#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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!!!! ghost obsession by proximity lmao.
yeah that's okay !!! i hope you get to use it at some point, because. why not, it's amazing. thank you!! i've heard king of scars is really good too so aaaahhhh i will actually start reading. and WOO !! RADIO SILENCE <333
zxbijcknfsdmz bestie. yeah i don't know what to tell you, so thank you <33
hey!!! listen to your own advice dude, you are not allowed to hate on a younger version of yourself !! you're wonderful, and even if young you wasn't the best version of you, they were still you. and all versions of you are essential to your being. although i will say that i absolutely cackled at "i would rather get a sunburn on my ass" so. thank you for that line shdfljk
that's so valid, and that's quite rude of your brain >:( sleep is important, let ju sleep !!
ay same!! yeah,, i wish my jatp hyperfixation wasn't fading. it's a great fandom and a great show but the passion that i had just. isn't as strong, which sucks.
!!!!!! i feel that so much god. discord voice calls, especially with online friends, are ridiculously stressful. i know these people!! but actually talk to them? hA. and yesss the wall thing is just. ://
if i made a playlist based on my current mood,, i think it would be called "i wish i could fly" because (shocker) i wish i could fly rn. i'd like to not be bound by gravity, and i also have to do chores and stuff so. if i could get out of that and fly that would be pretty nice!! i'd put a mix of rock music and like,, stomp and holler because if i can't fly, i'd love to lie on grass and listen to that lmao.
i'd say slowly? and then it starts picking up speed until it consumes every waking moment /j. but yeah, at least with my jatp hyperfixation, it was a slow-ish build and now it's been a few months, and i don't think it's fully gone yet, but still. my ideal bedroom,, oooh. right now i'd like a room with dark blue-gray walls, and i'd have glow in the dark stars on the ceiling, and led/fairy lights strung on the walls. probably have posters for bands and fandoms, and a lot of bookshelves. i've seen people with chalkboard paint on their walls, so i think that would be really cool, or have a part of one wall dedicated to art. a desk, but open space on the floor so i can lie on the floor or dance at 2am with headphones on. also, plants !!
i wish i had the nerves to publish more of my writing stuff. it would just be on ao3/tumblr, and of course that would require me to actually finish my stuff, which is the main problem, but still. i admire those people who have 35 works and write for 6 different fandoms, yknow? either that, or to talk more with my friends. i'm very bad at one-on-one socializing jsdlkjf.
what would your ideal/dream bedroom look like, and how would you decorate it? what's a motivational saying that you never understood? favorite stage/part of having a new hyperfixation? what are some movies/tv shows that you've been meaning to watch, but keep forgetting about? - 🌵
omg ghost obsession by proximity SO true.
sdjfkhgsdjfwoerihdsfjkl <33333 and yes sdfdkjfldj i took like 2 solid minutes trying to come up with a suitably bad situation so im glad sunburn on my ass worked
it is SO rude of my brain but thats ok. im USED TO IT *glares passive aggressively at sleep schedule*
yeah exactly!! like i still think it's a high quality show it's just... my brain does not have the FSDHGSLKFJSJF JATP energy that it did before... which makes writing fic very difficult >:(
hhh yeah exactly!! especially on group calls it feels like im like. interrupting the vibes ™ if i say anything and it's easier to just lurk and listen to what people are saying. if there's a vc-text channel i'll usually just type in there and hope someone's checking it lol.
ooooh oh my god that's such a vibe!! flying !! hell yeah !! "i'd put a mix of rock music and like,, stomp and holler because if i can't fly, i'd love to lie on grass and listen to that lmao." HELL YEAH. that's literally such a fucking vibe i love it so much.
oooh yeah okay that makes sense!! yeah it's defintely not fully gone for me either but like... it's slipping away lol. *waves goodbye like im some woman with a hat in the 1920's watching my lover leave on a boat* farewell jatp hyperfixation! may you return to me soon with many gifts including but not limited to a GODDAMN SEASON 2. anyway <3
DUDE THAT WOULD BE SUCH A COOL ROOM HOLY SHIT. the room colors >>> and oh my gosh glow in the dark stars YES. FAIRY LIGHTS SO TRUE BESTIE AAAAAH. omg posters and bookshelves yes that would be iconic !! oh my god a chalkboard or art wall dude YES. that would be literally so amazing. OPEN SPACE ON THE FLOOR!!! this room is literally so perfect oh my goshhhh.
"and of course that would require me to actually finish my stuff, which is the main problem" god if that's not a fucking mood. yeah so many fic writers write sO MUCH and i just. do not understand how. it's so cool. what fandoms do you write for? what are the fics you wanna write/finish? lmao yeah wanting to talk more to friends... eternal mood.
hmmm. okay. i think my ideal bedroom would have dark blue walls. on one section of the wall there would be a sheet of ivy vine things that hang down and look real pretty, and maybe they would be the kind that are also string lights!! and my bed would maybe have light grey or white bedsheets as a nice contrast? and i'd have either a beanbag or just a really comfortable chair that i could sit in without sitting properly. and then obviously a desk. maybe a rug where there's open floor so it's soft and stuff. hmm i'd definitely have a few bookshelves and i'd organize the books so they're not all vertical so they look *aesthetic* and then i'd put some lil fake plants everywhere and i'd put fairy lights EVERYWHERE. also ideally i would have like. a reading nook or something. maybe a window seat? for reading !!
oh god there are sO MANY. maybe "there is no elevator to success. you have to take the stairs." like okay, sure, maybe i don't have an elevator. but don't fucking pretend SOME PEOPLE DON'T HAVE EM. like you're really gonna tell me mr donald "small loan of a million dollars" trump didn't have a fuckng elevator to success? okay. sure. fuck off. but anyway look i don't mind that i have to 'take the stairs' or whatever. but don't pretend EVERYONE does.
omg my favorite part of having a hyperfixation is when i can just pump out so much fucking content like i cannot stop writing i have lots of ideas and i can actually PUT THEM INTO WORDS ON PAPER. it's such a good feeling and it's a shame it goes away so quickly lol
dude i have SO MANY. hang on let me just consult my notes app. ok i've been meaning to watch raya and the last dragon for AGES, and uhh in terms of tv shows... i still haven't finished shadow and bone or the queen's gambit or tfatws, and i've been meaning to watch elementary, atypical, derry girls, anne with an e, and a bunch of other shows for a WHILE now.
what are some movies/tv shows YOU'VE been meaning to watch? do you prefer movies or tv shows? is there a minimum or maximum length of tv shows that you're willing to watch? do you like 20 minute or 40 minute episodes more? this is a lot of questions about tv shows uhhh... would you rather be stranded on an island, in a forest, or in the mountains?
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