#and im pretty sure that was one of the minorly defining days of my entire self worth

[pessimist-sky]

friend: i'll pick you up at 5

clock: 5:01

me: wHeRE teh fuKc

[eavoff-against-onision]

Hello Ladies, Gents, and Anynone else who do not fall under those terms!

Today, I will be talking about how I first got into Onision, or as I used to only know him as: UhOhBro.

So, this was around when I started to grow out of the usual kid youtubers (at around age 10–11) and started to look for more of the teenager targeted youtubers. I started to watch TheRPGMinx, Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, Shane Dawson, and i think a few other people.

Then there was one that really caught my eye. A channel named UhOhBro with a pretty short video. Looks like Comedy... sure, why not?

I regret that day so much for the pain that it has caused me and my growth.

For probably the first month, i just lightly watched his UhOhBro comedy stuff whenever a new video came out. Probably 2 to 5 minutes, then I go on with my day and forget about it, as its only purpose was to give me temporary entertainment.

Now, i dont think I got too invested into it all until around 12 and a half (i will talk about that time period in a different post). During the months leading up to that though, it was weird to say the least.

I sort of just stopped watching other youtubers, as each day UhOhBro had posted a new video. I also binged a lot of his playlists, as he had thousands of videos on his Channel. This was before his “i rate your bodies”, and all of the stuff involving requests from his forums.

Looking back at it, my humor got more dark and twisted, but yet more childish and immature.

I started to get minorly more self concious and hateful towards my body (i wasn’t the most slim and in-shape of children, and still the same way) but i wasnt necessarily fat. I got more insecure about my sexuality. Was I really gay if I didnt overtly sexualize women?

Was it weird to have romantic feelings towards them?

Was i really unlazy and unhygenic if i didnt wash the entirity of my body (including hair) every day? (Also learned that is pretty bad, even if you moisturize, as it damages your skin and strips the natural oils and wax that protects your hair and skin)

Am i dumb to not be looking up a definition of a common word every five seconds? (You’re an idiot, greg, if you didnt retain the vocabulary you learn in elementary school.)

This was before i started watching “Onision Speaks”, which is before my era of being a cunt to every religious, male, female, and even 1 ib overweight person around me. Those were rough days, but ill talk about it a different time.

I was starting to get weirdly sucked into a trance and manipulation of sorts. Each video he would say you’re beautiful no matter what, but then go on to critique every little fkn thing with an image of a model or actress.

Would say that your sexuality doesnt define you, then go on to essentially one-sided sexually harass andy biersack and any young looking female he found pictures of.

He had a ton of red flags that were very obvious now looking back at them.

But i was a very, very, gullible child.

And continued to be, until around when i was turning 14.

For three to four years, I was manipulated. During those years, i honestly and whole heartedly believe my growth was stunted in some aspects. I know for a fact i have major depression and anxiety. I got body issues now im trying to recover from. I hate presenting myself as feminine, and despise it when any feminine traits of mine are pronounced. just from how much i dont want my body to be sexualized that way out of paranoia. And so much other shit that impacts my life in their minor little ways.

To younger me, he was an Idol in a way. He talked about more serious topics, and seemed to portray a mature and self love message (that later revealed itself to be laced with hypocrisy).

He began to be everything to me.

He was an adult who acted foolishy mature.

I started to love and follow him.

He was becoming my god.

I do not want to end this off on a mad or aggressive note, so I will leave you all with a guideline i like to follow nowadays.

“Find idols and use them to inspire you to do good. Watch or listen to them for entertainment. Listen to their beliefs and support them if you agree. But dont for one second think they aren’t replaceable if they do shitty things. Sure they might make good music, tell funny jokes, seem to have a good stance on certain minority rights, but that doesnt mean shit if they are hurting people. If the things they say directly affect or hurt people (that aren’t bigots of course), then re-evaluate how you look at them. If they apologize and make progress to learning what they did wrong and changing that view, then respect that. It doesnt make what they said meaningless, but it shows they are willing to learn. If they turn out to be non-willing to learn, then drop them in your past. We have so many celebrities and potential idols nowadays, you can find a new one to support. Cherish the ones that have stayed in your life though, for the ones that stay in your heart can truly inspire you.”

That is just a rough outline of it, since im struggling to find where i wrote it out completely. Its very late at night so im trying my incoherent best to write it from memory.

@basement-critics thanks to your blog, or else i probably wouldnt start sharing my journey through hell: beginning at the age of 11