#and i worry itll make it difficult for my mom in the morning if he wakes up upset... nd he needs to go to school tmrw bc its picture retake

[nomairuins]

aw i feel bad weeman wanted to have a sleepover in my room and i said yes but tobehonest its very hard for me to sleep with him in here so i might have to transfer him . + this will make it easier 4 my mom to get him 2 school in the morning . but i feel bad

[oakenshieldthorin]

probably the biggest vent ill do on tumblr?like ever. so here we go???

honestly it’s fucking exhausting being alive. It is otherworldly. Ive got this thought going through my head that i simply cannot get rid of and it’s this:

the loneliness of not having friends better outweighs the loneliness when you do have friends.

And I cannot get that out of my head because no thought in my head has ever felt more true. 

Ive felt awful for a while now but as the weeks progress I feel like im getting worse. And it’s not bad every single day. Some days are good. But the bad days are outweighing the good now. I remember being able to hold off the sadness for a month at a time and then letting it wash over me for an entire week than feeling relieved because I’d be okay for another month. But now, I can barely hold it in for a week. It feels like my beach is being hit with high tide after high tide and the sand dunes aren’t doing their job anymore. I feel like giving up and not pursuing any of my dreams. I feel every fuck up of my last semester in school. I feel like I can’t express my feelings to my own best friend because my problems feel so fucking little. I feel like I can’t express my thoughts to my brother because I dont want anyone to know how truly weak I am right now. I can’t tell my mom b/c I dont want to stress  her out more than she already is and also because my emotional fucked-ness is partially from her. I can’t vent to my father b/c I don’t want to emotionally bond with him anymore bc it;ll just hurt even more when he’s gone. I feel stupid when I write things out b/c it feels like yelling into a void with hope of a response but it’s never there. 

Being an adult is so difficult. Looking for a job is difficult. I haven’t been rejected, I’ve only received silence and that is somehow more stressing than rejection. Because at least with rejection there is a response. Ive got nothing. Ive received emails asking to speak with me and asking for my portfolio. Then received no replies after. It makes me feel like im not good at what i love or that my hours of work don’t mean a thing. 

I miss having a therapist. I miss being able to cry in front of someone. I miss the advice. I miss the coping mechanisms because I need new ones. I need ones for the current problems. Because the old ones just aren’t working anymore. 

I disassociated hardcore the other day. I was in the bathroom unrolling toilet paper and it happened. next thing i know I was unrolling the whole roll. It’s never happened like this. I need help but dont have the money for help. 

Im trying so fucking hard to float calmly on these waters to wherever the fuck, but the waves aren’t letting up. The skies look black to me and there’s not even lightning to give me hope. -- if that even makes sense. 

Worst of all, my longest coping mechanism - drawing - doesn’t help whatsoever. I have absolutely nothing. and while i think of death because it seems so nice, i know i’ll never do it. i won’t. but it worries me that my solution to it all is death. it worries me that in the morning when i open my eyes, my solution to being awake is death. it worries me that maybe one day, it won’t just be a thought. Some times when the depression and anxiety is bad, I scratch and rip at my skin to cope. Im afraid itll escalate. 

i am simply afraid that I can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. im afraid bc land isn’t within swimming distance anymore. I am afraid.