#and it was the same fucking class as ap lang but honestly stupider

[vulpinesaint]

what if i cried over having to take this stupid fucking rhetoric class again

[readmyjournal1996-blog]

i fucking hate--

12/13/2017

I fucking hate the new Instagram update. Before, I could go through my search feed (idk what it’s called), and wander from cooking post, to hair post, to meme, and back to more food posts. Now, if I click on a a hair post, I only see hair posts. Not even different ones, like they’re literally all the same.  

I also just fucking hate social media in general. Okay, more like I hate to love it, because I’m always on, and I’m too much of a pussy to actually delete anything anyway. I did, however, delete the Facebook app from my phone, so I mean, I guess that’s a start… right? I say so. But I should just rip the band-aid off and do it, because it’s not like anyone is counting on me to keep it, you know? Who cares if I delete it? Maybe my boyfriend who likes to google me every now and then because he’s bored (I say he’s paranoid). That’s all I can think of. And don’t even get me started on how shitty it makes me feel?!

Listen, I’m completely aware of these things work. Social media. Brag about yourself and what you have, and make everyone think that your life is 110% perfect. And get the likes and comments and all that other shit to make yourself feel better. I mean, I know I certainly feel good about getting them. Unfortunately, lol. But I also feel super shitty when a picture that means a lot to me only gets the same 20 likes from the same 20 people who go around following and liking everyone’s picture.

Maybe I’m just thinking about it too much…. Yes, most definitely. Everyone does! And I’m so sick of seeing everyone’s perfect life goals playing out for them perfectly, and things just going there way without problem, because DAMN, if only I could just have a little bit of that. Anyway.

I fucking hate this throbbing headache that I have after only the first of my three finals. I feel sick. And it’s not even today, like I feel sick all the time. I’m just super out of shape; moreover (learned this fancy sentence trick in AP Lang my junior year of high school—wassap), I eat like a fucking dump truck. Really. I fill my body with such gross food, it’s nasty. And I don’t take care of my body. Sigh.

I fucking hate the conversation I had with some girls from my Cell Bio class today, where we talked about how ridiculous the stress is we put ourselves through, just for a number out of 4, that is supposed to define the thousands of dollars and time and effort over four years. That’s what it boils down too. What is your GPA? Can’t be a lawyer with a shitty one. Can’t be a doctor with a shitty one. Does it matter? I don’t even want to be a doctor. What the fuck do I want to be? I don’t know? I don’t even know what I like. I’m mediocre at best at a lot of things, and nothing has called to be my passion, like it has been for so many others.

What I need to be doing, is looking for some stupid internships. I guess. Right? I could mix some fruit fly food for a lab. Biology. I could… be a lab bitch and do whatever shitty work has to be done for an actual scientist. Biology. How dumb would that be. Just doing more busy work.

I fucking hate that life just feels like one big pile of busy work. I don’t know if there’s going to be anything worthwhile underneath it, and I sure as hell don’t know how to get out of it. I just gotta figure things out already. I’m so physically tired of this semester. I haven’t been this tired in my life. At least when I worked like a dog over the summer, I was getting a decent paycheck. Now, I get to pay thousands of dollars for it instead.

I shouldn’t be like this, I know. I promise you—all maybe 1-2 of you that perhaps happened to stumble over this and read it—I promise you that I’m going to start trying. After finals. After this Friday, December 15th. Because fuck, life is too short.

I’m kidding. I hate that phrase. “Life is too short.” Maybe I should begin to like it, because doing it for myself honestly isn’t the motivation that’s going to keep me running right now, lol. I think of myself, and I see this lazy piece of unmotivated trash, that’s gained the most weight she ever has in her life, and I don’t want to do it for her. I’m just going to do it because you know what, I have nothing better to do. And there is nothing in my life that is just calling to me, so maybe I can just try to focus on this and sculpt this new creature that looks bawling in a bikini, and can wear whatever she want’s, but be comfortable in her own skin.

I hate how nervous I am about this. I think that I’m going to fail, and I really just don’t want that to happen. I want to think of myself as this strong person who can do it, who can push herself and get what she needs to get done. But… we’ll see, I suppose. And sometimes I still try to tell myself that; that I’m as strong as I have made myself up to be. Maybe when I told myself that in high school, it was true. But now I’m just running low on fumes. I just needed to break a little bit before I could realize it again…

Fuck…

> If you never break > you’ll never know how to put yourself > back together

I knew those were my favorite lyrics for a reason.

I fucking hate a lot of things right now, and this semester just fuckin dumped a load of highlighter onto those things. But you know what, Real Friends is right. I’m never going to learn how to put myself back into a functioning self unless I break.

And I know that’s been done very thoroughly! So it can only get better from here, right? Come on, new year, new me, RIGHT?!