#and im so scared ill line up all these ducks in a row and then try to have a job and realize i cant fuckign do it and then

[bibbleboo]

god i rly do think the only way im ever gonna be happy or have a life im not miserable dedicating to somebody else is if i find a way to live alone. but i literally dont know if thats possible shdfsdfhs i cant drive i cant do dishes i make $500 a month im like. so fucked and honestly if i wanted to i could probably solve Some of these problems but im not. even given enough time to work on honing my adult skills. 

yall not to sound bitter or whiny but straight up since my early teen years all ive ever known is being forced to take care of other people. i was never given the unconditional care and support system it takes a teen to learn how to grow up without worrying abt failing bc i was too busy being roped into caring for other people and fixing all their problems and they in return would help with my disability issues. so i never Grew from that or rly i grew at a snails pace bc i had to barely squeeze in time to work on myself. all my progress was halted by that and i was just stuck in that spot. cuz like for them its only ever an exchange to accommodate me and anything less is unfair and they just stop doing it. and part of me feels guilty and cant help but feel like, ok how can i expect more than that though. like how can i expect accommodation without balance. ppl need 50/50. but also literally, how am i supposed to take care of myself and grow when i am constantly trying to pay off a debt to others just for existing with needs. 

and then they fucking complain im not doing enough for them or for myself and like i!!!!! ok shit or get off the pot then!!! i WANT to do this im just scared if i fail yall wont take me back in bc i stopped being ur fucken slave and then im gonna go back to 11 yr old me attempting sui.ci/de twice bc thats how i look at rock bottom apparently and i dont trust her!!! and its YOUR GUYS FAULT LIKE.... i love my family but . they ruined a lot of shit for me with this fucked up cycle. telling me ‘you just need to push yourself’... when do i have the time when im playing ur fuckin mommies. literally. where am i expected to pull the time or strength or energy or motivation . fuck off like. im needy bc yall didnt give me enough time to learn not to be and i feel like intentionally or not part of it was to keep me around to help them out like uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh i hate this oh my goddddd yall didnt give me the tools to be an adult and now just to escape u im gonna have to jump the shark with Nothing and hope i dont end up homeless or forever fucked in bad credit debt land , while knowing if i got evicted or smth i would literally right away try to kms , again because i waSNT GIVEN PROPER CHANCES TO FAIL OR SUCCEED OR LEARN BC I WAS TOO BUSY KEEPING YALL FROM FAILING LIKE I----- AAAAAHH WHATT DID U EXPECTTTttTTTTTTTT i wanna scream. i never wanted to be a hyper dependent idiot that asks for this much w.o being able to return the favor well enough but yall didnt give me the fucking care i needed to learn how to do anything else so good luck w/o me babes when i figure a way out of here xoxo . but no honestly part of what pisses me off most tho is that when i leave they WILL be able to figure it out, theyll be angry and struggle a little at first but theyll adapt. i rly might not be able to figure this out, itd be my first time adapting to relying on myself and filling Only my needs. its so ufcking wildly unfair i just wanna cry and punch somebody