#and i wish i hadnt fucking told her that i liked her fiancée

[djarinova]

i wiiiiiiiiish i wasn't so fucked up actually

[chiimaera]

IT FELT LIKE THE HOURS WERE DRAGGING ON. she had always been able to fall into her work, let her tunnel vision take over and everything else seemed to fade into the background. that was until she had stupidly fallen in love. it was a mistake on her part, really. something that edward had seemed to enjoy reminding her whenever he had a chance. she fucking missed @withoutawar​ like he had simply kept a piece of her with him and there hadnt been a day that she didnt notice. edward had an undercover identity, one that had a girlfriend in new mexico who waited for his return doing whatever job it was he peddled to her. he had trained her, taught her everything she knew back when she was young and still raising zombies for the st. louis police chief. he was a sociopath, deadly and unfeeling—also her closest friend. so when he called her to fly overseas to help him with a job, she didnt hesitate. 

almost a month later, she was beginning to wish she had. the job wasnt blessed by SHIELD or the government, this was a favor to a man who still worked in the underbelly of society. which meant she had to cut ties with the outside world until the job was finished. it was easy for edward, his fake girlfriend ate up whatever he told her. steve wasnt some midwest housewife who sold pottery. she told him the bare minimum using their coded language, hinting that she was going off grid for business. as far as SHIELD knew, she was on bereavement in mexico and wouldnt be answering her phone.  “ ive never seen you so focused on a plane before. you only clawed my hand once, ” the blonde man teased. anita shot him an annoyed glance before looking back out of the taxi window. she felt nervous which was fucking stupid but there was no other way to describe it. she wasnt sure why her skin felt too tight, why she wanted to bounce her leg up and down. she felt completely unsettled, anxious. she had be in love before but it never felt like this. like she had been holding her breath for weeks and finally felt so close to oxygen that she couldnt sit still.  “ shut up. ” “ you act like your wonder boy wont be there, ” he commented, looking over his sunglasses with a serious stare and a smirk. protective, worried but masked with humor. thats how he operated. an outwardly serious edward means someone is dying. the necromancer didnt say a word, keeping her gaze at the passing trees. “ anita, hes going to be there. ” “ i know. ” he wasnt convinced. neither was she. by the time the taxi had made it to their apartment, she was felt like she was going to be that stupid woman in the movies who run to see their sweeties. she wasnt going to do that. anita grabbed her duffel off the ground in front of her, finally looking back at her friend. “ get out of new york, i dont want you causing any trouble, ” she warned with a smirk. the mercenary only laughed. “ only if i get caught. give wonder boy a kiss for me. ” right, moment of truth. she rolled her eyes, swallowing down her nerves and the joke when she closed the taxi door. fear of abandonment, thats what her therapist called it. her mother, her father, her ex-fiancé, pretty much eighty percent of the men shes dated. there would always be the traitorous voice in her head that whispered years of insecurity into her ear. reminding her that her job, her lifestyle, her magic, her avoidant attachment style ( thank you dr. lee for that wonderful revelation ) is what made everyone leave. after all the conversations theyve had, the trust they built, there was still a part of her that feared that this was be what broke it. leaving with little notice and a coded voicemail for a little over a month, no communication allowed— this would be the last straw. fuck. her heart was sinking her into stomach as she stepped off the elevator. each step forward felt like she was walking into her own demise. thats what love was, wasnt it? using your own knife to cut yourself open then hand it to someone and hope they dont finish the job. she needed to get back to therapy. when she finally stood at the door, she pulled her keys from her jacket pocket, putting them into the door. the dread was setting in. did he move out? was he just going to cut and run when he got the chance? did bucky know? her mind didnt get farther than that, she barely got to turn the deadbolt before it was push open along with the other bottom lock. her apartment door swung open, steve standing there with a look on his face she didnt think shes ever seen before. it was hard to describe and it left her staring with her eyes wide. all those negative thoughts completely vanished, replaced with a warming sensation her chest and a little confusion. “ steve— ” two steps and his hands were grasping her head, his mouth found hers and it felt like home. the smell of his cologne, the feel of his hands, the taste of him on her tongue, the familiarity of his energy that surrounded her. she wanted to drown in it. her duffel bag had been long dropped. her hands grasped his shirt, pulling herself as close as she could without disrupting the way she licked into his mouth, kissing him like it was her last. hell, she hadnt even had the chance to kiss him goodbye. this was way too much kissing for her hallway.  some semblance of self control edged its way into the lovey dovey brain fog, allowing anita to pull back, pressing her forehead against his. there was a hundred things she wanted to say, most of them funny. yet she looked up at him, remembering how scared she was before. how silly it was to even think that steve rogers wouldnt still be exactly where he said he was always going to be. with her.  “ i love you, ” she mumbled with such raw sincerity that it was hard to believe that came out of her mouth. it was enough to make her face warm, burning pink to the tips of her ears. fuck, she was a goner.

a smooch for anita because we miss her <3

[raychulemma]

50 Completely Random Questions People Rarely Ask Tag:

1. What’s your favorite candle scent? Red Apple Wreath - Yankee Candle. It's perfectly Autumnal and always goes on half price sale after Christmas. I have far too many versions of it

2. What female celebrity do you wish you were related to? Probably Maya Rudolph because she's a shameless weirdo like me

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother? Probably Peter Kay. I feel like he would be easy to open up to. And he would make awkward family events so much more bearable

4. What’s your favorite thing about marriage? (And if you’re not married, what’s your favorite thing about being single?) Security. Safety. I didn't expect it to feel any different because we had been living together for a while but something about the actual marriage made me feel protected and comfortable. Also because its a same-sex marriage it's a lot nicer to say my wife than my fiancée, because i would wonder if they assume my fiancée is male

5. What’s one thing you own that you should probably get rid of, but just can’t? Books that I'm not going to re-read but have memories linked to buying/receiving/reading them.

6. Can you do a split? not a chance

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? Seven. i learnt at the end of my road because it's a dead end. and i got a green bike for my birthday with a seat for my teddy

8. How many oceans have you swam in? just the Atlantic ocean 🌊

9. How many countries have you been to? 6. France, Spain, Germany, USA (Florida), Wales, Scotland.

10. Is anyone in your family in the army? No, my Grandad was, and some of my Great Uncles but no one during my lifetime

11. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child? Superted, Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, The Story of Tracy Beaker, Dick n Dom in da Bungalow, Jungle Run

12. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight? A classy binbag witch

13. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series? I got into the Harry Potter books in 1998 and am still in love with the series. I went to the midnight release for the last book. I watched all of the films in the opening week and vividly remember that the cinema i saw the first film at in 2001 had a Harry Potter themed sweet shop. I have jewellery, clothing, books, dvds, wands, other collectibles. I read the books with my mum when i was younger and watched all of the films in the cinema with her. she had her own HP merch. My wife also loves Harry Potter. We have been to see Cursed Child twice and have been to the Studio Tour 3 (or 4?) times. We had a Harry Potter themed wedding which was absolutely perfect. Hunger Games was something i avoided reading until the first film was coming out, and then absolutely loved the first 2 books (3rd one got too political for me) and the films are still some of my favourites for costume and set design. I read the twilight books after my best friend recommended them to me. We all actually read them as part of our sisterhood club. I went to blackpool to watch the first film in the cinema with my best friend. I watched the last one at midnight with my wife and one of the girls from the sisterhood who is one of the biggest twilight fans i know still. she has behind the scenes books and dvds and has re read the books that much that the spines are just gone. my mum was also a big twilight fan and would watch them any time they were on tv. i watched a few at the cinema with her, always her choice. she hadnt seen hunger games at the time of them being released but we did watch them all with her a few years ago

14. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent? i film YouTube videos and always think my accent would be more interesting if it was American

15. Have you ever taken karate lessons? no, my 2 brothers and sister did when i was 5 or 6. i didnt like being touched so never did it

16. Do you know who Kermit the frog is? yup

17. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to? im going to guess Gullivers world Warrington because its the closest one to where i live

18. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in? French because I love disneyland paris. or japanese because i would love to visit tokyo but its way out of my comfort zone

19. Do you spell the color as grey or gray? grey. e for england, a for america

20. Do you know triplets? yes, 2 girls and a boy but i only met the girls

21. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook? Titanic. my mum was a massive fan. She watched it 3 times in the cinema when it first came out. we watched it with her when it was released in imax on an anniversary. she had behind the scenes books, a few versions of the vhs and dvds, playing cards. her love for it made me love it

22. Have you ever had Indian food? no im a very fussy eater and have never tried indian or Chinese

23. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant? Of all time? Tough choice but im going with pizza hut. Cheesy bites base with double mushroom. Never craved something more

24. Have you ever been to Olive Garden? they dont have it in England so no but i would probably like it

25. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender? i have no idea, maybe jason after my dad?

26. If you have a nickname, what is it? rach, chicken, chickadee

27. Who’s your favorite person in the world? i want to say scruff but shes technically not a person. kirsty is my best friend and i would pick her every time

28. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs? where i live is in between. drive one way and its city, the other way is farms. so living in one ot those farmhouses not far from city life would be the dream. i would have chickens, sheep and cats.

29. Can you whistle? yep but my cats hate the noise

30. Do you sleep with a nightlight? i can see the hallway light from where our bed is so i dont generally need a nightlight but we do have cute ones. i have 3 HP ones on my bedside table

31. Do you eat breakfast every morning? yea as long as i have time

32. How many times have you been to the hospital? ive only ever been to a&e. once for palpitations, a few times for mental health and once for an x ray on my hand. ive been to walk in centres for urine/kidney infections and for fractured fingers. oh i did go to hospital to see a neurologist to be diagnosed with essential tremor

33. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo? yes i love it. my brother and sister both bought me the dvd for christmas the year it came out so i had 2 copies for a while. i also had the game for pc and ps2. and i had a game on my phone and ipad where you could build up the seabed and gain fish. the film is just so nice and calming to watch. the scenery, the sound effects, the movements are all just gently flowing. and somehow you get attached to these characters and root for them whether youre a fan of tropical fish or not.

34. Where do you buy your jeans? primark, next, sainsburys, asda

35. What’s the last compliment you got? kirsty said my eyelashes look like im wearing mascara when im not

36. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning? yea and they're weird as fuck. the latest one was about the bath being clogged with poo

37. Favorite beverage that isn’t water? Tea ☕

38. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own? a disgusting amount. maybe 20. maybe more

39. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real? about 8 which I think wasnt too young or too old. my brother told me which I was glad about because i was prone to being bullied at school and would have hated to be told by nasty kids

40. What is one food that you used to hate but now you love? cheesy garlic bread WTF

41. What is a weird lie you’ve told? i told kirsty once that i had pood the bed and asked her to help me clean it.

42. Heels or flats? flats always. specifically trainers. i think dresses look so much cuter with trainers. same with suits

43. Do you have any weird phobias? no just common ones. moths, spiders, flying insects, beetles, heights, being completely isolated, finding a dead person

44. What is a phrase or word you always say? i cant actually think of a current phrase i say but i do get stuck on phrases

45. What is a song that you bast or belt out when you are alone? part of your world, let it go, bridge over troubled water, over the rainbow. any that i try to actually hit the notes on

46. What is one of your biggest pet peeves? nails. nails tapping, and the sound of cutting or biting nails. or people that stop in the middle of an aisle or walkway when you're trying to get past

47. Do you sleep with your closet door open or closed? they dont even have doors on yet so open

48. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? bear. the noise of bees terrifies me. i had a flying ant in my hair on flying ant day but i didnt know. i heard it buzz and cried

49. Do you have any weird things you do? i cant have 2 cream biscuits together (custard cream and jam n cream). i sometimes say hi to my teddies so they know i havent forgot about them. i buy hatchimals when theyre on sale even though i havent previously collected them cos im an impulsive pos. (honestly collecting animal jam figures and my little ponies were the best though)

50. What movie could you watch over and over again and still love? any of the harry potter films, titanic, sisterhood of the travelling pants, Princess diaries 1 and 2, enchanted, princess and the frog, raise your voice, catch me if you can, chalet girl, the shining, slumdog millionaire

[mycatatemyslipper]

I can’t fucking sleep. This person I’ve been in love with, agender heavily leaning loving women/not men, confessed that they like/love me today.

So we went to high school together, I was very very closeted in denial and they knew they liked girls but had to hella repressed it. So they go to college, start dating a man, none of our mutual friends really approve of him because it doesn’t seem like they like him. I go to a different college far away and proceed to attempt to preform being a straight girl even harder. My and my other friends talk abt how we’re worried about how their unrequited the relationship with their bf seems. I’m still closeted and repressed through the floor, very very very adamant that I was straight, but always think abt how if I dated/married a friend it would be them, hands down.

I travel abroad, I return and their mom tells me about how they always talk about me all the time while I’ve been gone. We can talk about anything. Any time gap feels like nothing, I don’t think I’ve had better friend chemistry before in terms of interests, humor, basically everything. I still think I’m straight.

I go to grad school across an ocean. For the first time I feel like I have enough distance, space, and time to seriously question my sexuality. It’s scary, painful, it sucks until I finally decide to settle on gay and then everything slowly starts to feel better and right for the first time. At this time I realize that I’ve probably had a crush on my friend for a long while.

When I come back from grad school for the summer, it’s with the intention to come out to everyone. Well. Also my crush was getting married. Ngl I was shocked the year before when they told me and didn’t think they’d actually get married. I come out to them and we talk about sexuality and attraction. I finally realized at this point that I’m not a neutral party and try to not tell them that I don’t think they’re attracted to their fiancé and shouldn’t marry them. I mean, the dude is financially safe and a good guy who genuinely cares for them, the wedding was in a week, etc etc.

On the lead up to the wedding, I went over to their parents’ place with them and their fiancé/fiancé’s friend’s, our friends. This event was for maids of honor and grooms men ppl, and I’m not in the wedding because of ocean and communication reasons, but I get to come alone anyways. Fiancé (WHO AGAIN IS A GREAT PERSON) kinda goes off and does his thing with his friends, and I try to be a good not-future daughter-in-law to their mom. Like I just wanted to say “See? Yeah I’m gay and we’d be gay but I’m a better choice than him for you, too.”

Sooooooo yeah wedding day comes. I try to dress like extra cute and hot bc I idk I still had this feeling like “I like them and I have a chance” even though I knew I didn’t chance and that marriage is harder to get out of than bf/gf. Maybe it felt safe. I still kinda feel shitty that I’m not a bride’s maid. Anyways, they looked rly pretty in the wedding dress, but they didn’t look very comfortable. They wore a pretty bracelet that they told me before had a lot of significance, I wish I could remember exactly how or why but I’m kinda shaking and on a strange high.

Anyways. Bc I’m not a brides maid I sit separate from her and the rest of the wedding crew. It was nice to meet more of her family or re-meet them. Sat next to the mom of my other best friend from High school. Their mom and the other mom then both start talking to me, then their mom straight up tells me that they wanted me to be the maid of honor. It was a lot, it felt really validating of what I felt we had between us, bittersweet, confusing. I hadn’t been in contact with them.

Their mom and the other mom then start grilling me on why I never said anything, I just didn’t want to intrude and make assumptions. The fact that they wanted me to be the maid of honor and that their mom wanted me there too and that they were getting married to a man and I hadnt contacted them about being a brides made and not being out sooner and how I felt like I was being double teamed and all the guilt guilt guilt was all overwhelming. I started to cry, and could not stop.

Their mom then switched to nice and ushered me to the upstairs bathroom where she said some more things I don’t remember and reassured me that my crush, their daughter, likes me a lot (and vents a little about me not contacting them). I’m like “I’m sorry, I just feel so guilty.”

Then they come up and sit with me, and we talk about it the brides maid stuff. I get hugs, honestly it just felt really good. They then give me their bracelet. I felt so special, chosen, especially considering the significance of it (I think their mom made it for them). I wore it the rest of the night.

As I watched the evening celebrations I thought about how much it sucked to see all them get married and all these people celebrate it and how it’s so much harder for queer people to deal with family expectations and being who you are, especially when your family is deeply homophobic (like theirs is). But, the person you love getting married to someone does happen to cishet people all the time, too. I tried to feel a bit less like this is a tragic situation. Tried not to imagine what their family would think of them maybe someday divorcing their now husband and being with the woman who had sobbed in the bathroom at their wedding for almost an hour. Would it be better then that I wasn’t there maid of honor? I tried not to think about dancing with them and stealing their heart away.

I went back to my other best friend’s house and cried in her arms about the person I love getting married to a man. Marriage lasts a while usually, and if they were genuinely not into them it would take them I thought at least two years to divorce them.

This all happened two years ago.

This last year, I met a girl online who liked the sound of my voice and bonded with me over being in love with married women (my love ended up not being a woman tho). This woman flirted with me a lot, which I hadn’t experienced before but enjoyed, and we eventually transitioned into a not-relationship. It was nice, I probably loved her. We aren’t friends and we aren’t talking anymore, a lot happened with them. Sometimes things flop and it’s alright.

She convinced me to flirt and be a bit more cozy with my crush. And I tried to do so over Christmas break. Tried to snuggle tried to flirt. They kind of moved away, and had before, I thought it might be a “not fond of physical touch” thing. I got some snuggles in anyways. But at the end of it I felt like I had crossed a line, mostly with their husband, and decided to back off. I respect him, and even though the two of them are technically in an open relationship I’m monogamous and it would not be fair to him since I’m more interested in marrying them.

So finally we’re back to this summer. God. I moved back from grad school. Hung out with them and their husband a few times. We went with some of our mutual friends (no husband) to this local fair. Stormed out, pretty bad storm. They were having issues with their husband not being receptive to them wearing a binder at all.

And then they told me they liked me. Like fuck. It felt like I entered an alternate dimension. I had given up already and had been trying to back off and repress my feelings. I told them I like them, too. We talked about literally everything, gender, sexuality, divorce, us getting kids potentially, marriage, name changes, moving in, finances, like everything.

Turns out them giving me the bracelet was significant, it meant what I thought it meant but wouldn’t allow myself to think all along. They said they wanted to marry me instead... and me trying to snuggle with them in December, they had taken that as a sign I was into they and was confused when I backed off. Idk, I never seriously thought I had a chance.

I want to be with them today, right now, but we’re gonna try to take it slow. I have never actually dated anyone for real, and they’re legit married. So we are just friends, and if and when they do get a divorce we aren’t going to live together or immediate jump to being a couple. God. I feel like my life has been turned upside down, but in a good, natural feeling way. Regardless of what happens though I want to support them, even if they stay together and/or we don’t end up together. But god, I really want to hold hands with them as partners at next year’s pride.

Yeah so my life is literally turning into a lesbian romance movie