#and itd be as easy as making friends but i cant even fucking reply to my mutuals tweets or posts without panicking

[stabyou]

i just burst into tears reading a totally normal post of one of my moots having a good time with their friends and literally Just Living Life because i want to have that so badly. i am so fucking unfulfilled, alone, miserable... and it feels even worse because im doing it to myself

[werewolfbarista]

@necrowyrm replied:

Tell me of them

im putting this under a readmore bc there's a lot more than i intended here BUT!!!!!!

ok so this . is aelyis my namesake the beloved weed dog just in homestuck form. she's a limeblood disguised as a burgundy and shes a prosthetics engineer (the reason she's making that face at sheepgirl in the second image is because she made her a VERY EXPENSIVE ROBO ARM!!!!! and she has LOST IT). lee is also a werewolf

lee is . everything 2 me fr. i dont super know where to start but my favorite always is her relationship w her horrible kismesis sacha (below, cw eye strain)

sacha's a purpleblood (and!! he's my boyfriend's oc!!). he used chucklevoodoos on lee and gaslit the FUCK out of her to manipulate her into basically being an attack dog . their entire relationship is based on making lee think she hates sacha in a pitch way because lee has a rly bad concept of. relationship stuff. so she gets feelings mixed up rly easy. anyway toxic yuri <333333333 also lee ate one of sacha's legs but it's fine. bc sacha was into it and was quite literally asking 4 it. i honestly have. so much for lee that i don't really know where to start i think she would need her own post..........

there's also . THESE TWO. the phantasm (formerly the sentinel) and the harlekin. they used to be matesprits, with the phantasm also serving as the auspistice between harlekin and their kismesis, a cerulean called the redshift (who i..... cant find the art for???? idk)

at one point the redshift decided he was sick of sentinel's interference and used his mind control powers to make harlekin kill sentinel-- which drove harls to go kill redshift in retaliation and then go on to live in isolation fucking wherever <333 the sentinel meanwhile didn't actually die, instead coming back as a rainbow drinker and changing her title to the phantasm. she haunts narratives nbd. harls can't bring themself to interact with fucking anyone anymore unless it's for bastardry bc they dont want a repeat of what happened with phantasm. they're haunted by what couldve been! what they did!!! etc etc!!!!! meanwhile the phantasm refuses to interact with harlekin bc, well. even though harlekin didnt technically kill her, it was still like. really fucked up. and it's absolutely not something she wants to face at this point!!!! that said she's a husk of her former self, feeling like she's got nothing else to really live for but not wanting to (or even being totally able to) die. all ive got is that, wherever she is, she's dodging work under the empire because she doesnt wanna know what theyre gonna want to do with a virtually immortal soldier. im considering having her be a member of a crew of space pirates one of my friends has CONSTRUCTED because i think itd be neat but im still working on it

oh! also, phantasm was the jade who got aelyis out of the brooding caverns. didn't want to see another lime grub culled off

then there's motlii (new spelling since i made the trollcall card)!!!!! motlii is the harlekin's descendant. im probably gonna rework some stuff but according to my. squints. five-ish year old lore, she was taken in by harlekin and phantasm after her lusus was killed by an orphaner. she used to look up to harlekin a great deal but not so much anymore now that she's grown up (harlekin is not nor were they ever a particularly good person). i don't really remember much else but i do plan to do more with her.........

this is another purpleblood of mine (i have..... so many now that im looking at them . ) lazili lives to entertain but she's also tired all the time. she does lots of gig work for funsies, and she's got a bit of a local following, but she doesnt do......much. probably my least violent troll purely because violence requires work that she's not really willing to put in

this is sukimi! i made him during yakuza brainrot awhile back. at this point in time he's an ex-troll-yakuza member, but he grew up in the troll yakuza and he's got every intention to go back later on.

he was taken in by an as-of-yet undesigned troll named himura, who's the head of her own family. she trained him and was basically a mother to him, but as he got older, she got afraid of the possibility of him succeeding her, so she gave him an impossible hit and, when he inevitably failed, she took off his pinkie and exiled him. suki still doesnt quite grasp that she sabotaged him, so right now the plan is to get stronger, take out the guy he was supposed to kill before, and then win his way back in that way. in all reality he's actually going to end up killing himura herself, usurping her position in the family, and then he's gonna rise up to be the chairman of their clan.

for now, though, he's just a bastard <3

finally, there's zarmik. he's my first real fantroll. ive scrapped most of what i had set up for him back in the day (i made him when i was like...... 12 or 13 so...............) but from what i remember!!! he's insanely casteist. just an absolute cunt. which is strange coming from a lowblood but yknow. alternia. he had a vacillating red/pitch relationship with a purpleblood who he ended up killing. fun stuff. may he one day get the proper rework he deserves

having an autism moment about my fantrolls :/

[somedaypast-thesunset]

yesterday we did shrooms.

our friend was the ring leader and mixed 9 grams of it in chocolate and we all split it. im usually okay with shrooms and actually sadly took them enough last summer so i felt calm - usually i just have a very mellow empty headed high.

but this was not good and i guess it was ‘better’ that we all experienced not good. like i knew early on it was going the wrong way and suddenly we just wanted it to be over. it was a very intense trip with audio and visual hallucinations but not like full on break from reality - just warping faces and discoloration and hearing talking when there was none. 

he did not handle this well at all. i feel both me and our friend have a lot of mental issues and have struggled a lot so it was a bit easier for us to handle but i think i handled it the absolute best because i didnt feel traumatized by it when they did. i mean it was very terrible. but ive done worse sober with my own mind in terms of anxiety and shit and the hallucinations i knew were drug induced. no matter what i questioned i reminded myself it was the drugs. i had no grasp on reality, it was the drugs and it would eventually be over. i really just kind of sat it out.

he took it a lot dfferently and it sat on him in relation to the world around him. like he had become upset but unable to express why he was upset that essentilly what he was feeling was something i had felt sober. like his anxiety and neediness and wanting someone to help and feeling overwhelmed - that’s kind of me on the regular. but being able to feel it himself and see it from this perspective i feel like he could see how hard it actually is. it wasnt like anyone was physically ill. everyone was fine and operating and breathing but mentally it was a complete breakdown. like they were thankful -to come back-. as if we would have lost our minds forever. but i know it’s hard to lose your mind forever, it takes a lot of damage and if i was able to rationalize despite it all, i knew eventually they’d come back. 

he was also very very anxious about being upset in front of me because thats not really him. and at one point he was crying, upset about i dont even know and mumbling about james randi. i think he had like pre conceived notions that i might react differently to seeing him upset because he tries really hard to create the illusion of manly man, but on like a subconcious level. i think he thought it would be weakness or something but i just kissed him and everything settled a bit for awhile. 

but the mental breakdown was so bad that it took me a really long time to make food. like i was the first one to be able to moderately operate and i guess thats because im used to that sort of mental breakdown state. like it wasnt as if my drugs were weaker - i was definitely totally fucked up and not well. if i was anywhere but a couch with a blanket - dead in the water. but as soon as the worst of the hallucination subsided and i was able to grasp reality for longer than a couple of seconds, i really tried to take control of my mind and body. i wanted it to be over and i could really not operate well and if you would have put a camera on me in this kitchen it would have been frantic pacing and spinning in circles trying to make chicken nuggets and pizza. 

as i was making the food i went downstairs to check on them and he was laying on the floor with our friend but he suddenly started freaking out at me very seriously and telling me he needs mental help. to me, it’s semi-normal for him to do this. sometimes he changes moods very quickly and you cant question the shift or it escalates it. if you can get him to see hes exaggerating his own thoughts with something more light hearted, he lets it go. but to our friend, he had never seen this side of him. he kept whining about needing a movie on tv but he was doing nothing to help himself with a laptop in the room etc. it was a brief but intense 2 minutes of very serious freking out about needing “mental help” and i casually mentioned how hes “disturbing” our friend which helped switch him to the realization that he wasnt actually alone. 

i finished the food and he asked to tae a nap upstairs which was really just restless anxiety but i felt like .. a much different vibe or shift from him. it wasnt embarassment but like maybe a realization that im not “crazy” and being in mental chaos is hard. both of them were extremely thankful about the food and understood on a deep level how hard it was to mke it - but again, no one was physically sick. everyone could operate but mentally they were gone. so its just really hard to imagine how hard it could be to make food unless you experience if yourself and they did and they appreciated it. 

he was very affectionate towards me after, wanting to sit together and hug me and touching me. he asked me a few times if iwas okay and honestly, i was and i am. it was a really easy mental break for me because i knew it was drug induced. i explained it was little sober me curled in a ball inside and just terrified and waiting it out. cuz its not fun to experience that. im surprised i didnt cry but again i knew it was the drugs. maybe im the best person for a bad trip. i took care of myself and two other people. 

my friend made a comment about us being “boyfriend and girlfriend” i repeated what he usually says - he’s not my boyfriend. so he directly asked him - “youre not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore?” and he replied “look we already established i live in my own reality and thats all that matters” 

whch really he was referring to a comment i made the day before about how he kind of just lived in his own reality where he wont “define” us having a relationship but literally everyone else who knows him and i does because we do in fact by definition have a romantic relationship. so he can think we dont but we definitely do. 

hes very very anxious and passive aggressive about my eviction. which is funny to me because i think its a projection of like.. knowing he probably really wants me but this is a bad situation. like its not a healthy relationship standard to now live together because i was evicted. theres no want or desire there; just necessity. so i get it; but he cant say these things. that makes him committed and obligated to the idea of a full scale long term relationship. he cant be alone and be himself with a connection.

i told him i had an opportunity to live in a nearby bussable city. he commented that itd be a long way to walk but it wouldnt matter - hes going away in the summer (by going away he means the idea of living in his truck). it was a double shot - not only would i have less access to him; it wouldnt matter to him because he’s/he’d just leave anyways. 

its a bit upsetting that he would focus on our “non existant” relationship - he drives enough it doesnt seem that big of a deal to live a bit further and i dont have a lot of options at the moment. like this is upsetting for me too but im trying to stay the course. ike its a bump in the road of my recovery; it’s not a step backwards, its a consquence of my actions before and it doesnt define what im doing right now. right now i feel 50 - 70% equipped to handle this. its not going to be fun or easy but itll really be for the best all around. like being in this apartment is not healthy for me.

and i have to live my own life. like i feel at ease with the idea that were not creating a real life together so im kindof moving on and he might have to make effort to keep it going. if he doesnt, well -- sucks, but what more can i do? sorry for not living up to your expectations?

i want to live with him but at the same time, right now, i dont. maybe in a few more months when he figures things out a bit more. not that i have anything figured out but as my mind has cleared, ive begun to have time to think on what i know and believe and want. ive built some confidence in myself that i might know whats best for me. not that i know everything, but i should trust that i know when it best to listen to someone else too. and i should trust when i know that someone elses opinion might not matter. 

so i know i want a life partner. i know i want to create things - maybe grow or cook, something stress free. i know i want to help a community thrive and grow things within local areas. i’m tired of doing what everyone else wantsme to do; it’s exhausting and suffocating and leads to constant mental breaks. i just want to be me and being me involves a partner. 

i dont want to live with his mother. its very suffocating to be around his mother who places her own misguided expectations on you as well. she told me to get a job at mcdonalds - whch is fair, but what happens when i give up? because i know its what i dont want? why stay in terrible situations? why stay n something you dont want? what i want a majority of the time is to lay down and give up. i’d like the incentive not to and mcdonalds is not it. 

but she doesnt understand that. she doesnt get that like this shroom trip, a lot of my daily coping is within life or death. i have to choose life. i have to choose and grasp reality regularly when i’d rather give in to it all. so when you lay that blanket on ‘get a job at mcdonalds’, it’s just not the rght choice. it seems stupid, but its not the right choice. 

this week i will amazingly work four days. im nervous but looking forward to it and looking forward to it solving some of my problems.