#and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end

[arcane-vagabond]

.

[amazinglyashy]

HI I LOVE ur lads headcanons ‼️ idk if u do angst but im feeling some angsty/hurt/comfort........... can i pls request the lads men's reaction to the reader rejecting their confession bc we think they deserve better...... someone who doesn't have a heart condition (like the mc) or something........

Oh my gosh, thank you so much!! And oh man, I love angst and hurt/comfort, as long as I get to give it a tiny bit of hope/a happy ending! I felt this one though, I've thought about it before with my own MC…….. a few dozen times- Hope you enjoy, and thank you for the request! <3

Love and Deepspace Li’s reactions to you rejecting their confession due to feelings of inadequacy

Rafayel -

Rafayel is… surprised, to say the least.

Not only do you not have any memory of him or the things you did together- the things you did to him- but you also are straight up turning him down when he finally realized that he needs to confess to you all over again.

He's pretty upset.

It'll definitely turn into an argument, and you know he's hurt. Damn, you're hurt too, just having to turn him down. He makes you feel something, like you're special. Like you're everything to him. Like you're not…

Broken.

And it'll come out eventually. Maybe not blatantly so, but in small ways, your feelings of inadequacy will start to leak through the cracks that are forming in your resolve as you try to refuse a man who has already been refused his love by fate and prophecy for far too long.

And somehow, that makes it so much worse. Because he can fight fate, he can go against the currents of time and the ever evolving cruelty of human nature. But he can't do anything about the feelings raging inside your own head.

He's sure going to try though.

Angrily but calmly, he will start firing off things he has done for you, just because he's loved you so much, throughout all of your time together and even before. He doesn't know if it'll make it worse, make you feel like he already does too much for whatever it is you see yourself as, but he's going to do it anyway. And slowly, it'll start forming into the things you two do together- the things you've done for him when he needs you.

And you're going to be there a while, because until you start to realize, until he starts to chip away at that dark feeling in the deepest reaches of your mind and heart, he's not going to let up.

Not now, not ever.

Sylus -

He's a bit taken aback, but he's not particularly surprised. He had seen this coming, mentally prepared himself for it, even. He knew after his treatment of you when the two of you had just met again for the first time, that any sort of official relationship between you two would be tricky to get to. Especially putting an actual label on it.

He'll be a lot more surprised when he reads between the lines at your words, and realizes it's not because you're still scared of him, but because you don't think you're good enough for him.

"You can't be serious, sweetie."

He's not going to force you to accept his confession, but regardless of how timid or aggressive you become, whether you escalate it vocally or try to exit the conversation, he's not arguing with you. He pretty much refuses to, as he instead begins to state snarky facts as he crosses his arms, watching your reactions as he does.

"When you patched my wounds a month ago, was I not deserving of your hands caring for me because they were shaky and belonging to you? How about that girl you muttered about that we saw at the café who was mad at her boyfriend to the point of shouting, when he didn't get her the right cake she wanted? Are you saying you're worse than her? Helping me on jobs simply because you want to exist near me is… not good enough for me?"

"Sylus, that's not what I'm saying-"

"Oh don't worry sweetie. I know exactly what it is you're saying. I just know it's a particularly misinformed, self loathing thought for you to be having. Don't you think it's insulting for you to decide who I give my love to? After every calculated decision you have witnessed me make?"

He'll finally soften, reaching out a hand to gently rest on the side of your neck, his thumb brushing against your cheek in a gentle back and forth.

"You don't need to be concerning yourself with what I deserve in a partner. You should have faith in my opinions, if not for yourself, but for your confidence in me, sweetie. After that, the rest is up to what you truly want in your heart."

Zayne -

His reaction is definitely the most reserved initially, especially until he realizes why exactly you're turning him down.

He definitely has the passing thought that maybe you're just misunderstanding him again, just like back with the snow seals when the two of you were still kids.

When he realizes that's not the case, and instead, it's your own internalized feelings, he's first a bit relieved, and secondly- pretty perturbed.

"It's interesting to know that's your perspective, given how much you enjoy those fictional stories with ironic pairings. I would think that it would be the most romantic thing for a heart patient to be in a relationship with a cardiac surgeon.

His biting but well-meaning quips aside, he's not quite sure how to break it to you that he used to be in a similar boat, and still is to some capacity. Which is partly why he's a bit upset to understand your perspective.

He's genuinely surprised you haven't processed the timeline of the two of you and your lives. Your accident that caused the state of your heart, his leaving to study medicine and become a specialist in cardiology and a renowned cardiac surgeon- are you not able to see that it's not an inadequacy for him, but his own lack of knowledge when you first started having issues made himself feel inadequate? Why he left without a word for years in the first place?

And not just that- it also applies to other fields too. He has no issues helping you where you need him, because he knows the extent of your capabilities, much like he knows his own. And he will spend forever if he needs to, to show you that loving is not about who does more. It's about doing what your partner needs, no matter how much or how little that is, and loving each other through every hard moment.

And you're about to hear every ounce of his convincing, opinions, and own feelings, until you start to see. Until you finally see.

Xavier -

Unless you tell it to him straight, he's not going to know why you rejected him. He'll be hurt, but he'll accept your rejection graciously and politely, before trying to figure out just how to get you to accept it.

There's an increase in claw machine dates, movie night invitations, and how much he helps you with missions or even just around your apartment. Eventually, you process the weird behavior and you're all but forced to confront him on really truly why you rejected him.

It's Xavier, so you try to play it off as a lighthearted situation or a joke, but you can see his expression darkening, and you're not sure if it's because of him being upset at your words, or realizing just how much time he has sunk into you with how... broken of a person you are.

Turns out, it's the former!

It's hard to not realize such, as he's pulling you into the tightest hug he's probably ever grabbed you into.

For a while, it's just you and him standing there, with him squeezing you tightly and you not knowing what to do with your hands or the lump rising in the back of your throat. He doesn't really know what to say, but he does know he needs to say something.

"I'll definitely make you see that you're more than enough for me."

"Xavier- that's not how this work-"

"I know, and I don't care. I- I need you to know that you're everything to me. You're not inadequate, or broken, or anything you've been telling yourself. You're more than enough. You're more than everything to me. And I'm not going anywhere until you finally understand that."

[heavenlymorals]

Do you have any tips for how to write Arthur Morgan’s personality in general? I’m trying to write a fic but I feel like no matter what I do it somehow just makes him feel out of character haha. It’s probably since I’m writing one with a reader/oc character x Arthur. Like I don’t want to remove Mary from the story because she shaped so much of his character’s pain (since in my opinion I assume that Arthur probably got Eliza with child from a one night stand trying to bounce back after Mary had told him that she was engaged to some other man). But I also don’t know how to really write Arthur as he’s completely over Mary and how he is instead with someone he considers the love of his life, cheesy I know but I had too haha. I’m also trying to somewhat do a slow burn and trying to instead have Arthur seemingly brood over his love for the reader rather than how he did with Mary in the game.

I don’t know if this makes sense and feel free to ignore it LOL

Ahah here goes nothing- my consensus on a general understanding of Arthur Morgan-

I think the biggest thing that people should focus on when writing Arthur is his personality differences between men and women. There is a pretty clear divide between how behaves with men compared to how he behaves with women. It can change slightly between how close he is with the people, but it's pretty much the same.

With women, Arthur is very respectful and chivalrous. He even gets mad at other men if they don't behave accordingly. He is more interested in them as well in the sense that he'll listen to their dreams and hobbies and either add to the conversation or encourage them in some way that seems more meaningful, even if it can be at times superficial, just a way to be polite. However, he is no push over. You know that meme that's like "Me and my girl don't argue, she tells me to shut the fuck up and I do"? Yeah, that is NOT Arthur. He can raise his voice, call them out, etc etc. when he feels disrespected in some way or if the person is doing something stupid. We see this with Mary, Sadie, and Abigail. He is also more likely to talk about his emotions with women, but not really BE emotional. Idk if that makes sense, but I don't know how else to say it.

However, Arthur is more inclined to be disrespectful to women who don't fit into his view of life and the status quo of the time (ie. Prostitutes, masculine women, etc.)

Honestly, just think of that when writing him with your oc (I'm going to assume they're a woman 😭). Is Mary a big part of Arthur's character? Yes and no. He can obviously make time for her, but she isn't controlling his every action and thought process. His main focus is the collective of the gang and once the gang is safe, that's when he'll actively start looking for love because that's when he'll have the time and energy for it.

Now with men, Arthur is much more rough. He is very much a suck it up kinda guy with other dudes. There is clearly a hierarchy in the game and he enforces it, especially with the men underneath him. He forces them to work, doesn't take their excuses really, will call them out, will be mean, and will even make threats (ie. Sean). He likes men who are hard workers and are always on the go (Lenny) and is more likely to be jovial, open, and willing to talk. He also will take NO shit from other men and that will either leave the other man read to filth or a black eye. Arthur also does not disclose feelings of fear or inadequacy to other men, but he will show more active emotions like joy or anger.

Honestly, whenever I feel like writing Arthur, I just think of the average older American outdoorsman and it helps me out pretty well. Chivalrous and respectful with expectations and a no bullshit attitude.

Hope this helps and happy writing 🫶🏼

[and-her-saints]

Hey sorry idk if you'd know this but I quite literally don't know where to turn about this so I'm sending this ask to every queer+catholic blog I can find

Are there *any* resources out there for queer/trans Catholics that go beyond affirmation and show how to pursue a religious life that goes beyond the laity (e.g. priesthood, joining a convent/monastery, something similar) without having to brush your queerness aside. I feel like if I don't find something soon I might go insane

years ago, i attended a Zoom event with Fr. James Alison as a keynote speaker, and something he said has been glued to my brain ever since. he said it in Spanish, so i'll try to remember, paraphrase and translate: "while they try to get us to stop being queer, what we must try to do is to be better queers."

i love what you said about "beyond affirmation" and that is precisely why i got reminded of the quote and WHY this quote resonated with me to begin with.

imho, there is a fundamental issue with a lot of queer theology and it's that it doesn't go beyond apologetics. it's not pragmatic nor does it seem to engage critically with the material conditions that work with or against queerness. and it's truly such a shame, because living "religiously" to me, as a queer catholic, it's infinitely more a matter of coherence, love, devotion and solidarity, than learning how to "reconcile" gayness/transness with the Bible.

it's a journey, of course. the apologetics were and are necessary for many of us to unlearn the hatred that might've been instilled in us through religious education and upbringing. however, here are some resources that, in my opinion, show how to pursue queer-religious-life.

💌 catholic/christian resources:

[book] The Reckless Way of Love: Notes on Following Jesus by Dorothy Day. Unlike larger collections and biographies, which cover her radical views, exceptional deeds, and amazing life story, this book focuses on a more personal dimension of her life: Where did she receive strength to stay true to her God-given calling despite her own doubts and inadequacies and the demands of an activist life? What was the unquenchable wellspring of her deep faith and her love for humanity?

[book & account] Black Liturgies: Prayers, Poems, and Meditations for Staying Human by Cole Arthur Riley. Black Liturgies is a digital project that connects spiritual practice with Black emotion, Black memory, and the Black body. In this book, she brings together hundreds of new prayers, along with letters, poems, meditation questions, breath practices, scriptures, and the writings of Black literary ancestors to offer forty-three liturgies that can be practiced individually or as a community.

[book] Cry of the Earth, Cry of the Poor by Leonardo Boff. Focusing on the threated Amazon of his native Brazil, Boff traces the economic and metaphysical ties that bind the fate of the rain forests with the fate of the indigenous peoples and the poor of the land. He shows how liberation theology must join with ecology in reclaiming the dignity of the earth and our sense of a common community, part of God's creation. To illustrate the possibilities, Boff turns to resources in Christian spirituality both ancient and modern, from the vision of St. Francis of Assisi to cosmic christology.

[book] Undoing Theology: Life Stories from Non-normative Christians by Chris Greenough. The fundamental issue with ‘queer’ research is it cannot exist in any definable form, as the purpose of queer is to disrupt and disturb. Undoing Doing generates a process of ‘undoing’ as central to queer research enquiries. Aiming to engage in a process which breaks free from traditional academic norms, the text explores three life stories

[podcast] The Magnificast. "A weekly podcast about Christianity and leftist politics. The Magnificast is hosted by Dean Dettloff and Matt Bernico. Each week's episode focuses on a unique or under-realized aspect of territory between Christianity and politics that no one taught you about in sunday school."

💌 non-christian but still excellent resources:

[book] Hijab Butch Blues by Lamya H. A memoir by a butch hijabi that follows the experiences of the author through stories and figures from the Qur'an.

[book] Lean on Me: A Politics of Radical Care by Lynne Segal. Questions of care, intimacy, education, meaningful work, and social engagement lie at the core of our ability to understand the world and its possibilities for human flourishing. In Lean On Me feminist thinker Lynne Segal goes in search of hope in her own life and in the world around her. She finds it entwined in our intimate commitments to each other and our shared collective endeavours.

i don't think these are precisely what you were looking for. but i hope these resources bring you as much peace and hope as they have brought me.

[kira-fluff]

haikyuu!! neurodivergent headcanons 💕

tw: several listed mental illnesses, some of these are solely off of vibes but most of them I have reasons lol note! I do not believe autism is a mental illness or something that is "wrong" with an individual, hence why the title is "neurodivergent" rather than "mental illness". just had to put that out there! to all my neurodivergent babies I love you! a/n: hello! as a neurodivergent like myself (depression, anxiety, ptsd, bulimia, etc etc) i thought it would be really cool to do an analysis on one of my biggest hobbies (psychological illnesses) and relate them to haikyuu characters! some of them have a deeper explanation because I feel so strongly about it.

attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADD/ADHD) BOKUTO, hinata, NISHINOYA, atsumu, lev

generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) sugawara, OIKAWA, asahi, yamaguchi, yachi, aone, akaashi, tendo

social anxiety disorder (SAD) asahi, KENMA

post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) oikawa

depression (MDD) oikawa, KENMA, kuroo, suna, matsukawa, tendo

autism sakusa, USHIJIMA, kageyama, kyotani, kenma

eating disorder(s) (AND, BND, BED) OIKAWA, KENMA

obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) oikawa

borderline personality disorder (BPD) daishou

insomnia kuroo, kenma, osamu

hypersomnia suna

analysis under the cut

it's pretty obvious that bokuto struggles the most to self-regulate, even to others, but I personally believe that oikawa struggles the most with his mental health.

like almost everyone in haikyuu, oikawa is obsessed with volleyball, but he takes it to a point of overexertion and taking his anger and frustration at his own inadequacies out on others.

I really think oikawa's relationship between he and kageyama and he and ushijima are the ones that show how bad his anxiety is

ushijima and kageyama both don't understand the emotions oikawa is feeling which could be written off as them not understanding their talents, but I think it's something more

to me, I feel it is blatantly obvious that ushijima is autistic. he just so frequently seems to be unable to read the emotions of others or takes things literally when it's something else intended. I'm not autistic, though, so autistic community, let me know your thoughts!

bokuto and hinata both have an insane amount of energy, but struggle to be successful in school. sports works for both of them because their focus is constantly needed to be diverted or "all over the place" that it helps them be great players

kuroo is one of those other characters that I feel like I'm reaching to say he has mental health struggles but to me it just comes off in vibes. first of all, any kid with divorced parents should be in therapy so I feel there's definitely some struggles there.

I think kuroo is the type that hides his struggles and pretends they aren't happening. he puts a lot of pressure on himself to be the best at everything he does, and so he feels he doesn't have time to deal with the emotions that leave him feeling empty

kenma was someone I immediately felt was autistic. he has so many key factors like an obsession/hyperfocus on his hobbies and trouble socializing (social anxiety).

kenma has some of the strongest evidence toward my beliefs, specifically in this quote: "I'm not good with people, and I don't want to interact with them. and yet, I'm very concerned about what others think of me." like, tell me that doesn't radiate autistic/SAD vibes!!!!

idk what it is, like inadequacies or what but I genuinely believe oikawa has some kind of trauma. like he's definitely carrying something that so heavily effected him that it controls the choices he makes in life

I don't have much evidence that suna has depression, it's just a vibe because of his mannerisms and what he says. I think it's the kind where it's well-managed, but it shows up in physical symptoms like apathy more than anything.

atsumu gives ADHD vibes solely because of like how all over the place he is and how he can't always seem to properly get out what he's trying to say lol

sakusa is one that to me could be seen as "done with your bullshit" but I think he also hates crowds (like me, I mean who doesn't) and struggles socially probably because of anxiety or autism. not sure!

basing daishou off of vibes, too, because if I'm being honest all I've seen in the show is him having hostile relationships or being on-off with them, though its certain I could be reading too much into it, but that's the fun of headcanons.

do you agree with what I wrote? I would love to hear your thoughts!

[fanaticmorelikefantastic]

Emergency HCs for Octobie Week Three :D

Hcs for @the-kr8tor s Octobie event!

Also, last times, I forgot to credit @the-shroom-garden for the banners, so sorry :(

It was becoming EXTREMELY apparent that I would be unable to finish a whole chapter in time and I am already a week late, so this is about how r and hobie in the verse I made for this event start dating, relationship dynamics etc. It's like a candy salad

I have this really big idea where the day they started dating was the one year anniversary of r and him living together

Idk if it's weird or not, but I was thinking like, she's going to her first ever riot (bc it's their anniversary, yk, that's what people do on their anniversary)

And r gets to throw a molotov for the first time :D

I feel like she was like, uncannily excited about it

Like, she had been practicing for weeks

So she chucks it and it lands straight in the unidentified and corrupt governmental official's window, blows it up

So r screams like a little girl who got a pony for her birthday, she turns and jumps onto hobie, then tugs him down and gives him a big fat kiss

and he kisses back :0

And she doesn't even notice for a while afterward she's just standing there all smiling like :]

And like, the moment she realizes it, the cops pull up and they have to split

so they're like, running from the cops while trying to figure out their relationship like, "Stop right there!! D:<" "So, are we dating, or did you..."

And it's funny, it's a tale for the ages

I am a firm believer of Hobie calling r lovie

I am also 100% biased

I feel like r wouldn't have a concrete pet name for hobie, and instead she just makes up a ton of new ones all the time

one that she's currently fond of it literally just Hobart, but with an extra emphasis on the "-bart"

I feel like he asks her every morning what today's nickname is

like it's a part of the morning weather

"Today is cloudy with a chance of being called Hobby-Lobby"

R TEACHES HOBIE HOW TO WALTZ

This is canon now, I have just decided

and I feel like hobie usually hates dacing, but he learns it because he loves dancing with HERRRRR

And they toally just waltz to everything now

like heavy metal? alt rock?

sounds like something that should be waltzed to

I want to make a separate fic for when he tells r he's spiderman, but we'll see if I actually end up doing it, or if my bones return to the ether before I'm able to.

I think she would be surprised, upset, happy, and sad all at once

A very big mix of emotions because everything is kind of coming full circle and it all finally makes sense

but also sad because he's out there all the time, working his but off for his ideals and saving people and r is just kind of here (as in she feels guilty that she wasn't able to help him because of an internalized feeling of inadequacy)

After she finds out, she sews up his suit and stuff for him, does the best she can to support him while he's away and stuff

[athenasplan]

Yeah honestly it’s really hard to guess what Sam means with “If we ever get future seasons we have plans to honor that moment in a different way” bc on one hand Scanlan’s goodbye speech still had his lingering self doubt/inadequacies like him specifying stuff like “We really REALLY shouldn’t have succeeded” and “For the first time in my life I matter” and he’s still the only character the show has done no childhood/family backstory for but on the other hand how would that stuff even play in with him now having left on this journey of self improvement? Maybe Pike confronts him about the “Now I have a real family” line which leads to conflict?

Either way here’s the article, and it really frames it like the sole reason for changing his big moment was the uncertainty of season 4, hence them still giving it buildup despite the lack of payoff which is… frustrating. https://www.pastemagazine.com/tv/amazon-prime-video/the-legend-of-vox-machina-season-3-finale-interview-spoilers-ending-explained

Thank you for linking the article!! This part explains a lot about the decisions they made.

And as you said, the self doubt and uncertainty surely were in the speech, but idk if these few sentences could really be ground for a massive fight? It would make sense that Pike felt hurt by his "real family" comment, but still it seems to me that making him leave again would be redundant, and I'm fairly sure they want to avoid that (they even said in the article that the reason Percy was dead for a longer time this season was because they didn't want to just repeat what happened with Vex in season 2)

Also the fact that Sam said that they will "honor the moment in a different way" makes me think it could be a COMPLETELY different scenario.

Like maybe the lament is not even directed towards Vox Machina, maybe it's some other person from Scanlan's past that he realizes knows nothing about him?

I really don't know. But I do have the feeling (and hope) that season 4 will be a bit more Scanlan centric

[fisheito]

fisheito sama one of the things i love about your art is the way you simplify forms and designs — something i struggle a lot to do so i try to learn with your art to focus more in the full picture than the tiny details that make me go nowhere because i get so lost ar the middle- anyways- if you were a youkai master i would love to be your pupil. your yakumo art makes me see sparkles. youre so cool. i will work hard to be as cool as you are. i would be more than happy to call you my master. my master in the art of making nu carnival art. thank you master 🙇‍♂️

who the heck in my inbox callin me -sama?!?!!?? maybe i am -senpai on my strongest most radiant day. MAYBE.

but yes i feel your sentiment and am very pleased to see you having fun with *gestures vaguely* whatever it is i'm doing here

reading this reminds me of my own struggle with drawing details... long thoughts ahead😦💭💭

every time i draw that angy dissatisfied voice From Within is shaaaaaaaming me going, "this is nuca. you know the art, RIGHT? you've seen the intricacies of the designs. part of its beauty is in its details. if you don't honour that, then how can you REALLY stay true to its spirit????"

and yes the art is HELLA cool and i really like it and it's got insane details that make things even more fun for the analysts in the crowd

even more impressive is the FANART because whOO seeing all these artists matching the skill of the source material?! hobbyists or whatevs drawin these fantastical gayboys in elaborate outfits and poses and everything you could dream of and more?? the anatomy! the colours! the careful attention to EVERYTHING! the hair strands and?? ALL FOR FREE? they are letting me see this for FREE ?????

so i can't help but feel a little inadequacy when i try to pull off the same thing

occasionally i'll try to draw.. idk. something similar to those magneefeecent elaborate fanarts,, or just as detailed as the original game art. ya know, the anime aesthetic really baked in there, but mixed with technical prowess!

i'll draw a pose. i'll try to draw several sections of hair according to actual gravity rules. i'll really focus on what they're wearing, and try to add the details of the shirt and-- oops, i forgot the 12-pointed necklace thing-- just put that in.. oh, shieb,it's connecte d to some sort of cascading sash -=um-- how is that fabric supposed to fold again? better look it up;; WAIT it's not actually fabric? it's ... A BUNCH OF TINY BEADS? what material are they. are they translucent? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REP{LIICATE THAT. p..pointillism? but then i...

[SEVERAL HOURS LATER. FAR MORE HOURS THAN I WOULD USUALLY SPEND] > me, not even finished the torso, slumped on the floor in defeat because every gem on the necklace looks too flat and i've forgotten the original intent of the drawing

sometimes, days later, i'll compare these attempts with my other drawings done in less time (the ones where i don't think too hard and don't bother with the details). and i'll find that i enjoy the simpler result anyway. ya think with all the EFFORT i put into the detailed one... wouldn't i jump thru mental hoops to justify my invested time? shouldn't i think, "oh yeah, i REALLY worked on this. it's not the best but i'm still happy with it. the time was worth it."

.NO???! I end up thinking, "that time was NOT worth it. i feel more fulfillment and joy from the simpler drawing. if i can accomplish that with less effort, why would i bother with the extra stuff?"

i'm no workaholic. lower-effort doesn't necessarily mean bad,..... right? just.. incorporating all those jingly bits and WOWEE TEXTURE WITH THE BEAUTIFUL AMBIENT LIGHTING AND COLOURSs takes a LOT outta me. then, am i willing to put in the extra effort to really improve those areas and make em as nice as those top tier taiwanese artists on THAT section of birdsite?!?! ...... not realy.... it's not... worth it. for me at least.. i'd rather focus on facial expressions . and silly interactions.

(yes of course there are ppl who can do the silly AND the technical moodlighting extreme magnifico detailtastic everything else. MAD RESPECT!!! TO THEM!! FOR WORKING UP TO THAT!!!! but my goal is not so ambitious. i am but here for a laugh...)

so maybe i'm not the best knight for the job, if the job is Dick Fight Island-tier anatomy and environments (seriously if you haven't read that manga , you should. it is wild and truly respectable)!

but for MOI? wittle floppy ME? if i don't draw what i like, i won't have the energy to complete anything. You want me to put that extreme improvement-journey-effort into every drawing?

.Do y'all want aborted torso sketches with 62% of a necklace??? cuz that's how u get aborted torso sketches with 61% of a necklace.

anyway, if i helped you realise that maaaaaaybe you don't wanna focus on certain things in yo art ? and you'd rather put ur energy into an aspect u care about more? sounds good! i hope it leads u to increased-enjoy Creating 😎

[shroudedwoods]

I really want to hear someone ramble about music and characters, and this is the second time I’ve seen those songs being used to describe Scourge so please explain away.

if you want of course.

OKAY OKAY GIRL ANACHRONISM MOSTLY FEELS LIKE PRISON SCOURGE

everytime i listen to the song i imagine an animatic so ill do my best to explain why I associate the song with Scourge.BUT ITS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO EXPLAIN THINGS LIKE THESE so forgive me if it doesn’t make sense

From the scars on my arms And the cracks in my hips And the dents in my car And the blisters on my lips That I'm not the carefullest of girls

Scars on his arms and blisters on his lips cause he’s always fighting AND being tossed around like basketball (He was used as a basketball in one panel) so I always think he had some small lasting scars on his body or something

And the strings that're breaking And I keep on breaking more And it looks like I am shaking But it's just the temperature

Okay FIRST TWO LINES, I like to take it as a metaphor for losing control. Scourge lost control over his life and KEEPS losing control in prison, OR it could be a metaphor for losing sanity. As Scourge was seen being super paranoid at one point, maybe everything he’s going through is slowly chipping at his sanity.

last two lines, shaky hands due to anxiety but also because he’s cold at night since he doesn’t have a mattress or a pillow or a blanket

If it were any colder I could disengage If I were any older I could act my age But I don't think that you'd believe me

It's not the way I'm meant to be It's just the way The operation made me

“I could act my age..” GUYS HE’S 17!! He did all he did when he was 17! Barely 17 too. “The way the operation made me.” IT’S THE NARRATIVE! HE’S TALKING ABOUT THE NARRATIVE! HE WOULDN’T BECOME WHO HE WAS IF HE WASN’T SHOVED INTO THE VILLAIN SHAPED COOKIE CUTTER THAT THE UNIVERSE WANTED TO MOLD HIM INTO! He accepted and embraced his role as Anti Sonic which is WHY HE’S SUCH A DICK! HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A SONIC! BUT THAT’S WHAT FLOWING

And you can tell From the state of my room That they let me out too soon And the pills that I ate Came a couple years too late And I've got some issues to work through

State of his room AS IN solitary confinement. They DEFINITELY tossed his ass in SC multiple times in the first week, BELIEVE ME. And he’d go crazy over no chaos energy, no movement, no running, no form of communication, just him, himself, and the darkness of his thoughts and his past regrets IT WOULD EAT HIM ALIVE

also he has ALOT of issues to work through Imposter syndrome, Superiority complex, parental issues, possible feelings of inadequacy. Which is probably why he never went to therapy with Zouge. He doesn’t want to open up and admit he has problems with people he doesn’t know

There I go again Pretending to be you Make believing That I have a soul beneath the surface

“Pretending to be you.” HE’S TALKING ABOUT SONIC!! Like? Like?? “I’m sonic at his fullest potential.” IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT BUT THIS IS LITERALLY HIM!!

I was taken out Before the labor pains set in and now Behold the world's worst accident I am the girl anachronism

Literally him went he went green! He was taken out before he turned super AND so behold the world’s worst accident: scourge. He was never meant to be green, he just jumped off the road of the narrative with that little escape

And you can tell By the red in my eyes And the bruises on my thighs And the knots in my hair And the bathtub full of flies That I'm not right now at all

Red eyes due to insomnia, bruises because of fights, knots in his quills because of lack of self care…

There I go again Pretending that I'll fall Don't call the doctors 'Cause they've seen it all before They'll say just

Let her crash And burn She'll learn The attention just encourages her

“Don’t call the doctors!” THATS HIM! NO BODY CALLS THE GUARDS WHEN HE’S BEING BEATEN SHITLESS! BECAUSE ZOBOTNIK DOESN’T WANT THEM TO!!!!1! “Let her crash and burn she’ll learn. The attentoin just encourages her.” DO YOU SEE MY VISUON

And you can tell From the smoke at the stake That the current state is critical Well it is the little things, for instance

In the time it takes to break it She can make up ten excuses Please excuse her for the day It's just the way the medication makes her

First part is probably Moebius after Scourge disappeared? Did it fall into anarchy? Did Alicia Acorn or the supression squad take control?

I genuinely don’t know how to explain the last line but its him its him its so him AUGGHHHHHHH

[driftingmoonmenace]

Tw vent

I'm still gonna take my break but I guess I just wanna get my thoughts out. I'll probably delete this later.

I guess I'm starting to think or realize that I'm severely burnt out or stressed out because of the pressures of social media and being 'present' in the fandom. My creativity over time has tanked and getting motivated to work on my AUs or draw or write is like non-existent. I have other stressors going on irl rn too, but I've just noticed over time the amount of frequent breaks I have to take from social media anymore because of my mental health.

It's not to say I dislike creating fandom stuff or anything. I still love Sun and Moon dearly, even tho my hyperfixation is nowhere near where it once was! I still enjoy seeing what people create! I still enjoy creating things for the fandom!

I guess I just can't help falling into the habit of feeling like I need to be more active, more social, worry over whats the best time to post stuff, compare myself to others, stress over posting sketches instead of full finished pieces. Writing and feeling so embarrassed over what I write. I know it's no one's fault but my own. I shouldn't stress over things like that and create for myself instead of others. I just live off validation at this point from years of drawing for others or money. I rarely draw for myself anymore. Validation makes me want to keep creating.

I stress over my 'inadequacies' of being a slow artist with no spoons and little to no motivation most days or leaving people on read and not replying because socializing stresses me out even though I enjoy it. Saying I'll do things and then backing out of them, showing how unreliable I am over and over again.

Idk fandom is just such a double edged sword to me and is something I very much enjoy and want to participate in, but also i get so overwhelmed with the pressure and expectations I put on myself. Fandom has changed so much over the past few decades and i feel like by not posting im becoming 'irrelevant' within the fast paced hellscape its become. It's frustrating.

[toxicanonymity]

Do you ever struggle with feelings of discouragement or inadequacy if your fics don’t do as well as you had hoped?

I’m struggling with that myself. I try not to get so hung up on it but it’s very hard, especially when something I’m so proud of doesn’t do as well as my other works.

I don’t even feel motivated to write bc I don’t wanna set myself up for disappointment

Discouragement, sure, I think that's natural sometimes. But I really don't feel like stats have anything to do with adequacy. Baring my soul, yuck. But fuck it we ball. Sorry it's a long answer.

I don't think I've ever answered a serious ask aside from the time i created Dr. rock which hardly counts but I've seen a lot of people struggling with this lately and hope this might be idk comforting to a person or two without leading to debate/discourse.

You mentioned something you're proud of isn't doing as well as your other works, and I can see how that would be disappointing. For laughs, I'll compare 2 of mine. These fics are impossible to compare (as are most, I think) but I def understand the urge to measure yourself against what you see as the potential. Aches: <1k popular trope I banged out in no time, wasn't sure about it, literally thought "people don't have to like it" before I hit post. >4 notes per word. Left in Lincoln: >22k posted so far, challenging, writing it for months. Has possibly driven me crazy bc I had this passing thought the other day and not about TLOU. (I didn't feel like re-reading it all): "I should just rewatch the movie. . .wait." 🤡 The whole Lincoln series combined has fewer notes than Aches lmao. But it's far more rewarding in getting to see it come to life, quality of engagement, and stretching myself 😏. It's not for everyone, for various reasons. Surely would have better stats without the twist I went with. But at what cost??

-------

Often, if people don't read or like something, it's a reflection of their own interests, limitations, and assumptions. And the right "fit."

I don't rly read much in general, but specifically, I rarely read long stuff (if I do I prob scan a lot tbh). I normally only want, if any, just enough plot/premise to build sexual tension. I don't read fluff or angst. I don't have the attention span / commitment to get invested in original characters. I tend to avoid stuff similar to what I'm working on. I make assumptions - If there's no word count, maybe it's too long. I know a lot of the fics I skip for these reasons must be fantastic. Assumptions I experience - I've seen very popular fics in the wild that strike me as dark, creepy, or pervy but aren't tagged that way. So some things that are tagged dark, etc., including plenty of mine, might not be dark in the way people assume based on their own ideas, or based on what others do tag. Also some people think I only write dark when sometimes it's just horny (see master list).

I've sometimes found myself thinking "It sucks more people don't read this bc i bet they would enjoy it" (not just my own fics). It might sound egotistical but I think it's often true.

------

Of course I want engagement because that means more people reading something which can mean more interaction, discussion, learning what you liked, what you think, etc. that's what I love.

But notes aren't rly near the top of what I care about, even though it does feel great to get them and I truly appreciate every single one.

Night walks doesn't get nearly as many notes as some of my other stuff, especially these days, but it's fun to write and I like to feed his feral fans who only get more into him with time. Same with raider: among those who do read and engage, I sense rising enthusiasm, thirst, and rate of falling in love with him (my bad). That's all worth more than 1000 likes to me. I have a good time writing these guys, so I write them more than other ones that get way more notes 🤷. I'm not saying notes don't matter at all, I know they affect exposure and engagement. But if just did what gets notes, I don't think I'd have such high quality engagement bc I'd just bang out more stuff with the most popular tropes instead of our fave Joels and those destined to become our faves bc they offer something special.

My outlook was the same before I had so many followers btw. Rock Bottom (22k) was what I felt like writing, still more ambitious than anything I've done in the Halloween fandom. I was disappointed it got way less attention than my one shots, but I know it's a banger, just certainly not for everyone lol.

-

I'm sorry for what you're experiencing and feeling, but I think it's very common and hope you can reframe it to not feel inadequate. I especially hope it doesn't discourage you from writing. ❤️

[flameontheotherside]

Shadow Work 😑

Inner Demons. Fucking suck bruh 😒. What I understand from Erik talking in my ear, over my lifetime to this point I've let myself believe a lot of negative things about myself. I won't spell them out specifically because it's generally basically feelings of inadequacy, feeling crazy, low self-esteem, etc. You get it.

My inner critic seems to have a voice. I'm not as scared, I don't feel like I'm being attacked or in danger anymore, and I'm not like feeling any amount of anything. Just kind of a little annoyed about it? Now that I understand where the voice is from, I now have to practice positive affirmations for myself. It kinda feels daunting but I understand why I need to do it.

I just never realized until now how my traumas have affected me this way. All that negative self talk is pretty bad. So I need to find another therapist to talk about all of it. The negative inner voice kinda seems to be a man but sometimes sounds feminine. Erik sounds similar to my inner voice but not quite. Regardless he's never negative or hurts my feelings. My higher self, her voice is very very feminine. I hear both her and Erik talk about what I'm doing like now. They are discussing my blog and he's telling me now to take my time writing because I was thinking about finishing up my nighttime routine as fast as I could. I'm only given a few hours before it's time I should get some sleep because I have morning shift to take care of Ricky. *Sigh*

Anyway so the past month has been a lot to unpack. I was able to regress to a past life I think? I'm not sure about what I saw and heard. It was violent. That's all I know is it must have been the life we were abused by our father. 😬 Yikes...I mean it should have spooked me but it didn't (idk y). I saw some scenes and it was all like flashes of negatives from a roll of pictures. But it was more like a video. You know where bright colors were dark and dark colors appeared white. That's how I see things when in a trance.

I better go. Rick needs my help now.

😘💕 Hada

[deadboyfriendd]

hello flea. i hope ur well. i read the new letter of bisbee you released and idk why it made me cry so much. unlike steve, i do consider myself a woman of god, but my faith has evaded me for a while now, and i don't know why but i feel like a like steve does, though obvs i imagine i live a much more comfortable life than him and haven't had the opportunity to shed as much blood as he has. still, i think we all feel a bit like a kicked creature whose only good for biting, and you really got that snapshot in a couple of sentences that packs a lot of punch. i will definitely be re reading this one a lot. i'm sorry of i took too much focus away from your work onto my own feelings, i just wanted you to know that you're writing really touched me deep. so excited for bisbee <3. i think about this steve a lot.

HI

I'm stumbling out of my docs covered in blood to come answer this.

So, here's some flea lore below the cut:

I write about faith a lot, especially in these pieces because I struggle with God and religion very much. Religion was used as a punishment for me, and now I equate it with shame and that feeling of inadequacy. In a way, it made me grieve who I probably should have been or should have ended up. That maybe, maybe, if I hadn't gotten kicked out of school, my life wouldn't have ended up differently, my parents would have loved me another way, the wrongs that happened in my life wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't be as shitty of a person as I turned out to be.

Even now, after three college degrees, a good life, a job that is really good for me. All of the good in my life feels undeserved, like somehow I will never deserve the good things that happened to me because of how I got kicked out of public high school and had to go to catholic school. No matter what good I do or what I accomplish, it still feels like rectifying the embarrassment of that wrong instead of just letting the "right" exist.

It made me really cynical and cold, and really, really learn how to resent people and humanity and morality and God. It honestly kind of ruined who I would have ended up being.

I guess what I'm getting at is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't apologize for your feelings, because I WANT you to be able to feel those things. Its how //I// felt those things while I was writing it. It's how I can personify and deconstruct these things for myself to be able to understand them, and, if it helps you, then, maybe it'll help me, too.

[cloud-somersault]

Just wanted to comment that I found your post about the five pillars of magic and who is proficient in which so incredibly interesting! I was actually kinda surprised that Little Star had no experience in Shadow because I’ve gotten the impression that Macaque had more of the role of teacher with them than Wukong did at that time, and he had MK delve into it a little, but I guess the circumstances were VERY different with Macaque actually training Star but manipulating MK to siphon his powers when they first met (actually intrigued about your take on that in the Constellations verse) but obviously you as the author have more info on the characters than we as the audience do.

Poor MK is the only one not proficient in an area yet 😭 but tbh considering he’s so young compared to the rest of them and has been training officially for even less (I guess approximately a year? Maybe more or less? Idk the timelines help) then I think he’s doing real good! My guess would be that he’s gonna master either Celestial or possibly Elemental first since I guess that’s some of what Wukong had been teaching him so far and we know MK takes after him a lot in certain areas? Plot twist would be if you have some mega angst planned and he ends up mastering Death first (I remember Wukong mentioning that the golden flowers of his birth might have appeared in the Underworld too?), orrrr maybe he’ll end up being a Jack of All Trades, Master of None? Anyway MK baby I believe in you 🧡

Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked that post, I should reblog it more so others can see 😭Macaque did have a strong role in training Little Star, but the prerequisites for training in shadow are difficult...and not exactly something that sounds fun. To Little Star, magic is fun first and foremost. I don't think they'd be interested (or patient enough) to train in shadow magic. Macaque would respect that.

Huh. 🤔If I had to explain in a constellations!way or how I see it happening, Macaque was manipulating the shadows in MK's heart and mind, pulling on that emotion of wanting to be a great student, powerful and cool enough so that Monkey King would be impressed by him. We know, at this point, that MK was wondering if Wukong thought he'd made a mistake in choosing MK as his successor. Macaque would've honed in on that feeling of inadequacy and used it to his advantage.

So, then, Macaque could give power to MK in that way. Once Macaque can control/see the shadows in someone's heart and mind, it's exceptionally easy for him to manipulate them. Macaque can give them nightmares, conversely, he can also prevent nightmares by this same manipulation (this will come up later). I'd like to think that he needs to have some feeling to go off of, y'know. A way to get his foot in the door. Training with MK in season 1 was Macaque finding that way in, and he grabbed hold of it, and...the reset of the episode happened. That's how I'd explain it, anyway. So MK doesn't know shadow magic formally. He's just felt it and somewhat controlled it...kind of.

No, MK is not proficient...yet. In Constellations, the first three seasons of the show took place in two years. Right now, in the epilogue, we are in...May! Of the third year (yes i have this fic planned down to the timeline, leave me alone). The epilogue will end in, roughly, September. MK will be training that whole time.

So he's been training for about two and a half years. I'd say he's making great progress! He's mastered the 72 transformations, and once he's directed his celestial magic to interact with all of the elements, he'll have crossed another milestone. For magic proficiency, we have to think...smaller. Like by individual spells. For an immortal, time is nothing. For MK? Every second counts, and he's learning fast. He's great at cloud-somersaulting already after his first attempt. That's fucking astounding since it even took Wukong some time to master. You're right that he's doing great!!

MK is focusing on celestial and elemental right now, yes. This will come up in chapter 6 of the epilogue. And! In chapter 3, Macaque and Wukong discussed the order of teaching MK the elements. In their minds, that means MK has a solid foundation in celestial magic, enough so that they can push him to do more elemental things.

Interesting that you'd mention death magic...what a plot twist that would be, indeed. 😁We'll have to see what happens. But! I do love the idea of MK being a jack of all trades. I just love characters like that. But, if I were to put a celestial primate in that category right now, it'd be Macaque. But that's just because he loves magic so much.

Wukong did say that MK's birth made golden flowers bloom in every realm (this is very important) along with an earthquake. So! Golden flowers from MK's birth are in the Underworld! Wonder what happened with them, huh.

Maybe we'll find out~ 😉

[mono-red-menace]

lots of ppl online have "have to be the smartest and/or most morally correct person in the room" disease and then i feel like i have to involve myself with these ppl to keep myself out of the fire and it makes me insane.

i feel the need to like. engage with this and keep them around and stuff because if i don't then i'm going to inevitably be stupid and wrong and become the next big target and i've been trying to get over my OCD and just DO things because im constantly frozen, too scared to do anything because of my fear of being stupid or morally bad.

and this leads to a conflict where i try to be extremely perfect and i struggle to do so because im a human with yk a limited brain, as humans have, so i overthink things CONSTANTLY, and then i try to push myself to not overthink things and just do it the most right i can think of doing it, and then it drives me insane because i feel like i was the most correct the original way.

and like the internet isn't what started this in me, it's actually just the way i was mocked and abused if i said things wrong or did things wrong, but the internet reinforces it and i just need to just do things for chill and fun because my OCD is killing me and aghhhh

i just think that being online in the "haha this person said something wrong! let's be mean to them and post their dumb wrong comment!" environment (which encompasses every internet community ever tbh) tends to lead me to both attempting to adopt this cruelty to cover for my own perceived inadequacy but also to overanalyse my own actions more in an endless chase for moral and intellectual purity.

and like i should just log onto this site to see funny memes or see political posts.

i shouldn't be logging onto this seeing a screencap of someone misunderstanding something and then them being made fun of and why they're wrong isn't even being dismantled. like it doesn't affect me directly like i see it and forget it's a person a lot and think it's funny. and like it makes me feel better to be More Smart and/or More Morally Correct than someone because it eases up my constant dread and anxiety, you know? so i not only feel compelled to participate bc it doesn't feel like a person bc it's physically detached from a person, but also because it lessens my dread.

but like i know it's affecting me. it's always affecting me. you know? it's making me feel like i'm the cruellest person in the world. and i'm overcompensating to hide my badness and stupidity and like.

i'm just a fuckin person dude. i can't handle this. it's not the politics it's the cruelty and the harassment. bc like i know it's like this regardless of the circle you're in 😑 idk

anyways it's funny how i didn't know i had ocd for so long when im like This all the time.

[takeariskao3]

“Your best weapon when it comes to craft.” I think it’s interesting that you are essentially implying that the reader is their own worst enemy. IDK the violence of it? It’s very funny to me.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN THOUGH! god i'm going to rant incoherently for a second i'm so sorry

specific to angst (because it's my favorite groundwork to lay), it is going to hit soo muchh harderrr if it is something the reader has also experienced. writers, or at least myself as a writer, actively and intentionally use the readers empathy and life experience against them. if i get super hyperspecific about a character and the through line becomes something fantastical and/or out of this world, i am going to lose some of that connection. but if the through line of my story becomes loneliness, or inadequacy, or grief, i can increase my connection with the reader because those are universal experiences! everyone has felt loneliness at some point or another, and so if the story becomes about that crushing feeling, and the overwhelming joy of filling that hole, i can use whatever set pieces i want. i make up whatever lore, whatever magic system, whatever bullshit fantasy land backstory i want -- because the worldbuilding is secondary. the plot is secondary. the main and side characters are all intentionally telling this story of loneliness. or grief. or inadequacy. or whatever the writer is choosing. my point is... that's my end goal as a writer. not to write the prettiest sentences, or to come up with the most clever plots, but to evoke emotion in the reader in a way that feels honest and authentic.

and i--me, as the writer--i can't make them do that. i can't make anyone feel anything. the reader makes an active choice to feel what the character is feeling. so why not put the reader in the drivers seat? and weaponize their own feelings to tell your story? it's so much less effort. let them do the heavy lifting.