#and im just scratching the surface here!!! theres so fucking much to think about!!!

[night-dark-woods]

YEAH!!! exactly. like im glad they did fun stuff with gendered terms for Taranis and Riven but. poor story choice imo.

i really like carrying the idea of how the demon gets corrupted/limited/made legible by overuse of human speech over to the ahamkara thats super fun.

i also think there's SO much in the older lore that does actually align more with the dunmeshi approach. like its so unclear if ahamkara Always do monkey's paw wishes, or if that happened because of Riven being Taken. i think the latter is FAR more interesting. they didn't need to build the wish wall to cage her until afterwards, after all. she and Mara built things together previously- it always seemed to me that Mara's caution around her wasn't that of someone around a trickster god, but just the wariness of someone with a healthy respect for an apex predator.

like that's smth i really like about the dunmeshi demon- there isn't a moral aspect to it. it's not evil, it's hungry. eat or be eaten but to judge that on a moral level would be like judging a real lion for hunting deer. and i like it far more that it is so horrifying and violent and YET not immoral. and i think there's something so FUN about that idea that would do interesting stuff with ahamkara.

like this from whisper:

So it whispered the Anthem Anatheme, the temptation to dominate the objective universe with the subjective will. It said, I shall be an engine to make your desire hegemon over your conditions. It said, WIELD ME, AND USE ME TO TEST YOUR FOE. This was its worship.

and that part i mentioned from TTP (the Riven loretab of all time to me):

2. NO LISTEN PLEASE the ontopathic predator the chimera which has Riven your Desires from Your Intents It Wanted You Here just as all life must feed on an energy gradient it feeds on the separation between Subjective Desire and Objective Reality it is the opposite of fire for as fire feeds on the reduction of Order to Disorder so Riven feeds on the Anthem Anatheme which is the perverse coercion of Reality to match Desire. As the Human body breaks down Matter for Fuel so she desires the digestion of Objectivity to conform to your Subjective Will. She is the acid but you are the mouth which eats. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE UNIFIED WILL OF SIX ELITE GODSLAYERS ALL WISHING FOR A SINGLE THING WHICH WAS HER DESTRUCTION/PURIFICATION CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW SHE FEASTED UPON YOU

are SOOO interesting to me. the granting of wishes is how the ahamkara feeds but it feeds by serving. it feeds by being of use. this part from the Hidden Dosier also feels relevant:

Ahamkara willingly seek destruction in order to be taken as trinkets by Guardians. You must know this. You've tried to exploit those trinkets as thoroughly as the other factions. But do you understand the metaphysics behind their desire?

I do. I once wished to know more about Ahamkara. Wish granted.

Ahamkara believe that by transforming themselves, by metamorphosing from monsters into treasures, they become more real. More important ontologically. It is the gap between reality as is and reality as desired that they feed on, Arach. And Guardians are the richest, finest source of reality as desired that they have ever met.

What have Ahamkara artifacts ever done but instill delusions of grandeur? A solipsistic madness: "I am more real than what surrounds me"?

Why is this?

The skulls of dire Ahamkara speak to me. They know I want to know the truth, and so they whisper to me of a path they climb. They call it the Anathematic Arc.

They are going somewhere. Somewhere they consider more real. Guardians are part of how they get there.

What if Savathûn wants to go there too?

and the related dunmeshi screenshots from Winged Lion III:

ID. A partial manga page. The Winged Lion is telling its backstory: "Their desires were very interesting. The more I gave them what they wanted, the more novel their "flavors" became..." The images show a person salivating as they eat the Winged Lion in the form of a fruit, then people sitting around a meal and saying, "I want to eat something that's better than what other people can eat." and "I want to eat this, but at the same time I don't."

The last panel is a close-up on the first person licking their fingers clean, saliva and fruit juice dripping from their half-open mouth. the Winged Lion's narration concludes, "...and the more complex."

ID. Two partial manga pages, sequential. The Winged Lion lies on a banquet table in the form of a whole roast suckling pig. A woman sitting at the table closes her eyes and prays, "Oh, I wish these blessings would last forever." The Lion thinks to itself, "Ahh...I know exactly what you mean." The second half of that line is on the next page, the Lion standing up on the stumps of its cut-off legs from its platter, slices taken out of its back all the way down, food spilled and all the people dead around the table, slumped onto the top or laying on the ground staring sightlessly up at the sky. End ID.

ID. Full manga page. Black background with dramatic lighting. The Winged Lion stares up at the sky visible through a crack in the dungeon ceiling and thinks, "One last step before I finally reach the surface world..." It turns to look over its shoulder at Laios (and at the reader), and continues, "And in order to take that final step... I want your desires." End ID.

i think the ahamkara should be more like the demons in dm. like FUCK. every time i get a panel about them im like. WHAT if riven was like this. what if being fed upon by an ahamkara was as violent and intimate and violating as the way kui ryoko draws it. an ahamkara granting your wish should feel like that panel where the demon is feeding on mithrun. i dont have any extrapolation to add im just putting those panels in a snowglobe with the TTP line ("IMAGINE HOW SHE FEASTED UPON YOU") and the line from WQCE ("I laugh much less since that day. But I am more content.") and rattling it around and staring at it with macabre fascination.

[straitjacketzz]

HAVE YOU EVER DRAWN THESE GUYS?

Sooooo idek where to begin with this. I'll start by saying that yes I contacted Rebornica/Bones/Voltergeist and bought two of their old FNAF au designs. Those being Scott/Phone Guy and Jeremy. Before I get into anything I feel like I'm obligated to address Volt's past and let it be known that I do not Care about a mentally ill teenager faking other disorders or aggressively yelling at people to stop copying them or whatever other overdramatic thing they did like a decade ago and I don't think buying from them is anywhere near comparable to "supporting problematic people" compared other designers who are like homophobic or whatever the fuck else, and I'm not here to talk about or argue about "the ethics" of me giving Volt money. So jot that down before you even start typing.

I'm here to ask if anyone here has drawn art of Scott/Phone Guy and Jeremy so that i may save it and add it to their toyhouse galleries. You'll see they both currently have like 100 pieces in their galleries right now but I know that's not even scratching the surface. Theres just so much of it It's overwhelming to look for. Theres also issues of these designs being so popular to the point of people making their Own personal redesigns of them. And it starts to muddy up which art belongs to me or not. This isnt toooo much of a big deal with Jeremy as the giant "?" on his face makes him pretty distinct and easily recognizable as The Guy That I Own. But this becomes a problem with Phone Guy specifically. He is... pretty much The design that everyone draws him as regardless of if they intend for it to be Rebornica fanart or not. People use this design in their own AUs, people use this design as their own OC. Theres so so so so so much art of people labeling their art as "heres my phone guy design!" and its just the Rebornica design. And I don't feel comfortable or really have the heart to save anything that people consider to be theirs even if its literally the design that I own x__x It's just a bit hard when you own a design that is considered canon enough to a real video game to the point where people just. Take him. and there's nothing I can do about that. And it's not something that upsets me tbh because I knew this was an issue when I Bought him. Literally all I want to know is what art I can or can't save and upload to their archives lmao. So I figured asking people to send me their art directly would help reduce the chance of me just taking someone else's art that they didn't intend to be My phone guy. Not even counting the fact that a popular FNAF fan game called Dayshift At Freddy's has their own version of phone guy that ALSO had the red rotary phone head but wears a black business suit. So, any art of That One isnt mine.

But anyway yeah! And just know i'm looking for literally anything involving these guys. Digital art, traditional art, gifs, animations, physical/irl art, doodles, comics, fanfic, cosplays you made, even weird misc stuff like ponytown designs for them, literally anything and everything!!

also because i keep getting asked about it, Vincent, shadow vincent, mike, vendetta, mahogany, faith, captain, vex, sheriff, fritz, hocus, and boss have also all been sold and multiple different people own these guys now. and for vincents owner specifically, i will not be giving out their username as they Do Not Want To Be Contacted About It.

im cross-posting this on multiple websites so feel free to reach out anywhere where its most convenient for you. reblogs are appreciated for reach

twitter: straitjacketzz discord: straitjackets toyhouse: straitjackets

[laurazepamwrites]

I need to rant.

I'm getting real tired by the amount of shit Junkrat is getting from other characters. Yeah i get that hes a criminal, (who isnt in OW at this point?) Hes a junker and like the rest of the junkers is looked down on as a society but his latest interaction with Baptiste has upset me for a number of reasons. The interaction goes:

Baptiste: Whats wrong man?

Junkrat: Oh nothing, just beginning to think no one likes me.

Baptiste: Maybe if you stopped stealing and blowing up everyones stuff?

Junkrat: Is is even worth it? If i dont get to do what I love?

How sad is that? Has he ever had any positive interaction in his life to question if its worth trying to do better. You have your Reapers, Doomfists and Moiras who are genuine wicked people..literal terrorists, who for some reason have much friendlier banter and dialogue then this young man who lost his whole world in a catastrophic event at just 5 years old. No shit he became a product of this new and cruel environment of kill or be killed, where you had to steal to survive and fend off other desperate survivors and savagery. Of course hes abit touched in the head, who wouldnt be? It looks to be his mum died either in the omnium explosion or after so was he actually raised by anyone as a child to know right from wrong? And yet he is still genuinely friendly, outgoing and trying hard to connect with others. Sure, hes annoying, loud and obnoxious but jfc hes trying. And most characters just shit on him, hell even Roadhog gets friendlier interactions. Now this is what pisses me off about the writers. Here we have an obviously neurodivergent character who they have barely scratched the surface on. Hes fucking intelligent, How did he learn chemistry, mechanics and engineering? hes obviously had a horrific past, how and what did he do or have to do to survive? What the fuck is this treasure he found and is this going to be important lore? This just seems to be ignored in favour of making him a pest. Theres a reason hes my favourite character and why this upsets me. Hes like me, Hes the only character i actually relate to. Dont get me wrong Im not into blowing stuff up but as a neurodivergent I see so much of his personality similar to my own and i know all to well how familiar it is to be treated like he is. I try and fail to connect with others often, i get pushed away, made fun of for my quirks and personality and it fucking hurts. Junkrat is not stupid and he notices how hes being treated, I know how he feels and it fucking sucks. I really hope the writers are using this as an opportunity to develop his character arc, i know narrative designer Justin Groot is a Junkrat fan so im holding out some hope. Let Junkrat grow, let him heal, give him a fucking break and give him some fucking friends!

[pleafyistired]

I knew if I sent that on anon I would lose the post and have to dig into dash for 5000 years /silly. Can you tell me more about your ocs perhaps perchance - 🕶

You gotta be more specific my friend i haveeee… symbolismss, main story, characters personality, side characters, the Antagonist, designs, weapons and battle styleee etc etc /sillyy

But uhh i think ill start out with the prologue/backstory that kicks the whole story off… :3 buckle up, its a bit long! :3

DISCLAIMERR everything is all under construction and might change!! Im sorry if i just randomly one day change shit up lol, but for now heres the shit ive cooked up.

undercut cause kinda Long.

Okayyyy SO! We first start out with Chris :3 hes born in a royal family thing and even though hes a younger child, after proving to everyone hes clearly superior in Everything* compare to his older brother whos unluckily* wasnt born mutated with dragons features and powers (super rare since like dragons are basically consider extinct at that point in the world after being hunted down and erased by people). The older brother was kind and compassionate compare to the confident killer machine that is his brother, so Chris is basically on the throne now on account of his parents being pretty old now and them pushing most of the work to their sons and fuck away to vacations. During this time of chris’s ruling, the next door kingdom has a single king with no heirs. These two kingdom, chris’s and this other dude’s, are the two most powerful nation in the world and is basically fighting the other for more control over Everything. That king didnt quite seem to care about the fact hes old and have no heirs tho, as he was more concerned with having as much control over everything as possible. Chris took offense to this cause HEY controlling and taking over the world- I MEANN ruling over everyone is HIS JOB! so they fought a lot until one day the old king died right at his desk, and it was rumored he was assassinated but theres no time to figure that all out now, cause that kingdom immediately crumbled without the iron fist control freak ruler to run everything, everything went to shit! and long story short, Chris basically took over that kingdom and punish anyone that were in support of the past king and all is well! Now he rule everything yippie!

Spoiler alert! it Doesnt cause as it turns out, the old king actually secretly had a team of scientist that was researching how to revive a dragon from ice cause the king figure hey. if that young brat is so proud of its stupid dragon might, ill have my OWN dragon son to kick his stupid ass. And he succeeded! So he raised his dragon son in secret for years until womp womp hes dead. The dragon guy went into hiding and finally is now planning to emerge with the single goal of avenging his dead father! and thats Eric :3

Thats BASICALLY. Keyword BASIC. Introduction of the two. Cause shit are much Much more complicated and as the plot unfolded, so so much more happened… escalated much more from simple personal drama to the sake of the world, to having to deal with what being alive is and what living for yourself means, that being the paragon hero isnt VERY GOOD and Not in the way youre thinking of which is “ohh im too worried about others to thibk about themselves.” Yes thats also a part, but being the perfect paragon hero can escalate to something so so much more dark and just GAHHH THATS 0.1% OF IT. I HAVENT EVEN SCRATCH THE SURFACE.

also if youre wondering what a paragon hero is btw, heres an explaination, but the simple relevant explaination for my story is that someone who will do good for the SAKE of doing good, the classic typical hero who will never give up on what is good and will do anything for it. Think superman or batman! ^_^

ANYWAYS yeah thats the Prologue, and lemme know if you want to know anything else lol <3 THANKS FOR ASKING BTW I APPRECIATE IT ❤️❤️❤️

[zeico]

Long post request: how do you feel about BG3?

I didn't realize a new patch came out on final fantasy for about a week because Baldur Gate o Baldur Gate

currently in act 3 and trying to stock up on shit since I recently cleared out the bank. I'm TRYING to hold myself to not starting a new character until I finish this one but I see so many monk items and i want themmmmm (I have a half elf monk open in character creator right now)

Since I played a lotttt of dragon age origins, parts of the structure of bg3 felt very familiar to me like the camp itself and like how u interact with the companions. Like coming home in a way.

I'm also playing 5e a lot so that part of the structure of it was very easy to adapt to. I do still have trouble with like certain interface things like oh man gotta select the version of the spells BEFORE TARGETTING NO GALE WHY ARE YOU RUNNING TO THEM GET BACK HERE WHY ARE YOU HITTING THEM WITH YOUR 8 STRENGTH BACKED STICK

But its great and I do like the changes made to better facilitate it being a VIDEO GAME. Like I'm a Divination Wizard. My main Thing is portent dice. (There's also detect thoughtsing my way through all social encounters which is SO GREAT honestly scratches an itch I've always wanted to do but it would be such a pain in the ass for tabletop. Like first first ever dnd character I cooked up was an illiterate mind reading sorcerer that like got by through just that. But that would be so annoying to do with like.... PEOPLE AT THE TABLE of like 'so im just constantly getting ur surface thoughts...... i can't entirely control this... i'm sorry....' )

ANYWAY portent dice!!!!! in bg3 they have it at level 6 you fulfill little prophecies to get ur dice back to make the big boss miss their BIG attack or make SURE you hit (or my favorite, make the rogue crit on a sneak attack) instead of having it that when u cast a divination spell u get a spell slot back. since theres so few divination spells especially like using IN COMBAT so I understand the change.

I also like the variety of shit you can do. like my partner is one to summon 9 creatures btw the whole party so theres a small army of creatures following their main party. (also several buffed with mage armor and everyone has a higher level aid cast on them so they also have a decent amount of health its really funni to watch) I like wrote off the summon guys moves because I just dont like to have extra guys usually.

Something I wish I did on my first playthrough tho was simply long resting more I think I fucked myself out of a lot of social link scenes in act 1 bc I straight up didn't rest enough. The game is like 'oh no time is ticking' but things aren't REALLY like that (cept for like... 2 instances I can think of) bc its a videogame and thats fine.

It WANTS you to use all your abilities and not be dum like me and just cantrip my way through most the first act 'just in case i need my slots later' why am i like this. both short and lone rest more and just use all your moves its FINE

speaking of social links and companions theyre all great. I love them all. I DO wish some things weren't like... romance locked it feels??? well more like you HAVE to reject them???? idk I had a scene with gale when he's like 'but we're not THAT close tho' and i felt bad bc like... I want to be wizard friends with you. I'm SORRY I'm so weak to both vampires and elves.

heard some shit about astarion having like so much content compared to all the other companions and man imma feel so spoiled on my playthroughs where i dont smooch the vampire. I do wish everyone else had more scenes too its a shame.

something about bg3 thats HILARIOUS to me personally is that its all like 'recruit allies against the cult' and in another irl campaign im in thats been in hiatus for years but I still hope to come back its REALLY similiar. Oh no a huge looming death cult threat to the city. oh no the city has its own fuckmess of bullshit to deal with. OH NO a shapeshifting killer. Anytime theres strong parallels to that campaign it sparks joy.

A few technical problems I've had tho were around switching characters in and out of the party. like in a building and I wanna run back to camp to tag in someone. Wait why are they on the roof????

Or I tag in someone and WHY ARE YOU CLIPPING THROUGH THE FLOOR? Tbh the game is so enjoyable I just sigh and say "Video. Game." out loud and load a save. Like the last time that was REALLY frustrating is when it just would NOT let me out of a restricted area like please I persuaded u 3 times let me go I was on my way OUT.

Also why do all these 8 strength men have abs. This is Wrong. I'm bad with figuring out the technical shit of modding but holy shit I need them to not have abs.

Anyway I had this and the character creator open for like 2 hours now so Imma start that now.

[bi-ftm-on-main]

anxiety disorder? i hardly know her

Ok so I had bought this suction dildo ages ago but never really used it stuck to a surface, just for handheld stuff, cos theres not a lot of suctionable surfaces in my house and i have to wait for everyone to leave and its a whole thing. anyway.

I tried it out the other day in the shower at like hip height and just like folded over and leaned into it which worked better than any other position I've tried, effort and logistics wise, and was vibing like that for a while. my initial thoughts are as follows:

i had to use so much more lube than expected. like i knew dryness was a thing that happens when on T but i was quite surprised, i was adding (a tiny bit) more every couple of minutes id say

i really couldve gotten a bigger toy actually. its 7 inches atm but with my fat ass it kept falling out and it was kinda annoying

it was fine, pleasure wise. like not particularly mind blowing but still alright. like 7/10. definitely scratched an itch tho ya know

i really gotta be trimming my pubes more cos that shits not helping anyone

my boobs were in my face and i didnt appreciate it

and yeah i kept at it for a while just to see if i could cum from it alone, which i havent been able to do yet even when using it handheld. but like isn't that a thing, that most people cant cum from penetration alone? im fairly sure.

i have been trying to use the toy more tho cos one thing that im worried about for when i do eventually have sex is squirting.

on rare occasions i will squirt when i use showerhead to -- oh yeah thats another thing. i unironically refer to masturbating as 'beating my meat'. it started in high school and im sorry but it kinda seems like its here to stay. well up until the day i have to say it in conversation then ill dissolve and escape down a storm drain --

anyway, i was going at it and it was building but not really enough so i just was like ugh fine whatever and unstick it off the wall and started using it handheld + clit stuff -- t dick stuff? I personally dont have heaps of bottom dysphoria but i havent decided -- just so i could cum. it had been a while and my sex playlist was running out of hozier songs. yes im putting that information on the internet, sue me.

but like i was going at it two handed and it was working a treat and even after i came i kept going -- i was pushing myself because i wanted to see if i would squirt because i want to be prepared for this stuff -- and omg. bro omggggg.

measuring the time by songs id say that i came for, at minimum, three whole minutes.

like cos i was pushing myself so i just kept going with the two hand method and it just kept going and i kept going and it kept going and i had to change to one hand cos my fingers were tingling and it kept going. man.

i only stopped cos de selby part 2 was starting to wrap up -- no one look at me -- and i just layed there for a while longer just with my hands tingling and feeling light as air.

it made me think of that one twitter thread i think of that straight girl who got fucked by a lesbian and was all happy to go to work the next day even though she fucking hates her job. that was me bro.

i put my clothes back on and headed right back to the computer ive been sitting at for two days straight finishing assignments with a new lease on life. i was giddy mate. giddy. ugh

um yeah. moral of the story, i didnt squirt even after having my guts be pounded for like half an hour. thank you for cumming to my ted talk.

[fukozawa]

venting just ignore me // tw: weight, sui, sh

i really wish i had a therapist

I havent had a therapist since i was 15 over a decade ago. And even then i didn’t want to be there and didn’t take advantage of how much of a privilege it was

I don’t think ill ever be able to be vulnerable with anyone in my life. I don’t think ill ever not feel like a burden. And if that ever goes away it’ll surely be after years of therapy which i don’t and won’t have access to for the foreseeable future

Anytime I’m faced with the opportunity to open up or ask for a listening ear, I’m fully paralyzed from seeking that out. Its like right before i take that step, right as my foot is about to touch the shaky ground of opening up to someone that wants to be there for me, its like my own subconscious flings me backwards through midair and everything i wanted to say is blank and i physically cant utter the words. Its like all the feelings that made me want to seek out help in the first place suddenly disappear and I’m miraculously totally fine and not sure why I needed to reach out in the first place and waste anyones time or emotional energy.

Theres always this underlying feeling that i don’t matter and i can easily disappear from peoples lives and they wouldn’t notice, so why make them become further invested in my issues when I’m basically nonexistent as it is. Obviously its the avoidant attachment style but to an extreme. I don’t have to avoid people when i constantly feel like others are avoiding me. And especially avoiding my feelings, which have oftentimes been too heavy for others to carry.

Ive never had a irl friend who would just listen to me and be emotionally intelligent enough to not project their own ideas onto me, but who knew how to allow their presence be the comfort that i needed.

I cant stop myself from diverting the attention away from myself and focusing on other peoples problems or worries in order to avoid having to talk about my own.

In reality i could literally talk about myself and my constant self analysis for hours, theres so much that ive reflected on and so much i could use external insight on, but by the time i scratch the tip of the iceberg, the intrusive thought of being a burden/waste of time/emotional drain on those around me is too powerful to ever scratch the surface of what really goes on with me. Even on tumblr i try not to vent here as often as id like bc its literally so embarrassing being a human and having to have human emotions like literally so annoying i hate having to subject anyone to this.

Tho if im honest I’m lonelier than ive ever been and nothing is more affirming of my trauma and need for community than how expertly I’m able to isolate myself so diligently. Thats just one of the ways I’m able to self harm without anyone noticing. Another big way lately has been depriving myself of sleep, i cant stop myself. The feeling of being so ridiculously tired that i cant help but pass out is the best feeling ever cuz it means not a moment is spent with my own thoughts. I know its hurting me so much, bc my head screams at me with some of the worst headaches (which i realized recently are likely migraines) but its part of the sh i guess. When it gets too unbearable i just take some pain medicine and i can go about my day. Burning eye sockets are a lot easier to ignore than a radiating pounding skull.

Ive become so unhealthy but i don’t care. Sadly I’m skinny so no one questions it. I’m severely underweight but restricting food intake is another way i subtly self harm. I think its obvious but my parents are too self centered to notice and if they do notice they clearly don’t think its enough of a concern to mention to me. Its not actually on purpose tho, i have arfid due to being autistic and making myself a meal thats not instant ramen is literal fucking hell on earth and feels like I’m trying to run through waste deep water. I never have an appetite and the act of even having to eat at all is exhausting/draining. I hate food and if i could survive on vibes & Dr Pepper alone without having to eat food id be more than happy. I constantly have anxiety that there’s something seriously wrong with my body but id never know because my body is constantly being put through the wringer, experiencing such regular levels of discomfort/pain its impossible for me to acknowledge which of my bodies signals are truly dire.

Living with my mother is slowly killing me but i have no way out due to crippling levels of anxiety and absolutely zero energy to care for myself enough to be able to take action on things that would benefit my future self. It doesnt help that it feels like the world is ending and feeling like i may not have a lot of time left anyways so might as well spend my life in bed miserable under the covers starving and malnourished, cuz its the only thing I’m good at.

I feel like I’m always in some sort of dissociative state that i don’t know how to turn off. I try to ground myself and it just comes right back. When it comes to my emotional state i have absolutely zero support system and its hard to not feel like everyone is better off not having to deal with my bullshit drama. Its hard not to feel like I’m making all this up and just being dramatic, like I’m faking all of this and i bet if i wasnt such a coward I wouldn’t have all these issues.

A part of me is jealous of the people who took their lives already. They were powerful people. I wish i could be like them. And not have to deal with the pain of existing as an autistic gay person who never felt truly seen. As terrifying as that is thats all ive ever wanted, for someone to genuinely want to See me and Understand me. Cuz up to this point in my life ive gone out of my way for others to make sure they feel understood, but not once has anyone put that same energy towards me. Which is why I’m hesitant to continue trying to form new close relationships, whats the point when all my prior experiences have shown how little most people give a shit about forming lasting strong connections that stand the test of time. Even the bare minimum of asking someone to educate themselves on the autistic experience so they can begin to try understand my experience, is somehow too much to ask and too high of an expectation.

Anyways I’m done venting for now and its finally time for me to sleep after being awake for 24+ hrs lmao k bye

[tigerdrop]

Hfbbfbhbbbbff stumbles in here. Listen. Uhhhh hl gordo topping the absolute shit out of vr gordos like, fingers shoved in so far in his mouth and Benrey "accidentally" stumbling in to find them and just seeing vr gordos become such a fuckinf mess under hl gordo..... idk it's on the brain now thanks to you and honestly thank you very much

thank you very much for this fantastic idea i took it and ran way too far with it

vr gordon on his knees with a hand in his hair tilting his head back, hl gordon in the HEV suit with 3 fingers fucking his mouth so you know he got those gloves on, just looking him right in the eyes while he does it, vr gordons got his hands wrapped around hl gordons forearm and his thighs spread wide, hes fuckin droolin and flushed and moaning around hl gordons fingers

and then benrey walks in and vr gordon Flips and is like "mpphh mhmhpph" trying to get those fingers out of his mouth and be Normal but hl gordon just grabs his hair tighter and plunges them in deeper and turns to stare right at benrey. doesnt say anything. just gives him an intense, totally unreadable look

gordon getting cucked by hl gordon and not letting himself join in b/c he is emotionally and sexually repressed as all hell is great. but i think it would be really fucking good if hl gordon wordlessly invites benrey to join in. just jerks his head to the side like "get over here"

well, first benrey just stands there, eyes wide and surprised as all hell while vr gordon slaps at hl gordons arm until he takes those fingers out of his mouth. then he starts bitching like "fucking-- go away, benrey, wait a fucking minute here--" until hl gordon leans down and whispers something in his ear that benrey cant make out. but whatever it is, it has an Effect on vr gordon thats kind of like watching a glass of water be poured over his head - his mouth snaps shut, and his face turns a dark, dark red, and he swallows hard as he looks back at benrey. and then back to hl gordon. and then he says, real quiet, "uh. okay"

and then benrey gets another Look from hl gordon and hes like "uhhh. cool. yeah. this is cool" and steps into their circle like his legs are on autopilot cuz hes still like what is even going on, never fuckin seen freeman like that before, this is craaaazy ha ha

(like, okay, in this scenario hl gordon already fuckin knows that vr gordon is into benrey and hes just being a little emotionally-constipated bitch about it. thats the whole reason he nodded at benrey to let him join in anyway. so what hl gordon is whispering into his ear is something along the lines of, like, this is what he wanted to do anyway, right? hl gordon already knows. so why dont u be good for the both of them, gordon?)

then before he knows it, hes standing in front of vr gordon on his knees and casting a shadow over him and vr gordon is so fucking embarrassed right now. but, like, hl gordon wasnt wrong, and he really, really wants to be good for him. (and, you know, for benrey, but if he admits that to himself he might actually fucking die.) hes sweating as he looks up at the both of them, like, "uh, okay, hey. uh. what am i supposed to--"

hl gordon interrupts him by making a fucking obscene motion with his (still spit-slick) fingers, indicating that benrey should do what hl gordon was just doing a second ago. (please note: hes still got his other hand in vr gordons hair.) and benrey looks between the two of them with his hand raised halfway into the air, like, yo, is this cool? is this actually happening? hl gordon gestures at him like, go ahead, bro. and when his hand approaches vr gordons mouth and his fingers alight on his lip, that mouth parts just enough to let him in, even if vr gordons having a really goddamn hard time meeting his eyes.

and benrey slowly starts feelin him from the inside, feeling the slick surface of his tongue and teeth while hl gordon gives benrey encouraging gestures and shows him how best to do it. how to get vr gordon to whimper and drool around his fingers just like he was doing earlier. not that vr gordon needs much help getting there - the humiliation of copping to his feelings like this, on his knees and fellating his frenemys hand, combined with hl gordons fingers gently stroking and scratching his scalp and stroking his ear and jaw as if to say, youre doing good, is getting him 12 different kinds of Fucked Up. hes still too embarrassed by all this to really get back into Whoredon Freeman mode so easily, but the embarrassment is.......really fucking cute. its doing it for benrey. and soon enough, hes got 3 fingers in gordons mouth and is feeling those low noises gordons making just as much as hes hearing them

i just......i think hl gordon is neat......hes just......a really quiet guy that projects this air of almost total confidence just by virtue of not speaking that much (and therefore, never sticking his fucking foot in it) and talking with his hands comes a lot easier than speaking aloud.......and hes a nice guy who doesnt have a problem showing it when its necessary/appropriate but he doesnt abide bullshit b/c bullshit gets people killed, which vr gordon unfortunately has in spades........literally all just fucking made-up personality traits but i just see it very clearly in my head

in my mind he is the polar opposite of vr gordon. like. vr gordon is so desperate to maintain control over his peers and his environment and he mostly just......yells ineffectually and runs around like a big loud rooster trying to peck everybody into place. and clearly that shit dont work out too well for him. so in comparison hl gordon is just......effortlessly confident in what he does and how he acts and people are just naturally inclined to listen to him/take him seriously. or at least he appears that way on the outside - i imagine the guy still has some self esteem issues, both about himself as a person and in his own abilities to Do What Needs To Be Done. just.......being so quiet all the time projects that air

i also imagine that like......his smiles are a bit of a rare thing, too. especially for vr gordon, who spends most of the time rubbing him the wrong way. so when vr gordon does earn one of those smiles, or a thumbs up, or basically any kind of positive attention, it hits extra hard

still thinking about. hl gordon basically......teaching benrey how to fuck vr gordon. in so many words. starting with the fingers.....hes also quietly being encouraging towards benrey, too, communicating that hes doing good at this. (is hl gordon domming both of them at the same fucking time?? youre goddamn right he is.) and benreys tenting the absolute hell out of his slacks by the time hes got vr gordons hand wrapped around his wrist to keep him there, and by the time gordons whining around his fingers and spreading his legs open wider instinctually and jerking his hips a little against the arm hes got shoved down between em for just a little friction

and then hl gordon stops benrey and makes another obscene motion and-- oh. yeah, benrey would like to take care of his boner issue like that, thank you. benreys a little dumbfounded, like, "yo, uhhh, you really wanna suck my dick? friend?" and vr gordons like "oh my god, you didnt have to say it out loud! jesus fucking christ, do not say anything-- not another fucking word--" but hes cut off by hl gordons hand tugging his hair hard enough to make him hiss. "okay, okay, jeez!"

vr gordon shimmies closer and looks up at him, still red, still sweating, drool running down the corner of his mouth and trailing in a translucent string from benreys fingers. still embarrassed. but daring benrey to do as he was told. so benrey unzips himself with shaking fingers and pulls out his dick. hes fully hard already and hl gordons there to guide the both of them how to do it - takes vr gordons hand and curls it into a fist with his thumb tucked inside, guides vr gordons head with the hand still in his hair. pushes him onto benreys dick. and theres something decidedly fucking weird about hl gordons role in this, but hes clearly getting off on it, and so are the rest of them, so theres not a lot of room left for any of them to worry about it

i cannot rightfully allow myself to keep fucking writing this when i still havent finished writing gordon freeman coming untouched but im just fucking frothing thinking about hl gordon showing benrey exactly how to push vr gordons buttons. shows him how to finger vr gordon, which angle he should push gordons legs back to so he can hit just the right spot, guides him to take just the right pace and shows him how gordon likes his hair to be pulled

and benreys so obedient! its a marked difference from how much shit he gives vr gordon at any attempt to control him. vr gordons honestly a little miffed about it, but on the other hand, hl gordon is really good at jerking him around and getting him off and hes a very good teacher. he cant complain

Anyway. See Ya

[shhh-no-ones-home]

blood pact izzy stradlin x reader x axl rose

+++++++++

Yes this is based off the tik Tok and yes I absolutely love the idea of 'boys in skirts on skateboards'🥺

evidently im super good at fusion fics so heres another one lol, it kind of hints at a relationship with axl but its not legit, just friends type situation. also she kinda edited but if i missed anything, sorry lol

the drawing i did as inspo can be found here

Song: black sheep by metric

tag list: @cynic-spirit @satans-arse @slashscowboyboots

+++++++++

i walked through the door behind axl, closing it behind me as he fell into the couch.

"sure make yourself at home."

izzy said sarcastically, poking his head out of the kitchen. i waved, smiling at him as he waved back. i heard the fridge door close before he made his way into the living room.

"ax said you wanted to hang out today?"

i asked, looking to him for answers. when axl arrived at my house he hurried me to get ready, not really explaining why we were heading to izzys place.

"uh yeah i guess, i mentioned i was going skating if he wanted to join."

we both looked over at him, his arm over his face as he lounged, almost falling asleep.

"well that makes more sense as to why he made me bring my board."

i said, scratching the back of my neck. izzy looked at me quizzically.

"i didnt know you skated."

i laughed a little bit.

"yeah i enjoy it from time to time. its nice to get out and shred or whatever."

i joked. he smiled at me.

"are you wearing that?"

he asked, nodding to my ripped jeans and oversize black t-shirt. i shrugged.

"well the only other thing i have with me is a skirt i left in my purse from last time i spent the night at axl's. i didnt end up changing into it."

i laughed nervously, realizing how awkward that sounded.

"right."

he said, nodding.

"want something else to wear? i dont mind, im pretty comfortable with pretty girls wearing my clothes."

he smirked at me.

"thats okay iz, you dont have to do that. im sure this will be fine. if anything else i could just wear the skirt. ya know, kick your ass while looking femme as hell."

i laughed and he sent me a look.

"you think you can skate better than me?"

i crossed my arms over my chest, leaning back on my heel.

"in a skirt or in general?"

he scoffed at me.

"both?"

he said half offended and i laughed.

"hell yeah both."

i torted back and he looked a little mad id dare denounce his skill, dipping his hand into his shorts pocket and plucking his pack of cigarettes out.

"we gonna test that theory?"

he piped back putting one between his lips and lighting it.

"you two done yet?"

axl said.

"this isnt a pissing contest, youre both pretty."

i looked over at him as he sat up.

"i could skate circles around you, no problem."

izzy said at me. i laughed

"Okay, I have a challenge for you then, Mr secure."

I said, dropping my arms. He looked at me with a Stern look, puffing smoke out his nose.

"Hit me with your best shot babes."

I smirked at him before stuffing my hand into my bag and pulling the blue plaid skirt out.

"Boys. In skirts. On skateboards."

I said firmly. He drew his brows together.

"You think I won't?"

He asked, challenging me back. I pushed it towards him and he looked at it for a second, hesitating.

"What's wrong iz? Scared someone's gonna think you're less of a man?"

He made a 'psh' sound with his mouth before snatching it from me.

"Absolutely not."

i sent him a wicked smile.

"great, then i guess youd better go change. we have a skate park to get to."

he glared at me before walking off to the bathroom. i saw axl sit fully up out of the corner of my eye.

"you really making him do that?"

he asked and i nodded.

"if hes so good then it shouldnt be a problem."

he emerged a second later, the skirt sitting low on his hips and part of his ripped tank top tucked into it.

"lets do this."

°°°°°°°°°

i heard snickers from the guys at the park as we skated to the far side, the ramps resembling an abandoned pool. izzy seemed a little stern as axl walked beside us.

"still not worried?"

i asked, looking to him.

"of course not."

he said flatly, stopping and kicking his board up.

"you asked me to skate in a skirt, i have nothing to worry about."

he looked to me for a second before smiling and pushing off the edge. i watched as he dipped down into the valley of concrete, the skirt flowing in the wind he created. axl laughed a little to himself.

"do you know how many times duff has tried to get him to wear a skirt? too bad hes not here."

i laughed and shook my head, holding my board up with my foot.

"maybe he should tag along next time."

i said, smirking at him before taking off myself. i watched the other skaters around me as i rode across the concrete, smiling at the feeling of the wind in my hair.

"having fun yet?"

izzy asked as he passed me.

"you know it. its much more fun seeing that thought."

i said pointing to his skirt as he rode up the wall and came back down.

"well im glad youre enjoying yourself."

he said right as i turned, barreling straight into him. the both of us hit the ground at the same time, our legs tangled together as our boards rolled in opposite directions.

"fuck."

i said harshly as he unwove himself from me. my leg was stinging and i was starting to regret not bringing my knee pads.

"oh shit."

he said, kneeling over me. i watched him intently as he pushed my pant leg up, seeing red. i hissed as the air hit the cuts and scrapes across my shin.

"is everything alright?"

axl called, concern lacing his voice. i looked at him and gave him a thumbs-up

"yeah its no big deal."

i called back and izzy looked at me like i was crazy.

"this is more than just a scratch y/n, we should really go get this cleaned up and bandaged."

i shook my head, watching my leg turn redder.

"its fine iz."

there was blood running down my leg but it was nothing i wasnt used to by now. i shifted to stand up, him grabbing my hands to help me. i groaned as i put my weight on it, blood rushing to the surface.

"see, thats not fine. come on, lets get you back to my place and we can come back later."

i sighed, feeling the warm liquid make its way slowly down to my ankle.

""so much for a day at the skate park."

i said a little disappointing, picking up my board that had rolled back to me. izzy did the same before wrapping his free arm around my waist and helping me walk.

"theres always tomorrow."

he said and i smiled.

"you wearing the skirt then too?"

i said slyly and he sent me a testing look.

"dont push it."

i laughed as we made our way back up to where axl was still standing, a worried look on his face.

"you said it was fine!"

he practically yelled, looking over the wound. i shrugged against izzy as he still held me to him.

"it is, but iz suggested we go back home and clean it up."

axl nodded.

"yeah i think i can agree with that. come on."

he said a little protective, standing on the other side of me to help me limp back to the car.

"thanks guys."

i said as izzy packed our boards into the back. he closed it and crossed his arms at me.

"maybe the skirt wasnt a good idea, im too distracting now."

he joked, twisting his hips to make it twirl around him. i laughed, looking at axl who seemed amused and annoyed.

"worth it."

i said, lifting my foot of the ground to relieve the pressure on my leg. izzy smiled widely at me.

"im glad to hear that, now lets go fix you up."

[scene-it-all-before]

okay damn theres a fair few new releases that i havent talked about but would like to so im just gonna put em all in one big post :)

laura les- haunted: im pogging out so hard and im going off the wall going fucking nuts i love i love i love i love i love

chevelle- niratias: idk if i would say this is chevelle’s best work, necessarily, but i still enjoyed it pretty thoroughly. i like that the album has a point, yknow? a lot of bands that have been going for 20+ years kinda run out of shit to say, but the space theme sprinkled with some social commentary suits them nicely and makes the record feel like it really has a purpose for existing. overall, not a bad addition to their catalog!

bmth- can you feel my heart (jeris johnson remix) + mothica- can you feel my heart: heres the big ones. two new versions of cyfmh that have come of its newfound popularity on tiktok and people seem to be really pressed about both. the thing is, i dont really get why? if you just don’t like them, that’s fair. theyre certainly quite different from the original, and i myself don’t like either of them nearly as much as i do the original. but people seem to be actually mad at the band for these? if people on tiktok are enjoying the song and asking for more of it, then why are people mad at the band for giving them more?

as for the actual songs, i think they’re fun. i have mixed feelings on jeris johnson’s work, because i think his production is cool and his hooks are catchy, but i’m not a fan of his lyrics (or his voice, if i’m being totally honest). the remix is stuck in my head frequently and i enjoy listening to it even if it doesn’t compare with the original. as for mothica’s version, i think the added hook is the best part. it sounds cool, and offers a take on the song that feels fresh enough to justify its own existence, which a track like this kinda has to do. my main issue i take with it is that it’s so short, because cyfmh is a song that has build-ups and payoffs, and takes its time to let you feel the energy. this new version doesn’t have that. the chorus is crammed right next to the bridge and it ultimately feels like the song has been forced into a container too small for it. it’s not even just that i wish the song were longer, because i wouldn’t enjoy a loop of the chorus anymore than i enjoy the track the way it actually is. i wish the actual song structure was dragged out so that the song felt more full and satisfying to listen to. overall, though, i enjoy this one well enough as well.

couple quickies:

sion- the blade: i’ll be honest, i thought this was gonna be boring. i’ve grown somewhat tired of metalcore, since so much of it sounds the goddamn same, but howard and jared put together something nice here. jared plays nicely and i like his little solo. as for howard, what is there really to say? he’s howard fucking jones, and he sounds amazing because of course he does. basically, its a nice track, particularly if you’re already a fan of these guys. hopefully the other stuff they have cooking will be up to scratch.

emma blackery- crying: idk how many emma fans there are on this site but damn it im gonna talk about this anyway. i absolutely LOVED blossom, so when emma said that the new single wasn’t going to sound like it i was pretty disappointed but still willing to give it a chance. unfortunately, i’m not feeling it. it struck me as very simple and intrigueless, functional as a song but not offering a lot more than whats on the surface. maybe it will grow on me, but who knows.

thanks for reading!

[madisonrooney]

hi it's your secret santa! first of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! i hope you have a wonderful day! how are you celebrating, if you are at all? safely, i hope! either way i hope you manage to find a way to have a great day full of love!! consider my christmas gift a belated birthday gift as well lol. anyway i loved reading your last answer, it was so thoughtful and sweet. i realized after reading that i barely know anything about dove lol so follow up q: what about dove makes you love her so much?

sorry for the late response! the last couple days have been v busy and ive been super tired and dissociative on top of it so i made a point to save this bc i wanted to give it my full attention!

first of all thank you!! i was going to do a virtual meet and greet with one of my favs from jersey boys but he got confused about timezones so we rescheduled but were doing it next week! then i went to a virtual walt disney family museum panel, had pizza for dinner and watched some liv and maddie, my mom made a cookie cake that we ate while watching the grinch musical, and then some friends and i watched the jersey boys movie together over skype!

im so glad you enjoyed reading my last answer! and oof thats another loaded question (i love it tho)

- like i said when first talking about what drew me to her and liv and maddie, a big thing is just how much passion and love she puts into her characters. ofc she puts passion into every character she plays, but its the passion she puts into characters like liv, maddie, and mal that means the most to me. that goes back to the fact that ive dealt with a lot of negativity directed towards me for enjoying disney channel, and then you have dove out here saying “yah im a teenager/twenty-something who not only respects what theyre doing on disney channel, but puts my all into it” not to mention she even won an emmy for playing liv and maddie in season 4! i hope that passion and talent has started to change the conversation about disney channel, and tbh i think it has at least a bit.  ofc, none of this is to say other people her age acting on disney channel arent talented and passionate, but idk, something about her has always stood out to me. i find her to be more animated and expressive than most. it can be hard for me to read emotions in live action movies and shows, so thats been really important for me. not to mention she was not only playing the lead but TWO lead characters on a four season show with distinct personalities but also subtle similarities. AND the main character in the biggest DCOM franchise in years for 5 years running now. PLUS the fact that there was a period where those were both happening at the same time. she was only 16 when she started all this and hadnt even had any big roles prior to it!! she had a lot of responsibility so it was amazing to see her not only pull it off, but excel at it.

- i just love like....her aesthetic?? shes always seemed to be a very old soul to me, into old jazz music and poetry and stuff like that. its just very charming. and for her to have that aesthetic on top of being a disney channel actress is a fascinating juxtaposition.

- this is kind of sappy and it gets tiring to hear it said over and over again but that doesnt mean it isnt true: i love how transparent she is about her struggles with mental health issues, trauma, and such. she has been for a long time but even more so over the last year or two. no shade to anyone else, but a lot of actors dont really give you a look into their personal lives, they just share and promote their product. im not saying theres anything wrong with that, its good to know what youre comfortable sharing, ive just felt all the more close to her with her being as open as she is, especially as someone who has gone through trauma myself, albeit different from hers.

- kind of connected to that, i love how important spreading kindness, positivity, and love is to her. thats another thing thats been said a million times but still, its very important to me.

for example. she’ll randomly tweet things like “i love you” a lot. im one to always think of the thought process that goes on behind whatever someone posts, texts, etc., bc personally i put a lot of a thought into pretty much anything i say or do before i put it out there publicly, probably bc of my social anxiety. even tho its a simple statement and takes her a couple seconds to post, she still had to have the thought “i want to remind my fans that theyre loved” or something along those lines. and she has this thought FREQUENTLY. to just randomly get a notification every few days or weeks or so of her saying something like that is just very heartwarming to me.

the reason i connected with miley so much when she helped me through my initial trauma was bc it felt like even if no one loved me, she loves her fans, thus she loves me. thus the person i love and admire the most loves me. even if its only one person, it can be enough. it was for me at the time. i feel that same way with dove. when she came into my life, i didn’t feel as unloved, but her love was still helpful to me.

- of course i need to specifically talk about her kindness in person too. dont get me wrong (ive been saying that a lot havent i lol), i totally and completely loved her long before i met her, but naturally, i love her 10x more after the experiences ive had getting to know her in person.

i could go ONNNNNNN about the experiences ive had with her, and i have lol, and if you already heard me ramble about this in the server i apologize, but the most important thing ive taken away from every encounter ive had with her is this: she always goes the extra mile. she always goes out of her way to make people feel special. what i mean by that is she could say/do HALF as much as she has when meeting me and i would still leave over the moon feeling loved. you can tell she does this in excess bc she really truly means it and cares about people like me, she doesnt have any kind of ulterior motive and isnt just going through the motions doing whats asked of her, she simply cares about me and the rest of her fans. some examples - the first time we met, i was sobbing (lol) and she hugged me for a really long time, rocking me back and forth, brushing my hair with her thumb, calling me sweetheart and honey. she even started to tear up a bit herself. - a couple months later, i went to my first liv and maddie taping. i was preparing to reintroduce myself (i looked a little different bc id been cosplaying as maddie the first time i met her) and ofc when preparing myself, i fantasized pretty heavily as i usually do and pictured myself showing her the pic of us on my phone, her gasping, jumping out of her chair screaming, and hugging me, thinking that was probably way more than i was gonna get. that is EXACTLY what happened. then she went on to tell me how my costume made her whole weekend. things like this would continue to happen where i would set the bar impossibly high and not only would she meet it but she’d exceed it. - our usual interaction from there on would start with her face lighting up when she saw me, her calling me some kind of cute name like love or baby, and then hugging me without me even having to initiate it. - when i saw her in mamma mia, i didnt know when id be seeing her again afterwards after pretty consistently getting to see her for 2 years, so i wanted to make sure we got some kind of closure. at the stage door, i reminded her how much she meant to me and just expected like an “aww i love you too” or something back, but she said “you are an angel in my life” and i will never forget that. obvs, i havent told her ALL the details about what she and her characters mean to me but like...she can tell. she can tell if im in a homemade maddie costume sobbing into her arms that theres something there, and shes VERY appreciative of that. - i thankfully got to see her at a meet and greet a few months later and every time i thought i should get going cuz i didnt want to hold the line up, she would just open her arms for another hug. speaking of being appreciative, she even said “thank you for being such a supportive fan.” as i left, i turned around to say one last goodbye. i made sure she wasnt with the next fan yet and yelled out “bye!” and she yelled back “I LOVE YOU!!” and blew me a kiss. again, its the little things. - i saw her at a small panel in new york a few months after that. she walked in the room when the lights were down as they were playing a clip, she quietly waved hi to everyone, then saw me and loudly whispered HI BABY!!! and stopped on her way to the stage to give me a hug. (then she looked at me from the stage and asked which way i thought she should cross her legs for the interview lol) - sometimes when she sees im next in line, shell give me a knowing smile or whisper “hi baby!!” or something like that. she saw me in the crowd after clueless and seemed to make a point to come to me last bc she knew wed be talking for a while, which we did. she even told me she’d seen me in the audience, asking if i was in the front on the left, which i was.

even all that is still just scratching the surface. weve “known” each other for 5 years now and every time i think she’s done the most she can do, she outdoes herself again. not to mention when im at these events, i see her treat all the fans she meets with all of that kindness too. naturally all of this has made me love her all the more.

- finally, lets just be honest here..........................shes REALLY fucking hot.

[dawnowar]

It’s Labor Day

I have today off and no plans and no plans to make any or get any really. I may go look at something. I went and looked at stuff last weekend and it did my soul a lot of good. 

I’ve done a great job doing nothing with nobody so far and I don’t feel like I should blow that now. The rest of America didn’t make it past the first month and just decided to breathe on each other pretty much and get the coronavirus and then people die or whatever.

Looks like the dire predictions all came true but now we are on the other side no one cares unless their Dad died. I seem to know a good amount of people who’s fathers have died. I guess theres all kinds of people of every description dying but my own experience at this moment is seeing posts from people who’s Dads have died.

I suppose i could be less strict since I am not immunocompromised and just go out and do stuff like everyone else. I’m fully aware I am putting these limitations on myself, but truth is that i’d spent the previous year or two scaling back from knowing everyone everywhere all the time and not having any substantive relationships with any of them, because it wasn’t satisfying. And because stuff happened. And when stuff happened to me, I never had any backup. No one ever took my side on anything ever. 

I could go into details but these are beefs I had that are two and three years old now in some cases and even I can’t recall all the specifics, just that people let me down when I needed them. People close to me. Or people i thought were close to me. or people I thought might become close to me. 

Let down by almost everyone more or less. As I said, the specifics are lost and the point has passed on so much of this, and that combined with my work families getting me sick all last Fall, because they dont care if they get me sick or not.... I didnt just shut down my business w coronavirus. I shut down everything.

And it was a relief. and im not sorry for any of it. 

Before coronavirus....I’d pretty much stopped going out and stopped going to see bands unless it was my friends bands. I still have some of those. Had some. I dont know whats what now since im not around. I’m that one girl you see when you go out. So everyone knows me and no one cares about me after they go home.

I’m not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for me. But that’s the reality of my life. Or it has been. With the Covid I’ve taken notice of who has checked on me, asked me to do stuff, kept in touch and who hasn’t. 

It’s not a surprising list.

So I keep to myself because ultimately i think i just want to. 

I’m not in any hurry to get infected with a thing that may or may not kill me or the people I’d spread it to. But i’m also a lot older than most of my friends and I may be ready to hang up my rock and roll lifestyle.

I mean ill always be rock and roll, but I’m old people now and that might be fine too. I don’t know how to act my age. I never did. I’m convinced its a trap. But i’ve only drank 2x since March and I probably didnt need to either time. I’m spending way less money and im enjoying the challenge of living life without bars and clubs and shows.

I’m only just scratching the surface of figuring out what other kind of life I could lead. 

Before Covid I was definitely feeling dissatisfied with my social life, and I wasnt enjoying my work the way I used to and I was starting to think what else I could try next.

Covid-19 lockdown wasn’t even close to any of the ideas I was starting to dream up. Working from home and never going anywhere or doing anything with anybody. But its a change and I needed one of those for sure.

Once i got the work-at-home job, I was able to stop living in survival mode and shift to figuring out how to be comfortable here in my house a lot more than I ever meant to be.

I love my house and it always was a comfortable place for just me to be by myself, so its really just adjusting for this new life where i stay home most of every day. 

Need to get the exercise thing sorted out. I’m having trouble being motivated to walk around the neighborhood anymore since ive seen it and it bores me now. But I’ll figure out something. Its getting cooler now and I think every season poses its own challenges for outdoor exercise. i may never find one thing that always works for me. I may need to constantly change up what im doing. 

Which is a bummer because I love Jazzercise. I’ve done it for years and it’s the only exercise i’ve ever really stuck with.  It’s still happening and I see the instagrams but no fucking way am i going to stand in a small room breathing hard with a bunch of ladies, some of whom support trump and probably are not wearing masks or socially distancing at all. Its safe to assume no one is really at this point in time regardless of their political opinion. I see my liberal atheist friends posting selfies with their friends at parties all gathered together. No one is really doing social distancing anywhere in America as far as I can tell. 

I see infractions constantly which I would outline but I don’t want to be the mask police. I just accept that no one is really doing this. So I’m staying away from everyone till theres a vaccine or a cure or a treatment best I can. 

Which leaves me with outdoor activities.

Never been my thing, and with the summer humidity ive been avoiding all of it. But It’s labor day now and things are cooling off. Truth is that every year when everyone starts putting on flannels and Im still wearing summer clothes because I’m finally comfortable, theres a couple of weeks of what i think is nice weather to take advantage of, so I’m gonna aim to do that.

I don’t know what happens after it gets cold but I’ll figure it out then. Ive always loved outdoor ice skating rinks. Maybe I’ll be able to skate. 

I didn’t get to go on my vacation last year to Chicago because one of the families i worked for got me sick. I meant to skate the ribbon. Maybe i’ll do that this year. 

[fairyharps]

hello!! i just finished kh3 so below are my thoughts. obviously, spoiler warning if you havent finished the game.

first of all...... wow!!!!!!!!!! its real!!!!!!! i held the game in my own hands and played it!!!!!!!!! 12 year old me has been screaming non stop since the release im in a fog of emotion. every time i started up the game and heard that new kh3 rendition of dearly beloved with the ocean waves i just absolutely lost it

however, in the end, i feel mixed. i guess the hype over the years built up to an astronomical amount and while the game was incredibly fun and beautiful and i love seeing the story finally pan out into the finale, in a way it also felt very short? as of writing the first few paragraphs here i have just started san fransokyo, so i havent seen the actual finale, but these are my current thoughts and i will update this as i play. i still feel like there is so much more that is going to happen and ive barely even scratched the surface

theres a lot of new information that got me going WILD. piecing everything together & theorizing is always something i find fun about kingdom hearts since its so unpredictable. in fact i got so into it i had to start taking notes and making diagrams. i love a game that makes me bust out a notebook. (i do this for hm/sos/stardew and acnl as well lmao)

also every single time ienzo came on screen i went absolutely HOG WILD. when he laughed? the little laugh?? his smile?????? just thinking about it now is making me misty eyed fellas i love my boy

the implication that demyx, luxord (was his name always pronounced luke-sord??? i always said luck-sord wtf), and obviously marluxia and larxene's somebodies are from before the keyblade war is out of control!!!! vexen and demyx being double agents for ansem the wise?? ANSEM THE WISE'S REUNION WITH IENZO!!!!!!!!?????????? also zemyx is real sdfjsdlkfjsdlkfsdlkfjsdlkf jk

uHHHHHHH VENTUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BABY MY SONION!!!!!!!! AND AQUA!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO EMOTIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!! im honestly losing my mind everything is coming together aaaaaaaaaaaa literally seeing ventus looking SO BEAUTIFUL is making me lose my mind AND UHH AQUA.... REALIZING SHES IN THE WORLD OF LIGHT...........DAMN U NOMURA FOR MAKING ME FEEL

S-SAIX................................. I LOVE EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!

i felt very mixed about the paopu sharing scene. while i know this ship was always going to be endgame, i really hate how little development it actually gets throughout the Whole Series so instead it feels So forced. that scene is bone dry. the whole time i was wondering why they werent including riku since he was like.. 20 feet away.... like hes your best friend too guys.... i really am unable to understand this scene. like... nomura you KNOW how to write compelling relationships so what happened buddy. woody and buzz had more romantic tension than sora and kairi. also like when she leads him into the light or whatever.. whats the deal

i LOVE kairi but god. can you PLEASE let her do SOMETHING????? CAN I PLAY AS KAIRI??? im so tired of her being reduced to a damsel even when she has a weapon shes supposedly adept with now. she has had like.............. no development. im so sorry this happened to you kairi

im surprised there arent more worlds. i thought there would be the same or a greater number of disney worlds as kh2 but theres actually fewer?? and they feel much longer, or at least some of them do. worlds like the caribbean and toybox felt gigantic and took me forever while corona and monstropolis felt smaller. and some of the worlds you cant even fully explore until after you played through the story????

also im very intrigued about this new female character that keeps getting mentioned vaguely. i suspect there will be some intense retcons put in place abt her since she has NEVER been mentioned before dispite it seeming like shes very important. 

the final world place is very interesting conceptually but like how many times in this series am i going to have to collect soras lmao ALTHO i loved hearing from namine ;_; i miss u sweet girl

also uhh i could write for forever about sora as a character and how complex he is when you actually think abt it. i STILL see ppl saying riku is more interesting as a character but i feel like ppl only look at soras optimistic outlook. sora really keeps his feelings locked up way more than you think he would & not only that but hes so empathetic he ends up tackling everyone else's feelings too.. the idea that he is only powerful or useful because he has friends really hammers in how he says "my friends are my power" like.. every 5 seconds.. god  i love u but pls take a break for a Second. i just want him to go home and hug his mom

-

ok i just finished. like 5 mins ago. im still trying to like.. register what happened. the final act really packed a LOT together. i feel like theres too much to even mention right now. and theres still SO many questions. 

like i said before, i feel mixed. while there was a LOT to like about this game, there was also a lot that i did not like or was confused/put off by. i thought the first like, 2/3 of the game was too long and kind of boring sometimes? i couldnt handle in arendelle how they included the songs.. i get why they did it but it was NOT for me. the disney worlds kind of dragged on and, outside of the story connections to the finale, felt a little pointless. nothing happened other than the org popped in to egg on sora and then left. and the final act went by SO QUICKLY i didnt feel like there was enough time to register all the shit that was happening. also i fucking HATE how after everything, kairi was reduced to a damsel YET AGAIN. are you KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!! everything she does is off-screen and her "death" acts as a motivation for sora which is the worst way to do things like what the fuck

i personally really liked the game, even if parts were not as i initially expected. there was a lot of hype surrounding this game, but i think for what it was, it was as enjoyable to play as any kh game, and it delivered a lot of emotions, answered a few questions, created more questions, and wrapped up the dark seeker saga pretty nicely while still leaving room for future stories to be told. and BOY do i have some questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

people who dont like how convoluted, dramatic, weird,  tropey  or heavily-retconned the plot is might think its bad. but ppl have thought kh in general is bad for those reasons for years anyway. honestly while these are all things that i can understand and empathize with, in the end for me its about how it makes me feel rather than like, how well it follows storytelling rules? and it sure made me feel a Lot. like im saying this as a long-time superfan so lmao

anyway i cried a lot for a very long time about the following: old man yaoi, ventus and roxas being in the same shot, how everyone looks rendered in beautiful next-gen hd, lea isa  and xions new outfits, namixi date, uhhh seasalt trio finally got to go to the beach together, namine being ALIVE, all the shit everyone said after i beat them in the labrynth, how often everyone cried in this game, sora uhhh not existing??? what happened????? is this what the next game is going to be about??? 

THANKS NOMURA FOR MY FUCKING LIFE????????

[westmeath]

i'm new to the who, all i've listened to is quadrophenia and the odd song here & there off other albums. i know the most basic basics but other than that ? nothing. so what are some fun facts? interesting stories? important things fans should know? idk tell me what you'd say to a new fan

WHOOPS MY APOLOGIES I didnt see this till now, thank you so much for your ask!!! I’ll put this under a read more cause itll probably end up being very long, I hope I can get you more interested in them

its good youve listened to that much even, i hadnt listened to ANYTHING when i first got into them except like, the Iconic Songs (who are you, baba o riley, my generation, wont get fooled again, and id never even listened to those purposely i only knew em from just general knowledge), it actually took me quite a while to listen to their actual music cause i was more interested in the story of the band and its members for the first while

theyre one of the bands with the most interesting stories so i hope i can get you as interested in that aspect of them as i was when i first got into them (and still am, i go mad for any new stories i can hear about em, and love hearing different perspectives of stories ive heard before)

this is goin to be an utter mess i apologise, there are MANY many interesting stories but some off the top of my head are uh… well theres the iconic keith moons 21st birthday where he allegedly drove a lincoln continental into the swimming pool (this turned out to be a story keith made up though just for shock value)

that party was still amazing though, keith had actually left early cause hed chipped his tooth and was at some emergency dentist, it was mostly the rest of the guests at the party that wreaked havoc, eg just trashing the place, spraying fire extinguishers over cars in the car park that stripped all their paint, fairly sure it didnt end till the guards were called

i actually dont think any of the who were involved after keith left at all. john had gone with keith to the dentist, pete had gone to bed, not sure what roger was up to honestly but probably something the same as pete, despite this the who were Allegedly banned from holiday inns for life (but from what ive heard stayed in another one the next week and numerous times after)

heres another interesting story about him thats a bit lesser known, ill link it cause ive posted it before and also to save space

thinking about it, most stories that are widely told are to do with keith.. hes definitely the most interesting member of the band, in the words of uh. Many People hes just like no one else youve ever met, a very interesting character.. hes probably the main force behind my interest in the who in the beginning, i loved learning about his life the most (although that said i havent got a ‘favourite member’ of the band, i think theyre all incredibly cool and interesting and i love learning about all of them)

SORRY THIS IS already getting really long and i havent even scratched the surface… ill just say like, the whole band is full of really interesting characters, and its really interesting learning about all of them… like keith just for being absolutely different from everyone else, how above it all he really just did all his Wild Antics to make people laugh and be happy, seemingly at the cost of his own mental health (its believed he had bpd, and also obviously struggled with alcohol abuse and drugs too) (its more complicated than that though obviously but there is already a whole book delving into that subject and i fucking adore it if you want to read it, its called dear boy: the life of keith moon)

petes also incredibly interesting cause he was like.. the driving force of the band i suppose youd say. wrote (mostly) all the songs, came up with the stories behind tommy and quadrophenia (and lifehouse, which was so complicated no one could understand it, leading to him eventually having a breakdown and having to scrap the project, the songs on it eventually became whos next) its also really interesting (and quite sad) learning about his childhood and also his own struggles with mental health/alcohol (and drugs, hard drugs moreso in the 80s)

ill admit straight away that i dont know much about roger compared to the other members of the band, but hes interesting in his own way as well like, hes almost the complete opposite of the other members of the band in terms of alcohol/drug abuse, i dont think he ever went near drugs (except for a while in the early 60s, i believe), im not sure how he was with the drink but nowhere near as bad as the rest of the band probably. i know my dad likes him a lot cause hes a farmer (bought his farm in the early 70s with the wealth brought by the tommy album) which is something i can admire too seeing as im also a farmer although on a much smaller scale. hes also seemingly a really nice person (despite his love for a good punch up, in the early who days at least.) like hes very down to earth, working class, not all high and mighty like.. just very nice to listen to. would be excellent for a chat.

and johns interesting just cause hes a complete fucking mystery. according to pete he had no addictions except like. shopping.. he was called the “quiet one” even though he was far from it, just probably didnt really run his mouth (hardly ever spoke on stage but when he did it was always fantastic. eg him telling the crowd to “shuddup” in a death growl when theyre chanting for bell boy before a live recording of behind blue eyes) also he was probably the closest member to keith, went clubbing with him (a quote from keith is “I go to clubs with John. He’s big,”) a lot and often joined in with him when he was smashing up/exploding bits of hotel. also in terms of being an utter mystery like, theres not an awful lot known about his life, for example apparently he was a freemason “all his life” and pete never found out till after he died

i am so sorry this is TERRIBLY terribly long but listen i could go on about this even longer. ill stop now though cause its confusing enough already… please though if youve any questions about specifics or the likes please feel free to send more asks OR IF YOUD LIKE YOU CAN MESSAGE ME!!! id love to have a proper 1on1 convo where you can ask all the questions your heart desires and stop me if theres something youd like me to expand on and the likes. id absolutely love that

THAT GOES FOR ANYONE ELSE INTERESTED TOO!!! i fuckin love talking about the who and itd be fantastic to put my knowledge to use (and maybe learn a thing or too as well.) like either through tumblr messenger is grand (although i mightnt notice it for a while) or you can grab my skype or discord or somethin. even the messenger on twitter. my skype is fruity-pear, my discord is kaisuke#1387 and my public twitter is jjughead_ or my personal/friends one is kkaisuke

as a last thing for the “important things fans should know” UHH LIKE new fans id say like… if youre getting really deep into the story of the who be prepared cause theres a lot of bad stuff, sad stories as well as good ones. the band members all did some bad things like any other human, had bad things happen to them, like this is Real Life Shit and theres no sugar coating it, it really is worth it to learn about the band though and even the bad stuff is interesting to learn about, from an outsiders view

thank you again so so much and i apologise again for how long this is, i dont blame you if you dont read it all. i hope this is of some use to you though (or to anyone else) and that it makes you want to learn more about them

[briinleyisms]

LMAO HEY MTV IT’S MARCY WELCOME 2 MY CRIB

“LMAO” AKA “ ( x ) ( x ) ( x ) #squadgoals”

ok so lowkey have had this muse for like ten years (ive been rping since i was seven fucking beat me) but every rp i bring her 2??? drops after like??? five days likE LISTEN THAT IS NOT HOW U RUN A RP LISTEN!!! UP!!! PUT UR BACK INTO IT!!!

anyhoW ok unlike ivan since i was still figuring out his bg w rosie when i posted his ‘intro’ i actually got brinley figured out and there’s a long version and a short version. imma put the tl;dr up here ok bc the non-tl;dr is overwhelming. personality is like.... toTALLY POINTLESS WHO CARES ABT PERSONALITY but it’s at the bottom i guess :\

TL;DR:

ok basically she was born into a death cult in aliso viejo, california (tbh i just looked up rural places in ca and chose the most recently established one i could find lmao) called ‘the children of the revelation’ bc im extra. lots of fear-mongering revolving around the idea of The End of Days™. leader was a total prophet and totally abused his prophet power. planned out ritual for end of days was lowkey highkey terrifying (‘let’s go die in the river of miracles’!!!!!! [too extra help me]) and one of the ‘apostles’ was like ‘i quit’ and left iN THE DEAD OF NIGHT!!! and lowkey basically kidnapped a few ppl including BUT NOT LIMITED TO brinley and they wound up in hillsboro and ‘apostle luke’ eventually left and now she’s in the oikos house. fin.

also sik tattooz bro.

ACTUAL VERSION THAT IS LONG(ER):

TW: cult (ofc), death, violence

firST it’s of note that i considered being rly fucking extra by putting quotations around her name bc her birth name is genesis like the book of revelations which brings me 2

my Extra™ title for this cult: “The Children of the Revelation”

so it was like a commune located in some place in CA that’s apparently rural and has only recently been established called ‘aliso viejo’ and lmao watch one of yall live there

but yeAH OK commune not just a church like the church of scientology like full on “u chose this life time 2 prove ur dedication”

alright so just full disclosure that i really really want to get this right and i know no one who has ever been in a cult (let alone a death cult) and i myself have not (as is likely expected) so i have already done research but i plan on doing like 100x more since this is a really serious subject. serious to the point that i’m not even using text slang (although i will when i get on with the intro post i just gotta).

anyhoW w that info out of the way time 2 get 2 the actual like point of the cult

first of all her mom joined the cult before she was born (ofc) and she was the gift!!! between her mom and one of the leader’s ‘apostles’!!!

so!!! 

basically: “lmao ur not leviticus enough 4 us.” (probs their slogan)

ok but obviously that’s scratching the surface like the real fuckery lied w/in two thing:

literal death cult (will get to that)

also doomsday cult

which sometimes go hand-in-hand anyhow

ok so the doomsday thing is what was more prominent in her life since she was 16 when she #escaped and never rly disobeyed (so many things 2 get 2!!!)

the leader’s name was ezekiel (cheever this is actually salem circa 1690) and he perceived himself as a prophet and naturally.... had prophecies. one of the most prominent ones was that the rapture would occur at 11:59PM on December 24th, 2011 (take away four days and add a year and u got the end of the world according 2 misconceptions abt the mayan calendar!)

the idea was that if u obeyed what ezekiel told u 2 do (he believed he was the fourth reincarnation of christ) u would end up going 2 heaven on judgment day but if u disobeyed...... yikes.

it depended on the magnitude of the ‘crime’ but for the most part if u disobeyed more than two times u were killed. u were hung or drowned and u were made an example of.

if u disobeyed less than two times and ur ‘offense’ wasnt worthy of immediate death dw!!! u can scrape by w torture!!! and also be made an example of!!!

so basically u were at ezekiel’s beck and call. every little bit of labor he asked u 2 do was like.......... if u didnt do it yiKES!!! ofc children werent expected 2 perform any laborious tasks rather just 2 listen and take in everything ezekiel and his apostles told them.

his ‘apostles’ who (as u can infer) served as his right-hand men were the fathers 2 all the children who would be born inside the cult. they kept ppl in line. they taught the kids when ezekiel was busy. those sorta things u kno???

ok so imma skip over some of the details that are like.... worse??? like theyre all bad but like these are the things i j feel like shouldnt be brought up in an intro post but theyre in the hella long rough-draft bio here that i went ahead and put up for this purpose rly

SO THAT BEING SAID THIS WAS SORTA A WAY 2 SHOW THE SORTA ENVIRONMENT SHE WAS RAISED IN AND IT SOUNDS FUN AND I WOULD LOVE 2 BE A PART OF IT.

so ok imma try 2 make this next part go quicker

basically the ‘judgment day’ was closing in and ezekiel’s plans were rly like no thank u ( (TW: SUICIDE) ’hey guys! 2 make sure we get into heaven not only do u have 2 follow all of my commands since im jesus’s fourth reincarnation but we all also have 2 walk into a river with rocks in our pockets at the time the world is supposed 2 scorch with hell’s fire!’ (END TW) fun christmas activities for u and ur bae.

as it started closing in it was basically all ezekiel talked abt during his ‘sermons’ like wtf??? what a church service.

‘apostle luke’ (i hate myself) was like “ok..... ok the more u talk abt this the less believable it sounds..... like wtf jesus’s fourth reincarnation??? pics or it didnt happen.” and after some months he wound up concocting this plan 2 #escape bc honestly??? 

so he eventually eSCAPED in the deAD OF NIGHT and basically kidnapped ppl like ok sure luke

one of said ppl was brinley which i kno is unexpected. (honestly i think this is like??? maybe the third time i brought her up in all of these bullets??? honestly @me

“wAS NOT WILLING 2 GO!!! WAS NOT HAPPY 2 GO!!! WAS NOT READY 2 GO!!! NEEDS SOMEONE 2 FOLLOW!!! DOES NOT KNO WHAT 2 DO!!! DOES NOT APPRECIATE THIS!!! IS SHOOK!!!” - everyone luke fucking kidnapped then basically had 2 serve as a stand-in ezekiel for

they ended up in hillsboro after like 84 years and he was like “OK EVERYONE GETS NEW NAMES!!! :D” and tbh he probs just pulled out one of those baby books pointed 2 a random name and bam!!! that was their name

so even tho i’ve been calling her brinley this whole time just 2 make it??? not confusing??? genesis became brinley and she was no longer a book of revelations she is apparently a name that’s most prominent in utah

over time ppl pce’d out (not rly bc they wanted 2 but bc they needed 2 like u get what i mean.)

it ended up j being three ppl in their shitty apt!!! one luke one brinley and one kid who has a name but 1) i havent mentioned it yet and 2) i dont want 2 go look for it in the bio tbh

doomsday came and brinley was shook!!! rly rly shook!!! trying 2 find out what 2 do that would be similar enough 2 what thE CHILDREN of the corn would do!!! and luke was like ( x )

a lot more climatic than im acting like it was but this is so long i dont want 2 spend too much time on anything anymore but ok minor point is homemade inkin’ machine (legit mainly bc ryan ashley -dave navarro voice- [has/had] what it takes... to be ink master. -end voice-)

ok luke left eventually and idk so did the kid idk that’s in there and at first she was like “lmao idk what 2 do ig imma squat [man ivan and brinley #parallels] and keep doin what im doin” and she did and ok

aFTER ALL OF THIS OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WRITE she wound up w the oikos (bc honestly u can only squat for so long and who the fuck would be like “yes! i would like 2 be inked by a kid on the street who doesnt rly have anywhere 2 put anything! yes!” [i would be like that #exposed]) and is now somewhere where ppl dont think the world will end soon wtf

personality but who cares abt that:

WOW THAT WAS LONG

ok!!! so i never rly had a clear definition of her personality i just like... waited 2 see (BEFORE THE RP CLOSED FUCK THAT) but then i watched a long-ass chipotle commercial (theres this one part where a cow is basically abt 2 be slaughtered and idk it’s so sad it was rly playin up that pathos i wanted 2 cry) and i was suddenly like!!! a lightbulb!!! “aha!!! basically fiona apple’s cover of ‘pure imagination’”

SO 2 GET ON W THAT

it’s been five years since she escaped and started desocializing from that lyf she knew but like............ five years compared 2 sixteen i mean which one’s gonna weigh the other out tbh (i just typed ‘way’ i cannot believe myself pls send me back 2 first grade)

so ok literally LITERALLY it is this song like im tryna think of how 2 explain it???

like the lyrics of it are (u kno willy wonka) v bright (albeit a bit ??? during that spin part) but the bg in fiona apple’s cover is so??? dark??? and honestly fiona apple’s voice just makes everything seem darker (i love fiona apple shes such a queen)

so it’s a v contradicting song

and she has a v contradicting personality

like ok one big thing that fits this contradiction is she feels like she needs someone 2 follow??? since that’s how it’s been almost all of her life??? (come 2 think of it i wouldnt be surprised w my subconscious if that’s the reason she’s still in the oikos house [asides from jobless but]) but at the same time like??? she WANTS 2 be independent??? she WANTS 2 be able 2 build a life for herself and around herself and not someone else but??? it just doesnt work that way???

MORE CONTRADICTION!!! bc of that whole ‘death/doomsday cult’ thing she is a p paranoid person??? but??? at the same time??? c h i l l ??? i mean in any case shes always gonna be lowkey paranoid but she doesnt??? rly act that way most of the time??? this could also be filed under “very curious about the norms of this brand new society but also very wary and prefers 2 Not™”

MORE!!! lmao ok religion idek what 2 do here honestly it’s so fucked. she knoWS IT’S SO FUCKED IT’S SO FUCKKING FUCKED but 16/21 years like??? v hard 2 get over that??? buT IT’S SO FUCKED. like no hate no discriminate (speaking of no discriminate highkey bi i love wlw) but also “everyone is a sinner and so am i we are living in sin we are going 2 burn it is only a matter of time satan where u @???” so like??? scared and wary??? but also??? fucked.

A LOT OF FUCKING FUCKERY. 

A FIONA APPLE SONG.

THANK U AND GOODNIGHT

if u would like 2 plot pls do feel free 2 like this or hmu

and if u actually READ that all then holy shit ur a saint u would make it 2 heaven on rapture day