#and it made me so unexpectedly depressed and upset that i am posting on tumblr about my fucking middle school kpop obsession. it's so dire

[pocketgalaxies]

reminiscing as a 2NE1 fan means realizing that the complete lack of actual love and respect held for these women by the industry they completely redefined is pervasive even in the way their music was written and produced

[zo-no]

This is an overshare for tumblr but I've checked my blog stats nobody reads this other than on the tumblr home page and I'm pretty sure only a tenth of my followers are still active having had this blog for 7 YEARS omg haha- so it doesn't really matter because nobody irl will see it! (And if you do go away) Anyway I feel so trapped in my current life, I feel like I have 3 options 1) get another shitty retail job and be less lonely for a couple of years but also not use any of my potential whatsoever and just work up the ranks to be a manager or something but that leaves me stuck in my town which is not what I want 2) try and get into uni again and get into around £50,000 debt and not even be sure of a better job at the end of it anyways also idk what I want to do for a degree or where I want to live or anything, I just feel like I know I'm smart and could definitely do uni and it's a waste if I don't idk 3) take another gap year (bringing me up to about 5 gap years on and off haha) and either travel Europe until I run out of money or apply for a working holiday visa in another country and think about what I want to do away from all the stresses of my family home which is messy and sad. Since that morning in December I just don't want to be there anymore (I can't really talk about it on here but if anybody wants to talk about it in private we can idk I've not really had a chance to talk about how I feel about it, it's all about what happened to him because he's the 'victim' but he's not the victim he's the one that got arrested, he is a grown adult and he made some big mistakes BLAH) But at the same time I do love him and when I was away a couple of weeks ago there was a dead body found in the fields past my house and I was pretty convinced it was him. It wasn't though. Also in a couple of days it's the 3 year anniversary of the day i lost somebody very special and if you followed my blog in 2014 you will know that this particular event RUINED me and my life for a good year, where I spiralled into total depression and had to drop out of uni. It turns out finding somebody you love had passed away unexpectedly whilst you were in the room next door and having to go through the trauma of doing cpr on them but still losing them really ruins your chances of getting your nursing degree :( I always feel bad posting about it and I feel like I've never got a chance to be too upset about it because it 'wasn't my family' and yes it was a lot worse for my friend but I was still there, I still witnessed it, I still had to watch it all happen and I felt so useless like I'd been hit with a thousand bricks in the face. I didn't sleep for 52 hours or something crazy after that night. Anyway after that happened, I got social anxiety so bad I spent May 2014- June 2015 stuck in my family home too scared to go outside on my own without my friends or family in case I saw something bad happen and couldn't help them again and it was just BAD, bad, bad, bad. So maybe I am not in the mindset to be making the life decision of what I should be doing. I mean I've been in a really good mood up until this week planning my life on the run in cute hostels across Europe and making friends all over the world!! I just haven't been able to think straight this week because knowing the anniversary of this event is coming up is messing with my mind. It was the worst day of my life and I really don't know if anything will beat it. I just don't want to be trapped in my home again. I can't be here for more than a few hours without getting so stressed. I love them but I want to move on and I don't want to be part of this house for much longer. That said if anybody wants to talk about it or give me any advice about wtf I should do with my life next then please do because I've spent my whole day in my bedroom watching Simpsons and feeling sorry for myself just like 2014 me D; P.S if you do give me life advice I will return the favour either with life advice or I will draw you a cute picture of anything you want lmao (I can't draw but I will as a present to say thank you!)

[noodle-is-gudle]

Here’s Me Bitching: A Master Post

Christmas is just around the corner and, of course, that signals stresses to pop back out of the woodwork. Presents are still to be made and god knows they have to be done perfectly, but I’m just struggling. I’ve been wanting to keep my social down on media for a while and this break I really strive to keep a relaxed mood. The constant bombardment of interactions from people for the last 5 months, plus working, has caused me to want to drop all talking with everyone. Nobody is perfect and everyone is just... ugh right now.  Below this cut, I warn you, is mostly me rambling about my life and whatever fucking stress I’ve dealt with. Also a lot of ranting about parent history. Not looking for an “it will get better” or “sorry hun” kinda thing. I guess I just want to yell into the Tumblr void. 

Maybe I’ve been a bitch on my end with trying to space myself away from everyone, but that doesn’t make the other parties any less guilty of being bitches. If people could just understand that I prefer to be by myself when doing most everything then life would be fucking exceptional, but not everyone grasps that. Even now my phone is exploding with conversations and I just have to turn them off.  It’s gotten me into some trouble, though. I try to make an effort to go and be social, but some people are harder to force yourself to be around than others when you’re already on empty. Those are the people that the very thought of talking to them makes you want to go into a coma for a month just to escape and maybe catch some Z’s.  Traveling has been difficult for me these last three months. The cold doesn’t help, but from the lack of sleep and traveling just about every day to and from the city had left my body weak and my mind frustrated. Everyone... and I mean everyone, was a struggle to keep around. Between going to bed somewhere between 2 AM-5AM, getting up at 5:45 AM, and catching a train for 7 AM, I just found myself becoming more stressed and angrier.  I’m someone who loves to go out and explore. I didn’t get to do that much until I started exploring with my partner, and you better believe I wanted to go adventuring every damn weekend, but as the school year went on and projects became finals, I found myself spending my weekends sleeping and working. No, the cold wouldn’t stop me from exploring, but sleep sure as fuck can. I hadn’t been reaming for WEEKS, and I’m a very elaborate dreamer. Just this week I’ve gained those plot-filled dreams again and that means that I’m caught up enough and not as stressed. I feel alive and refreshed on that note, but I still need a damn break from humans, holy shit.  On the topic of the trouble scene, this has caused some horrid issues with my mother (which is really no surprise if I’ve ever talked to you about her). Now, my mother has been through some shit, ladies and gents. This woman’s back is just a degenerating mess where she has to walk with a walker and she had a stroke just about a year ago. She’s not even 40 yet. Not to mention her husband and “love of her life” has been playing the “leave and come back” chase game so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve seen her lose her mind. I’ve heard her scream about dying, wanting to die, waiting to die, and so forth. I try to make an effort to see her when I can, but school has been worse and worse with the workload due to the classes I want taking (including a costuming class that was about a 6-hour class into the night, taking up a lot of my time). That’s something she doesn’t understand though. That’s where the problem lies. She believes that I can “make time” to text, call, or come down to see her. I could barely find time to sleep or do anything that gave me any sort of happiness by myself. Me time didn’t exactly exist for three months, folks. Not to mention sometimes her texts don’t get through or my phone doesn’t alert me. Me having an android and her having an apple make a connection a little difficult sometimes.  I could very well make time, I guess if I truly wanted to text/ talk on the phone for hours about her and her drama or how she’s constantly sick.  I feel bad that she’s sick, but she never tells me she’s sick until she’s guilting me or wanting me to feel sorry for her. Guess that’s the same thing, actually.  She’s not a saint. She plays mind games and takes joy in it no matter who it is. She has to be right about everything. Now, I’ve tried to get away from these traits that I have picked up from her. I don’t play mind games in the same sense as her and I used to scream a lot about being right when I wasn’t. I think I’m better than I was in high school because I want to actually learn because I make mistakes (a lot of them). The problem is she is my mother, but she’s a bully and bullies her own children. I think a lot of our issues could be solved if she’d listen to my side or my feelings without forcing me to feel another way. She’s kicked me out of her life 3 times now, 2 of which she forced me to come back against my consent to being ready to see her. When I was told I had to go back to her house I cried. I remember crying out of fear until the day I’d get there. And she wouldn’t sit me down with her (I was 16-18 around these times) and talk things out like a mother would. I’d sit in angry silence and she’d have the house dark. She’d move around the room like nothing had happened and start telling me to get over it. Just telling me that I was in the wrong each time for our fights.  I remember the first fight involved her husband (fiance at the time) coming back home after running off to Florida and leaving my mother homeless. She was moved back in with her parents until she had a place of her own again. During the time he was away I was hurt that he’d leave my mother because he didn’t want to live up north. He’s fucking extreme like that. My mom, who had moved out of her parents not that long ago, was now back there and depressed that her lover left her. She threated to throw her engagement ring into the river and wanted to find someone else. I remember messaging him how disgusted I was that he left our family (and it wasn’t the first time he had also left around my birthday once). In my eyes, he was dead to me, so of course, after my mother gets her own place and we make it our own I’m fucking pissed that he’s back and we all act like nothing happened. That was fight number one. A little more on the angry teenager side, but damn, I still feel pretty right on that end for being pissed. I think the reason I was most pissed was that she refused to let me go home until I screamed, thus her calling me a “monster” as she’s talking shit on me in the other room (there are thin walls, I can hear you). I remember for a month I was in a “shut-down” state (which, looking back, was definitely a fit of depression) with my CD player on loop to “Sleep” by MCR. I can’t listen to that song anymore after a month of just that.  Fight #2 happened all because I wanted to go to a birthday party. A friend, I think, was having their 18th on a weekend I was with my mother (custody agreement had my brother and I go over every other weekend). Anytime friends had things going on for the weekend I was at her place she refused to let me go. This weekend wasn’t any different, but for some reason being a senior and having this still happened to me threw me overboard. I don’t remember most of the converstaion, other than me being pissed and her being MORE pissed that I was some sort of horrible child. Again, kicked out of the house for a month and forced back against my will.  Here we are in fight 3. This time I was so calm it’s a weird contrast between my other fights. I think the only reason I’m mad is that this fight had me so upset I had to cancel my plan to go to Cracker Barrel with my partner. YOU DON’T KEEP A BOY AWAY FROM HIS CRACKER BARREL.  Anyway. My mother texts me out of nowhere as I’m ready to take a nap before we go out, “I text you, you never answer”. Now I had texted her Friday when she asked me about coming down for the weekend when I told her I couldn’t because of Christmas shopping (and some other personal matters that kept me from going down). She had invited me to some Christmas party for Saturday night at this... bar club thing? I don’t really know what it is, but I’m not 21 yet and I hate being surrounded by people drinking... But Saturday was a rough day and I knew it would be given the personal matters that were going down on that day unexpectedly, so I had to decline. Being at a place with drinking I don’t think would have been the best environment.  Aparently she texted me on Saturday. A picture of my stepdad singing, I believe. The something about a house? I’m guessing given the text was specifically “the house” it’s either about a new house or our old house that we’re sure was haunted by something. So I feel kinda bad because I don’t know what texts she’s talking about, but then, BUT THEN, before I can text anything about not know what she means by “the house” she texts... “I feel forgotten” “I want to cancel xmas” Hold the phone, honey. You want to cancel Christmas because I didn’t see two texts you sent me that I don’t think I ever got? Well, one, I’m not a small child anymore. Cancelling a holiday I don’t even enjoy isn’t going to make me change my spirits and cling to you like flies on honey. So here we start to have the dramatic shit, which pisses me off to no end, but I stay cool. Gotta stay cool with my partner right next to me.  She clarifies it’s the old house.  Then when I ask her why she wants to cancel she answers that no one comes over or wants to see her. Which, okay, I usually don’t want to go over, but keep in mind finals just ended the friday she originally texted me about coming over. That was my first day of vacation and I was fucking gonna sleep. Not travel in traffic. One FUCKING day to myself is NOT too much to ask when I was in the CITY almost ALL WEEK. Not to mention my brother was over the week before. She then goes to tell me she only bought me one gift, which okay. That’s cool. I only ever give one gift to people and I asked for money this year from people because I don’t have room for things. I’d rather go out to dinner or go see a movie or, I dunno, save up for an apartment.  She goes on to say she hasn’t seen me in a month (finals time, which has been explained to her by countless people) and tells me I stopped caring. Holy shit, here we go with the putting feelings on my character bio. Tries to guilt me by saying my brother cries that he’s lonely (to which I plan to hang with him more during the break) and talks about her husband wanting to move to Florida again which is nothing new it’s all he fucking talks about so just go already???? She tells me how things aren’t the same... Like, yeah Sherlock, your kids are adults and one is in college now. How the fuck were things going to stay the same?  She then goes on to say she’s invited me down many times and that she’s not going to ask me down anymore. See, I find the irony of this being that she kept me away from so many friends that would think the same thing (I invite you over many times and you never come over). She had asked me to come down during the week before Christmas when I’m on break, which I can’t do. I haven’t been able to make any presents during the school year and this week was dedicated to making those (and I have  LOT to make). Keep in mind she also believes that just because my partner can drive, then that means I can come down whenever, which is wrong because what the fuck? He’s not some personal chauffeur for me. I hate to ask him to drive me places. I tell her that I’ll see her Christmas Eve because she’s coming over for Seven Fishes with everyone else. Apparently that hurt her. Now, in this moment, you can see me going through every moment of my life where she hurt me.  This is where I have enough and tell her that I’m not doing this. That I’m not having her guilt me into coming over. That I’ve been busy for months now and the one FUCKING time I was free her husband RUINED THAT BECAUSE HE SCREAMED HORRIBLE SHIT INTO MY BROTHER’S FACE AND TO MAKE IT WORSE MY PARTNER WAS THERE AND HAD TO SEE THAT ALL. HOW FUCKING DARE HE CALL MY BROTHER A “MOTHER FUCKER” AND LATER PERSUADE MY MOTHER THAT HE DID NOTHING WRONG. THE ONE FUCKING TIME I COME OVER, THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE WHO YOU DO NOTHING BUT CHASE AFTER RUINS THAT SHIT TO WHERE I’M CRYING FOR HOURS FROM PURE EMBARRASSMENT JUST AFTER BEING MAD AT YOU LAST MONTH FOR INSULTING MY RELATIONSHIP, SAYING THAT IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN WE CUDDLE ON THE COUCH NEAR YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT’S UNCOMFORTABLE, MOTHER DEAREST? WATCHING A MAN WALK ALL OVER YOU AND CALL YOU FAT WHEN YOU’RE STARVING. WATCHING A MAN GROPE YOUR ASS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. HEARING THE TWO OF YOU BICKER ABOUT MONEY FOR NO FUCKING REASON. WATCHING A MAN REFUSE TO SAY HE LOVES YOU IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE WHEN YOU SAY IT TO HIM. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BEG FOR LOVE. I’M SCARED OF LIVING WITH PEOPLE BECAUSE OF YOU TWO.  AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE THING ABOUT ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP, MY DEAR SWEET MOTHER? KNOWING THAT ANIMAL HAS YOU WRAPPED AROUND HIS FINGER. THAT “NO” FROM YOU IS SILENT AND YOU CAN’T SAY THAT TO HIM. THAT HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS TO YOU AND YOUR BODY AGAINST YOUR CONSENT. THAT’S NOT LOVE. THAT’S FUCKING INSANE. I don’t care that you don’t want to chase me, even though you will chase me like all the other toxic fucking people in my life do. I wish you’d get the help you need, but you’re gone. You’re not the mother I loved growing up. You’re not my mother. You’re what he made you. Keeping you in that house by yourself. You sit and rot into a disrespectful monster of human flesh, waiting for the next person to be pissed at who doesn’t agree with your sick, sad, twisted world. You used to care about people. Used to actually smile. But once he came into your life you just degenerated into this sad thing, and I want to help you after all the shit you two have put down on me. Made me see. Made me hear. Made me feel. That part of me that loves you unconditionally wants to help you get the help you need, but you don’t listen. Because you’re right. You’re always right.  Christmas is canceled. Fuck it.