#and it’s been lonely and sad playing in the sandbox alone

[vvitchering]

One of my good friends is finally back into the mandalorian at the same time as me and can I just say fandom is SO much more enjoyable when you have a friend to scream about it with ☺️

[sidestone-urban-legends-old]

Sidestone is broken into two areas: the town and the forest. While most people live in the town, it’s not unusual for a few lost souls to live in the forest. Usually those who want to be left alone live in the woods, while those who are more social or lonely and want to fit in live in the town. 

Below you will find a detailed description of some areas that are important to the residents of Sidestone. 

A: Mundane Road

This road is named mundane because that’s what it is. To travel down this road means entering the world of the normal, or at least, what most humans on Earth consider normal.

This road is covered in thick mist. The closer to Sidestone you get, the thicker the mist, to the point where your hands are barely visible in front of your face. This is to keep the residents of Sidestone safe and keeps threats out.

Bless the people who actually manage to navigate the road and enter Sidestone without an invitation.

B: Nightmare Bridge

A creaky, old red bridge that crosses over Nightmare River. The holes in the bottom of the bridge trap the sounds of the roaring river below and make it sound like a thunderstorm on the inside.

Those who enter are spit back out the same side they’ve entered, meaning it’s hard for those outside to enter Sidestone, and those who come in are stuck in the town. The only way to safely make it across Nightmare Bridge is with the help of Thomas, who seems to always sense when there’s a visitor nearby.

C: Sidestone Square

During the day, this looks like just a pile of dirt. However, at night, the sky is lit with floating lanterns, and residents of Sidestone mingle together and converse about their daily lives. Calming grand piano music plays from somewhere, but no one knows from where.

In the center of the square is Spectrum Fountain. The water changes color during the night, making it a dazzling liquid rainbow display. If you stare in it long enough, your true self will stare back.

Festivals are often held in the square, the biggest one being The Autumn Festival. Candy, cakes, and pastries made special for the holidays are often available for anyone to enjoy, and games that capture the spirit of the holiday are scattered throughout.

D: Sidestone Town Hall

This is where Thomas takes all the new residents so that they can get registered to live in Sidestone. The building itself only operates when Thomas is inside, and should you enter when he’s not there, it’s an abandoned ghost building, literally. Better watch your step.

If you are simply visiting Sidestone, you will get a special bracelet that lets the other inhabitants know you are under the protection of Thomas himself and are not to be harmed. Only the wearer or Thomas can remove it. Do not take it off.

This is also where you can go to seek help, whether it be a rowdy neighbor or trouble outside of Sidestone. After all, those who enter Sidestone become part of the family, and family means no one gets left behind.

E: Sidetown

This is the living area of most of the residents of Sidestone, unless they choose to live in the hotel, of course. Most natives to Sidestone will refer to this area as Dead End Lane, because the pathways are surrounded by a high wall, and there’s only one way in and out.

Most of the homes are designed to accommodate their specific inhabitants, so inside the homes may vary. Some have large pools, while others dig under the ground. They all come in various colors, and some even change colors depending on the position of the sun.

For some reason, all the house numbers start with 8.

F: Mom’s

If you’re hungry, Mom’s is the place to go. Hosted by a woman that goes by the name of Mom, this is a restaurant, bakery, hot chocolate, tea, and coffee shop mixed into one. Most of the eating area is outside under a pavilion filled with comfortable seats and tables.

Inside, there are small, private areas for people to sit and relax in by yourself or with a friend. They are often filled with books and toys to stimulate or calm the mind, depending on what you desire.

All of the food and drinks inside are free of charge and all you can eat, so long as you are kind to all the guests who enter this safe space.

G: Stony Playground

The quirky name isn’t for show. All items in this playground are made of stone, from the smooth granite that makes the benches to the gravel that crunches under your feet. The park’s founder, Sarah, designed it to be made of stone in honor of their late wife, who she accidentally turned to stone many years ago. Her wife’s statue stands in the middle of the playground.

The playground features many things you would find on a playground, from slides to swings to a sandbox to a climbing set that towers three stories high. A merry-go-round plays cheerful music as the horses go round and round. 

H: Nightmare River

A winding river that splits the town in half, Nightmare River is the main source of Sidestone’s water supply. Don’t be fooled by its narrow appearance. The river itself is deeper than you can imagine. The main river leaves the town and disappears into Mindscape Forest, where it feeds Nightmare Lagoon with a fresh supply of water every day.

The river splits off and runs through the Sidestone Hotel then goes to an unknown area. Those who have survived being down this part of the river refuse to tell people where it leads, leaving it up to everyone’s imagination.

I: Sidestone Cemetery

Of course, all things have to die, but this cemetery isn’t like the others. This one is more of a memorial than a burial site. The stones that line the cemetery are all names of those who have called Sidestone their home. They are often filled with the names of residents who have been lost over the years, and if you mention their name to some of the older residents of the town, they’ll get rather sad.

However, should someone happen to perish inside of the town, there is a morgue toward the back of the cemetery for those who have passed. To raise the dead from here without permission is strictly forbidden. 

Memorial hours are every day from 9 to 10 pm.

J: Sidestone Hotel

A home for those who are just passing through or disappear from time to time but still visit the town frequent enough to need a place to stay. Run by one of the town’s oldest inhabitants, Cassie, this hotel is the perfect quiet place for travelers to rest their weary bones.

The hotel’s hallways are filled with webbed twists and sticky turns, making it easy for those inside to get lost if they’re not careful. If you do happen to get lost, seek the trail of spiders to guide your way. They are always running to Cassie, who is always in the lobby.

In the middle of the hotel is a lake fed by Nightmare River, offering a place to stay for those who prefer wetter conditions than a hotel room. The small pool of water also doubles as a swimming pool for residents who stay, though it’s swim at your own risk.

The hotel is thirteen floors high, but the doors won’t open on the seventh floor, and those who take the stairs are transported from sixth floor to the eight floor. Rumor has it the resident on that floor does not like to be disturbed.

K: Sidestone Library

Filled with rows and rows of books, the Sidestone Library has five layers and every book known to man. You can either read the books in the cozy reading area on the fifth floor or choose to take them home. All you have to do is find the librarian, Logan, and ask for a library card. 

Every afternoon at exactly 3am on the third floor, a violin will play to entertain guests who like to read to music. The music will be anything from lively to sorrowful, depending on the mood of its player. The music goes on for an hour, when it slowly fades into nothing, much like the person who plays the music. No one knows for sure who is playing the music because no one has ever found them.

L: Sidestone Park

A series of twisting paths that wrap around the center of the town, Sidestone Park is used by those who want to go for a casual stroll or sit in the grassy areas to relax. This is a lovely area to picnic in.

Be mindful of which path you take, for it’s easy to get lost, and it’s hard to find your way out again if you don’t know where you’re going.

M: Sidestone Hospital

For those who are injured accidentally or on purpose, Sidestone is trained to help anyone who enters its doors. While most of the town is inactive during the day, Sidestone Hospital runs 24 hours with a skeleton and ghost crew. The head of the hospital is Mara, a woman with a special talent for creative and often inhumane treatments.

For residents who desire more meaty meals, a cafeteria sits in the basement of the hospital. To enter requires a special key, as Mara doesn’t want to clean up the mess if someone who shouldn’t be there ends up on the wrong floor. She can’t use picked clean bones, after all.

The hospital has ten floors if you don’t count the three floors below the ground. The elevator takes you all the way to the top floor, which is often used to look over the whole town. Residents often go here to watch the full moon rise.

N: Sidestone Theater

A more recent addition to the town, the Sidestone Theater puts on a play for its residents every year on June 15. Mostly filled with volunteers, this three floored theater seats guests of all ages and sizes.

The leader of the theater is a new resident named Roman, who plays most of the main roles, and he is often accompanied by his good friend Janus, who can play practically any part.

The only rule of the theater is to remain quiet while the show is going on, unless you are encouraging the actors. It’s rude to talk during a performance, after all.

O: Sanders Manor

An old Victorian styled home at the mouth of the Mindscape Forest, Sanders Manor has been passed down in the family for generations. Its current owner, Thomas, is responsible for everything you see before you.

The home itself has 99 bedrooms, 24 bathrooms, a kitchen with cobwebs, a grand ball with no dancers, a never ending hall that seems to stretch farther than the house, an attic that makes horrific noises in the middle of the night, rooms that are completely upside down, and stairs that seem to lead nowhere. 

Only Thomas knows how to navigate the house, so it’s best to stay with him. You wouldn’t want to get lost in there, after all. He may never find you until it’s too late.

P: Line of Thought Pathways

A series of pathways that winds through Mindscape Forest and lead to Nightmare Beach and Nightmare Lagoon, this trail is only lit by the light of the sun or the moon. The path is long and winding, and it takes a whole day to walk around the whole thing if you stay focused. 

The path itself is made of dirt, and it sometimes disappears after a heavy rainstorm, so it’s a good idea to only travel the path once it’s able to regenerate itself. The pathways also change a lot, so be mindful to where you walk. Sometimes you can see the paths change before your very eyes.

Some mock pathways lead to dead ends, but these are not part of the trail at all. Be mindful if you step onto these tricky paths, for they will abandon you in the woods or lead you in a never ending circle.

If you stray from the path, don’t worry. If Patton takes a shining to you, he’ll gently lead you back to the path without going near you, but don’t thank him for his kindness.

Q: Mindscape Forest

A protective wood that surrounds Sidestone, the Mindscape is made with a thick redwood series of trees. The trees tower almost a mile high, and they are too thick for most people to see around. They are rumored to be over a thousand years old. Some are hallowed out and are turned into homes by its inhabitants, but they must ask the tree for permission to live there.

Those who don’t live in the town and prefer the solitude of a more private life, the residents of Mindscape Forest are as far from normal as you can get. Most choose to live just how they are and not blend into society. The residents themselves range from friendly to malicious, so it’s a good idea not to trust anyone who approaches you unless you know them personally.

Only enter the wood during the day if you don’t live there.

R: Nightmare Beach

A popular resting spot for those who prefer to bathe in the sun, Nightmare Beach is made of pure white sand and surrounds all of Nightmare Lagoon. The sand is always cool to the touch and is always soft. It’s perfect for making sculptures and castles. Just don’t bury anyone in it.

Sometime before the sun sets, there is a person that will sell you ice cream free of charge. They have any flavor you can think of, and they are usually a warning to residents that the sun is setting and it’s time to leave. Their name seems to change every day, but common beach goers refer to them as the Sugar Rush.

S: Nightmare Lagoon

A deep lake in the heart of the woods, Nightmare Lagoon is a bottomless lake that eats the water from Nightmare River. Many creatures inhabit the lake, but the most notorious is a quiet man named Remus, who protects the lake from anyone who should not be in the waters. 

The water seems to have a mind of its own and produces waves from seemingly nowhere. It’s always polite to ask before you enter the water. If the water accepts you, it will wave its water onto your feet. If not, it will recede, warning you if you enter that it will not be kind to you.

If the water likes you, its said that it will gift you a pearl from the dark depths that is more valuable than gold.

[mindwideopen]

What do you do, when you feel..... ALONE? Well, Grover has some ideas. He sings, and dances, and even pretends to fly. But then he feels sad, and lonely, and misses... me, and he wishes I was there with him, to do all those things with him. But I’m not there. Because he recorded this album in 1974, and that was the year I was born, so I was busy doing that.

Grover makes a great point. Sometimes we’re ok spending time with others and by ourselves. Sometimes we can be around a ton of people, in a huge crowd, or at a party, or anywhere, and still feel alone. Or, the flip side to this album, not sure, but the flip side to my point definitely, is that we can be alone, and choose to feel, content, happy, and at peace with ourselves.

We have sooooo much power! We can’t necessarily fly literally (if you are a pilot, or take an aircraft, I stand corrected) but you can take off in your mind to a place of tranquility any time you’d like, no matter what the outside circumstances may be. The flight, is up to you. You can go to bora bora! Or, ass gulch. I vote for bora bora! A place I only know the name of. I should look it up! I have no clue where the geographical location is, nor do I know if it’s a good place to visit, but I hear that’s it’s tropical, and a delightful place to vacation, so that’s worth thinking about. Good things, are worth thinking about.

Grover is my absolute favorite muppet of all time. He is basically a paired down version of me. He has ups and downs, ins and outs, big feelings and emotions. But, unlike Grover, I don’t usually wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. I used to more, but I’ve retreated. Grover is a lot braver than I am. He creates a space of safety for himself in his head to be able to express his feelings honestly to all of us. He misses us, he loves us, and he wishes that he can spend his time with us, having fun, and loving. What a sweetheart he is!

When I was younger, I used to think that someone from Sesame Street was going to come to get me, so I could visit. True story. I was eventually disappointed, because that never happened. But I wanted to swing on that big tire they had there in the opening credits, and run and laugh with all the kids running around on the black top, or in the park. They looked like a fun group. I was an only child til I was 10, and basically hung out with adults. Back in the day, people didn’t really set up play dates. So, I had Sesame Street, and my sandbox, and my big imagination.

I went on tiger hunts with Ernie and Bert, and I swam in the jungles, and climbed trees, and sang and danced with all the kids from my grandparent’s living room. Fuck. This story is super depressing, or not, depending on how you view it. Being alone doesn’t have to be sad, or lonely. It can be, exhilarating!

I did a ton of reading as a kid. I used to disappear into my cubby hole that I decorated with my drawings and books, and stuffed animals, and read for hours on end. I also had another hiding spot. It was underneath my dressing table in my room. It had curtains, and was a perfect place to make my little nest, and read, and dream about who I wanted to be. I experienced a lot vicariously through the books I read. Louisa May Alcott, girl of old Boston. Anne of green gables, Judy Blume books, Beverly clearly just to name a few. I never felt lonely with them. I felt like i was with them, living all of their adventures too.

One of my favorite books as a kid was, “the monster at the end of this book.” By Jon Stone, illustrated by mike smollin. I still have my copy. It’s ripped cause I got overzealous about guarding Grover from the outcome. The synopsis is simple. Grover, the monster you see above, was nervous about getting to the end of the book, because he had heard that there was a monster there. He wasn’t into it. He was afraid of monsters. So the whole book was about getting us, the reader, to stop reading, and to stop turning the pages. Well, to me, that was all he had to say. I loved Grover, and I used to argue that we should adhere to his advice, and not turn the pages. Well, the adults reading it with me decided we should, even at my insistence, so we continued. I won’t give the end away, but it’s pretty great. The fear that Grover had throughout the entire book? Unfounded. But, the fear he had during the process of the book... real.

What we feel, is real to us, whether it’s founded in reality or not. So why not choose to love, and to feel peace in the moment, as opposed to not? Grover is my hero in a lot of ways. He loves sooooooo much, and he’s not embarrassed or ashamed to show it, no matter how nutty he gets, or what anyone has to say about him. He is steeped in the knowing of love. And his life is the product of that love. I don’t know what his apartment or house looks like, but I picture it really cozy, with lots of love surrounding him.

Grover will always be my first love. But I have lots of other loves. People are good, and I love them. And some need more love shown to them than others, and that’s ok too. Sometimes love isn’t 50/50. In relationships some need more, depending on how they feel within themselves. Maybe it’s 80/20, or even 100/0. But eventually the love balances out. Because the love you can give to another, pays you back too. The love we all share, is the love that’s real. The rest, can go scratch. That’s not a Grover thing to say, but it’s my truth.

Sometimes I get pissed when people don’t show me the same love, giving or consideration that I show them. But I’m starting to realize that it all comes out in the wash. Love is an energy that is never ceasing. And Jimi Hendrix the awesome guitarist likened it to, “going to the well”, and replenishing. See, that’s love. Love, God, the universe, spirit, however you want to define it, it’s ultimately the same thing. Love is, the energy of evolution. It’s the movement to more. It’s the creation of life, and its ever present expansion. So why not create a world from within, that you want to experience?

Life isn’t always going to present you the exact same thing you’re asking for, but how you decide to react to it, is what you’ll end up getting out of it, no matter what. So things can suck sometimes. It’s true. The contrast, (meaning the ass things you may experience in life) is there for you to learn what you do like, and either focus on that, or more of the lamenting of the ass thing that’s been dealt. See, life is really cool like that. When an ass thing occurs, it’s only at the moment it actually occurred. But it’s our choice whether to stay in the moment or not.

Grover and I dig each other a ton. He’s my guy. I will always love him, no matter what. So I’ve decided that if he ever does show up to my house, and throat punch me, we’ll still be cool afterwards, cause I trust and love him. Will I fight back? Probably. But the point is is that the throat punch is a moment in time, and the rest, would be up to me, and the police after they’ve been called to break up the brawl. I kid. Grover and I will never go there. Because of the respect and love we have for one another, it would never escalate to that point.

Talking things out? Not my forte as of late. I’ve fallen out with so many people in the last 6 months it’s kind of insane. But I’m also human, and in need of love and understanding with my process of hurt. And I’m forgiving myself, and accepting my own apologies from the ones I didn’t get from others. Self love allows for that. It takes care of you when you find that the outside doesn’t.

So the next time you’re feeling alone and lonely, think about Grover, and what he does to take care of himself. He does the things he loves, and focuses on loving things. I promise you, the more you practice that, the easier it will be to be happy alone, and with other people too. ❤️

[kills0-and-other-things-i-write]

Childhood Compulsions

I wrote a short side story about how Mera and Sienna first met! Warning, it’s kinda sad....The rest is below the cut

         Idealizing perfection, she was nothing more than a fool who tried so hard just to end up useless.

         Mera was 6 when she first met Sienna. The transfer student, placed in her first grade class two months into the year. She was a refined child; a picture of obedient as she stood there, posture straight and buttoned clothing ironed. A sweet and lovely voice as she calmly introduced herself.

        Sienna was brilliant without effort. She made friends with the entire class with ease. She was ‘good’ without a single stumble.

        And Mera, who was never the popular one, who had no friends, no sports, who could only ever measure up when she clawed her way to a title, ‘teacher’s pet’— Mera, who quickly learned that Sienna was smarter than her without toil, who so easily earned the teacher’s kind praise, found that the only things she had ever prided herself on, the only aspects of her she’d ever learned to like, were crushed before her.

        Everything she’d ever fought for, the only thing she could hold onto was so easily ripped from her by a girl who never spared her a second glance.

        …Perhaps that was why resentment began to blossom within her. Why slowly, she found herself holding disdain behind her fragile, aching, heart.        Perhaps, but-

         Perhaps it was because Mera had never liked liars.

                                                             ****

         Sienna was 7 when she first met Mera. Standing before a class full of her peers, introducing herself with the lines she’d brought from home, smiling as she’d always practiced to. The class was kind, asking questions about her life, about her home and self.

         Her bow, tied neatly around her neck by mother, asserted it’s presence with every word she spoke. Like a promise that her very words were bound to suffocate her.

         Mera was a quiet kid sitting in the back. She went almost entirely unnoticed by the others, quiet, even when she held her hand high. Even when the teacher failed to realize it. Even when that girl slowly retracted it, curling up on herself in her seat.

         Perhaps that was why jealousy began to grow within her. The whisper on the wall, the buzzing in her constricting chest. Perhaps it was because she looked at Mera’s miserable face, the way tears began to form on her invisible features, and wondered why she would never be lucky enough to just disappear.

         Perhaps that was why she couldn’t bear to tell her mom about the girl in her class who seemed to look right through her.

                                                           ***

         It was in the second grade when they first spoke with one another. Beyond gazes, both lingering for their own spiteful reasons, the two had never so much as brushed hands. Their first true exchange didn’t go well.

         On the playground sandbox, sitting beside the slide, watching the darkness creep into her heart without a single way to beat it back. The other kids were silent. Until her eyes were stained with tears, until she sat crying.

         Maybe it was because she’d built the other girl into a villain.  Maybe it was because she hated, more than anything, people who didn’t care about other’s. Maybe it was because those words struck too true; Mera couldn’t tell you why she broke down that day. She couldn’t tell you why sienna had come by. Or why the other girl seemed to stare with a hatred that should have been her own.

         She only knew what happened.

         Another recess spent alone. Beneath the old trees that guarded her secrets; beneath the shade and breeze she read by, turning another page of her book as she shut out the noise of the day. A kid ran past her, another girl she knew in passing, with a message. “There’s a lizard on the slide.” She stared like she expected something. 

        Mera glanced back to the slide, a jungle gym bustling with loud, annoying, students. People with whom she’d never fit in. She followed the strange girl to the slide.

         A gecko crawled across the plastic. Mera watched it carefully, tracking it’s movement. The girl smiled and left. A couple of boys ran up, also watching the gecko. Perhaps that was the problem, another kid butting into something she’d found first and forcing his way into it. Perhaps she was just selfish.

         When that boy reached for the gecko, she smacked his hand. He yelped, yelling at her. She whispered furiously back. Another boy tried to grab it. This time, she threatened to kick him. They wanted to show it to their friends, and she didn’t want them to hurt it. It was just another childish argument until she came.

         Miss perfect, her collar buttoned all the way up, a book held in her hands. “What’s going on here?”

       “She won’t let us look at the lizard!”

       “You wanted to grab it, not look!”

       “She hit me! I would’ve been gentle.”

       Sienna took it in, cold eyes analyzing each participant until they landed on Mera. Then her smile faded, her calm replaced by cold as she stepped closer.

       “Why wouldn’t you let them grab it? Hitting people is very bad. You aren’t being very nice. Would you like it if someone hit you?”

        Each sentence came with a flinch, a tensing of her heart as Mera wondered just why, why Sienna was so desperate to drive home a point she didn’t even seem to care about.

        So she said something she shouldn’t have. “Would you like it if someone grabbed you when you were just walking?” Her composure breaking, “Why did you come over here? Is it because you actually care, or is it just because you’re upset that I’m actually allowed to be human?”

        When she saw Sienna flinch, the cruel, vicious, hurt voice in her heart commanded her to continue, “Because I’m actually not too afraid to express myself?”

        She didn’t know what she was saying, then. Didn’t know why. If she had to say, it was because she’d seen before the falsity of that smile, heard the words Sienna responded to criticism with— and knew what they meant because they were the same as hers.

        Exactly the person she learned to hate ever since Sienna had entered her sight.

        Exactly like herself.

        Sienna’s grip tightened on her book. Teeth grit as she leaned in close and whispered, “At least someone would notice if I disappeared.”

        For some reason, that quiet sentence seemed to break two hearts.

                                                              ***

         Why wouldn’t that quiet, negligible girl just believe her like everyone else? 

         This was the painful truth Sienna could not escape. In every exchange, every word, she could feel how easily that girl could pierce her mask. Mera kept looking at parts of her that she didn’t want seen.

         And she didn’t even seem to know it.

         So why, on that day, did she save that girl?

         Another quiet day after school, waiting on the playground for her mother to pick her up. She was running late that day, late enough that the grounds had already begun to evacuate. The sky was turning orange, and the air too cold for her thin sweater to negate. She could’ve called her mother’s secretary for a ride, but sometimes the space away from everyone was nice.

         Until she heard a cat call out, small hushed voices from around the corner. She set her book down, searching for the noise-

         Only to find Mera surrounded by a group of boys. Her nose was bleeding as she backed against the school fence, and Sienna didn’t need to know anything else.

         It was the first fight she’d ever gotten in.          It wasn’t very hard.

         Before long she stood above the last of them as he scrambled away, watching Mera from the corner of her eye. The girl was shaking as she stepped forward. “I should go back to my parents.” She looked down, “Thank you.”

         “Don’t worry about it.” Sienna clenched her fist, letting the adrenaline rush over her. It made her bolder, let her speak the words that she’d wanted to for so long, “If you’re really grateful… then please stop looking through me.  I don’t like it that you can see me so easily, even less so when you comment on it.”

          “I’m- sorry… about that. I’ll stop.” She ran away, looking back just once. “Thank you.”

          She didn’t have to say it twice.

          Sienna called her mother’s secretary in the end. She didn’t want to have to explain why her fists were bruised, or why her hair as in such disarray. She’d get in so much trouble for it. Her mother would find out, she always did-

          But she had to do something.

          She only knew some of the details. Mera had come for a teacher-parent appointment, one that she was made to stay outside of at the moment. She’d found the cat and wanted to play with it. And past that point, she refused to speak on the matter.

           That was fine. Surely, because all Sienna wanted was this frustrating girl out of her life.

           She didn’t need to know more.

           ....Mera wasn’t the same after that. She was still quiet, still smart, but she watched rooms with flickering eyes, constantly scanning everything. She flinched when people touched her, and-

          She never spoke to Sienna again.

          It was… kind of lonely.

                                                            ***

           Time passed, ignoring whether or not the two girls were ready for it to.

           Mera learned how to breath again, she learned how to deal with the twitching, how to scan a room and convince herself she was safe. She learned how to go on, even if her guard would never again drop. She learned how to make the anxiety she felt invisible, how to act as though everything was okay.

           It was better that way. Even if it felt like she was drowning.

           Sienna learned how lonely the world was. How to perfect her mask, how to run her veins with ice that no one could look beyond. She learned to subdue the voices in her head crying out every time her lies were bought. She learned to believe them herself.

           It was easier that way. Even if it felt like she was suffocating.

           There was not a single person in the world who would see the ‘true’ her. Who could even glance past the walls she couldn’t tear down. That… was exactly what she’d wanted…. Right?

                                                            ***

            When she was 11, Mera found Sienna in the classroom as the fire alarm went off. The smell of smoke, a thin wisp of black wound around her; her eyes had never been more honest. Bone-chilling terror. A sight at something that shook her to the core as she stood there unmoving. The desk before her was stained with ash. The water could not wash away deep scorch marks.

            It could not wash away the scraps of paper, singed at the edges, that grew soaked on the floor. It could not wash away the missing chunk of desk that’d been burned away.

           Sienna didn’t seem to notice Mera. She didn’t seem to respond to anything but whatever panic filled her.

           Without thinking, Mera spoke over her shoulder. “Get out of here.”

          “What?”

          Mera didn’t respond. She ran to the biggest desk, scrambling through her teacher’s things until she found a matchbook. Beneath the pouring sprinklers, she tried to strike until it finally caught fire. “Go! You were never here! I started this fire, and that’s the story. If they don’t find us in line, they’ll come here next— you cannot be seen!”

          She threw the extinguished match on the table, tucking the book into her pocket. “Just go.” Trying to keep the shaking from her voice,  “Please.”

         She didn’t know why she was doing any of it. Her body moved before she could think, but even then she didn’t regret it. Whatever reason Sienna had for that terror, whatever fear she was facing alone in there, whatever gripping, deathly thoughts whispered in her head-

         No matter how much her body shook and wretched with the thought of taking the blame, she wouldn’t let Sienna go through that alone.

         Her grip around the book tightened.

         She wouldn’t let anyone.

                                                           ***

         Sienna was 12 when Mera took the fall for her. She was 12 when she ran from that room, ran from the weight of what she’d done. Ran from a girl who shook like a leaf, despite the fact that steel lined her voice, stole her eyes.

         Sienna was 12 when her mom questioned her ruthlessly. When she spent hours answering questions until maybe, just maybe, her mom believed that it actually was the mousy stranger who’d started the fire.

        She was 12 when she watched her savior fall from grace. ‘Fire-bug’. ‘Delinquent’. ‘Arsonist’.

        Mera never said a word to the whispers, never spoke on it again, not even to defend herself. Just a miserable, closed mouth that wavered with every word. She kept Sienna’s secret for reasons Sienna couldn’t comprehend.

        She’d told her teacher on that day that she’d been curious about the matches and it’d gotten out of hand. Sienna wondered why none of the adults who grilled her noticed the defiance in that girls eyes.

        She wondered how that anxious girl could stand so strong.

        And a part of her whispered that more than anything, she wanted to protect that brave girl from the world.

                                                             ***

         Two months later, Sienna finally summoned the courage to ask why. Mera told her, she told her everything she had thought back then, and most importantly, she told her, “Because I don’t have a jailer. I don’t have a gilded cage that’ll get smaller if I make a mistake. But- you do… don’t you?”

         “…A jailer?”

        “Your mom treats you like a doll. At least, that’s what it looks like.” Mera muttered, “I didn’t want to find out what would happen to you if she thought you were ‘defective’.”

        Sienna collapsed against the slide. Let Mera’s words wash over her. She’d forgotten what it was like to speak with someone who could see her. “Is that so?”

        She’d forgotten how much she needed it.

        How afraid she was to live without it.

        “I’m sorry.” Mera curled up further, “I promised not to look through you again. If that counts then… I’m sorry.”

        “No.” She was crying now, “Please. Until the day comes that it gets to be too much, please look through me.” Sienna curled her hand over eyes. The bow around her neck was so stifling. Would it be so wrong for her to loosen it for a day? “I need someone to.”

        “…I will then.” Mera smiled softly, peeking her head over the slide, “but don’t expect me to be too gentle. After all, I’m a delinquent now.”

        Sienna smiled back. For the first time in years, it didn’t feel fake.

[raeofalbion]

Sheriarty for 002, please. :)

Meme - Thank you!

When I started shipping them:

I knew I was in trouble at “Hello, sexy.” And could feel myself starting to fall with all the phone flirting. And then two seconds into the pool bit I knew I was fucked and I never really recovered. …and why would I want to?

My thoughts:

Not trying to make anyone feel bad or anything, but I don’t understand why this ship is so difficult for people to write or understand. It kinda mystifies me because, if you can write Sherlock, then you can write Jim. And vice versa. It’s essentially the same character, but with different bits highlighted (ie. Jim builds things where Sherlock rips them apart, etc.). And that’s also the biggest point of their dynamic–”I’m you and you’re me and I’m lonely and bored but you noticed I exist so won’t you play with me?” They’re two spoiled children in a sandbox and somehow they’ve figured out how to turn it into a chessboard. And it’s still not enough for either of them.

What makes me happy about them:

Can you imagine how it must’ve felt at that first proper meeting? To have spent all those years feeling alone and being called weird or a freak and now there’s someone who is so much like you and they understand!! They know what it’s like!! And they’re fascinated by you!! And that that last meeting ends with a handshake and an acceptance of similarity!! Like…maybe it’s not total happiness, but it makes me feel…good? Like they both got something very necessary out of that and, even if it hurts, I’m still oddly glad for them. It happened, it meant something; maybe it was worth the pain.

What makes me sad about them:

Sherlock doesn’t seem to have considered things beyond the context of the game until it’s too late and it kills me because there’s so many signs? So many things Sherlock could’ve done differently if he’d just looked at Jim as a person instead of another player. Why didn’t he call? When he’s getting those texts from Jim, why not pick up? Why not push for more when they’re face-to-face? Why not gently test limits to find out more? For someone like Sherlock, who needs to know, it must’ve been painful to be so clueless when he’s finally got someone who’s like him around, so…why didn’t he try to do something with their connection even if it was just to learn more? And Jim, ffs, you’ve been pining in some capacity for twenty years…why?? Why can’t you idiots just talk to each other??? Uuuugh.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

I’m gonna just go for the top ones. That trope of Jim kidnapping Sherlock in order to rape him has me exhausted in the worst possible way. Like…I get why people are into it and I’m not going to shame anyone for wanting to write/read it even if I’m not into it, but…I’m bored to tears of it and it really doesn’t feel like it suits their canon dynamic. Moving on. Using John as a weird plot device between them…especially if his involvement becomes a stepping stone to shame Sheriarty shippers and force things into another ship. (I’m all for “relationship didn’t work out and Sherlock moved on” kinda things–that’s cool, that’s great, people do that irl–but when the entire fic’s written specifically to be hateful and upset fans of that ship? Just fuck off, please.)  Uh…oh. When they’re both entirely stripped of their entire personalities and Jim’s reduced to murder-time-fun-time while Sherl’s turned into a terrified, quivering-virgin stereotype and neither of them at all resemble their canon selves. Please give them back their brains? They kinda need those…

Things I look for in fanfic:

EQUALITY BETWEEN THEM. That they retain themselves and are believable in the setting they’re in. Chemistry/tension.

My wishlist:

Again, equality between them and mutual respect. I don’t really care either way if they end up having sex, but I really do want depth and complexity to the mental and emotional parts of their relationship. If the fic has any hints of dealing with mental illness, I’d really like to see people handling it right instead of for dramatic effect. I’d also like to see both of them completely fucking up at relationship stuff and there being consequences…which leads to growth. More quiet moments. More happy moments. And, last but not least, I’d really love to see more Sherlocks taking the lead in their relationship, or, at the very least, meeting Jim head on…because, honestly, nothing about his canon behaviour suggests he wouldn’t be capable of doing that and probably surprising the hell out of Jim.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not eachother: 

…I honestly don’t know. I don’t really have any ships that I really think would suit either of them long term–actually, let me rephrase that: I don’t think either of them would really suit any long term relationships. They’re too easily bored; the world is too small and they know how people work too well.

My happily ever after for them:

Oooh, I’m so torn. Part of me really wants to support Fangirl’s theory that they ran off together; along those lines, picturing them sharing a flat and peacefully coexisting (maybe working, maybe reading, maybe just sitting in silence and enjoying each other���s presence) is just sooo good to me? So good. But there’s also another part of me that is certain Jim’s happier post-TRF and that knows Sherlock has more than enough time to spend in his memory palace and plenty creativity, so…

[the-eternal-captain-harlock]

Captain Harlock & Miime: Musings on Isolation, Loneliness and Grief

(For the scope of the analysis I will be focusing solely on the Harlock/Miime relationship as it is portrayed in the 1978 Space Pirate Captain Harlock TV series. If you haven’t watched this anime yet, you really need to.)

“I am Miime; I am the woman who has given her life to Harlock.” - Miime, SPCH

It did not take me long into my sojourn into the 42-episode long self-contained Space Pirate series (and my first Matsumoto anime) to discover just how much I loved Miime, the tall willowy, mouthless, alcohol-swilling, harp-playing, soft-voiced alien woman whose relationship with Harlock is almost as meaningful and touching (in this series) as the relationship between Harlock and Tochiro.

Miime quickly became an exemplar of everything I wanted to see in a supporting female character. I already knew what I didn’t like: female characters who nagged, female characters who made the primary male characters awkwardly uncomfortable, who made them stammer, blush and act like idiots (if they were of high-school age) or forced them to supplant their ideals and opinions with their own, either through sheer bitchy determination or the pervasive ‘power of love’ angle (if they were older and *allegedly* mature). I didn’t know what I hated more: the female characters who ruthlessly and annoying imposed either their emotions, ideals or bodies onto their male counterparts, or, conversely, the male characters who allowed them to do so and conceded to the woman’s wills. I’ve always been more interested in fictional male protagonists then in female ones, and I always view the arrival of a new female character – be they hero or villain – into a novel or show with a certain amount of trepidation, owing to the drama they ineffably inflict upon that particular fictional universe, whether this is intentional on their part or not. 

                    Miime was blessedly free of all of the above behaviors. Everything about her, from her simplistic yet elegant character design, to her voice, mannerisms and hobbies, spoke of maturity, of refinement, and, most important to me at least, the desire to be true to her own person, to remain herself, as she is the last living remnant of her race. Perhaps if she had been a human woman her relationship with Harlock would have been radically (an unsurprisingly) different, but as she is a Juraian, an alien, a literal ‘Other,’ she abides by her own codes of conduct and not once does Harlock ever request or demand that she alter her behavior towards him, just as she never tries to ‘change’ him, as most human woman would try to do.Thus she remains unique, mysterious and ultimately unknowable - much like Harlock himself.

And the relationship the two of them share is unique indeed. Harlock makes no demands upon Miime whatsoever. She has no specific duty as a crew-member of the Arcadia and is free to move about the ship as she pleases. She pours Harlock his wine, but not because she is his serving girl and it is her duty to do so; she plays the harp for him, but not because she is his court musician and it is expected of her. Everything she does for Harlock is for their mutual enjoyment. They do not ask or demand anything from one another, they simply do things together, organically and naturally, in complete emotional and physical freedom. They are perfectly at ease with each other, displaying no awkwardness or stress when together.  Miime does not bicker with, fight with, flirt with, nag, challenge or impose on Harlock’s freedom in any way. She has pledged her life to him, even stating she would follow him into hell if he ever asked her to. Her devotion is total. Her loyalty is beyond reproach (1). Her relationship with the Arcadia’s brooding Captain puts her in the unique position of possessing true knowledge of his personality, allowing her to share her insights as to what kind of man he is with the other crew-mates, who are often confused by Harlock’s decisions and actions. She becomes his unofficial spokesmen and advocate and never doubts that he will accomplish his goals.

 Likewise, Harlock confides in Miime, telling her his plans, expressing his occasional doubts and frustrations or simply reminiscing about the past, often over drinks. But Miime is not a merely passive character Harlock keeps around as a drinking companion. Miime proves her worth as a fighter, displaying competent shooting-skills and reveling hidden depths of power when Harlock is threatened. Unlike Tadashi Diaba, however, she is not learning how to become a warrior or out for revenge against the Mazone invaders. Like Harlock, much of her story has already taken place and she has already reached the pinnacle of her character development. To remain at Harlock’s side is enough; she has no set goals or plans like Tadashi, no ulterior motives or hidden agendas.  Whatever else is happening to the galaxy at large is inconsequential as long as Harlock continues to wander the stars under his ‘flag of freedom.’  Calm, quiet and thoughtful, Miime stands unobtrusively by Harlock on the command-bridge, ready to give advice or make pointed observations, or fills his cabin with the soothing melodious music that relaxes him while the rest of the  crew revels in the Arcadia’s corridors, living for the moment while their haunted Captain broods on the fate of humanity, vowing to fight to the end to protect the earth even as he bemoans the hedonistic apathetic state of mankind. Miime is the only one he truly confides in, and Miime repays his trust by simply being there and supporting him (sometimes even saving him), regardless of the circumstances.

But what truly bonds them? Why do they enjoy one another’s company so thoroughly? Why do they understand and respect each other so fully? What lies behind the simple dignified tenderness they display towards each other? They are not lovers; they display virtually no hint of romantic infatuation or physical attraction. Yet despite retaining their autonomy and personal freedom they still share a certain bond, an intimate relationship which seems to transcend both love and friendship. But this bond is, sadly, rooted in tragedy and grounded by the threefold components of isolation, loneliness and grief.

  I: Isolation

One sad reality of Harlock’s existence is that he is an extremely isolated individual. Although the entire universe is essentially his sandbox and the Arcadia possess enough firepower to level cities and hold off entire alien fleets, Harlock never takes advantage of his considerable power and fearful reputation to make the rest of humanity do his bidding or live according his higher standards. Planet Earth is not a sheltering or welcoming place for the self-exiled space-pirate. Harlock has no wish to dominate, but he will not suffer himself to be dominated, so he endures the derision and scorn of Earth’s rulers and the constant harassment of the planet’s Defense Force with little genuine retaliation, preferring to roam the stars in hopes of finding his ‘final resting place.’ Despite having a homeworld and a people, Harlock, both by choice and circumstance, lives out a solitary and confined existence, with only those few chosen comrades who remain with him in order to fight for their own beliefs and carve out their own paths.

Miime shares in this isolation; for although planet Jura still exists her race has been completely destroyed in nuclear warfare and the following environmental retaliation brought on by the planet’s sentient plant-life. In a brief flash-back, a younger Harlock visits Jura and rescues Miime, now the last Jurian, from the plants and offers her refuge aboard his ship. Not only does Miime owe her life to Harlock, she also is allowed to live on his ship seemingly condition-free. Harlock has no utilitarian motives - neither practical or personal - for keeping her around. Miime does not cook or clean or fly Space Wolves or man any of the Arcadia’s guns; she is not a doctor, a scientist or a navigator. The bulk of Harlock’s otherwise human crew seem mostly indifferent to her presence; they do not compete for her attention or affection, nor do they make advances on her. Even aboard the Arcadia Miime remains in isolation and because Harlock also lives in voluntary isolation, spending most of his time in his elegant sterncastle drinking, brooding and playing his ocarina, their mutual situations and circumstances draw them closer together in a relationship built upon what is missing in their lives rather than what they have in common. They are both unique one-of-a-kind individuals, alone in a cold inhospitable galaxy that has little to offer them in terms of meaning and fulfillment. Even when together, isolation still dominates, for although Miime and Harlock spend a great deal of time alone behind closed doors there is always a significant physical distance between them. Both are heavy drinkers (Miime requires alcohol to survive, as it it is a natural part of her diet; Harlock is an alcoholic), but we never see them genuinely intoxicated and acting stupid, flirty or inappropriate with each other. In their isolation is also their liberty, for being who they are  - free, above all things - they are under no obligations or expectations to behave in certain ways. Harlock and Miime have nothing to prove to each other or to anyone else. Their relationship remains fixed and unchanging amid a universe full of chaos, danger and constant strife. They can always rely on one another - their isolation is their safeguard and shield; perhaps it is not such a tragic state after all.

II: Loneliness

  There is - or should be - a distinction drawn between someone who is physically alone and someone who is feeling lonely. For most people, the two aspects are one and the same. If there is no one around you, no one to talk to or interact with in some manner, this will be perceived by most as a negative state, one which they quickly rectify by either calling or visiting friends, chatting online or making plans for family gatherings and meaningful dates with significant others. To be alone with oneself, with ones’s own feelings, thoughts and memories without any distractions for an extended period of time, is hard for most people to handle - for most, but not all. I myself am an unapologetic loner. This is not due to shyness or social ineptness; I am merely extremely introverted. As I write this part of the article I am alone in the house (except for a sleepy old pit-bull) and I love it. This is the main reason I became so attached to Harlock and Emeraldas - they are both loners living according to their own codes and beliefs, following their own paths and perusing their own destinies (2). The Arcadia - which serves the duel purpose of being Harlock’s fortress, safe-haven and tomb -  enables him to remain free and unattached to the rest of humanity, liberating him from the confines of mankind’s apathetic degenerate social state and allowing him to remain true to his own self and goals.

But although Harlock is a true loner and possesses a solitary nature, he still suffers from genuine loneliness from time to time, although the only other human he intentionally seeks out to spend quality time with is Tochiro’s seven-year-old orphaned daughter, Mayu, which he does at his own peril. Miime, on the other hand, suffers loneliness even more keenly. Harlock, at least, can draw comfort (however sparse), in that he actually has a home-planet and a race to protect (even if he wants nothing to do with them), while Miime is the last of her kind - the last Jurian. Her planet still survives but the Jurian civilization is now nothing but ruins overrun by hostile plant-life. There is no going home for her. Her family and friends are all dead. She is a dispossessed being, without home or people, adrift in a hostile universe. In order to alleviate her loneliness she cleaves to Harlock with a single-minded vengeance, offering him her life, going were he goes, aiding him in all the ways she can, never once standing in his way or making demands of him. “It is better to be with people you hate then to be alone,” she tells Harlock, after lamenting how she had hated her people for the destruction they had wrought, only realizing after they were all dead how much she missed them now that she is truly and utterly alone. Her loneliness is made all the more potent in that she cannot truly leave the Arcadia. Harlock’s human crew-mates can leave and return to Earth if they wish but there is nowhere for Miime to go and no reason for her to leave. But she does not view Harlock’s ship has a prison - she learns about its secrets, about Tochiro, and this draws her and Harlock even closer together. Both Harlock and Miime are alone (one mostly by choice, one entirely by circumstance.) but their shared emotional experiences (and their mutual love of wine and music) allow for them to form and maintain a relationship that dulls the pain caused by loneliness (and the isolation) and gives Harlock the space to engage in meaningful interactions with another that brings them both happiness. Loneliness is the driving force that keeps their relationship stable and constant for the entirety of the series. Neither Miime or Harlock take each other for granted. Both remain grateful for what the one does for the other. Loneliness has gifted them to one another, and, because of its overhanging spectre, their bond is further strengthened by the knowledge that what they have is something unique, something valuable, and ultimately, something that neither one dares to compromise - for if that should happen the loneliness would become unbearable and the isolation truly complete.

III: Grief

The entire Space Pirate Captain Harlock series is overshadowed by an atmosphere of quiet unshakable melancholy. It rests upon Harlock like a second cape, infusing all his actions and choices, unweakening in its hold on him from the first episode to the last. He is never freed from it, for this is a melancholy born of grief, of loss, and of a seemingly-futile yearning for what can never again be. Harlock is in a perpetual state of unending mourning – he mourns for an Earth whose natural beauty and splendor is fading with each passing year, he mourns for a humanity who has forfeited its dreams and visions of the future so as to live in a state of continuous apathy and sloth; but, above all, he mourns for the loss of his best friend, the man who never gave up hope either in humanity, the future, or even Harlock himself. Tochiro Oyama is dead (except in two flash-back episodes), and without that that spunky, optimistic genius-engineer at his side, Harlock’s natural inclinations towards pessimism and depression must be battled at every turn if he is to remain an effective apposing force in the fight against the Mazone. Harlock speaks in passing about ‘looking for a final resting place’ and about spending ‘a life wandering space, looking for a place to die.’ Harlock is a less hopeful and forgiving man then Tochiro, and is tempted often to abandon mankind and the Earth to its fate. But to abandon either of these things is, in effect, to abandon Tochiro himself, especially as his only child, Mayu, lives in an orphanage on Earth. To turn his back upon the planet and its people is to turn his back on Tochiro and his heirs and to scorn his friend’s dream of a better future. Almost against his will, Harlock denies Mazone Queen Lafresia the earth for Tochiro and Mayu’s sake, if nothing else, though he does wish to prove to humanity (who view him as a disruptive, peace-threatening menace to society) that he can and will protect them, regardless of his own negative feelings (or theirs). Prior to the Mazone’s arrival, Harlock lived a listless, goalless life of petty piracy, protected and entombed in a semi-haunted Arcadia infused with the soul and living brain-cells of Tochiro himself. His war with Queen Lafresia gives him a purpose again and rekindles his fighting spirit, but even when victory is achieved Harlock refuses to remain on earth; instead he self-exiles himself once more, leaving his entire crew behind, to continue wandering the stars - but this time, only Miime is allowed to accompany him.

  If Miime is dominated by her loneliness (and her literal ‘alone-ness’) then Harlock is ruled by his grief; no-one, not Miime, Tadashi or even Mayu, can take the place Tochiro holds in his heart. Harlock does not desire wealth, fame, acclamation, status as a hero or even to be respected and appreciated. He fights successfully to secure a future for the Earth but he cannot be apart of that future – for Harlock desires only the Arcadia of his youth, his past life with Tochiro, the long-ago days when it was just two carefree young men seeking to live free and pursue their dreams. But those times of youth and adventure cannot be reclaimed. Tochiro is dead (though still present) and Harlock can do nothing but carry on without him. He keeps Miime at his side, and she follows him willingly into the dark and to whatever fate awaits them. Earth may have been saved and mankind given a second chance, but for Harlock, Miime and Tochiro there is no going back home. Home does not exist for them anymore. Their only true home now is the Sea of Stars, their only banner the Jolly-Roger, and a life lived in freedom their only sustenance. Miime vanishes with Harlock into the vastness of space, remaining loyal to him to the last, even as Harlock remained loyal to Tochiro’s dream, the three of them uplifting and sustaining one another in their long exile. It is not necessarily a happy ending, but it is certainly a fitting one, appropriate to the nature of its characters and in keeping with the series’ overall mood and tone. 

Thus wherever Harlock may go, Miime will always be at his side, a true companion he can rely upon for comfort and advice. For Miime, Harlock will always remain her savior and provider, and her comfort and advice are gladly given, since they both retain their freedom - which is, ultimately, all they ask for and in the end, as long as they remain within the confines of the Arcadia, is all they are allowed to have.

  (1) You can only imagine how pissed-off I was when in the 2013 Space Pirate Captain Harlock CGI film, after Yama replaces Harlock as captain, Space-Elf!Miime declares that her loyalty is to the ship rather than Harlock himself. Boy that made me mad - that among so many other things.

(2) Harlock’s, Emeraldas’s and my own personality traits in a nutshell.

[winryofresembool]

Survivor’s guilt

Happy holidays @agoldentimelover!! I am your secret santa :D You said you like EdWin and angst so this fic contains both of those things, although it should be noted that faithful to my style, there might be a decent amount of fluff as well ;) This fic takes place 3ish years after the Promised Day, when Ed has already returned from his trip to East (well, that’s a personal headcanon of mine), and he and Winry have been married for a little while. Huge thanks to my beta @mysticdelphox97 for making sure this doesn’t entirely suck! I hope you enjoy :)

(word count: 2466 words)

@fullmetalsecretsanta

Edward didn’t know where he was. He looked around, trying to find some clues about his whereabouts, like a familiar building or something, but he didn’t succeed. All he saw around him was a yard with a swing, a sandbox, some toys in there, a high fence, and a grey brick house. Not a particularly beautiful sight. Ed was about to leave the yard, although he still didn’t understand how he had gotten there in the first place, when the door behind him opened, and out ran a little girl with brown braids, and a light-furred dog. They seemed surprised about the unexpected guest, as if they didn’t have guests here very often, but nevertheless very excited. Finally, someone who might play with them! The girl told Ed that her mother had left a couple of years earlier and her father was so absorbed by his work that he didn’t have time for playing.

Since Ed wasn’t in a hurry at that moment, he promised to stay with the girl for a while. He knew firsthand how awful loneliness felt, because he himself hadn’t gotten the attention he would have needed from adults after his mother’s death. At least he had had Al. And Winry. And Granny Pinako. And a bit after that (before Al and his lives changed in a dramatic way on that one faithful day), Izumi and her husband Sig had kept the boys busy. But this girl—Nina, she had told him—only had her dog, and for this reason Ed didn’t want to leave her alone. They played ball and tag, tried to get as high as possible on the swing, and laughed and told each other stories, and during that time Ed decided that he had to talk with the girl’s father. Perhaps tell him what it felt when your own father neglected you. If only he could have done that to his own old man…

Before that though, Ed decided he would just quickly drop by a local restaurant because he didn’t even how long it had been since his last meal. It felt like he was away from Nina’s house only for a moment, but when he came back, it was too late. When Ed rang the doorbell, the door wasn’t opened by Nina, but instead a man with glasses and a tired expression, his hair color like the girl’s. Ed asked where she was, but he didn’t get a proper answer. The man simply stated that he didn’t know, but he had just finished an experiment, and wanted to show it to the boy. He led Edward to the basement of the house, but Ed couldn’t help but feel something creepy was going on. Finally, the man, Shou Tucker, pointed out what he had wanted to show. A chimera. With light fur. It seemed like a mix of a dog and a girl. It was quiet for a moment, but then the thing spoke. “Play with me,” it requested.

Edward screamed as loud as he could.

He was woken up by his own screaming. His throat felt as if he had been yelling for a good while before waking up. His heart was beating so fast that it felt like it was trying to get out of his chest. He was covered in sweat and tears, and he couldn’t decide if it was hot or cold in the room. At last he calmed down enough to register that Winry had pinned him down, stopping him from thrashing about. She was looking at him with a worried and sad expression, her blue eyes dark and tear-filled. Finally, Winry decided Ed had recovered enough for her speech to get through to him.

“A nightmare? You haven’t seen them in a while…” the young woman asked quietly.

“Yeah…” Ed admitted when he finally managed to speak.

After a little while he asked: “Did I… hurt you?” Panic was audible in his voice. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he had accidentally hurt her. Or the baby, he thought, his gaze resting on the visible bump of his wife’s belly.

“No! I was afraid you were gonna hurt yourself if you continue thrashing like that… That’s why I tried to stop you.”

“Winry, we have been talking about this, you shouldn’t be near me, when… you know… I could accidentally do something!”

“Ed, I’m not afraid of you. Not even during your night terrors. And I care about you too damn much to just leave you alone when you have one of those.”

“Ugh…”

“Do I need to brain you, so you’ll understand?” she asked threateningly.

“Gosh, no! But you still know my opinion.”

“I do. But I don’t agree with it.” Her voice softened when she added: “Listen, I once read that it helps you if you talk about it. What was your dream about?”

It was about her again,” Ed whispered.

“Who?” Winry stared at her husband in confusion. It had been three years since Ed and Al’s return to Resembool, but he had never talked about any particular “her”. Did he still see nightmares about their mother? Or the creature he and Al had created when they tried to get her back....

“Oh. I didn’t realize I haven’t ever talked about her to you… It’s a long story.” His golden eyes had turned from shocked to sorrowful at the mention of ‘her’.

“Ed. You know I want to know what’s bothering you. Please.”

“Fine,” he sighed, trying to gather himself.

“When Al and I were traveling… we heard about this ‘sewing-life alchemist’. He had managed to create a talking chimera, so of course we thought getting some information from him might help us to get closer to returning Al back into his body.”

“Go on,” Winry encouraged when Ed stopped talking. She knew that what he was about to tell her must be something terrible, but carrying that burden just by himself was something Ed always did – and it hurt him more than he knew himself. Talking about it would hopefully help him to relieve some of the pain.

“Um. I’ll try. I want to be honest with you, this isn’t gonna be easy. It’s one of my most painful memories.”

He had never been good with words, but after that nightmare it felt even harder. But some voice in him told him it would be the right thing to do.

“I understand,” she reassured him, and took his left hand into hers while he was trying to find the right words.

“We went to that alchemist’s house, and found out that he had a 4-year-old daughter, Nina. And a dog. His wife had supposedly left a couple of years earlier. We studied a lot while in there. Tucker had a lot of books that we couldn’t find from the library, but during our breaks we played with the girl and the dog. She was such an innocent little thing, but so lonely, because her father was doing his tests all the time.”

Ed felt chills going through his spine just thinking about what he was about to say, but Winry deserved to know. She needed to know why her current condition made him see nightmares.

“Then one day, when we came back to Tucker’s house, Nina and Alexander, the dog, weren’t greeting us at the door anymore. I should have read the signs earlier, I should have noticed something was badly wrong… But I didn’t. Tucker had his state alchemist assessment coming, and he was desperate to finish his project, so he would continue to get funding from the military. And that day, he had finally finished it.”

His voice broke, and he had to take a few deep breaths before he was able to continue his story.

“He… wanted to show us his test results… He… he had managed to create another chimera. He took us to see it, and… the chimera spoke. It said my name… and it said… it wanted to play with us. And then… I just knew.”

Ed was shaking now, looking physically ill, but somehow, he still managed to say the thing that explained it all:

“The… the chimera was made of… Nina… and Alexander.”

“What?” For a moment Winry didn’t know what else to say. This was even worse than she had imagined. What kind of person would do anything like that?

“I’m so, so, so sorry Ed. If I had known… I would have made you tell this.”

“It’s OK. You need to know. It explains why I saw this particular nightmare tonight.”

“Is it… because of the baby?”

Ed didn’t answer for a long while. He just stared at something she couldn’t see.

“When it happened… It was the first time I felt I could honestly kill someone. Hell, I might have if Al hadn’t been there. We left, and people were coming to arrest Tucker… but later we found out both he and Nina had been killed.”

“I can’t even imagine… how that must have felt.”

“No one… should… ever…” Ed didn’t need to finish his sentence. She understood.

Winry knew Ed hated her tears more than anything, but she couldn’t stop them, particularly not because there was a brand-new life growing inside her. She held Ed tightly in her arms and just cried, and let him cry in his own way, just shaking and burying his head on her shoulder.

They were in that position for a good while, but suddenly Winry realized Ed hadn’t answered her question earlier, and asked carefully:

“Ed?”

“Hmm?”

“You haven’t seen nightmares in a while… but now you did. Do you… maybe think that the baby triggered it?”

“I don’t… I think… It’s possible.”

“Ed…”

“When that incident with Nina happened, I felt so helpless. I let it happen. I couldn’t save her. It made me realize how insignificant I was. And now? I am afraid that the same thing will happen again. If something happened to our child, even though I could stop it, I would never, ever, forgive myself.

“Edward Elric. Please, look at me right now,” Winry said with a tone that was harsher than she had intended. “What makes you think anything would happen? You may have your flaws, but you have never, not once, hurt me intentionally. You would never do it to our child. When it comes to that Nina… you can’t keep blaming yourself. You just said /no one/ knew about that man’s true intentions. You need to stop carrying burdens that don’t belong to you.”

“It’s much easier said than done, Winry.” Ed growled, getting a bit frustrated. He couldn’t help but feel responsible for what had happened because he had been there when Tucker had been planning on everything. She hadn’t been there, she couldn’t understand…

“Ed? Why do you think I really was so angry every time you showed up with a broken automail?”

“Well, why?”

“Because all those times I felt I had failed you. Building your automail was the only way I knew how to help you, and when I saw it had broken, I felt useless. I felt I had betrayed you. I had failed to protect you. I felt I could have done more… It’s really not that different from how you feel.”

“Oh…” he had never really thought about it from that point of view. It was his turn to reassure her, so he said with a sad smile on his face:

“You didn’t fail me, though. I’m still right here.”

“I’m so happy you are,” Winry murmured and snuggled her head against his chest.

“You know, Ed…” she continued with the earlier topic, “What happened, happened, and you can’t change that. What you can change is your future. Our future.” She blushed a bit when she added: “I just know that you are going to be an amazing father.”

“How do you know that?” Ed asked, genuinely surprised by Winry’s statement. Not having had a proper father figure, the young man was constantly worried about not knowing how to be a father. But now his wife was saying he’d be just fine?

“Because I’ve known you my entire life, you silly, and I know you’re just petty enough to show everyone that you are not like your father,” Winry tried to lighten the mood, and earned a pillow on her face.

“Hey! I’m not petty! I’ll show you!” he exclaimed, but instead of starting a pillow fight, he threw the pillow away and it was Winry’s turn to get pinned down (he did it carefully, though, because there was no way he’d hurt the baby even by accident). He leaned his head close to hers and asked: “Well? Still petty?”

“Not at all,” his wife rolled her eyes, but Ed ignored that and made her a bit light-headed by kissing her with the amount of passion Edward Elric was capable of.

“Thanks for cheering me up. You are pretty awesome. Sometimes,” he said when he pulled away to get some air.

“And you are a big dumb-o,” Winry giggled and showed him her tongue.

“Why did you marry you?” he asked, but the gleam in his eyes told her he wasn’t being serious at all.

“Believe me, I ask myself the same question every day. But whether you like it or not, you are stuck with me… no, stuck with us, forever. And once the baby grows up, I’m gonna teach it to kick your ass every time you start blaming yourself for things that are not in your hands.”

“I’d like to see that,” Ed answered mischievously, and lifted Winry’s night shirt a bit so he could see the little baby bump. “Hey little guy, did you hear that?” he asked as he leaned to give it a light kiss. “Your mother is threatening me.”

“Oh, for god’s sake, Ed…”

“He needs to know the facts even before his birth.”

“He? How can you be so sure?”

“I just am. I am the one who transmuted him, after all.”

“Again with the alchemy terms… you nerd.”

“Gearhead.”

“You love this gearhead,” Winry said, though it was more of a question than a statement.

“I do,” Ed answered without a second thought (he thanked the Truth for learning to not blush every time he said that).

“Ugh, come here,” Winry said with a soft voice and Ed gave her stomach one more kiss and rose from his spot, accepting Winry’s hug.

“I love you too, alchemy freak. And you know… I’m glad you told me what you told tonight… I don’t want you to carry all of that inside you, alone, ever again.”

“Thanks, Winry.” he said quietly, but the kiss that followed told her more than he was ever able to tell with words.