#and like on instagram i see my classmates hanging out with friends constantly like going places together and enjoying life like wtf why do

[celebrityskinmp3]

cannot stand nor belive ive been wasting away in quarantine for almost my entire year as a 16 year old

[slfcare]

do you think you have more acquaintances rather than friends? These days I've been looking back at my "friendships" and realized I can't really talk to them?? I look at my contacts list and can't pinpoint a single person I have a relationship with beyond a casual relation/acquaintanceship. Sure, I can talk to them about work or something spontaneous with colleagues or old classmates but I can't contact them for anything beyond that/they'd ghost me. I feel lonely and can't help but mourn my lack of friendships throughout the years.

Definitely. I've always kind of struggled with friendships.

Sometimes I'd feel like 'friendship' was like a barrier to cross, or a point to reach, and it wasn't something I ever touched upon. In high school I had people to sit with and do projects with, but outside of that I didn't feel like I belonged to their group (wasn't part of their groupchat, wasn't invited to hangouts, and so on). Even now I tend to doubt a lot of my relationships, because I overthink when they hang out without me or decline my invitations. I can go several weeks without seeing them because they say they're too busy to meet with me, and then see tons of Instagram posts of them going on trips together in the meantime. I constantly have to remind myself that there's a lot I don't know, and that if I feel like I'm purposely being left out I can just leave.

That barrier is still something I struggle with. I know for myself that there are plenty of people I can text and if I happen to bump into them or see them at a birthday party, we can have fun together and so on, but I don't think anyone'd really think of me as someone to invite or include--though this may very well be a remnant of my friendless childhood and is just me overthinking things.

I completely understand the loneliness (I think there's still some of it left inside of me, I'm still trying to combat it myself), but I do think that friendships are something to develop. It sounds like you're trying, and that should be enough. If it isn't, that's not your person.

[missmentelle]

About the post being jealous/controlling your bf & his friends, social media, etc. how do you stop those jealous feelings? How do you become ready for a relationship? What are the steps to take?? It tells you what Not to do but not how to fix it or prepare?

You make a good point - jealousy is very common emotion, but it’s not one that we’re really taught how to deal with. Many people don’t start trying to get a handle on their toxic jealousy until they’ve already had one or more relationships fall apart because of it, sometimes in explosive and spectacular ways. I used to blog about ways to manage jealousy, waaaaaay back in the early days of this blog, but the posts have long since been buried - this seems like as good a time as any to revive them. 

So if you’re struggling with jealousy in your relationships, or you’re concerned that jealousy might be a problem in your future relationships, it’s important that you:

Separate jealous feelings from jealous actions. It is okay to feel jealous - it’s a very natural feeling that we all experience from time to time. What’s not okay is acting on your jealousy, and giving yourself permission to control and monitor your partner because of it. When you’re merely feeling jealous, that’s something that only affects you, and it’s something that you can cope with on your own. When you act jealous, suddenly you are negatively impacting your partner, and turning your issue into their issue. Learn to separate the two things. When you feel yourself starting to experience jealousy, learn to check yourself and catch jealous behaviours before they happen. Ask yourself, “Am I about to do or say something that’s motivated by jealousy?”. If the answer is yes, that’s a solid sign that you need to remove yourself from the situation or distract yourself until you have a better handle on those feelings. If your partner texts an attractive classmate to ask them for class notes and you feel a sudden urge to interrogate them about their relationship with that classmate, stop yourself. Recognize that you are entitled to feel jealous, but that acting on that jealousy will likely be toxic for the relationship. 

Work on your personal insecurities. Insecurity is one of the main roots of jealousy. Many of us would feel jealous if our partner started working closely with an attractive 25-year-old coworker, but most of us would feel no jealousy if our partner started working closely with an unattractive 68-year-old coworker. All of us have shortcomings that we are sensitive about, and we are at our most jealous when our partner interacts with someone we perceive as a “threat” to us. If you are insecure about your body, you’ll likely be jealous of your partner interacting with people who are fitter than you. If you are insecure about your age, you’ll be jealous of people who are younger than you. If you are balding, you might be wary of possible rivals who have a full head of hair. The list goes on. But in general, the more insecurities you have, and the worse those insecurities are, the more you are going to struggle with jealousy. One of the best things you can do to prevent jealousy from taking root is to tackle those insecurities head-on. That doesn’t mean relying on compliments and reassurance from your partner - having your self-esteem tied to your partner’s opinion of you is just a recipe for more jealousy and insecurity. There’s no one-size-fits-all method for dealing with insecurity, but there are a lot of things you can try - seek therapy, find support groups, start a positivity journal, do things you enjoy, work on a skill. Find a method that works for you. 

Communicate with your partner. Assumptions and expectations of mind-reading are a recipe for toxic jealousy. Talk to your partner. Have an explicit conversation about jealousy, your feelings, your boundaries and your expectations. Ask them what they consider to be “cheating”, and share your opinions on the matter - you could ask 20 people this question and get 20 slightly different answers, and not discussing this topic in explicit terms is a recipe for disaster. If the two of you have any areas that you disagree on, talk about it and see if you can reach a compromise. If you anticipate that jealousy is going to be an issue for you in the relationship, tell your partner that, so that the two of you can find ways to support you in dealing with this problem. If at any point in the relationship, you are uncomfortable with a partner’s connection to someone else, don’t go secretly digging through their phone for evidence of cheating -tackle the issue head-on, explain your feelings to your partner, and look for a way that the two of you can move forward on this. 

Work on not feeding your jealousy. If you go looking for reasons to feel jealous, you will find them. Caving into jealousy is a vicious cycle - the harder you look, the more potentially “suspicious” things you will find, until you reach a point where you find yourself needing to monitor everything your partner does just to trust that they aren’t cheating... even if they have never cheated. Don’t spy, stalk or monitor your partner. Once you’ve decided that a certain friend of theirs poses a threat to the relationship, your brain is going to turn every innocent message and “liked” photo into a potential sign of unfaithfulness. Don’t feed those feelings. Find ways to cope, and have a direct conversation with your partner if you feel there is legitimate cause for concern. 

Don’t punish your current partner for your ex’s actions. In both my personal and professional life, I have seen many controlling, over-bearing jealous partners who justify their actions by saying that a previous partner cheated on them, and they are taking the steps that they feel are necessary to avoid being hurt again. Being cheated on is a horrible, gut-wrenching experience, and once you’ve been through it once, it’s natural to want to do everything in your power to avoid experiencing it again. Loving a new partner, however, requires that you find a way to put your past behind you and offer that new partner your complete trust and benefit of the doubt. If you are not emotionally in a place where you can fully trust your partner, then you are not yet in a place to be dating - you still need more time to recover from your previous relationship before you can get into a new one, and that’s okay. 

I’ve actually been having a lot of conversations about jealousy lately in my own personal life; a close friend of mine is currently struggling to cope after her partner left her due to her jealous behaviour. She was never cheated on, but her best friend was, and she absorbed some fairly toxic beliefs about relationships and men that led her to spy on her boyfriend and constantly accuse him of cheating. She was so terrified of being walked on or being made a fool of that she took things to extremes, and reached a point where she spent hours every day combing through her partner’s Instagram activity and regularly told him that he clearly didn’t love her if he wouldn’t accept her constant distrust. It was a toxic situation that her jealousy created, and I have spent a lot of time trying to help her figure out how to strike a balance between “expecting your partner to behave appropriately with others and respect the relationship” and “driving your partner away with controlling and abusive behaviour”. In working with her, I’ve been able to put together a couple of concrete “dos and don’ts” to address that balancing act. So if you are concerned that you might be a jealous person and you’re in a monogamous relationship (or a polyamorous relationship with set boundaries), these are some things that you should be steering clear of:

Stay out of your partner’s messages and emails. Those are not for you, and looking through them feeds jealousy. I personally have confidential client information in my work email, and there is zero reason for my partner to ever access it. 

Don’t demand your partner’s account passwords. They have a right to privacy, and it doesn’t mean that they are hiding something. 

Do not delete contacts, followers, or photos from your partner’s phone or social media accounts. This is gross, overbearingly jealous behaviour. 

Do not block people from your partner’s accounts without their knowledge. If you feel that you need to hide people from your partner’s view to keep the relationship going, the relationship is not going to survive. 

Never “test” your partner’s loyalty by having an attractive friend hit on them, or by trying to catfish them with a fake online account. I struggle to find words for how toxic this is. 

Do not demand that your partner drop all platonic friends of their preferred gender, or restrict contact with all members of their preferred gender. This is super controlling, and it’s not even possible if your partner is bi/pan. 

If you are uncomfortable with how close someone is getting to your partner, do not confront that person directly. Nothing screams “controlling” quite like texting your partner’s coworker out of the blue to tell them to back the fuck off. If you have an issue, bring it up with your partner, not the other person. 

Do not make sharing GPS location a condition of the relationship. If your partner wants to share this, fine, but it’s beyond unreasonable to make it mandatory. 

Do not constantly check up on your partner or blow up their phone if they don’t text you back right away when they are out. Let them enjoy time with their friends. 

Do not insist on tagging along every time your partner goes out. If you have a lot of mutual friends that you hang out with together, great, but they are not a child, and they do not need constant supervision. 

At the same time, though, I am not advocating for anyone to be their partner’s doormat. It’s important to understand that “not being jealous” does not mean “letting your partner walk all over you”. Telling your partner that they aren’t allowed any friends of a certain gender is certainly toxic, but at the same time, it’s okay to lay down some basic expectations that your partner will respect you and the relationship. So in general, this would include:

It’s okay to ask a partner to limit contact with their ex-partners. If your partner is in constant communication with their ex, it’s okay for you to feel uncomfortable with that and make it clear to your partner that they need to decide which relationship they want to be in. 

It’s okay to ask your partner to prioritize your feelings over an ex’s. If a partner is avoiding being public about the relationship, moving in together or getting engaged because they don’t want to make their ex sad, it’s reasonable to be upset about that. 

If your partner has suddenly developed an extremely close relationship with someone of their preferred gender that has obvious flirty overtones or takes up most of their time, it’s okay to voice your concerns. 

It is okay to ask your partner not to exchange sexual jokes, memes or images with friends of their preferred gender, or to let them know that it makes you uncomfortable. 

It’s okay to expect your partner not to do things with their friends that could be outwardly seen as flirty or romantic - like asking them not to sleep in the same bed as a friend of their preferred sex, or not to text a friend of their preferred sex late at night when they’re in bed with you.

If you and your partner wear rings or other symbols of your commitment, it’s okay to ask your partner to wear their ring in public (assuming they aren’t leaving it off for safety or health reasons, like a hazardous job). 

If your partner continually tramples over your boundaries and behaves inappropriately with members of their preferred sex unless you watch them like a hawk, the solution is not to become more hawk-like. The solution is to leave. 

Again, this is all a balancing act, and sometimes there is going to be a bit of trial and error involved in figuring out which boundaries are reasonable, and which are controlling. Open communication and constant work on your insecurities is necessary. Having jealous tendencies does not have to be a death sentence for a relationship, however, and it is possible to get to place where both partners feel secure and respected. 

[parkaiur]

Save Me - Seunghun

❀Angst

❀Suffering from the hanahaki disease with the unrequited love of your best friend, you’re desperate to hide the truth from him. As you think no love will come your way, you meet a pessimistic boy in your history class who doesn’t believe in soulmates, yet he believes in love. 

❀Word count: 7K

❀ A/N: pretend that jihoon and seunghun are the same age just for this fic, alright? and HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEUNGHUN!! :’) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AAAHH

p.s. yes, i did write this similar to how a diary was written because there are lots of time gaps :D 

❀ ❀ ❀

[February 6 2019]

“Please, please believe me. I didn’t do anything with her! She’s just my friend, please.” The boy begged as tears filled his eyes. I jutted my head away and refused to hold his hands that were reaching out to me.

“No, please, just leave. I’m tired of your games and excuses.” I whispered. A tear fell down my cheek as he took cautious steps towards me. I shook with sobs as he took me into his embrace.

“I love you. And I will always love you.” 

He came closer to my face and I saw a lone tear slip from his eyes.

“Let me kiss you goodbye at least.” 

As soon as I nodded, his lips collided with mine. He tasted like chocolate and salt, our tears meshing together. He pulled away and it left me breathless; I was gasping for air like I had never tasted it before. 

His face was still abnormally close to mine as he brushed a strand of hair away. 

“Thank you.” 

He walked away from me and slammed the door shut. 

“OK CUT!” 

I snapped back to reality as soon as my drama director’s voice echoed throughout the theater. I wiped my face with my hands until someone handed me a tissue. I thanked the stage helper and patted down my tears.

“Aw, good job, y/n, not too shabby.” 

My co-star, Park Jihoon, noted. I nodded shyly as the taller boy patted me on the shoulder. He gave me one of his signature smiles and it left me in a trance.

I’d been in love with Jihoon ever since I knew what love was. We grew up together as our moms were best friends. Jihoon was the same age as me which caused our moms to constantly force us to hang out with one another. Thankfully, he was a fun guy to hang out with. 

We liked all the same things, we hated the same things, we had the same values, had the same friends; it was so easy to fall for him. 

It was so easy for us to fall for each other. 

“Hey, you okay?” The familiar deep voice snapped me out of my thoughts. 

I lifted my head and met his intense gaze. If I looked too hard, I would imagine there was love behind it. I looked away.

“Yeah, just rehearsing lines in my head.” 

“Ah, of course, y/n, the over achiever like usual.” I gasped and hit him on the stomach.

“You act like you aren’t the same.” The boy couldn’t deny my accusation.

He shrugged and snapped his fingers, already forgetting the conversation.

“Hey, wanna grab dinner tonight? There is this new pizza place that opened up downtown.” I nodded, feeling my heart flutter. 

“Uh, yeah I’m always down for pizza.” And for being with you.

He gave me a kind smile and for a moment, I felt like it reflected my own hopeful smile. 

Going out alone with Jihoon always felt like we were on a date. 

“Oh, hey y/n, hey, babe.” 

I watched as the girl planted a kiss on Jihoon’s pretty lips. The boy grabbed her waist and pulled her closer, making her squeal at his tight embrace. 

“Jihoon stop! Y/N is here!” Jihoon winked at me before pulling his girlfriend into a messier kiss.

I tried not to look away to not make it awkward.

“Ok, that’s it lovebirds, third wheel is still here.” I joked forcefully. 

“Aw, y/n, you’ll find your prince charming soon! Of course, falling for good guys is in our blood.” She blew a kiss at Jihoon who caught it. I suddenly wanted to barf. 

It was so hard to be Jihoon’s best friend when he was madly in love with my cousin, Sooyoung. 

Very hard. 

It physically pained me to be around them. 

To watch Jihoon lift her up and spin her around lovingly. 

To look in her eyes and see she loved him.

To look at her and see someone who I couldn’t be. 

“Pizza tonight, right? You asked y/n already right?” 

Suddenly, I felt like I was intruding their date, contrary to what I believed before. 

“Of course! Wherever we go, y/n goes!” Jihoon winked at me and shoved me playfully. I laughed and shook my head.

“Oh gross, I do not want to follow you guys around all day. How will I meet a guy on my own??” 

“Oh my God! Do you actually want to start dating? That’s so unlike you... no offense.” 

I gritted my teeth and forced a smile. 

“I was just joking.” I don’t know why I felt the need to defend myself, but I always did when it came to her. I always had to bite my tongue from saying something snappy or rude or just plain mean. If I did, I don’t know whose side Jihoon would take. But I had a feeling it wouldn’t be mine.

I was insanely jealous of Sooyoung, I was always jealous of her from a young age.

She was one year older than me and Jihoon.

She was living with my family while both of her parents were off in the military. She was treated like a princess wherever she went because of her lack of parents. I had felt bad for her too, until she started to steal my parents away.

They started to give her the same size gifts as mine, the same price, until one year, she got more expensive gifts on her birthday, on Christmas, on everything. For her birthday, we had a fancy dinner while on mine, we stayed at home and had a barbecue. On Christmas, we ate all her favorite foods. In our daily life, our mom always drove her around to her friends houses while I was forced to hang out with her friends or to stay at home and do nothing. 

I never had a normal and fun childhood because of her. 

And now she stole my best friend. 

“Places everyone!” I heard the director called out. “HURRY!”

Sooyoung kissed Jihoon on the cheek and walked away as I got in my place again. 

“From the top!”

❀ ❀ ❀

“y/n! Get yourself together! You’re messing everything up!” The TA for our drama teacher yelled. The boy was a senior and in his last leg of college. He acted like he knew everything when really he’s only a TA because he didn’t get a main part in the play at his university. 

A sharp ripple of pain ran through my stomach at high speed. I almost collapsed, but Jihoon caught my arm and held me steady. I tried not to feel calmed at his touch, but for some reason, he made me feel better.

“y/n! Are you ok? What the hell is going on?” The boy hurriedly said. 

The director rushed to my said. “Y/N? Can you stand?”

I felt another rush of pain through my stomach, but it was dulling.

“Y-yeah, I think so. It might just be cramps.” I whispered in her ear. She nodded and Jihoon helped me stand.

“Well, you guys have been rehearsing for a long time now, let’s end a tad early today.” Relieved sighs echoed across the room as people began to pack their bags and left.

“Hey, y/n? You sure you ok?” I nodded at the worried boy.

“Yeah, maybe just stomach pains or cramps or something.” Jihoon nodded suspicious of me, but said nothing

“Cool, um, we can reschedule pizza for another day then.” He smiled at me and threw on his jacket while we both grabbed our things.

“See you tomorrow.” I nodded and waved him off. 

I jumped into my car and drove away, feeling the pain sitting at the bottom of my stomach.

Was it something I ate? What is this? I’ve never felt an immense pain like this.

I reached my house and ran to my room. The lights were out in my house, probably because my mom and dad were sleeping. I stumbled into my room.

There were flowers drawn on the walls still from my art phase, but then I channeled my creativity into acting because Jihoon loved acting. I liked it too, but more as a hobby and not a career path. 

Suddenly, it felt like a hundred knives pierced my stomach. I grabbed my bed frame to keep me from falling. As I laid on my bed, I clutched my abdomen and held in the sounds of pain I couldn’t dare to let out.

I felt nauseous and dizzy; my stomach gurgled and I knew I was going to barf. 

I stood to run to the bathroom, but I felt my legs gave out. I dropped my phone on the ground and saw the notification from Instagram pop up. 

I closed my eyes and barfed all over the floor; the acid burned my throat as I fell to the side.

As I opened my eyes, all I saw was the sight of yellow daisies and the notification of Jihoon posing with pizza. 

❀ ❀ ❀

[1:39 AM February 7 2019] 

Hanahaki. 

It wasn’t an unfamiliar term to me-- to anyone in this world. 

Soulmates were a powerful thing in this world. If your soulmate did not return your love, you were to suffer from hanahaki. 

I’d lost no one I knew from the disease; it was extremely rare. Only one in 900 million people suffered from the hanahaki disease. The numbers were only growing. Their deaths were gruesome as they were talking to one of their classmates and then suddenly flowers came flowing from their mouth. 

Somehow, their deaths were beautiful despite being so cruel. They died not being returned of love from the ones they wanted love from the most. But their deaths were like a dance, like art. Flowers flowed from them, multiple colored flowers, yet the flowers went nicely together like they were supposed to be fitted into a bouquet.

First, it starts with a single colored flower, but once the disease is more severe, you experience a multitude of them. Then blood starts to seep deeper into them. How tragic, red is my favorite color and I will die with it staining my carpet.

❀ ❀ ❀

[8:05 AM February 7]

“Today class, we will be focusing on your favorite topic: soulmates.” 

The room instantly erupted in childish giggles. Girls started to whisper to their friends while boys started to hoot in holler and roll their eyes.

Soulmates were my least favorite subject, especially when I knew mine would indirectly kill me.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. 

I turned around and saw an unfamiliar face staring at me. I narrowed my eyes at the boy. 

He had dark black hair that added to the fierceness of his eyes. He was wearing a gray plaid jacket with a black v-neck under his shirt.

“What?” I spat. 

The boy didn’t look offended, but instead cocked his head to the side. 

He’s cute.

“I just wanted to say I was new and introduce myself, but I see that you don’t want to make new friends.” Instantly, I felt bad about snapping at him. My cheeks turned red and I covered my face with my long bangs.

“S-sorry, hi, I’m y/n. I didn’t mean to snap at you, I just had a bad night.” The boy nodded and held his hand out for me to shake it.

“Kim Seunghun. I just finished studying in Tokyo after a year.” I nodded with my eyes brighter. 

“Cool. I’ve always wanted to travel there.” Instead of nodding politely, the boy smiled confidently.

“Maybe one day we can go there together.” 

Before I could retaliate, the teacher continued talking after finding his lesson.

“Ok, soulmates, they are powerful as love is the most powerful thing in this world. Your soulmate will bring you life, they will bring you joy, happiness, love. They will give you everything you have been missing in yourself and in your life. They are literally your missing puzzle pieces, no matter how cliche that sounds.”

The girls around the room sighed in content. 

“Ew, I can’t believe anyone believes this stuff.” 

I turned to face the boy behind me who was toying with his phone instead of listening to the lecture. 

“You don’t believe in soulmates?” I asked curiously. 

He shook his head nonchalantly. “Nope.” He emphasized the “P” with a pop. “It’s stupid. My parents are divorced. See? Forever is nonexistent.” 

I spun the pencil in my hand. “Did any of them suffer from hanahaki?” I said the question before I could think about it. His eyes went steel and he backed away. 

I shouldn’t have said that.

It was common sense in this day and age. Don’t talk about hanahaki. Don’t ask about it. Don’t accuse anyone of having it. It was such a taboo topic.

“S-sorry, I didn’t mean to pry-”

Seunghun shook his head. “Nope, they’re both alive. Dad is remarried and mom is dating. No sign of barfing flowers.” 

I sighed in relief. I knew how painful it was, I was glad none of them were dealing with what I went through.

“y/n and Seunghun?” Our names flew from the teacher’s mouth which caused the entire class to look back at us. It wasn’t good sitting in the back sometimes. “Care to share with the class what you guys were talking about that was so important that you had to speak during the lesson?” 

Ass. 

I bit my lip, a nervous habit of mine, and waited to think of something to say. 

“Yeah, uh, we were actually just discussing how this whole soulmate idea is bullshit.” 

The class gasped. 

My face turned bright red as I hid from the class. 

Mr. Song’s face turned red as well, but his reflected anger rather than embarrassment. 

“Well, uh, Mr. Kim, do you mind telling us why you would saying such a thing?” Seunghun snorted and flicked his fingers.

“Because it’s true. Love at first sight is a myth, you can’t love one person for the rest of your life. The world isn’t supposed to work like that. Explain hanahaki.” 

The room gasped at the word, well except for me. 

“DETENTION! CLASS IS DISMISSED. Kim Seunghun, talk to me after class.” The class scattered away leaving Seunghun with Mr. Song’s rage. 

The boy stood, revealing his tall height that I had expected. His muscles were prominent under his shirt which made me stare longer than I should’ve.

“Um, be careful, he’s scary when he’s mad.” I whispered and patted him on the shoulder. 

“Thanks, see you around y/n.” 

 ❀ ❀ ❀

I walked out of class with a heavy heart but soon was bombarded with someone grabbing my arm.

“y/n! There you are! I heard someone mentioned hanahaki in your class and I was scared it was you!” Jihoon gasped, sweat coating his forehead. I felt my heart quicken at his presence. I hated this involuntary reaction I had when he was around.

I gulped.

“Nah, it wasn’t me, um, I mean, I guess it was sorta me. I was talking to this guy about it but he put the blame on himself. And-”

“Woah woah, stop there. Did you just say you were talking to someone about hanahaki?? y/n, you know that kind of talk isn’t allowed.” Jihoon grabbed my waist and started to pull me along to our next class. 

I sighed and fixed my hair. “I know, I know, I don’t even know why I brought it up. We were just on the topic of soulmates and this new kid said he doesn’t believe in that kind of stuff.”

Jihoon’s nose crinkled. “He doesn’t believe in soulmates?” I shook my head. “Well, he’s wrong because soulmates are very much real! Take me and Sooyung for example.” 

As soon as he mentioned her, his eyes went soft and he started to loosen his grip on my waist. I ignored the envy in my heart. 

❀ ❀ ❀

[11:29 PM February 7 2019]

I tossed my backpack against my wall. I was soaked with water as it started to pour as soon as I left school. My luck was phenomenal. 

And it just so happened that Jihoon and Sooyoung had gone on a date, leaving me behind after play practice was over. 

Great, just great. 

I stepped out of my wet clothes and started to cough softly. My soft coughs only escalated into harsh choking as I collapsed onto the ground. I didn’t have time to tie my hair into a bun as flowers came erupting from my system. This time, they were blue with a a dash of gold. 

This was not good. 

I had to get my mind off of this. I had to get away.

I made up my mind and tossed on dark jeans and a tanktop and headed towards the place where I could leave my brain at home.

❀ ❀ ❀

The tattoo parlor was empty at this time. It was a Wednesday night and no one goes out on a Wednesday night.

“Well, nice to see you here on a Wednesday, y/n.” I smiled at Irene who was working on some burly dude. He was getting some Chinese symbols written on his arm. Typical.

I sighed and took a seat in the corner. “My house was getting too crowded.” I lied. 

Irene let out a small cough and shook her head. “I hate that snarky sister or cousin or whatever of yours. She’s always getting into your space.” I shrugged.

“I mean, she only means good. She’s just sort of annoying, that’s all. But she’s trying to do what she thinks is best for me.” 

“Well, she needs to get it through her thick skull that what she wants isn’t what other people need.” Irene growled. 

Irene and I had been close friends when I was a freshman in high school and she was a senior. It had been 4 years and we were still just as close, probably even closer. She had gotten hired at “The Rose” as soon as she finished high school and she was making tons of money now. She always welcomed me when my home life became too much.

“Still in love with that boy?” 

I felt my heart quicken at the thought of Jihoon. His messy black hair and his bright brown eyes. His pout that jutted out when he was begging for something.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Irene noted with a smile. 

I blushed and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. 

“Well, he doesn’t feel the same way so I need to get over it.” 

“How do you know he doesn’t feel the same way?”

“He’s dating Sooyoung.” 

Irene’s jaw dropped as she stopped drawing on the man for a split second. I heard the buzz come in contact with his arm again.

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Do I have to like, take this bitch out? ‘Cause you know I can.” I shook my head with laughter.

“It’s fine. I’ll just have to get over it... Besides, I guess he isn’t my soulmate after all.” I lied.

He is my soulmate. I’m just not his.

Soon, the familiar bells started to ring as someone opened the door.

“Hey, here for the 12:20 appointment?” 

“Yep, but take your time. I’m in no rush.” I glanced over at the boy and saw someone I never expected to see.

“Seunghun?” I gasped. 

The boy snapped his head towards the corner I was in. The corners of his mouth flicked up into a smile. 

“Y/N? No way, you’re getting a tattoo too? Didn’t peg you for someone who hangs around here.” 

I glared at him and adjusted my tank top straps.

“Well, you don’t even know me. And no, I’m not getting a tattoo today but I do have one.” 

Seunghun held his arms up in surrender. “Ok, ok, you can stop attacking me now.” 

“How do you two know each other?” Irene asked, curiosity laced in her voice.

“School. Seunghun just moved to town.” Irene nodded. 

“Gotcha. Welcome buddy, how did you hear about my place then?” 

Seunghun laughed.

“Well, I’ve lived here all my life, I just studied in Tokyo for one year and I went to another all-boys school before this but I decided to switch it up a little.” 

I felt his hand graze my arm which caused electric sparks to erupt from his fingertips, or that’s what it felt like. 

What was that? Why do I feel like that?

My heart thumped louder as he came closer to me and as soon as his warmth left me, I wanted it back. 

“Guess you don’t know me either, y/n.” He noted smugly while plopping down on a chair.

I scoffed. “Seunghun, we just met, of course we don’t know each other.” The boy said nothing but pulled out his phone and started typing. 

“Interesting.” Irene winked at me but said nothing else. 

“Okay, Seunghun, your turn. You wanted it on the side of your torso, right?” The boy nodded and set down his phone on the table. 

“Yup, want a big ‘i heart mom’ right there.” I rolled my eyes as I knew he was joking. “Kidding.”

“Funny, now take off your shirt.” Irene demanded while setting up her stuff. The boy stripped his shirt off, revealing his toned body. I examined the careful definition in his abs and saw he already had a tattoo under his arm. 

Suddenly, his face popped in front of mine. 

“Like what you see?” I shoved him away, but bad idea. I hit his bare chest. I tore my hands away quickly. He laughed at my flustered state.

“You guys are cute. But, business first. This is what you want right?” 

I sat back in my corner and tuned out most of their talking. I heard the buzzing soon start and Seunghun grunted softly. I tried not to let dirty thoughts fill my mind.

It’s been a while since someone made me as flustered as when I was with Jihoon. 

❀ ❀ ❀

[2:46 AM February 8 2019]

“y/n, wake up. You should go home.” 

I opened my eyes quickly and saw Irene shaking me softly. 

Seunghun was tossing on his shirt; his face was red, probably from laying on it for so long. 

“How did you get here?” The boy asked. I ruffled my hair, trying to think back to how I got here. I was always groggy when I woke up.

“Um, by bus.” Seunghun sighed. 

“I’ll drive you home, come on.” My eyes widened. 

“Really? You would do that?” I asked. The boy stared at me funny. 

“Um, yeah, the buses are done doing their routes plus, what kind of man would I be if I let a girl roam around the city this late at night.” 

“He’s right, y/n. Just go with him. You guys live near each other anyways. Now shoo so I can lock up.” 

Irene started packing up her bags which meant I had to leave with Seunghun. 

“Come on, love, I don’t bite.” I glared at him.

“Don’t call me love, dimwit.” 

I heard mocking laughter erupt from behind me as I left the place.

“Bye, Irene!”

“Later!”

“Y/N, you know you’re pretty funny.” I laughed fakely.

“Yeah, I know that. I don’t need a guy like you to tell me that.” 

Seunghun placed his heart over his chest like he was in pain.

“A guy like that? What kind of guy am I, y/n?” I felt my heart quicken as he said my name.

Stop doing that.

“The type of guy who doesn’t believe in love.” I accused. 

Seunghun paused and held up a single finger.

“Excuse me? I never said that.”

“Uh, yes you did.” 

Seunghun shook his head and opened the car door for me. I grumbled but thanked him nonetheless. 

“No, I said I don’t believe in soulmates. I’m a romantic.” I glared at him as soon as he got in the car.

“You cannot be a romantic and not believe in soulmates at the same time.” 

Seunghun tsked. “Ah, but here I am. Doing both and feeling great.”

“Why do you believe in love but not soulmates?” 

“Because, I believe you can love someone, but not have to be with them forever. Love fades like all good things.”

“What about hanahaki then? Those people who are suffering from it can’t love other people. They’re unable to.” Seunghun turned silent at my sudden statement.

I don’t know why I was mentioning it so often nowadays. I wasn’t looking for pity, I was just curious. 

“Like I said, all good things fade. Sometimes good love fades. Sometimes good people fade.”

❀ ❀ ❀

[3:01AM]

“Finally here. Goodnight y/n, see you at school... later.” He winked at me as I jumped out of his car. 

“Thank you for the ride. See you later, Seunghun.”

❀ ❀ ❀

[3:05 AM] 

It was getting harder and harder to flush the flowers that were flowing. Soon someone would know they were coated in blood. I would have to throw them out soon.

❀ ❀ ❀

[March 3 2019]

I saw Seunghun everywhere. 

At the supermarket, at the mall, at the theater, at the gym, on the sidewalk, everywhere. We would always stop to talk with each other and he would always make light conversation.

Somehow it always ended up with us talking for hours.

It was like my soul wanted to be with him at all times. 

I had stopped thinking about Jihoon as much and started to think about the puppy-looking boy. 

I saw him everywhere, it was hard not to think of him.

It was like fate wanted me to see him constantly.

And I think I wanted to see him too.

❀ ❀ ❀

[8:20 PM March 12 2019]

It wasn’t until March 12 that I knew I for sure that I was in love with Kim Seunghun.

I was walking to the bus stop after finishing my dinner out. It was Sooyoung’s birthday and her only request was to have a date with Jihoon. Fine with me.

It was raining, like usual, but this time I brought an umbrella. It was only 8 but it was approaching pure darkness in the sky. 

“Hey, get in the car!” 

I shook, scared for my safety until I looked up and saw Seunghun sitting in his car. His brown hair was wet and messy thanks to the rain.

“Hello? Get in the car weirdo!” I snapped out of my daze and ran into his car that he unlocked for me. “Ugh, you smell so bad.” I silently gasped and smelled myself. I thought he was serious until he started to laugh.

“No I don’t! Asshole,” I grunted out. Seunghun laughed and started to drive off. 

“I know, I was just messing with you. You smell like rain and daisies.” 

Usually, comparisons with flowers would make a girl blush, but right now, it almost made me throw up.

“You ok?” Seunghun asked. I nodded and threw my umbrella in the back.

“Yup, just peachy. Where did you come from?” 

“My mom.” I shot a death glare at the boy who laughed at me.

“Joking! I just got back from the gym.” I sighed and looked out at the window ‘til I realized something.

“Um, well, I can’t go home right now. I was actually just going to head to the library.” Seunghun scoffed and adjusted the coffee in his cupholder.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s Sooyoung’s birthday and she wanted to have some alone time with Jihoon. They’re back at the house and I’m pretty sure they’re having sex.” I groaned. Seunghun laughed at my embarrassment.

“Well, that’s what couples do, y/n. Have sex. And Jihoon and Sooyoung, they’re a couple.” A familiar sadness enveloped itself around my heart as he said those words. I felt tears well up in my eyes, but I tried not to let it show. 

Unlike Jihoon, nothing went past Seunghun.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I wasn’t about to say anything until I felt Seunghun make a sharp turn. 

“Hey, where are we going-”

Seunghun kept driving into a dark alleyway and parked there. “Spill.” 

I bit my lip, unable to let out my true feelings that I had been hiding for so long. I was used to hiding my feelings. 

“I-I can’t, please.” I don’t know when the tears started to fall from my eyes, but they did. Tears slipped down my rosy cheeks as I covered my mouth to hold in my sobs. 

I felt arms wrap around my body and bring me closer to a heat source. Seunghun rubbed my back in small circles. I instantly felt relief at his touch. 

“Don’t tell me you love him, y/n.” 

Once he said the truth I had been hiding for so long, I sobbed onto his shoulders. 

“Oh, y/n. I’m so sorry.” 

“I am too.” I whispered too. 

We sat in a comfortable silence as he soothed my aching heart and listened to my soft sobs.

“But at least he isn’t your soulmate, you can still find love.” Seunghun fibbed, trying to find another way to soothe me. I then pulled away from the embrace I craved and gave him a small smile.

“Seunghun, Jihoon is my soulmate. I know that for a fact.”

He said nothing.

Nothing at all. 

His eyes went dim and stared at me with sadness in his eyes. Mine were no longer sad, just tired. 

We both knew what my words meant, but he asked again to make sure.

“Do you-”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, y/n.”

❀ ❀ ❀

[10:20 PM March 13 2019]

I pulled out my rusty laptop and set it on my lap. 

“Ways to cure hanahaki.” I typed. I scrolled through the choices. “Nothing, nothing, only death, nothing.” I mumbled out loud. 

I scrolled for hours on end, curious on to what I was suffering from. Soon, an interesting title popped up. I clicked on it and was brought to a dark page

“Hanahaki and all the secrets they don’t tell you about it. Huh, sounds interesting enough.” I read out loud. I kept scrolling until my eyes fell on an interesting piece of information. 

Hanahaki, there are no known ways to cure it besides death taking the body. But, what the government doesn’t tell you is that the disease can be cured if the patient’s soulmate falls in love with them or if the patient gets surgery to take out the infection, but that would lead to them living a life alone forever. There has only been two reported cases of the victim curing the disease by falling in love with someone else.

Seunghun.

I shook his name out of my head as I tossed the laptop away. 

I smiled. 

Seunghun. 

❀ ❀ ❀

[March 29 2019]

Even after I told Seunghun I was suffering from hanahaki, our dynamic didn’t change. I think he didn’t want to spend my final days suffering. Little did he know, that was making me fall for him instead. 

History was always interesting with Seunghun in it. He constantly poked my back and I would usually be irritated, but once I caught his finger before he poked me and he’s been afraid to do it ever since.

But now it is like a game to us. 

“Hey, y/n? Wanna hang out today after school?”

“Hm, sure, where you wanna go?”

“Actually I was thinking we could just chill at my place.” 

At that statement, I froze suddenly when I was putting my pencils back in my backpack. I looked up shyly at the boy who was giving me a nonchalant look. That was until he saw the suspicion in my eyes.

He scoffed and leaned closer to me. I could feel his breath on my lips as he smirked. All I wanted to do was to lean in and kiss him. 

“Oh come on, y/n. You can’t think I’m that kind of guy.” I blushed beet red and tried to fan my face without him noticing. The bell rang in unison with his loud laughter. “Later, y/n, I’ll see you after school.”

❀ ❀ ❀

[12:01 PM]

“You seriously can’t be thinking about spending time with him. Alone. In a bedroom.” Jihoon spat.

I poked around at my food, blatantly ignoring him. 

“I’m being serious, y/n! He’s a dude, I know what all dudes want. Sex. Sex. And alcohol. That’s it.” I punched him on the arm while he let out a strangled laugh. “You think I’m kidding but I’m not. Guys are dogs, y/n. Especially a dude like Seunghun. Tall, handsome, nice body-” I hit him on the arm. 

The more time I spent with Seunghun over these past weeks made me fall more in love with him. I stopped barfing flowers. I hadn’t coughed any up since two weeks ago which meant I was cured. 

Seunghun was saving me. 

“Seunghun isn’t like that, Jihoon. Plus, what if I want to have sex with him?” 

Jihoon raised a brow at my risque statement. I raised my brow to mock him. 

“What? I’m 17 years old, Jihoon, not 7. I can handle my own weight.” Jihoon sighed and sipped a bit of his water. He gurgled it around, a habit he had had developed as a kid. 

“Do you think this guy is your soulmate?” He asked with fake nonchalance. 

Is Seunghun my soulmate?

I studied Jihoon carefully. I looked at his bright eyes and his carefully shaped lips that evolved into a boyish smile when you made him laugh. I examined his cute and pointy nose that I pinched many times.

I stared at the face I had stared at numerous times.

But this time, I felt nothing but friendship.

“I think so.” 

Jihoon wiggled his eyebrows.

 “Well have fun losing your virginity then.”

❀ ❀ ❀

[4:10 PM]

“Here, my house. Welcome!” Seunghun said dramatically while tossing his backpack to the side. 

I studied his house and it felt so chic. The walls were bright white as the decor were brown and black. 

“Cute.” I said lamely. Seunghun scoffed and pointed at the large TV. “Oh wow, ok rich boy.” 

Seunghun tackled me into a hug and tossed me on the couch. With Seunghun, I only knew how to be happy.

“You know I just wanted to watch TV you punk!” He tickled me, making me erupt into silent laughter. 

“STOP! YOU MONSTER!” I screamed out and kicked him in the stomach. He let out a grunt and fell onto the other couch.

“Oof, remind me never to get on your bad side.”

I got up from the couch and made my way over to some cute baby photos of Seunghun. “You used to be so cute, what happened?” I teased. 

Seunghun gestured to his body. “I got hot.” I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t deny that statement. 

“You’re so full of yourself.” I threw a pillow at him and laughed when it hit him in the face. He then tackled me and carried me into his room.

“You’re beautiful.” 

In the blink of an eye, the mood of the room changed. Seunghun was looking at me with deep eyes as I was peering back at him with half-lidded ones. He lifted his hand to softly stroke my cheek. His hands were warm against my hot cheeks. 

“I wish you didn’t have to go so soon.” 

He then leaned down and captured my lips with his. 

I felt an immense love overflow me and wash over my entire body; the feeling was indescribable. It was like all the wounds Jihoon left over my heart were healed by the joy I felt. It was exactly like what Mr. Song said, it was like all the missing pieces of me were filled. 

I wrapped my arms around Seunghun’s neck and pulled him closer. I felt him let out a low grumble as he pulled me onto his lap. Seunghun kissed softer than expected, but it was a pleasant surprise. His mouth carefully nipped at mine as he kept his hands on my lower back.

I felt safe in his arms, like nothing could hurt me now.

There was no more throwing up flowers.

No more sadness.

No more. 

❀ ❀ ❀ 

[April 1 2019]

I didn’t barf flowers the whole weekend. I was cured. I was alive- finally. 

“You look too happy. What’s up with you?” Jihoon mumbled while shoving food into his mouth. I grinned happily at him. 

“It’s a long story. Trust me, when I know it’s true, I’ll tell you. But right now, I just can’t.” I said ominously. Jihoon, the naive Jihoon, was even suspicious.

“What? What’s so secretive that you can’t just tell me now?” 

I pretended to lock my mouth and throw away the key which annoyed the hell out of him. I would tell Jihoon about my hanahaki one day, but since I was cured now, there was no rush. 

“Nothing. I’ll tell you later, ok? It’s sort of a lot.” He nodded, but was still curious. “Now come on, let’s get to class.”

“Hey, y/n, wait up!” A girl ran in front of me and I recognized her. She was a senior who I knew slightly. “Um, I know you’re close with Seunghun and he wasn’t here today. Can you give him the chemistry homework? It’s really important for our lab today and he’s my partner.”

“Oh, of course!” I cheered. The girl sighed in relief. I smile devilishly.

Now I had an excuse to go to Seunghun’s house again.

❀ ❀ ❀

[5:48 PM]

I had gotten to his house a bit late as play practice ran long. 

I rang the doorbell politely and stood carefully on his doorstep, waiting for him to answer the door. I rocked lightly on my heels, making sure I smelled nice and looked good to see him. 

With Jihoon, I never cared how I looked. But with Seunghun, I knew he found me beautiful. I wanted to enhance it.

Soon, the door creaked open revealing Seunghun who was wearing only a black tank top and dark skinny jeans. His hair was wet like he had just taken a shower. His eyes widened when he saw me.

“Hey, y/n, what are you doing here?” He slurred his words, like he was in a hurry. 

I pulled the homework out of my backpack. “Here, your lab partner gave it to me saying it was important that you complete this before the lab tomorrow.” Seunghun sighed happily when I handed him the papers.

“Thank you! You’re a lifesaver. Chaeyoung would’ve ripped me to shreds if I didn’t do this.” I nodded awkwardly. Suddenly his eyes glanced from side to side, like he was hiding something from me. “Um... I just. Ugh, I have to tell you something.” 

I raised a brow, feeling suspicious at his words. “Um, ok. Spit.” I said with a smile. 

He took a deep breath. “Ok, so, I know we, um, were pretty intimate yesterday. I mean not full blown sex but like... yeah” I nodded, blushing at the memory. 

We might not have gone all the way, but it was enough to make my heart flutter.

“So, that was... that was just bad on my part. And I know you love Jihoon, but I just felt the need to tell you that I am still not over my ex-girlfriend. And she’s actually visiting me soon from Tokyo. Um, so yeah I’m sorry if I led you on or anything. I just wasn’t thinking straight plus I didn’t want to ruin your last few days...” 

Numb.

That’s how I felt: numb. My fingers were tingling and suddenly I couldn’t breathe.

But I couldn’t let him know my true feelings.

I couldn’t put that blame on him.

“Oh, um, dude you don’t have to tell me that. I knew what was going on. You know I’m in love with Jihoon, I wasn’t expecting anything afterwards.” I lied.

I’m a liar.

I’m going to keep lying until the day I die. 

Seunghun pressed his hand to his chest in relief. “Oh thank god.” He laughed childishly. “I don’t even know why I was worried. It’s not like you can fall out of love with someone if you have hanahaki.” 

I was so foolish. 

I shouldn’t have listened to that stupid article.

Suddenly, it was all so clear to me. 

I was never in love with Jihoon.

Jihoon was never my soulmate.

The reason I had hanahaki wasn’t Jihoon. 

It was because Seunghun never returned my love. 

It was because of Seunghun.

The boy who was supposed to save me. 

“Yeah, dude, I can’t believe I would like you!” We laughed, but only he was feeling the effects. “Ugh, I wish I could meet your lady friend, but I have to get home for dinner. See you tomorrow.”

He waved me off and I hopped in my car with a rush.

My lungs were collapsing in on themselves. 

My hands started to shake as I drove off. I twisted and turned on the empty road, feeling the effects kick in.

Come on, make it home. Make it home! 

 I felt a tickle in my throat. Bright lights blinded my vision. 

I started to cry. 

I was going to die

at the age of 17. 

I pried my eyes open, trying to make it home at least. 

At least, please. 

I wanted to die in the comfort of my own home.

I felt the flowers filling up my throat when I skid off the road. I hit the brakes and thankfully hit nothing in this empty neighborhood. I let the violent coughs take control and familiar flowers flowed onto my dash. 

Yellow daises.

Yellow was Seunghun’s favorite color. 

Soon, my car was filled with yellow, pink, white, and blue daisies. Blood coated each and every one of them. Suddenly, I felt the roots growing in my body. They pierced through my organs. 

I felt a strike on my heart.

I closed my eyes, feeling safe surrounded by the beauty of the flowers. The scenery was beautiful- my eyes didn’t have to be open for me to know that. Red stained my car seats but the color comforted me. 

I’ve always loved the color red. 

And then the flowers stopped flowing from my mouth

and 

so 

did 

everything 

else.

[purplesurveys]

652

We’ll do the last people I messaged, like before.

Friend One What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? JM. He’s a guy. How old are they and what month is their birthday? He is 22, but he blows his candles every July 6th. Does this person have a Facebook account? Yes he does. In this country, 98% of the time you kinda need to have a Facebook account, because work-related stuff is mostly conducted there (if you’re in school) and it’s a way to stay connected to family and friends. When was the last time you saw this person? Yesterday. He’s my classmate in my last class for the week, which is on Friday afternoons. Do you find this person attractive? Objectively yes, but I don’t have a huge crush on him lmao.

Have you ever lived in the same house as this person? Nope. Where does this person work? We’re currently just students, so no job yet. And as far as I know he plans on taking law so assuming he passes, he won’t be working for another four years. Friend Two What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Gabie, she’s a girl and a very pretty one at that. How old are they and what month is their birthday? 21, June 5th. Have you ever been to their house? Yeah, plenty of times. I’d be concerned if I wasn’t allowed to visit them lol. Are you friends with any of their other friends? I’m civil with her two best friends but I don’t really mix well with her other blockmates.  Where did you meet them? I went to school with her for 14 years. What are their siblings’ names? Don’t really feel like sharing that here. Have you ever cooked a meal with this person? Technically yeah. We had to run a small restaurant once for a final project in home economics, so we had to make hundreds of burgers and chicken strips hahaha. But other than that, the only thing we’ve made for ourselves is instant noodles, because we’re equally bad in the kitchen :/ Friend Three What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Andrew, boy. How old are they and what month is their birthday? I know he’s also 21 but I have no clue when his birthday is, which I should be partly ashamed of because he’s really into astronomy and always tells me about his star sign, which I’ve also forgotten about lmao. Have you ever hugged them? A few times. He’s not really someone I’d approach to hug. Do you know what their favourite candy is? LMAOOO we also talked about this with JM literally just a few days ago but I forgot already. I’m awful. But I guess it also kinda has to do with the fact that he’s incredibly talkative and some things he says just go into my ear and exit the other. Have you ever had a crush on this person? I’ve never had a crush on him. Do you know their parents? His mom knows of me, but I’ve never met her. He’s not close to his dad, so I don’t care whether I know him or not. Do they have a boyfriend/girlfriend or other significant other? Yeah, in a surprising turn of events he’s seeing my seatmate/good friend from high school, Leigh. Friend Four What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Angela, and she’s a girl. How old are they and what month is their birthday? She’s 21 and has her birthday on September 15th. Are you related to this person? Mmm nope. But I do know she and Chelsea, another friend of mine and who was in my high school circle, are distant cousins. Does this person have an Instagram account? She does. I think I’m the only person in all my circles with no instagram. Do you know the rest of their friends? I know most of her friends, but tbh she’s super sociable so there may be friends that I haven’t heard of or met. What are their parents’ names? Alain and Girlie. When was the last time you spoke to this person on the phone? A few months ago when she called me up crying because her boyfriend was being a jerk. Friend Five What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Sophie, girl. She is also my girlfriend’s sister so that 1/2 answers the question on the section on Friend Two, lmao. How old are they and what month is their birthday? She just turned 15. If I’m not mistaken, November 14? Something along that week, anyway.  Do you know what their favourite colour is? I have no clue but knowing her aesthetic, she’d probably go with a pastel shade. Have you ever been swimming with this person? Neverrrrr. I remember planning it once at their village’s clubhouse, but it never happened because I just never brought any swimsuits whenever I go visit haha. Do you live in the same town/city as this person? You can say that. But our city’s divided into upper and lower parts, and we’re on either side so it’s still a bit of a drive to get to their place. Would you answer the phone if this person called right now? I’d be surprised, but I’d take the call. Does this person live with their parents? Yes. Friend Six What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Tina, also a girl. How old are they and what month is their birthday? It’ll always shock me that she’s a year older – aka she’s 22. She feels like such a 1998 baby, if that even makes sense lol. Her birthday is September 11. Have you ever gone out for coffee with this person? We’ve bought coffee for takeout, but I’ve never sat down at a coffee shop with her. Does this person take selfies? If she does it’s only meme-ish in nature, or selfies with her dogs. Would this person come pick you up in the middle of the night? No and she wouldn’t be the first person I’d call because she lives too far from me and I don’t want to burden her too much. What does this person usually wear on a day-to-day basis? Growing up in Abu Dhabi where it’s warm/super warm all-year round, she can’t go anywhere without a thick jacket or sweater as she’s constantly cold. Have you ever shared a bed with them? I don’t think I have. Friend Seven What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Hannah, girl. Because most of my friends are girls. How old are they and what month is their birthday? She just turned 20! January 16. What do their parents do for a living? I have no clue. It’s never really been brought up in conversation, so I haven’t thought to ask and she hasn’t thought to tell. Have you ever gone to the cinema with this person? Nah and I think we have very different tastes so we wouldn’t be able to agree on what to watch anyway. Are they older than you? No, she’s much younger than me lmaoooo. What is their middle name? Her second name is Millenne, pronounced mell-EEN/mill-EEN. Since she’s a January 2000 baby, she was named after the word ‘millennium.’ Does this person go to school or college? Yeah, we’re coursemates in UP and equally hate journalism jfkhkdjhgg. Friend Eight What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Gab, guy. We’re not that close anymore but he recently caught up with me because he wanted to lend me his WWE Network account, which is super sweet of him. How old are they and what month is their birthday? If I’m not mistaken he was born 1998. But my second guess is that he was born 1997. Either way, his birthday falls on May 11. Do you have any inside jokes with this person? We have some inside wrestling jokes here and there. When was the last time you messaged this person? Thursday. I realize I never replied to him :( so I’ll have to get on that soon haha. How long have you known this person? We applied for our org at the same period, and that was two and a half years ago. What was the last thing you did to help this person out? Keep him company when no one was talking to him during the Christmas party. Have you ever said “I love you” to this person? Maybe when Nacho died. But it’s definitely not something I’d tell him all the time. Friend Nine What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Her first name is technically Denise, but I don’t know anyone who still calls her that. We all know her as Mils, from her surname. How old are they and what month is their birthday? She’s also 22 and while I don’t memorize her birthday, I do know she’s a Scorpio. When was the last time you hung out with this person? It’s been...a while. We’re pretty close, but we’re from different circles and we never hang out. I think it’s as far back as 2016, when she invited me to her and Leigh’s birthday thing and they treated us to a screening of Doctor Strange. Have you ever set this person up on a date with someone else you know? Nope. Again, not that close. Does this person have any pets? Yes, her family has a dog. How far away is their house from yours? It’s pretty close, but she lives in the heart of Cainta whereas I live on the very border of it, and I never go to that area. Would this person help you if you asked for it? It depends. She’s a hit or miss. Friend Ten What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Blanch! Also a girl. How old are they and what month is their birthday? She’s 20 turning 21, but not until September 8th. Have you ever stayed the night at their house? Nope. I’ve never been to her place and I don’t think I’ll ever get to, because she lives allllllll the way in Las Piñas. When was the last time you spoke to this person? Friday. We’re classmates in a history elective. Do you knock on their front door, or just walk right in? I’ve never been to her place. Have you ever ignored a phone call from this person? We’re not close enough to just call one another, plus I don’t think she likes talking on the phone anyway. Have you ever kissed this person? No. Friend Eleven What is their name and are they a boy or a girl? Apple! Still a girl. How old are they and what month is their birthday? Like Gab, I’m not sure if she was born 1997/1998, but her birthday’s May 4. Have you ever gone to dinner with this person? Yes, but along with a bunch of people. She shocked all of us when she quietly downed an entire bowl of ramen in like five minutes, which is why her nickname on our org’s groupchat to this day is still “Ramen Nagi Queen” hahaha. Do you know what their hobbies and interests are? She’s down for anything, but she particularly likes stuff that forces you to be active, like hiking. Does this person go to the gym regularly? It’s possible, considering she’s into sportsy stuff. I’m not 100% sure. But one thing I do know for sure is that her resolution this year is to cut back on rice. Have you ever been to a party with this person? Not yet but she seems like such an awesome person to party with, given that she’s in a sorority lol. Have you ever secretly checked this person out? I have not.

[zannaleejoy-blog]

15 Tips For ACTUALLY Writing ✍🏼

Disclaimer: Some of these tips are ones I’ve come across on social media and some are from my own personal experience and research. These tips don’t necessary apply to novel writing just really for any kind of creative writing such as: comics, fan fictions, essays, scripts, etc…

Tip #1 Reward Yourself

 Working is a lot easier when you know there is something to gain from all that work. Whatever that may be. If you are someone who has an income and at least 20-100 dollars they can set aside. Pay yourself to write, for as many amount of pages, words, or scenes you write, pay yourself and use the money to buy yourself whatever it is your heart desires. And for those of you who don’t make much money instead- reward yourself with something you love to do. Maybe it’s playing video games for the rest of the day, or watching a YouTube video, or even taking a nap or just some time to yourself. Personally, I have a piggy bank that I put all spare money into and for every page I write at the end of the month I get that money. So if I write 15 pages in the whole month I’ve got 15 dollars to buy whatever it is I want, maybe more pencils or snacks!

Tip #2 Hold Yourself Accountable: 

If you are someone who gets embarrassed easily or who has a lot of guilt find a family member or friend who can make sure you are writing. For example: If you let them know your word goal everyday is 100 words have them ask you about it and be honest with both them and yourself. Heck, a friend on the Internet or posting on your favorite social media platform your success or failure can go along way to make sure you stick to your goals. I tend to post how many words I write in a day on Twitter. My followers tend to congratulate me on my success and I like to have that positive reaction daily so I stick to meeting my goals.

Tip #3 Writing is Practice:

 If you’re are scared that your writing is bad I can tell you first hand that not writing or being scared to write something bad is the worst thing you can do if you are fearful of sucking because you’re going to at least for a little while but the best part about humans is that if we were to do any one thing for days upon days we will inevitably get better at it. So if you write constantly than you are 100% guaranteed to get good. I have an old fan fiction that's been left on the Internet for years and I constantly go back to it to see my massive improvement and it excites me to think that I will continue to get even better.

Tip #4 Track Your Progress:

If you follow me on Twitter than you already know that I have a planner that has stickers for every 500 words I write in a day. I originally got this idea from Alexa Donne’s sticker method here on YouTube and have altered it slightly to fit my personal writing journey. I really like putting more stickers in my planner and it fulfills the child in me to see visually how much I’m achieving as well as I will purposely write more if I am close to receiving another sticker. Tally marks, or a spreadsheet on excel can also do wonders or anything that allows you to visually see your progress.

Tip #5 Set Low Low Word Counts: 

On days that I feel shitty I usually only expect me to hit 250 words because I know on my worst day I can achieve that- Also if I hit 250 I am only halfway to my regular word count of 500 so I strongly advise setting something stupidly achieve able. 20 words? 50 words? You can write that! So do that and when you've got the hang of it build it up. Just understand that the smaller the word count the longer it'll take to write it.

Tip #6 Writing Sprints: 

Writing Sprints are probably the only thing on this list I don’t practice mainly because time limits stress me out and I tend to work quickly anyway. However if you need that extra push or have very limited time to get some writing done than I encourage a writing sprint. 10 minutes to write 300 words? Or 20 minutes to write as much as you can. It prevents that critical side of you from coming out because like sonic you gotta go fast.

Tip #7 You’re Not Writing A Book:

 Now for my aspiring authors like myself understand that you, especially if you are on your rough draft, are a long way from publication and that's drafting is just putting words on paper, bad words, good words, little notes of incoherent babble. It’s a mess and you are the only person who will ever have to see it. It’s a story and it’s like telling one verbally you are just trying to convey the general message it’s sloppy and you’re mumbling and stumbling and repeating and backtracking. But as long there is a complete story no matter how sucky it’s still complete.

Tip #8 Quantity is 10x’s Better Than Quality: 

To add on to last point I suggest in prewriting and drafting to just put whatever the fuck comes to mind down. Especially in the prewriting phase when you are brainstorming and outlining just fit as many wild ideas as possible because in those times where nothing seems to be coming that will be your saving grace every single time. Because having too many ideas is better than none. When I was brainstorming I sat with my boyfriend when he was playing games and generated all kinds of ludicrous ideas but also came across a lot of awesome and happy accidents. You have to be brave and just dump whatever out and save it for later and dig through the trash.

Tip #9 Give Your Book Some Essence: 

Your book has a certain feel that only you know this comes from playlists for scenes, characters, and plot- you've got aesthetic boards for your characters, maybe you have vines that remind you of your characters. Find those things and jot them down, put them in a folder or document and hold them close. I have Pinterest boards for my characters and settings. I’ve got playlists, and these things fuel my writing and creativity. I understand my book and I am reminded that no one can write it like me.

Tip #10 Nothing is Set In Stone: 

Unless you are carving your book in a stone tablet or writing your book across the walls in sharpie than you can always go back, you can always fix and delete. We often rewrite from paper or go back into our word documents and mix things around. Write shit until you have the courage to fix it.

Tip #11 Write With A Person/Person(s) In Mind:

Writing for an audience is hard to envision for me, so instead I write for a person or a couple people in mind. Which falls in line with my writing, I’ve always written for people whether it be classmates, friends, or people on the Internet and soon when I write a book for everyone to read. Writing for me has always been about writing for others and getting through drafting and writing in general is trying to get reactions, laughs, and smiles out of my readers. If you write for someone who loves you then you will always feel comfort in pleasing them and that no matter what you write it doesn’t matter what others think because they will love it regardless. I often write for my boyfriend, mother, brother, and my best friend. The four people who are close to me and are guaranteed to enjoy my writing and I can guarantee that you too, have someone that will love what you write and you’ll want to please them.

Tip #12 Write For Children/ Write Silly:

If you feel like you have to write a story that needs to have complex prose and have subtleties and be nuanced which is nice and all but if you are struggling it’s okay to just write like you are writing for a young one, someone old enough to read but young enough to understand basic storytelling. And if writing once upon a time puts you in the mood to write more than all power to it. You can always delete that once upon a crap later. Just tell us the story. Hell I use to do this kind of stuff with outlining which was fucking hard for me at first when I was a hardcore pantser sometimes I would write really silly. For example, Henry eats food, and he falls dead, the village knows the food is bad, food is suspicious, main character Zora will find it out, it’s the storm the storm has ruined the food. Oh no! This is just a simple way for me to get many thoughts down and to easily expand and not feel like I need to write something perfect.

Tip #13 Write Dialogue First and Finish The Rest Later: 

It’s pretty self explanatory but you need to just get dialogue done first. When I wrote Dragon Age fan fiction this is when I first used this. It was a sure fire way for me to get words on paper because Dragon Age’s dialogue is a big part of the dragon age experience if you aren’t already aware. I usually get distracted by dialogue tags and description and slows me down significantly so write all the dialogue and figure the other stuff later.

Tip #14 Surround Yourself With Positivity: 

If you’ve got friends and family who support you like I am lucky enough to have people who support me, even if you don’t have people in your everyday life who support you then it’s a good idea to join a writing community whether it be on discord, Instagram, Twitter, whatever find your writer friends and hold them close because having some friends to cheer you on, support you, and fall back on does all the good.

Tip #15 Character and Setting Visual Stimuli: 

Because I am horrible with description of people and setting I found that have pictures of my characters and settings is the easiest way to describe when I can see it somewhere other than in my head. I strongly suggest utilizing this because you also add on your own little things if the picture doesn’t fit entirely.

[english-ness]

for the cute asks: 19, 28, 50, 58, please!! also i hope you're doing well :)

Hi!

Thank you! I am doing well, I think. This week is back to school and it’s the first time I find myself on the other side of the desk, so it’s a lot of work and a bit of stress. Or the other way around. I don’t know. I’ll probably be a bit more settled in a few weeks 🤭

But so far it’s going ok, disregarding this one very stressful paperwork issue. Hopefully it’s figured our quickly and I won’t get my pay late at the end of the month 😬

19. Do you like bubble baths?

I do! In fact I like bubble baths so much that last spring, during my written exams week I borrowed one of my friend’s bathtub to have not one but two bubble baths to relax a little bit (my apartment only has a shower). The way I did that was by posting an instagram story asking if anyone would open their bathroom’s door to me - and I got several responses!

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

I rediscovered this this year, after barely seeing them for a few years (#lockdown #gradschool) but my theatre friends from undergrad. We’ve started hanging out regularly again and it’s like slipping back into comfortable slippers and pajamas. It made me realize that even though I was friends with my grad school classmates I was also always a little stressed, constantly felt scrutinized and judged. I feel much better around the former than the latter.

50. What was the color of the last hoodie you wore?

I bought a sky blue hoodie at the California State Fair this summer (for nostalgia power) so I think that’s the one!

58. Last thing you ate?

I had courgettes à la provençale* with some ground meat last night. No dessert because we don’t have any left in this house.

*just a fancy way to say i dumped onions and tomato sauce in olive oil with my zucchini and added a little bit of sugar, mustard, herbs. It’s a dish that tastes like home.

[morgandjou432]

Social Media and I

I’m not a fan of social media. Am I on it? Yeah, of course. Am I on it every single day like my life depends on it? No, but I used to be.

I’ve figured out that if social media is on my phone, it’s what I go to the very second I get bored. I could be eating, hanging out with a friend, watching a movie or trying to sleep, and the second I got bored, I’d pull out social media. And then--we all know how it goes--I’d be on there for the next half hour. Just scrolling and refreshing and scrolling and refreshing. What a waste. of. time.

I decided around a year ago, no more!

To keep myself from temptation, I just delete the apps from my phone when I’m done using them. If I take a picture I feel like posting on Instagram, I’ll download the app back, post, give it a couple days and then delete the app again. This usually happens once every couple of months.

I hadn’t been active on Twitter since September 2 of 2020 until we had to do a Twitter Scavenger Hunt for class. And even back then I wasn’t super active. I only follow 66 people and my tweets mainly consisted of retweets from the Kansas City Chiefs.

I’d never had a Facebook until August 2020 when I had to get one for Griffon Media, my campus newspaper, to use Facebook Messenger. To this day I only have two friends: my brother, and the classmate who made me get Facebook in the first place. I have liked a few local pages and I’m currently only using that account as a way to get story ideas for my reporting job.

And how is this going, you ask? Well, pretty great, actually. I don’t waste half an hour before going to bed, I just go to bed. I don’t miss scenes in movies. I don’t miss out on conversations. And most importantly, I’m not constantly wishing I was somewhere else.

So, as you can see, I do my best to stay off of social media. I know this Social Media Branding class is about building our personal brand and reaching a bigger audience, but if I’m being honest, I don’t know if I really want that. My Instagram is private because I don’t want complete strangers being able to see me and my loved ones. I don’t post my Snapchat username anywhere for random people to add. I like to feel protected on social media, not just out in the open. And it’s not like I have anything to hide. I just don’t like the idea of people I don’t know sitting behind a screen 1,000 miles away stalking my profiles.

I have a LinkedIn that I plan to update more often this year and grow my professional reach on. My profile is completely finished and I intend to start using it to find job opportunities soon.

So I guess I’m conflicted. I don’t want to be on social media all the time or expose my personal life to the whole world, but I still want to do everything in my power to secure a job. Is LinkedIn enough? How do I find the sweet spot between feeling like my social media is personal and still successfully network? I’m hoping after this semester I will be able to know which way I want to take my social media. Maybe there will be a couple things I pick up that I will integrate to my profiles, and there will probably be a few things I decide not to do long term, too. Either way, stay tuned the next few months to find out.

[ryuuichinaruhodo]

My limiting factors

So this Christmas we did secret santa, I got the book Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins. I've been listening to him for a little while now through podcasts on YouTube or his short videos on Instagram.

The first challenge of the book is to identify your bad hand, traumas, things that are holding you back. Even if it's a life that's comfortable preventing you from ever seeking more. Or maybe it's yourself stopping you in your tracks. Could be a combination.

David Goggins spoke about his traumatic childhood, where he lived on paradise road with the devil: his father. His father would beat the shit out of him, his brother and his mom. They would have to work in his skate rink and sleep on a couch which housed a gun underneath. This same couch is where his father would be getting it on with prostitutes while his mother watched. Having a childhood like that his learning capabilities at school suffered, having to work late nights he could barely concentrate and had a tendency to fall asleep in class. Eventually he got away, his mother and himself had to do whatever they could to survive on $123 a month. School was rough for him, he felt insecure having to play catch up with a learning disability and the teacher never gave him a chance. It was keep up or get out. Developing a stutter overnight.

So what are my excuses? What is my story? Well you could say I live a very comfortable life now, but I don't have a job, any aspirations, no girlfriend, no direction. I feel socially and emotionally awkward, I have a tendency to lash out from frustration. Things seem overwhelming or difficult to take in. I've always thought of myself as very average, probably because of years of being compared to others. I don't have a huge circle of friends, I had very few in my childhood. Why though?

When I was younger my mother and father would often have full blown arguments. Usually about money, whether it be hiding the money or my father not admitting he had gambled it all away. Being in the same room in that kind of environment as a child you kind of just build a shell around yourself to not get hurt too much. I would often get disciplined or smacked for wanting to go play with friends. I yearned to play with friends but was not allowed. At some point I had no friends. In this instance I had developed social anxiety. I would often be compared by size, intellect, ability at sports and behaviour to other children.

My mother owns a shop, still going to this day and she at one time tried to bribe my classmates to be friends with sweets. That's how bad it was. I was lonely, wanting to express myself but not able to because I was held back. The headteacher at my school would often criticize me for my handwriting, which many people to this day says it's garbage. The issue was going to Chinese school you often have to write in big squares to write the characters. Now transfer that into writing English. I would write the same way, big letters. I've always been bad at writing, English is my weakest subject after all.

So yeah my self confidence tanked. I still don't feel very confident but it's getting better. I fear doing something new and I also have a tendency to not be very committed at doing things. However the one thing I could always be committed to doing was playing video games. In video games you're always the hero of the story, friends would flock to you no matter what, be it out of friendship or circumstance and you would only have to focus on what you're doing in the game instead of worrying about what happens elsewhere.

With a combination of video games and no interaction with other children, I became skilled at not talking. Not developing my speech or my voice. I mean who's gonna listen to me anyway? I've always felt that way even now. No one really values what I said back then, I was tiny, my voice was tiny, my presence was miniscule. After that ordeal people say I have anger issues. Well reading what you've read it's easy to see why I do. Frustration from no one listening to you, frustration from parents arguing constantly, frustration because I had no friends, the only vent I had for these frustrations was cutting down monsters in RPGs.

Well I guess I lied a little, I did have one friend. That was Peter and what we had in common was gaming so that's what we did. If it wasn't for him my mind would have broke for sure.

I've never studied or was taught how to study properly. All the studying I ever did was doing homework. But that was enough to let me pass and get by. I got straight 4s in SATs. An average result across the board.

Sometime after I entered secondary school, my mother and father split. I was told it was due to my father gambling too much money away and not able to stop himself from doing so. But later, a lot later maybe when I started going college I was told the truth. So for all those years I was lied to.

My father is gay. He never wanted to be in a relationship with my mother. He never found her attractive. The only reason he was with her was to keep up appearances. He had been seeing other Men the entire time and also spending heaps of money on them. After my older brother kicked him out the house at age 22. My father told lies about how bad my mother was. My mother and brother could only stay quiet, no one would listen to them anyway. My father is a very skilled liar, he's able to twist the story in such a way that he can never be wrong.

In secondary school I was the subject of bullying. I was an Asian minority with most of the students being black. There would often being 4,5,6 maybe more black boys circling around me or cornering me in the bathroom spouting out racial slurs or picking on me for my height, the way I looked etc. You know the deal. At one point I did get into a bit of a fight. There was a big boys bathroom and the light switch so happened to be outside. So whenever I went to take a piss, the lights would go off. It would be pitch black, maybe a sliver of light. I had to work my way towards the door every time I wanted to go to the toilet.

I had maybe 1-2 people I hanged out with, also Asian. My secondary you can consider a prison, there was no where to run. Even teachers would pick on me for the coat I wore even going so far as to phone my parents about it. There were cameras everywhere, the big brother school they used to call it.

At some point, I had enough of school. The lot of it, it felt like such a waste of time. Tasks or units that I had completed in class, the teacher would say I hadn't finished. I didn't add a single line to that project and I still got an A for it. French was an abomination, all you ever did was do word searches. How could you call that learning? I never felt like I learnt anything in art class. To be honest if there was no teacher I would still have produced the same.

The only subjects that appealed to me were maths and the sciences, at least you had practical things to do and they were memorable.

Sometime during the last year of secondary I had randomly gone to my cousin's house. There my cousin's had told me they had a relative in the same school. Her name was Sarah...

[momentumgo]

Kelly Kurtz

Motion Designer http://www.kellykurtz.design/ Squamish, BC, Canada Age 38 She/Her

How did you get your start in motion design, animation, or whatever it is that you do?

I have a rather non-linear path to mograph, as many other people’s stories. I started off in a very different industry, but now (after 3 years) my love of the outdoors and motion design have (hopefully) come together.

I come from the adventure tourism industry of 12 years. I was an expedition guide in Canada’s North during the summers, an outdoor education instructor in the spring and fall working with grade 9 & 10’s, and during the winters I worked in Snow School at a local ski hill (Cypress Mountain) teaching ski lessons, supervising, and then in the last 5 years managing all the on snow operations for the department of 180 instructors.

I loved my time as a guide and have so many beautiful memories of guiding (canoeing, backpacking & rafting) as well as working in the ski industry for more than a decade. Guiding multi-day expeditions means you are away from home for months at a time, and your time in between trips is spent cleaning up and prepping for the next trip - which was exciting and worked for me in my 20’s but once I had done it for a decade I started to desire a shift. I had done a lot of photography during my guiding years and found myself up until 3am the night after trip editing photos because it was satisfying and challenging, I wondered if photography could be where my next path led.

I was always curious about design, especially graphic design. One day I met a woman who used to be a kayak guide for 6 years who went back to school to become a freelance graphic designer specializing in brand identity, had 2 young daughters whom she could spend more time with since leaving the guiding world and I saw a seed of possibility.

It took 3 years of thinking about making this shift, and jumping from one career to the next is not a decision to take lightly - but what ultimately pushed me over the edge was a 14 month head & neck injury that I sustained from a skiing accident in the winter of 2012/13.

As horrible and dark as head injuries are, there was a real silver lining in that experience as it became a catalyst for change for me. I applied to a few different art schools with some doodles that I did from when I had my concussion, (as well as some photography I took up during my guiding years), and to my surprise I was accepted into Vancouver Film School’s Digital Design program in the fall of 2015.

I initially was interested in web and app design, but in the first few weeks we worked on a small stop motion project and opened up After Effects and thought WOW - this stuff is amazing. Once we started learning Cinema 4D, and worked on a title sequence project my life really started to change, and that is how I quickly got hooked on Motion.

I really struggled to land a job after I graduated VFS, it took me 7 months to land a job and I felt forced to take it as it was the only job offer that I had, my funds were running out and I was in a depression. I stayed at that company for 10 months but it was very corporate and things didn’t move very fast. I felt like I wasn’t getting the growth I was desiring. I was constantly looking for something else.

I was approached by an advertising agency downtown about a motion design position they were opening up, so I jumped at the chance as I needed the change and was curious about the ad agency world. It was eye opening to work in an ad agency, but my gut told me I didn’t belong. 7 weeks into the job my producer blindsided me in a 1-on-1 meeting and told me she didn’t think I fit in here (first time I’d heard any feedback since being hired), and asked me to think about what I really wanted. Ouch. Unfortunately she was dead right, but it still felt soul crushing at the time. A few days later I handed in my resignation and decided to try freelancing instead of the endless search for the “right” full time job, and Vancouver can be pretty limited with motion design studios.

Freelance felt like a breath of fresh air, I could manage project the way that I wanted to, and mistakes were my own. I was freelance for most of 2018 and tho I had a steep learning curve, I enjoy many aspects of it. I also couldn’t help but think, I wish I had more experience and a larger network to lean on before hopping into freelance. I felt like I grew so much in terms of understanding business and the freelance game, but not as much growth as a designer. I craved to work with other motion designers and learn from them - a luxury that I had perhaps not realized I took for granted while going to school and learning from my very talented classmates.

Now my journey takes another shift as my dream company (Arc’teryx) has recently offered me a motion designer / video editor role that I start in a few weeks. The company is a high end technical outerwear company that I have adored for 20 years. It combines my love of the outdoors with design & video. So perhaps my personal and professional realms have just collided, I hope so as I’d like to be surrounded by like minded people who are passionate about similar things as I am.

How do you define success? What would success look like for you?

Success to me is being able to work with a synergetic team while creating compelling content that I am challenged and rewarded with while maintaining work life balance.

What are some best practices you use today?

Never. Stop. Learning.

Kick self doubt square in the balls. It will sneak up on you when you are least expecting it. EVERYONE goes through it, no one is immune.

Celebrate (and look for) your successes. No matter how small they are. This also helps with point #2

Take responsibility for your own journey. Sit down and write your goals out, give yourself targets to hit, and hold yourself accountable. So what if you can’t find a mentor, that shouldn’t stop you. Most mographers don’t have a mentor, only a lucky few.

How do you balance your work with your personal life? How do the two influence each other?

My work and personal life have always been very closely tied as my past can attest. I think part of the reason I really struggled in my first 2 full time positions as a motion designer was that my personal life was suffering. I was surrounded by people who didn’t go outside, who didn’t ski, who rarely exercised, who I just couldn’t connect with. And when you can’t connect with your team on a personal level, it’s hard to become a well oiled machine. For me, the two have to be very well aligned. Perhaps that is just my desire to have meaningful relationships, perhaps it is because the mountains have always been my first love, or perhaps I was never meant to separate the two.

When I take time to go out for a ski tour in the mountains, take a week off to disappear out of cell range to hang out with old friends in a cabin in the woods, I come back refreshed and feeling grateful for the time I just had. It is an opportunity to recharge and refocus.

How have you learned to practice self-care? What do you do to take care of yourself?

I used to be a workaholic when I was in the ski industry. I could never seem to catch up so I’d work long hours, not take care of myself, my stress levels were constantly running high. That’s when I made a mistake. One that resulted in my world coming to a grinding halt with a 14 month concussion, and it also left my team limping along for an entire season. Since then I’ve had no desire to be a full time workaholic. There is so much more to life. Family, personal, and time in the mountains.

So if I am not accelerating as fast as someone else, it’s because I’m playing the long game. While they are up at 1am watching tutorials I am sleeping because I want to be able to ski tour up 1000m to admire the view, and remind me of why I am alive. There is a culture within mograph that tells us we need to put in the time and practice to get better, and this is absolutely true. But the timeline that we all seem to hold ourselves to may not be the most realistic for staying healthy.

What advice do you have for those just starting out?

Be kind to yourself. Find out what motivates you and utilize that to manage your time and your priorities.

Take courses with School of Motion, Mograph Mentor, and Learn Squared.

Watch and do hella amounts of tutorials. If you are happy with the work you made with a tutorial, give the creator of the tutorial credit if you publish it online, but don’t claim that work as your own (I see this all the time, someone posts some work on Dribbble or Instagram and says they’ve been experimenting, but I know exactly what tutorial it was based on. If someone credits the tutorial maker, there is no harm done.)

Don’t use tutorials as your sole learning tool. Create personal projects, and don’t look at tutorials to carry you through it. Use experimentation while you have the luxury of time to work on that personal project. Your personal style will develop out of this, not out of tutorials. And consequently so will your confidence.

Listen to Podcasts (School of Motion, Mograph Mentor, Motion Hatch, Animalators, & The Futur).

Get out an network, physically and online. Both are important. Develop those relationships, they are everything in this industry

Go to 1 - 2 conferences per year, they are worth every penny. Get inspired, meet the people whose work you idolize, then use that to fuel your next sprint.

Create A LOT of work. Publish it.

Take care of yourself and stop judging yourself against others. You don’t know their journey, priorities, sacrifices or motivations.

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

can you do a headcanon where riley stays with eric for like a summer?

absolutely

Okay so 9th grade is drawing to a close and Riley’s a bit of an emotional mess

She’s just officially dumped Lucas after a few months of him being a shitty boyfriend and leaving her confused

She’s been picking up hints that Farkle’s actually interested in her, and by now she knows how she feels about him, but the dummy is still dating Isadora and hasn’t outright said anything so she’s just upset and confused about that whole situation

Her self-esteem is at an all time low, she’s fighting with Topanga more and more, she doesn’t want to talk about most of that with Maya and that’s causing them to fight a little

Basically she’s just back in ‘tired’ mode you feel

So Cory picks up on this and knows she just needs a general break so he starts looking up like if there’s any sleep away camps for her but he’s not finding anything he thinks she’d be thrilled with

And he does this for a while and just mentions it in passing to Eric (bc Eric knew something was up with her and wanted details) and Eric’s just like “dude I’m gonna be in DC for most of the summer and they’re running this program where high school kids can intern for their state’s senators. I’m SURE I could pull some strings and get Riley in”

And Cory thinks that sounds perfect bc he knows Riley misses being close to Eric and it’d be a great way for her to just forget about everything back home for two months and learn some things about politics while she’s at it

Topanga is sold because she thinks it would look great for college and job resumes

So one day after a particularly horrid day at school, during which she overheard 10 different classmates wonder when lucaya would get together now that Riley’s not ‘holding him back’, Smackle announced it was her and Farkle’s one year anniversary, and she accidentally toppled a pyramid during cheer practice, this girl is fucking done. She just wants to sleep. But Eric appears from the shadows and drags her off to dinner at some fancy restaurant

Like she appreciates the gesture but she’s not feeling it Topanga dead ass had to get a dress and shove her into the bathroom lmao

But anyway they get there and have a nice dinner. It’s literally just mostly Riley venting about all her problems while Eric nod’s and “no” ‘s appropriately

But sometime during dessert he just out of the blue “hey you wanna live with me this summer?”

This man has no tact there was no build up Riley was caught so off guard omfg

But he explains the whole internship thing, and he’s like “You’re a model student and I already spoke to the head of the program, they have no problem giving you the spot. I’ve got this big place in DC and Jack’s only going to be able to come by sporadically because of the company so that leaves plenty of time for uncle/niche bonding when I’m not at work. You’d get to meet a bunch of new kids your age, and I’m sure all the Smivy League colleges you’re shooting for will think this is great. You won’t have to focus on any drama with your friends until August. So, I’ll give you a few days to think about it? You know you can call me whenev-”

But Riley’s already shouting “YES!!!!” at the top of her lungs and lowkey tearing up omfg she’s so happy about this

Eric was not expecting this enthusiastic of a response but Riley’s hugging him and seems genuinely happy and excited for the first time all night so he’s thrilled

Okay, so she had to leave to be in DC about a week before her school actually got out. (Technically two, if you count the three days for exams) Cory worked it out so she took all her exams early on the weekend before she left

And Riley was like “Now, I could be mature about this and tell all my friends about this…Or I could be me and just up and leave with absolutely no warning and not give them any solid explanations unless I’m feeling better in August.”

She decides to go with that and swears Cory and Topanga and Auggie to secrecy lmao

Like literally the gang walks into History class one day and they’re all “Wtf where the hell is Riley she’s never absent” and Cory’s just like “Oh she moved to Washington please turn to page 394.”

You can imagine the reactions that got lmaoooo

So anyway, Riley’s in awe of Eric’s place in DC cause it’s so big and fancy

She doesn’t have to do anything her first day there so he sets her up with someone to take her on a tour of all the important buildings and stuff and she meets a couple of other intern kids so she has fun

And then when she actually starts the intern job it’s literally basically just following him around to take notes at meetings and getting messages to other senators and making coffee. She doesn’t find it that much of a hassle and really gets to know some of the other kids pretty well

They all have relatively the same grades and college aspirations as her and she’s like!!! Finally!!! People who are as smart as me but not obnoxiously condescending about it as Farkle and Smackle!!!

OR Finally!!!! People who seem to like me and not find any parts of me too annoying like Lucas and Maya!!!

Or Finally!!! People who don’t make me feel like they’re only talking to me out of convenience like Zay!!!

Like obviously Riley still adores her friends, she always will, but this was like a big eye opener that not every single person in the world is going to view her in the same way her friends and family do.

 And that really helped with her self-esteem a bit. Did it also help that Maya wasn’t there so she could constantly feel overshadowed? Yes. Like, she knows Maya’s in her life for eternity, but having a couple months to learn to thrive without her was really helpful for Riley. Same with not having Topanga try to nit-pick everything she does, or Cory constantly worrying over her, or things like that.

Eric was a pretty chill guardian. He gave her space to grow and try to figure things out about herself, he had no problem with her hanging out with the other internship kids. He let her dye the ends of her hair purple (which she pulled into a bun during work hours to look more professional), she got another ear piercing, she started playing guitar again which she hadn’t really consistently done in years (Eric had somehow ended up with one of Alan’s old ones, but he never used it despite his talent for it lol. Riley found it in a space room when she was exploring around one day since Eric and Jack went for dinner)

And Riley loves spending all this time with Eric again. Since he was around daily in her early childhood, and she had never completely taken well to him moving out. While they stayed close through the years there was just something different about it, you know? So hanging out with him every day made her happy and feel a lot more carefree.

He took her out for lunch every day unless he had to work through it, they saw movies whenever they could, he let her drag him onto a couple horrid shopping trips (with all the pink he was starting to have war flashbacks to Desire lol), her Instagram was flooded with cute selfies of them, they ate way too much pizza because cooking will never be Eric’s strong spot, he took her to see a musical one night. They were having a lot of fun.

And Eric was just thrilled bc Riley was deadass thriving like she was so on top of everything for work and was always having fun with the other interns. She was back to huge, bright smiles never leaving her face, there was a bounce in her step at all times, she joked around a lot and everyone at the office adored her.

Riley, true to plan, barely spent any time worrying about any drama she had back home. She was living in the moment and being happy. She occasionally shot her friends short updates like “Having so much fun here! Can’t talk right now, too busy, but can’t wait to see you guys when I get back!” but that was basically all the thought she was giving them. This was a summer of having fun and focusing on herself and her own shit and that’s what she was committed to doing

There were a few instances where Eric and Jack had her go through everything that was upsetting her, just so she doesn’t go back and just immediately fall back into those situations.

Conclusions she came to:

1) She was absolute on her feelings for Farkle, and felt she had dropped enough hints alluding to them. The boy and Smackle had officially broken up sometime in late June, and after all the drama of Lucas being such a passive boyfriend, she demanded that Farkle would have to be smart enough to make the first move.

2) She needed to stop being so symbiotic with Maya, or else she will never escape feeling overshadowed by her. She was sorta getting there with cheerleading, but she shouldn’t let devotion to her friend stop her from joining other clubs she wanted to, like physics club or sci fi club or drama club or GSA or student council or film club or the basketball team or a book club. She just needed some space away from Maya in places she knew she’d enjoy and shine in.

3) She already knew she was completely over Lucas Friar’s ass, but she needed to stop listening to her obnoxious classmates gossip about them. They had no real idea of anything that went on between them, so whatever they have to say shouldn’t effect her

4) Her grades were just as good as Farkle and Smackle’s, and she was going to make damn sure they remembered that when school started back up. She was sick of being made to feel like an idiot just because she didn’t laude her grades over everyone (however unintentionally the duo were doing that). She knew Farkle was mostly better considering she had floored him when she turned out to tutor him in math earlier in the year, so her main focus was just beating Smackle at like every test she could lol. It might be slightly petty but what else do you want from a 15 year old?

5) She was going to sit down and have a LONG talk with Topanga about how she makes her feel.

6) She is going to remain in contact with all her new friends from across the country and make more in the clubs she’s planning on joining. Her little group is still who she feels closest to and she has no plans on ditching them, but she still wants to branch out and not feel dependent on people who don’t feel dependent on her. She doesn’t want to feel dependent on ANYBODY.

And various other ideas on just how to keep herself sane and happy. Eric is extremely proud of her for all this yes he cries a bit

She also has a brief fling with one of the other interns and they both know it’s not serious or going anywhere and tbh that kinda thrills her to just spend a few weeks kissing someone she knows she doesn’t have to feel destined to marry. Having something so non-serious like that helps her feel more like she’s growing into her own person and isn’t supposed to repeat the steps of her parents

Eric gave her a diary so she could keep a very detailed account of all she’s going through and figuring out

Did they spend a bunch of time reminiscing old memories??? Yes. Because Eric has way too many baby pictures of her lol

All in all they just really re-bonded and Riley really started blossoming during this summer. But she did eventually have to head back home.

There was a big ‘welcome back’ party planned at the bakery, and they were all expecting the Riley Matthews who left to walk through the doors right

But instead in walks Riley Matthews, who doesn’t have bags under her eyes and who seems like she’s almost glowing. Spring in her step, bright smile, purple hair, taller, not sleep deprived, looking genuinely happy to see everyone. She seems sure of herself and confident, everyone is fucking floored yo

She did throw glitter in the air for her own entrance though, so they did know their girl was in there lol

She maintains the summer spent with Eric was one of the best moves of her life Topanga and Cory are lowkey like is this an insult lol

So yeah season 4′s happening so we can get the developed and confident Riley we deserve what to you mean cancellation lmao you must have misheard

[geekynerdydorkyme]

The Burn Book

To be frank, I've never been one to gossip or talk behing people's backs. This is mainly due to the fact that I never really fit in, and wasn't included in cliques, group dynamics and other drama. But these past few weeks (class weeks to be exact), I've felt like I'm litterally Cady in Mean Girls. Granted, without, the makeup, fashion and school shenanigans that come along. Besides, all of my classmates are adults, even if their behaviour is sometimes anything but. 

You see, the tragedy of Cady, in my opinion, is that she came to the battlefield known as school without any knowledge of warfare. What I mean by that is she has no idea how hypocritical people are they say one thing to your face, another behind your back. Now, at 25 I should know better than to expect people to speak candidly or be kind to everyone. But I never thought I would ever be in the middle of a battlefiled of my own.

Let me explain: I work in a real estate company that finances its own degree program for employees who have either never worked in that field before, or have experience but want to study further. Academically, I’ve been doing alright, despite my job having nothing to do with the subjects I study - but that will be for another rant. I’m in class one out of three weeks and that’s great because it gives me a break from work. However, whenever I’m in class, I’m caught up in conflicts I haven’t witnessed since middle school. And well, since wer’e back on useless drama, why not write my own Burn Book? 

So here it is, meet my class:

Horse Girl

It turns out I met her at my first interview (our degree is paid for by our company, so we went through several interviews as part of the application process). Obsessed with horses as nickname suggests. From a wealthy family (horses are expensive), but with poor manners. At first, I thought she was a spoiled brat, and she is bitchy on occasion but I get along fine with her for the most part, despite being exact opposites. I guess she’s not too bad, but she happens to be one half of the war currently raging in class.

 Boxer Girl

Man, does this girl pack a mean punch - or at least, I assume; I don't exactly want to confirm it. Here's the tea: she and horse girl were inseparable for a couple of weeks, and then it all came crashing down. I'm not privy to the details, and I haven't made any effort to, but long story short, they had to stay in the same hotel room at one point (accomodation is paid for by our company for those who don't live near the school) and fell out big time. Nowadays, our class is basically torn between them, and Boxer Girl being class president, she calls most of the shots. She reigns over a few loyal servants who help her undermine and talk shit about Horse Girl to our managers and teachers - classy, right? I mostly try to stay out of it but I have no idea where I stand with Boxer Girl: she blows hot and cold, sometimes sweet, sometimes cruel. I used to really like her, now I don't don't know what to think of her. I don't know what she thinks of me either. She’s still mostly nice, but who knows what she says of me behind my back. I have a group project with her in a while, guess I'll know then.

Soccer Haircut

Sorry but I don't know how else to define this guy. A faithful lieutenant of Boxer Girl, he's worked with the company for years and is very street-smart. He's otherwise quite bland and I find convervation with him unintesresting. 

Instagram Fashionista

No kidding, that's really what she looks like. Has also worked for the company for a while, and also follows Boxer Gril everywhere. At first I though she was really nice, now every conversation I have with her feels off, fake. And cherry on the cake: she sits beside me in class, so she's inches away as I'm typing this - yeah, sue me for writing in class 😋

Quiet Queer

Another one who's worked with the company before. Very shy and reserved, he doesn't talk much - at least with me. I haven't figured out what his deal is, if he's a friend or foe. He mostly looks uncomfortable when I chat with him, I have yet to decide if it's dislike for me or social akwardness. He seems to be on team Boxer Girl, but still hangs out with Horse Girl regularly and talks shit behind her back.

White Thug

Let’s be straigh: she’s not from the ghetto (she’s from Paris) ans has no criminal record (that I know of), but everything about the way she behaves and talk is reminiscent of the stereotypical thug. Has no care for rules whatsoever. Swears a lot, including while talking to teachers and managers. Found someone on the internet to do her homework for 100€. Has a friend who sells a suspicious amount of Apple goods online. Generally nonchalant and does not care about the impression she makes. I don't talk to her often - we don't have anything in common - but she’s okay. Used to be inseperable with a nice fellow she studied with in Paris, who since dropped out.

Tiny Chatterbox

Not even exagerating, she’s always talking, be it to someone or on the phone. She’s the size of a peanut but makes up for it with unsuspected might: if you cross her, she’ll end you. While she speaks her mind, she doesn’t take any good opportunity to shut up, which owed her the wrath of Boxer Girl. See, Tiny Chatterbox is a typical French: constantly complaining - most of the previously mentionned people do the same however - and that doesn’t seat well with Boxer Girl - who also complains a lot and even encourages people to complain, by the way. She seems oblivious to it though. Overall, I enjoy her company when I find myself in it, but even I see how others might find her annoying.

Rosa Parks

So, her nickname came to mind because she explained once how she, a black woman, refused to give up her seat on a train for a white woman who falsely claimed it was hers. If that weren’t enough to earn my respect, she’s the oldest of our class by a long shot and went back to school after being laid off from her previous job, all while being a single mom. That can’t be easy and I kinda admire her. She’s very level-headed and nice to talk to. Mostly hangs out with Tiny Chatterbox.

Little Miss Moody

The youngest in our class, she used to be friends with Horse Girl, but has since switched sides. I have worked on group projects with her and I have no complaints about it, she did her part well and she’s rather smart. I’m kinda taken aback by her attitude though: she usually looks uninterested or pissed off at whatever is going on around her, whether it’s class or conversation. Sometimes rude. Spends most of her time on her phone or ignoring others when she’s not with her chosen faction. 

Chainsmoking  Artist

Got in through his uncle who works for the company. Quiet but confident, good sense of humor, nice tattoos and sweet smile. Draws in class when he’s not taking notes - and he’s quite talented. Constantly smells of cigarettes. I often work with him on group projects and so far so good. I might also have a teeny tiny crush on him that I don't really wanna admit - he has a girlfriend though, forget it. Because he’s so quiet, it’s hard to tell if he’s taking sides for either Horse Girl or Boxer Girl. He appears to get along with everyone, but I can’t tell if he really is a good guy or if it’s just an act.

Aloof 

I thought very hard but I have no other word to describe him. One of the oldest of the bunch. Always late. Never pays attention, but asks for your notes later. Not a good study partner - in fact, everyone does their best to avoid being paired with him on group projects. It’s not that isn’t smart, he just doesn’t pick up the tempo and wastes time on pointless things. Very weird and quirky, which I don't mind, but also rude, which I do mind. That whole package makes him akin to a 30-year-old toddler and has isolated him from everyone; basically, only Chainsmoking Artist hangs out with him.

So, why is this bunch troubling me so? Technically, they’re not. But all this hypocrisy has been getting to my head. I haven’t been this concerned with the impression I made - other than being professionnal - or how people perceived me, in a long time. In a different setting, a class like this might be an opportunity for seeking friendships, but what kind of friendship is based of wondering if the other party genuinely likes your company or if they dispise you and are putting up a front to make fun of you behind your back?

Okay, I might have a slight bullying-related PTSD, but surely that doesn’t explain the unfriendly atmosphere every one in three weeks. On the surface, I get along with almost everyone, which doesn’t mean that I like them. I’m friendly when I can, polite when I must. Should you dig a little deeper, it’s rare for me to keep conversation going if I’m alone with anyone - then again, it’s rare for me to do so in most circumstances. But head my words: none of the people mentionned above is my friend. None is my enemy either. I refuse to get pulled further in their stupid conflict, and if they had a problem with it, they can come to me - which they won’t, since it would require speaking their mind, for once.

In any case, what a way to end a I-don’t-even-know-how-long hiatus. I’ve been busy - again. In my defense, work, studies and anxiety barely left me any time for myself. I’ll dwell more on that in another post. For now, take care 💜

Until next time 😉

[freshbouquetpenguinus-blog]

Nostalgic Naples??

After watching the ‘The Fire Games of Napoli’ (link will be left at the end). I was left feeling that Naples would only attract those who were interested in dark tourism. I was still intrigued to visit but 60% of me felt there was really no NEED to visit.

Well well well...What if I told you Naples was actually my favourite destination out of the whole trip? (Amalfi was my favourite too! In my opinion the two destinations are just incomparable!! Focus back on Naples, more on a Amalfi later!!) Now I am going to sound very predictable and emphasise on just how much I loved the pizza. I had the Margarita and as simple as the dish sounds...the concept of ‘less is more comes to mind’. I would apply also apply this concept to Naples as a whole. I absolutely loved Naples and what it had to bring. Considering I had never been to Italy in my life before this trip, Naples had proven to me what I felt Italy felt like. Union amongst the locals. Side roads with clothes hanging out to dry and oncoming traffic. It felt so beautiful to be apart of.

The locals are so kind and welcoming yet again. Myself and my friend were invited to have coffee with the locals. Free of charge and were very polite and keen on getting to know more about the UK,where I am from and Paris where classmate is from (although we were constantly mistaken for sisters, to the point we began telling people that we were looool).

I honestly cannot stress how affordable clothes shops were (where I bought a lovely pair of grey trousers). Even ended up connecting with Toni (the lady who I assume owns the store) via Instagram. As well as independent ran clothes stores, were big brand names like the one and only Sephora 😍 which is located inside the infamous Galleria Umberto which had some of the best historic artistry I have ever seen! It’s an absolute must see and is guaranteed to get your lenses out!!!! Giving you a chance to get a bite to eat from Maccies if you really want (I’m veggie....At least I was until the chicken was served at Hotel Villa Maria....So much so I asked for seconds...Okay Jadine you’re veggie 👍🏽😊. Sorry mini rant at self there *clears throat*, yeah so you have McDonald's like I said and a chance to get souvenirs if you like. I got some really great lighters, post cards, fridge magnets. THE LOT!! You name it, it was there mate! Enough of me yapping away...Enjoy the photo’s attached 😍😍.

[hiltonboudreaux-blog]

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[writingcommons-blog1]

“Deliberate Usage” by Drew P.

It happened in a split second. I came up from underneath the chilly water, my heart racing from the thirty foot plunge. I wiped the water from my eyes just in time to see my phone do the same, disappearing into Lake Macbride only a few feet in front of me, saying goodbye with a soft plunk.

I looked at my friends standing on the cliff above me with their jaws dropped. How would I react to such a cataclysmic event? My friend Kevin, the one who was using my phone to record my jump into the lake, immediately started apologizing. "I'm so sorry, dude. I'm so sorry. It was an accident. I tripped and let go of it to catch myself. I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to." He must have thought I was furious at him. Granted, I probably deserved to be considering he managed to hold onto his beer during his stumble but not my nearly brand-new iPhone. My other friends were still standing there speechless, probably unsure how I would react but furtively relieved they weren't to blame for the mishap.

Everybody was bracing themselves for the worst. After all, in our modern era of constant connection, a phone dropped in a lake is a worst-case scenario. But oddly enough, my initial panic only lasted about two seconds. My phone was gone. It was forty feet below me now, lying in the mud as murky water filled its every nook and cranny. There was nothing anybody could do about it, and throwing a fit wouldn't change a thing other than ruining our day at the lake.

I climbed back up the side of the cliff and joined my friends at the top, where they all seemed genuinely perplexed by the fact that I wasn't having a mental breakdown in one form or another. Was my indifference to the situation some bizarre coping mechanism? Was I about to blow up? Not really. It's hard to imagine being calm when you've just lost your phone: that little black rectangle that holds your secrets, conversations, pictures, social media apps; everything that makes you reachable and proves you exist in the world. But oddly enough I felt relieved. With the prospect of an Instagram post no longer a possibility, I could jump off the cliff for the fun of it. I could enjoy the adrenaline rush of the jump without worrying that my scream sounded weird, that my stomach looked fat, that I was flailing my arms too much or that Kevin wouldn't get the right angle and we'd have to try again. Flirting, the uniquely anxiety-inducing ritual among college students that was once only present in bars, coffee shops, and dates, has now become omnipresent in the world of iMessage and Snapchat.  But without my phone, I was free from the dreadful task of holding another fruitless shallow conversation with the boy I had a crush on at the time. In short, I was unreachable. I was just a college student hanging out with some friends at the lake, completely detached from the rest of the world. And it was great.

When I got back to my apartment that night I opened my laptop to read all of the messages I had presumably missed throughout the day. I had people who seemed upset with me, assuming I was ignoring them. My mother, it seems, jumped to the conclusion that I was dead just because I hadn't texted her in eight hours. It felt weird. Was I supposed to feel bad? I really had a great day. Is it not okay to be unreachable for one day? Must I really be in constant communication with everyone I know? I guess so.

I spent the next two weeks without a phone, and I loved it. I could go to class and not squirm in my seat, constantly battling myself and resisting the urge to pull it out and check my notifications at every buzz. Walking to class or work became a lot more calming when I was admiring the weather or smiling at the people passing by me on the sidewalk rather than refreshing my twitter feed or the snapchat story of someone that I spoke to one time at a party a year ago. It was almost meditative. Leaving class was also a treat. I discovered that I could actually talk to my classmates on our way out the door rather than pulling my phone out and diving into my own little curated world.  Going to the store without headphones wasn't nearly as miserable as I imagined it to be and I even overcame the irrational fear of looking cashiers in the eye that it seems most college students have.

Originally a tool for urban elites to make phone calls out of the office, cell phones have become much more than that. It's an expectation that you have a phone, almost a requirement. They're as powerful as our computers and hardly ever let them leave our sides. After all, it's almost a sin to be unreachable for a few hours. Living without an iDevice for a few weeks allowed me to realize how central they've become to our lives, and seeing friends fiend for a charger the second their battery drops below 30% is almost scary. One doesn't have to look much further than the op-eds section of any newspaper or website to find modern-day luddites crying out that our phones are altering our lives in ways we never expected. Hanna Rosin's viral Atlantic piece Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation? argues that cell phones are hurting teenagers' sleep patterns and stifling their desire to become independent, autonomous adults (Rosin, 2017). In a recent techcrunch.com article Sarah Burr points to studies that tie social media use to unhappiness and Steve Jobs famously didn't allow his own children to use iPads or have any screens in their bedrooms.

Unfortunately, living in 2018 without a phone simply isn't realistic. It may be blissful for a few hours, but as I soon discovered after losing mine, it presents real challenges. I never realized how reliant I had become on Google search, and everything from grocery shopping to hanging out with friends is a little bit harder when you actually have to plan ahead. Having to open up and log into my laptop every time I wanted to watch a video or check my email felt like a daunting task after being accustomed to having the entire internet in my pocket 24/7, but it also felt more deliberate, and that's what made all the difference. Using our phones has become second-nature to us, and our compulsive refreshing is anything but deliberate. It was the actual attention to what I was doing that made living without a phone feel so different yet refreshing, and it's that attention to purpose and intent that kept me grounded after I made that fateful trip to the U.S. Cellular store to replace my phone with a new one.

I still use my phone every day, but not in the way I used to. I don't have any social media apps on my phone, and most of the time my screen is in grayscale mode. You'd be surprised how much more boring everything seems without the bright colors that make apps so stimulating and exciting. Sometimes I keep my phone in my backpack instead of my pocket, and I leave it in the kitchen to charge at night instead of right next to me in bed. Sometimes it takes me more than a couple of minutes to see and reply to a text, and sometimes I feel like I don't keep up with people on Instagram and Snapchat as much as I'm expected to, but I think I've found a good balance. It's made my life feel less chaotic and more mindful - or in other words, deliberate.  

Works Cited Bilton, Nick. "Steve Jobs Was a Low-Tech Parent." The New York Times, The New York Times, 10 Sept. 2014, www.nytimes.com/2014/09/11/fashion/steve-jobs-apple-was-a-low-tech-parent.html. Buhr, Sarah. "Phone-Addicted Teens Aren't as Happy as Those Who Play Sports and Hang out IRL, New Study Suggests." TechCrunch, TechCrunch, 23 Jan. 2018, techcrunch.com/2018/01/23/phone-addicted-teens-arent-as-happy-as-those-who-play-sports-and-hang-out-irl-new-study-suggests/. Twenge, Jean M. "Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?" The Atlantic, Atlantic Media Company, 4 Aug. 2017, www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/09/has-the-smartphone-destroyed-a-generation/534198/.