#and if it isn't i hope your heart won't feel this heavy forever. be gentle to yourself <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[eastofedean]

I have been going through terrible mood swings the last couple of weeks. It's been the worst episode I had since I stopped drinking a year ago. It's been on and off, and I've been surviving on autopilot on most days, trying to find comfort in anger and numbness, which isn't healthy at all.

I haven't been dealing well with it, which is quite obvious, I'm afraid. But today (and this is a very cautious but) is the first day I've been feeling more balanced. Which is why I wanted to talk about it and thank everyone who is still around. I know I don't have to do this, and I'm not sure if anyone cares about it, but I think about the anons and the incredibly kind messages I get from time to time and I know I've been mean and kinda cruel. There is obviously no excuse for it, but I don't want people to think that I don't care or that I don't like them. Of course I do. No matter if we've talked before or not. I care about you guys, and I want you to be well. Life is so fucking short and none of us know how their lives are gonna end, but we're here now and I don't want to spend my time on this earth being cruel and heartless, that's not who I am and definitely not who I want to be. I'm not good when it comes to being alone, which might be very obvious as well. But I've been around my family the last couple of days, I've seen the apples on my mother's apple trees grow. We baked apple pie, and I ate my first strawberries this year. Today, I watched the sunset. I saw some deer, and I took care of my mom's horses. I am not easy, I know that and I'm not sure how long I'll get until my brain is fucking with me again, sometimes it can take months, but someone once helped me to understand that we can't predict the future and it's important to live life day by day. I'm trying this whole thing. It's a slow thing and a lot of work, but I do want to try it.

Again, I'm not sure who or if someone is reading this at all, but if you do, I care about you. I am glad you are around, and I hope that your life is kind to you. Thank you for existing.

[sqgeism]

❥﹒even if i wont remember it, your name will forever be my favorite.

✦. synopsis — dan feng was a man who held your heart in his gentle hands, but now you're forced to accept you'll never see him again, atleast the one you knew.

✦. love mail — 💌 i always come back (lie), im trying once again to coming into writing but i really wanna wanna try again eahueauha

✦. tags — i havent written in 500 years, dan feng x reader, not really a dan heng x reader, mentions of dan feng, xianzhou arc spoilers, minor dan heng backstory spoilers

"What'll it be for tomorrow?"

You smile as you watch Dan Feng make you a flower-crown, sitting across to him as his face is nothing but focused on such a silly task. And though it seemed out of character for him, he did it for you. He'd do anything for you if you asked.

"Can we make a cake?"

You watched him raise a brow, "A cake?" and you nod. "A cake."

He sighs through your soft giggles, ones that could even bring a Vidyadhara's heavy heart at ease. "You do know it is tomorrow, right."

His sentence sounds more like a statement, a matter-of-fact. Which it was.

You simply hoped it hadn't been.

He looks away when he hears you sniffle, his heart aching further when it was followed by dry and bitter laughter. "I know."

"But what's a birthday without a cake, right?"

He shakes his head, smiling softly. "Are you saying it's my birthday tomorrow?"

"It could be, how would you want to look at it?"

There's silence exchanged for a few moments.

"Anything but the day I'm taken away from you."

Those words sting more than you would've thought they should.

You want to beg for him to run, to escape away with you and explore the galaxy you were oh-so curious about. But here you sit, across to him, a crumpling flower crown in his hand as he squeezes it with such intensity. Two of you well aware that his fate is one written within the stars, once he committed the unforgivable act of granting immortality - he knew he was bound to face Sedition.

"Dan Feng.." "Hm?"

If you told him now, would it matter? If you spilled out your heart and your blood for him, would it matter if he wouldn't remember?

You hold your tongue and instead shift over to lean on his shoulder, sighing in what seemed to be disappointment. "It's only a shame we won't do things like this anymore.." And the click of his tongue followed by an 'mhm' means he shares your mutual thoughts.

"But.. I hope by some chance, even if impossible, you'll still turn your head when my name is called."

He cleared his throat, "You see that?"

And in return, you smiled. "Every single time."

When you arrived the moment Jing Yuan called to visit the Scalegore Waterscape, he sees how you refuse to look straight ahead and sighs. "I understand if you're afraid, you don't have to accompany me."

But thinking about all those what ifs, the ideas that clouded your thoughts all those years - you just wanted them to end. You wanted to hear the answer you've longed for, that you feel like you deserve to know. "No, I do."

The General watched as your footsteps picked up the pace, approaching the figure that stands in front of you - so familiar yet unfamiliar. You reached your hand out for his shoulder in a fit of desperation; "Those horns and tail wouldn't have belonged to anyone else,

And yet,

"Dan-"

It doesn't seem right."

You pause when he turns around, his gaze lack of the warmth you've missed for so long. You choke on your own words, "Dan-" You repeat once more, but you know it isn't him. You know that the man that you came all the way for was not the Dan Feng you knew.

"-Heng." He finished for you, his hand putting yours away in a dismissive manner. "I'm sorry but-"

"You're not him."

He notices how your head is hung low, but tears fall towards the ground below, darkening the sand with your pitiful state. "Sorry, I understand." You apologized, but you knew that Dan Feng wouldn't have wanted you to cry like this, at least not over him.

..

"Dan Heng, right?"

When you meet his gaze, he feels oddly.. entranced by you, and though your eyes were tear filled - he found your expression still kind.

"Mine is (name). I hope that I'm able to know you better, past who Dan Feng was."

"You have a wonderful name." Seeing Dan Heng smile so warmly tugs on your heart strings, as it was like staring at Dan Feng all over again - that smile that never left your mind since his Sedition, but you knew it was Dan Heng's smile. No longer his.

No longer who was once yours.

[r0-boat]

helllooo fellow Male Byleth lover, could I by any chance have s/o taking care of a sick Male Byleth? I just want to cuddle this man, check his temperature, kiss his cheeks, rub his shoulders, hold his hair out of the way as he's sick, I want to PAMPER HIM. CAN YOU help me wAtEr mY crops please they are dying? I just want to be his wife -Ichi <3

OH MY GOD YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON TO ACTUALLY ASK ME

I love you so much

Sick day

Author's notes:

Byleth is unaware on his crush on you. You think it's cute but you also think he doesn't like you so you're always willing to impress him.

Byleth was late to his lesson. As his You gathered his papers and finished grading the students tests but to your surprise he wasn't there. With no teacher the students looked to you.

'What could he be? he was never late to a lesson.' You thought The eyes of the students ready to learn the lesson of the day making you nervous.

"A- I'll be back!"

"The house leader is in charge, be sure to do your tasks for today around the monastery."

You sure hope putting the house later in charge would not serve to bite you in the ass later.

You make your way too Byleth's dorm room You're not once calling his name only to get no answer.

"The door isn't locked but..."

Worry pools in your stomach. You took a deep breath opening the doors to his quarters.

Byleth hardly even noticed you. His eyes closed breathing deeply He was in his casual wear his armor too heavy for his weaked body.

You press the back of your hand against his forehead that made him open his eyes.

"oh, did I oversleep?" He grumbled his voice scratching and terrible.

he was hot, burning up

"yeah you're not going anywhere."You stated placing your warm hand up to your forehead.

"but the lesson the students-" He protested.

"Professor please You're not well. You need to stay in bed and rest Don't worry about the lesson I-I got it covered."

More or less got it covered but.

His eyebrows furrowed on his otherwise emotionless face.

Of course you wouldn't know how to deal with the students alone. That is his fault perhaps the teachers were right he does coddle you a little too much.

He sighs "very well, the students can handle themselves"

Knowing that you'll have to deal with whatever the hell issuance due today later doesn't upset him as much as he thought it would. Maybe he's just distracted by the fact he gets you all to himself. The students always monopolize your time You are quite popular with them That's one of the many things he likes about you. He can't help but savor that he has you all to himself today. Call him selfish.

With his emotionless face you can't tell what he's thinking from the way he sighed He seemed disappointed. Way to make your boss hate you more...

His eyes widen when you brushed his hair out of his face You're gentle fingers caressing his skin. If he had a heart it would have quickened instead butterflies filled his stomach. A feeling he was not familiar to.

If he was here the whole time he must have not had breakfast yet. As you start to leave. His body moved on his own his fingers catching your sleeve He wasn't sure why he did this either when you looked down at him your eyes full of life and fire He stuttered.

"where are you going?"

"professor you need to eat you haven't eaten anything since yesterday have you?"

He looked away from you confirming your suspicion.

"I won't be gone forever, I'm just going to get you some soup from the cafeteria."You smile.

Byleth nods "can I get something spicy?"He said with a cough.

Are you kidding me? He's probably hiding in but his stomach will not handle anything spicy. One spoonful and it will all go up.

"no" You respond bluntly. "When someone is recovering from a sickness, spicy food is the last thing they need. Professor or not no one is exempt from this rule."

The irony was cute here you were nagging at your own boss The person you are supposed to be assisting everyday. He looks like a kicked puppy. Sad that he can't have his favorite foods.

Byleth stayed on bed rest for the rest of the day You had left to take care of some extra duties as well as help around the monastery along with the students. The students of his class came to visit him every now and then but he felt lonely without you. He always feels a little antsy when he doesn't know where you are. You're always getting yourself into danger. You always tell him you can protect yourself but, he'd rather you not be in danger at all. You did tell him to call you when he needs anything. And to be honest he called you a lot. A lot more he'd like to admit.

He heard a knock at his door "come in." His voice was almost as smooth as before still sounded like something was in his throat though.

His eyes light up when you're familiar figure walks through.

"I'm here with some medicine"You play the glass bottle down next to his bed. Despite the bitter taste he takes it all with no change in his face.

"The medic also said I should stimulate your muscles to help you relax." You smile.

That got his attention.

His eyes wide his lips parting his cheeks pink. The thought of you touching him was making him go crazy you make him go crazy and he doesn't know why. His eyes starting around making your eyebrows furrow with worry.

"um Byleth?"Your name rolls off his tongue instead of his usual nickname a very welcome surprise.

"Y-yeah hold on." He mutters sitting up from his bed his body still felt weak and hot but he was getting better. He had taken off his shirt a while ago, You try not the stare too much to his rippling muscles and scars that decorated it when he turned around You can't help but stare. He held his head down when he felt, delicate fingers rub into his bare shoulders. His back was just as muscular as his front. You feel dirty oggling and touching your colleague like this. You just want him to get better. So you push your sinful inner thoughts down and continue pressing your thumbs against his shoulder blades.

Dear gods you're so good at this. He's practically melting in your hands. He never knew how much he craved your touch till now. Years of hard physical labor and harder battles melting away with each roll of your thumb.

Exhaustion hit them all at once by the time you were done. He grown does he laid back down in his bed He can already feel his body turning into liquid as soon as he hit the mattress.

He couldn't keep his eyes open He wanted you to stay. He wanted you to stay here with him but he couldn't bring himself to speak he was so exhausted and weak the last thing he Saw was your perfect smile as you thread your fingers in his hair.