#and i'm still emotional thinking abt it bc it means SO MUCH for her to utter that to someone

[lunaetis]

for eden, who is still struggling with her own identity, her meaning of existence, her fate and purpose, and the everchanging role she played in the script, her saying " you are my constant. " to someone has such a deep, gratifying weight to it. this means that person is the only person so deeply rooted to her very core that no matter what had happened, what will happen after, or no matter who she was, who she is, who she might be in the future, you are the only one whose existence would not change in her eyes. to her, that statement is like a fact. so immovable and unchanging. and that makes me emotional every time i think about it.

[welcometogrouchland]

Strategizing my silly show rewatches to see what will produce The Most Emotion in me. And then soundly debating on whether or not that's actually a good idea

[wispurring-moss]

enter part 2, ten days later, wherein i find myself sitting in my therapist's office attempting to explain as unambiguously as possible that i am not, in fact, experiencing a manic episode re: working on this gd animatic & fandom rn hskdbsnssbvgk;;;; x'3c

/trying to obliquely explain to the people around me that i am currently going through the closest thing to a manic episode i've ever experienced re: working on this gd animatic rn

[low-budget-korra]

Let's talk about Jinx

As an older sister myself, Season 1 Jinx infuriated the shit outta me. And some of her stans were so mean to Vi that it only added to this anger I felt.

"but Jinx was traumatized" So was Vi and basically everyone else from Zaun. And I'm not here to diagnose her, I already know that's a lot of people that take Jinx as BPD representation but I don't know if this is official or just a HC but even if she is, that's not an excuse to be mean to people.

Sure, it's something that blurs your judgment and everything, especially when you're having a mental/emotional crisis situation, but still, after everything it's okay, you need to be held accountable for the shit you did. And I'm saying this bc I see a lot of people that hide behind their diagnosis and use them as an excuse to be mean without consequences. Please, don't do this.

And something that I realized was that as soon as Silco was gone, Jinx started to get better. I'm sorry Silco apologists but Silco wasn't a good father figure, as he only fueled Jinx psychosis, insecurities and paranoia, and encouraged her to be okay with murder people and everything he also did.

And gets funnier cuz even Sevika became a better person after Silco was gone

"then why does Jinx still hallucinate Silco as her mentor figure?". Because he was, a bad one for sure but still a mentor figure. Sure, Vander was her father for a longer time but Silco was her father figure during an important and vulnerable part of her life, so it makes sense she still looks for him and maybe doesn't even acknowledge all the bad stuff he did to her.

"but she was only being guided by trauma, just like Caitlyn in season 2". Exactly! Understand why something happens, doesn't mean you have to agree with it.

I've also seen people commenting that Jinx was acting off character, that she was too calm and there were missing the chaotic Jinx from s1. And like bro? Do you care abt the well being of your fav character? Like I've said, she was more calm bc she didn't have anyone in her ears telling her that she was abandoned, that she was right to blow shit and kill ppl...also, the fact that people from Zaun were looking at her and treating her as martyr, also made her see things differently.

Remember Vander's line "when people look up to you, you can't be selfish" and that's why Jinx was just so chill. Isha also played a big part of this, as she became an older sister herself and prob, even unconsciously, started to relate and understand Vi.

Also, sure as hell she didn't die. She just knew Vi would never let her go/or punished by her crimes, and this would create conflict between Vi and Caitlyn, and Caitlyn with Piltover. And I think she saw how much Caitlyn cared for Vi , still in the battlefield after Vi was hurt, and knowing Vi loves Cait, she realized that Vi deserved to have this. She chooses to let go and walk away, a huge ass character development considering she was asking Vi to kill Cait outta of jealousy back in s1.

[yukasyukasyukasyukas]

Random valorant agents headcanons bc I'm sleep deprived

(this means I didn't get my 12 hours of sleep today)

Brimstone

Hugest ally on the VP (which, lets be honest, doesn't mean much since they're all gay)

First person KJ came out to and he was so emotional about it

Constantly tries to get the agents to get closer or at least respect each other but after Cypher mentioned how him and Breach treat one another he gave up

Calls some agents (Viper, Sage and Killjoy) by their first names on the everyday and calls Sova, Chamber and Deadlock (the other ex militars) by their last names

I wanted to hc him an American football team but idk any💞💞💞

Viper

Brimstone and Vyse are the only ones to call her Sabine bc they know her since before the "incident"

KJ also used to call her Sabine before the VP but Viper was bitter abt agents calling her by her first name

Scared for her life of failing Reyna, not because she actually fears her, but because she actually cares about Lucia

Older sister who lost contact with her family

Aroace

Has a snake named Viper that is older than the protocol

Omen

Is annoyed by people mistaking knitting with crochet

Very kind to the younger agents

In his own way though

Killjoy

Has an older sister who doesn't talk to her since she was a teenager

HOW DOES ONE BECOME THE LEAD OF A WHOLE DIVISION ON SUCH A HUGE CORPORATION AT THE AGE OF 18???!$+2+_(not a hc, just a concern)

The fact her dad died before she was born probably has something to do with her closeness to Cypher and Brimstone

Rich af but rents an apartment with another girl and that place is absolutely precarious

Pays the rent monthly even if she doesn't spend a single night there

Has a huge lesbian flag on the living room and that has gotten her very straight roommate into delicate situations with her boyfriends

Her roommate is Brazilian from São Paulo bc I want her to

Very easily impressed by anything Raze does even if it's something she can do a thousand times better

I feel like she would main a duelist if she played val, probably Reyna or Raze

Cypher

Has a picture of his wife and kids on his bedside table

He keeps Nora's favorite clothing and his children's baby toys

Girl dad obv

Killjoy reminds him of his oldest daughter and sometimes he calls her his daughter's name

Hates kingdom but since he joined the protocol he learned how to convive with their workers, even if he doesn't like it most part of the time

Scares little kids on Roblox for fun

Wouldn't mind having a relationship with a man but after Nora he can't imagine himself in another relationship so he doesn't give it a try

(I love him and Nora😭)

Sova

Calls the other agents by their first names

Was friends with Sage since before the protocol

Recommend Sage to Brimstone

One of the only coworkers Viper enjoys the company of

Once he tried to speak Spanish to mess around with Reyna and Raze swore he was speaking Portuguese bc of the accent

Trans bc I want to project into my fav characters

Morning walks

Sage

Calls everyone by their first names

Has two younger siblings but she hasn't had notice of them since she started the monk training

Misses them

Met Skye when researching about her healing powers, Skye was doing the same

Born radiant

Great at cooking but Jett gaslit her into thinking it was bad as a joke and she still believes it

After Harbor joined the VP she got back into cooking

Lesbian bc I said so

Not much close to the other women in the protocol, only Skye, Jett, Neon and Reyna

Closer to the men on the VP (Sova, Brimstone, Cypher, Iso, Omen etc)

Doesn't have a clue of why Clove doesn't like her

Phoenix

Nerd

This man is a canon theater kid, he absolutely LOVES musicals, specially Hamilton and Jett and Raze tease him Abt being British and liking it

Bi

For some reason Jett gaslights him into thinking he's actually gay, obviously never worked

Him and Jett break up for the most ridiculous reasons, they've already broken up more times than one can count on fingers

Banned from every kitchen he steps on

Learned Korean só Jett would shut up about her being bilingual while he only spoke English

Once he let Astra undo his dreads to give him braids, it was the saddest day of his life

Raze bullies him for his style💔💔💔💞

Jett

Can cook five stars dinners but insists on eating leftovers she finds on the fridge and steals from the other agents

Doesn't dare touching Chamber's "monstrosities of dishes"

Makes people their favorite dinner and a special breakfast on their birthdays

Cooks for the whole protocol on weekends

Most my hc surround on the fact she's always eating something and was a chef😔

Gaslights everyone into believing the most random and/or stupid things and has actually convinced Gekko that dog is a common dish in east Asia

First thing she asks every east Asian she meets outside of east Asia is if they eat dog

Sage was mad at her for this

Also bi

Reyna

Actually very caring and worried for most agents

Siblings relationship with Yoru

Randomly starts speaking Spanish to Sage just to annoy her

Learned Chinese just to mess around with Sage

Lesbiana

Flirts with Breach as a joke

Iso actually believed she and Breach were a couple when he arrived

Homophobic to Raze and Killjoy

Non ironically has offered to find Raze a better girlfriend than Killjoy

Wants to be a mother but can't because of her duties and Sage doesn't like children

Raze

BRAZILIPPINES

Hugest anarcocomunist

Grafitti artist

Has sent Kingdom, Killjoy and Viper dozens of blackmails before joining the protocol

Didn't like Killjoy for her first years in the protocol

Boombot was created as a "rebellion" from Killjoy's tech with an alarmbot that Kingdom placed near her house

Has a younger brother who is her absolutely whole world

Capoeira.

Breach

Actually speaks Portuguese very well

Dad jokes

Hates children and the only exception is Raze's younger brother

Please please please please please read the joke I posted😭

Didn't get along with Deadlock nor Chamber at first

Gets along well with Cypher, Harbor and Fade

Likes men and makes it everyone's business and is very annoying to homophobes about it (bi)

Has kissed Harbor once just to see the look of terror on a homophobic guy's eyes

Skye

Lesbian

Owes a personal gun that she uses to scare bigots and idiots in general

Was guilty about rejecting Yoru

Still is very close to him

Skyelock beloved

The ship name should be changed to Hiking Buddies or something

Can make a cat with her powers and it plays with Nightmare when it's starting to affect Fade too much

Closer to Fade than most agents think

Morning walks with Sova and Deadlock

Yoru

Has a huge knowledge on east Asian culture in general

Speaks ainu and a little uchinaguchi

Values culture and tradition more than his life

Constantly educating Jett on Korean traditions???

Mansplains a lot

Neon (single) teases him for being single

Has the "lesbian curse" in which every woman he likes is a lesbian and it's starting to develop into an "aroace curse"

Homophobic to Killjoy

Misogynist to Killjoy

everything you can think that is bad against Killjoy

And Reyna is with him on these

Astra

Pansexual

Nerd on physics

Knows a lot about quantum physics

That was me projecting, sorry

I need more astra content to make more headcanons 😔😔😔

Galaxsea/ astrarbor/ Neptune/ sea star

Born radiant

KAY/O

Doesn't actually have feelings, he's just programmed to make humans feel loved (besides, obviously, being a war machine)

It was a way of keeping the non radiant soldiers hopeful during the radiant war

He's a robot, of course he doesn't have feelings

Killjoy is absolutely fascinated by him and wonders if it was her who built him or at least made his project

The "hatred" he has for the radiants is also a way of keeping the non radiants feeling safe and appreciated

Sage is the exception from his radiant hatred because she's always appeared to be against Reyna's radiant dominant ideal world and he read that as a powerful ally to his cause

He's AI ofc he's gonna be a little dumb even though he's from like 2060

Chamber

I refuse to

Does he like men?

Was homophobic to Killjoy and Raze when they started dating and to Sage and Reyna

Was actually homophobic

Turned out he likes men???

I'm confused

I don't like him

Neon

BRAZILIPPINES

She probably knew Killjoy before the VP or at least heard about her not as an professional but as a person

Definitely likes women

Since she became a radiant at such a young age and os so powerful there were probably lots of accidents

Was mostly isolated from the outside for a long time before the thing that is sticked to her back was finished

That'd explain why she doesn't like making new friends, she doesn't know how to

Knows a lot of stuff involving quantum physics and science since her parents work at kingdom and she has worked with them

Fade

Constantly found sleeping on the floor

Sometimes she leaves Nightmare out of her bedroom to get a peaceful night of sleep

Goes to sleep on about the same time Skye is waking up

Fadelock goes hard too

You'll rarely see her awake but when you do she looks like she hasn't slept in a decade

Doesn't actually sleep, just take 30 min naps throughout the day

Took a while to stop calling Harbor "agent Batra" during missions

I just checked and that is lore inaccurate but idc

Likes men and women, never stopped to think of it as "oh, I'm lgbt" that's just one more small detail about her

Had a cat that her brother gave her when she was a kid, it died of kidney failure a few years before she joined realm

Harbor

History and architecture nerd

Also a philosophy enthusiast

Has a tattoo that says "Memento mori et memento vivere" and that's what caught Astra's attention at first

Him and Astra spend a lot of time just nerding around

He's very caring yet not much protective to the younger agents

Randomly throws water at people who walk by

Breach and Deadlock learned on the hardest way not to be around him with a glass of water

Calls Fade Hazel because at first he thought that was how it was and never corrected it

Older brother of two sister

Pansexual

Gekko

Grafitti artist

Is an only child but is very close to the children is his neighborhood

Gay

That guy looks so gay I'm gonna cry

Has a dog named Lizard

Him and Raze talk to each other in Spanish and Portuguese and it's an absolute nightmare for others to decifrate their alien language

Asked Sage if people actually eat dogs in Asia and was punished for a week, Reyna had lots of fun

Jett still teases him about it

She told Iso about that and every time Gekko asks him what he's eating he says it's dog

Him and Deadlock are actually chill about each other for as long as one doesn't cross the other's boundaries when it comes to his radivores

Deadlock

This woman doesn't have a drop of heterosexuality on her body

She thought she liked Iso but it turned out he was just the only one not asking her to get along with radivores and radiants

Hates when she's called by her first name

Skye, Sage and Sova call her Iselin or Ise

Lost contact with her family and legally got rid of her last name Legally got rid of her last name as a way to try to protect her parents from potential threats related to her missions (edited bc apparently Frøya and Anna were indeed Iselin's sisters and I was too stupid to notice)

Fadeskyelock(?)

Used to go on lots of missions involving radivores before the VP but after the polar bear she didn't trust herself near them again

Graduated in biology

She wanted to be a scientist when she was a kid

Used to be obsessed about radivores and radiance before the bear

Iso

Can't cook for his life

Used to think he liked Deadlock but it was just compulsory heterosexuality

Aroace

Not much close with most agents but Sage and Deadlock

Him and Raze are absolute nightmares to go in mission with, those mfs listent to music so loud they can't hear anything else

KJ was scared of him

Only listens to music that are on languages he doesn't speak

Raze showed him Brazilian funk and he started listening to it during missions

Clove

Don't give a shit if they're misgendered

The pet rock is to throw at those who insist that they're a woman even after they correct them

Sleeps the whole day and is awake during the whole night

Immortal, queer, sleeps during the day... Are they a vampire?!

Randomly dresses up fancy and stays on that fit for the whole day, they can be seen wearing a suit during missions in breeze

Spends all their time awake doing unproductive stuff

Vyse

Was a physicist and later got into engeneering

She can't really remember those last years before the scions took her

Was took by the scions by Omen but none of them know

Doesn't like Iso

Her and Viper used to be very close friends, their friendship cou be compared to Jett and Phoenix's, they were very spontaneous

The "incident" was something involving her but no one really remember how it was

Ace

Had a cat named Jaguar

[lungthief]

Just discovered your Klema situationship art I'm enthralled

eee thank you :') it means so much to me that people are enjoying it, their dynamic is my absolute favorite to write/draw and i adore them as characters

tbh it was one of those things that began as a joke and then made a lot of sense to me once i started actually thinking about it—like ema and klavier both strike me as the kind of people who are pretty cavalier about physical intimacy but very guarded when it comes to emotional intimacy, so yknow. having a coworkers-with-benefits relationship would come easily as a sort of begrudging “they’re hot and it’s convenient and i don’t have to worry about all the messy emotional stuff because we agreed we don’t want that” thing (and in klavier’s case he doesn’t have to worry abt ulterior motives or whatever bc ema straight up Does Not Give A Shit that he’s famous and dislikes him quite a bit at the beginning) and also like. they both could use some stress relief lbr

anyway i think it’d be really interesting to see these two people—one of whom wears a very flirty, outgoing facade and another who is outwardly very prickly and jaded—slowly realize that they both have a bit of a kindred loneliness about them and actually develop a friendship out of something that was intended to be entirely perfunctory. especially after the events of AJ i mean holy shit talk about bonding over Sibling Issues

for ema specifically i think there’s initially a lot resentment toward klavier in terms of his success (prosecutor at 17/got a famous defense attorney slash friend of hers disbarred/international rockstar) and her own perceived lack thereof (failing to become a forensic scientist) which kind of weirdly drives her to start the whole thing in the first place after klavier repeatedly indicates that he’s attracted to her—like “well he may have done all these impressive things but he still wants me desperately despite how openly inimical i’ve been to him so he’s not above me” which like. first of all girl go to therapy but second of all her perspective then can shift a lot over time when she gets to know him little by little and finds out that he also has a lot of horrific insecurities and considers himself kind of a fuck-up and is crumbling quite a bit under the weight of everything

also it is just like. inherently very funny. like you know they absolutely do not advertise this arrangement literally at all so any time anyone else finds out that they were sleeping together at one point it completely alters that person’s perception of reality

anyway all this to say love them love messy fucked up characters with messy fucked up baggage and intimacy issues sorry for writing a literal dissertation about this. I Care Them

[horizon-verizon]

Now I did not watch the new S2 episode. I'm hearing abt it from people who have. And pretty much all the leaks were authentic regarding B&C.

I wrote abt the Sophie's Choice of bk!Helaena in the bk!B&C HERE, when someone asked me abt it. The other unserious things abt Blood & Cheese of HotD is that in the bk:

the psychological torture Helaena goes thru could either be Cheese trying to have fun (unlikely, they were on a "timer") OR it is Daemon reverting, perverting, etc. Rhaenyra's loss--Rhaenyra was not there to witness Lucerys or even be able to have his remains....Helaena will participate in her own son's murder, so to speak

bk!Cheese was very knowledgesble abt where to go and how, which tunnels to use...which is why he was chosen in the first place and why his "job "profession" (ratcatcher) is so important, bc these guys know where to lay traps in hidden places for rats -> to make as if Cheese is ignorant as to how to lead Blood into the castle makes as if Daemon was more incompetent and careless than either have been canonically shown to be, even when they are angry or aggrieved

also, regarding show!Helaena giving offering her necklace and very quickly pointing out which kid was a boy as if she could not wait to abandon Jaehaerys while bk!Helaena offered her very life before she was forced to choose any kid is just disrespectful not only to her intelligence but neurodivergent people. Esp since if we argue she had some sort of autism or what have you. To rely on one's neurodivergence to explain why they--compared to the book where she was more active--didn't take that action is a cop out and is almost a generalization. Please. Again, she's supposedly a dreamer and has had access to such dreams since her preteen yrs in the show, so it's likely she had known what was going to happen in this moment if she also had known abt "beast beneath the boards", "spiders (the war)", etc. No HotD didn't show us more moments exactly proving that, but since they also had her do absolutely nothing with those visions like the original Cassandra actually tried to do, no one can tell me it didn't happen. In fact, I can say it's bc she never actually does anything with her dreams (and therefore we'll never really know if she had B&C "dreams" so I can cont with this hypothetical, as its likelihood is stronger than it should have been) that I can say that even her own kids dying doesn't seem to faze her enough to make a plan of sorts to herself? Or to be able to think as she tried in the bk when they forced her to choose. Show!Helaena has "dreams" (they aren't even dragon dreams) but unlike Cassandra, she does nothing with them. Again, it very likely B&C appeared to her in her so-called "dreams", she does what she always does--nothing...but not only does she finally decide to do something, she thought a fucking necklace would help her or her kids and this is as much as we get for her in this show? We had the opp to display a fuller character apart from her emotional remove and suggestion of prophecy, and when we do, we only see her like this? They traveled all this way, risked getting caught and viciously executed, to kill ONE mutherfucking child, and these writers really thought that it was a good idea to have Helaena do this, think this would work even an iota? No, all this was such lazy, cheap writing bc the writers decided that her just having visions made up for her small character in the orig tale and that they didn't have to do else for her--they started and left her half done, it seems. Let's say the B&C dream never appeared to her; this is till the writers taking away the agency I already described above in the link---Helaena is a nothing character whose dreams still mean nothing to no one expect people who want to feel smart the way it exists in the show itself. Helaena has always been a victim, but they made her more abominably victimized...as I already said they do HERE & HERE. She's just around, waiting to be abused by the script and those around her for plot convenience's sake. There is no substance or personhood to her, she is only a purpose.

So, love that for Ryan. Seemed lukewarm.

But what did anyone expect, seeing as the same writers responsible for Aemond's "accident" (having tried for months to convince us that this was exusable even with it not being his intention to kill), for Alicent sincerely forgiving Rhaenyra after she had been on her ass and abusing her and her kids (and threatening their lives) for years and almost stabbing out Luke's eye, for Rhaenyra somehow being so affected by a stupid ass page of Nymeria (of all people!, you made Alicent pull out this page of a woman who lead armies to conquest as a consummate leader in her own right, who lead said armies to make sure her people survived, in order to dissuade Rhaenyra from fighting for what she sees as her birthright/designated seat of power and to also make sure her family/unit survives?!) to derail her from really confronting any of them in battle...🤷🏿‍♂️

[msp9]

THIS IS MY LIKES AND DISLIKES OF CHAOS THEORY ⚠️Spoilers below cut⚠️

When i first finished this season, I too like some people, was skeptical about it. I get why some people say its bad, I just thought it was very different from cc. At points the characters didin't feel like themsleves, the way some of them were written and the designs gave me a real hard time to get used to them. Also i felt as if it was just too much to process at times so i rewatched it and my final answer is that its a good show the pacing is incredeble, the plot, the suspence and character development. i just had a hard time getting used to everything new? Ig. I'm still doubting whether its a 10 but sure thing is that it was a very good first season its a easy 9/10. So here are the thinks i liked abt it:

-THE WAY THEY POTRAYED EVERYONES TRAUMA/STRUGGLES , Sammy having anxiety, Yaz overcoming her ptsd, and KENJI. MY BOY. That must have been the best breakdown i've seen in animated series. Whoever wrote that scene. Wow. It was the best thing in the whole show honestly. His vision gtting blurry, having truble breathing. The panick. Wow. I CANNOT SAY THIS LOUD ENOUGH.

-Ben and Sammy duo? Hello? Im srry to say but you might just be better than Yaz and Ben duo. Idk i really loved them.

- "Benjamin."

- Showing Yaz is doing better. Despite her ongoing struggles, she has clearly grown and matured the last 6 years, and the way she calmed Sammy in the sinking van? Ig all those therapy sessions and college paid off. That scene is a clear illustration of the progress she has made. I mean sammy did say "i can tell shes still struggling" but there wasnt really a clear scene of her getting stuck in place as she used to. So my guess is that it was just Sammys anxiety and the fact that they didint talk much. Bc then Sammy was surprised how she kept herselve together. So yeah

-YASAMMY. NOTHING MORE TO ADD.

-UM SAMMYS CHARACTER?? HELLO? GLOW UP, CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, i loved her sm. She moved up to my top 3.

And her anxiety? It was so well shown too

-the fight between Sammy and Yaz felt so natural and not at all forced. They both had valid points and in the end they did understand each other and were on the same page.

-Ben being Ben in almost every episode

- Yasmina's "boo."

-Brooklynns design?? Majestic to say the least.

- ingore what i said ealrier abt the acting out of character. They do remind themsleves they just grew

Well, all except Ben...

-Kenjis new voice actor, he did a real good job, as much as it doesn't sound like him, he really captured some emotional scenes very well.

- The robot lady. THEY REALLY SAID TAKE A WOMAN AND MAKE HER CREEPY ASF. I was genunanly creeped out. And the detail that at the ranch if u listen closesly u can hear the whistle. Hell nah that was scary.

-Benrius Ben and Darius friendship, okay actually u can't tell me u didint feel it too, the tention between ben and Darius cmon we all know what u are Ben stop making up girlfriends in Europe

-Brooklynn turning bad, or from what we are told worked for bad people ig. Personally as much as it shocked me, im sure theres a good reason as to why and i cant wait to hear more abt in season 2.

-I can now undertand what everyone meant in reviews saying "its more mature" not only in the more death and dinos but it woyud be kind of confusing for a younger audience to undertsand some stuff in this show.

-I really liked Daniels kon death, maybe it wasn't necesarry but im all in for that dark death scene.

-Lastly the comment Sammy makes when Ben asks how bumpy got pregnant, and the yazs smirk. Gurl i was suprised they added that but i loved it

Now, the things that i didint like and why:

- First of all, Darius being in love with brooklynn. I mean i get it but i also dont get it. In my opinion, there shouldn't have been a different reason as to why Darius was the most effected by her death. They were close and she died. Its okay to be really effected by someones death and not bc u liked them, and i also do believe that the reason for him not showing up the night she "died" should have been smth more serious. Then again i get it bc now he felt a lot more guilt bc it was for a not so important reason he didint show up and thats why he didint tell anyone. Well axtually it isnt that bad, but i just felt it was forced for the plot. This again could be bc i started to like kenlynn and now they turned the tables completly but sure.

-Brooklynns voice actor. I just couldn't connect her to brooklynn? She sounded a lot different, not a major bad thing it was just hard to get used to.

-Ben having a gf, or supposedly having one, u telling me this man has a gf:

I thought it funny but yk that man is a homosexual

- and lastly, Brooklynn being alive. This might sound bad but it made sense for her to die. And i was kinda lamed out that she wasnt dead. (Pls ironically enough, just weeks ago i begged for her to be alive.) But like the way everyone suffered bc of her death, going throught the 5 stages of grief, and the way the show was played. It just would have been better if she died, all those flashbacks, the emotional moments, i mean its not gonna be the same when i rewatch it bc i know shes alive. Anyways enough abt this.

Actually i have nothing more to add to my "bad stuff" list but i might come up with smth later. Bc i will be rewatchibg it obviously. Ig lastly i just wanted more episodes how dare they cutting the season of right there.

[softestkabru]

I think Fleki and Mithrun could be close friends into Mithrun's retirement

Theres an extra where Fleki talks abt staying with Mithrun on Melini like Helki stays with Milsiril but she gets talked out of it bc he's like "it will not be exciting I'm not planning on having adventures. Im going to make noodles and be retired. Plus you'll be stuck hanging around a bunch on non-elves" and Fleki's like 🤢 nvm ur right

But like, thats so fucking cute. She'd like his live-in, burnout, non-niece on Melini for the next 200 years or whatever

Thinking abt a "10 years later" kind of deal where Mithrun's canary squad comes to visit him and they tease him kindly about how much he's changed (he smiles a lot, he's a bit chubby, he's really domestic w/ kabru, he has an eye prosthetic that actually fits,he's very kind to them) and Fleki almost starts crying because she's so emotional about seeing Mithrun happy and recovering and she's like "i'm sorry we tease you so much, I'm sorry we were so mean to youuuu we should have been nicer 😭 you kept us safe and we didn't even care" and Mithrun is like "I know, Fleki, it's ok. You all kept me safe too and I'm grateful for that" and he invites them for a nice dinner at his and Kabru's home and they talk about how the queen doesn't really know what to do with the former canary prisoners so she's been trying to pair them off with their wardens to just have normal lives which has been going...... not completely great

So their Melini visit goes by and at the end of it, Mithrun asks Fleki if she'd like to stay with them and he tells her it's ok if she doesnt want to because it will be boring and he'll expect her to behave herself and she'd be seperating from Lycion (her bestie/ emotional support whore) and she cries and is grateful and has to think about it but she comes to say yes because being an socially outcast elf is a hard and long life and her future back there is so uncertain and Mithrun and Kabru have enough faith in her to offer her a place in their home and lives and she never thought anyone would ever give her that much credit again.

So, it's not always easy (i can imagine her getting on Kabru's nerves a bit) but she keeps Mithrun company when Kabru is away on business and that's very important to Kabru. Senshi comes around from time to time and teaches her how to cook so she makes meals for their house. She of course still has her crow familiar and is good with other larger birds of prey (she could get into falconing as a hobby) and Lycion comes to visit every once in awhile and theyre still close.

This got a lil long but i was floating around in my pool for an hour thinking abt this and for rlly emotional abt it :')

[lunicho]

Saw this on another blog and wanted to send it to you too ☺️

Pick any 5 moots and describe them using 3 words! <3

ooh this is so cute, i love when ppl ask me to talk abt my moots cuz i love bragging about them!! the hard part is picking 5 moots to do this with hmm

@adoresol - passionate, honest, and devoted. i have actually been good friends with her for a good like four years now i think omg so there's many words to describe her but i think these are the best ones for now. she feels deeply and is very genuine in her emotions which is something i admire about her. she's also extremely honest, i love this about her because if i ask her something she'll be straight up with me. she's also very devoted bc like why is she still my friend LMAOOO she's so loyal and just like!?!?!?!?!?!??! my pookie wookie bear fr, i've told her so much cheesy corny shit abt how i feel abt our friendship so i'll spare y'all

@kissohee - its so hard to describe her with just three words! but i would say chaotic, lovable, and genuine. i never feel stress when talking to her and we've grown comfortable with one another quite quickly. i think we just have had this connection from the beginning and she just made me so so comfortable. she's also so loveable like im gonna hold her hand fr she's so cute. and she's so genuine, i always feel that she means everything that she says and it makes me even more comfy with her. she's also just like me we're both so random and we both talk a lot so its the perfect pace for me. the convos are always so fast like idk if ppl would be able to keep up with us and how much we switch topics LMAO but yeah! i hope that we just get closer and closer in the future and that she's always happy <3 (also open-minded would be a rlly good one for her but only her and i know why and that's the way its gonna stay LMAO)

@sminiac - saiii!!! i never include her in my moots posts so i wanted to this time :3! i'm gonna say kind, inviting, and adorable. she's literally so so kind, everytime i send smth or interact with her she's like "my dearest bunny!" AND IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY SO SO HAPPY!! she's always so sweet to me and like idk smth abt her is just so adorable. plus her blog rn is so adorable i love the layout. i do still get anxious to send too much stuff and things like that but ur so so welcoming and inviting that ik im always welcome but im scared to be annoying LMAOGDJ. i hope we can yap more and more abt 8turn tgt and just chat some more!!

@bubblegyu00 - energetic, humorous, and chatty,, our convos are extremely fast paced and go on for the entire day. i'm always laughing at smth or we're always losing it over smth someone did (usually a zb1 member or nicho tbh). she's energetic and keeps up with my pace and i do the same with hers. she also makes me laugh which is why i said she's humorous. we're always going on and on abt the same 3 things yet we never get tired of it like its gonna eat every single time PLS. BUT YEAH she's super fun, her nonnie to friend storyline is very very iconic and i love that for her. can't wait to keep screaming about kyungmin over and over <33

@xhdream - we've started to talk in the dms now and dinna's such a sweet girlie :(. i would describe her as easy-going, charming, and friendly. dinna's sooo so cute and always so sweet to me and she has been since the beginning. talking to her has been so fun so far cuz she's very approachable and she engages in the conversation so so much. our time difference is very big so we have to catch each other at a specific time but it's worth it everytime. there's just something about her that's so fun and so kind and that's why i said she's charming. her and her blog just have this good and sweet energy that i really really enjoy <3

[brechtian]

hey so ik you JUST got an ask about the waves but. can i ask about the waves too

okay so virginia woolf is like FAMOUS for her feminist novels and to me it almost seems like the waves is the odd one out. i just reread it (and annotated, and underlined, and highlighted, and tabbed, and pronounced it one of my favorite books because HOW COULD YOU NOT ITS SO WONDERFUL AND THOUGHT-PROVOKINGG AND POETIC) and although i love it the female characters seem to have more stereotypically feminine roles. i checked the introduction of my copy (intro by molly hite) and saw that it said "The Waves did not offer such exemplary female characters or themes: Indeed, it gave its female characters stereotypical feminine persuits, while its male characters were writers and also active in the public sphere."

there wasn't much elaboration in the intro however (i might be wrong about this though, i lowkey hate reading introductions it's my fatal flaw i'm sorry) except that later on feminists re-examined the waves and looked at subtext. (like how rhoda is a lesbian icon now bc of the mrs lambert passage)

but still, susan is housewife and mother, a stereotypically feminine role (i adore susan but analyzing characters sometimes means discarding some emotional connection for me) and jinny is the romantic sensualist. idk i love jinny and susan but yk i'm just thinking about their roles specifically regarding gender roles HELP IDK I'M PROBABLY MAKING A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF RN AND AM MISUNDERSTANDING SMTH REALLY MAJOR IM SORRY

i was just wondering your thoughts on this?? i mean i just stumbled across your tumblr a few days ago from this other (kind of boring but likes-the-waves-too) blog and you seem to have really interesting opinions abt the waves !! no pressure to respond obv

Hi!! I’m about to get on a plane to London so I will see if I’m able to get all my thoughts out in time. I’ll begin by saying that I’ve read a fairly considerable body of scholarship surrounding the waves, but none of that was particularly feminism-focused scholarship (it was primarily formalism, biographical crit, and analyses of spirituality, science, & metaphysics in the novel with some post colonialism thrown in), so most of this is based off of my personal analysis and discussions I’ve had with my Virginia Woolf professor. I actually love the women in The Waves, but I think a pivotal starting point is the understanding that all of the characters in The Waves function as concepts and ideas first and as actual people second. With that said, I think it is notable that there is not a female artistic/scholarly presence in the book beyond the vaguely mentioned, never-named woman writing in her room (often viewed as being Woolf herself). Originally The Waves included a narrator character that was female and felt very much like a stand-in for Woolf, and I wonder if that was meant to sort of be the female writer/intellectual presence in the novel but got cut to make the book cleaner. Regardless, each of the women are functioning both as archetypes and commentary on their archetypes.

Jinny is probably the least obviously a critique, but I think you definitely very clearly still get it in some moments where she links sexuality and sensuality with violence and objectification.

I also read some criticism that discusses how Jinny as a character can be seen as combatting the solipsism in the book by conveying the possibility and beauty of living physically in one’s own being & that the flesh cannot be ignored, finding a kind of power and importance in the female body (which feels very cixous second wave feminism). Overall, though, I think it’s a discredit to Woolf to not view Jimmy as an explicit examination of her archetype.

Rhoda & Susan are my girls and my favorite characters in the entire novel. If Susan is not just the most brilliant and breathtaking critique of the wife-mother expectation of women of the time what is. One of the most heartbreaking passages in the entire book to me is when Susan, who found freedom and joy in nature and movement and being one with the outside world (exacerbated by continuous connections between her and animals & nature), is confined to moving exclusively between the rooms of her house. She even immediately evokes the image of the dead mother as she goes. (Additionally, the end of this passage gets into post-colonialist critique, as Susan clearly symbolizes the upper-middle class white women who stayed at home as their husbands colonized India/Africa and directly benefitted from & supported colonization even if they were not actively violently participating)

Susan also holds so so so much anger, like violent fury, the exact opposite of what one would expect from the perfect housewife, and her motherhood is portrayed really as something more animalistic than anything. I also love that her husband is like completely irrelevant to both her and the book; even though becoming a housewife is a horrible restraint placed upon her I think Woolf is playing with expectations by the husband being a nameless shadow and just a vehicle for Susan to get her child (AND functioning as a commentary on the absence of men’s presence and aid in the domestic sphere). I think knowing about Woolf’s opinion of motherhood (continued horror & fascination by it) and her complex feelings surrounding her sister’s motherhood rly adds to understanding why Susan is Like That and so fierce in her nurturing. I also love the passage early on where Susan talks about crumpling the calendar pages in balls and discarding them, her vengeant war against time itself.

RHODA!!! I’m literally getting a Rhoda tattoo that’s my girl my girl!!!!!!! She is psychosis she is transcendence and isolation and mirrors and the waves itself my god. Rhoda is the moon tarot Rhoda is Inland Empire from disco elysium. There is a very fragile membrane between the characters of the waves and Something Larger (my whole capstone paper was on occult spirituality in the waves and my planned future masters thesis will be on ghosts and souls in Woolf’s work), maybe God or the Universe but symbolized in the novel as the ocean of which the characters function as individual waves, but Rhoda is the one for whom this membrane is the most frayed. I honestly don’t know if I have much to say about Rhoda from a feminist perspective other than I find her fascinating and that while I don’t usually encourage overly biographical readings of Woolf it becomes very very apparent if you know Woolf’s diaries and letters well that Rhoda is a mirror of Woolf’s own periods of poor mental health. I guess it relates in that to me Rhoda is of course a woman because she is the most explicitly connected to Woolf herself (in Hermione Lee’s biography, she presents the reading of each of the characters of the waves as members of the Bloomsbury group and Rhoda is picked out as the Woolf parallel. I don’t agree with this reading but it is significant to me how immediately Rhoda is identifiable with Woolf). Okay I’m about to board my flight but if you want to talk any more about the waves or have more specific questions about anything I said let me know!!!

RHODA YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS!!!

[iwoszareba]

so that diamond ‘thoughts abt your character’ thing. I enjoy writing the clown man so every KC I feel I have decent enough grasp on gets a hot take. 

we are going with Knave as a companion bc that's the easiest option

I'm so sorry if you did not want to hear from him, some of his opinions are real garbage @dujour13 @commander-lariel @turbulentpumpkin43 @silversiren1101 @lairiend @angrygoatwoman @dmagedgoods @offsidekineticist @vulpineix @desnas @cassynite @spyridonya @undyingembers

Siavash

He is disgustingly sweet. And you think to yourself 'I can be a responsible adult and cut my sugar intake' but then you see that cookie box on the table and what are you supposed to do? Not take one? Or two? Or a dozen? I hate him. He is fun.

Lariel

She just radiates fear seemingly unprompted? Someone should get that fixed. For the sake of the crusade or something. Don't look at me, I don't know how nor am I inclined to. If the decision was up to me I would release the storm inside her to see what happens.

Zrise

He is so sour! And angry! Trying to get respect by being the meanest dog in the neighbourhood. But his bite matches his bark so it's all fine. And hey, I'm an honest fellow of honest pleasures so he can bite me any time he wants.

Ariadne

She is a hoot! Not many things in this world more exciting than a good explosion. And she provides those in spades. Surprisingly she also seems to like me? The other shoe will drop eventually I'm sure but for now I can just enjoy what we have.

Mino

I know she has chaos at her core, you can see it leak sometimes and it's glorious. But instead of indulging in it, it's like she's made an oath to try to be boring at all costs. Do you think it's Regill's influence? Can boring rub off on another person? What a terrifying thought.

Agria

This lady is on fire! Metaphorically I mean, I think she may end up burning herself, also metaphorically. But I have to admit I do enjoy watching the flames go higher (metaphorically and literally) so I'm here for it. Look at her go!

Oleander

Don't tell him this, I don't want him to start thinking I'm a possible convert but if I reeeeeeeally had to choose a god to worship it would be Lamashtu. I like to think we monster types have an understanding. Even when he is being all nice like a freak.

Salvadore

I feel like I'm supposed to hate him and I kinda do. Angel man with a stick up his ass. But then he does something unexpected and it's like: woah! Where did that come from? I'm begging you to show me more. I'm at the edge of my seat.

Theoven

Such a funny little guy! Like a cart on the path to a disaster no matter which track he picks. Honestly that's plenty enjoyable. And he has so much emotion in him, he should let loose more often! I can hardly believe he is related to Regill of all people.

Luthais

What a wet blanket of a person. Could you give us a single emotion? No? Okaaaaay I can drag something out of you but I don't think you will like it! Seriously, he is a piece of work. I get that he is doomed by the narrative but he could at least try to be funny about it.

Taro

Have you ever met someone who looks at a wild beast and thinks they can turn it into a friendly critter? I think that's how they look at me and it's extremely funny. But I can play along for a little while, why not. Watch me be the freakiest little azata.

Sparrow

She is like a box locked in a box locked in a box locked… You get the idea. I don't know what's at her core and at this point I'm not sure it's worth the effort. I'm still gonna try to get her riled up whenever possible. What else is there to do?

Kadira

It's comforting to see someone who got fucked up by Areelu just as bad. I think she should get angrier about it but hey. Good for her for having a semblance of emotional stability. Or maybe it's just an act? It would be fun to see her spiral. I mean that affectionately.

Lenarius/Leonosa

Not only is he all prim and proper but he also does not get annoyed easily. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with her! I guess I have to try harder? Really backing me into a corner here. Sigh. Maybe I should just kick back and take it easy.

[koukouture]

Hello please perceive my Azem OC

Okay thabk ye for looking at her I will now ramble abt her under the cut

So Lucifer's whole deal is that she inspired Emet Selch a lot as his senior. Like, his theatrical nature largely comes from her and so did quite a lot of his ideals. That is to say, we should be glad that Lucifer didn't survive the sundering bc uh... that would have been messy. I mean she'd be super unpredictable and she just generally has very off-putting vibes.

She's Emet Selch and Hythlodaeus' senior- not by a lot but enough that she still kind of sees them as kids/younger siblings lmao. She always used to kind of baby them... much to Emet Selch's chagrin lmao.

Anyways ON our dearest Emet Selch-

He puts her on an unrealistically high pedestal to kinda parallel how everyone holds impossibly high standards for WoL. See, the thing is, he probably shouldn't have put her up on such a high pedestal because she's highkey a sociopath. Yeah uh, he knows and elects to ignore it. Emet and Hyth both think they can fix her and yk what good for them but they look like a fuckin construction crew lol.

I'm only slightly exaggerating when I say that Emet got all of his problems from her. Like A LOT of his Solus persona comes from Lucifer. Like it's not healthy at all lmao. He is imitating her as a (fucked up) form of love and also to remember her. His love for theatrics and the arts? Lucifer. Fat fucking liar? Lucifer. Sadism? Lucifer. General apathy and/or detachment? LUCIFER. Seriously the degree to which he looks up to her you would think she was a SAINT. Something something, when someone dies you only try to remember the good things about them.

As for Hythlodaeus, at least he's aware that something is wrong with her and actually wants to help her. Emet kind of just bought into the persona she put up and while Hyth did to an extent as well, he tries to dig deeper.

Hyth has actually seen Lucifer be vulnerable, but only sort of. Honestly, Hyth is the therapist friend oftentimes to his own detriment. He gives that vibe to me. And about Lucifer being vulnerable; it's not exactly her unloading her sad baggage (bc you best believe she has it) but it's more of her being a little more honest about the fact that she just doesn't feel anyway about anything. She is very self aware about that whole thing but she also struggles with whether or not all of the stuff she says while putting up her act is genuine.

To an extent, Lucifer did genuinely care for those in her circle. She genuinely liked being around Hyth and Emet, and she genuinely respected Venat as her mother/teacher figure. It's just that she's never really honest with them, you know? Listen, Emet, Hyth, and Lucifer have been friends since they were teenagers but if you asked either of them any questions about her that go deeper than the surface you would get nothing. Lucifer on the other hand, despite her troubles with empathy and general emotions, is a little too good at recognizing what makes people tick. She is kind of a piece of shit in this regard because she will use that knowledge.

She uses this knowledge to gain favor with others, to get information, and even to preserve herself. Venat especially is really good at recognizing this and it's something they tried to work on when she took Lucifer under her wing. Key word tried bc you'd best believe when she deserted the Convocation during the Final Days she guilt tripped Emet to hell and back.

One other thing about her I want to highlight is that Venat, Hyth, and Emet are her moral compass. Not exactly in the "I love you and I will follow you" type way, but in the "oh okay you don't like it when I do this" type of way. She has no real concept of right or wrong nor cares much for the moral codes of others, she just kind of cares about how it makes her look and if it'll make her fit in.

Like, maybe she creates a concept and it's dangerous. She doesn't see a problem with it unless Hyth or Emet go "Hey girlypop, this is a little fucked up" and then she'll do a complete 180 and be like "oh haha yeah I guess it is" but she won't destroy the concept. Because why would she? A little personal project won't hurt anyone...

As you can probably tell by now, she is not the ideal person to be Azem. But of course, nobody actually knows what's going on in her noggin and by virtue of being very likable and appearing to enjoy helping other people (it's really just her trying to copy normal human behavior) to the average outsider. Does the Convocation think she's messed up? Yeah, they're not blind- but they think she's just depressed/despondent or something not that she's a high-functioning sociopath.

Now, given all of the above information, we should all be happy it was Emet Selch who survived the Sundering because Lucifer would be much worse. I think out of their little trio, Emet was actually the most merciful outcome because I also think Hyth has the capacity to be a terrifying villain. Dude just think about it; you could either have the sociopath, the one that attaches his entire identity to his friends (who would be dead in this scenario so where does that leave him) or the guys who's just a little grumpy. Shockingly enough, Emet is the most well adjusted one in this polycule. And that is saying a lot.

Lucifer would be worse than Emet because hey, at least Emet has something resembling a moral compass and only works to restore the status quo and get all his friends back. Lucifer? She'd do it for the hell of it. Everyone guiding her morals is fucking gone, what is she going to do? Without them, she has no idea what qualifies as right and wrong anymore. No she doesn't care about restoring the star or whatever she just wants her ego to be fed again. So she'll sort of go along with whatever the hell the Ascians are doing.

Anyways yeah that concludes this essay. In my next one I will go over her parallels with my WoL.

[ireverie]

i js read your jake fic (i forgot its name, i'm sorry, it's the cheerleader one) and the way you write blew my mind. i was expecting some dark romance, non-con type stuff but what i read seriously, was not what i was expecting. AND I MEAN THIS IN A GOOD WAY!!! like at first i was like, okay he's a little mean, but he'll improve and they'll be good. then i was like, okay so he's an asshole, but this is a long fic so he'll have character development. then i was like, okay i hate him. i loved the way you were so straightfoward with the fact that jake was NOT a good person in the fic with your writing, yet it still had me fooled 😭😭 i'm usually not a fan of dark content that is too dark, but this really blew my mind. it was so descriptive and you captured their emotions perfectly, it actually felt like i was there, witnessing it all happen. i also loved how you didn't romanticize jake's character at all. when i completely read the fic, i was like he's a horrible person why is he being idealized? then i realized he wasn't, quite literally throughout the entire work you have painted him in a bad light but the way you wrote it was SO GOOD that it wasn't all up ij your face. off topic but, if you ever think of writing horror/thriller type of stuff, you're gonna nail it because you're so good at capturing such elements. that's all, and have a nice day, i can't wait to read more from you.

this is hilarious)&;)):$//&)@ you going in with an entirely different expectation and proceeding to manipulate yourself for no reason made me CACKLE like why were you in denial for so long 😭😭😭😭

it’s funny because i deliberately wrote it so that mc is established as a bad person very quickly (i used the hyeri scene for that so i wouldn’t have people jump me for making her """seem evil""" like no, she really is just evil. did she deserve to be treated the way she was? no, but she’s still not a good person. i think i subconsciously did this bc i have trauma from an nctzen reblogging one of my jaehyun fics where i made reader the one who fucks up instead of the muse, and then they proceeded to say that i was wrong for that and jaehyun should have been more respectful and yadayadayada.)

but with jake, i wrote it so that he just progressively gets worse 😭 and it’s not that he really becomes worse, it’s just that he reveals more of who he really is. and i think this tripped you up??&;$)&;@& i’m imagining you reading the fic like “um, maybe the author just has really bad pacing!” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

i’m glad you realized he wasn’t romanticized 😭 genuinely i have no idea where the accusations come from, especially because i went back myself and looked at it to make sure i wasn’t crazy. and i was like. Blue black dress vs white and gold because huh?????? at best bro romanticized himself

anyways, thank u for the compliments 💖💖💖🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 i enjoyed reading this so fucking much like when i tell u i kept laughing at how long it took you to accept that Jake is a dipshit in this story dgsjfjdhjdhhdjjdj and i actually do have plans to write something KINDA horror :3 im not gonna speak much abt it bc idk if it’ll make it here (it’s a girl group fic but if i make it GP i can rebrand it as an enhypen fic)

have a nice day too my love!!!!!!!

[the-bren-system]

Neurodivergent households are great when everyone's brain worms move in sync but if they're not it's difficult. BUT it's still worth it.

Rambling rambling rambling

Like... One of our housemates has a strong comorbidity between OCD and ADHD that causes her to live in a cycle of impulse and self-abuse and it took about 7 months of weekly conversations for us to convince her to get herself a bed frame. But it's taking even longer to convince her to get a rail for her clothing. (her clothes are in piles in the living room which is horribly overwhelming and causes things to get lost constantly)

And the thing is, you can't just confront someone abt self-sabotage or they'll double down on it. So we have to use more subtle methods to teach her how to allow herself basic comforts in life.

And we know enough abt her traumas to understand where it all comes from. It's difficult stuff that isn't her fault.

On one hand, it drives us insane bc her bad habits are extremely triggering. On the other, every time she makes a change for the better we feel proud of her.

Still, it's shocking how much help she needs. She's got a degree and a good job in her field, but still struggles to take care of herself. The amount of neglect that someone has to grow up with to end up like this... It actually is draining to think about.

The fact she got through University with these kinds of mental health struggles is impressive. The fact she landed a good ecologist job is impressive. I just wish she would let herself live in comfort instead of ruining her own life in small but severe ways twice a week.

Especially because it means the house is left in a state that triggers horrible emotional flashbacks in me. The last time I was living in a house that was this messy was when I was in a domestically abusive relationship, trapped in lockdown with an aspiring serial killer who used to make threats with knives and once gave me a serious ribcage injury. I don't need to be reminded of that situation 6 times a week. I don't need to feel deeply vigilant and angry every time I go downstairs to make a meal or something.

We're still focused on helping her bc being constructive is more practical. It's better in the long run to be helpful and to not get too angry. (we make an effort to manage our anger so we don't end up triggering more self-sabotaging from her, because if we act scary or whatever she will take it out on herself)

It's a delicate balance, you know, but when someone else is suffering really badly that means both of us have to adjust to each other's needs. She has to learn to stop sabotaging the household, we have to be patient in our approach so she can learn that.

We're learning to better help people who have grown up neglected, whole she's learning to understand and respect people who have been abused. We're building bridges, really, and building takes effort. She works on herself, finds more comfort with herself and also learns some perspective. We get to understand her, help her, and feel somewhat fulfilled about that.

People like me are naturally inclined to be more aloof and unserious and detached, people like her are more inclined to be self-deprecating and reckless, but we can both help each other to grow in different ways. Sometimes sitting down with her to give an emotional debrief and help her understand her own emotions and needs is enriching for us - it's an opportunity to use our analytical thinking in a helpful way and I'm glad we have the chance to help out.

I won't choose to blame her for the issues she's got; I'll sure as hell give her the advice and the tools she needs to get out of the mess she's in. I'll pass on the things I've learned the hard way so she doesn't have to learn them painfully. That's what found family means for traumatised people.

- Toby

[vulnerasti-cor-meum]

longgggg vent post. I'm sorry. Im just feeling maddened lately. at best I probably sound like a petulant teenager.

my mom's making a huge fuss abt my bday weekend. she was proposing we go out to eat for next few days. That's absurd. it's absurd and unthinkable bc I have actively been skipping sit-down dinners with her, because I am on a self-campaign to minimize time with her. I hate dinner. I have nothing to say. she stares at me when we're eating.I am hungry every evening. And I have no appetite in the morning. and I have nightmares about her. about screaming at her and about her being my enemy. and my poor progenitress is at home all the live-long day (listening to YT preachers all day) because Im the one using the car for work, so who knows what that does to her. she hardly eats, herself, and even less now that there's no excuse for dining with me. I said that we can eat out ONCE, at texas roadhouse, which In my brain I consider to be too tacky because Im trying to develop good taste, but in my heart, who tf am I kidding. last therapist told me that if I want my mom to respect me as a man and not a child, I need to show her Im a man and not a child, but my resentment is such that I dont want to show her any part of myself at all, All Ive ever felt is rejection from her. on every axis and dimension. and now she's divorced and jobless and isolated from broader culture and Im her early retirement fund until some day in the long and unhappy future.

and now I have a lover whom Ive been seeing for seven months, we've been intimate, we go on dates, he buys me tix to the cinema and we hold hands for two hours and he's told me he adores me and is crazy about me, and I dont think I believed him even though I think he may have been wooing me (how seriously though?). Even though I said IDK if I could see us being anything more than occasional lovers, he still continued to see me afterward. And now I'm crazed for him my body ails for him my stomach is in knots and my brain is abuzz. I canceled a date two weeks ago with him because I was sick. He said he'd wait for me. When I texted him five days later that I was better (four days of silence), turns out he had left on a postponed roadtrip. (he didnt tell me. was he still waiting for me? why didnt he tell me? was I entitled to know? Of course not.) He leaves back for town today: He said he'd keep me posted (more specifically on some property he was contemplating buying at the trip-destination). I told him Id like to see him again soon. he heart-reacted. There's no reason to expect I wont see him again unless it's due to the inherent unstable bond between uncommitted chemical bodies. I dont know how long to wait till I ask him to see me again. I dont want to be a creep. I dont want to seem creepily desperate but I need him to know I want him so badly (or even at all! even if just for an evening!) and that yes I do want to work out something even one degree of magnitude "more" than what we are.I want to give of myself more generously. I want to be his possession.He doesnt reject me in that he's told me Im perfect even if my rship with my mom keeps me from giving myself more to him. I dont know if his kissyface emotes mean anything. I keep analyzing seven months' of texts like a statistician or a conspiracy theorist.

I want a new job but Ive only been here a year and can barely handle the work for which Ive been employed and which even is the only kind of work that accords with my resume. Clients depress me and get me down (senior citizens; fixed incomes; living in slums. I always fear that Im looking into a mirror of my own future). my colleagues are the sweetest persons in the world and my hours are so forgiving, so I know I should be grateful, but it's so hard so so hard.

I've been telling myself lately that God has meted out a long and unhappy life for me and that I know this in my heart, but who knows how much this is truth and how much this is slanderous against God