#and im just so socially stunted here dsfhgjdfgh that i think its gonna be kinda like. shitty. and this friend just always kinds makes me
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rlly silly (watermelon) rant in the tags
#bc im too lazy to find and write in my journal rn so im making u all witness this (if u choose to read)#so my one friend and i wanted to do a lil smth for st pattys since we cant go to bars and wont rlly party anyway rn bc covid#and i brought this up likeeee a month ago like valentines day time and she was gonna ask her bf abt having a few ppl over#and we bring it up like every single time we see each other for the past month and she keeps like refusing to just ask him#so i was like ok lol ill do a 'pre game' or we can just hang at my place w a few ppl#and she said cool but shed still ask him and then im like confirming for the sixth time that ill host and shes like oh i think i mis#understood. girlie. how?? anyway so im like ya whatever itll be fine. but heres the thing#its literally like. her. my roommate for next year <3 my current roommate if she decides to participate#ok hang on biggest point being i literally messaged two (2) ppl outside of her. that is all i could think of#and ya we dont want it to be a big thing anyway but if it turns out to be literally like three of us. sigh. idk#like when shes hosted at her place both of her roommates joined in and they all sort of agreed on who they were having over#and im just so socially stunted here dsfhgjdfgh that i think its gonna be kinda like. shitty. and this friend just always kinds makes me#feel that way even if she doesnt mean to. one of the last times we hung out she kept asking if id been to all these little places#and i mean like every single place we'd walked past and i had to keep being like nope:) bc ive had less time on campus than her#and her bf takes her out all the time obvs lol so that was cool and she has all these friends bc shes in a million clubs#and i dont want that i wouldnt enjoy my life if i was like that but it sucks that im still struggling so much to find ppl#and ik there are other ppl like me but so many ppl i know are either like her or at least like. have a few good friends yk#i have a few good friends but none of them are here. i have acquaintances. and it's so fucking lonely#and idk what to do about it anymore lmfaoo i tried going to clubs i didnt care abt i tried talking to ppl in my classes#and ya recently ive realized how tired and unapproachable i must seem on campus but like. i am. so tired. nothing works out lolol#i feel like im like 40 yrs old and failing at life and questioning everything and wishing i could restart#and other ppl are like. enjoying silly stupid shit at college bc they can#and ya u can take yourself out and enjoy ur own company. i know i do. but i just feel like ugugghghghhh#idk if its my meds or just. nothing happening in my life. but i literally walk around feeling empty#and it just sucks to me that that friend who ive known for years is more likely to silently judge me for not just finding more friends#than deciding to try and include me bc she knows how much im struggling#so now i have this internal voice thats like Youre being ridiculous theres no reason u shouldnt have people. instead of like#anything compassionate. and even when i was more compassionate toward myself all of my external influence was like#Dude literally wtf. and uh. ya i rlly dk wtf man idk wtf is wrong w me#or even if theres nothing wrong w me idk how to just have a slightly normal fucking life like everyone else
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