#and in half a fucking hour of my first dose i didn't want to die anymore. i could fucking think

[reginaofdoctorwho]

getting diagnosed and medicated took away the depression but made me sad and angry instead

[jellogram]

I've alluded to my zzzquil DPH trip before but I realized I've never actually told the story. Since I can't sleep rn it seems like a good time to write it up. I'll break it up with a readmore because it's a bit long but hopefully you can enjoy laughing at me.

So here is a great story to describe my teenager stupidity + what it's actually like to trip on DPH (benadryl).

First there's three things you have to know about me:

I have chronic lifelong insomnia

I have a panic disorder that is often triggered by interruptions in my sleep schedule

I have zero impulse control

So the trouble begins when I have to get up at 7am for a literature final my freshman year of college. I was regularly sleeping til 1pm at the time. I'm not nervous for the test, but I'm FREAKING out about the wakeup time. I cannot describe how miserable I felt all week, but if you have an anxiety disorder you understand the dread.

But my campus market sells zzzquil! I can just knock myself unconscious! This is a fantastic idea that definitely won't backfire!

Get the bottle. It's bedtime. I take a dose. Hmmm, that didn't seem like enough. Take another dose. No no no, I can still hear myself think. Just chug it, it's fine. I had that little voice in my head that always yells at me when I'm doing some dumb shit, but as usual, I was too swept up in the impulse to listen. I simply did not want to be conscious for another moment longer.

I drank about half the bottle within one minute.

Look at the bottle. It's more than half gone. Immediately the anxiety takes over from the impulsiveness. I weighed about 90 pounds. Would this... kill me? Suddenly I am realizing how badly I don't want to die. I'm hyperventilating. I feel like I'm underwater. What do I do?

I go on reddit and quora and webmd. This is where I learn for the first time that a) people take this drug, DPH, recreationally and b) those people are considered freaks by the greater drug community because of how bad the high is.

Five seconds later I'm in the bathroom trying to make myself puke but it's not working. We've got to ride this out. I'm getting drowsy and it's drowning out the panic attacks, so maybe I'll just sleep through the trip.

And folks, that is when I entered the mirror dimension.

I slept fine for an hour or two. But when I woke up, I was no longer on earth. I was in purgatory. It's impossible to describe. Everything felt wrong and scary in ways I can't convey with words. It was like a nightmare. I felt like I was moving through jell-o. I could hear crowds of people whispering around me. I didn't visually hallucinate, but it was just this incredible uncanny feeling that I was in the wrong place. Like I'd been sucked from my world and dropped into a nearly identical one.

I went into the living room and curled up on the couch and I felt like I weighed a thousand pounds. I could hear busy street noise outside but I knew this wasn't real. People kept whispering. I just knew something was very very wrong, but I was too sedated to be anxious about it. So I just waited it out, shaking and confused on the couch, in the dark, listening to the shadow people talk shit about me.

Finally, the sun came up and the evil wrong feeling started to dissipate and I started to feel less high, but it's not like you just shake off an experience like that. My alarm went off. Time to go take a literature final I guess.

I walk to the test like a zombie. The girl next to me asks if I'm ready for the exam. I grumble. "Haha, not a morning person?" she jokes. "Not really," I say.

What am I supposed to say? I just spent the last 8 hours in purgatory because I'm a fucking idiot and I chugged half a bottle of sleep medication without thinking? Because I couldn't stand the anxiety of *looks at smudged writing on hand* having to wake up at 7am?

You can't just tell that to a stranger, not when you're too disoriented to even begin to answer questions.

I took my final, which involved long form essays about books I hadn't read because, as well established here, I was not a functioning human. So I bullshitted the entire thing. I was still high enough that I wasn't sure I was even awake at the moment. I could not have recollected a single thing I wrote. I walked out of that class feeling relief that it was over, anxiety about failing, and most of all embarrassment that I had even created this situation for myself.

I got an A.

[stormcrow513]

Jesus, some people on here are just messed up, like I'm just bored clicking around get on this one person's account bout to go back cause boring boring boring...

Like holy fucking

This was one of the most half incoherent bat shit rant I've read in a while, that left me feeling confused upset and like unfairly attacked,

Like they start off being pissy about '21 somethings who can buy weed legally'

And then jumps to us in Colorado specifically,

Which starts to piss me off right there I love my state, as much as I get wanderlust time to time and like to try living elsewhere I'm born an raised like I wanna say fifth generation? Coloradan

This is my home,

It's one thing when people make Mile 'high' jokes those are usually in good humor and I think they're funny,

But this person just going off about us in particular about how 'easy' we got it

Oh I'm sorry how easy 21 somethings got it cause apparently they don't realize us 'old' folk also buy the legal drugs,

And all our options and how people from their state are coming here and bring our 'poison' into their state,

The 'poison' they apparently are so pissed they don't have easy access to, 👀

And how their state could have make much better 'poison' 😕

And then I think it stopped with wishing we all get hit in the head with a hammer!?!?!

I mean sorry to clog up y'all's dash with this but I really gotta vent on this cause of all the fucking things to go off about,

And specifically all the things about Cannabis to go off about,

Like that there are still people in prison in legalized states for cannabis charges,

That we still haven't dropped calling it marijuana despite the racist origins of that name (mind you I still fuck up and call it that too sometimes,)

The whole bat shit 'marijuana' plot that sounds like it should be a cooky conspiracy that is 100% factual,

But instead this person is getting pissed cause it's legal in my state,

First off asshole Colorado isn't the only legalized state,

Next even if it was, guess what dickhead I can't control your state,

mine voted it into law to legalize cannabis and I'm super proud of that,

Um also just cause it's legal dose not equal easy, you have to have cash, and it's not fucking cheap,

I've been experimenting with cannabis edibles and have been finding how amazingly helpful it is for me,

I have a shit load 'wrong' with me that's undiagnosed will remain so, and even if I was diagnosed and looking into meds they likely wouldn't work for me, I have something wrong with me that taking any kind of medication more then a couple days even as prescribed down to the exact hour, fucks me up,

I get start getting really bad side effects like day three, I was on fucking aspirin for a bit while super sick a few years ago I got tendinitis so bad I wanted to die for like two days,

I've even avoided being on shit what's the anti pregnancy pill called, um fuck, I've avoided it cause im not having sex and my periods are real good, I worry what I'll do if I ever get into a romantic relationship with a dude, probably will only be able to be with someone whose clipped,

I was on sleeping pills for a bit, one of the side effects was suicidal thoughts, guess who got that and all the fucking other ones, including dry mouth so bad I thought I'd die,

For some reason cannabis doesn't fuck me up at all, it helps it really fucking helps me even if I'm on it a lot,

It's the only thing that has ever fucking made my mind a not just okay place to be, but a great one,

And money is right so I can't have like constant access to it, I may at some point be able to get it at all,

And this dickhead thinks I should get a hammer to the head!?!

I try to let internet stuff slide off me but fuck if reading that didn't just royally upset me,

Just, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you pig fucking, dildo humping, cum sucking bag of broken sticks shit on by cats with the runs, mother fucker,

hope you step on cat shit every day of your life and that your hated by corvids everywhere,

Okay I feel better and yes I did block them they had another post that seemed a bit suspect especially after reading that post and no I didn't say shit to them what's the point

Edit looked at it again, it was ceiling fan fall on your head not hammer

[dopaminergicaddictions]

I fell asleep around 10:25-10:35 and woke up at 12:26..... then I fell back to sleep maybe 20 minutes later... I woke up at 2:39..

I got maybe 2 hours and 30 minutes to 3 hours if I pretend I passed right out. I laided there from 2:39 to 4:44 with my eyes closed. Nothing happened....

So cool..I can take another half fuck up my whole schedule.... or I can take 2 hours and 30 minutes of sleep and take my pill at 6 pm.....

So not only am I struggling to fall asleep but I'm struggling to stay asleep.I wake up the first hour every time.... then I slept for maximum 2 hours to 4 hours. I usually do gall back to sleep. I didn't do a full dose tonight cause i can't.... so I mean it's better than no sleep but will I ever get better from psychosis??? I can't if I can't maintain regular sleeping patterns..I want a normal circadian rhythm... I could do lunasta but I'll fuck myself up for life.

I'm feeling really hopeless. I really don't understand..I used to sleep just fine with weed. I have quit years ago for 3 months periods and slept fine. The drugs suppresses the mental pictures with the attached auditory hallucinations. I mean.... I didn't have problems staying asleep ever....falling back to sleep was like 2 minutes.

I don't know how I'm supposed to survive this much longer. All I can think about is how sleep deprivation is going to affect my recovery... how I can't sleep regularly.... how I might be doing all this fighting for nothing.

What is psychosis doesn't ever end??? I mean if I keep fighting and I die to this, I'm not even going to have enjoyed a second of the end.

I always said if I got terminal cancer I'd kill myself before it got bad and live it up...

This might as well be terminal cancer and I already have the hole in my throat. I just want my fucking weed back.

I'm about to cave. It's not getting better anyways but if I could hit my cape a few fucking times before bed I'd be out like a light.........

Internal peace might as well be a billion dollars. It might as well be a vacation in Bermuda..with a mansion and servants. I've given up on ever not hearing a voice.

But can I fucking sleep.

I'm a full blown benzo addict and I can't help myself and yet I'm not sleeping and I can't fucking black head anymore. 2 hours ans 30 minutes it too fucking much. I can't do it.

What if this is all for nothing and I'm walking around with my hole on my throat for nothing???

I'm really about to end it. It would be a mercy kill. I love myself enough to say this is too much and I need to end it. I can only deal with this fucking shitty insomnia for so much longer

I really might give in and smoke weed again.

I could sleep for the month of October, you know microsleep month. Then I started sleeping on November 3rd...... well I closed my eyes and I passed out in 20 minutes cause the voice got much quieter. I was still delusional and everything esrly November but that voice got quiet enough to drown out, SOMETIMES like it is now.....

I slept in 20 minutes and stayed asleep from November 3rd until November 20th. Then I stopped weed and it went to laying there with my eyes closed for 5-10 hours..

If I can't smoke weed soon I'm going to end this shitty "life".

Try thinking positive thoughts, here are mine, maybe I could get a ps5 if I struggle, maybe in a year I can play thr new silent hill 2, maybe I could get youtube famous before I die, Mayne one day someone will marry me, Mayne one day I'll have kids. And thrn I go oh yea I'm poor. I have psychosis and I have insomnia that's killing me.

I already had them stab the hole in the throat why am continuing to try my life is very clearly never going to get better.

I'm giving myself max 2 weeks if this insomnia doesn't clear up.

[altheterrible]

My ankle is really acting up today. I don't know if it's the weather or if I injured it at work, but it's very stiff, a little swollen, and doesn't want to bend. I took my one allowed ibuprofen earlier today so I could function at work, so now I'm shit out of luck pain wise. I thought ankle physical therapy would help with this, but it didn't. I've been having a lot of, idk, subluxations? I guess? Where it feels like my ankle bones slide out of joint and I have to "pop" it back into place before I can walk again. I don't know if that's the right word for when things won't stay in place because of a past ligament injury. I might need to pursue a surgical solution because it's impacting my ability to work and you know that's all that matters.

I'm so fucking sick of the pharmacy. I hate how many meds I'm on, and I hate that I really need to be on more. I have 13 prescription meds that I take daily plus trazodone as needed for sleep. That's 14 prescriptions I need to manage a month, 2 of which are controlled substances, which means they're a hassle every fucking month without fail. I'm at the pharmacy like 6 times a month, which is very inconvenient when you don't drive.

In addition to all the shit I'm already taking, I really need to be on an antidepressant, specifically an SNRI, not for depression but for neuropathy. I'm thinking Cymbalta. My neuropathy has been much worse since I stopped Effexor in December, and my doctor won't increase my dose of gabapentin, even though I'm on less than half the max dose, because it's a controlled substance in this state. I don't want to start an SNRI because Effexor turned me into an emotionless zombie. My psych doesn't want to start an SNRI for the same reason, but I guess I need to go over her head and ask my PCP to start it, even if it makes me a zombie. If it's between being in constant pain or having no emotions, I guess the emotions gotta go. The neuropathy is making it hard to work, and you know that's all that matters.

"You shouldn't take all that pharmaceutical shit, it's just lining big pharma's pockets, try natural solutions instead!" yeah you're absolutely right, let me just stop taking my meds and do CBD and yoga instead.

I think about just stopping my meds a lot, though. I'm 90% sure that's what killed my mother. I think about just stopping my meds a lot because I want to die most of the time. I think about which of my health problems would kill me first. Most of them seem like reasonably quick, mostly painless ways to go. Ketoacidosis would probably get me first, but I might have a stroke or heart attack instead.

I hate living in this garbage body that requires constant upkeep, and I hate being in pain all the time, and I hate fighting with my useless, traumatized brain to get a single fucking thing accomplished in a day. I hate that I have to go to so many doctors. I hate that I have to do so much work to "recover" from my childhood, in both my mental and physical health. I hate that the only thing that matters is how many hours I can work and that's all anyone cares about, it doesn't matter if I'm suffering, it only matters when it impacts my productivity.

I am pissed off and done. Something needs to change, something needs to give, I can't keep living like this.

[radiorenjun]

Lavender Antics

→ Pairing: Han Jisung x Reader

→ Summary: Shooting in a drama with him was your absolute nightmare. Working with your enemy and pretending that you were love interests has been the most frustrating experience of your life. Though, after saying your farewells, the scent of lavender never leaves.

→ Genre:enemies to lovers au, idol au, romance, angst, slowburn, comedy.

→ Warnings: Explicit Language. Antics. Mentions of insecurity. Alcohol, Making out. Suggestive?

→ Chapters: 3, 4, 5

"Okay, so, today we went out for some onigiris and lemme just say. These things are literally to die for!" you groaned exaggeratedly, taking out a packaged onigiri from your bag which you bought earlier. You were video chatting with your members, making them suffocate as they watch you devour the rice treat.

"Man, I wish we could've snuck in some back when we were there for our tour." Kiyeon groaned, wiping the drool off the corners of her lips. "Fuck you, y/n! I'm hungry now, and I just had lunch! Not even 30 minutes ago!" Haneul whined.

You laughed, almost choking on rice. "Look at the bright side. When someone asks what did I eat to become so attractive, I could just say 'rice'" you say with a smug shrug. "You did not just quote Jackson Wang while eating an onigiri." Jaehwa huffed with a shake of her head.

"And on the other side, package us some onigiri. Watching you eat in such an ASMR way is making me crave Japan food," Cheonsa chuckled. You took a big bite of the rice treat in your hand before shaking your head, "bitch, you wish you were me right now. But for unceremoniously embarrassing me-"

"Well we attempted, you ran away."

"Embarrassing me! I think y'all don't deserve this exquisite treat." You rolled your eyes when your members cut you off in the middle of your sentence. "Jesus Christ, I'll book a ticket to Japan right now and-" Kiyeon grumbled angrily, opening her phone to pretend as if she was purchasing a ticket.

"Don't be such drama queens. There's onigiri in nearby supermarkets, you could just buy some. Or even better, make some!" you laughed, throwing away the plastic wrapper in the dustbin. "Make some? Girl, who do you think we are? Gordon Ramsey? This ain't Masterchef. I ain't cooking shit if it doesn't mean I ain't getting some cash." Cheonsa sassed.

"Well, I-" you started before you heard a loud obnoxious groan that could be heard from the inner cores of the earth. "OH MY GOD," the male voice groaned in annoyance. Your eye twitched in annoyance as you let out a sigh, looking back at your co-star as you leaned back against your makeup chair.

"Y/n? Who's that?" Haneul asked. You didn't answer her as you continued to glare a hole into the boy, across the room from you,'s head. "Could you keep your masturbation down?" you snarled in annoyance.

"Y/n!" you heard your members scold in a motherly tone at your sexual insult but you ignored them. "ME? You're the one practically blasting your friend's voices up the roof, I could feel blood begging to ooze out of my ears." Jisung shot back.

"What's gotten your panties up in a twist, asshole? Forgot to take your daily dose of warm milk like a baby?" you hissed. "Okay, you two. Before you two start World War III in this here trailer I'm going to cut you both off and tell you that you guys have another scene to shoot." Your stage director chuckled.

You ignored Jisung's loud groan as you look back at your friends with a sympathetic look, "you guys heard the man. I gotta go," you smiled, your thumb hovering over the hang up button. "You better call us tonight, for real this time, y/n." Jaehwa jokes.

"Of course, even though you all treat me like shit, I miss you guys!" you exclaim with a giggle. "It's our job as members to treat you like shit. Plus you treat us the same." Kiyeon responded with an innocent nod. " What she meant was we miss you, too." Haneul gave the older girl a hard glare before waving goodbye at you.

"Bye!" you waved as your members did funny poses as they, too, waved. You giggle as you pressed the hang up button, putting your phone down on the table before walking out of the trailer.

As you arrived at the scene, your makeup artists touched you up with some small blush and brushes to adjust your hair and gave you your school bag. Jeongin standing with a bright smile next to you, "good to see you, y/n." he greeted.

"Jeongin, I literally saw you two minutes ago back when you were playing with your switch in your trailer." you chuckled. "Is it wrong for me to say hello to my little friend?" he smirked, holding the strap of his bag. "Little? I'm older than you." you laughed. "Older? Yes. Who debuted first, exactly? Me. So treat your senior with respect." Jeongin giggled as he got his props on.

"Alright guys, this is the scene where you two are just casually talking to each other and then Jisung runs up and etcetera. You know the drill, you read the script, now focus." your director announced through the speaker as he sat down on his chair.

"Lights! Camera! And Action!"

You clutched your phone as you layed down emotionlessly on the couch in your trailer. You just got news from your family that your grandmother had passed away a couple hours ago. Your mother called you to tell you the news in distraught.

Your sweet grandma that always forced you to eat whenever you were under the pressure of sustaining that perfect idol body. You felt numb and you didn't want to get up to shoot scenes anymore. You just want to be buried under layers of blankets and get up when all the sadness evaporated from your body.

But yet again, this is life. You gotta do what you gotta do. And you can't even go to her funeral considering you were hundreds of miles away and you have an extremely busy schedule ahead of you.

You heard the door open, your make up artist bowing politely at you. You sighed, getting up to sit on the chair infront of the mirror. "Miss. You okay?" they asked as they applied on some concealer underneathe your eyelids.

You hummed sadly, your eyes half lidded and looking down as you fidget with the script in your hands. You lazily flipped through the pages, trying to revert your mind away from the sadness in your gut so that you could memorize your lines.

When you were done, you head to the changing room to put on your costume before going to the makeup room to get some touch ups. Some of the staff questioned your silence and gloomy aura considering you would always joke around on set or make a member of the staff hault their movements to make some witty comments bout the script.

As you got your hair done, you saw your costar come in with a cup of Starbucks in her hand. "Rough day?" she asked, looking at you with hooded eyes as she sipped on her caffeine drink. You nodded slightly, trying not to ruin the hairstylist's work on your hair.

"Mood, girl. Director-nim says that we'll be shooting the next scene in ten so you have quite some time to pick yourself up." she informed as you gave her a weak smile in response. "Honestly, I wanna go back to sleep. Maybe go around to eat some mochi, I heard there's a mochi store nearby and it's to die for."

For the next ten minutes, you continued to hear her suggest all the good cheap snackstores around the area. When you finally got called, you forced yourself to get up from your chair and put down your phone and script on the table.

"I'm going to head out to buy those takoyaki balls outside. I'll buy you some if that'll cheer you up, my treat." she nudged you side with a soft smile which you gave her a small chuckle before shaking your head sadly. "No thanks. I don't feel like it." You walked out of the make up room and onto set.

You were immediately approached by the director telling you what to do in the following scenes, you just gave him a small hums and nods whenever he finishes his sentences.

"Looks like little y/n is out of it, today." Jisung snickered behind your back, making you let out a small huff before clenching your fists to calm yourself down. "Wow. No comebacks? Must be my lucky day!" he exclaimed.

You ignored the smug boy before walking infront of the camera and nodding at the directors that you were ready.

"Are you on your period or something?" Jisung asked as he stood beside you near the bus stop on the way to the hotel. You've been tormented through the day with his harsh remarks and the sadness in your gut just deepened.

You couldn't wait to be engulfed in the warm sheets and cry your frustrations out. You felt like you were bout the burst out sobbing at any moment. "Fuck off, Han. I'm not in the mood." you muttered under your breath.

"Oh, so you finally started talking again? What's got your panties in a twist, Huh?" he chuckled.

It may be because of pure exhaustion, but your vision blurred shortly and for a split second, you saw your grandmother smiling at you with a tray of your favourite treat in hand. Her voice crystal clear as she spoke the words "Y/N, come and eat!" which lingered in your mind.

You shook your head as you felt your eyes tear up. You can't just stand here and wait for the bus and continued to be harassed by this donkey any longer. "I said, fuck off, Han. I'm not in the mood." you said in a much bolder tone as you started to walk away.

And it didn't take long for Han Jisung to catch up on your tail. "What's up with you being all sad and shit the whole day? It's funny to see you like this. Did sad hours open early for you? Seriously, you're acting like somebody died or so-"

"I SAID, FUCK OFF, HAN. IM NOT IN THE MOOD."

You turned to look back at him with your eyes bloodshot red and your bottom lip trembling pathetically. You gazed at his shocked expression before relaxing your gaze and sniffed, covering your face with your scarf as you shivered at the cold wind.

"Leave me alone, Han Jisung. Please. " you sniffed before walking away from the baffled bou who stood there frozen in shock. He didn't even notice the bus that he was waiting for the past ten minutes had finally arrived.

"Hyung!" a voice snapped him out of his trance, making him look back to see his little maknae waving at him in line of the bus. He turned, hoping to see your small figure slowly disappearing but you were long gone.

He sighed as he walked towards the bus and sat next to Jeongin who continued to babble about who knows what. But the only thing Jisung couldn't stop thinking bout was your form trembling on the brink of tears.

this was so bad lol

[scentedluminarysoul]

Story time!

My current gp is over half an hour by car, but I'd rather die then switch. Because they are good.

- One time my blood test showed slightly elevated inflammation. After tests (which included referrals to other doctors), the conclusion was "it's just how it is". (I want to stress that I didn't have any sypmtoms, wasn't suffering, it was just randomly found). So a few months later I'm back with an unrelated issue, and afterwards she goes, "Oh, btw, about your inflammation. I recently read a study that it can happen in smokers and is just a thing." (I was still smoking at the time) She read a new study, and remembered me and one other patient, amongst all her patients, after I had long forgotten. Amazing.

- She (and the other doctors in the practice) never made me feel bad about my weight. She is slim, but she even connected to me and a specific "struggle" I had regarding my weight/body shape, in a really genuine way. She only mentioned it once, because (and she said so) she had to because insurance made her. She seemed to genuinely hate it, immediately retract it and assured me I'm good and valid and none of my issues relate back to that. She just gives off the vibe that even if an issue is related to weight, I still deserve to be treated for it. Sadly she's always booked out, and often sick for months at a time (I suspect burn out, since she often works until the late evening even when she promised she wouldn't, and gives you all the time you need)

- I just went in for tendonitis. They're awesome in that you can book appointments online, no human contact required. You describe your symptoms briefly. So when I went in, she already had a catalogue open for splints. Prescribed me one, prescribed me pain killers, asked if I needed a sick note. All completely uncomplicated. They ask and listen to what you need.

- Contrasted by that is the gp I had before. An absolute control freak. He was alone in his practice, with four nurses, but he still had to do everything by himself, even answering the phone. Appointments? Meaningless. You often waited for hours after your appointment, because he couldn't be arsed. One time, I waited for an hour longer (had to buy a new parking ticket), got called and told to wait in the treatment room. Another half hour or so. Then he came in, asked what was wrong, I got out barely half a sentence, he squeezed twice without looking, left, while leaving told me to put on some pain relief lotion.

- One time, I went to a neurologist for my depression. After he failed. He would only ever tell me to "find someone who can make me happy", and while he did prescribe me antidepressants, it was the lowest dose, no referral, no oversight. Just "take it and pretend it helps". So I went to the neurologist. A little bit of backstory is required here: In Germany, visiting the doctor is free, covered by insurance. But at that time, you had to pay 10€/quarter year, it was something insurance did and doctors hated. You only had to pay once, though, if you've paid at your gp, they could give you a referral and you didn't have to pay at a specialist. I didn't get a referral because, ha, fuck no, I was terrified of that man. So I went, I forgot to bring money, my helper with me also couldn't spare anything, so we agreed to get a referral afterwards and fax it. I was anxious. My helper had heard stories, but hadn't met my gp yet. So went in, I talked to the nurses (who were all extremely lovely) and she said no problem, but, slight hesitation, the doctor had to sign it. Oh no. So, after a short while, out comes the doctor. Things he needed to sign were always at the end of the counter. He picked it up, read it, asked what this was about? Nurse explains. He turns to me. "Why did you go there!? Without asking me first!?" Then, without singing, he turned, literally stomped off, yelling, "I'm not doing this shit!!!". For, I kid you not, five minutes he rages through the practice, room to room, stomping, yelling, crashing doors. The nurses do their usual work, calm as can be, my helper is stunned, I'm terrified (remember, severe anxiety). He comes back to the counter, picks up the neurologist's business card (I gave it because fax number), and fucking calls her. Berates her over the phone how DARE she see me! Without his permission! She explained to him that I have the freedom to choose my doctors and didn't need his permission. (I don't know exactly what was said, though when I went in for my next appointment, she looked at me, wide eyed, asking, "What kind of doctor do you have!?"). In the end, my helper (a big, sturdy woman, four children, loud, protective af, can stand her ground), gets involved and rips him a new one. <EDIT: I just remembered that after the phone call, he turned to my helper, and asked her what she was doing!? She was supposed to fix me, get me a job, not encourage me like this. That's what sent her over the edge.> I thought she was gonna strangle him, and if there hadn't been a counter between them... I have never seen him that small. He signed it. We leave. My helper turns to me, dazed look on her face, "Now I understand why you were scared of him." Luckily, that was the last time I saw him, as we were already in the process of switching practices to the one mentioned above.

- He was also the one who, when my step-grandpa died, turned to my step-grandma and asked, "Why did your husband die?". In a tone that said, "Why didn't you come to me? I could have saved him, as I am god." They were patients in his practice, but grandpa died of fucking miner's lung in a hospice, after withering away for years. Asshole.

- February last year I went to an orthopedist, to get a new diagnosis and treatmeant for something I was diagnosed with about six years ago. Just to make it "official" and get proper help. What I got diagnosed with last time was a growth of bone that put pressure on nerves in my back and causes immense pain. Everything I ever read about describes 100% my symptoms. So I got a new x-ray, and apparently, according to him, it's gone now. Even though the pain is worse than ever. So I get an MRI. Let me describe to you the follow-up appointment. My helper (a different one) accompanied me, but she had to wait in the waiting room (now I suspect why). I go in, he says, "Nothing in the MRI. You're healthy." And he was done speaking. Silence. I asked, "Okay... So where does the pain come from then?". "No idea." Done. Silence. Goodbye. No interest at all in finding out or helping me. I get him to give me a prescription for physical therapy (which I didn't do, because Covid and also I'm scared of hurting something with unspecific therapy. Knew someone who's therapist caused them a disc herniation). Was out in less than a minute, went to the waiting room, my helper looks at me with huge eyes. She still can't believe it, neither can I. We're still trying to find a different one.

- Oh, and can't forget my great dentist when I was a kid/teen. We only went to her because she was in the village, and my parents knew the nurse (again, she was great). Doctor was horrible, and not in the fun NPH way. Dental is mostly covered by insurance, at least the essentials, filling holes and all that. Get she was so extremely stingy with numbing, always asking to not use it at all for "that little hole", as if she had to personally pay out of pocket for numbing (come to think of it, maybe she was one of those "pain is a virtue" people). So fast forward to one early January, I go in because of a hole I had noticed like two weeks ago, that didn't hurt at all. And it was Christmas. Who goes to the dentist a couple days before Christmas if they can help it?? Anyway, I sit there, she comes in, with a different nurse, looks at my teeth, asks how long it's been there, I answer about two weeks. She proceeds to laugh and she and the nurse mock me, right in front of me, for waiting "that long"

- The last straw was my wisdom tooth. I went in, she puts in numbing. It needs a bit to take effect, so she leaves, normal stuff. When does she return? 45 minutes later!! I could already feel the numbing go away. She comes in, takes her pokey tool, pokes at my gums, asks me if I can feel that. I tell her very sternly YES!, I CAN! She rolls her eyes, says I'm imagining it, and before I can really react (also fear of authority at that point), proceeds to start to pull my tooth. Almost without numbing. I squirm and try to tell her to stop, she dismisses me and tells me to stop being a baby. So I do the last thing I can do, I scream. Loudly. I remember, my goal was to have people outside, in the waiting room, hear me. She groans and goes, "Fine! I'll put more numbing! If you want to be like that!", as if it was my fault. She was the reason I didn't go to the dentist for five years, until I had an extremely painful inflammation of the root canal. And even then I waited for three weeks, in the hot summer.

- My current dentist's practice (multiple dentists) is specialised for anxious patients. They're in a village where half the space is taken up by a mental health clinic, so no wonder there. They are GOOD. The nurses check in with you when waiting in the chair. One time I was asked like five times if everything's okay and if they should open a window. During treatment, you raise your hand at any time and they will immediately stop. They will put as much numbing as you need. In the beginning, they even gave me that numbing gel before the shot, the one that you'd give children. One treatment took an hour and they asked before if I wanted a break halfway through, and to raise my hand if I wanted one. One time, one of the doctors tried to polish my filling, but the water was so cold it hurt my other teeth. So he basically sanded it by hand! Another time, I needed a lot of numbing, and afterwards I got dizzy. The nurse wouldn't let me leave, told me to sit in the waiting room, dug out the package insert from the trash, read it thouroughly, let me read it, and regularly checked in with me. I was fine after about 20 minutes. Another nurse just treats me like an old friend, despite having never met. They are great.

i think it’s important to acknowledge that there is a contingent of doctors who have been... uh... coasting ever since med school ended. here’s a quick crash course in telling them apart

competent doctor: recognizes that your symptoms sound familiar but also realizes that the illness is outside the scope of their expertise, so they give you a referral

incompetent doctor: doesn’t recognize your symptoms, chalks it all up to a mental health and/or weight problem and refuses any follow-up care

competent doctor: stays up to date on the latest research in their field, is interested in sharing newly-discovered information with you

incompetent doctor: maintains the absolute minimum amount of knowledge to not have their license revoked

competent doctor: approaches their patients with good faith

incompetent doctor: assumes all patients are deceptive and have ulterior motives

competent doctor: recognizes crying and other overt pain symptoms as unacceptable and tries to resolve your pain any way they’re able

incompetent doctor: ignores pain and either refuses to attempt to treat yours or willingly worsens it during a treatment by ignoring your reactions

competent doctor: realizes they don’t have all the answers, isn’t intimidated by the thought that you attend other doctors

incompetent doctor: views their patients as income-generators and feels personally insulted when you attempt to leave their practice

competent doctor: recognizes all their patients are people; will be transparent about your treatment and speak to you with advanced and specific terminology if you demonstrate that you understand

incompetent doctor: views patients as a sub-class of people, justifies lying to patients as “for their own good”