#and knowing it means our friendship will always be fraught and complex and about so much more than just each other

[good-to-drive]

I'm sick of coming of age movies where the protagonist has his first romantic love I want more coming of age movies like Stand By Me (1986) where the protagonist finds his first dead body

[esmeraude11]

The Unknown is Nearby

Summary: "Our mother yet lives." Her own voice firm Findis watched, grief in her heart and pain tearing through her fëa, as her sister jerked away with a noise of disgust.

"Do you bear so little love in your heart, sister, that you would not avenge our father?" Írimë's voice was hard and cold. Her eyes were bright and pointed with her fury.

"Of course not!" Findis swallowed heavily. Her voice low with upset. Her throat was tight with tears as she stared down at the younger woman. "I will not go, Írimë, because I love our father so. Would you have me deprive our mother of all her children? Do you think he would want me to? My own son plans to go with you. Our eldest brother who loves our mother not but whom our mother cannot help but love-"

Word Count: 8188

on ao3

"Our father is dead!" Írimë's voice was sharp and keen and echoed in her rooms like the clarion bells of Valmar at high noon. Her cheeks were flushed red with emotion, her eyes bright with tears, and Findis could not help herself.  She stuttered forward a step and paused. Arms rising to- what, Findis did not know. All she knew was that she ached to wipe away her younger sister's tears. To take her in her arms and rock her calm and still as she had once so long ago in their youth when Irimë had been but a babe in arms.

Findis had been easily delighted then.

She had been the youngest of two for several decades and then suddenly elder sister to a pair of toddling babes within a few short span of years. She had taken to the task with a readiness that had mirrored her elder brother in all he did.

Írimë had followed Ñolofinwë into the world within a handful of years.

Her younger sister had been a surprise to Findis but she had been known to their parents. The two had been close enough in age as to be alike to twins and had been treated as two halves of a whole. The royal nursery had housed her younger siblings just as it had once sheltered Findis and Fëanáro when they had been the children's age. The pair had always been close. Closer than grief and bitterness could ever have truly allowed Findis to be with her elder half-brother.

Írimë's temperament had always complemented Ñolofinwë's. But her younger sister had never resembled Fëanáro more in that very moment. It was a troubling thought and yet comforting in its own way.

Írimë's sorrow rang so clear and true that it spilled out into the very air itself. But at the very least it was there in the open between them. Not burrowed deep within to fester.

Findis would not deny her relief at the sight.

Írimë would never struggle in quite the same manner as their elder brother did and Findis could not help but be grateful for that. Fëanáro's inability to recognize the complex tangle of emotions that haunted his every step had made every interaction fraught with tension. His difficulties relating to their younger siblings had led to Fëanáro eventually pushing them away in a variety of ways.

Her brother's grief and insecurities had led to much heartbreak within their family and it had poisoned his relationship with their younger sister. Findis need never fear the thought of a blade in Írimë's hands as she'd feared Fëanáro's. Írimë would never turn her grief towards her family.

Findis' thoughts turned towards the bundle she'd left on her bed behind her hidden under the coverlets. It was not yet time to reveal them. There was much that needed to be said first.

"Our mother yet lives." Her own voice firm Findis watched, grief in her heart and pain tearing through her fëa, as her sister jerked away with a noise of disgust.

"Do you bear so little love in your heart, sister, that you would not avenge our father?" Írimë's voice was hard and cold. Her eyes were bright and pointed with her fury.

"Of course not!" Findis swallowed heavily. Her voice low with upset. Her throat was tight with tears as she stared down at the younger woman. "I will not go, Írimë, because I love our father so. Would you have me deprive our mother of all her children? Do you think he would want me to? My own son plans to go with you. Our eldest brother who loves our mother not but whom our mother cannot help but love-"

It was an old grievance and one that had become bitter with time once the sweetness and innocence of youth had passed her by.

Her mother had always loved Finwë's eldest child even when Findis' half-brother had spurned all of her entreaties and affections after her marriage. She knew that her mother and brother's relationship had never been the simplest affair.

It was fraught with grief, fury, and tension. Serindë's memory would always linger between them. Her death would always taint what might have been.

Fëanáro, Findis could not help but think, had to have cared for her mother once.

Perhaps he had even loved her. For his grief and rage to be so profound as to carry on for centuries well into the next generation. For Curufinwë Atarinkë had inherited his father's disdain for Indis Vanimeldë and Morifinwë Carnistir had become restrained and distant with her mother where once before he had studiously learnt wordcraft and arithmetic at her feet just as Kanafinwë Makalaurë had once studied songcraft at her mother's side.

Findis would not deny that she cared for Fëanáro. He was, no matter what he thought, her elder brother. Half or not, he still called Finwë father and she had been raised to consider him as her sibling. She had known naught else for so long. It had been only the pair of them in those early sweet years of childhood.

She still remembered the young ellon, little more than a boy, who had allowed her to follow him about the palace. The elder brother that had tolerantly suffered her at his side pestering him with questions and giving answers in turn. He had been patient. Smiled often despite himself and tugged curious questing fingers away from certain danger.

He had taught her much in those days. She had learnt of the stars at his side. Her mother had sung to her the songs that had been sung by the Minyar in the long dark days by the Lake of Cuiviénen. But it had been Fëanáro that had taught her the Ñoldorin constellations and whispered to her the stories that had been passed down among their people from the days before the Great Journey.

A quiet and lonely child when not seeking validation and affirmation in a myriad of ways Fëanáro had clung to this unwanted and unasked for sibling as he would never do with the ones that would come after; once childhood had run its sweet course and adulthood had bitterly set in.

She had learnt metalworking at his side. Curiosity and a desire to be near her only sibling had driven her to study it. Findis was still capable of crafting fine jewelry and finer jewels but the craft had never been a true passion of hers. Not as songcraft and wordcraft were.

It had merely been a means to forge ties with her elder half-brother.

Fëanáro had been good with children even then. All while scarcely more than a child himself.

He had been kinder to her in those brief sweet years than he would later be to their younger siblings. Findis suspected that she had been more playmate than sibling in his eyes. For all that her father and mother had encouraged her to think of him as her brother, Fëanáro himself had been a contrary boy at times.

Rare were the days when Fëanáro called her sister. But she cherished them nevertheless.

Perhaps he had not yet known to hate her for her mother's blood.

Her brother had not yet feared the thought of losing his father's love. A sister was no threat in the way that a brother was and Fëanáro, motherless child that he was, had ever feared the loss of their father's love. Of his affection, perhaps.

Indis had been Fëanáro's mother in all but name.

Her mother had raised him. Cared for him and tended his hurts in the absence of Queen Míriel. Findis remembered the stories her mother would tell of far-away Cuiviénen; of laughter and love beneath star-filled skies; of ancient friendships and long-gone but ever-missed friends. She remembered a small dark-haired boy, older than her by several years, tucked against her in the nursery of the palace.

Fëanáro had never been too old for fussing. Not like other children.

Findis' own son had claimed to have outgrown hugs and kisses at that same age.

Fëanáro had never squirmed and complained when Indis had helped him into formal clothes for court. Nor had he complained then to find himself in clothing matching Findis. They had been two halves of a whole for such a short period of time.

The Statute had changed that.

Her brother had never feared her presence in his life. Not as he would come to fear Ñolofinwë.

They had been too young to fuss about the throne and their father's crown. But Fëanáro had been older when Ñolvo's upcoming birth had been announced.

Not yet an adult. But old enough to worry. Old enough to hear the rumors that had plagued the city in those days. They had shaped his views and had driven her brother away from them.

He had never thought to fear Findis because she was a daughter. Their father could not possibly replace him with a sister. Daughters filled a different space in one's family.

A son was not a daughter.

One might love them all the same. But they were not interchangeable.

Findis had never desired the weight of her father's name for all that it was hers.

Her mother had named her. Findis’ name was in homage to the love that had been allowed to flourish between Ñoldoran and Vanimeldë at long last so many years after their fateful journey across the lands of their youth. But, Findis knew, it had also been meant as a means to signify that they were two halves of a whole. One, the son of Míriel Serindë. The other, the daughter of Indis Vanimeldë.

Half-siblings, yes. But siblings nevertheless.

Írimë, alone of all her siblings, had escaped the token of burdensome affection that their parents had lain upon their children.

Findis had been content in the knowledge of her parents' love. Of the peace and gentle pleasure of her life in Aman. Findis would never fear for her life the way her parents had once. She would never need to worry about her next meal in the uncertain evenings of the land east of the sea.

Hers had been a charmed life. This she would readily admit. But it was one that had also pleased her parents.

Her father had named her Írien. And yet, desired or not, Fëanáro had not thought to fear her in those days. Not as he would their younger brother. The first of the sons to come that would share their father's name.

Findis had never cared for the throne and Fëanáro had not yet come to equate their father’s crown and throne with his love. For all his faults, Finwë had not yet been torn between his children's affection. Findis had been Fëanáro’s shadow in those early years. They had both been too young and sheltered to come to blows as Fëanáro and Ñolofinwë would in later years.

She did not think that Fëanáro himself had ever truly desired them. The question of who was to bear the crown was to acknowledge the possibility that their father might die. For what else could ever necessitate the need for any son or daughter to inherit the rights of the King of the Ñoldor?

Fëanáro was insecure in their father’s affection. Ñolofinwë longed for Finwë’s regard. The pair craved his affection and wallowed in their own anxieties.

Her father loved his sons. But he had always failed to understand them. He knew not the resentments that flowed beneath the currents of their love. Finwë failed to soothe their tempers and prevent arguments from turning violent.

Fëanáro loved their father too much to ever wish him dead. He would never desire Finwë's death for he knew all too well the grief of a parent's loss.

Ñolofinwë was stubborn and proud and every inch Fëanáro’s brother.

Those proud fools would never see eye to eye. But they loved their father too much to imagine a world without him in it.

She loved him, yes. But Findis could not say she liked the elf Fëanáro had become.

Fëanáro's fears of losing his father had come as a direct consequence of the Statute.

His mother would never return from the Halls of Mandos. Her promises broken, Findis' mother had been made a liar by the Valar's declaration. Ñolvo's birth had only exacerbated that. For their younger brother had been born in the wake of the Statute amid the spirited discussions of Marring and whether a Marred marriage meant Marred children.

The question had, of course, gone back to what exactly constituted Marring and what exactly a Marred child could even be.

Fëanáro's place in Tirion, in Aman , had never been more uncertain. Findis and Ñolofinwë’s own status within their society had been affected. Not quite to the extent as their elder half-brother’s but they were the children of a second marriage. Neither of them could have escaped being the subject of such scrutiny.

She could still remember the quiet conversations Uncle Ingwë had had with her mother during their stay in Valmar.

Exchanges had been held in the shadows of Taniquetil by people low and high as her father argued his case before the Lords of the West.

Ñoldor. Minyar. Teleri.

People had come from far and wide. From the forests and mountains that her mother's people had built their golden city upon and called home. They had come from the hills and dales that surrounded fair Tirion-upon-Túna. The city of the Ñoldor a jewel unlike any other settlement of the Eldar. They had come from the sloping beaches and marches that the Teleri had tamed and upon which sailed their swan-ships.

All come to witness the King of the Ñoldor kneel before the foot of Taniquetil and petition the Lords for the return of his first and still-beloved wife. For Finwë had ever loved Míriel as much as he did Indis.

Her father would have had his family whole and happy if the Lords would be so kind.

They were kind.

But they could not grant him this.

The people talked in the end. Of the Marring and the Marred. For her father had refused to name his marriages marred. To denounce a son or daughter as marred themself. The late Queen herself had refused to return. Citing illness and exhaustion and plain unwillingness as her reasons.

Still the people talked. For the question had been raised and could not be put back whence it came.

Uncle Ingwë had been torn between his faith in the Valar and the knowledge that his dear friend's son's place was threatened by these proceedings.

Her aunts were not so kind. Nor so understanding.

Ingwë's treatment of her elder brother had never changed. He loved Fëanáro's father too much to do so. But her cousins had not been so inclined. Nor had they any such fond feelings to hold them back.

They had been children then. Perhaps they should have known better. Ingwion had been of an age with Fëanáro, after all. But children could be cruel in their own ways and they had chosen to torment Fëanáro under the guise of friendship.

Her uncle had been furious. Had taken her cousins to task for their actions. But, she knew, Fëanáro had kept to her mother's side and shied away from interacting with others outside of their father's delegation ever after. Father had been cold towards Uncle for the duration of their stay in Valmar. She had been, perhaps, too young to understand the things that had been said between them. But she knew that mother had been upset.

Her father had thereafter refused to speak to her aunts beyond niceties for they had taken offense on behalf of their own children and had seen nothing wrong in their behavior to Fëanáro.

Uncle had not been the one to distress Fëanáro. He had not even known until after the damage had been done. But her parents had been angry nevertheless for her cousins’ mistreatment of her brother.

It would be many years hence until a rapprochement had been achieved between the High King of the Eldar and the King of the Ñoldor.

Findis knew that Ingwion regretted his actions now. She knew too that Fëanáro would not come to the palace of Valmar outside of official business. Nor would he speak with her elder cousin outside of his capacity as Crown Prince of the Ñoldor.

Never let it be said that Curufinwë Fëanáro did not hold to his grudges. Minyacáno would never be held in close confidence by the Crown Prince of the Ñoldor.

Mother had always been of the mind that Findis should be allowed to attend meetings at Valmar. She and father had carefully ensured that Fëanáro would not be left alone to navigate her uncle's court.

Indis loved her sisters. But the Queen was well-aware of their views. Naltarë had always been kind. There was no other more goodly or gracious woman in all of Valmar than her uncle’s wife. Of all her cousins, Findis had always held Naltatári in the greatest esteem for she was the most like her mother and their tempers complemented one another.

But Findis knew the sorts of views that her aunts, Ingwairë and Calimë, had infected her cousins with.

Her mother had scarcely allowed Fëanáro to wander the palace without a diligent servant at his side.

Ingwion would never accost him. Nor would he allow their cousins to do so. But Fëanáro's trust had been broken as a child and for all that he was welcome in the palace he would never be comfortable within her uncle's golden halls. Not as Írimë and their brothers could.

Findis had often intercepted her cousin so as to allow her brother to gracefully flee the area. Ingwion could not deny her polite conversations nor would Fëanáro ever accept an apology from him for childhood cruelties thoughtlessly given.

It was, perhaps, an unwanted kindness. But it was one that she was capable of giving him.

Findis had taken up the majority of such functions over the years and had become her father’s ambassador to the Court of Ingwë. Arafinwë had always favored Olwë's court above the other great cities of Aman. Her brother could now be found in Alqualondë more often after his marriage to Alquawendë. It was fortunate, perhaps, that Ñolofinwë was not so fond of Valmar as their mother and that he clung fiercely to the white marble of Tírion's court.

Fëanáro would not have taken kindly to their younger brother leading the Ñoldor's meetings with the Minyar. Even so he had taken a dim view on Ñolofinwë's easy manner in Tírion.

No, Findis did not like the elf he had become. She would always mourn the boy he had been.

But... Findis thought she could understand. She too understood the longing and anxiety that distance between parent and child wrought upon one. Finwë Ñoldoran had loved them all. But their father had always favored Fëanáro most of all his children.

Nothing could ever have changed that.

"Then why? " Írimë's voice was rough with anger and filled with confusion.

Findis gentled her voice as she continued.

"Fëanáro is leaving and he takes with him all his sons, Írimë. Ñolvo has pledged himself to our brother and his children will follow. Arvo himself has chosen to join you. His children are eager to cross the sea and step foot on the land our own parents once knew. Artanis will not say. But I know she desires a crown of her own.

"Our mother is with child. It...." Here her voice betrayed her. Fleeing as tears spilled down her cheeks. She did not sob. Did not wail with abandon. No. Her shoulders remained straight, her spine firm, as she met her sister's disbelieving gaze.

"I-I did not know." Írimë stuttered. Her bright eyes widened with surprise.

"No one does. Just you and I. Ammë did not know until recently. Long after Atar's last visit to their summer home on the foothills of Valmar. I will not leave her to grieve alone in our uncle's court and bear her child, our youngest sibling, alone. Father cannot be there and so I must."

"I am sorry." Her little sister faltered then. Írimë's expression fell. Her mouth growing thin and tight. Eyes soft and shiny with unshed tears. Her unhappiness was visible on Írimë's face as she stood before Findis.

Findis found it difficult to refrain from comforting her.

Something within her ached deeply at allowing such feelings to go unacknowledged. But Írimë would not welcome her comfort. Not now. So soon after their father's death and not as Findis explained their mother's plight to her.

"As am I, sister." Findis paused here. She laid her hands across her belly, fingers folded together, and sighed. "You cannot ask me to join you. Our father no longer has need of us. But our mother does.” Írimë’s mouth opened.

“Sister-” Írimë’s voice crackled with outrage. Her grey eyes flashed silver as ire stiffened the proud set of her shoulders. Findis paused, and her hand rose, her sister faltered at the sight.

"No, listen to me, Írimë." Findis’ voice hardened, and her eyes closed, the faintest stirring of a growl curled at the edges of her voice, as the other shifted away. Her sister's mouth snapped closed, her face flushing slightly at Findis' tone.

"I cannot sway you from your path. Nor will I even make the attempt. You are an adult and many centuries have passed since your majority. You can make your own choices. But you cannot begrudge me my own.” Her tone softened and her hands parted in supplication, "I do not know if we will meet again after this. Certainly, I cannot say that we will reunite as we are. I pray that you will not die across the sea. That Mother and I need not wait for whatever word Morimando might deign to share or your re-embodiment from the Halls. But I would not have us part on such unhappy terms." As she spoke, Findis took in the sight of the elleth before her.

Írimë was dressed in tunic and trousers.

Gone were the purple gowns and the gold-embroidered blue mantle that her sister had favored at court. Her boots were the practical sturdy sort that travelers and smiths wore. Neither likely to fall apart or allow an injury should something heavy fall onto her feet. The fabric of her tunic was purple still. Lightly embroidered with shimmering golden thread their father's crest was emblazoned proudly across her breast.

Findis recognized it as a piece that she had made herself. A gift for Írimë's last begetting day. She had toiled long over the tunic. Learnt the Minyarin method of dyeing at Naltatári’s instruction. She had spun and braided the threads that had gone into the tunic whereas her cousin had made the fine embroidering thread that Findis had worked into the fabric once the tunic had been pinned and stitched in place.

Purple had always been Írimë's favorite color, Findis knew. It was something that she shared with Fëanáro’s second eldest. She wore it now in memory of Finwë for their father had often preferred it himself.

Her younger sister often wore blue in solidarity with Ñolofinwë. Írimë would always favor Ñolvo above Fëanáro. Not that Findis would ever begrudge Írimë that. Írimë had never known the boy that Fëanáro had once been. She only knew the elf that he had become.

She would never know the ellon that had caught the attention and affection of Aulendil’s eldest daughter. The Fëanáro that Nerdanel loved was the Fëanáro that Findis had known best in her youth.

Findis had always been fond of the older elleth.

Nerdanel Istarnië was perhaps the only person in all the land who could match Fëanáro word for word. She was a deft hand at wordcraft and Findis had spent many evenings in the other's workshop as she worked her way through sheets of parchment and vellum with Nerdanel’s low even tones helping to pave the way to understanding.

Nerdanel was known for her gentleness. Her even temperament. Few knew that the woman was as fierce and steadfast in her way as Fëanáro.

Nerdanel’s friendship with Indis Vanimeldë was no well-kept secret. But Findis’s own actions in ensuring that it endured her elder half-brother’s hostility towards her mother was.

Fëanáro was proud and stubborn and an absolute fool at the best of times.

But his wife was not the kind of individual to bend before pressure. Nor was she the sort to allow another to dictate her actions for her.

There was a reason, after all, that Istarnië had decided to remove herself from Formenos and returned to her father’s house in the eastern quarter of Tirion. Had things not gone on as they had, Findis was certain that her brother would have reconciled with his wife in short order.

Fëanáro could never outlast Nerdanel in an argument. His wife simply had to wait for his temper to cool and for the man to miss her enough to return and beg her forgiveness.

Well it would never happen now. Too much had changed and Fëanáro would not turn away from his path.

Findis smiled sadly at the thought and drank in the sight before her.

Írimë's long dark hair was drawn into a thick braid. Pin-straight locks carefully woven with the delicate silver threads that their father had once favored. Findis knew their mother had often helped him weave his hair into thick plaits.

She knew very well what the silver thread had represented to him. To them.

Írimë wore them now in memory of their father. The heavy plait was allowed to curve over her right shoulder and down her front. Findis knew that soon enough her sister would lift the braid and bind it so that it curled around the back of her head.

A darkly gleaming crown to grace Írimë's head. A sight that would no longer complement courtly dress but would soon favor armor and leather.

Írimë looked as though she were the common journeyman that Fëanáro had once freely traveled around Aman as. There was little of their mother on her person.

But....

The Queen of the Ñoldor shone through on her youngest daughter's face in the smallest of ways.

Írimë's bright laughter was hers. The shape of her nose and the delicate arch of her brow was Indis the Fair's. Her jaw was Finwë's but the lop-sided curve of her smile was their mother's. Her sister's hair was the same glossy black of their father's but she shared their mother's sharp green eyes with Arafinwë.

For all that Írime was so very proudly Ñoldor in her bearing and appearance. She was still a daughter of Indis' line and she would never deny it. Same as Fëanáro would never deny his own mother.

Findis knew that her mother could not quite bear to look at her now. Not when her pain and grief was still far too fresh. She could not help the bitterness that fluttered through her at the thought. She knew that there had been days where Indis could not bear to look at Fëanáro.

Not because of his bitterness or his hatred of her.

No. Her elder half-brother was said to closely resemble his mother, the late Queen Míriel. The dark sheen of Fëanáro's hair and his silver-bright eyes announced him as their father's son. But Fëanáro's smile had grieved her mother's heart as much as it had gladdened it.

And yet...

Her mother had done her best to push past her own grief so as to offer what comfort Fëanáro might be willing to accept from her. Which had been far too little in the end.

Findis knew that she could not compare this new grief to the one that had long-haunted both of her parents.

For she knew that her father had sought to lavish his eldest with the love and affection that he had been unable to offer in the beginning of Fëanáro's life. He had thus neglected his younger children by doing so. Unintentionally. Unknowingly. But it had been so.

Indis' grief had been borne of loving a woman that had been a dear friend. Findis could not say what her mother had shared with Míriel Serindë. But it was strong and deep enough for her to take the other woman's child into her heart and to keep loving the heartbroken boy despite the hardship of such a task.

Findis bore her mother's golden hair and fair look. She shared the Queen’s love of green fabrics. These she paired often with Minyarin cloaks so bright and rich a gold that they were near indistinguishable from her own golden locks. These cloaks mirrored the beautiful golden mantles and half capes that her uncle had gifted her father in the Eldar's earliest years in Aman.

Her siblings had all adopted the particular shade of gold that belonged to their father alongside their own preferred colors. She, in turn, favored cream alongside her greens and golds.

Though her mother was known to wear a splash of brilliant red from time to time. Much to Fëanáro's unhappiness. That particular shade of red that he had long since claimed had once been Queen Míriel's preferred color, after all.

Findis shared with her father the silver-gleam of his eyes.

She was her mother’s mirror-image. Findis need only stand by the Queen’s side and none would be able to tell them apart. The shape of her brow was her mother’s but Findis arched it in the manner of her father. Her smile was a mirror of the King’s. Her laugh echoed his.

Every inch of her had ever marked her as Indis Vanimeldë's daughter. Despite this, few were the ones who would say that Findis was anything other than a daughter of the House of Finwë.

Her mother had once jested that should she dye her hair Findis might be mistaken for Finwë by all and sundry. She took so clearly after her father.

Her father had been delighted by the jape. But Fëanáro had not been well pleased and Indis had regretted it deeply. He had not spoken to her for days afterwards.

Fëanáro prided himself in his resemblance to his mother. But he could never deny his own feelings of inadequacy at the lack of such towards his father.

Ñolofinwë took so strongly after their father that many had easily mistaken her younger brother for the King of the Ñoldor. This had not helped temper Fëanáro's insecurities.

Arafinwë, however, was made in their mother's own resplendent image. The sharp golden beauty of the Minyar shone through his face. He too had Indis' delicately arched brow and her fine mouth. His laughter was the Queen's bright effervescent trill. His hair fell in a delicate wash of waves as rich as the light of fair Laurelin. He was Ñoldor in character and bearing. But he carried their mother's Minyarin mannerisms as well as the cuts of cloth and colors that she favored.

That same lovely temperament that Findis had taken so much pride in growing up was the reason why her mother could no longer bear to look upon her now.

She was glad that of her siblings Írimë was the only one among them that had chosen to see her in Valmar.

"I don't.." Írimë's voice was soft now. Findis could hear the frustration that thrummed within.

"I cannot go with you, nettë." Findis sighed and reached out to grasp her sister's hand. Fingers running gently over the hard curve of the ring that graced Írimë's hand. A smile touched her lips as eyed it.

It was a slender thing. Made of pale shining silver. A deep blue stone, finely carved and shimmering in the meager light of Findis' rooms, was set firmly within the molding. One could see the delicate lines of their father's crest shimmering through the stone from the bearing of the ring.

The jewel had been cut in such a way as to allow light to glimmer through its facets down to the engraving without damaging the beauty and clarity of the gem itself. It had been a gift from their father. A magnificent piece of Ñoldorin craftsmanship and gifted to Írimë on her hundred and fiftieth begetting day.

Írimë never left her chambers without it on her finger. Just as she never left home without their mother's starling clasped on her riding cloak.

"Findis...you could if you wished." There was no plaintive whine in her sister's voice but Findis could nevertheless hear the grief that clung to the younger woman's words.

"Our mother is in a delicate way now, Írimë. She was our father's strength. She gave all she had to keep our father in Aman in the wake of Queen Míriel's death. And now....she must grieve her husband and suffer the loss of children and grandchildren all at once. I pray that she will not have cause to truly grieve you and the rest of our family. But it would surely break her to lose me alongside you all."

Írimë's mouth was drawn into a thin unhappy line. Her skin wan and waxy in the flickering light of the candles scattered about Findis' chamber.

"You will watch over her?" There was a plaintive note hidden within Írimë's voice now.

Findis smiled.

"Of course, Írimë."

"Lalwendë." Her younger sister laughed. Her eyes brightened. The lines of her face lightened as she lifted Findis' hands to press a kiss against her knuckles. "How many times must I remind you, Findis. I would rather that you call me Lalwendë."

"At least a baker's dozen more, I should think. I will need the reminder after all." She allowed her smile to soften and eased a hand from her sister's hold. She pressed the palm of her hand against the curve of Írimë's jaw and leaned in to kiss the curve of her sister's brow. "You were and are and shall always be Írimë to me."

Írimë's smile faded in return. A solemn air surrounded her as she straightened. Her fingers closed more firmly around Findis' hand as she worried her lip. Warmth suffused her, however, and Findis could see fondness in the curve of her eyes and feel it in the light touch of her sister's mind against her own.

"Then...I will simply have to remind you a dozen more times before I leave. So that you might keep me in your memories and remind yourself in my absence."

'I love you.'

Írimë did not say aloud. But Findis could see it in the gleam of her eyes and the worried quirk of her lips. In the set of her shoulders and the strong grip of slender fingers around her own. She could hear it in the touch of Írimë's fëa against her own. It brought to mind the rustle of leaves and the silent steps of slippered feet on polished marble.

Írimë had ever loved dancing and Findis could feel the echo of it within her sister's fëa.

"I..." She faltered here. Tears gathered in her eyes. Mouth quivering slightly as she struggled to speak the question that burned at the back of her throat.

Her strength nearly failed her then.

But Írimë released her hand to grip her arms by the elbow and leaned forward.

"I will watch over Laurefindelë for you." Her younger sister's mouth was curved into a faint grin. Eyes bright and reminiscent of the emeralds that their mother had long favored. Of the jewels that Findis had packed away for Írimë to take with her. Things to gift her own sons and daughters should she have any beyond the Sea. Gifts from an aunt that they might never meet. "I will treat him as though he were my own."

Tension that she had not quite realized was there fled in the wake of her sister's promise. Findis nodded, relief filling her as she allowed herself to be drawn into an embrace.

"Thank you." She breathed against the delicate curve of her sister's ear. She felt more than saw the smile that softened Írimë's mouth.

"We will meet again. Just you see, Findis. We will avenge our father. Perhaps Ñolvo and Fëanáro will have finally made amends. Arvo will return triumphant to Eärwen's arms and they will have a half-dozen more little golden cygnets in celebration. Atar will have returned from the Halls in the meantime and Fëanáro will be too overjoyed to declare war in return at the realization that he's been beaten by Arvo in the goal of a dozen children. And perhaps..."

Írimë's voice was filled with warmth and joy for the future as she tightened her grip around Findis. Arms curled snugly around Findis' waist and lower back. Her breath ticklish over the shell of her ear. "Perhaps I'll have a husband or wife for Atar to meet. Or, more novel a thought, no spouse at all!"

Findis smiled and squeezed Írimë tighter and laughed in return.

"Perhaps."

"All the more gifts to shower your own children with upon my return. For I fully expect you to give me more nieces and nephews to spoil rotten." Her sister's voice had grown softer. The touch of her mind light and happy against her own. Findis pulled her younger sister closer and sighed into the curve of her neck. Wistfulness filling her as Írimë's hands wrinkled the gold-embroidered green brocade of her skirts. A familiar action that had infuriated her when she had been younger. Findis had lost many fine dresses to Írimë's clumsy hands.

Findis drew back.

"I have a few more gifts for you, dearest." Írimë's eyes brightened at that. Sorrow giving way to curiosity.

"Oh?"

Findis could not quite keep her smile at bay at the eagerness that clung to Írimë's voice. Her younger sister had always looked forward to Findis' gifts. It seemed that would never change no matter how old Írimë became.

"I am not Fëanáro. Nor can I boast Curufinwë's own skill with smithcraft. But I too once studied forgecraft in my youth. Fëanáro was my first teacher. Back in the early days of our youth when all griefs were nearer and yet furthest away. And once our brother began to wander further afield from Tirion in his journeys I advanced my knowledge of the art in Aulendil's guild."

Írimë straightened. Her sister's eyes widening as Findis stepped back and bent to lift that which she had kept hidden until now. Oiled leather gleamed in the lamp light as silk slid off the surface like water. The delicate blue-tinted light of her brother's creations glittered across the embossed sigil that had been worked onto the scabbard.

"Is that..." There was fear and awe in Írimë's voice now. It thrummed underneath the shock that permeated her being.

"I would have you bring this to our brothers. I cannot go with you. But I will not allow you to go unarmed. Never will I step foot on the lands our parents once knew. But you will not go without me." Findis turned and met his sister's gaze. Solemnity lay across her shoulders and she could see the moment Írimë took stock as she in turn straightened and nodded.

"Findis..I-Thank you, truly."

Findis felt herself soften. Sorrow leaching into the air around them as she ran her fingers over Ñolofinwë's heraldic star.

"Do not thank me, dear one. These were forged in secret. The art of swordcraft was one that I painstakingly studied in Fëanáro's own home when Nerdanel was free to let me come. He never knew and surely would have denounced me as a traitor and thief if he had. But long have I known that there would come a day when the need would arise for such things as these. I find no pleasure that the time has come for our people to bear arms against another. Alas. That it must be done at all."

Findis gripped the pommel tight with her left hand and pulled. The blade slid cleanly from within the metal core of the scabbard. The blade was revealed inch by inch heralded by a light ringing aria until Findis could hold the blade up to the light.

The blade caught the fine blue light of her half-brother's lamp. She was as bright and radiant as the stars outside the window. Findis' smile caught the sharp edge in reflection and she peered down at her sister. There was a delicate sort of pattern that ran down the length of the sword's blade. One highly reminiscent of her elder brother's own craft. But where Fëanáro's sharp steel showed banding and mottling in the fine rose patterning that had been the talk of Tirion after the fright of drawn blades and banishments, Findis' was like flowing water and rippling ice.

"The blade I hold in my hands. It is to be named Ringil, after the tower of old, and I would ask that you deliver her to Ñolofinwë. These are the finest works of my hands. Greater even than the songs I have sung or the poems I have penned and the histories that I have spilled like ink across newly bound books. I have poured much of my own fëa into her creation. She is not the least of that which I would offer you for I would know that you and Arafinwë carry these into the lands beyond the sea. I cannot follow but I would still offer you what protection I can." Findis laid Ringil down against her table and turned.

She drew the next set forward.

"Two blades?" Írimë's voice was filled with curiosity and Findis heard the shuffling of feet as her sister stepped closer.

"A matched pair that I saw in a dream." Her voice soft as a psalm Findis sent the other a smile. Her palms laid flat against the winking star atop the fine purple dyed scabbard. "Turëahromë and Elesilmë I named them. They will serve you well I should think."

Írimë's eyes lingered on the pair. Her eyes were bright and hungry as they peered down at them.

Her sister had never counted herself among Lord Oromë's great hunters for she had always been faithful to Lady Vána. But it was not Fëanáro for all his journeyman wildness that had taught Tyelkormo the beauty of the woodlands surrounding fair Tírion. Nor was it Anairë, passionate hawker that she was, that had taught Írissë to ride a horse with all the grace of a dancer.

Her sister enjoyed the hunt. She was the fairest dancer in the city and had learned to dance with horses as well as her own feet.

Many forgot, however, that her laughter heralded not only her joy but also the excitement of the chase.

Findis shifted aside. Her hand rose to sweep across the room. Her attention riveted to the glittering spear that leant heavily against the tall frame of her bed.

"Almamaurëa is to be Arafinwë's own weapon." Írimë's gaze left the delicate silver-gleam of Elesilmë's blade to catch on the newly revealed weapon. Findis' Songs of Power had left the metal stained a delicate shade of rose as though she had poured rose-gold into the molten concoction that had formed the base of the steel.

"Oh? It is lovely!"

"Beautiful as the dawn." Findis agreed. "She will serve our brother faithfully and nobly across the sea."

'I hope. I wish....'

She could not help the feeling that not all would be well. A doom lingered on the horizon. Darkness lay before the paths of those who would leave Aman's fair shores.

But her sister stood before her still. Her mother, unhappy, unwell, but safe in her uncle's home. Her brothers were all preparing themselves and their followers for war. But they were still here. Hale and whole and not entirely happy but they were alive . Which she knew was all that could be asked for now.

Her son and nephews and nieces would soon leave with their king.

Findis had studied and written down the stories of her parents and those who had chosen to make the Great Journey from Beleriand to Aman. She knew all too well that safety did not lie on the horizon.

Fëanáro would not be greeted on the shores of Beleriand with glittering gems on white sands.

Her family was battered and soon to be separated by far-reaching waters and overbearing darkness. Findis had done all that she could. Fëanáro would never accept a weapon forged by her but Findis could and would at least see her younger siblings armed. They would bear some piece of her beyond the sea. Something that would remind them of her and her love.

She would await their return. She would pray and petition the Valar in their absence for their continued good health.

She could not follow them but Findis would not abandon them. Not so long as she yet drew breath and the pride and fury of her family's line coursed through her veins.

Írime and her brothers would all return in some fashion. This she was certain of. She would see them all again one day far in the future. Findis would await that day eagerly.

She hoped that someday she might introduce them to the child her mother would bear. She would care for those of her family that remained in Aman and would do her best to keep the memory of her siblings and their children alive for those who remained.

She had hope. Bright and effervescent and frail.

But hope, nevertheless. And Findis would not doubt. Not now. Not when the darkness had only begun its encroachment.

She had faith that all would be well in the end.

Írimë would return and Findis would kiss her cheek and greet her son with great cheer. That was the vision that she would cling to during the dark days ahead. She would sing of Fëanáro's rare smiles and Ñolofinwë's brilliant grins and Arafinwë's laughing eyes to the babe in her mother's belly.

How could she imagine aught else but that?

Findis' heart could bear the wait. She would bear it.

Findis' smile brightened. She cupped her sister's face and hummed a sweet gentle note.

"Come back to me soon, dear heart. Ammë and I will wait for you. Bring our brothers with you. For we will wait as long as we need."

"I will try." Írimë's sharp emerald eyes flashed with amusement. Her voice echoed with laughter as she tilted her head into the curve of Findis' palm. "Fëanáro is stubborn, however, and staunchly refuses to acknowledge our relations. It will no doubt be easier to bring Ñolofinwë and Arafinwë to Tírion once the war is over than to draw our half-brother from the Hither Shores after all is done and over with."

There was only the barest hint of bitterness in her younger sister's mirth. Her grief a shadow as she met Findis' gaze. Findis smiled in return. Pressed a kiss soft as a butterfly's wing against Írimë's crown and hummed.

"That is all I ask."

She would carry the memory of this moment with her for as long as she needed to. Until her sister's return.

The darkness would not linger. Nor would it drown them.

The Enemy would fall and their father would be avenged. This she felt deep within her bones.

They would be victorious and all would be well in the end.

This Findis knew.

She welcomed that day and hoped to see it soon.

But for now she would cherish this moment and she would do her best to imprint it deep within so as to never forget. Írimë's crooked smile, her glittering eyes, and gleaming dark hair. Her sweet scented embrace and the rich cloth of her tunic beneath her hands. The silver-gleam of a sharp blade held loosely confidently in a fine-fingered hand. The star upon breast and scabbard glittering under the wan-light of the lamp in Findis' chamber.

Findis would never forget and the day would come that she would no longer need to cherish such memories.

'I will always love you.'

She allowed the shape of the words to form within her mind and imparted them upon her sister through the lightest touch of osanwë. Írimë buried her face in Findis' neck. Fragile joy fluttered through her mind and Findis' smile widened. Her hands wrinkled fabric as she tugged the other closer.

The future was forever in motion. But her love was eternal. It would not falter.

She would never falter.

'The day will come' , Írimë's voice filtered into the very corners of her mind. It will come and we will be together once more. Her sister's fëa filled then with a tenderness that warmed her. It echoed of laughter and innocent joy. Of determination and wide-ranging devotion. Findis could not help but take comfort in her sister's words.

Findis would wait for them.

She could do nothing else.

[writcraft]

Racism, Tone-Policing and Speaking Out in Fandom

Unequivocal condemnation of fanfic or art that glorifies or romanticises the Nazi regime and/or promotes a narrative which erases its significant horrors feels like it should be an easy position to take. A no-brainer. This wasn’t an example of art designed to make us uncomfortable or to provoke discussion; it was an unthinking, romanticised depiction of a regime that committed galling atrocities, swiftly followed by the lightwashing of a canonically black fictional character. We inhabit an online space where misinformation travels rapidly, where white supremacism thrives. This should be a something people can publicly condemn without worrying unduly about any potential backlash. 

The fact that even speaking out on this topic has caused people - including queer, Jewish people - to feel silenced, attacked, tone-policed and chastised as they share their reaction to something they consider abhorrent is symptomatic of a much broader issue in fandom spaces broadly and it is that which I want to talk about in this post. I don’t want to conflate racism in fandom with the now two instances of Nazi-themed Harry/Draco art, but I think a lot has been said on the latter and want to take the opportunity to use what has happened over the last two days as a jumping off point to think about the former. When it comes to callout, to speaking out and to our responsibilities as fans, I think there are important connections. 

The unfettered protection of freedom of content creation is something I have passionately defended and will continue to do so throughout my time in fandom. This is demonstrated by the spaces I have either created or moderated for several years, most notably HP Kinkfest and HP Horror Fest. However, protecting that position is often the point at which conversations get closed, the trump card played to end all other discussions that might make us - and by us I mean white fans like myself - uncomfortable with the conversations being instigated. I’m not convinced that ‘unfollow me now’ posts are ever particularly helpful, as they have an air of performative allyship about them, leading to echo-chambers and knee-jerk responses, and one thing we are particularly bad at these days is engaging with any difficult topics with nuance.

As ever, this post is long, and there are some resources at the end should you wish to keep reading.

Difficult conversations in fandom are those which force us to critically interrogate our own modes of fannish engagement, and the extent to which we listen when invited to consider if the things we uphold as progressive are really progressive at all. Perhaps the fallout from this latest debacle is a good time to sit back and consider the things we speak out about, the things we don’t speak out about, the centering of white voices and perspectives, the privilege that comes from being able to leave certain discussions to other people simply because they are difficult and, by extension, the groups we expect to take on the responsibility and emotional labour involved with speaking out. Perhaps this might prompt us to examine the way we react to things without thoughtful critique of broader socio-political structures in place that become part of fandom’s hierarchy of conversation and content creation.

It is not enough to react to a something that creates a visceral response from the majority of people in a fandom but then ignore the less comfortable questions that flow from it. To assert a position on extreme examples of something that is not okay but then refuse to listen to people who express discomfort about things which might harsh your own fannish squee or might force you to consider the less instinctively obvious ways you might be contributing to racism in fandom is an inconsistent, safe way of engaging with the complexities that come from critiquing fandom spaces. The appearance of now two pieces of art that provoke almost universal fandom-wide disgust cannot be the only time we actively demonstrate an interest in expressing vocally that racism and white supremacy has no place in our fandom spaces.

We are ten years on from Race Fail ‘09 yet conversations around race are still being derailed, tones being policed, POC fans being portrayed as particularly angry, impolite or prone to complaint. I have seen this happen on multiple occasions, where the platform for critical discussion of content creation in fandom has been stripped away, or people have been silenced, in pursuit of protecting the fun part of fandom, the right to produce content unfettered, protecting the ability for women to create uncensored. I fundamentally believe the latter is an important, joyous and political act of fandom experience, but it loses some of its politicised resonance when that starting point is used to silence others trying to start critically nuanced discussions. 

Freedom of content cannot be the point at which we disavow ourselves of any responsibility to question the things that inform our own perspectives. We cannot allow our passionate defence of that position to cloud our ability to listen to other perspectives. I’m not here to protect the children, but we must not conflate resistance to conservative-leaning narratives that advocate for sanitised and problem-free content, with the issues fans from marginalised groups try to raise about the way fandom has work to do when it comes to having proper conversations around queerness, race, misogyny and so on. We cannot on the one hand rush to condemn a pretty obvious issue, and on the other fail to think about the other questions it raises because it might stop us from having a good time.

The difficult conversations that spring to mind – the ones that get immediately shut down – include thinking critically about objects of fandom, the tendency to approach questions of social justice through an American (frequently white) lens, the continued dominance of white, cis-male slash ships, inability to critique - or listen to critique of - the things we love when canon or creators make decisions that leave people distressed. The conversations include thinking about how fictional characters are romanced or sanitised to the point at which their fanon portrayal erases any of their past political choices, tokenism, shutting down conversations around racebending and failing to understand why – for some POC fans – that doesn’t feel representative when it is handled unthinkingly in fanfiction produced by white authors. 

To refuse to engage with these questions often involves shouting over or silencing people who are trying to explain why something makes them uncomfortable in pursuit of protecting freedoms afforded to us as we create unfettered content. I’m not suggesting that we should not be free to create content – we are, all of us – aware of the slipperiness of that particular slope, but with that freedom comes a responsibility. If we care about the voices frequently talked over within our fandom, we – and I include myself in this – need to be better at listening when people force us to examine our own modes of engagement. This involves taking the time to conduct our own research, to take that responsibility upon ourselves instead of expecting others to educate us. It involves researching political posts we put on our blogs together with assessing the fandom content we produce and engage with. Are they accurate? Are they correct? It involves labour, time taken to educate ourselves, and balancing speaking out with knowing when that becomes speaking over, knowing when to sit down, shut up and listen. 

I am writing this because I have been culpable. On many occasions I have remained silent on issues or refused to confront difficult situations for fear of losing friendships or to protect my own status within fandom. I have found certain conversations uncomfortable and have therefore avoided them altogether for fear of being seen as a trouble-maker, or someone who is trying to police or gatekeep fandom content whilst simultaneously wanting to so fiercely protect freedom of content creation. I have had several friends call me out on this, and my discomfort with taking on fraught topics when feelings are involved is something I have had to re-examine. Thank you to the friends who have challenged me on this. It is a brave thing to do, something I haven’t always responded well to, and I appreciate you for a much-needed dose of honesty. This post by @dictacontrion (rightfully) made me uncomfortable because it has called me out. In particular, this:

If we are not willing to speak up and take action, if we are not willing to risk our comfort, risk our status, risk our ease in order to defend freedom and equality, than we are not defenders freedom and equality. If we are not willing to speak up and take action in defense of our principles, our principles mean nothing.  

I am working on my own methods of fandom engagement. I apologise for all of those conversations I have taken myself out of because they were hard, and I promise I will strive to do better. As noted above we are a decade on from Race Fail, but these patterns continue to occur. I want to conclude by noting that the perspectives I have outlined above do not come from my own work. They come from the – often free and emotionally exhaustive – labour that has been put into raising these issues and asking those difficult questions within fandom space and within the broader sphere of fan studies. The work of Dr Rukmini Pande, Stich’s Media Mix and the many guests that have featured on @fansplaining episodes have been instrumental starting points for me and I have included some of the links below for that I would encourage people to consider listening to and reading together with exploring the links in the show notes and the Twitter accounts, blogs and tumblrs of the featured guests.

Episode 22A - Race and Fandom Part 1: Fansplaining’s Flourish and Elizabeth follow up on the last episode’s questions about the impact of racism in the Star Wars fandom—and how it’s a microcosm of fandom at large. They interview Rukmini Pande and Clio, and they hear clips from Holly Quinn, Shadowkeeper, and PJ Punla. Topics covered include the historical presence of fans of colour, space nazis, femslash and its discontents, and the Filipino perspective on the whiteness of media. 

Episode 22B - Race and Fandom Part 2:  In the second and final installment of Fansplaining’s “Race and Fandom” episodes, fans of colour continue to speak about their experiences in fandom. Elizabeth and Flourish interview Jeffrey Lyles and Zina, then hear clips from Roz, Traci-Anne, and zvi LikesTV. Topics covered include being Black and Jewish, Star Wars weddings, cosplaying characters of color, and why kink is never divorced from the real world.

Episode 89 - Rukmini Pande:  An episode where Dr. Rukmini Pande, a fan studies scholar whose new book, Squee From the Margins, explores race in both the field as well as fandom at large. Topics discussed include defining the boundaries of “fandom,” how queerness and gender structure fan studies while race typically does not, closed vs open digital platforms, how fandom discussions of racism are often relegated to “crisis points,” and more.

I also recommend the Transformative Works and Cultures Journal special edition on Fans of Color, Fandoms of Color (Vol 29 (2019)) which is freely accessible and edited by Abigail De Kosnik and André Carrington. 

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Raising Hell (15x02)

I swear, every time I see Buckleming's names attached to an episode of Supernatural, I try to keep an open mind. I try to believe that they'll pull out a decent episode, which on occasion, they have managed to do. But this one... Gosh. I don't even know where to start.

Cons:

So crowded! Always with the so, so crowded! There are so many things going on in this one episode that it's like I can't even catch my breath. And I do not mean that in a good way. We've got Rowena, we've got Kevin, we've got Ketch, Amara... all of these reappearances should have been really fun to see, but instead they are all so jumbled up and very few of the moments actually have the impact they should.

A main example of this is Kevin. What a lackluster return for such a beloved character! He's there, the boys are glad to see him, he depressingly leaves because apparently he can't get into Heaven since he's been in Hell this whole time. So that's... sad, and pointless. We find out in this episode that all this time, when we thought Kevin was at peace in Heaven, he's actually been in Hell because... Chuck is a dick, I guess? There's no explanation given for why God put Kevin in Hell. And now he's here, he's used as bait, and he decides to leave and wander the earth as a ghost because it's better than going back to Hell. Why would you bring back a fan favorite just to make his ending much sadder?

Also, Ketch and Rowena's sexual tension thing was so uncomfortable. This is part of another big problem I have with Buckleming episodes. Their dialogue is just bad. Not always, not every line, but there are enough awkward, stilted moments to make me cringe. All of the stuff with Rowena and Ketch was like that. There were clumsy exposition moments, and things that should have felt fraught and emotional, like the boys' reunion with Kevin, fell extremely flat. There are exceptions to this, and I'll talk about them in a moment, but for the most part even the stuff in this episode that would have worked, came across as much less than it should have.

And that's just an overall issue with this episode and others like it. So much happens, and as individual pieces, there's a great deal of potential here. But when it's all crammed together, it can't make a whole as strong as its parts.

Pros:

There are exceptions to what I've been saying above. Basically, the only things I can praise about this episode are little snippets, moments in the chaos that cut through the overcrowded and yet still lackluster totality.

Let's start with Chuck and Amara. I love that we're seeing a more human-ish side to Amara, which makes sense if she's been spending time in the human world, playing craps and getting massages in Reno. Chuck is hanging around because he's not at full strength, and Amara, when she realizes that he just needs her because he's hurt, decides to ditch him. It was cool to see her being a bad-ass who isn't about to stick around and take care of little bro. Chuck as a villain works so well, because we can now see every benevolent action he's ever taken over the years as just part of his game. He liked the Winchesters because they were interesting, because they did what he wanted and kept him entertained. Now, for the first time, he's in a weakened position and he truly doesn't have control. It seems clear he wants to write this world off and move on, but he's not at full strength, and Amara is his only hope. I'd love to see more of her, as she might be the solution to the need for an all-powerful being to help our heroes in their fight against God.

We see a brief moment where Sam and Chuck appear to still be linked through their injury. This is leading me to the natural (and devastating) conclusion that Sam will need to die in order to defeat Chuck, the ultimate Big Bad. We'll see if Supernatural decides to go the tragedy route. I really hope they don't, but in any case, I'm up for the angst along the way. We see that Dean is still tracking Sam's injury, and Sam is trying to brush it off as no big deal. Oh, this is going to hurt so good.

While I have many, many problems with the way Rowena was written in this episode, I continue to find the interplay between her and the Winchesters fascinating. These actors do a masterful job of conveying the complexity of their friendship in small moments, even when the script itself does not substantiate the relationship much. Dean and Rowena share a look of understanding and respect as the episode ends. Sam and Dean both seem genuinely grateful to see her, and it's telling in and of itself that she showed up to assist. Her ally-ship with the Winchesters is in some ways a lot more interesting than Crowley's relationship with them was in the later years. She's not still pretending to be their enemy, and yet of course she's not just their buddy with no complicating factors involved.

The same can actually be said for Ketch. So much about the British Men of Letters plot line was botched a few seasons back, but Ketch came out of it as a somewhat interesting relic. I like that he and Dean have this weird yet natural-seeming camaraderie. Dean was willing to shoot him when he was possessed, and Ketch doesn't seem to have hard feelings about that at all. They're just... like that. I could do without the Ketch/Rowena thing, but I wouldn't mind seeing Ketch around once or twice more this season (although, let's be real, it would have been kind of hilarious if Dean had actually killed him).

I'm disappointed in how little we got of Kevin, but it was still lovely to see Osric Chau. It's so cute to think of him having like... street cred in Hell because God himself sent him there. And as sad as his fate is, maybe there's a way to spin it in future episodes? Even if it's just a cameo, they could give Kevin a happier ultimate fate, depending on how this whole show winds up.

I've saved the Destiel of it all for last. See, when you get episodes like this, that are frantically paced and full of characters and action and plot, the moments that work the best are always the ones that slow down and take a beat, allow for the characters to shine and relationship dynamics to be explored. So here, we have Cas' only real scene in the episode - he's mostly just a background character, except for this one key moment, and it's one of the episode's only truly quality scenes. Not just for the fact that it involves Dean and Cas staring at each other while soft music plays in the background, and they have an angst-y talk about their relationship. I mean, all of that was great and my soul ascended instantly to heaven or whatever. But what's really great about this scene is the way it's solidifying the arc of the season, specifically the motivations and feelings of Dean Winchester, our protagonist. He said much the same thing to Sam last week, and here he's reiterating it to Cas - what is the point of anything? Was anything they've ever done real? If Chuck was pulling the strings all along? I think it's going to be particularly difficult for Dean to get out of that mindset, and it doesn't help that he's still angry with Cas. For Jack, for Mary. And he's still angry at the world for screwing him over. Again.

So yeah. For obvious reasons, I freakin' loved that scene, and I can't wait to see more of Cas and Dean's relationship angst for the rest of the season. I'm not quite naive enough to expect a romantic confirmation, but I do hope that their bond gets a focus in this final season. And while this episode wasn't exactly a winner in my books, there were plenty of little moments within it that make me excited about what comes next. And that promo... oh gosh. If Sam has to kill Rowena I'm going to cry so many tears.

7/10

[charminglatina]

THIS IS AN EXTRA LONG POST!

I have written two previous posts about why Bughead is one of the worst ships on television right now (check the Anti-Bughead tag on this site and you will be able to see them). Like I stated in my previous posts, there are many reasons to dislike Bughead as a couple. Every time I say that I’m done listing my reasons for disliking this couple, more reasons just continue to pop up in my mind. Here’s another 10+ reasons why I don’t ship Bughead and why they are currently one of the worst written couples on television.

Bughead is a rebound relationship: The fundamental truth is that Bughead’s relationship is a rebound relationship. Are we just going to conveniently forget about the fact that for over ten memorable years, Betty was entirely in overwhelming love with Archie and had planned on wanting to be with him in a romantic relationship in 1x01? Are we just going to brush aside that Betty finally developed the guts to tell Archie how she felt for him after secretly pining away for him since they were kids? Are we just going to completely neglect or erase the fact that Betty made a love confession to Archie and informed him how she felt for him and that she has always cherished him? Betty has loved Archie for years. She genuinely wanted to be with him romantically. It was invariably the boy that she considered as her true love and soulmate since she was a little girl. It was the boy that she assuredly had this extraordinary deep connection with, stronger than anything that she has experienced. How am I to sincerely believe that Betty could move on from Archie so quickly just like that and then jump into another complex relationship with Jughead when it’s blatantly apparent that Bughead is undoubtedly a rebound relationship? Betty has never loved anyone other than Archie in her life. Then suddenly, it’s like she just forgot about her genuine feelings for Archie and then declares Jughead as this epic love?? It makes zero sense whatsoever. Betty jumped into a passionate relationship with Jug so fast after confessing how she felt for Archie. How can people not believe that it is a rebound relationship? Nobody moves on like that after being undoubtedly in ardent love with someone so intensely for so long. One specific episode, Betty is eagerly telling Archie she doted on him her whole life and then four episodes later, she is impulsively kissing Jughead like Betty admittedly having emotional feelings for Archie never happened in just the previous chapters before? Because of Bughead being undoubtedly a rebound relationship, their relationship looks instantly rushed and seems naturally forced. The undeniable fact that the writers refused to indeed develop Bughead into a proper romantic relationship with a personal journey and emotional development makes Bughead look even more like a rebound relationship. It’s like the writers merely randomly threw Jughead and Betty together in a link because they instantly wanted to abundantly prove that Betty was over Archie and had promptly put her romantic feelings for him behind her, but I’m sorry, that is undoubtedly horrible writing. Bughead looks like a rebound relationship for two fundamental reasons: 1.) Betty nonetheless harbors unresolved feelings for Archie. We didn't see her get over Archie throughout considerable time. We never essentially witnessed her have any specific kind of profound reflection on what her complicated feelings for Archie meant for her and how it undoubtedly changed her. She candidly confessed how she felt passionately for him in the first episode, and after 1x02, it’s like it was conveniently forgotten and never spoken about again. 2.) Bughead is too rushed, and Betty moved on too quickly after promptly telling Archie how she ultimately felt for him. I understand it’s normal to want to move on when the object of your affection doesn’t reciprocate your affections, but this was just way too fast. I understand this is fiction and all, but if Betty is going to move on and jump into another relationship with Jughead, at least make it look realistic and make it make sense. At least execute Betty and Jughead to have some proper development and make their relationship grow before they start fervently kissing each other and tearfully confessing to each other that they are epic love and soulmates and blah, blah, blah. There are so many unresolved things about Bughead that make them look like an apparent rebound relationship. Because of this, I’m uncertain if Betty is just merely projecting her love/genuine feelings for Archie onto Jughead and her relationship with him. It causes me to wonder if Betty is living her dream relationship with Archie through the current relationship she’s in with Jughead. BUGHEAD IS UNDOUBTEDLY A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. 

Bughead is the worst ship or portmanteau name: The ship name “Bughead” is one of the ugliest ship names I have ever heard. I mean, who on earth could ship a couple with the portmanteau name “Bughead”? The ship name sounds like a couple that typically has nasty ass hygiene and undoubtedly has head lice regularly. I mean, couldn’t they be termed something else? Aren’t there better ship names for this couple instead of something that is named after head lice? I know precisely it’s an entirely absurd and shallow reason for me to hate Bughead positively, but the ship name is ridiculous on so many appropriate levels. But, on the other hand, I'm unsurprised that Bughead invariably has such a hideous ship name. It’s fitting that such a gross, mediocre and boring couple like them possess such an ugly ship name.

Bughead is first love: In my candid opinion, Bughead isn’t true love or great love. It’s first love. Bughead reeks of the typical high school first love relationship. Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with first love. Many of us have experienced first love at some point in our lives. We likely experienced it during our teenaged hormonal years where we thought that the person we were in a passionate romance with at the time was going to be with us forever and we were going to get married and live happily eternally after. Uh, newsflash. The majority of people rarely, if ever, end up with their first love or high school sweetheart. First loves are first loves for a specific reason. Bughead is the epitome and standard definition of a relationship that is first love. Their codependent relationship is based on passionate impulses and a distinct lack of proper planning. Bughead instantly rushed into their relationship without any conceivable kind of accomplished journey. That’s what first love is. Bughead is based precisely on puppy love and foolish infatuation. It isn't true love. True love is so much stronger and deeper than Bughead could ever possibly comprehend. Allow me to properly break down the fundamental differences between first love and true/great love: First love is typically cliche and high school. True love is mature and evolving. First love is based on infatuation and youthful idealism. True love is based on deep love/meaningful connection and emotional realism. First love is based on violent impulse. True love is based on sustainable development. First love is based on uncontrolled lust/consuming passion. True love is based on deep love and social bonding. First love is based on committing ill-advised and foolish decisions in the name of love. True love is based on being rational, planning and thinking carefully before executing key decisions. First love is based on a noticeable lack of personal trust and dishonesty in a problematic relationship. True love is based on trust, straightforward honesty and effective communication between two people. Do you undoubtedly see where I’m going here? Bughead provides all of the essential qualities of a first love relationship. First love relationships are careless, reckless, and impulsive. First love relationships lack the unbreakable bond of love and deep connection of love required for a long-lasting romantic union. It is precisely why I genuinely believe that Bughead won’t last and why they aren’t endgame; because Bughead isn’t a true love/great love, it’s the first love. Bughead naturally lacks the substantial connection and deep, everlasting love of a true romance. They lack the maturity that is required to make a long-lasting romantic union. They lack mutual trust and uncompromising honesty in their complex relationship. Betty and Jughead are constantly concealing secrets from each other, lying to each other, not communicating with each other. These are all qualities that don’t exist in a relationship that is one of the true loves. First love is also incredibly toxic and problematic. They constantly fight with each other. There is much tension in this kind of relationship. Everything is based on impulsive feelings. It is what Bughead stands for. Bughead is toxic because it’s naturally a first love, not true love. If Bughead were true love, their fraught relationship wouldn’t be as problematic as it is respectively. They wouldn’t have so many problems and issues in their relationship on a non-stop basis. Bughead appears to be a first love relationship because of the significant lack of organic chemistry and mutual passion. Many first love relationships don’t necessarily have palpable chemistry and passion. It’s like a lifelong friendship but with gentle hints of romanticism in it. It is pure Bughead. Now, I’m not declaring anything negative about being in first love relationships. I admittedly had a first love too. And I genuinely believed I was going to be with my first love for the rest of my life and I would live happily ever. But that’s merely not reality. The fact is statistics have shown that the majority of people DO NOT end up with their first love or high school sweetheart. It’s because we as genuine people are constantly changing and evolving tremendously and growing abundantly with considerable time. And that includes growing out of our first loves and high school sweethearts. Bughead is typically the first love and therefore, I don’t think they will be a long-lasting union. Jughead and Betty are going to mature, they are going to change, and they are going to grow up and realize their relationship isn’t something that is meant to last forever. Even now, their stable relationship is naturally starting to grow stale and distant because of how impulsively they got together in the first place. Eventually, first love fades instantly. However, true love never fades. That’s why I reasonably believe that Barchie is true love. Because unlike Bughead, Barchie essentially has gradual development and a unique journey. True love takes time to develop; it’s not something that is rushed into. First love is a sprint, and true love is a marathon. And Bughead = Sprint, Barchie = Marathon.

Barchie has more history in comparison to Bughead: We all popularly know that Archie and Betty have known each other since they were innocent kids. They have history and have a powerful, deep bond unlike any other two characters on this show. Archie and Betty grew up next door to each other as they were next door neighbors. They recognize each other better than anyone, and they intuitively understand each other better than anyone. Betty has been in unconditional love with Archie since childhood. Those are the kind of feelings that don’t go away. Also, Jughead has been friends with Betty and Archie since they were kids. But Betty was always way closer to Archie than she was to Jughead. The fact that Betty didn’t know when Jughead’s birthday was or has never met Jughead’s father before merely proves that Betty didn’t have that same history with Jughead than she did with Archie. Barchie having a more authentic history and a more inseparable bond than Bughead definitely establishes them as superior and instantly puts them on a level above Bughead. Affirmative, Bughead knew each other as kids, and they invariably have some history, but it’s nowhere near as strong as Barchie’s history. Barchie secures a lifelong bond and meaningful connection that is so much stronger, undeniable and deeper than anything Bughead ever has. Betty knows Archie way more and much more in-depth than she knows Jughead. Betty can read Archie like a book, and she comprehends him the most out of anyone, including Jughead. And the same is believed the other way around. Archie correctly understands and knows Betty way better than Jughead intimately. He perceives how she operates, how she ticks. He knows how to make her happy naturally, or how to make her mad or how to make her upset. Archie encourages all of Betty’s buttons, whether they be positive or negative. There’s just so much about Barchie’s superior connection to Bughead’s. You can tell by looking at Archie and Betty and when they interact with each other in scenes that there is so much history, companionship and genuine love there. But when I watch key Bughead scenes, I don’t feel there’s the same depth or history that Barchie have. It is one of the key reasons why I genuinely think Barchie is superior to Bughead. Because of that strong friendship and kinship that Archie and Betty have, they have a substantial basis and foundation for an epic romance in the future. 

Betty loves Archie + has unresolved romantic feelings for him: Come on guys. There’s undoubtedly no possible way that Betty doesn’t have some unresolved romantic feelings for Archie after all this time. It is the girl that spent the majority of her life loving Archie in secret, fearful that if she told him the truth about how she felt for him that it would change everything between them. Betty most likely felt that if she expressed to Archie her genuine feelings about him and that she cherished him romantically that it would end up destroying her friendship and relationship with him. Going by what happened in the pilot episode, she was somewhat precise. When Betty finally gained the courage to tell Archie how she felt for him, Archie freaked out. Archie didn't expect the girl that had been his best friend since childhood, the girl that he had been next door neighbors with since the tender age of 4 years old, would ever have felt so deeply for him. When Archie told Betty that he couldn’t be with her and he adamantly rejected her after her love confession, Archie stated that his apparent reason for being unable to be with her at that key moment in time was because he felt he wasn’t good enough for someone as perfect and amazing as her. Betty was heartbroken by Archie’s conscious rejection, and she didn’t take it too well at first. On top of it, she was seriously envious of Archie and his attraction to Veronica. Here’s the key thing: there is undoubtedly no possible way that Betty Cooper has stopped loving Archie Andrews. THERE IS JUST NO WAY. Nobody loves someone for that long and so deeply and merely forgets about that person or about appreciating that person. You don’t just stop loving someone like that especially when you treasured them so much for so long and have been naturally through everything together with them. There is no doubt in my critical mind that Betty still has overwhelming feelings for Archie, but she has allegedly placed them on the backburner for Archie’s sake. Betty moved on from Archie so fast, and she moved on with Jughead, but that doesn't mean she has stopped loving Archie because she hasn’t. Do you understand how I know? Because every important time that Betty is in Archie’s vicinity and presence, Betty cannot stop smiling and beaming with happiness. Whenever Betty is around Archie, she glows. She beams with genuine love and fierce pride when she looks wistfully at him. She inevitably delivers him this different sort of smile that’s for him and nobody else. Now, that’s not to say that Betty doesn’t love Jughead. Of course, she does (and I say that as someone who hates them as a couple and doesn’t ship them at all.). But, it doesn’t alter facts. Betty is still in love with Archie. She hasn’t dealt with those unresolved feelings for Archie that she has felt since she was a child. You can’t completely expect me to believe that Betty has lost all the romantic feelings that she had for Archie and has entirely moved on with Jughead, because I don’t buy it. The reason why I nevertheless think that Betty is in love with Archie is because of the lack of chemistry, romanticism and passion between Jughead and Betty. Bughead is together, but something is undoubtedly missing. I feel like Betty is solely using Jughead as a replacement or placeholder for Archie. She is projecting the kind of passionate romance and relationship that she genuinely wanted with Archie onto her relationship with Jughead and it shows. Do I genuinely think that Betty loves Jughead? Sure. But I don’t necessarily think it’s a passionate, romantic love. I think Betty wants what she feels for Jughead to be romantic love, but it isn’t. Whatever she feels for Jughead is a comforting illusion. She’s in love with the fundamental idea of Jughead and loving him. She doesn’t love him the way she loves Archie unconditionally at all. As long as Archie is nearby, Betty will inevitably have those lingering feelings for him. That’s never going away. Betty can attempt all she wants to abandon whatever she felt for Archie, but a love like that never fades. And I think deep down, Jughead sees it. Otherwise, why would Jughead always act so insecure regarding Betty and Archie? Why is he always suspicious and self-conscious? Why did Jughead tell Betty that he knows she is with him until Archie realizes his feelings for Betty to which Betty would have no issue discharging him for Archie? Because it’s an essential truth. Betty would throw Jughead in front of a Mack Truck if Archie reciprocated even 5%-10% of Betty’s romantic feelings. I can never accept Bughead for this particular reason, and I can never ship them for this very reason. I can’t just brush aside 10+ years of complex history between Betty and Archie. I can’t just brush aside the fundamental fact that Archie and Betty naturally have this strong, deep and undeniable bond and established a connection that has been formed and developed since their childhood. I can’t just brush aside the fact that for 10+ years, Betty loved Archie so much and wanted to be with him. How am I to willingly accept Bughead when all these harsh facts remain a genuine reality? I can’t just accept Betty loves Jughead more than she does Archie because it’s just not the case. She doesn’t, plain and simple. She thinks she does, but that’s because as of now, Betty is settling for Jughead because Betty knows she can’t have Archie. Archie is currently emotionally unavailable because he’s been in a relationship with Veronica for two seasons now. And the objective truth is, Archie genuinely loves Betty deep down too. He doesn’t acknowledge it or wants to comprehend it yet. He doesn’t want to accept the fact that he loves Betty because he has such a strong sense of self-doubt and self-hatred. He thinks himself as imperfect and indecent, not good enough for the suitable girl next door Betty. But what Archie doesn't realize is that loving Betty and accepting that he loves Betty is his journey and path to self-acceptance and most importantly, to self-love. Archie won’t learn to appreciate and accept himself until he sufficiently learns to love and willingly accept Betty. And this is precisely why Barchie will happen naturally and why I sincerely believe they will end up together in the ultimate end. Case in point, Betty still loves Archie, and that will never change, no matter how hard the writers try to revise history to rewrite things. 

Bughead is a cliche relationship: Bughead is typically such a cliche type of relationship. Ordinary girl next door falls for the edgy boy from the criminal side of the tracks? The reasonably popular girl falls for the loner boy who is anti-social and doesn’t fit in with the norm? Cheerleader falls for the weirdo? Their relationship is the epitome of a cliche. Bughead’s relationship is nothing new. I have seen this type of relationship many times in fiction, and it’s nothing exciting or unusual. Now, I’m not saying that any of the other relationships on Riverdale aren’t cliche in their way. Barchie could equally be considered to be cliche as well. The girl next door (Betty) falling passionately for the boy next door (Archie)? Cliche. The cheerleader (Veronica) undoubtedly falling for the popular football player (Archie)? That’s equally cliche. The industrious poor, loner boy (Jughead) gradually falling in love with the beautiful, popular rich princess (Veronica)? Yep, that’s cliche too. It’s not about the critical fact that Bughead is a cliche; it’s how they are written that bothers me. Bughead is written as a cliche teenage love. It lacks considerable depth and profound significance. I feel like Jughead and Betty just jumped into a relationship out of desperation. Many high school relationships typically happen on impulse, and Bughead’s relationship represents impulse. Bughead is a cliche relationship because it lacks excitement. Their specific dynamic is nothing original. They are from opposing sides of the spectrum socially and economically. Betty is the wholesome, cheery, upbeat girl next door and Jughead is the intense, brooding, melancholic loner. To me, Bughead reeks of the second coming of Dan/Serena (Derena) from Gossip Girl. Dan was traditionally a loner and social outcast from Brooklyn. But he craved to be romantically involved with Serena, the lovely, popular girl from the Upper East Side of Manhattan, from afar. It’s a similar situation with Jughead and Betty. Jughead is the loner outcast from the Southside who experienced an infatuation towards Betty, the sweet, girl next door from the Northside. Boring. Not only is the fundamental dynamic between Bughead been seen in many forms of modern media over the established decades, but the substance (or lack thereof) of Bughead’s relationship is what causes them to be incredibly cliche. Their relationship is extraordinarily shallow and hollow. They are acting out a typical high school teenage mini-drama. They are consistently fighting, then breaking up, then fighting again, then breaking up again, and then getting back together. Now that Bughead is seemingly past that specific stage of competing with each other and breaking up and then getting back together in a vicious cycle, their complicated relationship has presently become a cliche bore and dullard. In season 3, the writers have written themselves into an obscure corner where Bughead is concerned. It’s like they don’t recognize what to do with this couple anymore except continue composing them as the same, cliche, dull investigative couple/duo that they’ve been for the past two seasons now. Bughead is cliche and is a typical high school relationship because their relationship is based precisely on puppy love and foolish infatuation. Bughead is already acting like they are going to be together forever and are going to get married and it’s all great rainbows and unicorns. EH, WRONG. Bughead naturally has the same mentality that the considerable majority of all first love relationships and high school relationships have in common. They retain this sense of idealism in their minds when it comes to their relationship. Bughead is not based on realism and reality. It’s base on an elaborate fantasy. Jughead and Betty are only 16 years old, yet they are acting as though they are 40 and married. They are moving too much like an elderly married couple. Jughead and Betty seem to think they are set in The Notebook. They seem to lost in their world, and they don’t realize everything else around them. That is what traditionally makes Bughead an unrealistic, shallow, typical teenage high school relationship. It is why Bughead won’t endure or make it as a long-lasting romantic union. Because like I said in a previous point, Bughead is a first love, but it’s not a true love. Bughead and their relationship are nothing special, outstanding, epic or extraordinary. To me, they’re just another cliche good girl/edgy boy couple that many young females within society like to live out fantasies. They are just another accurate representation of what high school love, first love, and teenage relationships are. Bughead is cliche as hell.

FP & Alice (Falice) had romantic + sexual history: Are we just going to overlook the fact that FP and Alice had a romantic fling back in high school? Are we just going to brush aside the fact that FP and Alice not only hooked up in high school but they, also, produced a long lost son together? It appears as though history is replicating itself with regards to the Jones men hooking up with the Cooper women. In the present. For all one knows it’s merely me, but I find that history is repeating itself romantically and sexually between the Jones and the Coopers very unsettling, bizarre, gross, and weird. It naturally makes Bughead look borderline incestuous. Because of FP and Alice’s fling back in high school, they had a son together, which means that Jughead and Betty share a half-sibling. That traditionally makes the whole web between the Jones men and Cooper women even grosser and disgusting. It’s indeed strange, and it doesn’t sit comfortably with me that Jughead's father and Betty’s mother experienced an affair with each other back in high school and now, the kids are emulating their parents. I don’t know about you, but if I found out that my mother and my boyfriend’s father were hooking up in high school and it resulted in a teen pregnancy where my boyfriend and I share a long-lost sibling, I don’t know if I would want to continue having a romantic relationship with my boyfriend. It would just creep and weird me out. It’s not an ordinary circumstance at all. Then again, we have traditionally seen this same story play out on another famous teen drama show, Gossip Girl. Dan and Serena were conventionally dating each other, but it was revealed that Dan’s father Rufus and Serena’s mother Lily were in genuine love back in the day and that they allegedly had a complex affair. Like FP and Alice, Rufus and Lily had a long-lost son together whom they gave up for adoption. It’s like RAS, and the contributing Riverdale writers just stole that storyline straight out of Gossip Girl and implanted it right into Riverdale. It’s unoriginal. It is one of the biggest reasons why I’m turned off from Bughead. The fact that Jughead and Betty’s parents have an intimate and romantic history, I can’t get past that because it makes Bughead and their relationship weird. To make matters worse, FP and Alice were seemingly hooking up and dating each other in the present while their kids are also currently hooking up and dating in the present. Weird, weird, weird. Did I mention weird? The writers went as far as to sufficiently emphasize and highlight the direct parallels between Falice and Bughead and that history was replicating itself during a season 3 episode (3x03). The writers and the show purposely showed FP/Alice in bed together in one scene and then switching to the following scene with Jughead/Betty together in bed. IT’S GROSS! It made me feel very uncomfortable, and I know plenty of other viewers who mentioned that they felt just as weirded out, disgusted, and embarrassed as I did with the way those scenes were shot. Bughead is pretty much incestuous and taboo for me. Yes, Bughead isn’t blood-related at all, but it doesn’t change that they look and act like step-siblings who are forcing an intimate connection between them. Now, if I had to choose between Falice or Bughead existing or continuing their romantic relationship in the present, I would indeed rather see Falice stay together romantically than Bughead. After all, Falice was undoubtedly canon first, and Bughead is merely trying to be an inferior imitation and knockoff of their parents. Bughead is emulating Falice so hard, but they are desperately failing miserably. Bughead doesn’t have anywhere near the complex history, essential development, or passionate chemistry to be anything remotely comparable to Falice and their complicated relationship, past and present. 

Bughead erases Jughead’s sexuality: Honestly, this reason doesn’t bother me that much, and it’s not a huge reason why I don’t ship or like Bughead. But I know there’s a small yet vocal part of the fandom that it does bother greatly. According to quite a few vocal people, Jughead is asexual in the classic comics. Now, I’ve read the comics since childhood, and I can confirm and attest that in the older version of the comics, Jughead isn't asexual. In many of the past comic book storylines, Jughead has shown a romantic interest in some girls, and he has been fascinated with women at various points throughout the history of Archie Comics. He was merely written as misogynistic and as someone who didn’t think highly of women in general, but that didn’t make him asexual or aromantic. Jughead’s first love was traditionally considered to be food, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have some romantic interest in girls because he most definitely did. There have been numerous storylines of Jughead showing romantic interest in girls and even being written in romantic relationships with female characters, like Ethel and Veronica for example. The exclusive version of Jughead that is canonically confirmed to be asexual is in the recent Archie Comics 2015 reboot. I know some people who hate Bughead are upset that the show writers of Riverdale erased Jughead’s sexuality from the current version of Archie Comics. But I can suggest the argument as to why RAS and the writers wrote this. Jughead Jones is thoroughly known to represent a popular, well-liked, beloved character within the Archie Comics franchise. Carefully add to the fact that Cole Sprouse, a well-known, famous teen heartthrob for many juvenile girls and young adult women, is portraying him. As a direct result, the female viewing audience who eagerly watch Riverdale want to see the “heartthrob” who they crush on, adorn, fawn over and heartily admire, be in romantic relationships with a female character(s) on the show. That way, these adolescent girls and young adult women can live their erotic and sexual fantasies vicariously through that particular relationship. That relationship currently happens to be Bughead. Why do you genuinely think that Bughead is (or used to be, shall I say politely) popular and well-liked in a fandom primarily dominated by young teenage girls and young adult women? Because they assuredly find Cole Sprouse attractive, hot, sexy, cute and appealing and they want to witness him get romantic or sexual with a female on-screen. I recognize why the writers changed Jughead’s sexuality from that point of view. But at the same time, I understand why a vocal part of the Riverdale fandom is greatly disappointed, angry or upset that the writers chose to neglect asexual and aromantic representation on a popular teen television show. Originally, Cole Sprouse argued for his distinctive character of Jughead to be canonically asexual on the show, and he genuinely wanted Asexual!Jughead to remain a reality. He argued for it because he required representation, but that was at the beginning of the series. Right now, Cole supports Straight!Jughead and his specific character being in complex relationships with attractive girls. Cole likely changed his mind about this key topic, because he is “dating” Lili Reinhart off-screen and his character Jughead is dating Betty onscreen. Jughead not being written as the same sexuality as he was in the recent version of the comics doesn’t bother me too much. That may be a controversial thing for me to admit, but for me, that’s my opinion. Sure, it would have been tremendous to have some representation for that group because there is accurately zero of it in modern media. But the erasure of Jughead’ sexuality from the comics isn’t my most fundamental issue or concern regarding this ship. I don’t hate Bughead because it erases 2015 Comic!Jughead’s sexuality. I’m okay with the modern Riverdale version of Jughead being heterosexual and straight and into girls. Jughead’s unique character is prolifically and accurately described as an "emo heartthrob", so he is bound to be attracted to girls and have girls be attracted to him. The principal reason I hate Bughead is because it naturally lacks organic chemistry, proper development and creative originality. I hate Bughead because it’s poorly composed and usually forced. I hate Bughead because it’s a toxic piece of waste. Not because it erases accurate representation. But at the same time, I’m compassionate and understanding to those who hate Bughead because it does delete adequate representation and that’s okay too. It’s just not my reason for disliking this ship.

Bughead is too codependent: For all one knows it’s just me, but I find Bughead’s relationship codependent, especially in season 1 and 2. I feel like they lack an identity apart from each other and that’s not a good thing. An essential part of what makes them unhealthy and toxic is that Betty has become so dependent on Jughead, especially after Archie rejected her. It’s like she turned to the next boy that gave her attention and just fell hard and fast. And Jughead was just a lonely outcast who was desperate to be loved and accepted. Here comes the first person outside of Archie to give him any genuine affection and considerable attention and Jughead got too attached. Bughead’s complex relationship became significantly codependent in season 2. Betty wanted to be with Jughead so much that she was ready to willingly give up her identity and her individuality to be a part of Jughead’s cruel world as a Serpent. Jughead told Betty about entering his world and how dangerous and unpredictable it could be, but Betty was still persistent in wanting to be a Serpent. To prove how much she wanted to be with Jughead and be a part of his world, she got undressed in front of an entire bar full of adult and older Serpents AS AN UNDERAGED GIRL. Jughead was horrified when Betty carried this act out that he reluctantly decided to break up with her. Jughead didn't want Betty to be an active part of his chaotic world, and he informed her many times. But Betty’s codependence and neediness towards Jughead undoubtedly caused her to lack logical thinking. And now at the end of season 2, Betty becomes Serpent Queen and integrates herself into Jughead’s world of being a Serpent when it doesn’t flatter her whatsoever. Betty is not a Serpent. She’s not born into that unpredictable life. By becoming Serpent Queen, she essentially gave up her individuality and her identity to be with Jughead. Betty is a Northsider through and through. She will never under no circumstances be a Southsider. The fact of the matter is that Betty only joined the Serpents because she is Jughead’s girlfriend. Betty doesn’t genuinely care about the well being of the Serpents. She hasn’t achieved anything great for the well being of the Serpents. She only associated with them because of nepotism and her boyfriend Jughead being the Serpent King. Betty has no place in the Southside Serpents, and it’s abundantly apparent. It is what makes their relationship codependent. Without Jughead, who is Betty Cooper? Who would she be if Jughead broke up with Betty for good? Who would she be without him? A key reason for Betty’s strong codependence on Jughead naturally has to do with the fact that Betty isn’t mentally healthy. Betty suffers from an undiagnosed mental illness that has yet to be candidly acknowledged and adequately addressed on this show. My guess is Betty has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Those who suffer from BPD have serious abandonment issues and attachment issues. They latch onto anyone who will willingly give them love and devoted attention because they are so needy and starved for attention and enthusiastic approval from others. And Jughead happens to be Betty’s effective drug for her BPD. Instead of seeking specialized help for her mental illness, Betty used Jughead as an emotional crutch to cope. Toxic, toxic, toxic. Let’s not forget that Jughead is equally using Betty as an emotional crutch as well. Jughead has consistently been the lonely, outlasted loner who never fit in. He was bullied growing up and constantly picked on. Jughead is dependent on Betty as a way to undoubtedly make him feel accepted into the social norm especially because of the complex environment he grew up in which was a toxic one. For Jughead, Betty is a form of escapism. Escapism from his dysfunctional life and the negative environment that he has with his family at home. In an undeniable fact, I argue persuasively that Jughead and Betty’s relationship is all about escapism. They are using each other to escape from their reality, but they want to escape for different reasons. Betty is using Jughead to escape from her mental illness, her troubled family life and the pressure of having to remain the perfect faithful daughter all the time. Jughead is using Betty to escape his unhealthy, toxic, dysfunctional home life and his insecurities that he feels about not being good enough. It makes Bughead’s relationship codependent and needy in essential nature, and that’s why they are problematic. Not merely does the fact that Bughead’s relationship being based on escapism causes them to be an unhealthy, codependent relationship but also that both of them constantly break up and then get back together so fast. It genuinely seems that they don’t take time away from each other to be by themselves. They consistently have to be together and getting involved in things that could coax them into a boatload of trouble. If Betty gets prominently involved with something, then Jughead typically has to get involved. If Jughead gets involved in something, then Betty naturally has to get involved. And all that undoubtedly does is lead to more frequent problems. I feel because of their codependent relationship, Jughead and Betty have either grown stagnant as characters or have regressed as characters. They haven’t changed for the positive, and they haven’t evolved in a way that is beneficial for both of them. Their codependent attachment to each other has ceased them from exploring other relationships with people and branching out by communicating with other people besides each other. It’s like Jughead and Betty live in their little world, their little bubble and that is unhealthy. Outside of Archie, Veronica and Betty, who does Jughead undoubtedly have to consider a friend? The Serpents aren’t his friends. They are his subordinates. He is their leader, not their friend. Outside of Betty and the Serpents, Jughead doesn’t have much of an identity, and that is a problem. It's the same for Betty. Outside of Jughead and occasionally Veronica (not in season 3), Betty is barely seen communicating with anyone else. It’s like her friendships with notable people like Kevin, Veronica, and even Archie (Archie for God’s dear sake, the boy she has cherished and known intimately since childhood, has been next door neighbors with, and has been best friends with since she was a child!) have ceased to exist. Jughead is all that matters to her now. It’s depressing. Betty is lonely, and she doesn’t realize it because she doesn’t acknowledge anything or anyone else besides Jughead and her relationship with him. Bughead and their relationship are incredibly isolating. Jughead and Betty have secluded themselves away from others and the potential for generating wonderfully new bonds and enduring friendships outside of each other. Does Betty possess any friends outside of Jughead right now? I mean, seriously, her budding friendship with Veronica has grown so distant as of season 3. She barely acknowledges her anymore. At least Jughead willingly spent some decent time with Archie during this season and aided him in the running away from a demolished town of Riverdale and escaping the wrath of Hiram Lodge. And Jughead is gradually but surely starting to develop a bond and friendship with Veronica. But Betty? She willingly has no one. She’s so isolated and lonely outside of Jughead that the sole person that she is turning to other than Jughead is her serial killer father, Hal! And that’s just a grim reality. For Betty and Jughead to grow tremendously and evolve organically as complex characters, the two of them need to break up and invariably find themselves on their own. Because right now, Bughead’s codependent relationship has caused Jughead and Betty to become severely stagnant.

Bughead is an emotionally abusive relationship: This may be considered to be a controversial opinion, but I genuinely think that Bughead is an emotionally abusive relationship. I undoubtedly noticed visible traces of emotional abuse within Bughead’s relationship throughout season 1 and season 2. Whenever Jughead and Betty would argue fiercely and fight doggedly, Jughead would habitually be the likely one always to take personal digs/attacks and make nasty insults about Betty. He would berate her and insult her all the time like sarcastically calling her the “perfect girl next door” (as if it’s something that is so horrible). Jughead would yell at her for doing nice things for him (like throwing him a birthday party). He would throw her feelings for Archie in her face. It made her feel guilty for loving Archie because he’s insecure regarding Archie and Betty’s relationship. Jughead and Betty would constantly harbor secrets and lie to each other for God knows what reason (this shows a huge lack of trust and honesty in the relationship). These represent unmistakable signs of an emotionally abusive relationship yet for some strange reason, and fandom never addresses it. Most of the fandom is “Awww, BUGHEAD FEELS!” when they see Jughead and Betty in any scene together, but they don’t realize the toxic and unhealthy aspects of their relationship. They believe that because Jughead and Betty look “cute” together and act all lovey-dovey and couple-like that all is healthy and okay with their relationship, But they divert a sightless eye to how much underlying emotional abuse and unacceptable toxicity exist in the Bughead relationship. 

Bughead look + act like siblings: I can’t get over how much Bughead look and act like brother and sister. Conceivably it’s because that is their relationship in the comics. But they don’t appear as a romantic couple to me. When they get intimate and sexual, it looks very incestuous. Jughead and Betty’s parents experiencing a romantic history emphasizes the incestuous aspect of the Bughead relationship. Let me gently remind you that if FP and Alice ever got married in the foreseeable future, Jughead and Betty would be step-siblings who are in brotherly love and dating each other. It is just shameful and bizarre and cringe-worthy. Let’s not forget that in real life, Cole and Lili look like they could be related or that they could be brother and sister. I know Cole has dyed his hair black for his role as Jughead, but Cole is a natural born blond. Lili is, also, a natural born blonde. Jughead and Betty would appear to be more like siblings than they do if Cole kept his original hair color of blond. If you don’t believe me that Cole and Lili legitimately look like they could pass as brother and sister, then just put a candid photo of Blond!Cole next to Lili and see how much they indeed physically resemble each other. Jughead and Betty’s relationship is just way too platonic and sibling-like for me to believe they have any romantic chemistry. Bughead’s sex scenes look like a brother and sister getting it on. For example, the first time when Bughead got physical in 1x13, it was just so awkward and non-sexual. It looked extremely sibling-like and incestuous, and it looked like two siblings having a secret affair in their trailer park. Yuck. The second considerable time that Bughead gets physical in 2x12, it appeared non-sexual and incestuous. Again, there was no sexual and romantic chemistry during their first time. The distinct lack of fierce passion and romanticism in Bughead’s relationship is the most substantial reason why I genuinely feel Bughead acts like a brother/sister type of relationship rather than a romantic, intimate one. Falice having sexual and romantic history plus Bughead sharing a long-lost sibling doesn’t help Bughead look any less like an incestuous brother/sister relationship.

Bughead is constantly trying to fix each other: I hate how Jughead and Betty are repeatedly trying to solve and fix each other’s problems. That’s not how healthy relationships work. In season 1 alone, I unquestionably felt that Betty was intentionally trying to fix Jughead properly. I felt like she was trying to mold Jughead into who she wanted him to be. I don’t feel like she fully accepted him for whom he was. Much of her relationship with Jughead in season 1 was her projecting her profound feelings for Archie onto Jughead. Jughead comes from a highly dysfunctional family and unfavorable environment. Betty saw Jughead as a project that could be fixed so she could feel better about herself. That’s exactly how I see Betty’s relationship with Jughead. I feel like she is constantly mothering him instead of being an actual supportive girlfriend. And Jughead genuinely seems to enable this mother type attitude in Betty because Jughead has serious unresolved mommy issues. After all, Jughead’s mother Gladys up and left and abandoned him to an extremely troubled household with an alcoholic deadbeat father. Betty, being the perfectionist and fixer that she is naturally, obviously fell for Jughead because she identifies with someone that is emotionally unstable due to his horrible upbringing. She knows he is poor and has serious family issues. For Betty, fixing Jughead is undoubtedly an effective way for her to feel better about herself because she battles serious self-esteem issues. She constantly experienced the standard pressure to be the faithful daughter, an excellent student, and a beloved sister, and this was the pressure that was eagerly pushed upon her by both of her willing parents Hal and Alice. I feel like since Betty constantly tries to fix Jughead’s fundamental problems, she promptly loses her independent identity to him in the process. In season 2, Betty fixing Jughead’s problems is even more obvious than in season 1. Betty is so adamant on fixing Jughead and earnestly trying to get him to overcome his difficult issues that she is intent on joining the Serpents and being passionately involved in the gang lifestyle. Betty’s reasoning for wanting to be a Serpent was so she can be with Jughead and watch out for him. I understand that she wants to be a so-called supportive girlfriend, but her wanting to be part of a gang lifestyle, something that she never grew up in and a life that is so unpredictable and dangerous, was just such a stupid and reckless reason. Even Jughead had to push back at Betty and inform her that the Serpent life wasn’t meant for her. The reason why Betty is always trying to fix Jughead and his problems is that she’s not satisfied with the person that Jughead is. If she loved and accepted Jughead for who he is, then she wouldn’t be trying to change him and solve his issues all the time. The other notable time when Betty tried to fix Jughead’s longstanding problems was when Betty decided to blackmail and manipulate Cheryl into lying under sacred oath about FP covering up the murder of her deceased twin brother Jason. Betty was so desperate to clear her boyfriend’s convicted father so that he would receive a lighter prison sentence and punishment for his crime. Betty did such a horrible, sinister and devious act by blackmailing a traumatized girl for her gain just so that she can be seen as a super good girlfriend who’d do anything for her boyfriend. On the reverse, Jughead also tries fixing Betty’s issues as well. Such as the case when Betty and her family found themselves in a crisis when Imposter Chic murdered someone right in the middle of the Cooper House. Jughead ended up committing a punishable crime by covering up murder evidence that belonged to the dead man so that the local authorities wouldn't catch Betty and her family for their crime. Not only that but because Jughead was trying so hard to fix Betty’s problems, he got his criminal parole father involved in the mess. I don’t know about you, but if I were Betty, the last thing I would want is for my longtime boyfriend’s father who had scarcely got out of prison, is for him to be involved in covering up a second dead body. I wouldn't want to involve my boyfriend's parole father so that he risks being arrested and going to jail once again for knowingly committing the same crime that burdened him in prison in the first place. Though Jughead has intentionally tried to solve Betty’s problems, there is one important issue in which Jughead has completely neglected when it comes to Betty: her mental health. For some reason, Jughead can fix and solve all of Betty’s obvious issues, but he can’t even convince her to get the mental help that she needs. Alternatively, he chooses to either brush it under the rug or enable it by advising her that everything is going to be okay because he’ll be there to support her. I’m not asking for Jughead to directly fix Betty’s mental health or cure her mental illness, because nobody is capable of doing such a thing. But what he should be doing, as any good boyfriend would typically do, is convincing her to get mental help for herself. I don’t want Jughead to fix Betty’s mental health because no one reasonable person can fix people’s mental illness. But what he can undoubtedly do is adequately communicate with her and talk intimately to her about her mental health issues. What he can do is demonstrate to her some tough love and sincerely convince her to stand up for herself and voluntarily seek the valuable help that she dearly needs. But Jughead hasn’t done that at all. He’s merely nudged Betty’s mental health to the side as if it signifies nothing. Jughead and Betty can fix each other’s external problems, but the one thing they consistently fail at doing is being a healthy and proper support system for each other without the need to fix and mold one another into who they want each other to be. That is conditional love, not unconditional love. 

Bughead has too much jealousy and insecurities: I genuinely think that Betty and Jughead undoubtedly have too much jealousy and insecurities in their relationship. These key issues with jealousy are highlighted in season 1 and season 2. Jughead is constantly insecure about Betty’s relationship and mutual feelings for Archie. It’s like it was habitually in the back of his mind. When Betty and Jughead get into a fight in 1x10, Jughead even lashes out at Betty about her ambiguous relationship with Archie. He notifies her that she is only with him till Archie reciprocates her feelings romantically. The fact that Jughead assumes this shows that he has some serious insecurity issues concerning Archie and Betty’s relationship. Jughead also showed jealousy when Betty and Archie exchanged Christmas gifts with each other in 2x09. He could see that Betty and Archie had that special connection that he didn’t have with Betty because Betty was so sure that the present she received was from Archie. Jughead knows deep down that Archie and Betty naturally have this powerful and deep connection yet he intentionally tries to conceal it and conveniently ignore it as much as possible. That is until Betty and Archie share moments right in front of him and then he allows his jealous and insecure side to come out. When Jughead finds out that Archie and Betty exchanged a kiss from Cheryl, Jughead doesn’t take it too well. He gets so upset and resentful over it that he possesses a desire to get back at Betty and Archie by kissing Veronica. The fact that he was willing to get back at Barchie for kissing each other showcased his insecurities regarding Archie and Betty’s relationship. If he were secure in his relationship with Betty, he wouldn’t require the need to resort to such a petty move. The fact of the matter is he wanted to get revenge against Archie and Betty, and he even admitted it as much. He told Betty that he enjoyed seeing the look on Archie’s face when he was kissing Veronica to get back at him. Pure jealousy and pettiness because he’s uncertain about Archie and Betty kissing, even when the two of them were broken up at the time. Jughead revealed some jealousy in a recent season 3 episode (3x10).  Archie told the rest of the core four at Pop’s that he would have a hard time studying for the SAT’s because he may have to repeat his academic Junior year due to having been through so much that year. Betty supported Archie and advised him that she would happily help him study and promptly let him catch up. Jughead had a bitterly jealous look on his face when Archie and Betty were talking about investing time together, and Betty was talking about tutoring Archie as she did for him back in grade 2. Jughead is desperately insecure with Archie and Betty just being friends and helping each other. That is how much he knows that he is in Archie’s constant shadow where Betty is concerned and he has been so since childhood. The fact is Jughead has always been jealous of Archie deep down because Betty has always loved Archie and showed him more attention than him. It’s stated as much by the writers who recently confirmed it (though I’m skeptical because I genuinely feel like much of Bughead’s relationship is retcon and a revision of history.). Jughead has always felt second best to Archie especially in regards to his friendship and emotional bond with Betty, and it’s been repeatedly sprinkled throughout the show so far. I think deep down, Jughead knows that Archie and Betty have such a deep and intimate connection and that with time, they will eventually consummate that connection. It’s only a matter of time. Jughead can see that Archie and Betty share this unique bond that he will never share with Betty and that brings out Jughead’s insecurities. Jughead can deny it deep down all he desires, but he completely knows. He knows by heart that what Archie and Betty naturally have is special and that one day, Archie is eventually going to open his eyes and realize that Betty is the chosen one for him. But for now, Jughead tries turning a blind eye to it because he wants to have faith that his relationship with Betty will survive through it all. But with considerable time, Bughead will founder, and nothing will stop Barchie from getting together down the continuous line. At this specific point, it is inevitable, and Jughead even said as much in 2x08 when he narrated the memorable Barchie scene with the both of them looking wistfully at each other through each other’s windows. But not only does Jughead battle jealousy issues in their relationship. Betty has shown some jealousy issues where Jughead is concerned. The times when Betty had demonstrated jealousy and insecurity regarding Jughead was when Jughead was acting genuinely friendly with Toni. In 2x11, Jughead and Toni were working collaboratively on a school project together, and when she instantly saw Jughead and Toni together, she immediately got suspicious. It is part of the reason why Betty was so hostile towards Toni at first because she was self-conscious about Jughead’s friendship and bond with Toni. Betty harbored insecurities where Jughead and Toni were concerned because Toni, unlike Betty, was from the same world as Jughead. Both Jughead and Toni were undoubtedly kindred spirits because they were both from the Southside, both poor and both have a direct Serpent lineage. These striking similarities between Jughead and Toni automatically made them compatible and right for each other (this was before Toni got with Cheryl and confirmed that she liked both guys and girls). Betty naturally viewed Toni as a potential threat to her relationship with Jughead because Toni was traditionally from Jughead’s complex world and Betty was not. That is where Betty’s fierce jealousy regarding Toni and Jughead exists. Generally speaking, Bughead merely possesses too many insecurities regarding their relationship. The fact that Jughead and Betty get so easily insecure and jealous when someone of the opposite sex develops some mutual bond or meaningful relationship with either of them shows a distinct lack of mutual security in their relationship. 

Bughead lack solid communication: A fundamental problem that I naturally have with Bughead’s relationship is precisely the fundamental lack of effective communication in their relationship. They are always lying to each other and keeping secrets from each other, especially dangerous secrets that are critically important. Bughead has issues opening up to each other when it is most significant for them to do so. The remarkable lack of direct communication between both of them is one of the most substantial reasons why their relationship is so toxic, especially in season 1. Betty has knowingly lied to Jughead numerous times and has deliberately concealed valuable secrets from him. Some of the necessary things that Betty has knowingly lied to Jughead about or kept from him prominently include her struggling with mental illness. She steadfastly refused to tell Jughead that she passionately kissed Archie. Betty didn't tell Jughead that she was webcamming online with unusual men. She didn't tell Jughead or let him know she had every intention of joining the Serpents and going through the Serpent initiation of stripping on stage (Jughead ended up completely blindsided when Betty stripteased on stage). Betty didn't inform Jughead about her presumed long lost brother Chic and how dangerous and suspicious he was. She didn't notify Jughead that the Black Hood was threatening and blackmailing her into hurting her loved ones against her will intentionally. Betty refused to tell Jughead that she was privately working with the Black Hood and assisting him in causing destruction and chaos in Riverdale (She told Archie and Veronica about her working with the Black Hood before she confessed to her boyfriend!). Additionally, she didn't tell Jughead that she was a direct accomplice to murder when she sent Imposter Chic to his death by luring him to the Black Hood so that he could personally assassinate and murder him (This means Betty was okay with someone being killed in cold blood even if they were a bad or evil person.). In contrast, Jughead isn’t always honest with Betty either. He didn’t tell Betty that he kissed Toni and sort of hooked up with her after they broke up. He withheld the critical fact that his father was a Southside Serpent from her which would have introduced much unnecessary drama to Betty’s life. He hasn’t told Betty about the vital fact that he kidnapped and tortured Tall Boy and then covered up his murder after Fangs accidentally shot him dead. He wasn't upfront with Betty about him playing Gryphons & Gargoyles at first. He was willing to steadfastly maintain his active involvement in the complex game a well-kept secret from her. There’s way too many unnecessary lies and deep secrets between the two of them. Secrets and extremely detrimental and terrible lies in nature. The fundamental fact that Jughead and Betty constantly feel they can’t talk about the critically significant things or gloss over their key issues is a red flag for the longevity of their romance. A beneficial and stable intimate relationship typically involves effective communication, trust, and straightforward honesty when it matters most, and unfortunately, Jughead and Betty fail spectacularly to perform all of those critical things properly. In this season (season 3), I find they are slowly growing removed from each other which is naturally causing them to lack communication even more. Periodically, I don’t feel that Bughead communicate enough that I conveniently forget they are a couple or are in a relationship. They are acting like two distinguished strangers who don’t recognize each other. That’s how separate their relationship has undoubtedly become this season. Season 2 had them continually lying to each other and keeping secrets from each other, but season 3 typically has them barely talking or properly communicating at all. When they have communicated this season, it usually results in a climactic fight or a possible argument of some sort. I genuinely think the fundamental fact that Jughead and Betty’s social communication is weak is a visible sign that their relationship is on borrowed time. 

Bughead shares a long-lost sibling: This key reason merely makes Bughead look like a disgusting and gross relationship. Are we just going to forget that FP (Jughead’s father) and Alice (Betty’s mother) gave birth to a long-lost child together in high school? It means that Jughead and Betty share a half-sibling/half-brother. It immediately makes their relationship very awkward and weird. Bughead is already incestuous enough as it because they act suspiciously like brother and sister and don’t have romantic chemistry/sexual chemistry, to begin. But the fact that Falice experienced intimate history together and had a child together makes Bughead even weirder. Falice’s illegitimate deceased son and Bughead’s half-brother Charles is supposedly dead because Imposter Chic allegedly murdered him. Even if Charles happens to be dead, it doesn’t change that Jughead and Betty still share a brother and that it nevertheless makes their relationship borderline incestuous. I’m sorry, but if I found out that my longtime boyfriend and I shared in common a half-sibling, I don’t know if I could maintain a romantic relationship with my boyfriend. I would be disgusted if I acknowledged my parents and my boyfriend's parents were hooking up! Jughead and Betty’s father and mother hooking up and having a sexual history and currently revisiting that romantic and sexual history is bad enough. But the fact that Bughead shares a sibling makes it so much worse, and it doesn’t sit right with me at all. If Falice gets appropriately married in the possible future, Bughead would be traditionally step-siblings who share in common a half-deceased brother and are in a romantic relationship. That’s just odd.

Bughead doesn’t exist in the comics: Bughead has never been in the source material of Archie Comics. It is a significant reason why I hate this couple. There has under no circumstances been any romantic implications between Jughead and Betty in the comics. Jughead and Betty experience a strictly platonic relationship in the comics, and he's never shown any romantic interest in her whatsoever. Alternatively, Jughead has proved to be typically a generous supporter of Archie and Betty being together. Yes, that’s accurate. Jughead is undoubtedly the most prominent Barchie supporter in the classic comics, and that’s the proper way it should be typically. Jughead continually provides Betty kindly advice on how to win Archie over and persuade him to select Betty over Veronica. Jughead constantly encourages Betty to pursue Archie doggedly and has never had any interest in considering a romantic move on Betty whatsoever. Bughead as a romantic relationship does not and never has existed in the Archies Comic universe from what I recognize. And for that exact reason, this is why Bughead is considered to be unquestionably a fanservice ship. Jughead has traditionally had more romantic moments with Veronica in the classic comics than he has had with Betty! For some apparent reason, the prominent writers of Riverdale persistently refuse to have Jeronica experience more meaningful interaction and scenes together, despite their relationship being way more emphasized and iconic in the classic comics than Jughead and Betty’s. Bughead being canon on the show is utterly disrespectful to the source material of Archie Comics and even more insulting that the contributing writers voluntarily chose to erase the classic and iconic love triangle between Archie/Betty/Veronica just so that they can typically force Bughead on us. Just nope.

Jughead becomes unlikeable because of Betty: In season 1, I loved Jughead’s unique character. But as soon as he instantly got with Betty, he typically started to slowly become one of the most unlikeable characters on the show. I instantly saw rare glimpses of his unlikeability in season 1 when he was typical with Betty. When Betty threw Jughead a birthday party, Jughead lashed out and acted like a complete jerk. Affirmative, Betty should have told him beforehand that she wanted to arrange him a party instead of blindsiding him, but he still shouldn’t have reacted so harshly towards her. Despite Jughead’s periodic outbursts towards Betty and generally acting cold, icy and aloof towards most people, I sincerely liked Jughead and undoubtedly found him a decent character. Come season 2, and Jughead’s distinctive character became increasingly annoying and intolerable. I’m not going to instantly put all of the blame on Betty and Jughead’s relationship with her for him becoming increasingly annoying and unlikeable, but she is partly to blame for his fundamental change in personality. In season 1, Jughead demanded nothing to do with the Serpents. He proclaimed he wanted nothing to do with the Serpents so much that he didn’t have a good relationship with his father. Jughead would have rather been homeless than be undoubtedly like his alcoholic father. But then suddenly. Jughead genuinely wants to be a Serpent so bad and enthusiastically embrace his family legacy. It was like a polar night and day switch in personality. He went from being someone who was repulsed and turned off by the Serpents to genuinely wanting to be an active part of the Serpents and advocating for them so hard. And the remarkable thing is, I genuinely feel like Betty fed into Jughead’s negative Serpent addiction. She enabled his earnest desire to all of a sudden be a Serpent. Initially, Betty would be against Jughead being a Serpent but turns out that she wasn’t against it at all. By contrast, she was fine with her longtime boyfriend being undoubtedly in an organized gang and endangering himself even further. She was fine with Jughead eagerly embracing his historical Serpent legacy that Betty herself wanted to be a part of the complex Serpent world. She enabled Jughead becoming a Serpent. Jughead choosing to join the active gang voluntarily was precisely his informed decision, but Betty helped to influence him even more and enable him to become a Serpent. Essentially, Betty enabled Jughead to experience a dangerous lifestyle that could cause him so much trouble and danger instead of advocating for him to live a much safer crime-free lifestyle. It is possible it’s just me, but since Jughead has become a Serpent and even more, a Serpent King, Jughead has become very unlikeable and irritating as a character. Throughout the second half of season 2, I found Jughead increasingly annoying. He came across as very aggressive, intentionally mean and a cowardly bully. I especially hated his treatment of Veronica and how he talked down to her and mistreated her for her family’s crimes. Jughead was always the one who would proclaim the kids are not their parents. Adequately, if that were the case, why didn’t he give Veronica the benefit of the doubt and apply that same philosophy to her? He's becoming more aggressive, volatile and confrontational. In season 3 as Serpent King, he has become drunk and eagerly consumed with power. He has let being Serpent King and being an elected leader make his ego grow out of excessive control, and now he’s resorted to ill-treating his subordinate Serpents. He’s been a horrible leader so far and has proven he’s not meant to be King. Jughead had no issue with voluntarily leaving the Serpents high and dry and struggling financially. I genuinely understand that Jughead was helping his best friend Archie escape from Riverdale and the wrath of Hiram Lodge. But he doesn’t enjoy the luxury of doing stuff like that now that he’s Serpent King. He has responsibilities that he must tend to and dependent people to protect. That is precisely the whole point of being an effective leader and a King of a gang: caring about your needed people and subordinates. Season 3 has proven that Jughead is two types of leaders. Either he's a brutal, tyrannical, dictatorial, power-hungry, aggressive, and controlling Serpent King towards his subordinates and treats his underlings with disrespect and unfairness. Or he’s a weak, wimpy, irresponsible, spineless, and careless Serpent King who doesn’t take his responsibilities seriously enough and doesn’t seem to give a shit about his subordinates. Jughead, so far, has proven he is unlikeable as a Serpent and even more unlikeable as a Serpent King. With regards to Betty, Jughead humbly asking Betty to be his beloved Serpent Queen is undoubtedly just all distinct kinds of ridiculous. She does not deserve that honorary title. She is there because she is Jughead’s longtime girlfriend. She isn't earning that title through what she has done for the Serpents. It’s sheer nepotism because she is dating the Serpent King. The fact that Jughead allowed her to become the Serpent Queen is pathetic and sickening. If anyone should be given the title of Serpent Queen, it’s Toni Topaz. After all, the Southside Serpents are her family, and her family was the one who originated and founded the gang in the first place. It's Toni's legacy, and it's in her blood, even more than Jughead.  In addition to proving to be a horrible friend, boyfriend,  and leader, Jughead has showcased high key hypocritical behavior. He constantly criticizes Hiram Lodge and the Lodge family for being a family of petty criminals when his family is also criminals similar to the Lodges. As Serpent King, he declared there would be no crime tolerated as long as he is King. He had no issue with promptly kicking Toni and Cheryl out for doing something as harmless and stupid as stealing a Glamerge Egg stealthily from someone who has intentionally tried to destroy the Serpents lives (Hiram Lodge) wantonly. But then Jughead commits multiple crimes when he kidnaps and tortures Tall Boy and then covers up the murder of Tall Boy after Fangs accidentally assassinates him. He has allowed the executive power as Serpent King to get to his head and he has become more and more egotistical and full of himself. And Betty being with him surely hasn’t helped matters. She hasn’t been capable of snapping him out of these horrible moments that he’s been having throughout this season. Jughead has been playing Gryphons & Gargoyles, and he has allowed the game to consume him, and he has started to act crazy and brainwashed. But even Betty forewarning him hasn’t snapped him out of it. Jughead has become power hungry, and a tyrannical authoritarian leader of the Serpents and Betty hasn’t been able to temper his ego and his overwhelming power-hungry attitude. He has grown extremely distant from Betty, and it doesn’t even seem like they are even a couple anymore. There are just so many things that have negatively changed in Jughead’s character that I’m certain that the only way to repair Jughead’s character is to break him up with Betty and for him to be single for a while so that he can grow as a person. Jughead’s relationship with Betty has knowingly caused Jughead to become a stagnant character with bad character development. Jughead has regressed as a unique character and hasn’t experienced any positive growth, and at least 80% of the reason for Jughead’s distinct lack of personal growth is overwhelmingly his relationship with Betty. 

Betty becomes annoying because of Jughead: Similar to the previous point, Bughead has also caused Betty’s complex character to be impacted negatively as well. Since getting involved with Jughead, Betty has come to be one of the most annoying and irritating characters. She had been a much better character before she got into a rebound relationship with Jughead. Betty was a decent character in season 1, but she slowly descended into annoying character territory as soon as she jumped into a relationship with Jughead. The fundamental truth is that part of what traditionally made Betty more and more annoying was how much of her unique identity was dependent on Jughead. In season 2, it became pronounced that Betty was starting losing her identity through her relationship with Jughead. Her moral compass also started to become blurred, and she was willing to bend the rules and her morals for Jughead, something that is not okay. Such a prime example of Betty doing something immoral in the name of Jughead is when she severely threatened Cheryl and blackmailed her into lying under oath at FP’s criminal trial about FP covering up Jason’s brutal murder so that he would improperly receive a lighter prison sentence than he deserved. Betty blackmailed Cheryl to commit deceit or else she would expose the video of her father Clifford murdering her beloved twin brother Jason on the internet and everyone would know about it. The fact that Betty was willing to efficiently conduct such an evil, sinister and immoral deed all in the name of saving Jughead’s convicted father from receiving the prison sentence that he deserved for committing a crime of covering up murder showcased that Jughead is merely such a bad influence on Betty. As we all know, Betty battles a sinister side and suffers severe mental health issues that she has repeatedly ignored and refused to face and acknowledge. Jughead possesses a habit of bringing out Betty’s darkness and enabling her mental illness. When Betty was misbehaving and dressing up in BDSM clothing during a foreplay session with Jughead in 2x14, Jughead didn’t even flinch or show concern. He indeed enjoyed it and relished in it, and it was just beyond disturbing. Another key thing that bothered me was how Betty was so desperate to be with Jughead that she was willing to give up her established identity as a Northsider and promptly become a Southside Serpent. Jughead had informed her that he didn’t want him involved in that life because of how dangerous it is yet she persistently refused to listen attentively to him and his legitimate concerns. Betty got on a grand stage and started stripping in front of a local bar of old men as an underaged girl. It was just so inappropriate, and this was when I started to dislike Betty and realize just how much of a toxic influence Jughead and his environment have on Betty. Also, since getting with Jughead, Betty has become increasingly mean spirited and self-righteous. She adopts a terrible attitude and feels like she can merely talk down ton people whenever she wants. The unreasonable way Betty treats Veronica and talks down to her is downright disgusting and unacceptable. She has gone out of her way to humiliate Veronica repeatedly publicly, and I feel like Jughead plays a part in that because Jughead has always had a grudge against Veronica and her family. Jughead’s self-righteous and arrogant attitude, especially throughout season 2, strongly rubbed off on Betty and it showed in how Betty talked to people and treated others. Jughead and Betty together were highly annoying and unlikeable throughout season 2, and I couldn’t stand them and how they acted up. With Jughead, Betty seems to have a superiority complex which causes me to want to punch her in the face. She thinks she has the moral high ground when in reality, Betty has become one of the most morally compromised characters in the show since she got with Jughead. Betty has showcased that she is also very hypocritical. She is willing to commit immoral, illegal and criminal activity herself knowingly and is perfectly okay with Jughead committing immoral and criminal activity because they naturally think they are doing it for the right thing. But God forbid someone else does something wrong or something traditionally considered to be illegal, and all eternal hell breaks loose, and Jughead and Betty suddenly have something to declare about it. Betty called Veronica out for being a spoiled wealthy girl with corrupt daddy issues. Also, she called Veronica, a bad girl because of the harmful things her wealthy family does. It makes Betty pathetic and hypocritical. When she made those offensive comments to humiliate Veronica publically, she lacked self-awareness in addition to being a hypocrite. Because the truth is, Betty is also a spoiled, privileged girl with serious daddy issues and with a serial killer father and a cruel mother. Not to mention that Betty has committed more crimes and broken the law way more than Veronica ever has. Therefore no, Betty doesn’t claim any right or moral high ground to criticize Veronica and humiliate her constantly for things that her criminal family commits. Because Betty is more morally compromised than Veronica and it’s not even close. Not only do I believe that Jughead exercises a profoundly negative influence on Betty’s personality and he enables her darkness, but he also isolates Betty. It genuinely seems that since getting with Jughead, Betty has isolated herself from her other friends. We barely witness her communicate with anyone else other than Jughead. To Betty, it seems that Jughead is all that matters to her. That causes Betty to appear as unfriendly, aloof, unapproachable and unlikeable. Like Jughead, Betty has morphed into a loner, and it’s very unhealthy. Betty was way more sociable and friendly before she got with Jughead and it’s just sad that her relationship with Jughead has knowingly caused her social life to take a serious hit and deteriorate so badly. Betty has inevitably lost her likability and her identity because of her relationship with Jughead. Jughead has made Betty very unlikeable, and that is why it’s so hard for me even to support her or like her anymore. Like I mentioned above, the sole way for Betty’s character to be redeemed is for the writers to break Betty and Jughead up. Betty needs to be single for a while and to undergo some character development on her own without the urgent need of a boyfriend. I do ultimately desire her to develop a romantic relationship with Archie sufficiently but truthfully; she doesn’t deserve Archie with who she currently is. She’s way too screwed up to be with anyone in a relationship right now. Betty needs to be getting help for her mental health. She needs to be resolving her family issues. She needs to get some self-esteem because I honestly don’t think she has any. And most of all, she needs to get the hell away from Jughead. He is just bad for her on so many levels. Betty would be way more likeable, and a more admirable character without Jughead and that is the truth. Jughead is a major influence and apparent reason for Betty’s ultimate downfall as a decent character. Simply disappointing. 

Jughead is second best to Archie (when it concerns Betty): Let’s confront the facts here. Betty has been in unconditional love with Archie, and she always will be. That will never change. I don’t care how much she proclaims that Jughead is this impressive boyfriend and epic love (which he’s not). Betty loved Archie for so long and for her to merely disregard her feelings for him makes absolutely no logical sense to the storyline. We at present know that Jughead has felt second best to Archie since they were kids. Jughead felt that Archie was typically the more brilliant kid, the more popular kid, and Betty cherished him. Jughead has always felt second best to Archie, and honestly, that will never change. In the back of Jughead’s conscious mind, he feels insecure next to Archie and even more now than when they were kids growing up together. Archie has everything favoring him. He’s well-liked, he’s a natural-born leader, good-looking, charismatic, get all the attractive girls, he’s a talented athlete and a local star. Plus there’s inevitably going to be that critical fact that since childhood, Betty loved Archie before she barely looked Jughead’s way. Despite receiving the girl, Jughead must know that deep down, the most significant reason why he indeed got the girl in the first place is that Archie rejected her because he didn’t think he was competent enough to be with someone like her. It’s not like Betty naturally chose Jughead over Archie because she didn’t. Betty never got the chance or the ample opportunity to do so. Betty loved Archie for years, Betty told Archie how she genuinely felt, Archie totally freaked out and instantly rejected her, Betty was naturally forced to move on no matter how much Archie’s rejection hurt her. Allow me to spell it out one more time: Betty Cooper never chose Jughead Jones over Archie Andrews. Alternatively, Betty Cooper settled for Jughead Jones because she couldn’t have Archie Andrews. Archie has consistently been Betty’s first choice period. Do you genuinely think that is somehow going to change even though Jughead and Betty are currently in a relationship? Nah. One memorable day, Betty will willfully choose Archie over Jughead. It’s only a critical matter of time. Because deep down, Betty loves Archie and constantly has and always will. Betty will uncover her eyes once again and realize that Archie is the one that she belongs with and that she was merely projecting what she desired to possess with Archie into her relationship with Jughead. And yes, as a direct result of Betty’s unresolved feelings, Jughead will end up feeling second best to Archie once again just like he typically did when they were kids. Jughead will end up undoubtedly hurt and left behind like he did when Betty, Archie, and Jughead used to hang out during their childhood. The truth is Betty is settling for Jughead because Archie was unavailable to her. Poor Jughead. 

The classic, iconic love triangle (between Archie/Betty/Veronica) needs to be explored: The classic, iconic love triangle between Archie, Veronica and Betty is the most important storyline of Archie Comics. The fact that the writers believed it would be a brilliant idea to erase this aspect of the comics on their show adaptation is one of the worst writing decisions ever. If you’re going to make a show off an adaptation from a novel or comic book, at least make sure that you include the most compelling storylines and plot from the source material. Otherwise, what is the point of making a TV adaptation if you’re not going to respect the source material? The classic love triangle between Archie, Veronica and Betty is undoubtedly the whole point of Archie Comics. For the prominent writers to erase this key aspect and force Bughead as the main couple on the successful show, an odd couple that doesn’t indeed exist in the classic comics in the first place, a huge insult to the Archie Comics franchise. One of the fundamental reasons why I began watching this show in the first place is to see the iconic love triangle unfold between Archie, Veronica, and Betty. When I initially saw the show and the Pilot, I genuinely thought that was what we were allegedly going to receive throughout the series. But it proved to be a massive disappointment. They erased the triangle and forced Jughead and Betty into an unusual relationship. It merely makes no sense for the plot and the show. The sole reason why Jughead and Betty got together and for pure fan service reasons. Jughead and Betty are undoubtedly in no proper way romantically involved in the Archie Comics. They are strictly platonic friends, and I expected them to have the same dynamic on the show. Betty has always been in love with Archie and has never expressed a romantic interest in Jughead in the source material. Betty not being in passionate love with Archie and pining for him goes willingly against everything that Betty Cooper is popular as a unique character in the classic comics. Archie’s primary storyline is constantly being torn between Betty and Veronica, especially in the Archie Comics (2015) reboot. That is typically Archie Comics. The love triangle between Archie, Veronica and Betty are so timeless and classic and iconic that it’s the first key thing I naturally think of when I think of Archie Comics. This love triangle is one of the classic and oldest love triangles in modern media. This ongoing love triangle between Archie, Veronica and Betty and the compelling storyline of who is Archie inevitably going to choose: Betty or Veronica? has been going on for nearly 100 years! How do you produce a show based on Archie Comics and erase such a crucial plot point and storyline from the source material that you are adapting? It doesn’t generate any sense. It is why I don’t like or properly respect Bughead. Bughead should have never happened romantically on the show. It ruined or lowered the chances of the classic love triangle from being explored. Before being a Riverdale fan, I’m undoubtedly an Archie Comics fan. The contributing writers completely shit all over Archie Comics by not including the love triangle. Hopefully, the writers stop writing fan service and produce the show the way it’s supposed to be written. I sincerely hope that eventually, the writers diligently pursue the love triangle between Archie, Veronica, and Betty. Otherwise, what was typically the essential point in creating Riverdale in the first place? RAS and the Riverdale writers screwed up big time and merely made a critical writing and administrative error. And because of that, it’s no wonder the show has gone sideways, and the plot and storylines and characterizations of the comic characters are completely over the place. They neglected the one crucial piece of the Archie Comics material, and that is the classic love triangle. Shame on the contributing writers for reluctantly forcing Bughead, a useless ship that is undoubtedly non-existent in the classic comics, and shamefully neglecting and conveniently ignoring the love triangle between Archie, Betty, and Veronica. I don’t want to watch two boring, stale couples of Bughead and Varchie (AKA the Core Four) be all happy and lovey-dovey and act like they are elderly wed couples in high school. NO. I want complex drama. I require the exploration of creative relationships. I want fun and wild excitement. I want breathless suspense. The forced pairings of Varchie and Bughead do not provide me that, and it has strongly diverted me as a loyal viewer of Riverdale. Without that iconic love triangle from the classic comics, the show is going to become stale and boring very quickly. We’re in season 3, and the show already has become stale because of the boring, forced chemistry-lacking couples of Bughead and Varchie being constantly shoved in our grave faces and screaming hysterically “We’re endgame!” so early in the series. Where is the genuine excitement and legitimate interest in that when couples are already declaring their endgame and meant to be together so early in the series? That’s a huge executive writing mistake to put together those kinds of lines and dialogue in a show that’s a teen drama with romance. People are getting bored, and it’s showing in the ratings and in the reviews. Promptly give me the classic love triangle which is supposed to be traditionally established canon on the show and quit writing fan serviced garbage that is forced AKA Bughead and Varchie!

Bughead lacks sexual attraction and romanticism: Bughead doesn't appear to be a romantic enough couple because I find they lack sexual attraction and romanticism in their relationship. I know they have had romantic scenes and sex scenes on the show, but for some reason, there is no spark there. I feel whenever I'm viewing Bughead having a romantic scene or sexual scenes, it’s forced and they act like platonic friends who are intentionally trying to push a romantic connection that isn’t there at all. It is possible it’s the lack of chemistry between the two characters or even more, the two actors (Cole and Lili) but something is entirely missing. With the way that Jughead and Betty look at each other or act around each other, I don’t feel the sense that they are sexually or physically attracted to each other. They never gave each other those kinds of intriguing and passionate looks or glances. They don't have looks where there is complete and total desire or aching or desperate longing to be with each other. I’m uncertain if Jughead is physically or sexually attracted to Betty whatsoever. Affirmative, Betty is an attractive girl, but I don’t think he’s romantically attracted to her as he wants her. I think Jughead loves Betty, but I don’t think he lusts for her. If I accurately compare the way Jughead looks at Betty to the way he looked at Toni or especially Veronica, you can tell the difference. I see the physical and irresistible attraction between Jughead and Veronica. Jughead even admits he is physically and sexually attracted to Veronica in a recent season 3 episode (3x12). Jughead comments on Veronica’s physical beauty and her good looks, calling her “a hell of a good looking one” and “pretty girl.” It is an indication that Jughead holds an attraction towards Veronica. I haven’t heard Jughead express how beautiful or hot he thinks Betty is. I haven’t seen the desire that Jughead is supposed to have for Betty. At this moment in time, I’m not asking for Bughead to be a lustful, all sexual relationship. But the fact that there is little to no sexual or romantic attraction in their relationship leads me to believe there isn’t any sexual tension there. Not only do I think that Jughead isn’t sexually attracted to Betty, but I don’t think that Betty is sexually attracted to Jughead either. I do believe Betty is physically/romantically/sexually attracted to Archie in a notable addition to harboring an emotional attraction to him. That’s where Barchie is superior to Bughead: they have sexual attraction, romantic attraction, and emotional attraction. Bughead is dearly missing the romantic and sexual attraction aspects of their relationship, and that is why they lack organic chemistry. Sure they may have an emotional attraction, but that’s not enough to keep the relationship going. With Bughead, I merely don’t feel like they represent an amorous couple because they lack that romantic spark and desire. It produces an incredibly dull, non-romantic relationship. 

Bughead acts too much like an old married couple: The indisputable fact that Jughead and Betty are already working as though they are a wedded stable couple is pathetic. They are only 16 years old, yet they are acting as though they have been married for 30 or 40 years! They are just teenagers, and I don’t find it realistic for a couple to be that serious so fast at such a young age. Technically speaking, Bughead is typically the first love, teenage relationship yet they intentionally try to act like they represent a mature adult relationship. it doesn’t make sense, and it’s unrealistic. A romantic couple of 16-year-olds pretending they are lawfully married is not what teenage romance is and it’s not what typically happens in the real world. Jughead and Betty need to act accordingly like teenagers in a relationship, not two 50-year-olds who have been married for decades. Because of Bughead acting so mature for their age and acting like an elderly couple already, their relationship is very dull, stale and dry. There is little excitement and enthusiasm in the relationship. When you’re 16, and in a relationship, there is drama, there’s chaos, and there are ups and downs. A typical teenage romantic relationship doesn’t act as though they have been wed for 30 years, have a lively bunch of kids with a beloved dog, and a beautiful big house and white picket fence. It’s unrealistic, and it instantly makes Bughead look like a practical joke. The writers made a dreadful mistake making Bughead look like some old, mature couple because it just doesn’t suit two 16-year-old adolescents. For this reason, I can't take Bughead seriously.

Sprousehart is a PR or publicity couple: My final reason for disliking Bughead undoubtedly has to do with Sprousehart AKA the real-life “relationship” between Cole Sprouse and Lili Reinhart who portrays Jughead and Betty (Bughead). Therefore, it is recognizable for a while now that Cole and Lili are dating off-screen and they are invariably a couple. I know many fans in the Riverdale fandom are convinced that these two are the real deal and that they are in love and blah, blah, blah. But for me? I genuinely think they represent a fake PR couple. My specific reason for genuinely thinking this is because Cole and Lili have consistently failed to have any romantic or sexual on-screen chemistry as Bughead. If Cole and Lili are dating in real life and are undoubtedly in passionate love, then how come when they are portraying Bughead, they don’t have any personal chemistry at all? Shouldn’t a longtime couple that is dating off-screen be able to play a convincing romantic couple on-screen? Like I mentioned in my previous post, I critically compared Sprousehart to Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) and discussed the considerable differences between the two couples. I argued Brangelina were able to showcase their strong off-screen chemistry and their off-screen romance on the screen while they were playing a couple in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. However, Sprousehart can’t achieve the same thing as Bughead. This fact has ushered me to believe that Brangelina signifies a real couple while Sprousehart signifies a fake PR couple. Let’s not forget that the CW Network genuinely seems to specialize in aggressively pushing PR couples to reap buzz and dedicated attention and impressive ratings for their ambitious projects. Remember Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev from The Vampire Diaries? They were, also, a fake CW Network couple. Many attractive CW Network couples seem to last three to five years because it’s in their business contract and part of the deal with their management. Once the business contract is over, and the CW Network has successfully received enough buzz, earnest attention and satisfactory ratings for their specific project, then the two principal actors in the CW Network PR couple break up. That is what happened organically with Nina and Ian on TVD. They precisely dated each other for three years and then suddenly, they broke up and undoubtedly had a strange animosity towards each other. I also believe that Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush who portrayed Lucas Scott and Brooke Davis on One Tree Hill embodied a fake PR couple and were pushed simultaneously together by the WB/CW Network. That is why their marriage didn’t last because it was a business contract and their characters Lucas Scott and Brooke Davis were dating on their show. Sprousehart is falling into the same category as Nian and Chophia, two popular couples that were passionately loved and adored by longtime devoted fans of TVD and OTH respectively. Also, I have compared Sprousehart to Robsten (Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) from the successful Twilight film franchise. Many people still believe Robsten were a real couple and that they were in love in real life. But the reality is they weren’t. Robsten represents a PR couple, and they were forced together by their executive management. Rob and Kristen’s rumored romance was to generate attention, buzz, and money for the Twilight franchise and it was abundantly obvious. Once the Twilight movie franchise was over, Kristen was captured cheating with her movie producer, and there were paparazzi photos of her cheating and canoodling with her movie producer which generated a massive scandal. But here’s the thing. Those Kristen iconic cheating photos were all staged. Kristen had those photos taken on purpose so that she could completely “break up” with Robert and get out of her business contract with him. Now that the Twilight movies were over and Rob and Kristen no longer needed to promote their movies, they could do whatever they wanted after getting out of the contract. Once Kristen and Robert were out of the PR contract, Robert immediately moved on with another attractive girl (the British rapper Twigs), and Kristen came out as bisexual and started courting other women. Another comparable couple to Sprousehart? The royal Disney Network couple, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens AKA Zanessa. They were, also, an exceedingly popular couple during the days of High School Musical. Everyone in the media was talking about them, and there was much buzz and attention generated around their off-screen romance. I believe Zanessa was a PR couple that was pushed together by the Disney Network. Zanessa dating each other screen and being seen together as a couple in genuine life was about attention, money, and ratings for HSM. Interestingly enough, there is a strong parallel between Zanessa and Sprousehart, and that is both of these “couples” had paparazzi photos of them taken while they were walking together on the beach. Nobody can tell me the photos of Sprousehart on the beach in Hawaii from last year were not staged because they were. They are practically identical to the pap photos of Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens when they were on the beach together. I know I sound like a conspiracy theorist, but there have been too many similarities between Sprousehart and other PR couples like Robsten, Zanessa and Nian. If you don’t believe me about the possibility of Sprousehart being a fake PR/publicity couple, please refer to these articles and they will enlighten you about PR/publicity couples in Hollywood and show business: 1.) https://www.thetalko.com/15-celebrity-relationships-that-were-fake-and-we-believed-them/ 2.) https://www.nickiswift.com/2203/hollywood-relationships-completely-fake/ 3.) https://stars.topix.com/slideshow/15764 4.) https://www.slice.ca/love/photos/celebrity-relationships-that-might-not-have-been-real/#!staged-tom-taylor 5.) https://www.vice.com/en_ca/article/gqy9dy/taylor-swift-tom-hiddleston-pr-relationships-promances 6.) https://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/slideshows/12-celebrity-relationships-were-pretty-sure-are-fake/. The fundamental problem is that so many people fall for these fake PR couples because they can look pretty convincing. Therefore though a  couple may be PR and fake, so many naive people, predominantly young fans of the couple, can’t tell they aren’t a true romance and that they are only together for other purposes that traditionally have nothing to do with genuine love and romance. Now, as to why Cole and Lili are in a possibly fake PR romance? I think Cole is in the romance with Lili because it gives him attention and reignites his fame and recognition amongst the media and the public. Cole is pretty famous already due to his legendary past as an established Disney star/ child star in which he grew up in the limelight. However, being on a popular teen drama (Riverdale) and trying to get his foot back into the acting world and possibly the photography world, being in a romantic relationship with one of his co-stars is a sure way to ignite tons of media buzz along with fan attention towards him. Now, just because I believe Cole is in a PR relationship with Lili for his benefit doesn’t mean I think he’s some super cold, ruthless,  ambitious snake that is merely using Lili for his gain. It’s not to say I don’t think Cole likes Lili as a person but do I think he’s romantically involved with her? No, I don’t. At best, I would say Cole is friends with benefits with Lili, but moreover, I sincerely believe Cole is close friends and co-stars with Lili more than anything else. In contrast, I fervently believe that Lili’s key reasons for being in the PR relationship with Cole are much more ruthless and ambitious than Cole's reasons for being in the relationship with Lili. I genuinely think Lili is dating Cole for considerable publicity, established fame and generous recognition. She's undoubtedly a reasonably new and up and coming actress, and by dating Cole, who is already rather famous already, she undoubtedly gains significant attention and extraordinary popularity through her relationship with Cole. Much of the attention that Lili typically gets in the modern media and amongst the Riverdale fandom is because she is dating Cole off-screen, let’s be honest here. Sure, she commands active support herself, and there are loyal fans who like her for her acting and her personality, but it’s her “alleged relationship” with Cole that delivers that extra bit of attention in her favor. I think Lili sees money and fame where her relationship with Cole is concerned. I don’t necessarily think it's about real love and genuine romance, but more about what Cole can do for her future acting or successful Hollywood career. I harbor a distinct feeling that once Riverdale starts to wind down and comes to a close, Sprousehart is likely to break up and go their separate ways, similar to how Nian on TVD did. That’s because I  think Sprousehart is a contracted PR romance that is being used as an iconic brand to efficiently generate social attention and media buzz for Riverdale to help increase its ratings and earn money. The sad thing is many fans of Sprousehart are naive, teenaged girls who believe that life faithfully imitates cinematic art and that like Bughead, Sprousehart are true love and are traditionally the modern-day epic romance. But grievously, they couldn’t be more incorrect. Now, what I’m stating could all be untrue, but I’m only going by what I’ve observed so far with Sprousehart. It is possible I’m mistaken, and they are genuine, but there hasn’t been enough proof or evidence for me to believe otherwise. I also believe that Sprousehart is severely overexposed and overrated, and they are too exposed to modern media. They are too exposed for an odd couple that scarcely has any unique chemistry. Sprousehart is no Humphrey Bogart & Lauren Bacall or Richard Burton & Elizabeth Taylor. Hell, Sprousehart isn’t even Brangelina. As a result, I can’t understand for the life of me why this “couple” is so overexposed in the media. Sprousehart is overhyped, and because of them, the prominent writers have voluntarily chosen to cater to them and Bughead by writing fan service. The sole reason why Bughead is still together on the successful show is because of Sprousehart, the fake PR celebrity couple. The network and the writers know that they have a huge naive fanbase of teenage girls who worship them, and they know that if they break them up, all hell will break loose on the internet. Bughead and Sprousehart by possible extension will represent the imminent downfall of Riverdale, and it will be undoubtedly those two odd couples that will ultimately be this shows demise. 

Those are all of my reasons for hating Bughead. Now that I have listed all my reasons, you can understand why I believe this couple is the worst thing to happen to Riverdale and why I think that this ship needs to sink fast. Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk. ☮️

[aion-rsa]

The Best Books of 2020

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

In 2020, we needed good stories more than ever: To escape, even for a little while. To subvert and question the status quo. And to remind us of the joys of being human. The books listed below fall into one, some, or all of the above categories. We had our contributors select the stories that meant the most to them this year and polled you the reader to compile a subjective yet comprehensive list of some of the year’s best. Here are the books, organized by genre, that broke through the cacophony to mean something to our Den of Geek contributors—and to you—this year…

Quick note before we begin: Like many other areas of the media industry and economy, the independent bookstore industry was hit hard by the lockdown caused by the pandemic, as more people than ever flocked to Amazon to get their reading fix. If you are inspired to purchase any of the titles we gush about below, consider using Bookshop.org or other sites that support independent bookstores (especially Black-owned ones) to do so. They need your help more than ever!

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

Best Horror Books of 2020

Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia

Silvia Moreno-Garcia’s Mexican Gothic was the buzziest release of the summer – and with good reason. Her lush prose, descriptive settings and disturbing plot combine for one of the most compelling – and likely uncomfortable – reads you’ll experience this year. (If you love mushrooms, I’m really sorry in advance.)  

Set in 1950s Mexico, the novel follows the story of the vibrant debutante Noemi, who must journey to a remote mountain village to check up on an ailing cousin, whose mysterious husband keeps insisting she’s mad. If you’ve ever read any Gothic literature before, you know many of the beats that come next: The isolated manor, the creepy servants, the dark dreams, the gaslighting, and the constant sense of rising dread. There’s even a cruel housekeeper that could give Mrs. Danvers more than a run for her money. 

Moreno-Garcia uses nearly every conceivable Gothic trope to her advantage, telling a familiar tale whose often predictable elements still somehow manage to feel fresh and new. This is largely due to the deft way that the author weaves the political and the fantastical together, reckoning with larger issues such as racism, British colonization and Mexico’s fraught history with eugenics. A good story, well told, with more going on beneath the surface than one might expect.

– Lacy Baugher

Devolution by Max Brooks

World War Z author Max Brooks takes on Bigfoot in this excellent eco horror which comes with added resonance during a pandemic. Like in his zombie bestseller, Brooks approaches the story as if it were real—it’s the novel equivalent of a found footage tale with the events that befall the residents of isolated eco community Greenloop documented in the diary of our protagonist Kate. Greenloop is a remote idyll of smart homes powered by sunlight and waste and controlled by phones and tablets where deliveries arrive via drone, but when the eruption of active volcano Mt Rainier cuts them off from the rest of the country the groups survival skills are tested. The trouble is, most members of this wealthy community don’t have any. And that’s before the family of sasquatches turn up…

This is a violent, vibrant horror with carefully drawn characters and an escalating sense of dread. Though there is humour here Brooks manages to make the Bigfoot group scary rather than faintly ridiculous, while the mirroring of the devolving eco society and the rise in power and confidence of their feral counterparts is handled skillfully. Intercut with interviews and real life stories of broken boundaries between man and wildlife it’s a cautionary tale that tells us never to underestimate nature, be wary of an over reliance on technology and that humans have animal instincts too.

– Rosie Fletcher

Survivor Song by Paul Tremblay

Tremblay completed his infection horror Survivor Song long before the pandemic hit but the novel is unsettlingly prescient. An outbreak of a deadly and fast acting strain of rabies has swept the country. Citizens are told to isolate at home while hospital staff are vastly overstretched and are put at risk due to a shortage of proper PPE. But when Doctor Ramola hears that her very pregnant best friend Natalie has been bitten by an infected human she’ll do anything in her power to help deliver the baby safely.

This is an incredibly poignant road trip novel, of sorts, which takes place over just a few hours. It’s a love letter to friendship, an anti-fairytale and a careful character study drenched in Tremblay’s characteristic ‘sad horror’. One ‘interlude’ section, which features characters from Tremblay’s earlier work A Disappearance at Devil’s Rock, is so utterly devastating you’ll want a biscuit and an episode of Schitt’s Creek just to get over it. If Tremblay’s A Headful of Ghosts was his take on the possession subgenre, Survivor Song would fall loosely into the zombie category, though it’s likely to be the most gorgeous and literary zombie novel you’ll read all year.

– Rosie Fletcher

Southern Book Clubs Guide to Slaying Vampires by Grady Hendrix

Despite the slightly twee title, Hendrix’ latest is an evocative and often very frightening tale of a small town terrorized by a violent outsider. Based in the same world as his coming of age masterpiece My Best Friends’ Exorcism this tale is set in the 90s and focuses on the mothers of the small Southern town of Charlston: bored housewives whose work is often denigrated and overlooked.

At the centre is Patricia, who spends her time looking after a senile mother-in-law, almost grown kids and an ungrateful husband. She, along with neighbourhood friends, forms a book group who discuss true crime stories which provide handy knowledge and insight when Patricia begins to suspect handsome stranger James Harris is up to no good. Charleston is where Hendrix grew up so he paints the town vividly and with affection while acknowledging the oppressiveness felt by the women there, and the systematic racism experienced by the black community, whose children are disappearing and who are not being taken seriously.

Across his work from Horrorstor, My Best Friend’s Exorcism to We Sold Our Souls, Hendrix has proven excellent at writing women and girls. It’s no different here, where the Southern mums of Charleston are heroic and fearsome and their friendship is all powerful – if anyone can take on a vampire it’s them.

– Rosie Fletcher

Thirteen Storeys by Jonathan Sims

This extraordinary debut by Sims is a both a multi-genre anthology and an overarching haunted house story. Centred around the mysterious Banyan Court, a housing complex consisting of a thirteen storey luxury high rise and the poorly built and utterly decrepit affordable housing unit hidden behind it, the book introduces us to various residents or people connected to Banyan Court, each of whom receives a mysterious invite to a dinner party on the top floor hosted by the strange and reclusive billionaire who owns the complex. At the end of this party, we are told, the billionaire will plummet 13 storeys to his death, and none of the guests will have any recollection of what happened.

This is a very smart first book, showcasing Sims’ talent in a range of different horror styles and bringing multiple voices without ever feeling overcrowded. There’s the eerie tale of a little girl and her imaginary friend, who might not be as imaginary as you think, the loyal  door man and his violent alter ego competing for supremacy and the art dealer who becomes obsessed with a strange painting. Characters interweave in pleasing ways building to a grotesque but satisfying denouement which ties all the stories together. Sims is an exciting new voice in horror who is definitely one to watch.

– Rosie Fletcher

If It Bleeds by Stephen King – READERS’ CHOICE

The people have spoken!

Stephen King is not only one of the greatest writers of his generation but also one of the most prolific, and nigh a year goes by in which at least one of his stories—either new or adapted—isn’t in the cultural conversation. This year, it was If It Bleeds, a well-rounded horror collection of four previously unpublished stories, including one that features King universe character The Outsider‘s Holly Gibney (in the story that gives the book its name). The novellas revisit many of King’s most popular themes, from supernatural cell phones to the cost of creativity, and manage to feel both modern and nostalgic at the same time. If It Bleeds hit bookshelves in April and, in the midst of the real-life horror that was the pandemic, the continued killings of Black Americans by police officers, and the American presidential election cycle, King gave us something gloriously fictional to be afraid of. Whether you’re a longtime King fan or have never read anything by the horror master, If It Bleeds is well worth your time.

– Kayti Burt

Best Science Fiction Books of 2020

Riot Baby – Tochi Onyebuchi

One of 2020’s most incisive works packed more power into a novella than a book thrice its size; and while its particular story has a dystopian feel, it is actually keenly of the moment: not just the current protests against incarceration and police brutality, but the vicious and violent cycles that imprison, murder, or otherwise cut short Black lives. In an NPR interview at the start of the year when Riot Baby was published, Onyebuchi discussed how well-meaning white people talk about broken systems, when instead Riot Baby concerns “a system working just as designed.” That is, a system that cannot be overturned except possibly by superpowered means—and even then, not always easily.

Ella has a Thing, an otherworldliness to her that allows her to glimpse the fates, positive and negative, of those around her; to astrally project across the country and into others’ minds; to control unimaginable forces. But she can’t break her brother Kev (the “riot baby” of the title, born during the 1992 Los Angeles riots) out of Rikers Island. She can’t stop him from getting arrested in the first place, struggling as an adolescent not to transmute her rage into her powers and hurt those she loves, even as her baby brother is targeted for the color of his skin.

That tension and futility drive this slim account of not just their lives, but of the Black experience, projecting back to the roots of their family tree and forward to the authoritarian near-future in which Kev struggles to build the foundation of the rest of his life. Riot Baby is brutal, but it still nurtures hope—and it’s a necessary read for well-meaning white people like me.

– Natalie Zutter

Star Wars: Shadow Fall – Alexander Freed

This might seem like an odd pick, as it’s the second in a tie-in trilogy, and not particularly accessible if you haven’t read the previous book. But I’m true to myself. This was certainly one of my favorite books of 2020, with the caveat that sometimes favorite means “heavy enough that it, artfully, made me extremely miserable.”

It’s not what you might expect from the generic title. I’m often fascinated by genre writers who try to tackle writing about aimlessness in genre, whether that be slacker heroes or the existential ennui faced by Alphabet Squadron between spaceship gun fights. It’s such a plot-heavy genre that writing about questlessness sounds very hard. And Shadow Fall has done that magic trick. To quote my own tweet, this book is about people who act on mistaken assumptions and concoct entire non-existent relationships in their heads and hurt themselves in fugue states. All of the relationships are intense, but splintered and sideways all the time. Each character is their own carefully defined brand of amoral and brittle. I’ve rarely seen awkwardness portrayed so well in a book without the story itself coming off as edgy and misanthropic.

It’s also a good adventure story, with set-piece battles, a mysterious cult, and a genuinely surprising take on how the Force works from a series that isn’t at all about Jedi. Start with the first book, Alphabet Squadron, don’t mind that title either, and make sure you have some calming tea ready. 

– Megan Crouse

Sex Criminals Vol. 6: Six Criminals by Matt Fraction + Chip Zdarsky

Really, this is celebrating the end of Image Comics’ raunchy-yet-surprisingly-heartfelt series about Suze and Jon, who find out they share the same gift: Their orgasms stop time. So, of course, they start robbing banks—only to discover that it’s not just them with this gift, winding up on the lam from the Sex Police. But rather than treat this audacious premise like a fleeting dirty joke, Fraction and Zdarsky built out a deceptively simple metaphor into a thought-provoking exploration of lust-versus-love, money and class, the chasm between finding someone who “gets” you in the bedroom but not outside of it. With cheek and heart, they boiled all this down to Suze’s refrain of “This fucking guy” that makes me tear up every time I read it.

And it wasn’t all just bodily fluids and dangly bits—Sex Criminals also consistently delighted in pushing its own envelope in all things meta. Drawing in post-it notes to obscure the Queen lyrics they couldn’t get the rights to for a scene they’d already drawn; a sequence in which huge dialogue bubbles physically knock extras out of the way; even turning Fraction’s anxiety attack about writing a key scene between two female characters into its own mini-comic—this team often turned their probing gaze on themselves.

In the Sex Criminals universe, robbing banks was small potatoes, foreplay even—the final volume ascends beyond the initial crime, transforming into a treatise on grief and time and retreating into memory. As the final issue posits, take any significant moment between two people and you have to expand the frame, to look at every single other person who brought these two together, whether for a one-night stand or “to have and to hold.”

In fittingly 2020 fashion, the series concludes bittersweetly, but the final moments come back full circle to where the series started: wanting to prolong that particular pocket of time and space in which it’s just you and your person, the rest of the world be damned.

Yet Sex Criminals’ greatest legacy is that it’s not the last comic to delve into the intersections of sexuality and science fiction. Vault Comics’ Money Shot, from Sarah Beattie and Tim Seeley, is a clear successor with its story of underfunded scientists having sex with alien species in order to subsidize their interstellar teleportation research. As another series about copulating to undermine capitalism, Money Shot carries on the horny torch that Fraction and Zdarsky lit way back in 2013.

– Natalie Zutter

Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey

Queer western speculative fiction. Need we say more? Sarah Gailey, author of Magic for Liars, is back with an all-too-brief tale of Librarians, the only truly free women in this version of the American west, and Esther, a stowaway escaping her small town and plenty of secrets. Nothing is as it seems, including those running the book wagon – one’s a trans guy with they/them pronouns who must masquerade as a woman for his own safety whenever authorities or other prying eyes are near.

While the noir of Magic for Liars made that world feel inevitably dark, Upright has a more hopeful outlook and a wide-open setting that feels full of possibilities, even as the Librarians make their way delivering books in the kind of dystopian setting you might find in The Handmaid’s Tale or The Grace Year. In a year so full of doom, the Librarians are capable and even swashbuckling in their adventures, teaching our newcomer narrator and maybe even making her swoon with their swagger. 

– Delia Harrington

The Resisters by Gish Jen

In AutoAmerica, a not-so-distant future where everything is connected to artificial intelligence and the have-nots are meant to be good consumers and nothing more, a young Black-Asian woman with a gift for pitching baseball becomes the eye of the storm when her country decides to bring back the national pastime and compete in the Olympics.

Come for the underground baseball league, stay for the sly pop culture references. The world is built out so fully that the inevitable movie or limited series version of The Resisters might even be better than the book – blasphemy, I know, but so many concepts and kinds of tech are dropped in that a showrunner and crew would have a field day bringing to life.

It’s rare these days for a man to narrate spec fiction, and he certainly has the least interesting story here, but perhaps he has the best vantage point to admire his talented wife and daughter, the former a lawyer who repeatedly takes on Aunt Nettie, a defiant nickname for the government-backed AI who runs their lives, and the latter, a young woman who was raised in a defiant household, whom he hopes won’t fall for the allure of Aunt Nettie’s promises.

– Delia Harrington

Best Fantasy Books of 2020

A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik

In a year where we are all struggling with how we feel about Harry Potter and its complicated legacy, Naomi Novik’s A Deadly Education has arrived to offer us an entirely different and thoroughly exciting magical boarding school tale. The first in a trilogy dubbed “The Scholomance” after the magical school at which it takes place, the story is sort of like Harry Potter’s dark twin, featuring a difficult female heroine, a unique magical system, and a very dark take on the world of teen magicians. (Plus, it features the sort of effortless, matter-of-fact diversity that more authors – both YA and adult – should emulate.)

Galadriel “El” Higgins is a powerful, potential dark sorceress in her junior year at the Scholomance. Here, students must fight for their lives from the moment of their admission against the horrifying monsters known as malificaria that roam the school halls trying to eat them on their way to class and graduation is simply a test of who can escape a roomful of the largest and deadly creatures in the school. El is powerful enough that she could probably wipe out all of them on her own, but she refuses to embrace her natural affinity for dark, potentially world-destroying spells – no matter how many of her fellow students think she already has. Novik’s prose is as propulsive and fun to read as ever (consider this an additional, belated plug for her icy fantasy Spinning Silver) and A Deadly Education manages to put a fresh spin on what otherwise might feel like a staid, overdone setting. From its prickly heroine to the very real stakes that surround her classmates – most literally won’t live through final exercises – there’s so much here that feels unexpected and new. The sequel cannot come fast enough.

– Lacy Baugher

The Once and Future Witches by Alix E. Harrow

It’s rare that a story truly feels like magic, but such is the case with Alix E. Harrow’s lush and enchanting The Once and Future Witches. Part period piece, part celebration of sisterhood, and part feminist manifesto, the story is a love letter to women of all kinds, everywhere. 

Set in an alternate version of America in the late nineteenth century when witching of all kinds is banned, this is a story about three sisters finding their voices and staking a claim to their own futures. It is also about accidentally summoning a magical tower and returning witchcraft to the world, healing the rifts between sisters and exposing the cracks between people who claim to want justice, but who actively work to oppress others. And it is about the power of community – the great things that can happen when women honestly see one another, support one another, acknowledge the challenges inherent in saying yes to help, and work together to make the world a better place. Isolation is dangerous, both for ourselves and the world we inhabit, and this is a novel that will make you want to call your personal coven and thank them for being there when you needed them. 

Once upon a time, there were three sisters and they starred in a remarkable book, full of fairytales and folklore and old stories made new. In 2020, perhaps more so than ever, the idea of once and future resonates more strongly than it ever has before, the people we were and are, and what we might become – but only if we hold on to each other along the way.

– Lacy Baugher

The Bone Shard Daughter by Andrea Stewart

Multi-perspective fantasy novels are all the rage right now, but Andrea Stewart’s The Bone Shard Daughter is truly something special. Not only does it deftly weave what initially seems like five separate stories together into something powerful and thrilling, the novel contains precisely the sort of compelling characters and rich worldbuilding that make this genre so much fun to read in the first place. 

The first installment in the “Drowning Empire” trilogy, The Bone Shard Daughter is set in a sixteenth-century kingdom comprised of migrating islands that float through something called the Endless Sea. A story of empire and identity as much as it is a story of magic, the book at first follows Lin, the heir to the throne of Phoenix Empire, or, she will be as soon as she has proven she can properly use bone shard magic. 

It’s this central magical system that makes this book so compelling – it involves commands being etched on pieces of human bones harvested from the general public in annual trepanning ceremonies, which are then used to power “constructs,” chimaera-like beings cobbled together out of various animal parts. If that wasn’t creepy enough, these shards literally drain the life energy from their doners to keep the constructs alive, a sort of human battery system that is horrifying to witness. (Especially when it appears that many of the more complex constructs have something like sentience of their own.)

Creepy and thoughtful, The Bone Shard Daughter grabs your attention from its opening lines, dumping you in a complex tale with lots of moving pieces that only gets messier as it goes on, and expects readers to keep up. For those who can manage it, it’s more than worth the journey. (And did I mention there’s a magical aquatic cat?) 

– Lacy Baugher

The City We Became – N.K. Jemisin

Jemisin is a master of fantasy world-building, and she turns that eye to the real world in an unsubtle, masterful New York City under attack by lovecraftian horrors. Funny, weird plot twists abound. This book starts with someone screaming on top of a roof, beautiful mystical singing from his point of view, and a neighbor yelling at him to shut up. There’s a musical beat through the whole thing, and all the ways that music can be added to or enhanced by the city noises all around it. 

Along with living in the city herself, Jemisin meticulously researched its history and quirks. She’s great at digging into detail, but also knows when to go broad, adding pop culture and references that seem obvious in hindsight but not too goofy to maintain the tone of the story. It’s fast-paced, especially toward the end. 

This is distinctly a novel for today, talking about racial tension from a variety of perspectives, and addressing the kind of harassment that comes with those conversations. It’s a snapshot for what’s been talked about on Twitter, what’s being talked about in art galleries and publishing houses. And it’s a snapshot of the city — kind and cruel, raucous and serene. It probably helps that part of this book made me feel some rare home state pride. 

– Megan Crouse

The Unspoken Name by  A.K. Larkwood

The Unspoken Name by K.A. Larkwood sets itself apart in two major ways: its setting and its characters. Priestess Csorwe is fated to be sacrificed to the eldritch god her people worship. But when she’s rescued from that fate with a wizard with ambitions of taking over a kingdom, she becomes a servant to a different master entirely — and has the chance to become far more than a sword-wielding minion. (There’s some cool sword-wielding too.) 

Surrounding her are people motivated by power, ambition, the unknown, the experience of living always in the shadow of the unknown and their sense of what is known becoming askew because of it. It’s about emotional abuse and people who want things and people they shouldn’t and can’t have. At the core is Csorwe, refreshingly straightforward but wonderfully complex in her own way. 

This story plays out in a world the author describes as an “eerie hyperspace labyrinth” that also does great things with some more familiar, but under-explored fantasy elements like flying ships and orcs. Full of strange magic and fascinating creatures, it’s truly inventive. The world may have orcs and elves, but it never feels derivative of the fantasy greats. In more ways than one, this is a book that exemplifies what secondary-world fantasy can be in 2020. 

– Megan Crouse

Wicked as You Wish by Rin Chupeco

It’s a rare thing when I encounter a novel that feels as though it’s written exactly for me. The first time this happened to me was when I (belatedly) read American Gods. Wicked as You Wish is the second book I’ve ever picked up where I immediately felt as though I were the target audience, and the story was just for me.

The story opens with the budding friendship between Tala Makiling Warnock, a girl who can nullify magic, and Alexei Tsarevich, heir to the throne of Avalon, in hiding after a terrible spell froze his kingdom. The Makilings are allies and protectors of the throne of Avalon, and Tala’s family is dedicated to keeping Alex safe—at least until his sixteenth birthday, when the Firebird will arrive and help him come into his powers. But the Snow Queen of Beira, Avalon’s enemy, is eager to finish the war she started, and Alex is keeping secrets of his own.

Rin Chupeco’s world draws on mythological and literary traditions including Wonderland, Oz, and Tala’s Filipino magical heritage, blending them into world building that’s contemporary and relevant (there’s a scene with ICE—at the behest of the Snow Queen facing off against Tala’s immigrant family). And while the book is marketed as YA and would certainly appeal to that audience with it’s predominantly teenaged cast, Chupeco’s sophisticated third-person omniscient narration gives readers insight into the motivations of the adults, who come through as strong leading characters as well. It’s an incredibly smart fantasy novel, and if it requires a little work to keep up with the worldbuilding and twists the story takes, it is absolutely worth the effort. The next book in the series cannot come out soon enough.

– Alana Joli Abbott

Phoenix Extravagant by Yoon Ha Lee

Yoon Ha Lee is better known for writing stories in space than fantasy, but based on his blending of space and mythology in his middle grade novel, The Dragon Pearl, I’d been looking to his first fantasy novel. I was not disappointed. Phoenix Extravagant follows Jebi, a non-binary painter trying to succeed in an occupied nation; when trying to assimilate gets them thrown out of their house by their sister, and fails to get them a well-paying job they’d applied for, Jebi’s at a loss. Jebi has no desire to work at the Ministry of Armor, aiding the war effort that continues to oppress their people by painting the magical commands for automata. But the Minister leaves Jebi no choice: join, or their sister—who, unknown to Jebi, is a revolutionary—will pay the price.

Jebi’s gift for painting allows them to communicate with a dragon automata, who was painted with pacifist instructions, and the two make plans to escape the conflict all together. Lee’s story tackles themes comparable to Peter Tieryas’s “United States of Japan” trilogy and Arkady Martine’s A Memory Called Empire, especially in the way both of those series look at ideas of assimilation and the justice—or injustice—of dues one pays to their government. Lee gives no clear moral answers in the tale—Jebi’s sister seems to prioritize revolution over family, Jebi’s lover has killed people Jebi cares about, and the antagonist may have valid reasons for his evil plots—and that’s part of what makes the story so compelling to navigate. The novel is planned as a standalone, but I’d love to read more set in this world.

– Alana Joli Abbott

Black Sun by Rebecca Roanhorse

Reading Black Sun was like opening a new door in my mind. This is an epic fantasy series opener, and a lot of the tropes are familiar, but they’re all presented with different structure and framework–enough so that the novel feels like something entirely new. The story centers on Serapio’s journey to the homeland of his mother, where a bloody destiny awaits him; the efforts of Sun Priestess Naranpa to revolutionize her priesthood and make them more relevant as true servants uplifting the people of her city; and Xiala a ship captain whose supernatural origins make her both feared and targeted, but whose earthy attitude grounds the story. While Naranpa and Serapio are set up by the cosmology to be enemies, Roanhorse depicts them both so sympathetically that readers will hope for both of them to survive–and thrive–despite whatever fate has in store for them.

Roanhorse draws on indigenous American and Polynesian cultural and physical geography, which makes the world feel rich and new in a genre that has traditionally drawn on classical or feudal Europe for its influences. Using language that tends toward poetic, she plays with time, so that the narrative moves backward and forward around the events rather than in a linear fashion, which means the reveals of the narrative come not as the story progresses, but as readers progress through the story. Don’t be surprised to see this one on all the award lists in 2021.

– Alana Joli Abbott

Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab

A girl makes a deal with the devil to live forever, and is cursed to be forgotten by everyone she meets. It’s the kind of premise a book could coast on, but V.E. Schwab has never been a coaster. From the very beginning of her career, the 33-year-old fantasy author has elevated engaging plot with unforgettable prose, resulting in stories that stick with their readers long after the book has been closed.

With The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, the story is a particularly ambitious one: spanning 300 years, from 18th century France to modern New York City, we follow Addie as she learns how to live an existence in which she cannot hold a job, cannot rent an apartment, cannot have relationships. “We tell these immortality tales of men where all of a sudden they’re immortal and it’s just like, go get rich, go have fun, go have 100 mistresses and just sleep your way through eternity,” Schwab told Den of Geek earlier this year. “But women would never have that option.”

But this is not just Addie’s story. It also belongs to Henry, the only person Addie meets in three centuries who can remember her. Henry is a millennial living in New York, living with mental illness. In a story whose only other two main characters are an immortal woman and a devil, Henry is our human.

Ultimately, like so many of Schwab’s books, The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue is not quite what you expected: romantic and Romantic, modern yet classic, Addie was one of the unforgettable books of 2020.

Best Young Adult Books of 2020

Ruthless Gods by Emily Duncan

Emily Duncan’s “Something Dark and Holy” trilogy is everything YA fiction is not supposed to be: Dark, frightening, unsettling, and very, very bloody. Its second installment, Ruthless Gods, is a complex tale of war, betrayal, and heartbreak – a story that is not particularly hopeful, gory in a way this genre is rarely allowed to be, and populated by heroes who are often anything but. 

The novel follows three lead characters: Nadya, a young mystic who talks to gods but can no longer hear them; Serefin, a king whose country has long been at war with Nadya’s and whose life and consciousness are no longer entirely his own; and Malachiasz, a deeply disturbed boy who either wants to destroy the gods, become one himself, or something in between. Over the course of the story, their lives become intertwined on what feels like a cosmic level, as politics, religion and the very survival of humanity collide. 

Duncan’s prose is rich and lush, full of gorgeous descriptions of eldritch nightmares and frightening visions, with a fair amount of body horror thrown on top. For YA fans, this is a series that is unlike most anything else you’ve encountered this year.

– Lacy Baugher

The Sound of Stars by Alechia Dow

There aren’t a lot of books I read this year that captured the feel of 2020 as well as The Sound of Stars. There’s no pandemic in this book, but the alien invasion that results in humans being locked inside their apartment buildings, unable to socialize, their normal lives taken from them because the world outside just isn’t the same? I’m sure Dow never intended that to be a metaphor, but it worked for me!

The title takes its name from a fictional album performed by fictional band The Starry Eyed, whose media presence before the alien invasion provides a framework for the book. The story centers on Ellie, a black girl determined to help her human community escape through the illegal borrowing of books, and M0Rr1S (Morris), an Ilori labmade, responsible for vaccinating humanity to prepare Earth for Ilora habitation. Morris, unlike other Ilori, is emotional, and loves music; immediately Ellie intrigues him with her bravery and willingness to risk everything for the sake of stories. When he enlists her to steal hidden music for him, their uneasy friendship begins, and as the stakes get higher, Ellie and Morris travel across the country on a mission to save humanity.

The story is fantastical and earnest and hopeful, and it was especially wonderful to experience in the audio production, which featured two excellent voice actors telling the story of stories and music and love.

– Alana Joli Abbott

Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas

“I know the exact moment of inspiration for [Cemtery Boys],” Aiden Thomas told Den of Geek about his YA debut. “[A Tumblr writing prompt asked], ‘What would you do if you summoned a ghost and you couldn’t get rid of it?’ And you see people commenting and stuff and they’re like, ‘Oh, this super spooky, scary thing.’ And I was like, ‘Okay, but what if he was cute?'”

Cemetery Boys is not only breaking new ground when it comes to explorations of trans identity and Latinx culture, it’s also a delightful read. The story of Yadriel, a trans teen boy determined to prove himself a brujo to his traditional Latinx family, Cemetery Boys has the best inciting incident: Trying to get answers about his cousin’s mysterious death, Yadriel attempts to summon the ghost of his cousin. Instead, he summons the (cute) ghost of school “bad boy” Julian. Julian has some questions of his own he’s looking to answer and, when he refuses to leave, Yadriel’s mission gets a little more complicated… especially once Yadriel realizes he might not want Julian to go.

Romantic and hilarious, sweet and suspenseful, Cemetery Boys has so much to fall in love with: from its diverse cast of characters to its vibrant and complex world. Thomas wrote the novel, in part, so that young, marginalized readers would have a story not only to escape into but also “where they see themselves as being incredibly powerful, supported, but very importantly, being loved.” Cemetery Boys is a gift to us all, and a reminder of what is possible when the still far-too-inaccessible publishing industry lets more people in.

“No, it wasn’t the end. It was a better beginning.”

Best Non-Genre Books of 2020

The Darling Killers by Sarah McCarry

Over the summer, mere weeks into lockdown and in the phase of the pandemic where it felt like you couldn’t trust anyone or anything outside of your precarious bubble, author Sarah McCarry began serializing her latest novel The Darling Killers via a weekly Substack newsletter. The sparklingly clever title tells you plenty, but in short, it’s a female-perspective Talented Mr. Ripley by way of Los Angeles’ glittery world of young adult authors whose mastery over words has earned them obsessive fandoms and access to the endless party life.

In the style of the best thrillers, this lush novel provided the perfect escapism as antiheroine Sofia Bencivenga arrives in LA and immediately falls in with a trio of talented, haunted writers: ethereal Alison, bitchy Judith, and charismatic Jaxson. Sofia goes from shadowing their weekly writing dates to conning her way into emerging-writer status, but when Alison dies under suspicious circumstances at one of Jaxson’s fabulous parties, Sofia has to pause in her pursuit of vicariously living through Alison’s life to consider its dangerous flipside.

It would have been enough for the book to skewer the particular cult of YA author celebrity, to mock how every supporting character nurses their own dreams of writing—or at least acting out—The Great American Novel. But McCarry also gets to the heart of yearning to create worlds and characters, the ache of writing-as-processing, the thrill of trying on other stories and lives—she grabs that heart out of your chest and shows it back to you, thumping obscenely but recognizably. Back when the rest of 2020 stretched out ahead of us, especially uncertain, waking up to each installment every Tuesday morning was one of the few things keeping me looking forward to the next week.

– Natalie Zutter

Beach Read by Emily Henry

Beach Read is perhaps the worst misnomer of any book title on this list, and the cover doesn’t help. The lead characters only go to the beach near their adjoining properties once, maybe twice! Emily Henry’s gem lies somewhere between romance and literary fiction, mirroring her characters’ work. In Beach Read, next door neighbors find themselves uncomfortably close – they can see in one another’s windows, when they’re both on the deck they can easily chat at normal volume – and of course their first interaction is fraught.

It doesn’t take long to find out they’re both writers – she, romance; he, literary fiction – and amid an argument about whose work is easier, a challenge to swap genres unfolds. Throughout the heat of the summer they teach one another about their respective genres and open up about their lives. It’s darker than the average romance – he’s writing about a cult where pretty much everyone died; she’s cleaning out her dead father’s home – but if you’re looking for something with adult sex/romance and adult relationships and emotional pitfalls in equal measure, Beach Read has you covered.

– Delia Harrington

Yes, No, Maybe So by Becky Albertalli and Aisha Saeed 

In a year when politics was inescapable and inescapably miserable, Yes, No, Maybe So provided political escapism that soothed my soul in the form of a romcom about a state senate race. While the setup might sound contrived – two teens, a Jewish boy and a Muslim girl volunteer to knock on doors together and fall in love – the book itself featured well-drawn characters. Trading off narration by character and corresponding author, we learn about their home lives, friends, hopes and fears, why they’re invested in this race, and how they really feel about one another.

Taking place mostly during Ramadan, the book has some fun easter eggs for veteran canvassers and field staff while doing a decent job explaining some of the inner workings of a state-level campaign for newcomers. Anyone interested in getting more politically active will find numerous examples in the book of how to do so, and it certainly helps that as Jamie and Maya face their respective fears, they make getting involved seem easier to the reader, too. The book is incredibly earnest, tender and sweet, both about politics and their romance, especially under Jamie’s narration, but Maya and their circumstances bring in a dose of realism to help balance things out so it’s not too saccharine. 

– Delia Harrington

What were your favorite books of the year? Let us know in the comments below.

The post The Best Books of 2020 appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3aMii43

[multsicorn]

i just really love this play alot ;) okay

Working on the theory that I Deserve To Have Fun (said theory has not been validated and is not ready for prime time discussion), I started watching the bootleg file I have of the OBC of Hamilton this afternoon.  (I downloaded it way back when I was in Hamilton fandom, before I went to go to see the play, and held off on watching it until I'd seen the play for Real, and then didn't particularly feel like it afterwards).

Some thoughts & observations:

[these got long and rambling.  lots of lams-shippiness and multi-shippiness, and gen stuff too]

* This play is really fuckin great.  Like, I've loved fandoms based around deeply mediocre and/or inconsistent canons, (looking at you, Check Please for the first, Glee for the second), and sure the hype around Ham was too big for anything to bear, but… yeah, I just really LOVE this canon, whatever its flaws, with so much heart, on so many levels.

* The staging!!!  I think means a lot here specificially cause I've heard all these songs dozens of times, mostly well over a year ago now, but - once in a while recently again, but in any case, I've done all my analysis picking over the songs, and they're inside me to a large extent.  Whereas much of the staging I only saw once, live.

* (And I had a close-up seat, then, which I paid lots of money for and felt Worth It, but I was so focused on the actors' faces, and so didn't read as much of the overall blocking as maybe I could have).

… anyway ….

"Alexander Hamilton"

* Alex taking off his white coat and putting on the brown coat Eliza gives him feels to me, this time, like he's leaving the world of the dead and coming to life.  Standing out from the crowd - of course - from the ensemble that's all wearing all-white - so he's Setting Out, etc., but also - they're back in all-white at the end, like ghosts.  So.  A sort of leaving the world outside time.

(Speaking of Eliza, there, I still always love the Eliza-Angelica-Laurens sequence in which they give Alex the coat, the book, and the bag.  MY SHIPSSS.  Such parallel!)

(And the bit where Washington's the one who's telling Alex he has to make something of himself! - I know I thought about and maybe posted about these things  back when the Grammy performance happened, but, Anyway.)

ALSO, also, 'you could never learn to take your time' being sung over Alex walking at a deliberately restrained pace to match the choreography on the bridge at the back of the stage so he comes down the stairs on the other side at the right time, is… funny.  Ha.  But the line's still true!  - And I just love how much the ensembles' dancing itself works as scenery.

"Aaron Burr, Sir"

* Alex is SO FUCKING EAGER it's RIDICULOUS he's like a PUPPY all like I CAN FRIEND!?!?

Burr may try to pretend he's not having it but he IS a BIT or he wouldn't invite Alex to have a drink etc. and… I love.

And then, every single time I hear the little line not-actually-exchange:

Burr: Fools who run their mouths off wind up dead

Laurens, in his first line in real time: What time is it?  (Showtime!)

Burr: Like I said…

I say, RUDE.

Although honestly - Burr is totally into Alex's ridiculous eagerness, like I said, he's coming closer, he admits something personal, he invites Alex out for a drink, it's not as obvious as Alex (cause he's just not) - and it's pretty RUDE ;), too of the revolutionary trio, from Burr's POV, to by their loudness and brashness and total lack of caution get in the middle of what was just shaping up to be possibly a Great Friendship.  So he can be forgiven for Harbinger of Dooming ;).

“My Shot” & "The Story of Tonight”

* As in most of Alex's interactions with the Gay Trio (Quartet!), I keep switching back and forth between LAMS IS REALLLL (it was, historically) (I wouldn't see it, though, I think, if I didn't know), and just ALEX IS A BI HUMAN DISASTER CUDDLING UP TO EVERY FRIEND HE MAKES.  Like, there's considerably More random arm-and-shoulder touching between Laurens and Alex than everyone else?  "You and I, do or die," (I do die!), and then they split up to each touch another dude, and in a slightly later verse Laurens is back again… oh, no, that 'back again' is "raise a glass to the four of us," BOTH TIMES, cause it has to be, ha.  You can say 'to the two of us,' Laurens, it's okay!  … But, like, otoh, "hard rock like Lancelot, I think your pants look hot, Laurens I like you a lot," is totally Alex flirting with these three dudes he just met all in the space of three lines.  It's great is what I'm saying.  Also Alex could use a positive setting towards people that's not 'will you be my friend and also get in my pants.'

The narrative of the song here, with the rest of the Revolutionary Quartet listening to Alex sceptically for his first few verses till they're impressed - I love the way that Laurens is his first and loudest and most consistent cheerleader ("shout it to the rooftops!"), hey, listen to this guy speak, the way that Alex LOOKS LIKE he's on a soapbox when he literally is, how that evokes the physicality of speaking to the crowd, and how his mind shoots three steps ahead of the present, and, yeah, okay, I just love the Alex/Laurens dynamic most of all, (cause I'm biased ;)), the way that Lauren's idealistic speaking ('raise a glass to freedom,' and, um, what was the start of his verse in My Shot?  whatever it was) makes Alex ~Look at him, and the way he's kinda just looking at Alex all the time.  Walking off arm-in-arm is SO they are together, okay.

(…. there are ten thousand more things in these songs, of course, but this is a post about My FEELINGS.)

“The Schuyler Sisters”

* The sibling back-and-forth dynamic here is just so freaking delightful to watch, it's so complicated, I can FEEL it.  Like, it feels like my sister and me (despite me only having the one)… Eliza going back and forth between Peggy and Angelica, how she's not just the middle sister in age, but she's trying to get Peggy to go along with Angelica's scheme, asking questions of and playing backup to Angelica, just - and the whole "mind at work" thing is perfect and Meaningful too, of course.  But what's harder to talk about here is the sibling dynamics, leading and restraining and following and conciliating, and it's displayed so well in the blocking and acting - and also, I can see how this Eliza falls for and enchants Alex.

Angelica has center stage for most of it, but I love the way Eliza takes center stage for a little bit - and when she does it's not about "work" anymore, but about HOW LUCKY WE ARE TO BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW, which feels kinda painfully and naively optimistic nowadays but… I do believe it's still true, in exactly the same way that I always did, in the same way that line works in the play, recurring even in the worst times.  We're lucky to be alive at any time - there's still so much good in the world, people to love, and work to do.  ("Joy is deliberate.")  And Eliza's pulling focus for a sec to be HEY GUYS ISN"T THIS SO MUCH FUN, before ceding it (joyfully, too, imo!) to Angelica's Things To Do!

Also the particular choreography of the way they three of them spin almost-in-place but trading places?  I can't even figure out what it is, but I'm obsessed with it permanently.

“Farmer Refuted"

* The way that Laurens, Mulligan, and Lafayette all cheer Alex on, and maybe try to restrain him a little, but mostly just cheer him on, is both super fun to watch, and even more fun if you have shipping goggles, so it turns into LOOK HOW GREAT OUR BOYFRIEND IS.  Fun!  I'm just saying.  Come for the story about ambition, stay for the compersion.

Also I would like to note with appreciation Laurens' arm around Aaron Burr at the start of this song, as well as his approach to Burr at the start of "My Shot" - like, dude, he totally had a thing for Burr before he met Alex, but Burr was Not Having it, too hotheaded!  Idk it just amuses me that's all.

And notice how Alex waits to jump in till he has his reply READY~, he's mile-a-minute, yes, but he takes the time he needs to PREPARE for that.

“You’ll Be Back”

* J. Groff is the one original cast member I didn't see, when I went to see the play live, and he is Really Delightful here.  Great play of the madness, the pouting, the playfulness that's actually danger, etc.  Only thing is that I always feel like those "da da da da" choruses sound like they ought to have a classic chorus line kick!  But you couldn't do that with a single person, it would just look ridiculous, and the single-ness vs. ensemble-ness of King George works so well for thematic reasons… but is it still ridiculous to say they have a chorus line kick SOUND in my head?  Because they do.

“Right Hand Man”

* I just love so much how they create an action scene in a song!!!  You might think it wouldn't work, but it DOES, all you need is a few lines describing the back-and-forth progress of a battle.  Just enough.

Why does Washington send Burr away?  You really can't tell!  And I think that works, that ambiguity, no one knows - Burr certainly doesn't know, so that feeling of unfairness festers.  But sometimes you're just not what someone wants, and I think history backs that up too…

That whole little sequence of "how come no one can get you on their staff" (it's one of those lines where the double entendre does really good work, cause WHAT IF he was saying that, right), from Hamilton asking "have I done something wrong, Sir," to making that Decision, with the chorus rising shouting in the background, "I am not throwing away my shot," but would taking the pen be taking the shot or throwing it away - it's the most fraught thing in the musical so far!  And that's a huge part of why I love this musical SO DAMN MUCH, in addition to the way it creates its own vernacular, the complex personal relationships, etc., is how the story of ambition and Doing The Work, is put above everything else.  A promotion with ambiguous risks and rewards Is the most fraught thing in life… the hardest decision to make… I love.  And how Alex wants to fight, and also he's wary of being under command in this particular way, but the moment, the very moment he takes the pen he's charging ahead nonstop again.  "Write to Congress, tell 'em we need supplies," of course all the work he does here is over-simplified, it'd have to be to fit in any way, but… getting support out of Congress was actually one of the more challenging aspects of the war, and something Alex worked on a lot!

Also I love the random shoulder-clasp between Alex and Laurens right before Washington announces Alex as his right-hand man, precisely because it's so seemingly purposeless, like… it's a congrats, man?  Sure.  But also we just have to touch each other at least once a song, it's like, required.  Thank <3.

And overall this whole number, Washington's entrance, etc., and… really just the whole play!  Yeah it's genuinely Quality, it's layered, you can talk about technical or literary aspects, but watching for the first time in A While and just being carried along by the spectacle as much as the story?  It's so Drama, so Extra, it's great.

... and this is only the first third or so of the first act, ha.  To be continued in another post.  Perhaps.

[ebenpink]

“Help! My client is in love with me!” How to establish boundaries in your coaching practice—and avoid all kinds of nasty situations. https://ift.tt/2ImLxO9

What do you do when your fitness client asks you out for a drink? Or texts you at 2am? Or slightly recoils from your touch during an assessment? When you’re a health professional working closely with people who need your help, things can occasionally get awkward. Use this guide to set professional boundaries, while still creating a trusting coach-client relationship.

++++

The details: A Precision Nutrition Certified coach—we’ll call her Sue—reached out to our private Facebook group for advice on a serious problem. Her client, also a coworker, had developed feelings for her.

Sue didn’t feel the same way.

She cared about this client and his goals. He’d already lost 50 pounds with her help.

But she didn’t want to be a caregiver or caretaker. His behavior had become an emotional drain.

When Sue tried to distance herself from the client, he lashed out and became self-destructive. His health habits regressed, and he went back to emotional eating.

As a coaching professional, Sue understood the dynamics. She knew the client’s reliance on her had become unhealthy. And she recognized that she herself was becoming more and more distressed.

Understandably, she felt stuck.

She’d have to confront difficult feelings: The client would be upset.

He’d regress: Asking him to change his behavior would cause a health-damaging backslide.

She was also caught in conflicting close relationships: They work together every day.

Tricky situations like Sue’s are very common in health and fitness coaching.

Yet while therapists, psychologists, and doctors are formally trained to navigate the boundary issues that arise in client-practitioner relationships, fitness professionals often aren’t.

So consider this your crash course for conduct, complete with practical tools you can use now, no matter how where you are in your career.

++++

The relationship between a client and a health practitioner is inherently intimate.

This is true whether you’re a strength coach, a group fitness trainer, a psychologist, a massage therapist, or a yoga instructor.

Deep feelings are discussed. Bodies are touched.

It’s “closeness,” even if it’s not romantic closeness.

As a result of this intimacy, it’s quite common (and natural) for coaches or clients to develop feelings (negative or positive) for each other. Feelings of friendship, tenderness, protectiveness, jealousy, anger, and/or frustration spill into the professional arrangement.

Without honesty, clear expectations, and mature, open communication, stuff gets messy.

Defining and upholding proper boundaries ensures that feelings don’t confuse the ultimate goal: to help the client achieve his or her health goals through self-empowered action.

When we don’t have well-defined and well-communicated roles, everyone is kinda standing around wondering, “What am I allowed to do here? And how are we supposed to interact?”

Anxieties, frustrations, and old hurts emerge, often vaguely and vexingly, and we feel pushed and pulled in many directions.

That’s why we need boundaries.

Boundaries are the invisible lines of division between the service provider and the client or patient, the social (and sometimes physical) norms and practices that define:

who is playing what role (e.g. who is coach and who is client);

what those roles involve (e.g. who provides direction and how); and

what the limits of that professional relationship are (e.g. how available the coach is for the client, or what’s discussed in sessions).

Good boundaries mean that clients:

feel safe and secure with their coaches, trusting they’ll act in their best interests.

understand the care a coach shows is the universal care of an invested, compassionate professional, and not a sign of romantic interest (or some other attachment).

are obligated to show up maturely and responsibly; to regulate their emotions, own their behaviors, and be consistent.

Good boundaries mean that coaches:

avoid ethical breaches or working outside of our scope of practice.

don’t take on more than our share of responsibility for client progress and change.

show our clients clearly who is doing what, when, and how.

recognize the potential power imbalance that is part of coaching, and respect our clients as autonomous individuals.

With clear boundaries, we have fewer misunderstandings and awkward situations.

Which is always good.

With well-defined, strong, healthy boundaries, our “emotional bank account” is freed up to invest in a robust coaching relationship that keeps us as coaches safe and sane, while helping clients reach their goals.

Appropriate behavior is context-dependent.

There’s a green zone: Totally cool almost all of the time. Like smiling and making eye contact as you greet a client.

There are “gray zones”: A little more blurry, and depends on the context and nature of the relationship. Like hugging a client after they just did their first pullup.

And there’s a red zone: Definitely—and always—a hard “no.” Like, “Don’t steal from clients” seems pretty intuitive.

But in real life, boundaries aren’t one-size-fits-all.

Therefore (and to make things more complex), the same action can be “green” with one client and “red” with another.

With a client you have a secure, trusting relationship with, it might be totally cool to exchange the odd gift.

But that newer client you suspect might be crushing on you? Exchanging gifts may send the wrong message and confuse the purpose of the relationship.

Context is everything.

With more experience, trust, and maturity you have more freedom—to get close, to joke, potentially to do or say “inappropriate” things.

With relationships that are newer, more fraught or confused, play by stricter rules.

In terms of ethical codes, health and fitness coaching is a little late to the party.

Other fields of service provision, such as psychology or social work, have clear codes of ethics they abide by.

Many mental and physical health care service providers receive ethics training as part of their certification, but coaches often don’t.

Yet part of your job as a coach is to behave ethically, which includes defining and maintaining clear boundaries.

So Precision Nutrition wrote its own Code of Ethics for the coaches we certify.

You can start with our Code of Ethics as a template, and add to it as you wish, according to your own value system, and the nuances of your practice.

PN Coaching Certification Code of Ethics

In your professional role as a coach:

Act in the client’s best interest. Prioritize their wellbeing, safety, values, goals, and comfort where possible.

Respect the worth and dignity of the clients you serve. Treat all clients with professional courtesy, compassion, and care.

Protect your clients’ privacy and confidentiality. This includes that you:

Follow standard data security protocols, such as protecting your personal logins and storing client data securely.

Be careful what you discuss about clients, and with whom.

Do not disclose personal or identifying details of clients.

Ask permission before sharing anything on social media.

Act with integrity. Make yourself worthy of your clients’ respect and trust. Don’t exploit your clients, financially or otherwise. Don’t seek personal gain from your client relationship (beyond your coaching fees, obviously).

Act with objectivity. Know the rules, regulations, and procedures expected of you, and follow them equitably and appropriately for each client.

Set clear, accurate, and reasonable expectations. Define the terms of the coaching arrangement (e.g. payment, frequency of meeting, how coaching works, etc.) immediately and reinforce them often. Be upfront about what results the client can realistically expect to see.

Have clear professional boundaries. Avoid multiple relationships (e.g. coaching friends or family members; becoming friends with clients) where possible. If you must have multiple relationships, recognize the inherent power imbalance in coaching, and be very clear what hat you’re wearing in a given situation.

Know the limits of your skills and scope of practice. If you can’t serve a client for reasons of ethics or expertise, refer them to another coach and/or care provider if possible.

Keep your skills current. Pursue professional competence, excellence, and mastery. Seek to be a credit to your profession.

8 tools to define boundaries in your coaching practice.

For coaches, there are lots of ways identify, establish, and maintain boundaries in your professional practice. We’ve got 8 to get you started.

The more tools you use, the more clear, comfortable, and secure your relationships will be.

Plus, less awkward situations.

1. Pay attention to your “emotional radar.”

Often, when boundaries get pushed (or trampled on), your body will tell you.

For example, you might notice that around a certain client, you feel tense, “icky,” or even repelled.

If you observe those sensations, check in with yourself.

Are roles defined and contracts clear?

Are you being asked to do things (either implicitly or explicitly) that make you feel uncomfortable?

Are you being exposed to some “TMI” material, either through the content of your client’s words, or images they sent to you?

If you can identify what’s bothering you, work to fix the situation:

Model appropriate behavior.

Communicate clearly, assertively, and maturely. (Keep reading for ideas on how to do this.)

Inform others about your boundaries and expectations for the working relationship. Don’t assume people “should just know” what appropriate behavior is. They might not.

2. Use body language to manage the space between you and your clients.

We “say” a lot without actually saying it.

Humans have a sort of sixth sense when it comes to expressing and reading body language. What we do with our bodies, and what others do, is worth a thousand words.

That means you can actually use your body as a tool to shape the coach-client relationship.

You can use your nonverbal cues to steer or “lead” clients.

For example, if a client is getting a little too close, you can lean or step back a little to increase the distance between you, or put an object between you (such as a desk or bench).

Without using words, this suggests, “This is a better amount of space between us.”

Other times, you may want to encourage closeness.

One simple way to do this is by “mirroring” your clients’ movements (subtly), and making eye contact. This demonstrates your attention and presence, and can foster a feeling of connection.

To convey confidence and authority, stand or sit tall, with good, but relatively relaxed posture. You’ll look like someone worth respecting and listening to.

3. Use your voice to show the right balance of care and authority.

Voices are powerful.

Your voice can command, cajole, calm, or control—and it can help you set and maintain boundaries too.

Generally, a warm, yet professional tone will signify interest and authority.

Speak clearly at a moderate pace, and unless you’re actually asking a question, be careful of a tendency to use a rising tone at the end of a sentence. (Which will make everything sound like a question? And it’ll imply that you don’t need to be taken seriously?)

Match your voice volume and cadence to your client’s to show attunement.

You can also use your voice to steer someone gently if you feel things should be going in a different direction: talking slower and lower to a client who’s gotten worked up and is talking fast and loud; speaking gently to a client who’s intimidated, scared, or defensive; or speaking firmly and clearly to a client who’s gotten a little too… friendly.

4. Write like a pro.

Even if your main jam is one-on-one sessions with clients, talking in an office or on a gym floor, you’ll probably do a fair bit of writing too: in emails or texts, handouts, contracts, and signs on the wall.

Your professional image is reflected in your writing, so cover the basics: Use proper punctuation, check your spelling, and get your message across clearly and concisely.

Make sure signs are clearly displayed and contracts are reviewed and understood, ideally before you begin your coaching relationship.

Signs and contracts tell clients what to expect, what their responsibilities are, and what you’re here for (and not here for). Articulate this up front, and you’ll have fewer problems later.

5. Make informed consent an ongoing conversation.

If you’ve ever joined a gym, had a massage, received psychotherapy, or joined a sports team, you might have had to go through some kind of informed consent and waiver-signing process.

An informed consent form usually covers things like scope of services and liability, and the potential risks to clients. It’s a good idea for every coaching practice to have one.

But it doesn’t have to stop there.

If made an ongoing conversation, the informed consent process can be an awesome, useful tool that helps define boundaries and helps clients feel heard, respected, and comforted.

Check in with your client on consent topics every few weeks. You can organize the conversation around themes like:

What’s happening for you as a client right now? Can you give me a “status update” about how you feel / think about our process, or your current situation?

Are you OK with what’s happening now? Does this match what you expected or wanted? Would you feel more comfortable doing something differently?

Do you understand what’s happening now? Do you as a client, comprehend why we’re doing something, and/or what the risks and benefits are? Do you understand how this activity connects to your goals?

Do you want to continue in this direction? Or do you need a break? Informed consent includes the client knowing that they have the right to say no to anything the coach proposes.

6. Protect your time.

Pop quiz: If a client texts you at 2am, do you respond?

Clients may email, text, or even call at all hours of the day or night. While you can have your business hours clearly displayed on your website, contracts, or signs around your office, clients may still pop in when it’s convenient for them.

That’s OK. (So long as they’re not banging on the door of your personal home at midnight. That’s “red zone” material.)

When and how quickly you respond to clients signals to them what you will accept, and what they should expect.

For example, if you start answering emails at 10:30 at night, a client may expect you to be available during those hours. If you always respond to texts within three minutes, a client may expect nearly immediate answers from you.

You get to decide what your boundaries are here, and what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want your evenings to be crowded out by client emails, then turn the computer off before dinner, and respond to them in the morning.

Similarly, you get to set the tone for how time is spent during your in-person time with clients.

If a client is consistently late or missing appointments, or if they keep directing the conversation to who they went out with on the weekend instead of how their food journaling went, then it’s your job to gently but firmly call them out.

Sometimes an adult conversation needs to happen.

Like:

“Hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been 20 minutes late for the last three appointments. Is this still a good time for you? If it is, let’s agree to start our session on time so we don’t have to cut into your appointment time.”

Or:

“It sounds like you had a fun weekend! But hey, I’d love to talk about your nutrition. I know one of your goals is to eat better, and I’m curious to know about how you’ve been doing. The more we focus our conversation, the better we can get both of our needs met.”

Approach these conversations as if you and your client are on the same team, rather than adversaries. Be friendly, and focus on the win you both want!

7. Dress sharp.

One perk of being a coach: You get to dress comfy!

One downside of being a coach: You get to dress comfy! Which means that sometimes, it’s hard to know what looks appropriate and also helps you demonstrate a squat or run a few agility ladders.

However, if you choose carefully, you can convey professionalism in athletic gear.

If you look professional, your clients will be less likely to treat you as a buddy or a potential hookup, and more likely to treat you as, well, a professional.

Make sure your clothes are clean and well-maintained, and that all your, um, parts are contained.

Your dress should also be appropriate to your environment. If you work at a gym, gym clothes are good. If you work in an office, “business casual” is likely the better dress code.

8. If physical contact is necessary, check in with your client’s experience of it often.

If you’re a personal trainer, massage therapist, yoga teacher, chiropractor, etc., body work is part of your job.

Make sure to have clients sign a form that provides consent to touch.

Even with contracts signed and squared off, always ask your clients for permission before you touch them, especially in potentially awkward or vulnerable areas. (This is especially important in situations where touch could be misinterpreted—for instance, a male personal trainer touching a female client’s glutes.)

If you’re a coach, here’s a handy checklist for considering boundaries when touching your client.

Does touching my client make sense in the context of our professional relationship? Am I, for example, a massage therapist or personal trainer legitimately touching my client in particular ways?

Does touching my client raise any issues given our social identities? That’s a fancy way of saying who are you, and who are they? Are you male, female, older, younger, the coach, the client (and so on)?

Does touching my client make sense in a cultural or social context? Different cultures have different norms on touch. And “culture” can be anything. For instance, your local MMA gym may consider it perfectly normal to choke someone with your thighs… but that’s not a good look at your average gym.

What are the benefits to touching my client? Am I helping teach them an exercise, giving them useful feedback, creating a genuine personal connection, and/or calming them?

What are the potential risks to touching my client? Might I be invading their boundaries, making them feel less comfortable, or sending signals that could be misinterpreted?

What are my motivations for touching my client? Is this to benefit them, or me?

Do I know my client’s personal history or level of comfort with touch? Some people have a history of physical or sexual abuse, or simply aren’t that comfortable being touched. Since you likely don’t know all clients’ personal details, start by assuming your client may have some kind of discomfort with touching. Proceed slowly with caution and assess their comfort as you go.

How am I letting my client know what to expect? A simple way to judge comfort is just to announce, then ask. For example, “I’m going to put my hand just underneath your left armpit to feel if your lat muscles are engaged. Is that OK?”

What feedback am I getting? Read body language, and ask. If your client gives you a hearty handshake with a bro-back-slap while making eye contact and smiling, you’re probably good to do the same. If you hug them and they shrink back or go rigid, quit hugging them.

Have alternatives handy. If you’re trying to give a client proprioceptive feedback, you can often use some neutral object (like having their butt hit a wall when you’re teaching a hip hinge). If hugging is a no, you may be able to do a less-threatening touch of the upper arm, or just work your smile and wave game.

And this should go without saying, but we’re gonna say it anyway:

For heaven’s sake, don’t touch your clients inappropriately. If you don’t know what constitutes consent or assault, educate yourself.

What to do next

When your “boundary radar” goes off, pay attention.

Don’t wait or avoid a situation that’s bothering you.

If you do, it’ll often get worse.

Prevention is the best option here, but if that hasn’t worked, then sometimes you’ll need to deal directly with an uncomfortable situation.

If possible, prepare documentation—such as emails, text messages, or a written summary of what happened from your perspective—or discussion topics in advance, and consider your overall strategy before having a difficult conversation.

Remember: You never have to work with someone who’s abusive, aggressive, or otherwise violates your boundaries.

Whether it’s a persistent series of misunderstandings and misalignments; someone who constantly gives you the “ugh” or “uh-oh” feeling; or outright harassment, you never have to tolerate a physically or psychologically harmful situation.

Get out or refer out.

Want strategies to level up your coaching?

It’s no secret that master coaches develop over time, through education and consistent practice, usually under the guidance of a mentor or coach.

Precision Nutrition is the only company in the world that both works with thousands of our own nutrition coaching clients and teaches health, fitness, and wellness professionals our real-world methods for getting results.

And here’s some great news: Our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class kicks off on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2019.

Want to achieve total confidence in your coaching skills? Get (and keep) more clients? Grow and strengthen your practice? If so, the Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification is definitely for you.

It’s designed specifically for Level 1 students and grads who realize that knowing about the science of nutrition isn’t enough.

Part master class, part grad program, part mentorship, it’s the only course in the world designed to help you master the art of coaching, meaning better results for your clients and a better practice for you.

Since we only take a limited number of professionals, and since the program sells out every time, I strongly recommend you add your name to our VIP List below. When you do, you get the chance to sign up 24 hours before everyone else. Even better, you get a huge discount off the general price of the program.

[Note: The Level 2 Master Class is only for students and grads of our Level 1 Certification. So if you haven’t yet enrolled in that program, please begin there.]

Interested? Add your name to the VIP list. You’ll save up to 37% and secure your spot 24 hours before everyone else.

We’ll be opening up spots in our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class on Wednesday, April 3rd.

If you want to find out more, we’ve set up the following VIP list which gives you two advantages.

Pay less than everyone else. We like to reward people who are eager to get started and ready to gain mastery in their coaching practice. So we’re offering a discount of up to 37% off the general price when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list.

Sign up 24 hours before the general public and increase your chances of getting a spot. We only open the PN Master Class twice per year. Due to high demand and a very limited number of spots, we expect it to sell out fast. But when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list, we’ll give you the opportunity to register a full 24 hours before anyone else.

If you’re ready to take the next step in becoming a world-class coach, we’re ready to share our knowledge and help you master the art of coaching.

//

References

Click here to view the information sources referenced in this article.

Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association. (2015). Standards of Practice (5th ed.) [PDF file]. Ottawa, ON. Retrieved from https://www.ccpa-accp.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/StandardsOfPractice_en_June2015.pdf

Canadian Association of Social Workers. (2005). Code of Ethics [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.casw-acts.ca/sites/default/files/documents/casw_code_of_ethics.pdf

Bryson, Sandy. Understanding Professional Boundaries [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.dsc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Understanding-Professional-Boundaries.pdf

The post “Help! My client is in love with me!” How to establish boundaries in your coaching practice—and avoid all kinds of nasty situations. appeared first on Precision Nutrition.

from Blog – Precision Nutrition https://ift.tt/2Ngdo1g via IFTTT https://ift.tt/2GyD4Wf

[oovitus]

Boundary issues: What to do when a client is in love with you, and other sticky situations.

What do you do when your client asks you out for a drink? Or texts at 2am? When you’re a health and fitness professional working closely with people who need your help, things can occasionally get awkward. Use this guide to set boundaries, while still creating a trusting coach-client relationship.

++++

The details: A Precision Nutrition Certified coach—we’ll call her Sue—reached out to our private Facebook group for advice on a serious problem. Her client, also a coworker, had developed feelings for her.

Sue didn’t feel the same way.

She cared about this client and his goals. He’d already lost 50 pounds with her help.

But she didn’t want to be a caregiver or caretaker. His behavior had become an emotional drain.

When Sue tried to distance herself from the client, he lashed out and became self-destructive. His health habits regressed, and he went back to emotional eating.

As a coaching professional, Sue understood the dynamics. She knew the client’s reliance on her had become unhealthy. And she recognized that she herself was becoming more and more distressed.

Understandably, she felt stuck.

She’d have to confront difficult feelings: The client would be upset.

He’d regress: Asking him to change his behavior would cause a health-damaging backslide.

She was also caught in conflicting close relationships: They work together every day.

Tricky situations like Sue’s are very common in health and fitness coaching.

Yet while therapists, psychologists, and doctors are formally trained to navigate the boundary issues that arise in client-practitioner relationships, fitness professionals often aren’t.

So consider this your crash course for conduct, complete with practical tools you can use now, no matter where you are in your career.

++++

The relationship between a client and a health practitioner is inherently intimate.

This is true whether you’re a strength coach, a group fitness trainer, a psychologist, a massage therapist, or a yoga instructor.

Deep feelings are discussed. Bodies are touched.

It’s “closeness,” even if it’s not romantic closeness.

As a result of this intimacy, it’s quite common (and natural) for coaches or clients to develop feelings (negative or positive) for each other. Feelings of friendship, tenderness, protectiveness, jealousy, anger, and/or frustration spill into the professional arrangement.

Without honesty and clear expectations, stuff gets messy.

Defining and upholding proper boundaries ensures that feelings don’t confuse the ultimate goal: to help the client achieve his or her health goals through self-empowered action.

When we don’t have well-defined and well-communicated roles, everyone is kinda standing around wondering, “What am I allowed to do here? And how are we supposed to interact?”

Anxieties, frustrations, and old hurts emerge, often vaguely and vexingly, and we feel pushed and pulled in many directions.

That’s why we need boundaries.

Boundaries are the invisible lines of division between the service provider and the client or patient, the social (and sometimes physical) norms and practices that define:

who is playing what role (e.g. who is coach and who is client);

what those roles involve (e.g. who provides direction and how); and

what the limits of that professional relationship are (e.g. how available the coach is for the client, or what’s discussed in sessions).

Good boundaries mean that clients:

feel safe and secure with their coaches, trusting they’ll act in their best interests.

understand the care a coach shows is the universal care of an invested, compassionate professional, and not a sign of romantic interest (or some other attachment).

are obligated to show up maturely and responsibly; to regulate their emotions, own their behaviors, and be consistent.

Good boundaries mean that coaches:

avoid ethical breaches or working outside of our scope of practice.

don’t take on more than our share of responsibility for client progress and change.

show our clients clearly who is doing what, when, and how.

recognize the potential power imbalance that is part of coaching, and respect our clients as autonomous individuals.

With clear boundaries, we have fewer misunderstandings and awkward situations.

Which is always good.

With well-defined, strong, healthy boundaries, our “emotional bank account” is freed up to invest in a robust coaching relationship that keeps us as coaches safe and sane, while helping clients reach their goals.

Appropriate (and also creepy) behavior is context-dependent.

There’s a green zone: Totally cool almost all of the time. Like smiling and making eye contact as you greet a client.

There are “gray zones”: A little more blurry, and depends on the context and nature of the relationship. Like hugging a client after they just did their first pullup.

And there’s a red zone: Definitely—and always—a hard “no.” Like, “Don’t steal from clients” seems pretty intuitive.

But in real life, boundaries aren’t one-size-fits-all.

Therefore (and to make things more complex), the same action can be “green” with one client and “red” with another.

With a client you have a secure, trusting relationship with, it might be totally cool to exchange the odd gift.

But that newer client you suspect might be crushing on you? Exchanging gifts may send the wrong message and confuse the purpose of the relationship.

Context is everything.

With more experience, trust, and maturity you have more freedom—to get close, to joke, potentially to do or say “inappropriate” things.

With relationships that are newer, more fraught or confused, play by stricter rules.

In terms of ethical codes, health and fitness coaching is a little late to the party.

Other fields of service provision, such as psychology or social work, have clear codes of ethics they abide by.

Many mental and physical health care service providers receive ethics training as part of their certification, but coaches often don’t.

Yet part of your job as a coach is to behave ethically, which includes defining and maintaining clear boundaries.

So Precision Nutrition wrote its own Code of Ethics for the coaches we certify.

You can start with our Code of Ethics as a template, and add to it as you wish, according to your own value system, and the nuances of your practice.

PN Coaching Certification Code of Ethics

In your professional role as a coach:

Act in the client’s best interest. Prioritize their wellbeing, safety, values, goals, and comfort where possible.

Respect the worth and dignity of the clients you serve. Treat all clients with professional courtesy, compassion, and care.

Protect your clients’ privacy and confidentiality. This includes that you:

Follow standard data security protocols, such as protecting your personal logins and storing client data securely.

Be careful what you discuss about clients, and with whom.

Do not disclose personal or identifying details of clients.

Ask permission before sharing anything on social media.

Act with integrity. Make yourself worthy of your clients’ respect and trust. Don’t exploit your clients, financially or otherwise. Don’t seek personal gain from your client relationship (beyond your coaching fees, obviously).

Act with objectivity. Know the rules, regulations, and procedures expected of you, and follow them equitably and appropriately for each client.

Set clear, accurate, and reasonable expectations. Define the terms of the coaching arrangement (e.g. payment, frequency of meeting, how coaching works, etc.) immediately and reinforce them often. Be upfront about what results the client can realistically expect to see.

Have clear professional boundaries. Avoid multiple relationships (e.g. coaching friends or family members; becoming friends with clients) where possible. If you must have multiple relationships, recognize the inherent power imbalance in coaching, and be very clear what hat you’re wearing in a given situation.

Know the limits of your skills and scope of practice. If you can’t serve a client for reasons of ethics or expertise, refer them to another coach and/or care provider if possible.

Keep your skills current. Pursue professional competence, excellence, and mastery. Seek to be a credit to your profession.

8 ways to stay out of sticky situations.

For coaches, there are lots of ways identify, establish, and maintain boundaries in your professional practice. We’ve got 8 to get you started.

The more tools you use, the more clear, comfortable, and secure your relationships will be.

Plus, less awkward moments.

1. Pay attention to your “emotional radar.”

Often, when boundaries get pushed (or trampled on), your body will tell you.

For example, you might notice that around a certain client, you feel tense, “icky,” or even repelled.

If you observe those sensations, check in with yourself.

Are roles defined and contracts clear?

Are you being asked to do things (either implicitly or explicitly) that make you feel uncomfortable?

Are you being exposed to some “TMI” material, either through the content of your client’s words, or images they sent to you?

If you can identify what’s bothering you, work to fix the situation:

Model appropriate behavior.

Communicate clearly, assertively, and maturely. (Keep reading for ideas on how to do this.)

Inform others about your boundaries and expectations for the working relationship. Don’t assume people “should just know” what appropriate behavior is. They might not.

2. Use body language to manage the space between you and your clients.

We “say” a lot without actually saying it.

Humans have a sort of sixth sense when it comes to expressing and reading body language. What we do with our bodies, and what others do, is worth a thousand words.

That means you can actually use your body as a tool to shape the coach-client relationship.

You can use your nonverbal cues to steer or “lead” clients.

For example, if a client is getting a little too close, you can lean or step back a little to increase the distance between you, or put an object between you (such as a desk or bench).

Without using words, this suggests, “This is a better amount of space between us.”

Other times, you may want to encourage closeness.

One simple way to do this is by “mirroring” your clients’ movements (subtly), and making eye contact. This demonstrates your attention and presence, and can foster a feeling of connection.

To convey confidence and authority, stand or sit tall, with good, but relatively relaxed posture. You’ll look like someone worth respecting and listening to.

3. Use your voice to show the right balance of care and authority.

Voices are powerful.

Your voice can command, cajole, calm, or control—and it can help you set and maintain boundaries too.

Generally, a warm, yet professional tone will signify interest and authority.

Speak clearly at a moderate pace, and unless you’re actually asking a question, be careful of a tendency to use a rising tone at the end of a sentence. (Which will make everything sound like a question? And it’ll imply that you don’t need to be taken seriously?)

Match your voice volume and cadence to your client’s to show attunement.

You can also use your voice to steer someone gently if you feel things should be going in a different direction: talking slower and lower to a client who’s gotten worked up and is talking fast and loud; speaking gently to a client who’s intimidated, scared, or defensive; or speaking firmly and clearly to a client who’s gotten a little too… friendly.

4. Write like a pro (or at least a good middle school student)

Even if your main jam is one-on-one sessions with clients, talking in an office or on a gym floor, you’ll probably do a fair bit of writing too: in emails or texts, handouts, contracts, and signs on the wall.

Your professional image is reflected in your writing, so cover the basics: Use proper punctuation, check your spelling, and get your message across clearly and concisely.

Make sure signs are clearly displayed and contracts are reviewed and understood, ideally before you begin your coaching relationship.

Signs and contracts tell clients what to expect, what their responsibilities are, and what you’re here for (and not here for). Articulate this up front, and you’ll have fewer problems later.

5. Make informed consent an ongoing conversation.

If you’ve ever joined a gym, had a massage, received psychotherapy, or joined a sports team, you might have had to go through some kind of informed consent and waiver-signing process.

An informed consent form usually covers things like scope of services and liability, and the potential risks to clients. It’s a good idea for every coaching practice to have one.

But it doesn’t have to stop there.

If made an ongoing conversation, the informed consent process can be an awesome, useful tool that helps define boundaries and helps clients feel heard, respected, and comforted.

Check in with your client on consent topics every few weeks. You can organize the conversation around themes like:

What’s happening for you as a client right now? Can you give me a “status update” about how you feel / think about our process, or your current situation?

Are you OK with what’s happening now? Does this match what you expected or wanted? Would you feel more comfortable doing something differently?

Do you understand what’s happening now? Do you as a client, comprehend why we’re doing something, and/or what the risks and benefits are? Do you understand how this activity connects to your goals?

Do you want to continue in this direction? Or do you need a break? Informed consent includes the client knowing that they have the right to say no to anything the coach proposes.

6. Protect your time.

Pop quiz: If a client texts you at 2am, do you respond?

Clients may email, text, or even call at all hours of the day or night. While you can have your business hours clearly displayed on your website, contracts, or signs around your office, clients may still pop in when it’s convenient for them.

That’s OK. (So long as they’re not banging on the door of your personal home at midnight. That’s “red zone” material.)

When and how quickly you respond to clients signals to them what you will accept, and what they should expect.

For example, if you start answering emails at 10:30 at night, a client may expect you to be available during those hours. If you always respond to texts within three minutes, a client may expect nearly immediate answers from you.

You get to decide what your boundaries are here, and what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want your evenings to be crowded out by client emails, then turn the computer off before dinner, and respond to them in the morning.

Similarly, you get to set the tone for how time is spent during your in-person time with clients.

If a client is consistently late or missing appointments, or if they keep directing the conversation to who they went out with on the weekend instead of how their food journaling went, then it’s your job to gently but firmly call them out.

Sometimes an adult conversation needs to happen.

Like:

“Hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been 20 minutes late for the last three appointments. Is this still a good time for you? If it is, let’s agree to start our session on time so we don’t have to cut into your appointment time.”

Or:

“It sounds like you had a fun weekend! But hey, I’d love to talk about your nutrition. I know one of your goals is to eat better, and I’m curious to know about how you’ve been doing. The more we focus our conversation, the better we can get both of our needs met.”

Approach these conversations as if you and your client are on the same team, rather than adversaries. Be friendly, and focus on the win you both want!

7. Dress sharp.

One perk of being a coach: You get to dress comfy!

One downside of being a coach: You get to dress comfy! Which means that sometimes, it’s hard to know what looks appropriate and also helps you demonstrate a squat or run a few agility ladders.

However, if you choose carefully, you can convey professionalism in athletic gear.

If you look professional, your clients will be less likely to treat you as a buddy or a potential hookup, and more likely to treat you as, well, a professional.

Make sure your clothes are clean and well-maintained, and that all your, um, parts are contained.

Your dress should also be appropriate to your environment. If you work at a gym, gym clothes are good. If you work in an office, “business casual” is likely the better dress code.

8. If physical contact is necessary, check in with your client’s experience of it often.

If you’re a personal trainer, massage therapist, yoga teacher, chiropractor, etc., body work is part of your job.

Make sure to have clients sign a form that provides consent to touch.

Even with contracts signed and squared off, always ask your clients for permission before you touch them, especially in potentially awkward or vulnerable areas. (This is especially important in situations where touch could be misinterpreted—for instance, a male personal trainer touching a female client’s glutes.)

If you’re a coach, here’s a handy checklist for considering boundaries when touching your client.

Does touching my client make sense in the context of our professional relationship? Am I, for example, a massage therapist or personal trainer legitimately touching my client in particular ways?

Does touching my client raise any issues given our social identities? That’s a fancy way of saying who are you, and who are they? Are you male, female, older, younger, the coach, the client (and so on)?

Does touching my client make sense in a cultural or social context? Different cultures have different norms on touch. And “culture” can be anything. For instance, your local MMA gym may consider it perfectly normal to choke someone with your thighs… but that’s not a good look at your average gym.

What are the benefits to touching my client? Am I helping teach them an exercise, giving them useful feedback, creating a genuine personal connection, and/or calming them?

What are the potential risks to touching my client? Might I be invading their boundaries, making them feel less comfortable, or sending signals that could be misinterpreted?

What are my motivations for touching my client? Is this to benefit them, or me?

Do I know my client’s personal history or level of comfort with touch? Some people have a history of physical or sexual abuse, or simply aren’t that comfortable being touched. Since you likely don’t know all clients’ personal details, start by assuming your client may have some kind of discomfort with touching. Proceed slowly with caution and assess their comfort as you go.

How am I letting my client know what to expect? A simple way to judge comfort is just to announce, then ask. For example, “I’m going to put my hand just underneath your left armpit to feel if your lat muscles are engaged. Is that OK?”

What feedback am I getting? Read body language, and ask. If your client gives you a hearty handshake with a bro-back-slap while making eye contact and smiling, you’re probably good to do the same. If you hug them and they shrink back or go rigid, quit hugging them.

Have alternatives handy. If you’re trying to give a client proprioceptive feedback, you can often use some neutral object (like having their butt hit a wall when you’re teaching a hip hinge). If hugging is a no, you may be able to do a less-threatening touch of the upper arm, or just work your smile and wave game.

And this should go without saying, but we’re gonna say it anyway:

For heaven’s sake, don’t touch your clients inappropriately. If you don’t know what constitutes consent or assault, educate yourself.

What to do next

When your “boundary radar” goes off, pay attention.

Don’t wait or avoid a situation that’s bothering you.

If you do, it’ll often get worse.

Prevention is the best option here, but if that hasn’t worked, then sometimes you’ll need to deal directly with an uncomfortable situation.

If possible, prepare documentation—such as emails, text messages, or a written summary of what happened from your perspective—or discussion topics in advance, and consider your overall strategy before having a difficult conversation.

Remember: You never have to work with someone who’s abusive, aggressive, or otherwise violates your boundaries.

Whether it’s a persistent series of misunderstandings and misalignments; someone who constantly gives you the “ugh” or “uh-oh” feeling; or outright harassment, you never have to tolerate a physically or psychologically harmful situation.

Get out or refer out.

Want strategies to level up your coaching?

It’s no secret that master coaches develop over time, through education and consistent practice, usually under the guidance of a mentor or coach.

Precision Nutrition is the only company in the world that both works with thousands of our own nutrition coaching clients and teaches health, fitness, and wellness professionals our real-world methods for getting results.

And here’s some great news: Our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class kicks off on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2019.

Want to achieve total confidence in your coaching skills? Get (and keep) more clients? Grow and strengthen your practice? If so, the Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification is definitely for you.

It’s designed specifically for Level 1 students and grads who realize that knowing about the science of nutrition isn’t enough.

Part master class, part grad program, part mentorship, it’s the only course in the world designed to help you master the art of coaching, meaning better results for your clients and a better practice for you.

Since we only take a limited number of professionals, and since the program sells out every time, I strongly recommend you add your name to our VIP List below. When you do, you get the chance to sign up 24 hours before everyone else. Even better, you get a huge discount off the general price of the program.

[Note: The Level 2 Master Class is only for students and grads of our Level 1 Certification. So if you haven’t yet enrolled in that program, please begin there.]

Interested? Add your name to the VIP list. You’ll save up to 37% and secure your spot 24 hours before everyone else.

We’ll be opening up spots in our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class on Wednesday, April 3rd.

If you want to find out more, we’ve set up the following VIP list which gives you two advantages.

Pay less than everyone else. We like to reward people who are eager to get started and ready to gain mastery in their coaching practice. So we’re offering a discount of up to 37% off the general price when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list.

Sign up 24 hours before the general public and increase your chances of getting a spot. We only open the PN Master Class twice per year. Due to high demand and a very limited number of spots, we expect it to sell out fast. But when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list, we’ll give you the opportunity to register a full 24 hours before anyone else.

If you’re ready to take the next step in becoming a world-class coach, we’re ready to share our knowledge and help you master the art of coaching.

jQuery(document).ready(function(){ jQuery("#references_link").click(function(){ jQuery("#references_holder").show(); jQuery("#references_link").parent().hide(); }); });

References

Click here to view the information sources referenced in this article.

Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association. (2015). Standards of Practice (5th ed.) [PDF file]. Ottawa, ON. Retrieved from https://www.ccpa-accp.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/StandardsOfPractice_en_June2015.pdf

Canadian Association of Social Workers. (2005). Code of Ethics [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.casw-acts.ca/sites/default/files/documents/casw_code_of_ethics.pdf

Bryson, Sandy. Understanding Professional Boundaries [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.dsc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Understanding-Professional-Boundaries.pdf

The post Boundary issues: What to do when a client is in love with you, and other sticky situations. appeared first on Precision Nutrition.

Boundary issues: What to do when a client is in love with you, and other sticky situations. published first on https://storeseapharmacy.tumblr.com

[foursprout-blog]

5 Reasons I’m Glad I Got the Fuck Over Myself and Went To Therapy

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/5-reasons-im-glad-i-got-the-fuck-over-myself-and-went-to-therapy/

5 Reasons I’m Glad I Got the Fuck Over Myself and Went To Therapy

Nitish Meena / Unsplash

I am in good mental health.

Even in my darkest moments, this is what I told myself. The facts seemed to support me. I’d never been diagnosed with a mental illness. I never needed pills to cure anything more than sinusitis. I had a great childhood. I was in control—stable and calm; cool and collected.

Except when I wasn’t. Every now and then, stress would kick my brain into overdrive and I didn’t know how to take back the wheel. I’d feel attacked by bouts of insecurity, helplessness, and anxiety. I’d call my parents in exasperation and then lash out when their words weren’t what I wanted to hear. My remedies were to smoke weed, sleep, and hope that I felt better the next day. I usually did.

I was initially inspired to book a session with a therapist after making a dentist’s appointment. I thought it was basically the same idea. When I told my mom my plan, she asked, “When the psychiatrist asks why you’re there, what are you going to say?”

“That I just wanted to get a check-up on my mental health?” I replied.

“I think you’ll probably have to be more specific than that, sweetie,” she said. And so I shelved the idea.

Several months later, I attempted a personal experiment where I let my friends control my daily routine for a month (another story for another day). I thought I was strong enough to handle losing control of my life. I wasn’t. I quit 22 days in.

That month was like a catfish shuffling through the muck. I felt like a failure, an embarrassment, and a disappointment. Negative self-talk amplified. The clouds blackened. They were always there, but a fortuitous breeze usually whisked them away. But now I didn’t know how to summon the wind.

I finally got the fuck over my “good mental health” and made an appointment with a therapist. I’m so glad I did. Here are 5 reasons why.

1. I learned how to label my emotions.

When someone asks how you are, what do you say? If you’re like me, the answer is usually “good.” Sometimes it’s “fine.” On occasion, it’s “not so great.” And there you go, the three buckets of emotions as I understood them: good, fine, and none of the above.

In one of my first sessions, my therapist showed me a chart with cartoonish faces, each labeled with an emotion. It might sound silly, but that sheet of circular blobs was a revelation. When I was feeling “not so great,” that didn’t necessarily mean “sad.” Sometimes it meant “frustrated,” or “anxious,” or “scared.” And when I was feeling “good,” it didn’t necessarily mean “happy”—sometimes it meant “joyful,” or “loved,” or “excited.” Each provoked different thought patterns and behavior.

Understanding your emotions is a bit like making a stew. Sometimes it smells delicious, and you can see the potatoes, onions, and beef chunks gurgling in harmony. But sometimes something stinks. Before, it was hard to tell if the smell was mustard seed or rotten eggs. But now, I could better identify what brewed in my cauldron.

2. I practiced how to separate emotions from thoughts, facts, and behaviors.

Therapy has many forms. I chose cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is grounded in pragmatic analysis of present-day problems. It’s like learning how to rewire your brain.

Before I started, those wires were all jumbled together. If I felt like shit, it was because I was shit, and so I acted like a shithead. I didn’t understand how to separate each part of that equation: it was just shit. A good sleep was the only thing that broke the cycle.

One of the core tools in CBT is a worksheet called the thought log. In it, you take an automatic negative thought, like “I’m a failure,” and unpack it. How does that thought make you feel? (Sad, frustrated, disappointed, upset.) What is the supporting evidence for that thought? (I quit a personal experiment.) What evidence does not support that thought? (I graduated from college; I have a steady job; I won the spelling bee in 4th grade.) Given that, is there a different thought that feels more accurate? (I succeed in most things but bit off more than I could chew with an absurdly difficult experiment.) What feelings are associated with that? (More hopeful, still a little frustrated, a bit confused, but no longer sad). And repeat as necessary.

CBT was the only time I liked doing homework. I practiced the thought log several times a week. Wires started falling into place. I learned just how much negative thoughts influenced how I felt, and how liberating it felt to choose what to think.

3. I learned how to recognize cognitive distortions affecting my behavior.

I think when many think of mental health, they picture white-walled corridors, straitjackets, and cups with little pills in them. I think it’s more like a funhouse with funky mirrors. You’re looking at yourself thinking, “that can’t be me.” And yet, it is you, but your forehead is five times bigger than your torso. “Oh, right, the mirror has a funny shape,” you’ll think, and then you laugh at your gargantuan nose and move on.

Cognitive distortions are like those funky mirrors, but they’re far more sinister. In the clinical sense, cognitive distortions are exaggerated thought patterns which distort reality and feed depression and anxiety.

Take a common one—all or nothing thinking. I did this all the damn time. Ever find yourself saying something like “He never pays attention to me”? Or “I always ruin things”? Boom: cognitive distortion. The situation is rarely that black and white. Chances are, it’s not “always” or “never” because life is rarely that extreme. Usually it’s somewhere in that vast grey area.

Cognitive distortions work because they’re simple and predictable. It’s as seamless as trying on a pair of sunglasses. And once that darkness takes over, logic and reason shut down.

For me, learning to spot them was half the battle. If negative thoughts looped through my head like a broken record, usually it was fueled by a pernicious cognitive distortion. When I unpacked that thought and looked for a cognitive distortion, the spell was often broken.

4. I invested in myself.

Know this now: therapy is not easy. I didn’t find it particularly therapeutic either, at least not like a massage or spa treatment. It can also be expensive—one session ran me $140 an hour. Yes, there are plenty of cheaper (and even free) options. But there’s no question it’s a commitment: with money, time, and emotional wherewithal.

Other than the examples I’ve given, I don’t want to delve into the specifics of each session. What’s shared in therapy should stay private. I will say that in the spectrum of struggles, mine were probably mild. But I still felt like I got in my own way a lot—with friendships and relationships; as a son and a co-worker; as a dreamer and a doer.

In our first session, I set goals for myself. They had to be tangible, like “Develop strategies to keep negative thoughts from ruminating for more than an hour.” I would’ve given my pinkie toe to overcome that one. When to comes to “return on investment,” I can think of few better payoffs than clear thinking.

Sessions in therapy were like signposts on a journey into my brain. Everyone’s journey is different—some longer, more arduous, and fraught with obstacles—and there’s no shame in walking with a guide for as long as you need. After a lot of practice in and out of therapy, I felt like I was sturdy enough to continue on my own. Note that doesn’t make me “cured”—because that’s not how mental health works—just that I felt knowledgeable enough to keep administering the antidote.

Therapy produced such clear dividends. I deconstructed my clock to see what made it tick. I developed a mental health toolbox that I’ll carry with me for life. And now, I actually feel like I’m driving my life as opposed to letting the road drive me.

5. I let go of pride and quelled my fears.

I feel like many think going to therapy is admitting weakness. That it must mean there’s something broken inside. I hate that. It’s like saying lifting weights is for weaklings. The ones that are strongest get their ass to the gym.

But have I always thought that way? Not even close. Why do you think it took me so long to make my first appointment? Therapy was for Zach Braff’s character in Garden State. That dude was messed up. I’m fine.

Yes, there were moments when I was not fine. But that’s just life, right? I didn’t need help to get through life’s ups and downs. I was too proud to work on my mental health.

What a massive irony. We don’t hesitate to sign up for a painting class, but when it comes to understanding the brain, an incredibly complex and precious instrument that humanity has worked for millennia to demystify, we’re all like: “Nah, I got this.”

It’s a ridiculous notion that needs to stop. I know now that hidden beneath my pride was fear. I felt scared that I wouldn’t like what I found when I started looking. I was terrified of friends finding out. If it hadn’t been for the encouragement and acceptance from loved ones, I doubt I would have gathered the strength to go.

I feel loved for having their support. I know many aren’t as lucky. That sucks. I’m frustrated that talking about mental health is still stigmatized. I’m upset that some stereotype therapy as a weakness. And I’m sad that those stigmas and stereotypes turn away those that need therapy most.

And so, here’s my attempt to rewire that thought.

Instead of being ashamed to go to therapy, I’m proud to admit that I don’t have all the answers. I’m proud to ask for help. I’m proud to look my demons in the eye and make them blink. I’m proud to seek mental stability. I’m proud to believe that I can be better.

And if you feel the same? Well then I’m proud of you too.

[nofomoartworld]

Tender Portraits of a Photographer's Muse Challenge Ideas of Gender Identity

Reclining on a sofa, willowy limbs akimbo, draped in pastel chiffon, photos of BJ Lillis, photographer Lissa Rivera's model, muse, and romantic partner, look like a fashion spread out of Vogue. His gaze rivals Cara Delevigne or Hari Nef's. The scenes are splendid, sumptuous, and undeniably feminine.

When he and Rivera were still new friends, Lillis divulged that though he'd almost exclusively worn women's clothing in college. Since taking a professional job in New York, he felt much less free to explore. Rivera, who'd struggled with prescribed femininity in her own life, suggested photography as a means to explore Lillis's identity outside of isolation. A creative partnership was born, and the early photos Lillis and Rivera shot together became an ongoing series called Beautiful Boy. Portraits from the series are featured in Rivera's first major solo exhibition at ClampArt, on view June 1 to July 15.

Lissa Rivera - Beautiful Boy - Virginia

In the years since Rivera and Lillis started working together, the series has evolved to investigate the visual language of femininity, a thing deeply embedded in cultural DNA. "We grow up watching Disney, and there's always a moral tale about a woman who did all of her work properly, or has some sort of feminine talent that helps her escape an oppressive situation, like The Little Mermaid with her voice," Rivera tells Creators. For this reason, Rivera says fashion and beauty—skills related to self-image—are intrinsically linked to the feminine identity.

"I feel like self-image is so linked to a sense of survival for women still," Rivera explains. "These different techniques are really a form of survival, in some sense, so they're very personal to being a woman." Enjoying the creativity of traditionally feminine crafts can be fraught for people of any gender identity then, when societal pressure is factored in. "Sometimes characteristics seen as feminine can be perceived as weaker than masculine. Being softer, more emotional, or enjoying things that girls like can be seen as negative traits when you're a kid," Rivera says.

Lissa Rivera - Beautiful Boy - Joshua Tree, California

Beautiful Boy is steeped in liberating playfulness, empowering Lillis to explore and revel in the feminine aspects of his personality. Over time, Rivera and Lillis's friendship blossomed into romance, and the couple relish an intimate artist-muse relationship, as so many male artists have experienced historically. "I'm trying to understand a very complex issue, as to why women are muses, not doing the looking," Rivera says.

"This is something Lissa really helped me understand," Lillis explains. "There's all these images and narratives that we've been soaked in since we were babies, you know? And then that forms what you want, and what you desire, and how you see yourself. And [Lissa and I] take this attitude that's totally playful towards that. Like, you can be this today, you can be that tomorrow, or you can do whatever you want."

Lissa Rivera - Beautiful Boy - Italy

Though their photos look high-fashion, Rivera and Lillis work on a budget. Early shoots were in Rivera's apartment, with garments made from discount fabric picked up on Flatbush Avenue. "We still do some experiments, like shooting with backdrops and stuff at home, but then we go to these places that are much more opulent, sometimes making it look like we have more money than we do, and living out these other fantasy lifestyles," Rivera says.

Lissa Rivera - Beautiful Boy - Palm Springs, California

"We talk a lot about our fantasies and what we're interested in. And when we shoot, I try to step into the fantasy that we're creating, inhabit it, and bring it to life," Lillis adds. Inspiration comes from old movies, mid-century magazines, celebrity lore, even people they hang out with. For a kitschy-retro shoot in a pink hotel room, for example, the couple channelled Priscilla Presley, who Elvis discovered on a beach and spirited away to Graceland when she was just 17. In an opulent green room, Lillis looks like a matchy-matchy society matron, which Rivera says was inspired by the late photographer Larry Sultan's portraits of his mother. "I take all these different stories, from biographies to photos, and I collage them together, in a sense. Sometimes there's three or four different stories in one image," Rivera says.

Lissa Rivera - Beautiful Boy - Lavender Gown

What constitutes "normal" gender expression is changing at an exponential rate, but society is still obsessed with labeling identity. Rivera and Lillis have consciously cultivated a relationship free from the pressure to conform to normative roles. "I don't really see gender as a fundamental part of my identity, or even as a solid, static thing that I'm trying to reach," Lillis says. "I'm kind of in between or moving around [a gender expression], and however people react to that is fine. It's okay if I confuse people."

Lissa Rivera - Beautiful Boy - Blindfold

Lissa Rivera - Beautiful Boy - Joshua Tree, California

Lissa Rivera - Beautiful Boy - Motel, California

Lissa Rivera - Beautiful Boy - Joshua Tree, California

Beautiful Boy is on view at ClampArt in New York City from June 1 to July 15, 2017, with an opening reception on Thursday, June 1 from 6-8PM. An artist talk with BJ Lillis till take place on Saturday, June 10 at 3PM.

Related:

Vibrators and a Girl Gang Fuse Fashion and Feminism at NYFW

Meet the Couples Who Spent Valentine's Day at The Museum of Sex

5 Performers You Need to Know in 2016

from creators http://ift.tt/2qGXSic via IFTTT

[bethevenyc]

Mother's Day Without Mom: 'It's a Day of Reckoning for a Lot of People'

Mother’s Day can mean a range of complex emotions, depending on your situation. (Photo: Getty Images)

With Mother’s Day come plenty of predictable clichés: overpriced brunches, last-minute flowers, and simmering resentment over the entire forced-celebratory deal. But for many people — especially those who are living without mothers, for a vast variety of reasons — the day can trigger feelings ranging from isolation to profound pain.

“It’s sort of a day of reckoning for a lot of people — people whose mothers are abusive, absent, addictive, pathological,” Barbara Greenberg, a Connecticut-based psychologist whose own mother died tragically and unexpectedly when she was just 10 years old, tells Yahoo Beauty.

“What I’ve learned is that the tragic death of your mother is not a single event, but something that affects you for the rest of your life,” Greenberg says, speaking personally. “I’ve had moments of deep sadness, and of shame, because nobody seems to want to talk to you about it. Nobody ever looks at you with the kind of pride your mother does, if you were lucky enough to have had that kind of mother.”

Plenty are not, and are faced with sadness or shame because of being estranged from their mothers; others must make trips to prison if they want a Mother’s Day visit. And for some, not having a mom on the holiday is not the source of pain at all, but simply an acceptable feeling of otherness.

“At my elementary school, every year on Mother’s Day they’d have us make cards,” says Jean Azar-Tanguay, 16, who has two dads and lives in Boston. “Typically, when that happened, I’d make a card for my grandma or my babysitter, because both of them acted as female role models for me.”

Ty Alexander, right, and at left, as a young girl with her mother, has written about the loss of her mom in “Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died: Coping With Loss Every Day.” (Photo: Courtesy Ty Alexander)

Azar-Tanguay tells Yahoo Beauty, “My dads have always been my dads. I was born via IVF and surrogacy so my bio mom didn’t actually carry me. The funny part about my story,” she says, “is that one of my dads is my bio dad and the other is my bio uncle. My bio mom is my dad’s sister. To me though, my dads have always been my dads and my bio mom has always been my aunt, because that’s what they are.”

But, she adds, “I never celebrated Mother’s Day with either… Teachers always supported me because again, I live in a very welcoming city and neighborhood. They’d always offer another option or just let me make something for my grandma.” She tells Yahoo Beauty that, while the day is a source of gift-stress for many of friends, for her family, “It really is a nothing day. We don’t do anything special.”

In anticipation of Mother’s Day, Yahoo Beauty spoke with a range of others about what sort of feelings the holiday brings up, and found answers ranging from anger and sadness to pain and guilt.

“I would be lying if said I didn’t experience a twinge of guilt that she is likely all alone on Mother’s Day and many days,” says Maria (not her real name), a mother of two who lives in Brooklyn and has been estranged from her mom for over a decade because of a toxic and “fraught” relationship she says was defined by her mom’s highly narcissistic, abusive anger.

“I don’t send my mother cards anymore, and she certainly doesn’t send me cards. I consider being a mother my, and anyone’s, greatest privilege in life, so mostly I feel she lost out, and how sad it is for her. I am also angry with her for squandering the opportunity.” As for Maria, though, “Mother’s Day isn’t a huge deal to me, because everything was always about my mother growing up,” she says. “I don’t want my children to think that at all.”

Jean Azar-Tanguay, left with her family. (Photo: Courtesy Jean Azar-Tanguay)

For those whose mothers have died, though, particularly in childhood — and especially if their relationship had been a good one — the day, and even the weeks leading up to it, can feel harrowing.

“It’s been more than a decade, but even a Hallmark holiday can drag me into that dark hole that I sometimes feel like I’m precariously teetering on the edge of,” says Lauren Tuck, 27. Her mom died tragically in a car accident — along with her “two other most prominent female figures” in life, her aunt and her grandmother — while the entire family was vacationing in Mexico and Tuck was just 14.

“My mother died just days before Christmas so that time of year is really raw. Because of my job, Mother’s Day comes in second,” says Tuck, an editor at Yahoo. “We plan stories months out and I attend story meetings where people discuss their parents. It makes me uncomfortable but I’m pretty skilled at tuning it all out. I imagine if I worked somewhere else the triggers would be less pervasive — I rarely shop in stores, don’t have cable TV, and use ad blockers.”

Because her father remarried years ago, she’s had a close relationship with her stepmother. “I love her so much and appreciate her friendship, guidance, and love,” she says. “I try to show and tell her how much I care about her in other ways than a cheesy drug store card, and on days other Mother’s Day. I have three biological siblings (and two stepsisters), and she’s generally always been very careful and aware of how we might feel.”

Mary Torrence Williams, of Georgia, also lost her mom — a single mother — when she was 14. “I was a teenage girl in a small rural town, which I hated, with a lot of big dreams about my future. The death of my mother made me wonder if I could actually pull off any of these dreams, and what might happen to me and my siblings,” she tells Yahoo Beauty. “The l loss of my mother left me feeling really sad for a very long time. It was a sense of loss and emptiness that is very hard to explain.”

Mary Torrence Williams, founder of Students Without Mothers. (Photo: Courtesy Mary Torrence Williams)

She wound up being raised by her oldest sister, who was just 21 at the time, and Torrence Williams says she still feels guilt about her sibling’s sacrifice. As far as the upcoming holiday, she shares, “Until I had a child of my own I hated Mother’s Day. It served as one more reminder that my life was so much different from that of my friends.” She has since founded a nonprofit, Students Without Mothers, which includes a scholarship program, as a way to help young people in similar situations feel less alone.

Similarly, popular blogger Ty Alexander has written a book about the recent death of her mother — Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died: Coping With Loss Every Day — with the intention of supporting others through grief.

“For me, social media makes Mother’s Day especially hard,” Alexander, whose mother died of cancer four years ago, tells Yahoo Beauty. “Seeing all of the mom-daughter pictures with loving messages attached can be extremely triggering. I usually post my obligatory Happy Mother’s Day to all and then log off. It can be a lot to continually scroll through that kind of pain.”

Still, she adds, “Honestly, at this point, it’s all just really difficult. Every day I wake up it’s like I’m starting over. My brain remembers that she’s gone. Holidays are just amplified pain for me.”

But while fresh losses will sting their survivors this coming weekend, years-old wounds can feel new again, too.

“It’s been over three decades and it’s still very raw when holidays hit, especially Mother’s Day,” Greenberg says. “You always have that sort of empty-chair syndrome. It’s a very strange and triggering day. It’s very lonely — there’s anger, sadness, a feeling of ‘why me.’ I do avoid social media that day, because it can feel very isolating.”

Staying off of Facebook is something Greenberg suggests others upset by Mother’s Day might want to consider, along with the following:

Create a ritual. If you’re the type of person who prefers being alone with your sadness, she suggests, “make it your day,” by opting to do something that makes you feel good. If you like be around others, perhaps find a way to “connect with somebody who also loved your mom.” (Alexander shared that she’ll be celebrating her mom along will another friend of mine who lost her mother. “We’ve written letters to our mothers, which we will put inside of balloons and then send them off to Heaven,” she says. “It makes me feel all warm inside to think just maybe they will reach her.”)

Don’t minimize the emotions of others. People who have not lost their mothers, but are not speaking to her or celebrating for whatever reason, probably wish they could connect. So empathy goes both ways. “Like I should not say to someone, ‘Oh God, you’re so lucky to have your mother,’ which could make someone feel terrible,” she says.

If you know someone who is missing his or her mother, try to be inclusive. “Give them the opportunity to join in any celebration you have,” she says. “They can always say no.”

Allow yourself to feel. “It’s OK to cry and get upset,” Greenberg stresses to those who are grieving. “Most of us never get over it,” she adds, “but instead learn how to live with it.”

Read more on Yahoo Beauty + Style:

After HIV Stigma Killed Her Baby, Mom on a Mission to End Pediatric AIDS

Motherhood Doesn’t Look as Glamorous As I’d Hoped. But I’m in a Battle for My Children’s Lives

Meet the Woman Who Guides Parents Through Their Darkest Days

Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest for nonstop inspiration delivered fresh to your feed, every day. For Twitter updates, follow @YahooStyle and @YahooBeauty.

[oovitus]

Boundary issues: What to do when a client is in love with you, and other sticky situations.

What do you do when your client asks you out for a drink? Or texts at 2am? When you’re a health and fitness professional working closely with people who need your help, things can occasionally get awkward. Use this guide to set boundaries, while still creating a trusting coach-client relationship.

++++

The details: A Precision Nutrition Certified coach—we’ll call her Sue—reached out to our private Facebook group for advice on a serious problem. Her client, also a coworker, had developed feelings for her.

Sue didn’t feel the same way.

She cared about this client and his goals. He’d already lost 50 pounds with her help.

But she didn’t want to be a caregiver or caretaker. His behavior had become an emotional drain.

When Sue tried to distance herself from the client, he lashed out and became self-destructive. His health habits regressed, and he went back to emotional eating.

As a coaching professional, Sue understood the dynamics. She knew the client’s reliance on her had become unhealthy. And she recognized that she herself was becoming more and more distressed.

Understandably, she felt stuck.

She’d have to confront difficult feelings: The client would be upset.

He’d regress: Asking him to change his behavior would cause a health-damaging backslide.

She was also caught in conflicting close relationships: They work together every day.

Tricky situations like Sue’s are very common in health and fitness coaching.

Yet while therapists, psychologists, and doctors are formally trained to navigate the boundary issues that arise in client-practitioner relationships, fitness professionals often aren’t.

So consider this your crash course for conduct, complete with practical tools you can use now, no matter where you are in your career.

++++

The relationship between a client and a health practitioner is inherently intimate.

This is true whether you’re a strength coach, a group fitness trainer, a psychologist, a massage therapist, or a yoga instructor.

Deep feelings are discussed. Bodies are touched.

It’s “closeness,” even if it’s not romantic closeness.

As a result of this intimacy, it’s quite common (and natural) for coaches or clients to develop feelings (negative or positive) for each other. Feelings of friendship, tenderness, protectiveness, jealousy, anger, and/or frustration spill into the professional arrangement.

Without honesty and clear expectations, stuff gets messy.

Defining and upholding proper boundaries ensures that feelings don’t confuse the ultimate goal: to help the client achieve his or her health goals through self-empowered action.

When we don’t have well-defined and well-communicated roles, everyone is kinda standing around wondering, “What am I allowed to do here? And how are we supposed to interact?”

Anxieties, frustrations, and old hurts emerge, often vaguely and vexingly, and we feel pushed and pulled in many directions.

That’s why we need boundaries.

Boundaries are the invisible lines of division between the service provider and the client or patient, the social (and sometimes physical) norms and practices that define:

who is playing what role (e.g. who is coach and who is client);

what those roles involve (e.g. who provides direction and how); and

what the limits of that professional relationship are (e.g. how available the coach is for the client, or what’s discussed in sessions).

Good boundaries mean that clients:

feel safe and secure with their coaches, trusting they’ll act in their best interests.

understand the care a coach shows is the universal care of an invested, compassionate professional, and not a sign of romantic interest (or some other attachment).

are obligated to show up maturely and responsibly; to regulate their emotions, own their behaviors, and be consistent.

Good boundaries mean that coaches:

avoid ethical breaches or working outside of our scope of practice.

don’t take on more than our share of responsibility for client progress and change.

show our clients clearly who is doing what, when, and how.

recognize the potential power imbalance that is part of coaching, and respect our clients as autonomous individuals.

With clear boundaries, we have fewer misunderstandings and awkward situations.

Which is always good.

With well-defined, strong, healthy boundaries, our “emotional bank account” is freed up to invest in a robust coaching relationship that keeps us as coaches safe and sane, while helping clients reach their goals.

Appropriate (and also creepy) behavior is context-dependent.

There’s a green zone: Totally cool almost all of the time. Like smiling and making eye contact as you greet a client.

There are “gray zones”: A little more blurry, and depends on the context and nature of the relationship. Like hugging a client after they just did their first pullup.

And there’s a red zone: Definitely—and always—a hard “no.” Like, “Don’t steal from clients” seems pretty intuitive.

But in real life, boundaries aren’t one-size-fits-all.

Therefore (and to make things more complex), the same action can be “green” with one client and “red” with another.

With a client you have a secure, trusting relationship with, it might be totally cool to exchange the odd gift.

But that newer client you suspect might be crushing on you? Exchanging gifts may send the wrong message and confuse the purpose of the relationship.

Context is everything.

With more experience, trust, and maturity you have more freedom—to get close, to joke, potentially to do or say “inappropriate” things.

With relationships that are newer, more fraught or confused, play by stricter rules.

In terms of ethical codes, health and fitness coaching is a little late to the party.

Other fields of service provision, such as psychology or social work, have clear codes of ethics they abide by.

Many mental and physical health care service providers receive ethics training as part of their certification, but coaches often don’t.

Yet part of your job as a coach is to behave ethically, which includes defining and maintaining clear boundaries.

So Precision Nutrition wrote its own Code of Ethics for the coaches we certify.

You can start with our Code of Ethics as a template, and add to it as you wish, according to your own value system, and the nuances of your practice.

PN Coaching Certification Code of Ethics

In your professional role as a coach:

Act in the client’s best interest. Prioritize their wellbeing, safety, values, goals, and comfort where possible.

Respect the worth and dignity of the clients you serve. Treat all clients with professional courtesy, compassion, and care.

Protect your clients’ privacy and confidentiality. This includes that you:

Follow standard data security protocols, such as protecting your personal logins and storing client data securely.

Be careful what you discuss about clients, and with whom.

Do not disclose personal or identifying details of clients.

Ask permission before sharing anything on social media.

Act with integrity. Make yourself worthy of your clients’ respect and trust. Don’t exploit your clients, financially or otherwise. Don’t seek personal gain from your client relationship (beyond your coaching fees, obviously).

Act with objectivity. Know the rules, regulations, and procedures expected of you, and follow them equitably and appropriately for each client.

Set clear, accurate, and reasonable expectations. Define the terms of the coaching arrangement (e.g. payment, frequency of meeting, how coaching works, etc.) immediately and reinforce them often. Be upfront about what results the client can realistically expect to see.

Have clear professional boundaries. Avoid multiple relationships (e.g. coaching friends or family members; becoming friends with clients) where possible. If you must have multiple relationships, recognize the inherent power imbalance in coaching, and be very clear what hat you’re wearing in a given situation.

Know the limits of your skills and scope of practice. If you can’t serve a client for reasons of ethics or expertise, refer them to another coach and/or care provider if possible.

Keep your skills current. Pursue professional competence, excellence, and mastery. Seek to be a credit to your profession.

8 ways to stay out of sticky situations.

For coaches, there are lots of ways identify, establish, and maintain boundaries in your professional practice. We’ve got 8 to get you started.

The more tools you use, the more clear, comfortable, and secure your relationships will be.

Plus, less awkward moments.

1. Pay attention to your “emotional radar.”

Often, when boundaries get pushed (or trampled on), your body will tell you.

For example, you might notice that around a certain client, you feel tense, “icky,” or even repelled.

If you observe those sensations, check in with yourself.

Are roles defined and contracts clear?

Are you being asked to do things (either implicitly or explicitly) that make you feel uncomfortable?

Are you being exposed to some “TMI” material, either through the content of your client’s words, or images they sent to you?

If you can identify what’s bothering you, work to fix the situation:

Model appropriate behavior.

Communicate clearly, assertively, and maturely. (Keep reading for ideas on how to do this.)

Inform others about your boundaries and expectations for the working relationship. Don’t assume people “should just know” what appropriate behavior is. They might not.

2. Use body language to manage the space between you and your clients.

We “say” a lot without actually saying it.

Humans have a sort of sixth sense when it comes to expressing and reading body language. What we do with our bodies, and what others do, is worth a thousand words.

That means you can actually use your body as a tool to shape the coach-client relationship.

You can use your nonverbal cues to steer or “lead” clients.

For example, if a client is getting a little too close, you can lean or step back a little to increase the distance between you, or put an object between you (such as a desk or bench).

Without using words, this suggests, “This is a better amount of space between us.”

Other times, you may want to encourage closeness.

One simple way to do this is by “mirroring” your clients’ movements (subtly), and making eye contact. This demonstrates your attention and presence, and can foster a feeling of connection.

To convey confidence and authority, stand or sit tall, with good, but relatively relaxed posture. You’ll look like someone worth respecting and listening to.

3. Use your voice to show the right balance of care and authority.

Voices are powerful.

Your voice can command, cajole, calm, or control—and it can help you set and maintain boundaries too.

Generally, a warm, yet professional tone will signify interest and authority.

Speak clearly at a moderate pace, and unless you’re actually asking a question, be careful of a tendency to use a rising tone at the end of a sentence. (Which will make everything sound like a question? And it’ll imply that you don’t need to be taken seriously?)

Match your voice volume and cadence to your client’s to show attunement.

You can also use your voice to steer someone gently if you feel things should be going in a different direction: talking slower and lower to a client who’s gotten worked up and is talking fast and loud; speaking gently to a client who’s intimidated, scared, or defensive; or speaking firmly and clearly to a client who’s gotten a little too… friendly.

4. Write like a pro (or at least a good middle school student)

Even if your main jam is one-on-one sessions with clients, talking in an office or on a gym floor, you’ll probably do a fair bit of writing too: in emails or texts, handouts, contracts, and signs on the wall.

Your professional image is reflected in your writing, so cover the basics: Use proper punctuation, check your spelling, and get your message across clearly and concisely.

Make sure signs are clearly displayed and contracts are reviewed and understood, ideally before you begin your coaching relationship.

Signs and contracts tell clients what to expect, what their responsibilities are, and what you’re here for (and not here for). Articulate this up front, and you’ll have fewer problems later.

5. Make informed consent an ongoing conversation.

If you’ve ever joined a gym, had a massage, received psychotherapy, or joined a sports team, you might have had to go through some kind of informed consent and waiver-signing process.

An informed consent form usually covers things like scope of services and liability, and the potential risks to clients. It’s a good idea for every coaching practice to have one.

But it doesn’t have to stop there.

If made an ongoing conversation, the informed consent process can be an awesome, useful tool that helps define boundaries and helps clients feel heard, respected, and comforted.

Check in with your client on consent topics every few weeks. You can organize the conversation around themes like:

What’s happening for you as a client right now? Can you give me a “status update” about how you feel / think about our process, or your current situation?

Are you OK with what’s happening now? Does this match what you expected or wanted? Would you feel more comfortable doing something differently?

Do you understand what’s happening now? Do you as a client, comprehend why we’re doing something, and/or what the risks and benefits are? Do you understand how this activity connects to your goals?

Do you want to continue in this direction? Or do you need a break? Informed consent includes the client knowing that they have the right to say no to anything the coach proposes.

6. Protect your time.

Pop quiz: If a client texts you at 2am, do you respond?

Clients may email, text, or even call at all hours of the day or night. While you can have your business hours clearly displayed on your website, contracts, or signs around your office, clients may still pop in when it’s convenient for them.

That’s OK. (So long as they’re not banging on the door of your personal home at midnight. That’s “red zone” material.)

When and how quickly you respond to clients signals to them what you will accept, and what they should expect.

For example, if you start answering emails at 10:30 at night, a client may expect you to be available during those hours. If you always respond to texts within three minutes, a client may expect nearly immediate answers from you.

You get to decide what your boundaries are here, and what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want your evenings to be crowded out by client emails, then turn the computer off before dinner, and respond to them in the morning.

Similarly, you get to set the tone for how time is spent during your in-person time with clients.

If a client is consistently late or missing appointments, or if they keep directing the conversation to who they went out with on the weekend instead of how their food journaling went, then it’s your job to gently but firmly call them out.

Sometimes an adult conversation needs to happen.

Like:

“Hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been 20 minutes late for the last three appointments. Is this still a good time for you? If it is, let’s agree to start our session on time so we don’t have to cut into your appointment time.”

Or:

“It sounds like you had a fun weekend! But hey, I’d love to talk about your nutrition. I know one of your goals is to eat better, and I’m curious to know about how you’ve been doing. The more we focus our conversation, the better we can get both of our needs met.”

Approach these conversations as if you and your client are on the same team, rather than adversaries. Be friendly, and focus on the win you both want!

7. Dress sharp.

One perk of being a coach: You get to dress comfy!

One downside of being a coach: You get to dress comfy! Which means that sometimes, it’s hard to know what looks appropriate and also helps you demonstrate a squat or run a few agility ladders.

However, if you choose carefully, you can convey professionalism in athletic gear.

If you look professional, your clients will be less likely to treat you as a buddy or a potential hookup, and more likely to treat you as, well, a professional.

Make sure your clothes are clean and well-maintained, and that all your, um, parts are contained.

Your dress should also be appropriate to your environment. If you work at a gym, gym clothes are good. If you work in an office, “business casual” is likely the better dress code.

8. If physical contact is necessary, check in with your client’s experience of it often.

If you’re a personal trainer, massage therapist, yoga teacher, chiropractor, etc., body work is part of your job.

Make sure to have clients sign a form that provides consent to touch.

Even with contracts signed and squared off, always ask your clients for permission before you touch them, especially in potentially awkward or vulnerable areas. (This is especially important in situations where touch could be misinterpreted—for instance, a male personal trainer touching a female client’s glutes.)

If you’re a coach, here’s a handy checklist for considering boundaries when touching your client.

Does touching my client make sense in the context of our professional relationship? Am I, for example, a massage therapist or personal trainer legitimately touching my client in particular ways?

Does touching my client raise any issues given our social identities? That’s a fancy way of saying who are you, and who are they? Are you male, female, older, younger, the coach, the client (and so on)?

Does touching my client make sense in a cultural or social context? Different cultures have different norms on touch. And “culture” can be anything. For instance, your local MMA gym may consider it perfectly normal to choke someone with your thighs… but that’s not a good look at your average gym.

What are the benefits to touching my client? Am I helping teach them an exercise, giving them useful feedback, creating a genuine personal connection, and/or calming them?

What are the potential risks to touching my client? Might I be invading their boundaries, making them feel less comfortable, or sending signals that could be misinterpreted?

What are my motivations for touching my client? Is this to benefit them, or me?

Do I know my client’s personal history or level of comfort with touch? Some people have a history of physical or sexual abuse, or simply aren’t that comfortable being touched. Since you likely don’t know all clients’ personal details, start by assuming your client may have some kind of discomfort with touching. Proceed slowly with caution and assess their comfort as you go.

How am I letting my client know what to expect? A simple way to judge comfort is just to announce, then ask. For example, “I’m going to put my hand just underneath your left armpit to feel if your lat muscles are engaged. Is that OK?”

What feedback am I getting? Read body language, and ask. If your client gives you a hearty handshake with a bro-back-slap while making eye contact and smiling, you’re probably good to do the same. If you hug them and they shrink back or go rigid, quit hugging them.

Have alternatives handy. If you’re trying to give a client proprioceptive feedback, you can often use some neutral object (like having their butt hit a wall when you’re teaching a hip hinge). If hugging is a no, you may be able to do a less-threatening touch of the upper arm, or just work your smile and wave game.

And this should go without saying, but we’re gonna say it anyway:

For heaven’s sake, don’t touch your clients inappropriately. If you don’t know what constitutes consent or assault, educate yourself.

What to do next

When your “boundary radar” goes off, pay attention.

Don’t wait or avoid a situation that’s bothering you.

If you do, it’ll often get worse.

Prevention is the best option here, but if that hasn’t worked, then sometimes you’ll need to deal directly with an uncomfortable situation.

If possible, prepare documentation—such as emails, text messages, or a written summary of what happened from your perspective—or discussion topics in advance, and consider your overall strategy before having a difficult conversation.

Remember: You never have to work with someone who’s abusive, aggressive, or otherwise violates your boundaries.

Whether it’s a persistent series of misunderstandings and misalignments; someone who constantly gives you the “ugh” or “uh-oh” feeling; or outright harassment, you never have to tolerate a physically or psychologically harmful situation.

Get out or refer out.

Want strategies to level up your coaching?

It’s no secret that master coaches develop over time, through education and consistent practice, usually under the guidance of a mentor or coach.

Precision Nutrition is the only company in the world that both works with thousands of our own nutrition coaching clients and teaches health, fitness, and wellness professionals our real-world methods for getting results.

And here’s some great news: Our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class kicks off on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2019.

Want to achieve total confidence in your coaching skills? Get (and keep) more clients? Grow and strengthen your practice? If so, the Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification is definitely for you.

It’s designed specifically for Level 1 students and grads who realize that knowing about the science of nutrition isn’t enough.

Part master class, part grad program, part mentorship, it’s the only course in the world designed to help you master the art of coaching, meaning better results for your clients and a better practice for you.

Since we only take a limited number of professionals, and since the program sells out every time, I strongly recommend you add your name to our VIP List below. When you do, you get the chance to sign up 24 hours before everyone else. Even better, you get a huge discount off the general price of the program.

[Note: The Level 2 Master Class is only for students and grads of our Level 1 Certification. So if you haven’t yet enrolled in that program, please begin there.]

Interested? Add your name to the VIP list. You’ll save up to 37% and secure your spot 24 hours before everyone else.

We’ll be opening up spots in our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class on Wednesday, April 3rd.

If you want to find out more, we’ve set up the following VIP list which gives you two advantages.

Pay less than everyone else. We like to reward people who are eager to get started and ready to gain mastery in their coaching practice. So we’re offering a discount of up to 37% off the general price when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list.

Sign up 24 hours before the general public and increase your chances of getting a spot. We only open the PN Master Class twice per year. Due to high demand and a very limited number of spots, we expect it to sell out fast. But when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list, we’ll give you the opportunity to register a full 24 hours before anyone else.

If you’re ready to take the next step in becoming a world-class coach, we’re ready to share our knowledge and help you master the art of coaching.

jQuery(document).ready(function(){ jQuery("#references_link").click(function(){ jQuery("#references_holder").show(); jQuery("#references_link").parent().hide(); }); });

References

Click here to view the information sources referenced in this article.

Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association. (2015). Standards of Practice (5th ed.) [PDF file]. Ottawa, ON. Retrieved from https://www.ccpa-accp.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/StandardsOfPractice_en_June2015.pdf

Canadian Association of Social Workers. (2005). Code of Ethics [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.casw-acts.ca/sites/default/files/documents/casw_code_of_ethics.pdf

Bryson, Sandy. Understanding Professional Boundaries [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.dsc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Understanding-Professional-Boundaries.pdf

The post Boundary issues: What to do when a client is in love with you, and other sticky situations. appeared first on Precision Nutrition.

Boundary issues: What to do when a client is in love with you, and other sticky situations. published first on

[oovitus]

Setting boundaries: What to do when your client is in love with you, and other sticky situations.

What do you do when your client asks you out for a drink? Or texts at 2am? When you’re a health and fitness professional working closely with people who need your help, things can occasionally get awkward. Use this guide to set boundaries, while still creating a trusting coach-client relationship.

++++

The details: A Precision Nutrition Certified coach—we’ll call her Sue—reached out to our private Facebook group for advice on a serious problem. Her client, also a coworker, had developed feelings for her.

Sue didn’t feel the same way.

She cared about this client and his goals. He’d already lost 50 pounds with her help.

But she didn’t want to be a caregiver or caretaker. His behavior had become an emotional drain.

When Sue tried to distance herself from the client, he lashed out and became self-destructive. His health habits regressed, and he went back to emotional eating.

As a coaching professional, Sue understood the dynamics. She knew the client’s reliance on her had become unhealthy. And she recognized that she herself was becoming more and more distressed.

Understandably, she felt stuck.

She’d have to confront difficult feelings: The client would be upset.

He’d regress: Asking him to change his behavior would cause a health-damaging backslide.

She was also caught in conflicting close relationships: They work together every day.

Tricky situations like Sue’s are very common in health and fitness coaching.

Yet while therapists, psychologists, and doctors are formally trained to navigate the boundary issues that arise in client-practitioner relationships, fitness professionals often aren’t.

So consider this your crash course for conduct, complete with practical tools you can use now, no matter where you are in your career.

++++

The relationship between a client and a health practitioner is inherently intimate.

This is true whether you’re a strength coach, a group fitness trainer, a psychologist, a massage therapist, or a yoga instructor.

Deep feelings are discussed. Bodies are touched.

It’s “closeness,” even if it’s not romantic closeness.

As a result of this intimacy, it’s quite common (and natural) for coaches or clients to develop feelings (negative or positive) for each other. Feelings of friendship, tenderness, protectiveness, jealousy, anger, and/or frustration spill into the professional arrangement.

Without honesty and clear expectations, stuff gets messy.

Defining and upholding proper boundaries ensures that feelings don’t confuse the ultimate goal: to help the client achieve his or her health goals through self-empowered action.

When we don’t have well-defined and well-communicated roles, everyone is kinda standing around wondering, “What am I allowed to do here? And how are we supposed to interact?”

Anxieties, frustrations, and old hurts emerge, often vaguely and vexingly, and we feel pushed and pulled in many directions.

That’s why we need boundaries.

Boundaries are the invisible lines of division between the service provider and the client or patient, the social (and sometimes physical) norms and practices that define:

who is playing what role (e.g. who is coach and who is client);

what those roles involve (e.g. who provides direction and how); and

what the limits of that professional relationship are (e.g. how available the coach is for the client, or what’s discussed in sessions).

Good boundaries mean that clients:

feel safe and secure with their coaches, trusting they’ll act in their best interests.

understand the care a coach shows is the universal care of an invested, compassionate professional, and not a sign of romantic interest (or some other attachment).

are obligated to show up maturely and responsibly; to regulate their emotions, own their behaviors, and be consistent.

Good boundaries mean that coaches:

avoid ethical breaches or working outside of our scope of practice.

don’t take on more than our share of responsibility for client progress and change.

show our clients clearly who is doing what, when, and how.

recognize the potential power imbalance that is part of coaching, and respect our clients as autonomous individuals.

With clear boundaries, we have fewer misunderstandings and awkward situations.

Which is always good.

With well-defined, strong, healthy boundaries, our “emotional bank account” is freed up to invest in a robust coaching relationship that keeps us as coaches safe and sane, while helping clients reach their goals.

Appropriate (and also creepy) behavior is context-dependent.

There’s a green zone: Totally cool almost all of the time. Like smiling and making eye contact as you greet a client.

There are “gray zones”: A little more blurry, and depends on the context and nature of the relationship. Like hugging a client after they just did their first pullup.

And there’s a red zone: Definitely—and always—a hard “no.” Like, “Don’t steal from clients” seems pretty intuitive.

But in real life, boundaries aren’t one-size-fits-all.

Therefore (and to make things more complex), the same action can be “green” with one client and “red” with another.

With a client you have a secure, trusting relationship with, it might be totally cool to exchange the odd gift.

But that newer client you suspect might be crushing on you? Exchanging gifts may send the wrong message and confuse the purpose of the relationship.

Context is everything.

With more experience, trust, and maturity you have more freedom—to get close, to joke, potentially to do or say “inappropriate” things.

With relationships that are newer, more fraught or confused, play by stricter rules.

In terms of ethical codes, health and fitness coaching is a little late to the party.

Other fields of service provision, such as psychology or social work, have clear codes of ethics they abide by.

Many mental and physical health care service providers receive ethics training as part of their certification, but coaches often don’t.

Yet part of your job as a coach is to behave ethically, which includes defining and maintaining clear boundaries.

So Precision Nutrition wrote its own Code of Ethics for the coaches we certify.

You can start with our Code of Ethics as a template, and add to it as you wish, according to your own value system, and the nuances of your practice.

PN Coaching Certification Code of Ethics

In your professional role as a coach:

Act in the client’s best interest. Prioritize their wellbeing, safety, values, goals, and comfort where possible.

Respect the worth and dignity of the clients you serve. Treat all clients with professional courtesy, compassion, and care.

Protect your clients’ privacy and confidentiality. This includes that you:

Follow standard data security protocols, such as protecting your personal logins and storing client data securely.

Be careful what you discuss about clients, and with whom.

Do not disclose personal or identifying details of clients.

Ask permission before sharing anything on social media.

Act with integrity. Make yourself worthy of your clients’ respect and trust. Don’t exploit your clients, financially or otherwise. Don’t seek personal gain from your client relationship (beyond your coaching fees, obviously).

Act with objectivity. Know the rules, regulations, and procedures expected of you, and follow them equitably and appropriately for each client.

Set clear, accurate, and reasonable expectations. Define the terms of the coaching arrangement (e.g. payment, frequency of meeting, how coaching works, etc.) immediately and reinforce them often. Be upfront about what results the client can realistically expect to see.

Have clear professional boundaries. Avoid multiple relationships (e.g. coaching friends or family members; becoming friends with clients) where possible. If you must have multiple relationships, recognize the inherent power imbalance in coaching, and be very clear what hat you’re wearing in a given situation.

Know the limits of your skills and scope of practice. If you can’t serve a client for reasons of ethics or expertise, refer them to another coach and/or care provider if possible.

Keep your skills current. Pursue professional competence, excellence, and mastery. Seek to be a credit to your profession.

8 ways to stay out of sticky situations.

For coaches, there are lots of ways identify, establish, and maintain boundaries in your professional practice. We’ve got 8 to get you started.

The more tools you use, the more clear, comfortable, and secure your relationships will be.

Plus, less awkward moments.

1. Pay attention to your “emotional radar.”

Often, when boundaries get pushed (or trampled on), your body will tell you.

For example, you might notice that around a certain client, you feel tense, “icky,” or even repelled.

If you observe those sensations, check in with yourself.

Are roles defined and contracts clear?

Are you being asked to do things (either implicitly or explicitly) that make you feel uncomfortable?

Are you being exposed to some “TMI” material, either through the content of your client’s words, or images they sent to you?

If you can identify what’s bothering you, work to fix the situation:

Model appropriate behavior.

Communicate clearly, assertively, and maturely. (Keep reading for ideas on how to do this.)

Inform others about your boundaries and expectations for the working relationship. Don’t assume people “should just know” what appropriate behavior is. They might not.

2. Use body language to manage the space between you and your clients.

We “say” a lot without actually saying it.

Humans have a sort of sixth sense when it comes to expressing and reading body language. What we do with our bodies, and what others do, is worth a thousand words.

That means you can actually use your body as a tool to shape the coach-client relationship.

You can use your nonverbal cues to steer or “lead” clients.

For example, if a client is getting a little too close, you can lean or step back a little to increase the distance between you, or put an object between you (such as a desk or bench).

Without using words, this suggests, “This is a better amount of space between us.”

Other times, you may want to encourage closeness.

One simple way to do this is by “mirroring” your clients’ movements (subtly), and making eye contact. This demonstrates your attention and presence, and can foster a feeling of connection.

To convey confidence and authority, stand or sit tall, with good, but relatively relaxed posture. You’ll look like someone worth respecting and listening to.

3. Use your voice to show the right balance of care and authority.

Voices are powerful.

Your voice can command, cajole, calm, or control—and it can help you set and maintain boundaries too.

Generally, a warm, yet professional tone will signify interest and authority.

Speak clearly at a moderate pace, and unless you’re actually asking a question, be careful of a tendency to use a rising tone at the end of a sentence. (Which will make everything sound like a question? And it’ll imply that you don’t need to be taken seriously?)

Match your voice volume and cadence to your client’s to show attunement.

You can also use your voice to steer someone gently if you feel things should be going in a different direction: talking slower and lower to a client who’s gotten worked up and is talking fast and loud; speaking gently to a client who’s intimidated, scared, or defensive; or speaking firmly and clearly to a client who’s gotten a little too… friendly.

4. Write like a pro (or at least a good middle school student)

Even if your main jam is one-on-one sessions with clients, talking in an office or on a gym floor, you’ll probably do a fair bit of writing too: in emails or texts, handouts, contracts, and signs on the wall.

Your professional image is reflected in your writing, so cover the basics: Use proper punctuation, check your spelling, and get your message across clearly and concisely.

Make sure signs are clearly displayed and contracts are reviewed and understood, ideally before you begin your coaching relationship.

Signs and contracts tell clients what to expect, what their responsibilities are, and what you’re here for (and not here for). Articulate this up front, and you’ll have fewer problems later.

5. Make informed consent an ongoing conversation.

If you’ve ever joined a gym, had a massage, received psychotherapy, or joined a sports team, you might have had to go through some kind of informed consent and waiver-signing process.

An informed consent form usually covers things like scope of services and liability, and the potential risks to clients. It’s a good idea for every coaching practice to have one.

But it doesn’t have to stop there.

If made an ongoing conversation, the informed consent process can be an awesome, useful tool that helps define boundaries and helps clients feel heard, respected, and comforted.

Check in with your client on consent topics every few weeks. You can organize the conversation around themes like:

What’s happening for you as a client right now? Can you give me a “status update” about how you feel / think about our process, or your current situation?

Are you OK with what’s happening now? Does this match what you expected or wanted? Would you feel more comfortable doing something differently?

Do you understand what’s happening now? Do you as a client, comprehend why we’re doing something, and/or what the risks and benefits are? Do you understand how this activity connects to your goals?

Do you want to continue in this direction? Or do you need a break? Informed consent includes the client knowing that they have the right to say no to anything the coach proposes.

6. Protect your time.

Pop quiz: If a client texts you at 2am, do you respond?

Clients may email, text, or even call at all hours of the day or night. While you can have your business hours clearly displayed on your website, contracts, or signs around your office, clients may still pop in when it’s convenient for them.

That’s OK. (So long as they’re not banging on the door of your personal home at midnight. That’s “red zone” material.)

When and how quickly you respond to clients signals to them what you will accept, and what they should expect.

For example, if you start answering emails at 10:30 at night, a client may expect you to be available during those hours. If you always respond to texts within three minutes, a client may expect nearly immediate answers from you.

You get to decide what your boundaries are here, and what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want your evenings to be crowded out by client emails, then turn the computer off before dinner, and respond to them in the morning.

Similarly, you get to set the tone for how time is spent during your in-person time with clients.

If a client is consistently late or missing appointments, or if they keep directing the conversation to who they went out with on the weekend instead of how their food journaling went, then it’s your job to gently but firmly call them out.

Sometimes an adult conversation needs to happen.

Like:

“Hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been 20 minutes late for the last three appointments. Is this still a good time for you? If it is, let’s agree to start our session on time so we don’t have to cut into your appointment time.”

Or:

“It sounds like you had a fun weekend! But hey, I’d love to talk about your nutrition. I know one of your goals is to eat better, and I’m curious to know about how you’ve been doing. The more we focus our conversation, the better we can get both of our needs met.”

Approach these conversations as if you and your client are on the same team, rather than adversaries. Be friendly, and focus on the win you both want!

7. Dress sharp.

One perk of being a coach: You get to dress comfy!

One downside of being a coach: You get to dress comfy! Which means that sometimes, it’s hard to know what looks appropriate and also helps you demonstrate a squat or run a few agility ladders.

However, if you choose carefully, you can convey professionalism in athletic gear.

If you look professional, your clients will be less likely to treat you as a buddy or a potential hookup, and more likely to treat you as, well, a professional.

Make sure your clothes are clean and well-maintained, and that all your, um, parts are contained.

Your dress should also be appropriate to your environment. If you work at a gym, gym clothes are good. If you work in an office, “business casual” is likely the better dress code.

8. If physical contact is necessary, check in with your client’s experience of it often.

If you’re a personal trainer, massage therapist, yoga teacher, chiropractor, etc., body work is part of your job.

Make sure to have clients sign a form that provides consent to touch.

Even with contracts signed and squared off, always ask your clients for permission before you touch them, especially in potentially awkward or vulnerable areas. (This is especially important in situations where touch could be misinterpreted—for instance, a male personal trainer touching a female client’s glutes.)

If you’re a coach, here’s a handy checklist for considering boundaries when touching your client.

Does touching my client make sense in the context of our professional relationship? Am I, for example, a massage therapist or personal trainer legitimately touching my client in particular ways?

Does touching my client raise any issues given our social identities? That’s a fancy way of saying who are you, and who are they? Are you male, female, older, younger, the coach, the client (and so on)?

Does touching my client make sense in a cultural or social context? Different cultures have different norms on touch. And “culture” can be anything. For instance, your local MMA gym may consider it perfectly normal to choke someone with your thighs… but that’s not a good look at your average gym.

What are the benefits to touching my client? Am I helping teach them an exercise, giving them useful feedback, creating a genuine personal connection, and/or calming them?

What are the potential risks to touching my client? Might I be invading their boundaries, making them feel less comfortable, or sending signals that could be misinterpreted?

What are my motivations for touching my client? Is this to benefit them, or me?

Do I know my client’s personal history or level of comfort with touch? Some people have a history of physical or sexual abuse, or simply aren’t that comfortable being touched. Since you likely don’t know all clients’ personal details, start by assuming your client may have some kind of discomfort with touching. Proceed slowly with caution and assess their comfort as you go.

How am I letting my client know what to expect? A simple way to judge comfort is just to announce, then ask. For example, “I’m going to put my hand just underneath your left armpit to feel if your lat muscles are engaged. Is that OK?”

What feedback am I getting? Read body language, and ask. If your client gives you a hearty handshake with a bro-back-slap while making eye contact and smiling, you’re probably good to do the same. If you hug them and they shrink back or go rigid, quit hugging them.

Have alternatives handy. If you’re trying to give a client proprioceptive feedback, you can often use some neutral object (like having their butt hit a wall when you’re teaching a hip hinge). If hugging is a no, you may be able to do a less-threatening touch of the upper arm, or just work your smile and wave game.

And this should go without saying, but we’re gonna say it anyway:

For heaven’s sake, don’t touch your clients inappropriately. If you don’t know what constitutes consent or assault, educate yourself.

What to do next

When your “boundary radar” goes off, pay attention.

Don’t wait or avoid a situation that’s bothering you.

If you do, it’ll often get worse.

Prevention is the best option here, but if that hasn’t worked, then sometimes you’ll need to deal directly with an uncomfortable situation.

If possible, prepare documentation—such as emails, text messages, or a written summary of what happened from your perspective—or discussion topics in advance, and consider your overall strategy before having a difficult conversation.

Remember: You never have to work with someone who’s abusive, aggressive, or otherwise violates your boundaries.

Whether it’s a persistent series of misunderstandings and misalignments; someone who constantly gives you the “ugh” or “uh-oh” feeling; or outright harassment, you never have to tolerate a physically or psychologically harmful situation.

Get out or refer out.

Want strategies to level up your coaching?

It’s no secret that master coaches develop over time, through education and consistent practice, usually under the guidance of a mentor or coach.

Precision Nutrition is the only company in the world that both works with thousands of our own nutrition coaching clients and teaches health, fitness, and wellness professionals our real-world methods for getting results.

And here’s some great news: Our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class kicks off on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2019.

Want to achieve total confidence in your coaching skills? Get (and keep) more clients? Grow and strengthen your practice? If so, the Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification is definitely for you.

It’s designed specifically for Level 1 students and grads who realize that knowing about the science of nutrition isn’t enough.

Part master class, part grad program, part mentorship, it’s the only course in the world designed to help you master the art of coaching, meaning better results for your clients and a better practice for you.

Since we only take a limited number of professionals, and since the program sells out every time, I strongly recommend you add your name to our VIP List below. When you do, you get the chance to sign up 24 hours before everyone else. Even better, you get a huge discount off the general price of the program.

[Note: The Level 2 Master Class is only for students and grads of our Level 1 Certification. So if you haven’t yet enrolled in that program, please begin there.]

Interested? Add your name to the VIP list. You’ll save up to 37% and secure your spot 24 hours before everyone else.

We’ll be opening up spots in our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class on Wednesday, April 3rd.

If you want to find out more, we’ve set up the following VIP list which gives you two advantages.

Pay less than everyone else. We like to reward people who are eager to get started and ready to gain mastery in their coaching practice. So we’re offering a discount of up to 37% off the general price when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list.

Sign up 24 hours before the general public and increase your chances of getting a spot. We only open the PN Master Class twice per year. Due to high demand and a very limited number of spots, we expect it to sell out fast. But when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list, we’ll give you the opportunity to register a full 24 hours before anyone else.

If you’re ready to take the next step in becoming a world-class coach, we’re ready to share our knowledge and help you master the art of coaching.

jQuery(document).ready(function(){ jQuery("#references_link").click(function(){ jQuery("#references_holder").show(); jQuery("#references_link").parent().hide(); }); });

References

Click here to view the information sources referenced in this article.

Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association. (2015). Standards of Practice (5th ed.) [PDF file]. Ottawa, ON. Retrieved from https://www.ccpa-accp.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/StandardsOfPractice_en_June2015.pdf

Canadian Association of Social Workers. (2005). Code of Ethics [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.casw-acts.ca/sites/default/files/documents/casw_code_of_ethics.pdf

Bryson, Sandy. Understanding Professional Boundaries [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.dsc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Understanding-Professional-Boundaries.pdf

The post Setting boundaries: What to do when your client is in love with you, and other sticky situations. appeared first on Precision Nutrition.

Setting boundaries: What to do when your client is in love with you, and other sticky situations. published first on

[oovitus]

Setting boundaries: What to do when your client is in love with you, and other sticky situations.

What do you do when your client asks you out for a drink? Or texts at 2am? When you’re a health and fitness professional working closely with people who need your help, things can occasionally get awkward. Use this guide to set boundaries, while still creating a trusting coach-client relationship.

++++

The details: A Precision Nutrition Certified coach—we’ll call her Sue—reached out to our private Facebook group for advice on a serious problem. Her client, also a coworker, had developed feelings for her.

Sue didn’t feel the same way.

She cared about this client and his goals. He’d already lost 50 pounds with her help.

But she didn’t want to be a caregiver or caretaker. His behavior had become an emotional drain.

When Sue tried to distance herself from the client, he lashed out and became self-destructive. His health habits regressed, and he went back to emotional eating.

As a coaching professional, Sue understood the dynamics. She knew the client’s reliance on her had become unhealthy. And she recognized that she herself was becoming more and more distressed.

Understandably, she felt stuck.

She’d have to confront difficult feelings: The client would be upset.

He’d regress: Asking him to change his behavior would cause a health-damaging backslide.

She was also caught in conflicting close relationships: They work together every day.

Tricky situations like Sue’s are very common in health and fitness coaching.

Yet while therapists, psychologists, and doctors are formally trained to navigate the boundary issues that arise in client-practitioner relationships, fitness professionals often aren’t.

So consider this your crash course for conduct, complete with practical tools you can use now, no matter where you are in your career.

++++

The relationship between a client and a health practitioner is inherently intimate.

This is true whether you’re a strength coach, a group fitness trainer, a psychologist, a massage therapist, or a yoga instructor.

Deep feelings are discussed. Bodies are touched.

It’s “closeness,” even if it’s not romantic closeness.

As a result of this intimacy, it’s quite common (and natural) for coaches or clients to develop feelings (negative or positive) for each other. Feelings of friendship, tenderness, protectiveness, jealousy, anger, and/or frustration spill into the professional arrangement.

Without honesty and clear expectations, stuff gets messy.

Defining and upholding proper boundaries ensures that feelings don’t confuse the ultimate goal: to help the client achieve his or her health goals through self-empowered action.

When we don’t have well-defined and well-communicated roles, everyone is kinda standing around wondering, “What am I allowed to do here? And how are we supposed to interact?”

Anxieties, frustrations, and old hurts emerge, often vaguely and vexingly, and we feel pushed and pulled in many directions.

That’s why we need boundaries.

Boundaries are the invisible lines of division between the service provider and the client or patient, the social (and sometimes physical) norms and practices that define:

who is playing what role (e.g. who is coach and who is client);

what those roles involve (e.g. who provides direction and how); and

what the limits of that professional relationship are (e.g. how available the coach is for the client, or what’s discussed in sessions).

Good boundaries mean that clients:

feel safe and secure with their coaches, trusting they’ll act in their best interests.

understand the care a coach shows is the universal care of an invested, compassionate professional, and not a sign of romantic interest (or some other attachment).

are obligated to show up maturely and responsibly; to regulate their emotions, own their behaviors, and be consistent.

Good boundaries mean that coaches:

avoid ethical breaches or working outside of our scope of practice.

don’t take on more than our share of responsibility for client progress and change.

show our clients clearly who is doing what, when, and how.

recognize the potential power imbalance that is part of coaching, and respect our clients as autonomous individuals.

With clear boundaries, we have fewer misunderstandings and awkward situations.

Which is always good.

With well-defined, strong, healthy boundaries, our “emotional bank account” is freed up to invest in a robust coaching relationship that keeps us as coaches safe and sane, while helping clients reach their goals.

Appropriate (and also creepy) behavior is context-dependent.

There’s a green zone: Totally cool almost all of the time. Like smiling and making eye contact as you greet a client.

There are “gray zones”: A little more blurry, and depends on the context and nature of the relationship. Like hugging a client after they just did their first pullup.

And there’s a red zone: Definitely—and always—a hard “no.” Like, “Don’t steal from clients” seems pretty intuitive.

But in real life, boundaries aren’t one-size-fits-all.

Therefore (and to make things more complex), the same action can be “green” with one client and “red” with another.

With a client you have a secure, trusting relationship with, it might be totally cool to exchange the odd gift.

But that newer client you suspect might be crushing on you? Exchanging gifts may send the wrong message and confuse the purpose of the relationship.

Context is everything.

With more experience, trust, and maturity you have more freedom—to get close, to joke, potentially to do or say “inappropriate” things.

With relationships that are newer, more fraught or confused, play by stricter rules.

In terms of ethical codes, health and fitness coaching is a little late to the party.

Other fields of service provision, such as psychology or social work, have clear codes of ethics they abide by.

Many mental and physical health care service providers receive ethics training as part of their certification, but coaches often don’t.

Yet part of your job as a coach is to behave ethically, which includes defining and maintaining clear boundaries.

So Precision Nutrition wrote its own Code of Ethics for the coaches we certify.

You can start with our Code of Ethics as a template, and add to it as you wish, according to your own value system, and the nuances of your practice.

PN Coaching Certification Code of Ethics

In your professional role as a coach:

Act in the client’s best interest. Prioritize their wellbeing, safety, values, goals, and comfort where possible.

Respect the worth and dignity of the clients you serve. Treat all clients with professional courtesy, compassion, and care.

Protect your clients’ privacy and confidentiality. This includes that you:

Follow standard data security protocols, such as protecting your personal logins and storing client data securely.

Be careful what you discuss about clients, and with whom.

Do not disclose personal or identifying details of clients.

Ask permission before sharing anything on social media.

Act with integrity. Make yourself worthy of your clients’ respect and trust. Don’t exploit your clients, financially or otherwise. Don’t seek personal gain from your client relationship (beyond your coaching fees, obviously).

Act with objectivity. Know the rules, regulations, and procedures expected of you, and follow them equitably and appropriately for each client.

Set clear, accurate, and reasonable expectations. Define the terms of the coaching arrangement (e.g. payment, frequency of meeting, how coaching works, etc.) immediately and reinforce them often. Be upfront about what results the client can realistically expect to see.

Have clear professional boundaries. Avoid multiple relationships (e.g. coaching friends or family members; becoming friends with clients) where possible. If you must have multiple relationships, recognize the inherent power imbalance in coaching, and be very clear what hat you’re wearing in a given situation.

Know the limits of your skills and scope of practice. If you can’t serve a client for reasons of ethics or expertise, refer them to another coach and/or care provider if possible.

Keep your skills current. Pursue professional competence, excellence, and mastery. Seek to be a credit to your profession.

8 ways to stay out of sticky situations.

For coaches, there are lots of ways identify, establish, and maintain boundaries in your professional practice. We’ve got 8 to get you started.

The more tools you use, the more clear, comfortable, and secure your relationships will be.

Plus, less awkward moments.

1. Pay attention to your “emotional radar.”

Often, when boundaries get pushed (or trampled on), your body will tell you.

For example, you might notice that around a certain client, you feel tense, “icky,” or even repelled.

If you observe those sensations, check in with yourself.

Are roles defined and contracts clear?

Are you being asked to do things (either implicitly or explicitly) that make you feel uncomfortable?

Are you being exposed to some “TMI” material, either through the content of your client’s words, or images they sent to you?

If you can identify what’s bothering you, work to fix the situation:

Model appropriate behavior.

Communicate clearly, assertively, and maturely. (Keep reading for ideas on how to do this.)

Inform others about your boundaries and expectations for the working relationship. Don’t assume people “should just know” what appropriate behavior is. They might not.

2. Use body language to manage the space between you and your clients.

We “say” a lot without actually saying it.

Humans have a sort of sixth sense when it comes to expressing and reading body language. What we do with our bodies, and what others do, is worth a thousand words.

That means you can actually use your body as a tool to shape the coach-client relationship.

You can use your nonverbal cues to steer or “lead” clients.

For example, if a client is getting a little too close, you can lean or step back a little to increase the distance between you, or put an object between you (such as a desk or bench).

Without using words, this suggests, “This is a better amount of space between us.”

Other times, you may want to encourage closeness.

One simple way to do this is by “mirroring” your clients’ movements (subtly), and making eye contact. This demonstrates your attention and presence, and can foster a feeling of connection.

To convey confidence and authority, stand or sit tall, with good, but relatively relaxed posture. You’ll look like someone worth respecting and listening to.

3. Use your voice to show the right balance of care and authority.

Voices are powerful.

Your voice can command, cajole, calm, or control—and it can help you set and maintain boundaries too.

Generally, a warm, yet professional tone will signify interest and authority.

Speak clearly at a moderate pace, and unless you’re actually asking a question, be careful of a tendency to use a rising tone at the end of a sentence. (Which will make everything sound like a question? And it’ll imply that you don’t need to be taken seriously?)

Match your voice volume and cadence to your client’s to show attunement.

You can also use your voice to steer someone gently if you feel things should be going in a different direction: talking slower and lower to a client who’s gotten worked up and is talking fast and loud; speaking gently to a client who’s intimidated, scared, or defensive; or speaking firmly and clearly to a client who’s gotten a little too… friendly.

4. Write like a pro (or at least a good middle school student)

Even if your main jam is one-on-one sessions with clients, talking in an office or on a gym floor, you’ll probably do a fair bit of writing too: in emails or texts, handouts, contracts, and signs on the wall.

Your professional image is reflected in your writing, so cover the basics: Use proper punctuation, check your spelling, and get your message across clearly and concisely.

Make sure signs are clearly displayed and contracts are reviewed and understood, ideally before you begin your coaching relationship.

Signs and contracts tell clients what to expect, what their responsibilities are, and what you’re here for (and not here for). Articulate this up front, and you’ll have fewer problems later.

5. Make informed consent an ongoing conversation.

If you’ve ever joined a gym, had a massage, received psychotherapy, or joined a sports team, you might have had to go through some kind of informed consent and waiver-signing process.

An informed consent form usually covers things like scope of services and liability, and the potential risks to clients. It’s a good idea for every coaching practice to have one.

But it doesn’t have to stop there.

If made an ongoing conversation, the informed consent process can be an awesome, useful tool that helps define boundaries and helps clients feel heard, respected, and comforted.

Check in with your client on consent topics every few weeks. You can organize the conversation around themes like:

What’s happening for you as a client right now? Can you give me a “status update” about how you feel / think about our process, or your current situation?

Are you OK with what’s happening now? Does this match what you expected or wanted? Would you feel more comfortable doing something differently?

Do you understand what’s happening now? Do you as a client, comprehend why we’re doing something, and/or what the risks and benefits are? Do you understand how this activity connects to your goals?

Do you want to continue in this direction? Or do you need a break? Informed consent includes the client knowing that they have the right to say no to anything the coach proposes.

6. Protect your time.

Pop quiz: If a client texts you at 2am, do you respond?

Clients may email, text, or even call at all hours of the day or night. While you can have your business hours clearly displayed on your website, contracts, or signs around your office, clients may still pop in when it’s convenient for them.

That’s OK. (So long as they’re not banging on the door of your personal home at midnight. That’s “red zone” material.)

When and how quickly you respond to clients signals to them what you will accept, and what they should expect.

For example, if you start answering emails at 10:30 at night, a client may expect you to be available during those hours. If you always respond to texts within three minutes, a client may expect nearly immediate answers from you.

You get to decide what your boundaries are here, and what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want your evenings to be crowded out by client emails, then turn the computer off before dinner, and respond to them in the morning.

Similarly, you get to set the tone for how time is spent during your in-person time with clients.

If a client is consistently late or missing appointments, or if they keep directing the conversation to who they went out with on the weekend instead of how their food journaling went, then it’s your job to gently but firmly call them out.

Sometimes an adult conversation needs to happen.

Like:

“Hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been 20 minutes late for the last three appointments. Is this still a good time for you? If it is, let’s agree to start our session on time so we don’t have to cut into your appointment time.”

Or:

“It sounds like you had a fun weekend! But hey, I’d love to talk about your nutrition. I know one of your goals is to eat better, and I’m curious to know about how you’ve been doing. The more we focus our conversation, the better we can get both of our needs met.”

Approach these conversations as if you and your client are on the same team, rather than adversaries. Be friendly, and focus on the win you both want!

7. Dress sharp.

One perk of being a coach: You get to dress comfy!

One downside of being a coach: You get to dress comfy! Which means that sometimes, it’s hard to know what looks appropriate and also helps you demonstrate a squat or run a few agility ladders.

However, if you choose carefully, you can convey professionalism in athletic gear.

If you look professional, your clients will be less likely to treat you as a buddy or a potential hookup, and more likely to treat you as, well, a professional.

Make sure your clothes are clean and well-maintained, and that all your, um, parts are contained.

Your dress should also be appropriate to your environment. If you work at a gym, gym clothes are good. If you work in an office, “business casual” is likely the better dress code.

8. If physical contact is necessary, check in with your client’s experience of it often.

If you’re a personal trainer, massage therapist, yoga teacher, chiropractor, etc., body work is part of your job.

Make sure to have clients sign a form that provides consent to touch.

Even with contracts signed and squared off, always ask your clients for permission before you touch them, especially in potentially awkward or vulnerable areas. (This is especially important in situations where touch could be misinterpreted—for instance, a male personal trainer touching a female client’s glutes.)

If you’re a coach, here’s a handy checklist for considering boundaries when touching your client.

Does touching my client make sense in the context of our professional relationship? Am I, for example, a massage therapist or personal trainer legitimately touching my client in particular ways?

Does touching my client raise any issues given our social identities? That’s a fancy way of saying who are you, and who are they? Are you male, female, older, younger, the coach, the client (and so on)?

Does touching my client make sense in a cultural or social context? Different cultures have different norms on touch. And “culture” can be anything. For instance, your local MMA gym may consider it perfectly normal to choke someone with your thighs… but that’s not a good look at your average gym.

What are the benefits to touching my client? Am I helping teach them an exercise, giving them useful feedback, creating a genuine personal connection, and/or calming them?

What are the potential risks to touching my client? Might I be invading their boundaries, making them feel less comfortable, or sending signals that could be misinterpreted?

What are my motivations for touching my client? Is this to benefit them, or me?

Do I know my client’s personal history or level of comfort with touch? Some people have a history of physical or sexual abuse, or simply aren’t that comfortable being touched. Since you likely don’t know all clients’ personal details, start by assuming your client may have some kind of discomfort with touching. Proceed slowly with caution and assess their comfort as you go.

How am I letting my client know what to expect? A simple way to judge comfort is just to announce, then ask. For example, “I’m going to put my hand just underneath your left armpit to feel if your lat muscles are engaged. Is that OK?”

What feedback am I getting? Read body language, and ask. If your client gives you a hearty handshake with a bro-back-slap while making eye contact and smiling, you’re probably good to do the same. If you hug them and they shrink back or go rigid, quit hugging them.

Have alternatives handy. If you’re trying to give a client proprioceptive feedback, you can often use some neutral object (like having their butt hit a wall when you’re teaching a hip hinge). If hugging is a no, you may be able to do a less-threatening touch of the upper arm, or just work your smile and wave game.

And this should go without saying, but we’re gonna say it anyway:

For heaven’s sake, don’t touch your clients inappropriately. If you don’t know what constitutes consent or assault, educate yourself.

What to do next

When your “boundary radar” goes off, pay attention.

Don’t wait or avoid a situation that’s bothering you.

If you do, it’ll often get worse.

Prevention is the best option here, but if that hasn’t worked, then sometimes you’ll need to deal directly with an uncomfortable situation.

If possible, prepare documentation—such as emails, text messages, or a written summary of what happened from your perspective—or discussion topics in advance, and consider your overall strategy before having a difficult conversation.

Remember: You never have to work with someone who’s abusive, aggressive, or otherwise violates your boundaries.

Whether it’s a persistent series of misunderstandings and misalignments; someone who constantly gives you the “ugh” or “uh-oh” feeling; or outright harassment, you never have to tolerate a physically or psychologically harmful situation.

Get out or refer out.

Want strategies to level up your coaching?

It’s no secret that master coaches develop over time, through education and consistent practice, usually under the guidance of a mentor or coach.

Precision Nutrition is the only company in the world that both works with thousands of our own nutrition coaching clients and teaches health, fitness, and wellness professionals our real-world methods for getting results.

And here’s some great news: Our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class kicks off on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2019.

Want to achieve total confidence in your coaching skills? Get (and keep) more clients? Grow and strengthen your practice? If so, the Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification is definitely for you.

It’s designed specifically for Level 1 students and grads who realize that knowing about the science of nutrition isn’t enough.

Part master class, part grad program, part mentorship, it’s the only course in the world designed to help you master the art of coaching, meaning better results for your clients and a better practice for you.

Since we only take a limited number of professionals, and since the program sells out every time, I strongly recommend you add your name to our VIP List below. When you do, you get the chance to sign up 24 hours before everyone else. Even better, you get a huge discount off the general price of the program.

[Note: The Level 2 Master Class is only for students and grads of our Level 1 Certification. So if you haven’t yet enrolled in that program, please begin there.]

Interested? Add your name to the VIP list. You’ll save up to 37% and secure your spot 24 hours before everyone else.

We’ll be opening up spots in our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class on Wednesday, April 3rd.

If you want to find out more, we’ve set up the following VIP list which gives you two advantages.

Pay less than everyone else. We like to reward people who are eager to get started and ready to gain mastery in their coaching practice. So we’re offering a discount of up to 37% off the general price when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list.

Sign up 24 hours before the general public and increase your chances of getting a spot. We only open the PN Master Class twice per year. Due to high demand and a very limited number of spots, we expect it to sell out fast. But when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list, we’ll give you the opportunity to register a full 24 hours before anyone else.

If you’re ready to take the next step in becoming a world-class coach, we’re ready to share our knowledge and help you master the art of coaching.

jQuery(document).ready(function(){ jQuery("#references_link").click(function(){ jQuery("#references_holder").show(); jQuery("#references_link").parent().hide(); }); });

References

Click here to view the information sources referenced in this article.

Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association. (2015). Standards of Practice (5th ed.) [PDF file]. Ottawa, ON. Retrieved from https://www.ccpa-accp.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/StandardsOfPractice_en_June2015.pdf

Canadian Association of Social Workers. (2005). Code of Ethics [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.casw-acts.ca/sites/default/files/documents/casw_code_of_ethics.pdf

Bryson, Sandy. Understanding Professional Boundaries [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.dsc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Understanding-Professional-Boundaries.pdf

The post Setting boundaries: What to do when your client is in love with you, and other sticky situations. appeared first on Precision Nutrition.

Setting boundaries: What to do when your client is in love with you, and other sticky situations. published first on https://storeseapharmacy.tumblr.com

[oovitus]

“Help! My client is in love with me!” How to establish boundaries in your coaching practice—and avoid all kinds of nasty situations.

What do you do when your fitness client asks you out for a drink? Or texts you at 2am? Or slightly recoils from your touch during an assessment? When you’re a health professional working closely with people who need your help, things can occasionally get awkward. Use this guide to set professional boundaries, while still creating a trusting coach-client relationship.

++++

The details: A Precision Nutrition Certified coach—we’ll call her Sue—reached out to our private Facebook group for advice on a serious problem. Her client, also a coworker, had developed feelings for her.

Sue didn’t feel the same way.

She cared about this client and his goals. He’d already lost 50 pounds with her help.

But she didn’t want to be a caregiver or caretaker. His behavior had become an emotional drain.

When Sue tried to distance herself from the client, he lashed out and became self-destructive. His health habits regressed, and he went back to emotional eating.

As a coaching professional, Sue understood the dynamics. She knew the client’s reliance on her had become unhealthy. And she recognized that she herself was becoming more and more distressed.

Understandably, she felt stuck.

She’d have to confront difficult feelings: The client would be upset.

He’d regress: Asking him to change his behavior would cause a health-damaging backslide.

She was also caught in conflicting close relationships: They work together every day.

Tricky situations like Sue’s are very common in health and fitness coaching.

Yet while therapists, psychologists, and doctors are formally trained to navigate the boundary issues that arise in client-practitioner relationships, fitness professionals often aren’t.

So consider this your crash course for conduct, complete with practical tools you can use now, no matter how where you are in your career.

++++

The relationship between a client and a health practitioner is inherently intimate.

This is true whether you’re a strength coach, a group fitness trainer, a psychologist, a massage therapist, or a yoga instructor.

Deep feelings are discussed. Bodies are touched.

It’s “closeness,” even if it’s not romantic closeness.

As a result of this intimacy, it’s quite common (and natural) for coaches or clients to develop feelings (negative or positive) for each other. Feelings of friendship, tenderness, protectiveness, jealousy, anger, and/or frustration spill into the professional arrangement.

Without honesty, clear expectations, and mature, open communication, stuff gets messy.

Defining and upholding proper boundaries ensures that feelings don’t confuse the ultimate goal: to help the client achieve his or her health goals through self-empowered action.

When we don’t have well-defined and well-communicated roles, everyone is kinda standing around wondering, “What am I allowed to do here? And how are we supposed to interact?”

Anxieties, frustrations, and old hurts emerge, often vaguely and vexingly, and we feel pushed and pulled in many directions.

That’s why we need boundaries.

Boundaries are the invisible lines of division between the service provider and the client or patient, the social (and sometimes physical) norms and practices that define:

who is playing what role (e.g. who is coach and who is client);

what those roles involve (e.g. who provides direction and how); and

what the limits of that professional relationship are (e.g. how available the coach is for the client, or what’s discussed in sessions).

Good boundaries mean that clients:

feel safe and secure with their coaches, trusting they’ll act in their best interests.

understand the care a coach shows is the universal care of an invested, compassionate professional, and not a sign of romantic interest (or some other attachment).

are obligated to show up maturely and responsibly; to regulate their emotions, own their behaviors, and be consistent.

Good boundaries mean that coaches:

avoid ethical breaches or working outside of our scope of practice.

don’t take on more than our share of responsibility for client progress and change.

show our clients clearly who is doing what, when, and how.

recognize the potential power imbalance that is part of coaching, and respect our clients as autonomous individuals.

With clear boundaries, we have fewer misunderstandings and awkward situations.

Which is always good.

With well-defined, strong, healthy boundaries, our “emotional bank account” is freed up to invest in a robust coaching relationship that keeps us as coaches safe and sane, while helping clients reach their goals.

Appropriate behavior is context-dependent.

There’s a green zone: Totally cool almost all of the time. Like smiling and making eye contact as you greet a client.

There are “gray zones”: A little more blurry, and depends on the context and nature of the relationship. Like hugging a client after they just did their first pullup.

And there’s a red zone: Definitely—and always—a hard “no.” Like, “Don’t steal from clients” seems pretty intuitive.

But in real life, boundaries aren’t one-size-fits-all.

Therefore (and to make things more complex), the same action can be “green” with one client and “red” with another.

With a client you have a secure, trusting relationship with, it might be totally cool to exchange the odd gift.

But that newer client you suspect might be crushing on you? Exchanging gifts may send the wrong message and confuse the purpose of the relationship.

Context is everything.

With more experience, trust, and maturity you have more freedom—to get close, to joke, potentially to do or say “inappropriate” things.

With relationships that are newer, more fraught or confused, play by stricter rules.

In terms of ethical codes, health and fitness coaching is a little late to the party.

Other fields of service provision, such as psychology or social work, have clear codes of ethics they abide by.

Many mental and physical health care service providers receive ethics training as part of their certification, but coaches often don’t.

Yet part of your job as a coach is to behave ethically, which includes defining and maintaining clear boundaries.

So Precision Nutrition wrote its own Code of Ethics for the coaches we certify.

You can start with our Code of Ethics as a template, and add to it as you wish, according to your own value system, and the nuances of your practice.

PN Coaching Certification Code of Ethics

In your professional role as a coach:

Act in the client’s best interest. Prioritize their wellbeing, safety, values, goals, and comfort where possible.

Respect the worth and dignity of the clients you serve. Treat all clients with professional courtesy, compassion, and care.

Protect your clients’ privacy and confidentiality. This includes that you:

Follow standard data security protocols, such as protecting your personal logins and storing client data securely.

Be careful what you discuss about clients, and with whom.

Do not disclose personal or identifying details of clients.

Ask permission before sharing anything on social media.

Act with integrity. Make yourself worthy of your clients’ respect and trust. Don’t exploit your clients, financially or otherwise. Don’t seek personal gain from your client relationship (beyond your coaching fees, obviously).

Act with objectivity. Know the rules, regulations, and procedures expected of you, and follow them equitably and appropriately for each client.

Set clear, accurate, and reasonable expectations. Define the terms of the coaching arrangement (e.g. payment, frequency of meeting, how coaching works, etc.) immediately and reinforce them often. Be upfront about what results the client can realistically expect to see.

Have clear professional boundaries. Avoid multiple relationships (e.g. coaching friends or family members; becoming friends with clients) where possible. If you must have multiple relationships, recognize the inherent power imbalance in coaching, and be very clear what hat you’re wearing in a given situation.

Know the limits of your skills and scope of practice. If you can’t serve a client for reasons of ethics or expertise, refer them to another coach and/or care provider if possible.

Keep your skills current. Pursue professional competence, excellence, and mastery. Seek to be a credit to your profession.

8 tools to define boundaries in your coaching practice.

For coaches, there are lots of ways identify, establish, and maintain boundaries in your professional practice. We’ve got 8 to get you started.

The more tools you use, the more clear, comfortable, and secure your relationships will be.

Plus, less awkward situations.

1. Pay attention to your “emotional radar.”

Often, when boundaries get pushed (or trampled on), your body will tell you.

For example, you might notice that around a certain client, you feel tense, “icky,” or even repelled.

If you observe those sensations, check in with yourself.

Are roles defined and contracts clear?

Are you being asked to do things (either implicitly or explicitly) that make you feel uncomfortable?

Are you being exposed to some “TMI” material, either through the content of your client’s words, or images they sent to you?

If you can identify what’s bothering you, work to fix the situation:

Model appropriate behavior.

Communicate clearly, assertively, and maturely. (Keep reading for ideas on how to do this.)

Inform others about your boundaries and expectations for the working relationship. Don’t assume people “should just know” what appropriate behavior is. They might not.

2. Use body language to manage the space between you and your clients.

We “say” a lot without actually saying it.

Humans have a sort of sixth sense when it comes to expressing and reading body language. What we do with our bodies, and what others do, is worth a thousand words.

That means you can actually use your body as a tool to shape the coach-client relationship.

You can use your nonverbal cues to steer or “lead” clients.

For example, if a client is getting a little too close, you can lean or step back a little to increase the distance between you, or put an object between you (such as a desk or bench).

Without using words, this suggests, “This is a better amount of space between us.”

Other times, you may want to encourage closeness.

One simple way to do this is by “mirroring” your clients’ movements (subtly), and making eye contact. This demonstrates your attention and presence, and can foster a feeling of connection.

To convey confidence and authority, stand or sit tall, with good, but relatively relaxed posture. You’ll look like someone worth respecting and listening to.

3. Use your voice to show the right balance of care and authority.

Voices are powerful.

Your voice can command, cajole, calm, or control—and it can help you set and maintain boundaries too.

Generally, a warm, yet professional tone will signify interest and authority.

Speak clearly at a moderate pace, and unless you’re actually asking a question, be careful of a tendency to use a rising tone at the end of a sentence. (Which will make everything sound like a question? And it’ll imply that you don’t need to be taken seriously?)

Match your voice volume and cadence to your client’s to show attunement.

You can also use your voice to steer someone gently if you feel things should be going in a different direction: talking slower and lower to a client who’s gotten worked up and is talking fast and loud; speaking gently to a client who’s intimidated, scared, or defensive; or speaking firmly and clearly to a client who’s gotten a little too… friendly.

4. Write like a pro.

Even if your main jam is one-on-one sessions with clients, talking in an office or on a gym floor, you’ll probably do a fair bit of writing too: in emails or texts, handouts, contracts, and signs on the wall.

Your professional image is reflected in your writing, so cover the basics: Use proper punctuation, check your spelling, and get your message across clearly and concisely.

Make sure signs are clearly displayed and contracts are reviewed and understood, ideally before you begin your coaching relationship.

Signs and contracts tell clients what to expect, what their responsibilities are, and what you’re here for (and not here for). Articulate this up front, and you’ll have fewer problems later.

5. Make informed consent an ongoing conversation.

If you’ve ever joined a gym, had a massage, received psychotherapy, or joined a sports team, you might have had to go through some kind of informed consent and waiver-signing process.

An informed consent form usually covers things like scope of services and liability, and the potential risks to clients. It’s a good idea for every coaching practice to have one.

But it doesn’t have to stop there.

If made an ongoing conversation, the informed consent process can be an awesome, useful tool that helps define boundaries and helps clients feel heard, respected, and comforted.

Check in with your client on consent topics every few weeks. You can organize the conversation around themes like:

What’s happening for you as a client right now? Can you give me a “status update” about how you feel / think about our process, or your current situation?

Are you OK with what’s happening now? Does this match what you expected or wanted? Would you feel more comfortable doing something differently?

Do you understand what’s happening now? Do you as a client, comprehend why we’re doing something, and/or what the risks and benefits are? Do you understand how this activity connects to your goals?

Do you want to continue in this direction? Or do you need a break? Informed consent includes the client knowing that they have the right to say no to anything the coach proposes.

6. Protect your time.

Pop quiz: If a client texts you at 2am, do you respond?

Clients may email, text, or even call at all hours of the day or night. While you can have your business hours clearly displayed on your website, contracts, or signs around your office, clients may still pop in when it’s convenient for them.

That’s OK. (So long as they’re not banging on the door of your personal home at midnight. That’s “red zone” material.)

When and how quickly you respond to clients signals to them what you will accept, and what they should expect.

For example, if you start answering emails at 10:30 at night, a client may expect you to be available during those hours. If you always respond to texts within three minutes, a client may expect nearly immediate answers from you.

You get to decide what your boundaries are here, and what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want your evenings to be crowded out by client emails, then turn the computer off before dinner, and respond to them in the morning.

Similarly, you get to set the tone for how time is spent during your in-person time with clients.

If a client is consistently late or missing appointments, or if they keep directing the conversation to who they went out with on the weekend instead of how their food journaling went, then it’s your job to gently but firmly call them out.

Sometimes an adult conversation needs to happen.

Like:

“Hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been 20 minutes late for the last three appointments. Is this still a good time for you? If it is, let’s agree to start our session on time so we don’t have to cut into your appointment time.”

Or:

“It sounds like you had a fun weekend! But hey, I’d love to talk about your nutrition. I know one of your goals is to eat better, and I’m curious to know about how you’ve been doing. The more we focus our conversation, the better we can get both of our needs met.”

Approach these conversations as if you and your client are on the same team, rather than adversaries. Be friendly, and focus on the win you both want!

7. Dress sharp.

One perk of being a coach: You get to dress comfy!

One downside of being a coach: You get to dress comfy! Which means that sometimes, it’s hard to know what looks appropriate and also helps you demonstrate a squat or run a few agility ladders.

However, if you choose carefully, you can convey professionalism in athletic gear.

If you look professional, your clients will be less likely to treat you as a buddy or a potential hookup, and more likely to treat you as, well, a professional.

Make sure your clothes are clean and well-maintained, and that all your, um, parts are contained.

Your dress should also be appropriate to your environment. If you work at a gym, gym clothes are good. If you work in an office, “business casual” is likely the better dress code.

8. If physical contact is necessary, check in with your client’s experience of it often.

If you’re a personal trainer, massage therapist, yoga teacher, chiropractor, etc., body work is part of your job.

Make sure to have clients sign a form that provides consent to touch.

Even with contracts signed and squared off, always ask your clients for permission before you touch them, especially in potentially awkward or vulnerable areas. (This is especially important in situations where touch could be misinterpreted—for instance, a male personal trainer touching a female client’s glutes.)

If you’re a coach, here’s a handy checklist for considering boundaries when touching your client.

Does touching my client make sense in the context of our professional relationship? Am I, for example, a massage therapist or personal trainer legitimately touching my client in particular ways?

Does touching my client raise any issues given our social identities? That’s a fancy way of saying who are you, and who are they? Are you male, female, older, younger, the coach, the client (and so on)?

Does touching my client make sense in a cultural or social context? Different cultures have different norms on touch. And “culture” can be anything. For instance, your local MMA gym may consider it perfectly normal to choke someone with your thighs… but that’s not a good look at your average gym.

What are the benefits to touching my client? Am I helping teach them an exercise, giving them useful feedback, creating a genuine personal connection, and/or calming them?

What are the potential risks to touching my client? Might I be invading their boundaries, making them feel less comfortable, or sending signals that could be misinterpreted?

What are my motivations for touching my client? Is this to benefit them, or me?

Do I know my client’s personal history or level of comfort with touch? Some people have a history of physical or sexual abuse, or simply aren’t that comfortable being touched. Since you likely don’t know all clients’ personal details, start by assuming your client may have some kind of discomfort with touching. Proceed slowly with caution and assess their comfort as you go.

How am I letting my client know what to expect? A simple way to judge comfort is just to announce, then ask. For example, “I’m going to put my hand just underneath your left armpit to feel if your lat muscles are engaged. Is that OK?”

What feedback am I getting? Read body language, and ask. If your client gives you a hearty handshake with a bro-back-slap while making eye contact and smiling, you’re probably good to do the same. If you hug them and they shrink back or go rigid, quit hugging them.

Have alternatives handy. If you’re trying to give a client proprioceptive feedback, you can often use some neutral object (like having their butt hit a wall when you’re teaching a hip hinge). If hugging is a no, you may be able to do a less-threatening touch of the upper arm, or just work your smile and wave game.

And this should go without saying, but we’re gonna say it anyway:

For heaven’s sake, don’t touch your clients inappropriately. If you don’t know what constitutes consent or assault, educate yourself.

What to do next

When your “boundary radar” goes off, pay attention.

Don’t wait or avoid a situation that’s bothering you.

If you do, it’ll often get worse.

Prevention is the best option here, but if that hasn’t worked, then sometimes you’ll need to deal directly with an uncomfortable situation.

If possible, prepare documentation—such as emails, text messages, or a written summary of what happened from your perspective—or discussion topics in advance, and consider your overall strategy before having a difficult conversation.

Remember: You never have to work with someone who’s abusive, aggressive, or otherwise violates your boundaries.

Whether it’s a persistent series of misunderstandings and misalignments; someone who constantly gives you the “ugh” or “uh-oh” feeling; or outright harassment, you never have to tolerate a physically or psychologically harmful situation.

Get out or refer out.

Want strategies to level up your coaching?

It’s no secret that master coaches develop over time, through education and consistent practice, usually under the guidance of a mentor or coach.

Precision Nutrition is the only company in the world that both works with thousands of our own nutrition coaching clients and teaches health, fitness, and wellness professionals our real-world methods for getting results.

And here’s some great news: Our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class kicks off on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2019.

Want to achieve total confidence in your coaching skills? Get (and keep) more clients? Grow and strengthen your practice? If so, the Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification is definitely for you.

It’s designed specifically for Level 1 students and grads who realize that knowing about the science of nutrition isn’t enough.

Part master class, part grad program, part mentorship, it’s the only course in the world designed to help you master the art of coaching, meaning better results for your clients and a better practice for you.

Since we only take a limited number of professionals, and since the program sells out every time, I strongly recommend you add your name to our VIP List below. When you do, you get the chance to sign up 24 hours before everyone else. Even better, you get a huge discount off the general price of the program.

[Note: The Level 2 Master Class is only for students and grads of our Level 1 Certification. So if you haven’t yet enrolled in that program, please begin there.]

Interested? Add your name to the VIP list. You’ll save up to 37% and secure your spot 24 hours before everyone else.

We’ll be opening up spots in our next Precision Nutrition Level 2 Certification Master Class on Wednesday, April 3rd.

If you want to find out more, we’ve set up the following VIP list which gives you two advantages.

Pay less than everyone else. We like to reward people who are eager to get started and ready to gain mastery in their coaching practice. So we’re offering a discount of up to 37% off the general price when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list.

Sign up 24 hours before the general public and increase your chances of getting a spot. We only open the PN Master Class twice per year. Due to high demand and a very limited number of spots, we expect it to sell out fast. But when you sign up for the Master Class VIP list, we’ll give you the opportunity to register a full 24 hours before anyone else.

If you’re ready to take the next step in becoming a world-class coach, we’re ready to share our knowledge and help you master the art of coaching.

jQuery(document).ready(function(){ jQuery("#references_link").click(function(){ jQuery("#references_holder").show(); jQuery("#references_link").parent().hide(); }); });

References

Click here to view the information sources referenced in this article.

Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association. (2015). Standards of Practice (5th ed.) [PDF file]. Ottawa, ON. Retrieved from https://www.ccpa-accp.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/StandardsOfPractice_en_June2015.pdf

Canadian Association of Social Workers. (2005). Code of Ethics [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.casw-acts.ca/sites/default/files/documents/casw_code_of_ethics.pdf

Bryson, Sandy. Understanding Professional Boundaries [PDF file]. Retrieved from https://www.dsc.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Understanding-Professional-Boundaries.pdf

The post “Help! My client is in love with me!” How to establish boundaries in your coaching practice—and avoid all kinds of nasty situations. appeared first on Precision Nutrition.

“Help! My client is in love with me!” How to establish boundaries in your coaching practice—and avoid all kinds of nasty situations. published first on