#and ill carry the rage for them. they dont care about it anymore but i do and I won't stop thinking about it until it is solves

[lilyflower52]

I'm still thinking about the scream from ggbb.

I don't think enough people talk about it.

"I carry the scream for both of us" is such an intriguing concept. It really puts the image of "feminine rage" into my mind.

[faemytho]

all four aces, cookie run, some sort of pairing within the COD with possible pm shenanigans (haha ace joke here)

send me four random card numbers/faces and their corresponding card suits, AND maybe a ship/fandom im into and ill talk abt it using the AO3 card deck!!

cookies of darkness. fixing a problem, diverging from story to fix the problem, gen fic so no romo, and a drabble!

spoilers for the end of CRK world 14!! poison mushroom is an adult.

queerplatonic if you squint!! not meant to be read as familial, but take it how you wish. i dont care what ur hcs are.

word count: 815

As Dark Choco turned his back upon the ruined throne room, Poison Mushroom couldn't breathe. No, this was wrong, Dark Choco should not have been walking away, and yet, he was. The cursed Sword of Blood he carried clattered down against the floor, and the world in its usual purple haze became uncomfortably lucid and vividly clear.

Pomegranate was saying something, her usual silvery composed voice strained with the blood that soaked her robes, strangled with held back screams of rage. Poison Mushroom couldn't hear it. All they could see was Dark Choco turning away from them, turning his back on them. In their world of perpetual haze, never once clear, his turned back and parting words were the most lucid things they had perceived in years upon years of Dark Enchantress's service.

"No, Dark Choco," they found themself pleading, almost begging, nearly stumbling after him. "Dark Choco, don't leave, don't go-!"

"Poison Mushroom, don't-!" Licorice's voice, though muffled behind the furthering cape of the Dark Cacao Prince, broke through their thoughts. A hand yanked at their robes, pulling them back away from where they had been following after him. "No, stay here, we have to leave, Pomegranate's hurt!"

Poison Mushroom turned their gaze away from the leaving prince, looking up at Licorice. Perhaps it was different for him, shunned from the Dark Cacao Kingdom for his dough. It was why he followed Dark Enchantress, who promised happiness for all cookies beneath her reign. Their gaze turned to Pomegranate, clutching the fabric of her robes against her bleeding wound. Perhaps it was different for her as well, who gladly left her own home to follow Dark Enchantress for reasons not even they had been able to discern.

Dark Choco had been forced to follow Dark Enchantress. Under the influence of crimson magic, darkness swayed his heart and forced him into believing he was following the right path. But now, the prince was leaving, choosing for himself what was right and what wasn't. He was leaving Dark Enchantress, leaving the small circle of people that Poison Mushroom had come to think of as their friends.

Because while Pomegranate left her home, Licorice sought revenge, and Dark Choco was forced to stay, Poison Mushroom simply had nowhere else to go. They followed Dark Enchantress because she offered them a home. She offered them respite. She offered comfort in exchange for their servitude, but seeing Dark Choco leave was enough to tip the scale. He was finally choosing his own path. Why couldn't they?

"No," Poison Mushroom said, lucid enough to speak clearly, and shrugged Licorice's hand off. "I don't want this anymore. Aren't you tired of this? Doing whatever she wants with no results, endlessly struggling to achieve her goals?"

Licorice stared at them from where he supported Pomegranate against his side, his pale eyes wide. He looked lost, frightened, confused, and Poison Mushroom shook their head.

"What on Earthbread are you blathering about?" Pomegranate hissed, though her crimson eyes were just as shocked and wide as Licorice's.

"I'm tired of following her ideas, her plans, her bright ideal future. Maybe I wanna build that future for myself."

With that, Poison Mushroom turned away from Licorice and Pomegranate, and began to follow after Dark Choco. Maybe he would tell them to leave him alone, but it would be worth a try. They had always wondered why Dark Choco stayed, and now, they had the answer that he wouldn't.

"Wait, Poison Mushroom!" Licorice called after them, and they turned. The dark sorcerer was shrugging Pomegranate, loyal, blinded Pomegranate, off of him, leaving her to crouch with her injury on the ruined floor of the Black Citadel's throne room. "I'm going with you!"

Perhaps, in their siege against the citadel, Licorice had found what he was looking for. Perhaps the storm in his heart had calmed, the storm that made him follow the very culmination of dark power, the way Poison Mushroom had when she'd offered her hand and a home to them all those years ago.

Pomegranate was left injured on the floor of a ruined throne room, surrounded by enemies of her own making. As much as Poison Mushroom wished she would turn against Dark Enchantress as well, they knew her too well to know that she wouldn't. They wished she would come with, but they knew she would stay loyal to Dark Enchantress. They knew she considered Dark Enchantress far more important than any relationship she had with the enchantress's other servants.

It saddened them, but they knew her enemies would be merciful. The cookies of light would not harm her, nor crumble her. She would be safe in their hands, as much as she would hate it, and that was enough for them.

They took Licorice's hand, and caught up to the retreating prince, and despite the uncertainty ahead, all was right in the world.

-

-

-

[yellowbeamss]

its 1.30 am i kinda miss u

disclaimer: there’s gonna be a lot of grammatical errors or whatever, i’m just writing this as i’m having one of my mental breakdowns. if u know me and ure reading this, dont worry im gonna be alright !! and if u dont,, hey stranger i hope u pray for my happiness and healing :)

- shit okay, i guess ill start by saying i miss u. i miss the way u would send me to sleep at night, the way ull beam at the sound of my voice on the other side of the line, the way ud be head over heels over me, the way ud react to the stories i tell u, the way u keep up with me talking about books when its way past our bedtime. i miss it all, ur warmth, the way u used to hold me close, the feeling of my hands inside urs, ur scent, ur smile and everything about u. its been hard for me, so hard. i can’t get past even scrolling through old pictures, how am i ever gonna build the strength to delete them? sometimes my memory willl just rewind the times u held me close, the times when ull end each and every of ur sentence with I LOVE YOU, yes with enthusiasm and all. and whenever my mind does that, i get dragged into this pit full of darkness. reminds me of tartarus; and just like tartarus no one ever survives from it- so i dont. i struggle to fight each day, counting days since u left me to hold my own hands and to stand by my own. i think what hurts me the most is when i remember the promises we made to each other. god the lump in my throat is swelling right now, i wish ud feel it too. 

remember how u promised me forever, how everytime i wake up from a bad dream ull be there, telling me it’s alright and telling me that no matter what happens, ure gonna stick by my side NO MATTER WHAT!! remember how for now was our anthem and 17?? remember our promise to not give up on each other? remember all of that? i guess u dont remember all of that since it seemed so easy when u let me go. no heaviness, no regrets. u were just determined to get rid of me.

i wish u knew how hard u broke me that night. all our dreams, crushed. hopes, shattered. there was no light. yet there were more promises. “ sayang, i just want you to know that at the end of the day. i’ll find u” words i held on for days not knowing if u actually mean it. dont know how much thats worth to u now. another bullcrap?? not surprised!! promises are meant to be broken right?? u said ull come back then a few weeks later “dont hope for much”. shit fucking hurts dude. and how u just forgot i existed, just like that. like how can u not miss it at all. were u just pretending all this while? was it all for show, was it superficial?

THE AMOUNT OF QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR YOU.. dont even get me started. when did u fall out of love? what was i lacking? was it me? was i suddenly not worth anything anymore? was it easy for u? do u think about me often?  do u find it hard to sleep? how often do u cry to sleep? do u even grieve over me? do u wake up in the middle of the night crying over the same voice and face visiting? because i did. i lay awake, wondering where was my fault and flaw in what we had. was i too hard to love? am i just not worthy enough? did i ask for much? AM I NOT FUCKING WORTH IT??? where do is stand in ur ife? why didnt i love u harder? if only i understood u better. if only i didn’t want to call u ever night. if only i didnt love u too much. so many ifs. these were what was spiralling inside me for weeks. still is if ure wondering though i doubt u do. u dont give a shit.

do u wanna know about my nightmares, the bad dreams i woke up to about u? the voices in my head? how i break down in the middle of nowhere as my head replays the exact words u said when u dumped me?? how i wake up crying from the same dream about u leaving?? i hate that i let u in so deep. i hate that i keep reminiscing all our better days when u clearly left me alone when i needed u the most. i hate that i let u break me this bad. i hate that despite all that i have said, despite all the rage and hate, i hate that i understand. i understand how hard this is all to u. i understand how bad ud feel knowing u break someone this bad. i hate that despite everythig uve done, i still cant unsee the good in ur heart. i hate that despite ur absence i still cant find ways to unlove u. 

i pray to god everyday to heal me, to fix each and every of my broken parts inside me. 

i also pray to god for ur contentment and happiness, for the burdens u carry to feel lighter without me around. i also pray that He eases ur journey in whatever ure going through. i pray that He’ll take care of u now that i am not allowed to do that anymore. and i hope He granted all of it. i hope He hears me. especially because i want u to feel better, i know how dark it must’ve been for u. i never thought it would come to this. we were so happy. no red flags whatsoever. 

of course i also hope ure suffering. i hope guilt drains ur life out of u everyday. i hope it hurts u as much as it hurts me.  in spite of everything, of course i also wish u well. 

i don’t know if there will ever be days when i can unfeel ur absence again, when the sudden pain doesnt come anymore. i dont know if im ever gonna be okay but heres to everything ive been keeping inside of me. now out at last.

[enigmasalad]

Falling Apart

(Inspired by @sugarglider9603 ‘s and @galaxy-lilies-main spiderverse au and an ask on it saying if virgil died what if roman became a villain. WARNINGS: Mentions of explosions, graphic things, murder, loss and mind control. )

Have you ever seen anyone fall apart? Roman has, and what a tragic, gruesome event it was. Roman remembers the day clearly. Spidergale and Royal Slinger were called to an emergency revolving around the subways. No one knew what it was, just that they had to get there quick. So here Roman was, swinging from building to building with the love of his life to save civilians once again and please their fan base. “Whoever rescues the most people or stops the situation first will get to choose where we go for date night. How about that Gale?” Roman proposed as he swung forward. Virgil chuckled and swung in time with Roman. God Roman could never get over that laugh. “You’re on Slinger. Prepare to eat at Petrov’s.” Virgil remarked with his signature sass. “But we always go there!” Roman whined. “I like Russian food okay? Don’t judge!” Before Roman could remark again, they heard people screaming. In an instant, both stuck to the side of a building to observe what they were up against. People were pouring out of the subway entrance. That’s when they heard someone scream “It’s a bomb!” Great. Roman fucking hated bombs. The two heroes rushed into the subway station. Following the path where people were running from, they easily found the subway stop that they needed to go to. “Fuck.” There was a whole subway filled with people, screaming and banging on the windows to escape. As they could see, the doors had a strange bomb stuck on it, sealing the poor passengers inside. “Alright Slinger we need to break the windows and start getting people out! Why don’t you start on that while I defuse this son of a bitch?” “Copy that Gale.” Roman hurried to a window farther away from the bomb. With a punch the glass shattered into a million pieces. “Never fear, Royal Slinger is here! And Gale.” “Fuck you.” Virgil grumbled, examining a wire. Roman smirked for a millisecond before addressing the passengers. “I need you to be as calm and orderly as you can while Spidergale stops that bad boy. No pushing, shoving or sudden movements okay?” Once he was sure everyone was on the same page he started helping them out. Once they were out he instructed them to run like hell, which they of course did. Roman was in the muddle of helping an elderly woman out when he heard Virgil make an ‘aha!’ noise. “The bomb’s defused but I don’t know for how long. There’s a possibility its remote controlled.” He said. “Meaning?” Roman asked just to make sure. “Meaning we should try to haul ass.” Roman put a business man onto the platform while Virgil began to help people out as well. Roman helped a pizza guy onto the platform as Virgil went to the last people, a woman and her baby. “C’mon Miss. I’ll help you guys out.” “Oh thank you Gale!” Roman was about to turn back to the platform when his Spidey sense started tingling. Uh oh, it was behind him. Roman seemed to turn around in slow motion. The child the woman was carrying started beeping. “FU-“ “VIRGIL!!!” Roman suddenly couldn’t hear. He didn’t need sound to understand what was going on. That child was a bomb in disguise. Even though Roman couldn’t hear, he could feel a blood curdling scream escape his throat. Days passed and Roman could still see the haunting image in his mind. They were burying Virgil today. Or, what they could find of him. Roman fucking laughed. They couldn’t find all the pieces of his dearest and yet they were fucking burying him today? That’s absurd! He couldn’t give his love a farewell kiss or a flower because Virgil wasn’t fucking together. Roman couldn’t hear Grandma Storm or Patton sobbing. He couldn’t hear the speech that Logan had made. He could see Logan physically struggle, but Roman didn’t care. His eyes were focused on the coffin. Virgil would probably complain that his coffin wasn’t “edgy” enough because it was white. He could hear his love’s voice. God this was awful. Roman blinked and suddenly the coffin wasn’t there, just a headstone. He felt a hand on his shoulder and somebody hugging him. He looked down to see Patton hugging him tightly. He turned to the side to see Logan, trying to keep his stoic persona, look at him with sorrow no human should ever have. Wait, was he crying? Fuck. Roman had been crying and he didn’t even know. He could hear Thomas say something but the words were muted by..his own sobs. Roman finally fell to his knees, carrying Pat with him and wailed. Have you seen anyone fallen apart? Logan has, and it was unexpected. Nothing was the same after the loss of Virgil. Grandma Storm quickly passed three months later because her body couldn’t handle the stress and grief. Victory dinners at restaurants felt dull when they’d be painfully reminded about the one empty chair. The headquarters just felt off. Logan would often wake up at night and hear Thomas crying. What was the worst thing of all was how Roman handled all of it. For the first year Roman was in between lethargic, depressed and angry. Some days he wouldn’t get out of bed. Others, he started taking on challenges way bigger than himself. The worst days was when he’d spend a whole day sobbing. His wails would echo through the headquarters. It was so haunting Patton would cover his ears and quietly cry, begging silently for it to stop. Logan would cover Patton’s ears with his hands or turn cartoon music all the way up until you couldn’t even hear your breath. The second year is when the switched flipped. Roman, instead of moving on with his grief in a healthier way as suggested by Picani and Logan, turned aggressive. He’d get into screaming matches, took on suicidal missions, and had even beaten a villain so hard he died in the hospital. Thomas organized an intervention and of course everyone was there. Patton was sobbing and begging for Roman to get some help. What happened next was terrifying, and Logan’s own fault. “Virgil wouldn’t want you to be like this Roman. He’d want you to sing and laugh and be ridiculous.” Logan expected Roman to give in at this, but that’s not what happened. Something flickered in Roman’s eyes. Suddenly Logan felt himself be slammed into a wall. He couldn’t breathe because Roman was strangling him. Roman screamed with a rage almost inhuman. “Don’t you dare fucking say that name! Don’t you fucking dare tell me what he’d want! You putas didn’t even help!” Logan suddenly gasped for air as he felt himself fall to the floor. Thomas, Emile and Remy were holding Roman back, shouting at him to calm down. Logan coughed as he felt Patton rush in and hug him tightly, sobbing at the top of his lungs. That’s when Roman broke free. Through Logan’s blurry vision he could see him quickly run off. Remy and Thomas went to chase him, but Emile rushed over to see if he needed help.

And that’s the last they saw of Roman or Royal Slinger. And that’s when Venganza de Rosas emerged. The first encounter with Venganza de Rosas would haunt Logan forever. A disturbance had been reported so naturally the Spider Gang rushed in to save the day. They were horribly wrong. What, or who they found was Spider Bite. He was impaled by multiple black and red metal roses and limp, blood in a pool below him. Logan rushed to check for a pulse. “Oh god, Oh god please! No more!” Patton sobbed. Logan felt bile rush up but forced it down. There was no pulse. Logan backed up to tell Patton the grim news but something caught his eye. Above Spider Bite was something written in blood.

Venganza de Rosas More and more crimes belonging to this “Venganza de Rosas” person sprung up. Bank robberies, heists, heck even murders besides Dolion’s erupted in their faces. What was the most frustrating is that every time the gang resolved a situation, five more popped up. They had no clue it was the beginning of a bloodier battle. It was realized when a figure attacked Thomas. They attacked the man while he was on patrol. The villain must have left Thomas to die with his spinal injury in an alley alone, but luckily Dream Weaver was patrolling over there that day. Thomas would live, but his spinal injury could take years to heal. He was bound to a wheel chair and hearing MJ sob was enough to make Logan storm out of the hospital room in a flurry of mixed emotions. Everything suddenly became a massive shit storm. Cotton Candy Spider went missing for three whole months before they found his body in the sewers. Dream Weaver, overcome with grief of both of his loved ones killed himself. It’s been five years since Virgil died, two years since Roman stormed out, three years after Dolion’s death, eight months since Emile was found and three months since Remy committed suicide. The Spider Gang was crippled. Logan never let Patton go on patrols anymore. Ever. Patton fought every chance he had but one sharp order made him give in. Patton helped Thomas and MJ anyway he could, but he wanted to go save people. Finally In the first time in years, they had a stroke of luck. Logan was ambushed by the figure. The person was probably male, was slightly above average height and had some muscle on them. They wore a black and red mask with bloody roses on it. What was most odd was the suit. They wore a red and black floral tuxedo, but instead of a tie they wore a scarf. Logan dodged an attack and quickly scanned the suit cause no way in hell would a villain just wear a freaking cloth tux by himself. Logan was shocked at the results. It was made from Vibranium. What was the most shocking was the advanced analysis of the DNA Logan had installed just for Venganza de Rosas. Roman. It was fucking Roman. “Roman?!” Venganza de Rosas laughed, heck cackled with malice. This was Roman, holy hell. “Took you long enough Specs. What, it took two murders, a spinal injury and an ambush? Very slow of you!” Roman snarked. “What the fuck Roman?!” Logan growled out. His hands shook and his insides were cold. All this sorrow and rage built up over the years was ready to erupt. “You killed our friends, your friends, for what?! Fun?! Revenge?! All because we all wanted you to get better?!” Logan spat. Roman scoffed and turned around. “You all were never my friends.” With that a loud cloud of smoke floated into the air. Even though Roman was a murderous mastermind he could still be idioti-. Patton hadn’t seen Logan in hours and grew worried. He repeatedly sent messages, checked Logan’s helmet cam, everything. Patton refused to cry. There was no way Logan could be in trouble! He was smart, quick and strong! He was safe right? Right? Suddenly the supercomputer dinged. Patton hurriedly pulled up Logan’s helmet cam. The camera showed nothing but black, but Patton heard a voice. A rough, gravely and wheezing voice. “Subway..platform…seven…help.” “Logan! Logan are you okay?!” Nothing. Patton wasted no time. No way in hell was he going to lose another family member. No way in hell was he going to lose Logan. He suited up and rushed out of the headquarters. Patton barely remembered the trip to subway platform seven. Unfortunately, he knew the way very well. Because that’s where the platform Virgil was blown up at. Patton hadn’t been there in a very long time but he knew it was abandoned due to the danger to the structures the explosion caused. And of course when Patton entered, it was empty. Or so he thought. Weird noises could be heard. Machinery and music floated through the air. Patton gulped and quietly crawled onto the ceiling towards the noise. Along the way he saw..odd objects. A familiar hoodie. Framed ballet shoes. An MCR T-shirt. Patton’s eyes widened as he remembered these items. They were Virgil’s, so why were they here? The music was growing louder and louder as Patton got closer to what he knew was a chamber. What he didn’t expect was to see so much odd technology. There was strange machines with wires and computers. Tables were covered in advanced, almost government level science equipment and strange things in vials. A vinyl player was on another, more empty table. The biggest thing in the center was covered with a large sheet. Patton quietly made it to the ground and out of curiosity walked to the machine in the center. He pulled the sheet and covered his mouth at the thing in the tank. “Patton?” Patton whipped his head around. A cry erupted from his lungs. “Logan! You’re oka-“

SLAM!

Patton cried out as Logan slammed him onto the ground. Patton looked up into his lover’s eyes and gasped in shock. They were blood red. Logan’s eyes weren’t blood red.

“It’s all okay now Patton. Roman is going to fix everything! Our bad luck will be gone and a new world will emerge! We’ll be a family again!” Logan deliriously said with a grin that was way too wide.

“Logan stop it! Stop!” Patton cried, pushing, punching and squirming under the weight of his love.

“Its going to hurt like hell at first but it’s worth it! I promise! Ill be here for you my love!”

“STOP!”

Patton had little time to notice the smoke creeping in through the vents. The smoke seemed to seep into his bones and mind, burning everything that told him to resist into a crisp.

Patton screamed in pain, as his eyes changed blood red. Logan’s kiss was the only thing to mute him.

Blurry eyes blinked. What.was going on? Memory seemed useless, for everything was blurry visions of glass. But now..legs worked. That had never happened before.

The glass door opened and shaky legs stepped into the world for the first time. The lights were bright, but a quick eye rub cleared everything up.

“Ah! It worked! How are you feeling?”

A man. There was..a man.

“…G-Good?”

A gasp could be heard. Voice! The throat had a voice! There was never voice! The man grinned and took hands into his own.

“Good, good! Do you know who you are?”

“N-No.”

The man smiled kindly and kissed the hands.Blood rushed to cheeks, making them warm.

“Your name is Virgil, and you’re my heart. My love. My beloved king.”

Virgil blinked. Love? The word seemed familiar, but he couldn’t place it.It was..nice.

“Come my love. Let us get you dressed and we can talk more. Im certain Patton has clothes laid out for you. Of course everything will make more sense when Logan inputs your memories.”

Virgil nodded, all tension gone. However he still had one question.

“Who are you?” he asked, voice raspy from lack of use.

“I’m Roman, my love. And we will rule this world together with an iron fist.”

[freebooter4ever]

my dad group texted my brother and i, highly unusual, and i think jordan was weirded out too cause his response was equally short and confused. on the list of things my little brother and i have never discussed, our dad’s relative interest or lack there of in our lives is pretty high. dad’s been messaging me since october, asking about stuff like where my next living plans are (which he has never done since i first moved out age eighteen), and i’ve only been vaguely responding to the point blank questions cause its just. so. weird. i think my grandpa’s death has shaken dad’s worldview a bit more than he’s been letting on.

he alienated my brother and i pretty much immediately after his secretive marriage to the bottle blonde rich bitch when i was 22. he kicked my brother out as soon as jordan turned 18, and when i discovered this by coming home one summer and seeing jordan wasnt in the house, i got so fucking mad that it was the first time i ever had a full out screaming match at my dad. and apparently this display of anger was when rich bitch decided she didn’t like me (probably valid, but also ironic because pretty much from birth it was known in my entire extended family that dad and i were almost identical personality wise, and both of us have tempers where we will not get mad at anything but frustration will build up and up until on the rare blue moon it boils over, and oh boy. watch out. those moments were the only times i was ever scared of my dad as a kid and i think it only happened twice in my entire life)(if she thinks im crazy when im angry, she should see my dad)

but i was crazy mad because while i was lucky enough to be put in therapy due to attempting to starve myself into non existence at age 13 (many many sessions of ‘family’ therapy with me in the center of a long couch silently trying to pretend i was invisible and my mom two feet away at one end and dad on the opposite end of the couch, and my mom doing all the talking, ranting and raving about how im starving myself to punish her. and then the therapist kicking both my parents out and trying to convince me to say a few words, and her finally getting me to realize that how my mom treated me was not normal and not something i needed to put up with if it made me sad and scared, and then the therapist realizing that i was still too sad and scared to confront it, and her and i coming up with a compromise where we would tell my mom that i was just ‘really attached’ to dad’s house and it wasnt that i was terrified of living with my mom or liked my dad better, it was that i just really liked living in one place instead of out of a suitcase and moving every week), and so had both the therapist and my dad supporting me when at fourteen i finally said enough was enough and demanded that my dad get full custody so i didnt have to spend every other week with my abusive mother anymore - while i got out of that situation, my brother didnt. i tried, he knew that it was my decision to live full time with dad and i made it clear he could do the same, but just as it was a given that i was identical to dad’s personality, my brother was identical to mom’s so i think he was more attached to her than i was. either way, he always refused and insisted on continuing to live between both of them. after i hit driving age, my dad transferred responsibility to me for shuttling my brother to and from my dad’s house to my mom’s apartment. dad’d lock himself in his room, or go to the gym, and i’d turn on an endless rotation of star wars movies for jordan and i to watch before i had to take him to his next week’s place (phantom menace was our favorite cause darth maul was just cool ok, dont judge).

anyway, the last day i ever stayed at my moms house, my brother was there. and i must have been twenty or twenty one because he would have only been around seventeen. but even at seventeen he was well over six foot five cause he got all the height in the family which was totally not fair but thats besides the point. so while i was there my mom flew into one of her alcohol induced rages, and took it all out on my brother. i had intellectually figured that all the anger my mom used to take out on me had then transferred to my brother once i stopped living there every other week, but up until that point i hadn’t actually seen it. she started shoving him, and punching him, and not enough so it would hurt much, because as i said he was well over six feet and she was barely five six, so he could pretty well block any thing she dished out. but he was cornered, and he looked scared. and i was hiding useless on the stairwell, crying, and begging mom to stop. and it only stopped cause jordan managed to slip out the front door and once he escaped mom went back into the kitchen, still yelling and angry. and i took the chance to grab my school bag and leave in solidarity. and my brother and i stood there awkwardly on the porch, me still crying, and him smoking and trying to look cool and not like he just got chased out of the apartment by a woman half his size. and i promised him we wouldnt go back until she calmed down, and that she was being unreasonable and he didnt deserve any of it, and id figure out somewhere to go. and we started walking down the sidewalk, but not together because we were never that close. he wandered off somewhere to smoke. and that’s as far as i remember.

this day came up in conversation with my grandma in the months after grandpa’s death, during one of our many three am can’t sleep conversations in grandma’s kitchen (grandma would wake up, i’d hear her get out of bed and wake up too. she’d make herself tea and eat some graham crackers and we’d sit together at the table feeling the third empty chair like an ache). grandma brought it up, because apparently, even though i cant remember this at all, i had my no/kia brick phone in my school bag (a minor miracle because i hated carrying around cell phones for the longest time), and i actually called grandma. and grandpa and her came to pick me up, and they found me sitting on a wall a block away from my mom’s apartment, and then we drove around till we found jordan, and then we all went back to my grandparent’s house. after bringing this up, grandma then, completely unprompted, told me something that child me thought about regularly - she said that even though her mom died when she was 8, leaving her to help raise her two younger siblings, grandma thought in some ways it was easier than what my brother and i went through with the divorce and my mom leaving. i used to regularly - not wish my mom dead, exactly - but wish i could pretend she was dead, rather than her just not being there anymore. especially since, when i was suddenly thrown into being her sole emotional and physical punching bag now that dad wasn’t filling the role anymore, a lot of the times being around her post divorce was not a good thing. (I cut off all contact with my mom finally at age 25 and haven’t looked back)

so yeah, i was fucking pissed that i had worked so hard to try to mitigate the damage i caused by leaving jordan alone with my mom for pretty much the entirety of my high school years...only to have my dad kick him out barely a few years after i left for college and thus putting my brother at my mom’s mercy. ostensibly my dad kicked my brother out because of his drug addictions, but my brother was the most mild mannered addict i’ve ever known. the worst thing he ever did was steal a couple hundred dollars from me, but he never got violent, he never got angry. other people got angry at him. my aunt once tried to fight him in a hospital elevator because he sold my cousin heroin or meth or some shit and my cousin ended up impaling a knife in his chest in front of my grandma, which is a whole nother story. but jordan was only nineteen when that happened. my cousin? thirty six. and a long time violent and angry drug addict with a record (he threw a book at his professor’s head and got kicked out of grad school while on cocaine once, which is how he ended up back in washington state and needing a new drug dealer - hence my brother suddenly getting involved) (same cousin later flew into a drug fueled rage in his forties and almost beat his girlfriend to death) (my brother was long since clean by then and had nothing to do with our cousin getting drugs at that point)

all this to say my dad’s rich bitch new wife didn’t think a drug addict and mentally ill artist fit into her picture perfect family, so dad started making it clear we were not welcome at family functions unless we complied with very strict rules. ironically, jordan was let back into the fold first partially because i can hold a grudge for a very long time and i was very very terrified of my mom and dad was the sane stable one and i had trusted him to take care of everything even without me there and dad had failed pretty spectacularly at that. im still bitter at my dad for his secret marriage and subsequent moving into her million dollar mansion and throwing my brother out. but also partially because jordan started following all of dad’s rules, got himself cleaned up (he moved in with his girlfriend, and i think being out of mom’s house had a lot to do with getting over his addictions), started studying computer science, found a really good software engineering job, suddenly dad approved of him. i also partially antagonized rich bitch wife by doing silly things like wearing black leather pants and the most provocative clothes i owned whenever i went over to their house. rich bitch was a very simple narrow minded person with a lot of prejudices. i imagine i was not seen as a good influence on her two younger daughters. and eventually they stopped seeing me altogether. even when i was living in washington for all of 2017 - the only time i ever saw dad was when he’d come visit my grandparents alone. the day before i took grandma on the train to move to ohio, we were supposed to all have dinner together at our family’s favorite place to eat out - crossroads mall - and the rich bitch refused to show up. that’s how petty she is. she also is so dumb she’s under the delusion that kids get into drugs if they don’t have dogs (????) so that’s why she forced my dad to get a dog for her spoiled brat youngest when the girl went into high school. my dad dislikes animals, so i will say one of the highlights of this marriage is seeing my dad become a dog person. the rich bitch and her daughters mostly ignore the dog, but my dad is so attached to max that he even lets the little puppy sit in his lap while driving. anyway, anyone who thinks dogs are the sole answer to preventing drug addictions can go to hell.

yeah, blah blah blah, to sum up its WEIRD for my dad to suddenly be texting my brother and i unprompted, and asking me about my life and my plans. i dont really know how to deal. i miss him. he was always the closest person in my life to the point where even when i moved away for college, i still assumed after i graduated i’d just move back in with dad so it was only four years being gone, cause why would i ever want to live anywhere else?. i kept thinking if i could hit some level of success that he would approve of, that maybe eventually i could become somebody his rich bitch wife would associate with. but that never happened, obviously. 

[bodhimcbodeface]

I wrote me some very soft Build boys, as a sort of response to @cheesethesecond‘s fic

Set after the finale.

Banjou isn’t sure at first what woke him up. The cold, maybe, or the traffic outside this crappy room they’ve been renting, or his own head; he was never all that good at sleeping through the night, even before. He stretches his toes out to the edge of the bed, giving a satisfied groan, then rolls onto his side to try again.

That’s when he hears the whimpering.

Sento is turned to the wall, knees curled tight against his chest, trembling almost imperceptibly. Almost. The idiot keeps trying to be unobtrusive, and Banjou kind of wants to roll his eyes, and kind of wants to punch him in his stupid face, but mostly just wants to hold him tight enough to squeeze all the hurt out of him.

“Hey.” He offers a whisper, trying not to startle him. “Hey. Sento.”

Sento stiffens at his name. “Go back to sleep.”

“Sento,” Banou repeats, softly but a little more insistent. He reaches out to touch his shoulder, and feels Sento flinch away from him.

“That bad, huh?”

“I said go back to sleep.”

Banjou prickles despite himself. “Yeah, maybe I don’t want to.”

“Please,” says Sento, his voice tight. “Go to sleep, Banjou.”

“You go to sleep!”

“I’m not…” Sento sighs, and, exasperated, rolls over to face him.

Banjou stares at him in shock. Even in the dim light he can see that Sento’s face is pale and tear-streaked, aching and shattered.

He blinks. His voice comes out as a whisper. “Sento. What did you dream about?”

Sento twists up his face and sobs.

Banjou catches him, pulling him into his chest effortlessly, cupping a hand around the back of his head. Even as he does so, he feels his muscles tense with anger because none of this is right. Sento should never look like this, should never feel like this. He should never have been built for the purpose of being broken, should never have been made to carry the weight of everyone he couldn’t save. He should never have taken the world onto his shoulders— but then again, he wouldn’t be Sento if he didn’t.

Tense and fierce and protective, he wraps his arms around Sento a little tighter, and lets him cry into his chest until the tears soak through shirt, until he finds himself shaking, too, shaking with grief and rage for the broken man who built them all up.

“Banjou,” says a muffled voice from his chest. “Ah--you’re hurting me.”

He takes a breath, forcing his arms to loosen. “Sorry.”

“You need to be more careful, Musclebrain,” Sento says, and the slight smile in his voice takes a load off Banjou’s chest.

“I didn’t realize you were so delicate,” he retorts.

Sento laughs weakly, lingering a moment longer in Banjou’s arms before shifting himself up so they’re lying face to face. Banjou reaches out to wipe a tear from Sento’s eye, and is relieved when Sento lets him. He runs a thumb beneath the other eye then, slowly, patiently, waiting for him to speak.

“In my dream...” he says after a moment, “In my dream I was Katsuragi. I was hurting our friends. I was hurting you.”

“That’s not real, Sento, not anymore. None of it ever happened.”

“Then how come I can still see their faces?”

Banjou can only nod, because he knows all too well what it is to be haunted by ghosts: Kasumi, fading away in his arms; children screaming in the street at the start of the war; Sento, crying out in pain for three damn days in a useless hospital; Sento beaten to a pulp again; Sento on the ground, eyes wide with the realization that he’d killed a man, and vomiting in the sink after Banjou took him home, and sitting on the edge of the bed, his only movement to shrug off the blanket Misora had laid over his shoulders...

Banjou shakes his head to stop his thoughts running wild, then takes either side of Sento’s face with increased urgency.

“So it happened,” he says. “So it’s real enough. But that’s not who you are anymore, okay? Because if that happened, then so did everything else, so did everything that makes you Sento.”

“That doesn’t make up for it.”

“Of course it does! Please, I can’t keep watching you...You undid the damage. You undid the war. Hell, you saved the world, Sento, isn’t that enough?”

“I...I don’t...”

“And you saved me.”

And maybe it’s selfish, but Banjou hopes that might mean something more to him, more than the damage undone, more even than the world.

Sento kisses him, proving him right.

He smiles wide under Sento’s lips, relieved and proud and above all grateful for the privilege of being there for him.

Sento pulls away. “Stop smiling like that and actually kiss me back,” he says.

“Make me.”

“Tomorrow,” he says, settling his head against Banjou’s shoulder. It’s clear that exhaustion has taken him, and he himself feels drained as well; maybe they’ll both sleep till morning. “Tomorrow I’ll make sure you pay me back for it.”

“Shouldn’t be a problem,” says Banjou, wrapping an arm around him, glad to feel the steadying rise and fall of his chest.

“Thank you,” he says, his eyes closed, his face looking almost peaceful. “Thank you, Banjou.” It’s clear from the way he speaks that the teasing has stopped.

Banjou doesn’t think he’ll ever quite understand how he’s the one being thanked.

[eternalmydnyt]

So I decided its time for another one of my random peeks i give into my insanity. This is the playlist of songs on my IPhone. Some are there just because i like them but for the most part music is a form of self therapy for me, the voices find things in life which lets them feel manifest and music is a way to feel them, touch them, and communicate with them in a generally harmless environment. Plus this can give anyone who reads an glimpse into my head and my tastes

In no particular order Im going to follow this format for the list

"Title" Band

Affecting Lyrics

How it affects me

Lets begin shall we?

"Get Well" Icon For Hire

Don't tell the others but it's all getting old

I mean how many more times must our stories be told?

And being lonely's only fun in a group

It sort of loses it's charm when it's true

This is a song about someone who is tired of suffering. Someone who has decided that its time to get serious about changing for the better. The voice in my head who reacts most to this is Eleni, Eleni doesnt want to be broken anymore, doesnt want to be crazy and fractured. She is my internal caretaker and OCD. She is who i draw on when i need to get things done regardless of how i feel.

"My Name" Shinedown

My name is worthless like you told me I once was

My name is empty cause you drained away the love

My name is searching since you stole my only soul

My name is hatred and the reasons we both know

Micheal... he is so angry all the time. Angry about the past, angry about the present, angry about the future. He is my rage at a world that should be more then what it is. Micheal is the one who is most "Me" of the voices. He is the one who is the closest to being who i would if i didnt have to constantly wear a thousand masks for society. He cares about some but in general he just wants to see everyone burn until they understand his pain.

"Break In" Halestorm

You are the only one

The only one that sees me

Trusts me and believes me

You are the only one

The only one that knows me

And in the dark you show me

Yeah it's perfectly reckless

Damn you leave me defenseless

So break in

This is my song i dedicate to Francine and everything she does for me. She is one of only 3 people who I truelly trust and who knows almost everything about me. She has saved me.

"Carry on my Wayward Son" Supernatural 200th Episode Cover.

Masquerading as a man with a reason

My charade is the event of the season

And if I claim to be a wise man,

Well, it surely means that I don't know

Ok this one is just because i REALLY like it. Especially this version.

"Indestructible" Disturbed

Another reason, another cause for me to fight

Another fuse uncovered now, for me to light

My dedication to all that I've sworn to protect

I carry out my orders without a regret

Ahh Alex. He is aggressive and territorial. He isnt Angry the way Micheal is but he is more violent. He was the part of me that couldnt remember fighting back against bullies, the part which would lash out in violence against anyone who mistreated me. He was dangerous and volitile in school but he had reasons to be. He changed as I got older... now he is more of a gatekeeper. He protects the people i trust... deciding who is "Pack" and who isnt. If he doesnt accept you then I dont trust you. I dont have many in my circle but he is the one who holds the guest list. If you arent in the circle then Alex lets Micheal have you.

"Divide" Disturbed

I am a little more provocative then you might need,

It's your shock and then your horror on which I feed

So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean,

If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be

Don't wanna be another player losing in this game

I'm trying to impress upon you

We're not the same

My psychotic mentality is so unique

I'm one aggressive motherfucker

Now, wouldn't you say

Ever since Micheal became violent he has been fighting against being classified with the rest. He hates being "Just another voice" he believes he is THE voice and the others should serve him. I like Micheal alot... he is one i rely on and consider one of my closest allies because he has the strength to drown out the others when i need him to... but god he can be a self important dick sometimes.

"Without Me" Eminem

Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me

'Cause we need a little controversy,

'Cause it feels so empty without me

This is another i just really like. Hell of a beat. Good music for a walk.

"Fuck Away the Pain" Divide the Day

You hate the way he fooled around behind your back

A slave to him but now with me, no strings attached

But if you wanna use me up and leave me in the bed

If that's what you need go right ahead

Ahh Gray. I was wondering when you would show up. Gray loves this song. Being eternally a teenager his greatest joys in life are Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. If he could spend all his time getting high, getting laid, and playing Call of Duty he would be a happy boy. He reminds me to have fun and relax. I just wish he wasnt so pushy about it.

"Love Bites (So Do I)" Halestorm

My lips are pale and vicious.

You’re foaming at the mouth.

You’ve suffered in the darkness.

I’ll suck the pain right out.

So come and taste the reason

I’m nothing like the rest.

I kiss you in a way you’ll never forget about me.

Two Gray songs in a row. He is a firm believer that the best cure for pain is to leave it behind with fun and pleasure. Someone hurt you? Leave em behind and find something better. He doesnt get why it has to be any more complicated then that.

"Innocence" Halestorm

Is this what you wanted

Did I make your dreams come true?

You're sitting in a corner

Wondering what you got into

And you ache for things you don't understand

That your tears don't mean a thing

I only cum when you scream

Raven. I dont talk about her much. Micheal is angry and Alex is Violent but Raven enjoys it. Raven wants to inflict pain not for revenge or to protect me... she wants to inflict pain because she enjoys it. She loves the idea of having power over another person and being able to control the difference between their pleasure and their pain. finding out just what it would take to push someone to the point where the carress of fingertips and the carress of a blade provoke the same reaction... be it screams or moans. Raven came to being during a time in my life when all i did was suffer... and when all you do is suffer you find ways to enjoy even that.

"Leave it all behind" Cult to Follow

Forget the decay

And the endlessness of all of our mistakes

Forget all the blame

And the apathy

And throw it all away

Forget the Pain

Forget the Hate

Forget all your Enemies

They never will break you again

This would probobly be most associated with my serpent. He isnt vocal... he is cold and empty... armored and predatory. He is instinct and survival. He turns me off. When my emotions are more then i can handle his scales harden me and keep them out... better to feel nothing then to be overwhelmed.

"My Songs know what you did in the Dark" Fall Out Boy

A constellation of tears on your lashes

Burn everything you love, then burn the ashes

In the end everything collides

My childhood spat back out the monster that you see

Another Micheal... have i mentioned he is loud? I think one of the largest things that fuels his rage is the fact that maybe I would be so much healthier if someone had jus seen what was going on when i was a child and helped me then... no instead the schools were content just labeling me "Antisocial with Anger Control Issues and an Overactive Imagination" Fucking lazy ass socalled professionals...

"What I've Done" Linkin Park

I'll face myself

To cross out what I’ve become

Erase myself

And let go of what I’ve done

This song speaks to me but its hard to pinpoint why. Theres alot in my life i regret... Life needs a Do-over button.

"Porn Star Dancing" My Darkest Days

She wraps those hands around that pole

She licks those lips and off we go

She takes it off nice and slow

Because that's pornstar dancin'

Gray loves this song... not only for its literal lyrics bot also for the fact he has convinced himself its one long ass Blowjob analogy.

"Runnin" Adam Lambert

'Round and around I'd go, addicted to the numb

Living in the cold

The higher, the lower the down, down, down

Sick of being tired and sick of waiting

For another kind of fix

The damage is damning me down, down, down

Love this song... Speaks to me but at the same time it is one that im not sure who in my head reacts most. It just makes me happy.

"Save Yourself" My Darkest Days

You’re the perfect drug when it hurts like hell

I've never needed anyone so much

There’s no-one else I love and I curse myself

Cause the right thing is to give you up

I’m overcome by shame cause I can never change

And you can never understand my sickness

(I’ll never understand my sickness)

This is a Micheal. He is angry and violent and seeks pain on others... but there are people he cares about. He doesnt want to hurt them but he cant change what he is. So I try to keep him tempered with the lighter voices despite him being by far my strongest.

Bah i'm gonna stop here. Theres a few more songs on the list but they are mostly just because i really enjoy the sound of em. Ill put them in a quick list.

"I am Murloc" Elite Tauren Chieftain

"Bad Girlfriend" Theory of a Deadman

"Careless Whisper" Seether

"Chicken with a Train" Cowboy Troy

"Swing" Trace Adkins

"I dont Dance" High School Musical (Dont judge me!)

"Let it Go" Frozen (Dont you dare fucking Judge me lol)

[inenaffable]

Rito Village (From “The Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild”)

i think im making progress, though i still hate this white, white background. i dont know, really. my therapist tells me every week how good im doing, and i feel like, i do, i do. but thats just because ive been ignoring everything. thats because ive been lying.

once i saw a video of  a girl raging about how could people lie to their therapists when she would kill to just have someone qualified to talk to. its not like that, it doesnt work like that. i dont lie, i dont lie, ijust dont tell things, i cant.

how could i tell her? i could never. i dont want to believe im right. she made me reach out for a friend i wasnt talking to, but that made it worse, that made it worse. its not destroyed, no,, its so easy when somethings destroyed, its over, and thats it, and oh lord, for once it wasnt even my fault. but now i have expectations, and i can feel it, i can feel it, its just not gonna be the same, were just gonna... drift away. and theres nothing i can do. nothing. nothing. think about it.

im just running, running, running, running, like i always do. im sorry, i cant change, im so so sorry. i know what to do, i just cant. what, what? ive done it all wrong now, theres no way i could go back. im tired. maybe im just not made for people. i cant let go, im so sorry. you mustnt even think about me anymore, and im still here, all of you. its so hot, so hot, so hot.

im a child, im a child, dont you see? please, please, i know im a baby. dont say that, dont say it, dont you know ill never forget it? im so tired. i wish people could just understand. is it my fault? its not, its not, what am i supposed to do?

im sitting there, im sitting there, and everyone is talking, and i just dont know what the fuck theyre talking about, what am i supposed to do?

im tired of pretending i care. i dont. i wanna sit there and stare at space and do nothing, fuck you, fuck you, youre all talking about something i cant keep up with, cant you see it? cant you fucking stop and look at me and say oh lets change the subject real quick! so i can fucking join you?

am i being too selfish? im sorry. i dont like you. youre not my bestfriends. you dont understand. i hate those people. i hate them. its like, hey, hello, nice to see you, but thats over. weve never been more than that, and well never be. i dont know why im trying.

im not built for this. im not. i want to sit silently and do nothing, i dont want to join your conversation. i dont care, could you please understand that?

i should just accept that im not good with these people. with no people. even with my bestfriends. i cant talk forever. i cant concentrate forever. sometimes i just get wornout. no, i cant keep up with your conversations. no, i dont find humor in the same things you do. and im tired. im so tired of pretending to care all the time. i just dont want to talk about it.

god, im so sick of people. i miss laying down with my ex, silently, sometimes doing dumb little things. i miss the floor, i really do. it triggers me, but thats just where i belong. alone. ive always felt better like that. theres no need to pretend, youre no good at this. its just time. im sorry if you cant deal with it. im also carryying something inside of me, its also hard for me to just accept im uncomfortable and leave it be. i took two whole years and an anxiety attack to get over it, and it wasnt even entirely. ill take my time. im over you, everyone.

except im not. yet. it doesnt even make sense, does it? youre cool and all, but.

she says it doesnt need to be like this. that i dont need to overload everything with emotions. but just look at this. im getting tired. for real. but i wont have anything to do if i stop writing. im sick and i slept the whole afternoon and now i wont be able to sleep again even though my whole body hurts. i need to do a blood test. and a lot of other exams. im kinda scared of how my body has been lately, but maybe thats my fault for not taking care of it well enough. isnt it funny how we cant see anything wrong and then sudenly our body is just fucking rotting from the insides?

i dont want a bunch of people. i just want one. but maybe its for the better that im alone. i cant keep depending emotionally on other people. it hurts so much but i cant move. except im moving, my fingers, haha. im trying not to do what i always do, but its hard. asking you, asking you a bunch of weird questions. im sorry. imagine if someone read this. its funny, im sorry. its funny cause it looks so much like im pretending. is that what you think? god. i miss cuddling so much. im sorry if im weird sometimes. i just need to let it out. but im okay now. oh, and my hair is purple. and pink. its pretty cute. haha. yeah.

[theoneicelady]

This is some weird ass reflection I made about an oc

Id recommend you dont read it

Im just posting It cause Tumblr seems great for keeping stuff when my phone is ass

[21/7 12:27] : You know, its quite interesting

Its not the first time Im in a position like this

The first time, he wanted me to die, just because I was there.

The second time, he wanted to never let me go. And I stayed, and it was worse for everyone. It wasnt love, It was just.. guilt. And manipulation.

This time, well this time I really did die for him. There was guilt, theres manipulation..

And I think Im gonna stay, too. I guess some things never change. I guess some people never learn.

Except this time, I think it must be love

[21/7 12:36] : Thats how it works isnt it?

I cant really explain

And if so, love for what?

For humanity? A humanity thats already condemned.

For the ~friends aka the group of cheaters and liars that couldnt stop trying to fuck eachothers lives up for a second?

For..for him? The guy that couldnt stand seeing me prosper for once even if It was as a TRIBUTE TO HIM. That gathered everything bad in his life and took it out on me, who he was suposed to ~love,

[21/7 12:36] : He who took my fucking life

[21/7 12:38] : He who I still try to see sometimes

[21/7 12:38] : Why do I even do that

[21/7 12:38] : Why do I even do any of this?

[21/7 12:43] : Guardian angel? Fuck off is that what the destiny forces me to do? Didnt work too well for any of us did it

Im not a kind floating entity that can do no wrong and suffers for humanity and the mistakes of others Im not an angel I dont know what the fuck I am

Im just a generic-as-can-get girl who had the misfortune to

[21/7 12:43] : .

.

.

.

[21/7 12:43] : Im tired

[21/7 12:44] : And yet I have more energy than Ive had in years

[21/7 12:44] : Heh

[21/7 12:44] : Love they say

[21/7 12:45] : Those voices in my head

[21/7 12:45] : I guess I really cant change

[21/7 12:45] : Even if I dont know if this is who I am

[21/7 12:57] : Now this just for the record since I am writting down my thoughts

"I think,, one thousand of me is hoping that he can change

At least his mind, you know?

He seems lonely and always bored and

I wonder who I am to him. Not generally but, on the times we hang out for hours

I- that- .. Ill never tell him but I really want to believe thats not just to add to my paranoia. That would suck.

I was gonna say maybe its more than 1/1000 but no. I know. It really is just that much that has hope.

Why do I do it then

Well I think the sad truth is that deep down some of that desolate, tired part of me just..wants to be with him. And pretend nothing happened or that it wasnt a big deal.

I could say its so that wherever he is if It can reach him he can have peace of mind

But no... I think Im doing this for me. Just like how funerals are for the alive, you know?

Its as close as Ill get to being with him again. Even if its just his body. Even if its all just pretending.

[21/7 12:59] : I m not even sure if I can feel anymore

So what would it matter if all the feelings were fake?

[21/7 13:00] : Who would be there to notice

If I am not

[21/7 13:01] : . .

.

[21/7 13:05] : And then, It comes

I am suposed to keep fighting and kinda triumphantly win at the end

But that wont bring any peace to him and, I can bring mine at any moment

Would I be calm? No

But, what is peace of mind when ones dead

Just some more despair to transcend my corpse and be thrown into the void

With my luck it would reach him but well what else could I do

[21/7 13:05] : ..than bring peace to at least one of us

[21/7 13:05] : Its not like everyone else has too long left anyway

[21/7 13:07] : Maybe I should try to rest while its lonely; lest I be dragged into another eternal curse once everyone else falls

[21/7 13:09] : Then, finally, we cant ignore the rest, biggest part of the motive which is, I would guess, the burning fury against all thats happened

[21/7 13:10] : That for once, and unlike in real life, It has one and only one culprit, Who caused everything and onto whom to discharge the anger

[21/7 13:12] : Of course this is also an illusion for in that anger I try to hide the pain of who it was that caused him and what I did to elicit it

[21/7 13:15] : Which makes everything even more tragic cause as everyone would agree both that and her were not deserving of what came

Then theres also the other girl who while being an awful human being could not possibly imagine what her actions would result in for us and possibly the world

Obviously she is not at fault for all of this even if she was to blame for starting this awful spiral of pain

[21/7 13:22] : But, back on track, theres so much anguish burning inside that trying to take it out on someone that can not be hurt and looks like the lost lover is just asking for things to go wrong

Since he can not feel could it be that I am harboring the storm that is the feelings of b/o/th souls?

Cause that would be fucked up as fuck and I cant take all this torment for something that is, in all levels of reality, false

[21/7 13:27] : I am too calm at the moment to bring out the real rage iside

And since its the most usual and easy to replicate emotion I think its easy to conceive and will be leaving this here for today, hopefully not forever.

Unless a wet-with-tears rant of rage comes that needs to vent I probably wont get back to it.

I am waiting for it I just really dont want it to visit.

[21/7 13:27] : Goodbye~*

[21/7 13:29] : https://youtu.be/hRBOnA0ak4w

[21/7 13:31] : Then again maybe we're all actors in the roles we have to play and until those days come we're all just lonely and trying to live the weird ass alternative version of Life we're cursed with

[21/7 13:33]: I wont try to make Fear misunderstood and a product of his upbringing uwu for a second but his existence IS different and I see how that could cause things

[21/7 13:42] : God this is such a bizarre experience this is horrible

Like yeah Im here simpathising with my (& my bedt friends) murderer hanging out and carrying a encarnations of Life/death type relationship while I also have to fight and like trick him into dying in the distant future OH and he also likes to psychologically torture me and my friend and we're suposed to have this friendly at odds, lanzando pullitas kind of thing but god dang it this is too much holy god the only way to not go mad is not caring

AND I KNOW HIS OBJECTIVE IS TO DRIVE ME MAD OR MAKE ME QUIT

AND I KNOW in his description by the author a whole part WAS literally "hes the result of being raised without love" BUT HOLY FUCKING FUCK SHIT man WHAT THE HELL

This is worse than stockholms syndrome cause its all from hIS body and I dont fucking

Like

I just

This would never in a millions years work like this if it wasnt HIM and ME and THEM and GOD DAMN this is a weird fucking thing to attach my existence to FUCKING GOD

-

Its nice to have an hyperfixation again and It being so unique? Omg. I probably wouldnt be able to be without it (one) no its not worrying its just nice -

Justo después fue la warner

And now, like a week after this

I just saved his fucking life

Sympathise? Lmao

Of course he lied about what I was doing but, I KNEW It wouldnt be good

Did I just make him inmortal. I fucking think maybe.

But he said he needed my help ah

Also when I freak at how cute he is he goes torture my so like a child le somethin

Ay lmao what the hell