#and im crying a little and can't seem to stop but today i set aside to try and force myself to have a good big cry

[izzy-b-hands]

Absolutely horrific heart pounding nightmare woke me up for the day. That's. a start to it lmao

[minahoeshi]

you were loved the most of all.

Ushijima Wakatoshi x reader | break-up angst

summary: You should've known that when Ushijima Wakatoshi found it easy to fall in love with you, it might be even easier for him to fall out of it. But who expects the worst when it comes to loving someone as seemingly perfect as him, anyway?

Chapter 1 of 2

Chapter 2 of 2

He said it was easy to fall in love with you. He said he didn’t know when exactly, at which place, nor for what reason. Simply one day, Ushijima Wakatoshi found himself looking at you with the epiphany that maybe there’s something more meant to happen between you and him. There you stood before him that day, the person he could promise love to. (And there he stood before you that moment, the boy whose promises you found yourself believing in no matter what.)

So maybe that’s why it was even easier for him to fall out of love. When he told you he was no longer in love with you, it didn’t matter to you to ask when exactly, at which place, or for what reason. Even the universe itself is meant to fizzle out one day along with the death of the stars. Just one more person drifting away from you like a lone planet with no real orbit shouldn’t leave you broken. You are used to this. You won’t fall apart.

But you break anyway.

It was snowing outside when he decided to tell you to end things now before it hurts both of you even further. Not that the snow has anything to do with the coldness creeping up your chest threatening to spill out of you in endless sobs. You were glad, though. That at the very least, he remained honest with his feelings. He never left you guessing. Every time, he never forgets to tell you what’s on his mind. His honesty is something he thought was necessary.

���I understand, don’t worry. Thank you for telling me right away. I know you’re also considering me–” you tell him and choke up. There are tears running down your face but you’re not worried about that. Wakatoshi never let you mask your emotions around him. For the longest time, he reminded you to feel free to be completely bare with him. All the good and the bad, he said. Don’t be afraid to show them to me. I will always understand.

He steps closer and puts you between his arms. You feel his chin on top of your head as you lean your face into his chest. You’re sobbing now. “I’ll be fine, Toshi. We’ll be fine.”

He kisses the top of your head and lets you stay in his arms for minutes. “I loved you then, and I love you still. It’s just that they’re no longer the same kind. I will stay if you ask me to, okay? Anything you want.”

This only makes you cry harder. He’s always been too good. And even in breaking your heart, he’s too good. You want him to hold on. You want to ask him to stay with you for years and years. Even with a different kind of love, you’ll let him be as long he’s close by. But someone like him who has dreams beyond yourself shouldn’t ever be with someone like you who still lacks certainty toward anything.

“Just for tonight,” you ask, still crying. “Can I stay?”

“of course,” he replies. Anytime you want. Anything you want. It has always been this way.

Because humans are creatures of routines and familiarity, you spend that night the way you usually do when you’re at his place. You cook dinner with him and eat on the dining table, sharing stories and laughter. You keep adding food to his plate and he smiles as you giggle at everything you find funny.

It’s okay, it’s okay. You’ll be okay. You’ll be fine.

You clean the kitchen and stay in the living room. He leans on the couch as you lay down with your head on his lap. You keep talking and laughing. He goes along, sometimes adding things to make you laugh even more, sometimes simply agreeing, sometimes asking questions. You keep it loud and light, afraid of the silence. Inside you, it’s so heavy, your heart might just fall off. This will be the last, you tell yourself. You want to be happy for now. While he’s still here.

"Do me a favor, okay?" You tell him as you're nearing slumber. "Let me leave first tomorrow. Maybe stay in bed, maybe pretend you're asleep. But tomorrow, don't get out of the room until I've left the house." Your voice shakes, feeling yourself wanting to sob.

"I don't want to wake up to another empty bed but I don't want to see your face when I wake up too," you curl into him even further. "I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry I still don't really know what to do. And I know you wake up pretty early and you know, do stuff, but just for tomorrow, please?"

Wakatoshi didn't really understand why. He originally planned on cooking breakfast for you and taking you to the train station. He would watch you board the train and he'd make sure to smile at you as he waves. You always waved back. That's how it works. Even after fights, and even after especially bad nights, you'd still do the same. Watching you leave with a smile was how you both knew you'd still be fine the days after. That nothing much can affect your relationship. For years, this has been the routine.

But tomorrow, he knows he has to give way. He knows what he said hurt you. It would be wrong of him to do what he wants simply because he's used to.

Tomorrow's the last, he realises. And then if you want, he'd never see you again.

--

You wake up pretty early. The sky is a calm shade of blue, the world outside still waking up. You check the time on your phone and find it's 6 AM. Last night, you slept with your back on him. The sight before you is the other end of his bedroom and you notice just how much of yourself you've managed to leave around his place. Pieces of just one other person in his life, scattered in places around his world pretending that’s just where they belong. You didn't mind leaving things behind back then. You never really thought of the day that you might’ve to take back all of them. Just how does one pick up parts of themselves when they thought they’ve finally found a place for them to stay?

But as you stand up, you conclude that when things end, traces shouldn’t be left behind. He didn’t decide to break up only to be reminded of you even after you’re no longer close to him. So you go and pick every little thing that's yours. Even your jacket and sweaters and a few pairs pyjamas in his closet. You'll just take his things from your place too and hand it to Tendou's shop. Coming back here won’t do you any good. Him coming to your place instead wouldn’t either.

Collecting all your things, even the ones you can't use anymore, you leave the bedroom and enter the living room. You don't have many belongings here aside from some DVDs and books. You only take the books and leave the rest for him. You've always preferred reading anyway.

Setting your bag and things aside on the sofa, you go ahead and wash yourself in the bathroom and bring your toothbrush and some other products with you when you're done. You then head to the kitchen to cook him something light to eat for breakfast . You knew you didn't have to. He knows how to cook. It has always been him cooking breakfast for you. When you could, you’d rather stay in bed until the very moment you must start preparing to go to uni or work. But you did anyway. He's probably in his bed, awake. He has never been a heavy sleeper. With all the moving you did around his room, he was bound to wake up if he wasn't already.

You make him a simple omelette and write a small message on top of it with ketchup. "Good luck with practice today!"

You've already cleaned everything you used, preferring to wash and set utensils as soon as you're done with them. That way, when you're sitting down to eat, there won't be any cluster around to distract you.

You put the ketchup down and decide that should be enough. You'll stop here. You should go now.

Ushijima is sitting on his bed. He's been awake since 5 AM when he usually goes on his run. It isn't the first time he chose to stay with you instead of going out, but he can't help but feel heavy this time. He stayed in for you. But as the minutes pass by, it seems that he simply cannot find the courage to sit up and face you.

He wants to sink into his bed.

There's knock on the door followed by sentences uttered softly. "Toshi, I'm going now. There's breakfast on the table. Make sure to eat before you go."

There goes the heavy feeling again. Maybe if this keeps up, he might just actually sink and never get back up.

You've done that a few times. Leaving while he's still in the room. You don't even open the door. You simply knock and tell him you're about to go, always reminding him to eat before he goes too.

But this will be the last, he thinks. If you leave now, will he never see you again?

a/n

chapter 2 will be up soon not rly sure when tho. (it's up now the link is at the top)

also, im not entirely sure but i think i didnt use any pronouns or gendered nouns for this except "girl" in the 1st paragraph which i erased just now? if i'm right, then i hope everyone reading this get to feel as though theyre rly the person in the story. unless ofc u dont want that bc this isnt the happiest ushitoshi x reader fic u can find🥲. but thanks for reading!!!! m so sorry for typos nd other errors as well. i kinda cant read my own writings bc sometimes doing so makes me wanna smack myself in the head and never write again nd i hate that so now im leaving my mistakes to the gods nd hope they love me enough or smth. but yes thank u sm again for reading!!!!

[leelee10898]

Born to Love you: There she goes. (2/?)

Leo & Alicia

This is from the cgw (Cordonians gone wild) universe. A collaborative AU effort by @ao719 @speedyoperarascalparty @cocomaxley @riseandshinelittleblossom and myself.

If you haven't read the OG when Leo met Alicia, I suggest you do so . This takes place the moments between some of the eventa and situations mentioned. Read it HERE

Leo laid in bed, tossing and turning. The night playing over and over in his mind. Her smile, those big brown eyes, her laugh, from the moment he saw her it was like time stopped it was an odd feeling to him. sure he had been attracted to many women, he wasn't dubbed the playboy prince for nothing, but this was different.  He wasn't sure what to think, but one thing he was sure of was the need to see her again, to hang out with her and lucky for him, she was staying in the palace for the next 2 months.

“Anything I can help with?” Liam eyed him suspiciously “you want to help? You hated this stuff, that's why you abdicated.”

The next morning he got up, his mind going a mile a minute. Thinking of ways to spend some time with her. He showered, dressed and headed to Liams office. “Hello little brother, what's on the agenda today?” Leo flopped down on the couch, resting his feet on the desk. “Several proposals to look over, a meeting with the zoning committee for a new park and dinner with Anitah.” Liam nudged his feet off the desk.

“No, I don't mind helping Liam. And we all know i abdicated so I didn't have to marry Madeline.” Leo shot him that cocky grin. Liam shook his head and smiled “touche.” He rubbed his chin sitting back in his chair. “Ok Leo, if you are serious I could use an extra set of eyes and hands on these. Aside from our father you have had the same training as I so I trust you to help.”

Leo poured over the papers with Liam, pointing out several things that should be negotiated to better benefit the country. Liam was happy to have the help, it meant getting to dinner on time, and Anitah would be happy.

“So dinner huh? Is it just you and Anitah?” Leo nonchalantly asked.

“There it is. Leo I warned you stay away, she has a boyfriend. And she's Anitah's best friend.”

Liam tossed his pen on the desk.

“Had. She had a boyfriend,  she's single. And i'm not doing anything. She seems like a fun girl, I'd like to get to know her better.. as Friends, dad!”

Liam let out a long sigh. “Yes, she will be there. I'm assuming you want to join us?”

Leo shook his head “Don't mind if I do.”

“Leo im serious, she's not like these girls at court. She doesn't care about titles or wealth. If you hurt her Anitah will kill you. And then me.”

Leo put his hand up in the air “Let me stop you there Li. I am wanting to hang out with her, to have fun. I said nothing about getting into her pants.”

Liam shook his head standing as they walked out of the study.  “This has disaster written all over it. We leave at 6.”

Liam made reservations at the best restaurant in the capital. They lead them quickly to a private dining room, secluded from the other diners. “Allow me.” Leo  pulled her chair out. “Thank you.” she grinned as he took a seat next to her. Liam doing the same for Anitah.

“So Alicia. how are you enjoying Cordonia?” Liam asked.

“Well, its beautiful from what I've seen. But i have seen the airport, and some of the capital.”  she giggled. “I can show you around, if you'd like. I know many secret spots that aren't on any of the tourist list.” Leo smirked. Liam gave him a pointed look “Really? That would be great. Can we go tomorrow?”

“I don't see why not.” Leo grinned.

They spent the dinner talking laughing and joking. Leo and Liam spilling embarrassing stories from growing up.

Anitah and Alicia crying from laughing so hard. Leo had told them a story from when Liam had just turned 7 Leo had just turned 13 and they were in hawaii for his birthday.  There was a chocolate bar in the hotel and Both boys snuck over sneaking treats. Leo found a lizard on a windowsill, he picked it up and put it on Liam's back. Liam freaked out and crashed into the table,  sending a whole vat of chocolate across the room landing right on Constantine.

“I will forget the look on his face.” Leo sighed as he wiped a stray tear from his eye from laughing so hard.

“How pissed was your dad?” Anitah said through laughter.

“Very, he grounded us for a month.”

“Yeah, that was around the time I started sneaking out with Damien.” Leo leaned forward forking a chunk of chocolate cake he began lifting it as Alicia leaned down, taking it off the spoon. His jaw hung open on shock. “Gotta be quicker than that Rhys.” She winked and smirked. “She just. She just ate my cake, of my fork.”

“You can't leave chocolate cake around her Leo.” Anitah laughed.

Alicia scooped a spoonful of her chocolate mousse lifting it to her mouth, just before she reached her lips Leo leaned in his mouth inches from hers as he ate it off the spoon. He leaned back. “Two can play that game.” He gave her his signature smirk and sat back in his chair.

“Ok, ok. It's your turn the two of you.” Leo pointed at the two.

“Us?” they said simultaneously.

“Yes, you two. Time to spill some embarrassing situations. We've been doing it all night, it's only fair.”

Liam looked to Leo, and the two women.  “He has a point love, it's only fair. However we don't have time here.”

“So we go back to my quarters, have a few drinks and continue this party.” the 3 nodded in agreement and they headed towards the exit.

They walked out Liam with his arm around Anitahs waist. Leo walking next to Alicia. a huge grin on his face just as they were bombarded by flashes. The security detail held them off as Bastien hurried them to the waiting car. They slid and and speed away. Leo turned to Alicia. “pull out your phone and delete all of your social media, now!”

“What? Why?” Alicia looked at him confused.

“Alicia, he's serious do it now.”

“those photos they took, will be in all the tabloids and papers tomorrow morning. Their websites by midnight. They will find out who you are and your entire personal life will be at the fingertips of any person in this country.”

“He's not lying, when Anitah came here she had to do the same, until we were able to go in and make all of her accounts private.” Liam spoke sympathetically.

“Ok, fine. You mean everything?”

“Yes.” all 3 said at the same time.

Alicia went through deactivating all of her social media accounts. They pulled up to the palace Anitah and Alicia going to change, Liam and Leo heading to Leos quarters waiting on the girls.  

“So, what do you think the headlines are going to be?” Leo leaned against the table, taking a swig of his scotch.

Liam let out a sigh “Oh probably something about a double date. They don't often catch you out with a woman. And you were with Anitah and I.”  

“You're probably right. They are going to have a field day with this.”

“She's Anita's best friend, and here for two months. It was only a matter of time before they got to her. Anitah was warned about this, we should have debriefed Alicia.”

Leo snorted “Well, its done. They should be back any minute, lets not let this ruin our night.”

As if on cue Anitah and Alicia walked in. Anitah holding a bottle of jagermeister, Alicia a few cans of redbull. “We thought we could spice up this party a little bit.” Anitah grinned.

“Where did you get that? Liam tilted his head.

“The bar in the ballroom.”

She sat the bottle down on the kitchen counter and went over to Liam wrapping her arms around him.

“where's your shot glasses?” Alicia called over to Leo. He walked over to the dry bar pulling 4 out.

He watched as Alicia poured the dark liquor into the shot glasses. Filling each cup with redbull. “You ever have one of these?” he nodded his head. “Yup. Liam on the other hand, I don't think so.”

“well, this ought to be good then.” She giggled as she called Liam and anitah over.

“What do we do with this?” Liam questioned.

“Lets show him Nitah.” Alicia winked as the two dropped their shots into the cup of redbull and drank it down quickly.

“Fuck that's good.” Alicia whooped.

“Hell yeah, let's do another one.” Anitah high fived her. Leo and liam both shared a look and drank theirs down. A few drinks and shots later they were all laughing hysterically.

“Ok ok. What about the time I got pulled over going the wrong way, down a one way street.” Anitah giggled.  “Oh my god, yes when we left that party. Dude we were so wasted. I don't even know how you drove.”

“Anitah, seriously?” she waived him off.

“So did you get out of it?” Leo grinned.

“mmhmm, the cop that pulled us over took my license and seen my address.  He asked us what highschool we went to. Turns out his niece went there too and we were actually friends with her. He let us go.”

“Yeah after he told you to let someone else drive.” Alicia snorted, Anitah slapped her leg.

“oooh what about the time we snuck out to see nsync at the beach?”

Anita's face blushed bright red. “NO. Alicia.”

“Nope, spill Alicia. I want to know what kind of trouble my soon to be Queen was.” liam grinned, feeling tipsy.

“Well, we were in Atlantic city during summer vacation. Nsync was performing. My parents wouldn't let us go, but we scored tickets.”

Anitah looked at Alicia.  “I hate you so much right now.” She buried her head.

“Oh you act like you're the only one who was embarrassed. Anyway. So we snuck out and met up with a few guys we had met on the beach earlier in the week.” Alicia continued.

“kyle and Chris. They had a car and were hot.” Anitah added in.

" Anita!” Liam shouted giving her a stern look.

“Ok. So the four of us went to the concert. They had a convertible and some mad dog. We got drunk and ended up taking our shirts off down the highway. We pulled into a parking spot and we had a makeout session with the guys.  Only, we were in a parking lot of a casino.”

“Anitah! Seriously?” Liam shook his head, face reddening.

“oh god. Anitah buried her face even deeper.

“so. Clothing was coming off, things were heating up when we heard someone shout our names. Turns out my parents date night was at that casino and they were parked right in front of us.”

“Oh shit. How much trouble did you get into?” Leo grinned. “Leo!” Liam turned glaring at his brother who was clearly enjoying it.

“Oh that's not even the best part. they forced us out of the car, I tripped over the seatbelt and fell out on the ground,  boobs popping out of my bra. Anitah here, climbed out crying because she was so drunk and puked, all over my dad.”

“Anitah Elizabeth Brooks! That was horrible, irresponsible, reckless behavior.” Liam shook his head “Thank god you've outgrown that.”

Alicia busted out laughing, Anitah shooting her a warning look.

“So what did your parents do?” Leo said grabbing her attention.

“Oh. Well they didn't want to ground us because that would mean someone had to watch us. So, they made us wear full piece kiddie bathing suits the rest of the vacation, and my mom brought us long shorts and baggy tank tops. It was torture.” Alicia snorted.

Anitah placed her hand on Liam's thigh sliding it higher. “Anitah.” He groaned as her hand slid up his leg. “What my king?” she cooed as he leaned in kissing her.

“Im gonna get another drink.” Alicia stood up walking to the kitchen area. “I'll join you.” Leo stood following her. “scotch is gone, so is the jager and vodka.” she assessed the bottles on the counter. “Got anything else?” Leo walked over to the bar pulling out a bottle of gin.

“I can work with this, got any 7up?”

He shook his head “No, but i have a couple cans of lemon lime soda over here. She grabbed the cans tossing a few ice cubes in the glass, adding a few shots of gin, topping it off with some soda. She took a sip as Anita's shirt hit her feet. She looked over to see Anitah straddling Liam on the couch, his hands in her hair. She rolled her eyes. “How about some air?” Leo motioned to the balcony. “Get a room you two.” Leo shouted as he walked Alicia out onto the balcony.

He leaned up against the door frame, watching her as she leaned over the railing, loose strands of hair that fell out of her messy bun blowing in the nights breeze. She wore a pair of loose fitting sweat pants and a tank top, he had only known her for two days but he couldn't help but think how sexy she looked like that. “It's really beautiful, this view.” She broke the silence, looking straight forward. “Yeah, it is.” was he talking about the scenery or her?  He walked up joining her. “I spent most of my time running from here, from what was expected of me. But now.” He paused, looking out into the nights sky.

“Now what?” She turned her head to face him.  “I don't know? It's like, everything feels different. Better almost.”

“Did you really mean it when you said you'd take me out sightseeing tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I figure we get an early start.” She gave him a look. “ Ok semi early start.” he chuckled. “Maybe grab some breakfast.”

“Sounds good. Maybe we should go check on the two horn dogs.” she giggled.

They walked in, no sign of Anitah and Liam except her shirt. “Looks like they got a room.” she nudged him. “wanna watch some Tv?” He asked, not ready for her to leave yet. “Sure, as long as I get to pick.” she giggled running over grabbing the remote as she plopped down on the couch. She flipped through the channels until she found friends. “Ever watch this?” she asked. “a time or two.” He tossed himself down next to her. After a while she had leaned against him, making herself comfortable. Before he knew it she had fallen asleep. He laid her down,  careful not to wake her. He grabbed a blanket and pillow for her, shutting off the tv and went into his room, pulling off his shirt, and putting on a pair of pajama bottoms. He climbed into bed falling instantly asleep.

The next morning he woke up, He opened his eyes to a frock of brown hair in his face, his arm draped around her waist. Stunned as to how, or when she got there. He had left her on the couch, what was she doing in bed, with him. He carefully slid his arm off of her, she started to stir and then she rolled over. Her big Brown eyes locked on his bright blues. “Ah, good morning.” He cautiously said, not sure how she would react. She blinked a few times “Morning. How did, um what am I doing in your bed?”

“Good question.” He chuckled. “You fell asleep on the couch, I put a blanket over you and came in here. And I woke up, there you were.” they got out of the bed, and made their way to the kitchen Leo brewed a some coffee.

“I really don't know how I Ended up in your bed. I remember getting up to use the bathroom, and.” Her hand flew up over her face. “Oh god, I thought I was home, so I climbed into your bed. I am so sorry.”

“No, its ok I don't mind.” she gave him a questioning look. “not that I wanted to sleep with you. No, that came out wrong. I um, it was ok that you did, I just didn't want you to think I was trying to take advantage of you,  that's all.” He stumbled over his words smooth, real smooth Leo,  now she's going to think you're a creep.  “I don't think you'd take advantage of me. I climbed into your bed on my own." She gave him a look.

What was that look for? What did she mean by that? Did she want him to make a move, he was good at reading people, but when it came to her, his mind was cloudy.

A knock came at the door, Liam walked in. “papers are here, they think you're dating.”

Liam stopped dead in his tracks seeing Alicia sitting at the kitchen table. His head snapped over to Leo, anger written all over his face. “I didn't know you were still here Alicia. I wasn't interrupting anything was I?”

“Nope. I passed out on the couch.” liam took notice of the blanket and pillow. “I'm going to go shower and change, see you in about an hour?”

Leo nodded his head as she walked out.

“You're playing with fire here Leo. And she's the one whos going to get burned.” He tossed the papers on the table and left.

Tag: @annekebbphotography @carabeth @moneyfordiamonds @give-me-ernest-sinclaire @3pawandme @indiacater @ooo-barff-ooo @ownworldresident @tornbetween2loves @perfectprofessorherokid @stopforamoment @editboutique @wannabemc2 @zaffrenotes @enmchoices @lauradowning29 @lodberg @smalltalk88 @gibbles82 @heatherfilliez @drakesensworld @nikkis1983 @sweetest-marbear @classylady1234 @daniv2278 @jlouise88 @jared2612 @liamxs-world @notoriouscs @blubutterflyy @captain-kingliamsqueen @whenyourheartskipsabeat @lynne1993 @coldcollectornight08 @be-still-my-aching-heart @dcbbw

@kennaxval @hopefulmoonobject

[adreamingsongbird]

Hey, uh, Rimi I just started following you recently (I was the anon who will never be over a dozen red roses gods your writing is so very GOOD how do you write so much) and today i was rereading the way of kings (i can't believe i was lucky enough to find someone who writes for like all my ships from like everything??) and i had a thought: Kaldin askin'mg Adolin if he'd love him even if he were still a darkeyes.

heyy thanks man! :D 

“how do you write so much”

i don’t sleep i just cry into my keyboard all night and the tears hit the right keys. since im an organic chem student i cry a lot and i get a lot of fic as a result

Kaladin asking Adolin if he'd love him even if he were still a darkeyes. 

(i’m attempting to churn out chapter 7 of trfl today so i can’t answer this with a drabble so i’ll just. babble.)  but yeah, a couple of things here actually!  it got long, hence the cut.

first of all i think in the preview of oathbringer that we got a little while ago it was revealed that kal’s eyes don’t actually stay light, they fade back to brown a few hours after he stops using his fancy schmancy radiant powers. so there’s that.

that’s mostly just minutiae though; to be honest i really don’t think that that’s a question that should be asked, and i definitely don’t think kaladin would ask anyone that, let alone adolin.

i’ll get into the thing about how i don’t think it fits kaladin’s character first - simply put, kal has a lot of value and a lot of pride in having dark eyes. he does not trust lighteyes easily (and with good reason, given how much they’ve fucked him over without seeming to care at all) and he has a strong sense of community with other darkeyed folk, always wanting to stick up for them (see also: the whole deal with assassinating elhokar bc of moash’s history with him). 

to him, having dark eyes is by no means a sign of being lesser at all. he states several times (i’m paraphrasing, too lazy to go hunt down the exact quotes, sorry!) that he thinks lighteyes and darkeyes are of the same stature.  he’s used to the existence of the dichotomy, but he doesn’t think it actually means anything.  to him, lighteyes have managed to get themselves at the top of society, but that doesn’t mean very much about their intrinsic worth or about that of darkeyes.

in fact, i’d say that he’s proud enough of being darkeyed that he’s going to be really conflicted about the way stormlight changes his eye color.  and here’s where this accidental mini-essay is gonna segway into metaphor for a minute, because i one-hundred percent would feel very uncomfortable with that, if i was him.

the thing is that alethi lighteyed/darkeyed social dynamics are a pretty damn good analogue for racism, see.  systematic social inequality has put the lighteyes at the top of the ladder, but that does not reflect on the actual worth of darkeyed people, and indeed they build a sense of community around not being lighteyed (bridge four trust each other more than they trust lighteyes).

and, speaking as someone who is Definitely Not White (i’m desi, to make that clear), i would be deeply, deeply unsettled if i was given some kind of power that made me look like a white person in the process of using it.

setting aside the history of alethela and the radiants that could have set the precedent for the lighteyed/darkeyed power imbalance to begin with, i just think it would be really upsetting because of the sudden huge invalidation of the struggles kal has faced all his life as a darkeyed, underprivileged individual.  just waving a hand and saying “oh, you’re in this group now!” doesn’t erase the trauma he’s faced because of society’s rules leaving him at the mercy of a different group.  it just invalidates his suffering, as far as i can see, honestly.

it’s like saying “oh, well, you get this privilege now,” after he’s already suffered from being at the wrong end of the spectrum.  you know?? hell, he’s had people walk all over him just because his eyes are a darker shade than theirs (i’m looking at you, shallan “give me your boots bc you’re darkeyed and i don’t have a basic understanding of my own privilege” davar. don’t get me wrong, i think she’s a great character, but the way she treats darkeyes really rubs me the wrong way sometimes, and i really hope she unlearns some of the shit she accepts as normal, bc that’s ... fucked up.)

and i think that to someone who has based his identity so strongly around being darkeyed, around not trusting lighteyes because they always take advantage of him and then claim that that’s just how it is, around fighting for his community of darkeyed people and being one of them, that having to deal with becoming lighteyed would just be really upsetting.  he wouldn’t be one of them anymore. 

(bridge four will always love him i mean but like... he walks into a random square full of darkeyes and his own eyes are as pale as the sky, you think they’d trust him like they might have before? i doubt it. there’s always such a sense of community when underprivileged folk find each other (not saying all minorities love all members of their communities or anything lol, just saying that when you’re surrounded by white people and then you run into another indian at the grocery store you both feel sorta relieved), like... it just wouldn’t be the same.)

and that’s not even opening the can of worms that is the whole historical “radiants = lighteyes, lighteyes = the group with power” thing. tbh if branderson doesn’t handle this carefully in oathbringer i’m going to be upset. anything suggesting implicit castes by nature is wrong, as far as i’m concerned.

so in light of all that, i really don’t feel like he’d ever say “would you love me even if i was still darkeyed”, ever. for starters, i don’t even think he would truly identify as being lighteyed, even if his eyes did settle as blue; to me it’d feel like being stuck with a permanent mask on.  i think he would call himself lighteyed in that case because he’d invalidate himself and say “i don’t fit in with the darkeyes anymore”, and it would hurt, but he wouldn’t feel like a true lighteyes.

and if anyone ever implied that being darkeyed was worth anything less, i still think he’d flat out deck that motherfucker.