#and i'm hurting reading this because this book presumes the reader has attained something very difficult already:
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oughoughoughhh maybe i'm just not in the right headspace to be reading it right now but the "the beginnings of self-definition" chapter of susan forward's toxic parents book is fuuuuucking me up
#it's largely what i've been working on right now- identifying my wants#but trying to read this chapter is throwing my brain for a loop#the anecdote she starts the chapter with is about a lady who doesn't know how to say no to her parents' outrageous demands#at great cost to herself and her marriage#and it talks about how to be healthy you have to respond not react- acknowledge emotions AND thoughts. not judt blindly react to feelings#and i'm hurting reading this because this book presumes the reader has attained something very difficult already:#confidence in self determination#i'm just sitting here trying to read this thinking 'and what right do *i* have to stand up for myself like this???'#you have to be a person to have the worth required to have your own needs and have them respected#and i'm not a whole person?????#i never have been???? never will be????#so what right do *i* have to impose things on the Real People(TM) around me when i am just a thing? a decoration?#i am a tool to be used. a service. a pretty object. an emotional garbage disposal. i'm *not* a person like everyone else#so where the fuck do i get off on acting like one?? i DO NOT have that right?#i am something lesser to be used. and objects don't get to tell people not to use them#so who the fuck am i trying to say that i want things#it isn't right#it's not#personal#she says it's okay to be selfish sometimes but you have to be a person first to get to be selfish
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