#and in half a fucking hour of my first dose i didn't want to die anymore. i could fucking think

[reginaofdoctorwho]

getting diagnosed and medicated took away the depression but made me sad and angry instead

[jellogram]

I've alluded to my zzzquil DPH trip before but I realized I've never actually told the story. Since I can't sleep rn it seems like a good time to write it up. I'll break it up with a readmore because it's a bit long but hopefully you can enjoy laughing at me.

So here is a great story to describe my teenager stupidity + what it's actually like to trip on DPH (benadryl).

First there's three things you have to know about me:

I have chronic lifelong insomnia

I have a panic disorder that is often triggered by interruptions in my sleep schedule

I have zero impulse control

So the trouble begins when I have to get up at 7am for a literature final my freshman year of college. I was regularly sleeping til 1pm at the time. I'm not nervous for the test, but I'm FREAKING out about the wakeup time. I cannot describe how miserable I felt all week, but if you have an anxiety disorder you understand the dread.

But my campus market sells zzzquil! I can just knock myself unconscious! This is a fantastic idea that definitely won't backfire!

Get the bottle. It's bedtime. I take a dose. Hmmm, that didn't seem like enough. Take another dose. No no no, I can still hear myself think. Just chug it, it's fine. I had that little voice in my head that always yells at me when I'm doing some dumb shit, but as usual, I was too swept up in the impulse to listen. I simply did not want to be conscious for another moment longer.

I drank about half the bottle within one minute.

Look at the bottle. It's more than half gone. Immediately the anxiety takes over from the impulsiveness. I weighed about 90 pounds. Would this... kill me? Suddenly I am realizing how badly I don't want to die. I'm hyperventilating. I feel like I'm underwater. What do I do?

I go on reddit and quora and webmd. This is where I learn for the first time that a) people take this drug, DPH, recreationally and b) those people are considered freaks by the greater drug community because of how bad the high is.

Five seconds later I'm in the bathroom trying to make myself puke but it's not working. We've got to ride this out. I'm getting drowsy and it's drowning out the panic attacks, so maybe I'll just sleep through the trip.

And folks, that is when I entered the mirror dimension.

I slept fine for an hour or two. But when I woke up, I was no longer on earth. I was in purgatory. It's impossible to describe. Everything felt wrong and scary in ways I can't convey with words. It was like a nightmare. I felt like I was moving through jell-o. I could hear crowds of people whispering around me. I didn't visually hallucinate, but it was just this incredible uncanny feeling that I was in the wrong place. Like I'd been sucked from my world and dropped into a nearly identical one.

I went into the living room and curled up on the couch and I felt like I weighed a thousand pounds. I could hear busy street noise outside but I knew this wasn't real. People kept whispering. I just knew something was very very wrong, but I was too sedated to be anxious about it. So I just waited it out, shaking and confused on the couch, in the dark, listening to the shadow people talk shit about me.

Finally, the sun came up and the evil wrong feeling started to dissipate and I started to feel less high, but it's not like you just shake off an experience like that. My alarm went off. Time to go take a literature final I guess.

I walk to the test like a zombie. The girl next to me asks if I'm ready for the exam. I grumble. "Haha, not a morning person?" she jokes. "Not really," I say.

What am I supposed to say? I just spent the last 8 hours in purgatory because I'm a fucking idiot and I chugged half a bottle of sleep medication without thinking? Because I couldn't stand the anxiety of *looks at smudged writing on hand* having to wake up at 7am?

You can't just tell that to a stranger, not when you're too disoriented to even begin to answer questions.

I took my final, which involved long form essays about books I hadn't read because, as well established here, I was not a functioning human. So I bullshitted the entire thing. I was still high enough that I wasn't sure I was even awake at the moment. I could not have recollected a single thing I wrote. I walked out of that class feeling relief that it was over, anxiety about failing, and most of all embarrassment that I had even created this situation for myself.

I got an A.

[stormcrow513]

Jesus, some people on here are just messed up, like I'm just bored clicking around get on this one person's account bout to go back cause boring boring boring...

Like holy fucking

This was one of the most half incoherent bat shit rant I've read in a while, that left me feeling confused upset and like unfairly attacked,

Like they start off being pissy about '21 somethings who can buy weed legally'

And then jumps to us in Colorado specifically,

Which starts to piss me off right there I love my state, as much as I get wanderlust time to time and like to try living elsewhere I'm born an raised like I wanna say fifth generation? Coloradan

This is my home,

It's one thing when people make Mile 'high' jokes those are usually in good humor and I think they're funny,

But this person just going off about us in particular about how 'easy' we got it

Oh I'm sorry how easy 21 somethings got it cause apparently they don't realize us 'old' folk also buy the legal drugs,

And all our options and how people from their state are coming here and bring our 'poison' into their state,

The 'poison' they apparently are so pissed they don't have easy access to, 👀

And how their state could have make much better 'poison' 😕

And then I think it stopped with wishing we all get hit in the head with a hammer!?!?!

I mean sorry to clog up y'all's dash with this but I really gotta vent on this cause of all the fucking things to go off about,

And specifically all the things about Cannabis to go off about,

Like that there are still people in prison in legalized states for cannabis charges,

That we still haven't dropped calling it marijuana despite the racist origins of that name (mind you I still fuck up and call it that too sometimes,)

The whole bat shit 'marijuana' plot that sounds like it should be a cooky conspiracy that is 100% factual,

But instead this person is getting pissed cause it's legal in my state,

First off asshole Colorado isn't the only legalized state,

Next even if it was, guess what dickhead I can't control your state,

mine voted it into law to legalize cannabis and I'm super proud of that,

Um also just cause it's legal dose not equal easy, you have to have cash, and it's not fucking cheap,

I've been experimenting with cannabis edibles and have been finding how amazingly helpful it is for me,

I have a shit load 'wrong' with me that's undiagnosed will remain so, and even if I was diagnosed and looking into meds they likely wouldn't work for me, I have something wrong with me that taking any kind of medication more then a couple days even as prescribed down to the exact hour, fucks me up,

I get start getting really bad side effects like day three, I was on fucking aspirin for a bit while super sick a few years ago I got tendinitis so bad I wanted to die for like two days,

I've even avoided being on shit what's the anti pregnancy pill called, um fuck, I've avoided it cause im not having sex and my periods are real good, I worry what I'll do if I ever get into a romantic relationship with a dude, probably will only be able to be with someone whose clipped,

I was on sleeping pills for a bit, one of the side effects was suicidal thoughts, guess who got that and all the fucking other ones, including dry mouth so bad I thought I'd die,

For some reason cannabis doesn't fuck me up at all, it helps it really fucking helps me even if I'm on it a lot,

It's the only thing that has ever fucking made my mind a not just okay place to be, but a great one,

And money is right so I can't have like constant access to it, I may at some point be able to get it at all,

And this dickhead thinks I should get a hammer to the head!?!

I try to let internet stuff slide off me but fuck if reading that didn't just royally upset me,

Just, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you pig fucking, dildo humping, cum sucking bag of broken sticks shit on by cats with the runs, mother fucker,

hope you step on cat shit every day of your life and that your hated by corvids everywhere,

Okay I feel better and yes I did block them they had another post that seemed a bit suspect especially after reading that post and no I didn't say shit to them what's the point

Edit looked at it again, it was ceiling fan fall on your head not hammer

[dopaminergicaddictions]

I fell asleep around 10:25-10:35 and woke up at 12:26..... then I fell back to sleep maybe 20 minutes later... I woke up at 2:39..

I got maybe 2 hours and 30 minutes to 3 hours if I pretend I passed right out. I laided there from 2:39 to 4:44 with my eyes closed. Nothing happened....

So cool..I can take another half fuck up my whole schedule.... or I can take 2 hours and 30 minutes of sleep and take my pill at 6 pm.....

So not only am I struggling to fall asleep but I'm struggling to stay asleep.I wake up the first hour every time.... then I slept for maximum 2 hours to 4 hours. I usually do gall back to sleep. I didn't do a full dose tonight cause i can't.... so I mean it's better than no sleep but will I ever get better from psychosis??? I can't if I can't maintain regular sleeping patterns..I want a normal circadian rhythm... I could do lunasta but I'll fuck myself up for life.

I'm feeling really hopeless. I really don't understand..I used to sleep just fine with weed. I have quit years ago for 3 months periods and slept fine. The drugs suppresses the mental pictures with the attached auditory hallucinations. I mean.... I didn't have problems staying asleep ever....falling back to sleep was like 2 minutes.

I don't know how I'm supposed to survive this much longer. All I can think about is how sleep deprivation is going to affect my recovery... how I can't sleep regularly.... how I might be doing all this fighting for nothing.

What is psychosis doesn't ever end??? I mean if I keep fighting and I die to this, I'm not even going to have enjoyed a second of the end.

I always said if I got terminal cancer I'd kill myself before it got bad and live it up...

This might as well be terminal cancer and I already have the hole in my throat. I just want my fucking weed back.

I'm about to cave. It's not getting better anyways but if I could hit my cape a few fucking times before bed I'd be out like a light.........

Internal peace might as well be a billion dollars. It might as well be a vacation in Bermuda..with a mansion and servants. I've given up on ever not hearing a voice.

But can I fucking sleep.

I'm a full blown benzo addict and I can't help myself and yet I'm not sleeping and I can't fucking black head anymore. 2 hours ans 30 minutes it too fucking much. I can't do it.

What if this is all for nothing and I'm walking around with my hole on my throat for nothing???

I'm really about to end it. It would be a mercy kill. I love myself enough to say this is too much and I need to end it. I can only deal with this fucking shitty insomnia for so much longer

I really might give in and smoke weed again.

I could sleep for the month of October, you know microsleep month. Then I started sleeping on November 3rd...... well I closed my eyes and I passed out in 20 minutes cause the voice got much quieter. I was still delusional and everything esrly November but that voice got quiet enough to drown out, SOMETIMES like it is now.....

I slept in 20 minutes and stayed asleep from November 3rd until November 20th. Then I stopped weed and it went to laying there with my eyes closed for 5-10 hours..

If I can't smoke weed soon I'm going to end this shitty "life".

Try thinking positive thoughts, here are mine, maybe I could get a ps5 if I struggle, maybe in a year I can play thr new silent hill 2, maybe I could get youtube famous before I die, Mayne one day someone will marry me, Mayne one day I'll have kids. And thrn I go oh yea I'm poor. I have psychosis and I have insomnia that's killing me.

I already had them stab the hole in the throat why am continuing to try my life is very clearly never going to get better.

I'm giving myself max 2 weeks if this insomnia doesn't clear up.

[radiorenjun]

Lavender Antics

→ Pairing: Han Jisung x Reader

→ Summary: Shooting in a drama with him was your absolute nightmare. Working with your enemy and pretending that you were love interests has been the most frustrating experience of your life. Though, after saying your farewells, the scent of lavender never leaves.

→ Genre:enemies to lovers au, idol au, romance, angst, slowburn, comedy.

→ Warnings: Explicit Language. Antics. Mentions of insecurity. Alcohol, Making out. Suggestive?

→ Chapters: 3, 4, 5

"Okay, so, today we went out for some onigiris and lemme just say. These things are literally to die for!" you groaned exaggeratedly, taking out a packaged onigiri from your bag which you bought earlier. You were video chatting with your members, making them suffocate as they watch you devour the rice treat.

"Man, I wish we could've snuck in some back when we were there for our tour." Kiyeon groaned, wiping the drool off the corners of her lips. "Fuck you, y/n! I'm hungry now, and I just had lunch! Not even 30 minutes ago!" Haneul whined.

You laughed, almost choking on rice. "Look at the bright side. When someone asks what did I eat to become so attractive, I could just say 'rice'" you say with a smug shrug. "You did not just quote Jackson Wang while eating an onigiri." Jaehwa huffed with a shake of her head.

"And on the other side, package us some onigiri. Watching you eat in such an ASMR way is making me crave Japan food," Cheonsa chuckled. You took a big bite of the rice treat in your hand before shaking your head, "bitch, you wish you were me right now. But for unceremoniously embarrassing me-"

"Well we attempted, you ran away."

"Embarrassing me! I think y'all don't deserve this exquisite treat." You rolled your eyes when your members cut you off in the middle of your sentence. "Jesus Christ, I'll book a ticket to Japan right now and-" Kiyeon grumbled angrily, opening her phone to pretend as if she was purchasing a ticket.

"Don't be such drama queens. There's onigiri in nearby supermarkets, you could just buy some. Or even better, make some!" you laughed, throwing away the plastic wrapper in the dustbin. "Make some? Girl, who do you think we are? Gordon Ramsey? This ain't Masterchef. I ain't cooking shit if it doesn't mean I ain't getting some cash." Cheonsa sassed.

"Well, I-" you started before you heard a loud obnoxious groan that could be heard from the inner cores of the earth. "OH MY GOD," the male voice groaned in annoyance. Your eye twitched in annoyance as you let out a sigh, looking back at your co-star as you leaned back against your makeup chair.

"Y/n? Who's that?" Haneul asked. You didn't answer her as you continued to glare a hole into the boy, across the room from you,'s head. "Could you keep your masturbation down?" you snarled in annoyance.

"Y/n!" you heard your members scold in a motherly tone at your sexual insult but you ignored them. "ME? You're the one practically blasting your friend's voices up the roof, I could feel blood begging to ooze out of my ears." Jisung shot back.

"What's gotten your panties up in a twist, asshole? Forgot to take your daily dose of warm milk like a baby?" you hissed. "Okay, you two. Before you two start World War III in this here trailer I'm going to cut you both off and tell you that you guys have another scene to shoot." Your stage director chuckled.

You ignored Jisung's loud groan as you look back at your friends with a sympathetic look, "you guys heard the man. I gotta go," you smiled, your thumb hovering over the hang up button. "You better call us tonight, for real this time, y/n." Jaehwa jokes.

"Of course, even though you all treat me like shit, I miss you guys!" you exclaim with a giggle. "It's our job as members to treat you like shit. Plus you treat us the same." Kiyeon responded with an innocent nod. " What she meant was we miss you, too." Haneul gave the older girl a hard glare before waving goodbye at you.

"Bye!" you waved as your members did funny poses as they, too, waved. You giggle as you pressed the hang up button, putting your phone down on the table before walking out of the trailer.

As you arrived at the scene, your makeup artists touched you up with some small blush and brushes to adjust your hair and gave you your school bag. Jeongin standing with a bright smile next to you, "good to see you, y/n." he greeted.

"Jeongin, I literally saw you two minutes ago back when you were playing with your switch in your trailer." you chuckled. "Is it wrong for me to say hello to my little friend?" he smirked, holding the strap of his bag. "Little? I'm older than you." you laughed. "Older? Yes. Who debuted first, exactly? Me. So treat your senior with respect." Jeongin giggled as he got his props on.

"Alright guys, this is the scene where you two are just casually talking to each other and then Jisung runs up and etcetera. You know the drill, you read the script, now focus." your director announced through the speaker as he sat down on his chair.

"Lights! Camera! And Action!"

You clutched your phone as you layed down emotionlessly on the couch in your trailer. You just got news from your family that your grandmother had passed away a couple hours ago. Your mother called you to tell you the news in distraught.

Your sweet grandma that always forced you to eat whenever you were under the pressure of sustaining that perfect idol body. You felt numb and you didn't want to get up to shoot scenes anymore. You just want to be buried under layers of blankets and get up when all the sadness evaporated from your body.

But yet again, this is life. You gotta do what you gotta do. And you can't even go to her funeral considering you were hundreds of miles away and you have an extremely busy schedule ahead of you.

You heard the door open, your make up artist bowing politely at you. You sighed, getting up to sit on the chair infront of the mirror. "Miss. You okay?" they asked as they applied on some concealer underneathe your eyelids.

You hummed sadly, your eyes half lidded and looking down as you fidget with the script in your hands. You lazily flipped through the pages, trying to revert your mind away from the sadness in your gut so that you could memorize your lines.

When you were done, you head to the changing room to put on your costume before going to the makeup room to get some touch ups. Some of the staff questioned your silence and gloomy aura considering you would always joke around on set or make a member of the staff hault their movements to make some witty comments bout the script.

As you got your hair done, you saw your costar come in with a cup of Starbucks in her hand. "Rough day?" she asked, looking at you with hooded eyes as she sipped on her caffeine drink. You nodded slightly, trying not to ruin the hairstylist's work on your hair.

"Mood, girl. Director-nim says that we'll be shooting the next scene in ten so you have quite some time to pick yourself up." she informed as you gave her a weak smile in response. "Honestly, I wanna go back to sleep. Maybe go around to eat some mochi, I heard there's a mochi store nearby and it's to die for."

For the next ten minutes, you continued to hear her suggest all the good cheap snackstores around the area. When you finally got called, you forced yourself to get up from your chair and put down your phone and script on the table.

"I'm going to head out to buy those takoyaki balls outside. I'll buy you some if that'll cheer you up, my treat." she nudged you side with a soft smile which you gave her a small chuckle before shaking your head sadly. "No thanks. I don't feel like it." You walked out of the make up room and onto set.

You were immediately approached by the director telling you what to do in the following scenes, you just gave him a small hums and nods whenever he finishes his sentences.

"Looks like little y/n is out of it, today." Jisung snickered behind your back, making you let out a small huff before clenching your fists to calm yourself down. "Wow. No comebacks? Must be my lucky day!" he exclaimed.

You ignored the smug boy before walking infront of the camera and nodding at the directors that you were ready.

"Are you on your period or something?" Jisung asked as he stood beside you near the bus stop on the way to the hotel. You've been tormented through the day with his harsh remarks and the sadness in your gut just deepened.

You couldn't wait to be engulfed in the warm sheets and cry your frustrations out. You felt like you were bout the burst out sobbing at any moment. "Fuck off, Han. I'm not in the mood." you muttered under your breath.

"Oh, so you finally started talking again? What's got your panties in a twist, Huh?" he chuckled.

It may be because of pure exhaustion, but your vision blurred shortly and for a split second, you saw your grandmother smiling at you with a tray of your favourite treat in hand. Her voice crystal clear as she spoke the words "Y/N, come and eat!" which lingered in your mind.

You shook your head as you felt your eyes tear up. You can't just stand here and wait for the bus and continued to be harassed by this donkey any longer. "I said, fuck off, Han. I'm not in the mood." you said in a much bolder tone as you started to walk away.

And it didn't take long for Han Jisung to catch up on your tail. "What's up with you being all sad and shit the whole day? It's funny to see you like this. Did sad hours open early for you? Seriously, you're acting like somebody died or so-"

"I SAID, FUCK OFF, HAN. IM NOT IN THE MOOD."

You turned to look back at him with your eyes bloodshot red and your bottom lip trembling pathetically. You gazed at his shocked expression before relaxing your gaze and sniffed, covering your face with your scarf as you shivered at the cold wind.

"Leave me alone, Han Jisung. Please. " you sniffed before walking away from the baffled bou who stood there frozen in shock. He didn't even notice the bus that he was waiting for the past ten minutes had finally arrived.

"Hyung!" a voice snapped him out of his trance, making him look back to see his little maknae waving at him in line of the bus. He turned, hoping to see your small figure slowly disappearing but you were long gone.

He sighed as he walked towards the bus and sat next to Jeongin who continued to babble about who knows what. But the only thing Jisung couldn't stop thinking bout was your form trembling on the brink of tears.

this was so bad lol