#and it's like 'yes. because it's below the tonsils but above the chest.'

[ladyjmontilyet]

the doctor used his phone torch to look down my throat today

idk what i was expecting

but it wasn't that

[hansoulo]

how will I know; walk slow

Pairing: Din Djarin/Reader (gender neutral, no Y/N)

Word Count: a humble 1.4k

Warnings: cursing, light angst, a kiss (sorta), spoilers for chapter 15 of the mandalorian

Gif Credit: (x) by @/bestintheparsec

A/N: hello bros and hoes it is me and i am back with another oneshot this time set right after chapter 15 with a title from this song by james blake

You bounded down the hangar ladder and stood toe-to-toe, heart stuck in your mouth and lodging up in your tonsils until the word came out thick and without eloquence. “Hi.”

“I’m sorry,” the Mandalorian offered. He didn’t really have anything to be sorry for. Sometimes the guy was just polite to a fault.

“It’s alright.” The words left your chest hushed, conscious of the footsteps up and around you that echoed tinny on the walls of Slave 1. Soft assurances. Gentle platitudes. “You’re here now, yeah?”

Mayfeld was “dead” doing Maker knows what. Fennec and Cara were both off in the ship somewhere, probably polishing blasters and trading war secrets with each other as intimidating Outer Rim women tended to do. That or in the communications monitor room below deck, doing far more risque things. Boba was piloting and making sure none of you died. And the Mandalorian was here. Standing in the cold metal cargo hold. In front of you.

His chest, in beskar now, not that shoddy Imperial shit, shook with a sigh. “Yeah,” the helmet rasped. It sounded like he was speaking more to himself. “Yeah.”

Why do you do that?

   Do what?

You’re very… monosyllabic. It’s unsettling.

   Unsettling.

You know you’re just continuing to prove my point, right?

   Mhm.

Maker, you’re infuriating.

   Yes, I am.

Hey that was three words! Progress.

Your throat tightened with a swallow when you realized you still stood only inches apart from him. Feet shuffled backwards in the small hangar until he was left at a larger, more friend-appropriate distance. “That’s good. I’m… I’m glad.”

The air in the ship was thick, with relief and with another heavy thing. Regret, maybe? But what did he have to regret?

“Mando,” you called out as he turned to step up the ladder. Names were sacred things. You didn’t want to use his here. To dirty it by sharing. “Hey,” your hand met the cold metal of his pauldron, urging him to face you again. He was still. Always so still. “Did something happen?”

   I’m fine.

You’re hurt.

   It’s nothing serious.

Let me help. 

   I’ll take care of it.

Or let the kid help. Somebody.

   I said I’ll take care of it.

Let me take care of you. Please. 

His words came almost too quick. He was like that when he tried to convince you of things. “No. No, we… we got the coordinates. Everything went-”

“According to plan,” you finished for him, though your brows were still furrowed.

What’s the plan?

   We get the kid back.

So… what you’re saying is that there is no plan.

   There is a plan.

What’re you gonna do?

   Whatever it takes.

You’re so dramatic.

“Mayfeld wouldn’t tell me anything about what happened before he fucked off, though, which is weird because usually he never shuts up and I just...” you sighed, wiping a hand across your face and letting it drop unceremoniously beside your hip. “Are you sure you’re alright? You look,” and here your voice paused, waiting for the words to fill themselves in. “Rattled.”

You look like shit.

   Thanks.

Welcome. You good?

   You just said I look like shit.

Well yeah, but I’m trying to redeem myself. Throw me a bone.

   Then yeah, I’m good.

You’re a horrible liar.

   Hey, you asked.

Yeah, I guess so. Take it easy for a bit? Can’t have you falling asleep piloting.

   Glad to know your only concern is for your transportation.

Don’t forget the paycheck.

   That too.

Seriously, though. Go get some sleep. I’ll be here.

There was a pregnant pause, only filled in by your quiet expectance and the sounds of beskar shifting on fabric. He moved his weight from one foot to the other. Looked down, then up.

And then, before you could go to actually leave, not wanting to pry a thing open that the man wanted to keep shut and done with having to reach the words out of his mouth, you were picked up and turned around. Like a sack of ration flour. 

In literally any other circumstance this would’ve made you seethe but Din’s hands, although surprising, weren’t unwelcome. The furthest thing from it, actually.

There were two warm palms on your sides and your feet stumbled on top of each other until they both left the floor again, suspended above the metal sheeting as you were lifted up and crushingly close to a man that smelled like blood and sweat and someone else’s clothes but who still held you until your ribs cried out for breathing. 

You were set down after a moment, but not let go. Silent words seemed to fracture in the way his fingers dug into the skin of your hip, almost bruising in their insistence. He couldn’t tell you what happened, but something obviously did. Something ugly and beating loud in the two-inch gap between your chests and really, really bad.

There were only about two things in the galaxy that he was afraid of. Losing the kid was one of them. Breaking his Creed was the other.

So what’s with the helmet?

   What about it?

You can never take it off?

   No.

Like, never? In front of anyone?

   Not unless it’s family.

And what happens if you do? Take it off in front of someone else, I mean.

   You can’t ever put it back on.

Oh, right. Sorry.

   It’s okay.

No, it’s not. I- I shouldn’t have asked. I dunno. It just seems…

   Bad. 

No, not bad! Not if it’s something you believe. Just… different. 

And suddenly you knew why he was holding you the way he was.

The words were hitched, almost keening as your arms wound around his neck, over the thick fabric of his cape until his hands reached around the lower slope of your back to steady your ground. You could feel the indentations of his metal vambraces against your skin. You couldn’t have cared less about it. “I’m sorry,” you whispered. He only let out a breath, the sound so rattled and tremulous you could almost taste the salt dew gathering in his eyes. Eyes that someone else saw.

The muscles of his arms grew firmer around you still and your body sagged, heavy in its aching realizations. “I’m so sorry,” you repeated.

To someone else more ambitious this would probably be a good time to do… a gesture. Of the sentimental variety. Neither of you lacked courage in the traditional definition, but this kind of stuff was messy. Uncharted. 

“Din,” you whispered. His helmet shot up at the monosyllable, nearly knocking you in the chin and you stumbled backwards, shaking off his apologies. So the charting of said uncharted stuff was going swell. “I,” you began, your eyes shifting around the walls and floor instead of meeting his visor. “I care about you. A lot. I hope you know that.”

There was a loud whirring overhead when the ship lurched forward, righting itself with an awkward turn and giving you a good excuse as to why you suddenly felt nauseous. Maybe you overstepped or he didn’t hear you because he hit his head? Holy shit, did he get a concussion? Was that why he was-

“I know.”

Oh.

So no concussion.

You only realized you’d been biting the bottom edge of your lip when a gloved thumb came up towards it, pressing against the soft flesh and pulling it gently out from between your teeth. A breath choked in the bottom of both your lungs. And you waited.

You couldn’t kiss him.

At least, not now. Not here. Not yet.

You were both thinking about it.

So you did something decidedly ambitious. You leaned forward and pressed your mouth to the crest of his helmet.

It wasn’t a kiss, not really. But he still tilted his helmet up to meet it with two broad hands and you still left a smudge of mouthmark where your lips were damp and tender and so somehow this imitation kiss, this substitute in between a moment that was over and a moment that was coming, was real. 

Your bounty hunter echoed his reciprocation after you’d turned away, the rungs of the ship ladder icy in your palms. You always did like to one-up each other.

“I love you.”

[fawnnandfable]

All I Ask - Adam Cole

A/N: Ask me about my prompt list! My request are always open

Word Count: 1,865 Warnings: Smut

"Are you sure about this?" Adam asked as he stood there in front of you for what could very well be the last time.  The two of you were in what used to be your home. Now you were surrounded by boxes filled with your things. Things you've collected throughout your 6-year relationship. You didn't break up with Adam because he cheated, there was no neglect, there wasn't anything bad. Everything was fine, your relationship ended on a good note. Breaking up was best for both of you. Sometimes people change and the spark is no longer there. Adam didn't have to say anything. You could tell for a  while that he wasn't feeling it anymore, and that's okay. You would always love Adam, he will forever have a place in your heart but as you stand here in front of him with tears in your eyes and love in your heart you ask him for one last thing.

"Yes, I am."  You nodded taking his hand in yours. You wanted one last night with Adam. One more memory.  You didn't want what could be the last moment you shared to be sad, you wanted something to remember. 6 years is a long time to love somebody...What if you never love again? What if you never find someone that makes you feel the way Adam did. You took a step closer to him, he had a faint smile on his face as he examined your features. "What?"  You brows knitted together as leaned back.

"Just looking." Adam quickly turned around walking over towards the radio, he flipped through multiple C.D.'s before he found the one he was searching for. He popped the lid placing the disc inside and hitting play. Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers began to play. "Dance with me." Adam requested as he made his way back to you, pulling you close holding one hand as the other found it's way to your hip. Your smile grew wide as he wiggled his eyebrows at you.

"You're gonna make this hard, Mr. Cole."  You playfully groaned as you began to sway in place.

"Do you remember when we danced to this song on our first date? I'll never forget how gorgeous you looked in that damn dress."  Adam remembered. You rested your head on his shoulder as he held you close.

"You spilled wine on that dress" You giggled remembering how it all went down. He had taken you out dancing to a little bar in the middle of nowhere, he asked you to dance and the song began to play as you danced the night away. Though it was your first date, the song that played and the way Adam made you feel you could've sworn you'd been in love for years. After the song ended you went back to your table and ordered something to eat. Adam, being the clutz he was, knocked his red wine down the front of your white dress. You couldn't blame him, you were the dumbass who wore white on a date. He ended up taking you back to his place giving you some of his clothes to wear as you spent the night trying to rid the dress of its a stain.

"I am still so sorry about that by the way." Adam laughed, you could feel his chest vibrate under your head. You tried your best to fight back tears. This was going to be one of the hardest goodbyes, but you needed to. For you. You looked up at Adam only to see him looking back at you. Without thinking you leaned up placing a kiss on his semi-soft lips. Your eyes remained shut for a few extra seconds after you pulled away when you finally opened them Adam's hand cupped your cheek bringing you in for another. Softly, you kissed, innocently at first. Moving from closed mouth to slightly open to open, Adam got better, more confident, with each press of lips. Slowly, you moved to tentative tongue kisses to full on tonsil hockey. The passion, like a fever, began to rise. Softly, you put one of your hands on the back of his neck, holding him tight. Adam held you close with the other hand around your back. You slowly trailed your fingertips up and down his neck. You could feel the fever rising too. Your hand began to explore over his back as you continue kissing. Finally, after a few long minutes, He began to move his kisses. Slowly at first, his lips brushed the corner of your lips. Then, your cheek was next. Then he kissed below your ear. He went straight to the top of your neck, then slid to the middle. You sighed loudly. That's the spot, you silently thought. Adam's kisses turned to little nibbles then to soft biting. "Jump," Adam commanded, you did as told jumping up wrapping your legs around his torso and your arms around his neck. Adam half carried you across the room to press you against a wall. His hands were on your hips. He did nothing else but stare at you. Not saying a word. He stared at your face, hoping to remember it when you left, all your features. He stared the longest at your lips, crushed from the kiss. Finally, he looked you in the eyes.

"Adam..." you sighed but before his name was fully out of your lips, he crushed them to his. He lifted your hips towards him. Instinctively, you wrapped your legs around him. Without breaking the kiss, he pressed his crotch into you. He had to make you feel how hard you made him. Adam had to make you feel how he felt.  Once you started to grind against him, he moved one hand over to your breast, squeezing it hard through your shirt, through your bra. His other hand searched for one of yours and pinned it above you. You laced her fingers through it. Your other hand was on his nape again. It sent electric shocks through his body.  Adam broke the kiss to nibble on your ear. He knew it made you weak you couldn't help but moan, arching towards him, almost setting the both of you off balance. Adam's legs were burning, without breaking the kiss, he made his way to the bedroom. Your hands undressed him, popping each button, and helping him take his shirt off. His hands were equally busy. They undid the fly on your shorts, dropping them together with your panties. He carried you to the bedroom, sitting you on the foot of the bed. Adam was naked from the waist up and you naked from the waist down. You pulled your top over your head, now, you only had your bra on. Adam was still wearing his pants. He had kicked off his shoes on the way to the bedroom. Sliding your fingers through his belt loops you pulled him into you, his hands snaked around to your back to undo the clasps of your bra. You slid it down your arms and tossed it to the floor. This is exactly what you wanted, to spend your last night with Adam doing what lovers do.

You had undone his belt and zipper and when your hand wrapped around his hard cock, he gave a loud gasp. When you started stroking it, he did not hide his moans. His cock was weeping precum and it lubricated your hand job. Stepping out of his pants, Adam lowered them to sit on the bed. You kept her hand moving on his cock, you moved to go down on your knees, but Adam stopped you.

"No," he said his pointer finger and thumb grabbed your face bringing it his placing a rough kiss to your mouth. You moaned into the kiss digging your nails into his shoulders. You straddled his hips, your bare chest pressed against his as your tongues explored each other's mouths. Adam bit your bottom lip before aligning himself with your entrance. Your wetness provided the lubricate as you lowered yourself onto his cock.  A soft moan left your lips as you started rotating your hips, driving Adam absolutely wild. Adam's hands grasped your ass as he lifted you only to slam you down onto the mattress. He started making long slow strokes. With each one he felt like the flesh of his cock was being stripped off. He was hard and you were so wet. He slipped in and out of you so easily. It was glorious. You writhed underneath him, lost in a world of your own as he pumped steadily into you. When he changed the angle a bit so that his crotch hit your clit with every thrust, you went mad.  Adam gritted his teeth so he didn't explode right then. He knew this was going to be a short one, but he was damned if he didn't try to make it last as long as possible.

Adam was pumping a fraction faster as you came down. Through the haze, your gaze locked with his as you raised your head to kiss him. The kiss was frantic and soon Adam's thrusts mirrored it. He was losing his rhythm and was pumping erratically, moaning loudly. A light sheen of sweat was over him. With a few more frantic pumps, Adam started to pant loudly. His hands were now on your hips, he would climb into you if he could. With each hard thrust, he ground into your clit and unbelievably, You found yourself reaching your orgasm. A wave of pleasure washed over you, you screamed his name as your pussy shuddered around him. That was it for Adam. With a hard thrust and a loud grunt, he emptied into you. He kept thrusting as more of his cum shot out. He was aware of nothing else aside from the feel of your pussy around him.  A few minutes, or an eternity later, Adam came to. He was still inside you, and his head was nestled on the crook of your neck. You caressed his back as you both tried to catch your breaths. Adam rolled off of you, feeling slight pleasure as he slipped out.

His breathing evened out, he opened his mouth to speak but you stopped him. "Shh." You hushed as you rolled over onto what used to be your side of the bed. "Just hold me."  Adam did has you asked and wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you close.

-

You woke up before Adam and quietly moved your boxes from to the house to your car. You wanted to be gone before he woke up so you wouldn't have to say anything. Last night as what you needed, you didn't want a goodbye full of tears and sadness, you wanted something that you were going to remember for a very long time. You put the last box in your car, coming back inside you wrote a note to Adam and left it on the counter along with your key. You took one last look around before shutting and locking the door behind you...

-

@southsidebucky

[sayreambrosio]

A bit of an update

Hello you amazing readers!

I wanted to stop in and give a bit of an update about how 2021 is going so far, what’s coming, and a few other bits and bobbles.

First, let me get the comments about 2021 out of the way right quick.

2020 was a shit show. Plain and simple. A dumpster fire, a Karen, a shitty ex. You get the picture. I set my sights on 2021 thinking that it would be like a breath of fresh air, a new start, a path back to normalcy. Well……. not so much. I know I’m not the only one out there looking at 2021 and going, WTF?! It’s like it looked at 2020 and said, “Oh yeah! Hold my beer!” The entire world has lost their freaking mind. The US in particular.

Two, a health update.

Okay, where do I start? I realize that many of my readers have never interacted with me in person and that some will care and some won’t, but I wanted to put this out there so people knew what was going on. Now, I have multiple medical issues that I’m not going to go into in this post. However, I am open to speaking about them so if you are every curious just comment on the post or shoot me an email via the contact page. That really goes for anything I ever put out in the world really. The condition I’m posting about today is called Chiari Malformation, of which I have Type I.

What is Chiari Malformation and how did you find out you had it?

To put it simply, CM is when your skull is too small for your brain and it starts to herniate into your spinal column, general the cerebral tonsils, but it can be more than that. Essentially, my brain is too big for the skull and it’s squeezing out into the spinal column like those stupid toys you get where you squeeze their head and the slimy crap pops out the bottom or the eyes. (I totally should have gone to medical school, right?!)

Here is the clinical definition and a picture (because pictures are always good).

Chiari malformations are structural defects in the base of the skull and cerebellum, the part of the brain that controls balance.  Normally the cerebellum and parts of the brain stem sit above an opening in the skull that allows the spinal cord to pass through it (called the foramen magnum).  When part of the cerebellum extends below the foramen magnum and into the upper spinal canal, it is called a Chiari malformation (CM). 

Chiari malformations may develop when part of the skull is smaller than normal or misshapen, which forces the cerebellum to be pushed down into the foramen magnum and spinal canal.  This causes pressure on the cerebellum and brain stem that may affect functions controlled by these areas and block the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF)—the clear liquid that surrounds and cushions the brain and spinal cord.  The CSF also circulates nutrients and chemicals filtered from the blood and removes waste products from the brain.

Source article is here.

Two years ago I just wasn’t feeling right. Hubs finally talked me into going to see a neurologist (as I have a history of epilepsy). We were worried that the symptoms were pointing to MS and wanted to get me checked out. I was sent for an MRI to see what was going on. Well….. it wasn’t MS which is a good thing. However, I was informed that I had Chiari and some sort of “artifact” on my parietal lobe. I still don’t know what the artifact is or why it’s there, but hey, one thing at a time. Right? To be quite honest in the two years since the diagnosis, I have done a lot of research and boy does it explain a lot of shit going way, way back to like the age of 2. Seriously, so much makes sense now.

What are the symptoms of Chiari?

THERE ARE A LOT!!! There really are too many to name here, so I’m going to just list the different issue categories if you will and I'll add a link to a document that you can download if you are interested in reading it.

Pain

Equilibrium/Balance Problems

Cardio-Respiratory Problems

Cognitive Problems

Eye/Vision Problems

Ear/Hearing Problems

Sensory Problems (touch, taste, smell)

Problems with Voice/Speech

Problems with Extremities

Mid-Chest Problems

Other Physical Problems

If you would like to see specifics on the categories above you can download the original PDF document HERE.

Okay, I get it…. there’s lots of shit involved, but what’s your update already?

Geeze, okay, okay. I’m getting there.

I shared all that to tell you this. Due to an increase in symptoms in the last six months or so and an MRI that showed a worsening of the issue, I have been referred for what’s called a Cine MRI (it shows what your CSF (cerebral spinal fluid) is doing and if there are any issues. Apparently the ventricles that shuttle the CSF around my brain are narrower than normal and the ones on the left side are fucked up basically. I also have a referral to a top notice neurosurgery practice here in my state and will be seeing them to discuss the findings of the Cine MRI. There is a real possibility that during that conversation we will be discussing decompression surgery, which plainly put is brain surgery where they cut a hole in my skull, possibly remove vertebrae from my spine, all to make room for my big ass brain and to hopefully relieve some of my symptoms. Yes, I said hopefully. The kicker to all this is that freaking brain surgery is a treatment and not a cure. It could make it worse and it could make it better. Nobody really knows until we are at that point.

So… that’s where we’re at. See! I told you 2021 said, “hold my beer”.

Okay, now that the sobby, depressing part is over, let’s talk about books and shit.

[patriotic-american-dude-blog]

My next memory was going to visit my father at his apartment, somewhere in Los Angeles. I’m told this is shortly before he moved up north; like around October-ish of 1968. He shot himself in the chest, three times. Yes, you read that correctly. At the time, I was told that it was an ‘accident’ as he was cleaning his .22 caliber rifle. But, by the time I was a young adult, who had learned a little something about .22 rifles, I knew it wasn’t an accident. Anyhow, he had just been released from the hospital, when we went to visit him. There he was laying on the couch, of this tiny first floor apartment, when we came in. Much of the memory is hazy, except this; he asked me if I wanted to see where the doctors sewed him up. I answered affirmatively. He opened his button up shirt and there were 3 buttons stitched to his chest, lined up vertically, about 3 inches apart. Large buttons, like those on an a men’s overcoat; marbled brown. In seeing my eyes fixate on the buttons, he said, “The buttons are in case the doctor needs to get back in me. He can just unbutton me and look right in.”  Yep, I remember that so well. That’s my dad’s humor; used to distract people from the things he’d rather not discuss. Hmmm...I wonder if this is from whom I got that habit myself?

My father moved to Redding, California, a short time later. My brother and I lived with our mom, in a large, 3 story apartment complex. We had a spanish speaking ‘maid’ that would look after us, while our mom was at work. I remember a Halloween or two when we lived there, so it was probably 1968-69. I say “or two,” because I remember my brother and myself in costumes, when we came across our friends, twin sisters our age, each in a leg of their father’s pants, with their heads sticking out of a single neck hole of one of his shirts. They were so cute and I loved the costume. I remember laughing so much, when we came upon them; they could barely walk in it. However, I also remember a Halloween haunted house, next to the apartment’s pool. But, my brother was not with my mom and I for that Halloween. I’m guessing I lived there for those two Halloweens and my brother had moved up to Redding to live with our dad sometime in between. I really don’t know for certain and there is no one for me to ask. I remember a number of things about that apartment complex and my time living there.

I also remember my mom working at a high-rise in downtown L.A. as well, at this time period in my life. I remember being dropped off by a yellow bus, I think some sort of daycare or nursery school thing, and then walking to the Bank of America building, where I think my mom worked on the 14th floor. I seem to remember being told it was the tallest building in Los Angeles at the time. I’m not saying that this is in fact, factual. I’m just saying I remember being told that at some point, by someone. My brother used to make that walk as well, but I don’t remember us ever doing it at the same time. I have no explanation for that. Maybe we were being shuffled back and forth between our parents at the time. Me here, him there, then switch, kind of a thing. I really don’t remember why it was that we never made that walk at the same time. I do remember a really pretty park, down below a walkway. It was mostly concrete and planter boxes, with water features; a small fountain and what l remember as streams between several very small ponds. Now that I’m typing this, while picturing it in my head, I’m thinking maybe it was some sort of downtown, 'Japanese’ style garden with Koi ponds. I guess the reason I’m sharing this is 1) it’s a pretty early memory in my childhood, and 2) I was about 3 years old at the time. I just want you to think about that. I was about 3 years old and I would walk from a some corner where I was dropped off by a yellow bus, through the downtown area of Los Angeles, to the Bank of America building, where I would enter the elevator and go up to the 14th floor, where my mom’s office was located, ALONE! Yep. I remember having to always ask someone to push the button for the 14th floor, because I couldn’t reach it. (Now, I say 14th floor, but it could have been the 12th floor or 16th floor. I just don’t remember which specific floor it was. But, I know it was above the 10th floor, for a VERY specific reason.). My mom denies that I any of that ever happened. But, I know it did. I can prove it with this story, one she can never explain away or deny, because my brother remembers this happening. He doesn’t remember it in any detail, but he remembers that it happened. My brother, during one of HIS treks from that corner to our mom’s office, decided he wanted to know the BIG RED BUTTON in the elevator did, while he was on the way up to the 14th floor (or possibly the 16th floor) one day. So, he JUMPED UP and pushed in that BIG RED BUTTON!!! Of course, this brought the elevator to a complete halt and bells started blaring loudly, “Blaaang, blaaaang, blaaaang!!!” pause, then "Blaaang, blaaang, blaaang.” My brother realized he had made a mistake and decided he needed to pull out the BIG RED BUTTON. There was a little problem though; he couldn’t reach it. He had had to JUMP to push it in and now it was out of his reach. He said he would jump and try to grab it, but could not. He tried to climb the wall with his fingers, so hard, his fingers eventually began to bleed, from wear. He cried and he sobbed for several hours. Now, the fire department had responded, but did not know what the problem was with the elevator, nor could they get it to budge by its controls. For some reason, unkown to them, it was stuck directly between the 9th and 10th floors. See, that’s how I know my mom’s office was above the tenth floor, because she had to come down the stairs from ABOVE the 10th floor to meet the firemen, who were ‘rescuing’ my brother from that mean, evil elevator. They tried calling the emergency phone, but my brother never answered. He was about 4 years old at the time and had no idea what the ringing was, nor that there was a phone behind the silver panel. He just kept screaming for help, in between sobs, while trying to climb the wall, with his bloody fingertips, to pull out the BIG RED BUTTON. Eventually, the firemen pried open the doors above and below the elevator. They used long poles of some sort and forced the elevator down enough to open the doors and remove my brother from the elevator car. Crazy story; I know. But, I remember it well. Just as I can still picture that little park I would walk above as well. I know; 3 years old and walking the streets of L.A. alone. It was definitely a different time in America.

I have another memory from this time in my life. I’m pretty sure it was before the elevator incident, because I think I was about two and a half at the time. So, this is a bit out of order. Anyhoot, I was born with very, very poor hearing. No one knew this, not even me. Apparently, I would frustrate our maid (remember I mentioned her already) and even my mom at times, by constantly turning up the TV really loud. They’d come turn it down and, apparently, I would just go over and turn it right back up, as soon as they left the room that is. I remember being hollered at, being told, “Leave that alone! It’s too loud!!” but, in spanish mostly. Didn’t I mention our maid only spoke Spanish? Well, I meant to do so. Well, complaining about this to my doctor at some point, he decided to send me for a hearing test. Yep, there was a problem. I was born with “crushed” Eustachian tubes. Or, so my memory tells me so. Those are the tubes that drain the inner ear to the throat. You know, clamp your nose and blow out through it to equalize the pressure of your ear drums? Well, that’s through the Eustachian tubes. Mine didn’t work. This explains the chronic ear infections since birth. Wait, I don’t think I mentioned that yet. Yes, I had one, long, non-stop, ear infection (in both ears) from birth until about the age of two and one half. This explain the near total deafness, but not my ability to understand what people were talking about around me. That’s the weird part to me. I remember words, phrases, people talking. But, I almost completely deaf. I have often pondered whether my memory created the words for which the situation seemed to call. But, I remember my dad saying to my brother, “Be careful climbing down, the tailpipe is hot.” And, my brother’s response, “I know.” It’s confusing to me too. Your not alone, if you feel confused about that as well. Remember, I told you I was going to share my life story, as best as I could remember. I didn’t write that I could explain everything in a crystal clear, no doubting me, kind of manner. Shoot, right now, my thoughts are, “Is all but we see or seem, but a dream within a dream.” By Edgar Allen Poe. I do wonder where our memories end and our dreams and imagination begin.

I any case, my hearing issue. I ended up in the hospital for surgery. I had my tonsils and adenoid glands removed, which was pretty common back then. They also put the standard ‘tubes’ through my ear drums and then did something to open up my Eustachian tubes. I remember it being explained to me as some sort of very small, clear plastic tubing being pushed through to hold the Eustachian tube open while it grew around the implanted tube. But, again, I was only about 30 months old, so who knows what it was. Here’s the part I remember most. I woke up in a crib!! A fucking crib? Are you kidding me? I’m not a baby. Get me out of this fucking crib!!! I remember screaming at the top of my lungs, “Get me outta this crib!!!” Repeatedly, LOUDLY!! “GET ME OUTTA THIS CRIB! I’M NOT A BABY!!” After screaming this over and over again, a nurse came in and told me to calm down and stop screaming. I told her to get me a real bed and that I’m no baby. She insisted I had to stay in a crib. She just didn’t understand the amount of tenacity I had at that age. Nope. Calm down my ass. This is a fucking crib for a fucking baby. “I AM NOT A BABY!! GET ME OUTTA THIS CRIB!!” I screamed. Again and again. After a few minutes, or a half hour (I was 30 months old. It’s not like I could tell time or even count), a doctor came in and asked what the “Commotion” was all about. I clearly explained to him that I was NOT a baby and would not be held captive in a crib, MADE FOR A BABY! He instantly understood and instructed the nurse to get me a regular hospital bed. She began to object, but he interrupted her and said, “Get him a regular bed. He’s clearly NOT a baby.” YES! Victory. A doctor acknowledged it. I am NOT a baby. She got me the bed and removed the crib from my room. She helped me up on the bed and put up the side rail, at which time I began to cry, “No, I’m not a baby. That makes it look like a crib.” Wah! I know, what a baby I was being about not being a baby. I can see the irony of it all now.

This sort of fixed my near total deafness, but I’ve always had a struggle with my hearing and ear infections, even after this surgery. But, what can I do? Spilled milk, or something like that, right?

Well, that’s it for my second installment. Hopefully, I will return tomorrow to share some more with you.

Best wishes and I hope your evening is easy to enjoy!

Eric