#and let’s be honest elain’s book is most likely not even going to spend time addressing what those two did to feyre

[stargirlfeyre]

People still don’t understand that what Feyre went through in the cabin was not a “we need to hear all sides to understand” situation. We don’t need to hear all sides to “pass judgment” on the situation because NOTHING Elain or Nesta could say will ever justify what they did to their baby sister. Sorry but I’m not “waiting until Elain’s book so we can get her side of the story”. Nothing in that book is going to be a good enough reason for the way she treated Feyre just like nothing in Nesta’s book was a good enough reason.

It confuses me when people use that argument to protect the sisters from getting hate because like…? This is not a “we need to get the whole story from all sides” type of situation. It also confuses me how people agree that Nesta’s behavior shouldn’t be excused just because she was traumatized but the defense when it comes to Elain is always “that’s just how she was raised”. Yeah the way Nesta acts is also a result of how she was raised but we already agreed that that’s not an excuse. Those two fucked up. End of.

[elriell]

Some jumbled up thoughts about Elain, Lucien and Azriel + Mating Bonds

There have been a lot of conversations regarding this topic and I thought I’d flesh it out a bit myself, but these are facts/observations that as a fandom many have noticed, discussed, analysed. I just wanted to dive in myself fully.

I want to talk about each of them individually as well as, as a whole. Their emotions and mindsets, as someone who loves all three characters and wishes for all of them to get a happy ending. I will preface this with saying I will be discussing why it is very likely Elain will reject the bond and such things, so along the lines of Anti-Elucien. If you are a fan of them, thats cool, just skip this one if you happen upon it. 

We are going to dive in to the following;

Lucien & Elain  (their choices)

Lucien & Azriel  (contrast)

Rejecting the Bond

New Bonds

Fate & THE POV 

and why the writing is basically telling us everything we need to know...

Lucien 

Lucien is noble male, he has a good heart and has suffered his plenty, and this is why people want what is best for him, to be the happiest he can... Unfortunately I think that in this case Elain is not it. 

He is right to feel that way, just as Elain has a right to feel as she does. I think it is incredibly interesting that when we finally see from his POV we see that in a way he feels as though this has been thrust on them. 

That with his last love he had a choice and so did she.

It reminds me very much of this line about Rhysand’s parents, who were an example of an unhappy mating bond.

We will deep dive in to wrong matches further down, but the fact is that mated couples are not always indicators of true paired souls, that they very well could be the couple that do not end up happy together.

I speak on Elain and her agency a lot because I feel like a large portion of the fandom like to discard it as if it means nothing, and even judge her for it but if we actually take a look at Lucien’s behaviour he is not all that more happy.

There are some key differences between them though, Lucien as a male feels their bond to a different degree than she does, and he also has been raised to believe and respect the bond. And thus he feels a certain obligation to honour it in the best way he can. 

This doesn’t mean he thinks she is right for him, any further than his attraction to her (which like same dude same), he hasn’t displayed any signs that they actually aline as a couple. And I feel like SJM clearly highlights this when she sets examples of his gifts not being... well right for her. 

The gloves we know she never wears show us how little they know each other as she loves to get dirty [which Feyre had told him] and the pearl necklace is then contrasted by Azriels which was very personalised to Elain. 

(The rose, the secret beauty of it hitting the light etc...)

These are all deliberate moves by Sarah to showcase their misaligned bond.

And during Elain’s section I will also be pointing out some Lucien moments that really don’t read well for him. I genuinely believe he is much happier amongst the Band of Exhiles than he is when he is seen with The Inner Circus.

Elain

Here is the thing, this situation isn’t any easier on him that’s true but people need to respect Elains feelings, and the fact is she does not like him. Not only does she not like him but she shrinks in on herself, she looses all the progress and confidence she has made since the Cauldron. That is not a good sign of anything healthy.

If this is suppose to be a romance we root for why is she doing everything in her power to make it seem the opposite? If she genuinely was playing the long game she would have at least started to make them comfortable around each other, goodness they don’t even have to talk, but she does the opposite.

She emphasises that he brings out the bad in her. Again, no bueno. She quite simply does not want to be around him and with SJM’s writing I think this is highly deliberate on her part. 

[And let’s be clear there are countless quotes from the other books that do NOT reflect well on their relationship but I am trying to stick to ACOSF, as it is her most recent work, otherwise I would be here all day.] 

Rejecting the Bond

We have almost a two page discussion on why mating bonds are not an exact science, and that they can be more harmful than good. We are given two examples of it, with both Rhys’ and Tamlin’s parents. And then we get a very subtle hit at Azriel. This is all in the book Sarah said she began planting the seeds for the sisters journeys.

We also know from this there is a choice. But that many force it, because they feel it it right, (much like Lucien is probably doing right now, because he feels a duty and hope that it will work out.)  

Then we have the fact thrown at us that a lot of males believe that their mate belongs to them and will challenge the other male, which we now have a call back to with Rhys’ mentioning “The Blood Duel”. 

There is literally not one reason Sarah would put this in TWICE only for it never to happen or come close too happening. How anyone can question at this point that Elriel will happen is confusing to me, she has laid all the groundwork for it.

Now I don’t believe for a second that Lucien wouldn’t respect her choice, I think it will most certainly come down to Beron forcing his hand to wage the war we know he wants.

I think despite what Rhys said in Azriel’s POV under immense stress, TNC will protect Elain and ultimately stand by her decision. 

Not only does ACOSF spend a great deal of time creating a further divide between Elain & Lucien it also add a shockingly large quantity of easter eggs about “Elain choosing bonds” “Other Mate” “What if it chose wrong?” and again in this book like in ACOMAF we bring back up a failed mated pair to remind you of it’s existence.

All possible signs lean towards them breaking the bond.

And frankly from a storytelling perspective having three perfect bonds that are basically the same overarching love story (enemies to lovers) is boring, she would want to shake it up and throw a little curveball.

Lucien + Azriel  &  Why I think Azriel will have a bond with Elain.

“If anyone can sense if something is amiss, it’s a mate” And low and behold it is Azriel who figures out what was going on with her. Not to mention in the reveal SJM further displays that Lucien has no clue what was going on with her.

I don’t know what bridge holds their bond but I wouldn’t trust crossing it personally... :/

Further still, Lucien cannot hear her heart. Their bond is definitely not strong but you could also argue that is not an element of the bond at all but rather of her abilities perhaps. Since we know she could hear the sea too though it was nowhere close by.

But Azriel did hear her, he did pay attention and he figured out what was amiss. 

It is interesting to me that people took such issue with this when I believe very few have issues with Rhys or Cassian fighting for their respective partners. Now I have gone in to it in depth about how I think that this was pure emotion and illogical on Azriel’s part, and I don’t believe he would kill Lucien so carelessly.

I think it speaks to the same blind emotion a lot of them have displayed for their mates, Lucien may have wanted to see if she was worth it but Azriel knows she is worth the fight.

And for all intensive purposes in that moment he was willing to fight for someone he believes shares his feelings.

Now let’s tackle the whole “Possessive” crap.

First of all, all of the male pairings in this series have shown moments like this, so if it is bothering you here why isn’t it bothering you at other points?

Lucien has been just as instinctively possessive from their bond, and let me clarify, I am not shaming him for that anymore than anyone else. What I am pointing out is the double standard, if anything Azriel has more reason to feel like he can fight for her because she has actually shown him care, interest and attraction. 

They have actually bonded a lot more than she has with Lucien thus far.

And if they truly do have an upcoming bond then judging him on three paragraphs when we don’t know what the heck is going on is just ridiculous.

On the same note of that scene, let’s talk about “deserve”

First of all he never said he deserved her, Rhys implied that is what he was gleaning from the conversation and that it is just lust, which we know is not the case. Clearly Rhys perception is not accurate at all so to take his statement at face value and call it fact is a bit disingenuous.

Azriel wasn’t claiming he deserves her, did you read his POV at all?? He didn’t even feel like his hands should touch her let alone deserve her. Please go back and read that chapter again if you can’t see that.

Not to mention I think that the idea of FATE, and believing in hope even when the odds are stacked against you (AKA her having a mate) is actually very consistent with SJM storytelling and Az. Remember this;

The fact that he is hopeful despite the despair of his situation is exactly what people have valued about him. Not to mention after Rhys says this to Azriel he says to them;

So Rhys too believes they were brought in his family for a reason, some sort of fate.

Amren too thinks they are blessed by fate. Why is it so shocking and offensive that Azriel have a little hope that there is a reason they came in to their lives? Because he isn’t with your fav?

Let’s be honest he didn’t exactly get over Mor in ACOMAF, ACOWAR and then even ACOFAS there are slight moments, thats over a long period. Three sisters didn’t just arrive and he went TAG “I want one.”

No, he genuinely grew to care for Elain, and let go of his past, and in watching Elain not find any connection with her mate he saw it as a sign that the Cauldron was wrong, which we know it can be. 

I don’t know if people are selective readers but if you think that he doesn’t care for her as a person beyond being a “sister” I don’t know what to tell you, we are not reading the same books.

ANYWAYS back on topic.

I think Sarah has laid a lot of groundwork for her breaking the bond and perhaps choosing a new one. I know not everyone is keen on another bond as they feel her free will and choice is enough, that’s fair and I agree to a point. 

I just wanted to analyse the data at hand, and I do believe after ACOSF (I never thought it prior really) that they are mates in some capacity, whether that is because of the Cauldron or something that will occur... I think she has laid enough groundwork for them being Soulmates at the least. Hence why I love the idea of a Carranam bond.

There are so many parallels between Rhys, Cassian & Az that could be taken as little signs but honestly this is long enough I am sure you all want to kill me already for making you read all that hahaha 

One last little morsel, it very well might be nothing but Az shouting after they take Elain is an interesting choice, it’s ambiguous enough that you can take it to mean the pain but it could also be another little crumb.

Basically with all said and done I think she will give Elain her agency back and break it.

And potentially something will occur with Azriel as a result but thats certainly more grey than the rest of it.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk!

Obviously, to each their own opinion, have fun and ship whatever you want these are just my thoughts on the text at hand!

(Also I am sorry I got like 20+ messages to get to in my inbox, yeah I kinda ignored everyone and worked on this today, sorry!!! I’ll be back tomorrow)

[kimsnnn]

Part 2

Disclaimer: This post is in favor of my ship, Elriel. No hate, just an opinion. This is what makes sense to me. If this isn't your cup of tea, and it came up on your feed, no worries just skip please. 

With all this in mind Elriel to me just seems so clear.

The enemy is Koschei and Vassa is the only one to be directly linked to and affected by him so she will be the one to defeat him, plan and give us insight from the inside because she is the one who is captive. She has a personal interest in defeating him and that victory and moment is rightfully hers to own.

She will get a book. Her being a firebird means nothing? why would people assume she won't have a conscious while in that form when Rhys, Tamlin and Helion do?  Why do people believe that a story cant be developed and moved along as a firebird? Has any one ever read a werewolf book? Im soooo confused. I mean why is that a end all? Even as a firebird she can see and reveal so much, and as a person even more.

The main original characters that have a direct link to Feyre from the very beginning before Hybern, Amarantha, and ACOWAR are Nesta, Elain and Lucien. Those are the characters that make the most sense to have their own book. Not Tamlin who is of no importance to Feyre anymore. Who is of importance and who where her first family Lucien basically becoming her first brother. She is always concerned for these people. If you take a look at all of Feyre’s POV in ACOFAS its always showcasing her concern or confusion for  Her sisters, Lucien and even Mor (possible novella).  These three individuals (N&E&L) are the ones she has an original relationship with and the most history, a shaky relationship that has room to be improved on. These are the wildcards, the ones who have wronged her in some way, the ones who’s stories NEED to be told. Three different people three different stories.

If you also take a look at Rhys’ POV in order, you realize he talks to or refers to 5 people usually:

Cassian, Azriel, Mor, Tamlin & Lucien

Each of these first 5 POV also directly touches on what issues exactly are pertaining to them or could be pertaining to them if that had their own book OR how they may contribute to the whole over arching plot.

If we conclude everything from those first 5 chapters ( I'm not including the rest because its too much, and they also include these 5 characters regardless) of importance this is what we have and what each book may touch on.

1st POV: involves

-Cassian - Illyrian dissent, inequality, Nesta, queen Braiylln, training female Illyrians,

-Cassian’s role

2nd POV: involves

-Azriel-shadows/powers strength, Az’s past, confusion on shadowsinger abilities, Illyrian dissent/hate, Human queens, Hyberns people, Human lands, Vassa’s situation,

-Az’z emotions (& concealing of emotions) on : Lucien, Elain, Possibly Az’s mom and her whereabouts (Rosehall).

3rd POV:

-Tamlin/Lucien-SC and Tamlin current state and down fall, alliance with Tamlin, peace/future, Lucien’s and Tamlin’s relationship, Anger/Hate/Remorse/Defeat/Hope/Empty, Feyre

-Feyre-Tamlin, Rhys’ actions and remorse

-Jeweler(Neve)-no jewels for Feyre, Neve’s background

4th POV:

-Velaris estates along the Sidra before and after hybern,

-Mor: Rhys and mor’s relationship currently, Kier/Eris/CoN

-The CoN people occupied the Velaris estates (they left Hewn City before the division of the NC)

-Kiers upcoming visit to Velaris in Spring (the hewn city’s containment and curiosity)

-Mor’s Mother/ desire to leave the NC

-Mor’s Role

Rhys’ 1st POV which included Cassian and Cassian’s following POV/Chapter was a foreshadow to ACOSF completely. Everything touched was basically addressed in ACOSF.  Rhys basically told Mor and Cassian to assume different jobs and roles (to lessen Azriel’s world load) in their chapters which came true in ACOSF.

A bond between Elain and Lucien does not mean they will have a book. If I'm honest they remind me a little of Nesyrn and Chaol who seemed like with time something could blossom between them but in reality just weren't for one another and were better off as friends. All that connects these two is an unwanted bond, a person they both have wronged yet care about (Feyre) and an incident that resulted in Elain’s trauma. Everyone thought Elain who is literally everything to Nesta, who Nesta would have sacrificed everything for, would be more involved, yet she wasn't even present in the majority of Nesta’s book, at least not as present as we thought she would be. But she was mentioned throughout ACOSF nearly in every chapter because Elain does and has impacted Nesta’s life completely.This is something I expect to happen for Elain’s book as well. Yes Lucien will appear but perhaps the purpose of his appearance would be to get closure and fill in questions left unanswered. If ACOTAR 5 is an Elriel book and not ACOTAR 6 then her book will also serve to set up for his book with Vassa.

Feyre’s relationship with the IC is fine and any issues can be resolved in the books of the others (like for example as Love interests) or in a novella.

Cassian had a POV, the second main role in ACOSF but.. ACOSF was Nesta’s story.

The same can be said for Elriel’s book as well as Vassien’s.

And yes a male can have a book like Chaol did but in my opinion it won't be Az with Gwyn being the second main POV. It will be Lucien with Vassa who has far more ties to the IC and to the over arching plot. Vassa at least has met Feyre the main character of the whole ACOTAR world.

Hypothetically speaking lets say Az does get a book and ends up with Gwyn and the plot is about the Illyrian camp. Their story would most likely be written as a novella if anything not an actual book, there is not many ties that Gwyn has so far to the whole plot at least not yet. But getting a novella still wouldn't make sense when we have characters, who are not only closer to the plot but also provide an opportunity to get info/support to win this war, like Mor who is spending time in Vallahan, and Tamlin who’s literal court is not only in shambles but unfortunately detrimental to the success of attaining peace.

I do think Gwyn is more important to this plot then most give her credit for but I dont believe that necessarily means shes due a book or a main POV especially over Vassa. And Emerie.

Vassa who has direct link to koschei the main issue, point and villain of the plot and Emerie who has a direct link to Illyria and its backward ways in everything most importantly on its stance of women and their roles.

SJM Set Elriel to be endgame because it just makes the most sense. Not only because of their connection, moments and relationship thus far but because that's what makes the most sense with this plot. There’s no spinoff in the works.

There’s no reason for Gwyn or ANYONE for that matter to be the one to defeat koschei over Vassa, no reason to have the hugest wedge between Elucien while building a bridge for Elriel, no reason to build and hint for Mor’s leave and put emphasis on Tamlin & the SC’s dire situation.

Has anyone considered if Lucien wants to even be HL ?

Lucien’s future as a highlord comes down to if he even wants to even become the Day Court’s High lord in the first place.

Lucien thought less of humans and was indifferent to them in ACOTAR yet now has found a home and friends among them. ‘

Truthfully the BOE’s work in the same way that the IC does and the Valkyerie.

Actually scratch that the Valkyerie work exactly like the BOE’s.

Yet can anyone imagine any of the Valkyrie leaving their group or be far from each other especially if one of their member’s is their possible love interest ?

They will choose each other and they will create a future where they are all together.

I don’t see lucien who has finally found stability and friends leaving the BOE’s to play high lord at Day court unless Vassa and Jurian decide to leave with him. Which seems unlikely. The only way I see that happening is if vassien truly becomes endgame resulting in Vassa going to Day court. But where does that leave Jurian.

I believe that after the Beron and AC issues are resolved, that Eris will ascend and become HL, Lady Autumn will leave to be FINALLY with Helion to be Lady Day 😍, and Lucien can enjoy his life in the mean time with his found family, stay as an emissary and possibly prepare to be Day’s HL down the line in the future.

[vidalinav]

Burning Questions I Still Have:

You know SJM really hasn’t given us too much substance in these book talks so I’m just going to put down these questions as my own way of expanding the topic of the book beyond Eris, Azriel, and the copious amount of sex they’re going to have (Nesta and Cassian) though all of that is very exciting. 

1. How much does Mor factor into this story? Are we going to see her at all or would she be more focused in on an Azriel story if we get one? 

2. Does Elain have any say in sending Nesta away? Will she have some involvement in Nesta’s healing? Will we see her in Illyria, visiting her sister perhaps, or will it be short instances? 

3. Does Nesta make new friends? Assumedly she does, but right now it’s looking very established character centric, but you know with these lack of spoilers. (rolls eyes)

4. Will the witch concept brought up in ACOWAR come up in ACOSF? Is Nesta technically a witch? Because her power extends beyond her natural reserve “technically.” Will we see other witches? Witches vs Illyrians... Maybe?

5. What is the main conflict in Illyria? And how will it be resolved? So far we know it has something to do with rebellion, but how do you fix that realistically? 

6. How will the women in Illyria gain some autonomy, because lets be honest, everyone learning to fight is and is not going to fix everything? 

7. Where is Bryaxis? 

8. Eris has a deal with Rhysand to help him kill his father. How would that work? Does it involve Nesta, does this then involve her more in the Inner Circle’s antics in which she’ll gain a job in some way? Whether she wants to or not. 

9. How does Nesta suffer? We know emotionally, yes. Power, yes. But how does that come about when there’s so much potential conflict in this book. 

10. What is the main conflict of this story? There seems to be many, that I’m sure will be extended to the other books that come out, but to what to extent does this book extend to the others. Will we see all of the same characters in the books after this one? 

11. Eris’s mom and Helion; Helion and Lucien. Enough said. 

12. Nesta dealing with her father’s death. 

13. Cassian’s mom, who is supposedly dead. (Jury is still out on that one; no dead body, no dead)

14. What’s that shadowy evil substance that Mor discovers by her estate?

15. Will Mor get a story? Especially since if she does then she’d be the first LGBTQ character from the SJM universe to have their own book... I think. Don’t quote me on that. But she’s got a lot to deal with too and I think she deserves a book. She’s a very interesting character. She reminds me of a mixture between Aelin and Bryce and the more secretive aspects of Nesta. 

16. Will Elain ever get a mate or significant other? Honestly, I’m on the fence with this. Mostly because one, Elain is purely side-character to me. She’s interesting, but not enough right now to warrant a whole book. I also just think that right now she’s kind of useless, and I don’t mean that to be mean, I just mean that she doesn’t have a purpose yet and most of her personality right now is purely fodder. It’s her main personality I say. Maybe not the honest to god deep one, but she’s got at least the surface level personality with hints of iceberg feelings. 

Interestingly enough it makes more sense I think to have the next book centered on Lucien and Azriel if they’re going to settle that conflict. Even though I hate love triangles in any sense, but none of them love each other right now anyways... And I think that it would be hard to figure out these three relationships when they’re already linked together in ACOWAR and ACOFAS. 

17. Will we ever know why Amren and Nesta got into a fight? Will their relationship be fixed? Also where she at in this whole conflict of interest that is this book and Nesta being sent away? Will we see her often? 

18. Will Rhysand have a good amount of time in this book? What is his involvement with Nesta--his sister-in-law lol? Will their relationship reach some level of understanding? Will they hate each other for ever? Will they have some semblance of mutual respect and a common denominator that is the love for Feyre and their protectiveness for their family? 

19. What are Cassian’s conflicts? To be quite honest, I feel this book is very Nesta centric, and I do hope that Cassian is not just thrown in there for romance and that’s it. BUT we know the Illyrian conflict, the Mor/Azriel conflict, the issue with being born a bastard, not belonging with his people. The Nesta conflict, the war probably. But like besides Nesta, all of these conflicts have existed for as long as he’s lived. So is that really a conflict or an issue to be dealt with... A lot of this will be resolved through the “Powers of Love” lol and whatever else they can do in Illyria, but then what else? Internally, I don’t feel he has too much to deal with because well... a lot of his problems center around other people. 

20. What will Feyre being doing? Let me be honest, I don’t like the thought of Feyre being pregnant. I understand her body her choice, but this girl literally went from let’s spend time with each other to let’s have a baby, because maybe it won’t happen in a few hundred years. But let’s be honest, if I was her I would not be thinking that it would happen in a few hundred years. Things happen in the most inconvenient times, and right now with all this, it’s very inconvenient. I also think I really don’t like it because right now she is really playing into that role of a wife and not as everything we know her as. I mean she’s allowed to relax, to be loved and what not, but I don’t know. Lame, I think, that she became high lady in name, but probably not in any sort of empowerment way, and I think that’s sad because she could do an awful lot of good, and should do it, because right now her court has soooooo many issues, even issues that Rhys kind of just puts in the back burner and hopes for the best. She is the equal to Rhys, but so far she’s not seeming so equal and she also seems to have lost some purpose. So I’m also wondering if this want of a child and planning for it is Feyre’s way of being useful again... because she spent so much of her life taking care of other people. Which again..... ehhhhhh. 

21. What the f*** are Nesta’s powers? What do they do? I hope it does not end in some vague inclination like Mor’s truth power whatever. But like, she should be all powerful, death god status. I want to see Nesta as the goddess she is. 

22. Koschei??? The stealer of the hero’s wife or whatever as he’s referenced in Russian lore... I think? Is he going to be more involved in Vassa, or Elain even (because Elain right now has always been the damsel) or Nesta, because of the queens and “their powerful ally.” Wouldn’t he be the best teacher for Nesta’s power really, when he’s a powerful sorcerer in the book/death god that has worshippers and what not and collects women.   

>>> My theory is that if Elain and Lucien are the next pov’s then maybe Nesta will be kidnapped by Koschei at the end, and Elain gets to really show what she’ll do for her family, and what she’s made of. But it also keeps the story going without cutting it off completely, and we keep the bigger conflict which is that there’s a whole world of problems and rulers and that Nesta’s story can’t really end at this book, because again she’s suppose to be all-powerful, cauldron incarnate, the wind has heard of her, spreading the news around, and that she does need to learn her powers and I doubt anyone can really teach her, but she for sure probably can’t teach her self. 

23. Will the love triangle situation not be between Elain, Lucien, and Azriel, but Vassa, Elain, and Lucien, or maybe a love square like A Midsummer Night’s Dream? That would be kinda cool. I just don’t really know if Azriel will be a love interest for Elain, even if he has that fondness for her. Azriel has a lot of problems, but he’s also like... I don’t know. Off topic. 

24. The Queens--what the hell? What about that one who turned old and is now immortal? They were chilling in Vassa’s kingdom. Where are they so Nesta can beat their asses? Also, these human kingdoms--what? What are they doing now that their queens are just in hiding and that allied with Hybern to be fae? Do they know? 

25. Magical humans--fae blood sometimes trickle into human lines from that one fae whoever she is. Doubt she’s the only one. Probably will have magical humans, realistically. 

26. Vassa--all of Vassa. Maybe Vassa and Mor.... You never know. I doubt they’ll get that curse reversed and she’ll be completely human, so maybe she’ll a be a shifter of a sort. If I can remember she’s like the only successful experiment. So maybe she got some fae blood and she can live for a long time and can be with Mor. I certainly hope Mor does not give up her immortality for her love interest, which I’m assuming you can do like in TOG. 

27. The fae kingdoms, that conflict needs be somewhat resolved. Doubtful. There’s three main ones I think. No one’s been signing treaties. How? That is all. 

28. Azriel powers, shadows, how did that happen? Does it elude to something bigger. 

29. Cassian’s background. Who the hell is he? Will we know papa? Mama? Past? He’s the most powerful Illyrian commander, he can’t be normal. The laws of fiction dictate otherwise. 

30. Last names? Middle names? Titles. Give me everything Sara. 

31. Eris. After daddy is dead, what next? Is his conflict so small and easily taken care of. He is very interesting to me. 

32. Did they actually take care of the cauldron? Miriam and Draken, will we see them again and their ideal world? 

33. Will Nesta travel? Because she should. She deserves to, it was her plan in ACOTAR, but then she stayed, and now she’s a shell. Please have Nesta see the world. With Cassian or without. Don’t care. Maybe both. 

34. How is a treaty going to be established, when humans hate fae, fae enslave humans, and the fact that there is so much more than fae that exist as we know????? Hmmm???

35. Oh Tamlin! Where he at? What he been doing? How will he help this conflict? Assuming he’s probably going to factor more in Lucien’s story, I’m almost positive he’s the next POV. It wouldn’t make sense otherwise to my fanfic writer/ obsessive reader brain.  

36. The objective of different worlds. I know SJM probably won’t get into it too much and it would probably be very complicated, but other worlds. Are people still coming in? Do some want to leave? Is it easy to travel between them--provided you know how? *whispers* can Nesta do this?

37..... I don’t know. I will add more if I can think of any, because I probably can. Honestly this was like therapy and made me feel so much better than any of SJM’s lives about the future of this series.

38. ADD YOUR OWN; unless I wrote almost everything. But doubtful!

[devaneiosinfinitos]

My thoughts on ACOSF

!!!!MAJOR SPOILERS!!!!

I was really looking forward to this book and Nesta and Cassian’s story and I really wanted to love it, but it fell really short. If I were to define ACOSF, I'd say: Wasted potential.

After finishing it and rereading some parts, my conclusion is: there are some pretty cool scenes, but that's not reflected in the rest of the book. I was disappointed and frustrated with several things. I was angry with others and found that many points in the plot were not really developed.

Here are some things that really bothered me (and this will be long):

ENDING RUSHED

I thought the ending was rushed. There were many things happening at the same time and none of them got a proper conclusion. For example, the Blood Rite and the birth. At one point we’re reading about the Blood Rite and how Nesta was fighting the other Illyrians so Emerie and Gwyn could win. Then, Queen Briallyn and Cass arrive, Nesta destroys her and gets the crown and then Azriel and Mor arrive and take them to Feyre. And that’s it. All that build-up for what? For a few paragraphs of Nesta meeting Gwyn and Emerie after the birth and briefly discussing it. And then of Nesta reminiscing of when she told Cass and Az the details of it and they pointed out what needed to be corrected. SERIOUSLY? The birth scene totally took the focus out of Nesta’s at Ramiel and the end of the Blood Rite and the AMAZING victory of Gwyn and Emerie and how well they did on the rite. There were chapters and chapters building up to the conclusion of the Blood Rite and what could come of it and then it was just over. So anticlimactic. Why spend so much time on it and then not even having one character acknowledging how incredible they were? That not only they survived it but Emerie and Gwyn won it and Nesta got so far and pulled an Enalius at the end? So few Illyrians have ever gotten that far and it has always felt like such a great accomplishment that Cass, Az and Rhys completed it, and then here we have women kicking the ass out of the challenge which has been unheard of and we don’t even get Cassian saying how proud he was? There was a lot missing at the end of that narrative. I wanted Cass, Az, and Rhys making a big deal out of their accomplishment. I wanted the Illyrians reactions about their victory and performance and what that could mean moving forward. I wanted more of how Emerie and Gwyn felt winning it and what it meant for them and Nesta to have accomplished that together. What a waste. 

Not to mention, how rushed the entire thing with Briallyn and the crown was. One moment Nesta is destroying her and there lies the crown. And then, there’s Nesta using all three artefacts to stop time and help Feyre. They didn’t even discuss the fact that Briallyn was gone and that now they had the 3 artefacts. I mean, some people in that room didn’t even get to see the crown (Did they even know they managed to get it in the Blood rite?), let alone discuss the significance of it. One of the main plots of the book was the search for the trove, and then when they have all 3 artefacts, that’s just completely brushed over. Again, SERIOUSLY? All these plots and none with a development/conclusion to match the build up.

NESTA’S POWERS

I don’t even know where to start with this one. Every time I remember that Nesta gave up her powers I get pissed all over again.

Nesta’s powers have been hyped up for a long time. A LONG TIME. Now, we finally have her book where we delve into her journey and where her powers are supposed to be fully explored and WE NEVER GET THAT. Thank you for nothing, Sarah. Her powers are not even fully explored and then she gives them up. We never really get to fully understand her powers and get to see her really using them. THERE WAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL. I wanted to see her wreak havoc and fully embrace her powers and become one of the most powerful and deadly characters in Prythian. I wanted to see more of her being in control of her abilities and being her badass self taking a hoard of bad guys out. I wanted to understand the extension of her powers. But nope, just as she’s starting to learn about them, she loses them. SO ANTI-CLIMATIC (it doesn’t matter that apparently there’s a bit left, that’s not the point). When she was engulfed in silver fire in her room and Rhys came running? That’s what I wanted to read about. Nesta never really used her silver flames and we never got to really understand what they meant. Ok, they were cold rather than hot. WHAT ELSE? Why is the book even called A Court of Silver Flames? Isn’t that supposed to indicate that said silver flames will be significant? The most significant thing about them other than the bedroom scene are the silver flames that appear in her eyes, and that was not even fully developed either. Is it only when she’s about to lose control? Or angry? Or emotional? When the silver flames appear in her eyes it’s always highlighted that “nothing Fae looks through them” (this was pointed out more than once) and Cass even says at one point that that’s the being the Bone Carver whispered about and exalted and feared. We had the Bone Carver, a creature of thousands of years, calling Nesta a queen and saying she was as "ancient as the sea" and we have Lucien saying that maybe some things should not be awoken and "mother spare you all" when he sees Nesta training and I feel like all that foreshadowing never really came to fruition. LOOK AT ALL THIS BUILD UP. 

Nesta’s been hyped up as this powerful Death Queen or as this being with great powers and the culmination of her journey in this book resulted in her giving it all up to save Feyre, Rhys and the baby. Rhys, that up until that point hadn’t really done anything that made him worthy of her calling him brother. Since Sarah came up with this death in childbirth plot (I could’ve gone without this one, seriously), yay for Nesta saving them because it’s not like I wanted them to die (I hope they learnt the lesson with that stupid bargain though). But this entire plot could’ve been addressed differently. AND BETTER. In the end, it undermined Nesta's powers narrative. Why build this plot up so much and include so many things that could be considered foreshadowing if you’re not going to fully develop it in the character’s main book?

IC’S BULLSHIT

Ever since ACOFAS, I was waiting for someone (preferably Nesta) to call the IC on their bullshit and their self-righteous hypocrisy. But it never happened. We had that God awful intervention scene and Mor saying bad things and Amren being gratuitously cruel and Rhys insulting Nesta and Feyre taking her freedom away and none of that is ever addressed again. Ok, I get they were trying to help her with their intervention, but they could have approached that very differently and much better. I felt really bad reading that, and they all got away easily with their behaviour towards her. Sometimes it felt like they were kicking a dog who was already down. Especially Amren. She called Nesta a waste of life and Nesta bloody knelt to apologise to her, holy shit, I can’t get over that. And Amren never apologised. I feel like there was a lot of apologising coming from Nesta, but not enough coming from others. The IC were disrespectful towards her many times (and not only in this book), and that’s it. All swept under the rug. 

Later on in the book, Rhys says that Nesta always has a choice at the Night Court. REALLY, RHYS? Are you not tired of contradicting yourself? Because it sure as hell didn’t feel like she did. They even try to use Elain as a way to manipulate Nesta to do what they want. Not to mention that it feels as they are really pressuring Nesta to get better soon and fast (with the exception of Cass, who says she can take however long she wants), but the IC should look at themselves. Mor and Az are still dealing with their traumas after hundreds of years. Cass himself says that it took him years to get over what happened to his mom and what he did (and he still deals with the fact that he often feels inferior for being a bastard). And they want Nesta to be a happy healthy version of herself so soon? Please. I think a scene where their behaviour is addressed would’ve felt earned. I’m pissed that we didn’t get that. And that Nesta didn’t get that. And that because the IC are never called out on their often toxic behaviour (it happens towards Lucien as well), they don’t learn. 

Also, Rhys and the rest of the IC hiding from Feyre what it meant that the baby had wings was a really infuriating move. So so wrong. That type of thing should not be hidden from the person carrying the baby. It’s her life and her body. To be honest, I didn’t like how the pregnancy plot was written at all. I was already expecting that Feyre would get pregnant, but I hoped it would be later in the series for a myriad of reasons. The way it was done here didn’t really work for me, and I think many things didn’t make any sense such as how the birth would (or wouldn’t) work. I mean, Cassian had his guts hanging out of his stomach and lived, but a C-section is not possible? Come on.

RELATIONSHIPS

I think that by the end of the book there were some key things missing in some of the relationships. For example, the relationship between the sisters. It all appears well in the last scene, but I missed a scene where all three of them ACTUALLY talked and discussed things - their relationship and their parents and their past. You know, a decent conversation where they could explain things and ask for forgiveness or also say thank you where it was due.

I also would’ve really liked if Cassian had said “I love you” to Nesta. I don’t doubt his love for her and I know he has loved her for a long time and he has shown that love with attitudes on several occasions, but I think with Nesta, who had never really said “I love you” to anyone (she said it to Feyre for the 1st time in the birth scene), it would’ve meant something to her to hear those words, especially after thinking so little of herself for so long and not feeling worthy of affection and thinking everyone hated her. I think it would’ve felt nice to close that part of her journey with him saying it as well. Also, I kind of missed soft/tender moments between Nessian thoroughout the book. Yeah, they have an angsty relationship and Nesta was in a healing journey and the smut was great, but I think there could’ve been more sweet moments in the middle, you know? Because they only truly recognise the bond at the end, so the fluffiness is mostly focused in the last pages, and I wanted a bit more of that here and there. Not a lot that would change the dynamics of the relationship, but just a bit more that would balance the smut and angst a bit and make me sigh. Sometimes I thought there were too much smut and angst and not enough relationship growth through conversation and softness.

HIGH KING 

I really dislike the High King idea and I have a feeling that’s exactly what Sarah might do. Not long ago, the IC was shitting on Vallahan for wanting to conquer other territories and then there’s Amren saying Rhys should become High King and rule over the entirety of Prythian. Where did that even come from? That entire conversation and everything Amren said was just mindboggling. Not to mention that according to what she said, Rhys would become High King using the weapons that Nesta created. Same weapons that Amren said nobody should use (but it’s ok if it’s Rhys, right? *Eye roll*) and that no one should tell Nesta she could create. Not to mention that the entire idea of all the courts submitting to one ruler/court (in this case, to Rhys) sounds very imperialistic. They should all be aiming to coexist peacefully and harmonically and find ways to work towards that, not using this High King idea as a solution.

Plus, Rhys cannot even unite all of his own court (There’s rebellion building with the Illyrians, there’s the Court of Nightmares and all the problems there…), and Amren wants him to rule over Prythian? Also, something about the Court of Nightmares that I often wonder about. Is Mor the only decent person to be born there? Because I have a hard time believing that there is not another single decent soul in that place. Maybe someone that dreams of going to Velaris and escaping the Court of Nightmares but that just finds themselves trapped there because it’s not like Rhys and the IC give anybody a chance to get away. Do they even look for people that might be suffering there without deserving to? I mean, Mor came from there. Don’t they think there might be others? Even with the agreement they have with Keir in ACOWAR, it’s not like they are open to the idea. And it’s completely fine to want to protect Velaris from the evil and cruelty that exists in the Court of Nightmares, but again, that shouldn’t mean they shouldn’t even contemplate the chance that there might be people there worth of being in Velaris. That doesn’t earn Rhys any points towards the High King thing.

Moreover, that stupid bargain Rhys and Feyre made also doesn’t get him any points. Since learning the baby had wings, Rhys knew the chances of Feyre dying were very high. If she died, he’d die as well. You’d think a responsible ruler would make plans in case that really happened. You know, like talking to the IC and making plans about their next moves and discussing how they should proceed and just analysing the options after his and Feyre’s powers go to who knows who (If it went to Keir… Shouldn’t they prepare for that?). I mean, imagine the chaos that would ensue should Rhys and Feyre die, and it’s never even addressed that Rhys is considering these things. He didn’t even tell Amren, his second in command. Honestly, what a mess. I’m glad Rhys was categorically against it and that it doesn’t seem like he wants that, but it sounds just like Sarah to come up with a plot that the High King title would just fall on Rhys’s lap or be the only way out of a situation and that by becoming High King he’d be saving Prythian of something worse. I’m rolling my eyes just thinking about it.

So… These are just some of the things that bothered me. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t nice things in the book. Like I said in the beginning, there are some cool scenes and specific things that I really liked (such as Nesta, Gwyn and Emerie’s friendship, for example. They are just wonderful. And Nesta and the House of Wind. And Nesta and Azriel (I wanted more of this relationship). And Cassian’s support. And the Valkyries inspiration), but the book in itself? More potential than any other thing. It was a let down.

[shadowhunterssizzy]

One last thing

I’m going to take a much needed break after this because i’m not sure i’m gonna continue on with the series. I’m running on 4 hours of sleep so probably my thoughts are incoherent and don’t make sense, so bare with me. 

I’m not gonna lie, the Azriel POV felt like a blow and a slap to the face all at once. I kept rereading it because i love pain and I felt mora towards Gwyn than elriel, and this comes from someone that has been shipping elriel since acomaf. I love them. I truly do. I wanted to explore the mating bond not working, the choosing someone over your mate, but azriel’s pov didn’t give me anything like that. It just reforced the fears I had once I knew about gwyn some days before. Now I’m sure Gwyn is great. I’m sure she will be great with Azriel. Sarah loves to explore healing dynamics and i think azriel and gwyn fits that. A victim of assault healing and a guy who has been in love for 500 years and obsessed with another girl he can’t have but finally finding love and healing as well. And this is where my thoughts starts to ramble again:

1. Why didn’t we get elain’s pov?. In the previous book we got Nesta’s but in this one we get Azriel’s , why?. Why not make the sister POV and see her struggles with the mating bond and her attractions towars azriel?. Well, in my eyes it’s because the next book is not about her

2. The 3some situation. Let’s be honest. We all knew it will be a threesome but this isn’t even one. Now we have a mating bond and gwyn. All of this in one book. Tamlin, rhysand and rhys conflict was resolved in two, not in one, and sarah said that each book will focus ON ONE COUPLE. Not two potentials couples. ONE COUPLE EACH. This has been stated by Sarah on her lives, so pardon me but I’m not seeing this going anywhere.

3. Gwyn and Azriel: We know that Az saved her. It’s clear that meant something to Gwyn and he was amused by her. Now people said Gwyn’s arc is completed but is it?. IT’S NOT. Gwyn is not a Valkirie yet and Nesta states that Az and Cassian will still train them and keep an eye on them. Gwyn goes back to the library but her story is nowhere to be completed. The valkyrie training and their dynamic to fight Koschei is still there. Her story might be almost completed but there’s something else to tell. She will still train and Az will monitor. The link is there. Meanwhile we don’t know much about Elain. Like we know Koschei wants her but it doesn’t seem like that’s the next plot, it seems most likely the last one

4. Azriel is horny: When i read his interactions with elain i was like ok.... they had an attraction but is there anything else?. Sure, we got crumbs for 3 books but Nesrin and Chaol did and look where they end up with. Chaol with Yrene a character that was introduced later even though he had a story with Nesrin. Now azriel seems to be angry at the cauldron for not pairing him with elain but is it really about her? Or is it because he wanted a mate so badly after spending 500 years with Mor?. Is it because his brothers found mates and he was like what about me?. Maybe this is exactly what sarah was trying to told us all the time. 3 Ylirians with the 3 sisters its not okay. Azriel questions the mother, and maybe that’s the conflict. He wants a mate so badly and someone who will love him and he will lust and be attracted to complicated but what happens when he will find something different?. Something that is healing and it’s there and he never expected?. Maybe the cauldron and the mother didn’t link him to elain because it wasn’t mean to happen. 

5. but..what about elain?. A lot of people said she’s been avoiding lucien and it’s right. We don’t know how she feels towards him really, mostly indiference and I hate the idea of her being forced into something. But we forget lucien and elain’s story is not finished and there’s a TRUE mating bond there plus Gwyn. It’s too much... Maybe elain needed to pursue someone else before realizing the world and the cauldron gave her a mate because that’s how it works. Maybe both elain and azriel needed to find each other to realize what really was there for them. Gwyn and Lucien. Now i don’t like the idea of neither of them and I won’t be reading that for sure. Bceuase 3 books of crumbs and little built up and a chapter of azriel confirming he is into elain just to be taken away after 5 minutes to pursue the gwyn narrative feels LIKE A SLAP INTO MY FACE. It feels as if sarah is saying well you know what you were right for 5 minutes but YOUR TIME IS UP, DING DONG DING WAKE UP!. It feels like she wanted a quick solution for the crumbs and she was like sure, they want to fuck but you know what they can’t because elain is with lucien and the mating bond will show her eventually and now az has someone who will make him realize elain and mor were nothing so let’s continue because elriel is over. You got your 5 minutes now let’s go back to the mating bond

6. Gwyn. Sarah has always stated her books are about healing and a personal journey. Gwyn is a victim of sexual assault and azriel saved her. By the end of the book azriel looks..happy. He seems comfortable with Gwyn. Eased. His shadows sing, he is a singer and so is she. He can imagine her face while getting that necklace and HE IS TREASURING THAT THOUGHT. He has hope again because gwyn is there and he can see her gleaming eyes and theres a true beauty there... Now we can agree it’s shitty what he did with the neclace but was he that moved about the fact that elain gave back the neclakce? He didn’t look that bothered. And it’s clear there’s a seed for gwyn and elain and it’s a strong one otherwise he wouldn’t have smiled thinking about her or end the chapter thinking about her face or slept perfectly. 

7. Going back to the mating thing. Rhys said that usually males will go crazy and females can’t be completely unaffected. There’s a story with Kodschei, Vassa and elain seems like the key. Maybe they will need elain to fight Koschei in the end and elain will be willing to go with lucien since azriel hurted her. Maybe realizing az is not there will finally allow her to open her eyes and at least try. Let’s be honest, elain was not fond of meeting lucien but maybe it was because she felt like she had no choice. Maybe in the end azriel it’s just the push for her to finally try to give lucien a try. Without azriel elain probably wouldn’t have talk to lucien. But if she is hurt maybe she will try to give lucien a chance and azriel and her will part ways. Maybe az and elain are just the push they needed to move on.

8. I know there are crumbs. I know he is protective of elain and he cares about her. But honestly in his POV it doesn’t look like it. It’s just look like a 5 year old kid who was pissed at the cauldron. And let’s be honest all his brothers has mates, az will find one, specially since sarah said she is excited to give him a story. I believe az and elain are the nesryn /chaol/yrene of all this. Sarah loves love triangles but usually they always end up with the later: aelin with rowan, dorian with manon, chaol with yrene.... usually the first one it’s never the option. Chaol had development with celaena. There was attraction but in the end neither of them were together. Feyre had a relationship with tamlin. They were in love and yet she needed time to realize rhys was the one. It took her some time to heal and yet she find her mate. This is the exact same thing. Crumbs for elriel but at the end there’s someone else, and the mother is there. Maybe that’s why the cauldron didn’t connect them. Because there was someone else

9. But..the mating bond rejection?. Rhys forgot about that one. There’s a trial. There is no way lucien is going to die and there’s no way azriel is gonna challenge him with a war coming. That would be too messy and we would need lucien present to see everything. Lucien will have to go back, see azriel and elain, accepted it and fight or not Az. is all of this going to happen in one book?. Withour gwyn maybe but gwyn is there.

10. How is elain feeling?. I haven’t forgotten about her. I’m surprised we didn’t get her POV and we got azriel’s. She gave the neclace back and she is avoiding him at all costs. We don’t know what is going through her mind and she is alone now. Her sisters are happy. Azriel seems happy with gwyn. She is alone with a mating bond and koschei after her and nesta. I don’t know how she is feeling and honestly i believe elain and az deserved better. Deserved better that this poorly written narrative where they lust after each other, give gifts to each other just to end up separated and azriel having other woman, his shadows singing and him treasuring the image of her and the blossomed beauty. A secret, treasured beauty. That’s about gwyn. And i think in the end sarah j maas got what she wanted. The mating bonds all in place at the expense of elriel. I know there’s a chance I’m wrong. But it feels like elriel was there for a minute and then it was crashed. The pov is not about elriel It’s about azriel finding someone else and having another crush. It’s about rejection and healing again. It’ about az being pissed at the cauldron for not getting a mate but maybe not realizing the true one is out there. It’s all about elriel being attracted to each other but for what?.

I’m sure i’m missing a lot of stuff. I’m sure gwyn is great and lovely and her story with az will be epic. I’m sure the mating bonds work and elucien will be great in the future. But it’s the same thing over and over again and i’m tired of couples being hinted just to be the realization of other couples being the true endgame. And elriel feels like a temporary thing sarah wrote.

Now i know i sound like a hater or someone who doesn’t like elriel. But it’s quite the opposite. I loved them for years. I knew they had all the odds against them, just like chaol and celaena did. I know they found great lovers. But i can’t help feeling like losing because nothing about his POV seems right and i’m failing to forget the last part of that chapter and az’s feelings towards gwyn. And i think deep down i truly lost with them

[nesta-stan]

Feyre signaling Nesta that she doesn’t want her apart of her life than she is mad when Nesta doesn’t want to be apart of her life

I feel like a lot of people don’t really try to understand Nesta’s perception of certain situations and her rational. WE know that Feyre loves and wants to spend time with her sister but Feyre doesn’t realize the signals she has given to nesta that say otherwise. Here I am going through how Nesta perceives things and her rational. If you just want to know my main points you can skip to the conclusion. I also put in a theory on how their relationship could evolve in the next book. 

I will start with a quote from the first book.

“I thought all you wanted was for us to get out of the house-to marry off me and Elain so you can have enough time to paint your glorious masterpieces.” -Nesta

I use this quote because its from Nesta so we get some insights on what her perception of the situation is which is that Feyre doesn’t actually want her around which Feyre confirms.

“Believe me, the day you want to marry someone worthy, I’ll march up to his house and hand you over.” -Feyre

Feyre never rescinded these comments and by the way Nesta talks about it seemed like it had been common knowledge to her for awhile. Feyre’s pushy behavior in trying to get her sister’s to hook up with Cassian and Lucien, to Nesta, because of this could be interpreted as Feyre trying to get rid of her instead of Feyre wanting them to find the same happiness she found with her mate. I think that all of people forget that in the cabin Feyre didn’t have the caring and compassionate attitude towards her sisters she does now. She loved them and cared for them but not emotionally. Feyre even says

 “Some days, I couldn’t tell which of us was the most wretched and bitter” 

Which shows that Feyre already had a pattern of aggression toward her sister as well. Maybe now it is different, but they had a pre-established dynamic that wasn’t just one sided. The story is just told through Feyre’s pov so we just know about how Nesta’s words hurt Feyre’s feelings not the other way around. 

One thing that got me upset when I first read Acomaf was the regression of Feyre and Nesta’s relationship. By the end of Acotar not only had Nesta gone to the border to look for her sister but they seemed to deepen their bond by having open conversation and engaging in recreational activities together like Feyre teaching Nesta how to paint but when we get to acomaf Nesta is back to being her bitter self. 

Then I realized, there are 8 MONTHS in between when feyre left and returned to see Nesta again. EIGHT MONTHS without a letter or a visit. Granted three of those were when she was stuck with Amerantha but during this time Nesta doesn’t know about that. Plus, that still leaves 6 MONTHS unaccounted for. When Feyre does come back it’s not to connect with her sisters, check up on them, see how they are doing, or even tell them what she has been doing. She only comes back to ask a favor of them. WE know through Feyre’s Pov that her about her depression and her reasonings for not contacting them but Nesta doesn’t. Knowing that Feyre vocally confirmed to Nesta at one point that she didn’t want her in her life it is fair to assume that Nesta thought that was the reason she didn’t try to contact her for HALF A YEAR because Feyre hasn’t really given her clues to believe otherwise. Considering this time gap Nesta’s revitalized bitterness towards her makes sense. 

Some people called Nesta a hypocrite when she was hurt by her lack of presence in Feyre’s house in acofas but in reality Nesta would not have been back in Feyre’s life if it wasn’t for the cauldron. 

When Feyre goes to ask why Nesta didn’t come to dinner she says 

“Elain wanted you there.” I wanted you there. Nesta shrugged. “She could have eaten with me here.” “You know Elain wouldn’t feel comfortable in a place like this.”

She never verbally expresses her desire to actually have a relationship with nesta. Nesta is even bating her to say it with her comment about Elain but instead of just telling her ‘I want you to be apart this with us’ it passes straight over Feyre’s head. 

“What will it take for you to come?” “For Elains sake or yours?” “Both” Another snort... “So you’re bribing me then?” I didn’t flinch. “I’m seeing if you are willing to be reasoned with. If there is a way to make it worth your while.”... “It’s not even our holiday. We don’t have holidays.”...”As I told Elain: you have your live lives, and I have mine.” Again, I cast a pointed glance to the tavern. “Why? WHy this instance on distancing yourself?” She settled back in her seat crossing her arms. “Why do I have to be a part of your merry little band?” “Because you’re my sister.”

-Acofas 116-118 (feel free to say if you feel like I cut out something important)

What Nesta is trying to establish is here is a boundary between her sisters and the inner circle. Personally, I understand this. Me and my own sister are only a year apart, we are close but we have no where near the same friend group and we both have friends from spanning back to elementary school. Which is why I find it so odd that Feyre almost demands that Feyre be a part of her group because she is her sister. Feyre pushes Nesta decide on whether she wants to stay alone or be a part of a group of people who for the most part don’t like her. Whether you think they are justified in disliking Nesta doesn’t change the fact that is what the situation is. In the excerpt at the end where it is stated

“so many of them portraits and depictions of them- her friends, her new family”

Again with the separation with the inner circle and Nesta. Nesta sees herself as being a part of Feyre’s old family. Which is suggestive that she feels discarded. Feyre gets upset that Nesta never wants to take the time to visit her but then she never takes the time to visit Nesta. Feyre uses the excuse that she doesn’t like hanging around Nesta’s favorite places to spend time but then never considers that nesta doesn’t like to spend time at her places. 

“She could barely stand to hear the crack and pop of the wood. Had barely been able to endure it in Feyre’s town house”

“Feyre told her during her first and only tour two months ago. She’d been half drunk at the time, and hated every second of it, every perfect happy room.”

The thing is, Feyre’s two homes are her safe spaces. Spaces for her and her family. She sees how open the rest of the inner circle sees them as second homes and expects it to be the same for Nesta but it isn’t and she doesn’t realize that. The inner circle finds Nesta’s apartment distasteful and just refuse to wrap their heads around why she would want to stay there but for her, I am going to let the quote say it

“This was her place. No servants, no eyes monitoring and judging every move, no company”

It honestly makes me sad that they refuse to recognize Nesta’s apartment as her safe space and are taking it away from her like its nothing.

Now let’s talk about Rhysand. This plays into the divide between the inner circle and Nesta. This is a quote from earlier in the tavern scene

“Is that mate of yours going to stand in the cold all night? I blinked, wondering if she’d somehow sensed the thoughts between us. “Who says he’s here?” Nesta snorted. “Where one goes, the other fallows.”

and now here is a quote from the excerpt.

They were pity offerings, some attempt to get her to be a part of their life, to be gainfully occupied. Done not because Rhysand particularly like her- and their conversations were coldly civil at best. 

 Here we can see that Nesta has no desire to have any type of save face friendship with Rhysand but Feyre practically forces them onto each other. With the former quote above this one it can be assumed that Feyre hasn’t taken the time to have a conversation without Rhysand. Hell, the one they did have alone in Acofas was being live broadcasted to him and Nesta knew it. It makes sense she would be uncomfortable talking to her sister openly if she knows all their conversations are either being spied on or relayed to someone who she knows dislikes her. Again. whether you think he is justified doesn’t change the fact that he dislikes her. This is about Nesta’s perception. 

Conclusion

Nesta and Feyre both have somewhat of a desire to have a relationship with each other but through Nesta’s perspective we see that Feyre has a history of discarding or trying to discard Nesta from her life and any attempts feyre makes to build a relationship with her can only be done on the condition that Nesta join a group of people who do not like her, borderline hate her, and that she can never meet Feyre on her own ground. Nesta must always tolerate the uncomfortable atmosphere she finds in Feyre’s safe space without ever expecting Feyre to inturn do the same. This is why she has in turn chosen to simply isolate herself from the situation. It is not because she doesn’t want to be a member of Feyre’s family, but that to do that Feyre has unintentionally made it so to be apart of her family Nesta in turn would have to be a part of Cassian’s, Amren’s, Mor’s, Azriel’s, and Rhysand’s family too. Plus, Feyre has been shown to be unreliable and illusive in her desire to have a relationship with Feyre. 

I believe that these two sister do have the potential of building a close bond but Feyre needs to work on building boundaries between her relationship between the inner circle and her relationship with Nesta. Feyre doesn’t have to choose one or the other. She just needs to learn how to make time for both separately. She also needs to be consistent and open with her sister. Feyre needs to be open and honest with Nesta about her feeling and about how hurt she was. 

I am not saying that Nesta doesn’t have her flaws or that she won’t equally have to put in the work to mend their relationship but implying that through Feyre contributes the current state of their relationship just as much.

Theory about Nesta and Feyra in the next book 

I can’t say for certain if this will happen but I recently saw a post saying how the next book might be a Snow Queen retelling. I reblogged it and responded with the different possibilities that opens with the next novel.  If you don’t know the story Kay (pronounced Kai) and Gerda are best childhood friends. At first I thought Nesta would get the role of Kay and Cassian the role of Gerda because it’s there love story but after looking over it I believe the role of Gerda will be split between all the people who love Nesta and want to save her from herself. Especially because frozen is about to sisters and that is based of the Snow queen as well. I also see SJM taking elements from the 2002 movie. The orginal story goes, when Kay is hit with the broken pieces from a cursed mirror in eyes and heart over the course of a year he becomes cold and cruel to his childhood friend. After an adventure to find him after he is kidnapped, Gerda looking almost dead. She fixes him by melting away the shards of glass in his heart with her tears. When they arrive home at last they realize that on the course of their journey they have grown from children to adults. Here are some quotes from that story that could relate to Nesta and her relationship with Feyre.

people said, “That boy will be very clever; he has a remarkable genius.” But it was the piece of glass in his eye, and the coldness in his heart, that made him act like this. He would even tease little Gerda, who loved him with all her heart.

Little Kay was quite blue with cold, indeed almost black, but he did not feel it; for the Snow Queen had kissed away the icy shiverings, and his heart was already a lump of ice. He dragged some sharp, flat pieces of ice to and fro, and placed them together in all kinds of positions, as if he wished to make something out of them; just as we try to form various figures with little tablets of wood which we call “a Chinese puzzle.” Kay’s fingers were very artistic; it was the icy game of reason at which he played, and in his eyes the figures were very remarkable, and of the highest importance; this opinion was owing to the piece of glass still sticking in his eye. He composed many complete figures, forming different words, but there was one word he never could manage to form, although he wished it very much. It was the word “Eternity.” The Snow Queen had said to him, “When you can find out this, you shall be your own master, and I will give you the whole world and a new pair of skates.” But he could not accomplish it.

Then little Gerda wept hot tears, which fell on his breast, and penetrated into his heart, and thawed the lump of ice, and washed away the little piece of glass which had stuck there. 

Then Kay burst into tears, and he wept so that the splinter of glass swam out of his eye. Then he recognized Gerda, and said, joyfully, “Gerda, dear little Gerda, where have you been all this time, and where have I been?” And he looked all around him, and said, “How cold it is, and how large and empty it all looks,” and he clung to Gerda, and she laughed and wept for joy. It was so pleasing to see them that the pieces of ice even danced about; and when they were tired and went to lie down, they formed themselves into the letters of the word which the Snow Queen had said he must find out before he could be his own master, and have the whole world and a pair of new skates. Then Gerda kissed his cheeks, and they became blooming; and she kissed his eyes, and they shone like her own; she kissed his hands and his feet, and then he became quite healthy and cheerful.

I don’t think the next book will be as literal is this but I do hope Feyre is going to truly open up to Nesta about all her feeling and about how much she truly cares for her sister and she will “Melt her heart of ice”. 

I have a lot more theories about how the snow queen stories will play into Nesta’s story in the next book but here are just my thoughts about Nesta and Feyre’s relationship. 

[emdythewriter]

A new light | chapter twelve (Elriel)

Elain was giddy as she walked out of the office that day. Ready for the weekend and to get away from Vivianne’s nagging. She knew exactly the reason for Elain’s smile that day and Vivianne wasn’t going to let up until she spilled all her secrets.

“It’s about fucking time!” Elain’s friend had shouted, causing eyes to turn in their directions and bringing a bright red color to her cheeks. “He was good right? Please tell me he was good otherwise I will be very disappointed,” Vivianne continued not even caring all that much that she had embarrassed her friend.

“He was very good,” Elain said quietly, ducking her head, eyes trained on her lap as her face heated even more. Any hotter and she was likely to explode the whole building along with herself.

“Thank god you both finally pulled your heads out of your asses,” Vivianne said with no remorse.

“Hey!” Elain shouted, eyes blinking up to her smiling and giddy friend.

“Sorry, but it’s true,” Vivianne said and Elain knew that it was true. Her and Az had spent too long going in circles and never catching each other. It felt good to finally be able to catch her breath. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Thank you,” Elain said and pulled her friend into a tight hug. She hugged her until they were on the verge of being yelled at for not doing their jobs. Elain could see her boss giving them the stink eye through the glass of her office.

Elain smiled at the memory as she waited for Azriel on the corner. It was busy, the streets crowded as people rushed out of the office and to the closest restaurant for take out. A few people moved out of her way and as soon as they did she met a pair of the most beautiful hazel eyes she had ever seen.

Azriel smiled as he crossed the street and made his way to Elain. Grabbing her waist he pulled her into his chest and kissed, a kiss that they both had been deprived of for years. “I’ve been waiting to do that all day,” he whispered against her lips once he pulled back.

“I missed you too,” Elain said, smoothing a crease in his shirt just for the excuse to casually run her hands over his chest.

“Ready to go home?” Azriel asked, grabbing her hand. Elain nodded, wrapping her another hand around his arm as they began their trek back to their apartment complex.

___

After going to Elain’s apartment so she could grab what she needed for the weekend, and maybe having sex a couple times on her couch, they made their way to Az’s place. As she settled herself into his room and bathroom he began to pull out things for dinner.

Elain liked to eat right after work so he made sure there was also a bag of chips out for her to snack on while he cooked. Azriel figured tonight would just be a simple night. He grabbed out the ingredients he needed to make an asian dish Feyre had taught him to make after she made it on a night he came over for dinner.

“What are you making,” Elain asked as she came out of the bathroom wearing a pair of sweats and a Third Eye Blind shirt that belonged to him. Az smiled, seeing her in his clothes just made him want to hoist her onto the counter and pull off said clothes. Elain went straight for the bag of chips, placing herself on a barstool at the island while she watched him.

“Egg roll in a bowl,” Az said as he reluctantly pulled his eyes from hers and back to the ground beef he was cooking. The recipe was simply a bag of lettuce from the grocery store, ground beef, and some seasonings.

“Perfect,” Elain said in between munching on chips.

“You want to pick a movie while I cook?” Az asked, looking over his shoulder to see her. She was taking the clasp out of her hair so she could pull it into a messy bun. Az watched her until almost every strand was off her neck, it wouldn’t stay up too much longer if he had any say about it.

“Sure,” she said, taking her bag of chips with her as she went to the living room. Elain turned on the TV and started scrolling through Netflix. “How do you feel about docuseries?” She asked, looking over at him from the couch.

“They’re fine I guess,” Az said as he poured the beef into the lettuce mixture and started adding the seasoning before mixing it all together. “Why? Did you find one you want to watch?”

“Nesta mentioned that she and Cassian started watching this show called Tiger King last night,” Elain said. She was sitting on her knees, arms crossed over the back of the couch as she leaned her head on them.

“Isn’t that show supposed to be crazy or something?” Az had heard Cassian mention it earlier when they all had sat down in Rhys’s office for lunch today.

“Yeah and my curiosity is getting the better of me,” Elain said as her brown eyes pleaded with him.

“Then that’s fine with me,” he watched as she smiled brightly, turning to face the TV once more. He loved that he could make her smile like that, it made him smile more than he had in a very long time and it was only ever around her that he did. Even when they were seeing other people Elain Archeron always managed to bring out his true smile.

Az scooped out their servings after turning off the stove. Grabbing two bottles of water from the fridge and tucking them under his arm he made his way to the living room.

“Thank you,” Elain said as she took the bowl he handed to her along with the water. Az sat down next to her and she scooted closer so she could be tucked into his side. Once they were settled Elain started the first episode of the show.

Azriel didn’t expect them to actually pay attention to the documentary but next thing he knew they were three episodes in and about to start the fourth at ten o’ clock at night. “Is it just me or is this a show where you can’t not know what happens next?” Elain asked from his lap where she had laid her head after finishing her dinner.

“Oh it is a hundred percent one of those shows,” Azriel said and Elain chuckled.

“Onto the next?” She asked though he suspected she already knew his answer. They both found themselves sucked into the mayhem that is Tiger King from the very first second of the show.

“Babe we’re not starting until we finish it,” Az answered her.

“Then you better make some popcorn,” Elain responded. He hopped up from the couch, moving her head out of the way first.

“As you wish,” he said, quoting one of her favorite movies. It was the only quote he knew if he was being honest because it was his least favorite movie. Elain chuckled as he headed for the kitchen, taking their dirty bowls from dinner with him.

He grabbed a bag of kettle corn to put into the microwave before going on a search for a fresh bowl.

“What do you think about me moving in?” Elain asked out of nowhere. Azriel knocked his head on the top of the cupboard as he tried to shoot up in surprise. “Are you okay?” His girlfriend asked as he rubbed his head.

“I’m good,” he said, only wincing slightly at the pain. “But are you serious?” Az asked, looking at her wary face.

“I mean we both know that I’ll be here more than my own place after this weekend so why not go ahead and do it,” she shrugged as if this topic wasn’t a big deal. 

Azriel set his bowl on the counter before coming back to the couch and sitting next to her. He grasped Elain’s hands and looked into her brown eyes, his favorite feature of hers. “You want to move in with me?”

“Yes,” she said without pause but her face fell as she asked her next question. “Do you not want me to?”

“Of course I want you to,” Azriel assured her. “I don’t want to spend any more time apart from you. We’ve done enough of that for a lifetime.”

“Then it looks like you have a new roommate,” Elain said with a smile, jumping into his lap. Azriel laughed, more happy than he ever thought he could be after finally winning her heart. She pressed him to the couch kissing him. He smiled into the kiss cupping the back of her head and exploring her mouth.

“I love you,” she whispered onto his lips.

“I love you,” Azriel answered and kissed her again. Their show was long forgotten as they became a tangle of limbs and happiness on that couch in the apartment that would soon be theirs rather than just his.

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[elriell]

Chapter Two—  

[Chapter 1]

In The Absence of Light

Restless sleep continued to plague her the following nights, just as she had feared the cold spikes of anxiety that crippled her mind refused to ease up their battle for control.

Azriel never mentioned their tense early morning encounter, but she could not deny that after his departure she had finally managed to succumb to a few good hours of rest, and for that she was grateful. She put it down to simply feeling calmer after seeing a friend and refused to look any further in to why that would be.  

So, when Elain saw him over breakfast, she offered him a genuine smile and accepted the muffin he silently offered her in return. She tried not to dwell on the fact that he did not in truth look as if he had been blessed with a good sleep, as she had.  

~

Several nights had passed since then and time trickled by slowly, each night she found herself staring up at the ceiling, tossing and turning among the expensive linens, unable to settle down. Vivid dreams swirled around in her head; the same thoughts as always, they appeared to be taking up permanent residency, she was less than pleased with that realization.  

Every noise poked at her subconscious, taunting her mockingly. She let out a sigh at the ridiculousness of her thoughts, as if the branches crashing in the wind could possibly be trying to ridicule her, she truly was losing it alltogether. Taking a deep breath, she gave up on her quest for sleep and slid her feet in the soft pair of slippers and set off for the kitchen, doing her best not to awake anyone on her path, though she doubted she would, everyone in this house seemed to sleep through most her terrors.  

Lost in her own scattered thoughts she barely saw him lent over, in truth he looked as though he too was in his own world. Strong powerful arms flexed over the sink as he gazed out the window in to the gardens below. The dark leathery wings hung limply behind him, he painted quite the sorrowful picture, moonlight casting down upon him.

A fallen angel, infinitely beautiful and untouchable in an heartbreaking way.  

“Trouble sleeping?” His honey voice caught her off guard, she really had to stop being surprised when it came to the shadow-singer, his instincts were sharp as the thorns that she tried to avoid when gardening.  

“Seems to be going around these days.” A soft shrug. “I was just going to make myself something warm, would you join me?”  

He turned towards her at that and it struck her as it always did how easily he concealed his emotions, as if he could carefully tuck them away in a box and forget about them. His eyes however spoke volumes, they were devastating to her mental resolve, a crack splintering straight to her heart.

“I would like that very much.”  Agreeing gently.

Elain willed herself to focus on the task at hand; warming up some milk for the both of them. She felt more than heard him shuffle amongst the kitchen retrieving mugs and placing them to her left, returning to his former place. “Thank you for the other night— No, no, no... Please don't stop me, I want to, no I need to. I haven’t gotten that much sleep-in months, so thank you.”

A small blush crept up his face much to her quiet delight, it was such a rarity to pierce his stoic exterior.

She poured them both a cup each and set out to retrieve some cookies from a jar she had baked earlier in the day, once she had set a sufficient amount on a plate, she joined Azriel at the small breakfast table at the far end of the room.

Though dark out it was a beautiful spot, the whole side of the wall was built from different shades of stained glass and under the moonlight it shone a messy pattern of colors across the cobblestone floor, it had quite easily become one of her favorite places once her nightmares began. A colorful sanctuary to be at ease.

There were so many questions on the tip of her tongue, she wondered so much about him, about his troubles, his travels, about Nesta, who she had not received any letters from since her departure though that was no surprise all things considered. She wished she could tell her she had not known of the plans, wished she could have at least said goodbye, god, she wished for so many things.

Perhaps she would ask Azriel to take her on his next visit to the mountains, she filed that away for another day.  

“I suppose the tonic didn't work then?” He inquired before dunking a cookie in to his mug.

“Ah—” Hesitating for a beat too long. “It's alright you needn't lie to me; your secrets are your own. If you do not wish to say I shall not bring it up again.”  He jumped in before she finished.

Truth. She knew without a doubt he would not push her, would accept whatever she was willing to give.  

“That is quite alright, to be honest with you Azriel, I am not sure I quite know myself.” She considered it carefully. “I think deep down, beneath every excuse, I just, well I just don’t want to be...”

“Medicated.” He finished for her.

It should not surprise her after all this time, he was always able to read her seamlessly and understand her completely even when she wasn’t sure she understood herself. He was able to deduce that she was a Seer when the rest thought she was going mad, even her own mate, scoffing internally at the word. It was a shame, she supposed, that it had nothing to do with Lucien. He was a good enough man but she simply couldn’t handle the burden that such a bond posed after the events of last year.  

“Exactly.”

He was uncharacteristically sheepish when he asked, “It’s not my place, but is something wrong? Lucien?” He stumbled over the last word as if he found it hard to roll off his tongue. Odd. Azriel rarely if ever spoke on the subject of the former spring court emissary, almost seemed to avoid it at all costs.

Upon reflection she could not think of one time through their many conversations that he had ever inquired about him if she had not started the discussion.  

It was eery some days, it was as though he could see inside her soul, study her like a well-read book.

And if she was following that analogy through then she was certainly an old nattered forgotten book that was far too damaged to be of much value... She heard Nesta’s voice as the thought formed scolding her for thinking that any book would not hold its own important value in the world.  

“No.” She replied honestly. “I am not quite sure what is fuelling my problems only that they are rather determined at keeping me from a peaceful sleep. But enough about that, let us talk about better things, happier things, tell me about your favorite places to...”

And so, they would spend several hours hunched over the table talking in hushed tones about everything and nothing at all, refilling their mugs repeatedly as time faded away and all that remained was the moments within, the coloured light streaming over them bathing them in a pool of colours steadily shifting as the sun rose, not that either noticed until household staff awoke to prepare for the day.  

And when she returned to her bedchamber, she would not care on bit that she was still on the brink of exhaustion.

~

They developed quite a habit of it unexpectedly. At one point or another in the night when her sleep or lack there of, became too much to bare, she would wander down to the kitchen where inevitably he would be sat as if waiting for her.

She tried not to be so self-absorbed as to think it was solely because of her. But after the first few times happened and it became a reoccurring pattern, warm milk always lay on the table waiting for her, always warm, almost as if he could sense when she would arrive despite it changing most nights.

It did not help her ever growing endearment to him.

~

Although she knew Azriel would eventually grow bored of this habit they had formed, perhaps conversation would become tiresome to maintain for him but she promised to enjoy his company while it lasted.

He made her happy and the small private moments she would cherish among the bland parts of her day, though it wasn’t particularly healthy for either of them as it meant neither was sleeping much.

But it was a worthy sacrifice, all considered she was not sleeping before therefore she was not losing anything, however she did feel a twinge of guilt for the shadow-singer. Hoped it would not interfere with his day-to-day activities and not put him at greater risk whilst following out orders.  

But alas all good things must come to an end and last night would mark that for them both.

He had been uncharacteristically quiet all night, simply letting her ramble on about the new plans for opening up the back garden to prepare it for new flowers and wildlife, he had simply watched her for hours with a gentle “Mmm” and “Of course” along the way, in hindsight she should have guessed something was coming.

He arose from the bench first keeping his eyes locked to the ground, and fiddling with the lapels of his jacket seemingly trying to buy time, while the silence hung heavy in the air.  

“It seems there has been some problems arising in the northern territories and Rhys has asked that I head out for a few days to ensure it is nothing more serious.” Shifting his feet back and forth still reluctant to make eye contact.

“I see.” She really didn’t. “When are you to leave?”

The grimace was noticeable on his controlled face, “An hour ago. Give or take.”

He did not give her time to respond as he leaned over her, closer than they had been to each other in some time and he smelled like the woods after a rainfall if that could be a smell at all, fresh yet masculine. The kiss he planted on her forehead was so gentle had she not had her eyes open she scarcely would have felt it.  

Her lids fell and her breathing changed, and she wondered if one could feel as if their heart both stopped and raced at the same time, she was losing all sense of reason and by the time she regained her thoughts enough to open her eyes he was gone.  

His absence hit her quickly and she had to take a deep breath to hold back the tear stinging her eye, yet again she was left to her own devices. Perhaps it for the best that she not grow too reliant on his company, though she was infinitely grateful for his friendship and companionship she did not want him to feel burdened by her.  

This would give them some much needed separation and time to rebuild her mental walls and form some boundaries for herself.

~

The first night was not as bad as she expected and she tried to be optimistic that this was a new leaf for her.

Unfortunately, as she well knew nothing lasts for long, especially something good. Not for her. By the fourth night the dark void had returned in full to cause chaos on her mind, and so chaos spread, worsening night after night.  

Elaine’s nightly visits to the kitchen had not ceased they simply became a solitary adventure and as the week reached its end, she was near desperate for the relief of her favorite companion would provide.

Having overheard Mor speaking to Feyre in the lounge she was able to confirm that he had returned to the estate sometime midday, though his meetings with his High Lord kept him out of sight much to her disappointment.

She did her best to tame the growing excitement that bubbled up when she thought about his return.

Tonight, for a change she made no attempts to sleep simply busied herself with brushing out her curls and spraying her favorite perfume, feeling silly for going to such efforts. Truthfully though she knew that beneath whatever crush she had formed it had little to do with her attachment to him, it was his companionship and friendship she coveted most, he was a true and loyal friend, a rare thing to her these days.  

She made a promise to herself not mare it with her growing attraction. She refused to lose another person she cared about.

Which is why when she finally made it down to the kitchen after holding off as long as possible only to be greeted by an empty room, she felt her heart twinge. Feeling silly for simply assuming he would be there, for not even questioning it. Not that she blamed him, the kinder part of her hoped he was getting a descent nights rest again, refusing to think on it for long she made herself warm cocoa and set off for bed.

Unsurprisingly sleep did not come easy to her but at least on this night it was not the terrible evil that plagued her, rather the piercing eyes of her favorite spy.

As the hours ticked on and she grew more restless her body wrenched itself out of bed as if on its own accord, and paced a way across their home, it was as she reached the West Wing she realized where she had unconsciously ended up. It was not hard through process of elimination to work out which was his, no light shone beyond the door and no detectable sound either, though she doubted she would know if he was moving about.  

It was silly to have come all this way and she was well aware of how embarrassing her need to visit him was but as she stood with only a large oak door separating them, she understood exactly why she had come, because in that moment she finally felt calmer than she had all week, the anxiety that weaved its way through her reseeded slowly.  

She figured that it couldn’t hurt to stay for a few moments to calm down a little more before venturing back, it would not hurt anyone what they did not know.  

Unaware of when it happened, she found herself sliding down against the door until her bottom hit the cold cobblestones, it was a rather strange feeling that simply being in proximity to him would bring her such small comforts but so was the case as she felt exhaustion slowly creep over and when it came, she felt safe enough to let it take her, she closed her eyes and drifted away.

~

Pheeeeew, That was long and still a little sad but i promise it is going to get less DEPRESSING™️ I just want to lay the groundwork for what is going to happen 😉 I would love any and all critique as always, it is what fuels me!

Also i was almost finished writing the chapter but the title and colourful glass is inspired by the book I am re-reading with that name.

As always anyone who wants to be added or removed just let me know 🖤

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[lovelyirony]

The Necessity of Goodbyes

Robert Bruce Banner was born to a mother who loved him more than she could put into words. She loved him as he grew, and his first word was “book.” She loved him through bruises, shouts of anger, and the silence following. But she knew that if their life would continue like this, she would not survive, and there was a high chance he would not either. So when he is passed out on the couch, and Rebecca allows herself to sneak into Bruce’s room, heart breaking at his immediate reaction to tense up before releasing, she makes her decision.

Screw her marriage. Screw this house. Screw him. She will go and save them.

“Do you want to take a road trip?” Rebecca asks him. Bruce lights up. He saves postcards. She will give him fifty cents when they go grocery shopping, and if he could, he would spend hours looking at the different scenes. Not much to Ohio, but sometimes they’ll put in pictures of Paris or Switzerland or Wyoming or Texas. She thinks they do it just for Bruce—their regular cashier always gives him a mint and a smile. Rebecca thinks maybe she knows about the situation. It helps.

“Can we visit Yellowstone?” Bruce asks. “Or…maybe, um, Jennifer and Aunt Elaine?” That sounds like a great idea.

“We have to be very quiet about this,” she answers. “We’re going to stay with Jennifer and Aunt Elaine for a while. We’ll visit the Hollywood sign and see what Uncle William is up to as sheriff.” Bruce smiles, smiles so widely that Rebecca can’t remember the last time her son did that.

They go to the library. She guides Bruce away from the house, and they use the computers that take forever to boot up. She emails Elaine about the situation, and the result is a resounding yes.

Jennifer needs more company in her life, Elaine writes, and I think Bruce and her would get along great! I don’t have to play as many checker games now! I miss you, and I’m glad you’re staying with us. Keep your eyes peeled for job opportunities, if you want.

She starts stockpiling resources, hides the bags in the guest bathroom. They never have guests over anywhere, haven’t since Brian’s little “problem.”

He doesn’t suspect a thing. She plies him with alcohol, cooks his favorite dishes, and stays quiet. He likes it, and she burns with hatred. Bruce is behind her, silent. He steals cereal from the cabinet, takes granola bars for his school backpack.

When it’s a week away, she’s on edge. Her mind is paranoid, giving her nightmares of him finding out, going berserk. She grips the extra key she has to the car tight, not losing sight of it. He’ll check her purse all the time, making sure she has money that he gives her, making sure there is no “evidence” of everything going to shit. So she hides the key close to her chest, even if it hurts sometimes.

They leave early in the morning. She let him drink to his heart’s content, not caring of the consequences. He gets too close, breath reeking of booze.

She stays quiet with the berating comments, because she knows that he won’t wake up until close to twelve. He has work at eleven, and she won’t be there to wake him up. His boss had called her, telling her that if he was late again, he was fired. She “didn’t remember” to tell him.

Rebecca tiptoes to Bruce’s room at five, surprised to see him already awake. He has his backpack ready to go, shoes in hand, and they go down the stairs. She doesn’t know why she’s so terrified. Her heart is pounding out of her chest, and Bruce is whimpering. She shushes him with a smile.

“We’re leaving for forever,” she says. “It’s a moving experience.” Bruce grins, and the sniffling melts away.

The car is parked in the street, thank god. She starts it up slowly, looks back at the house, and turns off the street for the last time.

Her hands are shaking with excitement, she can’t believe she’s actually doing it. She had had dreams about this moment, escaping with her son.

Her son actually starts laughing. She turns on the radio, not to the news channel that he used to blast and complain about every good thing happening in the world. She finds a song she used to listen to before everything, one that she still knew the lyrics to.

Bruce giggles as she does little dance moves, and tries to improvise the words. They go on the highway, and Bruce had only seen it once, when they were going to Grandpa’s house for Thanksgiving. He loves going fast, loves getting away.

“I wanna talk to Jen,” he decides. “I’m gonna tell her all about frogs and my favorite color and maybe even that I don’t like the—what was it, momma?”

“You don’t like the white sauce,” she reminds him. “And neither do I!” He grins and tells her about his dinosaur book. They don’t actually know the color of dinosaurs, which was amazing. She makes up colors.

“Maybe a stegosaurus was actually…neon orange!” Bruce cackles in his car seat.

“No mommy!”

“Well we don’t know their actual color! Who’s to say?”

They stop at a gas station, and she allows him to pick out one treat. Bruce carefully goes up to an aisle, and points at a small bag of barbecue chips. “Can I get this one, please?” Rebecca grins.

She gets beef jerky, a huge cup of Coca-Cola, and a car scent thing. Just because she could. It’s scented “sunset walkway,” and she didn’t even know that she could smell something like that. She calls Elaine on a payphone, telling her where they are and how much more it will be.

Bruce thinks everything is fun. He loves pointing to signs. He’d never seen other license plates on cars. He saw one from New Mexico, and announced that he wanted a turquoise sweatshirt exactly like it. Rebecca snorts.

“Okay, baby. We can see what we can do.”

She’s kind of terrified, if she’s being completely honest. She has no idea what she’ll do in LA. Not at all. But she knows anything would be better than living with that monster. Bruce deserves better than…than that. She’s determined that his life will be better because of it.

They have a fast food dinner.  It’s not exactly what she wants, but Bruce is absolutely excited. He receives a toy with his meal, a little plush turtle. He disregards the assigned name of “Shellie” and promptly names the turtle “Tchaikovsky.”

“It starts with a T,” he says. “And it’s not Tina or Tim or Shellie.” Rebecca nods, dipping a fry into ketchup and urging him to drink more of the milk.

They sleep in a motel room. She pays in cash, gets the key, and tells Bruce to pick the side of the bed. Children look through everything as if it’s the most exciting thing ever. Bruce is overjoyed that they are on the second floor, and they get to use the elevator. He thinks the ice machine is amazing, and wants to get behind it to see how it works. She just sighs, smiles, and tells him they need a good night’s rest. He’ll get cereal in the morning and maybe something else. Depends.

She stays awake past him, taking him into her arms. She is worried, oddly enough. She wonders what Brian’s doing now. If he’s lost his job. Probably. Drinking money away. Being an asshole of a person. She prays to God that no poor woman goes to him, looking for solace or something else. She hopes, cruelly enough, that he gets what she thinks he deserves. Rebecca settles down against her pillow, and smiles down at Bruce. She would do anything for him.

They get closer to Los Angeles. She thinks the majority of the day will cover it. Bruce might slow them down some, but she’s allowing him some leisure time. He likes stopping at all the rest stops along the way and describing what he likes. He likes the color green, but not bright green. The color green like pine trees, or like mommy’s favorite sweater. (She’ll have to check to make sure she packed it.)

The two get into Los Angeles late, to the point where Bruce is too stubborn to go to bed, but too sleepy to do anything else. Rebecca sighs as she pulls into the familiar driveway, parking the car and turning off the headlights.

“We’re here baby,” she murmurs. A light in the kitchen comes on as Elaine walks out, rushing to greet the two.

“Hey,” she whispers. “How are two of my favorite people holding up?”

Rebecca’s shoulders drop a bit of their tension as she sets down Bruce to go hug his aunt. “We’re sleepy,” she responds back. “And forever grateful for you.”

“Don’t be grateful just yet, Will cooked,” Elaine remarked. “Bruce, Jen’s really excited to see you. She’s lying on the couch.”

Bruce trips over a shoelace as he races up the stairs. Elaine laughs as she guides him to where Jen is currently sleeping as reruns of some animated show plays.

“Bruce!” Jen says as he pokes her leg. She pats the seat next to her, and then lays down again. “Took you a long time. I wanted you to come to school with me today.” Rebecca smiles fondly as Bruce tells her all about the “extremely, super-duper cool hotel,” and the “weirdest thing I ever saw, Jen!”

Elaine and Will sit down with Rebecca in the kitchen, putting Jen and Bruce down to bed.

“We’re here to help, you know that right?” Rebecca nods. She sinks onto Elaine’s shoulder.

“I know. I know.”

And they do help, actually. Elaine helps her sister find a job with Stark Industries, working in their marketing department. She takes Bruce to meet Howard’s son when they go to the same school, and Tony’s there for a robotic demonstration. She honestly thinks her life is over when Bruce corrects Tony on a measurement. She thinks Howard will fire her, her life will fall apart, and all hope is lost.

But Tony grins, and drags Bruce to his makeshift workshop. Finally, there’s someone on “his level.”

Jen is a very shy girl, but one that is always ready to fight for what’s right. Rebecca and Elaine both suspect she’ll be a lawyer or something similar. She always can argue a little bit better than both Bruce and her father, which is always a delight to see. Bruce and Jen help each other come out of their shells and realize that they can have friends and they can be happy pursuing their hobbies and interests.

As Rebecca kisses Bruce on the cheek as she gets into the car to drive home, leaving him in college, she knows he’ll be okay. Bruce is rooming with Tony and a very nice boy named James who seems like he will be the one who will be either responsible or the instigator. (As time goes on, she discovers that it’s a little bit of both.)

‘Love you,” Bruce says, pulling her into a hug. “And I’ll miss you. Text you tonight with an update on how three college boys cook.” She laughs, giving him a final glance.

“I’m so happy for you,” she says. “Stay out of trouble.”                              

(Which of course, he doesn’t do. But that’s another scrapbook that she hasn’t finished quite yet.)

[braveskyered]

Knights (Part 9)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

Another big step for Arthur and Elaine comes up, but since they have experience, they know they'll be fine.

Part 9: No Problems Now, Just Rearranging

- - - - -

Arthur couldn't help but feel concerned for Elaine.

It's close to mid-March now, and the Spring season is just starting. Elaine had not been feeling as energetic as she usually is since the month began.

She brushed it off at first as stress from the job as a mechanic at Four of a Kind Queens or from her job as a monster hunter. She found that she didn't have a fever, but her occasional moments of nausea while working proved to be concerning. However, after eating some crackers, it was enough to cure her ailment temporarily. She only vomited once, and quickly blamed it on bad food, which made her mother Caelia mildly indignant on that her cooking only did that to Elaine and not to Caelia herself, Arthur, or the twins.

Arthur had finally convinced her to go to a doctor for a checkup, promising that if she came back with the results showing that she is healthy and stable, he would treat her to a romantic evening. Elaine immediately threw whatever weekend plans she had out the window, and on the day of the appointment, had the twins stay with Caelia for the weekend, who wanted to spend some time with her grandchildren. Sometimes Arthur forgets that Elaine really likes having some alone time with him in more ways than one, so he couldn't refuse when she asked for a romantic weekend with a big grin on her face.

He'd be lying to himself if he didn't want this.

Arthur thought about going to a movie theater on one evening, but there weren't any showings that would interest them, so he scratched that off the list. He had already booked a reservation at the Adagio Inn, a hotel and restaurant that couples are known to frequent, which was the original evening in question. He soon rose a brow at the list he was writing. What else could he add as an activity for the weekend? An impromptu trip somewhere near Cantabile? They wouldn't have to stay at a hotel if they do that.

He eventually decided to wait until Elaine came back and actually discuss it with her. It's only fair that she decides an activity, too.

…

He thinks it's kind of strange, to be honest.

Even though it's only been about thirteen years now, with him nearing the age of thirty-five, Arthur felt... free. Free and safe. Free and safe from the ones that hurt him in the past, finding a new life for himself, getting married to an amazing woman, fathering twin children, raising and loving said twins, slowly and steadily healing from his trauma, gradually becoming more brave against the paranormal, and here he is planning a weekend with just him and the woman he loved.

To think all of that happened because he decided to leave on impulse.

The only one he missed from his life in Tempo is his uncle. While Arthur still made sure to send letters to Kingsmen Mechanics, a part of him did wish he would get a reply from Uncle Lance, even though he was the one who made the system of not having a return address. Every once in a great while, he would check on the status of the repair shop by browsing the website it has, and when he checked it last week, the shop is still standing and going strong under Uncle Lance's name.

That meant Uncle Lance is doing fine without him, right?

Arthur made a note to himself to send another letter to his uncle. He still stood by the decision to never mention his marriage to Elaine or the existence of Gwen and Percy, who are now ten years old, in his letters, but he would write about how happy he is with the people he is with now. He would write at how he is fine and is still healing, and would always end the letter with the request not to look for him. He then thought about it, and figured he should leave that last part out for once.

...Did that mean that he is considering on calling his uncle?

Maybe he should, but not now, it'll have to wait. If he's going to be set up with disappointment, he'll want it after his weekend with Elaine, so he won't ruin the mood.

About four hours later, Elaine returned with a file folder in her hand, her expression looking conflicted while in a daze.

That quickly got Arthur's attention, “Elaine? Is everything all right?”

Elaine didn't answer at first, still staring at the file in her hand, then looked away and held it out to him, “Nothing's wrong with me.”

Arthur rose a brow in concern as he took the file and started to read the contents inside. It showed a variety of tests done to find a diagnosis, most of them being negative until he reached one line that said it was positive. His eyes widened before looking up at her, “Wait, you're really...?”

“The doctor's guess is that I'm about ten weeks pregnant,” Elaine sighed before smiling a little, her brow furrowed slightly, “I really screwed up, didn't I? Because I didn't have the typical morning sickness, and that I often have difficulty conceiving, I didn't think my symptoms were linked to pregnancy.”

He processed her words before doing a double take, then asking suspiciously as he set the file on the counter, “...What do you mean by 'screwing up'?”

Elaine winced, “I just figured you wouldn't want another-- Mmph--?!”

“Finish that sentence and I won't forgive you for assuming that,” Arthur said after kissing her, wrapping his arms around her tightly before laughing, “I'm thrilled, Elaine. I'm thrilled you're okay. I'm thrilled with this.”

“You're okay with us having another child?” she asked and hugged him back, “Even though this one isn't planned?”

Arthur chuckled, “Gwen and Percy weren't exactly planned, either, remember?”

Finally, Elaine was laughing along, “True. You're definitely taking this a lot better that I thought you would. Back then, I remember you being so unsure of yourself when we found out we were having the twins.”

He wouldn't deny that, back when he was still unsure of everything.

- - - - - - -

“...What?”

Arthur went stiff.

“The doctor said that I'm about eight weeks along, which matches up with our, uh, heh heh,” Elaine chuckled with flushed cheeks and a nervous yet excited disposition. Her hands curled into fists, rubbing against each other, a habit she has when unsure or nervous.

All thoughts went out the window, his mind became completely blank.

She smiled and scratched at her cheek with a finger, “I-I seriously didn't think it would be possible, since, well, I've been told by other doctors that I wouldn't be able to have children.”

Arthur was fortunate that he was already sitting down with Elaine when she told him the news.

Elaine discovered that she is pregnant.

He never thought he would feel such terror compared to what the wraith had put him through. Him? A father? How would he be able to raise a child? He hardly knew how to take care of himself!

What... What had he done?

“Arthur? Are you... not happy with this?”

“N-No! I...!” he ran his fingers through his hair, “I-I-I just...! I just...” he let out a deep breath he didn't realize he had, “I need time to wrap my head around this. Please.”

Elaine looked conflicted, her brow furrowed with sadness before putting up a slight smile despite the uneasiness, “All right. We'll talk about this later. I'll go call Mom and Dad to tell them about the baby. Okay?”

Arthur noticed that she took his initial reaction pretty hard.

Under any other circumstance, while the thought of having a child would've excited him, he remembered Lewis wanting to have a family. But with him dead by his hand – demon or not – that wish became impossible to achieve. The wraith hated Arthur for taking away his life, his wishes, his future. That the wraith had made clear to him. And now, Arthur will have something the wraith will want for himself.

And if the wraith or the Mystery Skulls or anyone from Tempo were to find him after this...

He couldn't finish the thought as he stood up and went into the workshop near his room. He could've sworn he heard Elaine cry a little, which only made him feel worse than he already is.

When he approached the work desk, Arthur started to add modifications to the next model of his prosthetic arm in an attempt to take his mind off the fact that Elaine is pregnant, with his child no less, but his mind kept drifting back to the subject, and then to the night that led to this in the first place. He and Elaine have only been married for five months now. Even before that, Arthur always felt reluctant to even lay a hand on her, knowing that he doesn't deserve it. She gradually coaxed him into believing he did.

He remembered her placing a skeletal hand over his cheek as she asked him the same question, a reluctant smile framing her fully fleshed face.

“You're not scared of me, are you?”

“N-No, I'm not,” he muttered to himself when he recalled that night, “Because it's you.”

His own parents had failed him, and he never had any good memories to say about them even before their divorce due to the neglect. He feared that he wouldn't be a good father. Even though he loved Elaine, he knew that he wouldn't be a good husband for her in the long run. And yet here he is, married, and a father to be? Elaine, carrying a child sired by him?

...What would their child be like?

Arthur smacked his flesh hand against his head to stop that thought. He knew that the child has nothing to do with his internal debate and tried to shove the thought aside. He soon resumed work and kept adding modifications on the next arm model until he heard a knock on the door.

“Arthur? It's Caelia. May I come in?”

He looked at the clock on the desk. It's been four hours? Elaine must be really upset if she hadn't come to talk to him after revealing the news. If her mother is here, he didn't doubt that she will heavily scold him for his reaction. With a breath of resignation, he gave Caelia permission to open the door before picking up from where he left off on the arm. He heard Caelia opening the door and closing it behind her, but didn't hear her say anything. At this point, Arthur knew she was staring at him with disapproval.

He wouldn't blame her it, since even he felt that his reaction to the news was a bad response. He didn't dare look, instead keeping his back turned to her.

“Well?” He gave a small huff of resignation, a smile that did not show a hint of happiness forming, “Are you here to tell me that I'm pathetic?”

“What? Arthur, what on Earth are you talking about?” Caelia sounded offended, “I didn't come here to talk down on you, I'm only here because I need your help at Queens.”

Confusion reached into Arthur's features. Did she not know? He recalled Elaine saying that she would tell her parents about her pregnancy, unless her being upset prevented that? He thought about telling her himself, but he didn't want to rob Elaine of that.

Still... it didn't change the fact that he felt horrible.

He agreed to go with Caelia so he can help her on whatever it is she needed. As far as he knew, it's probably an obscure car part or even the machines in the shop itself that needed repair. She's asked him for his help on those before, even though he's pretty sure she's capable of doing them by herself most of the time.

He isn't sure what to feel worse about.

When the two of them reached Four of a Kind Queens, Caelia guided Arthur to her office, full of organized paperwork and two computers on an L-shaped desk tucked against a corner. She pulled out a file and laid out the contents for him to see. He rose a brow as he read the top page that was marked with red ink. The really old van that belonged to that PE teacher that teaches at the nearby middle school is done and ready to be crunched, for there is no salvaging it this time after so many half-successful attempts. Arthur knew for a fact that Caelia didn't need his help on this. Which meant that what Caelia is really doing is that she wanted to talk to him privately about something else.

“By the way, I heard the news from Elaine. Congratulations,” Caelia smiled and made a welcoming gesture at the chair for guests in front of her desk, which Arthur followed, “You really have no idea how much I'm looking forward to being a grandmother.”

Him? Fathering a child? What was he thinking?! He thought they were careful... He has no right to be a father! He has no right to be married! He has no right to be hap--

“You seem unhappy about it, though. Is something on your mind?”

He didn't try to make a rebuttal against that. He is unhappy, but it's more directed at himself and not to Elaine or the child she now carries. After Lewis's death at his hand, possessed or not, Arthur knew that the hatred and punishments he received from the wraith were well deserved. He doesn't deserve this life with the Knights family. He didn't deserve loving and marrying Elaine. He didn't deserve having a family bearing his bloodline. Despite this, Arthur still craved for the kindness Elaine, and her immediate family, had given him. He craved for love and companionship, for kindness and for family.

I don't deserve this...

“What do you mean when you say you don't deserve it?” Caelia placed her hands against her hips and rose a brow at him in disbelief.

Arthur's throat constricted when he realized that he had said it out loud enough for his mother-in-law to hear. He huddled closer to himself, his hands shaking. His prosthetic hand gripping at his shoulder, the shoulder where the wraith would placed a burning hand whenever he thought Arthur would “misbehave.”

“Wait, this isn't from the time you were abused, is it?”

Arthur twitched before he could stop himself, which gave Caelia the answer she needed. Like Elaine and her mother Vivienne, she also knew about the injuries he received back in Tempo. The cuts, the bruises, the burns. He hated seeing the look of pity from her. He knew he didn't deserve anything from her or Elaine, yet...

“I see,” she walked over to him with a smile, and to his surprise, held him close, like a mother would to her child, “I could say so many things to you, but you would probably think that they're not true. I will say this: We love you, Arthur. We know there are so many things about your past that you haven't told us about, and you probably never will, and that's fine. You've already proven to us that you're a good person, enough that even my mother has grown to love you as a grandson before even marrying into our family. That is an achievement I have never seen anyone else do, not even Tom was able to accomplish that.”

Arthur isn't sure what to think of this. Yes, he knows that he loves Elaine, and that he came to care for her immediate relatives. Caelia and her husband Thomas (or Tom, as he's commonly called) were skeptical of Arthur at first, but soon they came to care about him as a friend until he became their son-in-law by marrying their daughter. Besides his uncle, Elaine's parents gave him what could be parental affection, the closest he could get after leaving Tempo.

“I never did get along with my parents when I was growing up. They usually fought, so I often had to go to my uncle whenever I needed support,” Arthur suddenly confessed, holding up his good arm to grasp at Caelia's arm while still in her hold, “Before I became a teen, they went through a really nasty divorce. It got so bad that I went to live with my uncle. I never looked back since.”

Caelia slowly let him go, giving him space. When Arthur looked up, she gave him a nod to let him continue.

“I'm just afraid that I might do the same thing my parents did,” he looked away from Caelia and found a certificate on the wall that suddenly seemed interesting, “I don't even know how to be a father. What if I screw up? What if I fail Elaine? What if I--”

“The fact that you're conscious about it means that you're already on the path of being a good father, Arthur,” Caelia cut him off as she spoke in a matter-of-fact tone, “I won't ask how exactly your parents raised you, but regardless, you turned out well despite it. As for all the crap your parents did? Well, then use that as an example of what not to do as a parent. And regarding your abuser? If they said that you don't deserve to be happy, or you don't deserve to have a family? Then they can go fuck themselves."

Arthur did a double take with a raised brow. Caelia isn't exactly one to cuss, that's usually more of Morgan's thing.

"They're not in your life anymore, so whatever lies they told you isn't worth your time. I say you deserve happiness, and so will the rest of my family. And besides, back on topic, you're not raising your child all by yourself. You have my daughter helping you, and of course me, and the rest of the family,” she placed a hand on his shoulder, “If it makes you feel better, Tom was exactly like you when I was pregnant with Elaine, and he turned out to be a great daddy for her despite his fears at first. Just do the best you can, and if you ever need help, you call me. It's my role as your mother-in-law, and as a grandmother for your and Elaine's child.”

“But if I make a mistake--”

“Of course you're going to make mistakes, Arthur,” Caelia gave him a look that told him it was obvious, “This is your first child, and the same will apply to Elaine. She'll be making mistakes herself since this is her first, too. You don't become super parents at day one, you'll learn in due time. Again, that's what I'm here for, and as hot-headed as my sister can be, Morgan can also give you some tips when I'm not available. You'll make a great dad for them, I'm sure of it.”

“How do you know if I'll be a good father for them?”

“You don't, Arthur. But wanting to be one is a good start.”

For some reason, Arthur felt a weight fall off from his shoulders. Not all of the weight, of course, but he did feel a little more at ease. He is still nervous about being a father, being a person that may or not deserve to live, but Caelia's words made him realize that maybe he isn't a massive screw up. That he actually deserves to have a family of his own. That what the wraith had told him is not true.

He isn't completely sure, but he does know that he wants this family.

He needed to talk to Elaine.

- - - - - - -

“Well, I think the kids have accepted it, Elaine. Sometime in October, there will be a new member of the family.”

“That's because we gave them the whole weekend for them to freak out about it,” Elaine deadpanned before sipping her water, “It's a good thing I left them to Mom, I don't know how she does it.”

Sure, Elaine's surprise pregnancy did throw a wrench into some of their plans, but Arthur knew not to let it ruin everything. He still took her to the Adagio, although he had to exclude the wine list. He doesn't really care for alcoholic drinks, but he sometimes samples them with Elaine, who does enjoy a good drink every now and then. With her being pregnant, though, they had to remove that from the table.

A week later, Elaine had to leave any monster hunting to her mother, aunt, and cousin. It bothered her that she wouldn't be able to do her family's legacy for the time being, but working at Four of a Kind Queens gave her something to do. Although she will have to stop doing that as well once she's far enough in her condition.

As the weeks gradually passed, Arthur and Elaine started to move some things around in their bedroom to make room for a crib. They decided to use the same system they did when raising the twins, which also relieved Gwen and Percy any possible worries that the upcoming baby would be rooming with one of them for the time being. More weeks passed, and soon Elaine's parents and aunt were helping with the preparation for the upcoming child.

“Daddy?” Arthur looked up from his work bench at the private fifth garage at Four of a Kind Queens, and saw his daughter Gwen standing near him while gently clinging to his sleeve, looking unsure of herself, “When will the new baby be here?”

“Some time in October, Gwen,” Arthur turned away from the new crib he was constructing to properly face her, and noticed that some frost was beginning to form around her fingers, “So what brings you here? Are you having trouble with your ice power again?”

“New babies are really tiny, aren't they?” He noticed that Gwen ignored his last statement, “I heard during Health that they'll need lots of attention.”

“That they do, they can't do much on their own.”

Gwen suddenly came up and hugged him, catching him off guard. Even though her hands were icy cold, Arthur didn't feel the chill due to the moon pin's protective properties, letting him hold his daughter even when she has trouble controlling her power. If she's exhibiting this much ice, then Arthur knew that she's feeling down. But why?

“Daddy, when the new baby comes, will you still love me?”

Arthur smiled, holding her closer.

“Of course, both your mother and I will keep loving you and Percy even after the baby is born,” he said, rubbing his hand across Gwen's back, “We'll have to give the baby a lot of attention, but we won't ever abandon you two. Are you looking forward to being a big sister?”

Gwen nodded against his shoulder, the frost slowly melting from her fingers.

A few more weeks passed, and his and Elaine's bedroom already has the items needed to prepare for the new family member. Elaine had reached the stage where she started having her strange cravings at five months, and to his surprise, actually had a craving for Surf's Up Surprise pizza. Under normal circumstances, ordering it would be impossible since the pizza in question is a local specialty in Tempo. Thankfully, Caelia somehow learned how to make her own version of the pizza years ago when Arthur told her about it, and soon the dish became a family favorite despite the infamous smell.

“Hey, Dad?”

Arthur looked up from the car he was working on to see his son nearby.

“Mom's wanting another pizza again.”

“Seriously? It hasn't even been two days since your grandmother banned it for a month.”

“I know, it's getting a little ridiculous,” Percy laughed in exasperation as a few flames flicked and popped around his fingers, “I can't even use my fire to bake things properly anymore for today. I am so tired.”

“Then go take a nap,” Arthur snickered, “I'm sure your mother can find something else to satisfy her.”

“She woke me up half an hour ago to make her pudding. They were terrible.”

“...You might want to go to your grandmother's place to sleep, then.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Percy rolled his eyes, “Hey, Dad? Do you think I'll be a good brother to the baby?”

Oh, Arthur remembers this kind of conversation all too well. He stood up and held Percy close to him.

“Maybe not at first, but wanting to be a good brother is a start. I know you and your sister will do just fine. If you ever need help, there's your mother and me, and your grandparents, too. We're all in this together, okay?”

Percy gave a toothy grin.

- - - - - - -

Normally, Arthur tries not to believe in most superstitions, but if there is one that seems to be consistent, it would be Friday the 13th. With October being considered “the spooky” month, the day and date itself would be considered cursed to some. Ever since his children were born on that day and date, though, he never believed it to be unlucky or cursed anymore.

This time, Arthur finds it to be the lucky date for his family. On the early hours of October, Friday the 13th, just past four in the morning, their third child was born in the Cantabile Crescendo University Hospital.

A nurse handed a small cherubic baby girl with black hair to Elaine resting in the hospital bed, with Arthur by her side.

It was unsurprising, considering the family bloodline's history of only having daughters, but after having Percy, Elaine told Arthur that she isn't so sure of it anymore. Arthur isn't sure whether she was a little disappointed at not having another son, but as far as he knew, a healthy child is all the both of them wanted.

“Do you have a name for her yet?” The nurse asked.

“Well, my star?” Elaine looked up at him.

“Why are you asking me?” Arthur rose a brow in amusement, “We've already picked some names, haven't we?”

“You came up with Gwen and Percy's names. I feel it's fitting that you name her, too.”

Arthur thought about it. Back when they were expecting the twins, Arthur wasn't completely convinced about the family having only daughters despite Elaine telling him that, so he came up with four different names for every possible outcome. Percy and Wayne if they were boys, and Gwen and Vivian if they were girls. Because it was a boy and girl pair, he just simply picked out the names that rolled off the tongue best when spoken together, which happened to be Gwen and Percy. With their third child being a girl, and Gwen's name is already used...

“...Vivian. Vivian Lulu.”

“Vivian Lulu?”

He spelled out the name to her, “It would be her own name, and honor your grandmother at the same time.”

“And where did the Lulu come from?”

“I thought it rolled off the tongue pretty well.”

“Vivian...” Elaine experimented, “Vivian Knights... Vivian Lulu Knights... Vivian L. Knights... Yeah... That fits. That will be her name. Oh, Vivian... As soon as we get out of here, the first one who gets to meet you outside of our family will be Mama Vivienne, your namesake.”

Arthur looked down at his newborn daughter, holding out a finger from his prosthetic hand near the baby's own tiny hand. As the newborn started to grasp his finger on instinct, he narrowed his eyes at the thought of him having nightmares again.

Well, he started having the nightmares of the wraith and the kitsune wanting to take his family ever since Gwen and Percy were born. While he still fears them, the protections he received from Elaine and her family, along with the various counseling sessions from a therapist the family trusts, he started to slowly move on from them. Ever since Vivian was conceived, however, the nightmares returned with a vengeance, but Arthur knew not to let it conquer him.

Like with Gwen and Percy, who were left to stay with Morgan for the time being, Arthur swore to himself to protect Vivian from the ghosts of his past, and to love her until the end of time even after her power emerges, should she have them.

As the nurse decided to leave the parents alone for a while to bond with their newborn daughter, Elaine held Vivian out to him, “Would you like to hold her? I think she should get to know you.”

Arthur nodded and took the bundle in his hold, allowing him to see her up close for the first time. She looked just her mother, although he could see that she has his nose. Her hair is completely black like her mother and sister, her skin looking pale yet healthy. He noticed that she is starting to wake up with a whimper, so he held her close to let her hear his heartbeat.

He smiled slightly, remembering that he did the exact same thing to the twins back when they were newborns. He recalled being scared to hold them, afraid that he might hurt them, afraid that he would fail them. But after being with them for exactly eleven years, he knew that he defied those fears thanks to the help of Elaine and her family. Because of them, he can hold Vivian without any fear or concern of his own insecurities.

Even though the Mystery Skulls never found him, Arthur didn't want to take any chances, so he held off on making that call to his uncle ever since he learned that Elaine was pregnant with Vivian. He didn't want to risk Vivian's safety if calling his uncle potentially meant letting the Mystery Skulls on finding him.

Even though he denied it, Arthur knew the real reason why he ran away.

He started humming the lullaby to her, the song that always opened the wound in his heart, yet it is the only one he is willing to play for his family. His voice cracked midway, and he shed a tear before he could stop himself.

...Even after all this time, he can't let go.

“My knight?”

Arthur looked up at Elaine, who looked back with concern on her face.

“My star,” she held out her left hand to him, “Is there something on your mind?”

He took her hand with his prosthetic, “No, I'm just thinking about how happy I am to have met you and our family.”

Elaine gave him a knowing smile, and he knew very well that she isn't fooled by his words.

- - - - - - -

…

…

…

Why?

Why did this have to happen to us?

I never wanted to hurt you...

…

...

…

No! This is... What have I...?

I didn't want this!

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

…

…

…

Why won't you pick up?

Please... pick up.

I'm begging you.

* - * - * - * - *

...?

Although the year as a number doesn't really count for much since I didn't really establish a time of year here, the ages of Gwen, Percy, and Vivian are based off actual time. Ghost was released on October 2014, where Arthur is 22 according to his profile. Friday, October 13th occurred in 2017, which coincides with it being three years later when Gwen and Percy were born while Arthur is 25. The next time Friday the 13th occurs on an October is during the year 2023 while Arthur is 31, and again on 2028, the latter time being when Vivian was born while Arthur is 36. In short, Gwen and Percy are exactly eleven years older than Vivian due to all three sharing the same birthday, October 13th.

Fun fact: The drawing with Arthur and Gwen is the first illustration I made outside of Arthur’s hand with the moon pin in Part 4. It looks more sketchy here because I was trying out different styles at the time.

Part 10: Live Forever Lyrics

[executive-geneticist]

@littlesilverplatinum asked:

1: What does their bedroom look like?, 9: Makeup? (on others), 28: Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?, 36: What makes them feel guilty? And 49: Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

Detailed Headcanons Prompt

1: What does their bedroom look like?

{In a word? Spartan. At present he has very little to speak of that’s inherently “his” (rather than, say, part of Rocket property) and everything he owns is kept neat and orderly in his flat in Violet City. His bedroom is little more than a pallet on the floor (something he isn’t terribly fond of, given he never quite became accustomed to the Japanese custom of sleeping on the bare floor) in the middle of the single room he calls home. He has a small shelving unit nearby that stores whatever books he’s currently reading, but otherwise he doesn’t own very many “homey” things given that he doesn’t tend to get sentimental over that sort of thing and he only very rarely has guests over.}

9: Makeup? (on others)

{Makeup is one of those subjects that rarely comes up for him, given the fact that it’s less acceptable for those of his gender to wear. That said, while he does consider himself more or less in need of no improvement (even he balks at the concept of perfection), he wouldn’t be aggressively opposed to the idea if, say, he were covering an unsightly blemish or something of that nature. He may not be perfect, but that doesn’t mean he can’t project a near enough image of such a thing anyway.

{As for on others, he’s a lot more ambivalent. He finds beauty in the subtle, “natural” look most of the women he sees go for on the day to day, in the effort and attention to detail it requires to achieve a more complicated look, and in the raw reality of being utterly without.}

28: Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

{It’s difficult for Archer to pin down any one person for either concept. He likes to think he’s ‘close’ with the other Executives in some form or fashion as they have an amicable working relationship. He relies closely on those in his personal squadron and has affable relationships with a number of other subordinates. He might even be seen spending non-work time with other Rockets (out of uniform, naturally) in a friendly manner, but it’s difficult to ascribe “friend” to anyone in Archer’s circle as he keeps most people at a specific distance that doesn’t leave much room for true friendship. If he had to choose someone, Ariana or Proton would be his first choice.

{If he were to be completely honest and he’s not, he would probably say Elaine/Chase. Giovanni seems like a potential answer, but he doesn’t view Giovanni that way. Labeling him as an enemy implies he believes the man capable of posing a viable threat. It’s the heroic types, the children saddled with saving the world, that play the biggest part in being his ‘enemy’ if he’s going by experience alone. It pains him to consider merely children enemies, though, given it involves admitting his humiliating defeat and taking into account anyone in the future cropping up to fill that roll again.}

36: What makes them feel guilty?

{By nature, guilt isn’t something he is capable of feeling. Guilt and remorse involve feeling empathy for someone else, feeling bad for something he’s done to someone else. He might feel shame for something he’s done if it affects him negatively-- he deeply regrets ever sticking around after it became clear Giovanni was letting his vision get the better of him-- and he feels ‘sad’ when he loses something of interest, but it mostly amounts to the way a person feels sad losing a pet or breaking a toy. It’s unfortunate and he might think fondly on the memories of enjoyment he had with someone or something, but it’s a fleeting feeling that is quickly replaced with a new focus, theory, or object of interest.

49: Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

{The thought of dying-- of ceasing to exist-- does frighten him to an extent. He has yet to fully realize himself, to do anything of note that might make him worth remembering, and the idea of losing that potential makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. That being said, it’s not something that tends to keep him up at night and it certainly does little to stay certain impulses when they arise.}

[iamthebonecarver]

CRYING CORNER™ (SJM accent challenge)

Id just like to say ahead of time, Im sorry for the length of the videos and i am sorry you have to click for the link but since i had to post them on youtube due to the size i didnt want them open to everyone so i made it so you can only watch them if you have their links. Also a quick sorry about them being videos but i didnt feel like learning how to post audio files onto tumblr. 

SJM ACCENT CHALLENGE #1

 CLICK FOR LINK TO THE VIDEO BECAUSE ITS YOUTUBE AND IM LAZY AND YOU CAN ONLY SEE IT IF YOU HAVE THE LINK

I know I did a whole intro already and waaaaayyyy too much babbling but I was tagged by @songbirdsbooks @acourtoftears @wingsofanillyrian

This is the elriel fic I was talking about https://iamthebonecarver.tumblr.com/post/161184198378/the-secrets-of-fate-elriel-oneshot

And then this is the other one I really like the concept of https://iamthebonecarver.tumblr.com/post/161908601458/now-listen-here-fandom

If I missed any other links I said if add, let me know so I can add them.

(While I was copying the questions I realized I didn’t answer one so the answer is yes. I defiantly will be reading the ACOTAR novellas)

Here are the questions I answered: •Name and username •Where are you from? •Pronounce the following words: 
Archeron, Rhysand, Cresseida, Thesan, Rhoe Galathynius, Illyrian, Manon, Abraxos, Prythian, Lucien, Ianthe, Suriel, Bryaxis, Cerridwen and Nuala, Elide, Velaris, Rowan Whitethorn, Chaol Westfall, Yrene Towers, Nehemia Ytger, Rifthold, Adarlan, Chrocan, Kaltain Rompier, Sorscha, Dorian Havilliard, Lyria, Asterion horse, Valg, Eyllwe, wyrdmarks, rowaelin, feysand •How did you find out about the books? •When did you start reading them? •Favorite character from TOG? •Favorite character from ACOTAR? •Have you read The Assassin’s Blade? Do you plan on reading the ACOTAR Novellas? •Favorite ship/s? •Read a page from your favorite book from TOG (or ACOTAR) Which scene destroyed you the most? •If you read fanfiction, name your favorite or some of your favorites •Fave headcanons? •Favorite quote/s? •If you could choose any piece of media to readapt the Maasverse in, what would you choose? (e.g: movie(s), tv show(s), animation, a musical, videogames, etc) •TOG or ACOTAR? Why? •Which would be your ACOTAR Court? Why? •And last but not least, say 3 unpopular opinions. Do it, go off

I’m not tagging anyone cause everyone and their mother has done this already in the fandom. So instead, if you haven’t done it, considered yourself tagged by me right now.

_________________________________

SJM ACCENT CHALLENGE #2

CLICK FOR THE LINK CAUSE IM LAZY AND ITS YOUTUBE SO YOU CAN ONLY SEE IT IF YOU HAVE THE LINK

So I was not tagged in this second challenge that started going around. BUT….. when I first saw it, it was literally 5 minutes after I filmed the first one and I was originally going to wait to get tagged a couple of times but it was 2 ish in the morning and I was like fuck it! Let’s post them together! Gonna knock out everything! So yea. Also I saw the post from a reblog by @azrielsiphons who reblogged it from @manontrashbeak

Its really just a lot of rambling. OH! Here are the links: https://iamthebonecarver.tumblr.com/post/162211836153/aedion-i-know-im-the-bi-cousin-but-there-are-a

Questions: •You have one hour to spend with a member of the Inner Circle. Who and why? •If Aelin, Manon, or Dorian has to be sacrificed in TOG, who do you think it should be? •What would one hour alone with Amren be like for you? •Are you more of a smut fan or a fluff fan? DON’T LIE •Voice your feelings on Mort the doorknocker, King of Sass™ •Fly with Illyrians or fly with the Thirteen? •GIVE RHYSAND A LAST NAME •Consider and respond to the fact that: Sam Cortland is dead (I’m sorry, I just really want to hear everyone flail in real time the way we do on the internet) •Describe your fav character from TOG and ACOTAR in one word. •What’s that one (or more) ship that everyone else loves but you just…. don’t? •What character do you want to bring back from the dead the most? •What character do you REALLY NEED A NOVELLA ABOUT RIGHT NOW? •What are your theories on Nesta’s favoritism of Elain over Feyre? •Are you looking forward to Tower of Dawn or not? BE HONEST •Would you ever name your child or a pet after a book character? If so, who? (Doesn’t necessarily have to be an SJM character) - •Did you like the ending of ACOWAR? Be brutally honest (but remain kind please).

I just went through the questions again after copying and pasting them and I realized I left out a few that I honestly didn’t even see last night when I filmed these. SOOOOO if you want to know the answers, send me an Ask and I’ll answer ☺️ Or if you have any other questions for me in general about the books (literally any not just SJM) or you want to hear an opinion or theory just send in and Ask. I love doing that kind of thing.. you know analyzing books and theories and shit like that.

I will not be tagging a lot of people on this because I feel bad when I forget people so instead, if you want to do this second challenge then consider yourself tagged by me right now. @wingsofanillyrian @highladyofthedark @songbirdsbooks @togloveralltheway

[woodworkingpastor]

Into all the world... Matthew 28:16-20 Second Sunday of Easter April 28, 2019

Prayer of Invocation

We give you all thanks and praise, O God,

for you meet us in our doubts and fill us with life and peace.

You are the one who was and is and is to come—the beginning and the end—who breathed life into the earth and its creatures.

Our ancestors put their trust in you and celebrated your mighty acts of salvation.

You sent your child, Jesus, as a faithful witness to your goodness and love.

He was killed by the powerful, but you raised him, as the firstborn from the dead.

Appearing behind the locked doors of our fear he breathed Holy Spirit into us and commissioned us to carry his words of peace and mercy to the world.

Seated at your right hand as Leader and Savior, he frees us from sin and makes us a kingdom of priests to serve you forever.

We live in a day where culture can quickly be influenced by new concepts, behaviors, or phrases. Most of us remember how quickly phrases from the TV show Seinfeld worked their way from the show into common speech.  Phrases like “yada yada yada,” “no soup for you,” and “not that there’s anything wrong with that” are still heard in common conversation, all courtesy of Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer.  

With social media, memes became even more common, as catchy phrases can now be attached to a photo and transmitted quickly.  Some of my favorites memes are those who show the results of an embarrassing mistake with the phrase, “You had one job.”

I hope you noticed the header above our order of worship this morning.  It’s the Second Sunday of Easter.  That’s an important designation to keep in mind, because the church has historically recognized holidays differently than our culture recognizes them.  Our Hallmark culture puts all the emphasis on the days leading up to the holiday—so we get Christmas songs at Thanksgiving and chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps just past Valentine’s Day.  But the church recognizes holidays after the actual day.  Following that logic, the Great Commission is an Easter text; the resurrection of Jesus reminding us the church has one job:  make disciples.

Making disciples was not so easily accomplished for the disciples and those who would follow them in those first years after the resurrection.  The significant problem those Christians faced was that no one knew anything about what they were talking about.  The Jesus movement portrayed in the book of Acts typically began with outreach in the Jewish community—where there was common spiritual ground—but quickly spread to non-Jewish persons, reaching all the way to Rome within a generation and a half of the resurrection.  

The question these Christians wrestled with was “how do we make disciples?” Starting from scratch, the church had to work out things like how do we baptize? What is the proper way to celebrate the Lord’s Supper?  How do we teach others to follow Jesus—to do the things that Jesus did?

It didn’t take long for those believers to write down an instruction manual in Christian discipleship.  It’s called the Didache, meaning “The Teaching.”  In it, the writers cover basic Christian ethics before moving on to give instructions on how to baptize (running water is preferred but pouring is acceptable if you don’t have access to a river); how to serve communion; how to pray; and how to fast.  What I find absolutely fascinating is how it begins.  Of all the points of Christian doctrine the authors might have chosen to emphasize by placing first in the text, they chose these words:

Two ways there are, one of life and one of death, and there is a great difference between the two ways.  Now the way of life is this: first, love the God who made you; secondly, your neighbor as yourself: do not do to another what you do not wish to be done to yourself.

The writers then continue in a way that might lead us to believe that the first Christians were Church of the Brethren:

The lesson of these words is as follows: bless those that curse you, and pray for your enemies; besides, fast for those that persecute you. For what thanks do you deserve when you love those who love you…when anyone gives you a blow on the right cheek, turn to him the other as well, and be perfect…

They then move on to things to avoid: murder, violence, improper sexual relations, stealing, honest speech.  Pretty much everything we might think to include on such a list.

It’s a fascinating read, for it solidly establishes that those who are Jesus’ disciples—that’s all of us—simply make different value judgments on who and what is valuable, and what things Christians can and cannot do because we have surrendered our lives to Jesus.  Even though the document is well over 1800 years old, it has a contemporary feel because these Christian leaders were instructing their new members and their entire congregations on:

telling the truth

not seeking revenge when wronged

keeping sex within the boundaries of marriage

not being envious, not coveting what our neighbors have

seeking the best for those who make our lives difficult.

It describes these Christian qualities in the midst of a culture where doing things differently than these was normal and acceptable.  It’s not just that these behaviors honor God and reflect our transformation; it’s that living this way was different. Being a disciple of Jesus was fundamentally different from the world around them.  

This is something we need to realize today, because signs that our culture is rapidly moving away from anything that resembles Christianity are all around us. We recognize this, but we want to make sure we recognize the correct signs.

David Brooks wrote a very helpful opinion piece in a column entitled Five Lies our Culture Tells, published by the New York Times on April 15.  He begins by observing the amount of despair that is all around us:  college mental health facilities are swamped; suicide rates are spiking; opioid addiction is rampant; our political leaders tell lies daily and we shrug it off.  His thesis is that our current distress is based on lies we tell ourselves about how to be happy: Lies like:

Career success is fulfilling. Work hard in school, get into a good college, make good grades, and find the career of your dreams.  

I can make myself happy. Just win one more game; lose those 15 pounds; or be more faithful at church. Happiness is something to be gained with one more achievement or acquisition.  

Life is an individual journey. Whoever dies with the most interesting experiences wins.

You have to find your own truth. Choose what values and traditions work for you and go with them.  As long as no one is getting hurt, it’s ok.

Rich and successful people are worth more than poorer and less successful people. This one might just be a variation of the first one.  The more you have, the happier you’ll be.

It would be easy to look at the despair around us and throw our hands up in frustration at the prospects of impacting the culture for Christ and the church. We might be sorely tempted to retreat into the safe walls of our congregation and focus on our own lives.  Or we could remember something significant: today is the second Sunday of Easter; Jesus is raised from the dead and has commissioned us exactly for times like these. The fact that it might be more difficult to get people to take an honest look at Christianity these days does not excuse us from the fact that “we have one job: to make disciples.”

It might look like Matthew 28:19-20 is actually giving us four things to do: go, make disciples, baptize, and teach. It’s a bit clearer in the Greek: the primary verb in this sentence is make disciples.  The other verbs, go, baptize, and teach all describe how we make disciples.  And what is remarkable to me in the New Testament is how often disciples are made in living rooms. Not in church sanctuaries or even in Sunday School rooms—although the Spirit moves in those places, too.  The disciple-making energy of New Testament churches was directed toward people gathered in homes, the exact places where people have traditionally formed deep relationships with one another, where traditions and rituals are passed down through the generations, and where people’s value is based on the fact that they are members of a valuable community, each one contributing to the strength of the entire group.

In other words, the church became the place where cultural lies like those David Brooks describes of our day were shown to be false through the manner of our living.  It could do this because of one theological lie of our day of individualism. In the New Testament church, people are not called to become individual believers but are to be enlisted as disciples within the Christian community, whose reception of the Christian message in faith must be actualized in their lives.

The church has one job: make disciples. Taking this job seriously makes us realize that a faithful church is more focused on transformed lives, not Sunday morning attendance. So how do we get there?  One way might be to figure out how to free people up to have more dinners with our neighbors.  Spending more time at home gathered around the dining room table with our families and our friends, not having so many church activities and meetings that we’re always rushing back here after work for another meeting.  We are surrounded by people who might not be interested in coming to church, but might be curious about someone who has found that joy is found in things like

long-standing deep friendships;

friends who love us enough to tell us when we’re acting like jerks—and whom we love enough to believe them when they say it;

satisfaction found in things other than our career, or our car, or our latest purchase or vacation;

I’ve met a lot of people who aren’t all that interested in church.  But I’ve hardly met anyone who wouldn’t let me pray for them when things were going badly in their lives. That says something.  

What can we do to meet more people like this? Brothers and sisters, we have one job!

[lordbelatiel]

A Court of Wings and Ruin (Sarah J Maas)

5 stars Spoilers linger ahead, turn back if thou hast not read ACOWAR. “I would have waited five hundred more years for you. A thousand years. And if this was all the time we were allowed to have... the wait was worth it.” I think that, luckily, I didn't go into this book expecting ACOMAF. Why? Because it's the end of an arc, there's war, destruction, pain, whilst ACOMAF was about healing, and joy and wonder. I also went into this with my heart in my throat, wondering whether, as a bisexual wlw, I would find this book as offensive as the internet had been saying. I was actually in quite a dark place starting this book, my grandmother had just died, I was 1000 miles from home and horribly homesick, I could feel my anxiety as a constant pressure in my chest. The ACOTAR series has always been like a comfort blanket for me, too many times I've curled up with 'don’t let the hard days win' on my lips. The thought that had been planted in me, that this book could hurt me, made me feel ill, I desperately didn’t want it to be true. I made sure to read it critically, listening to what people had been saying, but, personally, as a bi woman I didn't find any of it offensive (though I agree, the acephobic is painfully acephobic). There are definitely one or two things I would love to just sit down and educate Sarah about, namely NB genders, but I felt that there was a real effort made to include more diverse identities in this book. I've seen a lot of people saying that Sarah ignores the comments made about her lack of diversity, but I think this book really does show that she's listening. ACOWAR begins maybe a week after ACOMAF left off, with Feyre infiltrating the Spring Court, now allied with Hybern, and gathering information for the Court of Dreamers. Feyre is playing the part of a 'perfect Bride of Spring', painting, helping organize festivals…sowing unrest and discord in the Court. When commanders from Hybern arrive in the Court, alongside the dastardly Jurian, so begins a dangerous game… I will start by saying that I know this book, or indeed any of Sarah's books, are not for everyone. This entire series is about love, romance and sex, so if that's not your cup of tea then you might as well pick up another book. There are lines in here that I find incredibly beautiful and others find incredibly cheesy. I'm pretty sure that a couple of years ago I would not have enjoyed this series as much as I do now. How we enjoy books is never based entirely on the books, but also on things we have experienced, things that have happened to us… 'Night Triumphant- and the Stars Eternal. If he was the sweet, terrifying darkness, I was the glittering light that only his shadows could make clear.' If you don't subscribe to the soulmate philosophy, then I can just tell you straight off the bat that some parts of this will make you want to scream. I am, however, an enormous romantic; the idea of finding a partner where both of you are the better for your partnership, just makes me well up. The relationship between Feyre and Rhysand across this series is just so perfect, so secure and safe and heartfelt, it's really going to be hard to find another couple that can even come close. They're just so good for each other, both feeling able to lower their masks and open their hearts to one another. The mating bond is definitely a magical extension of the intuitive nature of some relationships. I also really enjoyed that there were some times where the two of them stepped on one another's toes, where they annoyed or worried the other. I honestly don't think a relationship is as strong as it originally seems until you've seen it weather a storm, or ford a river crossing. Arguments are natural, expected, it would be bizarre if couples didn't disagree about some things. Feyre Feyre's growth as a character in this book was just incredible. Watching her embrace her fears and say and do the things that had always lived somewhere deep in her heart was just so gratifying. Feyre, the woman who had survived homelessness, starvation, torture, accepting her past, accepting herself and mastering the mirror…wow, I was so impressed with her arc. I also enjoyed that she wasn't instinctively good at flying, did not master the skill in an unbelievable time frame and would probably need to keep working on it even after the end of the book. Watching Feyre grow into a true High Lady, and how her relationships blossomed with the other members of the Court of Dreamers, drawing out the truth of each of the characters…ah, I'm so ready to reread and experience that all again. Rhys I'd seen some comments that Rhysand seemed out of character, 'too soft', in this book and I have a lot of thoughts and opinions about that. In ACOTAR we saw only the mask, in ACOMAF the mask slipped away, in ACOWAR we saw the heart of Rhys. I honestly believe that, from the end of ACOMAF, Rhys knew that he would die, that his gentleness in this book came from constant integration of every possibility and the realization that all of them ended in his death. He takes every moment of happiness he possibly can, makes sure, with every moment, that Feyre knows that he loves her and would spend every second of eternity with her if he could. “The great joy and honour of my life has been to know you. To call you my family. And I am grateful - more than I can possibly say - that I was given this time with you all” I know that a lot of people relate to Feyre, but, personally, I relate more with Rhysand. Feyre's depression is very visible, very obvious, whilst Rhys hides his behind a mask of half smiles and glib comments, isolating himself from those he loves because he considers himself a burden. Feyre wastes away, Rhys is actively reckless with his life, spending every ounce of himself and his self worth upon those he loves. Even his beast form, with its cruel talons and inhuman face, seems like a metaphor for internalised self loathing, a part of himself that he really hates to let others see. You feel as if Rhys has always been hiding parts of himself, well before Amarantha's torture, that from a young age he was aware of the suffering around him and that it pained him. 'Everyone insists Rhysand is soulless, wicked. But the male I knew was the most decent of them all.' (Jurian) He was written so well, so honestly, that I could almost know what he was going to do before he did it. The respect that he has for Feyre, his trust in her and her abilities honestly made me well up in places. Feeling and caring, sensitivity and gentleness and love does not make someone weak, and I didn't really like the implication that Rhysand was in this book. If you think that a man dealing with trauma and fear and the coming of war is 'weak', then you're part of the problem and you can come and fight me to be honest. The Court of Dreams I won't lie, the moment we met Cassian in the snow of the Winter Court, I wanted to be the one to throw my arms around his chest. I missed my Court of Dreamers so much in the Spring Court, I missed their laughter, joy and support for one another. Seeing Feyre becoming an integral part of that circle, to see their love for Rhys become love for Feyre…eugh, my heart. I think the dynamic of the Court, watching as Nesta, Elain and, towards the end, Lucien, became enveloped to varying extents into their circle, was just…I loved it. I liked Cassian and Azriel in ACOMAF, but, after finishing ACOWAR I adored them. Seeing how much they cared for Feyre, not just as Rhys' mate, not just as High Lady, but as a friend…how they would die for her and for her sisters, I have no words for how much I felt about that. Azriel's rage at hearing how Tamlin had turned violent around Feyre, his gentleness around broken Elain, Cassian's desperation to save Nesta even when his body was broken…the depth of their love for those around them is just unbounded. I personally, would love to see Azriel and Elain happy together, multiple times throughout the book Sarah's pointed out that sometimes the mating bond just doesn't work, just isn't right and I think even Lucien has come to see their bond as something strange and inexplicable. I ship Lucien with Vassa to be honest, I feel that would be one hell of a relationship, and I really think he deserves someone who loves him as much as he loves them, especially after all that Ianthe did to him. Gentle Elain with her green fingers, her love of beauty and her fierce loyalty to her family, Azriel whose life has been shadows and pain but has seen the joy of love from afar…I just want them to be happy. If that happiness is together or in another pairing I don't mind, just let them be happy. Nesta and Cassian were just…I already enjoyed their relationship in ACOMAF, but there's so much more depth in ACOWAR, with even Nesta letting her own mask slip when concerned about the Illyrian General. I will be disappointed, to say the least, if one of the novels is not about these two, I think there is so much more to be said with them, bear in mind that they only met one another in a time of war when so much else was at stake. Does it matter whether the mating bond snaps into place for them? Not really, I always got the feeling that being 'mated' was actually not all that common, a little like finding your soul mate and, I almost wonder whether you kind of had to be looking for your soulmate for that to happen. I can't imagine that was particularly high on either Nesta or Cassian's priorities. Relationships are different for everyone and I don't think a relationship without a mating bond is lesser to one with. But who knows, maybe it will snap into place at some point in the next few books. I've seen some people say that they think the inner circle are a bit too blasé, a bit silly almost and I have some things to say about that. I'm a 'military brat', I grew up surrounded by battle hardened soldiers and one thing they have almost universally is the most childish sense of humour I have ever come across, sure it dips into darkness every now and then, but for the majority of the time eye rolling and tongue sticking out it entirely par for course. I mean, even for me as a Doctor, do you honestly think we're serious all the time. Dealing with death painfully often makes you more likely to be cracking dumb jokes and not giving a crap what anyone thinks about it, because you know too much about the frailty of life. I felt really bad for Mor in this book, really bad…it seemed that, whilst the situation was terrible for everyone, it was really unravelling for her. Being forced to interact with abusers…watching compromise having to be made with those abusers, I mean, there was no choice, without the Autumn Court, without Keir's forces, they would not have won, but still, it would really have had a serious impact on Mor's security. For her to maybe no longer feel that she's safe in her own city, eugh, my heart hurt reading that part. My heart hurt when Feyre yelled at her about things she couldn't understand, when she struggled to find a way to explain to Azriel that she could not love him that way, when Feyre tricked her into letting her go to the Middle…seriously, Mor really got dealt some of the most painful blows in this book. I just hope that Sarah gives her a wonderful, loving lady in later books, and I hope that the splintering of the relationship between her and the rest of the circle is healed with time. Sexual Identity Since Rhys' mask came down in ACOMAF, I've read him as demisexual, someone who feels sexual attraction only to those they have an emotional bond with. The emotional bond doesn't have to be 'true love', just emotional intimacy and trust. I don't think Sarah wrote him that way intentionally, I just honestly think that lots of people are demisexual but maybe have never considered that part of themselves. It's an identity that I've been turning over in my hands, trying to get a feel for, wondering whether it might apply to me for a while, and I read a lot of my own feelings in Rhys, his flirtations with those other than Feyre not filled with any real sexual desire. You get the feeling he'd never really act on anything without truly knowing them, truly feeling as if he could trust them. The idea that much of that had to do with his trauma at the hands of Amarantha, doesn't make his potential demisexuality any less valid. Being hurt and betrayed by others can definitely impact on your romantic and sexual identities. That leads very much into the next point that I've been thinking about a lot. I came into this book expecting that I might find problems with the way that Mor 'being a lesbian' was handled, only to find that she wasn't even a lesbian at all! From what I understand as a bi wlw, Mor is a homoromantic bisexual, which means that she enjoys sex with more than one gender but is more often than not only romantically attracted to her own gender. 'I prefer females' seems to be the line that has confused people. The thing is, it is perfectly valid as a bi person to be more attracted to a specific gender, bisexuality is a spectrum and it is perfectly normal to feel more attraction to certain genders than others and still consider yourself attracted to all. The fact that she seems unsatisfied after her sex with Helion seems more to do with the fact she was only having sex with Helion to avoid having to talk to Azriel than the fact that she didn't like taking male lovers. 'I do find pleasure in them. In both. But I've known, since I was little more than a child, that I prefer females. That I'm…attracted to them more over males. That I connect with them, care for them more on that soul-deep level.' Homoromantic bisexual…that is literally what she is describing. She's not bad lesbian rep because she's not a lesbian at all. It is not homophobic for Mor to say that sometimes she wants male lovers, because she's bisexual, and erasing that part of her identity is just gross, please stop. I actually found Mor's story heartbreaking because I see so many similarities with myself. 'It was Nephelle and her lover- now her wife, I suppose- who made me dare to try. They made me so jealous. Not of them personally, but just…of what they had. Their openness.' Because being in the closet off the internet can be so heartbreakingly difficult. Seeing people so open in their love and just not being able to find it in yourself to explain the way that you feel to family and friends because some part of you is so scared that it could tear everything asunder, destroy everything that you have. Even the part of Mor that can’t love Azriel, I relate to that so much…I once had a friend that I adored, one of the best friends I ever had, and he loved me in a different way to how I loved him. I tried a relationship because part of me thought that being lovers can't be that different to being friends, but every time he kissed me or touched me I felt repulsed, because I just didn't love him that way and in the end I had to explain that and it destroyed our friendship. It wasn't that I didn't love him that way that hurt, it was that I had lied to myself and lied to him about the fact I just didn’t see him that way. So, I don’t think Mor's story is bad rep, I think that it's complicated rep, maybe too complicated for a YA book (not that I really think ACOTAR is YA) but at the same time, reading through ACOMAF I honestly think that Mor has been queer right from the start and I was really happy to see parts of myself in Sarah's books where there had been very few queer identities before. There are two more points about sexual identity that I want to deal with, Helion and that acephobic paragraph. 'Dagdan and Brannagh had listened to her fawning with enough boredom that I was starting to wonder if the two of them perhaps preferred no one's company but each other's. In whatever unholy capacity. Not a blink of interest toward the beauty who often made males and females stop to gape. Perhaps any sort of physical passion had long ago been drained away, alongside their souls.' Everytime I see that paragraph I groan because it is acephobic, I don't think she intended it to be, I genuinely think she was probably horrified when she found out. It reads more like ignorance than malice. Two characters, evil, twins, probably incestuous…literally, this paragraph causes me physical pain because I can just see how hurtful it could be to people and I just honestly don't believe that Sarah had any idea that it was the case. Being on the internet, learning about different sexual identities, having asexual friends has opened my eyes, but if you haven't had that kind of awakening…I know lots of people who hold a lot of internalised bullshit that they've not yet worked through. This reads a lot like that, and I hope that it leads to some reading that stops it happening again. I honestly don't believe that a single person exists on this planet who doesn't hold some kind of internal bigotry, the important part is recognizing that and working to erase it from your thought process and prevent it from hurting others. Now, Helion…I've also seen some very angry stuff online about how he's a trope, how he's a hypersexualised stereotype and biphobic, which I don't agree with? Not all bisexuals fit into a nice little box, some of us really like sex, others not so much, some of us are poly, others not…saying a bisexual character is biphobic for enjoying sex or wanting a threesome is kind of hurtful. Is someone's bisexuality less valid if they like these things? That sounds an awful lot like slut shaming. I can understand some people not seeing it as representative of their bisexuality but I think it's disingenuous to say it is outright biphobic, not when other bisexual characters such as Rhy Maresh and Monty (A Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue) also are shown as louche and flirtatious and don't get half of the vitriol. Helion's love of sex is literally mentioned once, at that point, and, if I remember correctly, not again after that. He has a really interesting character development, and a story that I hope Sarah goes into more detail in later books. I'm really fascinated to see how the news that he is Lucien's father goes down!! Diversity So, one of the things that Sarah has been panned for in the past is her lack of diversity, and I agree, most of Throne of Glass was the whitest, most hetero thing I have ever read. You can tell from ACOWAR that she is really listening and trying. Many of the High Lords we are introduced to in this books are POC, Drakon and Miryam are POC, Lucien is biracial, Illyrians are confirmed as brown, not simply tan, making Rhys, the main love interest, not white. There are definitely some identities missing, for example, trans and NB characters and more varied sexualities, but this book was almost unrecognizable to the white out of TOG and is substantially more diverse than many fantasy books I've read recently. Conclusion I think it's obvious from this enormous review that I have a LOT of thoughts about this book and what it does well and maybe what it does not so well. I knew when I started reading that it would not be another ACOMAF, this is book about pain, war and loss, about the fear of waking up one more to a world without the one you love. The ending filled my heart with joy. It was 3am and I was sitting in the dark, clutching my kindle and sobbing because I was just so satisfied and so excited to see more of the world that Sarah has created. Maybe not perfect, but complicated and beautiful. 

Originally posted at Moon Magister Reviews.

[likeateatray-inthesky]

Knockturn Alley || Selfie

“Hey, Malinda, I have a new project for you,” Jay started as he came into her workspace. The lighting was low but still enough for her to see her notes and books. It gave the room a soft glow and a sort of ambience. It made her happy. All of the herbs gave the room a calming smell, and each ingredient was organised alphabetically across all her shelves, with her most common ones in a little cabinet mounted on the wall above where she’d placed her cauldron on the workbench. Jay had given her the freedom to make the room however she wanted, without much of a budget, so she’d splurged a little on certain things.

Currently, Malinda was lounging in an armchair on the far side of the room with a book propped up in her lap. Beside her against the adjacent wall was a plush sofa where she’d sometimes nap when potions had longer brew times, and directly across from that was the only window, though it was a large one. Usually, she kept the curtains drawn, finding even the natural light too much for her concentration. Today, however, she’d pulled them about half open, allowing for a little more light as she read. At the sound of her boss’ voice, she looked up and gave a smile, mostly out of excitement. “Sure, what’s up? This one’s almost done, so I was just going to go back to the usual list if there wasn’t anything new,” she explained, even though she knew she didn’t need to. Jay never made her feel like she was doing something wrong or like she wasn’t doing enough, something she was grateful for, but it just made her want to do everything right even more.

“Perfect timing then. This one is a little complicated, though. There’s a client, she’s got this terrible fear of dementors. She wants to know if we can make her a sort of deterrent for them. I think she was wrongfully accused and had to spend time in Azkaban. She rarely leaves her house anymore, and this would make her a lot more comfortable.” As he was talking, Malinda’s eyes had widened and gotten a hint of excitement and apprehension. Before she could say anything, he continued. “And before you say anything, I know this is going to take a lot of time and research. I can give you two months for research and a first trial, does that work for you? I’ll allot more time depending on how these next two months go.” Malinda mulled it over for a moment, thinking about just how much she was going to need to learn considering she only knew the basics about the dark creatures that were dementors, much less how to deter them. Eventually, though, she nodded and shut her book, setting it aside and placing both her feet on the ground. “I’m going to need to go shopping for books. I’ll check out the libraries to see what they have there first, and I’ll see if I can get permission to go into the restricted section and see if there’s anything else in there.” She paused for a moment, hesitation crossing her features. “Two months isn’t that long, Jay. I don’t mean to be a downer, but what if I need longer for the first version?” It was a question she didn’t really want to ask, but one she needed to. This was uncharted territory for her, and she didn’t want to miss anything. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there, Miss Upton,” he responded with a hint of warning in his voice to which Malinda nodded.

Once Jay had gone and the current potion had been bottled, Malinda made her way to the library in Hogwarts first. She figured it’d be best to start there and checked out every book that so much as mentioned Dementors. There were close to ten books in her bag now, and her next stop were the bookshops in Hogsmeade. They didn’t turn up much, but she found one or two books to add to the collection. For now, she was pleased with her haul, and while she wanted to go into London and keep shopping, perhaps head into Knockturn alley, she didn’t want to go alone, and she didn’t want to buy any books that would have repeat information. So she headed back to her “office” and splayed out all of the books across the coffee table. Her homework sat, untouched, on the floor by the armchair, and as she sat on the sofa, her gaze drifted to it. Her time was so thinly stretched already, and with all of the new, exciting projects she had going, she was finding that she’d rather spend time her work than with her school work. And she hardly had any time for her friends anymore. Malinda was finding that no matter the amount of work she has to distract her, her mind always drifts back and she starts missing again. May, who had too much stuff going on and didn’t need her roommate to be gone all the time when Malinda was clearly needed to help keep her head screwed on between trips to the forest. Nita, who’d she’d only just recently started getting closer with and missed a great deal. Marcus, someone she found both frightening and amusing and hoped to get to know better, if only to talk him out of eating every bug he came across. And PJ...mostly PJ, if she was honest with herself, which she didn’t want to be.

In an attempt to cut off that train of thought, she opened up the first book and waved her wand, lighting up the room a little more as the light from outside had dimmed significantly. The words weren’t sticking with her, though, she couldn’t keep her mind from drifting back. Occasionally, this happened, and she just had to let her thoughts run their course before she could get back to work. With a sigh, she dropped the book back on the table and leaned forward, placing her elbows on her knees and her fingertips at her temples, as though rubbing them would make the thoughts go faster.

Malinda didn’t like dwelling on these feelings. They were complicated and unnecessary. She likes PJ, that much she knew, but there was no reason she should still like him. Except there was, and deep down she knew that too. Admitting it, on the other hand, was damn near impossible. He was her best friend and she was almost certain that was all they would ever be. He’d never hinted at anything else, so why should she hold out hope? As she finished her thought, she could hear her sister’s voice in her head. You’re the bro, Mally, you’re everyone’s friend. No one wants to be just friends. You need to be more if you want anything with someone. But more wasn’t something she knew how to do. She couldn’t dress like her sister, wasn’t as sexual as her by any means, she didn’t want that. She already tried it and didn’t enjoy it like she thought she was supposed to. She just wanted someone to come home to at night, someone who loved her for who she was, someone who wouldn’t judge her for preferring to stay up and read or write than hold a mundane conversation. Someone who would listen when she needed to talk and wouldn’t judge her for rambling about nonsense. She’d found a lot of those things in her friends, most of all in him but still her sister’s words haunted her.

Elaine hadn’t always been the outgoing, promiscuous type, not that there was anything wrong with it, but their family and social expectations had changed her over the years. Malinda was the only one untouched by those expectations (for the most part), mostly because she’d watched all of her older siblings change and be warped into people she didn’t even recognise anymore. So what if she was the bro? Don’t people want to end up with their best friend? Or was she just better off being everyone’s friend and giving up these ridiculous fantasies? These thoughts alone she could handle, she’d done a fine enough job of it so far without any prospects for boyfriends or girlfriends and no hard-to-handle crushes. She’d had flings occasionally, but they were nothing more than a blip on her radar. It wasn’t what she wanted deep down, so she didn’t exactly have a feeling on it one way or the other. But now, she’d gone and invested a part of her in someone other than her roommates, and she wanted to take it back. These fears and doubts had never been attached to someone close to her. A part of her hated Elaine for always telling her she’d never find anyone, but mostly she hated herself for believing her. Without any proof otherwise, though, how could Malinda not believe her?

At this point, Malinda could feel the tears threatening to leak out of her, but she was not about to let this whole day go to waste just because she had a moment of weakness. So she tipped her head back and sniffled a little bit, hoping that the motions would cause the tears to go back inside her eyes and not return. She wiped away the few that managed to escape and pushed the thoughts from her mind. It was a problem for, presumably, the far future, she hardly needed to worry about a silly little crush right now. There were far more pressing things to get to. She was on a time crunch.

Setting her dreary thoughts aside, Malinda went back to the book she’d cracked open just a few minutes before. There wasn’t a whole lot in it that she didn’t already know from classes, but she took down a few helpful notes anyway. At least this way, she knew she wouldn’t forget it. Every book droned on and on about the same things, the very basics. What she needed were more than just scary stories and how to get rid of them. She interestingly noted that no one had actually killed a dementor, but wasn’t sure if it was actually relevant to her current project. Still, she did her best to take down all the notes she might have needed rather than just the ones she thought she’d need.

The minutes slipped into hours, and the hours slipped into the next day. Malinda skipped her classes and continued to give her research her undivided attention. Plus, she hadn’t done any of her schoolwork that had been due, anyway, so her best option was to skip a day and turn it in the next day instead with the excuse that she’d been sick or something. One of her professors had tried to talk to her about her grades, concerned that they would slip, but she’d been an “acceptable” or “exceeds expectations” student her whole schooling career, even though she could have easily been an “outstanding” one if she just applied herself better. So to compensate for her struggling to keep up and lack of time and patience, she’d just turned in work of a higher quality to keep her grades at passing. That was all she needed. As long as she turned everything in and explained her random days gone while keeping her grades consistent, no one asked her too many questions. She’d kept the job under wraps for the most part, too, to avoid further concern. People knew she had a job, but few people actually knew what it was or who it was for, and that was exactly how she wanted it.

Once she’d gotten through all of the books she had, Malinda looked down at her notes, frowning at how little there were. She’d hoped for at least five, maybe upwards of ten, pages of notes, and here she was, sitting with just about three and a half. She hadn’t been stingy with them, either, she wrote down anything that had been of use at all, what they fed on, what kind of people they were drawn to, how they came to be at Azkaban, how the ministry viewed them, that sort of thing. She’d left nothing out in the hopes that any of it would be useful. As she looked back to the pile of books on the table, Malinda sighed a bit. She’d even gone and gotten books from the restricted section, but even they didn’t have any new information. It looked like her trip to Knockturn Alley would be a little more necessary than he thought.

Quickly, she glanced at her watch and decided that she could squeeze in a train ride to London and back if she was fast enough with her shopping, so she grabbed her bag and darted down to the station to catch the next train. For a moment, she panicked, worried that she'd have to skip again the next day if she couldn't make it on the last train back to Hogsmeade. But she'd already missed two days, what was one more? Everyone was just under the assumption that she was sick, she could milk it if she had to. She pulled out her notebook and started trying to figure out how she could make a potion out of the knowledge she already had that this lady could take to ease her fear. The best option would be for her to make a potion that the dementor could feed off of instead of the actual person. Or less on the person and more on the potion. So she needed to find some way to create happiness and light that a dementor would find appealing. That part was a little hard, and she wasn’t sure about it.

By the time the train stopped in London, Malinda had a couple more pages of notes written down about how she might be able to make this potion work. Mostly, it was just a combination of known potions that induced happiness and love that might work as a fake soul from which they could suck the light. Only time would tell if it would actually work, but it was a good starting point. Malinda hopped off the train and headed toward the Leaky Cauldron and on into Diagon Alley. There were plenty of places Malinda could check in Diagon Alley for information on dementors, but she knew better than to waste her time there and went straight for the place that, for the most part, parents forbade their children from going. From the moment she turned onto Knockturn Alley, the light dimmed and the air got colder. It was a physically darker place, not just a magically darker one. Most of the shops catered to those interested in the dark arts, something she herself, wasn’t into, but knew that this potion would have to include dark magic if it was going to trick a dangerously dark creature. A shiver went down her spine as a man in a pitch black cloak passed her, but she kept her shoulders squared and her chin up with one hand on her wand at all times. There was no way she was going to be caught off guard.

Each shop she went into was more terrifying than the last, but just as equally fascinating. Malinda was clearly out of place in her muggle clothes and friendly demeanor compared to the much more conservative and traditional wizard cloaks and robes and silent and sullen exterior of those around her. People were more than willing to help her with her quest, though, and gave her advice that honestly chilled her to her core. There were a number of shops that weren’t able to help her, but they had personal or family accounts that were extremely helpful regarding how a dementor functioned and what drew them in. Malinda was fairly certain that a good portion of the people she spoke to should definitely have still been behind bars, but as uncomfortable as she was, she knew better than to say something. These people, whoever they were, and whatever secrets they harbored or shared were safe with her.

Her last stop before going back to the station was at The White Wyvern, a pub located beside a tattoo parlor she’d heard of before but didn’t know much about. There was a man in there than she’d been told to go find. He’d have more information on the dark creatures than what she’d be able to find in books, or at least that’s what she’d been told. He was one of the bartenders there, according to the locals, so she made her way up to the bar and plopped her bag down on the counter before climbing up into one of the tall stools. It was a bit of a task for her, it always had been, seeing as how she was so short. But still, she managed to do it with a small amount of grace and her dignity still intact. The bartender in question made his way over to her and gave her an unimpressed onceover. “What’ll it be, doll?” he asked in a deep, raspy voice. The way he spoke had a patronizing tone as though he expected her to ask for a pint of butterbeer. “Firewhiskey, please,” she responded with a smile, pleased when he saw the slight shift of expression on his face and the smallest hint of a smile. “And some information,” she added, watching the smile fade just as fast as it had shown up. “What kinda information’re you looking for? You some kind of auror or summat?” he asked, understandably suspicious.

Malinda shook her head and picked up the glass as he passed it to her, taking the shot quickly and pulling out her notebook right after to distract herself from the burn in her throat. She looked back up at the other man with a glimmer of excitement in her eyes as she explained herself. “I was sent here by a few people, said that a certain bartender might be able to tell me more things about dementors than what I can learn from books based on personal experience. I’m hoping you’re him,” she stated matter-of-factly, whipping her pen out and tapping it on the notebook. “It’s for a project,” she quickly added, hoping that he wouldn’t ask more questions. Carefully, the man looked around then back at her, Malinda, who was still eagerly awaiting the knowledge. He cleared his throat and nodded, leaning against the counter as though to make himself comfortable as he started telling his tale.

And, boy, was it thrilling. Malinda had taken notes of the whole thing from start to finish, it was almost verbatim. Not even the smallest of details slipped under the radar, she didn’t want to miss anything that could at some point be of use. How he was standing there before her, she didn’t know, from all her research, he should have been dead, he really should have been. It only made her more fascinated in it all, and put that much more interest into this project she had to complete. “Thank you for your time,” she said once she’d finished writing, placing her things back in her bag and hopping down from the stool. She dug in the pocket of her jacket and pulled a few coins from it, placing them on the counter. It was more than enough for the shot, but Malinda wasn’t just paying him for that. She was paying him for telling his story. As she glanced at her watch, she swore. The time had flown by faster than she had anticipated, and rather than travel back to the station by foot and bus, she apparated instead, praying to Merlin she didn’t splinch herself along the way.