#and it only reinforces the pattern of partners leaving bc i am too mentally ill
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so apparently i am also cringey to my girlfriend in addition to gross and annoying
#she just saw a hulu thing i guess related to did or something and was like omg did is the newest trend#and she was talking about how it's super rare and that people on tumblr and tik tok are faking and doing it for attention#so i told her that i was concerned she would think i was cringey if i had such a disorder or something in that realm#and she immediately snapped that i definitely don't have that#she was like obvs you dissociate but i would notice if you had something like that#and we're just sitting here wanting to scream#so i told her that i do have something in that realm just maybe less severe or slightly different#and she was like well if you were diagnosed then maybe that's a different story being from a doctor#but until then i am just a cringey teen did trender#it feels like i am so annoying and embarrassing and tiring to be around#lately she makes me feel bad about myself mental health wise#and it only reinforces the pattern of partners leaving bc i am too mentally ill#and i am actually pretty tame since i am actively not engaging in self harm or my eating disorder or other substance abuse#and i work full time! something she can't do because of HER mental health!#i hate this so much#i hate that i always try so hard to be supportive and it feels like i never receive any of it back#and it makes me frustrated and be mean sometimes bc i am resentful that i don't feel the same support or gentleness#i just want someone to see i am not okay and still love me through it and also not judge me#instead i spend my time hiding and trying to be normal and trying to be the person who people come to for support#a part is screaming i just want to be loved and it feels like i was punched in the gut#ohhhh and this reminds me i also feel cringey for not caring about gender or i guess that's agender or whatever#and my gf finds nb/neogendery people to be trendy cringey and insufferable#so i guess i tip toe around it by being gnc and describing my preferences rather than identifying as agender#i need a hug#i need to go#i gotta run#ok bye now
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