#and i’m not super good at that rn! but that like. compounds itself quite badly if i try and then fail

[your-secondborn-child]

prob gonna just lurk for a while thumbs up emoji

[sunmoonandeddie]

feelings are fatal (14/24)

pairing: bucky barnes x reader, past steve rogers x reader

word count: 3,554

summary: After the events of Endgame, you struggle to come to terms with what you’ve lost, though you’re learning that you still have something to gain.

chapter warnings: swearing

masterlist

a/n: I’m so sorry this took so long to post, and thank you all for understanding.  Also, the reader’s inner monologue at the beginning is me rn as I catch feelings.  Anyways, here’s the long awaited chapter fourteen!  Let me know what y’all think!

You wandered through the compound, feeling a little lost.  Ever since you’d realized you had feelings for a certain super soldier, you’d started feeling like a dumb little love struck school girl that listens to Taylor Swift unironically and wears fake glasses because she thinks it’s cute.

It’s a very specific feeling.

Before all of your realizations, you never questioned going to see Bucky.  You’d just join him in whatever he was doing.  You’d walk into his room without knocking and throw yourself across his bed just for him to run his fingers through your hair.  He’d let out that deep chuckle that resonated through his chest.  Your fingers would trace circles on the fabric covering his knee as you closed your eyes, relishing in his touch.  But now, as much as you wanted to do that, you couldn’t.

Because feelings were fucking ridiculous.

You felt like you were seventeen again, counting down the minutes until you’d get to see the Soldat again, get to hear his raspy voice as he gave you commands and feel his hands on you as he guided you through your training.

Yeah, maybe you were a little more fucked up than you thought, because who in their right mind would think that was attractive?

And also, you hadn’t realized just how much you needed Bucky’s touch until you started to overthink yourself.

“Aunt Y/N,” Morgan said as she spotted you, running down the hall to launch herself into your arms.  She’d just gotten back from riding with Happy to bring all her friends home to the city after another day at Pepper’s makeshift daycare.

“Hey, baby girl,” you said as you wrapped your arms around her.  You took comfort in the feeling of the youngest Stark, her weight bringing your racing mind back down to the ground again.  “How was your day?”

“Good!  I started reading my first chapter book today!”

Of course, she did.  Morgan was just as smart as her dad had been, and it wouldn’t surprise you if she ended up being just as much of a prodigy as him.

But the difference was that, unlike her late father, she was going to have her family telling her how proud they were of her and how much they loved her several times a day.  There was no doubt in your mind that she would grow up knowing just how much she was cherished.  Your family wouldn’t allow anything else.

“Oh, really?” You asked, grinning as you carried her through the hall to the living area.  “What book did you start reading?”

“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone!” She said with a few giggles as her arms wrapped around your neck.  “I wanna tell Uncle Bucky!”

And, well, if that wasn’t the best damn reason to go see the object of your affections.

You immediately turned on your heel and began to head for his room.  “He’s going to be so proud of you.”

Once you reached Bucky’s door, you didn’t bother knocking.  Why would you?  It’s not like he’d ever had a problem with you just barging in before.

But, oh, how you’d wished you had.

Your heart stopped in your chest as a knife flew through the air, imbedding itself in the wall by your head.  You were lucky that Morgan was on your other head, even though you knew that if he wanted the knife to hit either of you it would’ve.  “James,” you gasped, your eyes slowly focusing in the dim light.

He was crouched in the corner, his hair hanging in a curtain around his face.  But you couldn’t tell if he was cowering away from you or getting ready to strike.

“Morgan, go find your mother,” you said, your voice quiet and stern as you set her on the ground and moved to stand in front of her. “Tell her that I said Code Soldier.”

“But—”

“Morgan, now.”

She could be upset with you later.  If this was the Soldat, then she needed to be as far away as possible.

And, to her credit, she followed your command after just a moment’s hesitation.  She may have been young, but she wasn’t stupid.  She could tell when she needed to listen to you.

You shut the door with a soft click, hoping that F.R.I.D.A.Y. would automatically lock it.  The last thing you needed was one of your other teammates barging in.

Heavy breathing broke the silence that fell over the room as the man stared at you.

“James—”

The man in front of you didn’t react, he just watched you with glittering eyes.  His eyes were so dilated that you could barely see the white surrounding the sea foam irises.

This was the Soldat.

“Soldat,” you said, your voice dropping to a whisper. You had no idea how well addressing him was going to go.  You hadn’t seen this side of him since you’d been rescued from the Red Room.  You tentatively took a step towards him, freezing when you saw the way he tensed.  He seemed skeptical of you, like he recognized you on some level but couldn’t quite place it. “Soldat, it’s me.”

Nothing.

Swallowing, you took another few steps towards him.  “It’s me, Y/N.  Malen’kaya.”

That grabbed his attention.  His features softened, though his eyes stayed as dark as they were.  “Malen’kaya?”

You nodded, hope coursing through your veins. “Yes.  Yes, it’s malen’kaya.”

Before you could blink, the Soldat had flown across the room and had wrapped his arms around you.  He was shaking as his hands roamed over your back, your shoulders, your arms, and back again, as though trying to convince himself that you were real.

You had never seen him this scared.  Bucky, sure, but not the Soldat.

He suddenly pulled away, his calloused hands holding your face.  His touch was much rougher than Bucky’s, though not unwelcome.  “Why are you here?  I thought Natalia got you out?  Did they find you?”

“Wait, what?” You asked, shaking your head.  “What do you mean—”

And then it hit you.  He thought he was still with HYDRA.  He thought that they had dragged you back to the Red Room.

And somehow, he knew that Natasha was the one to get you out.

Something was off.

The past few days, there was a sort of tension in the air, like something was about to happen.

And most of it was coming from the Soldat.  Ever since he’d gotten back from his mission about a week ago, he’d been acting strange.  He was always looking over his shoulder, his mind clearly a million miles away.  His touches lingered a little longer than normal, which was already pretty long.

Not that you minded that bit.

You liked when he touched you.  When he felt comfortable enough to let his hands rest on your shoulders, his front gently pressing against your back.

“Soldat?”

The man in question grunted from the other side of the room, where he was pulling a knife out of your target.

“What’s wrong?”

He paused, his back still to you.  It was clear that he knew what you were referring to—the weight that hung in the air around you.  He could lie to you, tell you that it was nothing, but you were too smart for that.  You’d spent years training with him now and you could read his face no matter how stoic he tried to appear to be.

“Soldat, talk to me,” you said as you came up behind him.  Reaching forward carefully, you hesitated before resting your hand on his arm.  “Please?”

And maybe it was the way you said it.  Maybe it was how your voice cracked and your eyes watered as you stared up at him, confused as to why your one friend wasn’t talking to you.

Maybe it was because it was you and he’d proven over and over to himself lately that there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for you.

But he turned to face you, his fingers brushing against your cheek.  “I didn’t stop them,” he said finally, his voice low and raspy as always.

“What do you—”  You broke off, feeling a stab of pain, as his eyes trailed down to your abdomen.  You knew exactly what he was talking about.  The soft black fabric of your tank top covered the almost-healed stitches.

While he’d been on his last mission, Madame B had taken you for the Graduation Ceremony.  At the time, you hadn’t known what it was.  You’d simply followed her into the basement of the Red Room, anxiety coursing through your veins.  It hadn’t taken long to realize that something horrific was about to happen.

But you’d been knocked out before you could even open your mouth to scream.

When you’d come to, you’d been greeted by searing pain in your lower abdomen and two perfect rows of stitches on either side of your hips.

“You didn’t know,” you said, frowning as you took a step closer to him.  You didn’t like that he blamed himself for not being there to stop it from happening. “And you were on a mission.  There was nothing you could’ve done.”  Your eyes flickered down to his lips as your mouth suddenly grew dry.  You two were so close that all you had to do was stand up on your tiptoes and press your lips to—

The Soldat cleared his throat as he took a step away.  “We’re done for today,” he said as he crossed the room, the knife he’d been retrieving from the target in his hands.  “We’ve already gone later than normal and you need to get to bed.”

“But—”

“I said we’re done!”

You froze, eyes widening as he whirled on you. He looked absolutely pissed.  His icy blue eyes were narrowed, his jaw clenched so tightly you were sure his teeth were going to shatter.

His face softened as he realized what he’d done. But before he could even open his mouth to apologize, you were out the door.

You were the last one to hit the showers, the rest of the girls having already headed for bed.  You guessed you had about ten minutes until room check, but Madame B was always a little lenient on you when your training with the Soldat went later than normal.

There was an eerie silence in the showers as you washed away the day.  Despite the front you put up, you hurt.  Badly. Despite the clean stitches, you were still in a lot of physical pain.  Every breath was a little more labored, a little harsher.

And that wasn’t even counting the emotional pain. You’d never even thought about having children or a family, but to have that choice taken away…

The hairs on the back of your neck stood up as you whirled around, only to find nothing.  The doorway leading out of the showers was completely dark and while you weren’t typically afraid of the dark, there was something foreboding about it.

You wanted to call out to see if someone was there, but at the same time, you felt as though that’d be a stupid decision and would end in your death if someone actually was hiding in the shadows.

You turned back to the spray, washing away the conditioner.

But you were definitely hearing footsteps.

You bit your lip as you turned off the water. Silence filled the room once again as who ever was in the changing room stopped moving.

Someone was definitely out there.

You grabbed the towel hanging on the hook outside your stall, wrapping it around yourself.  You didn’t want to face whatever was out there naked, but you really had no choice since your clothes were in the next room.

“Hello?” You shouted, your voice shaking.

You also had no idea if you’d be able to take whoever was out there down.  Sure, you were highly trained, but if this was an intruder, it would mean that they had managed to break into the Red Room undetected.

Steeling yourself for whatever was awaiting you, you rounded the corner, only for the breath to be stolen from your lungs.

“Natalia?” You gasped, your heart hammering as you took in the woman in front of you.

She was older than you remembered her, of course. But she looked softer.  Better cared for.  Her hair—her gorgeous red hair that had been halfway down her back the last time you’d seen her—was cut to just barely lay over her shoulders.  There was a logo of a shield on her all black ensemble.

“Hey, sweetheart,” she said with a faint smile. Like she was almost afraid of how you’d react.

“It’s you,” you said, voice cracking.  Water dripped on the floor as you stepped towards her.  You raised a hand before letting it lower, as though you were afraid that she’d disappear with a single touch.

She nodded, tossing you your clothing that had been left on one of the benches and prompting for you to get dressed.  “It’s me.”

“Where have you been?” You asked as you pulled on your leggings and tank top, brows furrowed with confusion.  You weren’t even bothered by how wet your hair was getting your clothes.  “What… What are you doing here?”

“I’m getting you out.”

“Soldat,” you said quietly, brushing his hair back from his face.

His eyes were locked on you, visibly relaxing as you touched him.

“I need you to stay calm.  Can you do that for me?”  When he nodded, you moved him towards the bed so he was sitting.  You slid behind him, allowing his head to rest on your chest.  Your fingers ran through his hair soothingly as you cradled him to you.  “We’re not in the Red Room.  You’re not with HYDRA.”

He still seemed wary though he didn’t interrupt you.

“We’re in a compound in New York,” you said, searching his face for any signs of Bucky breaking through now that he had calmed down. “We’re with the Avengers.” Swallowing, you pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.  “I know you protect James.  That you’re a part of him that comes out when he’s unsafe.  But I promise you’re safe, okay?  I’m not going to let anything happen to either of you.”

He nodded, though his eyes didn’t change. He was still the Soldat.

“I need you to let me talk to James,” you said slowly.  You had no idea how the Soldat would reply to that.  You could only hope that he trusted you enough.  “Can you do that for me?”

The Soldat closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. There seemed to be a shift in him and you held your breath as a shiver ran through his body.

“James?”

His eyes fluttered open and you were greeted with an ocean of blue.  “Y/N? What happened?”

“James,” you said, letting out a sigh of relief as you threw your arms around him.

He didn’t hesitate in hugging you back, letting your head burrow into the crook of his neck.  “I’m here.  I’m here,” he said.  His eyes caught on the knife embedded in the wall by the door.  “How…  How did that happen?”

“I came in and the Soldat had taken over,” you said quietly, biting your lip.  You didn’t want him to know right away that Morgan had been with you, or he’d never forgive himself.  “You must’ve had a really bad nightmare or something.”

“Did I…”  He swallowed.  “Did I do anything bad?”

“No,” you quickly said, shaking your head.  “Morgan was—”

He jerked back, his eyes wide.  “Morgan was here?!”

“Yes, but she got out before—”

Bucky stood up, disentangling himself from you. He began pacing the floor of his bedroom.  “She… She saw me like that.  She saw the Sold—”

“James,” you said sternly as you stopped him in his tracks.  “Nothing happened, okay?  The Soldat listened to me, okay?  He listened to me and let you take back over because I asked him to.  Everything’s okay.”  He still seemed unsure, despite your words.  Thinking quickly, you said, “Get in the shower.  Take a long one.  We’re going out tonight.”

“What?” He said, his brows furrowing as he stared down at you.

Pushing him towards the bathroom, you felt a burst of mischief.  “Go get in the shower.  I’ll set out some clothes for you.  Be ready by seven.”

You knew that he’d be ready much sooner than that, but you’d need the time.

He gave in, knowing that you were as stubborn as the day was long.  You’d could argue with a river until it started running backwards, if you chose to do so.  “Alright, alright,” he said, allowing you to push him into the bathroom.

Once the door was closed, you immediately went to his closet.  As soon as you opened it, you saw what you needed.

Hanging pristinely in a clear garment protector was a matte black suit.  It was hanging with a matching button down and a bowtie, and just below it were a shiny pair of Oxfords.

You laid out the suit in its garment bag

In just over an hour and a half, you found yourself in a pale blue vintage dress.  The skirt swished around your knees as you pulled on your stockings and your heels.  Your hair was curled and red lipstick carefully applied.

Bucky had done so much to take care of you, but now it was your turn to take care of him.  It was your turn to make sure that Bucky’s demons were kept at bay and that he had someone there with him to pull him out of the dark.

By the time you were done and had made your way down to the kitchen, Bucky was already standing by the island and watching Rhodey throw vegetables into a skillet.

He looked absolutely gorgeous in his suit.

Sam, who was sitting on one of the stools and scrolling through his phone, noticed you first.  A grin spread across his face as he cleared his throat, nudging Bucky and nodding in your direction.

Bucky’s eyes widened almost comically large as he took the sight of you in.  He cleared his throat, rubbing his hands against his pants.  “You…  You look…” He coughed as a blush crept across his cheeks and down his neck.  “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” you said softly as you walked over towards him.  Almost on instinct, he held out his elbow for you to take and you rested your hand in the crook.  “Now come on. We have places to go and people to see,” you teased as you tugged him towards the elevator.

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” He asked as you led him out to the Uber Black that was waiting.  He opened up the door for you, sliding in after you.

“Nope,” you said with a grin.  “It’s a surprise.”

The man beside you grumbled, but there was a soft grin tugging at his lips.  Your heart hammered inside your chest as his hand brushed against yours before his fingers intertwined with yours.

“Thank you for doing this,” he said, his voice breaking you out of your reverie.  “I don’t know where we’re going or what we’re doing but thank you.”

You simply nodded, resting your head against his shoulder.  “I’d do anything for you, James.”

A little over an hour and a half later, the Uber came to a stop in front of Bill’s Place.

“Y/N…  I…,” Bucky said as the two of you stepped out of the car.  “This is…  I saw Billie Holiday perform here.”  He let out a laugh as he pulled you towards the speakeasy.  “It was Monette’s Supper Club back then.  Stevie and I were fifteen and we had no business sneaking in, but we did.”

“Come on, then,” you said with a bright grin as you took his hand, leading him inside.  You had to make a few calls in order to get in, since it was typically reservations only, but sometimes being able to pull the Avengers card came in handy.

Bill Saxton was already playing when the two of you stepped in, a few couples already dancing.

“May I have the honor of this dance?” Bucky asked he bowed deeply, his lips pressing to your hand.

Giggling, you mock curtsied.  “Of course, you may,” you said.

This was going to be a night you dreamed about for the rest of your life.  Bucky held you close, his hand warm against the small of your back.  His cold hand in your right kept you present in the moment, because otherwise you’d be left drowning in his eyes.

God, you’d do anything just to be able to kiss him again.

You swallowed to try to cure your dry throat as a slow song came on, and you leaned your head against his chest.  “James?”

“Yeah, sugar?”  You could feel the vibrations of his voice against your cheek.

“You’re my favorite person in the entire world.”

If you could see him, you would’ve seen the way he blushed and the adoring look in his eyes.  His nose brushed against your hair as the smell of your shampoo invaded his senses.  “You’re my favorite person, too.”