#and i think i as a person am fundamntally broken sure

[pathologising]

How are you so chill talking about your trauma/disorders from trauma like I don't think I could survive that hell or even talk about it years after :( I HOPE to god I'm not being insensitive or triggering I just don't understand

ur not insensitive dw. i orginally wrote a lot? for this ask just now but i think it was kindof all over the place so im gonna try again lol:

it does hurt a lot i think, but im also just very detached from my emotions and also the amnesiac walls do be helping me not remember it all so thats a plus of dissociative disorders. but also the main thing is (Which i think is the one thing that upsets me most) that i dont really know anything else? like a lot of people who go thru traumas in adult hood have a self/life “before” the trauma and so they have a marker for “this isnt okay”. i didnt have that notion that shit wasnt normal untill i got older, like abuse is the only thing i know as a childhood (which is the thing that makes me most upset bc like damn id kill for a normal life). so im frank ig bc like..what else is there to say lol u kno! i also think being open abt “hey i went thru this n heres my experiences with comorbid severe mental illness” is helpful to other people, esp when u begin to recover. literally the one thing that has helped me get out of the self re-traumatisation and idea that life is hopeless for me was finding people with disorders and trauma like me who survived! also bc people have this weird notion that it never...happens to nyone like they see it in movies or hear it in the news and they dont realise literally millions of kids are traumatised and never got justice and cps didnt do shit u know? also bc i think here ive connected with a lot of other survivors <3

but also i think talking online abt it is like much easier for me simply because im detached from the internet lol i literally feel like im screaming into an empty cave like nobody is real im just out here in hell u know? i hate opening up about it irl tho because talking about it verbally and actually acknowledging it is so much harder than just typing out words (for me personally, everyone is different) so in therapy its difficult but i do it anyway bc it has to b done! i think thats mostly it ??????

tldr: dont have any idea what a normal childhood is like so its literally like how you would talk abt ur own childhood (minus any positive nostalgia) but also it does hurt a lot but also im detached from it all