#and i'm supposed to get it tomorrow but can't because no referral

[asoulofstars]

Depending on how I'm feeling in the next couple of weeks, I'm gonna try to be more active here. I'm prioritizing getting my school things done, but what I have left is actually fairly easy for me to complete.

I did get really lucky with being at home for a couple of days and not having a ton to do work-wise, so I could read in a way that I can't read when I'm at the front counters in-office.

But all of that is to say, if I can keep myself on-schedule for this, then I really should be able to start being more active at the end of October/into November, provided that my pain isn't completely hindering me. Since it does hurt to type and be on my phone or laptop, then I've obviously been prioritizing school stuff.

I currently have an appointment with the Spinal Specialist I was initially referred to scheduled for November 18th. My roommate remembered that I went through a different hospital system when I went to ER and that they were supposed to put in a referral to someone else, so we called about that yesterday, and I should at least hear back from them sometime this week for scheduling, and I hope that I can get in sooner with them.

But. There's your Jordan update, and I love and appreciate you all. You guys seriously don't know how much it makes my day to see you pop up in my notifications, read your things on my dash, or see you in my DMs or Discord.

If you guys want to understand all of my school stuff, I've placed it below the cut:

This is what I currently still have left to do:

1.) Finish American Sonnets for My Past and Future Assassin Style Compendium (I have chosen 20 poems from the book out of the 70 poems, and I need to identify techniques used in each poem.)

2.) Read Beloved

3.) Complete Process Paper for Beloved (I need to identify a technique that connects with my own writing and do 300-500 words about how it is used in the book and how I use it.)

4.) Read So To Speak

5.) Complete Process Paper for So To Speak (I need to identify a technique that connects with my own writing and do 300-500 words about how it is used in the book and how I use it.)

6.) Read Watch Your Language

7.) Complete Process Paper for Watch Your Language (I need to identify a technique that connects with my own writing and do 300-500 words about how it is used in the book and how I use it.)

8.) Start Formulating Final Paper (This will include choosing which 2 of our 8 books I wish to focus on, whether I want it to be the creative/hybrid option or analytical, and what research I will need to do.)

My goal is to have all of the above (with the exception of #8) finished by October 22nd. I should have #1 finished by tomorrow, if all goes to plan, and then my goal will be to have #2 & #3 done this weekend.

The things that I have already done include:

Reading Sula and completing a process paper Reading Playing in the Dark and completing a process paper Reading Wind in a Box and completing a process paper Reading Song of Solomon and completing a process paper (this is the book we are starting this week) Completing Style Compendium #1, which is due October 10th. (I chose to do this on Sula, did way more than the 20 pages required--this is 20 pages out of the book, not a 20 page assignment; my actual assignment was 7 pages including a Works Cited page and it was double spaced--, and went a little wild about it.)

So. Yeah. I'm kind of channeling all the pain and frustration into school stuff, because I love this professor, and I love being able to do things for him, and if I can get ahead, then it'll be easier for me in the long run, because I don't know what is gonna happen with all my neck stuff.

[rabbitindisguise]

it's late but I'm getting all worked up before bed because I had weird test results and they just didn't do anything!!!!!!!!!! not even a "everything looks normal" just "weird weird okay I'm leaving" sometimes even leaving the room before I could be like "Wait hold up"

frankly I think it's probably wise to ask for someone to go to an appointment with me to quickly get all the referrals I need and tests done that make sense given my symptoms but it's a bit short notice for an agency for patient representatives (who mostly get second opinions, and I'd need to figure out insurance for that) and everyone else has like School or Work and stuff

and like I'm mad enough about this stuff that I can do some self advocacy running off of pure anger but 1) I don't want to sabotage the somewhat decent relationships I have with my doctors and 2) as much as I joke that this is my full time job I'm seriously underqualified and it's stressful as hell when I'm alone in a room with a person who basically has my life in their hands. I was mostly adjusting to the idea that if there was a problem someone would do something, but ever since the seriously concerning bloodwork has come back I haven't heard a peep. It's like they think because I'm up and talking I'm somehow healthy as if I haven't personally done a hip reduction multiple times by myself- because they don't believe it ever happened, though even when presented with test results they don't seem to wake up until you repeatedly shake them into sense

Therapists have a lot of problems and the patient/therapist relationship has the thorny bit where they can have you institutionalized against your will, but doctors can both do that AND cause problems through negligence. I have more self respect from therapists than I ever will from how I get treated by doctors because they are capable of treating people like equals.

And like I can't do my best work when I'm like physically a mess because I acted on the advice they gave me and I can't hold anyone responsible for it without going through the effort I should be saving for repairing my health. People ignore me when I basically present my symptoms on a silver platter and don't do anything when I tell them to do stuff that they assume I don't want. It's infuriating.

It's also really frustrating watching people go through their own health struggles and feeling like I'm helpless and giving the wrong advice. I feel like my answer should always be to fight it every step until you're sure it's fine but money is Such an issue and also going to so many appointments can cause problems that are nebulous and unclear, hospital to hospital, system to system. I have no idea how to correctly go to the doctor or if there even is such a thing! People have been giving me advice but there is no fix, I'm never seeing the same person, I'm shuffled off from one person to the next and they won't even agree that I'm disabled to sign my forms one entire year later and I did all the things I'm supposed to the letter

I'm doing my stool sample tomorrow and calling to schedule more appointments. I'm messaging my neurologist to follow up on cluster headaches and an MRI, talking about my problems with emgality, and asking about why my prescription is currently in limbo. I'm going to call the nurse line to see what I should do about the test results, schedule an appointment with my actual specific PCP, and start typing up the ungodly level of paperwork I need to create for the next appointment and a treatment plan based on my symptoms. And then as a treat next friday I'm going to tell my story to my therapist to explain why I haven't been doing the therapy stuff I want to be doing this week instead of trying to do it and failing -_-

The main things I need to figure out is if 1) one of my prescriptions is causing this 2) if there's any possibility there is actually a bacteria infection 3) what other things I could have symptoms of 4) what intermediate treatment options I have between now and the endoscopy for the Problems

eventually I'm going to have to type up a bunch of treatment guidelines for MCAS and surgery so I'll need to get a consult through my doctor and a bunch of papers through the EDS support groups if I can. Plus all the documentation for my RFC form, citations from my doctors notes, records requests from tufts, my previous hospitals, and get my password recovered for an online portal/records request if I can't.

and in the meantime I'm going to have to sleep. Ugh. I know I procrastinated on laundry but it's like. How am I supposed to do all the things? how is anyone supposed to do all the things??? I see all the work people have to put into being people and it's a wonder any of us are moderately functional. I want to be physically stable enough that I can have good, positive, and stable relationships with the people I care about. And we have plans this weekend ;-; and I still haven't edited the wedding photos OTL

Edit: this is the part where my therapist/housemates tell me I'm not responsible for literally all the things and I should rest and where i remind myself that thinking I have to fix everything is also in and of itself a type of grandiosity *sigh* baby steps

[ashen-phoenix]

Can't stop thinking about how so many of the adults that were supposed to take care of me growing up just really dropped the freaking ball and I'm the one that has to suffer for it. It isn't fair, I was owed better, I deserved a chance to live a halfway decent life.

I am approaching the one year anniversary of my MDD diagnosis, as well as the begin of the most recent decline in my health, which has only continued to decline with the only reprieve being a few weeks stagnation before resuming it's downslide.

I had the thought today that I don't know how much longer I can do this. Every waking moment is suffering, and I have developed insomnia. I can't think of a more perfect way to describe my overall situation than with that sentence. I am doing everything I can think of to make things better, but I can't keep up with it. I don't have the energy to get better, I don't even have the energy not to get worse. I know I'm getting worse.

On a lighter note, my psychiatrist gave me the info for a gender services program at the state's med school. I sent off some paperwork and they replied with an email giving me their registration info and some PDFs on how to go about getting the specific services I'd picked from the initial paperwork and which offices around the school would be trans friendly. I'm calling to register tomorrow, then hopefully schedule with a therapist soon after to get things moving as far as top surgery and hopefully a referral for voice therapy so my insurance might think about paying for it.

Also mad that I can't just change my discord tag now, I'd been going back and forth about changing it because I'm still attached to the name but it isn't me anymore and I'm tired of changing the screen name in every server I join. I can't justify paying for nitro, especially because I only want it to change my freaking name to something that doesn't make my brain want to melt. I think I'm just going to make a new one, start fresh with a sidebar I don't get lost trying to navigate because I can't stop hoarding dead servers.

My Fehu pendant also broke a couple weeks ago and fixing it to wear again feels wrong, Freya has been the deity I've worked with the most, I owe her so much, from taking care of my kitties when things looked really bad to saving me from an abusive relationship by helping me see what I could be if I loved myself and what I deserved before it was too late to get out, to teaching me that I can't save everyone and that tough calls will have to be made. She is always going to be a huge part of who I'm becoming, but I think this was her way of telling me this is where we should part. I understand and I'll always keep her lessons close as I move into this next stage of my life.

[algandarsplaguepositive]

The high point of today was probably being told I look nice but aside from that, this entire day can eat a dick and I want to forget it ever happened.

[sheerioswifties]

Hey so um.

I need your help. Everyone's. My battle for justice after the situation I was forced into for the last 5 years (see previous posts under the tag #helpbrynn for more background) and culminating in a viscous attack on me last June by my in-laws/former landlords has become harder and I now have to fight harder.

I'll explain a lot more tomorrow after I'm able to process the newest information I've been given. In brief summary though, Jeanette was arrested and charged with a class C felony (DV/domestic violence) when police had to breach the house that day; her husband Bill had conveniently left the house by that time so despite him being fully complicit in everything that happened, he got away on that technicality (that he was not there when police arrived... that's a whole other battle, trying to have him charged too, but this legal system is making that near impossible, I'd have to convince the police to charge him and they're showing clear bias in favor of these people and have this whole time- somebody please remind me to tell you about the 911 calls just that night as an example). Anyways Jeanette was arrested and charged, shortly jailed, then let out on a bail substitute, a conditional release situation (which included a criminal restraining order that is supposed to protect me from her, but she's violated it at least 3 documented times now and police wouldn't arrest despite that being the terms of the order). I had no say in this to begin with, I can't begin to explain the terror I felt when I heard they'd let her out- she is DANGEROUS and has no problem lying, manipulating, and framing- her m.o.- so yeah, it sucks being the victim, the one who was hurt and whose life was torn apart, property stolen, and rendered homeless; yet I've really had no say, no chance to try to explain all that preceded this event where she finally got caught... since it's the first time she was caught and she's an old white lady with perceived higher socioeconomic status, they're all going easy on her. They're not believing me when I say this was the tip of the iceberg, that there's other crimes I want to report, that this is a demonstrable pattern of behavior that's progressively escalated and she/they will hurt again and worse if they're emboldened once again by getting away with this, just like they bragged they would...

Sorry this is already longer than I meant it to be, again I have a lot to post about that's forthcoming. But I wanted to update you on the legal case. So Jeanette originally had a public defender, then she bought herself a criminal defense lawyer whose own website description paints proud corruption; not to mention the money she's using on this lawyer is owed to me, and so I have none to hire my own lawyer to seek restitution from all this- how messed up is that? Anyways, I've been working with the county prosecutor who was assigned to the case- eerily, her name is Jeannie Bryant (as in the state of WA is represented by Jeannie Bryant against Jeanette (Hazen) Bryant)- yeah. But so I've got all this evidence and background that you'd think would be used to build a case. Even without it though, even with just what the police saw and reported, it's absolutely dead to rights she did the crime and it's a felony. She did it. She was trying to do worse. It seems obvious on its own but then with all I have, it should be a slam dunk. But now I'm hearing that Jeanette and her attorney are seeking a plea bargain which would downgrade her charge to Disorderly Conduct, a misdemeanor. This is unacceptable and yet I've got no say. I can't even hire my own lawyer to plead my case if I had the funds, because this is criminal so it's up to the state to try the case so I've had to hope the assigned prosecutor fights well. But here we now are and there's a lot more but I wanted to update you all and see first of all if anyone out there is an attorney or knowledgeable in the legal arena that may have thoughts or referrals or recommendations. I'm also giving a heads up that since it looks like I will have to get a civil lawyer to help me pursue restitution among all the other things, I'll probably be starting a crowd funding campaign of some sort for that. For reference this is a case being tried in Vancouver, Clark County, Washington State. I know it's a tricky line legally I'm just throwing this out there into the public, especially in case they do end up getting away with this... so yeah. More tomorrow.