#and it's kinda sad honestly that so many ppl fell into that “he's the light of her life” trap. it aint real babe.

[lansangprincess]

i initially didn't want to talk about this scene bc personally i think it's been blown out of proportion but if you want to get real and talk about symbolism, I'll come to play.

For Belly's entire life, Conrad has been "the sun". She idealized him so much that all she could see was him and no one else could compare, leaving Jere in the shadows despite always being there for her (and literally being nicknamed "the sunshine boy")

So many people have tied this shot to that quote "For Belly, Conrad was the sun" and have understood the light here to be the sunlight radiating on Belly and Conrad. But the thing is—despite so many people's misinterpretations of the shot—it (he) is not the sun.

It's artificial lighting. It's not real.

He isn't the person she built him up to be no matter how many times she had convinced herself he was. She just didn't realize it immediately.

When Belly wakes up (that in itself could also be a metaphor), and she is able to think clearly and decide for herself what she wants and what she needs, she chooses Jeremiah. And what exactly happens when she does?

The sun shines on both of them. There is real sunlight bathing the shot because she doesn't idealize him and he doesn't idealize her, they see each other for who they really are and love each other anyway and that's what's real.

it's so important to me that it comes across that the sun shines on both of them. she didn't find a new sun, she didn't choose a different person to revolve her whole life around—she wanted the sun to shine down on her as much as it did her partner bc ultimately, she is now also choosing herself and what makes her truly happy.

[btsandvmin]

Collection of asks 2 - BTSandVMIN

I had to make a second one because the length of the first one was getting way too long. If you are curious about some of my older asks here is the link to my first collection post - Collection of asks - BTSandVMIN

I have this post because I feel some of the asks I answer are worth saving, for me personally, and perhaps for you as well. But I don’t want to put them all in my Masterpost where I want to keep it a bit more structured for my longer posts and analysis. So for asks that are more about answering specific questions or about general things or my feelings I will put them here.

Asks are written more in the moment than my usual posts, so they might be less accurate as it’s all mostly from the top of my head. The newest ones will actually be on top, and then they will get older going down the list. I’ll update it regularly as I answer more asks. :)

Look at jhope's interaction with maknae line

Sorry for spamming with asks

You're so right about how any ship can be possible if you focus on it

I reject any idea of a couple being pushed to protect another 

What do you think of vmin’s busan forehead kiss?

About tae changing the choreo of fake love

What do you think of that famous ji/kook trip together ?

"Friends" doesn't speak about a friendship to me and the title seems like a way to "hide" the true meaning. Thoughts?

I honestly do feel his "best" friend is only ever needed when it's convenient to him

When j/k wore matching shirts asked them something like are u guys dating Its so differnt from his rn to vmin

Looking at th and jm for what they are or represented to be their bond shouldn't be taken at face value. Just reminding that jealousy amongst bandmates do exist

Jimin kissed tae on the pretext of kissing tanny. tae blanked out for a few secs after that

Jin in Jimins Festa profile this yr called Tae his "Bf" and then the next word is "best friend"

I dont think vmin or any other ship in bts for that matter are in any form of relationship right now.

Kind of agree with vmin not spending much time together outside of work & things they do/say barely even give off that "possibly a couple" vibe in general

IF feelings are involved, who do you think fell first and why? 

You already said that you ship them, but do you think that they're real?

I found it kinda weird how jimin apparently "didn't know" 4 o'clock was inspired by him

Have u seen that one radio interview in the past Th openly called out jm for liking men? 

We never see them hangout tgt I mean we have seen ji/kook tgt more often and tae with his wooga squad

What did you think about jimin playing the video game using tae's acc while the latter looked from behind?

When tae posted 'lets keep going for a long time i only have u' they probably only knew e/o for about 2 yrs and now we also know that at that time they still argued and fought with e/o alot. Yet they felt so strongly for their frienship.

What are your thoughts about tae choosing " my time " to recommend it to a non army.

If we look at their personalities tae is more of introverted and shy these days while jimin is more outgoing and loud. But when it comes the them jimin is always the one who seems cautious

Is it my imagination or is Jimin VERY loud lately? I feel like the roles have somehow been reversed.

The timeline of the dumpling incident really confuses me. 

Why do i feel like vmin dont hangout outside of work anymore

Just read your ji/kook vs vmin post regarding festa and I agree. you can tell that jm gets very serious when it comes to tae

A possible sexual relationship between Jimin and Tae. I've seen subtle hints where this might be happening behind the scenes like the recent bang bang con

Whenever joon says stuff like 'what a nice friendship/bcoz he is your friend' vmin have a very neutral or blank face

When do you think their friendship turned into something more?

Did u see how tae coloured jimin's name on the soft board with purple. 

Jimin recently in this festa says jk is his soul brother

Nj nearly always tries to underplay vmin's bond.

Sweet Night: “Sharing my fragile truth That I still hope the door is open Door' 

I feel like jimin was reluctant to talk about the dumpling incident probably bcoz it involves him getting drunk?

Your opinion on the whole "that's smth a couple would do" "you two look like a couple" for ji/kook vs "it's cause he's your friend "

What ur opinion is on the new kdrama that is based on homosexuality. 

Tae has many a times mentioned wanting to have kids or wanting to be father.

Taehyung has always talked about having a family, children and wife etc. 

I personally feel the maknae line in general have been advised not to do lives alone tgt bcoz of the intense shipping

I spend hours reading your posts and I could never get tired of it

I have a doubt about vmin  recently V is so close to JK it seems like V avoiding jimin

Taehyung talked about the movie Call Me by Your Name and its soundtrack

I honestly like how unpopular vmin are.

Let's say JM and TH have other partners - do you think said partners would be okay with a whole song of vmin declaring each other as soulmates? 

In the end there is no moment that is unique to a ship. do you agree?

Some vlives are arranged by the company and sometimes members themselves when the find free time they go live. 

What was the point of making a decision tght to come on vlive tgh infront of the fan to then not do it?

It cant be the company stopping v and jm from doing a live can it? 

Do you the think the reason vmin dont do vlive is because taehyung's feelings are one sided?

Theory on a possible reason on why vmin has not gone to do a vlive on their own for so long?

On bon voyage 3 j hope mentions how v and jk were hugging each other in their sleep.

Ji/kook is obvious (ear nibble) and Tae reacting blank to Vmin moments

But why they dont have funny bro handshake like v/kook?

You are so delusional like seriously how do you function in real life

You know how vmin called eo soulmates. The term can also be taken in a platonic way too right

If there’s a real ship in bts, can you give me your opinion on who?

Tae kissing jimin's cheek after they won an award in some music show (About ship edits)

I think vmin is real. Can you do a Sweet night analysis because in my opion the song dosen't match with the drama

Why are you a Vmin shipper if you don't think Jimin is gay or at least bisexual? 

I don't blame V and Jimin for not doing Vlive together

You know that blurry picture of vmin in 2014?

Tae and jk seem like the members who are most non straight to u and also that jimin might be straight so then isnt it more possible for t**k***k to be the couple?

Do you think that vmin are straight?

Can you tell me what makes you think jk is not straight

Ppl connect sweet night and 4 o' clock with vmin After tae's live yesterday n i m also seeing some ppl being offended by it.

Why do I sense that Tae has more of crush on Jimin (and realized it) but Jimi is oblivious?

Will you still publish that long vmin and lgbt in korea analysis.

Even namjoon said they should go live to discuss about their song.

I dont really consider minjoon vlive as one they did themselves. it was mostly organised by the company

Maknae line avoid vlives and  its really weird that jimi would do it with rm but not tae

Shouldnt it be easy for them to go live tght than anyone else?

Tae is very reluctant or scared to do a vlive with jimin

In the past month when vmin did mention about the song they just made superficial comments

Hi 💙 do you write vmin fics?

I also feel that jm is nervous to talk about the song even though he said he will in the comeback show

If jimin doesn't go live today as well maybe we can get a vmin live?

Vmin antis say vmin are not friends irl and use the fact that they are never spotted hanging out offscreen as "proof"

Will you do a Vmin throwback - 2019?

Can we even be considered delulu anymore for thinking not all of this is a coincidence?

Sweet night doesn't really fit the couple relationship in the drama

What do you mean when you say 'not being delulu'?

I dont know why after listening to sweet night i feel very nervous?

Maybe the lyrics to SN are very well just about the drama/webtoon.

Do you think the songs lie and stigma are related ? 

Namjoon talking about Friends 2 - Making excuses

Namjoon talking about Friends 1 - Can’t write about them

About the “Hello my alien” line in Friends

Do you think they gone do fansing this period of promoting?

Jm said when he wants to make and gift a song if he finds someone he loves and he actually helped write n produce the melody of chingu

Omg Ive been crying over the vmin song lyrics ever since they came out.

Thoughts about the song and what you took out of it

Its not a light hearted thing to call each other soulmate

This kind of debunks the christmas song theory… i feel sad like they are commercialising their friendship

Jimin is partly involved in the making and it will be about Jimin and Tae’s bond

I fear that vmin will become the next larry 

Chrismats song, smile awards. Arent those awards previously decided and even the words written for them by the company?

I was wondering if you're going to write something about bv4 and all the vmin we got there

Do you think that vmin say they love each other truly or for fan service?

Recently i watched a vkook video to compare

Do you know how exactly vmin met?

Whenever I do get the chance to focus on Vmin it’s usully one of three things

At the airport Tae had his arm around Jimin's shoulder but removed it quickly when they arrived in front of the cameras.

I don’t care if people don’t ship Vmin romantically. But with Vmin doing things like this you can’t really blame us if we do.

I got a looooot of asks on the Christmas song and I will adress the ones I have left all in one go

The reaction in bv was probably cause he wants to visits there and jm got there first

Vmin talked about tannie and how they went to visit tannie at tae's parents house

Just do it how you feel comfortable, we are waiting for your analysis

What video is the gif you post with this : Jimin and V talking about going to the Sapporo snow festival and playing in the snow together 

This break was an opportunity for them to be around other friends and family so maybe they just wanted to spend this time apart

Do you really think vm are soulmates? Sometimes i feel like we might be over using this word for them 

Once again thank you for all the asks you send! And also sorry for not being able to keep up and answer them all. I’ll try to answer some old ones as well whenever I can, and I will keep adding some of them to this list. I hope you found something interesting. Thanks for reading!

[irisvseyelash]

I didn’t wanna bother you, @koeharu , with tons of asks back to back because this Dream/Nightmare of mine is quite LONG. [Typed this sentence before I sent you that ask]

Y'know how in the WC where King saw Garou and he cracked open an eye? In my dream, Garou opened both his eyes and stepped out of the waterfall and headed towards Badd and Zenko chilling on a secluded picnic mat over in an unnoticed corner of the empty space behind the dojo. Bang and Bomb meditates and sometimes spar under a large, ancient looking tree. (Tree kinda looks like the one from Zelda). Saitama with a PSP that King gifted him, and Genos sat like a good boy beside him. Garou fidgeted and told the group that he saw King running for his life, and was worried if he would report him to the HA.

Bang comforted him that no, King isn’t the kind of person to do that, while Badd nods with flowers in his hair while doing Zenko’s. Bomb’s just honestly standing there idly swaying. Saitama is just playing with the PSP he got from King, and he’s just humming in agreement while Genos stays silent beside him.

But not even an hour passes and a chopper was hovering on top of the dojo and HA ppl surrounded it. Amai was at the entry speaking his justice and evil bull while Badd, Zenko, Bang, Bomb, Genos and Saitama were dragged away from Garou, Zenko crying out and biting, Bang actually cursing at the people around him while Bomb keeps him from killing anyone. Badd just did what he does best, swinging his bat threateningly in everyone’s faces. Everything fades to black.

Then my perspective changed to Garou’s when he was under the Waterfall, but there was a gun trained point blank at him by a HA person while Amai smirks from behind John Doe and JESUS. His eyes were absolutely mad with glee and murderous intent. The Group was held back by many HA people and Zenko was straight up crying into Badd’s shoulder as he had picked her up and was glaring at EVERYBODY. The Martial Brothers were more collected, but Bang looked hella sad and furious. Bomb looked neutral, but his eyes told a different story. Saitama looks like this and Genos was steaming up a sauna.

As Garou was brought in, the was a vote of letting him live and die, and the difference was only one vote. Which leaned into the favor of death. The heroes who were found at the scene along with him were fired immediately, but thank god for their registration under Neo Heroes. The group decided to see Garou one last time before his execution, which is electrocution, somehow.

Anyways, when the HA people said any last words, Garou looks up to see the curtain revealing Badd, Zenko, Bang, Bomb, Saitama and Genos. Badd was fvcking horrified and Zenko just… Hugged him. Bang was dejected (because sON) and Bomb… He was aboutta lose his one and only not-nephew. Saitama looked depressed and Genos just looks like he’s gonna Incinerate everthing in a 50,000 mile radius.

Garou’s last words (more like sentences) were thanking Bang for taking him in, and apologising for crippling all his students. Bomb, for being there as an uncle, Saitama for making him realise his actual dream, Genos for being his friend, Zenko for being The Greatest Little Sister™ and Badd… My mind decided that GAROU SHOULD CONFESS HIS LOVE FOR HIM RIGHT THEN AND THERE WHILE BADD, WHILE SOBBING, SAID “ME TOO” AND GAROU SMILES IN REGRET AND THE CURTAINS FELL, AND HIS SCREAM OVERCAME EVERYONE’S SENSES UNTIL EVERYTHING WENT SILENT. And then it fades to black.

Everything starts up again when Garou wakes up in a bag and escapes that small space always seen in morgues? The doctor who was writing on his clipboard drops it while crouching and backing away into a corner as Garou advances, reaching for the door.

He doesn’t remember anything, except the part of being killed and revenge. Suddenly, an image of the people in front of him, separated by a glass window, appears and immediately thinks that yes, those are the people that had killed him and watched him die. It’s time to hunt them down.

Then perspective change to Badd sauntering down a road, and it was early enough for there not to be anyone around. He heard the sound of light footsteps and immediately thought that a monster was following him until he hears the sound of knuckles cracking that Garou makes all the time before a fight to the death, often heard when he’s angry, or was facing a monster.

So Badd turned happily around, his brain not registering that exCUSE ME, GAROU IS DEAD and faltering his grin when he saw him, 10 shades paler, white hair crackling with electricity and his veins up to his jaw, coloured black. Dark enough to show through the 7 layers of skin. There was a small slit at his left temple, that was still quite fresh.

Garou’s eyes were literally the size of a small button, that show how mentally unstable he is and how confused he sometimes look. He was also mumbling under his breath about revenge and murder. Badd threw up his Bat without hesitation, because the situation in front of him is clear.

Garou is chipped with a brain-washer, and he had survived 2,000 volts, where he most likely absorbed as his own power move (?) and woke up, got the chip placed, and was sedated enough for him to seem dead. Whoever was behind this, wanted Badd, Zenko, Bang, Bomb, Saitama and Genos DEAD.

Then I woke up and I’m really considering about writing a fic about this. Yikes.

[inhonoredglory]

I honestly can’t really get on board w the ending of httyd 3 for the very fact that it felt like what ppl say happens when you get married, that you leave everyone even your best friend and go to your own little bubble w your partner and kids (maybe occasionally seeing them if your lucky) and being that I haven’t been w anyone ever &that I don’t see my future like that it kinda made me sad that the ending kinda just further reinforced the idea that that’s what’s natural idk

OK. This. This is what has been bothering me pretty hardcore since the film ended and I got over the shine of its shocking newness. I don’t want to really promote negativity in the fandom, but it should be addressed and you bring up what I fear the most in most mainstream narratives, and what I thought we were safe from in the HTTYD franchise.

Because HTTYD as a whole is so strongly and so poignantly about the friendship and fierce love of Hiccup and Toothless: theirs is a Love Story, through and through, and let’s be real: HTTYD3 confirmed that by having Hiccup tell Toothless, “I love you” (if anyone out there was confused before) and by paralleling Stoick’s “love is loss” flashback quote with (not Hiccup and Astrid), but Hiccup and Toothless.

So the narrative definitely elevates the friendship of Hiccup and Toothless. I appreciate that. I appreciate that the film knows this is about “the friendship of a lifetime.” Hiccup is selfless to the point of death for Toothless’ happiness. (Toothless has some development issues and a less-than-stellar portrayal of his own separation anxiety, but that’s another issue written about here in this analysis by @e–wills and @kingofthewilderwest)

The theme of the film is that dragons and humans can’t live with each other because humans are too evil. Toothless must protect his dragonkind. Toothless must lead them to safety. I’m not going to go into the details of how those themes were developed in the film (or if they needed more emphasis). That might be another post once I see the film again.

What I am bothered by is how easily the narrative feeds into what you feared: that friendships must inevitably give way to romantic partnerships. Hiccup says he was paying attention to what he wanted, rather than what Toothless needed. He asks Toothless, “am I enough?” And the narrative is telling us, no. We have so many supporting character relationships turned into romances or hints of romances that weren’t that way before––from Snotlout hitting on Valka, that bit of Valka and Eret, Tuffnut and Hiccup, Gobber and Eret. (Again, I’m not saying romance is bad, but romance––of any stripe––was never the hallmark of HTTYD.) And of course… we get Ruffnut trying to decide which man she wants to fall in love with.. because apparently, even her and Tuffnut can’t be complete with just each other (I’m not the biggest RTTE fan, but I honestly adored that ep where Ruff committed herself to Tuff instead of running off with Throk.)

A hugely disproportionate amount of the jokes in the film were ultimately sexual in nature. And when Toothless is swept off his wings by the Light Fury (literally when he fell into the Hidden World w/ her), the cinematic structure of that scene was that traditional fade to black (read: they had sex) we see in romantic movies since the beginning of movies. Toothless is slobbery and horny. Hiccup and Astrid are on fire (literally, and I could probably get very Freudian about that scene too). The overtness of the sexual undertone in this film felt more powerful to me than the direness of the threat (again, with limited runtime they chose to emphasize developing Toothless and LF’s arc than the villains’).

It bothers me because even though we get the world-scope facts about Toothless having to return to his kind and protect his dragons, we get the emotional and narrative scaffolding of a very, VERY tired and traditional trope. Casual fans are gonna see this movie and knee-jerk right back into the idea that friendships are the things you have as a kid and teen growing up. Those have to ultimately give way to “the real world” where you settle with a romantic partner and have a family.

Are families bad? No. Is romance bad? No. But Hiccup and Toothless represented so much more than that; they represented True Love, which is dedicated, committed, and lifelong. I adored GotNF because it placed the hallmarks and symbology of marriage (willing bondage to another person) in the context of Hiccup and Toothless, the most non-sexual of relationships (bless the fact that Toothless is a dragon because it made friendship the only canon interpretation of their bond). HTTYD3 tries to explain GotNF by saying Toothless had no one to go to when he flew off. But now he does.

I still want to see the film again to really get my thoughts together on this, but at the moment I’m grumbling. I soapbox friendships-as-legit-love a lot and so I was triggered somewhat by the shift. Like you, I’ve never been in a romantic relationship either and I really wonder if the biological drive to get hooked is that powerful in people. Maybe it is…

I lowkey want to write a THW Remix fic putting back in all the themes we know and love into the movie, but with the plot intact, cuz the plot of this film was heartbreakingly beautiful and completely relevant to the biggest Hiccup and Toothless question in their growth: when does a love before selfish?

Anyway, I rambled long enough. Please let’s dialogue about this, fandom. I want to work my feelings out on it and hopefully be proved wrong.

I do recommend reading this post by a friend of mine who believes the friendship was not overpowered by the romance.

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[whatthefuckistevvs]

okay now that’s it’s over I feel safe to ask; what the *fuck* was lost light and who are the characters.

anon it’ll never be over!!!

ALSO MY APOLOGIES, THIS WILL BE LONG AS HELL

Okay, so- The Lost Light is a comic book series. Its the direct sequel of Transformers: More than meets the eye. Both are written by James Roberts, and the artist vary, tho, for MTMTE the main artist was Alex Milne and for Lost Light the main artist was Jack Lawrence.

Its a transformers comic that takes place in the IDW continuity of comics, though, I actually was able to get into it without knowing anything about the story of the IDW comics- it is pretty good and self explanatory like that.

The story is as follows: the extremely long six million (iirc) war between autobots and decepticons is over. the autobots won. Now, Cybertron, the home for the cybertronians (most transformers), is damaged. I mean, it still stands, but its nothing like it used to be.

Rodimus Prime, a hotshot leader, decides he wants to go find Cyberutopia and the knights of cybertron- legendary robots that millions of years ago created a “better cybertron”, so to speak. So, he gathered up about 200 other cybertronians, got Into the Ship Lost Light, and set off to find the planet.

MTMTE is about 58 issues long iirc, and the sequel Lost Light is 25. It is, honestly, my favorite comic series of all time. James Roberts is a great writer, the art is fantastic, oh also it has incredible LGBT+ rep

i mean, its a race where 90% of them are men. you expect them to be straight?

Anyways, this comic is extremely good. It is a little bit difficult ot follow at times, but honestly- considering how convulted the lore of transformers is, specifically IDW (that goes back since 2005), this one is a comic you can pick up without knowing anything about transformers. ITs really, really good. it is considered the BEST piece of transformers media of ALL time. including movies, cartoons, other comics, etc. It has beaten Saga as the best comic awards. 

And just this week, it ended. so i am pretty emotional about it, because the ending was also very good. Unforutnately, the writer had planned for the actual series (at least hte lost light saga) to be twice as long- but the IDW continuity is “cancelled”, aka its finally going to end. RN the current comics were Lost Light, Unicron and Optimus Prime- Lost LIght was the first one to end, though tbh i dont follow the other two, i only know that they will end soon too cus the IDW continuity will end.

AS OF CHARACTERS- there are many characters (i mean, transformers), but honestly through the series it follows a certain group of characters:

Rodimus Prime, the hotshot leader who is sometimes a little bit over his head but, fuck he tried

Ultra Magnus, a shithouse of power who is a huge gigantic nerd that is extremely anal about rules and is extremely intelligent. i love him.

Drift: used to be decepticon, now he is autobot. one of Rodimus BFFS and also a huge dumbass twink. love him too.

Ratchet: The medic, Old as hell, also kinda anal, he is very skeptic of stuff and normally always feels bad he is nto a Better Doctor

Swerve: little shit that never shuts up and opens a bar. He is charismatic and he is kind of very meta. not deadpool levels, but yeah he is kind of meta? idk

Chromedome: Kind of a memory doctor- nice and good and tall and orange and i love him.

Rewind: he films everything, tiny and black, also love him. Him and Chromedome are married (literally).

Whirl: crazy ass shit autobot- the only reason he is an autobot is because optimus prime himself did not want that kind of shit crazy being a decepticon. Batshit, gets into the ship by accident kind of.

Cyclonus: Not a decepticon, not an autobot. Used to work for Galvatron, but defected and helped the autobots save the day when he realized galvatron used him. Big purple old guy who is sad al te time and also is a shit powerhouse. he is my favorite.....

Tailgate: 6 millions years ago, before hte war started, he was going to get into the ARK, but he fell down a hole and went into a coma. woke up, missed the entire fucking war, and is trying to adapt to everything. stupid and dumb, i love him

Rung: Psychiatrist, pretty forgetable by almost every1. but he has huge eyebrows and i love him.

....and far more characters.

HOnestly anon, i recommend this to ANYONE. even if you arent into transformers. its really good, user friendly for ppl who dont know the lore (hell, i had no idea about IDW lore when i got into it), and is extremely emotional. ITs my favorite comic ever, and i am alwyas happy to talk about it to whoever wants to hear.

Honestly a lot of ppl think know me for my OW works but i’ve always been a transformers fan, ever since i was like 10 years old. So, haha, this series brought me back into that stuff. I am still p excited about it, so i may post more transformers related stuff, but honestly dont worry- i wont forget about OW. Im just p excited!!

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

Luke/Tori for the ship ask please?

thanks for being so patient! i got carried away and then stuck bc i got carried away lol and i’ve also just been busy bc grad school lmao ;_;

here it is finally! under a cut as per my yuzh

who hogs the duvet

luke, bc he’s just a cold human being. lol not like in his heart or soul, but his body runs colder than most, so he’s chilled like all the time

if he’s not acting like an octopus, he’s hogging the duvet. tori doesn’t mind a whole bunch, since she runs warm (thanks apollo), but sometimes, on really cold nights (heating is so expensive and if they can keep it off, they will), it’s v annoying so she’ll forcefully pull the duvet back, which forces luke to turn into an octopus

who texts/rings to check how their day is going

i’d say tori is. she worries a lot abt luke, esp bc he can kinda hole up inside his mind when he’s having a tough time

those little text alert noises and rings are actually quite comforting for luke. he appreciate them a lot, which he’d never say out loud, but he doesn’t need to since they can read each other pretty well

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts

you might be surprised, but luke actually is. it comes from his creativity for pranks

who gets up first in the morning

tori does! thanks apollo, but only during the summer lmao

it’s super bad in the summer too, bc the days are longer and it gets light around 4 or 5 in the morning lol

but tori generally gets up with the sun (thanks apollo), so during the winter she gets up later than in the summer and luke is generally up before her

who suggests new things in bed

i mean, honestly both of them do!

tori does more often, but luke will if it’s been a long day, and an even longer night bc either/or both of them can’t sleep bc of nightmares or what have you

wait, i’m just realizing this might be a sexual question??? lmao, i read it like one of those philosophical talks you have with your best friend at sleepovers at 3am (same energy anyway)

well, if it is a sexual question (i’m honestly not sure, my ace brain is seriously just That ace), i would say neither of them, honestly

like they’ve been through so much in their lives. role-play doesn’t do it for them. tori hates being held down/restrained, and they’ve both incurred enough injuries from monsters for a lifetime so bdsm is also out

they’re also both tops, so that complicates things sometimes, but “““““vanilla””””” sex is fine for them

who cries at movies

lol tori does. no question.

who gives unprompted massages

luke, for sure. and tori loves it

but tori will sometimes do so if she sees luke’s stressed and tense

who fusses over the other when they’re sick

totes luke, he turns in to like a mother hen (but don’t tell him i told you that) and worries over tori whenever she gets sick

obvi tori takes care of luke when he’s sick, but luke’s the one to really go those extra 500 miles

who gets jealous easiest

lmao, can’t choose on that one bc both of them get supremely jealous

it doesn’t help that luke is bi and tori is biromantic, so anyone is technically fair game and they’re both very good-looking ppl

who has the most embarrassing taste in music

tori! she’s a hopeless romantic, and so like all those cheesy, gooey love songs and will listen to them all day every day

and i mean i wouldn’t strictly classify that as “embarrassing” per se, but that’s the best answer i have for ya

who collects something unusual

hmmm, luke.

you could argue most things are “unusual” to collect, but luke collects journals filled with entries. like he fell out of it after thalia, and then that whole thing happened with kronos lol, but after that (this is the everybody lives!au if you couldn’t tell) he picks it back up again

so he just has stacks of journals, all filled, many from tori–its therapeutic and he finds it’s something he actually quite enjoys. in the quiet of his shared bedroom with tori, of course

who takes the longest to get ready

not really either of them. i mean, i guess tori just bc if she wants to do something with her hair, it takes longer

but tori doesn’t wear a lot of makeup to begin with, and just as well she doesn’t have to try That hard to look nice (thanks apollo)

luke is already good-looking, and even tho he doesn’t have any divine blessing, he doesn’t have to do a lot to look good either

who is the most tidy and organised

luke, he hates clutter

he can’t think, and it only reminds him of the crowded hermes cabin

who gets most excited about the holidays

tori, bc she’s making up for all she missed out in childhood

luke indulges her bc he’s secretly making up for all he missed out in childhood, but he often doesn’t like expressing he’s excited for the holidays, except for quietly when he’s in the privacy of his and tori’s apt. he doesn’t mind showing tori how much he’s enjoying himself

who is the big spoon/little spoon

they switch constantly

tori loves being the little spoon, but so does luke. even if tori is kinda tiny lol

when it’s cold at night and luke is hogging the blankets but tori is still warm enough, but her nose gets cold, she’ll roll over and press her nose into luke’s back to share what little warmth he can give her. he’ll often reach back for her arm and she’ll put it around him, lacing her fingers with his, letting her hand rest against his chest, where his heart is

more often then not tho, tori is the little spoon bc luke has turned into an octopus seeking warmth at night

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports

like the jealousy thing, they both do

you don’t want them on opposite sides

likewise, you don’t want them together, bc they’ll pulverize you

so it’s really lose-lose either way

who starts the most arguments

oh man, i mean i guess both of them

they’re both worried abt each other’s safety, so that’s mostly what they argue abt

tori probably starts them a little more often, if only bc luke often jumps in front of her when they’re in danger just out instinct and before tori can jump in front of him, which annoys her

not just bc she can take care of herself, but also bc luke does so with reckless abandon and she doesn’t like that he could potentially be wounded/hurt/killed bc he was protecting her

who suggests that they buy a pet

tori, but only bc they were passing a pet shop one day and she noticed luke’s eyes lingering on one of the kittens inside that had taken a liking to luke

it was december, so v cold. and they were on their way back to their apt when they passed a pet shop

and as they’re passing, one of the kittens leaps up and paws at the window, following the couple as they continue pass

this catches luke’s attention, and he finds the little kitten’s persistence endearing as they walk past

the kitten’s also meowing, but obvi they can’t hear it. luke can see it tho bc its little mouth keeps moving

even tho luke insists it’s okay if they don’t get the kitten, tori drags him inside anyway and they go to the pen, and the little kitten is waiting for them on the other side

it’s a calico and it’s not until they’re inside that they notice this little kitten’s eye is injured on its right side (bc of glare from the window outside)

luke is only able to stare, too in shock to really move or think, but tori picks up the mewling ball of fluff and coos at it. then she holds it out for luke to take. and he’s hesitant at first, bc its so small and fragile, but tori gently coaxes it into his arms. and he rests it on his shoulder and it falls asleep, the precious bby

luke panics at that, though, bc he doesn’t know what to do lol. tori is not help, she just laughs and smiles at him

one of the workers goes over to them then and says that injured animals are always tough to sell, so tori, of course, immediately says they’ll buy this kitten

anyway, her official name is jiji, but her nickname is kitty bc that’s what luke referred to her as when they first brought her home and it kinda stuck.

what couple traditions they have

idk if this qualifies as a “tradition” per se, but, since we’re in the everyone lives!au, this is also the au where luke surprises tori with a song for her b-day one yr

and so after that their “i love you” turns into, “did i mention?”

after long days/after a monster attack while they’re out trying to be normal, and after they’ve cleaned up and are relaxing in bed, they’ll softly sing duets together (since luke can sing now lol; also from linked post). but tori’s still trying to get luke to sing a duet with her in public, to no avail so far

i’ve mentioned before that they like to shower together (again it’s not ever sexual), it’s more meditative and still v much intimate

again, not exactly a tradition, but sometimes if tori’s having trouble sleeping/it’s a particularly bad night regarding nightmares, luke will softly sing to her (most of the time, “did i mention” bc he knows how happy it makes her)

valentines day is a BIG thing. and it feels so cliche for me to say, but tori LOVES that holiday and luke would do anything for that woman. so he’ll do as much cheesy, romantic stuff as he can and that he’s gleaned from movies (and like actually romantic stuff, not the White™ version of romance where the man stalks/forces the woman’s hand)

i mean most of the big holidays–valentines, halloween, christmas and new yrs are p big things in the williams-castellan household

most of the time, they spend it alone together (lol if that makes sense) like the week or day before, they’ll go out with friends and what family they have left lmao i made myself sad ;_; but on the day of, they’ll spend it together in the comfort of their apt bc going out is too overwhelming for both of them

every sunday, they’ll bake together and every monday, they’ll make a meal together. it helps them enjoy the end of their weekend and the beginning of a new work-week more, being able to spend that time together and looking forward to it at the end of those dreaded mondays

what tv shows they watch together

adult cartoons like bob’s burgers, rick & morty, and futurama

episodic comedies like parks & rec, the office, b99, and scrubs

they’ll sometimes chance it with crime procedurals and the like, but if the show gets too heavy, they’ll stop and not really go back bc they’ve dealt with enough

same goes for sci-fi/fantasy shows (tho they chance these even less bc they deal with enough mythology shit just being demigods)

what other couple they hang out with

they’ll sometimes hang out with like percy and annabeth (and maybe the other couples from the seven JASON IS STILL ALIVE I SAID EVERYONE LIVES!AU + nico and will, etc.), but it’s more in a mentor kind of way, since luke and tori are so much older than all of them. they’re good to go to for advice abt relationships, and also life in general

i like to think they are able to make friends with couples their age through places like the waystation that are hidden throughout the mortal world, but they’re wary abt new ppl bc they’ve had so many bad experiences, just in general (not necessarily with ppl)

so if you do manage to become a friend and they ask you to go on a double date with them with your partner, it’s ride or die for them (and it better be mutual)

how they spend time together as a couple

quiet nights in, mundane date nights out–anything a normal couple would do bc they’ve been through enough already, they don’t need more excitement/trauma

that, of course, doesn’t stop monsters from attacking them when they go out. but after a battle, they’ll go home, clean up, and cuddle on the bed with lofi music playing in the background and scented candles lit around the room

who made the first move

tori did regarding their private confirmation of being in a relationship since she’s demi, and she’d told luke so. he didn’t want to push her into anything she was uncomfortable with, esp if her feelings stayed platonic/friendly, so he let her take the reins

luke did regarding their public confirmation of being in a relationship when he asked her to the fireworks show

who brings flowers home

luke does bc he knows tori likes it when he does romantic things she’s seen in movies

who is the best cook

neither really, since they didn’t exactly grow up in traditional homes

but a few years after the war and of living together, tori decides to take classes on mexican cuisine to reconnect a little more with her roots and her mom. luke joins her, obvi, bc he cares and love her duh

tori’s the better cook tho; luke likes to bake

thanks again for being patient! as it always is, i enjoyed writing abt my loves

FEED ME SEYMOUR

[thefudge]

TLJ thoughts, post-viewing

sooo, i have a lot of feelings about a lot of things. also the subtitles didn’t prepare me. for a lot.

this movie is made up of many quiet, non-verbal moments and rian johnson lets those moments sink in and dwell with you and that’s great

rey exploring the workings of the force, for example. there’s a really cool sequence where she’s trying to find out who her parents are and she lowers herself in the embodiment of the dark side and it’s very trippy and cool. it’s not rushed and it’s v atmospheric. she gets the incentive to do that thanks to kylo. his revelations about luke and his general aura of “troubled darkness” inspire her to dig deeper.

i think what i liked most about reylo was its sense of gratuitous intimacy. what i mean by this is that they seemed to connect without effort, without having to manipulate the plot to make it fit. they seemed be in their own little movie, dealing with things beyond the usual surface level of star wars ‘good vs. evil’. kylo’s philosophy about letting the past go is definitely flawed, but the way the movie frames reylo, they do seem to “let go” of their surroundings and circumstances when they’re together. it’s sort of timeless. 

i will say, i don’t think the romance was that "romantic”, if that makes sense? and i think it’s a good thing. their bond is very real, but it goes beyond “romantic drama” and your usual hero/villain trope. it has shades of that, ofc, and there is palpable sexual and romantic tension, imo. but i sensed something more mature and interesting between them. it could go either way. do i want reylo to have a future in ep 9 and after? yep. is it possible they won’t? also yep. mainly because kylo let rey down. and here’s the kicker: it’s not rey that really rejects him. it’s him that rejects rey. because she tries quite a few times to bring him over to her side, and i think her anger and sadness stem from the fact that, ultimately, kylo didn’t choose her, and ergo the light. he’s still v much conflicted and i think she can sense that. but rey is hungry. she wants all or nothing. she can’t have half of him. so she doesn’t reject him as much as tell him straight up that she won’t stand for being second. for instance, she expects him to fold to her side immediately after taking down snoke. when he doesn’t, she’s quite literally in tears. this hurts her on a deeper level than “oh no, the dark side won and the resistance lost an important ally.” no, this feels like her parents all over. leaving her, deserting her. that’s how i read it, tbh. 

and kylo does some reprehensible shit in the latter quarter of the movie, lol, like i won’t woobify him, since i like my antiheroes to be antiheroes.  but he's not quite villain level?  if u look at snoke, if u take that cool, collected snarky asshole - that’s a villain. he knows who he is, and what he wants. kylo is hopelessly confused and always looking for validation. he tells rey that she’s the one always looking for father figures - but oh, benny ben. it’s actually you. he wants someone to really see him, and that’s why he’s drawn to rey. but just to clarify: he doesn’t have it in him to kill his mother. he has an open, unambiguous chance and he stops. he is willing to destroy her when she stands behind walls and is shielded by the resistance. yet when she’s in the open, no. that was my read on it. 

his fight with luke is...very much one-sided. luke appears as a force-hologram to fight him and kylo just wants to obliterate him for very, very personal reasons. kylo is not the cool, collected new emperor who is going to “kill the past”. he lives so much in the past that he doesn’t even realize luke isn’t even there. 

and btw, kylo doesn’t kill luke, though he wishes he had. early on we get this foreshadowing. when the first force-bond happens between him and rey, he goes “no, you’re not doing this. the effort would kill you.” meaning that, to transport yourself through space via force (without a bond) takes a looooot of energy. luke goes on a suicide mission, basically. he knows using the force like this will kill him. he’s almost having fun toying with kylo at the end. 

when kylo realizes he’s a force-hologram, luke smiles and says “see you around, kid.” not exactly anakin vs obi-wan, if u know what i mean.

and then back on the island, we see luke peacefully give himself over to the force and vanish. it’s v tranquil and quite satisfying and the original star wars theme is used so well, imo. do i think we could’ve had more of luke? sure. but he went out on his own terms. that’s the whole point - kylo didn’t kill him. he killed himself.

again, i want to emphasize that kylo is still very much an antihero, dipping his toe into villainy (and failing - which makes him more angry, which only makes it harder to be the villain he wants to be haha). he’s not a Good Guy. many posts will crop up in the tag about what a poor, lost soul he is. yes and no. rey actually understands him when she closes the falcon door on him. she knows him and appreciates him. he will never really be ben solo and that’s a good thing. trying to be ben solo so hard is what got him in this mess. he isn’t supposed to be a Good Guy. so no, i don’t want him to “turn” (see my thoughts on “turning” below). i want him to truly move beyond the past and reform himself on his own terms, just like luke. because hey fam, luke isn’t a Good Guy in this movie either AND THAT’S GREAT. anyway, i certainly won’t be romanticizing him (kylo). he’s a compelling antihero who definitely has baggage and trauma (luke did try to kill him as a boy, though he has a wildly dramatized version of the event lol) but he is also someone who has to help himself. ultimately, rey’s goal isn’t to “save” him but to push him to save himself. honestly, if kylo had followed her and “turned” and reluctantly joined the resistance, it would’ve been a total let down and a betrayal of his character. him “turning” wouldn’t help him. he’d still have that darkness and that anger inside of him, multiplied. boy needs therapy - aka working through his issues, not ignoring them and joining the Good Side. 

Other things I liked: 

- admiral holdo’s arc - beautiful, well-done and surprising. laura dern kills it. 

- benicio del toro!!!!! no small parts with this man. he is delightful. imagine rick from “rick and morty” but way hotter lol. he was probably my favorite addition, after rose. he’s the middle-ground guy, he’s more han solo than fucking han solo. he doesn’t believe in good guys vs bad guys and he shows both finn and the audience that the two sides err because they believe their path is the only path. he perfectly encapsulates the very real contradictions in modern-day ethics and how our “pure and wholesome” activism often shields us from some terrible truths. he does have a semblance of a heart underneath his cynicism but i love that in the end he doesn’t suddenly discover the power of friendship with finn and rose. he’s a jaded asshole with shades of good, who’s probably seen some rough shit. BUT, he has this super cute moment with rose before things go to shit regarding her necklace and it’s !!!!!! it shows how much he understands human nature. i kinda ship them. aaaanyway. i definitely think he will return, his arc is not done. 

- ROSE TICO SMILING AND BEING HAPPY. ROSE TICO RIDING THAT KANGAROO CREATURE AND ENJOYING LIFE. i treasured those scenes a lot. she’s a great combo of feisty and childlike, tough and innocent. gosh, she reminds me of bonnie bennett so much ;___;

- general hux. yall, it’s true. it’s all true. hux may have won me over. hux in TFA was just a lite over-the-top villain imo. but here??? he’s such a fun, dynamic character, rian gave him a lot of fun, humorous moments. and honest to god, he’s also given some humanity. when kylo takes over, he is genuinely affected and disturbed by his level of aggression. and he’s....idk, much less evil in this one. probably because of the humor. he just seems like a man dead-set on fulfilling his mission, brainwashed to the core. and underneath the brainwashing, he seems to be your average overwhelmed white dude. i don’t think he’ll be redeemed or anything but...it’s weird how at the end of TLJ he is probably the MOST reasonable dude from the first order???

- there’s this great little message about failure. i think here TLJ was inspired by Rogue One. because a lot of the characters in this movie learn to let go and accept defeat. you can’t always save everyone, you can’t always fight back. sometimes, the brave thing is to retreat and treasure the ppl you love. so i def liked that.

- GODDAMN GHOST YODA. i honestly thought i’d hate it because...gimmick, amirite? but that scene with luke was SO emotional and also funny and visceral and just - i was a bit teary-eyed, ME, THE GRINCH. i was suddenly nine again, watching star wars for the first time. ANYWAY. 

- luke skywalker deserves a separate entry. mark hamill did so much with this character in the last few scenes. also some of the stuff he says about the force in this movie is legit beautiful and i love how he criticizes the vanity of the jedi - because this was what was missing from the prequels. anakin fell because the council was tone-deaf. the jedi are often responsible for their own doom and so they must always be vigilant - which is a goddamn thankless job. i love that luke acknowledges this. 

-luke/leia moment. GAAAAH. HE KISSES HER FOREHEAD GOODBYE AND SHE KNOWS HE’S NOT COMING BACK FROM THIS. I DIED.

- in that order of business, leia finally FIIIINALLY gets to show off a bit and use the force in a pro-active manner. it’s also clear to me that episode 9 would’ve been the story of her and “ben” and i think she would have been the catalyst for his eventual development. but sadly, we’ll never see that ;____; 

-there is some gorgeous cinematography and visual direction in this movie. particularly in the third act, on that salt planet? the red trails? shivers. 

-i didn’t hate any of the new creatures like i thought i would??? probably because they were used sparingly and with a sense of humor.

Stuff i kind of didn’t like:

- phasma. phasma, phasma, phasma. WHAT was that??? like tell me that wasn’t anticlimactic as hell. she was, sadly, a pointless character. unless she somehow survived the fire and destruction, which i doubt, i really don’t see the point of casting wonderful gwendolyn christie just to stand there in armor. 

- MAZ KANATA. is barely in this. i call bullshit. 

-sigh, okay so i loved rose to death, but her arc revolved way too much around finn. on the one hand i get it, on the other hand.... i was hyped because ppl were saying she gets this big moment to shine. and granted, imo, she shines every moment she’s on screen. but i think her climactic scene was... *fart noises*. it’s completely centered around finn. she saves him basically, and it’s definitely heartfelt and lovely but also...it’s finn’s moment 100%. because it’s him who has to learn about his own worth. i do think they make a good team and i ship them a little bit, but the one-sided kiss was not satisfying and i’m tired of having to watch my darling woc give their love and devotion freely, only to be  tertiary characters in their own story. like, imo, it should’ve been rose who flew straight into that cannon and tried to take it down for her sister. she should’ve been the one determined to take it down. and it should’ve been finn to save her and tell her they must find meaning in other things. finn definitely cares for her and in the last scene we have of him, he’s tending over rose and waiting for her to wake up BUT. will rose ever be number one for anyone, like the white girls, i wonder? eh, i’m probably just grumpy old aunt. she does get to have an internal world, she’s a believable human being, she matters. the thing is, white girls in these movies can bend their little finger and they’re considered worthy and complex. rose has to jump through hoops to be seen the same way. anyway.

- i liked poe dameron’s arc, which is “hey, maybe i should stop posturing and listen to women more lol” which is “learn when to retreat and stand down” but...honestly, you hire gorgeous oscar isaac who can give you real emotional weight and you just...kinda under-utilize him. yes, he did a lot of stuff, but he...didn’t take time to internalize it. this dude feels like he’s got a lot of demons and conflicting desires and a rich inner life, yet we only skim the surface of that. like, he’s aways in go-mode, we rarely get a quiet moment with him. like pls fix this, episode 9. 

-luke’s reaction to han’s death is pfffffffffffff. maybe we’ll get more in a deleted scene? 

- also....can we stop pussyfooting and legit talk about han as a dad? because they keep hinting he wasn’t a good one, nor a very good husband to leia. but...it’s very unsatisfying to keep hearing about it without good storytelling to back it up. 

- the world-building & the origins of the first order. i had problems with this in TFA and, big surprise, i still have problems with it here. basically, why has the first order taken over the new republic? how did they gain support? were there remnants of the old empire that survived and thrived as the first order? what about the knights of ren? luke mentions kylo took some students with him when he destroyed the jedi temple, so....what about those guys? like, this very fraught and war-torn landscape doesn’t have a solid history. how did A become B? why is every corner of the galaxy oppressed? why are some planets thriving more? are they all arm-dealers??? i find that hard to believe. yeah, we have the expanded universe for that, we have books and comics etc. but i need these movies to give us a sense of their own universe. i’m...still not convinced. 

-lolol, snoke dies like a bitch. and it’s so anticlimactic and duuuumb. dude, a five-year old coulda seen that coming but your ancient super powerful ass couldn’t? laaaame. he’s like “oh, yes, i sense no more conflict in you, kylo ren. just a deep certainty”. YES FOOL, because he’s decided to remove u, because he’s confident he wants rey, and not you, by his side. it was soooo lame. but i guess we had to remove him to make the audience think kylo was turning good for a second there.

-which reminds me... and you probably saw this coming, i hate the idea of “turning”. rey keeps talking about ben turning to the light. and this verb annoys me to no end. it’s made clear that they both already have a lot of light and darkness in each other. it’s about finding balance. where’s my grey jedi??? episode 9 pls????

Extra Reylo stuff i didn’t see mentioned which i adored: 

- during their first force-bond moment when they sense each other, kylo ren runs out of the medical unit and into the corridor like a goddamn luckless teenager, expecting to see rey pop up in a prom dress.  it’s precious. i love awkward!kylo. also rey tries to shoot him bc she thinks he’s actually there and kylo bends down, thinking he was shot. it’s a rly cool moment. and it doesn’t feel malicious like, he doesn’t expect anything less from her. 

- there’s so much charged electricity between them and it’s not all sexual. it’s kinda mystical and i dig it. i’m weirdly reminded of xavier and magneto??? as in two enemies who have such a rich history and whose bond transcends human morality. 

-OKAY. i saw no one talking about this but THAT GODDAMN SNOW WHITE SCENE. so rey decides she’s going to turn kylo to the light because that’s their one hope of defeating the first order etc. luke tries to stop her, but she’s like i’m going after my man. okay. she gets on the falcon, then she puts herself in this casket-like pod and AND. we get this lovely, breath-taking sequence of her arriving at the first order base, slipping gently into the hangar in her casket. and she’s def nervous. AND THEN. she looks up through the glass and there’s steam at first and through the steam we see kylo’s face, looking down at her wistfully. IT’S SO WEIRDLY FAIRY-TALE WTF. and then ofc the guards come in to shackle her. BUT JESUS. the prince looking into the casket to find snow-white WHAT ARE THESE AESTHETICS. it felt like a nod to the infamous scene in TFA where he carries her bridal style. it’s very fairy-tale-esque. 

- i love that in the scene with the multiple reys, when she reaches through the mirror to see her parents, the shadowy figure who appears and touches her hand seems at first to be kylo and then she realizes it’s herself. i also love that she talks to kylo about that experience. GAH. 

- i just rly loved that there was so much humanity in their interactions.

Reylo stuff which sort of bothered me/left me wanting more: 

- like excuse u rian,  during the praetorian guards fight, i needed more moments where kylo looks at rey and is worried for her sake. i needed that fight to be a bit more visceral and about the two of them and their survival. they do fight together and it’s great but then...they’re sort of separated and carry their own small battles (i did love how rey saved him with that lightsaber throw)

- the whole “you come from nothing, you are nothing.” yea yeah, he’s a dummy who doesnt know how to express his feelings, he’s mr. darcy x 1000 of faux pas. but i still think adam driver’s acting went a little much there. the way he delivered that line was a bit off for me. ofc, he follows it with “but not to me”, because he’s basically proposing to her, but i needed a bit more, an extra line from him confirming her importance. or maybe no extra line, but a bit more feeling. did i mention i love wrecked!kylo? the “please” killed me haha. 

Final thoughts:

- enjoyed it more than i expected to, and it does operate with way more nuance than TFA but it stiiiill fell short with some characters. it didn’t have the weight of rogue one for me, but it’s more lighthearted and entertaining, which i appreciate, cuz it reminded me of my childhood. and ultimately, whether we like it or not, disney does operate on nostalgia. all in all, it’s a worthy star wars movie, 8/10. rian deserves an A-. (he also wrote this thing and whoaaa...i wonder how much more ambiguous and dark this movie woulda been if he’d been given full non-disney freedom)

[jimlingss]

:0 yes! I found it! "Though they may not be close and they may be beyond reach..."

oooh. sometimes I think adding the title within the story is a bit lame but I did it anyways LOOOL

myjeansareonfire said:WHATAHWHAGWGAGQJAW WHATT!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?! “Or at least he wouldn’t… /Remember it/” WHAT DOES THAT MEANNNNN DOES THAT MEAN Y/N IS A PERSON HE KNEW IN HIS LIFE ALL ALONG?!?!????? DOES Y/N NOT REMEMBER HIM???? SHE SHOULD REMEMBER HIM RIGHT SHE’S ALIVE!!! WHAT IS THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! OMGOMGOGMF I JUST HAD A MINI REALIZATION AS I WAS TYPING THAT OKAY SO LIKE IT WAS MENTIONED THAT SEOKJIN JUST /KNEW/ THAT HE LOVED HIS WIFE, THE SAME WAY THAT HE JUST /KNEW/ THAT HIS NAME WAS HIS NAME WHEN HE(1/3)

HEARD IT. & IT’S LIKE…. OBVIOUS THAT HOBI LOVES Y/N RIGHT?? SO LIKE….. DOES THAT MEAN THAT Y/N WAS SOMEONE HE LOVED IN HIS PAST LIFE????? OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE!!! MAYBE MAYBE Y/N WAS SOMEONE HE WOULD SEE LIKE EVERY NOW & THEN IN SOME PUBLIC PLACE AND HE FELL IN LOVE WITH HER CUZ SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL OR THE WAY SHE CARRIED HERSELF OR LIKE IDK SOMETHING!!!!!! & THAT’S WHY Y/N DOESN’T KNOW HIM CUZ SHE NEVER ACTUALLY MET HIM OR OR ORRRRRRRRRR Y/N IS JUST PRETENDING NOT TO KNOW HIM CUZ (2/3)

FACING THE TRUTH IS TOO PAINFUL MAYBE THAT’S WHY AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER SHE TALKS ABOUT BEING COWARDLY SO MUCH FGHJLASDSJAKSJAVDJAN!!!!!!!!! I’M SCREAMINGGFFFFF SO MANY PLOT TWISTSSS!!!!! (or not really i just have so many theories LOL WHAT IS THE TRUTH?!?!?!?!?!?) (3/3)

who knows. but I really like some of those theories of yours :)

myjeansareonfire said:How is this even possible!!!!!!!!!!!!! There’s only one more chapter to go but i feel like so much still has to b done!!!! This is like when you’re reading a book & like shit is going down & you’re like omg this is all gonna unravel in a big ole part of this book! & then you realise there’s only like 20 pages left!!! Hffjjakdlshckgkgjjaka!!!!! Ahhhhhvhghhhg!!! Ahhhh!!!!! Ah! I’m freaking out! I’m afraid! I don’t even know what to expect anymore!!!! I’m scared😭 what do you have in store for us?!

._. I really hope the ending won’t be too adrupt for you guys but yeahhh SHIT’S GONNA HIT THE FAN (maybe. can’t guarantee anything) BUT IM GLAD YOURE SO INVESTED

myjeansareonfire said:Omg & can we talk about this wife’s positivityyyyyyyy she’s so strong ;-; she’s trying her best to keep it together and control her grief (greif? I can’t spell) Honestly picturing her reminiscing and just retelling her story with seokjin is just… Really nice. Imagining the way seokjin is looking at her with shining eyes, mouth slightly again, hands twitching forward slightly, wanting to touch her and then realizing he can’t… And imagining him falling in love with her all over again 😪 (½)

Picturing the way they’re all sitting around her, the light slowly dimming as the sun goes down… The wife’s smile lighting up her whole face, the way she laughs at a particularly funny memory, the way her heart clenches at others, the way she fights back tears, the way she caresses her belly as if it holds the most valuable thing in the entire universe…. I mean for her, i imagine, it does. The way seokjin glances down at her belly every now and then… Ahh it was a really nice scene (2/2)

yeah. This chapter with the wife and Jin are very important to both the main character’s development. But honestly, I should just throw in the towel and retire from writing LOL your imagination is quite in depth man, you throw in points to make the image in my own head more vivid.

Also i just wanted to mention the fact that i burst into tears while she was giving birth lolll because y/n told the nurse she was her sister and i started thinking about my sister and when she gave birth and what it would have been like if i was the one to accompany her if my brother in law had passed away… AH i got so damn emotional wow. It wasn’t like sobbing but the tears were just kinda flowing freely… Like, a waterfall? But without all that white foam 😂

And jesus christ every chapter it’s getting harder and harder to see the way hoseok and y/n wish they could reach out to eachother but they can’t ;-; to be honest if you didn’t include the other side characters in here and just focused on y/n and hoseoks relationship… This would be wayyyy too painful to read 😂 (but i still would anyway :p) this chapter has me shookkk especially with that ending 😪 i’m hella freaking excited for the next chapter (and nervous, lol!) Can’t wait!!! :D

aww. man I did not begin writing this series with the intention of making ppl cry every single chapter haha….oops. and I love how you described your crying and how it was like a waterfall without foam haha

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENDLESS ENTHUSIASM. I COULD CRY MYSELF!

(Also!!!!! I forgot to mention this one metaphor you used that i really liked… The one where you mentioned ‘beyond reach’ for the first time. “Perhaps it looks like you’ve lost your mind, singing to the sad moon that hangs alone. But no, the moon is not lonely at all. There are thousands of stars that have spilled over the obsidian sky. Though they may not be close and they may be beyond reach… They are still there.” Something about it is so damn beautiful & is making me tear up rn ugh :’) )

(ok last one 😪 the part where hoseok came back 😭😭 and you described his irises 😭😭😭 and then the way i could picture y/n with her lips agape and her hand lightly going to cover them and the way they looked at eachother ahhhh 😭😭😭😭 the fucking!!! Literal forbidden!!!! Love!!!!!! And the fact that they both have to know that it’s there!!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!! And then the wife said you don’t know what you have till you’ve lost it and y/n had that realization after hoseok came back!!! I’m dead)

Thank you - the metaphors or similes I often use are spontaneous and never planned. I liked it myself too so I’m glad you noticed. and yessss……

Again, I can’t sincerely thank you enough for leaving so many indepth messages for me. I am honestly baffled and any feedback, especially detailed ones like this one, drive me to write more and more, keep updating without stopping so thank you.

[t-shrt]

100 q tag

no one wud read it but ima do it anyways cos fun tag by @dubblebubble

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal than milk cos i love tht crunchy crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? LOVE

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? receipts, pen lol

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? coffee=basic latte/hot tea, no sugar

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? sometimes, not too often tho

6: do you keep plants? no but i want to but ill be terrible at it so no

7: do you name your plants?

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? digital art

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? yes very it keeps me sane

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side/back, back esp nowadays

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? lots lol

12: what’s your favorite planet? earth? hahahah it used to be jupiter cos i loved sailor jupiter as a child

13: what’s something that made you smile today? friend + nct + fics

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? two separate bedrooms, a balcony, good amount of plants, separate fridge for alcohol, sizeable kitchen

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! it rains diamonds in jupiter and saturn $$$$

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? bolognese hahahaha im boring

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? i just dyed my hair a darker ash brown n i quite like it ive been light for awhile

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. one came 2 mind cos we both recently talked ab it, a longtime close friend of mine n i used to have the biggest fight where he threw me a pair of scissors n i threw him a basketball in retaliation lmfaooo it still became a running joke more than a decade later...

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? not really...prolly shud

20: what’s your favorite eye color? i actually like brown hahah, maybe a slightly lighter shade of brown

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. it was a gift from my parents, a simple small messenger bag with a lot of slots, brought it with me literally everywhere, during my hookups, my night outs, been stained with questionable things (its been cleaned lol!).... almost lost it in a club only to be found by a friend... it has foundation stains tho lol

22: are you a morning person? n o

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? sleep, listen to music, watch stuff, not reply to messages

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? no

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? nothing rly comes to mind but im p sure ive been somewhere like tht lol

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? LOL my adidas superstars

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? ermm the red colored ones?

28: sunrise or sunset? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm very good question

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? hmm what comes to mind is the way both of us sometimes exchange goodnight msgs w nct farm emojis heheeh

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? lol ofc....

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. unfortunately im rly basic on socks, u wud most likely find me wearing black ankle socks or black ballet(?) socks nothing more nothing less.......

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. a lot has happened usually during that time lol. duno which story to pick honestly hahahah. i think a memorable one might be when we were drinking n played games and we talked and talked and joked n nek min one by one we fell asleep in the same room hahah... im sure there are other stories tht might be more eventful but fr the life of me my memorys fuzzy rn lol

33: what’s your fave pastry? i love strawberry shortcakes! or mille crepes

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? i kept a LOT hahah. prolly named a few, but nothing was too special. i think it rly reflected how i managed my relationships then, n evn yrs aftwds, like i ws always lonely n my instincts were to gain quantity cos deep down i cudnt trust ppl n cudnt get too committed lololol

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? i wish i was cos sometimes ppl wud make pretty colorful notes, but i usually just buy ones tht i wud use cos practicality.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? mmmmm is it cheating if i say nct cos they cover a range of genres lmao. but their ballads i guess yeah.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? i mean i prefer to keep it clean, but its always really messy HAHAHA ;_;

38: tell us about your pet peeves! 1. someone rude 2. someone who doesnt know how to respect others’ boundaries 3. someone self-entitled n takes themselves 2 seriously

39: what color do you wear the most? black on black on black on black baby

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? an evangelion ring, its the black (lilith) moon with lcl gem in it, to me i guess symbolizes my struggle with human relations, n how eva as an anime illustrated tht n the fantasy of having everyone’s consciousness merged into one--n the fact that lilith in itself (in astrology) signifies the darker side of a human being? i guess n the fact that evn if u acknowledge ur darker side u cud still use it to further urself

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? hmmmm i guess last was a self help book, unfuck your boundaries, helped me support my need to strengthen my boundaries

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! little rogue :) its in a small alleyway, a little quaint shop, easy to miss... small potted plants, with an amaaazing matcha latte

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? siiigh a guy i was involved with lmfao i cut him off tho

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? hmmmmm good question i guess lately ive been very thankful tht i could feel comfortable taking my own time and space, n accepting the positive energy others wn give 2 me. being single really, really does help evn tho id feel lonely sometimes, bc the only weight i carry is the weight of my own soul n i wn learn how to nourish that

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? very i think

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. i have a lot HAHAHA if u were a friend of mine ud prolly get tired of them. a genuinely bad one wud be haha youre so punny lmfao

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? nothing rly lmao if theyre healthy n someone derives happiness frm it i wudnt want it to be banned

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? probably not lol, i mean i think i retained similar fears since i ws a kid but now obviously my biggest fear(s) would be more...specific to me

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? its the digital age baby spotify ftw (in all srsness i wish i collected vinyls tho hh)

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? i used to collect ramune bottles lmaoooo

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? hmmmm nah lets not do this right now lol

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? LOL too many but i love shitpost quality memes tbh

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? pulp fiction. i actually loved it, i think i still do, its entertainment value is kickass, havent taken the time to dissect it in any other way

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? oh man i think it ws the dude i ws seeing lmao fk him

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? a lot, n most of them im not proud of, cos some involves self harm

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? kindness n genuineness, someone’s courage in being vulnerable

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? dont feel like it rn but everytime i do 10/10 will dramatically reenact the lyrics right to the guitar riffs

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? im definitely the wine (aunt) lmfaooo im already one tbh 

59: what’s your favorite myth? Eros + Psyche, Icarus and the sun

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? i love poetry hahah...cant think of any rn

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? id love any gift given 2 me as long as they wont harm me or anything lmao n i dont think ive evr given anything too stupid. well.. idk if this is stupid tho like i sent flowers thanking my ex for ‘helping me live’ well aft we’ve blocked each other off cos the end to the relo was js daaamn toxic lmao

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? nope

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? music i do spotify n im pretty particular ab organizing my playlists i guess. my books im alright with as long as theyre just stacked properly no problem

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? prolly rly dark blue cos its 12 am

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? a lot tbh cos ive rly been focusing on stuff internally

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? daisies, sunflowers, n baby breath here n there

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? somber i guess maybe a tad bit nostalgic?

68: what’s winter like where you live? heeella cold not cos of the temperature itself but the winds thooo, if it drizzles evn in the slightest it feels like needles piercing through ur bones literally

69: what are your favorite board games? i like the game of life, ummm cards against humanity?

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no n never will lol

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? the fruity kinds

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yea def lol

73: what are some of your worst habits? disappearing from people when i feel strong emotions

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. they’re small but they’re so full of love, full of life, full of strength, and full of care for others, they��re the type of person who will seek their goals till the end despite obstacles and still be able to not lose their warm heart on the way. they put so much thought and care to every aspect of their life even when in the past they have been handed some bad things, and i adore them for that.

75: tell us about your pets! none :( wish i have a cat though

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? hahahhaah

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink!

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? neither sometimes i think theyre weird sometimes cute sometimes weirdly cute lmao

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? write up 24 things they love about me to stop me from hating myself

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white. no but if i had to id say white anyways lol cos its a blank canvas

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. i dunno uhhhh her rounded eyes which seemed to at first glance, harbor plenty of wonder seemed to be weighted by many untold secrets, the traces of which could be found when she erupts into laughter where the wonder would manifest itself in the form of small stars in the dark of her eyes.

82: are/were you good in school? meh. i try

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? weirdly i like cigarette after sex’s one cos its so simple yet telling

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? planning on getting an evangelion one, another heart one, a sunflower one, and prolly a ghibli related one

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? manga? naruto 4evr LOL

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? hmmm thinkin of dpr live’s IAOT

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? lord of the rings, harry potter, one of ghibli movies lol

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? i think impressionism is very cool evn tho i dont do it myself

89: are you close to your parents? eeeeee

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Melbourne is a wonderful city where many things could coexist in one--happiness and sadness, camaraderie and loneliness, hot and cold, quiet and full of life, productive and relaxed, bursting with unfocused energy yet incredibly organized, and for many reasons it’s become one of my favorite cities, and definitely my favorite to live in.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? no plans tbh lol maybe home?.......japan? heheheh nahhh

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? it depends lol mostly i guess drowns my pasta in cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? i always wear it down, either straight or wavy

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? a friend of mine

95: what are your plans for this weekend? stay in most likely, do stuff

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? 100% procrastinate lmaoooo

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? ISTG, jkjk INFP, leo sun aquarius moon cancer rising, ravenclaw

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? im alws meh ab hiking tbh lmao 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Long Slow Distance - NCT 127, Four - Sleeping At Last, idontwannabeyouanymore - Billie Eilish, Stop This Train - John Mayer, Digital Lover - Crush

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the past so she’d stop focusing her life around anybody else but herself

[peekiesblog]

Happy New Year 2018—A  Love Letter to 2017, With Love <3

“The Worst and Best Year of My Life”

This is just a normal reflection/rant about Year 2017--it’s not at all bad towards anything or anybody so relax. Also doing this yearly is very therapeutic.

Warning: If you don’t want to hear other opinions about 2017 then stop reading. Have a nice day and Happy New Year. ;D

Another warning: This is a general observation. We’re not shading anyone. If you think so then that’s all on you. ;)

PS: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. CREDITS TO OWNERS.

Last warning: I will be tackling VERY sensitive subjects so if you can’t handle those then stop reading because it’s very sensitive. Also I am not in a dark place—this is just how I think back on 2017. :)

               My now annual year-end annoying rant about how the year was; take note this is just ‘our’ viewpoint not the general public. As a little crab in a big ocean of anything but shy—I’ll be “honest”(Waste. People see what they want to see.) and even have a say on sensitive trends this year. Bear in mind that I have Shane Dawson’s voice in my head while writing this. HashtagNotSpons.

               Coming into 2017—we’ve been more open to the idea of having depression and anxiety,adhd and even ocd and there’s nothing wrong with that. It is coincidental that it’s becoming a “trend” or news started to shed light about mental illnesses at the beginning of the year. I shouldn’t even call myself as someone with “depression” because I definitely did had a very dark phase somewhere in the summer but when life started to kick-in again—I didn’t wake-up feeling sad for no apparent reason, or just feeling useless and numb every morning(was that depression? I don’t really know). But since it has finally been talked about—believe me even I shrugged away the ‘mental illnesses’ articles I used to scroll down to just because I’ve never been in a phase similar to what that felt like or just not open to admitting I have. People talk about depression A LOT and they don’t even know a single ounce of what it is—it is ignorance of just BS but that’s alright I guess? At least it is being talked about with the “Keep Going” movement or all the support and all that.

Also to the hoes(again Shane’s voice talking) who thinks it’s ‘easy’ to turn-off depression just like that? Then why wouldn’t they have done that? You think musicians or comedians wanted to have depression all their lives?—nope.

               I never wanted to make an essay about this because issues like this is deemed taboo and society here doesn’t really take it seriously and they look at you differently like you’re not “normal”(What really is normal?). So people who are suffering from depression, or anxiety, adhd, ocd or any other mental issues; I want you to know that it’s okay to be different, yes it’s hard and makes life more challenging and all that but you all don’t owe society anything other than kindness. You don’t owe them to turn-off your depression just cuz they want you to. And let’s be real—I’m quiet, shy, and very weird(sry just me) so bullying has definitely happened to me; yes embarrassed to admit that when I was younger but 2017 has been very eye-opening. So bullying is a norm—it happens everywhere at any time. I personally don’t think ’13 Reasons Why’(I haven’t watched it sry) as impactful as it is won’t fully make bullying disappear or anything in protest of bullying would but at least it is being talked about and acknowledged and you only hope for the best. I brought-up bullying because as much as how I was bullied growing-up—I NEVER(take note) thought of suicide because as much as how I was that kid who kind of hated life and felt no self-love AT ALL…I always deep down loved my life and wanted to succeed and build something with myself and maybe change the world someday. But I DO understand people who are so stuck in a dark phase that they can’t get-out of and feel the only answer is suicide—it’s not that hard to imagine why they would ultimately come to that conclusion. And I understand people who say that people who commit suicide are ‘selfish’ because they are leaving behind people who love them and a world for them but also I understand why they would snap(It’s a cruel world out there). This isn’t a letter to people who are in a dark place because this would be a HORRIBLE letter to them but just an observation of how majority of society sees things that are happening. But I do want people in a dark place right now to know that as cheesy as it sounds—It really does get better. Believe me it does. I’m rooting for you all and you’re all loved. :)

               Now let’s talk about Hollywood—I’m just a dumb 20 year old girl and have no say in the world in any matter but THIS year it was a lot to take-in. The continued Hollywood name-drops and MeToo movement was so overwhelming as the second-half of 2017 tackles more suppression and hurt. I’m just very fascinated by Hollywood—and no I’m not talking about the TV shows or Movies but the actual Hollywood that’s had so many conspiracy theories and all that sheyt(I am slowly becoming more open to this fascination bcuz Shane Dawson is Kween). They always say sex and money go together and I did always visualized Hollywood as a kinda gross place because it is all rooted in power. Now tbh I never knew who HW was before all this sheyt but hoe I surely know him now—and this flood-gated to all these name-drops every-single day and we’re all SHOOKT(well some aren’t) but either ways it had to take someone to speak-out to FINALLY have this issue talked about which is apparently just a normal thing. Now sexual harassment; I don’t know why I’m talking about this and I definitely don’t know how those people feel…just to be clear. But you can’t talk about 2017 without talking about this—and honestly how can you NOT talk about it? I’ve read few articles and all but not the full details so I’m still blurred with all of it but I will say that my biased self was VERY affected by the ‘Kevin Spacey’ one because let me tell you that “American Beauty” is and still is my most beloved movie of my whole existence. Funny story when I was young we bought a local disc filled with random movies—now we thought we clicked on “American Pie”(don’t judge me with your Fifty Shades of Grey minds) but we ended-up sitting there watching “American Beauty” on a random rainy afternoon and I was dumb and I didn’t care about films back then but THAT exact day changed the way we see everything—it was the day I fell in love with filmmaking and ultimately my TV Show obsession started(How can you judge me but not the kdrama ppl? I never judge them?). I love films(GREAT ones) and TV shows that makes you fall in love to the point of binging the whole series in about a few days. It’s this passion for this art that makes us forget about our anxiety and serves as an escape from reality for a while. But going back to the Kevin Spacey allegations—I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting a little bit but he did handled it poorly and as an actor I still honestly do love him…as a human being maybe not so much anymore but oh wells. And I recently just watched Dustin Hoffman being grilled by John Oliver and it was amazing—this issue makes me so conflicted on SO MANY aspects. I understand that most of them happened decades ago but I also understand how these women/or men feel when those they alleged doesn’t acknowledge it happened—I get the anger and frustration and need to feel empowered. Also the “people who knew”—this one conflicts me the most. Now I won’t say that saying something is big act of bravery but I will say that not saying anything is a great act of cowardice. I don’t think that shunning them away from the rest of the world is the way to go though and also as much as how most of them are men—I do not at all support hate on men in general. Because they can be a bunch of sexist hoes but there are good men out there. This issue makes me overthink so many aspects of every situation and that’s why this is all over the place because there’s too much to say really. So I’ll just say that I live very far away from Hollywood but this break in silence and movement has personally made me love myself a little bit more. I don’t know what the connection of this to my journey of self-love but for some unearthly reason—we ended-up loving our self by the end of 2017. I love them, I’m happy for them and I support them. I never think we’ll fully achieve that “perfect” society; it’s impossible but we are moving forward and that’s what’s important. Hollywood should clean up a bit for a while. I truly believe this shifted society and made people think—so Keep Moving Forward Kweens. <3

               *Also “Ally McBeal” would have had one hell of a ‘MeToo” episode but then I realized they already did. (Season 2, Episode 12 “Love Unlimited”. YOU’RE WELCOME).

               Also I forgot to mention they still have an orange for President. Very consistent BS literally every single day on my timeline—Yea…orange should be imPEACH(get it? LOL I’ll stop).

               And not to mention that I’m very late on this fandom but watching Youtubers this year definitely change my life. Too many on the list to name but honestly I’m very thankful I randomly clicked on one video one day and opened-up a whole world for me. :D <3

              I wanted to tackle so many things but I just realized that it would take A LOT of time to even process everything that has happened this year. I wanted to tackle every episode of Black Mirror S4 and how much it’s connected to reality but that would take-up a whole book so nope. I believe that Charlie Brooker said that 2016 was like a long episode of Black Mirror but 2017 definitely takes that title now. I will say that people online are .0000000001% of who they truly are. Human beings is a very complex species that would take a lifetime to decipher. That’s all.

               As I write this I didn’t realize how long-a*s it was gonna be but then again A LOT happened in 2017—honestly the worst and best year of my life. It started off very dark and feeling lost and useless but slowly believe me it got better—for someone like me who always wanted everyone to like me even though honestly they could give a rat’s a*s about you…well young dumb me realized to f*ck that and give myself self-love finally after 20 years. I still overthink some things and I have gotten into public breakdown this year—NEVER thought that would ever happen but hear me out; a man who you don’t even know being a sexist chauvinistic waste of a person exposing all his power and D*ckhood everytime you come by DESERVES a little shouting back in his life. Dear man, I don’t hate you but you did need a little ultimatum even once in your life—I wanted to grow from that and I wish you will too. Anyways ultimately the biggest learning from this year is growth, development and self-love(this feels amazing I promise you). I still got flaws and I will always have flaws—I have failed so many times in my life and a biggest lie is to say I won’t fail again but you do good and you be better in the process. Don’t be afraid to be imperfect. I also want to thank my patient family for putting-up with me—they are everything to me plus our dog makes me instantly happy to be alive.

               I’m very preachy but last message to humanity—continue to evolve where people don’t have to “come-out” anymore because it’s 2017(or 2018?) it shouldn’t be an issue anymore right? Plus people from the LGBTQ+ are like any one of us—and if your argument is because you’re “Catholic” then your reason is invalid and ignorance. The color of your pigment shouldn’t matter. Having no make-up shouldn’t matter. Being a plus size shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. Being different is beautiful. And having a different outlook on life shouldn’t be deemed indifferent. LoveWins. Always.

And with…thank you 2017. Cheers 2018! <3

Happy New Year y’all!!!

My quote every New Year’s Eve:

“If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn’t bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.”–by Biscuit <3

And Don’t You Forget. That Life is Beautiful.

*inserts VERY random things that makes me happy and think Life is Beautiful*

*inserts every episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.*

*inserts every taste test, Kween Trisha Paytas’ Mukbangs, and worthy gaming videos*

and this.....

Happy New Year, I love and miss you Granny :’)

Love,