#and im not even skinnier i just wore skinny jeans for the first time in forever

[cyanide-sodapop]

here’s a little rant nobody asked for.

im tired.

for the first time probably ever i didn’t feel comfortable in my body. i was choosing an pitfit and i didn’t like anything i wore. it shows this. it highlights that. that little pouch on my stomach i’ve had since forever. it’s not even big. but it feels different. all my friends are so skinny. they’re so pretty too. is this normal? i’m not as skinny as them. not in those places. i have a different body shape. my thighs are thick, butt is thick, but anywhere other than that is just. thin. and it looks like shit. i FEEL shitty. i’m tired. maybe it’s the clothes? i never liked those jeans. this shirt is too baggy, i can’t tuck it in. it’ll look weird in the pants. but i can’t leave it out. i front tuck it. it looks weird. i hate it. my other clothes, my better clothes, they’re in the fucking laundry. do my “friends” think i’m not skinny? do they even think im pretty? do they like my hair? my clothes? probably not. they’re probably just lying to my face about it because their moms would throw a fit if they found out their good little girls were badmouthing someone. hell, even if they did say something. they wouldn’t believe it. their child could never do that. am k too tall in these shoes? i shouldn’t wear them. i wish i looked different. the hair on my upper lip. i hate it. on my arms. my legs. there’s too much. yet i can’t be bothered to shave. i don’t have much time left to get dressed. i put on whatever the fuck was available. i hate the way i look in it. i’m tired. my head hurts. i still have the drive to piano lessons. i don’t wanna go there either. i feel sick. maybe if i stopped eating so much fucking junk, i’d feel better. i’d be skinnier too.

[kimjiwoong]

i don't know why ppl feel the need to talk about other ppl's bodies like pls stop complimenting girls for looking skinnier it's sooooo bad

[xserpentlife]

Mirror

Requested: Hey so I wanted to ask if like you could do a sweet Pea x reader that can help with the readers hardcore body issues because even though I’m a skinny girl I have the absolute worst body issues to the point of where I claw at myself in the mirror and some feel-good stuff for others who have my problem would be really nice cause there’s not a lot of love for the insecure twigs in the itty bitty titty comity.

A/N: I wouldn't say I am the best person to write this. I myself and plus size and deal with those insecurities. I tried writing it how I would write a plus size insecurity fic but instead switched the insecurities if that makes sense. I hope this is what you wanted and I hope it helps you. Remember anon you are beautiful in your own skin whether you believe it or not. I know it is hard, but you judge yourself so much harsher than others do.

Warnings: self-deprecation, insecurities

Word Count: 2147

You hated it, you had no curves, you had noodle arms, you had no breasts either and your body was always compared to a twig. You could never find clothes that fit, always too big on you in even the smallest section. It is not like it was your fault, it was just the way you were built, it was your genetics and there was nothing you could do, and god you tried. Tried so many times to conform to the standard of beauty, but in society ,you're either too big or too small. You grew up with this idea of needing curves, wanting so hard to fit in and be beautiful with hips and large breasts, but for you, it just wasn’t in the cards.

You wanted to be the first that could wear high waisted jeans with a crop top, but instead, you opted for oversized t-shirts, it made you comfortable to be hidden. But you never really wanted to hide yourself, at least deep down.

Pea was your best friend, for years he had known you, and grown up with you. You went to Riverdale though, and he to Southside, however, this year was the first time you would actually be in school with him because the Southside was transferring to Riverdale High, you were essatic. Finally, someone who knew you for you, not just as the skinny girl. But you always hid from him, hide your body, you never once swam with him during the summer and if you did you always wore those cover ups that hid everything. You could say you were closer friends but you never let it get further than a kiss here and there, always too afraid to let your body show at all.

He was coming to pick you up in the morning taking you to school, because you were now going to the same place, it had become a tradition for him to now pick you up every morning. Usually, you lock your door but you forgot to this morning. You were in a bra and panty set when you heard your door open, you turned expecting your mother but instead saw Sweet Pea’s eyes staring back at you.

“Fuck oh my god Y/N I’m sorry I called up but you didn’t answer I wanted to make sure you weren’t still asleep and your door was open and fuck I’m sorry uhm I’ll be downstairs”

“...”

You didn’t know what to do your body was frozen in the spot it had been since you saw him. He was so quick to leave. Your mind filled with the thoughts you had been plagued with for years. He saw you practically naked. He saw your collarbones, saw how skinny you looked, saw that you had no curves, or boobs. He saw everything and he left. You turned looking at the mirror dropping the dress that was in your hand, a dress you were so confident to wear because Pea had always smiled when he saw you in it now putting fear through you. You body staring back at you, looking so far from the idea that you began clawing at your skin. Scratching your arms crying wishing that you could change it but you couldn’t it was all that you wanted you just wanted to feel pretty, pretty for once in your life. To gain the curves, that you craved.

Pea knew that he never should have walked into your room like that, however, since you were not answering when he was calling your name from downstairs he figured that you were asleep. It wasn’t the first time that happened, he has had to wake you up so many times, so it wasn’t like it was out of normal, however, what he definitely did not expect was that you were one, not asleep and two, only in panties and a bra. He never expected to catch you like that, and it wasn’t like he did it on purpose. He just wasn’t that guy, and god did he like you. He has been in love with you for so , so long, but he always respected you and your boundaries never pushing forward until you did always afraid he would push too much. But seeing you like that shocked him, he on one hand felt bad that he invaded your privacy but on the other hang he thought you were so fucking beautiful.

Pea sat downstairs waiting for you to come down, figuring that you would have slipped your clothes on and came down instantly but you didn’t. He got worried when he heard glass shatter, and he ran upstairs instantly. And since past events, he would have knocked but his heart and mind were telling him you were in danger so he barged in once again.

“Y/N...” he barged in seeing you on the ground mirror shattered, a hairbrush laying on the floor, you clawing at your arms, sobbing. You didn’t even acknowledge him, you couldn’t, so in your head that you didn’t even think about that fact that he was there in front of you. “Y/N look at me!” he said it louder but even then you didn’t move. He didn’t want to hurt you, didn’t want to invade your privacy by touching you but he had seen your anxiety. Dealt with it maybe even more than you did, seeing as he’s the one that kind of helped you realize that you had it. He knew he had to touch you, you needed contact to get out of your head, when you were this deep in, words never worked. But you were lying there curled up, somewhat naked, seeing as you only had a bra and panties on. Would it be bad if he touched you? He wanted to help. He was having an inner turmoil with his mind but he needed you to be okay, and he knew it was the only way. So he did, he reached out his hand to your arm “Y/N hey… I’m right here, c'mon look at me princess”. But it still didn’t work. “I need you to let me in” you were still clawing at your skin, tears pouring down your face, not even paying attention to his presence like you usually do. He began coaxing you out, whispering rubbing your arms, eventually using a little force to pry your arms away from each other, so you could stop scratching. You eventually looked up at him, realizing he was there, kneeling next to you, looking at you like this.

“Pea…? Get out! Stop looking at me! I’m disgusting, get out, get  out, get out!!”

“What are you talking about! You’re beautiful, I’m not leaving you like this” Pea grabbed a blanket off your bed once you stopped a bit, he draped it over your body and leaned you towards him. “What’s going on? You gotta let me in what happened to you and what happened to the mirror”

“I broke it! I couldn’t look anymore! And stop looking at me…I’m not what you want to see, I’m not like other girls, I’m disgusting Pea”

“What are you talking about?”

“You saw my body! For the first time, you saw the way I looked I’m not…”

“Stop it! You are fucking gorgeousY/N you are so fucking beuaiful”

“I’m not Pea, I’m skinny, and, and I have no hips or boobs or anything, I just… I’m not…”

“Y/N you are!” He began to stroke your hair gently, knowing it always calmed you a bit. “You are so much more than enough Y/N. You are beautiful inside and out. You may be skinnier than a lot of girls yeah, but that is who you are, you can’t control that like I can’t control being big foot” You chuckled slightly. “Princess I… shit sorry, I hate, you know me and emotions. I love you Y/N so, so much. I love you for you, I've loved you since we were little, I loved you for your smile, your laugh the way you can always make me calm down by just a touch of your presence. I love how you scrunch your nose when you laugh or how your lips go tight when your mad, and I love your body too. And yeah I know you hide it and that is okay, but I need you to know that your body doesn't define you, you are gorgeous. You are hot and sexy and everything in between don’t youe ver think that a number ona  scale or how your clothes fit defines who you are becuase fuck princess you are so, so, so much more” His thumb made it’s way to your chin as he leaned down pressing his lips to yours.

“I want to believe you, I do Pea, but I can’t it’s so fucking hard. I’ve never felt like a beautiful girl. I don’t have curves…don’t have a womanly body. I know you say I’m pretty I know you smile when I wear certain things, and that makes me so happy but I just don’t feel it. I know it isn’t that important but sometimes… it’s nice to feel beautiful or even…I don’t know…seductive?”

“But baby you are, so many times you’ve made me… Oh god, this is terrible to say, but there have been so many times that you've uh made me… hard and I've had to walk out of the room because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. You are sexy, and seductive and beautiful. Let me make you feel like that”

“I don’t know if I can Pea…”

“Only if you want to try we can, I love you and your body Y/N”

“I wanna try…” He started slowly kissing your lips softly, making your mind melt into him. You then felt his lips disconnect but felt them gently press against your neck,  slowly sucking into your skin. His arm moving up to your breast as he gently squeezed his other hand unclipping a bra. You broke away gasping for a breath before covering your body. “Stop…”

“Like I said we stop whenever you want”

“I don’t know if I can do this”

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to but you gotta let me in that pretty little head of yours princess. I can’t help if I don’t know what you’re thinking”

You looked down playing covering your breasts with your arms. “I just… everyone one else… all these girls at school have these big breasts, and big asses and im here with nothing. My breasts are big enough for an a cup bra if that, I barely even need to wear a bra, it's like nothing's there. I don’t look like a typical girl and it…”

“Stop baby… your boobs so what if they are small, that is how you were made, tehy are fucking beautidul I hink you are so sexy, and yeah other girls may have big moodbs but you having small onces doesn;t make you any les feminine then they are”

“But I don’t get it bigger boobs are so much better, so much prettier”

“Baby I find you pretty cause I like you for you, big boobs or small it wouldn’t matter to me, would it make you mad if I had a big dick or a small dick… wait maybe don’t answer that...”  chuckle came out of you once again.

“No, I wouldn’t care…”

“Well that's good phew that could’ve went soooo wrong” You laughed again your hands coming up to your mouth to stifle the laugh ultimately leading to your breasts being on show. Pea looked down slowly cupping them in his hands as he pressed his lips to the supple skin. He slowly began sucking his tongue taking a moment to lick around your nipple as your head fell back and you moaned into the air.

“Beautiful Princess, my sexy girl”

You both went on like this for awhile, there were many times you had to stop, many times he made you tell him how you were feeling but he made you so comfortable, made you feel wanted and needed. You were still so scared, but with Pea, he made everything ok. Made you forget the thoughts that ran through your head, and no it wasn’t an automatic fix, Pea could not fix all the trauma you felt from years of hating who you were but it made it easier to talk to him about how you were feeling, he made it easier for you to feel pretty when he was showing you how you were, making you feel like the perfect girl even though you knew you were far from it. He made you feel so much better in your own skin, he made you feel like you.

[dxnbrxco]

a teenage abuse survivor.

// trigger warning, abusive relationship, anxiety, depression, self harm and suicide //

i was fourteen when i fell for you. i was nineteen when i broke free. 

i saved myself from a very mentally and physically abusive relationship. that shit scars you in ways you didnt think it could. it has permanently ingrained into my mind; the ways i dress, the way i would put things away, the way i would text people; it’s ridiculous. it completely shifted my view of love. 

im scared that im always in the wrong. im scared if i fuck up, i’ll get punished with abuse. im worried when my friends are quiet, they’re giving me the silence treatment and wont talk to me. im terrified someone  will lay a hand on me for uttering words. 

 there were times where we’d watch tv and id ask for the remote and he’d literally launch the remote at me, scream at me and walk out.it left bruises. there were times we’d have arguments raging on at your house, it would upset your dog and id be terrified your neighbours would call the police. it would have been so trivial (where’s this? what did you do with that?). you’d push me into the door or the stairs and i’d run upstairs with you screaming after me, trying to pull my leg before i’d lock myself in the bathroom with you banging on it, almost breaking it down. the silence of bathrooms still gives me goosebumps. 

you knew i had body issues. you’d compare me to other people and say they were prettier and skinnier, and had nicer hair or had cool tattoos. you’d make comments about what i ate. so i stopped eating for a while. and you would still make comments. i still look at food and am terrified of it. sometimes, food is taunting me and it’s your grating voice laughing at me calling me a fat fuck.

it’s the nights where 2am would be no stranger to the arguments we’d have. the angry phonecalls, the tears spilled, the blades used to release the pent up anger and frustration, the eventual rekindle (maybe this time we could make it work). through blotchy tear stained eyes and voices cracking and bleeding wrists, someone would still say “i love you” because this was all we knew. you caused me panic attacks and i called it love.

i dreaded the conversation with my mother who’d ask me what we were arguing about and i’d always reply meekly “it was nothing. he was just stressed at work” as i felt my heart breaking. 

every hand hold, every kiss and every word was laced with malicious intent and you deceived everyone. you may not have been good at a lot of things but you was a brilliant manipulator. you let everyone think you had this “perfect” relationship, a good job and a supportive family. you had none of those. you got fired for poor productivity not long after you cheated on me. 

oh yes. the cheating. you’d constantly tell me how your friend j was so much better than me and then you actually had a fucking tinder behind my back. and proceeding to lie about where you was and then go on dates. and then fess up to it and say you was required to keep going on dates to keep me around (or you’d expose me? like i had anything to hide). me being a scared 19 year old, kept going with it, making my mental state even worse., you’d tell me how wonderful these girls were and how insignificant i was. but i was too scared to leave you because of the threats you gave me. 

you destroyed me in september 2018. you simply dumped me in a text that wasn’t even 2 lines long, saying you’d been at a girls house until 3am. you then proceeded to attend the same gig as me to upset me. you’d text me constantly to check in on me and that you was “sorry” and that it was a mistake. you are scum. 

that gig. that fucking gig. i was meant to be seeing one of my favourite singers. 

the night before, i’d got myself stupidly drunk at a co-workers to the point i’d passed out and been sick having the worst panic attack of my life. they were washing me in the bath, covered in sick stripped down to my underwear where they could see my fresh cuts. i was sobbing to the point it felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest and my body was weak. 

the actual gig was terrifying. i saw you look at me all night, your eyes practically glued to me as your new “girlfriend” watched oblivious to what was going on. you texted me as the gig ended. my friend went on her train so i was alone. 

waterloo underground station september 23rd 2018. it’s terrifying how much of a traumatizing memory is remembered. i’d given up. i was hungover, suicidal and depressed. i was weak. i wore my favourite yellow hoodie, skinny jeans, my doc martens and a halsey shirt. my eyeliner ruined, my eyes puffy. i didn’t want to go home. the platform was littered with people giggling and having a better fucking time than i was. i nearly gave up. i was done. i was fed up of the abuse. it felt like the world was better without me. the tight feeling of a panic attack swelled up in my chest and i felt my legs grow weak. a woosh of the tube went by as i stood there sobbing my eyes out, feet way too close to the platform. someone had to escort me to north greenwich to make sure I got home safe. the kindness of that stranger will forever stay with me. 

autumn will always be tough. october 10th marked 4 years since my first attempt at fifteen. october also marked the start of second year university. our first project was a group magazine that talked about serious topics. i chose my first suicide attempt and you. the amount of anger I poured into those pages was ridiculous. 

having an outlet was healthy. i signed up for therapy. im learning to deal with the panic attacks and depression. 

its currently march 2019. im healthier. im happier. im free. im in a healthy, loving relationship and learning to take care of myself. 

this is me age fourteen/fifteen.  i didn’t think i’d make it to eighteen because of how depressed and anxious i was because of the abuse i let boil inside of me. 

this is me age twenty. i got through it. (five years later and i still pose with hands behind my head lol). 

abuse is never something anyone should stand for. get out. stay safe. reach out. don't suffer in silence. i deserved better. 

[phoenix-stfu-blog]

I Promise, You're Safe Here

Title? I Promise, you’re safe here. Chaptered? It might be ;) Word Count? 1393 Gendered? Yes, Female. X Reader? Yep danny x reader Warnings? anorexia, depression, self harm. PLEASE, if you are struggling, text ‘home’ to 741741. It is a crisis help line. ❤ The obnoxiously loud alarm on your phone blared in my ear, the alarm you had set for 9am. You groggily rolled out of bed, slipped on some dark, navy, ripped up skinny jeans that surprisingly still fit. See, you hate your body figure. No one knows this, except for your best friend, Arin. You’ve been friends for a long time, since you were about 7.

Currently you’re 32, and Arin is 30. It’s odd you’ve stuck by each other for this long. You put on your (f/c) hoodie, then walked out of your bedroom. You decided to call Arin, he told you that you could see where all the 'Grump magic happened’. He said he’d also introduce me to his wife, Suzy, his friend Danny, and some others like Ross and Barry. You grabbed the phone, and clicked his contact.

“Hey asshole, when are you picking me up to go to the Grump Sp-” You suddenly got cut off when Arin decided to burst through my front door. “Does that answer your question?” You let out a small chuckle, you were actually always impressed at how easily he could make you laugh. You two had practically the same humor. Dick humor.

“You always did know how to make me laugh, didn’t you Arin?” He smiled at your comment, but then he plopped himself on your grey couch. “I thought you were taking me to Grump Space?” He groaned, and just threw his keys on your coffee table. He sat up, and looked you directly in the eyes. His eyes were basically burning into you. That got deep.

“(y/n) i want to talk about something. It’s your wellbeing really-” You stopped him there. “Arin i really don’t want to talk about it. We’ve talked about it already, i’m okay! i promise.” You hadn’t looked at him the whole time, because you could never look him in the eyes while lying. He knew exactly when you were lying, and he could definitely tell now.

“Please don’t lie to me, i just want to make sure you’re actually okay. I won’t hurt you. You know i won’t.” He was right. You used to be abused by your father when you came out as bisexual. Because of that, you were always afraid someone would harm you. This caused you to self harm, some of the scars are still there on your thighs are wrists, hence why you always wear hoodies and pants. Sure, the pants had rips in them, but it was never too visible, so you wore them anyway. Arin used to always check your wrists, but he doesn’t anymore, surprisingly. Maybe it’s because you finally got your 'happy medicine,’ as people would call it. Recently, you stopped taking them.

“(y/n)? are you okay? You kinda spaced out there. Also just know, that no one at game grumps is going to judge you or hurt you in any possible way. I’ve known these guys for a long while now, just like you. First, did you take your meds?” You huffed at that last sentence. “Yes, i took my medicine. Can we go now?” Arin picked up his keys, then you two trudged out the door and into his car. Arin glanced over to you on occasion, but you were just staring into your phone.

“Did you eat breakfast yet? Or are you hungry?” You slowly look to Arin, knowing you haven’t eaten anything in a while. The only thing he doesn’t know about you is that you’re anorexic. He has no clue you haven’t eaten in days. “Uh, no i had some toast earlier. I’ll be good.” You bluntly stated. Arin just shrugged and said they’d order pizza later anyway. Suddenly, we stopped and pulled up to a building. “Our destination awaits.” Arin took his keys, and bursted open the door like it was his home. I mean, it basically was.

“WE’RE HERE!” Arin beamed, pretty sure Britain knows we’re in the Grump space. Danny basically leapt down the stairs, and started shouting. As usual. You started shaking, you hated when people yelled. You felt a panic attack coming on, nothing new. But there was something new, not being able to see anything. There were dark and hazy colors in the corners of your eyes, tears pricking your (e/c) eyes. “A-Arin.. st.. op.” You tried to state, but no use. He couldn’t hear you. Your breathing hitched, taking rapid, short breaths. Danny looked over, his face shifting from excitement to immediate concern.

“Holy shit. Arin? What the hell is wrong with her?” Danny scoffed at Arin. “Fuck dude! She told me she took her meds!” You started to black out, feeling claustrophobic. “Don’t t-touch me!” You screamed out, that being the only thing you could say. Arin and Danny simultaneously backed up from you, giving you some more space. Arin knew what to do, so he held up his hand and signaled 5 fingers. You knew what he was doing, so you tried to take a deep breath in, then release it.

Arin continued this for a couple of minutes, then walked you over to a couch. “It’s okay, we’re here. No ones going to hurt you. Are you okay now (y/n)?” Arin asked. Danny was sat next by you, saying sweet and encouraging words to you. “T-thank you. Just maybe n-next time don’t yell when i g-get here.” Arin and Dan felt really guilty for triggering a panic attack.

About an hour later, it was just you and Danny. Arin, Suzy, Holly, Ross, and Barry all went to go shopping. No clue why, but they did. Danny offered to stay behind with you, just in case something happened. Before the group left, Arin taught Danny what to do incase you had another attack. You and Danny were left on the couch, watching whatever was on. “So, (y/n),” he fiddled with your (h/c) hair, and your head was cuddled up against his chest. You found him very warm and safe.

Your legs were tucked under your thighs, and Danny’s legs were hanging off the couch. “What do you like to do in spare time?” Danny questioned. “I just like to watch you guys’ videos. Me and Arin have the same humor. As it turns out, me and you have a ton in common too. I happen to sing sometimes, and i have uncontrollable hair.” He chuckled, and fluffed your hair up. “I can confirm.” Danny laughed. His giggle was the cutest thing you’d heard in a while. Oh god, did you have a crush on Danny? Probably.

“You want something to eat, fluff?” He gave you the nickname fluff after he messed with your hair earlier on the couch. “No, i’m- uhm.. not hungry.” You lied. You’ve been hungry for days. But you needed to be skinnier, or else no one would like you. Truth is, under the jacket you’re skin and bones. You didn’t see that though.

Danny hadn’t seen you eat all day. “You sure? You haven’t eaten all day. And you’re getting really red- you must be sweating. Why don’t you take your jacket off?” Your head started pounding. “It’s fine Danny, really.” You couldn’t even roll up your sleeves. You had scars lined up and down your arms. “If you say so. At least eat something. please? you look hungry.” Danny insisted. You finally cracked, but you didn’t eat. You showed him your stomach.

“Danny, look at me,” You stood from your position on the couch, and lifted up your hoodie and t-shirt. “Im a freak. I know. Shame me now-” Before you could say anything more, he walked over to you and gave you a bear hug. “Why do you do this to yourself?” He wondered. “Because, i’m too fat, i don’t like my body. As long as i’m alive, i’ll be fine right?.. right?” Danny didn’t say a word, he was still hugging you, his head over your shoulder. “You’re beautiful, (y/n). Please do not let anyone tell you different. I promise, you’re safe here.”