#and idk if u noticed but i do follow and interact with guys on twitter who do not have big accounts. once again it's because

[disgustinggf]

Lol I found out who the guy you fucked and meet loool he has a big dick and has lots of followers of course lool

You would never be friends and meet with a guy with average cock and not alot of followers

not u making a burner account after i blocked u on anon 💀 the reason why i wouldn't be friends with u or meet u or fuck u is because ur creepy and u keep disrespecting my boundaries

[thedreadvampy]

Ok please if you don’t mind saying - who is Stuart semple and what did he do? I’m so confused. Like I recognise the name and I think he might the an artist or something but I have no idea

He is indeed an artist! He’s a English multidisciplinary fine artist best known for his ongoing beef with English sculptor Anish Kapoor over the 2016 exclusive licensing on the process to make Vantablack colour coating, which meant Kapoor was the only artist allowed to use it. Then Stuart Semple made Pinkest Pink pigment and said it was available to everyone but Anish Kapoor, and there was a big blowup which there’s a lot of documentation of - it was very memed.

Since then, Semple has made a bunch more pigments, most of them with the available-to-everyone-but-Anish-Kapoor disclaimer, and the beef periodically flares up, although I will say as time goes on it seems to me to have got increasingly one-sided given that Kapoor has pretty much wandered off.

(I’ve used several of his colours, btw. Pinkest Pink is pretty good. Blackest Black, his attempt to make the blackest possible paint (as opposed to Vantablack which is a nanofibre coating) I was pretty disappointed in, I’ve honestly had better light capture from mid-range art shop paints. His other pigments vary in quality - some I really liked, some I was meh on, but I think Blackest Black is the only one I was actively unimpressed by)

Anyway. Where I come in is much less exciting. 

A few months ago I reblogged a post on Tumblr asking about Semple from a discourse tag (my reblog did not tag or @ anyone), and I made a glib comment where I said (very truthfully) that while I thought he was pretty decent at pigments, both his paintings and his online persona came across pretty adolescent to me.

so it turns out Stuart Semple is an inveterate name searcher (hi Stuart if you’re reading this!) 

(Side note: I actually should have guessed this from 2019 Twitter when he saw and commented on an untagged thread I wrote about him and Kapoor’s beef (which was because I’d seen an article in which Kapoor, a British-Asian man, said that the racist Prevent strategy was liable to drive young British-Asian men into the arms of terrorist groups by making it clear their country hates them reblogged on Semple’s account with a caption claiming Anish Kapoor was pro-terrorism, which, while tongue-in-cheek, isn’t a neutral statement for a white person to make about an Asian person and was a pretty phenomenally bad-faith reading of Kapoor’s actual words) and in my thread I pretty much said that when the story had broken, I, like everybody else, had found it very funny and been firmly on side with Semple’s bit, but I felt that a) after a couple of years it really wasn’t very relevant any more and it had started to feel less like Fighting The Power and more like bullying the amount of Semple’s web presence was devoted to talking about Anish Kapoor; b) that it was a shame that Anish Kapoor was increasingly only known as The Vantablack Guy given that I really like a lot of his work and c) that continuing to frame a Jewish person of colour as the Face of the Artistic Elite was a bit weird given how overwhelmingly white the high-end art world is. but I digress. Semple responded to that thread, I don’t really remember what he said, it wasn’t an acrimonious response but it was a bit Oh I Didn’t Do Anything To Tag You?)

so anyway he found my reblog and commented saying ehhh I don’t remember, something along the lines of not feeling like I was being very kind and that he was trying his best. also I think he said I had accused him of being racist? which again the actual Tumblr post literally just said I thought his art and persona came across as juvenile and I think in the tags? I mentioned that I thought it was time for him to step off the Kapoor beef. 

then he screencapped my post, including my profile picture and username, and posted it on all his socials with a kind of :( people are so mean on Tumblr :( caption and um

idk if you know this about Being A Public Persona With Tens Of Thousands of Followers but. if you post someone’s identity and say ‘I do not like what this person is doing’ it. can get messy fast.

uh I don’t follow Stuart Semple (see the original post I made) but he commented to make sure I knew he’d posted my post on Instagram and “all my followers like your wig :)” which. according to my partner who did go and look at the time, the Instagram comments were largely about how I was an ugly non-passing trans woman aka “man in a wig” which. throw the whole suitcase out. There were a good few days where I got a lot of angry anons, ranging from ‘stop bullying Stuart Semple!!!!!’ to ‘die in a ditch graphically’ to ‘how can you claim to have opinions on art when You Are On Tumblr’ (I have been a freelance illustrator for 7 years and I have a Masters in art and design) to ‘your art sucks and you’re fat and ugly’ and my personal favourite ‘how can u be cis and use she/her pronouns you dumb snowflake’

(within that furore was a whole branch where someone was like ‘sex worker huh bet you’re bad at it’ and I was like ‘yep! that’s why I don’t do it any more! it’s hard work and it involves a lot of self-promotion and customer skills which I don’t like and am not good at!’ and this was a Whole Thing where they kept trying to insult me (much like today’s anon) about my supposed failures as a Slut Who Is Bad At Sex and I kept going like ‘ok but here’s how that just. doesn’t make sense in reference to what sex work actually is so like, ok?’)

and Stuart Semple and I were also having a conversation which, depending on your perspective I would call his attitude either conciliatory or passive-aggressive, there was a lot of ‘me and my followers would never say rude things about you :) keep up the art kiddo :)’ and being charitable I would say he was trying to be nice while being angry, and to avoid escalating (but with the added context I got later about the wig comment, I think that interpretation of his behaviour maybe. has some cracks?) and ultimately he took down the posts, we had a brief conversation about keeping pet reptiles (apparently he has a lizard) and we left it on, if not good terms, at least peaceable ones. 

however I still periodically get messages about it from angry Semple stans. and I’m not sure the argument was resolved, in that I still very much think it’s fair to make criticism, including quite harsh criticism (which I’m not sure ‘adolescent’ is), on art which is put out for public display and enjoyment, and that it isn’t a personal attack to post a criticism of someone’s public-facing work and statements on social media unless you actively target it towards them (for example, @ ing them), and Semple still thinks there’s no difference between a random blog with under a thousand followers criticising a public figure’s work and a public figure with 100k followers on most platforms criticising that blog (out of context - he clipped out the post I was reblogging from and my explanatory tags, and looking at my blog you may notice that 90% of my nuance is in the tags) while giving his followers all the information to find said blog.

(also as multiple people have remarked. if you want to say it’s an unfair criticism to call your online presence immature, being a middle-aged artist who as far as I can tell has a net worth over a million who spends your time name searching yourself in order to get mad at untagged mild criticism from strangers on the internet and share it on all your socials for your followers to join you in Being Big Mad is uhhhhhhh. it uh. it’s not like. not super thin-skinned and immature)

(also also I just googled his net worth and unsurprisingly I can’t find a source on it I’d consider reliable, but I did find multiple articles about him getting in trouble for breach of contract and nonpayment for gallery employees, including two accusations of him writing a big defensive blog post then changing it after a few hours to a very short post saying I LOVE YOU so like idk how true that is but it does seem. consistent with the above interactions.)

[yikesharringrove]

the fic you wrote for my last prompt was amazing, ty 😭 can you do 50 + 56 this time please? and if you want to work in dyslexic!steve too that would be awesome! 🥰

You are speaking my fuckin’ language, dyslexic Steve is my ABSOLUTE jam. Honestly, whenever I write Steve, he’s dyslexic, although sometimes it’s not mentioned because it’s not important to Harry’s journey @ jk rowling

Thank you for your request! I’m really glad you liked the other one I wrote! You’re anonymous so I don’t know which one that is but I really enjoyed writing them all! Sorry for my manic energy rn.

Something a little different, it’s modern au! This is probably nothing like what you were thinking so I’m sorry, but I kinda love it ngl.

50: Secret Admirer

56: “I don’t know if I should be flattered or offended.”

Prompt list!

Billy spent three and a half hours reading through every single tweet on the account.

There were so fucking many of them. The earliest one was timestamped from four days ago, so obviously, this person had no life outside of tweeting.

Tweeting about Billy.

He had a few personal favorites. He had retweeted them to his account, figuring may as well play it up, make a joke outta everything.

@ImHardForHargrove: sorry WHOMST gave you the RIGHT to have eyes that fuckin blue im YELLING

@ImHardForHargrove: watchin u play basketball is a religious experience y are ur arms so BIG hhnnnng

And Billy’s absolute favorite, which he pinned right at the top of his account

@ImHardForHargrove: ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass

Billy knew he looked good. Knew he turned heads wherever he went. He did that on purpose. But realizing someone at Hawkins High had set up a thirst account for him, well.

“I don’t know if I should be flattered or offended.” Billy had explained the situation to Robin, letting her go through the account on his phone. “Like, It’s kinda nice, whoever this guy is, he’s got a crush. But also like, It’s kinda creepy. Plus he’s objectifying me,” Billy was talking through his sandwich.

Robin made a face of disgust. “Why do you keep saying ‘he’? All of the girls in this fucking school are practically drooling for you.”

“Hard for Hargrove, Robin. I know you’re like, revolted by the peen and whatever but that does not excuse a lack of basic sexual education and anatomy.” She gagged at him. Honest to God, gagged. He thought she was gonna spew all over the table.

“If I ever hear you call it a peen ever again, it’s on sight Hargrove.” Heather plopped herself down next to Robin, kissing her cheek before zeroing in on Billy’s phone, still in Robin’s hand.

“Have you guys worked out who it could be yet?” Her eyes were wide at Billy.

“Billy says he thinks its a guy even though people with penises aren’t necessarily men.” Robin gave him a pointed look.

“Yeah Robin, I know that, but, I don’t know I just think it’s a guy penis-having person.”

Heather narrowed her eyes at him. “Do you actually think that, or are you just hoping in that goblin little brain of yours that this account is Steve Harrington’s.” Billy could feel the heat spread down his neck.

“Billy, I know Steve is like, the only out guy in this whole fucking town, but you can do way better than him.  PLUS, I feel like it makes more sense if the person running this account wasn’t out and had to channel their gay yearning through social media.”

“First of all Robin, you have this vendetta against Steve that I don’t get. He’s a nice guy. He’s kinda dopey, kinda dumb, but he’s like, sweet and shit. Second, I’m not out, so it still could be him because he doesn’t think I would, like, accept his advances or whatever. Hence, gay internet yearning.” The chime of the bell sent them packing their lunches, Billy’s phone vibrated in Robin’s hand. She rolled her eyes when he realized he turned on notifications for the account

“Get a fucking life you loser.” She slapped the phone into his hand. He opened the new tweet with embarrassing zeal.

@ImHardForHargrove: i saw u talking with ur mouth full and it was yucky but i was still  🥺🥺

His head shot up, trying to see who would have been facing him during lunch, but the cafeteria was almost empty.

The rest of the week Billy took deliberate care of every interaction he had with anyone. Observing who was in his surroundings, and making note of everything he did and said. He took extra caution around Steve, wanting to spot any minute detail that could give away who ran the account.

The account started blowing up. People were retweeting like fucking crazy. Everywhere he went, he was being asked if he’s seen it, like he doesn’t regularly retweet the good ones. The search for the owner of the account had spread throughout the whole school. A few girls even tried to claim the account was theirs, but every time that happened the account would tweet out something to discredit whoever made the claim, proving them a liar.

Billy was starting to lose hope it was Harrington. The tweets were coming at all different times, posted whenever the person thought about it, so Billy was losing track of who was near when he said or did something. And the tweets were always about stupid stuff Billy didn’t register doing. On Wednesday night the account said

@ImHardForHargrove: hi when you chew on your pencil and it makes me 🥴 that is all thx for comin to my ted talk

Friday afternoon gave them all:

@ImHardForHargrove: walked past ur classroom and u were asleep ive never wanted to CUDDLE someone so bad in my LIFE

But Saturday, Saturday renewed all hope for Harrington Billy could possibly have. Lauren Kranz was throwing a party. It was the first real rager in a while, so everyone was there, and everyone was sloshed. Everyone but Billy, who’d agreed to be designated driver for Robin and Heather like some kinda idiot.

He was brooding on the back porch when his phone went off. The account was active, and the owner was drunk.

@ImHardForHargrove: I can seeeeee u oyt the windw I wan u 2 FUC ME. RAW DOG.

@ImHardForHargrove: srry ur so beauitiful nd THICCC

@ImHardForHargrove: I wana shoot my shot but idk if u lik bois

@ImHardForHargrove: (ys i am boi)

@ImHardForHargrove: nd i dont wana get my heart broken agin 😥

He was right about it being a guy. He was right about him being too nervous to approach him outright. His brain was screaming stevestevesteve at him. Hawkins was shook when Steve came out as bisexual in his sophomore year. He was the golden boy, a real jock. He was NOT the kind of guy people would assume queer in a small midwestern town.

He was kind of a douchebag, dumping one girl for another, sleeping with her and never calling again. But then he settled down with this guy from the University of Indianapolis for a few months until Steve caught him cheating. Apparently, he had slashed the guy’s tires. Billy was impressed.

The next year came Wheeler, who only stuck around long enough to make sure Steve was nice and whipped before she fucked off on him too. So Steve retreated. Spent more time with middle schoolers than anybody else. Didn’t want to put his heart on the line anymore until he knew it wouldn’t be stomped on.  Billy could respect that.

Billy couldn’t risk being out in a town like Hawkins. Word always had a way of getting right back to his dad, and in a tiny hick town with nothing better to do than gossip, it was usually only a matter of hours before Neil heard something he didn’t like.

@ImHardForHargrove: srry 4 bad typing rn. drunk nd dysl exic ren’t a happy combo

Billy’s heart stopped. The drunken idiot was giving himself away. Maybe if he sat here staring at the account long enough, enough would be revealed he could figure it all out like a shitty drunk episode of Blue’s Clues.

He was so focused on Twitter, refreshing his feed, again and again, he didn’t notice a very drunk, and very unsteady Steve Harrington stumbling out the back door towards him. Until he crashed into his back.

“Sorry, Bill!” Billy had Steve by the shoulders trying to keep him upright. “Heyy I have a question for you.” Steve grabbed one of Billy’s hands and veered over to the table and chairs arranged neatly on the small patio. When they were sitting, Steve kept ahold of Billy’s hand.

“Hi.” Steve was smiling like a little kid. Billy was in fucking love.

“hey, Harrington. What was your question.”

“So-oo. I have this friend. A very good friend. Super close. And he has a big ol’ crush on you but he’s too scared to ask you himself because he keeps getting his heart fuckin’ broken so he wanted me to ask. Are you into guys?” It’s a miracle Billy understood any of that, every word blending into the next.

“That depends.” Billy leaned in, running his tongue along his bottom lip. He saw Steve take in a sharp breath, following the movement with his glazed eyes. He knew Steve was talking about himself, he just wanted to rile him up a little. Make him blush first. “This friend you’re talkin’ about. He’s our age? Like you’re not trying to set me up with one a’ your kids, right?” Steve physically recoiled.

“NO, you fuckin’ pedo. I’m NOT trying to set you up with a fuckin’, fuckin’ middle schooler. My friend is, uh eighteen. He’s a senior.” Unless Tommy fuckin’ H. suddenly had a penchant for dick Billy didn’t know about, Steve was 100% talking about himself.

“Well, if he’s as pretty as you are, I’d love to go out with him sometime.” Billy winked. Steve went red.

“Okay, but like, does that mean you’d go out with me? Like I’m as pretty as me, right? Because I was talking about me. Not ‘a friend’ I was talking about me. Steve.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that out. You know, I was hoping it was you running that Twitter. Any time you’d tweet out something you wanted to do with me, I was always picturin’ doing it with you, Baby.” Billy was practically purring. “Especially all the shit you wanted me to do TO you.” Steve gave something between a whine and a groan and flopped himself onto Billy’s lap, straddling him with very little grace.

“Thank God. ‘Cause you’re so fucking hot I’d let you do anything to me. Anything, Bill.” Billy smiled softly at him.

“Then let me take you home. Let me put you in bed to sleep off all this. And let me take you to breakfast tomorrow. Something nice and greasy for your hangover tummy.” Steve was a puddle in Billy’s lap. “C’mon, Drunky, git your ass up.” Steve just giggled and muttered Drunky Skunky under his breath.

Billy sighed and stood up, hefting Steve up with him.

“Bil-ly,” Steve whined. “You’re so strong, this is so fucking hot. I gotta tweet about this.”

“Tweet it later, Sweet Thing.”

It took Billy for-fucking-ever to find Robin and Heather (they were making out in the basement with the stoners). But Steve chirped and cooed into his ear, so happy Billy could lift him and hold him like it was nothing.

The last tweet from the account was timestamped from Sunday evening.

@ImHardForHargrove: Hi this is Steve. Billy’s my boyfriend now 🥰#ThirstWorks

[btsandvmin]

Collection of asks - BTSandVMIN

Some of the asks I answer I personally feel are worth saving, for me personally, and perhaps for you as well. But I don’t want to put them all in my Masterpost since there are so many and I am sure the list will grow. So I am putting the ones I feel might have something worth reading in one place. 

Thank you all for asking me interesting questions and liking my posts. Asks are written more in the moment than my usual posts, so they might be less accurate as it’s all mostly from the top of my head. The newest ones will actually be on top, and then they will get older going down the list. I’ll update it regularly as I answer more asks. :)

Jimin was so clearly in need of cuddles from Tae as soon as they saw each other

Odd if none of them shared what they did during vacations

It just feels scripted, just like when they're talking abt what each other did during their vacations

100 days of winter bear and jiminie wears something that makes him look like a baby bear

About BV4, do you think it’s weird that Taehyung only found out about what Jimin did during his vacation on the day Jimin was back?

Dionysus stage as battle of gods and V=Apollo(God of Sun) and JM=Artemis(God of Moon) and their dance and wearing twin earrings(as the gods r twins) and I just remembered your whole vmin sun and moon theory

Is Tae Jm's mirror in bighits's fictional world?

Do you know what is the full video of this youtube video "BTS Jimin chose V ? VMin Moment?

When BV: Malta was airing, Jimin would post pictures of each episode on Twitter and stopped on the episode that Taehyung arrives

I'm like a hardcore Km shipper (romantically) since 2016 but i have to agree every song Tae has written connects with Jm

We don't see vmin together often... so yeah jikook could be more real then vmin

I'm trying to find tweets that vmin send to each other on their birthday but I can't find the one that jimin send for tae in 2017 did he send one? 

The new run bts episode was really filmed in May?

Did Jimin released Promise on Tae's birthday?

I am working on a Vmin analysis which is currently 24 pages just in text. O___o

He calls JM "My Baby" but the subtitles put in by BH say "Good Boy" Why would they change the translation. 

Shipping sometimes seems pointless. Especially when "moments" between one ship can easily be spotted with another. 

I can't believe that some fans thought that vmin were not friends anymore because a game!

It's so cute how Jimin and V talked about arguing with each other over small things because they are close friends

I think people who unfollow you are Multishippers who believe in other ship

Is it kind of weird that vmin has never went on a trip by themselves? 

Seeing all the vmin interactions of this last concert, do you think this might be a reason why BH will not give us vmin duet?

I would love to read ur vmin story

Concerning the nightmare before Christmas thing

The Disney birthday project turned up to be false

Jimin thinks V is "mi bb' What does the question mean?

I don't think we'll get a Vmin song

BTS, 191009_ ICN INT' Airport Departure) at 40 seconds

Where do you write fics? I really want to read your fics...

It's interesting to see the way the bh editors work

Where is the vmin break up mini movie video from?

Do you ship Jimin or Tae with k pop girls?

The members trying to break off a vmin moment on cam?

Is it true that bts don't live together?

What do you think about the concept photos? (PERSONA)

What other vmin blogs do you follow or check regularly?

In an usa interview where jimin was kinda leaning on the male interviewer for a few seconds and suddenly tae was looking kinda tense

Did you catch up on everything for bts or/and vmin before the BS&T era?

You should see @vlovers19 blog

I'm sorry if you think I offended you or judged you

Do you know that Tae hold hands with other member even Suga or they all hold hands with each other so it's not only a VMIN thing

About bon voyage 3 and them not sharing rooms and the car

4 oclock is supposedly dedicated to jimin, why Tae waits for him in the park if they live together?

Imagine my surprise when i saw vk/ook,ji/kook were the most popular. I tried to understand but i still don’t get why

Do you think vmins lack of or th reduced amount of skinship comes from the fact that they are same aged friends? 

Other ships (kpopidols) that you like?

Part of me wanted Taehyung to be in Paris too

The boys being apart of the lgbt community that's unrelated to their relationship

If someone in BTS is gay he will try to date girls or maybe marry a girl in the end?

If vmin are really together and if they were to come out, how do you think they would do that?

I feel like they use the word "friend" instead of, idk, "boyfriend”

You saw the hk concert right?

Unknown nickname in his thank you note for “Dark and Wild”

When did Vmin started dating?

Bv3, I ain't getting over it.

I feel like vmin have been sexually involved for a very long time 

Any thoughts abt Tae's three rings on his right hand and always not wearing one on his ring finger?

In bts festa profile 2015 when jimin wrote tae's profile he drew a character that reminds him of taehyung

Did u see the second trailer for bring the soul documentary series? 

In one of your asks you said jk wasn't having a great time in 2017

Are you gonna make a post about vmin sharing rooms?

What would be your top 5 favorite vmin moments? 💜

Run episode to Jm and JK "Are You Guys dating ?"

Barely getting any vmin content

Sometimes i cant help but feel really weird about vmin and feel insecure

Maybe you should just ignore all the asks about other ships

Sharing a car as proof

Docskim not being allowed to release the behind story of Lie

Getting it out of the way… (about various other ships and “proof“)

What are the moments that seems most like "proof" to you? 

Have you seen the Vlive remember party?

At the end of the day, it mostly comes down to personal interpretations and preferences

Do you know why T/ae and J/imin toxic stans really hate each other?

Is it being "delusional" for some vmin fans to think scenery, promise and 4 o' clock are related to vmin?

When will u start answering anons again i really miss ur insight and wise words 

I feel like jimin is forcing himself the affection he is showing is mostly forced

Do you have twitter?

The Rkive Vmin moment when JM ‘refused’ Tae’s cuddle

They were often looking behind cameras and it really shows like in episodes 59&60

Do you think there's a big reason that vm don't do Vlives together anymore

Vmin shippers spreading misinformation in aid of our ship?

Can I use one of your gifs? (I don’t make my own gifs, sorry)

Did you see what Tae said? ie I miss you even after being apart for 10 seconds

When one is clingy, the other will try to act as if it's bothering him

My friend is convinced Ji/kook is real

About namjoon's vlive, "it's a broadcast"

Oof is it just me or the sexual tension was through the roof between vmin in that vlive?

Tae says "our armys are watching this so... " so uhm was that..?

Where does the soulmate thing comes from with vmin?

Taehyung is more open both physically and showing affection wise with every member except Jimin

Have you seen the moments from today's concert? Fukuoka

They can do whatever they want people will say they're such good bros and won't look into it

Holding each other's hands is probably the least platonic thing that they keep doing

Do you know any good vmin analysis youtube account/videos?

why do you think jk and taehyung might not be straight?

Guys, I love vmin so much!

I really like your analysis!! a lot of good points. Can I add a couple things I noticed?

How long do you think vmin have been dating?

u really think vm is real?

Vmin are really bold these days

We get to see them bicker 

The video jimin posted where he's sending hearts to Tae

Feel conflicted about the rise in popularity

I’m a bit worried about the attention Vmin is getting recently

U answered my jik ask so well

Tae being bold because he's bursting with affection

Jimin admitted he was jealous

About the families (+kimchi ep. mini analysis)

About vmin/ji/ook/tae/kook

The whole maknae line

Never seemed to be in the same team

When people "ship" them?

Showing their bond more

About Jikook

About vmin being the less popular ship

Flustered vmin

Yeontan vlive

About the airport moment

Do you think that vmin live together?

About vmin rising in popularity

Do you have a link for that moment during New Year's 2016?

Platonic/bro label on vmin

More than friendship between vmin

My reply - Making Vmin videos

Thank you! A small reply

About my bias

Opinions above people

Once again, THANK YOU ALL so much for loving Vmin so much and for coming to me with your lovely messages. <3

[taylor]

loooong rambly post about my feelings, u can scroll past i've just gotta Vent

this is small but i unfollowed the guy i've been trying desperately to get over (on twitter only tho) and like, it's a small step but it's in the right direction (and also tbh if ur mutuals w someone on twitter and NEVER interact, and ur friends, it's kinda weird??? like NO interactions over the last 12 months, like what...)

idk, i'm not the kind of person that's just on call for this dude whenever he wants to get down and dirty, like i've gotta have more respect for myself than that.

and tbh, it's VERY telling when he'd interact with me in places others couldn't really see (DMs, discord, even tumblr) but on the more public places (twitter, sometimes instagram), it'd be diddly-squat except a like on an IG photo or something. it just hurts and kinda showed me he didn't want people in his real life (i.e. the girl i know he's had feelings for for a while) to see him interacting with me. (wonder why? - oh, i have a guess. probably because he liked that woman and didn't want her to see him talking to me since he's only romantically interested in her and not me...he basically told me as much 3 years ago when my DUMB FUCKING ASS told him i liked him....lololol)

i mean, i can't be mad at him that he doesn't like me back that way, i understand i can't fault someone who did in fact tell me in 2019 that he "didn't like me exactly like that" -- but i can put my foot down and not be accessible to him anymore in the FWB way we had. lmao

i'm just kinda rambling at this point and i certainly don't expect anyone to read this whole thing (or tbh any of it but i'm writing this mainly for me) but i've been carrying around the massive weight of this tormenting crush for almost FOUR fucking years, it's high time i put myself first. like there'd be times where he'd ignore me or not reply for months (which is fine, god knows i do that) but my issue came into play when he'd message me after his months-long hiatus like with the horniest shit ever. like okay you can't bother to wish me a fucking happy birthday (and i know he saw m like 50 stories bc he watched them immediately as i was posting them, so he knew it was my birthday lol), or reach out when you saw me about to be fired (again, i knew he saw the stories so this isn't me just reaching), or reach out when you saw i was in a depressive spiral (i don't need saving but it'd be nice to have someone check in on me SOMETIME...... BUT YOU CAN REACH OUT WHEN U WANT UR DICK WET???? that's the craziest part! he's got NO trouble triple or quadruple messaging me with his horny ass but can't be assed to wish me a happy birthday when he was basically viewing everything i posted that day starting pretty early. idk i just notice shit like that.

sorry sorry i just, i've realized i deserve more than this dude that i somehow convinced myself was "the one" due to how infatuated i'd become with him.

the person who loves me and that i love in return will inherently understand that i am NOT someone you can love quietly, i am not someone that you can just ignore until you're horny.

i'm choosing myself and i'm putting myself first and that started with me not replying to his last (pathetic) attempt to reach back out a few weeks ago (didn't even mention a late bday which tbh i'm not anal about birthday wishes on the ACTUAL day and usually a month after my bday is totally fine like i don't expect a day of, or anything - tho it'd be nice and he'd done it every year in the past besides this one) - and unfollowing him on twitter and removing him as my follower on there since he never liked or replied to anything i ever did (Which to me, and this is my personal opinion, was fucking WEIRD since he was active on there ALL the time).

it's still gonna take me a while to fully, truly get over him, but it's not fair to him to expect him to be someone he's not and clearly can't be - and it's not fair to me to keep pretending he's eventually going to change his ways. i hope he finds whatever the fuck it is he's looking for, but it's not with me.

it kinda feels good to have withdrawn from him. i doubt he'd put two and two together (i.e that his behavior and lack thereof was the reason i ended things) but maybe eventually later in life, he'll realize what a prize, what a catch, what a lover i could have been.

and by then? by then i'll be with someone who knows how to love me loudly and doesn't make me agonize over their actions.

(sidenote: he'd call me baby all the time, call me sexy, say shit like "Thank god for women, like thank god for you", and even tho I knew he was probably just saying shit, both of us knew i had at one point in time liked him - i never told him i still did and maybe he assumed as much...but like he'd be doing all this shit that made me doubt his original claim that he didn't have feelings for me. but now that it's been years and years i've realized he only wants me when it's convenient for him, and that doesn't work for me. it doesn't. i'm fucking done agonizing over whether or not he'd like my stuff or reply to me or whatever the fuck, like i'm just truly done at this point. if he wanted to, he would have, and it's as fucking simple as that)

[sweetnestor]

odlt extra #1 | a very jet lagged valentine

‘but you havent even finished odlt yet’ shuuuuttt up

idk idk!!!! i was feeling Soft and slightly lonely on v-day for god knows what reason and i just,,,,,,, vomited this out!!! here is a teeny tiny break from all the Angst that the main fic has to offer. enjoy

PREVIOUS FICS (u should read these if ur new here)(srsly this is ethan x oc)

February 2018, aka when the European tour started.

CrankGameplays: “Happy valentine’s day! You’re my favorite person and im glad i get to experience all the things with you. Love you :)”

You’d think he would post one of the many decent candid photos he’s taken of me. You know, one where my highlight was catching the light, or one where I was smiling, or one of the two of us looking disgustingly adorable. But no, Ethan went with the photo he took of me passed out on our bed in our Amsterdam hotel room, my wavy pink hair sprawled out in an ungraceful manner. I wasn’t supposed to fall asleep, nor was he. It just happened. And now my sleepy self was all over Instagram.

Ethan was just as groggy when I shook him awake. Unlike me, he was a very handsy, cuddly being when he was sleepy. He rolled onto his side and groaned in the way he would when he wanted to hold me, so I scooted into his arms and let him.

His skin was warm and weirdly soothing. We were supposed to be getting out of bed… I was supposed to be insomniac due to sheer anxiety. Time zones were out to get us. Yet somehow, it felt like the holiday itself.

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” I spoke softly into his collarbone.

He squeezed my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. “Did you see my picture?”

“Oh, did I.”

“I meant every word I said.”

Ah yes, that extra bit of validation. I smiled as I wrapped my arms around his waist. I had no idea what time it was, so I didn’t know how much time we had before we had to be in the lobby with everyone else.

“When’s the next time we’ll be alone a hotel room?” I asked, now looking up at Ethan.

He shrugged. “No idea. Why?”

“Do you think we’ll be able to sneak around like we did last time around?”

If he was struggling to wake up before, then my question sped up the process. He met my eyes, red tinting his cheeks. “Oh… I don’t know. Do you want to sneak around?”

“If we can,” I told him as I leaned in to kiss the crook of his neck. “If not then… we're alone now.”

That was all I had to say to make run late. Excuse: jet lag.

~

I was grumpy and tired when it was time to get up and do the tour thing all over again. I had a rough flight… or, two flights. We had stopped in London between flights, in which I had a panic attack and a case of the nervous shits while everyone else ate and tried not to fall asleep. Then, we were off to the Netherlands, where I fell asleep the second I got to the hotel. Ethan fell asleep too, but not before taking pictures of my sleeping, drooling face. I didn’t really mind that he would do that. I took my own photos of him while we were on the plane.

And that was what I posted on Instagram that morning in the shuttle on the way to the venue. I picked a selfie of me clutching a pillow to my chest on the plane ride over here. Ethan was in the seat next to me, his head tilted back as he slept. As sleep deprived and generally nervous as I was, I was seriously considering captioning the photo with something absolutely cheesy and deep. I actually started writing it out.

bellasanti: “To the guy who found me at my lowest point, who helped me get to where i am now… the person who has always been nothing but kind and wonderful since day 1. My biggest supporter and my best friend… I cant even begin to explain how lucky i am to have found you, and how proud i am of you and how far you’ve come. I love you more than words could describe 💙💖💙💖💙💖”

A small smile was etched on my face as I read the caption over and over again. I looked over at Ethan, who was practically standing as he “touched lenses” with Mark. They were both vlogging and being rather loud about it. More than a year later, and my heart still went all soft and mushy just by looking at Ethan do what he does best. Gross, I know.

Suddenly, the caption felt far too revealing. I had hit two million Instagram followers recently, plenty of which were also Ethan’s. Did I really want to expose bits and pieces of our relationship? I mean, it’s not like we interact a lot online, anyway. We liked to keep some things private. I copied the original caption, and then deleted it apart from the hearts. Then, I made the photo public. I sent the words to him in a Twitter DM instead, knowing he wouldn’t see it until much later.

He sat back down in his seat a couple minutes later, looking back at the footage he just recorded on his camera. I glanced at him once, and then continued looking through my phone.

“Love you,” I said softly and mindlessly.

He suddenly looked up, as if I didn't say that all the time, just loud enough so he could catch it. I saw him look at me through my peripherals, I could tell he was blushing.

“Love you too,” he replied, poking my cheek.

Finally, he put his camera down and pulled out his phone. Neither of us said anything more, but I was somewhat anxiously awaiting him to notice either my DM or my Instagram post. Somehow, just silently sitting next to each other while scrolling on our phones became one of my favorite pastimes.

“Aww,” he mumbled at one point.

I glanced over his shoulder once, only to see a flash of Jack and Signe on his Twitter feed. Why hadn't he seen his DMs yet? What was taking him so long?

Feeling uncharacteristically mushy, I lied my head on his shoulder. He smelled good, and he was soft and cuddly as ever. I was suddenly missing our short time alone back in the hotel room. We wouldn't be alone together until next month, and it suddenly seemed like a difficult challenge.

Last month, when the tour went West, Ethan and I did a full three sixty. Instead of angrily texting each other and crying in bathroom stalls, we were sexting and getting it on in the dressing room, the bathroom, and even once in my bunk when everyone else was asleep. It showed just how strong we had gotten over the last few months. But because of those raunchy activities from not only tour but also when we were home, I went to great lengths to make sure my birth control hadn't failed me. I didn’t have any symptoms, apart the usual anxiety nausea, but I still worked up the courage to schedule a doctor’s appointment prior to tour. So far, my uterus wasn’t occupying anything I didn’t want it to.

Ethan put his arm around me just as mindlessly as when I said I loved him. He was still scrolling on his phone, now on Instagram. This time, I saw him scroll up to my post, and he made a noise of protest.

“When did you take that?” he asked, showing me the plane selfie.

“When do you think?” I asked in response. “You have the best sleeping face.”

He chuckled. “You know you’re the only person who tells me that? Everyone else says it’s creepy.”

“I mean it is,” I said, half joking. “But you’re my boyfriend, and I always think you’re cute. Even when you sleep with your eyes half open.”

Ethan blushed and ducked his head a little. He always grew a little timid when I complimented or praised him. It was equally parts adorable and frustrating, because he never took the compliment.

“Stop,” he said softly.

“Have you checked your DMs?” I asked, unable to wait any longer.

He gave me a look and then went to open the app. “Well, what did you send me now…?” he asked in a funny voice.

I busied myself with intertwining my fingers with his. Then I kissed his hand and waited for him to read my sappy message.

“Aw…” He smiled. He was speaking very softly, like he didn't want the people sitting around us to hear. “That's real sweet… real cute…”

“I was gonna post that on Instagram, but decided that only you can hear things like that,” I replied in a voice just as soft. “And it's not just today, I feel that every day.”

“Aahhhh,” he groaned, now scooping me up in his arms.

Except, he did it in a way so my back was to his chest, and my head hung out in the walkway of the shuttle, capturing the attention of some of the people around us.

“Hey,” I said to Tyler, who was sitting in front of us.

“What’s up?” he replied casually. “Just hanging, I see?”

“Just hanging,” I repeated.

“Whatcha doing, Bella?” asked Mark from a couple of rows behind.

I turned my head and saw him with his vlogging camera. My cheeks reddened a little bit. “I’m not here by choice!”

“She said nice things and deserved hugs!” Ethan said.

“God, we’re gross,” I said under my breath before I was let go.

[dollofdeath]

long time no text post, but oh my goodness i just wanted to gather my thoughts on lupinranger vs patranger because it’s reignited my love for super sentai www

if you guys follow me on twitter, then you’ll probably have seen most of this lol but i wanted to put everything into a semi-coherent post so without further ado i’ll be throwing my ramblings under the read more haha

i guess i’ll just preface this with saying that this is gonna be a mix of analyzing, headcanons, speculation, and me going “AAAAAAAAA” and will be pretty long ehe

haha anyways, i was verrryyy cautiously optimistic about this show -- still am, since it’s still in the first cour, but i’ve been very pleased with what we’ve been getting so far -- but i??? just don’t even know where to begin

the very concept of two opposing sentai teams is such a novel idea in the first place and so far the dynamic has been really fun to watch! i love both teams, though i have to admit i am just a biiit more into the pats haha

oh jeez, first off all, i love how well the teams parallel each other?? i’m sure kairi // keiichiro, touma // sakuya, and umika // tsukasa are noticeable so i won’t really get into it, but there’s also another way the teams act as parallels

okay so when the teams line up, the pats are tsukasa, keiichiro, and sakya; when the lupins line up, they’re touma, kairi, and umika. in this way, you can see another set of foils!!

kairi // keiichiro stay the same since they’re in the middle, but now we also have touma // tsukasa and sakuya // umika. touma and tsukasa are both the eldest of their teams and the most mature; touma is also described as “cold” and tsukasa is a “cool beauty” haha. sakuya and umika are both the youngest of their teams and also the most naive and least experienced

(also fun fact the pats are lined up shortest to tallest; the lupins tallest to shortest -- they literally mirror each other!)

and can i talk about how the team dynamics are kinda parallel each other?? because wow!! keiichiro and tsukasa know each other pretty well -- i’m not sure how close they would consider themselves, but they have a history since they spent time together in the police academy. personally, i see them as having a sort of supportive sibling kind of relationship and ground each other. then we have sakuya, who we can consider the outsider of the dynamic since he’s the youngest and least experienced

meanwhile with the lupins, kairi and umika are closer in age than with touma, which probably makes interactions with each other easier. i sorta see them as having one of those teasing, bantering sibling-like relationships (to contrast keiichiro and tsukasa’s haha). and then there’s touma, who’s a bit of an outsider in this dynamic since he’s the eldest and doesn’t necessarily have the same mentality as them

and goodness...!! i think the possible dynamics and interactions are so interesting!!

*wheezes* i’ve been trying to refrain from jumping onto ships this early, but... i’m like completely down for kairi/keiichiro --

shipping aside, i’m sure their dynamic will be explored throughout the show since they’re both the reds. i can totally see something like keiichiro eventually becoming an older brother figure to kairi in place of shori, but eventually keiichiro learns about who kairi really is and feels Betrayed TwT or perhaps kairi befriends keiichiro in order to gain more intel but eventually starts caring about him and is faced with a Moral Dilemma haha

nonetheless, i love how already we can see kairi and keiichiro slowly gaining respect for each other?? it’s more apparent with kairi -> keiichiro, since we see the moments where he stops and goes “huh... mr. hot blooded policeman isn’t so bad.” meanwhile, keiichiro is still learning to see that everything isn’t so black and white, what with how episode 6 ended, and i absolutely cannot wait for the day they team up together!!

umika/sakuya is also another dynamic i’m on the look out for! omg it’s like... on one hand, i can feel umika for being internal screams whenever sakuya tries to talk to her, but i’m also down if they do become a couple. at the very least, sakuya seems respectful of umika and i’m glad for that -- he just doesn’t know how to be subtle about his feelings LOL but considering how things are now, i can see their relationship being like umika slowly gaining respect for sakuya and maybe eventually returning his feelings

i think something that would be cute would be if sakuya also fell for lupin yellow and was sort of “stuck” between them hehe either way, i could see sakuya taking a hit for umika (either while she’s a civilian or lupin yellow) and that could lead to umika changing her perspective on him www

but in the meantime, i am forever amused at how kairi just gives umika this shit-eating grin every time sakuya comes in to the bistro; i bet he teases her about sakuya’s crush on her all the time haha

touma and tsukasa is a ship i’d totally be down for if touma wasn’t so dedicated to aya haha but!! i think, once the teams start working together, touma and tsukasa could possibly get along. i can see them being the exasperated parents, bonding over how much shit they have to deal with from their teammates haha 

though... i’m not eliminating the possibility of touma/tsukasa --

could you imagine that, once they get to know each other better, tsukasa starts reminding touma of aya?? maybe in her mannerisms and beliefs, but wow, that would be heartbreaking haha

(man, just in general, i tend to gravitate towards cross-team pairings so that probably influences how i see things lol)

man, i’d also love to see tsukasa become like an older sister to umika and kairi?? haha idk, i think it’d be cute for them to call her “tsukasa-nee” and tsukasa looking out for them ;w; and also i want touma and sakuya to have moments together, mainly because i want sakuya to act over enthusiastically around him (”touma-san!!”) and touma to be like “wtf get lost” hahaha

omgggg, i know the whole point of the show is that the teams oppose each other, but i am completely ready for the day they join together *clenches fist*

and the characters!! are just so much fun ;w; i love all of them, but right now i think my faves are tsukasa and keiichiro. tsukasa is just highkey Relatable, being the mature one with deep dark secret of liking cute things hehe but i do hope we get to see more development from her, and i love love love how intuitive she is and how she was able to get a hunch about who the lupins really are. and keiichiro, he... had me at “ONORE KAITOU” lol but episode 6 really cemented how much i love him, he’s just so passionate and dedicated to his job?? sure, he’s reckless but i respect that he’s willing to keep himself in check. and like, underneath all the hot-bloodedness, he seems like a genuinely nice guy and very loyal ;u; 

umika is also making her way up my faves, especially with episode 7?? her backstory is so sad, i wish i could hug her ;u; and to me... she seems to exhibit symptoms of PTSD, seeing how she froze up after seeing kairi get eaten by the gangler and it reminding her of shiho ;o; i’m really proud of her though, for being able to get through her hardships and come up with a plan all on her own! hhh, i’m really looking forward to seeing everyone develop really!!

and aaaaaa omg, the cast themselves is perfect?? if you follow me on twitter, you probably see me gushing about them all the time haha but they seem to get along so well and have a lot of fun with each other -- there’s that chemistry among them and it really shows on screen! ;w;

i’d also like to talk about the OST, like... i’m forever sad that there’s no ED, but the OP, derivatives of it, and the BGM is amazing. i remember listening to the previews of “chase you up” and “spin the dial” and thought that, though they sounded nice, there was something lacking. then i heard the complete OP and my jaw literally dropped at hearing the two songs combined to create the OP -- it felt complete, like both teams complete each other ashdfsd

speaking of which, i think i prefer “chase you up” to “spin the dial” but when it comes to the BGM, i prefer the lupins’ theme hehe. something i found really neat in the lupins’ theme is that there’s this section that sounds like the “HA-SHI-RE~ HA-SHI-RE~” part from the OP and... idk if it really means much, i just love it when i can hear familiar motifs haha

hhh thanks if you read all this haha sentai has always been my fave toku series but i felt like recent years have been lackluster since go-busters?? of course, i enjoyed some of the past few years, like toq and zyuoh, but i didn’t feel that same passion i did when i first got into sentai. i was worried that maybe i was “getting too old” or maybe just falling out of love, but!! i’m so happy with lupinpat so far and i’m excited to be excited about sentai again ;w;

tl;dr i love japanese children’s cops and robbers

[the-little-prophet]

CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE: CHARLIE LITTLE 

ORIGINS & FAMILY: Name: Charles Boon-Mee Kai Little   Nickname: Charlie, Kai (Kai is Charlie’s chu len-- or Thai nickname.) Reason for name: Charles’ father wanted Charlie to have an English name first and foremost and named Charlie after himself. Boon-Mee is Charlie’s Thai name which means “good fortune.” Kai was the nickname that his mother chose because he was born early and was very small. Kai means chicken. ;) Age: 19 Gender: Male Place of birth: Swynlake, England Places lived since: Nowhere! Number of siblings: Charlie has one stepbrother from his mother’s second marriage. He usually only sees them when he visits his mother-- usually twice a year, hardly ever more. 

Relationship with family (close? estranged?): Dad–Charles “Buck” Little used to be a pro baseball player from Los Angeles California, but an injury early on in his career benched him and ended that career. Instead, Charles “Buck” Little became an insurance agent and got a job working at InterPride until Taka Lyons took over and fired half his department. That was four years ago. Now Buck gets disability insurance and works at Pride U in their IT department.

Mum- Dr. Phailin Dilsworth, formerly Little, formerly Chaisurivirat. First-generation American, became a college professor and found a job teaching at Pride University where she had her first child, Charlie. She was NOT into the magick-friendly thing as much as Charles was and wanted to move for a long time. She blamed Swynlake as a big part as to why Charlie had his chronic sleeping disorder. Eventually she got a job teaching in a school down in Bournemouth and left Charlie and Buck when he was 9 years old. She remarried when he was 10 and moved with her husband, who was also a professor, to Toronto. Charlie talks to his mom on the phone every month or so and sees her for a few weeks in the summer/every other Christmas.

Sylvester Dilsworth- Charlie’s stepbrother-- same age-- who thinks Charlie is a #freak for growing up in Swynlake, aka England’s great failed experiment. Wants to go into Psychology like his dad (thinks Charlie is #crazy). Charlie does not like Syl.

PHYSICAL Height: 5’6 (teeny) Weight: 125 ish idk height Build: Charlie has always been very short since he was a child and grew very slowly. He’s kinda still hoping he’ll put on another inch or two before he’s done growing but… looking pretty hopeless Nationality: English Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): Charlie has severe astigmatism in his eyes. He’s severely sleep-deprived and suffers from dissociative episodes. Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birth marks): Olive-toned skin, and a few moles on his face and neck. Often times cuts himself shaving (does it like every few days) and so he’ll have tiny nicks here and there. Also misses lil hairs all the time, look he’s trying Distinguishing facial features: His very big thick glasses lmao and he’s got quite pretty eyes in my opinion, even if they are hidden behind his messy fringe and big, thick glasses.  Round cherub cheeks.

Hair color: Black. Usual hair style: Messy and long-- Charlie never has time to brush his hair in the morning   Eye color: Dark brown Glasses? Contacts?: yes to both though contacts bother his eyes.

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Charlie comes from a middle-class family and dresses like a typical Brit-- sweaters over collared shirts, that kind of thing. He leans toward hipster-esque if only because he likes comfy sweaters because it’s easiest to fall asleep in haha, and he’s often seen around in pajama pants and zip up jumpers if he slept past his alarm and had no time to change. I would call his style “frumpy nerd chic.” Typical style of shoes: He wears a lot of Toms because they are comfy and easy to slip on, so you know, better than sandals. Health (is this person usually sick? or very resilient?): Chronically sleep-deprived, Charlie also suffers from migraines. He’s noticed that if he has bad migraines one day, he’ll probably have a night terror. Which stresses him out. And makes the migraine worse. Otherwise, Charlie is a relatively healthy young boy, with pollen allergies in the spring but no other sensitivities.   

Grooming (does she/he wear makeup? shower daily? wear only clean clothes? pluck her eyebrows?): NGL this could be better but it’s not his fault he’s just very tired. He does take a shower nearly every day (cold showers to wake him up) and does his own laundry so he had clean clothes. But he often does not brush his hair and wears hats to make up for it. Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: None thus far! He does wear a watch. Accent?: Typical brit Unique mannerisms/physical habits: He rubs his eyes a lot and toys with his hair. He cleans his glasses both as a compulsion and because a lot of the time when he tries to rub his eyes he will hit his glasses and need to clean them from all the finger smears.   Athletic?: He’s pretty fast and limber due to yoga and many years spent running from disasters, whether real or imagined. But Charlie won’t be beating anybody up lol INTELLECT Level of education: Completed a nurse’s assistantship and has a pheblotomist’s license. Taking uni courses on the side, hopes to one day be a proper doctor/surgeon. Level of self esteem: Medium-low. Charlie feels like a burden to his father and a freak to other people even though he knows he can’t help his condition. Years of therapy mean he’s pretty in touch with his sense of self though so while he beats himself up, he does have coping mechanisms. He also knows he is trying his best !! Gifts/talents: An excellent drawer, a pretty great cook, and a hard worker. He also has a lot of practical life skills. He’s a practical guy. Shortcomings: He can struggle to concentrate because of his health issues, he’s pretty cowardly and paranoid, he overreacts, he’s a bit socially awkward (not in a shy kind of way-- Charlie is actually outgoing ish but because he doesn’t have many friends he doesn’t understand a lot of the social cues. His desperation for friendship is also Not Attractive). Style of speech (loud, mumbler, articulate, etc.): Nervous talker for sure. Doesn’t stammer, just goes on and on and on. Definitely overshares when nervous. “Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?: Left-brained.Charlie is deductive, rational, and wants to be a doctor someday. His secondary -claw is super strong and he craves an explanation for things and hates that he doesn’t have one for his night terrors. The fact that it could be magic also doesn’t comfort him but scares him, despite growing up in Swynlake (hey he thought he was a Mundus all the time ok!) beccause he doesn’t uNDeRstanD and can’t conTrol it. Artistic?: Yes, uses charcoal and pastels. Mathematical?: Yes, he’s p good at math. Languages? Just English. He once spoke in Tongues during one of his Doomer episodes but that was probably a glitch haha. His mother never taught him any Thai.

Makes decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?: Logic, always logic.

Neuroses: Thinks World Is Ending At All Times

Life philosophy: uh don’t die? Do the good you can with the tools you have. Be Prepared-- Two is one, and one is none (aka hvae two of everything; its a prepper mantra). 

Religious stance:  Is starting to explore aspects of buddhism which is tied to his Thai culture (something he’s very distanced from especially because his mother no longer lives with him and she was pretty removed from it too) and hopes will help him with his night terrors.

Cautious or daring?:  Cautious Optimist or pessimist?: Pessimist- the world is literally always ending.

Extrovert or introvert?: Ambivert, leaning to introversion. If Charlie had friends, he’d probably prefer smaller get togethers and that kind of thing but he would totally socialize and likes talking to people and working together in group projects charlie it is so sad that school is your main form of interaction.   Level of comfort with technology: Very comfortable. True millennial. Instagram, Twitter, FB, blog. He depends on his phone and computer a lot for his social life/coping mechanisms. He definitely has internet friends who are doomers like him.

RELATIONSHIPS Current marital/relationship status: Single Sexual orientation: Bi. Charlie doesn’t really think about romance that much because he’s mostly preoccupied with Death but he had a crush his bff as a smol boy (who was also a smol boy) and also has crushed on girls from afar (and tbh probably kinda crushes on Minnie a bit because she’s so pretty and kind to him). He never really questioned it and so its a nonissue for him. He would like to have a romantic life one day but kinda thinks its impossible like who would like him he’s CRAZY. He can’t even sleep a whole night thru let alone with another person in the bed.

Past relationships: As a boy, he had a crush on his bff at the time--Nate. Nate’s family moved away following one of Swynlake’s disasters bc they weren’t gonna fuck with that shit.

A social person? (popular, loner, some close friends, makes friends and then quickly drops them): Charlie is not afraid to strike up conversation and sort of accepts his reputation as a Crazy Person so that helps deal with any social anxiety (he’s too busy with his generalized anxiety thanks hahahah.) He has a few people in his classes who are willing to work with him on projects and stuff, a few internet friends-- but otherwise he considers a lot of the patients at the hospital his friends… problematic charlie ur friends r gonna die

Most comfortable around (person): His...cat? SECRETS Life goals: Charlie has always wanted to be a doctor. He wants to be able to respond to medical emergencies like the ones that he’s seen, so he’s thinking of trauma surgery but is open to other paths (he’s also pretty interested in neuro because of his own disorder; he also loves kids, so pediatrics). Just as long as he can help people.   Dreams: it would be nice to have a normal one whats that like   Greatest fears: Death, dying, disaster. And that he’ll be helpless in the face of all that and can’t save the ones that he loves. Also that he’s gonna be a lowkey embarrassment to his father for the rest of his life. Most ashamed of: His night terrors and the fact that he drove his mom away (he didn’t). Compulsions: Snacking. He snacks a lot during the night and when he watches tv. Obsessions: Watching the Golden Girls a lot, also the impending apocalypse which he had been prepping for since he was small.   Secret hobbies: ...being a prepper…. Is that a hobby…astronomy also thats more normal !! Secret skills:... prepping… Crimes committed (and was he/she caught? charged?): none thank god What he/she most wants to change about his/her current life: Find a cure for his illness/curse What he/she most wants to change about his/her physical appearance: Charlie would really like to be TALL. His dad is very tall and he got none of those genes and he feels like a pipsqueak and kind of helpless and he sort of is. So number one: TALL. Then he’d like to not have glasses and one day wants to get laser eye surgery to correct his vision, especially if he wants to be a surgeon.

DETAILS/QUIRKS Night owl or early bird?: Night Owl bc he’s terrified of sleeping. Light or heavy sleeper?: heavy sleeper. When he is sleeping, nothing can wake up but like, his dreams or his father shaking and yelling at him. He sleeps like he’s dead lmao Favorite food: Spicy food is his fave. Loves sushi, also loves chips and potato crisps and snack foods in general. When he’s too tired to cook, he’ll just eat an entire bag of crisps.   Least favorite food: Charlie isn’t a fan of a lot of red meats, like burgers and stuff. Favorite book: uhhhh mmmmm charlie isnt a big reader, he’s usually watching television. If he’s reading, he’s reading medical cases and articles.   Least favorite book:  horror story books Favorite movie: old musicals, honestly-- Hello Dolly, Pajama Game, that kind of thing. Very soothing. Probably LOVES It’s A Wonderful Life. Least favorite movie: horror movies leave him alone Favorite song: gosh idk Least favorite song: idk eIETHER probably does not metal Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: crunchy Lefty or righty?: leftY Favorite color: green or brown Cusser?: er, a bit, normal youngin. He doesn’t curse in front of adults though he’s pretty good about that. Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: Charlie has had a few drinks here and there a social drinker if anything. Though he does wonder if drinking a lot could squash the dreams though this is a bad path for him to wander down. He has also thought the same about #drugs but is kind of a wimp and so he hasn’t tried any...yet Biggest regret: Charlie feels like he was a big part of the wedge that drove his mother to divorce his father because they had diff ways of dealing with charlie’s condition aka-- his mother wanted to deal with it and his father didn’t. This isnt really true, just another thing the two disagreed on. Pets?: A cat that his mom left behind! She’s old and fat and grey and her name is Emily

[imamessandwhatelseisnew]

Really stupid things bother me when they really shouldn't

My “friend” group in high school had this one girl who I was friends with but we were never close (let’s call her x). I’d really only see her around when we were hanging out with mutual friends. So in grade 11 she had this huge birthday bash and invited everyone from our circle but me. At the time it hurt my feelings and my friends then were like…yo where were u at the party?? And I’m like?? I wasn’t fckn invited so stop asking questions?? After her party weekend, i see her and she asks me how my weekend was and she was like “omg mine was so fun and busy”. At this point I was like okay ho cool I gtg. I know this all sounds like wack high school drama but I was at a point where I thought I had my good group of friends but I was wrong. Idk i was young and naive and I felt really shitty?? So anyways fast forward a few months I made a twitter account and this was when I was in my one direction phase lmao. The account was doing pretty good bc I thought I was such a jokester. I didn’t want people from school to follow this account so only told my close friends about this account. Somehow X found my account and she would mention in class how crazy I was on twitter but so quiet in class and shit which caused me to block her. Come grade 12 I didn’t have a lot of friends and most of them had this new circle with X. Prom and graduation was really shitty. X invited me to one pre grad party but I couldn’t go because I was meeting my grandparents after like three years. I think she was bitter about that. We never confronted each other about anything and our interactions was very passive aggressive when we were hanging out with mutual friends. I think what hurt me the most was that I lost someone who I considered my best friend who ended up being very close with x. I still want to know where I went wrong, what my fault was in all of this (besides blocking her on twitter which I thought was fair because she would have talked more shit about my fan account). And btw all i would tweet from that account was about 1D. It was a phase lmaooo. Come university she ended up going to a uni in another continent but we still followed each other on social networks. I thought we put the past behind us because we would like each other’s pics and talk/comment normally. I would like her pics even when she was hanging with my old friends lmao. So very recently (legit this is 4 YEARS LATER) she has specifically unfollowed me on every single social media platform (I wouldn’t have noticed but I was looking at my last ig post to see if this guy im digging had liked it lmao, and saw that I wasn’t following her and I was blocked). I’m so surprised that she is still bitter about what happened. I haven’t talked about her or talked to her in a negative way so like??? Idk why I’ve been thinking about this all day it’s so dumb ugh. I love my uni friends and literally only still talk to only 2/3 people from high school. But why does this whole thing (SO DUMB THAT IM EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT) bother me?? I also want to know why my so called close friends ended up being so distant from me at the end of high school?? Maybe I did do something wrong that I’m unaware of?? As far as I know I never had intensions of hurting anyone. Damn I want closure in all of this.

It’s been a while since i thought about fckn high school but just thinking about it gives me anxiety.

Ok that’s enough of my thoughts 💭