#and im not part of a medical study anymore so i can't use that to get free cat scans

[marble-needs-therapy]

So I heard the term 'hypochondriac' thrown around throughout my life but never actually knew what it meant so I googled it and um

Obviously i'm not going to try to diagnose myself with anything after doing like 5 minutes of reading but.

Is it not normal to go to sleep kinda half expecting to just die? Like if your body is Doing Something you don't automatically assume you have stomach cancer or are having a heart attack or stroke or something??? I just attributed this to having mild paranoia bc as a kid I was so used to all my alarm bells going off literally always that I just figured I'd be dead by 25

I have! To go think about stuff!!!!!

Actually that's a lie I'm going to just keep assuming I'm dying until it's true eventually

[qwertyfingers]

suicide tw i guess sorry i just need to. say things and not have a real conversation but how the fuck am i supposed to get out of this state of mind rn when im in thjs much pain literally nothing is helping at all. even if i wasnt also strugglign mentally for other reasons this would be insane to deal with. its been 10 fucking years of just eternal decline the pain gets worse and worse im developing increasingly dangerous symptoms i literally *physically* on a chemical level can't get anywhere close to a healthy amount of sleep because everything is so fucked up in my brain. 3-5 nights a week i cant even lie down all the way because the pain gets worse because the pressures so bad and no one can help me no one can improve any of this even a little bit. maybe i get lucky and in 6-9 months time the new injection reduces the symptoms enough to get back to my previous level of disability where i [checks notes] uh 'still cant function in a basic way but at least get more than 2-3 hours of lucidity per day' and thats maybe 60% likely. 40% chance it has little-no effect and the nhs refuses to fund it long term and my literal last hope for any relief from this hell is lost. and i cant even bring myself to be hopeful about the medication working because i have lost all sense of optimism or belief in my own body and dont know that ill ever get it back. given the symptoms and my dad getting diagnosed with the same thing theres close to 100% certainty my migraines are literally just a result of spinal instability in my neck that could be fixed surgically but its literally impossible to get in the uk and the sums of money needed even just to get assessed are so astronomical it will literally never happen. i cant do this for the rest of my life! i cant spend 30-40-50-however many years exhausted and distraught and in agony with absolutely no reprieve or hope or change. whats the point! what do i have to live for? media consumption? i cant even hold a conversation online about things i like anymore. when was the last time i managed to reply more than 2-3 times before the conversation fizzled out or i got too sick to be online or i forgot i was talking at all and just disappeared. i will never be able to go back to school i will never have any kind of work that fulfils me in any way. ill probably never regain my ability to read even close to as well as before. my drawing ability will keep deteriorating and ive already lost all patience and affection for the process of making art in any form. ill never be able to regularly do the things i used to love like hike and play team sports and act on stage. ill never get back my mathematical ability ill never get to study physics like i wanted ill keep losing parts of myself by inches and miles every time something in my body deteriorates. i lost everything i cared about at 16 and the only thing that kept me alive was my hope that i could recover some semblance of it, and then i almost died a few dozen times and my hope wavered but at least i had my fucking stubbornness and now i dont rven have that. i have no spite or rage or tenacity or ferocious desire to prove myself against all the odds anymore im just tired. physically mentally spiritually its all just over and done i got nothing left to give to this fight now. what is the point of suffering through it all if the struggle is so utterly painfully meaningless.

[mahbonesmccoy]

Valentine's surprise (Severus/reader one shot)

So sorry. I know Valentine's day is over but naaah. Better late than nothing. Here's my one shot of Sevy the bean queen.

--

In February 14, 2012, I forced myself to work during midnight. I am a professor and I sadly have no time for Valentine's day. I dont even have a partner anyway! During that time, I risked my health just so I could finish my unchecked papers. I've been procrastinating for the past few weeks because of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows! I was sort of... Not satisfied. Voldemort's death is rendered differently and it frustrates me but Snape's death made me weep like a babe.

As I finally finished my work in 2 A.M, there's an odd noise coming from my Garden. I suddenly felt strange and scared and so I grabbed a kitchen knife and sneaked out to my garden. To my surprise, I saw a figure laying down on the grassy ground. He was clad in black and... So familiar. I immediately dropped my knife elsewhere and rushes towards the man to help him.

I accidentally touched his neck and I heard a little noise coming out from his mouth. "Sorry." I muttered and I suddenly realised that my hand was stainted with blood! Panicking, I slowly roll the man to lay him down on his back properly for me to check his wounds and.... I went silent. Am I dreaming? What is this?! I slapped myself so hard that it hurts so much and enough to wake me up but I didn't!

After my self-realization, I immediately and carefully guide him inside my house and put him down on the couch. I can't believe it's Alan Rickman in my Garden dressed as Snape! I rushed to my bathroom and took my medical kit to tend his wounds on his neck. Again, with sudden realisation, he was bitten by a snake. His chances might be thin and I'm no doctor. But I also can't risk to let anyone or the public, in general, see him!

I crossed my fingers during the days I took care of him and hopefully he will be fine. He slept well after 3 days of suffering yet he was still pale and sick. 4 days later, I decided to abandon my sleep schedule again so he can rest on my bed and I can do my work all night long. Unfortunately, I was very sleepy and I nearly slept on my desk if Mr. Rickman or Snape didn't appear behind me, pointing his wand at me with a threatening look.

"Who are you. I dont wish to sound ungrateful but I want answers." He said with his usual deep voice. Panicking, I jumped out of my chair and raised both of my hands.

"Im no threat, believe me. You just suddenly appeared at my Garden!"

"... I see. But you haven't answered my question yet."

"(y/n)"

"Interesting... A muggle. Where's my cloak? I need to go back to Hogwarts." He rushed back to my room and then headed towards my garden and before he could even set foot outside, I immediately put myself in front of him and pushed him away gently.

"Nope. You are not going outside. Besides, the war is over and you can't go back! Everyone thinks you're dead."

"...." He went silent and pointed his wand at me again. "How.. Did.. You.. Know.. About... Me being... Dead?"

Oh fuck.

"Look I have so many things to explain and please.. Dont avada Kedavra me. Im telling the truth. You can even use Legilimens on me!"

"And how in Merlin's beard did you know all about this.. When you're a... Muggle?"

"I told you I have lots of things to explain.. Sit down."

And so I told him that night and he was... Utterly silent. He was trying so hard to let everything sink in. I showed him the movies and the books and I can see he was very angry, but then he bottled it all up.

"It make sense." He said.

"Make sense what?"

"I can't see what's inside your head and its completely black."

He stayed in my home for a year. I enjoyed his company and he surprisingly enjoyed mine too. I was blushing secretly every night time, remembering how he looks good on a white shirt and pants. March 15, 2012, we were sitting together on my couch whilst he was reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. Meanwhile, I was reading a textbook about histories of Russia. I still need to study more of it..

Snape dropped the book harshly on the table and he suddenly.... Snapped. His emotions devoured him and he cried in front of me. Quickly, I sat beside him and gave him a tight hug which he gladly took it and sobbed on my shoulder. He repressed many emotions and I couldn't comprehend how much it hurts to be isolated and abused.

"It's okay now.. You're fine." I whispered, caressing his jet black hair with my hand as I held his head gently.

"That damn author. She made my life miserable... " He mumbled.

"Shhh. Despite all of it... Harry Potter appreciates you in the end. All is well."

After his outburst, he doesn't look like stressed anymore. Instead, he looked well and finally at peace. He actually smiled at me everyday whenever I talked about theaters, history and what ever interests me. I even convinced him to let me tie his hair and he surprisngly loved it. He didn't really mind staying all day at my house while I was at work. We read and eat together as well and I suddenly had a mission every day to make him laugh which I did successfully. And during christmas eve, we were enjoying our moment together by singing along with christmas songs!

I could not forget the smile on his face while we sing. Then the music changed into a slow, melancholic tone version of 'Let it snow'

"May I?" He said, offering his hand.

"Thought you hate to dance?"

"Not with you at least." He smiled.

I bit my cheek inside as I took his hand and then we start to dance slowly. Goodness, he's out of character and I'm kinda proud that I'm the reason of his sudden change. Out of height difference, we were embracing eachother instead of doing the proper position of waltz. We just danced together as silence engulfs us.

Little did I know... It would be our last moment.

Next day, 10:00 PM, he was standing in front of me, fidgeting his fingers.

"My neck wounds are reopening itself."

"What?! Since when? I can heal it!"

"No need... Im going to be fine. I'm sick of living but you taught me how to live my life rightly. But now... We must part for I dont belong in this world."

"No.. No no no.. You're staying here.. I dont want you to die." I said, standing so close to him that I can feel his breath.

"I will always die in the end. It's what the book says. I know you hate it so much but you can just... Open the book and read all over again. And I will be with you. Not in front of you.. But here." He said, pointing my heart. "And you have Alan Rickman." He chuckled.

"Oh for god's sake, he doesn't know me." I giggled but I still can't repress my sadness.

"Well at least he will remind you of me."

I'm on the edge and his words are pushing me off. Without hesitation, I wrapped my arms around him and sobbed on his chest. "Please don't go... "

"I have to.. " He whispered weakly, his jaw resting upon my head and his arms protectively wrapped around me.

We sat down together on my couch for the last time while I leaned against his shoulder. I felt like I'm such a sissy for being silent but I still managed to say something to him one last time.

"Leave a souvenir for me.. Will you?" And I, sadly, fell asleep. And the last thing I heared from him is,

"Sleep well.. "

In the morning, I was cuddling a pillow on the couch and I was holding something, tightly and unconciously. Slowly, I sat up and look around. He's definetly not here anymore and it's probably a very long dream of mine. I look at the thing that I was holding and... My heart skipped a beat. So he's real.

His wand.

Fin.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

This COVID

Unfortunately, the nurses and doctors are the ultimate victims and the worst part of the disease is their PTSD.

They, like most military, police, firefighters and EMT, sign up to risk their lives to HELP and SAVE others.

And they can't. This disease isn't intended to but is a by-product or side effect to cause them their own destruction of self, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

We have a website set up for them for their mental health -- it wasn't active.. Tree just activated it for y'all.

I apologize for that. So many people are calling them heroes and trying to lift their spirits and it is hard for them.

Like y'all...

Picture this...

Standing in a mass grave, trying to find a body still alive you can save... Help.. A mass grave... So I'm talking hundreds of dead bodies and then y'all be all parade and smile and have fun.

They're too busy trying to find a way to help. Trying to find that one breath from a body in that mass of bodies piled knee high.

They look up "oh them jets..." Same time that happens more bodies are being thrown down in that mass grave So they waist high...

By then them Jets have left just a cloud of memory

It doesn't help... Then they chest high with dead bodies... And they're getting buried alive trying to find a way to help.

Do you see what I'm saying? Can you feel that?!

Then they like man I gotta get outta here before I die myself, being buried alive....

Then who can help them? Is there someone strong enough to pull them out, to SEE THEM before the bodies are piled over their heads??

Doctors and nurses have committed suicide. Because they can't handle it.

Because what has happened... Is this is like a reverse WWII... Hospitals are now Nazi Concentration Camps. And the nurses and doctors are the Nazi just watching every one die.

(Note this is an EXAMPLE for the mind to grasp understanding -- i am not stating the doctor nor nurse ARE Nazi. I am merely making a reference to WWII and gas chambers and so on so people can get the visual understanding of the power of COVID and the pain of people that are opposed to Nazi. When she said "This is Real" it is where my mind went -- to the Holocaust which i know a lot about. I studied it on my own many times in my life. To understand how one person could take over the world. I did. In high school, my Oklahoma History teacher even took away my books because i would ask way too many questions about killing of Native Americans and i would say "but how--" and she said that i had a problem with focusing on the wrong thing and i said "but its happening in our world today!! Politicians and Governments!!" She took away the stack of books i had checked out on WWII and took them to the library and i followed her like pulling her jacket and shirt to stop her. She told the librarian I wasn't allowed to check out anymore books like that because I was a teenager and had unhealthy worries in the world. I burst into tears. "Obviously i have to save the world Because of people like you who won't take it seriously!! You're a Hitler yourself!! And you! I'll talk to you tomorrow!!" I spat to the teacher then librarian. And took off to my last class of the day. The Librarian know who i was and how i had spent hours in the library everyday during lunch and had told her how i said i wanted to compare WWII to the way Native American were treated in Oklahoma. And she printed a list of all the different kinds of books i checked out. Including kindergarten picture books for my own enjoyment. And the teacher apologized. She asked if i wanted to apologize to her for calling her Hitler. I said "not yet" eventually I did. In front of the entire class with an entire one and one eighth of a page of written materials comparing and contrasting her to Hitler and people we read about. I said "in conclusion, she may been an Army woman helping people make long disateraous of what they call walks. Of what i call pilgrimages, across many of what we now know are states, but not to be in charge but to be a comforting vessel during maritime war. A war that was unnecessary on water as it was on land and that is my meaning of using water words instead of land Because indeed i think she is a person we can trust but she may also be one of those people to set off a cannon to a far away ship until she finds out the truth of who is in it. But she certainly isn't a Hitler or someone that would order Native Americans to do the undeeded... She would be one of those to walk aside all Native Americans, help pass out blankets and medication. And so as she has apologized to me for firing up that cannon while I was away at sea to do ky research of course, i shall apologize to her for being upset she did and calling her the worst name possible. Which wasn't bitch. Nor ass hole." 10th grade, y'all.)

It is the worst possible place for a nurse or Doctor that signed up to be a comfort and to SAVE lives to be. The worst possible place.

And i can't help them... There is on the now activated website -- there is a place where they can request military services to come in and relief our nurses and others on the front lines, including police.

You just merely request how many and of what capabilities you need. So if you need just CNA (our hugest amount) or RN or PA or DR or so on and so forth.

They have their own pay scale thus allowing the people being substituted for to receive a special type of paid leave. The military can stay in one place at one time up to 9 weeks.

So also a rotation of 9 weeks on. 9 weeks off.

I apologize i thought it was already set up and available for all. But apparently things wanted to be done differently to try it and see how it works.

Now first is HOSPITALS. Basically if your name has the word Hospital in it. Then you're available. BUT you must have an EMERGENCY ROOM (ER) to qualify.

Now systems... Like Lovelace in Albuquerque has like 4 or 5 ER departments. So they go to the MAIN hospital first Then two weeks after rotate in at say the Heart Hospital then after two weeks the Woman's Hospital then a smaller so on and so forth.

Presbyterian, would begin at MAIN then go to Kirkland then so on and so forth.

This way if someone doesn't want to be treated by military. They have options of seeing regular doctors at the main stem branches.

Also it doesn't have to be a 100% but it can be a 25% so 25% of people take off for 9 weeks. Then another 25% take off for 9 weeks. And so on... So you'd have use of the military for 36 weeks.

It is a charity service.

I recommend that y'all cut hours. So a 40 hour nurse goes go 20 hours -- but stays at full time pay and benefits.

As part of our program, the healthcare and other workers MUST remain fully paid while taking time off. Otherwise we cannot assist.

It is for their hearts, their souls and their tears that we supply such a charity. Thus we cannot create more tears, more heartache nor more stress for these people.

So when making plans, hospital executives, please do keep that in mind.

Also for hospitals that refuse to relieve their workers, we have a system set up so that a nurse/doctor/etc can find a suitable replacement of higher quality according to paper. Similar but more advanced to the system that is used to place substitute teachers to teach hundreds school children per one jr high or high school day. And if the hospital rejects the substitute, then we have a system set up to sue the hospital on behalf of the staff. This system is only provided when a main hotspot refuses help.

Such as NYC. However NY has accepted thousands of National Guard already and Idk what exactly is occurring there but we have many side hospitals set up there.

So this is Never Before Seen shit since the Native American's Massacres (that's why i kept getting in trouble in Oklahoma History... The word Massacre.. Dude... I wasn't gonna pretend it didn't happen, Land O´ Lakes, where's our Indian Lady? The farmers didn't kill her, you did. -.-) and definitely not seen while we had this great amount of technology available to all.

So never before seen shit is gonna occur. I'm like yeah this is what will work professionally. And if they can't come up with something better and reject me, then I'll sue and ill win because they don't care and we got documented workers all over social media crying their eyes out.

She is the first African American I've posted but I've posted at least 4. Crying nurses. And i skip over a lot. I keep scrolling past a lot. I scroll past more than Y'all know that i Don't mention.

But her... She made me want to cry just like all the others. And Just like the others, i had dry eyes. Because we worked and worked and worked till we were all bawling our eyes out, taking heart medicine, whether like mine or just for heart burn. Even the little kids. I can't cry anymore. We made the solution for what and when the emergency pandemic would occur.

Hospitals have lost people due to suicide.

It is now time for me to step in. Or we will not have a doctor or nurse that is both alive and recognizable, they will be destroyed -- inside out -- starting with their hearts of mind.

I have had PTSD due to death of a stranger. I was only 18. And i hated myself for over 10 years.

So im gonna break out one day and call you all stupid for attempting to heal evil.

Because that was what I needed. And no one ever told me. And i got back lash. And i know that every single nurse and doctor that was working as hard as they could -- they needed to vent and hate. And i could be that person.

I smiled. I checked in. "Do they still hate me?" Yes "Good"

I know it helps a heart be healthy to have a place to throw hate. And i knew i would be safe from harm. While hate was thrown at me.

Then i took away me as that object of hate. And still healthcare workers are suffering and they're killing themselves. (They'll get to heaven if they deserve. A nice little break for them. Then they will come back when our other dead does. If they are deserving, if Earth is where they Belong. Otherwise they went directly where they Belong for Eternity)

So a quick fix band aid isn't it. It is as far as we predicted - a reverse WWII.

the sick going in... And causing innocent pain.

Instead of the innocent going in and dying by the professional purposely killing them.

This is the complete opposite.

Jack told me "quit hating on these nurses and doctors!"

Because i would scroll past and say "these fucking nurses. Dam it"

I'm not hating them. I'm hating their situation. I'm hating their inability to cope. Their inability to cope is because their inability to cope is due to their deep humanity... It is a character flaw. It is a curse and a blessing. It is the deepest and most difficult of work to breech that muddy waters, dig deep and find a bridge to drag up and build, there is one there in their souls.. But it is buried deep under much chocolate and flowers and all things good...

Unfortunately while being buried under dead bodies its nearly impossible to fix that bridge. Find that way to overcome the desperation, the HORROR their job has become

Even taking a break can sometimes not help... Sometimes it doesn't. But we include self care and encouraging messages from our military teams that substitute while the people take their time off.

Military are far more apt to be able to deal with dead. Military teams sign up knowing they must kill at certain times. They have a different view of death. They accept it and understand it.

A nurse or Doctor they fight it, that is their job. That is their souls and every hope they have in the world is to save lives.

Military, their job, is to make the world better.

Right now, military is just a better fit.

It's different types of brains. It is just different.

And I am sorry. And unfortunately I do know. I have killed a lot of people by hand, kidnappers caught in the act. I killed Pablo Escobar. Then I got amnesia. And I loaned my friend $500 to bail her boyfriend out of jail. It ended up in a suicide of someone he ratted on. I never got over that. It took a very long time. He was a criminal, yes. But I just never got over that loss of life. If I had never bailed him out... That one guy would still be alive.

So I am very sensitive and very understanding of these healthcare crying and not handling their jobs and killing themselves.

I fully understand it. So yes I will sue on behalf of staff that cannot get relief. I will fight and punch until those hospital executives come up black and blue saying "ok im sorry im sorry we can have substitutes and pay full prices for our staff to stay home and rest"

I may have forgot myself... Prior to age 15... But I remember since then. I know how I have suffered and why.

So I am extremely complex to know and understand.

It doesn't matter if you understand or trust me.

You must care and take a leap of FAITH and not one of suicidal consequences, hospital executives.

Because I understand being buried under dead bodies that I feel responsible for. Hating myself. For something that was never my fault and something I did to be nice. Naïve. I fully understand.

And its revolting, now looking back all I put myself through.

And I swore one day... I swore and I swore. I promised myself. One day im gonna use this all for good. That I can forgive myself.

I already did. I realized I'm not the one that needed to be forgiven. And I'm okay. I'm doing great.

But I remember and I will never forget those sleepless nights... The intense fear I had of myself and of doing anything for any reason. I was terrified. What if I go to the store and I effect someone?

What if I get in a car wreck and hurt some one?

I was terrified. Had I not healed thanks to JJFU. Some one I knew and trusted making guns and I said to him everyday for weeks "how can you make guns knowing someone could be hurt? Don't you think you will feel responsible if someone wrote to you and said a kid was killed with one of your guns? An innocent child playing by accident?"

He said "let me get back to you"

And one day he simply said "i can't control what other people do. If they don't lock up their guns or weapons and ammunition seperate. I can't control what a kid does. I hope no one ever gets hurt wrongly and unjustifiable with a gun i produce and make by hand. But, Sabrina, i can not control what other people do. And it isn't my fault what happens after the guns leave my hands and enter another's"

And this air i had been holding in since I was 18 years old just went out of my chest. And i started crying. And crying and i cried for days.

And he said "why are you keep crying? Who are you crying for?"

And I said "i am crying for ME"

"But why?! What did you do to someone so bad?!"

"Cause I hated myself for something I couldn't control.I hated ME. I refused to Love Me. I refused to Trust ME. And now I can cry for me because of what I Lost because I was an ignorant fool, to care too much beyond my control."

3 years later my friend was murdered. I could had prevented that, too. But I didn't get PTSD. Instead i chose to love him and be proud of him. And love us both for doing what was best for us.

I have both the obituary of David Galloway and Justin hanging in my kitchen. One gave me PTSD. One could have. I look at them both. And I say "I love me. But I can love you two and you can love me because I never wanted either one of you to be hurt"

Or I'll walk by "I can imagine you two are fine where you are today. Sorry I'm busy. But I hope you're happy and okay"

One is Zulululu and one is Human. The Zulululu, I got PTSD. He was a selfish drug addict that killed himself leaving behind two kids and a wife just because he didn't want to go to jail. The other was murdered and the last time I saw him, he asked to live with me. The latter should caused my PTSD. HE DESERVED MY PTSD.

But I didn't.

So military is better equipped to handle what is occurring in hospitals. Nurses do need time off even if the military does just set up new temporary hospital

Healthcare workers NEED treatment for what they have seen and gone through.

And I will fight for every single one to get the help they deserve and the time off they need.

Because I know they deserve it. I know they need It. I know how dangerous it is to overlook a simple day in the life of what they have had in the last few weeks.

Throwing them parties. Its kind, and it's sweet.

But it doesn't help anything, it doesn't help anything when the anguish and the PTSD has already set in. Sometimes it makes it worse..

So yeah I get pissed off they're not being helped and it comes out wrong.

So now its time to do it right.

This nurse asks y'all to stay home.

So y'all tell her you will if you will, tell her you can't because you got to go to work and you tell her where (like Gas Station, not the whole address) and y'all be responsible for you and your actions..

We can't control the world. But we can work together to make it better.... Right...?

I think so.

Or we're all gonna die trying.