#and its kinda 50/50 if being in a show will inspire euphoria or depression and those chances get higher if its a straight play | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dreadfuldevotee · 2 months

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dilemma: volunteer in community theaters costume department to keep my hands busy and to also talk to literally anyone face to face But (big kicker) experience excruciating pain over not being in the actual shows themselves

#char.txt #and you will ask ''but char! why not just be in the shows''#well im still working on the whole ''not killing myself'' bit #and its kinda 50/50 if being in a show will inspire euphoria or depression and those chances get higher if its a straight play #and perhaps cowardice- yes ik do it scared but I also don't want to subject others to my meltdowns that doesnt seem fair #ik im doing the whole ''get therapy/medicated/ fixed before letting anyone percieve me'' thing and mentally ik thats not actually healthy #but also it feels like the alternative is a ticking clock to screaming crying panic attacks which doesnt seem fair to anyone #saur #but also my standards of...idk atonement? i feel like im atoning for some great sin (what that sin is...welll you knooooow....)#so yeah atonement are like Appologize to everyone who ever wasted their time on you and promise to not suck this time but also #idk if ill suck this time because its kinda not even in my control which isnt true but it is but it isnt yk #idk i think the quicker answer is to just lobotomize me and end the suffering for everyone jfc #i shouldnt post this

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