#and it's like cutting off a limb

[novadreii]

How did you *know* you were definitely done, like what is the exact cut off point? Is it just when you recognize prior patterns of abuse? I struggle so hard with this because I want to believe that people are capable of change. And I myself have struggled with my own baggage and abusive behaviour, so I want to give people the benefit of the doubt that I wish for. Hope this isn't weird to ask.

hey, not weird at all.

primarily, i felt like they employed certain tactics to punish me when i wasn't "behaving" the way they wanted me to. they usually liked to stonewall, gaslight, ignore me, invalidate me, and straight up play dumb whenever i tried to voice any kind of emotional distress. my mom would do all of these + rage and hit me, so it took me a while to make the connection between my ex and my mom just because he didn't physically abuse me. but they are both deeply emotionally childish and have narcissistic tendencies.

there was simply no love, guidance or tenderness emanating from him anymore, where those things once flowed from him in spades. it was very clear that he didn't deem me worthy of any basic respect once i lost romantic value to him.

i was ultimately done when:

i realized he had zero intention of changing of fixing anything because he refused to communicate a specific plan to do so. he would claim he loved me (words) but fail to back it up with action. so it wasn't just a temporary problem that he was trying in good faith to fix like i was doing with my issues. he was just LIKE this and it was understood i would have to deal with it.

i realized he had never issued me any kind of remorseful apology and didn't intend to. he hated accountability and apologies with a fucking vengeance. i've never seen anyone besides my mother so averse to apologizing. red fucking flag. this man watched me suffer at his hands for months, knew i was suffering from immense and debilitating anxiety that i was doing everything in my power to control, offered NO assistance, curiosity or care (didn't ask me ONCE in the last few months of our relationship a simple "how are you?"), and never sincerely apologized for it. i actually did get one written peudo-apology ("IF you feel i have wronged you, then i am sorry" everyone learned in the 5th grade that qualifiers have no place in a true apology) and one verbal one ("okay, i'm sorry!" in the exact tone that a petulant teenager uses when not having done his homework and he is not sorry one little bit for it) and they obviously did not count at all. there was no feeling behind it. no empathy. no remorse. just...annoyance? like ugh, this needy bitch demanding that i coddle her again, gross. let me shut her up.

subsequent to the above point, he felt JUSTIFIED in his treatment of me and would never truly feel sorry because of that. he was very performatively moral - this is a guy who goes to a climate rally once every few years and thinks he is the reincarnation of christ striking down capitalism with the radical left because of it. he sees himself as the quintessential Good GuyTM, always TALKS about how good and nice he is, and i came to realize that this identity is rock solid in his eyes---he believes so resolutely in his innate goodness that i know he will never be able to truly introspect and realize that actually, he is capable of harm. we ALL are. we all possess light and dark and it's our responsibility to keep the dark in check, not just try to convince people we are all light. but he cannot and will not conceive of himself as capable of hurting others, so he will continue to do so.

we tried to be friends after breaking up, but he actually continued treating me with the same disdain afterwards. especially with the use of ignoring and talking down to me like i was a fucking child when he didn't like something i said or did, instead of just like. communicating. like an adult. he continued just evading and shutting me down instead of giving me any kind of explanation or closure that i felt i was reasonably due after wasting nearly 3 years of my life and moving to the other side of the country for him.

SO. i actually pulled a rather brilliant manipulation tactic on him towards the end that i don't think he was even cognizant of. he always considered himself rather superior to others and like a chess wizard moving the people in his life around like pawns on a board, which was a huge ick to me lol, but i took a leaf out of his book for once.

i explained to him that in order to be friends, i needed him to really, properly apologize to me, something i was 99.999999% he would never ever do even if he lived to be 1000 years old. if he didn't, we couldn't be friends. this had a 3-fold purpose:

for me, getting an apology is not about my ego. i couldn't care less about being groveled to. it's a test of someone's character. my abusive mother never ONCE apologized for her abuse of our entire family; she hated apologies just as much as he did. apologies demonstrate to me 4 vital traits that i consider to be MUSTS for anyone in my inner circle: maturity, humility, bravery, and integrity. apologies are humbling and hard and they feel like shit especially when you know you are fucking wrong. but truly decent people with backbones know when they are in the wrong, they know the value in making reparations, and they aren't scared to do so. their moral compass exceeds their cowardice.

i was pretty confident that the person he'd revealed himself to be didn't truly posses any of the above 4 traits. but i wasn't sure. i had seen him be so kind and decent on so many occasions that my judgment felt clouded. if he didn't have those traits, then his pride/ego/cowardice would never let him actually apologize, and i would be absolved of having someone like that in my life because he did me a favour and removed himself from it.

BUT on the chance that i was wrong about him and he DID sincerely apologize and make things right, then i would know i had judged him too harshly, or maybe he'd gone to therapy and did some DEEP inner work on himself. this is the only point at which i would be comfortable calling this person a friend.

i consider this brilliant because it ultimately left the decision regarding the nature of our relationship in his hands. friends or strangers? i was so tired of trying to ascertain for myself what kind of person he was and getting mixed signals because of how hot and cold he ran all the time (one of his manipulations). i left it completely in his hands because i was just exhausted. i didn't want the cold, indifferent, aloof version of him in my life. i wanted the soft, kind, vulnerable, brave version that i honestly don't think was ever more than a facade at this point. if it was a facade, then he would never try to make amends. the person i thought i knew would make this right.

i know what you mean. we want to treat others like we want to be treated. all i know is i know my own heart and intention better than anyone. i was also problematic and at times abusive during our relationship. i have PLENTY of my own issues. BUT i never dodged accountability, i apologized sincerely more times than i can count. i FELT deeply terrible. hurting someone i love feels like i'm skinning myself alive, tbh. i went--am still going--to therapy. i know in my heart i genuinely and in good faith did everything i believe was right even when it was hard, even when the shame felt like it would swallow me whole. i sincerely wasn't trying to evade working on my issues like i had in the past. i wanted to do right by this person, and make things right, and this was not reciprocated in the slightest. he was only concerned with himself and what felt good to him, which seemed to include punishing me often.

so no, i don't feel bad, because i gave him every opportunity to self-reflect, go to therapy, and improve things on his end like i was doing on mine. i hung in there way past the point that was healthy for me; i was a pile of shot nerves by the end. but i couldn't carry it for both of us. it was too heavy, and i shouldn't have to. you can give the benefit of the doubt, but when it becomes clear the person is not treating you with equity, respect or good faith, and doesn't ever intend to again, you must believe them.

you cannot suffer indefinitely (or under the illusion that the suffering will be indefinite) for anybody. nobody is perfect, this is what my ex failed to understand. i didn't judge him for being shitty or having trauma or problems. what i couldn't abide was the unwillingness to introspect, take accountability, and grow. that is the only thing that separates "safe" and "unsafe" people to me. the willingness to heal. i have boatloads of trauma myself. but the difference between him and i is that i really want to change in ways that FEEL deeply unsafe and uncomfortable (but are ultimately important) so that i don't hurt people. i know i am capable of being and have been a shitty human and i really don't want to be anymore. i want to do the right thing even when it's hard and doesn't come easily, not just in performative showy ways that don't take much effort.

my ex, who is so entrenched in his copium identity of being someone who is Good and can never do any wrong, just sees me, all of his exes and any friend he's ever lost as The Problem. i remember foolishly believing him, believing that he just had terrrrrrible luck with people! it's easier for him to think this way, because if he was able to actually introspect, think critically about himself and come to terms with the downright dehumanizing ways he has treated others throughout his life, he would feel some icky feelings he doesn't want to feel. he would realize it plays some major part into why he cannot maintain any long-term connections romantic OR platonic, in the loneliness he feels. it's funny because one of his most cherished values is critical thinking; he just prefers to apply it to political analysis (the external) instead of himself (the internal).

to heal, we all have to confront the parts of ourselves we are deeply ashamed of. it feels like ass! and he just isn't ready to do that the way i am. so our paths must diverge, and it was ultimately his decision. my decision was finally enacting a standard for how i will let him--anyone--treat me.

i am sad somtimes, i do miss this person on occasion (or rather, who he led me to believe he was) and i cherish the good memories we had together the best i can. but i know i can no longer withstand neglect, disrespect and cruelty from people close to me anymore. my mind can withstand it more easily than my body can. i feel like i've aged 20 years in this relationship. i feared for my health and had to realize that while i cannot force anyone to change how they treat me, i can remove myself now. i am not a powerless child the way i was with my mother.

it's weird, because i initially started therapy to save my relationship, but therapy is what armed me with the self-love and self-respect to leave it. this irony will never be lost on me.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Welcome to the Dungeons of Fear and Hunger.

[tennessoui]

Ooh for the micro story- accost!

Master Windu on the whole looks incredibly unimpressed with Obi-Wan's testimony. "You don't have post traumatic stress disorder, Master Kenobi."

"I could," Obi-Wan says placidly, lacing his fingers together behind his back. "Honestly, after three years fighting on the frontlines of a galactic war, I think it's time we look at the mental health of those who surv--"

Master Windu raises a hand to quiet him. It works, if begrudgingly so. "The Jedi Council fully understands and supports those Jedi who are grappling with the aftermath of the war, Master Kenobi. That does not make you one of them."

"I could be," Obi-Wan lies, as he isn't. And he's certain that the entirety of the Jedi Temple knows that. The end of the war has, after all, been an incredible blessing to him in every which way.

"I overheard you telling Master Vos that you've slept like a babe for the past several months," Master Fisto points out.

Yes, Obi-Wan has been sleeping rather well. After all, his padawan has made sure of it. They sleep curled together in bed in varying states of undress most every night. Anakin has singlehandedly ensured that Obi-Wan feels too exhausted for any sort of post-war trauma lately, and he's sure the Council knows that. The council practically endorsed it, after all.

So it's really no one's fault but theirs that they've found themselves in this situation.

"I think we're getting off topic," Obi-Wan says. "A holo reporter accosted my padawan on the streets of Coruscant. Of course I retaliated in the name of protecting him."

Master Windu rubs at his temples. "A holo reporter touched your padawan's elbow--your padawan, who, let us remember is a fully-fledged Jedi Master capable of looking after himself and no longer your padawan at all--and you cut off the reporter's arm."

Obi-Wan blinks back at him. "I don't know what came over me," he says blandly. "It must have been the stress of it all. The war and such. You know."

"Get out," Windu says, looking torn between exhaustion, disgust, and aggravation. "And you'll be sitting down with The Coruscanti Sun's Editorial Team in two day's time as punishment. They want to do a spread."

Obi-Wan goes. The threat would carry more weight if he didn't know that the Council knows that there's no way in all of the galaxy that Anakin Skywalker would allow Obi-Wan to spread for the holo cameras. If Obi-Wan is willing to maim a man for asking after the specs of Anakin's mech arm--ensuring that, well, if he liked it so much then he can wear one of his own now--then there's no telling what Anakin would do to keep his master safe from the eyes of an entire editorial board.

[send me a word from this list for a micro-fic!]

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

Seth showcasing how to properly handle an infant mimic

[americankimchi]

it's so hard to take star wars seriously nowadays because i'll watch someone get skewered by a lightsaber and then somehow walk it off with a bacta patch and a slap on the ass. like you're telling me a weapon that can carve furrows into foot-thick solid durasteel doors, dripping melted slag in its wake, when applied to the flesh of a sentient being leaves behind nothing more than superficial damage. like be so ffr. "it cauterizes the wound instantly" this is not a little cut. this is not minor burns. you were IMPALED BY A BEAM OF PLASMA. your ORGANS have been COOKED. your BLOOD has BOILED. your BONES were INCINERATED. what are you TALKING ABOUTTTTTT

[drumlincountry]

I am at the stage of trauma recovery that feels like reattaching previously dead limbs.

[setyourphaserstoslutty]

Listen ao3 hasn’t been down for days we are gonna be okay

[furylad]

u guys are crazy for saying someone deserves to be made disabled because they were mean I just want to express that. ty.

[ghost-proofbaby]

do you ever just feel the depression fog settling in and suddenly feel like all your words, spoken and written, just aren’t making sense? like oh i’m just spewing nonstop nonsense aren’t i.

[spoofyleaf]

Sometimes I remember that my whole house was so obsessed with the show Merlin, that we named the first tree we planted in the yard Merlin.

When it was given to us 11 years ago it was hardly a scraggly stick, and now it looks like a giant bush

Artist rendition

[epickiya722]

I think it's often forgotten that Sukuna had intentions on killing Megumi before deciding to possess his body but even still he technically still tried to kill his spirit by trauma.

[invinciblerodent]

[A codex entry reading:

"Elsewhere, around an anatomical sketch:

Reclaimed. Though damaged beyond repair, the Anchor's condition-- used both to mend and destroy-- is fascinating. A detailed study will consume what remains. But it may also yield the final elements that have eluded me."]

Solas stole my fucking hand

[ultra-swag]

RAGGHHHHH HAPPY HALLOWEEN RAHHHHH

[brokenramunebottle]

I've seen this a lot in horror ship children

Why are we making them have broken skulls?

Like thats not how biology works

If horror had a bashed in skull there is no reason his kid would be born with one??

[howtotrainyouragents]

Me, like I'm sitting at a cafe in a French philosophical film: Luffy, he kisses the homies good night, you know? He cuddles the bros to sleep

[xamaxenta]

Eauguhf thinking abt ditching this tumblr at last