#and im gonna be even more isolated this summer since im working 2 jobs

[raccoonfagdyke]

I just wish people liked being around me

[madisonrooney]

been getting more and more emotionally and socially drained by work. ik people on here joke a lot about like “i hate being perceived and seen and known” and all that but i honestly have felt that way a lot of my life, and when you work in retail, youre constantly in view and being watched yknow? 

sure i went to school for a big chunk of my life but at least in college when the mental illness really started fleshing out, i could just hide in the back of the class on my computer and an entire semester would go by without my classmates learning pretty much anything about me. now its not only customers but coworkers, youll say some embarrassing shit, which isnt uncommon when youre there as many hours as you are since you start to get rambly, and you cant just shrug it off bc guess what youll see them again tomorrow and the next day and the next day...

ive already had to leave early bc of panic attacks on two different occasions. ive already cried while out on the floor. ive already cried in front of multiple leads and managers. and again, you have to face them again and god its humiliating. 

i just constantly find myself needing time in complete isolation and silence to recuperate, but not having much of it. typically, i only have 2-3 hours after i get home to do anything before i go to bed, and it usually takes me that much time just to catch up on my social media. even if i forgo that for a night, with my attention span, i still cant get much of anything done.

plus im typically busy on any and all of my days off

i just. would really love to have like a week where i just do not have to be seen by a single other person, or at least my public outings can be anonymous like shopping or something. i feel my best on days like that. during quarantine, i honestly had no problem not seeing anyone else besides my parents for more than a year. if anything, i got sick of my parents lol. id spend months on end on my own and dont remember having much of a problem at all with it. sure, id want to remotely hang out with friends, but that would feel more comfortable bc i didnt necesarilly have to be on camera and i could end it whenever i wanted to. i remember going 13 days without setting foot out of my front door and i honestly loved it.

anyway im getting off topic. going back to the matter at hand, i guess my brain is just trained to think that im gonna get a “summer break” at some point but i wont. i feel like i need something like that but idk if i can get it. even if i had my own events going on, it would be nice to have a few days in between where i just had nothing going on, which is what my summers used to be like.

bottom line is this doesnt have to do with my job specifically, its just jobs like this in general. i think in serious enough cases, im good at not just taking what i get but getting what i want out of a situation and i would say thats the case here. im not complaining bc i should have a different job and just dont feel like getting one, im complaining bc capitalism is just inherently like this. my job checks all the main boxes for me: i get pretty much all the days off that i want, the hours are late so it works with my whack sleep schedule, and its not a creative job where theres work to take home, it ends at a certain hour and then you dont have to think about it until you come back, which is p much necessary for my ocd. anything beyond those three factors matters much less. so yah, its the best i can get all things considered, but it still has its issues.

the one potential thing that could get me less social interaction would be training to work in the back, but i mean id still have to socialize with coworkers, plus ive heard you kinda make your own schedule back there so haha thats a no go for my ocd. it also seems too physical for me.

[hshouse]

Umm so I think we might be going into the same field but like i just started grad school a month ago and I'm struggling so fcking hard keeping up with all the work (my adhd meds are NOT doing the job i need them to be doing) and socially i have not clicked with ANYONE and I feel so intimidated and isolated and I know I stick out not talking to anyone bc EVERYONE in my section is always talking to someone and people have already started forming groups and made friends but I just dont know how to I guess??? Idk but I feel like im 8 years old again with no friends which is a bizarre fucking feeling to have at 23. But like its BAD and I can't even speak up in the classes that don't cold call and ask for volunteers even though I want to do well so badly bc I feel so fucking small amongst all these people. I just kind of completely shut down as soon as I walked into the first day of orientation and haven't recovered from that.

And like I'm so fucking scared to start working bc even though i took two years off from undergrad I'm so burnt out already and jumping straight into the corporate world seems terrifying for my mental health (and general health tbh) but like going into PI isn't really an option bc if I'm going to go through with this I NEED to be making money to make it worth it and I guess what I'm trying to ask is like does this shit actually get better??? bc I'm highkey spiraling and have been since I started school and I honestly don't know if I'd be better off dropping out and going back to teaching even though I'll be absolutely broke and living at home for the foreseeable future or if I should just stick it out and be able to afford to support my parents and fucking take my siblings to disneyland for the first time. Like i knew this was gonna be hard but I guess it's just hitting me actually being here how fucking miserable I am and just I dont know. Sorry for dumping all this on you 😬 I guess I'm just wondering if you have any advice? Like I'm so scared I'm not gonna make it, like I'm not cut out for this field and am just gonna get absolutely crushed by it. And like I know that on paper I'm fucking smart af and definitely deserve to be here, like I'm at a fucking ivy league rn, they wouldn't let me in if they didn't think I'd make it. I just am finding it very hard to believe that I'm actually going to have a successful career if I'm struggling this bad at the very start.

Also idk how tf you went to school in a completely different country, like MAJOR props to you bc that must have been SO fucking hard. I'm struggling with moving across the country to a state where I know absolutely no one, but at least I know one of my siblings is an hour flight away and the rest of my family/friends are an 8 hr flight away. You should be VERY proud of yourself (I'm sure you are) bc I've only been in grad school for a month and this shit is SO HARD to handle and like fuck you're almost done with it and about to start your career and that shit is fucking AMAZING and BADASS and I genuinely wish you all the fucking success in your future

Hi bby,

Oh we are definitely doing the same thing. Thank you for the wonderful compliments, I really really appreciate it. And congrats on getting in!

I’m sure you know that this is the hardest year. It also has NO no NOOO bearing on your talent for the job. First thing they tell you at the job orientation is “nothing you learned in grad school will be useful here.” Shdjsh it’s a completely different thing that is muuuuuch more enjoyable than the boring ass stuff you are learning rn. For me it felt very much like year 1 is one program and years 2&3 are a totally different thing. Once you get your job during summer 1, all bets are off lmao. You just need to finish the thing. So really the pressure is only for 1 year. So that helps with the mindset of like “I only need to get to May.” In terms of getting the job, I have to be honest: they only care about your school. I had straight Bs and got like a major one. On the first group of the rank if you know what I mean. So go into knowing that you WILL get an offer and most likely many. I always tell people that getting into the school is the last real hurdle. Now, you just ride the wave. Once you get the job you will really feel like it’s done.

About the job itself, there is genuinely no better job out there. Yes it is a shit show in terms of commitment and amount of work but it is absolutely disproportionally well compensated. Like in a bizarre way. You will not get fired (unless you like assault a person etc). So you have this job kind of for life? It’s extremely secure. Do not get intimidated by it. It’s mostly you alone on your computer lmao it’s lit. You are so close to this DO NOT drop out. It is worth it. The money will change your family’s life. It will change your life for ever. Even if you leave at one point.

You are the same age I was and I get the vibe. It’s annoying but *none of it matters*. I just treat it like its drivers ed lmao. I’m there to be able to do the thing. I don’t care about yall wihdishshs. Speaking in class is meaningless and getting it wrong is like whatever. Do you care when ppl get it wrong? I barely notice it. So I think shifting your mindset from “this is undergrad 2.0” to “this is a prep course I am in and out of here” really helped me. I felt very alone during year 1. But as soon as year 2 starts everyone gets shuffled around so that cliquey feeling goes away massively.

I hope this helps! Pls come back if you have more questions as you move through the stages. But I promise you, you are in the worst part of it. Hang in there!!!!!

[staliasjeronica]

Riverdale 3.02 Thoughts *Spoilers*

- poor Archie... BUT OMG FALICE YESSSS “This feels right doesn’t it?” That’s because it is right ❤️❤️

- Bughead... is cuddling/probably had sex... in Dilton’s bunker? I don’t like kink shaming but uhhhhh their kink is... 😬😬😬

- YES MR. ANDREWS QUESTION EVERYTHING!!! Let Archie see his dad, his two friends have already abandoned him smh but if it’s been three weeks... Archie has been in isolation for three weeks? Bby 😭😭😭

- Awww, V... and although I’m still bitter about Betty being a total bitch and not apologizing to Veronica, I’m glad they’re friends again. Now we just need Jughead and Archie to do the same since it’s always just been the couples who hang out together. ALSO V has a dress code, and imagining Sweet Pea and Fangs in it makes me wanna cry mY SWEET PRECIOUS BABIES

- Jughead: “of course we’re calling it a speakeasy” ummm tf you mean??? That’s because it IS a speakeasy? Jughead is your random hate (or secret love) for Veronica showing? I can’t tell.

- JOSIE AND KEVIN. JOSIE AND KEVIN. JOSIE AND KEVIN. JOSIE AND KEVIN. JOSIE AND KEVIN. JOSIE AND KEVIN. JOSIE AND KEVIN. JOSIE AND KEVIN.

- 6-4-2 as the password for the speakeasy? I wonder if it means something. And if Stonewall was close enough... what is the actual password?

- REGGIE!!!! The speakeasy looks fucking amazing. I’m speechless!!! Also Veronica and Reggie bitchessss yeahhhhh!!!! If she hired Sweet Pea and Fangs to serve drinks I’ll scream because I love them with my whole being and if they can finally have a job that gives them money, then it’s different than doing crimes and ultimately a better situation for them. Plus I’ve done this in my Sweet Pea story so it’s cool to see me doing something right lolol but ooh mocktails that’s nice I’m glad we’re not gonna delve more into an unrealistic Riverdale

- VERONICA’S FACE AT REGGIE WHEN HE SAYS “NOT YET” IM

- AWWW JOSIE IS SO FUCKING CUTE (also Reggie we see that proud smile you cute fuck) SHE’S SO FUCKING HAPPY TO HAVE A PLACE TO FIND HERSELF AND HER SINGING. So hopefully we get apologies for what happened last season with the milkshake and horrible poster... STILL I can’t wait to see this friendship grow because it BETTER if she’s gonna be singing at La Bonne Nuit

- Kevin bby!!! “As long as I can sing every now and then” I fucking love this so much? It’s funny how this is muchhhhhhhh more exciting and entertaining than the stupid cult/farm story... probably because Betty isn’t a part of it (because we all been knew she’s injected into every fucking plot and it’s so annoying and unneeded)

- Penny... get the fuck out of here. Just... no. You came here looking to give her protection? Well then leave bc she has the Serpents ❤️❤️ they love her for giving them a safe haven now that her father took over The Whyte Wyrm. Also I just realized that they covered Penny’s Serpent decal on the back with a Ghoulie one... so they DO have a decal on the back of their coats or whatever but we have never seen them until now.

- NO JOAQUIN!!! LEAVE HIM ALONE. I’ll jailbreak him myself you leave that precious serpent alone!!!!!!!!!

- but what the actual FUCK is the point of this stupid prisoner fighting? Like??? Why can’t anyone be what they actually are? Poor Archie, being once again manipulated into doing what other people want. Please tell Joaquin what he did for him so they can become closer because I just... This is BULL FUCKING SHIT... also Baby Teeth looks a lot like Dane DeHaan lmao

- CHERONI (idk their ot3 name of Cheryl, Toni, and Veronica lol) ALL TOGETHER WOW!!! PRESIDENT BLOSSOM AND FIRST LADY TOPAZ!!!! I don’t care if that’s just because of the recent presidency issue that Veronica gave to Cheryl, I fucking love it and I am HERE for it! “And Sweet Pea and Fangs should definitely be in attendance” I have died. Goodbye. Sweet Pea and Fangs NEED to know that she specifically asked for them okay bye

- wow that was a lot of time without seeing Bughead and it was fucking refreshing. “Evelyn was helping me, she visited me in the hospital.” “Was that her idea, or her dad’s?” See Betty... this is why no one likes you because when someone is in need you skip directly to your agenda (when Cheryl faced her father as the black hood and Betty immediately asked if it was her father instead of asking if she was alright like a normal person). Oddly how do Jughead and Ethel have more chemistry than Betty and Jughead? Also “but just you” after she side-eyes Betty I’m living. OMG “sorry, Betty, but you’ll never be worthy no matter how hard you try” it’s like Ethel is one of us omfg she just fucking obliterated Betty!!! I bet you Shannon is being bullied about this episode too smh 🙄🙄🙄 but I’m surprised Betty didn’t go into unneeded bitch mode on Ethel mmhm... “and I’m in need of some series peer support” IF ONLY YOU WOULD ACTUALLY GET HELP! But you know that if you did they would tell you that you and jug are too co-dependent and need to break up

- SHIRTLESS REGGIE FUCK YEAH THANKS VERONICA! “Reginald” fuck me up mami!! Omfg no Penny get your disgusting Jingle Jangle away from this amazing, non-criminal establishment!!! Of COURSE Sheriff Minetta... but if Reggie is used to selling it surely he knows a way to hide it. Of course not that much but... he should be quick at thinking of getting rid of it, right? Why didn’t V show him around Pop’s first? Like we know she was set up to get caught but like... it would stall

- Sheriff Minetta is making it 2000% obvious that he’s looking through the boxes he knows is filled with Jingle Jangle... like at least don’t act like you’re working for Hiram lmao Jesus you suck. BUT OMG REGGIE’S SARCASTIC ASS SALUTE WHEN HE’S LEAVING I FUCKING LOVE THAT

- If the empty classroom means the “farm needs some time to catch on” then why the everloving fuck would you waste money on pizza, let alone three boxes of pizza?

- poor Archie... but wouldn’t you want to treat your “tapped” well? So that you can bet on them? Jesus Christ fuck OFF! When Veronica Lodge hears about this... shit will go down. Archie knocked that guy down in two hits holy fuck. ARCHIE GETS POP’S AND SHARES IT WHAT AN ARCHIE THING AWWW

- CHONI BEING CUTE GIRLFRIENDS!!! CHERYL LAUHING!!! PHOTOGRAPGER!TONI!!!!!! CHERONI But I honestly don’t know how I feel about “Serpettes” but since it came out of Veronica’s mouth... suddenly I am in love with it. Cheryl Blossom in the king’s throne... we know who truly deserves to rule over the Serpents 👑❤️ That look between Toni and Veronica hell yeah! Honestly please get into a three-way relationship. In Sense8 they did that and it was the greatest thing — EVERYBODY loved it. Let’s do that here please! “Antoinette” bitch I’m dead

- this team up is so fucking great. Of COURSE Sweet Pea and Fangs we’re right, they’re the (true) KINGS.

- If there are certain levels you need to “attain” to meet a leader... you’re in a fucking cult people. Also then why didn’t Evelyn say anything? And Betty’s face is all like “you traitorous bitch” when she finds out lol.

- They know everything Betty has done? Umm why the FUCK don’t you tell Jughead since that’s the only way he ever finds shit out about Betty? He needs to know that she fucking cheated on him? I mean the cult is creepy af but if they tell Jughead (even though they said they keep everyone’s secrets) he couldn’t possible stay with her... right?

- LMAO JUGHEAD HAS TO KISS ETHEL. But honestly... why does that kiss seem to have more in it than when he kisses Betty? ☠️☠️☠️ it’s probably bc I hate Bughead (and dislike Betty a lot) but still... I feel nothing for this pairing as well but I just find it funny that he has kissed two girls while he’s dared Betty (but both are a part of a game). Oh Ethel tried to kill herself after kissing Jughead... Jesus I know it’s Jughead but come on... also does that mean she could have possibly killed Jughead??? Like??? Imagine how that would have been — instead of dying for the Serpents he died because he was trying to figure out gryphons and gargoyles.

- VERONICA CONFRONTING AND STANDING UP AGAINST HER FATHER FUCK YEAH!!! But Ronnie even if you do have copies... TAKE THEM WITH YOU SO HE CAN’T DO ANYTHING. Your dad is, sadly, smart. You know this.

- aww Archie... HE’S IMAGINING HIS DAD I’M

- damn Betty looks fucking good for the opening of V’s speakeasy! For a sec I thought she was wearing her serpent jacket (😷😷) but turns out it’s just a robe but her hair is bomb. “I trust them more than I trust you, Betty” wow everyone’s attacking Betty lol like I get it bc it’s Betty but damn Alice...

- Reggie is a SNACC bye. CHONI REALLY DID THAT COOL HOT HAND HOLD HUH!!!! V really called Choni her favorite power couple... I’m also gonna take that as low-key shade for Bughead because we all been knew that anyone Choni, and anyone Veronica is with is much better. “THANKS BABE” wow fuck me upppppp Cheryl!!!!

- lol Jughead the manual will probably be gone by tonight bc of plot convenience (also Betty does look good uGH YAS) But Betty your attempt to be cute with Jug isn’t working bc that fresh aid isn’t gonna come off. You should know this???

- SWEETVEE BITCH. I don’t care what they were doing I love the hand touch, bye. Like I know she was PROBABLY asking about protection or something but yes fuck me up! But veggie thooo

- Hiram we don’t want your probably-wired picture of Veronica from your office. “If only you could see how a legitimate business is run” YES BITCHHH. But don’t let him in!!! VERONICA WHY? I know you probably secretly crave his approval and shit but NO NO NO NO NO

- SWEET PEA’S HOLLER FOR JOSIE! God he’s so into her but she only wants a summer fling 😭😭😭 even thoufh she apparenly has a romance later, which means it’ll be during school and therefor, probably going to hurt Sweet Pea 😭😭😭

- also SWEET PEA AND FANGS WITH THOSE FANCY ASS CLOTHES. They own me bye

- Josie YES we love a queen (and Archie baby... you’re such a sweet person for thinking of everyone but yourself first and I admire it bc same but what is your endgame?) Sweet Pea must be internally screaming at Josie’s movements and the song itself bc I know I am.

- oh no I really hope my theory that Archie breaks up with V bc all of thinks about is Hiram isn’t true... but Archie you could have held onto those glass pieces what the FUCK

- Archie destroying the entire cell is also same because when I get angry I legit turn into the hulk and throw shit around... oh damn mad dog! He hid a weapon, I miss Wells Jaha xD what a smart fucker

- wow it’s almost like I knew exactly that someone would find the manual. Of course I didn’t really expect FP and Alice (Betty didn’t say where it was hidden though, but then again their kids are stupid enough to hide it at Jug’s place) Jesus FP don’t hold Jughead like that

- Betty??? “Why are you here, what are you hiding” why tf do you think

- how about everyone comes clean, Betty? You’re the child so literally stop acting like you’re superior

- I just realized how good Jug looked in that tux. Him with Veronica in that purple dress? Would be so fucking bomb

- Why is she still staying with Hiram? Like because of their feud you’d expect her to leave? Like Fred would probably love the company, or Cheryl. Get away from that manipulative fuckhead!

- PEEP JOAQUIN IN THE BACKGROUND. Baby, his arm 😭😭😭

- Archie wouldn’t escaping be bad? Like yeah you’d get out but you’d also be a fugitive? And watch, if it does happen, it’ll be right before someone magically finds a way to get him out.

- PEEP JOAQUIN AS A WHOLE SHOT AND HIS FUCKING EYE NOOO

- but now Kevin will have more reason not to be with him if Joaquin is a fugitive 😭😭😭 I just want Mevin to die off and Joavin to rise is that so much to ask??? However I am here for this Archie/Joaquin friendship

- BETTY AND JUG WHY ARE YOU IN THE BUNKER AGAIN?! Jesus Christ, ew... stop.

- Jug... being you, you should know it’s not over. Especially with how things go? Jesus...

- CHERYL YOU’RE NOT DUMB ENOUGH TO READ THAT. We all know Cheryl would look at it with wonder, read the title, and throw it away.

- also just because people have a manual for some random ass game doesn’t mean they’re gonna play it.

- Ethel’s worshipping that little bitch but she tried to kill herself for him... shouldn’t he be mad at her for failing since Jug saved her? How your loyalty to him works is so confusing ugh

- I’m stating now that if Cheryl, Toni, Veronica, Sweet Pea, Fangs, Josie, Kevin, Joaquin, Archie, or Reggie dies I’m sUING! The only children who don’t deserve anything bad happening to them better be left alone (but we been knew that only being Betty or Jughead will magically give you immunity, and everyone else is fucked). Touch my precious children and I’ll kill the devil himself so try me

[gtforubie]

im so stressed

i cant handle being under pressure and given so much to do by a certain time.

my fucking internal which was given to me only a few days ago is due tomorrow and i have the attention span of a gold fish making this so hard to do and so long to do. im onto task 2 and i already know im going to be here all fucking day doing it because my brain just cant process any bloody thing. here i am wasting my time writing my thoughts, watching a movie series and sleeping all the time. counting my calories and trying to lose weight to be smaller. fuck. 

i just want this to be over and done with, soon enough ill be back in a normal school again. no more homeschool which will be so nice because im honestly so behind in school. i have no idea what im doing in any of my subjects, i miss being in class and actually learning. im a visual learner so this is really difficult for me, i can only pay some what attention in class. i already know this is gonna take a long time for me to get back to normal. i wanna have the lunch times, a routine, the fun classes, the shit classes, the passing time to get to my next class. ugh i miss highschool.

i really do hope i get into that new school. first all girls catholic school! itll be interesting, considering my parents cant afford the private school i wanna go to, this is the best next bet. ill be with 3 of my close friends and it should be really chill and fun. i dont need to worry about fucking disgusting boys who are cunt bags all the fucking time. plus i dont think ill need to impress much too which will be so refreshing but i still want to look nice and presentable. itll take awhile for me to get to school but thats okay, i get a blazer which ive never had before so im really looking forward to that honestly. 

i need to start working out again. but my motivation is literally nothing. i cant even get out of bed to clean my room or put dishes away that have been building up. i just lay in bed waiting for the days to pass. i def survive off other peoples energy like being around my friends thats what keeps me sane tbh. i dont even think sports will be back on for quite awhile. lockdown is lifted in 9 days but then we go to level 3 which is when shops are open, no gatherings, social distancing and everything else. i just dont get it honestly. i wanna go back to level 2 or 1 but who knows how long itll take for us to finally get back to those levels. it could take days? weeks? months?  dont even know. i do feel as though things will go back to normal around may. which is next month and 17 days away. i feel as though thatll be a good time for us to go back down to level 2 or who knows we may go back to level 2 like 2 weeks after. so we are talking around another month of this isolation suff.

i miss my friends. i miss going out. i miss making plans. this all used to be a joke because we didnt think it would happen to us. our cases went from 10-1000 in less than 3 weeks. which is insane. i wanna be able to dress up and go see my friends, having pizza and drinking coffee. my diet has changed alot since being in iso well of course because i want to lose weight and get down a size. but i would literally have like 3-5 iced mochas which is around 300-400 calories on the weekend and then i will just eat junk, along with drinking alcohol which is just more and more calories. one thing i made a rule for myself - dont drink my calories. my wallet is pretty happy with this too! saving money but tbh i need more. i just dont know how to make money right now. i can apply for a job. ill apply for one when we are around a month out of lockdown and everything is more safe. i think i need to start getting the low calorie alcohol, because its 79 calories per bottle for this certain drink which is pretty good for alcohol honestly. 

gosh i cant wait for all of this to calm down. here are some things im looking forward to. 

the first party out of isolation , the first hug from my friends , the first pres , the first boba , tame impala concert , sound splash , new years , summer , tanning , surgery , long car rides. 

it sounds like a fucking master piece for what is planned. i already have my plans for when i get out of isolation and everything. im not sure who is throwing the first party back but i really do hope its good. i cant wait to just be able to go out again. itll be so much fun hoenstly. like going to the wharf and watching the sunset with all of my favourtie people seems like a dream right now. im just over being on my phone all the time and locked up in here, it sucks balls! 

im going to avoid public transport for quite a bit since that will be very risky since that is like number one community transmission. ive got to be careful when going out. no sharing food, drinks, wiping down everything, hand sanitiser, washing hands and everything.

okay now i actually need to go do my internal but im sure youll see me back soon enough talking about some other shit lol