#and it made him insanely uncomfortable and self conscious even though he knows it shouldnt

[suddenly-stickmin]

Someone kept being mean to Johnny :[

[cherrylight]

hihi im typing thoughts dw dw im doing ok :D they just come to me and i need to let them OUT 

i adore selfshipping. i adore it so much. i adore the fact that i can gush about characters that i tend to fear so much on gushing about because the entire fandom gushes about them or a certain person gushes about them that i feel uncomfortable to announce my love for them.

i adore that i started selfshipping when i was really young, i adore that i made my self insert, ally all those years ago, im so happy i can gush freely without fear even if fear eats me all the time because im self conscious about everything ever. 

im happy i can act like a kid again through selfshipping, im happy i can do that; im happy i found an outlet to comfort myself and a coping mechanism that makes me insanely happy; im happy i can do selfshipping for fun and people wont attack me because im in love with a popular character from its media.

yes, there are times im deeply fearful that if i openly gush too much im annoying and overbearing and i try so hard to not do that, but there are days where i wanna talk my heart out. but im afraid im always afraid to because i never ... had this because i stopped because people were more fond of canon x canon at the time and i didnt want to ruin it. so i jumped on the train, and yes, i adore canon x canon as its fun and i can talk about ships i also really adore.

but there are times where i see ships that make me insanely uncomfortable and make me question *why* and there are times going i should be with this character they shouldnt be with a character theyre shipped with and i miss ...... gushing and miss filling my heart with love, i miss thinking of cute cute scenarios that make me squeal and giggle, i miss it and im...

im happy i remembered my self insert a long time ago. because if i didnt, i know this selfship blog would never exist and i would still fall into canon x canon territory for the rest of time, so yes, im really grateful i managed to dive back into old things because im so happy over it.

im excited, 

but also really scared because im self conscious and i fear on talking too much, i fear sometimes doing this was a mistake, when im told its not a mistake and you should continue, i fear so much because i never been *myself* or i never openly gush about characters that have my heart forever and ever and i cant let them go no matter what i do.

i fear someone would find this blog and make me feel awful for doing this. i fear that a lot actually. i fear that someone will ruin this for me and i have to find a new outlet. im afraid of this being taken away from me, because selfshipping is honestly a safety net for me. ive said that before. i know. but it is, its safety, it makes me feel safe, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy, and i dont want it taken.

either way: im glad i made this blog. im so happy i made it, even though i have a lot of self doubts and fears, im glad i made this blog. it makes me remember how happy and excited i was to gush about fictional characters when i was younger or the fact i wrote up really cheesy things with them.

im glad i can gush about a specific character that i couldnt seem to gush freely about because someone else did and it made my heart hurt and i didnt understand *why*.

i know why: he has my heart entirely and hearing someone else gush freely about him without a care in the world scares me and hurts me.

so, yes: im really happy about this blog. im good. mostly.