#and im not reacting super well to it because I have too many meds right now

[videcoeur]

I want to thank everyone for their patience on just about everything, whether it be art or rp replies. I've started a new treatment about 3 weeks ago and the side effects are insane. I am doing my best, but until I get adjusted, which might take a bit since its a progressive dosage kind of med, I will be on reduced activity notice.

Not that im super active to begin with but consider this a warning <3 Thank you for understanding! I promise I'm not ignoring everyone, I'm just nerfed as heck right now.

[factual-fantasy]

I got 25 asks that took me WAY too long to reply to! :}

I have two top favorite episodes, the cone snail episode and the beluga whales episode.

When it comes to my favorite part of both episodes..?

..Not happy parts...

I have absolutely no idea what you just suggested.

(Referring to this post)

Thank you! That was the intention. :} I was worried that their faces all looked weird..

You want to learn more? Man.. maybe I should post that headcannon draft..

Yeah haha, this blog has taken quite the U-turn hasn’t it? I’m just glad everyone seems okay with it so far. <:} I’m excited for season 5 also! I hope it comes out soon! :D

THANK YOU, I WILL CHERISH THIS LOVE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME FOREVER

Yes and no.

Does he think of his crew as children? Absolutely not. They are all fully grown, intelligent and capable adults, and he darn well treats them like it.

But you bet that if one of them is in danger or is frightened, he’s dropping everything he’s doing and rushing to their aid as if they’re his cub that just wondered out onto the highway.

ME TOO! I always felt like he had this fatherly vibe to him with some professionalism sprinkled on top. Like he’s always looking out for his team because he cares for them and worries about them, but its kind of disguised as him just doing his job as the Captain.

I plan to draw more Protective Barnacles because its my jam, so don’t worry! That side of you will have some more fuel soon XD. And thank you for all the compliments! :}

Daww thank you, it twaz nothin. I’m just glad that people want to see my art.

Well, taking everyone into consideration, the tallest is Captain Barnacles, and the shortest is Tomminow. (This little guy 👇)

The Vegimals aside though? Peso is the shortest. 

(And thank you! I’m glad :})

Honestly? Awful. I feel like absolute garbage, I just hope this will all finally go away soon.

Not really no, and no thanks on the cookies, I shouldn’t eat anything until I get super hungry because everything gives me stomachaches.. But a hug would sure be nice right about now.

I can give you a link to their wiki pages if that’ll help, I’m not really good with my words and you can learn everything you need to know about them there. <:}

Captain Barnacles (The polar bear guy)

Kwazii (The orange pirate cat guy)

Peso (The bby Penguin doktor)

Shellington (Tall Otter boi)

Dashi (Doge girl with skirt)

Professor Inkling (Fancy squik)

Tweak (Green bunny country gal chick)

The Vegimals (Little veggie dudes)

All the Gups (Metal fishes)

The Octopod (Momma metal squik)

Whos the youngest Octonaut? Well, if we’re not including the Vegimals, I’d say its probably Peso. And the oldest is most likely Professor Inkling.

Does anyone have claustrophobia? Yes! Captain Barnacles canonically does. He got trapped in a deep hole in some icy caves as a cub, since then he’s been afraid of tight and closed in spaces. I have extended on that fact and thought of many different scenarios relating to the aftermath of the Octonauts movie, but you know.. still not confident in all this Octonauts stuff so I haven’t posted my headcannons yet. <:/

Novelas translated into English means Soap Opera.

You think so? I feel like that’s not Kwazii’s thing, he’d probably like horror movies and action filled movies. But Peso probably would like them not gonna lie, him and Dashi would probably watch them together.

Well, in my draft post I’ve got two headcannons for her so far.

Tweak likes sleeping in the launch bay for the #1 reason that she can hear the water sloshing around in the bay. Which mimics the sound the water in the swamp used to make when she lived there with her Dad.

Tweak gets bad migraines when she’s sick, so the other Octonauts have to do a lot to accommodate her. Because the beds in the med bay aren’t that soft, she prefers to sleep in her room when she’s sick. But then the usually comforting sounds of the water in the launch bay become pain inducing. So the launch bay is emptied of all its water, the lights are shut off and, unless its an emergency, no one is allowed in the launch bay until she recovers. 

I looked it up, and its true.

KWAZII WAS A GIRL IN THE BOOKS?? THEN WHY IS HE A BOY IN THE SHOW?? WHY DID THEY CHANGE THAT?? WH??? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like this Kwazii more than I would any other version of him, but still, WHY’D THEY CHANGE THAT?? IM GLAD THEY DID BUT WHY??

Hmm.. let me think...

Captain Barnacles most likely doesn’t ever have uninterrupted free time, and even when he does, he probably still prefers to be up in HQ where anyone can find him if they need him. But lets say for the sake of it that he has some free time and he takes it. He’d probably either want to play his accordion, or want to read a book.

I feel like there’s a lot of different things Kwazii likes to do in his spare time, but goofing around in the Gup-B is probably his favorite.

Peso probably likes to do puzzles and play his xylophone.

Dashi probably reads books while listening to music. How she does both of these things at the same time I have no idea.

Tweak probably plays video games.

Professor Inkling and Shellington both probably read books in their free time.

I’m not too sure what the Vegimals would do in their free time though..

Oh yes, indeed it does. 

Before becoming the Captain of the Octonauts, Barnacles had to ask himself,  “Am I really ready to be their leader?” Can he handle managing a team of that size? Can he react to situations fast enough and make the right choices? He thought it through and believed that yes. He was ready.

But he wasn’t. He wasn't prepared for that gut wrenching anxiety when one crew member goes missing. He wasn't prepared for the crippling heat that most everywhere else has compared to his home. He wasn't prepared to become so attached to his crew that the thought of something happening to them keeps him awake for nights in a row. He wasn’t prepared for that overwhelming nausea of missing home and his sister. 

There was a lot he didn’t know. They’d all turn to him when something went wrong and ask if everything's going to be okay. He’d say “don’t worry, its all going to be okay.” but he’s just as unsure as everyone else.

Now don't get me wrong, he’s not this completely hopeless and unexperienced Captain that bit off more than he could chew, no. There’s just somethings he didn’t think about before becoming Captain of the Octonauts.

Now usually he can really keep himself composed almost always. He’s very level headed and very good at thinking his way through things, But sometimes? He just.. needs a break. He usually cant get a break because he’s the Captain and always needs to be alert, so everyone else that sees it usually tries to help.

Some crew members, like the Vegimals and Kwazii, have a habit of following the Captain around when they see that he’s tired to keep an eye on him. Others like Shellington and Dashi tend to give him space and keep things quiet for him. Some crew members, like Peso and Tweak tend to clean up around the place to take some weight off the Captains shoulders, they all help him out in some way.

Professor Inkling will sometimes find an excuse to pull him aside to have some tea with him. They’ll sit and talk for a bit but then he’s back up on his feet and back to work. This poor bear..

..hold on.. was this a drawing suggestion?

Dashi and Tweak would probably hang out in Dashi’s room and goof around. Not sure what they’d do.. maybe read, talk, play games or.. idk pillow fights? I don’t know what girls do on a girls night.

As for everyone else? I also am not sure, I don’t know what all those characters with all their clashing personalities would do on a boys night. Maybe they would all watch a movie? All attempt bake something obnoxious together? They seem like the kind of characters that would do that.

I’ve never been to a girls night or a guys night, so I don't really have much of a base to go off of.. but both groups would probably get together and do something they’d all enjoy. Guys maybe a funny movie, and the girls just talking and reading books? <:D 

For real that’d be hilarious. Imagine if their voices were deep and gruff too but they just make them sound high pitched for fun?

Dude that’d be so funny. Like Kwazii’s up to his shenanigans again blabbering on about some sea monster or what have you, and Tunip out of nowhere just goes,

“Kwazii legit stop, we all know that you’re just talking about some ordinary sea creature that pirates interpreted as a sea monster.“

The whole crew gon be like

If this game existed in their world and they all played it.....

Captain Barnacles would make it through a pacifist run and would be satisfied. He’s some kind of weirdo who doesn’t think of characters as real people and doesn’t obsess over them and cry about them. Overall he thinks the game is pretty neat, but probably not his type of game.

Kwazii would want to test his skills by attempting a genocide, but his heart of gold would get in the way and he wouldn’t be able to complete it. He’d feel terrible for killing goat mom, reset and go hard pacifist next round. Overall he thinks the game is awesome.

Peso would want to talk to every character so they’d all be included in the story. He’d go full pacifist and cry over the story and its characters. Overall 10/10 for him.

Dashi would probably cry over the game a lot and would never attempt a genocide run because the characters are now her family.

Shellington would hate the fighting parts so would delay those bits by walking around and talking to characters over and over again.

Tweak would go through a neutral run because she sometimes accidently kills weaker monsters. Overall she loves the story and its characters, 10/10 would play again.

Professor Inkling would become invested in the story I bet. Complimenting the story arcs for the characters and its creative game play. But I feel like he’d only play it once and probably wouldn’t beat it, but would have fun with it none the less.

Thank you!!!♡♡♡ Man, I never expected such a positive response to switching to Octonauts, I cant believe everyone is so excited about it! I’m so glad you like my Octonauts art, that really makes me feel better and like what I’m drawing is worth while. ɷ◡ɷ

Aww I’m glad! And oh yeah, the animals at the end were always scary. Remember the Boo the spookfish?

Boo was a cute little googly eyed fishy boi who was just so sweet and somft until the creATURE REPORT AND I-

THAT’S MY QUE TO YEET THE COMPUTER

Dawww thank you!! I tried. <:}

[rainywritingsx]

Request: Can I get a bnha matchup please? ;u; I'm a transman, 165 cm, 20 and bi/pan with no gender preference. I'm usually quiet/reserved, monotone/boring when spoken to, but once a subject of interest is brought up, or when im with someone I'm comfy with, my personality does a 180 - I'm loud, sarcastic, and annoying. My sense of humor is all over the place lol Ive been told that I'm "old in spirit" bc I'm really mature when I need to be, even if most of the time I act like I'm 5 lmaoo

I'm pretty chill for the most part, idc what u do as long as it's not hurting anybodyhdjdh im also rlly stubborn but a huge pushover, dunno how that works. I'm both carefree and a worrywart (to both others and myself) and I typically hold my emotions in cause I don't wanna bother others. I try to help others 24/7, even if it affects me negatively. Uhh physically speaking im a lot stronger then look, and I own literally no nice clothes lol its all graphic Ts, cargo pants and hoodies for me

I'm a huge ass nerd when it comes to anything science related, especially paleontology + herpetology. I love all animals (no phobias) and I have 3 snakes whom I adore. I also like to draw and write occasionally. I have severe MDD and SAD, so even with meds I can have really bad depressive episodes and/or panic attacks. This is getting super long so I'll stop now fjfkh thank you !! Sorry if I repeated info I got a shit memory

Before I start, I personally have no experience with MDD or SAD, but I did look up both disorders and I hope that what I wrote about them is okay. If you’d like to correct me, please feel free to do so ^^ 

I’m sorry that this is so long lol, but I wanted to discuss as many things you noted as possible ^^ Hope you enjoy it!! ^^

Reminder that as of right now, requests are closed!

I ship you wiiiith

Hawks!

Your personality reminds me of a rainbow in a way? So, I feel like Hawks would never ever find a day boring with you! Since he has this whole thing of people calling him fast etc, I lowkey get the idea that that also applies to his personal relationships, so having someone with so many fun personality traits is perfect for him.

I think Hawks is mature in a way, just like you are. I mean, he started his own agency at 18 and a few years later he is the number 3 Hero, that definitely does something to you. So I think it’s nice to him that you are the same, while also remaining carefree most of the time. It makes his busy and serious life a bit more fun.

Your chill attitude is yet another thing Hawks loves, since he wants to be that way as well. Also, with his job, he most likely can’t always tell you everything about it for safety reasons. As for whether it’s hurting people… He can’t always promise you he won’t do that, but he will let you know it’s always with good intentions. Villains can’t always be defeated with just talking to them.

It kind of warms his heart when you are worried about him. I don’t think Hawks is really the type to fall in love easily, so if he had any relationships before meeting you they may not always have been genuine. While part of him likes it, he also doesn’t want you to worry. He always promises to come back, and it does make him a bit more careful when patrolling, because the last thing he wants to do is upset his wonderful boyfriend.

Now, when it comes to you keeping in your emotions, this is where it gets a bit difficult. I don’t know exactly how much time you two will be able to spend together, so he may not always be able to be there for you when you’re having a hard time. However, while Hawks appears to be chill, he’s also smart and analytic and notices when you are feeling down. He won’t force you to tell him what is wrong as he knows it’s hard for you, but he does reassure you that you’d never ever bother him and he will always listen to whatever you have to say. However, if it seems to go on for a long time, he might push you a bit more, simply because he knows keeping it in won’t do any good. But also here he can tell when it really gets too much, so if you still won’t tell him, he will be a little hurt, but definitely stop.

He thinks you’re the sweetest person ever, but he also worries about your well-being at times. If he sees you absolutely exhausted but still telling him everything is fine, he will just scoop you up and go somewhere so you can relax for a bit. Sorry not sorry :p

He thinks it’s kinda hot that you’re stronger than you may seem heh, like if you work out or just do something that requires strength and he sees it, he might make a flirty remark about it and appear chill but on the inside he lowkey panics because uhm what how is his boyfriend so attractive???? explain?

I don’t think Hawks cares that much about what you wear really, if you feel comfortable in it that’s all that matters. You could literally wear a potato sack and he will think you’re the most attractive person on the planet. He might even spoil you a little by buying you hoodies and other clothing which he knows you would love. And no, he won’t let you give it back, it’s yours.

I can’t really see Hawks being super interested in paleontology or herpetology, but he won’t mind you rambling about those things to him! While he might not always focus 100% on what you’re actually saying, he will study your face, smiling at how your eyes are lighting up and your lips are curled in a happy smile as you go on and on about it. If you catch him not listening to you, he will just make a remark related to your beauty, partly to see how you react and partly because he genuinely means it.

So you love animals? Bird boi is perfect for you, now he sees why you fell for him ;). He definitely likes birds, i don’t think he particularly adores any animals but I can see him strongly disliking some mammals like cats and dogs (I think these sometimes eat birds sooooo yeah..) He definitely thinks your snakes are pretty cool.

Hawks doesn’t seem like much of a reader, but he would definitely love to see your drawings! He thinks every single one of them is super awesome, and if you ever give one to him, he will definitely make sure it gets a special place in his house, a place where he can look at it easily whenever he misses you or just feels like it.

As for your MDD and SAD, at first Hawks will be clueless on how he can help you out. If you have a depressive episode that causes you to isolate yourself, he will definitely force you to go outside. It could be just walking to his place, or taking you on a nice flight at night over the city. Afterwards, he will bring you to your favourite restaurant or buy you food that he knows you love. You will also definitely be showered in lots of love and affection. If you’re uncomfortable with PDA however, he will only do it when you two are alone. He will also joke around and flirt with you just to see you smile, but if he sees it doesn’t help he will stop.

Same goes with your anxiety attacks, at first he’s completely lost on what to do. Hawks isn’t stupid of course, but he’s aware that every person is different. If he finds out about this before you have an attack, he will ask you what would help you in situations like that. However, if this happens without him knowing about it at all, he can recognise what’s happening and will do his best to get you to calm down first before talking about it with you. Hawks may not always seem like the most serious guy, but when it comes to you he’s dead serious and always careful. 

So, you’d be very lucky to have someone like him by your side :) Once Hawks is in a relationship, he will give his all. And any moment with him is definitely far from boring

[tayegi]

The amount of planning you put into your stories. The slightest details to everything, including the characters personalities and the way they behave towards different situations etc. I just wow. Your writing is amazing and we truly don't deserve it. Thank you for haring with us!

Anonymous said:you're amazing and i love you. YOU NICE. KEEP GOING!!!!!!!!!!!♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Anonymous said:the new rules update!!!!!!!! im screaming!!!!!!!!!! jungkook you bloody idiot!!!! god i love your writing so much its always so heartwarming to see you've posted something

Anonymous said:Really nr could be a full length novel, I fucking love it. I was reading the last chapters at uni and almost cry, I had to hold it up but your music recommendations just made it hard. I love that you include songs to listen while reading.

Anonymous said:Btw I just wanted to tell you that I get so fucking excited when you update new rules you don’t understand like it actually made my day/ made me angry/ sad but in the best way so thank youuuuuuuu!!! Also I’m dying for Jungkook to get his shit together oh my god

Anonymous said:idk maybe im too emotional and pmsing but i legit cried reading chapter 11.... jk always reacted weird to relationship talk.. it’s obvious he has scars .. BUT ITS ALSO OBVIOUS HE LOVES OC NDKSKDK IM SO CONFLICTED !!! that shit hurted :-( i just want tHem to be happy UGH

Anonymous said:OMFG So I started following you like eons ago and I can't remember for what fit exactly but then I came upon New Rules and I read all 11 chapters in the span of 1 night and I am OBSESSED. I love how annoying Feminist the Character is, and how strong her personality. And I don't mean annoyingly as a bad thing I just mean that the people around her know her too well for going on these rants and tangents and it's so relatable and I love it. You did such a good job developing the OC and I'm ShoOk

Anonymous said:I have been quite stressed lately, trying to keep with all the work for senior year, studying for the gre and I still need to get started on my grad school applications. I haven't read the last couple of chapters of New Rules because I want to savor it properly after I am done with all this at the end of the year. I treasure and I am grateful for each update and want to give it the attention and love the work deserves. Just wanted to let you know you are greatly appreciated! LOVE YOU!

Anonymous said:Hi Lu 💕 just a reminder to please take your time writing. Take a bubble bath, drink some tea, watch some animal videos, go for a walk, eat something delicious, google some pictures of tae, idk do whatever you need to be happy! Don’t ever feel pressured to please your readers 😄 only write for yourself Oh, and happy Halloween 😈

Anonymous said:I feel so conflicted because I read new rules chapter eleven and I felt like my heart was getting ripped out and stomped on...but the writing was so fucking good I couldn’t hate it for making me feel this way..ur an incredible writer love💕💕💕

Anonymous said:Hi Lu! I don't really have anything to ask you, just wanting to pop by and tell you that you're a quality human and I hope your days get better and better

asmi10 said:I've wanted to write this to you for a while since I see so many people asking you for updates! I can not imagine how difficult it must be for you to manage your phd and your writing. I'm a writer as well, and I'm currently applying for my PhD on postcolonial literature. And my heart breaks, trying to find some time to just write. so imagining your situation seems even more impossible. I wish you rest, and whatever it is you need to make yourself feel better!

Anonymous said:omg love no need to thank me at all!!!! You deserve all the love in the world and all the encouraging messages! I’m just happy you even replied to my message! It means the world to me that you think my message meant the world to you (if that makes sense) I hope you have a lovely lovely weekend 💗💗 (happy anon)

Anonymous said:Also you're h*ckin cute and my lil bi heart is going wild 4 you 💖💖💖

Anonymous said:Hey I just wanted to say how much I admire you 💖 You're one of the first writers I followed on here and as someone who is a fan of BTS and aspires to be a writer one day (if I can fckin pass my uni course) I really appreciate all the time and effort you put into your pieces, as well as your blog as a whole. You remind me to include diversity always, even when it's not always the first thing that comes to mind, and that sticking to your morals and values is immensely important ❤️❤️ Much love

itsrachelm said:Luuuuuu! You seem to be online so I just wanted to pop by to say thank you for all your amazing writing!!! I hope you’re having a wonderful day!

Anonymous said:You’re so cute, I saw the pic of your face and all I can think of us how cute you look

lucielux said:HOW ARE YOU SO PRETTY OOF ♥︎ You remind me a lot of Lisa, with a lil bit of Jennie~

Anonymous said:BETTER THAN LOOKS IS CERTAINLY PERSONALITY AND I LOVE YOURS! I Wish i could be more like you irl you know, knowing my rights and actually making them a big deal instead of being silent most of the time :( we need more people like you in the world and seeing your face makes me happy for knowing exactly WHO i am thankful for existing and bring yourself ♡ take care of yourself Lulu ♡♡ i really admire you for sharing with us your thoughts, that is such a personal thing, through amazing stories ♡♡♡♡

Anonymous said:Fab gurl with fab personality pls do never feel bad abt urself 💜💜💜💜💜💜I PURPLE U 💜💜💜💜💜 ah, can i call u big sis??? Or nah? Thats okay too i respect u 😗😗😗 ughh i feel like a kid when write like this lol K BYE

Anonymous said:you may not look like min yoongi, but that stare could definetely cut a bitch!!! i don't think i've met someone who's so aborably intimidating in my entire life 😮 anyways, i like every single one of your stories and i have a lot of respect for you for working in a STEM occupation... that's not easy, coming from a pre-med student 😅 i hope you have a lovely day and i hope no one fucks with you 😁💓💓💓

Anonymous said:If all middle aged fisherman look like that then I have clearly been missing out. Who needs tinder when turns out that the hot people hang out at the pond. Better start going to lakes to find an extremely pretty date😭🤔

I HAVE THE CUTEST, GREATEST FOLLOWERS OF ALL TIME. I LOVE YOU ALL

[moomooblackshep]

My dysphoria

Well... I'm 26 and so very fucking trans. Ftm. Pre everything. Fuck. It finally makes sense. For the longest time I've always identified as a crossdresser when much younger and then gay as a teen. As gay I've been out to most of my friends, took a while to come out to the family. I hate the word lesbian because it's a label that just doesn't fit and now this. I've only told my closest friends about the trans thing right now. Hopefully I can tell my mom about it later on when I finish my schooling again. Be warned this is long to whoever reads this.

The community has been very visible lately, YouTubers are also getting in on that band wagon. Media over all is so vocal about it now. Also, my mother used to watch a lot of trans surgeries for a solid year and would make me watch it with her. Those were disturbing but dear God like a train wreck I couldn't look away. It wasn't the surgeries that made me realize but they did open up my mind about researching and just looking into what trans is. Looking back there are many red flags. My dysphoria was generally supressed. I remember when I was young, around 10, I considered myself a crossdresser. I was new to the internet then since we just immigrated to Canada and I couldn't stop reading psychology books, journals, articles, anything I can get my hands on to put a label on what I am. I didnt make sense so I settled for something that seemed the closest thing I could find, crossdresser. I internalized that and moved on. We also didn't have much money at the time so I started wearing my brothers clothes and it felt right. Prior to moving into a new country my clothes consisted of dress like uniforms for school and shorts and t-shirt for home/play clothes. My classmates here then started asking me why I dress in boy clothes and I always said I was a crossdresser. They'll have a look on their face but I wasn't making a big deal out of it so they didn't either. I was also the kid that's good at art and I used to give them away a lot when done which people always wanted for some reason. I was also pretty calm and just took a lot of things at face value so people knew they could tell me whatever and I won't freak out, it apparently helped because I was told a hella amount of secrets. Graduation came and yearbooks were signed. Some even said I was the coolest crossdresser they knew and that hopefully everything worked out for me. Then highschool hit and suddenly the whole gay thing cropped up. I realized I didn't like boys early on. It was weird. Everyone tells me that I should and that I have to but I knew I didn't like boys like that at all. When I was younger still, by the pics probably as young as three maybe five, I had a playmate that everyone and their grandmother keep saying that he's my boyfriend. As far as I remember I've always denied it. I had mostly boy playmates but the few girls around I always took special care to make them feel included or give them attention. I didn't understand them. I didn't know why they liked only certain games like the dancing, skip rope, the make up or why they prefer dresses or various things I can't even remember now. I always chalked it up to my two older brothers will beat anyone up that doesn't include me in their games or are mean to me. It was a small enclosed neighborhood. My brothers were in the older crowd and knew everyone being 7 and 9 years older than I was. It still didn't make it any less confusing to me tho. I questioned a lot of things but no one would give me answers or they'll just ignore me. It didn't help that my mother always said disparaging things towards gays. Things about religion and how shameful it is. I don't want to get into it but I ended up internalizing it. We're also Catholic so the Catholic values of how we are in God's image, we should treat everyone as how we would treat ourselves and how God loves us clashed horribly with what she was saying sometimes. I was confused for a while but I tried to rationalize it myself and came up with "he's (the gay man my mom criticized and the only gay person I knew growing up) happy, he seemed comfortable with himself, he's not hurting anyone, he seems like a good person. So I said to myself that if he's all that then it's okay. It's his life and it's his choices. But even when it's okay for him to be gay I knew I wasn't allowed to be gay because of the homopobia my family was showing. I was probably around 7-8 at the point when this all went down. This is also why I stay away from church now. The hypocrisy is something that gets to me but I have my faith and I just try to live as "good" as I can while still being human. I'm probably missing a lot of the stuff because I don't remember much of my childhood. Anyways, that's the internal homophobia and why I couldn't be comfortable with it until later on in my life. By the time highschool rolled around I've immersed myself into the internet and have accepted my love for the female form. Also porn and Anime was a great motivation for an asian teen. Went to an all girls school for highschool, met my best friend in grade nine and proceeded to date her the following year. We lasted all of highschool but I knew I wasn't the best gf at the time or ever. We broke up because she was moving on to better things and I was lost and not going anywhere, I wasn't gonna hold her back to not experience stuff, so we split amicably. We're kind of friends still and adulting sucks. On that note, my dysphoria. In all honesty I never took it as that because my mental and emotional coping mechanisms are suppression and distraction. Anyways, as a kid I always envied the boys. They're always portrayed as being stronger, bigger, the hero, they seemed to have more freedom. As a kid I wanted that. Everyone treated me like such a delicate girl when I didn't feel like a girl at all much less delicate. I was a crybaby sure but that was because my brothers teased me relentlessly and the only time they'll stop at all is if I cry. I wasn't allowed a lot of freedom for expressing myself either because it was met with indifference or anger from my family so I had to figure a lot of things out by myself. Mom isn't the most affectionate or vocal person about feelings either so it's just been me for a long while. Looking back it was a steady progression and the feeling of helplessness that I can't change my sex. It permeated my entire being so I supressed and distracted myself and accepted that I can't do anything about it. Until I was 10 I tollerated the dress ups mom used to put me in, the expectations of being a girl was just another duty I had to uphold as the "youngest daughter" even the long hair was a point of annoyance for me. It was grown past my butt and I hated every second of it. I used to bug mom to get shorter hair, to have a cut like the guys and she gave in once when I caught her on a good day and she cut it to my shoulders. I was happy. It was a step in the right direction. Now if only I can get pants and a dick I'd be happier. Fast forward to puberty and lord was that a thrilling ride. Labelled myself as crossdresser in elementary and now Im gay leaning to Butch lesbian in highschool. Fuck I hated that but again it was another thing I had to tollerated because I couldn't change my sex. I knew transexuals existed mostly I thought that only applied to effeminated men. Aka gay men crossdressing. It didn't connect in my brain that women can be transexuals too. I thought they were just butch/ stud women. I was sheltered and very big on the internal homopobia okay. Now, highschool brought more insecurities. My chest grew like what it does during puberty. I wasn't happy about that. I was a chubby kid but fuck that was such a bad time. I hated them. I strapped them down as much as I can with tape or ace bandages, we had med kits everywhere, when that didn't work I'd wear something to try and flatten them or super baggy clothes. Also I had smaller bras than what I needed so it made them smaller. Had to hunch to hide them. I couldn't figure out why girls bought lingerie for them or why the hell they show it off. I forget a lot that people don't feel what I feel and that I'm not normal. Even with me wanting my chest to be gone but mostly be more male type I also wanted bigger shoulders, a few more inches in height (I'm 5'6), a deeper voice, my jaw and cheeks to be chiseled like the males I see in media. Yeah that was a trip into a rabbit hole. When I was younger I wanted to be like the guys in anime with the body builder like body, the voice, the heroism, the super powers because it's anime and surprisingly how they get the loyal girl. I learned all the chivalry because I always see myself as the guy in the relationship. Flowers, compliments, do nice things even if I don't say my feelings, open a door, pull out a chair, make a girl laugh. Then being a bit older still made me want all those things but now I have certain preference for girls, I wanted to be tall dark and handsome. It's more about being debonair with chivalry thrown in together and having adventures with my partner. It just became more age appropriate as time went on. It was all so confusing but I took the idea and ran with it. I couldn't change my sex? Fine. I'll suppress the need to cry and the depression until I can be free to be myself. Also known as me living by myself. I was terrified of what my family will say and how they'll react. They tried hard to make me girly during highschool and I just repeatedly said no. I never said I was a boy but I saw the need for them to turn me into this girl that I've never felt I was. I hated it. Then I fixated on the aspects I can change. My hair, the way I dressed. How I presented myself. I didn't change my pronouns or name because while I didn't like it it was negligible in the whole. There wasn't much to change to begin with since I already dressed as a male most of the time. Crossdresser in elementary remember. Wasn't much of a shock to the family really, just more annoyance cuz I took my brothers clothes. I sound like I hate everything but aside from a few things that I just glaze my eyes over now I'm pretty laid back and chill. It's just the way I present myself that really gets to me. Ive never given a fuck on why or how others percieved me aside from my family. 15/16 was a rough time. Suicidal thoughts started and escalated. I started self medicating in that I took up smoking cigarettes and weed to dissociate from everything. For a while it worked. Suicide was very close to happening, had it all planned out but when I came home mom was weirdly home. Once we were in Canada my brothers disappeared mostly because of college/uni and work. Mom was the same, she had three jobs at one point to cover all our expenses and Dad hasn't been in the picture for a long while. But yeah, mom was home in a rare off day. We somehow watched a documentary or a show that had suicide in it and she started talking about it. Could've knocked me over when she said that she wouldn't know what to do if she ever found us, mostly me, like that. How she would be devastated and everything. Things like that. It fucking threw me for a damn loop. But I was fucked up and that night I just kept writing and writing and writing until the sun was up and I had to go to school. When I came home no one was there again and I just broke down. My emotional instability, my hopelessness that I can't have the body/sex I want and need, my loneliness, thinking that my family doesn't love me just finally broke me. So I cracked. I cried and I screamed and I just fucking let go. At one point the neighbours even knocked on the door to see wtf was happening. Wiped my face, plastered a smile and said I was practicing for drama class and sorry that I bothered them. I had drama anyways with a play that year so when the neighbours brought it up with mom it was a solid excuse. After that the supressing habit became so strong that for example when I glance at my chest it just disappears from my mind that I even looked at them. There are days where I'm 100% okay with them ( or any part of my body that I can't deal with)for several minutes and I'll look at them and inspect them then later on I'm back to trying to find something to strap them down because the anxiety and panic is back that I don't have the right body. Once the break down was over I couldn't function for days. The dysphoria and depression just consumed me so I figured I needed to do what I needed to do. I cut myself off from that part of me emotionally and mentally. I hid it and I ran. I distracted myself with bad relationships,bad friends, the drug habit kicked up and I even became entangled in the crowd I never wanted to be in. I was a mess and as long as there was something else to worry about I didn't have to deal with myself. It worked for a long ass while but I was never happy. I've never felt joy after that breakdown. I had some contentment but that was it. The lows were manageable because once it starts I pick up a new thing to distract myself. Adult me discovered binders, bought a bunch of them with my first credit card. I was 18/19 and in college. I couldn't wait for it. Finally! I get to have a flat chest. They came and I couldn't be happier. I wore them every day from the time after I shower to just before I slept. Sometimes my mom would wake me to go to the store and I'll throw it on before my clothes. For a solid two years I wore it like my second skin. I went out to my first drink with my second brother with it on. Went to a gay club and picked up someone with it on. Worked in it even though that was a bad time. I was confident as hell. I was finally a step closer to myself. I was mistaken for a guy more often than not and that was fantastic. Then the inevitable happened. I lost them when my mom raided my room with no warning to clean it because it wasn't up to her standards and took all my laundry. I was frantic in looking for them. I was desperate. I kept asking mom where they are. I only ever got one of them back but I went into such a depressive state that shame and guilt and self doubt/hate came crashing back down on me and I couldn't wear it anymore. I went on a drinking bender at that point and I moved out at 20. 21 and I became an alcoholic for the next year. The truth that I'm stuck in this body slapped me so hard I slipped. I dropped out of college, drank from morning till night, was even drunk when I was at work. I just slipped. It was so easy but in the end I had to pick myself up. My family didn't notice much. Just that I was never home and mom and I had a blow out because she expects me home when no one is even home. When there's no food in the house because I didn't know how to cook at the time. She also kept pushing if I was gay and i admitted it. I was never gonna be ready so I just sucked it up and said it even though it felt wrong. Let me be clear as a transman man I'm not gay but right now I'm still seen as a cis woman. Im pre everything so I will, for now, say I'm gay. However, I'm a man trapped in the body of a woman and there is not much I can do until I start transitioning. After that horrible dip in my emotional instability I stopped binding. I just picked up shitty girlfriends after shitty girlfriends. Girls who were selfish and immature and made it all about them without giving back to me. I got stressed over that instead of my body and managing them is more doable than my body. Don't get me wrong I could've dropped them any time since I knew what I was getting into. My need to run from my dysphoria intensified my so called "need" to have them around. Did I love them? No. They were a means to an end and a way to distract myself. Have I ever loved any of them? I did love my first girlfriend but I never gave her what she deserved. When she broke up with me I was sad but I knew that she needed to grow into the person she wanted to be. I wanted her to find happiness even though it wasn't with me. So I let her go. Not completely tho. We're ish friends and I'd rather have that than nothing at all. At 24 I went back to school to finally graduate college. I picked up another shitty girlfriend for 7 months and 2 months after I ended my last relationship. My best friends just laughed and shook their heads at me because they can't believe I'm doing it again after I'm trying to get my shit together. But that was the last relationship I went into. The trans community started being more visible then. Acceptance for LGBT+ was at an all time high. Mom and I were okay. Things were looking up. Me being single was terrifying because I slowly started to unpack all my issues. I had supportive friends who won't leave me, my family is okay with me, I lived alone for a while but came back to mom's because her house is closer to the school and they've been trying to get me to move back in for the last four years. At 25 I just started unpacking and unpacking and unpacking and dear God the amount of issues I had to resolve with myself was a fucking lot. But the biggest is my dysphoria so I researched and read and watched a ton of vids to finally come to the conclusion that I'm trans. I'm trans not because I hate my body but because I believe I'm in the wrong one. It's terrifying to know that because there's no immediate remedy. I'm trapped and the process to switch is long, expensive and not permanent in a way I won't ever have the biological markers without outside influence. Having biological kids will be an issue too but I've always thought that I would never give birth to one, I've always assumed that I would adopt or somehow one of my friends will make me the guardian for theirs if they ever pass away. I've never felt compelled to have one of my own. A family yes but I would love any child in my family whether it's biological or someone else's. At 26, just had my birthday last month, I'm contemplating transitioning in the next year or so. I still have issues to work through but I think when I talk to a psychiatrist or counselor I would be okay. It's a lot to consider and I need to be sure it's the right way for me. In all honesty I'm pretty sure I'll transition. I've waited long enough I can wait a little longer to make an informed decision.

To whoever is reading this just know that it was hard and difficult journey for me but if you can accept the situation even just a little, enough to get you through until you can deal with it financially, emotionally and mentally it gets easier. Self hate is a very heavy burden to carry I wish it could be easier but youre a stronger person for it in the end. It helps to focus on other things to build your life. Finish school, have a good job, maybe a relationship because if you focus too much on the dysphoria once it's taken care of you will still have life in general to deal with and it's good to have the ideal life you want ready for you because you built it and you changing your body is the last piece to make it perfect.

[zoesrhees]

hey guys!! as the trash that i am, im going to drop 99 percent of my replies and start over fresh mostly because i’ve lost focus to be completely honest however i’ve taken the time to rewrite my character descriptions and added a bit more info and i would love some connections for them all, i’ve included their houses, fcs hometowns etc etc for connection purposes, it’s all gonna be under the read more

zoe; (arden cho) sophomore, 20, pre-law, kappa gamma kappa; originally from san antonio, tx but moved to pa right before she started high-schoo, cheerleader, big dumb idiot  basically, a mash between ally mcbeal and elle woods, incidentally they are both her heroes, though she knows ally had her share of problems, she’s very much got a similar mindset. zoe does try to be a good person, she’s smart, loyal and sweet but often can be selfish, stubborn and shallow. generally nice to get along with, she’s not much trouble but isn’t afraid to stick up for herself and once she decides to stand her ground that is it. not the best at doing so of course, that person that will think of a comeback HOURS later instead. hopeless romantic who is in love w/ love, she’s a sucker for anything cute and heartfelt, really wants to have her own modern love story, but also afraid of being burned or being the only one to fall, does stupid shit literally all the time honestly, sticks her foot in her mouth a lot, doesn’t know how to react in uncomfortable situations and will literally RUN AWAY from you, just a big ole sucker, really sweet, really friendly, loves everyone even when not every loves her. serial dater, would love some exes if they only dated a few times, etc etc.

dulce; (ana de armas) junior, 21, drama major, gamma delta VP, from south beach, fl basically do you remember those my super sweet sixteen shows, that was dulce except it was a quincianera instead. she comes from a loud af cuban family and they’re from miami, her parents make bank bc her dad owns a bunch of businesses and she loves sunny weather. she’s a little bit of a brat for the most part well meaning, though can be vicious if provoked, super overdramatic, extremely extra when she wants to be, very in touch with her feelings, hispanic stereotype in so many ways, HELLO, loves her older brother to death. very very gay, very very in the closet, afraid of her brother rafael finding out and their relationship crumbling because while she wouldn’t ever tell him he’s pretty much her best friend. wants to be the next angelica schuyler on broadway, very talented. would love some secret girl hook ups in the past, like SUPER secret, she’s slowly starting to be more comfortable in her own skin and taking baby steps out of the closet.

hunter; (lyndsy fonseca) 23, junior, sociology major, omega alpha chi, from Savannah, GA & California in her teens, field hockey co-cap, she’s just a lil slice of gay apple pie honestly. grew up in the south when she was younger, lived in california for a few years and fell in love with her next door neighbor before her parents ripped her away, her family basically disowned her and she was ready to run away at sixteen when her brother offered to go with her, they were pretty much homeless for two years and did a lot of semi shady shit, she got her ged, went to community college and worked her ASS OFF to get where she is now, had a lot of disdain for her mom and dad who were very conservative and very ashamed and she turned into a very sour girl. hateful and disrespectful towards her family she is definitely not over how they hurt her. extremely defensive over her big brother, heinous but fiercely loyal, don’t fuck with the people she cares about or she will come after you until you never want to see her face again and regret your decisions, extremely persistent, extreme asshole, not afraid to drag anyone she likes to use men for money, a lot. secretly misses her parents and wishes they loved her, not coping with the idea that they dont.

bruno;(jarod joseph) 21, junior, graphic design major, psi delta social chair. originally from australia but lived in new york part of the time, too bruno is literally everyone’s friend. there’s no making an enemy out of this guy, he’s genuine, sincere and really fucking nice. also really high ALL the time, likes to draw and paint, really into grafitti like wants to be the next bansky and shit. when he was young his parents died and he was adopted by his godparents aka luna and rocky’s parents and he grew up with them extremely protective of both of them, luna is LITERALLY HIS rock like he would be lost without her and he loves rocky more than air like its the BROMANCE to end all bromances. it’s hard to see him in a low mood. very sensitive, really in touch with his feelings and shit, will literally give you the shirt off his back, super passionate about mashed potatoes honestly. if you’re a nice person, bruno is your friend and if you’re not a nice person he’s going to try anyway

ruby;(marie avgeropoulos) 20, sophomore, marine biology major, kappa gamma kappa, gymnastics team co-cap, originally from australia actually the nicest person you will ever meet, puts everyone’s needs before her own and is extremely worrisome, self-blaming and self-deprecating. tries hard to be happy for everyone she knows and loves because she knows they’re not all. obsessive over every little thing and vehemently wants people to like her, loves with her whole heart no matter who it is, big science dork, very into gymnastics, doesn’t drink much, doesn’t do drugs and just really pure, has a shaky family past but her siblings are her world, afraid of anything happening to them, literally terrified of losing her big brother because they’re so close, passionate, open, honest and genuine, tries to push away the fact that her past has turned her into a sad bean and puts on a smile for everyone.

true; (ricky whittle) 25, senior, pre-med major,epsilon kappa tau vp, spent a lot of his time in paris before going to college, he chose to defer his first year but after a bad motorcycle accident he ended up starting very late anyway grumpy old man that would be walter mathau to shame. lived in paris for a few years where he met the LOVE of his life holy shit, after she left he got into a pretty bad motorcycle accident that fucked with his leg so now he walks with a cane and takes a lot of pain pills.  cynical as all hell, rarely smiles, mean to everyone except for his sister, probably still has a vcr and a member’s only jacket because he is SO behind the times. studying to be a doctor, only rushed greek because of his parents and his little sister hope, his older sisters are extremely driven and successful and he feels the need to be too, hard living in their shadow their parents impress so many values on them. has been less miserable nowadays but still just has a permanent raincloud over his head. think dr. house meets munch from svu honestly.

bellamy; (caitlin stasey) 20, junior, astrophysics major, tau alpha zeta pres, softball team, from new iberia, la, your basic human trash can, she’s a slob, crass and hardly cares what anyone thinks of her both personally and physically, thinks she’s hilarious as hell but is really just super lame and stupid as hell, meme queen, really gross, makes a lot of stupid rash decisions “for the vine” even though vine is dead now, fierce friend, HUGE know it all, she might act stupid as all hell but she’s actually brilliant and is that sort of asshole that will not hesitate to correct you, space gay, loves looking at stars and definitely thinks aliens are real, really close to her big brothers and her cousins, has had a her heart broken a time or two but is really good at pretending everything is okay because that’s just what she does, laughs everything off. fiercely loyal friend, hoping to be sponsored in life by taco bell one day.

[whoseventingthere]

So, my tale is a lucky one on many regards, but also a weird one, as years ‘n years ago, my dad found out I was ace after literally years sitting me down to have super hinting talks of “you know it really doesn’t matter to me who you bring home. Just so you know. Just reminding you this. Just in case. Just so you know. And remember you can tell me anything. Just so you know.” which finally turned into “It’s very clear you’re not into guys. You don’t need to be ashamed of being attracted to girls. YOU CAN TELL ME THINGS. THERE IS NO USE HIDING THINGS FROM ME ANYWAYS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT NOT LOOKING LIKE YOU’RE HIDING SOMETHING. FESS UP ALREADY KIDDO. IM ACTUALLY MAD YOU ARE KEEPING SECRETS FROM ME AND AM YELLING AT YOU. AGGRESSIVE “CARING”. THATS HOW I ROLE.” so I admitted what I was keeping was that I am asexual...and then had to explain what that meant.....but that it didn’t mean I NECESSARILY am not attracted to people romantically! It only sometimes means that! I could still bring someone home like he wanted to! I just don’t know who yet! But- but I feel at the moment I dont care about people’s gender so maybe I’m bi idk dad I don’t comprehend romance which should be a huge sign I’m aro but I dont know what that is yet and just know apparently being “alone forever” is bad so I’m just saying whatever I think will make you happy because apparently I can lie successfully once in awhile. But nope I didn’t say an answer my dad was satisfied with. “Oh. So what you’re saying is you arent attracted to people sexually. Well that just isn’t possible. I’m going to make you very uncomfortable and hurt now by chuckling in a oh you naive youth way because ‘You’ll See Someday’”. And then it was dropped for awhile, except for the occasional “you still that A thing?” “You figure out who you’re attracted to yet and ready to Actually Confide in Me so I can pat myself on the back for Good Dading to in my mind make up for how much I yell at you over tiny mistakes or your mental stuff and/or make you cry and then yell at you for crying?” and then laugh or role his eyes at my answer. And then, after a few years of that, he eventually outed me to my therapist, asking if there was any way he could “fix me” because he’d done “research” and it was OBVIOUSLY my meds or my brain stuff itself or something. Which is why I’d never come out to my therapist. Because him thinking those things was the very thing I was scared of because of most other people’s reactions (like ‘friends’ who pestered me about why I wasnt into sexy sex talk like they were or whom I felt I was close to and wanted someone to accept me but the few times I tried were rarely successful so yeah.....or the 'friends’ who SEEMED to accept me but then would make shitty jokes about me all the time for being ace....Or that one guy who was friends of friends who found out and made it his mission to make it his business to harass me again and again with “how do you know if you’ve never tried it” because he was “concerned” about me, or the first guy to pressure me into dating him who was aware I am ace before he even asked me out because he was one of those ‘friends’ who I thought was trustworthy and one who actually seemed to accept me and never made jokes but nah found out after we finally broke up he’d been considering trying to convince me to drink with him so he could get me drunk so I would be “less nervous” and then make some “compromise” with me to at least try “it” one time......so aka rape me.....and according to our mutual ‘friends’ only decided against it because they said it might be too difficult to get me to drink because I hate alcohol.....and they said this like it was a reasonable idea so yeah there went that ‘friend’ group but um now im rambling). But to my suprise my therapist was luckily a chill one, accepted me without question as he’d heard of aces already, and set my dad straight (or kinda.....he has gotten better over time and he stopped trying to convince me otherwise but it turned slowly from still doubting me but being like “whatever happens happens I guess” to “I feel bad because you will never find love even though you have said you aren’t necessarily unable to feel romantic love”.....to..........well, very recently when I finally brought it up myself again seemingly totally being legit supportive of me finally about everything about me but that’s a topic for another time), and then was really chill and supportive when I came out about past bad experiences and other problems and such. But then after I finally concluded, after pondering for so long over it, I am aromantic too for sure probably, and I decided to tell him because he is my therapist and it’s good to be open about things.....I was met with “hmmmm. I don’t think you should be too hasty” and brought out a big spiel to try to convince me otherwise.....

I mean, I know it could be worse, he’s a great helpful guy in other ways--- accepted my aceness for starters and takes me seriously with any problem I have or have ever had even if no one else took me seriously and helps me work through it, accepted my dysphoria right away unlike any other cis person I knew at the time who found out (thank you both my two only True Friends at the time who happen to be trans and helped me understand what I’d been experiencing for years) and helped me deal with getting stuff done and helped me work the system and helped me figure out my whole non-binary thing along with that---- but just.....what the heck bruh. Why is that where you draw the line? Like, yes I am aware I have lucked out with getting this guy in regards to everything else and this is a small thing, just a tiny microaggression compared to how people react to other things or other non orientation stuff I’ve faced, but.......it’s so weird and dumb. I’m not making a huge complaint about this....but....I just need to express because it IS such a weirdly dumb thing when placed with everything else.... What the heck. Why? 

[asksansweredpdf]

These are actually solid questions

1. First thing you wash in the shower? my hair

2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? i can’t stand coffee. and alcohol might as well be my blood at this point

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? haha noooo. he was nice but i felt literally nothing. was like kissing a brick wall or something. tbh i never feel much when i kiss boys

4. Do you plan outfits? YES. i’m a drama queen and a diva and flamboyant and i need to look good always. i have my graduation in 2 days and i still haven’t planned what to wear and it’s bothering me

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? tbh pretty numb. like not happy and not sad. just. .... chillin

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? my track pants

7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body? well with the mood im in now, i probably wouldn’t react. but the logical side of my brain would kick in and i’d phone it in to the police. 

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? it’s still that one about the creepy old dude touching me in the car. 

9. Three of your current feelings? -introspective -apathetic

-wistful

10. What are you craving right now? tbh i would very much love to hug my stuffed pink harold. but he’s downstairs and i just don’t have the energy to walk haha

11. Turn ons? not rly in the mood to answer these

12. Turn offs?

13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? this vine

14. When was the last time you cried? Why? idk like over a month ago. i had to work a thursday night shift which is always super stressful. and that day my sister just started beating the shit out of me so the anxiety was like double

15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be? ironman. any day. or spiderman because it’d be fun to just swing around the city listening to music peacefully

16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? nope. she doesn’t even know that i know about half the shit she did. never ever apologised about the stuff she knows i know about. no acknowledgement. no apology. just pretends it never happened

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? lick it 

18. Favorite movie ever? idk i like frozen and pride and prejudice and the hunger games

19. Do you like yourself? i like myself, but i can’t seem to justify why. i don’t really have an identity. i don’t know what i’m like. and so it’s hard to like myself when i don’t know what i like about my self, or why i do. but i enjoy being myself.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity? i met stan walker once? he’s a minor celebrity in australlia

21. Could you handle being in the military? part of me would thrive in the structure and forced exercise and socialisation. another part of me would completely crumble because like i have anxiety

22. What are you listening to right now? i don’t give a ... - missio

23. How many countries have you visited? india, america, canada, australia. so 4 i guess

24. Are your parents strict? you betcha

25. Would you go sky diving? sure yeah. i’m afraid of heights so the adrenaline would be wild

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? nah. i dont give a shit about him. maybe i’d go if he paid for the food.

27. Whats on your mind right now? literally nothing. mostly thinking about endgame. i’m also thinking about taking my mum’s anti anxiety meds since she doesn’t use them and i have anxiety. but i don’t want to take them without professional advice. but also, i am a professional advice. and like what could happen? i’d get mentally ill?

28. Is there anything you want to say to someone? nah i dont really feel like talking atm. i guess i’d ask if they wanted to go for a smoke. i would love a cig rn

29. Have you ever been in a castle? no but i would love to!!

30. Do you rent movies often? not really, i just watch stan/netflix

31. Whats your zodiac sign? cancer sun, leo moon, libra rising

32. When was the last time you had sex? i haven’t had sex

33. Name five facts about yourself. i honestly don’t think i know enough about myself to do this but let’s give it a go -i have short hair -i love music more than literally anything -i turn 21 this year and i have no idea what to do for it -i’m thinking of getting a motorbike soon -i’ve never broken a bone

34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened? nope

35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny? i used to. and i absolutely would love to believe in all that stuff. but not to sound angsty or whatever, i’ve had so many shitty things happen to me that it’s hard for me to believe that it’s all part of some big plan or that there is any justice in the world. i think people just do shit and that’s it

36. Brown or white eggs? ive never had white eggs so..... brown?

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? nah we dont have it in australia

38. Ever been on a train? yeah man i love trains

39. Ever been in love? not mutually, no

40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it? it’s a million bucks. absolutely. one night of terror to never have to worry about anything ever again. i’m a witch too so as much as i’d be scared, it’d be fine.

41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with? someone rich and famous. maybe harry styles or freddie mercury. i’m sure they didn’t have it easy, but it’s certainly easier than things have/ever will be for me you know?

42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it? absolutely

43. Whom do you admire and why? i tend not to admire irl people. but i do admire tony stark a lot (GOD this is so lame ksajrsjkfs). i admire his charisma, his confidence, his humour, his good looks, his intelligence, his eyes. he embodies everything i feel like i can never be. but everything i’ll always want to be.  i admire freddie mercury. for his work drive and ethic. for his confidence and stage presence, his ability and talent in singing, songwriting, musical instruments. his flamboyancy, his sense of humour. again, these are all qualities i would love to have.

44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child? oh i never really got read bedtime stories

45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do? internally, i’d be like “that sucks for you” and walk away. but i can’t be a dick, so i’d assess the extent of the fire and see if there was a way to save the baby. i’d try if so, if not idk what i’d do. panic and call 000?

46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you? nah man. gotta let kids live their lives 

47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol? alcohol: the night i just moved out of home 2 weeks ago. my roommate invited a friend over, and we all had fun and played never have i ever and i flirted with this really cute guy and had so much fun. i hadn’t really had any experiences like that before because i was - anyway. it was nice to feel like a normal 19 year old just for a second weed: either the time i was drunk and high at our housewarming party and went to the park and felt like i was on a fucking rollercoaster, or the time i got super cooked after work and had a shower which felt amazing and then went back to my room and listened to beautiful people beautiful problems. i didn’t hallucinate per se, but i closed my eyes and could like see the lyrics “blue is the colour of the planet from the view above”. it was like i was in outer space and could see the earth and i was so relaxed and it was so magical mdma: my halloween party! there were so many people and no one knew i was high and we had a mad dance party and i met some of our neighbours and i just had so much fun talking to everyone and Living. 

48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol? alcohol: being around boring people when drunk is boring. especially because when i’m drinking i really want to have a good and fun time.  weed: ahh i have anxiety so i used to get a few panic attacks when i was smoking mdma: eugh it was my friends 21st at the time and we took mdma and i thought it wasnt kicking in because all we did was sit in bed and talk. literally so boring. im so mad that i wasted my first time like that

50. As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it? nah, i’d probably hand it in to the police. actually, i dont trust the police so i’d probably google what to do with it. but probably police because i cant have stolen money or give it to someone else. 

51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them? not hanging out with someone because of that has literally never even crossed my mind

52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger? nah. i’m actually going places now days

53. How old were you when you lost your virginity? tba

54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires? nope

55. If you could live forever, would you want to? yeah probably. i’d like to give it a trial run though. i’m very anxious, so being lonely and immortal might make it worse. but at the same time, being immortal might make it easier to not give a shit and to be less anxious

56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are? honestly i feel like jane villanueva or peter parker

57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit? i would love to be a victorian bitch with a bomb ass dress and waist

58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it? probably not. unless it was someone i really hated, i wouldnt give a shit

59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it? i mean i wouldn’t be the best person for the job, but i also wouldn’t be the worst. if i could have time to properly study politics then yeah i’d consider. 

60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to? i’d probably want a girl but i dont really see any reason to not have a boy

61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy? be wealthyyyyyy

[badbrainthoughts]

(11.11.18. 10:08 pm. in my dorm room.)

I just had my first panic attack in nearly a year.

My friend, Kat, invited me to go out for chinese with her other friends. The thing with me is that.. I’m not other-friend compatible. I, generally, am very picky and selective with whom I befriend and spend time with. Maybe that is the reason why I don’t - ever - react well to meeting my friends’ other friends. 

Anyways, we went out and they were.. fine. Two of them I already knew and had decided I wasn’t too fond of, the other two were about on the same level. Fine, call me judgmental, but there are just types of people that I just don’t want to associate with or spend my time with. As my weird ass sugar daddy-esque sorta-boyfriend puts it, some people are like robots and don’t think. Maybe the pool of people I believe to not think is larger than others. Or maybe I’m just an introverted, judgmental bitch.

The dinner went fine and all, I being my weird, quiet, stiff self around strangers and the other girls being normal and talking. Afterwards, me and my friend Kat were supposed to watch American Horror Story because I had never seen it and we were watching it from the beginning. But, of course, Kat invited another girl to join and I... well, I didn’t like that, ha. I’m dramatic. She reconfirmed the plans as we walked back into our dorm building and I told her “Actually, I’m gonna go back to my room.”

Later on, my other friend Emilia texted me and invited me to go watch a movie up in her room. I figured it was just gonna be me and her, and maybe her roommate and Kat as well. All cool, I like these people and it’s not a social gathering. But, alas, when I went there were two other people I didn’t know very well and was immediately turned off to the situation. I was in the room for a max 5 minutes before someone told me “hey, you can sit down haha” to which i responded, once again: “Actually, I’m gonna go back to my room.”

The absolute drama of it all. I swear, it wasn’t scripted.

Emilia texted me afterwards and asked me what was wrong, and I told her the truth: too many people. She then sent more texts about how she originally only invited me and Kat, but other people wanted to join along as well, and that she was sad that I left.

I responded: “sorry.”

Now that I’m looking back on it, the situation is pretty dumb, but I got overwhelmed and it was either go back to my room and cry then, or painfully endure the anxiety and break down in my room afterwards. 

But I’ve been bad recently, I haven’t been taking my meds, I’ve been stressed with schoolwork, I have no idea who I am or the type of person I want to be, I don’t know what I want to do in life, my romantic life is fucked up and I’m in love with the worst possible person for me and have some other dude who I don’t like wrapped around my finger, and I’ve been overall uneasy and out of balance.

Ah, the dude who is wrapped around my finger. He’s cute, I’ll give him that. His name is Martin. Martin. How.... unsexy. But it’s fine, he’s tall and blonde and lil chub but cute n nerdy n gummy. He’s funny and weird and nice and definitely likes me a lot. We went out for pizza two days ago and immediately afterwards he asked me out on another date. We’re going to get milkshakes. Adorable.

Last night we were messaging and somehow (this was inevitable, knowing me, but I didn’t expect it to happen so soon) I ended up calling him vanilla, and he was all “i am NOT vanilla” and I was like “Oh ur a FREAK???” which is code word for oh-you-might-be-kinky-and-im-kinky-but-im-going-to-wait-til-you-say-it-first-because-what-if-i-scare-you-away. So he’s kinky but I wasn’t expecting to discover that so soon.

Which is good, because I doubt I would function in a relationship that was entirely vanilla.

“But,” you must be wondering, “what about Mr. weird ass sugar daddy-esque sorta-boyfriend?” Well, he’s long distance, and busy with super top secret things that I would be punished - if not killed by corporate spies - for sharing. And he knows that I literally only care for him (I remind him everyday) and that this guy is just.. entertainment for me, as bad as it sounds.

I don’t know, Martin is a nice kid and I would like to be his friend but I couldn’t get in a relationship without sex and I am - as stupid as it sounds - saving my virginity (whatever that mythical thing is) for my long distance sugar daddy slash boyfriend. I am totally making the right choices here.

This raises the question - am i polyamorous? I’m not sure. The idea of having multiple partners is appealing to me but would I be willing to share my partners? Questionable. Ideally I would have 100 boyfriends and 100 girlfriends and they would all be loyal to me, but that’s NOT realistic and very, very stupid and narcissistic. I know, for Bryce (my LDR sugar daddy lol) I would be 110% okay with him being with other men, because they can offer him things that I just... can’t. Women.... if she’s older than both of us and dominate over him... then I would be okay with it. But the idea of him being with other girl subs makes me wanna die, to be honest. It’s strangely specific and a lot to ask for. And I know he’s okay with me having sex with girls, but generally I get the vibe that he’s quite possessive and doesn’t want to share. I.. personally, like it that way. But I also am open to having multiple partners. It’s very confusing and taxing for me to think of.

Anyways, I’m not quite sure how I got from having a panic attack to discussing my worries of polyamorous relationships. Either way, I’m exhausted and I’m going to lie down and imagine I’m curled up next to some strange man who lives across the country. 

(10:52 pm.)

[heyligaya]

Thanks, Dad! (A birthday tribute to Papa)

First, I want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIR JULIUS!

I can't believe how a 67 year old can still jog and maintain full working posture under 12nn heat just to take care of his plants and veggies. I mean how?? RIGHT?

But first let me take this opportunity to give appreciation to your existence. So Im going to talk about YOU.

For everyone's knowledge, I am a certified PAPA's GIRL. Loud and Proud! Every time I watch commercials, movies or even a skit about a dad-daughter love, my eyes are weak! Tears will sure to fall and im not even kidding. Have you seen Jollibee's commercial about the kid celebrating Valentine's with his mom when his dad died?? Bro...... that one's tough. But yes, I am pretty emotional when it comes to my dad. He never once used violence as a discipline. Mind you, Im not spoiled. I understand the weight of their No's. Even though they raised me in a way that I MAY have looked spoiled, I always respect their rules. That is why I value that at this age, I still have a curfew and it has been a well known fact with my friends. My dad  wasn't really the "cool" type of a dad. He's more of the boring old-school type. Base on his age, I think it's self explanatory how OLD-school he can be. He hates going to the malls. He doesn't like traveling because it makes his feet sore after a long drive. He hates cold sweet drinks and (oh this is something I am proud of) he is a VEGETARIAN. *jaw drop. Yes my dears. My dad hates PORK AND BEEF. Our lunch and dinner consists of a Meat course (for me and mom) and Talbos ng Kamote (for dad). My mom loves cooking and sometimes it's a problem within our household how can we make dad eat the food if it has meat in it SO, my dad grew his own veggies. Let me reitirate that. HE. GREW. HIS. OWN. VEGGIES. We have all sorts! From Tomatoes to Malunggay. From Fruits like Mangga, Santol, Calamansi, Papaya, Buko, Saging. So HE can harvest anything there to steam and eat. That's how it's been since forever. Maybe that's why I grew up with veggies as something normal unlike some kids who hates them.

My dad was pretty smart. Graduate of UP Diliman and University of Baguio. He was a aiming to be a doctor but due to circumstances, he took Pre-Med (back when Pre-Med is actually a legit course) and decided to study Medical Technology after AND decided to study Library Science AND took MA in Library Science (whew) Worked in Lung Centre and transferred to World Health Organization. He manages the Library because he loves books (I MEAN WHO DOESN'T!?) and was also a researcher for TB-Dots and many more. At first it was normal to us but I tried to google his name. WOW! HE WAS PRETTY FAMOUS IN W.H.O! Considering he traveled all over the world and talks about these illness to places where internet is beyond impossible. He retired at the age of 60 and has been at home taking care of the house, dogs and mum ever since. After he retired, he was offered to be an ambassador for Indegenous People of Asia Pacific. Maaaaan! Am I proud!!! He declined it since it's been a dream of his to just rest at home.

For the past few years, I've witnessed my dad hard work phase and the stay-at-home dad phase. I've observed how his hair slowly turns to gray and how he lost weight. Out of us three, He's the the least to get sick (bet all those vegetables works after all) and believe it or not, their are days where I just stare out of nowhere or stare at the back of his neck while he drives and think "What will I do without this man?" (wow im crying right now). There are times when I think I might go crazy when he leaves us and as much as I don't want to grasp around that idea, I am a little worried thinking how much he's aged and how I lost track of time. I grew up without knowing he is also growing old. I never heard him complain at anything (except whenever we use water too much or lights are open too long) about us. Mum and I are CRAZY hoarders but he never complained. Back when I was in a several relationships, he was once asked, "Okay lang po ba kayo sa boyfriend niya?" and I was right there, standing near our entrance door, holding Obama when he answered "Ehhh basta okay siya at gusto niya at safe siyang nakakauwi, Okay samin. Ang mahalaga, iuuwi niya siya samin" (these tears...) and I was moved. I promised myself never to burden him with my decisions. To always let him know where I am and if he wants me to go home, I will.

When I found out that I was adopted, I cried. Not because they kept it a secret but because I was sad that I wasn't theirs but then, I slowly understand that I was ALWAYS theirs. I was never ashamed being adopted. I was cared with a father who took care of me. Fed me. Gave me education. Thought me how to drive etc. During those times, I asked my mom why they didn't tell me sooner. She said "Ayaw ni Papa mo". At first, I didn't know why but I know now. He took his time before telling me. He waited until I know in my mind that I can accept it and that is how he always was. He never once said anything that will make me hate them because he knew me and how I will react to things. It's either he will wait or he will step back and let me figure it out. I was raised by a man who let me grew as someone who can handle things this way.

When I first had my heart broken, he knocked on my room door with my eyes puffed and him not knowing why. He just sat there and asked me "Gusto mo starbucks" and wow! Did I cry my eyes out. Whenever I get sick, he always go up to my room and sit and just touch my forehead and leave. He will not say a word but that tap on the forehead is enough. He opens and closed the gate for me as I leave. He drives me to work every Thursday (coding day) for 3 years. He asks me "San ka punta?" everyday even if he knew Im going to work. He always reminds me to eat before leaving even if I don't. He reminds me to SAVE money. SAVE SAVE SAVE that is probably his favorite word. He took me to my first Star City experience because I was bullied at school. Whenever he's out, he still buys me fruits and I too buys him popcorn if I had the chance. He never missed 6:30pm news. We argue with TV schedules since HE IS THE KING OF THE COUCH but when I say "Pleeeeeaaaaase", he wil accept defeat, hand me the remote and transfer in his room to watch. He was the reason I loved writing and reading. My first love letter was addressed to him. I can tell you SO many thing I love about him. The list goes on. But for now, I am just grateful that I was raised by Julius Dizon Jr. A man with a heart of gold. Someone who smiles at every passerby whenever he waters his plants. Famous for his kind heart who never hesitates to give for his family and to strangers. If I will be born again, I would still choose to be in this family. Even if it's just us three. They consider me as a gift who was given to them in times that they prayed for one but the truth is, I was born because God knew that these people will be my anchor. Today, Dad, as you take a year old, I would like to give my sincerest appreciation of how you loved me and my mum. You deserved all the happiness this world can offer. Eat as much veggies as you want! Sing your heart out with Sunday's Bests! Jog everyday at your heart's content.

You are my standard of a man I would someday like to be with forever. Your values as a person and your heart that puts a mark to people is something I respect, Pa. I will always look up to you. Tell stories about you and tell them how proud I am of you. God has blessed us with Y-O-U. I pray that God may let you live longer and stay with us and keep us entertained with your petty arguments with Mum. I wish for you to enjoy your day today. I pray that God will continue to guide you and give you happy days like today. You are a gift of life itself. Salamat, Pa! HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY and may the karaoke today be full of Elvis Presley songs. Have fun with you jogger friends and keep it slow with the beer. Hehehe I know you love drinking it but take it slow okay? Mum and I will cook your handa today so I alarmed my clock so no need to knock on my door to wake me up. I love you Pa! SUPER KADUPER!

Love,

Bubwit. <3