#and if this still happens if solas is in a relationship with lavellan that’s nasty fucking work solas is a sick fucking man

[inanshalla]

EXCUSE ME????????? WHY IS SOLAS HOLDING MYTHAL HOSTAGE???

[rosella-writes]

writing tag game

Thank you so much for the tag @noire-pandora, @kittynomsdeplume, @melisusthewee and @emerald-amidst-gold <3

Whoooo boy, here we go.

How many works do you have on AO3?

17, but quite a few are just one-shots. I only have a couple long-fics, mostly because my poor ADHD brain is cruel to me.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

190,052, but if I hadn't orphaned my old (and embarrassing) Skyrim and Sherlock fanfics it'd probably be closer to 300,000.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

honey just put your sweet lips on my lips - 579

i couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted - 56

a fuller feeling (a brighter burst) - 54

Eunoia - 40

i'd wanna be felled by you, held by you (fuel the pyre of your enemies) - 39

(And to be perfectly honest, my most popular fic is by far my worst. I spend so much more time carefully crafting for Eunoia than I do anything else, but the little following it's picked up has made it worth more to me than all the kudos and comments on "honey.")

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I do! I used to be terrible about it, mostly because the vast majority of comments I once got was hate (I wrote for a weirdly unpopular wlw pairing). Now I make it a point to respond to every single one when I can, even the short ones, to thank them for taking the time. It means so much.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

It was a drabble for the r/dragonage writing thread, actually! The premise was a font in the Black Emporium that would show your OC the outcome of a decision made differently. I wrote Eliana Lavellan from Eunoia discovering what would have happened if she'd fought with Solas in Crestwood until he told her the truth... and its outcome was worse than the timeline where he left her and kept his secret. You can read it here (it's about 1200 words, nice and short).

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

My various Solavellan pairings don't get happy endings. Evelyn Lavellan was more of a narrative tool to explore Solas with, so her ending was cut short. Eliana doesn't have her ending yet, but it will be bitter and painful. My happiest ending was for my Bella/Rosalie pairing for Twilight - Bella became a vampire and lived happily ever after with her wife.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I don't, unfortunately! Since my days on tumblr and FFNet, S*perWh*L*ck left a terrible taste in my mouth when it came to crossovers. I'd be open to it one day if I can find fandoms chill enough.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

As I previously mentioned, yes. In my Bella/Rosalie fic, I made it a point for Rosalie to love all the parts of Bella that weren't conventionally beautiful. My Bella is also a dark-skinned black woman, and the intersection of racism, colorism, and misogyny where it concerns attractiveness was something I thought worth including because I didn't see enough of it in fic. I wanted to highlight all the things that don't get enough attention or are actively reviled, like hyperpigmentation, stretch marks, natural hair, soft bellies, areolas and vulvas that aren't perfectly symmetrical or small, pubic hair and armpit hair and little hairs around nipples - things that I love about AFAB people! I got a lot of comments on my smut chapters calling Bella disgusting, or me nasty for choosing to include those traits. I deleted every single one.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

So much. I love exploring pairings or power dynamics that people wouldn't necessarily consider, like a strong female warrior Lavellan domming Solas, or Solas topping Blackwall. I wanted to show a black woman in an interracial relationship with a white woman where she got to be soft and loved gently, where she got to be quiet, bookish, and looked after instead of expected to be the loud, strong stereotype that we pin black women into. I wanted to show the power of masculinity in an elven mage who loves a warrior woman (Solas/Cass), or the nurturing side of domming in a relationship between a pan giant and a bisexual elf (Iron Bull/Solas).

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of, tbh. I turn up to fandoms a decade late, so usually by the time I get any traction the fic-stealers have done their dirty work and leave me alone.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I haven't! I hope to one day write a fic in Greek for my best friend, though. They deserve to read about Solas in their mother-tongue.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope, but have done some plotting with aforesaid Greek friend.

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Solavellan, absolutely. Any variation, honestly - I've loved m!Solavellan, f!Solavellan, as well as any variation including nonbinary, trans, or other interpretation of the relationship. Solas sees and loves the spirit, and I love the idea that its vessel doesn't matter so much to him. I headcanon him as a he/him agender bisexual, for what it's worth.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I've technically marked i couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted as complete, but it cuts off right before Adamant and was intended to be a full Solavellan story. However, I just didn't care for my rogue f!Lavellan OC very much, and didn't think she matched Solas well. I developed an OC that I enjoyed writing much better and rolled with it. So, I'm sorry Evelyn Lavellan, but your story is frozen with the two of you happy in bed. Solas will never break up with her so long as I don't write that part, right?

What are your writing strengths?

I love dialogue and crafting character voices! Getting a comment that I've managed to portray a favorite character so well that they can hear their voice in their head as they read? Priceless.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Exposition vs description. I want to show instead of tell, but developing the right environment for a scene can be tough for me. It's so much easier to write that the characters are cold and the ground is wet than to wax poetic about dripping leaves and frosty air. But I'm working on it.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I'm obsessed with it. I love little bits sprinkled through that make sense with context, and culturally speaking it would feel wrong not to sometimes! I'm also the type of person that's always been obsessed with languages, and instead of becoming fluent in one I've learned a smattering of a whole lot. So any opportunity to sneak in some French, Welsh, German when it makes sense? I'm taking it. And don't even get me started on Elvhen or Qunlat because I will sprinkle that shit like biodegradable glitter.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Okay I'm gonna flout this question and just write my fandoms in order:

Sherlock (circa 2010 - 2014)

Skyrim (2016)

Twilight (obsessed from 2005 - 2010 but didn't write for it until 2019 or 2020 when Midnight Sun released)

Dragon Age (March 2021 and easily the most fanfic I've ever written ever)

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

My favorite one to write was probably i'd wanna be felled by you, but my favorite to reread is Eunoia. It's most likely the most honest, least presumptuous thing I've ever written, and it's easily the longest thing I've ever attempted. I'm very proud of it.

As far as tagging goes, I've been very rude lately with it by tagging people late in the day, or tagging folks that I haven't tagged before, and am still refiguring out tumblr etiquette (since I haven't been here since the days of the skeleton war and the Mishapocalypse lmao), so presume if you see this you're tagged to participate. With no expectations nor pressure, though, I'll tag @dreadfutures, @varric-tethras-editor and @blarfkey if they'd like. <3

[tabriscadash]

I was asked this on my old blog right as I set about transitioning to this one, so...

The first character I ever fell in love with: for DA:O, dare I say Daveth? What can I say -- I irrationally got incredibly attached to him. otherwise, DEFINITELY Morrigan, and I have crystal clear memories of my first run through Lothering and looking at Morrigan like 😍 the whole time. For DA:2/E, Carver -- unless you count Anders & Justice since I knew of them from Awakening beforehand, in which case probably Justice. For DA:I, it’s a toss-up between Vivienne or Cole -- I technically liked Cole first but SPECIFICALLY in the supporting material (Asunder), and didn’t vibe with him anywhere near as much in the game, AND I got him as a companion after I got Vivienne, so probably Vivienne.

A character that I used to love/like, but now do not: for DA:O, I guess Oghren? I never loved him, but I liked the idea of him because I really liked the dwarves/Orzammar side of DA’s worldbuilding -- but he’s such an unlikeable character that I just.. don’t vibe with him at all. I debate recruiting him every single time now, and I don’t think I ever do his personal quest (in the base game OR Awakening). for DA:2/E, I don’t really have anyone that fits -- but I REALLY wanted to like Merrill and Aveline more than I did, and especially in Aveline’s case, I can’t stand her and genuinely think she’s the unintended, secret Big Bad of the whole game. for DA:I, probably Cole, bc I was really into the idea of a little walking-corpse serial killer animated by a spirit as per the book, but that’s not really the vibe in DA:I, and combined with the somewhat patronising/ableist language and how significantly he is infantilised (including by the fandom) I just got put off him. I do still like him, but not as much.

A ship that I used to love/like, but now do not: for DA:O, I don’t really have one? I guess see my DA:I answer, lol... for DA:2/E, has to be Anders - I don’t think he’s OOC in 2, but I think his writing does so little with him and he feels v. reductive. Where his relationship could be SO interesting and angsty, it instead is written in a really dull and/or cringey way. It would have been nice to see Anders more like the Anders of Awakening near the beginning of the game (rather than random, infrequent and questionably rare snippets), and then see the progression of his relationship with Justice as the game went on -- I want more interesting abominations, PLEASE. for DA:I, listen I cannot express to you HOW EXCITED I was for my planned Lavellan to romance Sera… also I used to be way more tolerant of Cullen x Amell/Surana ships because, like, hey dark ships are fun, right? But since Cullen’s ~wholesome whitewash~ in DA:I, and his fandom clamouring to absolve him of any wrongdoing ever.. it’s boring to me.

My ultimate favourite character™: for DA:O, probably Sten? or Morrigan. They’re both fantastic, and also are significant comfort chars for me. for DA:2/3, honestly, probably my own Hawke -- I feel so hugely proud of her, and can’t imagine I’d enjoy the game anywhere near as much had I not played it as my Hawke. If not her, maybe Sebastian or Carver? for DA:I, I really love Vivienne, as well as Blackwall, and Solas is a great character even if I probably would not say I liked him.

Prettiest character: for DA:O, we all know it’s Zevran. for DA:2/E, I think Aveline -- although her aggressively bland colour-scheme lets her down in a major way (although I respect her dedication to all orange all day every day). There’s just something about her arms -- very Abby from TLOU:2. for DA:I, maybe Josephine? Ser Barris is very pretty, too...

My most hated character: for DA:O, I really didn’t like Alistair, Wynne and Oghren, and of my companions - Oghren is probably my least favourite. He’s vulgar and also profoundly uninteresting. for DA:2/E, it has to be Aveline. There’s just something about ineptitude and a complete, wilful refusal to take accountability for your actions that I can’t stand. It would be okay if it was an intentional character flaw, but the game/narrative treats her like she’s lawful good and it really annoys me. for DA:I, maybe Iron Bull? He was a huge disappointment for me. I also really dislike Sera, Cassandra, and Varric. I’m so sick of Varric - I never want to see him again.

My OTP: for DA:O, I really loved Zevran’s romance -- but I am also very amused by the fact that Leliana got to ‘love’ status with Kallian accidentally, AND I got the ‘love’ glitch for Justice (👀) and Velanna. I do sometimes wonder about an AU where Kallian is forced to make a politically expedient marriage with Nathaniel Howe for diplomatic reasons in order to consolidate her position as Arlessa, and it being an entirely platonic arrangement (it’s not like anyone expects an heir from an infertile Grey Warden) -- and maybe Zev and Nate kiss sometimes, who knows? I also LOVE my Darkspawn Chronicles AU where Kallian and Nelaros are a happy, married couple each hiding their skills with weapons from each other like dumb, cute sweethearts. They shelter Zevran when he fails to kill Alistair and a poly couple evolves. for DA:2/E, I love the IDEA of a Seb romance that isn’t so strictly conditional around the structures that abused him -- he should be allowed to love, chastely or otherwise, but free from the Chantry OR his position as prince/heir. I’d LOVE to actually have a romance with him where you can actually challenge the abuse he’s experienced. for DA:I, Malika doesn’t have a canon romance (although I think when I replay, I’m going to romance Josephine!) but I think Blackwall has an amazing romance. Solas’ is also iconic, it must be said. 

My NOTP: for DA:O, I really dislike Alistair in a shipping capacity; he’s immature and says a lot of misogynistic shit and I don’t think he’s the worst for it, but I don’t really vibe with shipping him, having played the game as a female city elf. for DA:2/E, I wouldn’t say I have one, particularly? although I really dislike Aveline’s relationship with her husband simply because it seems incredibly inappropriate, given that they work together and she has power over him -- and because I dislike her, generally, I don’t feel inclined to do something nice for her. for DA:I, I suppose Sera/Lavellan -- although I’m not AGAINST it, it just really isn’t for me, having attempted it. I also don’t really vibe with Dorian x Iron Bull. Something abt the way the game handled BDSM and their relationship banter specifically I don’t really like.

Favourite episode quest: for DA:O, probs Orzammar/the Deep Roads. I really love the dwarven lore! and, of course, Fort Drakon is really funny, even though it’s not canon in my game iirc. for DA:2/E, maybe the murder mystery with the serial killer, where ultimately Leandra dies? I also really enjoyed all the companion quests. for DA:I, The Descent (just, all of it, lmao) and everything to do with the Avvar. Crestwood also BANGED.

Saddest death: for DA:O, it’s frankly a fucking INJUSTICE that Shianni gets murdered if you make her Bann of the Alienage -- the idea of that happening whilst Kallian is in Amaranthine and unable to protect her :( genuinely very upsetting. I go back and forth on who is made Bann, tbf, so idk how canonical it is: I think maybe Cyrion would get it, but I’m also endeared to Soris holding the position, with Shianni as Hahren. for DA:2/E, Bethany. I wish both twins had had the chance to reach Kirkwall :(. Let Leandra die instead. for DA:I, maybe not the saddest death, but the most memorable for me was that one sleeping dragon in the Hissing Wastes.. leave her alone. Stay out of a womans’ business.

Favourite season game: DA:O!

Least favourite season game: DA:I.

Character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but I hate: for DA:O, Alistair. I cannot deal with his complacency and hypocrisy. for DA:2, I really disliked Merrill but I honestly cannot remember why. DEFINITELY Varric -- I hated how the game forces you to be his best friend, and if you’re low approval, you have to endure these pointless pissy little comments with this little anti-dwarf centrist pissant. After the expedition, I literally have no reason to put up with him, and I NEVER take him out. I hate that he plays the same role in DA:I, too. for DA:I, the Iron Bull was hugely disappointing, and I also really don’t vibe with Cassandra. She just seems very wishy-washy and complacent and hypocritical, and many of her comments about other cultures seem snide for literally no reason other than bigotry. 

My ‘you’re a piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: for DA:O, lbr probably Sten. Mans is gonna launch a HORRIFYING invasion in the next game iirc and frankly, I’m ok with it. Just wanna see that big bastard again ❤🥵. for DA:2/E, I LOVE Gamlen, ok? for DA:I, I am not sure if I have one.

My ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: for DA:O, if any of you so much as LOOK at Velanna wrong, it’s hands. That includes Bioware. I also feel incredibly protective of and sad for Morrigan. for DA:2/E, probably Sebastian -- I feel so sad for him, and so frustrated by the limitations with the game. for DA:I, I’m honestly not sure.. maybe Josephine? I don’t really feel this way about Sera, but I do think she deserves better from the game and its writing, and also from fandom: there are valid criticisms of her, but the hate she gets is not proportional to any valid issues with her -- and gee, I wonder why that is.

My ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: for DA:O, I did use to find Cullen x Surana/Amell intriguing as a dark ship -- I actually hc that Neria Surana is actually Nelaros’ sister, and have dabbled with it as a dark ship. I also am interested in Loghain/Alistair - which each pretends the other is someone else. Alistair is wooby, hate ships are, in general, fun -- so long as we acknowledge that they are, indeed, unhealthy ships. for DA:2/E, I kind of feel like Sebastian romances are, invariably, kind of dark... and, similarly, Anders romances -- especially with certain red Hawkes, The way it ends is, invariably, bordering on fucked up. ALSO Hawkecest is weird and wonderful: GET WITH IT. 

My ‘they’re kind of cute, and I lowkey ship them, but I’m not too invested’ ship: for DA:O, I joked about Velanna x Leliana once and I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it ever since… Velanna x Sigrun is also something that can be so personal. Ariane x Finn is adorable and are paid DUST by Bioware AND fandom. I actually am really into Anora x Nathaniel & NO I will NOT explain myself; it’s a crackship but it’s MY crackship. for DA:2/E, Isabela x Fenris is super cute, but I don’t pay enough attention to them to really have super committed thoughts & feelings on them. for DA:I, Blackwall x Josephine is cute as a background ship; I also think Maryden x Cole is sweet.

[bri-notthecheese]

Tagged by @connerluthorkent​ ! Thank you so much my dear!! <3 <3 

Pick 10 ships without reading the questions.

1) Nygmobblepot (Edward Nygma x Oswald Cobblepot - Gotham)

2) Mergana (Merlin x Morgana - BBC’s Merlin)

3) Handers (M!Hawke x Anders - Dragon Age 2)

4) Korrasami (Korra x Asami - Legend of Korra)

5) Chlodine (Chloe Frazer x Nadine Ross- Uncharted: The Lost Legacy

6) Midna x Link (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess)

7) Solas x Lavellan (Dragon Age: Inquisition)

8) Hannigram (Hannibal Lector x Will Graham - Hannibal)

9) Cassarric (Cassandra Pentaghast x Varric Tethras - Dragon Age)

10)  MakoHaru (Makoto Tachibana x Haruka Nanase - Free! Iwatobi Swim Club)

1. Do you remember the episode/scene/chapter that you first started shipping 6?

Oh man...that was soooooo long ago.  I played Twilight Princess for the first time when I was about 12 I think, so Midna x Link is the oldest ship on here. But I think I started shipping it after the first third of the game when Midna tries to protect you and nearly sacrifices her life because of it. You get this section where you have to sprint back for help as a wolf with her on your back in the rain as she’s dying and “Midna’s Lament” plays in the back and it was the first time I really felt myself get so worried for a video game character. And after that, she’s a lot more caring towards Link and you can see them grow closer and closer as the game progresses.

2. Have you ever read a FanFiction about 2?

Merlin x Morgana was the reason I started writing fanfiction actually <3 And I have read quite a lot! 

3. Has a picture of 4 ever been your screen saver/profile picture/tumblr?

They have not actually!

4. If 7 were to suddenly break-up today, what would your reaction be?

OUCH™. This question came for my life a lil bit. Ow :(

*SPOILERS* But Solas does fucking break up with you in the game regardless of what you do and we’re basically doomed to face our lover and try to stop him before he destroys the world in the next game. That route/relationship is known as Solavellan Hell. Worst/best? part is that he still loves you and you him. But as for my reaction? Despite knowing it was going to happen somehow, I still sobbed and felt like I’d gotten broken up with in real life. BioWare really knows how to hurt us.

5. Why is 1 so important?

Strap in. I’ve only been into Nygmobblepot for almost exactly a year at this point and I can’t remember being *this* attached to a ship like this for a long time. Part of why it lingers in my mind is because there’s still that slight feeling of disappointment that they were so close to being explicitly canon on screen but homophobia got in the way, and yet they really are still canon in all but sharing a kiss and explicitly stating their mutual romantic intent. These two have checked off almost every box in regards to tropes because they went from strangers to friends to almost lovers to enemies to tentative allies back to friends with their mutual feelings being pretty transparent under the surface. There’s so much to play with in regards to story because you can have your pick of dynamics depending what season it’s set in and the creators in this fandom are next-level. They’re two people that are continuously ostracized from everyone around them and they consider each other their best friend, something neither of which has had before. They’re weird and pretty nasty people, but somehow are canonly so Soft™ when they’re around each other (unless they’re enemies and then helloooooo sexual tension). Both have said in so many words ‘I love you’ to the other and have been beaten, tortured, and thrown their lives on the line to protect the other. They’re stylish evil villains in love with an adorable height difference and their incredible chemistry really makes it impossible not to root for them.

6. Is 9 a funny ship or a serious ship?

Funny! They do have serious moments, but since they are both companions (and don’t have an *actual* side romance) they’re mostly there for humorous banter when you have them both around.

7. Out of all of the ships listed, which ship has the most chemistry?

That is really hard. I feel like it might be a tie between both sets of Murder Husbands: Nygmobblepot and Hannigram.

8. Out of all of your ships listed, which ship has the strongest bond?

Again, I think I might say Nygmobblepot and Hannigram.

9. How many times have you read/watched 8’s fandom?

Twice! I watched the show as it aired and then I rewatched it when my best friend was getting into it!

10. Which ship has lasted the longest?

MakoHaru! They’ve been best friends since childhood <3

11. How many times, if ever, has 2 broken up? 

Damn all the painful questions keep coming for the doomed ships. So, Merlin and Morgana have never officially been together EVEN THOUGH THE WRITERS GAVE US THIS WHOLE THING ABOUT HOW THEY WERE EACH OTHER’S *DESTINY* AND DOOM and yadda yada. But while Merthur is the most popular ship in this fandom, I’ll always have a special place for Mergana because they  could have been something really special had the writers not made stupid decisions and had him not tell her about his magic. (this show in general makes me so bitter lmao) But they were really great friends in the beginning and him poisoning her would probably uhhh be the breakup and then it just got worse from there :(

12. If the world was suddenly thrust into a zombie apocalypse, which ship would make it out alive, 2 or 8?

Definitely 2 because they both have incredibly powerful magic. 

13. Did 5 ever have to hide their relationship for any reason?

They are in the early stages of their partnership ;) The game takes place over the course of 24 hours so they aren’t quite there yet, but I doubt they’d hide it once they did get together. 

14. Is 4 still together?

Yes they are!!! And I have all their graphic novels thus far to keep getting all of that good Korrasami content <3 

15. Is 3 canon?

Yes it is, in my world state at least. They broke up for about half a year after the events of the second game but have been together ever since and Hawke gets to talk about his bae when you meet him in the third game ^_^ 

16. If all 10 ships were put into a couple’s Hunger Games, which couple would win?

Uhhhhhhh there’s like 3 people in this list that are ‘the most powerful magical being in their universe’ so. It’d be down to Merlin/Morgana, Korra/Asami, and Lavellan/Solas. I feel like due to the fact that neither favor underhanded means typically, Korra/Asami would be out. But Merlin, Morgana, and Solas are real bastards so it might be down to raw power mixed with what sabotage is laid out. 

17. Has anybody ever tried to sabotage 10’s ship?

Not really, everyone in universe kinda knows they’re a thing. 

18. Which ship would you defend to the death and beyond?

This is like my fourth tie but it’s gonna be between Nygmobblepot and Mergana. Nygmobs because they’re meant for each and have said so. And I’m currently obsessed. Mergana because it was one of my very first ships and even if it still ended tragically, I’ll always mourn the boatloads of potential they had for some really intriguing stuff between the two of them and never touched any of it.

19. Do you spend hours a day going through 1’s tumblr page?

Thankfully I’ve calmed from when I first got into it but I generally have a daily check on here and AO3 <3 

20. If an evil witch descended from the sky and told you that you had to pick one of the ten ships to break up forever or else she´d break them all forever, which ship would you sink?

Well since Mergana is DEFINITELY broken up forever, I’ll pick that one. 

This was SO FUN!!! Thank you so much again for tagging me!!! <3 <3 <3 Tagging @midnightanddiamonds​, @bisexualmoron​ @wicked-eyes-and-wicked-hearts​ @kessilover​ @jesscoot​ if you’d like to do it and anyone else who’d like to try!

[rosexknight]

Why do you hurt?

“Rules: Take this quiz for one of your OCs. (Only 8 questions, some of them are a little… U-Quiz-y, but I liked the results.)”

Again, copied from @/lavellander I hope that’s cool ;-;

Initial results here and then longer more rambley thoughts under the cut.

Neria Surana:  you swallow pain & fold around it

you have always hurt. you hold it carefully, and twisted in such a way that other people don't have to see it. you don't choke on it. you don't drown. you just have it, the way some people have freckles, this is a thing that lives in your bones. you fold instead of fighting because you know how to make yourself small, tuck away the places where they have clawed at, swallow the bruises so you seem clean. nobody needs to see it. you will live through this on your own. you know what you need, and relief isn't it. this doesn't mean you cannot reach out - it means it is not in your nature to do so. you should. hiding does not mean you won't be seen.

Marian Hawke:  this isn't enough for you

the words creep into your head in the dead of night one night and you cannot get rid of them. 'this isn't enough for me anymore'. you thought this was enough for you at some point, or maybe you hoped that it would be, but it isn't, and it hurts. you need to change something, or die trying. this - life like this - does not make life worth living. there is a lump in your throat that demands attention every waking moment of the day. there is pain in your body like a cavernous maw you cannot keep balance over. this is not what you wanted. you need to change. you can't stay here. it is not a character flaw you want more.

Elanna Lavellan:  you're choking on how much you have to try

you have tried. you have carried the weight of the world on your shoulders and accepted more responsibilities than you have ever wanted, even intended to gain. it isn't crushing - you are strong enough to hold it - but you are choking. you don't know what to do with it. you don't know where it goes, how to move this weight everyone knows you can hold onto, and do you even want to get rid of it? Never. You would not give this to - force this on - anyone else. but you /can't/. but you are choking on it. your body will hold it up even when you lose all the air in your lungs, and your footing, and your courage. it does not mind choking you. it seems almost designed to do so. if you weren't wrung out you wouldn't be doing this thing properly.

They are so perfect. So painful. Y’all have no idea. Anyway have fun with my OC rambles.

Neria Surana:  you swallow pain & fold around it

Y’all have no idea how perfect this is. Neria went from a favorite in the Circle, completely untouchable, to a Greywarden freshly betrayed by one she thought was her best friend. Going back to the Circle after it had fallen FUCKED her up.  After Ostagar, when she, Morrigan, and Alistair went through Lothering, she heard whispers of something happening in the Circle. Gossip that something was wrong. But Arl Eamon’s sickness seems more pressing, and Alistair is worried, so her final decision is to go to Redcliffe first despite desperately wanting to check on her home. It isn’t until the battle of Redcliffe is won, Jowan is released, and the plan to get help from the Circle is made that they return. The Circle has fallen. The Right of Annulment is being approved, and Neria has to climb the tower, a place once her home, praying that SOMEONE survived. But this really starts it. She blames herself for the Circle falling. She blames herself for what happened to Jowan. She later blames herself for what happened to Anders and Amaranthine/Vigil’s Keep, etc. She’d blame herself for the Blight id she could. Alistair is really the only one aware of this flaw she has, and even then she has never told him the extent of the horror that the Circle brought her. Or how much returning to her apparently old home in the alienage in Denerim broke her. Or how much she felt like she failed at Amaranthine despite both the city and Vigil’s Keep surviving and the mother being defeated simply because Velanna was lost. Because it’s easier to carry that hurt. It’s easier to blame herself, to be angry at herself, than admit that the world is that cruel.

Marian Hawke:  this isn't enough for you

I pondered this one for a bit. Because, logically, it should be enough. Hawke went from a nobody in Lothering to the Champion of Kirkwall. My Hawke specifically, Marian, just wanted some peace and quiet. For a time, she had that. Yes, she lost her family, but she carried on. But then I realized, this is not referring to material wants. This is emotional want. Marian lost one family, and gained another. Varric, Fenris, Isabela, Merrill, Sebastian, Aveline. They’re thick as thieves. She loves them. They make her feel whole. It’s the romance that’s the problem. Anders. In Act 1 she falls fast and hard. Rebel mage with a heart of gold who just cares so damn much? They have a lot in common. In Act 2 she fights for his cause. Helps him in the Mage Underground. Helps him control Justice. Helps keep the Templars off their trail. But then her mother dies, and she sees the horrors. A thought slips into her mind: What if the Templars are right about Mages? She doesn’t care less, but it makes her more conscious of just what is going on with the mages of Kirkwall. Act 3 is when it all crashes down. The relationship starts feeling more hollow. Anders feels as if he’s pulling away, despite Marian’s attempts to keep him close. He asks for her help in the Chantry, and asks her to trust him. She does without question, because why wouldn’t she? (I know he gets super nasty if you decline or press for info but I just never got that far when I was playing.) The Chantry blew. The final battle ensued, and she left Anders behind. Because it wasn’t enough for her. When he comes back to her, it still isn’t enough for her. And it’s not a character flaw to want more.

Elanna Lavellan:  you're choking on how much you have to try

My Inquisitor, I think, is probably the most standard of these three. A Dalish elf. In the wrong place at the wrong time suddenly being revered as the herald of a goddess she knew nothing of and expected to save the world. She jumps into it immediately, whether out of self-preservation or a genuine want for more. She grew up on stories of the Hero of Fereldan and adored The Tale of the Champion. She studies the Chant to figure out what’s so great about Andraste. She learns some formal etiquette from Josephine. She spends time with Leliana and her spies. She spars personally with the troops and makes sure Cullen takes breaks. She writes with Varric. She meditates with Solas. She reads terrible novels with Cassandra. She trains with Bull and the chargers. She plays pranks with Sera. She studies Circle magic with Vivienne. She gets fashion advice from Dorian. She enjoys quiet moments with Blackwall. She listens to Cole as he reads those all around Skyhold. When Alistair and Morrigan and her son Keiran arrive she pesters for tales about the Hero, and laughs with them. But She wasn’t expecting it to be quite so…much. She wasn’t expecting to have half of Thedas on her shoulders. She is eternally grateful for her advisors and inner circle. When the world is on her shoulders it’s amazing to feel like she’s not drowning. Cullen is the most help. Somehow, he always knew when she needed a break, perhaps because he too was a workaholic. Or perhaps it’s because they’re simply stronger in each other’s arms. On quiet days when things are slow and the evening rolls in, she is sometimes caught walking the gardens and courtyard of Skyhold barefoot. It never quite feels the same.

[zenkxthelibrarian]

The Cuddle Puddle

Also available at my Fanfiction.Net Page: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/678820/Zenkx

And so the battle has ended.

Corypheus has been defeated… or rather sent back to the Fade by the Inquisitor. And everybody rejoiced.

Except for her.

Dorian watched her last night, during the banquet prepared by Josephine to celebrate their victory against the ancient evil that once threatened Thedas. The elven Inquisitor, Idril Lavellan, mingled with her guest that evening, smiling at her admirers and her friends as they congratulated her, but her smile never reached her violet eyes. Every once in a while, he would see her duck her head, and from the veil of her silver blond hair, Dorian saw tears form in her eyes. It worried him, as she was his friend, and it pained him to see her at such a state. As their night ended, he saw her retire to her room alone, and he had thought of bringing a bottle of Skyhold’s best vintage and join her, just to comfort her. But a certain lumbering Qunari came up to him, whispering naughty propositions at his ear, and he had ended up in The Iron Bull’s bed again.

The next morning, Dorian woke up late and tried to look for her, but she wasn’t around the grounds of Skyhold. Josephine admitted that she has not left her room at all, and he quickly went to the stairwell that led up to her room. He opened her bedroom door, which was thankfully unlocked, and when he entered, he was greeted with a most unusual sight.

Somebody had laid out several Orlesian carpets in the room, piled with blankets and pillows, with Idril lying on the middle of it, chewing on a cookie, while several people lay perpendicular on her, using the elf’s body as a head pillow.

Nestled on Idril’s left shoulder and neck was Cole, his hat removed and lying beside him, curled up in a fetal position. The boy looked like he was sleeping, but he noted that the boy was holding on to Idril’s wrist as she reached up with her left hand to play with his cheek and light blond hair, clearly comforting her with his presence.

Sera lay on Idril’s right side, using the other elf’s stomach as her pillow, as she looked up at the ceiling and chewed on a cookie, spilling crumbs on her neck and chest as she ate. A jar of the mentioned cookies lay precariously on her stomach, and Idril took one from it, giving the elf a short playful tickle.

And beside Sera was Varric, his head on her right thigh, polishing what looked like a gear from his crossbow, Bianca. It was him who noticed Dorian enter, and he looked at him, “Was there something you needed, Sparkler?”

Dorian grinned as he entered the room and stood near Idril’s head, and she smiled as she looked up at him. “Nothing really… I was just wondering if there was an orgy I wasn’t told of. But this seems like an awkward position to do it, though…”

Idril laughed as she reached up and grasped his ankle with her right hand, “Sorry. No nastiness going on here, Dorian. This is just my Cuddle Puddle.”

“Cuddle… what?”

“My Cuddle Puddle.” Idril said, “I defeated Corypheus. I saved Thedas. And I thought I should celebrate… but…”

Immediately, tears formed in her eyes and the three people around her reacted. Cole’s thumb moved, drawing circles on her wrist to comfort her, while Sera reached out and gave her cookie again, and Varric patted her knee. He bent over, the pity evident in his eyes as he looked at her.

During their journey to close the Breach and bring down Corypheus, Idril had been smitten with the elven apostate, Solas. Indeed, it was hard to not notice the doe-eyed looks, the immediate concern for each other’s welfare, or the time they spend talking in the rotunda that was Solas’ room. It was evident even to him that the two elves loved each other.

Until they returned from a trip to a glen in Creswood.

In a drunken rage with himself and Varric, Idril told them about what happened. Solas has told her the truth about her vallaslin, the red-tinged tattoos that used to vine on the skin of her forehead and around her eyes. He had told her that the tattoos were, in fact, slave markings during the time of ancient Arlathan. She had told him that he could remove them, and he did, telling her that she was free and that she was beautiful, kissing her passionately afterwards. But the man drew away, telling her that ‘he can’t’ and that he was ‘sorry’, even though she told him that she loved her. She cried herself into a drunken stupor, falling asleep in his and Varric’s arms. They did their best to help her, which must’ve work to some degree, as Idril was able to defeat Corypheus. But when their battle ended, Solas disappeared, but not before telling her that what they had was real.

And that left Idril… the Herald of Andraste… to become heart-broken.

He smiled down at her as he ran his hand on her forehead, now devoid of the markings that once decorated her skin. “Well, this won’t do. You can’t have a proper Cuddle Puddle without wine, my friend.”

Idril smiled up to him, wiping a tear that had fallen from her eye, “I’d like that, Dorian.”

He winked at her, before straightening, heading out of her room to the cellar.

*******

A few minutes later, Dorian found himself lying on Idril’s left hip beside Cole, holding on to a bottle of Aggregio. He had given two more bottles for Varric, and for Idril and Sera to share before settling down, and Sera gave him a cookie. He huffed as he looked up the ceiling and chewed, “You know, this is probably the closest I’ve ever been to a vagina.”

Idril laughed before letting go of Cole for a moment to smack him in the forehead, “No, you’re not. You came out of one.”

“And what a marvelous vagina it was to have given birth to me.” He smirked, causing Idril and Sera to chuckle, “So, is this a new way to brood, my friend? Because I think I rather like it.”

“No, it’s just my thing, I guess. If you like it so much, perhaps we should ask Cullen and Blackwall to cuddle you.” Idril said as she reached up to play with Cole’s hair again.

“Cullen, a definite yes to cuddling. Blackwall? Not so much.” Dorian said as he finished his cookie and drank some wine.

“Eww… Who would want to cuddle that? All that hair.” Sera scoffed as she ate another cookie.

Varric shrugged, “Some women like men hairy, Buttercup.”

“There’s hairy…” Sera said, reaching over to him to touch his chest hair, tickling the dwarf, before she reached up to Dorian to touch his moustache, “And then there’s this hairy. I don’t like ‘em both, yeah.”

“Is that why you prefer women, Sera?” Dorian asked as he fixed his moustache, smoothing it against his upper lip as the precarious elf had messed it out of order.

The other elf shrugged, “Yeah. But there’s one other thing.”

“And what would that be?” Varric asked as he stopped polishing the gear he was holding to look at her.

“Titties.”

Idril, Dorian and Varric laughed out loud, and Sera rose up a hand at her fellow elf, who gave her a high-five. “Well, I guess there is that. Titties are rather nice.”

Dorian turned his head to look at her, “Why, Inquisitor Lavellan, you’re not thinking of turning into a lesbian now, are you?”

Sera looked over at Idril, looking rather hopeful, but Idril merely laughed, “Oh Gods, no! I love penises way too much.”

Dorian and Varric laughed out loud again, and the Atlus mage held up his fist at Idril, who bumped her own fist against his as she had done with Sera. The other elf looked dejected as she returned on her position on Idril’s belly.

“Well, to that I can agree with.” Dorian said, and Idril smirked down at him. “Is that why you’re with the Iron Bull, Dorian?”

Sera guffawed as Dorian flushed in embarrassment before sighing, “Are we back to that again? It’s bad enough that Varric seems to know every detail of that encounter now.”

The dwarf chuckled as he raised his bottle to salute Dorian, “A storyteller needs to find his inspiration everywhere, Sparkles. I’ll make sure to include it in my next book.” He coughed a bit and spread his arms wide, “It’ll go something like… ‘The mage clung on to his lover’s horns, his breath coming in short pants as his Qunari assaulted him with passion that shook him to the very core, trying to still the screams of submission from his lips…’ ”

Idril shrieked an amused but scandalized scream that caused Varric to stop his story and laugh, while Sera laughed out loud on her belly. And for the first time in his life, Dorian remained quietly blushing on Idril’s hip, amused but still embarrassed from the dwarf’s narration… as it was rather on point with his relationship with The Iron Bull.

“I bet it’s like falling through trees into custard.” Sera chortled, rolling on Idril while doing obscene things with her hips, “ ‘Too high! Wham! Too fast! Wham! Leaves! Wham! SPLAT!’”

Dorian flushed into a deep shade of red as his three other companions laughed, and Sera nudged him, “So, is it serious between you and Bull, Dorian? What’s it like? Jousting?”

The Tevinter’s face finally broke into a grin, “Fewer horses, marginally. More cheering, definitely.”

They laughed out loud again, and Idril smacked him on the forehead gently, “Fewer horses? I would’ve thought that Bull ought to be built like a horse.”

“By the Gods, he is.” Dorian admitted as he gave Idril a wicked grin, “Honestly, I don’t know how to get up in the morning. This morning, too, in fact.”

“Mythal’s mercy, don’t!” Idril cried out as she laughed, “Don’t give me a mental picture, Dorian!”

Dorian let out a laugh as he spread his arms in grandeur, “Oh my, is our Inquisitor a prude? Shall I describe it to you? It is rather large and veiny… and it’s about this long and…”

The silver haired elf let out a shriek of indignation as she let go of Cole to cover his mouth with a hand, causing Sera and Varric to burst out into laughter, their eyes filling with tears of mirth. Dorian grinned against her palm, and he kissed it in jest. Idril let go of him to smack him on the shoulder before resuming her petting of Cole’s cheek. “Mythal’s mercy, that is just so wrong….”

“What about his rear, then, hmm? It is rather round and perky… delectably muscled even.” Dorian said as he took a swig of his wine.

“Oh, yeah. I think she’d like that more.” Sera said, still chortling on Idril’s belly, “Our Inquisitor is a rear admirer.”

Varric let out a chuckle before sighing, “Oh great, we’re back to butts now, are we? Perhaps with Sparkler here now, the Posterior Judging will begin.”

“Butts?” Dorian asked before looking at the dwarf, “You were talking about rear-ends a moment ago. How did that happen?”

“It started simple enough.” Idril said as she reached over to Sera to get another cookie, “Sera was wondering that since we saw the Fade in Adamant that the seat of the Maker was a real thing...”

“And a seat needs a butt to sit on it, yeah? So… the butt of the Maker, real thing.” Sera continued, “And from there were started talking about butts. Butts here with us. Inquisition butts.” The blond elf let out a giggle, “Inquisi-butts.”

“Am I allowed to join in the conversation? I have a perfectly admirable posterior, if I recall.” Dorian smirked as he looked up at the ceiling again.

“Is that why Bull’s been lagging behind us now, Dorian?” Idril asked.

“I believe so. He can’t get enough of it, I’m certain.”

The two women chuckled, and Dorian drank some wine and snapped his fingers at Idril, “So, whose posterior would you prefer, Inquisitor?”

Sera poked Idril at her side, causing the Inquisitor to jolt a little, as she was rather ticklish, “She was thinking of our Commander’s arse.”

Idril looked at the other elf in shock, “Sera!”

“I bet it’s from the trainin’, yeah? Templars are always doing exercises and shite.” Sera continued, as if she didn’t hear Idril.

“I’ve been in Circle towers, perhaps Cullen got his rear that muscled because of all those stairs.” Dorian said, “It’s quite an exercise, running through all those stairs from one abomination to the next. And you, my dear girl, have a most excellent taste in behinds. Bravo, Inquisitor!”

Idril’s face turned red, but she smiled down at Dorian, “Why, thank you, messere. I am a bit of a connoisseur in the art.”

Dorian patted her arm, “I can see that. Picking the most best out of them…”

The violet-eyed elf grinned and moved her leg, jolting Varric, “Varric’s got a cute butt, too, actually.”

Sera chortled, “Dwarf-butt.”

Varric chuckled as he looked up at Idril and winked at her, “Why, thank you, Inquisitor. I am honored you think so. If you had seen as many dwarf butts as I have, you would realize what a compliment that is.”

Idril raised an eyebrow, “What? Why do see so many naked dwarf butts, Varric?”

“Because I make any Carta thief take off their pants before I shoot their asses full of bolts from Bianca.” The dwarf said, making Idril chuckle, before shrugging and saying, “But back to our Commander Curly’s posterior…”

“Actually, it seems like all templars have a good looking behind.” Idril said thoughtfully, chewing on a cookie as she stared up the ceiling, “I mean, Cassandra’s got a good girly backside, right? And do you remember the King of Ferelden… King Alistair? We saw him in Redcliffe? I heard he used to be a templar before he became a Warden, and he’s got a good one, too, under that tunic.” She chuckled, “I bet the Hero of Fereldan grabbed that ass often.”

“King Alistair is an ass… both literally and figuratively.” Dorian assented, “Letting mages roam Redcliffe unchecked, honestly. But let us not get too far up there, yes? There are plenty of… as Sera calls it… Inquisi-butts here with us.”

But the blond haired elf chuckled, “ ‘Get too far up there…’”

Both Dorian and Idril silenced as they thought of what was funny, before they laughed out loud at the innuendo, “Yes, quite. I believe I dug that hole myself, didn’t I?” Dorian said smirking as Sera and Idril laughed out loudly again, “But back to our Inquisi-butts…”

“Blackwall’s got a good one.” Idril commented, while Varric shook his head, “Why is it that soldiers have great looking arses?”

“Eeeww… hairy arses.” Sera said, wincing as she bit a cookie, “Kind of makes you wonder if he’s got hair in… places.”

Dorian scoffed, “Well, with that much hair on his face, of course he’s got it in other places, Sera. He’s like a walking, talking, fighting ball of hair and brawn.”

“Which kind of makes him the total opposite of Josephine, yeah?” Sera said as she moved her head from Idril’s tummy to peer at Dorian, “She’s all smooth and shite, and he’s rougher than friggin’ sandpaper.”

“Oh yes, I did hear about that.” Idril said as she twirled Cole’s hair on her fingers, “I thought they liked each other. I even saw the flowers Blackwall gave in Josephine’s table. But how come they aren’t… you know, together?”

Dorian scoffed as he snapped his fingers at Sera, and the elf gave him a cookie, “Blame Orlesian politics and melodrama, my friend. ‘La splendeur des coeurs perdus’ or some strange drabble. Apparently, they can’t be together because of the differences in their station. A pretty daft concept, I admit… but then again, our dear ambassador is as much of a romantic as our Seeker, it seems.”

Sera laughed, “Can’t imagine Josie reading all those books Cassandra’s been reading. But I bet she has… because you know… smut.”

Idril let out a snort of laughter, “Mythal’s mercy, the thought of Josephine reading ‘Swords and Shields’…” She shook her head and lifted it as she jiggled her leg, making Varric look at her, “Speaking of Swords and Shields, just how exactly were you able to write that, Varric? The way you described everything seemed so… vivid.”

The dwarf on her thigh chuckled as he continued to polish the gear he was holding, “I had a pirate captain during my travels with Hawke named Isabela. She had… quite an itch.” Idril laughed a little as he described his friend, “During our adventures, she would often read these things she wrote… ‘friend-fiction’, she called it… for one of our companions in Kirkwall. I had permission to… copy from her works…”

“Hang on…” Idril said, her eyebrow rising, “Are you telling me ‘Sword and Shields’ was based on some sort of… erotic fan fiction written for Guard Captain Aveline Hendyr of Kirkwall?”

Varric’s broad face broke into a grin, and he wiggled his eyebrows in confirmation, causing Idril to slap a hand on her forehead and laugh in mirth, “By the Dread Wolf! I hope you don’t do anything like that to me, Varric.”

“Well, you haven’t exactly divulged any juicy information on your relationship with Chuckles, Inquisitor….”

The dwarf slapped a hand on his mouth, looking up at Idril in alarm, as the answer came out of him unwittingly. Even Dorian and Sera grew quiet, waiting for a violent reaction from Idril, but other elf merely sighed and continued petting Cole, “Well, to be honest, nothing juicy really happened, Varric.”

Dorian breathed out a sigh of relief before looking at her, a little apprehensive at what he was about to ask, “But… the way you talked to each other… I was so sure that he…”

But Idril shook her head, “No, nothing happened. It was just… talks… kisses… meaningful discussions of the Fade and elven history. Nothing more. He didn’t… even say that he loved me back.”

Varric winced, “Well… shit. I’m sorry I brought it up then.”

“No… no, it’s alright.” Idril said as she closed her eyes and breathed in deep, “I was… hurt by what he did. But now… now I think I can make it. He may have left me, but you guys haven’t. As long as I have you all, I know that I’m good.”

They silenced together, basking in the comfort of each other’s presence. Cole opened his eyes and grasped her left wrist again, drawing circles on her palm in a comforting notion. Sera reached out and took her right hand, grasping it tightly, while Dorian and Varric touched her thigh in an effort to make her feel their sympathy… and love. It comforted her beyond words, and she breathed in deep and sighed in happiness before opening her eyes and smiling down at them.

Finally Dorian grinned and winked up at her, “Well, since you are… technically single now, perhaps we should set you up with Cullen? Perhaps get you two to play another game of Wicked Grace?” The Atlus mage let out a most manly giggle that it caused Idril to laugh as well, “He does have a rather delectable posterior, doesn’t he? Rather marvelous.”

“My posterior is… what?”

Idril, Sera, Dorian and Varric looked towards the door, seeing the astounded and appalled look on Commander Cullen’s face as he stood by the door, holding a bunch of papers which seemed to be reports for Idril. At the realization that Dorian was talking about his body, the templar’s face flared red. The Atlus mage’s face split into a grin so devious that Idril started laughing, “Ah! Hello there, Commander! Would you like to partake in our little Cuddle Puddle?”

“Cuddle Pud… what?”

Dorian waved a hand on the Orlesian carpets, the pillows and the pile that is their bodies, “Our dear Inquisitor was feeling… a little melancholic since the disappearance of our bald elven friend, and we are comforting her. Would you like to join us? Surely, you wish to help our dear Lavellan in her time of… need.”

Cullen’s mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, before sighing and running a hand on the back of his neck shyly, “I don’t think I… I have a thousand things to… it seems a little inappropriate…”

Dorian rolled his eyes in exasperation at Cullen’s fumbling excuses, and he nudged Cole’s arm, who opened his brilliant gray eyes to look at him. “Do be a good boy and help our commander, Cole.”

The boy let go of Idril and stood up. Without a word, he went towards Cullen and made him kneel near Idril’s head, coaxing him to lie down so that her head lay on his right shoulder, and his head lay on hers. Idril’s breath hitched a little, and she tried to move her head, but when she realized that Cullen’s face was too close to hers, she stopped moving, her face blushing furiously, and Cole went back to his place on her shoulder.

“Maker’s breath… what am I doing?” Idril heard Cullen mutter out a he raised a hand and massaged the bridge of his nose, “I have a thousand things to do.”

She couldn’t help but smile, “No, you don’t. The Breach is closed, the Inquisition remains, and our soldiers are taking a break after that battle in the Arbor Wilds. We’ve worked too hard, Cullen. We deserve a break, don’t you think?”

Cullen let out a chuckle, “I suppose you’re right. But… are you alright, Inquisitor? You know we have resources. We could ask Leliana’s people to look for…”

The Commander silenced, trying to sense what Idril was feeling, but when the elf remained quiet, he turned his head and promptly blushed, as his lips were an inch away from her cheek.

“Wishing but wanting. Shy but seduced. Hurt but slowly healing. Conflicted, confounded, confused… but comforted. Warmth spreading through her skin like fire. The scent of steel, sweat and wine swirls around her… his scent, dizzying but calming, soothing, serene. It seems wrong, but it feels right. Should I take the chance? Should I take the leap? Should I take the plunge? Mythal’s mercy… he’s so warm…”

All of them looked up to see that Cole had stood, picking up his hat from his spot near Idril, and putting it on so that it hid his face a little. Cullen looked at the boy in confusion from the words he had said. He opened his mouth to ask the boy what he was talking about, when Idril spoke up. “I told you to stop reading my mind, Cole.”

Cole smiled a little as he turned to Dorian, Sera and Varric, wringing his hands as he spoke with a ghost of a smile in his lips, “He was healed by her, but now he wants to heal her. Her pain hurts him. Twisting, writhing, distorting pain in his heart… worse than a dagger… worse when the pain of losing the old songs in the lyrium. Her heart lies in pieces, and he wishes he could help. I will find him… I would kill him myself if I could. She didn’t deserve this. How could he do such a thing? Maker, how can I help her…?”

The Commander’s face flamed red, and Idril’s eyes widened when she realized that Cole was talking about Cullen’s thoughts about his feelings for her. She was about to speak again when the spirit of Compassion looked down at their companions. “He wants to speak to her alone now. We’ve helped. Her heart was broken, and we have helped. But there’s still a piece… a part, a sliver, a fragment of hurt that needs healing. He can help with that. It’s his turn now. We should go. He wants to speak to her alone now.”

The spirit disappeared in a puff of smoke as he finished speaking, and without a word, Dorian, Sera and Varric stood up from their places, with the blond haired elf patting her neck and chest to get rid of the cookie crumbs that have accumulated on her. Varric pocketed the gear he was polishing as Dorian went around, picking up the bottles of wine he had brought with him. Idril looked at them in shock as she and Cullen sat up, “What? You’re leaving?”

Dorian grinned at her as Varric headed for the stairs that led down her bedroom door, opening it for Sera. “Far be it from us to distrust the tried and tested wisdom of our dear spirit friend, Inquisitor. Stay and enjoy the quiet. Our dear Commander should be an appropriate company now, yes?” He looked down at Cullen and winked at him, lowering a bottle of Aggregio on a table near the stairs. “Liquid courage for you, Commander.”

Idril and Cullen looked at them in shock as Dorian descended down the stairs, whistling a tavern tune, and soon they heard the lock of the door turn as they all left. Idril flumped back down on her pillows as she laughed, covering her face in her hands in embarrassment, “Oh Mythal’s mercy, I’m so sorry about that, Cullen. But you know how they are…”

Cullen smiled down at her, “It is… quite alright, Inquisitor. They are your friends. It is only natural that they are worried about your well-being.”

“Not just them, but all of you.” Idril said as she folded her hands on her chest and looked at him, smiling, “I don’t think I could have done any of this if it weren’t for everyone… including you. Especially you.”

Cullen’s hazel eyes softened and a strange look came to his face as he smiled gently her, making him look even more handsome in Idril’s eyes. She blushed harder at his look and she tore her gaze away from him, looking up at the ceiling, lest he could see her emotion.

The Commander moved then, and Idril remained staring up the ceiling as his heavy footfalls echoed towards the direction of the stairs, and she though he had left. She closed her eyes and breathed out a sigh… of disappointment.

But her eyes snapped open when she felt something moving beside her, and she looked up to find Cullen looking down at her, his armor, gauntlets and boots gone, holding the bottle of Aggregio Dorian had left behind. Carefully, he lowered himself down beside her, tilting his head to say that she moved. She lifted herself up a little as the man settled down, holding the bottle of wine on his left arm and the reports on the right. He wrapped an arm around her head as he lay down on the pillows so that her head was nestled on his chest, causing her blush again as she heard the beat of his heart from his chest.

“How about this… I would read today’s reports for you and you can go on… cuddling, I suppose. Dorian did leave me this task to do, and I would be a terrible commander if I did not do what I am told.” She looked up at him from his chest, and Cullen’s face turned red, “That is… if you don’t mind… I mean… if you’d rather not, I would understand… I am rather too forward for doing this, aren’t I? Maker’s breath, I’m making such a mess of this…”

Idril looked up at him incredulously, before throwing her head back and laughing, causing Cullen to blush even redder. She had to admit, being in the Commander’s arms felt right, and that perhaps Dorian was right. She had thought about how it would be like to be with him, as the man was rather kind, loyal, smart, brave… not to mention good-looking. She smiled gently at him, getting the same smile from him, as she wrapped her arms around his mid-section and looking at the reports in his hand.

“Very well… what news for Skyhold, Cullen?”

[impossible-rat-babies]

#30dayDAchallenge

Day 18: Courtship.

Buckle up because Luke has a load of feelings about their characters.

Darva Lavellan: 

I made a playlist of their OTP songs: X

Romanced Dorian of course. I knew I was gonna romance him even before I played the game. It was probably one of my big motivations for playing the game in the first place. (This might also be vaguely messy due to my own weird feelings of romance and such.)

I could have an entire thirty day meme dedicated to the two of them and their relationship and it wouldn’t be enough.

I think Darva had no clue the mess he was getting himself into when they first walked into the Redcliffe Chantry. I think he was confused by the sender of the message rather than the contents of it. Of course he knew he was in danger just from the whole vibe of Alexius and the whole messy time rifts going around. But I think he thought of Dorian as a bit of a tit at first; like he’s a bit pompous, but not like an ass like Solas. But, he did have valuable information to give them a hand. They wouldn’t have been able to get the mages or be saved from that nasty future without Dorian’s help. Darva has a lot of respect for him, especially after getting to know him better and why he’s in the south and with the Inquisition.

He has the courage to leave everything behind and try to make his homeland better because it needs to change. He loves it so much that he can’t let it fall apart or fall to the Venatori or Corypheus. Darva thinks that’s some serious ass shit and god he has some respect for that.

But also he’s like really attracted to him at the same time. Like just listening to him talk in Haven and on their journeys, it’s like: “I’m really, really attracted to him holy shit.”

But like he doesn’t want to be presumptuous since he doesn’t know and doesn’t want to be that person. But, I think he still casually flirts. Like a compliment here, a little something here. He can’t let himself get all doe-eyed though. He’s got a lot of insecurities and gross feelings about himself that he knows Dorian won’t want. Plus, all the duty stuff.

Which is only compounded by him being named Inquisitor and he’s suddenly in charge of everything in name. He’s got this reputation to live up to despite that he hates it. Still, he finds himself slipping up and not being entirely rejected.

Like, oh spending long hours in the library talking and joking back and forth isn’t a bad thing. The quiet talks, pressed back to back while taking watch at camp late at night. Familiar touches like: I’m touching your back to let you know i’m walking behind you (maybe my hand lingers too long), or a reassuring squeeze of the shoulder (and I’m slow to pull my hand away).

He’s never outright rejected and he even swears it’s gently reciprocated. It’s stumbling and he swears there isn’t something there, but he knows there is something there. Still, he can’t be too presumptuous and assuming.

Then Last Resort of Good Men happens and that’s a whole lotta reassurance and he’s not assuming and like there could be something between them.

Then panic sets in and Darva withdraws into a pile of insecurity and bad self esteem. It could be perfect and like holy shit good stuff, but he’s this big important figure for everyone; like a holy figure. But that all pales in comparison to his own shitty opinion of himself and his body. Like he won’t be what he wants like the people Darva loved before.

Then it’s Here Lies the Abyss and all the bad thoughts that he’d forgotten come racing back with the Nightmare and it crushes his already piss poor self esteem even more. But Dorian is there, asking him if he’s alright and of course he isn’t, but the thought counts. He can’t make the bad thoughts go away, but he can be there for him to try and make him feel better.

(Their relationship gets more physical after a trip to some mysterious elvhen ruins where the two of them get stuck in some cave after magic trips over the magic in the ruins and it goes haywire. Aka Luke is a sucker for the troupe of getting stuck in a small closet like space together.)

It’s not a really committed thing until Darva gets Dorian his amulet back. He didn’t have to get it for him, but he didn’t have to help him so much when things get all stressful. They don’t have to do these things for each other, but they do because that’s what caring for someone is like and Darva thinks maybe that’s what love is.

I think he falls in love slowly with a lot of stumbling along the way. (It’s a lot of stumbling and failing on both their parts). It’s a lot of maybe this is what love is, or maybe that’s what this feeling is. Like wanting to keep him safe at any cost is what love is like. He knew he loved him long before he actually said it.

I don’t think he really has a moment where he just realizes all of a sudden that he’s in love with Dorian. It’s just a collection of moments.

He says it not long after the ball in Halamshiral in his quarters one morning. He didn’t really mean to, it just happened.

(And ofc it’s reciprocated and Darva just cries because he’s been given something so utterly wonderful and it’s one of the things that has actually gone right in his life and he loves it so much.)

Their relationship has it bumps and it’s difficult points, but they stay together. Even with the two years between the death of Corypheus and the Exalted Council when they don’t have much contact beyond letters. God, even after the Council when everything is utterly awful; they still hold tightly to each other. If no one else is going to have their backs, they’ll take care of each other.

Eth Tabris:  

(I told myself I wouldn’t freaking fall for  freaking Alistair, but holy shit I fell hard.)

I made an OTP playlist for them too: X

I think it’s a bit of accidental catching feelings that won’t go away and fucking shit i love this fucking dork holy hell for Eth. I think it starts more as a friendship and a kinship that neither feel with anyone else. Like they’re the youngest in the group, the only two Grey Wardens and the rest of them look to the two of them for direction.

They also have a similar sense of humor and she’s willing to go along with his sense of redirecting via humor until he actually wants to talk about what’s bothering him a lot.

With the whole Goldanna mess, she’s like:

“I don’t get family being shitty to family and that was a big ole loss for her. But I know a few things about finding a family and you got one with us. We’re all messy n stuff, but we’re here for you. I’m here for you n shit. You need a shoulder to cry on or you need someone’s ass kicked? I got you.”

I think it takes her a while to recognize that some of the things she says and the feelings she has are romantic. Like Morrigan is all like: “You’ve been smiling for hours since you talked to him and it’s sickeningly romantic.” “Wait, it’s romantic?” “Disgustingly romantic.” And then her brain just short circuits because HOLY Fuck. (On account of her being demiromantic and demisexual.) It hits her all of a sudden and it’s like when you forget something obviously staring you in the face.

I think that’s kinda when she knows she’s in love and HOLY SHIT. It’s all good until the Landsmeet stuff and the throne is questionable. She doesn’t want to lose him to the throne; she can’t protect him herself if he’s not with her. Plus, she figures Anora has been ruling the country for this long and the last thing Ferelden needs right now is a drastic change of leadership. So it’s partially selfishness and politics.

It’s all good until Riordan drops the ball on them that one of them will have to die to kill the Archdemon. And without much thinking she’s volunteering herself. She can make that sacrifice to keep everyone safe, including keeping her love safe. It’s not like she feels that her affections are worthless in the face of duty. She’s willing to sacrifice everything to ensure their safety.

She says no to Morrigan’s deal. It feels like cheating to her; she can sacrifice herself to solve the issue without dragging an unborn life into the mess. She sees a clear solution to the problem and she isn’t hearing anything from Morrigan to divert from that path.

I think he knows what she’s going to do when she leaves him at the gates. He knows what she’s going to do and he can only watch her leave without him. She knows if she brought him, he would take that blow for her and she can’t have that. She can lose him, but she can’t lose him. (No one said her logic was particularly strong when things were going to shit.)

She knows their love would’ve lasted if she hadn’t given herself up. They would’ve spent what time they had together and it would’ve been good. She leaves her wedding ring with Arl Eamon the night before the battle to give to Alistair when it’s all over. It’s something of a symbol of the promise they would’ve given to each other.

With Awakening AU, she’s a disaster. She won’t talk about what happened that day. She doesn’t tell any stories, she refuses to talk about. She won’t talk about Alistair at all. It’s too painful for her to even think about.

Even in Inquisition, she won’t talk about it much at all. Ten years and she only briefly talks about what happened and her relationship. It’s a very sore subject. She’s with the Inquisition rather than looking for a cure for the Blight is because what would’ve made it worthwhile died with the Fifth Blight. She sees no reason to find one and if that’s selfish, she doesn’t care. She’s had enough.