#and if Kevin gets kicked out of the dorm when ever it rains that’s no one’s business either

[karmiky]

One time Andrew gets stuck in a rainstorm coming back to the dorms. When he gets back, Neil sees him soaking wet and fully clothed, and he is immediately hit with the memory of The Shower Scene tm. Andrew calls him out for being flustered and Neil admits what has him distracted. And if Andrew always refuses to use an umbrella or rain coat or even walk a little quicker when it rains in the future that’s no one’s business.

[codename-adler]

foxes + onesies (5/9)

based off of that one post i saw and don’t remember, where people once caught Allison wandering around Fox Tower in a giraffe onesie, and i absolutely melted for her. here is the Foxes’ journey to getting a onesie each!

Nicky

almost immediately after Dan, Nicky gets his own onesie

like, two days after

and, as he finds out later from Dan, he ordered his first

it just got a little lost in the mail (that’s just Nicky’s luck)

the thing is, he’s completely jealous of the upperclassmen

not just a little; a lot

and not because he feels excluded (he does), nor because he wants to be belong (he does) or even because he misses those happy moments of childhood when everything was still easy (he achingly does)

no no

he’s jealous because he wants to steal their onesies and wear them all

he’s jealous because he just really, really wants a soft and silly onesie to wear

that’s it

it’s not a childhood memory (he never had one)

it’s not a self-care tip (he doesn’t think he needs self care lessons, thank you very much, he’s a very mature adult with 2 angry teenagers under his very adequate care, you know)

it’s not a grand gesture for love-

but perhaps…? oh yeah get this:

Nicky is always planning for the future

ever since Erik, ever since the twins, he makes plans upon plans upon plans

it’s not that he’s anxious about the future (a little bit, still, given everything that he went through)

making plans for the future is his way of looking forward to it, of not losing hope, of staying strong in the present

he’s got a lot of dreams

getting tattoos…

getting a tattoo with Erik…

or many tattoos with Erik, for that matter…

owning a blue or green vintage Westfalia…

doing a roadtrip across Europe… (with Erik, duh)

volunteering for humanitarian work in any country…

owning a ranch with lots of horses…

or at least having one horse of his own…

marrying Erik…

and don’t get him started on his plans for the very far future, when he’s sixty-seventy, in his shabby German cottage with Erik, his only neighbors being Andrew and Aaron…

Nicky is hopeful

Nicky is optimist

Nicky is excited for what he future might bring, despite the adversities that knocked him down times and times again

you have to give him that

which is why he starts planning for an event that is closer than he thinks:

Berlin Pride Ceremony, also known as Christopher Street Day

Nicky’s never been to Pride

not even in his time in Stuttgart, and certainly not here in the US

so when he graduates, and the twins are legally independent from his guardianship, you can bet your sweet ass that Nicky is flying back to Erik in time for Pride Month, and that he will be shaking his sweet ass in the streets of Berlin to celebrate his love

thus, he needs an outfit

he and Erik need an outfit

now, what screams “I’m gay”, “I’m proud” and “I love horses” ?

rainbow unicorn onesie

lemme say that again

rainbow. unicorn. motherf***ing. onesie.

that’s right baby

but once Nicky’s got a vision, a plan, he’s very picky about it

sure, once he’s in the moment, he lets loose and has fun and enjoys

but leading to it? very difficult

he searches every shopping center in the Palmetto area

he searches every shopping center in the Columbia area

none of the unicorn onesies satisfy him

so he resorts to online shopping

which he hates

online shopping, to him, lacks the true experience that is walking for hours, raiding stores and the food court…

a few Google searches, a couple of clicks, and his onesie is ordered

it’s… it’s very gay

as in, very bright and lively

the faux-fur is made of pastels of all the colors of the rainbow

the mane is hot pink and almost feather-like

there’s cute little ears, two cute little eyes, and a freaking yellow horn on the hood

it’s as if the Gay Pride flag had had a baby with Pegasus or Spirit the stallion of the Cimarron

it’s beautiful

Nicky’s already picturing himself with rainbow flag temporary tattoos on each of his cheeks, a rainbow bandana, his sweaty hand in Erik’s sweaty hand, singing Rain On Me and Born This Way and Single Ladies all day long amongst a safe and proud crowd

he can’t wait

he’s so excited

he’s also nervous to see Erik’s reaction when he receives his surprise gift

deep down, he knows he’ll love it, but he’s just a little scared still

and so Nicky waits

and waits

and waits

and waits

then he hears about Dan’s little stunt for Valentine’s Day

and he gets envious, because 1) she got to celebrate with Matt while Erik is an ocean away and 2) she got her onesie first, when he knows for a fact that he ordered before her from the same website

and then he hears about a special movie night the girls had where they all lounged in their onesies watching Hunger Games and the Avengers

Nicky’s getting very jealous

but finally, finally, when March rounds the corner, Nicky gets a package

he also gets an unscheduled Skype call from Erik at 4 AM (US time)

the screen just opens on Erik, in his onesie, jumping on his mini indoor trampoline

Erik doesn’t speak, he just keeps on bouncing

Nicky screams and wakes up the whole dorm

Andrew kicks down the door (literally, it breaks and falls down its hinges), Kevin can be heard yelling “WHAT THE FUCK” from his bed and Neil’s got one of Andrew’s knife

and the crash of the door wakes up Aaron and the upperclassmen in the other dorm rooms

the night ends (or the morning begins?) with all the Foxes cramped in Nicky’s room, watching Erik wordlessly bounce in his rainbow unicorn pajama and Nicky yelling “THAT’S MY MAN BITCHES”

needless to say, Nicky is quite happy with himself, and so is Erik

Nicky gets invited to the special movie night with the girls, on the promise to never wake them up at ass-o’clock ever again, even if he’s being murdered

oh, and somehow his pillow mysteriously gets stabbed and stuffed out…

[dayzone]

maybe you could do neil snapping (i mean he kills someone or something like that) at evermore after the winterbreak (so Andrew is already out of rehab) and calling kevin (and the rest of the foxes bc they are there)? idk? it was just an idea hahahha :)

BRO YES THANK YOU

okay i took some liberties with the prompt BUT i absolutely adore fics/hcs of neil snapping so mmmmm thank u

tw death / blood

so we know andrew got out of rehab after neil came back from evermore but we’ll just say he gets out of rehab before neil gets back

and andrew- andrew knows when kevin lies. he knows all of kevin’s tells and he’s too paranoid by nature to not be able to tell when people are lying. so he’s Suspicious when he asks where neil is and kevin starts to blink hard and seems like he can’t sit still while stammering out that neil went to visit relatives.

but he leaves it alone because he’s not supposed to care anymore now that he’s off his meds

now neil.. neil isn’t one to back down and take a beating without biting back

he knows he can’t physically really touch riko; he can talk back and insult him until his mouth fills with blood, but he can’t do much more than slam his forehead into rikos nose the one (and only) time riko made the mistake of getting too close to neils face while sneering and cutting into neils chest

so riko.. he can’t touch riko. not now. not yet.

but the other ravens? that’s a different story.

neil doesn’t know it but it’s his last day in the nest. his cheek is throbbing from roman numeral “3” on his cheek and his body hurts so bad it feels numb

he’s in the locker room, sitting on the floor of the communist showers, everyone already gone, including jean. neils been sitting there long enough for the water to be ice cold, and he only distantly hears the cream of the door opening

and in comes a raven neil can only distantly remember; he’s good enough to be a raven but not good enough to be one of rikos boys who stand close in his shadow. neil knows his name, colin hemmings, and he also knows that he embarassed colin on the court only a few hours earlier, bad enough that tetsujis cane took a break from neils back to find home on colins spine

colin comes in sneering and spitting curses after locking the door, and he’s coming at neil with his leg cocked back to kick at neils already bruised ribs, fists clenched and ready to rain down on neils crouched form

and neil is just so fucking angry. he’s so fucking tired but right now all of his rage towards riko, the ravens, and the nest burst to the surface and he feels himself rise quickly to his feet- he doesn’t really remember making the conscious decision to get up, to sweep colins feet out from under him, to straddle the boy and catch him by his collar and slam the boys head repeatedly into the tile floor

neil does remember vindictively thinking that colin was too stupid to think to bring back up- too stupid or too proud and that will absolutely be one of the last mistakes he ever makes. neil remembers the look of anger, and then fear, that flashes in colins eyes as neil breaks his arm and cracks the bones of his own knuckles from the sheer force he’s putting behind the punches he’s aiming at colins face. he’s smiling so hard he thinks that he’ll never stop.

neil distantly knows he’s going to kill him, and when colin tries to pull a knife on neil it only makes his rage burn hotter, making his vision go white

he doesn’t remember much after colin tried to pull the knife. he thinks there might be a “W” carved into colins chest by the time he’s dead but he doesn’t look back to check. when neil finally pulls out of his own head, he’s standing in the middle of his room and jean is looking at him with barely concealed horror. neils hands only start to shake when he goes to pull on clothes over his damp skin and realizes that his skin is damp with watered down blood. his cheeks ache.

“jean.” neil says, after he finally gets dressed. he’s not sure what he wants to say but jean beats him to it

jean hurries to get out of the chair he was sitting in and pushes neil towards to door of the room “we’re leaving. your flight isn’t for another eight hours but we need to go.”

so they leave. jean gets neil in the passenger seat of a car and pulls out of the parking lot faster than what could ever be described as safe and it’s only when they’re an hour away from edgar allen that jean tosses neil his phone and tells neil to call someone to pick him up after his flight

jean has a look on his face that neil doesn’t want to even begin to decipher but neil unlocks the phone anyways. his fingers shake hard enough that it takes three tries to punch in the numbers, but really, there’s only one person he can call right now

“kevin. kevin you have to come get me.”

neil can’t make himself talk anymore after that, can’t get his throat to unclog, can’t tear his eyes away from the mirror on the side of the car where he can see his own reflection, his fathers eyes and smile staring back at him, his face splattered with blood

jean snatches the phone from him and snaps at kevin in fast french, undoubtedly telling him the entire story. jean says nothing whenever neils chest bubbles over with quiet, mean giggles.

neil knows he goes to the bathroom in the airport to wash away the visible blood, and he knows he sits deathly still for the entire flight, but he doesn’t really feel like neil until he drops his forehead on kevins chest. kevin’s too terrified of opening neils wounds to wrap his arms around neil, so he just presses the side of his face against the top of neils head and tries to breathe deep to stave off the tremors lurching through his body

they sit pressed as hard against each other as neils wounds will allow in the back seat of andrews car as andrew drives them back to palmetto, refusing to look in the rear view mirror to look at neil. his jaw is clenched hard enough that neil’s jaw aches in sympathy while neil presses his fingers against his own lips.

when they get back to the tower, all of the foxes are there waiting but it’s kevin who simply glares and shakes his head tersely at them before leading neil up to his room. neil showers while kevin sits on the lid of the toilet in the bathroom with him, and andrew is smoking in the living room

when neil finally slinks into bed he feels- not okay. he doesn’t regret it and he’d do it again in a heartbeat, but the bloodlust is finally easing in his veins and kevin is within reaching distance, andrew is by the door of the dorm, and that counts for something.

[theshopislocal]

corinth rains

New and improved Heaven may well be the Happiest Place (not) on Earth. But Dean, it turns out, is still Dean.

(also on AO3)

chapter three

Charlie’s place is frickin’ awesome.

That said, Dean doesn’t understand most of her decor. There’s a surprisingly beautiful oil painting of what looks like the bushy-haired girl from Harry Potter standing over the corpse of a monster with a face made of teeth; Charlie called it the Demogorgon, which clarified precisely nothing. On another wall, there’s a giant framed poster of the little shruggie emoticon dude, which, on closer inspection, is itself made of other shruggie emoticon dudes. In the center of the foyer stands a life-size marble statue of Poison Ivy, flanked on either side by two huge suits of armor, armed with iron flails.

Then, of course, the crowning jewels: a wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling flatscreen TV and a tiny blue console that ostensibly contains every video game ever made. Charlie calls it the Deus ExBox.

“I swear to Jack,” Charlie mutters, fingers smashing against the controller buttons, “if you say ‘get over here’ one more time—”

Dean shrugs as much as he’s able while spamming the square button. “It’s the best move!”

“Yeah,” Charlie snorts, “and you cheese it.” She presses several buttons at once, and her character - a skinny brunette in a hilarious and mildly sexy bathing suit - kicks Dean’s guy about thirty damn times.

Dean makes a frenetic motion with the controller and goes full button mash. “You cheese Mileena! With your stupid tele-drop—”

“Hey,” Charlie starts, turning briefly to glare at Dean, “Mileena’s my main, ok—”

Dean uses the moment of distraction to pull the joystick hard to the left, tapping square one last time. His character - a rippling muscled dude in a skintight suit with a yellow loincloth - casts his spear at Mileena, yelling a guttural ‘Get over here!’

Mileena’s health bar drops to zero, and she sways back and forth. Dean gives Charlie a smirking side-eye.

She shakes her head and points a blunt-nailed finger at him. “Dean, don’t you dare. Dean.”

Dean gives her a winning smile and moves the joystick side to side, thumb hovering over the X button.

“Dean, don’t you dare toasty me—”

He taps the X, and Scorpion spits a pillar of flame at Mileena.

Fatality, the screen reads. Scorpion wins.

Charlie stares blankly for a moment, slack-jawed and dull-eyed, before cutting a glare at Dean. “I literally hate you.”

Dean’s mouth pulls into a wide grin, and he raises his hands in a shrug. “C’mon, who could hate this face.”

“What face?” Charlie grumbles. “All I see is a butt.”

Dean gives a bark of laughter, and his cheeks ache. He’s learned that Charlie is an appallingly poor sport, and her swearing tirades in the wake of a loss amuse him to no end.

She gives him a mild glare, betrayed by the play of a smile around her mouth, and reaches for her giant pint glass - ‘it’s a stein, you philistine’ - only to frown down at the flat dregs. She shifts as if to stand, then her face lights up, and she smiles over at Dean. “Hey, check this out,” she says, and the childlike excitement in her voice has Dean leaning forward. She raises the stein overhead and bellows, “Beer me!”

Her glass refills itself, bottom to top, an inch of fluffy white head settling over translucent gold. Dean’s brows rise, and his lips tick up. “See now, that I could get used to.”

Charlie gives him a self-congratulatory smile and passes the glass to Dean. He tips his head in thanks and takes a gulp, face scrunching up at the taste.

“Ugh, god,” he sputters, setting the glass down heavily on the low coffee table. “What is that?”

Charlie’s lips turn down in a dramatic pout. “Stella Artois.”

Ugh. What are they, at a bachelorette party in the Hamptons? “Aren’t you supposed to be a lesbian?”

Charlie gives him an unimpressed glare and hoists herself off the couch. “I’m a chapstick power alpha, thank you very much.”

Dean’s sure he knows what all those words mean individually, but- “Yeah, I got no idea what you’re talkin’ about.”

Charlie rolls her eyes and skips towards the kitchen, tapping the Yoda bobble head on the bookshelf as she passes it. There are several other action figures on the shelf, and a bunch of other tchotchkes, most of which he can barely make out in the dim fluorescent light. He glances over at the windows framing the dining table; he figures Charlie’s gotta have a great view, being situated so near the lake. But the curtains - done in a deep, velvety purple that looks like some sort of magic fur - are drawn, the afternoon light pooling just around the bottom.

Dean feels his brow wrinkle. “Hey,” he calls, “why are your curtains closed?”

“What?” comes Charlie’s muffled voice.

Dean rolls his eyes and waits until she comes around the corner with two dark bottles of IPA. “Why are your curtains closed?”

She raises her eyebrows at him, flopping herself onto the couch. “Cuz the sun’s out? Duh?”

Dean takes a bottle from her hand, twists off the cap. “You don’t like it?”

Charlie gives him a dry look. “Dude. I’m a pasty code-jockey otaku.”

This time, Dean isn’t sure he knows what any of those words mean. He squints at her, shaking his head.

She sighs. “Sunlight could kill me.”

Dean snorts a laugh. “Ah.” He vaguely remembers a case he’d worked solo while Sam was at university: a teenage boy had spawned a Tulpa while writing a (surprisingly good) web comic. Dean had interviewed him in his dorm room - all empty Mountain Dew bottles and half-eaten bowls of ramen. Kid looked like he hadn’t seen the sun in years.

Back then, Dean had told him to pull the comic from his site and go the hell outside. Now, Dean feels mild envy for him and Charlie both.

“I miss rain,” Dean says, and it feels like a confession.

Charlie turns toward him and tilts her head, expression curious and bemused.

Dean harrumphs and adjusts his seat. “I mean, I like the—” he gestures vaguely toward the window, “—the picnic weather, too, I just...” he trails off, noting Charlie’s scrunched frown, and shrugs. “I dunno. Sam says there’re storms, past the mountain.”

Charlie’s brow smoothes at that, and she perks up, grabbing her stein with both hands. “Probably. All kinds of weird stuff over there.” She takes a long swig and gives a tiny burp that has Dean huffing a laugh. “You seen the mini forest in the field?”

Dean sobers and shakes his head. “He said that’s where the storm was.”

“Oh,” Charlie murmurs. “Huh. Wasn’t last time I saw it.”

Dean raises an eyebrow. “You’ve been over the mountain?” He tries to picture her with a bindle in place of an iPhone and hiking boots in lieu of her Converse, but comes up short.

Charlie smirks at him and takes another gulp, licking the foam from her top lip. “I may have spent my first afternoon here flying around on a broomstick like Harry Potter.”

Dean tips his head back in a nod. He really should’ve guessed that. He brings his bottle to his mouth, taking a cautious sniff to make sure he’s not drinking any more of that wimpy shit, and gives Charlie a sidelong glance. “Did you catch the snitch?”

Charlie beams. “As a matter of fact, yes.”

Dean shakes his head and smiles. “Attagirl.” He takes a long drink, enough to clear the neck, and savors the bitter hoppy flavor on his tongue. It’s a damn sight better than the swill he’s had with Bobby. Or whatever the fuck Stella Artois is.

“It was on fire.”

Dean swallows and cuts a glance at Charlie. “What?”

“The forest,” she says, smoothing a finger over the lip of her glass. “I mean, not the whole thing, just a couple trees near this, like, barn thing? They were all charred.” She tilts her head, considering. “Coulda been lightning, I guess? I dunno.”

Dean feels a pit open up in his stomach, strange and unbidden. He sets his beer down on the table, butting it up against his controller. “You tell the Arch?”

Charlie shrugs. “Kevin said not to worry about it.”

Dean’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline, and he turns fully toward her. “You talked to Kevin?”

When he’d heard through the grapevine that Kevin had finally made it over, Dean had sent Jack a silent, thankful prayer. He’s thought about checking in on the kid, but word has it he’s top dog at the Library - the new and improved Scribe of Heaven. Dean figures that’s about as close to ‘advanced placement’ as the kid is likely to get, this side of the pearly gates.

“I stopped by the Library,” Charlie says, nonchalant. Then she gives Dean a mischievous grin, raising her glass to her mouth. “Wanted to see if they had Lady Death in Lingerie.”

Dean frowns. “Is that... Is that porn?”

Charlie smirks at him. “It’s a comic, but... yes, yes it is.”

Dean blinks hard and gives her an incredulous look. “You got Kevin out of the Library ... for cartoon porn?”

“Hey,” Charlie demurs, “you don’t get to say anything about cartoon porn, I’ve seen your browser history.” Dean rolls his eyes even as his face warms, but doesn’t offer a defense.

“And no,” she continues, eyes going shifty. “He let me in.”

Charlie’s posture is stiff, her eyes round with manufactured innocence. She was a shit liar when she was alive, and she’s an even shittier one dead.

Dean gives her a blatantly doubtful look. “He let you in.”

Charlie puffs her cheeks out and her eyes dart side to side. For a second, she looks like she might try to stick to her guns, but she blows out a sigh instead. “Okay,” she concedes. “Maybe ‘let’ isn’t the right word.”

Dean breathes out a mildly bewildered laugh, pressing his forehead to the bottle in his hands. “You broke into Heaven’s Library?”

Her tiny white hands rise in a shameless shrug. “You can take the girl out of the corporate espionage scheme...”

Dean shakes his head, smiling wry but wide, stomach aching with laughter. “Pretty hardcore,” he says, then faces forward. “For a nerd.” He takes another short sip, noting Charlie’s scowl in his peripheral vision.

“Well,” she huffs and grabs her stein, “you’re pretty ripped.” She lets that hang for a moment, until Dean looks over at her, brows raised. “For a handmaiden,” she smirks and takes a smug pull.

Dean rolls his eyes and nods around a dry smile. Charlie gives a tittering laugh that he can’t help but return, and he polishes off his beer, shoulder butted up against hers.

He stares down into the empty bottle, turning it between his thumb and middle finger. “So Kevin said it’s fine?” he asks. He keeps his tone mild so as not to betray his peculiar unease, but he can’t quite suppress the note of concern. “Tiny burnt forest with lightning and a creepy barn?”

She shrugs and chugs the last inch of her beer in a great swallow. “I guess?” she says, voice thick. “I don’t know.” She belches for a solid three seconds, and Dean turns his lips down, impressed. “Got the feeling it was kinda...” she tips her head side to side, “top secret? Maybe not, like, nuclear football level, but… something.”

Dean snorts and glares into the chasm inside his beer bottle. “What, you think Heaven’s got an Area 51?”

Charlie shrugs again, grabbing her controller to select a new fighter. “Stranger things, I guess.”

Dean nods absently and casts his eyes about the room. The shruggie guy is still shrugging, Yoda’s head still bobbing, Ivy’s white marble eyes staring sightlessly toward the door. Dean’s gaze settles on a painting he hadn’t noticed, tucked into the corner behind a threadbare recliner: an abstract composition of flowing indigo and teal, offset by swathes of pale yellow edged in pink, with a crooked pillar of white rising up the center. Dean’s not much of a one for fine art, but something tells him this is a masterpiece. Ageless and tragic and blue, it tugs at a rough-sawn edge in his chest. He thinks it might be a flower or a river. Or a cloud. Or maybe a bruise.

It looks familiar, like he’s seen it in a textbook or possibly a museum. Then again, in Dean’s very short - and very, very long - life, he figures he’s seen just about everything.

Abstraction Blue by Georgia O'Keeffe

chapter two | chapter four

table of contents

[fuzzballsheltiepants]

Delayed Reaction (The Fear of Falling Remix, aka the Nicky Remix)

I wrote this for the fantastic AFTG remix/redux challenge, which was an utter blast.  It was inspired by this amazing fic, by @sunrise-and-death.  It let me explore Nicky’s feelings after the events of the series, especially his role in the Eden’s Twilight disasterTM of the first book.  It’s a bit of a departure for me, lol, but I loved writing it.  References forced drugging/forced kissing.  Read on AO3 if you prefer.  (I apologize if you’re on mobile and the keep reading link doesn’t work.)

The second Neil wrenched his arm out of his grasp, Nicky knew.

The alcohol coursing through his bloodstream left him slow and stupid as Neil planted his hands against Nicky’s chest and shoved.  Tripping over his own feet, Nicky crashed backwards into some faceless people who were dancing in a tight pack.  Cursing, the clubbers bounced away while Aaron got to his feet in what would have been a leap had he been sober.

“What the hell was that?” Aaron snapped at Neil, whose face went from white to red in a second.

“I’m going to get some air,” Neil said, and disappeared, weaving through the crowd towards the back doors.

Aaron grabbed Nicky’s arm and helped haul him to his feet.  He staggered over to the table and dropped his head into his hands.  He felt more than saw Aaron settle next to him.  “Seriously,” Aaron shouted over the thundering base, “what just happened?”

Nicky felt like he was going to vomit, but he didn’t think it was from the alcohol.  That had been actual fear in Neil’s face, before anger and embarrassment had swept it away.  Neil, afraid.  Of him.  He let his elbows slide out from under him until his forearms rested on the table, keeping his forehead pressed against them.

For an endless moment he remembered being surrounded by four men, being punched and kicked and shoved; the vicious laughter and taunts echoing in the alley, the desperate need to cry out but the inability to get enough air.  It had taken months before he had been able to get in and out of the club without terror, and over a year before he had been able to dance again, to enjoy the feel of other bodies around him.

The sound of a tray full of glasses being set carefully on the table made him bury his face deeper into his arms.  Andrew.  Oh, God, how could he ever look Andrew in the eye again?

“Did someone break Nicky?��� Andrew asked flatly.

“Your boy toy,” Aaron answered.  “Nicky wanted him to go dance, and he shoved him into a group of dancers for no reason then took off.”

“It wasn’t for no reason,” Nicky said.  The words were muffled against the table and looking up was impossible, but somehow he knew Andrew heard.  Heavy eyes bored into the top of his head then disappeared.

“What do you mean?” Aaron asked.  Nicky felt perversely grateful that his voice was different from Andrew’s.  “He’s gone,” Aaron added unnecessarily.

“I kissed him,” Nicky mumbled into his arms.

“What?”

“Neil.”  Nicky sighed and sat up.  “I kissed him.”

“Dude.  You’ve been sitting here all night, I would’ve noticed.  How much have you had to drink?” Aaron laughed.

Too much, always too much and not enough.  “Not tonight.  His first time here.”  The room was spinning and Nicky braced one of his hands against the table.  “Andrew…Andrew told me to keep him high.”

“I don’t understand,” Kevin said, downing one of the fresh drinks as if that would help clarify things.  

“I kissed him to give him more dust.”  Nicky pointed at his mouth to make sure it was clear, nodding at their expressions.  “He didn’t want me to.”

All traces of amusement were gone from Aaron’s face.  “Andrew didn’t know.”  Nicky shook his head.  “He’s going to kill you.”

“Neil won’t let him,” Kevin assured them with a confidence born of copious amounts of vodka.

“I am way too sober for this,” Aaron said, reaching for the tray.  He was on his second drink—well, his sixth if you counted the first round—when Andrew reappeared, alone.

Andrew didn’t say anything, and neither did the rest of them.  Aaron and Kevin knocked back one last drink each before the three of them followed Andrew out of the club in a line, Aaron bringing up the rear.  Nicky felt absurdly like he was at an elementary school class trip, following a teacher out of a museum.  There was a picture book he had loved as a child, with drawings of the big dark mama and papa ducks, the little yellow ducklings marching in between.  He imagined they looked the reverse, he and Kevin with their black hair towering in between the tow-headed twins.  He would have laughed if he hadn’t felt like crying.

Andrew pulled into the driveway and cut the engine.  Kevin fled.  Aaron did not; he looked between Andrew and Nicky until he saw something in Andrew’s face that made his mouth tighten.  With a venomous glare at Neil, he scooted out of the car and into the house, lingering for a long moment in the doorway.

Nicky had no idea what Andrew was going to do.  Andrew had once told him that he would kill him if he touched Neil; he hadn’t understood the protective instinct at the time, but now it made all too much sense.  If Andrew was going to make good on that promise now, Nicky wouldn’t fight him.  

He hoped Aaron would understand.  He knew Erik would not.

“I am going to make a deal with you,” Andrew said, sounding as if he were making a grocery list.   Neil was watching, expression unreadable.  There was no trace of the panic that had earlier ravaged his features, but that was still all Nicky could see.  He felt his eyes start to burn and dug his nails into his palms to try to drive it back.  “You will promise me that you will never touch someone without their consent again.  And in exchange, I will not kill you.”  

Nicky nodded; he should have felt relief but all he really was aware of was the guilt of getting away with something undeserved.  He was pretty sure he was babbling something but had no idea what useless words were falling out of his mouth.  Andrew’s expression was getting flatter and finally Neil interrupted.

“It’s okay, Nicky.  I forgive you.”

The tears overflowed then.  Andrew ordered him out of the car and roared out of the driveway before Nicky could do more than stumble onto the lawn.  He watched the taillights glow at the end of the street then dragged his sorry carcass into the house.

Aaron and Kevin were waiting for him.  Well, Aaron was.  Kevin was technically in the living room as well but clearly on a different plane of consciousness.  “We need to talk about this,” Aaron said

“Tomorrow.”

“Nicky—”

“Please, Aaron.  Just…tomorrow.”

Aaron gave him a long searching look, then disappeared upstairs to collapse in his bed.  Nicky rearranged Kevin so he could breathe and wouldn’t choke if he vomited, dropped a trash can next to his face, and dragged himself into his room.  Not bothering to undress, he flopped backward onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling.

There was dust on the edges of the fan that he needed to wipe off.  Part of him wanted to start the fan, see if the dust would rain down all over the room, but that would require getting up.  After a while he kicked his boots off.  Sleep darted away from him every time he reached towards it.

It was closer to morning than night when he heard the door open again.  He went out into the hall to see Andrew half-carrying a sleepy Neil, kicking the door shut behind them.  Andrew glanced at him, eyes sharp as his knives, before scooping Neil fully into his arms and heading up the stairs.

*****

It was a silent morning followed by a silent drive back to campus.  Nicky knew if he opened his mouth stupidity would spew out so he kept it clamped shut until they were back at Fox Tower and his dorm room door was shut firmly behind him.  He barely made it to the couch before his knees gave out.

“Are you ever going to talk to me about this?” Aaron asked.

“About what?” Matt appeared behind him.  “What happened?”

“I’m an asshole,” Nicky said.  “That’s it, that’s all there is to say.”

“Bullshit,” snapped Aaron.  “What happened with Andrew?”

“We made a deal, okay?  I don’t touch someone without consent, he doesn’t kill me.”

Aaron snorted.  “I can’t fucking believe you.  Why would you ever think that was okay?”  He was looking at him like he had never seen him before.  Nicky could feel his eyes filling.  He and Aaron had always been…not good, nobody in their family had good relationships, it was genetically impossible, but they had always cared about each other.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute,” Matt said.  “What the hell happened?”

“Nicky kissed Neil against his will,” Aaron answered when it was obvious Nicky wasn’t going to.

Matt looked aghast.  “Not last night,” Nicky clarified.  “It was the first time we took him to Columbia.”  Not that that made it any better, really, but it explained why he was still breathing.  

“Jesus Christ, Nicky.”  

I know, Nicky wanted to scream.  “I’m going to call Erik,” he said instead.  Once alone in the bedroom, though, he just stared at his phone.  Erik knew about the incident; Nicky had told him the next day, while Neil was missing.  He had been disapproving about the drugs but hadn’t worried about the kiss.  Nicky wasn’t sure if he could handle his forgiveness about it now.  He knew he would get it, but with Neil’s fear burned into his retinas he didn’t think he wanted it.

There was a knock on the bedroom door.  He wasn’t sure how much time had passed; enough that he felt stiff when he got up to answer it.  Or maybe that was the exhaustion.

“Hello, Nicky,” Renee said with her usual sweet smile.  “I thought perhaps you might like to go get some coffee.”

Nicky didn’t have it in him to say no to Renee.  He grabbed his coat.

It was rare for he or his cousins to visit the coffee shop on campus; they usually just made their own.  Nicky debated ordering something gross like straight black coffee with a shot of espresso, but caved to his tastebuds and got an iced hazelnut latte instead.

They sat at one of the little iron tables in front of the cafe, watching the handful of summer students straggle by.  Nicky was halfway through his latte when he asked, “Matt told you, huh?”

“He told me his understanding of it, yes.”

This was why he loved Renee.  He took a deep breath, and in as spare language as he could manage, told her about that first trip to Columbia and the morning after.  About the arbitrary lines he had drawn in his own head about what was okay and what was not.  How he had succumbed to the Hollywood idea that forcing a kiss on someone would win them over in the end.  How at the time he hadn’t really thought that what he did was any worse than what Andrew did; how he had never thought about what he might have been taking from Neil until that weekend before Thanksgiving.

He didn’t tell her about the months of regret he’d been dealing with since he had walked into his parents’ guest room and seen Neil tenderly wrapping a bloody and battered Andrew in a blanket.  Or how he had been struggling not to regress to the habits taught him at conversion camp, to the self punishment that was seen as just penance for his sins.  But she saw it in his eyes and heard it in his voice anyway.

When he finally went silent, she sipped her iced tea for a moment.  “Did you apologize?”

“Yes, as soon as he would let me.  He wasn’t ready to accept it then.”

“Have you talked about it since?”  

Nicky shook his head.  It had taken all of his courage the first time, he wasn’t sure he had enough left.

Renee hummed and then was quiet while they finished their drinks.  They were walking back to the dorm when she touched his arm.  “Nicky…I may be out of line to ask this, but have you found a church here?”  

He shook his head.  He had been to several when they had first moved to campus two years prior, but none of them had been right.  Slowly he had been forgetting what it felt like to seek that sort of peace.  He couldn’t recall the last time he had prayed; maybe during that terrible vigil the whole team had held on the bus after Binghamton.  

“Would you like to come with me tomorrow?”

“I’m not Catholic.”

“It’s not a Catholic church.”  He looked at her in surprise.  “I didn’t find the parish of the local Church very welcoming, so I found an alternative.”

“Yes,” Nicky said, not really sure why he felt so hesitant.  “I’ll come with you.”

“I go to the early service most of the time,” she said, and he wasn’t sure if it was apology or warning.  “I leave at seven-thirty.”

He groaned internally; after his sleepless night he had been looking forward to spending most of the next day in bed.  “I’ll be ready.”

*****

The church was like nothing Nicky had seen before.  There was no ornate glass, no crucifix, no organ.  It almost looked like a business building, but off the vestibule the bulk of it was one large room with pews.  A friendly man in a blue suit greeted Renee by name when she entered.  

“Reverend Pawalek, this is my friend Nicky,” she said, and the minister held out his hand in greeting.  His grip was warm and solid.  He reminded Nicky of Erik’s father, though he couldn’t have said exactly why.  Something about his eyes, maybe.  Or the generous cut of his mouth.

They entered the sanctuary and sat in a pew near the back.  Nicky’s gaze was immediately caught by a small pride flag sticker on the otherwise plain podium.  He glanced at Renee; she gave him a nod.  All around him people were filtering in, men and women and children, black and white and brown.  There were piercings and tattoos and wild hair and wilder clothes.  Some, like Renee, wore crosses; he spotted two hijab, and a yarmulke.  The only thing they all had in common was the attentiveness with which they turned towards the podium when Reverend Pawalek took his spot.

Afterwards Nicky could not have recalled a single sentence of the sermon.  He knew that it was about how to help God’s love manifest here on earth, but the specifics were washed away in the rhythm of the minister’s tenor voice.  He felt embraced by that voice, cocooned by it; for reasons he could not have told, tears fell until his hands and shirt were damp with them.  Around him the other people were smiling and laughing and crying too.  

He had never felt so loved outside of Erik’s arms.  He had never known faith so uncorrupted by religion.  At the end, as Reverend Pawalek put up a prayer about love and acceptance, Nicky prayed as he hadn’t in too many months.  He prayed for forgiveness:  Neil’s.  God’s.  His own.  For once, he did not even think about his father, standing over him pallid and stern.  His father did not understand God like this; was incapable of understanding a God that was not a stand-in for his own judgments.  But this—this was the God Nicky had always sought, the one Erik and Renee so freely opened their hearts to.

An hour had passed in the thrall of that voice and those words, but it felt like days later when they stumbled out into the heat of a South Carolina morning.  Renee took his hand, threading her fingers through his.  They didn’t speak as they headed back to campus in Allison’s car.  Nicky didn’t think he had any words anyway.

*****

He went back the following Sunday.  Andrew had not allowed him time alone to talk to Neil.  He might’ve tried while Andrew was at Bee’s but he didn’t want the rest of the team listening in.  Neil kept catching his eye, and Nicky took hope from that.  Fitting, then, that the sermon was about hope.  The way hope can keep us alive when all else around us is trying to drag us down.   The way hope can erase fear, can erase hate, can fortify against the judgment of others.  That hope can help us let go of the fear of falling.  That hope is just a different word for faith.

Another week passed.  Aaron and he went back to their usual brand of “good,�� and Matt seemed to have forgotten about all of it.  Andrew’s vigilance did not falter, but Nicky had never thought he would forget.  Though he would have loved Andrew’s forgiveness, it didn’t really matter in the end; it had been Neil he—no, they—had wronged.

Aaron and Katelyn were cuddling on the couch and Matt was just starting a movie when there was a knock on the suite door.  Matt answered it; Nicky got to his feet when he heard Neil’s voice, though the words were quiet and indistinct.  Then Matt called his name and he walked to the door.  

Neil still looked guarded, but there was something other than fear behind it.  Hope, maybe.  Or determination.  He followed Neil into the suite he shared with Kevin and Andrew.  It was empty, so Nicky assumed the others were out somewhere.  He leaned against the door.  Somehow it felt safer.

“I wanted to talk,” Neil said.

“Me too.  I’ve been wanting to since that night.”  Nicky hated the quiver in his voice.  “Oh, Neil, I’m so, so sorry.  That look on your face…I never wanted you to have to look at me like that.”

“I’m fine.”  Neil’s mouth twisted in an ironic smile after he said the words.  “It just made me remember, you know?  Being drugged and not able to control myself.”

Nicky’s heart ached.  “I still can’t believe I did that.”

“Honestly, the being drugged thing bothered me more than the kisses.”

Somehow that made Nicky feel worse.  “I tried to justify it so many different ways, you know?  All of it.”  He slid down the door so he was sitting on the floor, looking up at Neil on the beanbag chair.  “Andrew was so certain.  God, he’s always so certain that he’s right.  It’s easier just to go along with it.”

“I know.”  

Nicky’s lips twitched at Neil’s wry tone but the smile wouldn’t quite form.  Neil didn’t know, not really; Andrew gave ground over and over to him in a way he never did for anyone else.  And Neil had never sought the easier path.  “It seemed like such a clever idea.  Honestly I was so freaking proud of myself for thinking of it, you know, a way to keep you high without getting caught.”

“It was creative,” Neil said thoughtfully.

It was hard to keep back the ready tears at that.  “The thing is, though, I also just really wanted to kiss you.  I was lonely, I hadn’t seen Erik in forever, and you’re hot.  I guess I just thought you needed to lose some inhibitions or something.  Like that’s for me to say.  What the hell made me think I had the right to decide that?”

Neil shrugged.  “I think a lot of people think like that.”

“It wasn’t until everything went down before Thanksgiving that I got it.  I mean, Jesus, what kind of an asshole am I?  Like, I had to see that in order to understand?”  He thought again of dazed Andrew, frantic to make sure Aaron was okay, the blood and worse from the dead body on the floor, and Neil so…so gentle.  Not for the first time, he wondered how he hadn’t seen it then, the love they had for each other.  His sniff was embarrassingly loud.

“But you understand now,” Neil said.

Nicky nodded, feeling a bit like a bobblehead doll.  “Absolutely.”

“I think a lot of people wouldn’t.  I think a lot of people would say it was totally different.”

“You might be right,” Nicky said.  It didn’t really make it any better.  It didn’t change that he had taken advantage of someone he cared about, someone who was compromised.  He didn’t understand how Neil could be so vicious sometimes, and yet find forgiveness too.  For some reason, Reverend Pawalek’s words about hope popped into his head: he had talked of hope not for a better world after this one but for making this world a better one, for making it a world of justice, of peace.  In his own way, Neil was fighting for that.

Somehow, somewhere in that terrible year since that first night in Columbia, Neil had let go of the fear of falling.

Nicky dashed the tears from his eyes and stood on shaky legs.  “Ugh, everyone’s going to know I was crying,” he said, trying for normalcy.

“You look fine,” Neil said, getting up too.  Of course, Neil’s definition of that left something to be desired.  

“Can I?” Nicky asked, holding his arms open in invitation.  Neil hesitated just a moment, then stepped into the circle of Nicky’s arms.  Nicky pulled him in and held him close.  Not tightly, but—close.  He knew Neil would never understand, really.  He never seemed to see it.  Outsiders never did either.  They just saw a fucked up kid with a smart mouth.  

But for the rest of them, for the Foxes, he was hope.  Precious, and fragile, and a reason to keep going on.  A reason to let go of the fear of falling.

[minyavd]

Neil and Andrew getting the cats before leaving PSU + foxes reactions!! (Also your writing is life)

AWWWW this prompt is everything I ever wanted & thank youuu

Warning: Brief descriptions of animal cruelty

During Neil’s sophomore year and Andrew’s junior year at PSU, the foxes came to the understanding that they will never ever completely grasp all aspects of Neil and Andrew’s relationship

Andrew always did what Neil “asked” and they could never figure out how Neil managed it

Nicky is convinced that Neil is offering sexual favors

Matt covers his ears every time this theory is raised, unable to face the fact that his little bro is having sex

So the foxes were understandably baffled when they walked into the monster’s dorm room and found two kittens sitting on Andrew’s lap

And when asked about them, Neil said that he “asked Andrew if they could keep them, and Andrew said okay”

Honestly the real story was a bit more complicated than that

But the foxes didn’t need to know what transpired between the two when they first found the kittens, shivering underneath the bleachers at the Foxhole Court and mewling at the body of their dead mother

Andrew and Neil were running late to their midnight practice with Kevin, having come from a weekend trip in Columbia

It was storming pretty fiercely, the loud thunder creating a rumble of anxiety in the pit of Neil’s stomach as they approached the court doors

Andrew stopped in front of the padlock but didn’t put in the code

“The code is Abby’s house number.”

“I know.”

“2269”

Andrew looked at him like he was stupid, which was such a common occurrence at this point that it didn’t faze Neil

“What’s wrong?”

Andrew pointed downwards and towards the left

Neil followed his gaze past the chain-linked fence towards the underside of the bleachers, a sea of darkness greeting him with the occasional obstruction of industrial supports

His shoulders tensed with foreboding. He didn’t know what was under there, but the unknown never treated him kindly before. A resounding thunderclap startled Neil to the point of impatience. “Andrew.”

In response, Andrew crouched down so he was eye-level with whatever he was looking at. Neil bent over beside him, blocking his boyfriend’s shoulders from the rain with their shared umbrella.

Something moved at the base of the chainlink fence, and as Neil’s eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness he started to make out two small, writhing kittens. They were crawling on top of a larger cat, similar in color to her children. “She’s dead, isn’t she?”

Andrew nodded as he watched the kittens with a careful eye. Even though one was slightly larger than the other, they were both obviously malnourished and mangey looking.

“Do we call animal control? Maybe maintenance?” Neil started to pull out his cellphone, but was interrupted by Andrew suddenly standing up. He grabbed hold of the chainlink fence, took a minute to find footholds, and then hoisted himself up and over to the other side in one smooth motion.

“Andrew?”

Andrew didn’t respond, instead choosing to crouch down next to the dead cat and lift the two kittens by the scruff of their necks.

“What if they have diseases?”

“Then they’ll be perfect murder weapons.”

“Not if they murder you first. Andrew, you can’t be serious.”

Andrew glared and held the kitten in his left hand above the fence, indicating that Neil should take it. Neil hesitated for a second, but then rolled his eyes and held out his hands. The kitten was deposited safely, but Neil held it about two feet away from him. He had never held an animal before in his life.

Andrew handed him the second kitten, and Neil repeated the process of holding it away from his person like they were Kevin’s old Exy socks. Andrew dug his phone out of his pocket, sent out a quick text, and then climbed back over the fence.

“We’re going back to the dorm.”

“But what about practice?”

“Kevin knows not to expect us.”

“Oh joy.”

They loaded back into the Maserati, the kittens settled on Neil’s lap and wrapped up in Andrew’s PSU hoodie. Neil didn’t want to ask questions, he knew that he and Andrew were done with the truth for truth game, but he had no idea why Andrew felt the need to rescue some abandoned kittens. They were pretty cute, despite probably having a few diseases, but Neil knew that Andrew didn’t care about such things.

He stewed over it in silence on their way back to the dorm. When they reached their room, Andrew went to their bedroom and came out seconds later with his laptop. Neil sat down next to him on the couch, the kittens sleeping soundly in his arms. They were still shaking from the cold, but they had stopped meowing about halfway through the car ride. Neil didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.

Apparently neither did Andrew, since judging by his google search results he was researching the exact same thing.

A few hours passed, Andrew researching everything he could about cat care while Neil held the kittens and dozed off. Occasionally Andrew would stand up, get something, and then sit down. At one point he grabbed a bowl of milk and microwaved it, setting it at Neil’s feet and coaxing the kittens into drinking from it with small nudges of his hand.

Neil swung his feet onto the couch, since a half an hour had gone by and Andrew wasn’t budging from his cross-legged position on the floor next to the cats. He was just beginning to doze off again when Andrew spoke up.

“Cass had kittens once.”

Neil shifted on the couch to face him and the kittens, his full attention hanging on every word Andrew spoke. “What happened to them?”

Andrew’s eyes went dead and Neil’s stomach dropped, “Her son partially buried them in the backyard and then ran them over with a lawn mower.”

Neil swallowed. That sounded like something Nathan would do. His eyes travelled to the helpless kittens climbing over Andrew’s lap, softly mewling healthily now that they had their fill of warm milk. “Where’s the closest store that sells pet supplies?”

Andrew looked up at him slowly, his expression carefully blank. “Cats can live for up to 18 years.”

“I’m sure we can manage to stay alive for that long.”

“The average cost of owning a cat is five hundred dollars a year.”

“We could appoint Matt as their godfather if we do die.”

“That’s $18,000 out of your precious paycheck.”

“They could be the Exy team mascots. Dan would eat it up.”

“They’ll pee all over our clothes and scratch all the furniture.”

“Maybe Nicky could name them. God knows we could never come up with anything he’d approve of.”

“Kevin will kick them out of the dorm the moment he sees them.”

“Since when do you ever listen to Kevin?” Neil was off the couch, sitting on the floor in front of Andrew with his legs spread out on either side of him. The kittens slept peacefully between their laps, oblivious to whatever was happening. Neil leaned in, his lips dangerously close to Andrew’s. Their breaths mingled together, the smell of cigarette smoke that clung to Andrew like it was his natural scent electrified the air and encouraged Neil to lean in even closer, his lips brushing against the shell of Andrew’s ear.

“Andrew, yes or no?”

Andrew leaned away from Neil and sent him a glare, but Neil knew better than to take it at face value.

“Yes.”

The dorm door burst open right as Neil was about to take Andrew up on his double meaning. Nicky, Matt, Dan, Allison, and Renee stood shell-shocked in the doorway, wide eyes and open mouths abound.

Unfortunately they all started shouting at once

“We heard something meowing and–”

“Oh my god were you guys just about to make out–”

“I thought you guys were at night practice–”

“–we just wanted to make sure you weren’t torturing any cats in here.”

“Don’t glare at us Andrew–”

“–and we MISSED IT?!”

Andrew made to stand up, but at his movement the kittens were jostled and unfortunately revealed to the gaping foxes. A resounding gasp from each fox rang out as they noticed how little and small and cute and oh my god their little faces!

One glare from Andrew shut up both Matt and Nicky simultaneously

“Okay, one question and then we’ll shut up and leave you guys alone,” Allison pushed her way to the front of group, pointing at the kittens that Neil had snatched up and hidden from their excited outburst, “how the hell did you convince the monster to get kittens?”

Neil gave her a blank stare.

“I asked.”