#and i used to purge the binges but im trying to move in small steps and just stop purging for now

[trve]

tw for eating disorders

pros of halfway recovering from ed:

no more purging

cons of halfway recovering from ed:

still binging but this time im actually eating the full calories for the 3 bowls of cookie dough

[gypsysoulwanderer23-blog]

Im a spirit existing in a World I dont belong in. Never felt human as far back as 9 years old...

Just drifting. But Grayson. Grayson changed all that. But that meant facing A LOT of demons. Mark only gave me a year to "get better" after being diagnosed with PTSD, Bulimia, Borderline Personality Disorder (and she put "extreme" what ever the fuck that means) Anxiety to the max. Fuck. It took me a year to actually trust someone to BEGIN talking. I got kicked out of treatment centers, kicked out of detox, kicked out of hospitals, and if I wasnt kicked out I was right on the edge to be... Mental Ilness is fucking hard when you have to face it after being arrested at 29 years old. Living life a lie. Alls fine. I self harm, drink at 9 in the morning (no Mark, Im not an alcoholic, "ok". End of discussion). Shoplifting addiction to the max, you guys dont even know, I was good, I was bold, even challenged the manager of homehardwear for a loss prevention Job haha, I was good, I know I was, they dubbed me a "career shoplifter", its hard not to be proud of that when you remember the first thing you stole- a small pack of kleenex at age 8 or 9, and I said to my only 2 friends- you never know, when you gotta blow! So cleaver. Its an addiction, like any other. If you struggle with this, message me. I can help. If you struggle with suicidal thoughts, message me, I can help. If you struggle with drug/alcohol, well, were in this together, so lets get out. We're slowly dying and its painful. Everyday is painful. I dont want this anymore. I want to finally live. I dont want this artificial shit to keep me alive anymore. My Psycologist pointed out that I use my drug habbit as a replacement for human connection, and after some thought, he's a 100% correct. I can only stand so much "human contact". Thats why I come to a city I can hide. Thats why I came back. But now I have Grayson. I NEED to step out of this barrior I created. Im so sorry to the friends who tried to help along the way, and the friends who are still with me now... Donna, Corrine, Kendra, I owe so much, Janine for making me aware that I had an "eating disorder" I didnt even know what the hell "binging and purging" was! Until I described to her what I was doing... It was just something I did. I believe I was 28 when I found out. If your struggling, please just message me. Im not gonna lie, Im struggling too. But Im sick of hearing "if you just do this", if you think about that differently, if you could just get back out into the world, not all people are like that, the world isnt as bad as you think, theres a better future, your thoughts are what you think, think positively, just move on, get over it, oh I could go on. I was up-right abandoned by my husband. When I thought I was "better" in his timeline, he lead me to beleive things were okay for 6 fucking months, then bAM, one argument over text message and i asked "do you want a seperation or something" and he answered "yes I do". By this time I had bonded with Grayson soooooo much was sneaking into his bed at night to cuddle with him, putting him to bed at night, reading him stories, watching him learn, telling him imaginary stories.... my heart Is broken. And the only four other things that could replace my broken heart are either dead, or gone. Im all alone. Try fighting this fight all alone. I dont get it tho.... I used to be so independant... where the hell did that go??? I'll tell you where. Love. Love for Grayson and yes, even Mark. Love will fuck you right up. Leave a scar on your heart when its taken away. I. WILL. NEVER. LOVE. AGAIN. Grayson already told me he doesnt want to be replaced and so I promised him, I wouldnt. I was hurt enough now by too many guys to think anyone new is genuine. I can hardly keep in contact with my friends. Grayson. Hes my life now. Mark and the Grandparents arent letting Grayson have anything "of me" in their house so Im going to fight for more of Grayson in my house! I. Just. Have. To. Get. Better.

Just thought you all should know. Im not actively ignoring my responsibilities as a mother. When I came out of ponoka hospital in january I begged Mark to atleast let me take Grayson to school in the mornong, but nope, he would take him to his parents where his step dad got to take him to school, got to watch him walk down the line with the rope :'( i missed it all. Then I would get from 5-7pm of playtime with grayson, Mark would come home from work, plop on the couch, put his head phones in and listen to his podcasts.... how the hell did I not see he was done?? I was too involved with loving my boy, experiencing a new kind of love... Love. It ruined me. I will Never love Again.