#and it's like cutting off a limb
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How did you *know* you were definitely done, like what is the exact cut off point? Is it just when you recognize prior patterns of abuse? I struggle so hard with this because I want to believe that people are capable of change. And I myself have struggled with my own baggage and abusive behaviour, so I want to give people the benefit of the doubt that I wish for. Hope this isn't weird to ask.
hey, not weird at all.
primarily, i felt like they employed certain tactics to punish me when i wasn't "behaving" the way they wanted me to. they usually liked to stonewall, gaslight, ignore me, invalidate me, and straight up play dumb whenever i tried to voice any kind of emotional distress. my mom would do all of these + rage and hit me, so it took me a while to make the connection between my ex and my mom just because he didn't physically abuse me. but they are both deeply emotionally childish and have narcissistic tendencies.
there was simply no love, guidance or tenderness emanating from him anymore, where those things once flowed from him in spades. it was very clear that he didn't deem me worthy of any basic respect once i lost romantic value to him.
i was ultimately done when:
i realized he had zero intention of changing of fixing anything because he refused to communicate a specific plan to do so. he would claim he loved me (words) but fail to back it up with action. so it wasn't just a temporary problem that he was trying in good faith to fix like i was doing with my issues. he was just LIKE this and it was understood i would have to deal with it.
i realized he had never issued me any kind of remorseful apology and didn't intend to. he hated accountability and apologies with a fucking vengeance. i've never seen anyone besides my mother so averse to apologizing. red fucking flag. this man watched me suffer at his hands for months, knew i was suffering from immense and debilitating anxiety that i was doing everything in my power to control, offered NO assistance, curiosity or care (didn't ask me ONCE in the last few months of our relationship a simple "how are you?"), and never sincerely apologized for it. i actually did get one written peudo-apology ("IF you feel i have wronged you, then i am sorry" everyone learned in the 5th grade that qualifiers have no place in a true apology) and one verbal one ("okay, i'm sorry!" in the exact tone that a petulant teenager uses when not having done his homework and he is not sorry one little bit for it) and they obviously did not count at all. there was no feeling behind it. no empathy. no remorse. just...annoyance? like ugh, this needy bitch demanding that i coddle her again, gross. let me shut her up.
subsequent to the above point, he felt JUSTIFIED in his treatment of me and would never truly feel sorry because of that. he was very performatively moral - this is a guy who goes to a climate rally once every few years and thinks he is the reincarnation of christ striking down capitalism with the radical left because of it. he sees himself as the quintessential Good GuyTM, always TALKS about how good and nice he is, and i came to realize that this identity is rock solid in his eyes---he believes so resolutely in his innate goodness that i know he will never be able to truly introspect and realize that actually, he is capable of harm. we ALL are. we all possess light and dark and it's our responsibility to keep the dark in check, not just try to convince people we are all light. but he cannot and will not conceive of himself as capable of hurting others, so he will continue to do so.
we tried to be friends after breaking up, but he actually continued treating me with the same disdain afterwards. especially with the use of ignoring and talking down to me like i was a fucking child when he didn't like something i said or did, instead of just like. communicating. like an adult. he continued just evading and shutting me down instead of giving me any kind of explanation or closure that i felt i was reasonably due after wasting nearly 3 years of my life and moving to the other side of the country for him.
SO. i actually pulled a rather brilliant manipulation tactic on him towards the end that i don't think he was even cognizant of. he always considered himself rather superior to others and like a chess wizard moving the people in his life around like pawns on a board, which was a huge ick to me lol, but i took a leaf out of his book for once.
i explained to him that in order to be friends, i needed him to really, properly apologize to me, something i was 99.999999% he would never ever do even if he lived to be 1000 years old. if he didn't, we couldn't be friends. this had a 3-fold purpose:
for me, getting an apology is not about my ego. i couldn't care less about being groveled to. it's a test of someone's character. my abusive mother never ONCE apologized for her abuse of our entire family; she hated apologies just as much as he did. apologies demonstrate to me 4 vital traits that i consider to be MUSTS for anyone in my inner circle: maturity, humility, bravery, and integrity. apologies are humbling and hard and they feel like shit especially when you know you are fucking wrong. but truly decent people with backbones know when they are in the wrong, they know the value in making reparations, and they aren't scared to do so. their moral compass exceeds their cowardice.
i was pretty confident that the person he'd revealed himself to be didn't truly posses any of the above 4 traits. but i wasn't sure. i had seen him be so kind and decent on so many occasions that my judgment felt clouded. if he didn't have those traits, then his pride/ego/cowardice would never let him actually apologize, and i would be absolved of having someone like that in my life because he did me a favour and removed himself from it.
BUT on the chance that i was wrong about him and he DID sincerely apologize and make things right, then i would know i had judged him too harshly, or maybe he'd gone to therapy and did some DEEP inner work on himself. this is the only point at which i would be comfortable calling this person a friend.
i consider this brilliant because it ultimately left the decision regarding the nature of our relationship in his hands. friends or strangers? i was so tired of trying to ascertain for myself what kind of person he was and getting mixed signals because of how hot and cold he ran all the time (one of his manipulations). i left it completely in his hands because i was just exhausted. i didn't want the cold, indifferent, aloof version of him in my life. i wanted the soft, kind, vulnerable, brave version that i honestly don't think was ever more than a facade at this point. if it was a facade, then he would never try to make amends. the person i thought i knew would make this right.
i know what you mean. we want to treat others like we want to be treated. all i know is i know my own heart and intention better than anyone. i was also problematic and at times abusive during our relationship. i have PLENTY of my own issues. BUT i never dodged accountability, i apologized sincerely more times than i can count. i FELT deeply terrible. hurting someone i love feels like i'm skinning myself alive, tbh. i went--am still going--to therapy. i know in my heart i genuinely and in good faith did everything i believe was right even when it was hard, even when the shame felt like it would swallow me whole. i sincerely wasn't trying to evade working on my issues like i had in the past. i wanted to do right by this person, and make things right, and this was not reciprocated in the slightest. he was only concerned with himself and what felt good to him, which seemed to include punishing me often.
so no, i don't feel bad, because i gave him every opportunity to self-reflect, go to therapy, and improve things on his end like i was doing on mine. i hung in there way past the point that was healthy for me; i was a pile of shot nerves by the end. but i couldn't carry it for both of us. it was too heavy, and i shouldn't have to. you can give the benefit of the doubt, but when it becomes clear the person is not treating you with equity, respect or good faith, and doesn't ever intend to again, you must believe them.
you cannot suffer indefinitely (or under the illusion that the suffering will be indefinite) for anybody. nobody is perfect, this is what my ex failed to understand. i didn't judge him for being shitty or having trauma or problems. what i couldn't abide was the unwillingness to introspect, take accountability, and grow. that is the only thing that separates "safe" and "unsafe" people to me. the willingness to heal. i have boatloads of trauma myself. but the difference between him and i is that i really want to change in ways that FEEL deeply unsafe and uncomfortable (but are ultimately important) so that i don't hurt people. i know i am capable of being and have been a shitty human and i really don't want to be anymore. i want to do the right thing even when it's hard and doesn't come easily, not just in performative showy ways that don't take much effort.
my ex, who is so entrenched in his copium identity of being someone who is Good and can never do any wrong, just sees me, all of his exes and any friend he's ever lost as The Problem. i remember foolishly believing him, believing that he just had terrrrrrible luck with people! it's easier for him to think this way, because if he was able to actually introspect, think critically about himself and come to terms with the downright dehumanizing ways he has treated others throughout his life, he would feel some icky feelings he doesn't want to feel. he would realize it plays some major part into why he cannot maintain any long-term connections romantic OR platonic, in the loneliness he feels. it's funny because one of his most cherished values is critical thinking; he just prefers to apply it to political analysis (the external) instead of himself (the internal).
to heal, we all have to confront the parts of ourselves we are deeply ashamed of. it feels like ass! and he just isn't ready to do that the way i am. so our paths must diverge, and it was ultimately his decision. my decision was finally enacting a standard for how i will let him--anyone--treat me.
i am sad somtimes, i do miss this person on occasion (or rather, who he led me to believe he was) and i cherish the good memories we had together the best i can. but i know i can no longer withstand neglect, disrespect and cruelty from people close to me anymore. my mind can withstand it more easily than my body can. i feel like i've aged 20 years in this relationship. i feared for my health and had to realize that while i cannot force anyone to change how they treat me, i can remove myself now. i am not a powerless child the way i was with my mother.
it's weird, because i initially started therapy to save my relationship, but therapy is what armed me with the self-love and self-respect to leave it. this irony will never be lost on me.
#anon#ouf this got long but i hope it helps somewhat#the tldr here is to just love yourself lol truly and deeply#when you love yourself you act truly in accordance with your own values and belief systems#and you naturally cannot tolerate people who don't embody them and don't treat you in line with them#is it hard? yes. especially if you still love the person you are cutting off#this is the second time i've had to leave someone in the past that i truly didn't want to but knew i had to for my own wellbeing#and it's like cutting off a limb#at first i felt i might die from the pain#but it's nothing compared to the continued pain i would have suffered#the pain of the indignity of bending over and letting others metaphorically kick you in the ass over and over again#respect + love yourself and the only people you will be able to tolerate are those who respect + love you too#breakups
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Welcome to the Dungeons of Fear and Hunger.
#Fear and Hunger#D'arce Cataliss#Cahara#Ragnvaldr#Enki Ankarian#Unlike Dungeon Meshi - I cannot in good faith recommend this game to a broad audience.#My background with F&H goes as follows: I am hanging out with a friend. He says “hey try this game I've been playing.” I say “Okay!”#I have never heard of this game. I pick the mercenary. I go through 5 min of character history and background. I am mauled to death by dogs#It took me 4 resets to even get in the dungeon. But I finally get there. I am caught by a guard. He cuts off all but one of my limbs#I am forced to crawl around in a blood and corpse pit until the game tells me 'give up idiot'.#I reset. I am mauled by dogs again. I realize this is not for me but I am intrigued enough to go home and watch some playthroughs#And WOW what an interesting game it is! I really do appreciate games that blend their design philosophy with the theme it wants to set#This is a game about fear and hunger. And persevering. And penis (my god is there a lot of penis)#I recommend this to people who like extremely challenging games and can handle the many *content warnings* within this series#If the idea of Bloodborne/eldenring and undertale having a little RPG maker baby sounds appealing to you - give it a shot#It's made by ONE GUY and it's a great horror game. I am just really bad at it.#My friends just enjoy putting me in situations where I scream and yell. We don't talk about the corn mazes. Or the other horror game nights#Apparently I'm funny when I'm Scared!#As people who follow me on twitter might know; I am deep in the pits of this series right now. I will be back with more art.
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Ooh for the micro story- accost!
Master Windu on the whole looks incredibly unimpressed with Obi-Wan's testimony. "You don't have post traumatic stress disorder, Master Kenobi."
"I could," Obi-Wan says placidly, lacing his fingers together behind his back. "Honestly, after three years fighting on the frontlines of a galactic war, I think it's time we look at the mental health of those who surv--"
Master Windu raises a hand to quiet him. It works, if begrudgingly so. "The Jedi Council fully understands and supports those Jedi who are grappling with the aftermath of the war, Master Kenobi. That does not make you one of them."
"I could be," Obi-Wan lies, as he isn't. And he's certain that the entirety of the Jedi Temple knows that. The end of the war has, after all, been an incredible blessing to him in every which way.
"I overheard you telling Master Vos that you've slept like a babe for the past several months," Master Fisto points out.
Yes, Obi-Wan has been sleeping rather well. After all, his padawan has made sure of it. They sleep curled together in bed in varying states of undress most every night. Anakin has singlehandedly ensured that Obi-Wan feels too exhausted for any sort of post-war trauma lately, and he's sure the Council knows that. The council practically endorsed it, after all.
So it's really no one's fault but theirs that they've found themselves in this situation.
"I think we're getting off topic," Obi-Wan says. "A holo reporter accosted my padawan on the streets of Coruscant. Of course I retaliated in the name of protecting him."
Master Windu rubs at his temples. "A holo reporter touched your padawan's elbow--your padawan, who, let us remember is a fully-fledged Jedi Master capable of looking after himself and no longer your padawan at all--and you cut off the reporter's arm."
Obi-Wan blinks back at him. "I don't know what came over me," he says blandly. "It must have been the stress of it all. The war and such. You know."
"Get out," Windu says, looking torn between exhaustion, disgust, and aggravation. "And you'll be sitting down with The Coruscanti Sun's Editorial Team in two day's time as punishment. They want to do a spread."
Obi-Wan goes. The threat would carry more weight if he didn't know that the Council knows that there's no way in all of the galaxy that Anakin Skywalker would allow Obi-Wan to spread for the holo cameras. If Obi-Wan is willing to maim a man for asking after the specs of Anakin's mech arm--ensuring that, well, if he liked it so much then he can wear one of his own now--then there's no telling what Anakin would do to keep his master safe from the eyes of an entire editorial board.
[send me a word from this list for a micro-fic!]
#asks#microfics#obikin#in a post war jedi won anakin didn't fall au#where anakin and obi-wan just get to be the council's biggest headaches on any day ending in y#all in love and stupid about each other#maiming people left and right etc etc#obi-wan kenobi's penchant for cutting off people's limbs strikes again#also the audacity of obiwan being like I COULD have ptsd#meanwhile his hair is perfect his eyes are sparkling he is content in the force and getting laid on the regular#like fuckignnsure Jan
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Seth showcasing how to properly handle an infant mimic
#Silver Lining#Seth Greer (SL)#shmorps art#creature design#character design#I dunno what else to tag#but yeah you're supposed to support the entirety of the worms weight with your arm#Making sure that their sensory limbs don't cut off your circulation by using a leather glove over the arm you're holding it in#kinda like a falconry glove!#also the headphones are there cause the worms let out loud squeaks when they're picked up#Also yeah no Seth is NOT the main character in this story#I just haven't properly designed Max and Joseph yet#or even drew them. which I should do at some point#I've been on an oc kick lately. working on my own stuff#most of which I once again haven't introduced here GDHFKA
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well that sucked
#i mean there's still 3 more episodes to go but i hated like basically every plot point lol#i was expecting to get annoyed by the both sides-ism but i wasn't expecting s2 to. basically ignore the piltover/zaun ideological conflict#in favour of noxus and 13 random subplots and a bunch of characters i do not care about in the slightest#sad! oh well. all who get emotionally invested in league lore deserve the suffering of expecting league lore to be good#beepbeep.txt#arcane spoilers#in terms of the yaoi: i was expecting divorce and instead i got eldritch possession and christ imagery. which is bad.#it's not unique to their characters or the conflict between them. it just feels like they needed a reason to make them fight#and i miss the viktor that's a little deranged and physically cuts off limbs so he can replace them#and instead jayce is deranged for. ambiguous void reasons? being trapped in another dimension for decades? it's not interesting.
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it's so hard to take star wars seriously nowadays because i'll watch someone get skewered by a lightsaber and then somehow walk it off with a bacta patch and a slap on the ass. like you're telling me a weapon that can carve furrows into foot-thick solid durasteel doors, dripping melted slag in its wake, when applied to the flesh of a sentient being leaves behind nothing more than superficial damage. like be so ffr. "it cauterizes the wound instantly" this is not a little cut. this is not minor burns. you were IMPALED BY A BEAM OF PLASMA. your ORGANS have been COOKED. your BLOOD has BOILED. your BONES were INCINERATED. what are you TALKING ABOUTTTTTT
#personal#I CANNOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY#you do not grow up with the OT and the PT watching people get cut down instantly and then just#GESTURES FURIOUSLY AT THE MULTIPLE INSTANCES OF PEOPLE GETTING A LIGHTSABER THROUGH THE GUT#AND JUST WALKING IT OFF!!!!!!!! SOMETIMES RIGHT AFTER THE FACT!!!!!!!!!!!!#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN#WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT#i tried desperately to justify it in the ST movies because rey was established as having like#anakin-levels of force bullshit so why not. i mean anakin couldn't force heal for shit but whatever.#it's not like him having the ability to force heal would've neatly sidestepped the MAIN CONFLICT OF EPISODE 3 OR ANYTHING#STILL MADE MY EYEBROWS RAISE WHEN SHE HEALED KYLO. BUT I TRIED TO LOOK PAST IT. OUT OF GOOD FAITH. MOSTLY DESPERATION.#BUT WHAT! DO! YOU! MEAN!!!!! THAT PEOPLE CAN JUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WALK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! IMPALEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BY LIGHTSABER!!!!!!!!!!#ON THE REGULAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I GUESS QUI GON DYING WAS A FUCKING. SKILL ISSUE????????#????????????????????????#i need to go lie down.#dont talk 2 me about maul coming back in tcw it's an old wound i refuse to examine#''but in legends—'' i put my hand over your mouth so lovingly. No. <3#i love star wars SO MUCH but they need 2 stop impaling people on lightsabers if they dont want them to be dead#LOP OFF A LIMB INSTEAD#okay im done. thank u for letting me yell it's all out of my system now#im back on the ''i love star wars'' train again <33
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I am at the stage of trauma recovery that feels like reattaching previously dead limbs.
#I keep having this mental image of like. A girl who was sliced clean in two vertically#And one half exists independently as an almost-functional half-girl#And the half-girl looks like a complete girl from certain angles. And bloody raw mess from others.#Trying to live life. Frustrated a lot of the time that she can't do the same stuff as other people can#Because she's only half there!#The other half issss not quite dead but also definitely not attached. Dismembered in a box#Ah you know how it is. You're an opinionated and outspoken child in an abusive home. People are going to chop bits off of you.#And some of what I knew as healing was taking bits out of that box and slowly painfully sewing back on like. Chunks of spleen and lung.#But some of it was really just growing a callous over the gooey parts#Which did stop me from bleeding out! But now i'm on limbs and i'm having to cut through the callouses too.#Piecing the two halves of my head together. Great big ugly seam running right down the middle. Holding it while it heals#Once again. hugely recommend Pete Walker Complex PTSD book#Me Fein#I also recommend everyone who ever wronged you saying: i'm so sorry you were right the whole time.#But I understand i'm in a unique situation.#Its like#Really really really good#Trauma
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Listen ao3 hasn’t been down for days we are gonna be okay
#one of my limbs falls off#IM LYING#i just wanna Read a Little hurt/comfort before bed and now I’m experiencing id death#ao3#i can quit whenever#i already have been on ffn and left a comment on a fic there like desperate doesn’t cut it
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[A codex entry reading:
"Elsewhere, around an anatomical sketch:
Reclaimed. Though damaged beyond repair, the Anchor's condition-- used both to mend and destroy-- is fascinating. A detailed study will consume what remains. But it may also yield the final elements that have eluded me."]
Solas stole my fucking hand
#squirrel plays datv#datv spoilers#dragon age: the veilguard#what the fuck man!!!!!!!#since Solas leaves while the arm is still attached i can only assume that#either there was a swift battlefield amputation; like i had assumed (otherwise the limb would have been studied#or disposed of properly)#and Solas or his agents returned afterwards to where he left the Inquisitor and retrieved the discarded hand#OR it was medics who amputated the Inquisitor's hand in Halamshiral#and it was Solas' agents in the Inquisition who stole it on his instruction#which; probably a really creepy order to get if he was romanced#“bring me my ex-girlfriend's cut-off hand” is. well. certainly a request ser dread wolf#not sure i want to ask why you want that but okay
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u guys are crazy for saying someone deserves to be made disabled because they were mean I just want to express that. ty.
#ofmd#our flag means death#izzy hands#like if that's how you think people should be punished just for being unpleasant#holy shit that is terrifying on your part?#I honestly can't think of a scenario where I'd WANT someone I hate to have their leg cut off#and I am thinking about people who abused me :|#still dont want their legs cut off why the fuck would I want that whats wrong with yooooooooou#glad this is a minority of fandom but still very worried for those of you who think that's appropriate punishment for like#ANYTHING really#even actual criminals and murderers we do not randomly start chopping off their limbs
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do you ever just feel the depression fog settling in and suddenly feel like all your words, spoken and written, just aren’t making sense? like oh i’m just spewing nonstop nonsense aren’t i.
#it feels like someone’s cut off a fucking limb when i’m writing and suddenly stare at the screen and just#it’s not what i want it’s not coming out right and it almost feels as though ive completely disassociated#but if im not writing i feel entirely useless?#idk#ignore me#is there a way to disappear into the void until this brain fog figures itself out so no one else has to deal with it lmao#wanting to write and being entirely unable to leaves me feeling very very hollow inside#ghost talks too much
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Sometimes I remember that my whole house was so obsessed with the show Merlin, that we named the first tree we planted in the yard Merlin.
When it was given to us 11 years ago it was hardly a scraggly stick, and now it looks like a giant bush
Artist rendition
#this is the first year it has like!! actual bark!!!#only the middle/ main trunk#I’m so emotional over this tree you guys don’t even know#he won’t stop growing branches on the bottom#so he just looks like a huge bush when leafed out#then another tree we planted the same year looks like a Maple Tree TM#I love all the trees in my yard#every day when it’s warm enough I tell them all they’re doing a great jobs#and one who burnt during a really hot summer didn’t grow for YEARS#but we didn’t give up on it#no sir#we cut off the burnt limb#we kept telling it that it was doing great#and last year!!! it finally started growing new twigs!!#it grew more than like 5 leaves!!!#and this year so far there’s already a LOT of growth!!!!!!#and one tree I got from a childhood best friend like 5 years ago has absolutely taken off#like holy hell#the tree was a sapling from the tree from her backyard#it was my favourite tree growing up#it’s were we were kids together#guys no you don’t get it#we slowly fell out of friendship and then years later she texted me#‘hey you know that one tree you used to love? do you want a sapling from jt otherwise my mom is throwing it in compost.’#‘she thinks you don’t care about this tree anymore but I know you do’#*sobs*#Spoofy tambles
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RAGGHHHHH HAPPY HALLOWEEN RAHHHHH
#alex williams doai#mortimer gray doai#doai clyde#doai lankmann#doai kenneth#doai winfrey#doai#i would post this at midnight to make it accurate for my timezone but whatever#HAPPY HALLOWEEN FOLKS#as i said on the 3rd one im so sorry for disgracing lankmann by drawing him as J*mmy but whatever#the blackouts on kenneth are supposed to be covers for the limbs since . im not cutting off his limbs for a halloween costume#normalize making lankmann herbert version like spamton sometimes because i dont want to draw him scary
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I think it's often forgotten that Sukuna had intentions on killing Megumi before deciding to possess his body but even still he technically still tried to kill his spirit by trauma.
#like he didn't give grits about that kid#just what he can do#this is sukuna we're talking about#the only person he probably never had intentions killing is uraume#can we talk about how once he possessed megumi that's when it went down for him?#it feels he just faced absolute misfortune and had to take extra steps just to possess a body#been beaten burned limbs cut off punched jumped...#megumi deserves some compensation for everything he's gone through#just kiya's thoughts#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#fushiguro megumi#megumi fushiguro#sukuna#ryomen sukuna
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DESPACITO DANCE OFF..... anon you were right
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day 1 of no social media to avoid spoilers… already feeling withdrawal….. idk how much longer i can last……..
#technically i already know one spdoiler bc i asked#but otherwise im going in blind#im going insane w no so ial media tho#feels like my limbs to my social life have been cut off#feel free to dm or send in (spoiler free) asks ab anything to stave off my insanity#dan and phil#dnp#phil lester#phan#dan howell#amazingphil#daniel howell#dapg#tit tour#dnptit
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