#and lastly JESUS FUCK that’s the longest post i’ve ever written

[themeganator5000]

Underdog Growed-Up Headcanons

I started these way back in August when I first saw the movie and I just wanted to post them before “Ciao, Alberto” for, like, posterity or whatever. I’ll probably be coming back and adding to this for the rest of my life. This is sorta like a cheat sheet for my fanfics, a lot of body headcanons and relationship descriptions type stuff. Take this all with a grain of sea salt because they’re obviously just my own personal opinions, but I’m also extremely funny and always right, so keep that in mind too. And, yes, this is INSANELY long so let’s all hope that I can figure out how the read more function works.

Luca Paguro

One of the biggest differences between land monster and sea monster cuisine is that there is no sugar underwater. Or ovens. Or sweet and melty gelato or warm and toasty focaccia… Needless to say there’s a lot of delicious foods that Luca has been missing out on, especially in Italy, and he’s determined to try every one. He gets a bit chunkier in his older age. And while, yes, new and exciting human foods are a contributing factor, his genetics also play a part. All of his family members are rather stocky and heavily built and Luca is no exception. He still stays rather short, in comparison to his friends at least, but bulks up considerably into a soft, but sturdy, young man (think Harvey Guillén).

He keeps his baby face and the increased roundness in his cheeks only add to the effect. He would look absolutely cherubic if it weren’t for his body hair. He really has no more body hair than any other man, but the contrast of the thick, dark curls against his creamy skin makes it more noticeable than usual. And his cable-knit sideburns only stand out all the more as they frame his young and boyish face. He never tries to grow facial hair because he fears he might look too much like his father (he still gets some stubble from time to time, tho). He also has big, thick eyebrows.

He has glasses, but they are huge, chunky, 70’s ones and he only ever wears them for reading. Yes, he looks adorable, but even Luca knows that he looks extra nerdy with his glasses.

Abso-fuckin-lutely loves dumb fish puns.

L: Alberto, Alberto, listen to this.

A: ?

L: Okay, what’s the difference between a piano and a fish?

A: Uhh, I dunno?

L: It’s- it’s- you can tune a piano, but you can’t- *laughing* b-but you can’t- *laughing even harder* but you can’t tuna fish! *inhuman wheezing and snorting*

A: *slightly concerned, but adoring smile* Santa mozzarella, I love this man…

Luca clicks and chirps even in his human form whenever he feels especially affectionate or sometimes stressed. This is heavily inspired by the fact that clown loaches make clicking noises when they’re happy or territorial. It’s also sort of a stim for him, he’ll be studying for a stressful exam and start clicking with his teeth and Giulia will be like “????” and he’s like “ah sorry that’s just my pharyngeal teeth” and she’s like “your WHAT?!???”

He often chokes while drinking water because he’s not used to, like, not being surrounded by it. Drinking is a foreign concept to him (no i am NOT self-projecting my tendency to choke on water when i drink it, leave me ALONE).

He still rides his bike often or whenever he gets a chance. To and from classes, a ride to the beach to watch the sunset, stuff like that. He develops rather strong legs from it and while he could never beat Alberto in a foot race or Giulia in a game of football, he is the undeniable champion of bike racing. His legs are like tree trunks.

His arms are decidedly more fat than muscle, but that by no means means he’s weak. He is his mother’s son, after all.

Alberto absolutely adores Luca’s pleasantly plump physique. He takes to calling him pet names like “cherubino”, “angelo”, and (his personal favorite) “bismalva” [i don’t know what Italian people call marshmallows…]. Alberto also looooves to hug his wonderful squishy husband. If you thought he was clingy before, hoo-boy, you better watch out now! It’s a miracle Luca ever gets to breathe while Alberto is around. Whether it’s keeping an arm around his shoulder, holding his hand, or wrapping his tail around his waist, Alberto never lets go of Luca. Not that he minds it, of course! But, ‘Beto, please, I can’t reach my cup with you holding me like this. Alberto’s favorite spot to rest his head also just so happens to be wherever Luca’s tummy is.

They also both like to teasingly call each other “seppia” [cuttlefish] whenever one is being overly clingy or cuddly.

Luca especially likes to butt his head up against someone as a way to ask for affection. He does this a lot if he’s tired or stressed out or just needs a hug. Since he’s a good deal shorter than his friends, he’ll usually end up pushing the top of his head into Alberto’s chest or resting his head on Giulia’s shoulder. They both know this means he needs some love, so they’ll always wrap him up in a big hug or rub his back or whatever it looks like he needs. Luca is also very fond of nuzzling his face against Alberto’s neck or forehead. Sometimes he’ll laugh into Giulia’s shoulder or rub noses with Alberto. He’s like a ram, very face-first into affection.

Alberto Scorfano

Speaking of Alberto, he has also grown during his time in Portorosso. While he still keeps his tall and lanky figure well into his prime, he gains quite a bit of muscle from fishing with Massimo. Not quite as Herculean as his adoptive father, but definitely in the Disney prince category. But what he gains the most in his line of work is scars. He’s covered in them from head to toe and he’s got a story to tell for each one. Most of them are just from careless accidents like holding his knife wrong or bumping up against some fishing equipment, but he’ll be damned if Expert Fisherman, Alberto Marcovaldo, sounds like anything less than a legendary hero in his stories. Unfortunately for him, Giulia knows the truth behind most of his stories from their father and she’s always quick to tell Luca, too, so really any chance he had of impressing his love with tales of his daring feats of heroism is gone before he knows it. He still tries, though.

Luca always plays along and pretends to be astonished by Alberto’s tales.

L: “You really wrestled that shark all the way into the Deep?”

A: “Of course! And all he managed to land on me was this scratch on my knee.”

L: “Wow, ‘Beto, you’re so brave…”

G: “He tripped and fell on a rock!!”

The kids really enjoy his stories, too, but sometimes their parents don’t approve of how gruesome they can get.

He really is somewhat of a living legend. Luca, too, to a lesser extent. Being the first sea monsters to not hide themselves from humans will do that to ya. Everyone knows Alberto, either from the Portorosso Cup, Massimo’s pescheria, or his job as a lifeguard, not one resident of this small coastal town has not shared at least one friendly chat with this personable pesce. And everyone who knows Alberto, knows Luca. Whether he’s ever met them before in his life or not, they know him.

When he’s not teaching young kids how to doggy paddle or bragging about his incredible boyfriend to strangers, he is with Massimo. Massimo is a better father to him than he ever could have hoped for. He’s taught Alberto countless things, including how to cook and bake all of Luca and Giulia’s favorite dishes for when they return to Portorosso (although, he mostly makes things for Luca). The first time Alberto made tiramisu for Luca, he had been so excited that he gave Alberto a kiss on the cheek (they weren’t even dating yet). Since then, it has been Alberto’s personal mission to perfect every dessert that Luca has ever raved to him about in his letters or phone calls. And if Giulia wants some special pasta, he’ll make that for her too, I guess.

Massimo also teaches Alberto how to sing. Massimo usually sings along with his radio while he cooks and since Alberto started cooking with him, Alberto sings along with him as well. At first it was just a fun way to pass the time and bond with his father, but the more he practiced, the better Alberto got at singing. He hardly realized it until Luca heard him sing. It was… eye-opening for the both of them. Later, he asked Massimo about different singing techniques and how he could become a better singer. Massimo was surprisingly knowledgeable and taught Alberto all about opera singing and breath control and how to take care of your voice and bought him some records to sing along to. Even though Alberto never told him, Massimo knew that Alberto was learning to sing for Luca. And who was he to deny him of that?

On his sixteenth birthday, Massimo officially adopts Alberto. It was already well known that Alberto was like a son to Massimo and everyone considered him part of the Marcovaldo family, but now he no longer shared the last name of his abusive birth father. He was Alberto Marcovaldo, Master of the Sea! Alberto Marcovaldo, Savior of the Beach! And, most importantly, Alberto Marcovaldo, Son of Massimo and Brother of Giulia! He was finally part of a real family and, honestly, good luck topping a birthday present like that.

When he and Luca finally get married, he will become Alberto Paguro-Marcovaldo! A mouthful, maybe, but Luca Paguro-Marcovaldo will never get over the way he says it with such pride.

Luca’s pet names for him include cheesy things like “bello”, “caro”, and “amante”, but Luca’s favorite by far and the one that embarrasses Alberto the most is absolutely “Girolamo Trombetta” [from what i’ve heard it sorta means “twisty trumpet”].

Luca visits Alberto very frequently while he’s doing his lifeguard thing and one summer a group of younger kids overheard Luca calling Alberto “bello” and they just assumed that was his name so they started calling him “Signor Bello” and Alberto doesn’t know how to tell them to stop calling him “Mr. Handsome” and Luca’s over-amusement at the situation isn’t really helping, caro.

He and Luca can both lift each other up. Luca may be a chunky lad now, but Alberto is a big strong fisherman who can easily carry his boyfriend wherever he wants to go. for like a few minutes. Luca, on the other hand, may not be as strong as Alberto, but Alberto is surprisingly light for his size (he’s very aerodynamic), so Luca can hold him fairly easily and has been known to just lift him up and carry him away if Alberto is being disagreeable. Alberto’s favorite thing to do, though, is to sit in Luca’s lap while he cradles him like a baby. They look pretty ridiculous, a six-foot-something tall man being held oh-so-dearly by his 5’6ish tall lover, but Alberto feels so loved and comforted that there’s no way he could ever care.

In fish form, Alberto also loves to wrap his entire body around Luca like a big eel. Luca likes this, of course, but sometimes Alberto doesn’t realize how strong he is and Luca feels more like his prey than his boyfriend.

He does not brush his teeth as often as Luca would like. He also doesn’t bathe as frequently as he should, but that bothers Giulia more than it does Luca. Sea monsters have their own version of teeth cleaning, but they don’t really ever take showers or bathe like humans do. (Translation: Luca is GROSS and likes his stinky boyfriend’s stinky smell.)

Alberto goes back and forth on whether or not he should grow facial hair. On one hand, the man he looks up to the most in his life, Massimo, has a pretty righteous mustache that makes him look cool and rugged. But on the other hand, he is absolutely terrified that Luca will remember that one time he called Ercole a catfish because of his sad little whiskers and he doesn’t want Luca to think he has sad little catfish whiskers and if Giulia ever made that connection he would never hear the end of it so it takes him some time before he finally decides to keep a short, neatly trimmed mustache that makes him look suave and cool and basically like Robin Hood [Marcello Mastroianni maybe??] and DEFINITELY not like a catfish, Giulia. Luca thinks it makes Alberto look very handsome and he likes the way it tickles his face when they kiss (he’s very supportive).

Author’s Note: I don’t like it. I don’t think he looks good. I hate it actually but it’s What. Makes. Sense. He canonically tries to imitate Massimo and he’s a gay man in the 70’s of COURSE he would have a mustache.

He stays taller than Luca and thankfully his sister as well. Unfortunately, Giulia becomes an absolute beefcake so any power he held over her by being tall is immediately neutralized by the fact that she’s stronger than him. She’s only a bit taller than Luca (ok she’s maybe 5’8ish? {im 5’1 don’t ask me about heights 😖}), but c’mon, have you seen her father?

Giulia Marcovaldo

As was stated, she obviously grows up to be an absolute beast like her father. She gets her red hair and spunk from her mother and everything else? that’s her dad. Her hair is also almost always tied back in some poofy ponytail or messy bun. Eventually, though, she will decide to cut it to nearly pixie cut length because 1. it was getting out of control and her shorter hair is much more practical and comfortable and 2. Alberto was growing his hair out, too.

She ABSOLUTELY inherits her father’s eyebrows, of COURSE she does.

She definitely becomes an activist later in life. Her whole “evil empire of injustice” thing? The fact that it’s the 70’s now? How she immediately accepted Luca and Alberto and tried to protect them when she realized they were gay sea monsters? Yeah, you’ll be seeing her at quite a few marches and rallies, that’s for sure.

I’m still not entirely sure what I want her job to be, though. I like the idea of her as some kind of athlete, but there are so many other good choices as well. I’m not sure if she goes to college. Luca definitely does, but I don’t know about Giulia. For now, I’m fine with her becoming an Olympic triathlete and fierce gay rights activist on the side. Those might interfere. Sports are all about publicity, after all. Maybe that would make for some interesting character conflicts, who knows? (Edit: Nah, marine biologist Giulia all the way. Weird girl rights.)

She’s a lesbian, of course, and she has a girlfriend. I don’t know who she is yet, Giulia refuses to tell me.

Luca sometimes joins her when she’s working out. He says he just needs the exercise since he’s spends so much time studying (which is true), but really he wants to gain some arm muscle so he can carry Alberto easier. Giulia doesn’t really care either way and is more than happy to show her friend some exercise techniques.

Y’know, I had a thought the other day. I think Giulia is asexual. No real reason. I just think it fits her well.

I was also thinking that when Giulia grows up she’ll marry a sea monster. Again, no real reason why, I just think it’s fun. Giulia and her sea monster wife will adopt a child, maybe an abandoned sea monster egg, and Luca and Alberto will be uncles. That’s why Giulia should have a child. Luca and Alberto need to be uncles. Anyway, Alberto is always teaching his sea monster niece (why not a girl) how to do sea monster things cause he didn’t get to have that when he was growing up. He’ll growl at her and she’ll growl back and it’s the sweetest most adorable thing in the world, Luca did you see that she growled at me, Alberto’s heart is so full. Giulia is in general very supportive of this, but she does have to draw the line when her brother and two-year-old daughter come into her house with raw fish in their mouths, dripping blood all over the carpet.

Luca isn’t as naturally good with kids as Alberto is (no one is), but whenever his niece needs help with homework he is there to assist. You need someone to explain the laws of thermodynamics to you? On it! Need help with biology homework? Absolutely! Want someone to just ramble off on unrelated topics until you both forget what you were talking about and get very confused? He’s your guy! Giulia’s daughter learns to be kinda cautious about asking Uncle Luca for help with things, but she knows he’s genuinely very knowledgeable and really only wants to help.

I also thought maybe Giulia could become a marine biologist. I couldn’t think of a good reason why, but she hears there are many benefits to it.

Sometimes when Luca and Alberto fall asleep together on the beach (it happens very frequently), Giulia likes to play a game that she has affectionately coined “Beached Whales” where she screams “BEACHED WHALES!” and rolls the boys into the sea so that they wake up. Neither Luca nor Alberto really like this game, but eventually they become so accustomed to it that they just don’t wake up anymore.

Luca and Giulia both absolutely adopt each other’s swear words. Luca will see Alberto trip on the same crack in the sidewalk for the third time today and be like “Santa mozzarella, my boyfriend is an idiot…” and Giulia will be painting her nails and spill some on her already horribly stained carpet and be like “Ah, sharks.”

She and Luca are the type of friends that are so close that, if you didn’t know any better, you’d think they are married. They are, just not to each other (L: Well actually, there was that one time… A: exCUSE ME?!?!???). Luca is gay (Albertosexual, to be precise) and Giulia is an asexual lesbian, so obviously there’s nothing going on between them, but they still occasionally blur the line between friendship and romance juuust enough for Alberto to get a little worried.

Luca and Giulia: *kissing each other’s cheeks, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, etc.*

Alberto: *slightly panicked* Hey Luca, we’re still married right??

(Author’s Note: yes obviously he has nothing to worry about, Luca is just extremely affectionate like that. also i just think it’s funny to think about.)

Luca’s nicknames for her include “GIULI-IULI-IULIAAA!!!” (when he’s really excited), “Giulietta” (a classic), and “amica del cuore” (cause he’s a big softie). Alberto’s nicknames for her are “Giulie”, “Gi”, “sorellina”, and if he’s looking to get his tail fin ripped off “Spewlia”.

(Also: this is pretty much how i’m picturing them all. and this is just an incredibly beautiful and sweet piece of fanart as well <3)