#and it worked. he is now calm. my ipad baby is now content god bless

[skrunksthatwunk]

babycat's favorite toys

laser pointer (missing, assumed dead)

stray q-tip

halls cough drop in the wrapper

purple ball circle chamber (deceased, no balls(?? where did they go))

jingle ball (deceased, kicked in twain by my powerful sexylegs)

[altering-perspectives]

Human

As I sit in the quiet of my empty home, two children enjoying their day at school, my husband at work, the animals napping around the house, I remember.  There are so many different things to remember that I can only handle a little bit at a time.  I play music to reflect and let my memories pour out of me through my tears and words on this page.  The haunting melodies tear at my soul and remind me that I am human and my experiences are my own, I have fought many battles (sometimes I wonder how I have done so) with so many more to come.  In times like this I can let go, I can reflect, and remember how far I’ve come.

I can start with the “what used to be” mentality and rage against the world for taking so much from me.  What good would it do?  I had energy, memory, optimism, hope, health, family, and so much more. Now I sit here years later looking at the aftermath of the battles fought and I find myself eerily content with some of the carnage because it brought me silence, peace, and a break from the dramatic machinations of others.  I used to mourn friendships lost and feel even though there were many chances to redeem the friendship before it went sour that I still could have done more. I’ve learned.  Sometimes it just isn’t worth it.  The peace is calming as is the silence though there are times when I remember that some of these battles have left massive scars in my heart, soul, and on my body.  

I’ve lost a lot.  My energy, health, career, optimism, some family, a baby, friendships, and at times hope.  I’ve mourned more times in my 36 years than anyone ever should.  I’ve done my best with my “lemon” of a body (or rather “Lyme”), tried to do my best for my family, friends, and humanity.  My battle has always been two steps forward and one backwards.  It is a never-ending dance that leaves me broken, hopeless, and shattered at times. Today is one of those times.  

As I clean my hardwood floors, I pick up the photo canvases that I have collected to display in a gallery wall in our foyer. I’m reminded that something is missing. Well actually it isn’t only as I clean my floors and look at pictures, its daily.  You see my body is a reminder of one of my most recent and more tragic battles.  

Despite the odds I found myself pregnant earlier this year (did you know in your 30s your odds of pregnancy are 20% at any given month?).  I got pregnant with basically no progesterone in my body.  I can notice all the small changes in my body so I noticed right away that something was weird.  It was odd because my cycle had been irregular the previous month.  This started the process of ultrasounds.  I think I had five of my little one before 12 weeks.  There were concerns about the low progesterone so I supplemented.  My hyperemesis gravidarium (extreme nausea and vomiting) came back with a vengeance – I was on separate medicines to deal with the condition (the goal was to stay out of the hospital and off a PICC line).  There were times I really wanted to crawl out of my body and thought to myself I wish I could make it stop.  I was desperate, couldn’t sleep, was in constant pain and completely tired.  I couldn’t enjoy much because of this sinister condition robbing me of the fun of pregnancy.  After my 8-week ultrasound and we finally had a great ultrasound with the baby (yes he/she has a name) and saw that beautiful heartbeat I started to try to focus my energy on planning the fun things about having a baby, a gender reveal, my children having a sibling, how to tell family, a little baby in my arms, I’d give anything to have that back.  

There are portions of my phone with photographs I cannot look at.  It’s a section I just haven’t been able to bring myself to deal with yet.  The plans for a nursery, colors, things we’d need, planning a fun gender reveal right before my birthday, and so much more.  I had a list of names.  Things to take my mind off that horrific condition and put myself in a positive frame of mind so I could endure and embrace the joy instead of the horror of hyperemesis.  I was so excited for my 1sttrimester screen but also petrified.  We had the announcement photo ready with the kids and my son came with me to the appointment.  Unfortunately, my husband was busy and couldn’t come but I was going to video tape it for him.  Who knew the horror that would lie ahead?  I was joking with the sonographer when I noticed her concern, my 9-year-old was next to me so I asked him quickly to hop out into the waiting room to play on his iPad. It was then my world crashed.  12 weeks 5 days and I learned my baby had passed away.  The chaos began.  Calls to my doctor, my mother, my husband, explaining to my son what had happened. I kept my composure and let my son sit in the waiting room while I dealt with the specialist as he did another ultrasound and they informed me that my baby was gone, my body just had not recognized the loss.  Walking out I had to explain things to my son, he had questions and I tried to answer everything in a kid friendly way so that he wouldn’t be scarred for life.  I kept my tears hidden.

I was greeted at home by my mom.  My daughter bounced home from camp excited and we had to break the news to her before heading to my OB.  The decisions we had to make that day were unthinkable. I saw my baby’s form, head, body, limbs, but that screen didn’t have a flicker.  I had two options:  wait for my body to realize the loss (it had already been a couple weeks) or two have surgery.  Coming from somewhat of a medical family I knew what this surgery was and I couldn’t contemplate this happening to my baby.  I would have loved to be able to bury my little one or at least scatter ashes instead of the cold sterile way that it was dealt with in the hospital. We asked for this option but were denied because it was before 20 weeks it counted as a miscarriage.  Two days later, I went into surgery.  Those days of waiting were the most horrific, as I should have been waiting for those little kicks and flutters of first movement, instead I was sitting in bed knowing that I was carrying a baby who had passed away.  Think about the absolute turmoil that would play on your emotions.  I was wishing against all odds that it was a mistake but the ultrasound tech let me know how they knew against all odds the baby had passed (I’ll spare you the details).  

The day of the surgery I was checked in to the hospital.  I walked in and was completely unable to contemplate how or why this had happened. Could I have done something wrong?  Was it something I ate?  Did a missed dose of medicine do it? Did I eat something wrong?  The questions cycled through my mind.  I asked for the catholic representative of the hospital to come and pray over our baby.  I knew that he/she would never get baptized and I wanted to be sure that this baby had been blessed.  I was given a beautiful rosary and as hesitant as I was to have the surgery I did it. I don’t think I could have waited for two weeks to have things naturally happen (labor and all).  It was that day my baby was no longer nestled safely inside of me.  I know that my baby left days before and I was sure my baby was in heaven but I left that hospital feeling empty.  I didn’t have the baby with ten fingers and ten toes that I was supposed to have.  

The following weeks were hard.  Tears and lots of them.  Fights because it’s harder for some to understand the loss.  I just wanted to be alone and grieve.  I bought one of my favorite plants (a bleeding heart) and planted it.  I had a memory stone with a quote created.  I bought a garnet ring (it would have been the baby’s birthstone) to remind me of him/her.  I went through so much to get to the point where I could semi re-enter society.  Yet that wasn’t the end.  

Did you know that your body may never act the same after you have this procedure?  Periods, cycles, everything can be completely different.  Did you know you could get thrown into perimenopause from this?  Did you know that just because you were pregnant for however long it takes your body quite a while to readjust to life without that baby in there?  Did you know that you could lactate after you lose your baby?  So many things that smack you right in the face after such an utter loss. Platitudes and things such as maybe this was Gods way of saving the heartache of having a baby that had severe disabilities were not easy to hear.  I understand them all logically but when we learned we were pregnant we decided we would do everything in our power to take care of this baby and make sure the pregnancy was healthy.  Platitudes just don’t help when you are left empty handed.  

It’s been a few months now, I adopted a kitten because I needed light and laughter in my house.  His crazy kitten antics have had me laughing and yelling (claws and sharp teeth – ow), but it has brought a light into my life when I needed it. A pleasant distraction but never a substitute.  While he has 10 claws and 8 claws on his teeny little feet it isn’t the same.  Although, the laughter of his antics definitely helps break the mood.  Life has to go on and while it does, I will still remember the day I was supposed to have the gender reveal ultrasound, I know I should be around six months pregnant now.  I should have a nice round belly with kicks and hopefully feeling a bit better from the hyperemesis, but I’m not.  Instead as I’m cleaning those floors I know that this child will never have a picture on my wall, a handprint canvas, a birthday party, a first day of school photo, and so much more.  My body still has not recovered from this loss and is acting wonky so I’m sicker than I have been in a long time, I’m aching and screaming inside some days, and other days I’m happy and able to enjoy life.  

I’ve promised to “Never let go” of the ones I love, here or in heaven and I’ll hold onto that each day as I continue to fight and battle through the barriers in front of me.  I won’t let things hold me back and I won’t let my life be spoiled by things that aren’t important.  I’ll hold onto the good, release the bad, and move on.  I’ll never forget, I’ll never let go, and I promise that I’ll never stop remembering.  I’ll remind myself that I’m human and its ok sometimes to stop and remember, to fall down and need help up, to lay your troubles down for a little while.  So today I’ve let my troubles rest on this page, my tears fall down my face, and my emotions pour out of me so that I may begin again fresh tomorrow’.  

“Our hearts still ache in sadness, and secret tears still flow, what it means to lose you, no one will ever know.”

All my love to my angel baby 

[ichoiheedong]

Alexander  pt.9 [BTS Jungkook ] (M)

jungkook x reader (y/N)

bts members

Genre : angst/smut/fluff  

Mature contents: this is not a fairy tale leave if you don’t like it,

Summary: he gave me fire and i need to find him ;with him i saw stars ,i wasn’t scared i felt safe.. i liked his kisses and i wish we meet again …

part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7  8

MASTERLIST

    “i’m going to confess to her” jungkook let out chuckling when yoongi smiled that famous smile

“cool but honestly  i thought you did ,

“no i didn’t do it properly

“what does this supposed to mean ? yoongi said looking up to meet jungkook eyes he was standing near the couch yoongi was laying on and working on his iPad  

“ i mean i want her to be more than a girlfriend

yoongi lips parted

“marriage!!

“exactly hyung what do you think ?”

“well i was thinking that you will let me get married before you do but i think you grew up as a selfish jerk !!

“jungkook giggled harder as yoongi hit him with the pillow

“hyung why don’t you confess too and let’s get married together jungkook teased him and the man blushed slightly

“i’m thinking that i need to confess soon or sooner

“confess to who huyng? “ jimin head popped from the opened door “i just heard that you will confess so better tell me who is the lucky girl

“it’s not like you don’t know ?jungkook smirked and jimin grinned

“we all know actually , even about you

“oh does this become obvious ? jungkook raised his brow in awe and yoongi was ready to stop them if they went farther

“ i only want you to take care of y/N jimin patted jungkook shoulder

“ i think i need to make a special night for all of us to confess so stop both of you yoongi suggested

“seems great ;i’m in what about this Sunday hyung

“we will see ,well men!! it’s Friday let’s go out

“yeah great let’s grab hosoak and go out

-

you arranged your lingerie in your bag and went down to meet your brother fiancé she was happy that your grandpa invited her for the second time to join the family dinner so all of you were having a good time but you weren’t  listening to all their talk as all you kept in your mind the dirty thoughts you were imagining about jungkook you were in love with every thing he did in fact you were in love with him and this made you secretly grinning you wanted to tell him

taehyung insisted to you to stay for the night ,your mother too they were actually upset because no one in your family thought you will adapt in a dorm with different other guys it was not what they think  you sighed as you couldn’t lie to them and finally deciding to stay the night

“where are you?” you received jungkook text

-i couldn’t come back -_- !!

-i was out drinking with the boys and i passed by your room

-gonna meet you tomorrow morning kookie!

-will u be ok in there :o

-idk -_- !

-do u want me to call u until you sleep

-what are u waiting for ! >.<

jungkook ID popped in your phone screen and you picked up his raspy voice came from the other side

“god you’re drunk

“a little bit he chuckled  jimin kept challenging me and i beat him

you chuckled cutely “i missed you i want to hug you

“if you said an other thing i’m grabbing my keys and coming

you need to rest jungkook ah i will see you tomorrow also tae oppa is here

you both kept talking until you lost his voice and it seemed like he was first who drifts to sleep

you grinned hanging up and you tried to sleep too and it was a bless that you did

you couldn’t wait until your family took breakfast you just sipped some coffee the maid made for you and left the mansion in the early morning towards the dorm

no one was awake that was obvious as it was so calm you went straight to jungkook ‘s room but you got surprised he wasn’t there and from his clean bed you could assume he didn’t touch it, a slight smirk twitched on your lips as you made your way to the room next door and entered , jungkook was sleeping soundly in your bed “this is crazy you whispered taking off the heels and shrugging off your jacket ,you didn’t hesitate to slid under the blanket jungkook hair was a mess you kept touching the brown bangs on the pillow chuckling at how cute his nose was , your trailed his face with your finger tip before deciding to awake him with a bunch of kisses

“babe, you’re here his raspy morning voice was a turn on ,you didn’t remember since when jungkook started calling you babe but you didn’t care as you liked it “i’m here ,good morning

jungkook chuckled hugging you to his chest “i have a plan he started

“what you asked still brushing his hair

“let’s wake up to each other every day how does this seem to you ?

you grinned “ you’re not gonna get bored waking up to me every morning ?

jungkook didn’t answer he just awfully bite his lip and you did really regret saying that he kept looking at your eyes

you sighed and kicked the blanket

“what are you doing?” he asked wearing his shirt

“i will get ready i have an appointment with my psychologist

“coming with you

you turned to him “why ?

“c’mon y/N i know why you are going there now and i want to help you so don’t try to keep your self struggling alone in this he said leaving the room you didn’t find any chance to reply him

jungkook rolled the road he knew the office so you didn’t tell him any thing you kept silence even your heart was flattering it was the first time some one was here for you

Albert was looking at you still in the door you kept looking at him

“aren’t you deciding to come in yet he chuckled and you giggled

“i passed by to see you because i have news

“y/N what’s going on with you come in he stood and quit his chair behind his desk

“actually Albert you need to celebrate today

“really why ?

“you kept nagging on me that i’m always here alone and i’m happy to tell you

“that she will never walk here alone again “ jungkook suddenly appeared from behind your back his circled your waist from behind

“hey doctor” jungkook greeted Albert who was chocked

you both came in

“i think i really need to call it a day

you nodded

you started telling him about your stability this last days and how you finally told jungkook about the rape incident

Albert didn’t talk a lot he liked how both you and jungkook was talking the spark in your eyes and the way he looked at you

Albert could now understand why jungkook did all this effort and he felt proud of him

jungkook finally shook Albert hand nodding they looked like they first met and you really wasn’t paying attention

well, good luck for you guys try to give your selves more time

you couldn’t ask your consultant that you wanted to tell kook about your crush in Alexander as jungkook was there so you decided to call him later

-

what is your plan for the rest of the day ?he asked when you both got in his car

“thank you “you let out looking deeply in his eyes

jungkook sweetly touched your cheek “i’m happy to do this it’s me who need to thank you for let me in finally

all you were looking for now was his kiss but he just turned to ran the engine and you felt upset

you were pouting the whole way and jungkook seemed to enjoy that

“where shall i take you he asked and you rolled your eyes

“company , i want to see my brother and my sweet cousin you teased and jungkook barely looked at you

you finally were in front of the company

“see you later you said ready to go out when jungkook suddenly grabbed your wrist pulling you closer he picked your lips gently before biting it

“does this sweet cousin could make you feel this good, he dangerously mumbled between his hot kisses

you giggled “don’t worry he’s taken you winked and left him waving before going in

you went to greet Namjoon and he really was happy you came to visit him

“i’m sorry baby i need to go we have a meeting right now but do you wanna join?

“no !!you jumped ready to run out his office as he chuckled “you know i hate serious faces in the meeting room

“fine see you at home

“ok oppa take care

you left to the mall feeling guilty that you didn’t ask jungkook to wait so you both could have lunch together but what surprised you the most was you meeting the pretty Deutsche lady again and this time she insisted to invite you for a coffee but then it turned to be a lunch

you enjoyed telling her about your childhood in Germany and that you kept going there twice a year to visit siblings and she told you how much she liked Asia when she first came as a student that her classmate fell hard for her she told you how sweet he was and that they decided to get married how they worked hard until they built a good future

she was unique and attractive you liked her sweet topics and how elegant she looked ,even her face was familiar  her smile was like jungkook’s warm and sweet you grinned at how much obsessed with him the way you saw his smile in this woman lips

“well i have a request y/N ssi she said

“tell me you said waiting her

“i would like you to visit me tomorrow i want to know you better she insisted and you felt shy but gladly accepted well, an hour with this wonderful women will never bother you

after having her address and going out you just took a taxi home you weren’t ready for another night far of jungkook

you all made dinner as usual and finally

you and jungkook were lying down looking to the ceiling your heart was flattering feeling his touch in your arm you enjoyed the quiet moment with him before you decided to roll on your side and wrap his torso

you worked gently with your fingers making flattered circles as jungkook was enjoying your touch you know he was turned in already

“Jungkook you have a boner” you said teasing him

He looked at you “ don’t you know how hard i get when you touch me”

You giggled kissing his chest as your hand slipped under his sweatpants fabric  "Shit”

you heard him cursing as he felt your touch on his growing bulge Your lips locked in a kiss while you were giving him a hand job

“Fuck you’re driving me crazy” His hot moans and slight whimpers as he was close made you wetter you were feeling soaking just looking at him in the eye

"Y/N” he moaned your name again and you just got a sign to jump on jungkook hands were eager to took off the panties you were wearing as you fixed your body in top

With a steady hands in his chest you moved on top of him and he perfectly gripped your hips digging them more into his

“fuck you feel so good around me” he let out and you were close enough to collapse on top of him jungkook was already cumming too so he just held into you still moving slowly you shyly hided your face in his chest Both were still cuddling when you finally decided to tell him what you wanted since days

"Kook ah ”

Yeah baby ?” He asked half sleepy

“ I want to tell you something else about me you bit your lips as he looked down to meet your eyes

“Please if it’s bad thing just keep it to Monday we don’t need to argue before tomorrow night”

“Why?? what’s going on in tomorrow’s night ”

we will hit a party and yoongi hyung and i will prepare every thing you need to wear a cute and gorgeous dress

“Really!! Why does no one tell me we were having dinner just hours before “you pouted and jungkook cutely brushed your nose

"Only guys had a clue i just talked to them in the morning don’t worry me too i have a pretty good surprise for you

Your eyes widened and you immediately sat on the bed “tell me now ?

"How it’s supposed to be a surprise if i just told you now? jungkook giggled and you hit his chest and shoulders as he didn’t stop laughing

"Well i guess i will delayed this for tomorrow too” you mumbled still rolling your eyes

"Do you know what is the other thing i really like in you add to your cuteness He dangerously whispered and suddenly snatched your legs and spread them so he could got a great view "you being a sexy goddess he said going down on you

"Omg! you cried out feeling the sparks suddenly flattering your body from head to toe

-

The next morning you didn’t find jungkook when you woke up but you saw the coffee mug near your stand and you grinned noticing the note

"Morning gorgeous don’t forget the pretty dress and i’m sorry to not wake up next to you today my mom needs me the whole day let’s meet in the party love “

You chuckled as he called you love and took your coffee tasting it

"It tasted jungkook” you said smirking You took a shower and tried some dresses before you settled on a fire red dress in was short and circled but what you liked as a detail was The delicate pearls and jewelry on the back so you will just raise your hair up and see how it will looks

you didn’t forget also to put your Victoria lingerie with the dress aside you wanted to wear it for him you know it will be a crazy hot night

Trying to kick the dirty thoughts you finally put on a light skinny jeans and a white top it was a sexy short top then your velvet jacket you chose some accessories and a nude heels you wanted to look pretty in your first visit to Elene house

-

jungkook looked to his mom still can’t recognize that she was nagging for two days to see him for this!!

“mom i still can’t believe you want to hook me up with a girl i don’t even know”

“ Alex baby i fell hard for her, i’m sure she wasn’t wearing a wring and all you need is to come and greet us if you liked her just say so if not it’s ok”

Jungkook chuckled he didn’t believe this his mom never did this before for sure that girl was pretty

"I’m sorry mom but i already picked a girl who i think she is the right for me Mrs jeon eyes were beaming

"Alex!! you’re not playing around are you !   oh my god why didn’t you just let me meet her”

“ You will do soon mom”

Great even i feel sorry any way i need to go downstairs just come to say hi for my sweet guest

He grinned and looked back to his phone You finally arrived to the area it was’t far from your grandpa mansion so for sure this family was one of the first who lived in this  neighborhood

You parked and quit the car, the house maid greeted you and you were welcomed by Elene

"oh hi y/N i’m hella gad you make it actually i was kinda worried that you will not like my company as i’m in your mom age”

You cutely smiled reassuring her "Oh no i did i really do enjoy it that’s why i’m here

you both sat on the golden salon it was really luxurious her house looked like a museum

“Do you like my house? ”

A lot i think you pecked  original pieces of arts to use “

“Hhh yeah my husband before he dead was obsessed with this, he liked to buy this kind of things and after he passed away me and my boys decided to take care of this big house we came here twice of more a year but now i think i will stay here my sons could take care of the business

"Yeah it will be great having you around

-

Jungkook was wearing all in black still not brushing his hair up when he went out his room he heard his mother giggles and for some reasons he felt curious about her guest so he made his way to downstairs

Mrs jeon saw him from her side” Aha that’s my son coming” she said and you put down the coffee cup and stood up still not seeing him

Jungkook stopped half away when he recognized you

"Alexander what are you doing in there come and greet miss kim

Only god know what kind  of feelings and how chocked you were locking eyes with the young man it was finally him ..

:o :o :o jeon jungkook is jungshook now may god help him i’m out of this kkkkk

yo i mean i will try to fix it but

later evilish laugh kkkk !!

don’t mind me guys i’m sick and i found out the flu fell for me hard like he liked sticking with me heeeeelp -_-