#and im just. barely more than sleepwalking through my days right now

[lichbutch]

counting down the hours till i can go home and get stoned as fuck and pretend i dont exist for a bit

[shiroe-is-my-baby]

Violet Howl: The Origin

Summary: A young girl, scared of what she is becoming and unsure of how to control it. She can only learn from her experiences and work harder than she ever imagined to control the beast within her.

W: self-insert (eventual x canon), angst

((Note: some really heavy stuff gets mentioned here. this is my inserts origin story, well the beginning of it, there’s going to be multiple parts to this. im really excited for this, and I really hope that you guys enjoy it! a little warning some of these chapters will be really angsty, given that she has a pretty angsty beginning, as you can imagine.))

Next Part

For months something had been changing in me. It started out slow that I almost didn’t notice it. The changes in the way that I reacted to things and the soft uncomfortable pulsing of my veins. The shift in my insides that slowly started to creep from the inside out. Every full moon something would occur deep within me. Those were the nights that I felt the most whole. Like everything seemed to make sense. And slowly, everything began to spiral.

My ears became more sensitive, and my taste became more primal. My jaw began to ache after every meal and every so often my gums felt like they were pulsating. There was a difference in the way that I walked and talked and did everything in my daily life. Even my mom started to realize something wasn’t right. Something was different about me.

It didn’t make any sense. Even more so when the sleepwalking began.

It never used to be a problem for me before. Only one time in my life, when I was a child, I had sleepwalked. Usually, it’s caused by stress or some other external reason behind it. Even then, it had only happened once. This was an occurrence that continued to happen for an entire month. And I wouldn’t just sleepwalk around the house. Sometimes I’d wake up and I wouldn’t even be in the house anymore. I’d be miles away from home, covered in dirt and passed out on the ground.

The final time that I woke up in the woods, with nothing on my back and covered in what looked like blood, I was terrified. Scared of what could of happened while I was sleepwalking and wondering what exactly was going on. I was afraid to tell my mom. Luckily, up until this point, she had no idea what was going on. I was always able to get home before she realized that I was even gone.

With her busy schedule, being a single mom and working her hardest to provide for me and my sister, it was almost impossible for her to beat me home. I was afraid that if she knew, then that would make things worse. I had to find out what it was before I started to worry her. She had too much going on right now for me to throw this on her.

I thought that I could handle it on my own like I had everything else in my life. Pushing the burden onto my already struggling mother just didn’t seem like the best plan. So I kept it to myself and continued to hide my troubles. Using my sister to sneak out at late hours to test many theories, reading multiple books on sleepwalking and strange occurrences of the mind.

The only thing that I could gather from all that happened was that something strange was going on while I was under. I didn’t remember anything that occurred. And it only happened on every full moon.

From then on, I tried to keep myself awake for as long as I could. Tried every trick that I could to keep my body energized and awake. Hoping that this would stop me from going through it, or that I could somehow stop it. None of that seemed to work, and it only made me fail in my studies and fall asleep in the middle of class.

Then, I set up a camera in my room in the hopes of understanding just what was going on with me.

That was the moment that I finally seen the truth.

The next morning I raced to turn on my computer and reviewing the footage from the previous night. Again I had woken up in the park, passed out underneath a park bench. At this point, all I wanted was answers. I was getting tired and moody and I just wanted to understand. That way, if it wasn’t something too serious, I could finally tell my mom.

But as I watched the footage back, my eyes began to widen and my heart raced in my chest. The things that I witnessed before me… were unspeakable. They were almost impossible. And yet I was watching it happen right in front of me. It was hard for me to deny it, when I was watching my body change right in front of me. From human to large being in a matter of seconds. I hadn’t seen it happen, since by the time I had jumped out the window I was fully changed. But I got to see all that I needed to.

This was more than I would ever hope to understand. This was something straight out of a comic book, and yet it was my reality. I was frantic in figuring out what was the best thing for me to do. Even if I came clean to my mom, she would want to know more. She would want to turn me in, and I wasn’t ready for that.

But my secret was too big for me to keep. Before too long, it would be bigger than myself alone. I had no way of understanding the full extent of my power. I was a naive teenager. Scared and alone. Every night I’d be afraid of falling asleep, because I never knew what would happen. I was afraid of my emotions getting too erratic.

Slowly, I felt my body changing more through my emotions. I became more impulsive and angry at times. It was hard to control, and I lashed out at the ones that I loved more than I ever would. The one person that I always promised to protect and comfort and watch over would become a victim.

One night, my mother had a shift change and needed to stay a few more hours. Which meant I would have to watch my sister a little bit longer. Not that I didn’t mind. We had a very close relationship, and she was always really good for me. She listened well and did as she was told. But tonight, after a small argument over her bedtime, I felt the anger bubbling in my chest.

One second I was raising my voice a little, and then in a blink of an eye I was snarling. My hands were no longer just hands. The nails started to grow until they were razor like. And my teeth started to burn as the canine teeth began to grow. I was foaming at the mouth and becoming something that I never knew was possible.

And ever since then… my sister had never looked at me the same way again.

My mother knew that something had occurred, but my sister was so scared of me that she couldn’t speak of it. She was also afraid of what would happen if she came forward. I cried and apologized frantically over and over for what I had done. Promising her that it’d never happen again, and asking, pleading for her not to tell a soul.

It was wrong of me to ask such a thing, but I was scared too.

Scared of what would happen to me… and scared of what I could become.

It wasn’t until one accident that my secret slowly started to become known. Something that I couldn’t avoid, and at the same time I wish that I could take back.

My sister and I were constantly being made fun of. Whether it be for our run down shoes or our innocent faces, or just the way that we seemed like easy targets. I wanted to be the older sister that could defend her, that could protect her from those that wish harm to her. Even after all of this, I wanted to protect myself. I had made no attempt to get to know this power, and I had paid the price for it that evening.

The afternoon that my sister and I were cornered by some Seniors. They were clearly amused by our scared reactions and our feeble looks. The timidness of our souls must have been exactly what they wanted. It was disgusting to watch them threaten us with physical strength and other terrible things if we reacted unpleasantly. To think that kids like this in our school existed still makes my stomach churn.

The only thing that mattered in that moment was my sister. She was the only thing I saw in that moment. The scared look on her face and the fear that something might happen to her. My heart felt like it was about to burst from my chest, and the blood in my veins were pulsating painfully. I couldn’t stop the rush of adrenaline, and the power overcame me.

Within seconds I became the beast that lingered inside me. Right in front of those four kids and my sister. I could say that I couldn’t imagine how terrifying it was, but I would be lying. In that moment, I could see everything as if it wasn’t happening to me. As if I was an outsider with no control over my body. I couldn’t do anything to stop myself.

Luckily for me the kids got away, only one of them getting a little scratched by me in the process. No one got hurt, and I am thankful for that every day. I couldn’t imagine what would have happened if they weren’t fast enough.

My sister, even though she was young, continued to tell me that it wasn’t my fault. She cried for me, and I cried for myself. It didn’t seem fair that this was happening to me. I almost wanted to throw it all away and run. Because if I can’t promise that I won’t hurt those around me, than is it really safe for me to be anywhere near them?

When we returned home, I immediately told my mom everything. I never left a single thing out. I couldn’t. It was becoming too much for me to handle alone.

That was the last night we spent in that house. My mom barely had anything to her name, but she packed up and found a place for us in a city a few hours away. Then, we had a long discussion about my future. It wasn’t an easy thing to swallow. There was always the option of turning myself in, finding people that know how to deal with others like me. It felt like the smartest decision, and yet, i was too selfish to do it.

I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving my mother alone, let alone leaving my family in the first place. But at the same time, it was selfish for me to leave them in harm’s way. So I promised that no matter what, I will do whatever it takes to control my power. No matter how long it takes, I will get a grip on myself, as long as it keeps them safe. They were the driving force in everything that I did from that day forward.

Even today, as I sit on the balcony of my New York apartment, all I can do is continue to think of them. In every decision that I make, they are the reason behind it all. I don’t do anything without wondering how it’ll affect them. Even though I’m miles and miles away, I continue to do better for them. My drive to help make this world a better place starts with my family.

Getting a grasp on my powers was not an easy task. Even learning to sleep through the night without shifting was hard enough. Controlling my emotions and stabilizing the damage was more difficult than anything I’d ever done before. But I did it for them. For everyone that I would ever come into contact with, especially those that I love. For those that can’t protect themselves, and everyone in between.

I wanted to be something great. I wanted to be someone that could make a positive impact on the world. Not someone that tears it down.

The guilt that weighs on my heart will continue to be there, and I will continue to use that to make me a better person today. I am not who I was years ago, and tomorrow I will not be the person I am today. With every step forward, I will never look back. No matter how hard it may seem, I’m doing this for the greater good.

This is my journey… to becoming a hero.