#and i'll die alone unloved and unwanted and-

[gwyns]

can someone tell me i am inherently worth something just for being human. even if i don't contribute to society in the way that hussle bros think i should. please. even if you don't mean it. please

[austenhowe]

when do you think cressida realizes that eloise has completely forsaken her?

because before she found out penelope was lady whistledown she still thought she was the one to completely break their friendship by allowing her mother to write disparagingly about the bridgertons.

she did not know that eloise already knew who lady whistledown was when she asked for her help to write the column. she probably thought that eloise cut their friendship because her assuming the mantle of lady whistledown implies that she was the one who wrote ruinous things about her last season.

do you think she realizes that this was the reason for the fallout of eloise and penelope's friendship once she found out who the real lady whistledown was? do you think she realizes that eloise knew and that she was content to let her take the fall for perez hilton featherington? that she refused to help her knowing that she wasn't the real lady whistledown and knowing that she was desperate to escape her circumstances? and that she could not even spare her a sympathetic ear even if she didn't want to help and instead doubled down in drawing the line in the sand by cutting their friendship?

how would she feel about that when she finally works it out? when she realizes that eloise did not value their friendship as much as she did? that she probably never even valued her as a person capable of deep thoughts, of feelings, of dreams? (please don't get me started with the whole, "I did enjoy her at the start" line they gave eloise, my god that was cold)

do you think the show will even give the space for cressida to have these realizations in the next season or am I out of my mind to expect them to actually do cressida's character justice? (the show did love to laugh at her misfortune)

even if they never acknowledge this aspect of their break-up, cressida has a long carriage ride to wales to reflect on this betrayal (yes I will call it a betrayal, of their friendship and of eloise's character development in part 1) and god only knows what kind of mindset she'll end up having after realizing that she is truly alone, unwanted, unloved, and unworthy of help.

I hope at the very least that this informs her character in the next season and that we see her finding her purpose, her strength, and her place in or out of polite society. I don't ask for much. I just want her to have a good, loving, and happy life, with or without eloise.

I'll take creloise endgame if they actually manage to fix what they broke when they wrote eloise as OOC as possible so that they could have their penelope and eloise friendship as quickly as they could. I don't know about other people, but I do have standards and that includes EARNED reconciliations. I find it so cheap and lazy when writers just skip to the good part, like have some respect for your viewing audience.

I don't know why I'm still mad about this but you really shouldn't put a character that's doomed by the narrative in front of me and expect me to just leave it to die in a ditch.

I'll always root for the underdog, especially one that's been beaten down and publicly dragged through the mud for daring to escape their doomed fate.

[feathersketchcreations]

so the glowing blitz silhouette from the look my way MV inspired me to draw Remi in the same pose because I.. see so much of myself in Blitz. I know I spend alot of my time doing silly goofy meme art as well as oc x Blitz polyamory shipart and while some see it as me being some Blitz fangirl or cringy simp, sure. I guess people can judge me for the gushy self insert characters x blitz shipart. but I don't do this because I'm a Blitz Fangirl. there is a reason I obsess and hyperfocus on Blitz so much and it's because I connect so deeply to him that it's kinda super personal. I know that seems silly.. but I also DO know I'm not the only one that feels the same way. I've seen other blitz fans who kin him and feel the same way I do.

I'm not gonna sugar coat this when I say blitz has a LOT to work on. thats fact. He deals with self hate, he genuinely thinks he doesn't even deserve love or affection, but he feels SO lonely. hes afraid hes going to DIE alone. and he also blames himself for things that were accident, showing he has a pretty bad guilt complex that has made him feel SUPER guilty about his childhood tent fire accident. he also has individuals who hate him as we've seen throughout the series (Verosika, Fizz, his own sister barbie, ect, though we already saw him and fizz make up. which is awesome! ^^) and well.. yea..

theres just.. SO much Blitz goes through as a character.. and me personally, I've been through each and EVERY Single thing he's going through. and yes. it HITS hard...

I know what it's like to self hate. I've been dealing with self hate my entire life. growing up I did a piss poor job building up the self love and seeing my worth. even to this day I still deal with self hate. yea, I know that I have people who tell me my arts good, or that im a good friend, or that I've inspired them, and truthfully yea I know my arts good, and I know I inspire others cause that's always been my goal is to inspire people, and if it works yay! but I am working on myself still. it's a rough road of getting out of the pit of self hate. self love is SUPER hard. my boyfriend even sees how hard it can be and how damaging self hate can be to me. but he still believes in me. just like I know all of my friends in this fandom believe in me. and I think that alone is what helps me try. and seeing Blitz go through this definitely makes me connect and idk. it speaks to me..

I know what it's like to feel like I'm unloveable.. before I met my boyfriend Christian, I had such a hard time with relationships. people used me. cheated on me, abused me. yknow the gist. back in 2015 I was SO close to giving up because I thought I was worthless and unlovable.. I was so fucking hopeless. I felt so unloved, and unwanted and blamed myself... anyone I'd have feelings for, I would get friendzoned, or shot down. I just felt super hopeless until I met christian. we.. admittedly had a rocky start and ups and downs.. but here we are 8 years later, moved in together, and still holding on to one another. I love him to death, and would do anything for him.. and obviously in Blitz's case in the show, after seeing the episode truth seekers, and ozzies, I felt so bad for him. truthfully this is why i made remi. I had MADE remi to ship with blitz to make comfort art of him in HAPPY art pieces because it pained me to see him go through all this stuff in the show. and I seriously can't wait to finally see him SUPER happy with Stolas when they finally get together canonically of course! <3 it's gonna be amazing <3

I know what it's like to suffer from a really bad guilt complex.. I've done and said things I didn't mean in the past.. I'm not gonna sugar coat it, I was AWFUL, but I'm learning from my mistakes.. and I'll be real, I still feel guilty over the things I've said and done because yea. I feel horrible. dispite people I've wronged, forgiving me, and me bettring meself, years later I still feel horrible and have my moments where I'll just sit at my table, stare off and then cry, having an emotional break down. so seeing blitz HATE himself AND beat himself up, and being guilty for the circus fire even though it was an accident.. man it hurts and hits me really hard cause that shit is so relatable...

so.. Idk.. I don't just "simp" or "fangirl" for blitz (I mean I wont deny it I do simp, and fangirl to the extreme lol) I just.. relate to him so much on a personal level it's insane..

so it makes me happy seeing him happy. cause all the poor dude seems to get is big fat F yous in the show left and right, and I draw him shipped with My ocs Remi and Tiziri because both Remi AND tiziri are representation of me somewhat, and because I used to go through what hes going through, It comforts me drawing shipart. dispite what the haters think, Even after stolas x blitz becomes canon, yes, I'm STILL gonna ship my ocs with blitz in my lil AU..

but know I also cannot wait to see stolas and blitz happy.

agh.. I know this is alot. sorry. <XD

I'm kinda emotional rn..

anyway. er. yea. this is my peice. hopefully people kinda understand a little bit of why I stick to oc x blitz ships so much.. and if not hey, thats okay. I get it.

thank you for reading.

artwork was inspired off of the blitz silhouette from the look my way music video

Art (c) me Remi (c) mine helluva boss (c) vivziepop

[blackberry-mochi]

Silently screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming in bed, completely unable to sleep, completely unable to shut myself down and stop thinking about my life, about how cruel this all feels.

Silently crying and crying and crying and crying, because I want to be happy, I don't want to be stuck in this dead end, I wish something would save me from all of this.

It's cruel that I want help, need help, need so much help, need so much support to stop my BPD from continuing to make everything too difficult, but I can't ask for help, and nobody would even offer me an escape.

It's cruel that I can't realistically imagine ever getting the things I want or need, because this miserable personality disorder makes me believe that I don't deserve anything, nobody's ever going to give me love and support, I'm completely unwanted, unnecessary, and insignificant, as well as disgusting, ugly, horrible, abusive, and irredeemable.

It's even crueler that that's the truth. I really don't deserve anything. Any effort I've put into trying to deserve love, deserve an escape, deserve happiness, has been a waste, a complete waste of time, a comically desperate display of just what BPD does to a person.

Cruelest of all, though, is that I can't even kill myself. Nobody actually wants me around, nobody actually cares about me, everybody only has tepid feelings towards me at best, so I need to die. I absolutely need to die. Die before I'm homeless, before my abusers decide one day to finally throw me away. But I can't. I can't do it.

No matter how much I'm going to try and coax out so many ugly and intense feelings, to motivate me to just put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, it's not going to work out. I know it won't. It absolutely won't. I can't escape this. I can't escape from this dead end, not by myself, and not with any of the absolutely fucking useless "friends" I have online.

I guess I'm waiting for my parents to kill me. I guess that's what I'm waiting for. I guess that's the only fucking option I have. Coast along until my parents decide enough is enough. Of course, it isn't that simple, right? Because they'll kill me indirectly. They'll force me to die, because being homeless will leave me so insecure and hopeless and miserable that I'll shoot myself finally, just to escape the psychotic and horrendously painful mental breakdown that will inevitably accompany that.

But, you know, will I actually shoot myself then? I doubt it. I really doubt it. I really, really, really doubt it. And it's so cruel. I desperately wish I could join the 10% of people with BPD that successfully kill themselves. It's the only option I have, so of course I wish I could do it. But my brain is broken. My psyche is mangled. Everything about me is wrong. I can't commit rational suicide. It's completely rational for me to kill myself, because I'm trapped in a dead end that I'll never escape, because I'm unloved and unwanted and too much effort to help. But I can't do it. Absolutely can't.

What a pathetic situation, huh. Completely pathetic. Pathetic and painful. Painful, painful, painful. Or, at least, it's painful when I confront it directly like this. Otherwise I only feel empty and hopeless. But I guess feeling empty is extremely painful, too. It feels so unbearable. Of course I'm going to force myself to think about all of this directly, to fill in that emptiness with bitter despair and loneliness. Just glancing at my life, instead, leaves me in a state that I just. I just can't even describe it. Feeling empty perpetually really is hell. Possessing chronic suicidality really is hell. Being forgotten and ignored and hopeless and completely, completely, completely alone is hell.

So, please, just kill me. Please, just kill me. Something, someone, just kill me. I'm a useless child, I can't do this on my own. So please. Please fulfill this one selfish and lazy request. Please kill me.

But nothing will. Nothing will. Nothing will. Nothing will. Absolutely nothing will. So, all I can do is scream and scream and scream and cry and cry and cry, quietly, only hissing softly when sobbing, curling up, and writhing. Because, of course, if anybody in my family heard me crying, they'd harass me, they'd pressure me, they'd tell me to shut up already. Because, of course, my problems don't matter. I'm in a family of 12. Stop acting so self-important. Stop bothering everybody with this bullshit.

Hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. This is all so fucking cruel. Everything's so fucking cruel. My entire life is just a cruel joke. Cruel and ugly. Cruel and disgusting. Cruel and empty. Cruel and worthless. Cruel and cruel and cruel and cruel and cruel.

But it's all my fault that's the case, right? It's all my fault that I asked for help when I was 8, when I first started really struggling with depression, and all I received was a beating and verbal abuse. It's my fault for being born. It's my fault for needing help. It's my fault for being stuck with a family that shouldn't exist. All my fault, right? Clearly it's my fault. Clearly it's my fault.

Clearly I'm stuck in a horribly painful and hopeless and lonely dead end due to me doing something wrong. Otherwise I'd be happier, right? Otherwise I wouldn't be stuck in a household that doesn't value me, doesn't care about me, hates me, harasses me for being so useless and disappointing, right? Otherwise I'd have a friend or friends that would recognize my needs and try to save me from this shit, right?

If only I had gotten any help and support for my chronic suicidal ideation and my blatant and obvious BPD, everything would be better. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only. If only I were luckier. If only I had a life similar to the lives of my ostensible "friends". If only I had ever earned concern. If only I didn't have 9 siblings, 8 if you count my dead sibling. If only I had a normal-enough life. If only I mattered enough. If only I had been given any of the opportunities that the people around me were given. If only. If only I wasn't just treated like forgettable trash. If only I had been given even the bare minimum of respect and nurturing as a child. If only the things I needed as a child to avoid ending up unsalvageable and useless were given to me. If only I didn't have BPD. If only I were normal. If only I were loved and happy. If only unconditional love existed in my life.

But none of that matters. My life doesn't matter. Nothing matters. So, I need to die. If my life is pointless, meaningless, ugly, disgusting, and unwanted, then I need to die. But I can't kill myself. I absolutely can't. And that's my fault. My fault for wanting to be happy, my fault for being too afraid, my fault for, most likely, having a brain structure that greatly discourages me from being able to pull a trigger and pound a bullet into my skull. My fault. My fault. Everything's my fault.

Because, of course, it isn't my parents' fault. They're perfect parents. I'm just the worst child in the world. It's my fault my life's like this.

Or, at least, that answer would make everything easier. If everything really were my fault, then I wouldn't deserve anything, I'd know it for a fact, without a doubt. And, if I don't deserve anything, I shouldn't feel alone, abandoned, betrayed, hated, neglected, and bitter over the fact that nobody will ever actually reach out to me. If all of this really was my fault, I should feel repentant, I should leave everybody alone, I should kill myself.

But, no, really, this situation is just cruel. Nobody wants me around. Nobody cares about me. That's all there is to it.

Anybody who says otherwise is just trying to save face, feel better about themselves, feel less hurt by these expressions of pain I've been writing. Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. I'm so fucking glad that you only see me as a hindrance, as a sore spot that you want to ignore, as a needy, needy, needy child that you can soothe with bullshit.

Unfortunately, though, you can't soothe me. You'll feel terrible for as long as you look at me. So of course you'll ignore me. Of course you'll forget about me. Of course you'll move on while I'm stuck here. Good for you. Can't wait to delete my fucking Discord to fully accept that none of you matter. The only people that matter to me are my parents. They're the only people that affect my life. None of you matter.

At least I'll be doing everybody a favor by doing that. At least leaving for good will rid you all of some worthless and unnecessary stress. Good for all of you. You can ignore me and forget about me, walk away from me, reject me. I wish I were like you. I wish I could escape myself, too.

[silly-sammy-hammy]

I'm scared. I'm really scared. I'm scared if I'll lose her forever. I'm scared I'll be alone again, unloved and unwanted. Even through all my pain and misery...I was still happy. I loved her. More than I loved anyone else. She was the one I actually loved. And...I'm scared to lose that. I think I am losing her already.

I think I did...

I'm scared. I can't think right anymore.

She's all I think of. Even when I'm not thinking of her, I still find myself doing it. In some way or another, she will run right back into my thoughts. Then I get sad. Angry. Enough so to harm myself because I never know what to do with it.

...

I really do end up loving those who can hurt me, huh? Hell, my ex was so kind and loving to me when he wasn't ruining my mental health. I loved that at first, but then it became terrible and here we are. It's the same thing. Kind. Charming. Loving. Sweet. She was all of that. Enough so to make my heart beat so fast I couldn't think straight (pun intended, haha.)

It was that and her personality I fell in love with. Even when she was sad or not that charming person, I still loved her and was there for her as best I could.

Even when she hurt me so badly I wanted to die, I still loved her.

She's like a drug...and I never tried to stop.

I love her. I just...wish she loved me.

[solitairesys]

here's some highlights from my thoughts journal from the years 1942, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015.

for context, i got this journal after my mother passed.

for more context, i am a nico di angelo fictive.

tw, possibly.

my parents have no clue who i even am. i hope you’re proud of me, dad. afraid to go out. afraid to talk to people. it's difficult to make friends. i'd rather be at home, alone. scared to be in a big crowd of people. panicking about going to this event. nervous about meeting someone new. scared to ask a question, staying quiet instead. feel like everyone is watching me. if i disappeared, would you even know? i wish you knew how much it destroyed me when you left. a piece of me died. i dont know where to go. i dont know what to feel. i dont know what to do. i dont know who i am. ”but it made you stronger” i didn’t need to be stronger, i needed to be safe. life isn’t about living, anymore. it’s about surviving. im afraid to die. im afraid to live. i need a hug, but all they gave me was a box of matches and a knife. i was the good kid and i got nothing. was i raised without love? or was i born unloveable? i have a father, but ive never had a dad. fuck you to every person who ever took advantage of my kindness. nobody is going to save you. get up. please don't leave. everybody leaves.

why is my family so fucked up? my feelings? oh, don't worry about those, no one does. can someone be proud of me? like im fucking trying. "why didn't you tell anyone?" he asked me. no one asked. maybe i wasn’t made for anyone. i don’t know why i’m still hoping. there’s a reason i keep everything inside. i want to be loved but i don’t deserve it. i want to feel loved without feeling like i was begging for it. if i told you my secrets, you wouldn't look at me the same. maybe i deserve all of this. sleep isnt sleep anymore, it's an escape. a listening ear is also a running mouth. i've become so damaged that when someone gives me what i deserve, i don't know how to respond. i need to cry. i need to talk. i need to vent everything. i try so hard to help other people because i have no idea how to help myself. you will never understand the hell i feel inside my brain. its hard to forget your past when it's written all over your body i stopped being me a long time ago. i don’t even remember who i was. i want my life back. i want myself back. i miss the old me. the happy me. that young energy, that smile, that glow. i'll never be that me again.

i’ll never be good enough for you. stupid me thinking i was good enough. i don’t care if you’re proud of me, dad. its pretty fucked up how okay you were after hurting me. you realize that one day im just gonna snap, right? i shouldn’t be this kind of tired at this age. if i can still breathe, im fine. im forever going to say “i got this” with tears in my eyes. i’ll survive. i somehow always do. i have more scars than friends. it’s hard when you feel so constantly unwanted. i want to live, not just survive. i cant remember the last time i wasn’t tired.

[imnotgrimimjustagrumpyreaper]

I legit don't think I can ever be a person. I can't remember the last time I've felt like a person. I spend every second of every day paralyzed with anxiety and numbness doing nothing and then getting sick over doing nothing. I can't love anyone because I'm just waiting for them to leave me. I don't know how I feel about my parents and yet I'm stuck with them. My state is rapidly on it way to becoming a do not enter here zone for queer people. I'm just sitting here waiting for my pets to die so I can leave without leaving these pieces of me behind. I have never and will never accomplish anything and I'll die alone the same unwanted, unlovable loser I was born as. Like what the fuck. I haven’t felt normal since I was like 9 years old and I can't even be sure if I was ever normal because my memory is fucked. I can't be a person. I really just want to die it feels like all I've got.

[intertronicfan]

I posted 2,401 times in 2022

That's 1,428 more posts than 2021!

20 posts created (1%)

2,381 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@gr3y-heron

@fudgenuggets33

@honeylemony

@mikumadds

@theprocfilesystem

I tagged 232 of my posts in 2022

#eurovision - 9 posts

#eurovison song contest - 9 posts

#holy shit - 6 posts

#life hack - 5 posts

#yeah i'll reblog that - 4 posts

#goals - 4 posts

#funny - 4 posts

#dnd - 4 posts

#omg - 4 posts

#rp - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 128 characters

#wait imagine if the vast was trying to make a ritual in ancient greece by creating the norm to chuck unwanted babys in the ocean

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Guess who just bought 5 houseplants and is out £30

8 notes - Posted September 29, 2022

#4

I not sure what to think about the lady-macbethian Serbian entry, but it slapped, and I loved it. 10/10 has my vote.

12 notes - Posted May 14, 2022

#3

If you see this, you were born on January 7th, your name starts with L, you don't know what animal you would be, and your shirt ripped the other day, you are a big idiot who will die alone, unloved in a Forrest fire.

16 notes - Posted May 10, 2022

#2

Am I tripping or does the Måneskin lead singer have a buttplug on a chain?!

20 notes - Posted May 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

She's dead Dave!

53 notes - Posted September 8, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[loverdudearchive]

...

[itsevabitch-56-blog]

I'll never forget the day I wrote "die" into my leg with a knife. I felt so unwanted, untrusted, and unloved. I felt alone, worthless, and useless. I've gotten used, broken down, and manipulated. It didn't help that the next day my boyfriend at the time asked me to come over so we could fuck, it felt like that's all he wanted. But I agreed because I thought I was in love even tho I'm not even sure I know what love is yet. He saw the cuts and all that came out of his mouth was the word "die" and I started crying. He made me explain myself then slapped my cuts. It hurt like a bitch but he convinced me he did it so I wouldn't do it again. He convinced me he loved me, but then hurt me.... over and over again. That memory will constantly haunt me because after that I hated myself. I hated how I lived, I hated how I looked, and I hated how i acted. I've only had two boyfriends in my life and they were both abusive and munipulitive. This is one of the reasons when you say "cheer up" I can't. This is one of the reasons when you say my smiles pretty I have a hard time believing you for the soul reason I never see it. This is one of the reasons I have depression.