#and im glad i had those things fall back to during my developmental years when things got too loud

[melissa-titanium]

id like to preface this rant with a picture of my cat & also a disclaimer that this isn't like. a vent or a call for help ir anything i just like musing about this stuff. talking outloud to myself if you will. i'm doing perfectly well right now but im thinkingggg and id like to spill it somewhere so it doesnt overflow. i don't think i'll be replying to responses if there is any but i'd definitely love to /read/ responses if youd like to share your own thoughts. :)) <3

ok. my cat as promised

alright. ive been thinking. i have always been rather pessimistic, a product of my youth and developmental environment, so i like to take my thoughts with a grain of salt with the understanding that what i see things as can be wildly different from other people. essentially i try my best to be self aware, but i have slip ups. we all do!

and again, i know dark times in your life pass, they always will if you're strong enough to persevere! i'd know, after many terrible terrible times i came close to the brink but managed to bounce back. i have everyone i have ever met over the years to thank, i could not name them all but especially hellholians. even if the server will never have the same amount of activity, even if we are all different people than who we were during the fucking insane years that were 2020-2022, those were some of the most influential years of my entire life & i have so many great and terrible memories from that time. i don't know if i truly have any influence in other peoples lives as they do in mine, but i'm glad to have been atleast a small part of everyone there's life. hellhole got me through some of the most inane fucking bullshit i have ever experienced in my life and even if i was an annoying piece of shit back then i am glad everyone tolerated me. ok sentiment over ill be here forever if i dont end it.

essentially. to reiterate the sentence i derailed. i know everyone has dark times in their life. and i know a good support system and spite can seriously help you get through those times... but to take from a good metaphor i saw some time ago that i can't find the source for the life of me; what do you even do once you've escaped the dark? you lose so much blood on the way to freedom that once you're out of that terrible place you can't do anything but collapse in on yourself. the adrenaline has run out and now the only thing thats left is the husk of what you were before the darkness hit. in some cases people have evidence of who they were, proof that they were /someone./ but i suppose in my case & others ofc, the terrible things happened so consistently and so constantly that i (and again, others) had no chance to even create that concept, to get an idea of who "i" am. sometimes it feels like ive been hollowed out and left to dry in the sun, other times it feels like ive been shattered into a thousand different evershifting versions of myself, and other times it just feels like i'm not even in my body. i'm not acting like this is a unique experience in the slightest, i know damn well there are people who have had it MUCH worse than me. it just frustrates me sometimes to be so little of a person that never existed, especially when people often force their ideas of who that person was onto me.

to describe things a little less cryptically -- i don't know who i am. yeah, i'm not supposed to have it all figured out at 15, i'm not fucking stupid, but sometimes it just feels like i'm falling so behind in the self-discovery department. so many people i know seem (SEEM, i know it isn't always that way on the inside) to be confident in who they are and how they present themself to other people, and then i'm just there struggling to differentiate the dream i had three weeks ago with present reality & juggling three different terrible outcomes to a conversation i made up in my head & also debating whether to kill everyone i know in cold blood and dissapear off the radar. every single interaction i have with people is some fucked up infinitely and needlessly complicated labyrinth of a mindgame. i suppose im getting tired but basically i feel like why im so bad at maintaining friendships is i can never ever find a comfortable level to talk to people with until AFTER i've had time to analyze them & how they behave so i can react accordingly. it's not necessarily that i'm accommodating for them, it's that they've already accommodated for me & i'm simply reflecting their behaviour. if i ever say i'm being sincere, but talk completely and totally different to another person, i'm probably not lying. i've been asked by a handful of wonderfully insightful people (whom i love. you know who you guys are <3) who have sort of unintentionally helped me understand these pwrts of me. but for now im going to sleep intotally lost the motifve of this rant uhhw

[min-gummy]

it was a good time