#and it gets repetitive and tiring. and 2) if we makeout long enough i just wanna fuckkkkkk but i cant fuck

[hairydykecunt]

i hate being mentally ill bc it is very easy to make something negative so quick. someone was flirting with me via petting my head and at first i was like aw that’s a cute way to flirt ig but then the more i thought about it i was like urghhgh no body wants to pet my head like a little cat without being somewhat attracted to me!!! aw ppl treat me like that bc they know i like it not bc they want to!!! and i think i am being stupid and overreacting but it’s this odd thing of like. maybe i don’t wanna be treated like a cute cat if the other persons doing it to fuck me or whatever. i don’t want head pets bc you think i’ll like it and it’s flirting, i want head pets bc my hair is so fluffy and u like how it calms me down/relaxes me. but again i think i’m just being stupid and overthinking, i can’t fully know if the reason they chose petting my head as a flirting method is bc they do that or bc they assumed that’s what’d work

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

Hello stranger...

It’s been a while since I wrote in here. At the moment I’m training myself to stay awake for these upcoming night shifts and I thought what better use of my time than to write a long post on here for you. 

I have a lot to apologise for. 

Even though we have skyped quite a lot today, i still feel guilty and ashamed of myself. For the past 1-2 months I really haven't been a good boyfriend to you. I’m expecting you to read this and just nod and nod and go “fucking hell finally he realises” and hopefully forgive me after. You have been having a very tough time recently and your mental health hasn't been great and teaching has been hard and you’ve been overworked and tired and what did you need? some support and someone to tell you everything will be okay and someone to listen to all your worries and concerns. I do not feel like I have been that person. I think I have been selfish recently and, since finding out I'm not here after easter, have put in more effort with my house than i have with you. i didn't always make time to FT you and i overreacted (or under reacted) to things, I dismissed things, I told you not to worry about things when they were blatantly worrying you, i wasn't there for you. Nothing will make that okay and trust me i am beside myself with anger and I'm so ashamed of myself and to think that I've hurt you by not supporting you really kills me inside. I have not been the person I usually am and i honestly cannot feel more apologetic than i do right now. 

A week ago (last wednesday?), we had a rather large argument about sex etc and it got pretty out of hand to the point where we didn't seem like we would properly make it through. I was so stupid to say some of the things i did. I must have just been too worked up about it because at the end of the day i really actually don't care. If you ask me whats more important; shagging all the time or having someone to talk to, hug, kiss, lounge around in bed with, go to the cinema with, go to a museum with, go travelling with, FaceTime for hours - you know which Id choose. We are going to prague very very soon and if i can ask one thing of you it is this - DO NOT WORRY about sex. Please. I know that is so much easier said than done but i couldn't care less. In prague what i want is a lovely relaxed time with you where you don't have to tread on eggshells or worry about what will happen later, i want to live purely in the moment with you. i hate myself that I've inadvertently subjected you to this sort of pressure and its not fair at all - its not right. I will say it now, i do not expect ANYTHING from you in prague. What i’m really craving now, and have been always, is affection. I want hugs from behind, cuddles at random moments, random kisses on the cheeks, makeouts, bum squeezes, long hugs. thats what i want. i want you to know that ever since that argument i have felt so incredibly guilty. we say we are all good over Skype but at the back of my mind I'm still feeling horrible for that argument and i think its the elephant in the room - this may not be the actual case but in my mind I'm convinced that its still causing problems and I'm worried for how you feel towards me. So please, please, please, do not worry one single bit. If you kiss me before you go to bed and kiss me when you wake up, that is good enough for me - believe me when i say that. 

Ive been reading your diary all evening and yeah I've shed quite a few tears. I have not appreciated you the way i should have over the past few months. Fuck me i am the luckiest man alive to have you as my girlfriend. you mean the world to me and i am so so in love with you i cannot imagine not being with you. i wish more than anything i could take back these recent times and just stop being such a dick. I was the biggest fool ever to let us grow slightly apart but please understand i will do everything i can to help us get back together properly. I don't feel like you’re 100% there at the moment, you’re not as affectionate over ft or over text even at the moment and in my mind I'm putting that down to you still getting over how I've treated you and maybe subconsciously giving me a taste of my own medicine - i may be completely wrong but I'm trying to rationalise it. I wouldn't blame you if you were. I just feel like i really need you to realise how important you are to me. You are my best friend, my confidant, my number one girl and the one person i want to share everything with. there are no excuses for how I've treated you (and i may be blowing it out of proportion idk) but i can tell you now it will never happen again. ever. 

You also commented how you think you’ve changed so much this year. You think youve become a lot more independent and matured a lot - that is absolutely fucking fantastic news to hear and i am so proud of you and i support that fully! I think thats such an important trait to have and such a great skill to learn (particularly before getting into the real world) and i was genuinely so happy to hear that. You may think that now you’re independent you don't need me anymore, and the truth is you don’t. I don't think any healthy relationship relies on “needing” the other, i think a healthy relationship is two people doing what they do and enjoying their life independently but wanting to share experiences or spend time with someone else too. I think in that sense our relationship can grow so much stronger because we can do our own thing and not get insecure or anything but we can still want to spend time together if you know what i mean, i hope you feel the same way! But i am so proud of you.

Also, about the head shaving business - go for it. I was drunk and i think i overreacted to it and in the cold light of day, i think its important you know that i will support you in whatever you do. Whatever happens you are still the same person i fell in love with and nothing will change that. Im sorry for making you feel bad about it and i want you to do what makes you happy, thats all i want! For you to be happy. So yeah, fucking go for it! I’ll still kiss it, you may have to get used to me rubbing it all over tho lol.  

I am and always will be 100% committed to us and i will support you through every high and low time that comes your way, i will be there to ft you when you've had a bad day and to sit through your tears and maybe cheer you up with a song if you're feeling it. i’ll be there to listen to your achievements and encourage you with all your bravery and independence. If you want me to be, i will be. 

I love you so much sweetheart, i really really do and its not long until we see eachother again, its not long until we see eachother after that and then its really not long until we go back to living 20 minutes away from each other. imagine those evenings where its like 6.30pm and I've just finished dinner and so have you and I'm just like “shall i come round?” and within 30 mins ill be at your house and we could watch an episode of OITNB and then i can go back home and it'll be that simple. Next year we will both need so much support and so much care - its going to be so stressful but together I'm sure we can fucking smash it. 

you are the most amazing thing to ever happen to me, i hope you realise that and i hope its not too late for me to make amends and remind you of how great we can be together. u da greatest <3

PS: if this is all getting repetitive (i know I've sort of mentioned it a bit over ft) then pls tell me to stop flogging a dead horse and to shut up. I just thought you may appreciate a proper, thought out, from the heart apology :3