#and if i quite possibly also have undiagnosed adhd that's also neither here nor there.

[purecommemasolitude]

actually if i fail this exam in two days it will be an epic and subtle sodapop curtis reference and not an academic failure at all. the [redacted] markers simply do not understand my outsiders swag

[adultingautistic]

27/09 sorta urgent. (1/3) I highly suspect that I'm autistic and have ad(h)d. My problem is - while I have sorta talked with my parents about it - that one and a half of my stims (that I sometimes allow myself to do in the presents of my parents), is bad for my mom: she has a work colleague that has mental health issues who does this leg bouncing up and down and rocking forth and back (like forwards/backwards?) - this colleague is extreme (from what I've heard) and my mom can't handle me doing

(2/3) this. I don't do it that extreme (well, the leg thing sometimes) and I usually like rocking/swaying from side to side way more (on some chairs, the way I sit, that doesn't work and so I switch it up). I really, really understand that my mom doesn't like to see it (I have met her colleague and heard some stories), but I have no clue what to do.

(3/3) On one side I don't wanna "hurt" mom, but I also want to stim in the space I feel safe (other than alone in my room). Other stims I do, I don't wanna do with people in the room. Since we all have to learn to come to terms with my self-discovery(ies) and yeah. This got kinda long, sorry.

I’m not quite sure I understand your mom’s issue here.  She has a work colleague who is displaying neurogivergent behaviors at work, and so she’s uncomfortable with you being neurodivergent at home?  That...doesn’t make any sense.

Your mom is dealing with something internally, and it’s making her very sensitive to other people stimming, for whatever reason.  Neither you nor her coworker are doing anything wrong, and the fact that she has a coworker who stims is entirely unrelated to you, and your stimming.  

I can think of two possible reasons why she might have such extreme sensitivity to the stimming of others.

One, it could be stemming from her own neurodiversity.  If you have autism and ADHD, then the chances are higher that your mother does as well.  If this is the case, she may be getting Bad Sensory Input from others doing certain kinds of stims- and so her coworker doing it all day sends her into near overload levels, so then when she comes home and you do it as well, she’s at her limit.  Or if she has ADHD, stimming may be extremely distracting for her brain, making it hard for her to think and focus.  Or it could even be that subconsciously, she needs to stim, but is not allowing herself to, and seeing others doing it causes her more stress.

The second reason is that she might be incredibly ableist, and having to see a neurodiverse person both at her work and in her home may trigger her ableist feelings, and she may be saying whatever she thinks she needs to say in order to stop you from stimming.

Either way, none of that is your fault or your responsibility.  You mother having a coworker who stims is not a reason for you to be denied the right to stim in your own home.

If your mother is undiagnosed neurodiverse herself, then your stimming could be what we call “competing needs”.  This happens when two neurodiverse people have needs that are in conflict with one another.  For example, if one autistic person needs very bright lights to be comfortable, but another gets sensory overload from bright lights, then these two people need to work out a solution that is more complex than just “one of you must suffer.”  In that example, perhaps the main lights in the room can be on dimly, but the person who needs bright lights has a reading lamp near them.  

Without knowing what’s going on for your mother though, it is hard to have a discussion with her to figure out what it is she truly needs.  I don’t know how able she is to discuss the issue, though if you haven’t tried it’s worth it to make the attempt at least once.  It may help to have a frank discussion with her about stimming, and explain to her how important it is for the mental health of autistic people, and that both you and her coworker need to do it for your mental health.  It may be that she hasn’t drawn the connection that her coworker is only stimming (the fact that she called it ‘mental health issues’ instead of neurodiversity is a big sign there), and that you are only stimming, and it’s not a bad thing at all, but a healthy coping mechanism.  

If she is able to have some sort of constructive discussion with you, then you can say you’d like to work with her, to find a solution where you can both feel comfortable in your own home.

If she is not able to have a constructive conversation and shuts you down, then you’re left with two choices- either don’t stim in front of her, or stim in front of her and don’t care.  I hope it doesn’t come to that, but either way, neither of those would be a wrong decision.  It’s your home and you need to do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable there, whether that’s choosing to stim when she’s not around, or choosing to stim regardless of whether she’s around.

I’m sorry your mother is having such difficult internal issues that are affecting you.  You are a really good person for caring so much about her feelings, and that makes you kind.  But don’t forget to care about your own needs, as well.  Striking the balance between your needs and the needs of others is one of the hardest (and most important) parts of being an adult, and you’re already starting on the right path : )