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deansapplepie · 5 months ago

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You couldn’t lose each other

Summary: You were pregnant, then you weren’t.

Warnings: ANGST, pregnancy, miscarriage, mention of character death, mention of “putting someone down”, soft Merle, on purpose asshole Daryl, blood, hurt, mental instability, hurt, stubborn main characters, loss, grief, and maybe more. 18+, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

A/N: I never experienced miscarriage and am writing everything based on my knowledge through series, movies, soap operas and books, so it may have inaccuracies. If you are sensible to any of those topics please don’t read, your mental health is more important!

It had started about a week ago, heavy dizziness and morning sickness (which didn’t happen exactly only in the morning). On top of that your period was late, which you tried to atribute to the sub nutrition all of you went through while on the road, but as soon as other symptoms started… you knew it was probably other thing.

You went on a run with Daryl to get more baby formula for Jude and just discreetly added a pregnancy test on your backpack, in a part you hoped Daryl wouldn’t look because he never did. As soon as you got to the prison and had some alone time you risked yourself going somewhere, no one would see you or find you, to pee on the damn thing and find the truth. The truth was… you knew it, you didn’t need a test, you were undoubtedly and very much pregnant.

One end of afternoon, Merle sat by your side and didn’t bother to tip toe around you. “When are ya gonna tell ‘im?”

“What?” He took you back with his question.

“When are ya telling my brother ya’re with his baby?” Your eyes widened at his question. “Daryl ain’t the only one with observation skills. Who ya think taught him everything? I saw the symptoms and the pregnancy test you hid on your pocket the other day.”

“Fuck you Dixons.”

“Ya already do it to one of us.” He sassy replied, you rolled your eyes as usually happened during your banters.

“Soon. I’m just waiting the whole governor thing end. He already has too much to worry about, he’ll freak out if I tell him now. He’ll probably put me on bubble of safety and not let me do anything.” You stated, Daryl could have the rough exterior but both of you knew how he was, how he cared about people. Also he had changed so much the last months, and it was for the better. “Don’t tell him, let me do it.”

“Al’ight.” He surprised you, you had learned how to deal with Merle, but he wasn’t the same asshole as before. Still an asshole though. “It’ll be good have a mini Dixon around. I’ll help to keep ya’ll safe.”

“I know, you can be a jerk sometimes but I know you care about your family.” You gave the older Dixon a small smile and squeezed his hand to reassure him. That had been one of the nicest things he ever told you and coming from Merle, that was a lot.

The governor had asked for Michonne to leave your group alone, you didn’t believe a word of it it, but Merle did or at least he had to try. That morning he disappeared with her and all of you knew what he was up to. Daryl went after them, you wanted to go too but of course he wouldn’t “allow” you.

Some time after, Michonne arrived, alone. You asked about Merle and Daryl, and she told everything that happened with Merle. He had set her free and went by himself. It wouldn’t end up well, you could feel it in your guts, and your feeling just confirmed to be true when Daryl arrived alone.

Everyone gathered around him to know what happened and he told you with teary eyes. The others left to give both of you some time.

“Daryl, I’m sorry.” You said, both of your hands cupping his face, he averted your eyes. “Hey, look at me.”

“Leave me alone…” he grumply answered trying to get out of your grasp.

“We’re together in this, huh? I’m here for you, we both cared about Merle.” He snorted.

“Ya cared about Merle? Ya never liked him!”

That wasn’t true, he knew it wasn’t. He was hurt, he had to put his brother down, there wasn’t anyone else that could do it for him, even if there was… it had to be him. Somehow, in his abused mind, he thought it was all his fault. Merle died because he wanted to be a better person, he wanted to protect his little brother as much as he could in this fucked up world, and that was the way he found to do it. It was just a matter of time for you to do the same and it would be entirely his fault if you ended like Merle. You were the last thing he had from the old world. You were the only good thing he had, and if he had to push you away to keep you alive, that was what he was going to do, because he couldn’t afford living in a world without you.

“This isn’t true, Daryl. You’re hurting, I get it…” he cut your speaking before you could finish.

“Ya don’t. Ya never will!” He distanced himself when you tried to touch his arm. “We should break up.”

“What?!”

“Ya heard it.” He confirmed.

“Ok, when you’re not speaking no sense we can talk, I know you’re not ok, but there’s a limit of shit I can take.” You wouldn’t continue to insist on it if he was going to continue acting like that. You knew he was suffering, but so were you and he was being a prick.

“There ain’t gonna be another talk. I said what I said.” Those words left his mouth as if they were nothing, but each of them felt like a knife in his throat.

“Is it really the moment for you to dump me?” You knew he was emotionally unstable, no one make good decisions like this.

“Did I stutter?” The moment he threw the harsh words, he knew he had got what he wanted, the hurt in your eyes pained in his chest and this time he was sure he had lost you for good.

Since that day, you didn’t talk to him and he also ignored you. You asked Rick to not put you both working together anymore. You moved your things to Carol’s cell, now also your cell. Woodbury had fallen, now the survivors of the town had joined you at the prison.

Your little secret was still yours, or sort of… Carol was a mother. She went through all the shit you were going through, all of you saw Lori going through it. She knew it already, but didn’t tell you anything until one week after everything that happened.

She asked you, “aren’t you telling him?”

This time you didn’t even got surprised and already knew what she was talking about. “No.”

“And when it starts to show?”

“I’ll tell I just fucked someone and was too drunk to remember.” You stubbornly replied.

“You’re being childish, he deserves to know.” She was right, but you were tired and emotionally damaged already.

“ ‘cause he’s being a fucking kid too. I get it, he’s suffering, but he needs to stop hurting people every time he’s hurt. It’s time he grows up and man up.” You said arms crossed.

“You know his past better than I, I thought you from all the people would understand.” The older woman wisely said.

“Carol, I appreciate your concern, he’s your friend too, but you don’t understand.” You said, was it you? Was it the hormones? You couldn’t know. “Please, don’t tell him. It’s not your place to do it.”

“I won’t. You’re the one that should do it.” As soon as she answered, she left you alone.

One week later, or a little more, it seemed like Rick had forgotten his promise that he wouldn’t put you ti work with Daryl as he put both of you on fence duty to kill the walkers. Ok, there were more people with you, but you couldn’t help but feel yourself being watched and you knew the weight of his stare. You could feel it in your soul. Also, you couldn’t help yourself and from time to time look at him, because you would be a liar if you said you didn’t love him anymore or that you didn’t find him handsome and attractive, and what’s beautiful was made to look at.

It was middle of the morning, even though it was starting to get cold the sun was strong for whoever was working under it. You had sweat and few stains of blood from the walkers you had killed through the fence. You were feeling extra tired, you thought it was because pregnant women got more sleepy, so you didn’t think about it so much.

Some minutes after you felt a sharp pain on your lower stomach. Weird. ‘Please let it just be a stomachache or gases’, you thought.

You continued working then you felt the pain in the same place but sharper. ‘Please, don’t let it be anything with my baby’, you thought again.

You kept doing your job, this time more slowly as you felt the pain irradiating through your body, until you felt a stabbing pain in the same place and something hot going down your legs. You looked down and saw blood. “NO!”

You shouted and that called people’s attention Daryl’s specially. He looked at you and all he could see was blood. Did you hurt yourself with the weapon? Did the governor came back and wounded you? Did somehow a walker managed to bite you?

“Nooo-hooo-ooo.” You shouted cried throwing yourself to the ground.

In seconds he was kneeling by your side. “Hey, hey, look at me. What is it? What happened, doll?”

“I lost it.” You said, crying more at your realization. “I lost it.”

“What did ya lose, babe?” He asked, he thought you were delirious due to the blood loss. His hands around your face trying to make you look at him, trying to ground you. He was panicking, where were you hurt? Was he going to loose you anyway and he had spent the last weeks loosing his time with you?

You cried. “Our baby, I lost our baby.” You said between sobs.

It hit him like a punch on his stomach. You said your baby, a baby from both of you, a baby he didn’t know existed, a baby that… his abused mind played with him again. A baby that could be possibly gone because of him. “Stay with me, love. I’m taking care of you.” Who were you? Just you? You and the baby? Was there any chance this was a weird bleeding but the baby would still be ok? He didn’t know. He knew nothing about it.

He didn’t think twice, he took you in his arms and started running. “HERSHEL!” He yelled the doctor’s name again and again, until he found him and had you in the infirmary.

Before getting to the infirmary you had passed out, maybe it was the shock or it could also be the blood loss, you’d never know.

Hershel examined you. Daryl stayed all the time by your side, making questions to the doctor. Teary eyes while he explained everything. You were indeed pregnant, and yes, you had lost the baby. Daryl’s hopes were shattered at pieces, he cried. He the big rough man that didn’t like to show his emotions cried, it was Hershel. He was a friend. He was family after all.

After making sure nothing had stayed in your uterus, the old man had a talk with the younger one. Hershel made sure Daryl knew it wasn’t his fault, at this point he already knew the archer well and knew he was guilting himself for it. He ensured it was something that could happen at this early stage, you were at the maximum 2 months pregnant according to the tissue your body expelled from you. That small tissue was what would be your baby. The feeding poor in nutrients could have harmed your body, it was pretty much a disorder in your uterus so that happened. There was no one to blame, besides the end of the world.

Some time had passed when you woke up, you were as much as clean as they could got you and you had warm feeling on your right hand. You looked to your side and you saw Daryl worried and guilty eyes.

“It’s not your fault.” You said. You remembered everything.

“Maybe.” He said, even if Hershel had already reassured him. “But it doesn’t make it less worse. I could have lived it with ya for the little time we had.”

“I was the one that didn’t tell you.” You turned to your side and extended your left arm till you were touching his face. “I’m sorry.”

“I AM sorry.” He said giving emphasis to that. “I… I dun know what I was thinking.”

“I know.” You knew he was lost at that moment, but it didn’t hurt you less when he pushed you away and both of you needed each other. “Merle wasn’t your fault. The baby neither.”

At the mention of Merle’s name and the baby, your voice quivered and the tears threatened to leave your eyes, and they did. They fell from your eyes and you couldn’t do anything about it. “I ain’t pushing ya away anymore. I… I was so afraid of losing ya too.” Tears also slipped on his face.

“Merle was happy, he knew he was going to be an uncle.” You remembered the conversation you had with him the day before he sacrificed himself. “He noticed it and asked me about it. I was going to tell you when the governor shit was over.”

You also felt guilty about Merle’s death. You knew sometimes he didn’t take some smart decisions, but did he tried to face it all alone because he also wanted to be a better person to his nephew or niece? He had told you he would protect all of you.

You sobbed. You both cried together, now your arms thrown around his neck and your face hiding in it. You both had lost too much already, you couldn’t afford losing anything else. You couldn’t lose each other.

Wanna be added to my tag list? Let me know. (Please tell me if you want to be tagged on everything or just specific series) Everything Taglist: @lilyevanstan1325 @hayley1998 @shadowcitrine @vaniniweenie @cupidelocke

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yyouzip · 11 months ago

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FS pick a pile!

————>>> ★ this reading includes…

- how you’ll meet your FS + your first impression of them

- a description of your FS

- how your FS feels about you and how you’ll feel about them

-what the relationship will be like

-songs with the vibe of you and your fs

-random things that may resonate:

+ a mini mood board :)

CW: very very very brief mentions of sexuality (sexuality as in things about sex and not orientation.)

!! the future is destined to change depending on you, so don’t take this as absolute truth. this is just for fun !!

look at an image, and pick whichever resonates. (it’s totally fine to pick more than one.) take what resonates leave what doesn’t.

pile 1

- how you’ll meet your FS + your first impression of them 9oC, 8oS rx, kingoW. (9oW knightoP 4oW 6oP the world all rx)

so for starters, you might end up manifesting the FS of your wishes with or without realizing. with the 8 of swords rx and king of wands, it looks like you’ll be manifesting them intentionally. after a long journey of manifesting and looking at the big picture with optimism and knowing that this person will come into your life, you’ll be able to sit down and watch them come in without any shock or surprise. you’ll be feeling immense joy and gratitude at their presence. it might have a bit of a kdrama vibe if anything. very cheerful and happy.

your first impression may be/may have been that they are someone who is reserved and unwilling to take risks. they may seem a bit defensive and paranoid and a bit of a perfectionist. as well as someone who comes from a difficult/traumatic background full of conflict and instability. you may get the impression that this person didn’t have a good childhood or home life. they also give the impression of someone who is more worried about taking care of themselves before others. because of this, they don’t give the impression of a generous person. they seem very insecure and as if they are seeing closure or peace somehow. they don’t seem complete as a human and seem to have been broken by their life or the world. :(.

- a description of your FS 2oS, 7oS, 6oC, 4oP, QueenoCups ex, 8oW, 9oS., 8oC

they may seem like someone who wears/has more cool tones? emphasis on the eyes (mb glasses or peculiar/alluring eyes?) someone younger/young looking who wears dark clothing or has a more “edgy” fashion sense. their young look and style of clothing may contrast a bit. they’ll visually have very mysterious and alluring vibe. the kind of person who wanna know more about because they just look mysterious and unique. they might look wealthy and smell very good.

they’ll be very possessive and reserved. unwilling to share with others and refrains from admitting things freely or even speaking a lot. they hide a lot of pain and it overwhelms them. they’ll be very sensitive and dependent on you and break easily when any pressure is placed on them. they’ll still be very exciting and a fast decision maker. who enjoys doing fun things on a whim. just for fun. they might be very fearful and anxious, maybe even to the point of a mental disorder enhancing those issues. the 9oS and 8oC literally popped up out of nowhere and they were hiding in a weird spot, like i don’t even remember pulling them out? makes me think your FS could be the kind of person who hides these issues in particular. they are plagued with the horrible memories of the past and may be prone to nightmares and the idea of abandonment and loneliness is what scares them the most.

- how your FS feels about you and how you’ll feel about them the moon, the magician, 10oP, the fool, kingoP, 4oW

your FS feels like you’re a bit uncertain, and possibly hiding something. this “something” may have to do with something in the realm of loa, shifting, tarot, etc? they see u as someone very very complex and magical. they feel like there’s a bit of an illusion with you and you may be putting up a front. they feel like you’re someone with so much willpower and desire. very great at manifesting and getting what you want and hard work. they think you’re very wealthy and well connected with others. you’re a family person (biological or found family, whatever resonates.) and a loving and kind person with an abundance of wealth and resources at your hand. they think you’re very beautiful and so loving as well as hard working. they love you so much!

you’ll see them as someone who’s very spontaneous and free. they may be younger than you btw. they seem willing to take new chances and a very free spirit. like a wanderer or a traveller innocently stumbling around and enjoying what they run into and willing to accept the world presented to them. you see them as a good business person and an ambitious person. you feel like they are hard working, very rich, and smart. (i feel like you two will be very wealthy..) they seem attractive and sensual to you. they give me sort of of kdrama bf vibes. we’re u trying to manifest yourself a kdrama style romance and fs? hahaha. you feel like they’re a bit unstable and unable to really ground themselves. you feel like they feel unsupported and it makes u rlly sad.

-what the relationship will be like knightoW rx the emporer 6oW, 4oP 8oW

despite the previously stated issues, the relationship will be very healthy and stable. you might be a more authoritative figure in this relationship. w the emperor and the previous cards abt ur fs i’m getting like “daddy/mommy issues” and one person finding comfort in the other for being more mature or a bit older as well more structured. still, energy may be a bit scattered at times and frustrating. it may be hard to communicate with each other and see eye to eye. as well as arguing with no feeling of achievement or recognition. you or they may get a bit egotistic and you’ll seek personal achievement in winning arguments. still, you’ll love each other a lot and want to be close forever and always. you guys may be a bit clingy and very very close. probably possessive of each other. you just love each other a lot and want to be emotionally, mentally, and physically close 24/7! you may propel each other to your goals a lot faster and feel very aligned. overall it’ll be a very emotional but loving relationship.

songs with you and your fs vibe: cool with you by newjeans, either way by ive, basically the whole soundtrack from all about lily chou chou, snooze by agust d, julia and green mile by sza, velvet ring by big thief,

things that may resonate: cats, cars, gaeul from ive (?), the ocean, the sunrise at 6:00 am, the sea again, the number 34, teenagers in love, falling asleep during a long drive, white rooms, accubi fashion, metaphysical stores, stepping into a body of water and its cold for a second

Pile 2

- how you’ll meet your FS + your first impression of them 10oC, 7oS, the empress rx, QoP, AoS rx, KnoW

for starters, your meeting will feel like fate. like an act from the divine and absolute alignment. your meeting will likely be a random coincidence. w 7oS, i see it being the result of sneaking around? maybe you were sneaking our or meeting up with people you weren't supposed to. very "right place right time" kind of situation. you definitely weren't supposed to be in this situation and you likely felt nervous. maybe skipping school/work? you felt on edge and happened to meet this person very coincidentally.

immediately, you thought this person was a practical and smart person. very kind, gentle, and nurturing. they seem very clean and almost luxurious. very goal oriented and sooo gentle. despite this, you likely had a negative first encounter. i think there was alot of bickering and because of this they came off as someone who was greedy and selfish, unwilling to hear from others. they seem very adventurous and passionate with leadership qualities. this is kind of screaming YA novel hahaha.

- a description of your FS PoS, 6oW rx, AoP, PoW, 4oW, KnoW

they have a very unique style of dressing and a heavy feminine energy for sure (that doesnt mean they are female, they just carry a significant amount of feminine energy.) they seem to be a fashion person who is able to creatively make their own unique and beautiful outfits. like the kind of person youd see on pintrest or trending on tiktok. veryyy unique fashion sense with an airy and dreamy sort of feel. like those frutiger aero playlists vibes kinda. and ditto by newjeans if that resonates? they like how they dress and look and dont care what other people think at all. alot of people may dislike their style and even tease/make fun of them for it, but they like it so its fine. their unconventional looks might land them alot of modelling jobs or things akin to that. they also look very dreamy (like their features) and sorta surreal. they give me a y2k vibe.

they're very extroverted and willing to speak to people without any fear or worry for judgement. they're very cheerful and joyous with positive energy all around them. they're well balanced and harmonious, clicking with others very well. also very relaxed and relaxing to be around! they can be very passionate and willing to take a lot of action. i get very smart vibes from them. like extrovert, popular, probably going to harvard kind of person. they really just happily enjoy their life and being alive.

- how your FS feels about you and how you’ll feel about them 5oP rx KoP 8oP rx QoS judgement rx 10oW rx wheel of fortune rx 8oS rx

they feel like youre someone who welcomes them with open arms whenever and wherever. they think you are their recovery or ailment when they loose something. and they feel like you are a positive change to their life/world. you seem very reliable to them and like a stable force in their life. you're very protective to them as well as a strong intelligent being. and to them you're very safe, kind, and sexually attractive. they find you to be very forgiving and independent, able to follow ridgid principles and and be fair and critical when needed. but still, you seem harsh on yourself. they feel like you need to learn to love yourself better and stop doubting yourself as well as stop self loathing.

you feel like they lift a burden off of your shoulders. like they release your pains and worries by being with you. but sometimes, they feel overwhelming. maybe you like to be alone often? so as much as you love them, you can get a bit overwhelmed and fatigued. they make you feel like youre a bit of a babysitter at times and not a partner. you feel like they try to micromanage things and control what can't be controlled, and it's a bit troublesome. regardless, you adore them. it feels like they can be a bit too spontaneous and it feels like you have sudden, unwelcome changes in your life that are a result of them. with them, you think you can release your negative thoughts and embrace the positive. they make you feel like you can run away from the harsh realities around you and be embraced by freedom. when you're with them, you feel like you're dreaming a bit, in a good way. like you're in another reality where you don't have negative self thoughts and your inner critic shuts up.

-what the relationship will be like KoS 5oS rx the heirophant death

itll be mentally empowering, like for the first time the both of you will have your feelings validated. one of you will be more authoritative, but itll be mutually agreed upon so dw. being w them feels like understanding absolute truth almost. like you dont need to think about other things when you're with them. you just need to love them and enjoy it. in a way, its like being with them was the death of your past pain and negative cycles, and reconciling with love as you grow a love for it. you're arguments wont even be like real arguments, just constructive conversations leaving everyone happy in the end. v v mature. you both may be very spiritual/religious and your relationship might be very traditionally. maybe you're both from the same culture or religion and bond over it.

songs w u and ur fs vibe: sex drugs etc. by beach weather, all night by beyonce, get up by newjeans, potage by tricot, future by paramore, mistakes like this by prelow, crying lightning by arctic monkey, promise by jimin, i need u and run by bts, luma from super mario galaxy

things that may resonate: the colour blue, hyyh/bts youth trilogy, running away from home, adventure, spray paint, youth, teenage years, kpop girl group leaders, rose quartz, a mature or older fs w a "sexy" image, friend groups, enemies to lovers ?, reading and intelligence, femininity and sensuality, shifting realities, academic validation, skateboarding in the suburbs during summer

Pile 3

- how you’ll meet your FS + your first impression of them AoC rx the empress rx 5oC rx 7oW the sun rx 3oW rx 10oW rx

youll be feeling depressed most likely, feeling gloomy and empty because of insecurities and self neglect. like very very low mood (i wanted to cry as soon as i pulled these cards bro. like my eyes keep watering wtf. like pile 3 are u guys good???iufyjidsuhy ily take care pls). your creativity may be blocked and you might be upset because of your depression/bad moods. because of this, you may be trying to find positives in life. like going out, self care dates, etc. trying to move on from this might end with you meeting new people. from this, looks like youll meet your fs. and fight your depression and sadness in the name of your love for this person. like for example, u may have no will to go on, but you push forward because of this person.

u might feel like this person is is pessimistic and gloomy. a bit dry too. yet, youll have high (semi unrealistic) expectations for them. like they themselves are supposed to fix you and your life. they seem like they arent punctual and maybe are a bit immature upon first impression. as well as someone who burdens themselves with alot of work. they seem like theyve burdened themselves with too much and now collapse.

- a description of your FS 4oS the devil 9oW rx 6oC 8oP rx KoP 9oC the world rx

they have very very heavy masculine energy (doesn't mean they are male, but they have a strong masculine energy about them.) they have a tired and sleepy kind of look, maybe 'senpaku' eyes. kind of like a billie eilish kind of tired/sleepy look. they look like theyre a song by the neighbourhood, if that makes sense. their fashion sense is dark and edgy, like kind of grunge, goth, emo, or a lot of dark colours and piercings generally. they are youthful looking though. with 9ow rx they might look a bit intimidating and harsh. very very edgy though like alot of dark colours. the image of silver rings and jewelry on slim fingers kind of at night comes to mind. they may like the occult and wear occult symbols.

they might be a bit lazy. maybe they currently work in a retail job or in fast food? but regardless they do not enjoy work at all. "i dont dream of labour" fr. they can rush things and might have a problematic reputation. but w KoP they dont really care. they are a reliable person with a good understanding of business and a secure self image. they are very kind and probably quite wealthy. with KoP and 9oC its like they come from a very rich background. they like to spend money often as they have alot of it and enjoy the pleasures of life. as well as spoiling their partner. they feel very content with their life and wouldn't change how things are, even negative things. still, they feel like something is missing and they haven't achieved much, especially for their age. this person gives me party vibes. somehow, theres a bit of emptiness inside of them, like a hole they just can't fill with no explanation as to why.

- how your FS feels about you and how you’ll feel about them 8oS rx PoC rx 6oC rx the emperor the magician judgement rx

they think you are capable of more than you know, and they just really wished you knew that. you're like, incredible in their eyes. like a shooting star or something. they think you're getting way better and you're opening up to new, less harmful, perspectives. they think you neglect your inner child and they feel like you're using escapism too much. they feel like you need to open up and be emotionally vulnerable with them. they think you can be a bit immature at times. they want you to be more independent and move forward. they want to travel the world with you, and be with you, and love you.

you see them as someone with discipline and authority. someone who's smart, capable, and stable. you feel like they can protect you and be your shield when the world attacks you. you see them as a proactive person who works hard for their ambitions and for the relationship. they're exciting and experimental. you feel a bit 'in denial' about the relationship in some ways and like you've been ignoring or overlooking something in the relationship. its hard to say what, though. maybe you've been judging them unfairly?

-what the relationship will be like KnoP 7oP rx KoW PoS rx

you'll both take your time with it all, with no rush or 'skipping steps'. you may not realize they are the love of your life for a few years, or you may realize it but not take action. you'll both be insanely loyal. like, "slow and steady wins the race" kind of thing. you guys are perfect together and every moment is perfect, so there is absolutely no rush at all <3. but this "taking time" approach may leave one or both of you feeling impatient. at times, it might even feel like theres little or limited reward to this approach. regardless, with KoW, you can both look into the big picture and understand why you shouldn't be moving toooo fast. you or your fs will be very bold at times, romantically or maybe sexually. youll both be very energetic and taking the lead at different times. very cute and very romantic date nights. you both may struggle with communication at times and take pleasure in "being right" instead of agreeing.

songs that have the vibe of u and ur fs: colours by halsey, sweater weather by the neighbourhood but specifically the part after 2:19, born to die by lana del rey, no escape by health ft the nbhd, basically everything by the nbhd, tonight you are mine by the technicolors, we used to be friends by the dandy warhols

things that may resonate: the numbers 1218? victorian architecture, life is strange (video game), cyberpunk aesthetics, alita battle angels, college or late teens, pride, piercings, silver, gray, smoke, sneaking out to go to rock/punk concerts in the evening, beer cans, young adulthood, electric guitars, hobie from spiderverse

Pile 4

- how you’ll meet your FS + your first impression of them 7oW the chariot the empress justice rx 10oS 6oC rx

you might have unjustly gotten into some trouble/accused of something you never did, but you, knowing yourself and what's right, stood up for yourself without shame. in this moment, you succeeded in defending yourself. your fs was likely present, and found you attractive and was amazed by you and your gracefulness as well as determination. you came off as the kind of person who knows what they want.

they seem like they have been betrayed and are exhausted. like they've been through alot and have been pushed around by others alot. the world turned it's back on them and those that love them have betrayed them. they seem like they have a heavy energy and carry alot of pain. with 6oC reversed they seem like they are older and more mature, someone who makes you think about the future, but seems stuck in the past. (iff that makes sense?). they seem like a very independent person who walks alone after being hurt by others.

- a description of your FS 3oW 9oW rx 2oC the moon 5oP rx temperance

they're very confident in their appearance, they may have beautiful eyes or glasses that make them look very nice. kfjshk idk y i get a big forehead vibe from them? haha. they might seem a bit emotionless and stiff, tsundere kind of look. they may look a bit tired and have eye bags. this person's eyes may be very significant. they might have a very symmetrical look to them and maybe pale skin? fs may be slim and have coloured eyes (like blue or green) and light hair. i get some masculine energy from them (does not mean they are male, but they have masculine energy.)

they're very secretive and prefer their privacy. theres alot that they hide and they are a very complex person. they follow their intuition and it often leads them in the right way. i feel like they have prominent pisces placements. they often feel a bit confused and may not be super smart. they feel welcomed by you and are in the process of recovering from alot of loss, greif, and pain. they feel more positive and like life is changing for the best. they're very patient, calm, balanced and relaxed.

- how your FS feels about you and how you’ll feel about them the hermit AoW rx 7oS 9oC rx 7oP rx 9oP rx strength temperance

they might think you're a bit lonely and silent, shy but knowledgeable and deeply wise. they think you're someone who is endlessly growing and understanding themselves. you're consistently looking for new opportunities to grow and searching deeply within your soul for change and growth. they think you have alot of ideas and things to share, but you hold back and aren't saying these things. they think you're a bit sneaky and are good at lying or manipulating others. (not them necessarily) and you're incredibly smart and strategic. they find this (and you) very attractive.

you think they are a bit unfulfilled, and missing something in their life. you feel like they should try and achieve better things sometimes. bc w 9oC 7oP they seem to be a bit lazy at times and a little bit toooo relaxed. with 9oP, u may feel like they may spend money a bit too much and be somewhat superficial. they also may have issues with not being alone and independent, which they're a bit more accustomed to. giving them alone time is important. but they're insanely strong and brave to you. able to face the deepest and harshest of issues without breaking a sweat. you find this very endearing and they're incredibly caring and loving towards you even in your worst moments. you quite literally could do everything wrong and hurt them infinitely, but they'll always and forever love you and hold you gently. they seem very relaxed and balanced, tranquil and peaceful. very patient and understanding too. you feel very harmonious and tied to them.

-what the relationship will be like queen of wands 10oP rx KnoW KoS

the relationship will make you both feel confident and happy. you'll be very emotionally open and not clingy/attached the hip. you'll both have the independence you crave/prefer, and be confident in your love and relationship. you might argue/have disputes with their or your family over the relationship. it may be unconventional or controversial in your community. outside opinions may find their way to you guys and hurtful opinions will definitely cause hurt and discomfort. you may have an open relationship or something of the sort, or a very exciting and spontaneous period in the relationship. KnoW = this will likely be beneficial in the long run. you'll both have high standards for each other and expect the absolute best from one another. you don't argue often as you're able to control your emotions well.

songs that have you and your fs vibe: trash by alex g, advice by alex g, exquisite tension by youll never get to heaven, the man who died in his boat by grouper, blue city by nahee, to us by apro ft wave to earth and wavy, heavy water/id rather be sleeping by grouper, roslyn by bon iver

things that may resonate: the year 2002, liminal spaces, IT department of a company, marriage and kids, nuclear family, electronics, young love, first love, "nerd", napoleon dynamite, south and south east asia in the early 2010s?, "her", twilight

Pile 5

- how you’ll meet your FS + your first impression of them 5oS rx 10oS 7oC 9oC rx 10oP KoW judgement < < < those 3 r all rx

for starters, youll be pretty upset in whatever this situation is. you were betrayed pretty badly and you're learning that winning isnt everything and sometimes situations can be lose-lose. you may be wanting to get revenge or sabotage someone over a hurt past. you may have gotten heartbroken and are now on the search for a new lover. with 9oC rx you may not be looking for something serious, but something that can make you happy for a while and supress your boredom and lack of fulfillment. maybe you want to make your ex jealous? with 7oC it looks like youll have alot of options at your disposal, but alot of these options are like illusions and are not what they seem.

you met in a non-traditional way. maybe a hookup? you think they're controversial and seem broke (compared to you, that is.). like your standards are too high for them. they seem unstable and like their wealth and success is limited or disappearing quickly. they give celeb vibes, and in your eyes they're on the road to being irrelevant. they seem power hungry but its a total turnoff as you can't see them being a strong leader. (you give the vibes of someone who watches the wizard liz haha). they seem like they don't learn from the past and aren't self aware.

- a description of your FS 7oP KnoP the sun KoW KnoW the world 4oW rx 5oP 3oW

very very veryyy strong masculine energy. (doesnt mean they are male, just their energy!) (also, sorry if i use he/him pronouns to describe this person. again, doesnt mean theyre male but the masculine energy is strongggggg here.). they look like they work very hard and are put together and wealthy looking. they alwaysss look good and smell good, youll never catch them lacking ever. idk how to explain it but they look very like wattpad rich guy kinda energy haha. they doesn't need to go all out to look good. wearing designer and kinda semi formal attire? they look stoic and doesn't express his emotions frequently. the looks very wealthy and successful, may have dark/tan skin and has very good skincare and hygiene. they look incredibly intimidating and has a resting bitch face. looks mean and scary but also sexy and alluring. looks like the "strong silent type". i also feel like they have a bts jungkook vibe (this doesnt mean jungkook is gonna be ur fs at all btw they just have his vibe so please dontldksfjhdjsf)

he feels like they belongs where they are, which is almost on top of the world. they've achieved a lot in their life and are prideful in themselves. they've travelled alottt in their life and met many powerful people. their home life was rough and they had a troublesome childhood. they welt unwelcome at home and probably still do to a degree. they may be undergoing hardship when you first meet them, and feel lost, cold, and alone. with the 4oW and 5oP, they may have somehow disgraced or embarrassed their family. i think this has to do w a family business and losing assets/money. i see this family being rich and wealthy (like chaebol kind of thing). they feel restricted and alienated. things aren't moving forward fast enough for their liking and it's frustrating to them.

- how your FS feels about you and how you’ll feel about them judgement QoW wheel of fortune the empress death rx page of wands temperance

they see you very very well. they see you as someone who can take care of business, and change what needs to be changed. in your professional life and love life. you're a hard worker who people always listen to. they think you're charismatic and very confident in yourself. no one can ever deflate your ego or break your confidence. they're very attracted to this and find you passionate and an incredible socializer. i see you as some kind of business person in the future?? they think unexpected things in your life happen constantly and you're very fortunate and lucky constantly. you're extremely physically attractive to them and incredibly disciplined and hardworking. they find you very nurturing and sexy.

you think they can be afraid of change and repeat negative patterns alot. they are unwilling to take risks and let go of the past, which you feel is a source of all of their problems. you want them to come out of their shell and stop living in the shadow of others who you feel are unimportant. "you're the main character of your life, so act like it." you think they're very lively and expressive despite what others think. they're spontaneous and fun. they're balanced and calm and patient with you, which you adore. what was once spontaneous and a fleeting romance/fling (PoW) turned out to be something beautiful and meaningful thats going to last for a very very long time. (temperance)

-what the relationship will be like 10oW AoP the lovers rx PoC rx justice 6oP rx the magician

it's not going to be very easy, alot of work will need to go into it. with 10oW and the lovers rx it looks like you two may be prone to arguments and butt heads often, meaning alot of effort will need to be put into maintaining the relationship. you both are very very physically attractive, and im getting a young vibe here, and alot of money on both ends (esp w AoP) so you have alot of options as far as other partners goes. and with PoC you're prone to getting bored of one person. therefore you'll need to make sure to work hard on both ends to keep things health and even monogamous. with AoP i see even more financial abundance with this union. as if this relationship is a financial investment. you'll be an incredibly privileged couple, able to pay for expensive dates, gifts, and trips. if you don't put in the work, itll be disharmonious and boring. if hard work is put in, romantic attempts and efforts will be rewarding and both will be treated fair and with immense love. one of you may be controlling or overbearing as far as power dynamics may go. and gifting the other alot while getting nothing in return. this might not be bad though. the magician = being proactive and manifesting your desires, so this excessive gifting and power dynamic may be mutually agreed upon.

songs that have the vibe of u and ur fs: closer to you by jungkook, pray for me by the weeknd ft kendrick lamar, los angeles and crown by seulgi, i am by ive, unforgettable by french montana ft swae lee, famous by french montana, escapism by raye

things that may resonate: extreme wealth, jungkook vibes (i promise this doesnt mean its jungkook its just the VIBES so..😭😭), city at night, sportscars with lights in them, the colours purple, red, and green, the wizard liz, manifesting money, rich networking parties, feminine ceo energy, wealthy business people, shanghai and beijing, qatar and dubai, wonyoung

Pile 6

- how you’ll meet your FS + your first impression of them 4oW poW AoC rx the world poS 6oP

you met this person at some kind of gathering, like a wedding, baby shower, party etc. or a reunion of sorts. you were feeling extroverted and spoke to them completely out of the blue after experiencing a series of emotional instability and emptiness. as well as creative losses/blocks and difficulties. you likely flirted with them out of nowhere for the sheer "yolo" feeling. love that for u tbh.

they seemed like they really belonged and were having a good time at this event (im getting wedding tbh.) and they were a very achieved, successful, and strong individual with a sense of harmony and fulfillment. they seemed very witty and funny, alert and smart. able to make a great and pleasant conversation, v fun to talk to! they came off as very generous and kind as well as someone helpful to their community willing to give away their fortune for the good of others.

- a description of your FS 10oW AoW rx 2oS rx AoS justice rx 10oP 6oC rx

they look strong, muscular, rugged and hardworking. they have a larger frame and some masculine energy (masculine energy doesn't mean your fs is male, just their energy is masculine.) they may have prominent facial hair (eg. beard, strong bushy eyebrows, etc.) they appear a bit nervous and anxious. despite a muscular build they look passive, timid, and nervous. they have a gentle and cuter face.

they're smart and constantly have new ideas and breakthroughs. they have an incredibly creative mind and may be an author? they often avoid accountability and can be dishonest and unfair. they have family issues and dispute with others about finances and assets. they are mature and move on from the past rather than living in a nostalgic past 24/7.

- how your FS feels about you and how you’ll feel about them wheel of fortune rx PoP the magician rx 3oS rx 3oP rx KnoC

they feel like you can be unfortunate at times and find yourself in unfortunate scenarios. you try to cling onto control but fate often has other plans for you. they would like you to just accept that some things can't be changed. they feel like you're incredibly talented, but dont use your talents when it'll make your life easier. they feel like you're incredibly diligent though, and have an incredible sense of loyalty and duty. they see you as an incredibly intelligent person who's going to do incredible things one day. like, they see you and think "they'll change the world". they're incredibly in love with you and feel like their world revolves around you. they love u sm.

you think they're a bit emotionally repressed, but you for some reason feel extra compelled to forgive and accept them and their faults or wrongs. you feel extra forgiving towards them. you think they can be a bit competitive and uncooperative, which may be the source of pain and arguments? but still, they're great at mediating arguments and are incredibly skillful and smart. they're diplomatic and resourceful. they're an overall joy to be around and are loving and thoughtful. they're extremely romantic and flirty!!!

-what the relationship will be like QoC strength QoP 2oW rx

the relationship will be extremely therapeutic and loving. a strong sense of comfort and mutual trust will be built, creating an extremely healthy environment. the relationship will not only be deep romantically, but platonically. you'll be the absolute best of friends as well as loving union of partners. the people around you are likely to be admiring your relationship, too enamoured with your love to feel envy. you hype eachother up 24/7 365 and are the source of each others overgrowing confidence. like this is peak healthy relationship. you live comfortable and luxurious lives and are wealthy, especially in emotion and love. with QoC strength and QoP you're likely to live as a happy and comfortable married couple and grow old together. the relationship is stable and comforting with both sides being madly in love with the other and their presence. goals may be reached spontaneously rather than with slow effort and intense planning.

songs with the vibe of you and your fs: rip tide by vance joy, the astronaut by jin, moon begins by florist, everything stays by olivia olson (adventure time), good habits (and bad) by saba lou, butterfly (prologue mix) by bts

things that may resonate: the 80s, backpacking across europe and south east asia, travel, charity, travel to hot climates, suburban homes, adoption, 2 kids and a pet, wealth, hiking and outdoors, forests, 2nd grade, settling down, summertime memories that feel like pixie dust

I hope you enjoyed !! take what resonates, leave what doesnt :p.

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night-night-stories-before-bed · 2 months ago

Text

Don’t take my sunshine away.

Part 2.

Warning; angst, grief, mental instability, mention of murder past and future.

Pairing; Batman/Male Reader (Established)

Note; I couldn't resist and had to make a second part. I will also have a third coming!

Summary; Even if it's been months, Jason is still on your mind and your grief is still drowning you. Yet, Superman found a way to make it worse until you snapped again and decided to give the Man of Steel a taste of the Joker’s medicine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Batcave felt colder than usual as you sat next to Bruce. A little shiver ran down your back and you felt Bruce put his cloak on you. You smiled at him as he kissed your forehead and you squeezed his hand, trying to show your husband you were fine. Even if you weren't.

Jason was still on your mind. Every minute, every second of the day haunting you and his literal last word echoing in your head. There was the anger, the pure rage that sometimes hit you like a tsunami coming from nowhere, leaving you shaking and ready to destroy everything. Amiss everything, Bruce and Dick had been your rock, just like you were theirs. You probably wouldn't have survived Jason’s death if it wasn't for them.

Dick was coming at least once a week and stayed two days, going out at night with Bruce. It was probably the only good thing coming from losing Jason; Dick and Bruce were getting closer once more. The tension between them was still there and they often came back from patrol arguing, but it always made you smile. They looked so much like father and son, just like when Dick was still Robin.

Your eyes turned to the computer, staring at the time. It was very early morning and Dick wouldn't be here until at least noon, but until then you still had visitors.

Clark and J’onn had come to talk, in the name of the whole Justice League. When Bruce told you about it, you guessed the reason immediately; Batman hadn't worked as much with the League since Robin’s death. Not only was Bruce not in the right state of mind, but he also didn't want to leave you alone in Gotham. He also knew you would be way too worried for him, your nerves still fragile. In his words, you were like a ticking time bomb ready to explode and he wasn't wrong.

When Bruce got up, you knew your guests were there. You turned your chair to face them, keeping Bruce’s cloak wrapped around you. You smiled at J’onn when the green Martian waved at you and returned his salute. You knew that J’onn understood your pain, he who had also lost two children and his wife. Clark nodded toward you and you did the same, but you saw something in his eyes and you knew things were going to go South.

You watched the three men walk away and then turned back to the screen. After a few clicks, you acceded to the camera feeds and enjoyed them. Gotham at night was an open asylum, but now it seemed so calm without a trace of crime. Well, nothing that required Batman anyway.

Until you heard Bruce raising his voice, that caught your attention because your husband was always calm. Frowning, you silently walked toward them, trying to overhear what was going on.

- “You cannot be serious Clark. That a low blow.” The voice of J’onn said.

- “That not… I didn’t mean you were going to cheat on your husband!” Superman tried to defend himself. “I meant it would be understandable if you were… you know going to divorce him and get someone more stable.��

You froze, heart dropping in your chest as you felt tears filling your eyes. You never expected Clark to think so low, so badly of you. You squeezed Bruce’s cloak in your fist, feeling your bones shaking.

- “That doesn’t sound better, Clark. He lost his son, his child. That something you can’t even understand the pain of.” Bruce said, venom in his voice.

- “He is trying to make you a murderer!” Clark replied as sharp.

- “Look me in the eyes and tell me the Joker is better alive than death!”

- “You two calm down. Fighting like that won’t do anyone any good. We need to think about his well being too. He is still grieving just like you Bruce. No one should bury a child not lose them like you two did.” J’onn interrupted and you could imagine him placing himself between the two men.

- “If we need to think about his well being then maybe he would be better placed.”

Superman’s reply was like a slap in the face, making you take a few steps back. Biting your lips, you almost ran away, not waiting to know what Bruce was going to say or do. You trusted your husband, knew he would have your back and never would betray you. Yet it didn’t take the pain of those words away.

You left the cave, going back to the manor. Somewhere in the between you lost Bruce’s cloak, but didn’t notice it until you found yourself in front of Jason’s bedroom door. You rested your hand on the handle, hesitating to enter. As much as Clark's words had stung, there was a part of truth in them. Your grief was holding back Bruce and you hadn't made much progress since that horrible night.

But you just couldn't.

Couldn't stop seeing Jason’s beaten body covered in his own blood.

Couldn't stop hearing his last word, him calling you Papa for the last time.

You broke down crying, pressing your forehead against the door and covering your mouth not wishing to be heard. Never again would you hear Jason make a bad joke or see him running to his motorcycle to follow Bruce’s Batmobile. Over were the days you two would pass working on his motorcycle or shopping to find pieces.

There would never come another evening watching a match just the two of you while Bruce was on patrol.

You weren't a father anymore. The Joker had taken the title from you like he did so many others and there was nothing you could do against it. Superman was preventing you and Bruce from getting true justice, stopping any attempt at killing the Joker. It was impossible for you to get better, his presence in your city an eternal reminder of what was taken from you.

As long as the Joker lived you would never accept Jason’s death. If only he could die or disappear!

Disappear.

You stopped crying, tears still rolling down your cheeks as you bit down on one of your fingers as the thought made its way into your mind. It was disgusting and horrible, but also terribly dangerous. Yet it was the best response to the situation and you hated yourself for thinking about doing it.

As Bruce Wayne’s husband, you were as known and as influential as him. His money was yours he kept saying, letting do as much charity as you wanted. After years of being married and living in Gotham, you did as much good as you could for your city. And it attracted friends who were as influential and powerful as you. So yes that terrible thought could be made true with only a few calls.

You took a deep breath and pushed yourself away from Jason’s door. You knew what you had to do even if Bruce was going to be mad at you. It was easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

It was only hours later that you heard Bruce enter his office and approach you. You stood still in front of the window watching the sun rise while drinking a cup of coffee. Neither of you said a word. Bruce simply walked up to you and wrapped his arms around you, kissing your shoulder. You knew he knew you overheard them. Maybe it was your red and puffy eyes, maybe because you weren't in the cave anymore.

- “Clark is pretty pissed off with your stun.” Bruce said, resting his chin on your shoulder, his lips brushing against your ear. “I understand why you did it, but you should have talked to me first.”

Or he knew what you did…

You scoffed and leaned in your spouse’s embrace, closing your eyes for only a moment.

Your calls had worked and everyone was just in a hurry to make it happen. Everyone wanted the Joker gone and convincing Metropolis Asylum to take him in had not been hard. Especially after saying that he wouldn't be a threat with Superman always around. Metropolis Asylum was avant-garde in terms of technology and security and it wouldn't be filled with corrupted employees.

- “If we can't kill him to avenge Jason, we shouldn't have to deal with him at all.” You said with a sigh. “Clark can take care of him and have a taste of the Joker’s medicine. Besides, as your friend he can do that service for you.”

- “You still should have talked to us, me, first.”

- “No, because y'all would have refused and I just can't do it anymore Bruce. I just can't. He is always on my mind, laughing because he knows we can't do shit to him. I have to live in the same city as the murderer of my son and it's driving me nuts!”

Bruce tightened his arms around you as you sobbed, hands grabbing your cup so hard you expected it to crack at any second now. You felt Bruce pressing his forehead against your head as he whispered soft words you could barely hear. It took you a few minutes to calm down and your husband gently dried your cheeks.

- “I am not angry, not at all.”

- “I am so sorry Bruce. I keep hurting and dragging you down with me.” You sighed, defeated. “Clark is right. You deserve so much better.”

- “Nonsense. I promised to love you in health and in sickness, in joy and grief. I couldn't wish for someone better than you.”

You chuckled, finally having a small smile. Those words were like a balm to your broken soul. It has always been you two against the world and you were happy that Bruce still felt the same after all those years. There was nothing he wouldn't do for you just like you got him. You two went through so many hardship only to come out closer.

- “I spoke with J’onn and he offered his guidance if you would have him. He is ready to share his own experience with losing is family and be here for you.” Bruce said, gently letting go of you before he rested his hands on your shoulders.

You trusted J’onn with your and Bruce’s life and mind. Maybe you should accept since there was no one else around you who could understand such pain. There was no one else around you who had lost children after all. Parents? Yes. Kids? Just J’onn.

You nodded, accepting the offer and Bruce kissed you.

- “I’ll let J’onn know you accepted. He will be glad to hear that.” Bruce said, resting his hand on your cheek. “I also kicked Clark out. He won't come back until he excuses himself for his words to you.”

- “Bruce!” You groaned and rolled your eyes.

- “No, Clark is in time-out until you actually forgive him. I don't care if he expressed himself badly, he still said those words and hurt you.”

You smiled, truly, looking Bruce in the eyes. What a sweet man your husband was.

- “Thank you.”

- “You are welcome. Alfred made your favorite breakfast and its ready.”

- “Are you…”

- “Of course, I am going to eat with you.”

Bruce led you out of his office, one arm wrapped around your waist. After months you finally felt like a weight was being lifted off your shoulders. The Joker wasn't in Gotham, wasn't Bruce’s problem anymore and you didn't have to fear something similar would happen to Dick. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't justice, but you knew you could truly begin to heal now.

The hole and void in your heart would never be filled, but as long as you had Bruce by your side, it would never consume you.

#male reader #x male reader #angst #x reader #reader #batman x male reader #batman x reader #batman #bruce wayne x male reader #bruce wayne x reader #bruce wayne #dcu #dc comics #dc universe #robin #jason todd #dick grayson #fanfic

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nocturnesmoon · 10 months ago

Text

And no room for error (2/2)

Pairing: Simon "Ghost" Riley x John "Soap" MacTavish x Reader Word count: 5.7k Tags: Hurt/comfort, Fluff, Happy ending, Established throuple, polyamory, military inaccuracies, Mental instability, Ambiguous reader CW: Trauma, Panic attacks, Paranoia/anxiety, Insecurities, (let me know if I missed anything) A/N: Part 2 is heeeereee, hope you enjoy, I recommend reading the first part first, but I suppose you can read this as a standalone too. (Part 1) (Read on Ao3) -They help you through the recovery process-

It feels like you're drowning.

There's no air left for you in the world. All the oxygen that was reserved for you, has been stolen right out of your lungs, leaving them burning. Everything feels like it's on fire, making you long for the days when any pain you might feel would be so much less.

Someone's arms are around you, but you don't recognize them. All you can feel is the muscle in them, how strong they must be, how easily they could overpower you without leaving a chance to fight back.

They're telling you something, something about being safe, that you're home, that nothing can hurt you. Lies. It's all lies being fed right to you, nowhere is safe, not anywhere has been safe for a long time. The moment you show weakness is when they'll strike, you have to keep it in, keep it together.

But being broken down into a heave of sobs isn't exactly keeping it together. Your hands are clutched against your chest, pulling at the fabric of a shirt that's definitely not yours. The hands that had been circled around your body like a cage, moved to help you pull the shirt over your head and take it off. Leaving your upper body naked, but finally feeling able to breathe, you suck in a large amount of air that almost does the opposite of its intent and makes you cough.

You turn your head away from the world, into the chest of the body that a few moments ago felt so threatening, now turning into a beacon of light that wants to guide you. Their voice fills your ears, no longer muffled and incoherent, but filled with a comforting familiarity.

"There ye go love, ye're alright."

You breathe in their scent, light smell of aftershave and something else that you can't place, but it's familiar it's home. You're home. The realization finally settles itself back into your skull, making your inherent panic slowly make its way down.

When you look up and stare into those beautiful blue eyes, you find an adoration and love that's tinted by guilt and sadness. It makes you want to break down into a sob again, his sad blue eyes and his sad mohawk was making you frown. How can a mohawk be sad? You don't know, it just is right now.

"Johnny…" your voice breaks just as you call his name, you're not even sure what you want from him. For him to let you go, for him to hold you closer, get you something for your dry throat, or to wipe your tears away. Everything feels like a big blob of nothing in your body, something that feels so painful, and yet also feels like nothing at all.

He shushes you quietly, tugging you impossibly closer, encouraging you to cry it out and get it out of your system. You sigh against him, letting your body turn from rigid to soft and malleable, molding yourself against him to get comfortable. Your breathing slows, coming back from your wild state once you realize where you are.

The bathroom lights hit sharply in your eye, making you turn away with a wince. You lay half naked in his grasp, only a towel hastily draped over you, giving you a little decency. Not that it used to be a problem, both your partners had seen you naked too many times to count.

You look towards the bathtub, filled up and ready. It threatened you, looking endlessly deep and ready to swallow you whole. It whispered to you, that as soon as you dipped your toes in, you'd be dragged under, filled around with a black mass until the water would enter your lungs. That no matter how much you tried to rise up for air, someone would be holding you down.

The second sigh you let out is a lot shakier, the panic is replaced with guilt quicker than you can recognize it. Shame creeping across your chest in a prickly feeling that makes you bow you head away from him.

He interrupts you before you can say it, "It's okay, no need to feel guilty." He shifts slightly on the floor, being careful to not move you too much. "Doctor said it would take time, we'll take it at your pace okay," he says in a quiet comforting tone.

"You ready to try again?" he urges quietly, placing a kiss of encouragement to the top of your head. He rests his chin atop your head, patiently waiting for you to gather yourself and give him a response.

When you gently shake your head against his chest, burying yourself into him once more, he merely nods. There'll be time to try again later in the day, all he cares is that you feel safe enough to try again.

The pancakes are coming out weird. Normally Simon would say he's quite good at getting a round shape and a fluffy look, but today the batter and the pan don't seem to be working with him. Maybe it's the stress, but he doesn't want to admit it.

You've been back for a few weeks now, finally back in their grasp, back in their arms where you're safe and where you belong. Though he should be relaxed now that you're back, he's tense in an entirely new way.

He's no longer afraid that you might be dead, but there's a new fear that has taken residence within him. Ever since you got back you haven't been the same, understandably so. You were put in therapy promptly whether you wanted to or not, weekly sessions that you haven't expressed much opinion about yet.

It’s hard seeing you like this, you're eerily quiet way more often, staring off into space, and no matter what you refuse to be in any room alone. It doesn't matter if you're sleeping, showering, or doing nothing at all. The biggest struggle has been on that matter, they support you in every way they can, but they also know how much you hate it yourself.

How you so easily go in a panic if you're left alone in a room, how hard it is to get you back to a state of calm. It's exhausting on your psyche, and they can see the toll it takes on you. It's bad enough they're not keen on letting you out of their sights for long anyway.

Your therapist said that it would take time, but eventually you'd be able to work yourself back to a state of normalcy, and that until then, all that Simon and Johnny could do was give you all the support you needed. And so, they did, no questions asked.

Simon sighs as he flips another wrecked pancake over, the sizzling of the pan getting to him, the noise grating something disgusting in his brain. He tears his eyes away from his deformed child pancakes and looks towards the couch in the living room.

He smiles at the sight of you and Johnny snuggled up on it, fast asleep the both of you. Stray rays of sunlight comes through the closed curtains, painting your cheek and Johnny's chest in a soft golden glow.

Johnny's arms are secured around your waist, holding you close to him, your head on his bare chest listening to his steady heartbeat for something real for your mind to grasp at. You've been sleeping a lot more recently.

Johnny theorized that you're just catching up on sleep, finally being able to rest and recover now that you were safe. Simon thinks that your brain finds it easier to exist when you aren't conscious most of the time. Though he wishes that Johnny's theory is all it is.

Simon knows all too well what it's like to come back from something as traumatic as that. Some days he feels like he hasn't even fully recovered himself from his own past. It's something that still lives with him all these years later, and it kills him to know that it's likely to be a similar journey for you as well.

At least he can give himself the small reprieve in the knowledge that both he and Johnny will be there for you every step of the way, no matter what you might need from them. However, even then it never escapes the back of his mind that it might as well have been their fault that you got taken.

He pushes the thought away just as quick as it arrives, he's already spent so long entertaining the idea, but the facts are also staring him in the face. You had been targeted almost randomly, at least in the sense that it had nothing to do with them or their job. The men had been revealed to have no connection to the 141 or anything even closely related.

More or less, it was one terrible, terrible coincidence.

He flips over the pancake one last time before putting it on the plate with the rest of the deformities. He turns off the stove and moves the pan off the heat, looking over everything to make sure it's alright to leave.

With a sigh he grabs a towel and dries off his hands, walking out of the open kitchen and into the living room. It wasn't any of their choices, this apartment was not the best fit for the three of you, but it was what they could get on such short notice.

Only having you back home for a few weeks now didn't exactly invite mental space to consider apartment hunting. Though Simon knew you wouldn't thrive for long here, you had already expressed your dislike of the bathroom, and of the window placement. It gave him a little hope that you'd be able to go looking with them soon, that they'd be able to get a full new start soon, but for now it was still too early.

He crouches down next to the couch, carefully reaching over to gently caress your cheek. His thumb glides over a forming scar that’s still visible near your ear. His eyes search over your face, watching the way the light falls on your skin, the way your complexion is, the color of your hair. He maps out the way your face looks, the new changes that weren't there before, he wonders where every little new crease comes from.

You haven't spoken a lot about what the traffickers did to you, also understandably so. You said you were working through it in the therapy, but it didn't make them any less anxious about what happened to you.

"Mh…Welcome home Si…" Johnny's sleepy voice ruffs out, quiet and careful to not wake your sleeping form in his arms. He looks to Simon through half-lidded eyes, he swallows through his dry throat, moving just a tad to try and wake his sleeping limbs.

"When d'ye come back?"

Simon let's out a huff of a sigh, a small sound coming from deep in his chest. His hand moves from your sleeping face to Johnny's instead. His fingers gently gliding over the rough stubble, as he watches his partners soft blue eyes get more and more visible as he wakes up.

"An hour ago," Simon mumbles in response "didn't wanna wake the two of ya, made some pancakes though… " he looks towards the opening to the kitchen and winces, "Well I tried to."

"Hm, am sure they taste delicious, like always" Johnny says with a smile on his lips, his eyes closing as he leans his cheek against Simon's hand. It's a moment of bliss for the both of them, their own little cocoon of happiness, all neat and wrapped up with you in the middle.

It doesn't take long before you're stirring as well, sensing both their presences to be awake. Simon retracts his hand when you start moving your head, to make sure you don't bump into him. "Mornin' love" he whispers quietly, leaning in to place a soft kiss to your forehead.

Your lips break into a soft smile, an even softer sigh escaping you as you mumble something back that was probably supposed to be a good morning. Your eyes remain closed for as long as you can stand it, basking in Johnny's warmth and burying your face into his neck, eliciting a chuckle from him.

"C'mon loves," Simon grumbles rising himself back up to stand, hovering over the couch "let's eat yeah?"

The bedroom is dark and quiet, the only noise that could be heard above the ringing tinnitus in your ears would be Simon's heartbeat. You had always loved being smushed between the two, now more than ever it helped you feel grounded, safe.

You had been awake for a while now, softly listening to their breathing, Johnny's soft snoring and Simon's deep air flow. It's comfortable, nowhere else in the world you'd rather be in this moment. You just had one tiny hang-up about it all.

You needed to pee, really badly.

Johnny's arm was firmly draped around your waist, keeping a pressure that you usually liked while he pressed his chest into your back. You could feel his soft breath on the back of your neck, his presence is overpowering alone already, and next to Simon it's always like things are doubled for better or for worse.

Simon on the other hand, wasn't holding onto either of you per se. His arm was draped out to the side, allowing you to snuggle up to him and lay your head on his warm chest, meanwhile Johnny could use his arm as an extension of his pillow.

You could easily wiggle free if you wanted to, but that was the thing. Even though your brain screamed at you to get a move on to the toilet, you knew that as soon as you closed the door to the bathroom it would be screaming for different reasons.

You had a tendency to really hate your brain lately, and a sudden surge of indecisiveness didn't help the subject either. You don't know how long you've been laying here and thinking about getting up.

You had considered waking up Simon, he said you could, if there ever was anything yet your muscles didn't move.

There hadn't gone more than two nights between, before you had another nightmare that would wake you up. They'd always be there of course, either talking you back to sleep with kind words, or if sleep avoided you, they'd take you to the living room to watch a comfort movie, leaving the other to continue sleeping had they been so fortunate as to not wake up.

You felt beyond guilty about it. You knew that their sleep tended to border horrible already, and you certainly weren't helping it. They were exhausted from it, you could see it, maybe even more exhausted than you, and yet they never complained.

With a soft sigh you manage to wiggle free from Johnny's grip, wincing and recoiling every time one of them seemed to be waking up. Slowly but surely, you managed to get out of their hold, and both of them seemingly still asleep.

You could still remember earlier in your relationship with them when it was all still new and fresh. They'd be much more easily woken up by the tiniest movements, always on alert. They still were occasionally when they had just gotten home from deployment, but it didn't usually take long to get them back into that sense of comfort and safety.

The bed creaks as you settle in the end of the bed, crossing your legs and looking towards the little bathroom that's connected to the bedroom. It's right there, maybe if you're quick, close your eyes, hurry and maybe you can be faster than your fears.

Yet not a single muscle in you moves.

All you find yourself doing is sitting there and staring at the door. You've never felt more pathetic than you do now, and it's not even something you can control. Because god knows you wish you could control it, that you could will it away with a flick of the wrist.

Tears press on your eyes, and you snap them shut to stop them from falling. You refuse to cry, not now, not over something that's so stupid to you. You let out a heavy shaky sigh, your hands coming up to rub at your cheeks and smooth out to your neck. You let your head hang low, trying to get your brain to make up its mind.

You freeze when the bed creaks again but not from your movements this time around. You don't need to look back to know who it is, and another sigh escapes you when you feel his burly body mold itself against your back.

His blonde curls coming into view when he buries his head against your neck and places a featherlight kiss to your skin. He still seems half asleep, his body heavy against your back, using you to lean himself against as he processes what's going on.

"Bathroom?" he asks in a hoarse voice, his tongue smacking against his lips to wet them along with his throat.

You nod quietly, not finding it in yourself to answer him verbally, you have no idea what kind of tone would come out from your vocal cords. His arms tighten around you briefly to mimic a hug, his chest humming against your back when he acknowledges it.

"C'mon love," he leans back and rubs the remaining sleep out of his eyes. When he moves out of the bed you don't immediately follow him. Your eyes going back to Johnny as if to check that he's still sleeping, that you didn't ruin both of their cycles this time.

Simon's hand gently cups your cheek, guiding your gaze upwards to meet his own. "He's still asleep, c'mon" his hand moves from your cheek to your arm, hoisting you up to your feet. Once you get steady it moves again to settle on the back of your neck. A soft and guiding grip that he knows helps you relax, allows you to stop thinking about anything, and put your trust in him to get you to where you need to go.

It's a simple thing, not really needed in this context but you appreciate his attention to detail anyways.

You both quietly move to the bathroom so you can do what you need to do. He slowly sinks to the ground with a sigh, leaning up against the white wall while he lets you do your thing. He almost looks like he's fallen back asleep sitting up by the time you’re done.

You slide down beside him, leaning your head against his shoulder before he moves his arm to pull you into his chest. "I'm sorry," you whisper quietly against him, feeling the need to say it over and over again.

"Don't," he stops you quickly, squeezing you closer and placing a kiss to your temple. "You can't help it right now," he sighs and gently runs his fingers over your scalp. "You know that we'll always take care of you right? No matter what you need, big or small it's not a problem," he cranes his neck to look you in the eye.

"I know…" you whisper quietly, "I just feel like I'm ruining everything, nothing has been the same since…well you know…"

"What was done to you was cruel, and completely out of your control dove," he pauses briefly as if to think about the words he's going to say next. "None of it is your fault, a lot of things are different now yes, but it's not changing anything between the three of us, you needing a bit of extra help is not you ruining anything," he reassures you.

You let out a heavy sigh, curling into his body as his hold tightens around you. "It still doesn't feel good," you mumble into his chest, closing your eyes and enjoying his warmth. He had always been a bit of a human furnace.

"I know love, I know" he presses another kiss to your head, "It'll get better though."

A calm quiet settles over the two of you while you rest against each other on the ground. Your hands gently fiddle with his shirt while his own hands tap over your scalp. It doesn't take long before it starts hurting to sit on the hard ground.

"Let's go back to bed…" you suggest with a deep sigh, feeling him nod against you and begin to move to get back up.

You're not surprised to find that Johnny is still fast asleep, having not even moved an inch. He was always such a heavy sleeper when he finally was home, the safety it brought giving his body reprieve he wasn't able to get anywhere else.

Though he didn't fail to notice as you and Simon fell back into bed. He stirred slightly, groaning sleepily as you molded your body to his once again. He pulled you closer, burying his face in your neck and breathing you in.

"Where'd ye go" he asks quietly, his voice breathy and almost incoherent to you. His accent always got thicker around certain times; mornings included. Your back arched as you stretched out and got comfortable in his hold, pressing yourself into his chest while Simon comfortable next to the two of you.

"Bathroom," Simon answers slightly groggy, already feeling the pull of sleep beckoning him back under. Johnny mumbled something in response, but you didn't manage to catch it, already off in your own little world of dreams and sleep wrapped up nice and warm in-between them.

When you finally started getting better, it began looking up again. Both your boys were happy with the progress, and for once, you were too. You still had a long way to go, but small steps, one at a time showed progress. It also helped more of your usual personality come back, and of course not to mention the amounts of complaints you had about the apartment they had temporarily found.

Enough so that they finally decided to look at different listings and get a move on the whole process.

Johnny looked on with a smile, as you quietly went through the empty apartment like a cat on the prowl. It was the fourth place they had been to, each one before you had been unsatisfied with, and though Simon had liked the third place shown, he agreed it wouldn't be enough space.

So far you hadn't had any complaints about this one, it was spacious, had a little more room than the old place, and checked off almost everything in your checklist. As far as Johnny could tell, this could potentially be it.

He could definitely see it, lazy mornings spend in the bedroom, Friday movie nights on the couch, Simon and Johnny baking your favorite cake in the kitchen for your upcoming birthday. It was a life he could envision in this apartment, a happy space that was just for the three of you.

You had disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes now, and it got him curious enough to follow you. He walked over and leaned against the open doorway, his eyes landing on you standing in the middle of the room.

Having sensed his presence, you spoke without bothering to turn around and look at him, "There's no tub." His eyebrows creased, as his eyes scanned the small bathroom. There wasn't a whole lot of space, most definitely smaller than the last place, but not any worse in Johnny's humble opinion.

"An absolute need?" he asks you curiously, making his way over to you and sliding his arms around your waist. You let out a sigh and let yourself lean back against him, feeling his chin come to rest on your shoulder.

"Well, no but…" you chew on your lip while you try to formulate your words, but you never get a chance to finish your sentence.

"Right, I've had enough of this prick let's go," Simon appears in the doorway, his arms crossed and even with the black surgical mask on it wasn't hard to see that he was pissed off. Johnny moved to the side, keeping one hand on your hip as he looked back at his other partner.

"Why what's wrong?" you ask concerned, looking back at his darkened eyes, and crossed arms. As much as you had always enjoyed the muscles on his body, he had a very special way of looking threatening when he was angry.

You quietly went over to him through a few steps, Johnny gently letting you go, only being a few steps behind. "Prick's not worth our time, we'll find a new realtor" Simon grumbles, his stance becoming less standoffish as you come into his space.

His eyes soften as he looks at you, and then Johnny behind you. Whatever the realtor did or said really didn't sit right with him. "What'd he do?" Johnny asks in a tone that's as concerned as your expression.

"Doesn't matter," Simon answers his tone laced with annoyance, "we can find better than this place anyway, no tub." He uncrosses his arms to gesture around the bathroom, your own gripe with the place having no tub wasn't only yours.

"The both of ye really want that tub huh…"

Johnny's chuckle makes you smile, turning around to face him and crossing your arms to mimic Simon moments prior. "Of course, the tub is the most important part," you say cheekily looking over your shoulder again to see if Simon agreed with you.

"Obviously" he backs up you up proudly, watching on as Johnny looked at the two of you like you were ridiculous.

"Well, we better get goin' then, clearly this place would be better burning" Johnny laughs, his infectious happiness making you smile even when he ushers you out of the bathroom. You don't get all the way before you collide with something that might as well have been a brick wall.

You blink twice before realizing that the brick wall was a human, and the human was your realtor. You take a quick instinctive step to the side to get out of his way, but at the same time he takes a step back as well.

"Ugh finally, are the three of you done, I've got other appointments you know" The realtor barely even gets to finish his sentence before he's pushed back by Simon. He lets out a pathetic yelp when he drops his clipboard.

"Now listen here Mark, if you ever as much as look wrong in their direction again, let alone even try to actually insult them, I will personally make sure you never see the light-"

"Oookay, time to go love," Johnny's voice filters through Simons hyper specific threats, his hands resting on your shoulders as he steers you towards the door, leaving Simon to it. Despite your struggling and tries of looking back to call for your partner, you don't get free of Johnny's grip before your out in the hallway again.

"Christ…he's not gonna bash his teeth in again?" you ask nervously, trying to ignore the urge to go back in there and drag him out here. It wouldn't be much use, unfortunately he was a lot stronger than you.

"No of course not…the idiot isn't…well he's not that dumb, I think he's just gotta get the threats out of his system…fucker kind of deserved it," a crooked smile decorates his lips as he gently pulls you closer to him.

"He wasn't that bad…he's probably just stressed" you tried to reason, one hand gripping Johnny's forearm as you leaned into him. You had always been rather seeking of touch, even before what happened, but even moreso now, it always felt nice when they instigated it first.

"Darling he…"

"Okay but still, he shouldn’t get worked up so easily…" you decided on, leaving little room for arguing, not that Johnny ever wanted to on purpose.

"Ah know love…" Johnny sighs, his head perking up when Simon comes back out as well. He had always been a bit prone to anger, most of the time it was a quiet simmer inside him, but occasionally it would bubble out.

It was something he said he was working on, but sometimes you wondered how exactly he was doing that. It usually wasn't a problem, so he probably was in control of it, but it never failed to surprise you how quick he was to go off on someone if they were rude to either you or Johnny.

"We done here?" he asks clearly still in a mood, as he looks between the two of you.

"If you're done chewing his head off" Johnny said in response, knocking his head in the direction of the stairs so the three of you could get a move on. He moved away from you and started making his way to the stairs.

Simon took his place at your side, looking to you with a tinge of concern. "You aright?" he whispers quietly, as if he wasn't the one that had spouted a rather colorful threat to someone else. You let out a small, amused huff, nodding your head yes in the process.

"Yeah, I’m just fine."

"And uhm…how long is it gonna be?"

You're sitting quietly on top of the kitchen counter, your back leaned against the wall behind you as you watch Johnny cook. The new apartment suited you; it didn't take long for you to start decorating it with everything that screamed you. Both Simon and Johnny were happy to see it, it was going really well, until they got called for another deployment.

"Price said it would only take a few days, maybe a week" Simon pockets his phone and crosses his arms. He avoids your eyes like they'd burn him if he looked back, he knew he'd buckle so fast if you were using that soft disappointed look.

You hadn't been happy at all when Price made contact with the boys to let them know they'd be deployed for another mission. Theoretically you knew that they'd have to go back eventually, it wasn't like that part would change, but it still felt so soon.

You had only gotten fully integrated into this apartment for a few days now, and while you had done your best to make it home, it was still new. You didn't like the idea of having to be alone in it for even that amount of time.

Johnny hadn't spoken a word about it yet ever since Simon emerged in the kitchen with the news. Though his silence was a pretty clear indicator of his mood about it. Just moments prior he had been chatting away about everything and nothing, now he was quieter than a mouse.

"Look we don't want to go any more than you want to see us leave, but it's nothing we haven't done before," He moves over to stand beside you, his hand running over your thigh and giving it a squeeze. "I'll help you make a list, so you don't get lost in your head," he adds when your hands lay on top of his.

You both look towards Johnny, observing his movements that have become distinctively sharper. He moves the pan off the heat and turns off the stove, not turning to look at either of you for a good few more seconds.

"Don't ye think it's a bit early…" His nervousness is the first the Simon notes. He knows what he's thinking about, the fear of coming back home to you being gone once again. Simon wasn't too keen on the thought either, but their lives couldn't be stopped completely, they had to return at some point.

"We'll be back in no time, just like usual" Simon tries to reassure, at this point not only you and Johnny, but himself as well. Johnny nods, moving closer to the two of you and settling in-between your dangling legs.

He knows they don't have a choice in the matter, it's their job, it's what they signed up for and they have a duty to fulfill. They upped the security on the new apartment, and they've helped you learn some self-defense techniques, he has to put trust in those and in you. He has to believe that your safe, even on your own.

"Love…d'ya pick a movie yet?" Johnny changes the looming subject that puts dread in your mind, to something less thought consuming. You smile for yourself, turning slightly sheepish as you nod your head yes.

Simon seemingly already picked up on it, chuckling quietly at it "Your favorite?" At your confirmation, he scoffs amused, he didn't have anything against it, but you had been watching it on repeat the last week. He was surprised you were still able to watch it without getting bored, but it was your favorite for a reason.

"Aright love, let's go put it on the TV, let Johnny finish our dinner," he pats your thigh bringing Johnny in for a kiss before stepping away and leading you to the living room. You immediately aim for the couch, plopping down and making it creak a little from the sudden impact.

Your eyes go around to the various decorations and pieces of home you've placed around. You've done anything you can to make it feel like your old place, you knew it wouldn't have the exact same feel, but you could still make this new feeling a good one here.

Simon finds the remote and takes a seat next to you, allowing you to cuddle up to him while he flips through streaming services to find the right movie. Before long Johnny would come in with the food, you'd all watch the movie, talk and joke around before falling into bed, cuddling each other until each one of you fell into deep sleep, safely nestled in each other’s arms.

And even though you knew they'd have to leave on deployment again soon. You also knew that they'd come home safe and sound like they promised, and when they do, just like you promised, you'd be here open arms and warms smile, ready to bring them in to the sanctuary you've built.

#noctmoon fics #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #simon ghost riley x reader #john soap mctavish x reader #ghoap x reader #soap x ghost #ghoap #ghost x soap x reader #simon ghost riley x you #john soap mctavish x you #ghost x reader x soap #soap x ghost x reader #ghost x reader #soap x reader

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alicent-vi-britannia · 3 months ago

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Lelouch's relentless search for purpose in life

I've previously talked to you about Lelouch's trauma through the enneagram to explain why Lelouch refuses to open up and trust others and insists on doing everything alone to feel self-sufficient and strong. I've also used the enneagram to explain that Lelouch has locked himself into a protective shell and is uncomfortable feeling vulnerable because of his trauma and his upbringing in Darwinian values in Britannia. However, I haven't talked to you directly about one thing that is very important and perhaps because it is so obvious I have overlooked it until I stumbled upon a small thread on Twitter.

In the last conversation Lelouch has with his father, Charles nullifies the meaning and value of his existence by telling him: "But you're dead. You've always been dead, from the moment you were born. Who gave you the fine clothes you wear, a comfortable home, the food you eat, and your own life? I gave you all of that. You are nothing to me because you have never existed." At that moment, Charles kills Lelouch in symbolic terms, causing him enormous psychological and emotional damage from which he never recovers.

We have this flashback in episode 7 of the first season and later Lelouch threatens CC with suicide if she does not let him go to face his sister, Cornelia: "Until I met you, I was dead. A corpse that existed behind a false appearance of life, a life in which I did nothing real. I experienced the emotions of living day to day as if I were a zombie, with the feeling that I was dying little by little. And if I have to go back to that, then I prefer… [And he places his finger on the trigger of the gun]." The series connects those two scenes through a Dutch shot focused on Lelouch's gaze. The Dutch shot is a steep horizontal tilt shot that is used to indicate instability or danger or that something is not right. In this case, it warns us, on a superficial level, that Lelouch has felt dead since his last meeting with his father and that he has been fighting against that (unfounded) belief and these negative feelings and, on a deeper level, that this is a wrong and harmful belief of Lelouch's that has been poisoning his mental health ever since.

(It's sad to compare the two shots. Little Lelouch's eyes show deep pain. As the Bart and Lisa Simpson meme says: it's the exact frame in which his heart broke. Teenage Lelouch's eyes, on the other hand, are empty. A dead look.)

There are several moments in the story that give us an idea of the young prince's struggle. For example, in the first Audio Drama, "The Uninvited Prince," a young Suzaku rescues Lelouch from some children who are beating him and reproaches him for not standing up for himself and disregarding the hospitality his home provides him and his sister, to which the child Lelouch replies, "I am here and I will live. If I live by my own strength, then I will never be dead again." Little Suzaku, of course, finds Lelouch's statement absurd and just thinks he is a strange child. But this response reflects the boy's insane desire to be self-sufficient (to the point of rejecting the help of others) in order to feel that he is alive (remember that Charles told him that he is alive because he has given him everything he has).

We also have a Picture Drama (I'm sorry I don't remember or have the exact number of the PD, but if it's part of the alternate universe, we can ignore it because they are different universes that shouldn't be mixed) with a monologue by a teenage Lelouch: "I've made a vow to use the strength I have to save Nunnally. That will be the proof that I exist in this world."

youtube

These words evoke in me a part of Lelouch's song "Back to Zero" (for the fantastic Code Black album in Ashford) in which our hero sings: "Oh! Can you hear me? This fight is how I know I'm alive."

That is, Lelouch tries to prove his father wrong by looking for a purpose to live that reaffirms his existence and, in principle, Lelouch finds it in Zero and the rebellion since they are the means he has to destroy Britannia and create a kind world for Nunnally. And that's why later on he abandons Ashford Academy, the Zero mask and his friends and gives in to depression (in the future, I'll talk about this moment in more depth in another analysis). Then his goals change and his motivations are reconsidered for a series of reasons and events that I won't stop to explain here, but I will point out that I find it interesting and moving how Lelouch goes from clinging to a purpose in life to giving up on it and dying, in order to fulfill his new goals, obtain results and atone for his sins (the magic of a powerful script and a narrative arc, Larry).

Also, all of this explains why Lelouch lost his temper in the season 1 finale when Suzaku yelled at him that his existence was a mistake and that he needed to be wiped off the face of the Earth. Not only did it bring back memories of Vietnam for Lelouch, it was another important person to him who was denying his existence. Suzaku's words hurt him because, as President Snow said in the Hunger Games trilogy, "the people we love the most are the ones who destroy us." I'm not sure if Suzaku knew what Charles told his friend since Lelouch never reveals his secrets to anyone (people around him, including his loved ones, find out on their own), but Suzaku certainly hit a sensitive button that mentally unsettled Lelouch.

Poor Lelouch. He just wanted his existence validated.

#code geass: lelouch of the rebellion #code geass #code geass: hangyaku no lelouch #lelouch #lelouch vi britannia #lelouch lamperouge #suzaku kururugi #charles zi britannia #Youtube

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starrysharks · 4 months ago

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which reassassination character was the hardest to design?

kranken for sure. to me there are 2 phases of reassassination - the "purple and green" phase from around mid 2021 - early 2022, where the story was very underdeveloped, and the "black and red" phase (the current phase) where the story is fully developed and the project as a whole is edgier with a more defined aesthetic. octavia and kranken (then savory) were the only characters of the purple and green phase, and here are their very first designs -

as you can see octavia has barely changed while savory and kranken are like night and day! i think it's because it was hard to make a good recognisable silhouette for him, especially as i started adding more characters (i felt that onion specifically held way too much resemblance to savory at some point.)

as the years went by savory changed almost every time i drew him - he became more desaturated, his age changed from mid 20s to early 30s, he got taller, style changed, etc etc... meanwhile the most everyone else got was slightly different shapes and color palletes lol. i was really directionless at the time and of course my skill limitations stopped me from drawing him the way i'd truly want to.

eventually we got a somewhat consistent set of design traits in order - a freakishly tall man with a spiral motif. i think changing his hair was a big part in "finalising" his design and giving him a good contrasting silhouette with octavia - though he still needs a few tweaks to make him easier to draw - but i really couldn't decide whether i wanted him to be more formal or dishevelled, tho the scruffy look won in the end lol ^_^

it's funny, he was as hard of a character to design as he was to write! if you don't know much about kranken, some of his primary character traits are instability, overthinking and frequent moodswings, caused by trauma both physical and mental (DIY lobotomies, literally drilling a nail into his head, and other stuff i can't talk about cuz it's too spoilery). i had no clue how to write his personality properly and had to write through about 3 slightly different personas (one more serious, one more erratic, one more creepy/peverted) - his current persona is a bit of a mix of all three. he's been through a lot in every category :P

(also the easiest character to design and write was onion. probably because they fall into a pretty simple trope of a nerdy sidekick, which was easy to write off of and subvert a little lol)

#ask zeno #ocs #reassassination #oc rambling #long post

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crystalandbow · 7 months ago

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YOUR STRENGTHS v/s WEAKNESS

Pick a pile↓

Welcome back to crystalandbow 🤍 I hope y'all are doing great! Today let us dive into your greatest strengths and weaknesses. Pick a pile intuitively and check the corresponding message!

This is a general reading, only take what resonates :)

What pile are you choosing? Do let me know!

PILE 1 -

Everything In Time

Strength: I think your biggest strength is resilience in the face of adversity. Despite experiencing setbacks and betrayals, you possess the ability to rise above them. You refuse to let past failures define you instead you use them as lessons to fuel your growth and determination. Your strength lies in emerging stronger on the other side. You understand that setbacks are temporary and believe in your power to shape your own destiny, no matter the odds against you. you know when to disconnect. You guard yourself well & you always try to protect your peace and the moment you feel something is fishy you try to leave the situation asap. You cut off people if they don't vibe with you anymore. "Moving on" is a word that I picked up on, it could suggest that you are always trying to move on, (in a sense of growing) like leave behind things that don't serve / match with you anymore.

Weakness: you have a tendency to be overwhelmed by worry and anxiety. You may struggle to manage your fears, allowing them to cloud your judgment and hinder your ability to move forward. You might need to work on finding healthier coping mechanisms and strategies for dealing with stress and uncertainty. You might also tend to give up soon? Or even have trouble falling asleep because of those constant thoughts. Also mental instability/ lack of "peace"maybe?

PILE 2-

Better Is Coming

Strength: omg the way you just carry yourself 😭 your fierce eyes, your personna, your hair everything about you screams professionalism. you possess the intellectual prowess, communication skills, and ethical integrity necessary to navigate challenges successfully and lead others with confidence and wisdom. You believe in the principles of justice and fairness and make decisions from your brain rather than the heart. Your leadership can be characterized by discipline.the way you express yourself with honesty and precision helps you earn trust and credibility from those around you. Great speakers/diplomats/ presenters also good for politics honestly.

Weakness: fear of change or fear of the unknown. You have a deep seated fear or resistance towards change and transformation. You might find yourself clinging to the familiar/known, even if it no longer serves you well, out of a sense of discomfort or uncertainty about what lies ahead.confront your fears and resistance towards change, allow yourself to embrace the natural cycles of life and trust in the process of transformation instead of viewing it as something to be afraid of or to avoid, see it as a catalyst for personal growth and evolution. You will unlock something special

PILE 3-

Choose What Chooses You

Strength: you have the ability to draw upon the wisdom of the past, whether through religious or spiritual teachings, cultural customs, or personal philosophies. you are a natural leader and mentor, capable of guiding others on their spiritual or moral journey. You offer support, wisdom, and guidance to those who seek it or you like to gain wisdom, inspiration and guidance from your role models and teachers. You listen to your intuition and have a sense of profound understanding of spiritual truths, which serve as a source of inspiration and guidance in your life. Your ability to tap into this higher knowledge empowers you to lead others with wisdom and compassion, offering support and guidance along their spiritual journey.

Weakness: Impulsivity and haste in your actions and decision-making process! You may feel a strong urge to rush into situations without fully considering the consequences, driven by a desire for quick results or a need to assert your dominance. This impulsiveness can lead to a lack of foresight, where you fail to assess potential risks or take into account the feelings and perspectives of others involved. Your eagerness to charge forward with single-minded determination may blind you to important details or alternative viewpoints.You may find yourself easily triggered by perceived obstacles or challenges.

PILE 4-

Enjoy The Now

Strength: a boundless enthusiasm and passion for exploring new ideas, projects, and opportunities! You are absolutely unafraid to step outside of your comfort zone and pursue your dreams with determination and zest.You have the drive and confidence to take bold action and seize opportunities as they arise. Your willingness to follow your instincts and trust in your creative intuition enables you to break through barriers and overcome obstacles on your path to success. You have a natural talent for innovation and originality/ thinking outside the box.

trust in your abilities to manifest your desires and achieve your goals!

Weakness: imbalance in nurturing and caring for oneself versus others! While it's essential to attend to practical matters and provide for your needs, neglecting your emotional or spiritual well-being can lead to feelings of emptiness or dissatisfaction. It is important for you to cultivate a more balanced approach to life that honors both practical concerns and deeper emotional fulfillment. Practice mindfulness & / or self-reflection to identify areas where you may be overly fixated on material possessions or security, and explore ways to nurture your emotional and spiritual well-being. Seek out for opportunities for growth and personal development. By adapting a more holistic sense of abundance and security, you can overcome these limitations that lead you to feel unfulfilled despite the goodness around you.

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watchingblsnowandforever · 4 months ago

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Ep. 16: The Happily Ever After

Hello! =D

I can't believe this is my last We Are post wow- It feels like just yesterday I was here typing out my first one because I had one too many Thoughts about it. Anyways, not to get too sentimental on main, here you go:

Warning: not a very long post, actually 😊😅

The result of long-term exposure to his boyfriend and his extreme levels of cheesiness hehe

Seriously though, I love how Fang is slowly but surely opening up to loud gestures of love (I think previously, he just wasn't used to loving loudly, he was used to loving with his whole heart but keeping it to himself because he never felt safe enough to express it).

I love how they're from absolutely different faculties and are still studying together like yess go besties who are in love with each other but are too oblivious to realise it!

Peem with Phum usually: *swats at Phum at the slightest sign of PDA even though he really enjoys it*

Peem when others say something about their relationship: So, Phum, what do you say, want me to kiss you senseless right here right now?

(And we all know what Phum's answer is gonna be hehe)

Hasn't even been two minutes in the room and they're already breaking into the bed 😭😭

(I really love this scene btw, the simple fun of it, and even though it's not sensual, it's intimate and very them.)

This pair of besties is gonna kill me istg

They keep hitting me with banger after banger of emotional lines and my heart is already weak don't do this to me 😭😭

Frankly though, I like this scene very much, the "I loved you no matter who i knew you as" and "I have always loved you" of it all really got to me.

Poor Tan 😭

That's why you never brag about something before it gets over Tan-

I love how Fang not only lets him lie on his lap but also scratches his hair hehe

And how Peem doesn't hesitate one bit to give Tan a good smack upside the head 😭

AND THE SCENE WITH TAN "ACCIDENTALLY" LETTING OUT THAT CHAIN HAS A CRUSH ON PUN AND PUN STILL BEING SO DAMN OBLIVIOUS I'M DYING 😭😂😭

I adore this scene a ridiculous amount, but I love even more that it was Phum who planned it like yess he's been wingman-ing his phi and friend since Day 1 and he never stopped.

Others have gaydars, PhumPeem have faen-dars: they know when their faen is looking at them or coming towards them.

Not a bad power to have, honestly. I approve.

THIS SCENE.

THE FRIENDSHIP. THE PAST, PRESENT AND THE FUTURE OF IT.

THE OG 5 (note how Peem is sitting at the centre? It's indicative of how he's the centre of the group and if I had to make an educational guess, probably the reason why they're all together in the first place).

This made me cry.

I have nothing else to say about this except this is one of the best damn shots of this show, which is saying something cause the cinemtaography up till this has been ridiculously good.

Of course. <33

And I'll be writing about how they spill the tea about their respective faens

😳

Tan: *tries to be slow and sexy*

Fang: no. We're doing this now.

Honestly though, this kiss was amazing, as were all their other kisses. Hats off to AouBoom, they absolutely slayed.

Et tu, Toey? T~T

Also another very nice scene.

I knew where this was going (how could anyone not after all those 15 eps) and I think Phum would have definitely gone over to sit on Peem's lap (@Peach thank you for that mental image btw 😭) if not for the structural instability of boats on land (I did sit on once with and trust me, those things maybe super sturdy or whatever in water, but they do NOT belong on land, especially not on the beach).

I-

I'll be right there in the corner sobbing my eyes out if you need me.

The way he kept saying his name, like he was actually tasting it, trying out all the different tones, and the way Phum kept replying, all smiles and soft voice, I-

I can't with these two. They're too damn much for my poor heart.

This also inspired another smut fic but SHUSH

No, nope, not doing this-

SIGH.

Okay, so see how Phum says "Thank you for being a good story in my life?" For Phum, having Peem in his life really does feel like a story, something out of the books he read (headcanon) and something too good to be true. But he's starting to realize that this is true, that Peem is here to stay.

Peem says "Thank you for letting me step into your life" because he knows all the issues Phum has, that it's hard for him to really let people in. But he let Peem in to love him, and Peem is grateful because it gave him someone to love and be the comfort zone for, but also gave him someone who loved him.

In this essay, I will-

BROTHERS-IN-LAW.

Also, no kidding, I got a mental image of Fang and Peem sitting and sipping at their drinks while Phum and Tan argue and compete like children, and when they go too far, Fang and Peem let out this long suffering sigh while they try to pull apart their husbands.

Did I say husbands? Oops-

HEHEHE

I didn't see you denying anything, Fang~

got another fic idea but we don't talk about those

🥺🥺🫶🏼

Okay, about that dinner scene. I actually kinda liked it. The awkwardness of it, the halted conversation, the prompted actions. As with the rest of the series, they kept it real, and I'm glad for it.

A lot of BLs, especially Thai BLs forgive the parents too soon too fast, and I really like they did not do that here.

Phum just (sorta) started on this path of being on talking terms with his dad (not forgiveness, or forgetting what he's done, mind you) and I'm going to be carefully neutral about it. If Phum likes it, well and good. If the father does something Phum doesn't like well *looks at two of my wips specifically* I always keep back-ups.

Peem is never letting that go hehe

(I don't think Phum minds all that much now, because he did end up with Peem, fuck you Kluen)

Also I'm two eps behind on Wandee Goodday and I hear Title finally got a nice boyfriend role? Good for him!

FOREHEAD KISS MY BELOVED.

(...should I change my header again? Nah, I'm happy with what it is rn)

I love how even if it was never explicitly shown beyond Tan, literally everyone and their pets know about Chain and Pun except Chain and Pun 😭😭👍🏼

We Are probably has the most kisses out of all the BLs I've watched and somehow the very last kiss gets the Best Kiss award. Surprising, but well-deserved. The kissed like they were dying and Chain tried to climb Pun like a tree, and I was gleefully watching and cheering them on.

You're covering his eyes, when you've literally made out with him naked, that's some hypocrisy there, Q *raises eyebrows*

One word: roses.

(Did Peem ever tell him? Did Phum figure it out? Does Phum give him roses for every single occasion now? Hm... guess we'll never know... Fic writers, this is your cue-)

'HAPPY' has it's special place 🥺🥺

I now know for sure that the simplicity and boldness of this painting was absolutely on purpose. The other paintings in the gallery are stunning.

Friends. <33

Also, due to Tumblr's restrictions, I couldn't add the last pic, but Peem's/Phuwin's face looks hilarious in the very last shot 😭😂

That's all! See you ne- oh, right. Well, see you the next time I get brainrot so bad about a BL I have to write smut about it hehe.

If you got this far, thank you so much for reading! 😊

Here, have 🍛 (imagine it's your favourite dish)

All my We Are posts.

#we are #we are series #we are the series #phumpeem #tanfang #qtoey #chainpun #thai bl #watching bls: we are #let's talk bl

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