#and im afraid to ask at this point cuz I’ve been working on this thing for like two days

[catsip]

stress poopin on da job

[wisecrackingeric-2]

Luis ramble time

TW//homophobia??

I think my favorite thing about Luis has to be the idea that his religious trauma led him to become homophobic but not in the sense of how it normally is. I think he internalized it as he grew up in a Catholic setting and became more interested in other people. This is why I believe he probably wouldn't have kissed Leon,,he will flirt and make flirty gestures but I don't really believe he'd full on go for it. I think it's more believable that he would've felt guilty because we all know one thing Luis still holds dear is his religion.

To me Luis is bisexual and when he met Leon it made him remember those odd feeling but he was to afraid to express them both from fear of loosing Leon and the feeling of being sinful. (this comes from someone who connects to Luis in these regards,,dw I came to terms with myself awhile ago!) And just like everything else in his life he ran away from it and ultimately..

He never let himself feel those emotions nor tell Leon

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO GET TO BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW FERAL I WENT OVER THIS I STARTED GOING DOWN SUCH A LONG RABBIT HOLE OUUUUGHHH

BUT YOURE SO RIGHT YOU HAVE A BIT BEAUTIFUL BRAIN IT HURTS SM,,,,,,,, I think you’re absolutely right but I wanted to add my own headcannons too cuz I think it could be a very very interesting discussion!!!!!! I’ve put my thoughts under the cut so it doesn’t clog up peoples dashboards!!!!

I couldn’t agree more I think it’d be pretty safe ro say Luis has a FAIR BIT of internalised homophobia from his religious upbringing (now I wanna clarify that I don’t have any religious trauma like, at all, I wasn’t brought up relifious but I have TONS of friends who’ve gone through it so I’ve done my best to understand it best I can!!!!) and where my headcannon sliiiiiiiightly differs from yours is that I think Luis probably would have come to terms with his own queerness by the time he’s working with Umbrella

Obviously he’s already very flamboyant and VERRRRYYY flirty w both men and women and he’s clearly confident in himself- but what a lot of people seem to forget that the lovely @blveherb and @possessionisamyth have gone into detail about is that Luis is an immigrant, and if you look at literally any piece of history from before like,,,, roughly around the 80’s queer and immigrant history were REALLY intertwined, like, the two communities would often be at the same places or facing the same struggles at the same time etc and obviously white historians haven’t done us any favours with preserving this history (and ALSO also i am WHITE AS ALL HELL so im obviously not in a position to be speaking on topics that i dont fully understand/havent affected me which is why i ask that if anyone is more knowledgable on the topic please do elaborate on it!!!!!!!)((also it’s obviously very very important not to try and take away focus from or erase poc history when talking about queer history!!!!!!!!!!!!!))

So I don’t think it would be much of a stretch to say that Luis, after leaving Valdelobos and ending up wherever he did, would have also discovered the queer community as a whole just by virtue of being apart of a minority (again, this isn’t something that’s ever even remotely effected me so please if I’ve made any mistakes or if anyone wants to point anything out do so!!!!) also I just imagine that, in general, Luis would’ve been grateful for any kind of community to fall back on after he left his own- how old he was when he left is unknown obviously but I can’t imagine being barely even an adult discovering the big wide world for the first time after spending your entire life in a tiny rural catholic village would’ve been easy which is why communities like that are so important (also you could absolutely go into how Umbrella would’ve fed that need for a community even further in a young naive Luis but that’s getting ahead of the subject)

Also somewhat on and off topic but M A A N Y historians have pointed out that Don Quixote is a pretty queer fricken book. That’s an entirely different discussion in and of itself but the whole book itself, the relationship between Alonso and Sancho, the history itself surrounding the book etc can leave a lot of queer interpretations to be read (and @highball66 has pointed out that while not specifically a term used for gay men, in some areas ‘Sancho’ has been used to refer to ‘the other guy in the relationship’, ie the man the husband is sleeping with etc) ((AND also it’s just,, kinda hard to analyse super old books through the lens of the LGBTQ+ community as we understand it roday- Kaz Rowe on YouTube has some good videos on the topic I can’t reccomend enough!!!!))

And so I personally like to imagine that by the time he returns BACK to Valdelobos, he’s probably come to terms with it- but like most traumas, returning to the place where it all started and manifested probably would’ve brought up those same feelings of internalised homophobia like you’ve said; which is why he’s so afraid to confess to Leon. Even if he KNOWS he’s come to terms with his identity n such, that doesn’t mean that returning to the place where it all started doesn’t bring back up those old feelings (also him returning home in the manor that he does just makes my theory/headcannon that he’s Trans go WILD but I’m saving that for ANOTHER DAY)

‘He holds Religion very Close to him’ GOD YOURE SO RIGHT ABT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like even if he doesn’t still believe in god or anything his upbringing still effects him!!!!!!!!!!!!! He still always does the sign of the cross whenever he sees a dead body and obviously that classic catholic guilt and need to repent follows his every actions alongside just, y’know, the average amount of guilt people would feel in his situation BCNEHENDJDND so can you imagine how much WORSE he’d feeling going BACK to Valdelobos and meeting LEON and having all those feelings and fears come up again???????????? OUGH WHY MAKE ME THINK ABT THIS OP /lh

AND and, like you mentioned, Luis always has this reoccurring theme of thinking he has more time than he actually has and that he can run away from anything. It’s honestly so so so very tragic; and just the idea of that cycle repeating AGAIN in something SO PERSONAL (ie, his love for Leon) is just,,,,,,,,,, o u g h it’s so heartbreaking man why would you say that I am strangling you /jjjjjjjj

Luis always thinks he has more time to fix his mistakes, to be a better person- and even when he starts to realise he doesn’t, he still holds out hope. He thinks, ‘tomorrow I’ll tell Leon’, but he never gets that opportunity.

And finally this one is purely self indulgent but I’ve always pictured Luis as being the kind of person to just be happy labelling himself as ‘queer’ cuz it’s quick and convinient but BISEXUAL LUIS SL TRUE

(Also obligatory ‘these are just headcannons/theories/analysis nobody is saying these are CANNON this is just an observation’ message!!!!!!!)

[actualbird]

thinking about mariluke again… given how marius is afraid of really trusting people and showing his heart bc he’s been used so many times before and his family situation… and given luke is all “you before me” and “wow im literal scum i don’t deserve nice things” how do you think they break down that roadblock to become lovers? do you think one of them would realise this isn’t okay and work on it or would they need a push from someone else?

you 🤝 me

thinking about mariluke

i very much relate to the feeling, anon, HVSKJFVKSDHFS

but oh my gosh i adore this ask because u hit the nail on the head on what like, their core internal conflicts are, respectively. definitely not their only conflicts, but these ones are ones that i see as the driving force behind a lot of their actions. for marius, it's the constant struggle of "can i trust you?", for luke it's his lack of self worth and the resulting neglect of his own safety/needs/desires coming from it.

before i answer the questions tho i wanna say first that those two issues do stem from core Wants that theyve got (and i wanna say this first cuz it will tie into my answers/thoughts HAHA).

like, marius is always cautious and holding his cards and heart close to himself not just because of all the betrayals hes experienced and in general the Life He Lives (though that is a Huge factor), but also because it's connected to his want for honesty, earnestness, and genuineness. though these two are interconnected, it's not a Which Came First, The Chicken Or The Egg situation (or in this case….Which Came First, The Yearning Or The Trust Issues? JHVKSJDFH), they exist simultaneously and feed into each other. he wants, he has trouble receiving what he wants because of his fears but his fears are also put into higher gear because of how Much he wants, and in turn the lack leads to his desire gets magnified and the stakes for his fears getting even higher as well. aaaand all this gets further complicated when u throw in marius’ low view of himself as well (while it’s not as prominent/delved-into in canon as luke’s, it’s Very Much There, see this past analysis i did about marius and emotional distancing which is the most recent analysis i did i think on the topic)

meanwhile with luke, his propensity to put others before himself always is in partly caused by how lowly he sees himself (if hes worth nothing and others are worth more, then he should be the ones taking the blows or enduring the pains), but Both those things are ultimately caused by his desire to Be Good and Do Good for Another. “for Another” is a key phrase here, because luke imo is driven by devotion. it has to be someone else. and if he sees himself as bad, then the good thing to do is to neglect himself, and a better use of his life is to serve Another that he Sees as good. like marius, this is all interconnected too. his want to do good feeds into his self sacrificial tendencies, his low view of himself allows him to do more of what he perceives to be good, etc etc. tho of course, with luke, theres the whole obvious glaring sign that what he Perceives to be good isnt good at all (ex. when he becomes overprotective to the point of taking away choice/agency from the very person hes protecting, protection becomes presumptuous condescension, and this all gets in flux since goodness is subjective based on whos lens ur looking from) but at the end of the day thats a bulk of whats driving a lot of decisions.

now when things get to romantic relationship, both these respective desires seen through the lens of romantic love can be reworded into:

for marius, it’s “do you love me? can i trust that your love is real? are you telling the truth when you say im worthy of love?”

and for luke, it’s “am i good enough for your love? have i earned it? will i allow myself to believe i’ve earned it when you say i have?”

(sidenote: …..oh my god, marius is basically “Real Love” by Carly Rae Jepsen

"The world is going crazy And it feels like I just don't know who to trust sometimes Thunder's coming over me, I need to get a hold of you now We're getting good at lying No one's saying what's keeping us all awake at night Something's coming over me, I need to get a hold of you now […] I go everyday without it All I want is real, real love And I've been feeling weak without it Only want a real, real love"

and luke is “All That” also by Carly Rae Jepsen

"I wanna play this for you all the time I wanna play this for you when you're feeling used and tired I wanna make the best so you want more […] I'll be the magic you won't ever see You can always rely on me To help you do what you want to do I wanna be the best you've ever known […] Show me if you want me If I'm all that I will be that"

i cant believe CRJ ships mariluke)

NOW back to ur question. i personally dont think this is an Either Or situation, i think it’s a Both Simultaneously kinda thing.

cuz first off, change can only happen when the person who has to do the change actively works on it. no amount of support system can do it for the person if the person themselves isnt putting in the work. BUT input from another Helps very much, especially with mariluke imo cuz like……..these two are two sides of the same coin. so many of their insecurities and fears and wants are similar. not Exactly the same, but similar enough that i think they get each other on a really personal level

(sidenote im coming in with another song but i tell everybody who has the misfortune of listening to me that “just like i do” by loveless is THE mariluke song for me because….come on

"Do you feel alone just like I do? Do you hate the sound of your heartbeat too? Do you feel alone just like I do? Do you hate the sound of your heartbeat too? This is all I own, 'til I face the truth Yeah, I feel alone in a crowded room"

i cant believe loveless ships mariluke too waow)

heres how they can help each other:

marius keeps his heart behind tall and strong walls because of how his world works and how his life has gone, yet all he yearns for is sincerity. and luke gives that in full earnestness, and is probably surprised by how much that means to marius.

(remember the CRJ songs i associated with both of them?

marius: "and it feels like i dont know who to trust sometimes"

luke: "i'll be the magic you won't eve see / you can always rely on me")

luke wears his heart on his sleeve, on the arms that are always fighting for whoever or whatever hes devoted to. luke keeps secrets, yes, but thats mostly in regards to how he sees, treats, and values (or rather, doesnt value) himself. but marius, who is trained in the art of putting up a mask or building a fortress to hide, would see through luke’s secrecy and see how badly luke treats himself under the guise of being good for others to be worthy of love.

(luke: "i wanna be the best youve ever known / show me if you want me"

marius: "i need to get a hold of you now")

luke shows what marius wants and marius sees what luke hides; both of these things, one way or another, calling attention to both of their respective internal conflicts.

i dont think they fix each other, or rather thats not how my personal ideal view of how their relationship goes. i think they see each other.

("do you feel alone just like i do?")

and in seeing, they learn more about themselves and realize that part of loving another person is also in bettering one’s self. marius loving luke more than hes afraid of getting hurt. luke loving marius more than how he wants to hate himself.

they both realize that the internal issues theyve got are not okay, and that they need to work on it. but they realize that once understood by the other and once realizing that their love is more important to them than fear or hatred.

....i feel so normal about them (lie)