#and it just made me feel bad like this is really how my life will.always be

[rosalesbeausderholle]

I really feel like I've missed so much, and it was all thanks to my self isolation during my teen years. And like, I know other people who feel like this too, but they managed to pull through. I got stuck.

My friend was like me when we were both in high school (dif towns) but by the end of her last year she managed to find a big reliable group of friends within her town who she's still friends with today, and they're always doing stuff together. I never managed to have that. I was too depressed and too scared from the bullying that I refused to make connections in either of our towns. Not that's I'd know how to start either.

And I thought I would get better at it at college, and I sorta did, I did get a big good group of friends but they're all, well, nerds like me, which isn't bad, but they all live far away and they all don't like going out to like parties and shit that much? And in summer we see each other like maybe 4 times?

Still, because of them, I thought I got past the mental block I had with people, but I didn't! studying abroad this year was hell in this regard, I met lots of awesome people but I never managed to open up and to connect like on a deeper level, I had the opportunity to do all the normal things, the parties and the trips and the spending time together every day. And I did some of it, but I'm still so introverted that I still need my alone time so I didn't manage to always hang out, which led to me being more like an accessory to the groups than a true part of it. I couldn't be with them always and I didn't manage to open up. They all just barely know me, I didn't even got to tell them about lots of things that are just who I am. There was just this big concrete block between me and other people and I wasn't able to get past it.

This was the chance, my chance to go and have a group of friends that actually LIVE near me, who I can just show up to their dorm rooms and just talk and just do stuff together always and have the dream crazy university life and I just... I blew it! I didn't even get a quarter to where I wanted to get, I barely managed to not simply isolate myself the whole year. Because I'm a mess, a total anxiety wreck.

In my home town/near, I only have 3 friends and they're not even friends with each other, they all have their own different groups within the town and I hang out with all of them but I can't do that always. They're very good friends. Same with my uni friends, I love all of them, but I don't hang out with them enough because we don't get enough times when all of or even most of them don't have something else going on.

(Same applies to internet friends for obvious reasons)

And I need more, more human connection. But I'm always the afterthought. And I'll always will be and it's my own fault for being so unapproachable, so anxious, so weird. And I'm 22, and I missed the best part of my teen years and now of my young adulthood too, what do I even have left?