#and idk I feel bad bc I’ve been tweeting about it and making dumb jokes

[asexualjedi]

These mood swings are making my anxiety worse. I think bc I’m really frustrated and worried about like. When I’ll be able to get a doctors appointment to fix this, how quickly this will resolve. And like since my birth control is I’m pretty sure causing this (looking back I can kinda see like this is a problem that I think has been slowly getting worse) and like my last birth control also caused this and. Like none of my birth controls have made the cramps stop??? And like idk like what am I gonna do dog lol. Like that’s what the doctor is gonna tell me but idk. How long I’m gonna have to wait and I’m worried it’ll be a while. But. I’m gonna see if I can go ahead and schedule anything on my chart since it’s been a while since the nurse said anything and idk they aren’t open on weekends but maybe I can still schedule.

[flyingcookierambles]

plans for 2020???

uhhuhuhuhuhuhhhh

graduate college

get a part time job and take a gap year for academia/save up money while job hunting for my first Real Adult Job?????

figure out my gender??????????????? probably switch to like they/she pronouns or something bc i realized that every time i post something on twitter/snapchat/tumblr/whatever i always refer to myself as a “a foolish child who makes bad financial decisions” or “a person who makes their wallet cry” or like “guess who just spent like $40 on a steam sale???? this kidddddddddd” like ive always just been unconsciously referring to myself in like third person or they/them/gender neutral pronouns?????? like. i dont think that in any tweet/toot/snap ive ever written i’ve called myself something like “a foolish girl” or “a girl who makes her wallet cry” or anything so like theres that. and honestly ive made/been making some posts about this gender thing for like the past year. ive asked the cool mods at feminism and media about it (ill post the screenshot later). ive changed my main tumblr about page which i dont think anyone’s ever visited since it’s listed under “hi” and like maybe i should change it to “about”? anyways ive like changed most of my stuff online to be something like “gender questioning, but she/her pronouns are fine for now” or like “gender questioning/probably nonbinary” and then just straight up changed my facebook pronouns to they/them (but im p sure my family hasnt noticed thank goodness cuz thats not a can of worms i wanna explain to a bunch of religious baby boomers rn), changed my myanimelist gender to non-bianary (again why is this a thing? a rando blue anime hellsite is not the place i expected to have this option but like im not complaining so lol), and also put “gender questioning, probably non-binary” in the write in gender option on goodreads so like. uhhh. i guess im probably non-binary????? but also im a terrible and indecisive person so like every time i say im probably non-binary my stupid brain goes back to bein like. wait is this some internalized misogyny that makes me not want to be a girl/cis girl? but also i find the dysphoria memes/jokes on the egg_irl subreddit really relatable and its just a bad cycle in which i go “oh these gender dysphoria memes on a trans subreddit are really relatable” -> “huh maybe. im not a girl???” -> brain awakened to being not a girl -> self doubt of brain might have internalized misogyny -> haha im a cis girl even tho i always refer to myself with they/them pronouns in writing -> haha wait that doesnt sound right a cis person wouldnt refer to themself with gender neutral pronouns right -> i know, ill go to a sub that i know makes gender dysphoria jokes and caused this self doubt/gender questioning in the first place with dumb jokes like “would you push a button?” and this meme but replace the “im bi” with “im ace” -> haha these gender dysphoria jokes are really relatable -> oh no (repeat this hell cycle of self doubt for 2 years and its me haha) 

regarding the above example sentences of steam sales and my finances, uhhhh, i wanna play more video games this year. and actually finish them. because i think according to steamdb or whatever account rating site it is, my account’s games net worth is something ridiculous like $600. and like. ive only played like 30% of the stuff i own. so uh. i should get my moneys worth and play stuff

the above resolution does not apply to games that are technically endless with no real goal/end, such as the sims, cities skyline, prison architect, etc. this resolution applies only to games that do have an end, such as nameless, pesterquest, steins;gate, etc.

the above resolution also may have some exceptions due to technical issues or time since some games, mostly japanese visual novels like steins;gate, are not compatible with macbooks i guess maybe they’re not popular with gamers (not surprising the macbooks has terrible venting lol) and also maybe not popular in japan so japanese companies just dont think to port things to mac os??? idk what the issue is here exactly but like since im in a college dorm and not at home ill only have access to my macbook for a majority of the time.

also similar to the “finish the games” thing, i should read, or at least attempt to read, all the books i’ve brought. i have so so many ebooks. that are unread. yet i also keep buying more books. i should stop buying books and finish the ones i do have and also use the library more.

also i should probably figure out how to save money lol. im 22. but im constantly broke. 

also i should uhhh probably find more diverse books lol. like i love my shitty indie fantasy books and stuff but the protag is usu a white dude so like eh. but also. sometimes when i read books w female protags im like haha cant relate. and then the gender questioning sets in once again. is it because im probably non-binary? or am i actually trans or something???????? i mean i hang out on egg_irl, a mostly mtf trans sub, but also an occasional non-binary or ftm trans post comes up which is also nice to see. idk mannnnnnn lollll

also there was this whole like haha cant relate brain reaction to my school’s vagina monologues event when i went in to listen to my nursing major friend have some monologue. like she talked about some thing about like delivering a baby and it was kinda near the end of the event bc i got there late and the ones that i did hear at the end were just like haha cant relate but also ive been told that the monologues that year were particularly terf-y, probs in response to my college turning co-ed (it was up until i think 2 years before i entered a womens college and the older students, alumni and current students that were there at the time, were apparently super pissed about it, so the school i guess doubled down on “(cis) girl power!” but also kinda excluded trans/gender queer ppl that weren’t cis girls in the process)

gender is stupid i feel like id much rather not have to deal with it/pick a label to be and move on with life lol but my brain wont let me

push this internal gender crisis out of my mind by playing a ton of video games/reading a ton of books/do school work ig hahahahahaha

[aliive-but-not-liiviing]

How do you feel about the #BTSxEXOstreamingparty on twt? I know lots of ARMY have mixed feelings about it, I definetely do, I don't trust it. What do you think? Have you seen whats going on?

yea i’ve seen it, and i’m the same really- mixed feelingson one hand any progress made between ARMYs and EXO-Ls is amazing lmao. everyday in kpop it’s like WW3 between us & them & it’s tiring & dumb & i don’t understand why both fandoms hate each other so much to start with. so if this is genuine progress towards some form of friendship or anything other than hating each other i’m here for it lmao. PLUS bts and exo are literal friends it makes no sense why the fandoms hate each other dkdhdkshdkshfsk

HOWEVER. i’m sceptical. i’m not one to label a fandom as toxic or horrible or anything, however what EXO-Ls have done to bts in the past is hard for me to forgive or forget. i know it isn’t the whole fandom, and i know that we have a lot of toxic ARMYs too, but the difference is that i can’t name you one major thing ARMY have done against exo, like honestly?? i’ve seen little bits of hate but never massive projects or hashtags or ruining comebacks, etc. but then you look at what EXO-Ls have done to bts & ARMY & i understand why a lot of ARMYs have bad feelings towards them, tbh

here are some examples; 1) they trended #plagarismboys WORLDWIDE on what should’ve been one of the biggest days of bts’ career, bts SAW the hashtag & were so upset by it, and even still reference to it now so you know it effected them. 2) the disgusting tweets about tae’s grandma dying in 2016. i’ve seen hundreds of screenshots of EXO-Ls making horrible jokes about her dying, even recently i’ve seen some. 3) jokes about members looks. just today i saw an EXO-L making jokes about jimin’s weight and namjoon’s looks. i see it constantly from them & it’s gross. 4) the CONSTANT accusations against bts. plagiarism, faking sales, having plastic surgery, etc. just today with the concept pics EXO-Ls were accusing bts of plagiarism simply bc they used a certain thing in their pics similar to another group years ago. it’s so dumb & it isn’t even just a joke like it could damage their careers?? and the faking sales accusations literally nearly ruined their careers, it was even investigated(and found to be false). 5) the #breakwings project, and every other project they’ve created to ruin bts comebacks EVERY DAMN TIME. it’s gross. do we ever try to ruin anyone else’s comeback? no!

so yea there’s just 5 examples, i could go on lol there’s a lot. idk why they hate us so much, truly i don’t understand it, the two groups are friends and have no bad feelings towards each other, yet the fan war between army & exo-l’s carries on & i don’t get it. i just don’t get fan wars in general, they’re so dumb, like just focus on the group you like & support them, why waste your time and energy hating on another group when you could use that time supporting ur favs???

overall! i hope army & exo-l’s can get along, i want nothing more than for fan wars to end, i’m sick of it. will i ever forgive what certain exo-l’s did to bts? no. but can i move past it if they stop harassing bts & trying to ruin everything they do? yes. i just hope this can all actually end lmao but i highly doubt it ever will, sigh

[wordsformendes]

talk

requested: “Can you do an imagine about the media talking about how shawn cheated on you and how toxic y/n’s relationship with shawn and then y/n started getting worried and its just fluffy and cute.”

authors note: i hope this is okay. i know what it’s like to have people constantly talk about your love life and giving you a bad rep and all that. i’ve experienced it, and i can’t imagine what it would be like to date shawn, where people would constantly be talking about your relationship with him. i didn’t write about him cheating on y/n bc i wrote this the other day and told myself that i was gunna incorporate the cheating part but i’ve been sick, and i was feeling kinda lazy on editing this imagine and adding more stuff to it. i sincerely apologize and hope u enjoy this imagine anyway tho.

"Reasons why Shawn Mendes shouldn’t be dating Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Treat You Better singer Shawn Mendes, supposedly breaking things off with long time girlfriend Y/N.”

You read multiple headlines and articles talking about your relationship with Shawn. You’ve been dating Shawn for a while so you were usually used to the media making up dumb rumors for attention. But lately you and Shawn haven’t exactly been on the same page, and it looked like the media could tell. The articles didn’t bother you that much, it was mostly what his fans had to say that hurt.

@/shawnmendesfanacc: ok but shawn doesn’t seem happy lately and i’m kinda worried it’s bc of y/n

@/shawnmendesfanacc2: guys shawn hasn’t posted any pictures of y/n on his snapchat lately and if that doesn’t worry u idk what will

Most of his fanbase was supportive of your relationship and so you had seen other tweets from them saying nice things to him, and wishing him well. Other tweets you saw were even wishing you well, and saying things like “I hope Shawn and Y/N are okay. They’ve been together for so long, they need each other.”

They were right about that. You did need each other, but they were also right about him not seeming that happy lately. You and Shawn haven’t had any huge arguments or anything, but lately you were just bickering about stupid things that for some reason got in the way of your relationship. You had told him several times that you thought it was the distance, but he only denied you. You were worried. Worried about him, worried about your relationship.

After reading several articles and viewing subscribed snapchat stories, you decided you’d had enough. Your relationship with Shawn was real, and you were both always honest with each other, so you figured if you just told Shawn how you felt, then maybe he’d understand. And so you wiped any tears from your eyes and picked up your phone to dial Shawn’s number.

Surprisingly, he answered almost immediately saying, “Hey love.”

"Shawn.” You said quietly and paused for a small second thinking of how you were going to say what you wanted to say.

"I know this might be dumb but like, have you seen all the recent articles and crap that have been put out about us? And not to mention what your fans are saying. Look, I know lately we haven’t been on the same page, and I’m sorry about that. But you haven’t exactly said anything about it, and it makes me feel like you don’t care, I don’t know. All I’m saying is, if you wanna end things then we can but like.. Why haven’t you said anything Shawn!!??“ You were getting a little frustrated and you probably sounded overdramatic but you didn’t care. This is how you felt, and you wanted him to know.

You heard Shawn let out a quiet laugh through the phone and that frustrated you even more.

"Oh so you think I’m joking or something?” You said trying not to lose it.

“No baby, of course not. Listen okay? You’re right, we haven’t been on the same page lately. But guess what darling? All relationships are like this. I’m not gunna leave you just because you yelled at me for not eating dinner, or because we don’t agree on global warming.” You chewed on your lip as your boyfriend spoke. You opened your mouth to say something but he cut you off.

“And the media can suck it. Those articles are what’s worrying my fans, making them think that I’m not happy or whatever. I thought about tweeting something about it but I didn’t wanna cause any drama of some sort. But maybe now I will. Either way Y/N, the media is always going to talk. Whether it be about my happiness or yours, or ours. But I’ll still love you. Always.” And with that, you felt so much better. Shawn’s sweet rambling always warmed your heart and it made you feel better to know that he probably hasn’t said anything about all this, was because he honestly wasn’t worried about any of it. Your silly arguments would never get in the way of his love for you and that made you happy to know.

“I love you too.” Was all you could think to say.

There was some small silence over the phone when suddenly a Twitter notification went off. You pulled your phone away from your ear to look at your screen. It was Shawn, tweeting a link to one of those articles, but putting a caption above it.

@/ShawnMendes: sorry “People” magazine but, y/n and i are still together! actually, i’m missing her terribly right now haha

“Shawnnn, I miss you too.” You said through the phone, your heart fluttering. You were lucky to have someone like Shawn who you knew would always come through during small rough patches like this.

[95z]

do you have a link to the vlive + of tae?

nope, sorry! I was asleep when he came on too so I haven’t even watched it yet since it takes them ages to re-upload the lives form ch+

Why am I the only one who want laughing when he was singing along to all by myself in that Vlive?He looked sad or is it just me?

from what i’ve seen he was exaggerating his actions for the sake of the song LMAO idk he seemed fine in the rest of the video (based on what little clips and gifs i’ve seen)

I'm LMAOing at the last rude anon like ppl have the right to express their own opinions on THEIR OWN BLOG... also, you were never rude about how you felt either you just said it as it is so idk what that anon's problem is

sigh idk tbh lmao

Oh dear, people are given proof that Taehyung doesn't like being called an alien and still try to argue that he doesn't care?? and wtf does pineapple on pizza have to do with anything lmao. This is YOUR blog and you can post/reblog/talk about anything you want!

ngl i was kinda very confused about that comparison too but hey i guess you do you @ that anon ashdfjk

y'all, just the fact that the time is passing and people grow up and change, is enough for tae not wanting to be called that anymore. Maybe before, when he was younger, new in the industry, he was more out there, more "alien" like y'all say, but it was his younger self. If tae is calmer now, and even mentioned that he doesn't want to be called that anymore, then conversation over. It's not hard to accept that people change, and a thing they were/liked before, they aren't/don't like anymore.

they’ve all grown, it’s natural and yeah if he himself said he doesn’t like that term then everyone should respect that

i maybe wrong or maybe i just see it that way but i noticed taehyung stopped expressing emotions THAT much bc of this nonsense and i feel so bad about it

ever since that incident back in 2015 he’s been more reserved (and before y’all ask, it’s about that time when he was lipsyncing to bb’s loser on mcountdown when they first got their 1st win, not bc he was referring to bb but bc bb was performing that right before the announcement lmao and we all know how much of a fan of bb they all are)

the 'tae is dumb' kinda bs (it's not a joke if it's not funny) still exist to this day and they annoy me so much bc how can people be so shallow in their judgments. if you pay attention to him for more than half a second you'll see how smart he is. i mean wasnt the bon voyage bit a huge proof of his intelligence? he's a grown up guy, a many-sided artist and some people just overlook all of that to make their very lame "jokes"

agreed, i really despise all those tweets and jokes that make him seem like he’s just dumb and weird and that’s all there is to him when he’s really not....

i hate how that anon referred to them as 'concepts'. has it not occured to anyone that maybe, just maybe, this is who they are? they aren't 'concepts'. they didn't imagine a personality and decide to become it. jin likes pink, taehyung is eccentric. that doesn't mean they're purposefully putting on a front or trying to come across in a certain way. they're just being who they are. like damn, remember they're real people, please, doing what they like.

exactly, they’re just people and I know that in this business it might happen that celebrities do have to act according to a concept but with them it’s just how they are?? there’s enough footage thanks to bangtan bombs and whatever twitter videos they decide to upload to say that he’s just lively and bubbly and a tad eccentric, saying they’re putting on an act is just a different way to say they’re fake imo

You might have figured it out by now, but that's Jimin's hand. It's funny though, until you pointed it out I hadn't even realized it was somebody else's hand and not Jin's lol

yeah haha after a while i did conclude that it’s jimin’s jkasdhjk