#and i step out of my comfort zone to say smth really personal that's hard to talk about

[florida3exclamationpoints]

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[redxblueihateloveyou]

I'm so very happy w/fs2, but a small part of me is tinitiny (very tiny) bit salty about the reconciliation going your way (that's not a beef, I love you tremendously!). you were so sure that rin should be the one to step up, even though majority seemed to disagree (on my dash), but they still went your way. it makes all the sense now to me that it happened and I'm just wondering if that's my bias-ness for rin that blinded me, since I was one of the idiots politely arguing with you after the fs1

LOL I think it's perfectly fine that you feel that way, bc it's kinda a forever debate between to say tsunderes/antisocial ppl/silent types who watch such couples and the social ones. I'm just saying it bc I myself when watching such ships with my hommies, it's literally EVERY TIME one part of the couch goes (aka my mom) "but he (Haru or Lan Zhan or Qiling or Sangwoo or etc) doesn't talk, how's he supposed to know" or "that doesn't count unless u say" or "he should've…lalala" and the other part of the couch (aka me and my sister who don't talk but show things other way) start to agressively disagree and it literally always ends like this:

And I mean, ofc depending on your personality you would watch things differently and feel things differently bc we express our feelings differently. Like I've only recently watched this korean gay dating show where there was a guy who also didn't talk but I from other things from the start guessed who he liked and then at the end turned out that none of the participants there "saw it coming" which to me was pretty wild lmao. So my point is, I got it a long time ago from real life harshly and in many comments under different shows that most people find it hard to understand these signs or even see it. On behalf of "my species" I apologize, but sometimes thats the best we can do really.

I always due to this try to look at these (my favorite) types of pairings from both sides, even tho I know I'm clearly biased too. And my main argument in this cases (as in who must "step up" as you say) is that if one despite of who he is tried as hard as he could to deliver his feelings even painfully so surpassing his comfort zone and the other didn't, then the one who should be stepping up is the one who didn't. I think thats how it usually works at the end. I just know from my own feelings that for them it was very hard to step out of their comfort zone and thats why in such stories writers always reward them at the end for that I think.

That being said in that particular case also I think you have to watch it from the point of who in his way did everything he could when it comes to their relationships and was fully invested without lying to himself and who wasn't. And it was Rin who constantly backtracked due to being scared (for respectable reasons, but still), Haru was fully in for a long time. I just think bc of all the metaphors about swimming and water and the fact that they also want to be together everywhere for life including their profession, some mixed up a bit here the professional and personal aspects.

Like when it comes to their way in professional life goals it was Rin who had no fear and Haru did (also for his own respectable reasons). But when it comes to their feelings it was Haru who had no fear, since the very beginning, but Rin did.

Also personally for me actions always speak louder than words, but at the same time I do understand that hearing some things are also very much needed. So I think its fine to feel both ways, I personally don't really get mad when ppl don't get it.

The only thing that gets me going into a heavy debate sometimes is the fact that some throw around stuff like "well he must express himself more normally" or smth in the orbit, indicating that if you don't express yourself with words specifically, you're an asshole/insensitive or smth like that, nevermind the fact that someone there cut their leg to save his future husband's life you know haha. Which to me is hilarious since its these types of characters that in my opinion are more sensitive and deeper head over heels than others. Bc at the end they due to the fact that for them its ususally the only exception thing, if they enter this territory, they usually drown very deeply and unrecoverably. Meaning once they're in they're all in, there's not gonna be any denial/stepping back an etc.

And I just also don't see the point (when it comes to love) of forcing people to express themselves in a way they don't want to. For example, I'll never serenade to someone who I'm in love with, bc I'm just not that kind of person. I wouldn't want to be someone who expects this from me or will get upset that I don't do such stuff. I myself think random little things like that time Rin was talking about Haru's birthday plans and Haru going "I'm not gonna listen untill you'll change your wet clothes, I'm scared you'll get sick" is much sweeter and to me personally enough. I'm not trying to demean here any huge romantic gestures, I just personally do not care for those. But I know all people are different and that's okay.

So I'm just saying that these kind of characters express the feelings in other ways (which to me for some reason are the most touching). So expecting Haru to do stuff from some of the people's wish list that were voiced after fs1 would be just not Haru. Also the problem there was that Rin was scared to dive into love. And what else in your opinion Haru should've done to show him that he's his safe haven I do not get no matter how much I thought about it. Bias or not but after all that patience and understanding, you gotta admit that the only option here already was a shock therapy of maybe taking it all away haha.

So when it comes to love you gotta judge everyone depending on their own scale. Like you certainly can expect us once in love turn from a cocoa bean into hot chocolate just for you, but we won't magically turn into a sugar syrup, if you know what I mean here lmao. And Rin also doesn't want that, bc he loves Haru. If he wanted to pick someone else, he would've LOL

Also I think being biased is also fine (we all are when it comes to our faves) as long as you admit to it and don't start this thing some people start where they seem to only care about one person in a ship. That's already not a shipping in my opinion haha. Like idk why but I seriously hate it the most. Bc even in times when you're certain you're right, you gotta try to see things from both points of views. In all of your own relationships too.

P.S. also forgot to say" haha I win". I'm kidding lmao. Love you too.

[sleeping-on-cracking-ice]

Hey! Can you write something with Chishiya and Y/N when she almost died in game beacuse of Niragi but didn't tell anyone about this (he tripped her on purpouse or smth). Chishiya finds her up on the roof few days later really anxious+crying beacuse her visa is ending and she is scared that Niragi will come and play the same game as her and will try to do something bad. Chishiya becames really protective over her especially when he sees her bruised knees.

Here you go!

Comfort Zone | Shuntaro Chishiya

{Alice In Borderland Masterlist}

Character(s): Chishiya (ft. Niragi, OC’s, Hatter)

Summary: You came close to dying due to being attacked by Niragi, and you fear it will happen again during the next game. Chishiya notices your anxiety and tries his best to prevent it from happening.

Warnings: mention of murder, swearing, blood, violence (punching)

Word Count: 3.9k

*reader is female

“Just my luck,” you groaned out, lifting yourself to your feet by using a chair nearby for leverage. “Not only am I clumsy as fuck, I’m also stuck with a group of murderers.”

Hatter had suggested you go with a few of the militants for the next game, as he wished for them to test you to see if you were capable enough to join them.

It was a hearts game called Capture The Flag. It was very self explanatory. You had to capture the opposite team’s flag and bring it back to your base without getting killed by them. The game would continue until a flag was captured, and the losing team would have their small bomb strapped to their chest explode as soon as the flag was returned to the team’s base. So theoretically, you could die at any second. And if that wasn’t stressful enough, everyone carried weapons, ranging from machete’s to revolvers, so you were on high alert.

You were on the same team as a muscular militant woman named Ren and a much younger kid (he looked around fifteen years old) called Minato. But of course, Niragi had to be placed on your team, bringing you nothing but more trouble.

The room you stood in was dark and ominous. You managed to trip over a few shards of glass and impact on the ground heavily, causing your hip to throb in pain as you attempt to recover from the fall.

You had been separated from your group. You managed to sneak off without them noticing, just rather being on your own than with others. You thought you had a better chance by yourself anyway, as no one was there to betray you.

In the Borderland, you didn’t know who to trust, so you kept to yourself.

The brightness of your game phone flashed a light green, reminding you of what colour team you were on. You had to search for a base that was illuminated by a blue light and take the flag that was supposedly meant to be there. But so far, you hadn’t seen any indication of the other team. You hadn’t even seen any of the other players now that you thought about it.

You made your way out of the empty room you had just checked, peeking around the corner down the hall before stepping out of the doorframe. The small  bomb strapped to your chest over your shirt felt heavy on your frame, especially knowing that it held your life in its hands.

You sighed loudly and rubbed your hands together to relieve the tension in your muscles slightly. You had to be close, surely. You had been walking around the abandoned hospital for ages, as if you hadn’t at least walked past the enemy’s base and missed it somehow.

Just as you were about to turn the corner to the main corridor, a whispered grunt made you stop in your tracks. You held your breath and pressed yourself against the cold wall next to you, trying to listen to any movements they make.

The sounds of rustling met your ears, making you frown. It sounded like someone was trying to find something in their pocket, moving around the objects until they’ve found what they need.

You slowly peeked one eye around the corner, making sure not to accidentally hit the wall or fall forwards in fear of the person being an enemy player. Good news, it wasn’t. But seeing someone on your team wasn’t much reassurance either, as all three of them seemed to be clinically insane.

Niragi was crouching over a dead body. A game phone was thrown to the side on the ground a few feet away, emitting a bright blue light. The dead person must have been on the blue team.

The blood pooled around the body, Niragi’s boot being in one of the puddles.

‘Why didn’t I hear the gunshots?’ you asked yourself, watching as Niragi rummaged through the pockets of the guy’s jacket. He was probably looking for another weapon or perhaps something to assist him in the game.

Your eyebrows furrowed when you noticed a slight blue tinge on the fabric of Niragi’s shirt. You turned your head the other way down the hall, eyes lighting up at the sight of a bright fluorescent blue light coming from around the corner. That must’ve been the enemies base.

You glanced back quickly to Niragi, noting he was busy with the corpse, still searching through their pockets. Perhaps you could make it if you were quiet enough.

You slowly lifted a foot while keeping your eyes pinned to the man down the hall, ready to dive back behind the wall if he decided to turn around. When your whole body had left the comfort of the darkened hallway you came from, you turned and quickly shuffled down the hall towards the light, looking over your shoulder every now and then.

When you had turned the corner, you let out a sigh in relief. “Fuck,” you rasped out, wiping your sweating brow with the back of your wrist. “If only I came with Chishiya, I wouldn’t be so cautious.”

You entered a room a few steps in front of you that had a door slightly ajar with the blue light pushing through. You squinted your eyes as you opened the door at the brightness of the light, covering your eyes and hissing lightly.

When your eyes adjusted, you felt a euphoric feeling fill your body when you caught sight of the blue flag resting against the wall. You immediately scrambled over and gripped the wood, feeling the sweet ecstasy of victory and being able to live another few days.

You walked out of the room flag in hand. But as soon as you exited the door, your game phone rang loudly, making you freeze in your spot.

“Green Team has now obtained Blue Flag.”

Your breath became lodged in your throat and you felt your fist tighten on the flag pole. If the game announced it to the rest of the players, they were going to come after you.

Your fear was proven correct when you heard loud footsteps down the hall, making its way to your position. You knew it was Niragi, but the fact that he was on your team gave you slight reassurance. He wouldn’t hurt someone he’s meant to be working with, right?

You couldn’t be so sure, so you pulled out the fairly sized knife that you had sneaked into your pocket before leaving for the game. There was nowhere you could run. Down the hall was the only exit you had.

Before you knew it, the angered face of Niragi turned the corner and you locked eyes. He glanced down at the large knife you held at your side, then at the flag. A smirk painted on his face and he chuckled cockily.

“You think you can defend yourself with that piece of shit?” he asked you, taking a few threatening steps towards your frame. Your feet remained planted on the ground, trying not to appear as panicked as you actually were. “Everyone’s going to come here, and you’re going to fend them off with a kitchen knife?”

You felt belittled from his mocking, eyebrows furrowing in frustration. “The fuck else am I supposed to do?” you asked, pointing the tip of the knife in his direction.

Silence filled the air as you and Niragi had a stare down. The grip he held on his rifle tightened whenever you shifted, never failing to make your heart skip a fearful beat.

“Princess,” he started with a sickening pet name, “why don’t you give the flag to me? I’ll protect you.” His sudden change in mood gave you whiplash and you took a step back in confusion, still holding your weapon towards him.

“What?” you muttered out, a bamboozled expression on your face. “I said, pass the flag to me. I’ll make sure we’ll be okay,” he answered while slinging his gun to his side a bit too casually for your comfort.

You watched as he fiddled with the bullet compartments of his rifle. He seemed to have been checking the ammo, making you realise what he was intending.

You shook your head, trying to sound normal, but the slight shakiness in your voice made you quite obvious. “It’s fine Niragi,” you insisted, “I can get it to our base myself.”

He glanced up at your frame as he closed the bullet compartment to his rifle. His serious expression made your adrenaline kick in and your hands began to shake, becoming obvious from the way the tip of the knife was quivering.

“Fine,” he muttered out, basically snarling at you. “I’ll do this the hard way.”

His words made your expression drop and before you could even think, Niragi swung the butt of his rifle and socked you across the side of your head, making you fall to the ground abruptly and drop the blue flag. You groaned in pain, and yet you didn’t even get a second to recover before Niragi blew another hit to your shoulder, kicking you harshly in the stomach at the same time.

You suffocated on nothing, becoming winded from his kick. Gasping for air, you attempted to crawl away from the violent man, shuffling on your hands and knees. Another hit to your lower back brought you to your stomach and you gagged at the sudden feeling.

Luckily, Niragi had quit abusing you and reached down next to your bruised body to pick up the blue flag. “Maybe next time, be careful what you say to me,” he hissed into your ear before standing up and walking away from you.

You laid on the floor for a short moment, trying to compose yourself and control your breathing once again. When you finally came to your senses, you lifted yourself up from the ground while groaning in pain. You had to find a hiding spot, otherwise the Blue Team would find you at their base and kill you.

You used the wall for support as you stood up, bones cracking and blood dripping down the side of your face. You lifted your hand and pressed against your throbbing head, wincing as the pain rocketed from your action.

‘At least he didn’t kill me,’ you thought to yourself. A bright shimmer caught your eye and you turned your head to see your weapon laying on the ground. A grumble left your body as you leant down to pick it up, admiring the way the blue light reflected off it.

You leant against the wall and slowly made your way down the hall, searching for a small cabinet or anywhere that you could hide for the next ten minutes or so. You got a wave of relief when you spotted a cleaner’s cupboard just down the corridor, stumbling towards it.

When you pulled yourself inside the dark cupboard and closed the door, you allowed yourself to slide down against the cold wall, feeling a few tears slip from your eyes.

All you had to do was wait for Niragi to get the flag back to the Green Base and you would be fine, hopefully.

***************

You dragged your exhausted body towards your hotel room, your legs throbbing in pain at every step you climbed. You had decided against going back to the hotel in the car with the other militants, as you didn’t want to deal with the tension of sitting next to the man who almost killed you. Plus, the car would hold half the amount of people it left the hotel with, probably making the atmosphere more eerie.

The door of your hotel room felt heavy as you pushed it open, stumbling into the cold room. You groaned in frustration at your past self. Why didn’t you leave your heater on before you left?

You let out a deep sigh before falling backwards onto your bed, spreading your arms out wide to feel the comforting blankets underneath you. Your eyes closed in content, trying so hard to ignore the pain on the side of your head and your knees.

The blankets shifted underneath your tired frame as you rolled over, pulling the duvet over yourself in the process. You didn’t even have the energy to turn your body so you could place your head on the pillow, so you simply slipped into unconsciousness in the position you laid in, hoping for a better day to come tomorrow.

Whilst you travelled to dreamland in your mind, a short blonde man stood outside your door, knocking lightly on the wood. When Chishiya received no response, he lightly turned the silver door knob and peaked his head into the room. A soft sigh of relief left him when you saw you safe and sound, asleep on your bed. He had been worried from how you were acting as you slumped to your room, noticing that you seemed more tired than usual.

Chishiya walked into the room and quickly shut the door behind him, holding the doorknob until it was completely shut to avoid the clicking noise. He tip-toed towards your frame and admired your sleeping self, his lips curling up at the sight.

“Get some sleep love,” he whispered, running the back of his hand softly down your cheek to sooth you. “You need it.”

Before Chishiya left the room, he tucked the blanket tighter around your body so you stayed warm and gave you a soft peck on your forehead. He glanced back once more before stepping out of the room. He headed back to his own hotel room to get some sleep, feeling content that the person he cares for most was okay.

**************

As the days of your visa grew fewer, your dread grew bigger. Thoughts from your last game bounced around your head, continuing to come back to you in the most random of times. Sometimes you would feel an imaginary harsh kick to your back in your dreams, causing you to wake up abruptly, covered in sweat. You couldn’t escape the fear of Niragi attempting to kill you again. If you managed to run into him again like in the last game, it would be a guarantee that he wouldn’t let you off the hook again.

Just the thought of Niragi blasting a few bullets from his sniper through your head brought you the irrational belief that that was your future. No matter how hard you attempted to shake it, it found its way back into your mind.

The stars shone in the sky, glistening against the endless ceiling of darkness and winking at you from above. It felt foreign to see such sights in the world you lived in, where everything seemed to hold some kind of darkness behind it. Even the label of ‘Utopia’ on The Beach was a complete lie.

You huffed in a stressful tone, hanging your head low and rubbing your eyes with your hands as you leaned your elbows on the railing. The minutes before the next game were becoming less and less. If only you had one more day on your visa, you could potentially avoid all the bullshit that Niragi brought with him everywhere he went.

Hatter had informed you that Niragi was taking you to another game, as he didn’t get to properly assess your skills last time. He was making you go because that night was the night your visa ended. You didn’t have a choice.

Before you knew it, small droplets of tears escaped your eyes, cascading down your face and dripping off your chin. You felt helpless and scared. You could do nothing but wait for the fire alarms to ring to indicate Hatter’s speech before everyone left for their own games. It felt like your time on the roof was lasting forever, so you tried to drag out your time there as long as you could.

You closed your eyes and lifted your head high, letting the cold air swim around your face and bring you comfort. “This isn’t fucking fair,” you stated bluntly to yourself.

It wasn’t. Why did the world think you deserved this kind of stress? You never asked to be in the Borderland. You never asked to be involved with these people. Why did you have to be thrown into this mess?

The sound of light footsteps ripped you from your thoughts, causing you to whip your head around and lock eyes with Chishiya, who froze a few metres away. Your face visibly relaxed at the sight of your boyfriend, smiling weakly as he lifted his hands in defence from your paranoid actions.

“Hey Chishiya,” you greeted him, turning your back and wiping your tears from your eyes. “Sorry, I’ll be down soon. Just give me a minute.”

Chishiya frowned at your shaky voice, approaching your frame and placing a soft hand on your shoulder. “Y/N? What’s wrong?”

You turned your face to him and his eyes displayed concern as soon as they met with your teary ones. “Wait, baby why are you crying?” he asked, placing a hand on the small of your back and another cupping your cheek to make you look at him.

You shook your head and gave a fake smile, not wanting to tell Chishiya what had happened. “It’s fine. I’m just getting a bit stressed for tonight.”

Chishiya eyebrows furrowed at your answer, noticing how you bit your lip after your sentence. You only ever did that when you were lying.

His eyes glanced up towards the small gash on the side of your head. “How did this happen?” he questioned you, lifted his hand to run a gentle thumb over the injury. You glanced at him nervously as he waited for an answer.

“Oh that? It’s nothing. I just managed to trip over and smack my head on the wall during the last game. You know me, such a clumsy idiot,” you tried to laugh it off.

Chishiya didn’t buy it for a second. He moved his gaze to the rest of your body, searching for any more injuries. He had had enough of your lying when he saw your bruised knees, dried blood around the edges of small cuts from earlier when you accidentally reopened them.

“Y/N, what happened the other day? Who did this to you?” Chishiya asked in a serious tone, wrapping his hands around your neck and holding you protectively. “These look bad Y/N. I’ll have to treat them for you.”

You nodded, looking down at the ground. Chishiya lifted your chin with his finger to make you have eye contact. “You going to tell me what happened?”

You let out a big sigh, accepting the fact that you can’t hide literally anything from Chishiya. He knew you too well.

“Look, it’s fine Chishiya. Niragi just got mad at me during a game. You know how he is. I’m honestly glad that he didn’t do anything else,” you explained, watching as Chishiya’s face contorted into anger at your confession.

He fell silent, making you more tense. You knew Chishiya was really aggravated when he went completely silent.

“Niragi did this to you?” he asked scarily calmly, running a soft hand over the gash on your head again. You nodded, leaning against his touch.

“Alright. You stay with me tonight. I don’t care what Hatter has asked from you. You stick by my side and don’t let go of my hand,” Chishiya demanded you, pulling you into a comforting hug. You tucked your face into his neck, breathing in his scent.

“I love you,” he whispered out, giving you a soft smooch on your cheek. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you.”

You shook your head in denial. “Don’t be baby. You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

Chishiya smiled happily at your words, pulling back from the hug and giving you a loving kiss on your lips. You both held each other close, moving your mouths against one another’s intimately.

You felt safe in Chishiya’s arms and he felt safe in yours. And that’s where both of you were intending to stay as long as possible.

****************

You sat on Chishiya’s small bed, admiring as the young man wiped carefully over the dried blood on your knees. He was being so careful, holding you by the underneath of your knee and making sure not to press too hard on your bruises.

You had returned from the game you attended with Chishiya. Before the game commenced, you both hid on the roof so Niragi or Hatter wouldn’t come looking for you, wanting to take you to the game. You waited until most cars had left before making your way down to the bottom floor, climbing into the last car together that only held two other people you didn’t know.

Chishiya made sure to keep you by his side the entire game, not letting go of your hand once. At some point you were afraid he was going to sacrifice himself for you, as he wasn’t acting too far from it. His protective side had kicked in and he wasn’t taking your situation lightly.

At some point you both had to hide from an attacker. Chishiya had shoved you both into the corner of a small room, shielding your entire body with his with both of his hands against the walls, keeping you trapped in and hidden. The action alone was enough to make you realise how much Chishiya actually cared, how afraid he actually was of losing you.

“All done,” the blonde announced, breaking you from your thoughts. You grinned as he glanced up at you, giving you a cheeky wink. He shifted up the bed and leant against the headboard beside you. “Are you okay?” he asked once again, his fingers lightly running along your thigh soothingly. You nodded, leaning your head on his shoulder.

“Don’t worry about Niragi,” Chishiya reassured you after a short moment of silence. You looked up at him from his shoulder. “Why not?” you asked.

Chishiya gave a cocky smirk and ruffled your hair playfully. “I’ll make sure to give him a piece of my mind,” he said in a monotone voice as usual.

You chuckled at his words before placing a soft kiss to the underside of his jaw. “I’m sure you will,” you laughed.

Chishiya smiled happily and turned his body. He picked you up slightly and made you lie down before placing himself next to your frame. You rolled over to face him, not even getting a chance to breath before his lips were on yours.

His kiss was passionate, running his tongue along your lips to ask for you to open them. You obliged, letting him have his way with you. You ran your fingers up underneath his shirt, feeling his warm skin shiver underneath you touch. He groaned at the feeling, pushing himself closer to you and placing one hand on the back of your neck while the other dragged lazy patterns along your bare hip.

You two held each other close, getting lost and drunk on the thoughts and feelings of one another. No one could make each of you feel the way you made each other feel. In Chishiya’s arms you felt safe and content, making all the terrible things around you disappear. And for Chishiya, you made him feel sane again. You made him remember that he was human, he was allowed to have human emotions and make mistakes.

You brought a sense of comfort to one another, and clearly Chishiya wasn’t willing to let anything come between you both.

[turbulentt]

Just Friends

genre: smut | mingyu × fem!reader

word count: +2.6k

warnings: size-kink, dirty talk, explicit content, unprotected sex, public sex

sumary: you and your psych classmate, kim mingyu, have been friends for a while now and you start to doubt your feelings towards the boy. after testing his limits at his friend’s party, mingyu proves to you that, in fact, you have a crush on the taller boy.

“I’m telling you! It will work.” Mingyu said confident, truly full of himself. 

“I don’t believe until I see it. I still think you’re going to get a straight no,” you said playfully while walking through the hallways with the taller man by your side.

Mingyu was sure he could trick one of his friends into hosting a party this weekend, one he already stated he didn’t want to host for like six times, using a luring strategy that you both learned in psych class.

You both walked to the group of boys in the corner of the cafeteria and you could see how people looked at both of you. It wasn’t very surprising though, you have already heard the rumors that roam in the hallways about you and Mingyu being a couple. For you, your relationship was like any other, classmates who casually became friends. Nothing more, right? Well, denying you don’t find him attractive would be a lie, but you don’t really think he’s into you, so you just keep yourself in the same zone of your friendship.

Finally approaching the group of boys you are the first one to be greeted. For some reason, Mingyu’s friends liked you the very moment Mingyu presented you to them. And, thinking about that, you don’t really get why he introduced you to his friends since the two of you are just casual friends that don’t even hang out that much.

“Okay, I get it. She replaced me.” Mingyu faked pouted and turned to Seungcheol. “Hyung.”

“No.” Seungcheol was quick and effective with his response.

“I told you.” you laughed by Mingyu’s side but he just shushed you.

“Just listen to me.” he sat by his side and the elder looked at him with curiosity. “It is not just a regular party. If it was, even I would host it. I’m asking you to do it because it is good for you. You need the status, Hyung.” Mingyu was looking him straight in the eyes and his hands were moving according to his words.

You had to admit, you were quite impressed. He was really using what you had learned in class. His posture struck dominance, one important point to make him win the argument. Mingyu also used the ‘need’ strategy, which is pretty effective when you want someone to be convinced of something. And his hand gestures resembled confidence in what he was saying. You took a quick look at Seungcheol and there was when you knew. Mingyu won the argument.

“You can always say no like you’ve been doing. But I really wanted to explain to you why I’ve been so committed to getting you to host the party.” and there was his final strike. Shit, why did this sudden burst of confidence made him look so hot?

“Fine. I guess you’re right. I’ll host the party.” Seungcheol sighed and laughs could be heard all around the table. “This Friday at eleven. You’re helping me,” he stated and everyone agreed.

Mingyu looked at you from across the table and winked. You rolled your eyes at the boy and felt your phone vibrate. How obnoxious could he be? You were both on the same table but he decided to text you.

Mingyu: I hope you have smth good to wear this Friday

   You: Why?

Mingyu: Bc u’re going to the party with us

   You: And why would I go?

Mingyu: Bc u want to

You just looked at him with a ‘Really?’ expression for trying to use a psychological trick with you. He just smiled and tilted his head mouthing a ‘Don’t you?’.

   You: Sorry, that one doesn’t work with me

Mingyu: Okay, what if I tell u that I want u to go?

   You: U do?

Mingyu: Actually I do. Really badly

You just stood there looking at the last text he sent, your heart started racing inside your chest and your breathing was becoming heavier. Since when did he make you feel like that?

Mingyu: Y/N? Why r u blushing?

Defeated by his smugness you just stood up and headed off while quickly saying goodbye to everyone. You had to find something to wear to the party. 

[The next friday] 

You were standing by Seungcheol’s door regretting your decisions. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to have come. You can always go back. You’re not the party type, that should be obvious for everyone. But, on the other hand, Mingyu has been so excited to see you there. He even texted you the entire day making sure you’d go. You can’t ruin his expectations now. So you just rang the doorbell and waited until the door opened. It burst open and a happy Soonyoung appears. 

“Hi,” you said a little shy. 

But the older boy just stood there, with his mouth wide open and a famine expression. You then remembered what you were wearing. He must have been struck by your see-through top that showed your black lace bralette. 

“H-Hi… Y/N.” his voice sounded shaky and he just looked down while giving space to let you in. 

There were already a lot of people in the house, even though it was still early. You looked around, looking for the host. When you found him, you just walked to him. As you passed through, people looked. Guys, girls, everyone was eyeing you from the bottom to the top. 

“Cheol Oppa!” you called and he turned to you smiling instantly. “The party is amazing.” you complimented. 

“Thank you, Y/N. You look amazing.” he took your hand and made you spin around to look at you. “Are you this beautiful for Mingyu?” he laughed. 

“W-what? No. No.” you choked with your own words “I just…” you couldn’t explain, maybe you really were dressed up for him. To make him notice you. “Do I have a crush on Mingyu?” you thought to yourself. 

“It’s okay. I was just kidding.” Seungcheol laughs even more “But, just in case you want to know. He’s by the kitchen handling the drinks.” he looks at you with a suggestive look and you just ignore his dirty thoughts while heading to the kitchen. Mingyu was the only person you had more intimacy at that party, even though his friends always took you so well you always felt more comfortable next to him. 

As you enter the place the first thing you do is to search for the boy that kept wandering in your thoughts. You spot him next to the beer machine while talking to some random people. You were about to take a step further, however, something stopped you from doing it. A girl was clinging onto his arm, he didn’t seem too comfortable with the girl’s action, but nor did he tried to back up from her touch. Furiously, you take the first drink available and get out of the kitchen before combusting.

“I’m so mad, really mad.” you think to yourself, trying to find a quiet spot to drink without being bothered “Why am I mad though? Am I jealous?” that thought just hits your head like a truck and there you realize what had been tormenting you lately “Fuck, I like him.” you slap your own forehead after listening to your own words.

“Who do you like?” you hear a voice approach, his voice “Hm?” Mingyu’s body was dangerously next to yours and you could already feel his hot breath. You decide not to answer, it would be too much of an embarrassment trying to find an excuse and fail while stuttering. He smirks and raises your head gently by your neck, so he can look at you. You feel intimidated by him, not in a bad way. You feel intimidated at how well his body heat felt. At how strong and tall he was and how easily he could just pick you up at that exact moment and make you his’. “What do you need, Y/N?” Mingyu’s raspy voice whispered next to your ear “Tell me what you need and I’ll give it to you.”

How could he be such a smug without even trying hard? How could he make your heart feel like it could explode anytime? How could he be so damn handsome standing right in front of you with that infernal gaze?

“I-I…” you couldn’t form words, it felt like your body was pleading for him, but you knew you had to resist the temptation “I need to go.”

You quickly swift away from the taller boy leaving him behind with a frustrated and confused expression. 

That party wasn’t even near to be over and you already were a mess. “It’s better to go home.” you think looking back at where you left Mingyu. When your eyes met his’ he just winks and smirks once again. You blush violently and go out the front door with no hesitation.

[The next monday]

“I’m sorry, Cheol. Something happened and I really needed to head off earlier,” you explain yourself to the guy in front of you and he just shrugs. He knew something wasn’t adding up, but he wouldn’t pressure you since he doesn’t really want to bother you. He just left for his class.

The class finally starts and you can feel Mingyu’s burning eyes on you the entire time. He was doing it on purpose because he knows it bothers you and you can’t focus properly when you know someone is watching. On a normal day, you would’ve been mad, but the only thing you could do was blush as look away from him, trying hard no to think of him.

The class seemed endless, like minutes turned into hours, and you could only feel your frustration grow bigger. The teacher sounded more tedious than he ever did and you haven’t been so uninterested in psychology like yo are today. “Fuck you, Mingyu. Get out of my head.” you sigh letting your head rest on the table.

“Class dismissed.” the teacher announces and you couldn’t be happier to hear it. You try to grab your stuff as quickly as possible to exit the classroom, but the more desperate you became to grab things the more clumsy you got. Everyone was almost out when you finally got everything you needed. As you were walking through the door a strong hand pulls you back inside and forces you into the wall.

“Are you going to run away from me again?” he blocked your sides so you wouldn’t have a wait out and lowered his face to meet yours “Are you afraid of me, baby girl?” he bites your earlobe seductively and you let out a small sigh.

“M-Mingyu… I d-don’t.” you try to say but as soon as you feel his big hands grab you by your ass you give in. 

“Don’t try to deny me. I know you like me.” he tightens his grip and places wet kisses in your neck “I like you too, baby girl. And I’ve dying to fuck you,” he confesses and you hold your breath surprised. He lifts you up by your ass, pinning you to the wall so you can finally be at the same level as him. “But you’re so small…” Mingyu’s thumb slightly caresses your bottom lip and you just smile at his action “I’m afraid I might break you.”

“Don’t be.” you finally speak up “Break me apart. Fuck me hard.” you moan out in expectation leaving him speechless. But it doesn’t take him to much time to come back to the real world and hungrily take your lips into a heated kiss. As you’re kissing you feel him walk to the nearest table and sitting there. You break apart from the kiss only to start leaving small bites in his neck and desperately looking for his belt.

“You’re so eager for my cock, Y/N.” he throws his head back in amusement and you bite your lip looking at him with innocent eyes. He stares back at you and you can feel the bulge in his pants grow bigger, he was as eager as you. Without wasting any more time you take his pants off, kneeling in front of him and being face to face with his covered erection.

“It looks so… big.” you think to yourself while licking your lips, it must taste really good. Rapidly you free him from his boxers and his bulge sprung to life with full power. “You’re so big…” it’s the only thing you can say after seeing the boy’s cock “Will he fit inside of me?” is the first thought to come to your head.

“Can you take it, baby girl?” he asks gently caressing your cheek “I know you can.” he encourages you to keep going, he really needed to feel your soft lips around him. So you started shy, licking his tip earning some low moans, but, not satisfied, you decided to take it into your mouth as much as you could. Mingyu let out a loud moan and his large hand gripped your hair tightly making you close your eyes. What you couldn’t take in your mouth you pleasured with your hands and you knew how much Mingyu was enjoying it, you could feel how warm and how much his length was pulsing inside of your mouth. “You feel so… so good. Fuck… Y/N.” he moans helplessly.

His grip starts to lose strength and you know he his seconds from coming, so you just deep throat him the best you can. After a long and husky moan, you feel his liquid slide down your throat, swallowing every bit of it while making eye contact with him.

“You’re over now.” Mingyu picks you up and lays you on the table “I hope your little pussy can take me as well as your mouth did.” he groaned undressing you as quick as he could. He hops on the table and lays right on top of you. Again, you felt intimidated, maybe he was right about breaking you. But you were also thirsty for his cock and you couldn’t deny it. Mingyu slides one of his hands through your wet heat and smirks “Is this all for me? So wet…”

He takes his fingers to his mouth and licks them staring straight into your eyes.

“Stop teasing me…” you begged. Not wanting to wait anymore either, Mingyu took his length and placed it in your entrance slowly sliding in, as he also felt like it was quite difficult. “O-Oh fuck…” you moaned loudly. 

“You’re so tight, baby…” he panted burying his face in your neck after successfully fully entering you “… but you feel so damn good.” he gave an unexpected thrust and you screamed out his name. “Fuck…” he seemed aroused at the way his name exited your lips.

You slightly moved your hips looking for contact and Mingu started moving. Unlike his kind and sweet self, Mingyu was being rough and going hard. You felt like you were seeing stars and his name kept slipping through your lips “M-Mingyu… Ah yes… Like that…”

Motivated by your pleas, the boy kept hitting you roughly right in your sweet spot, and you knew you wouldn’t last much longer. “Hard… Oh fuck, G-Gyu…” you scratched his back trying not to pass out from so much pleasure.

“Shit, Y/N… I’m coming…” he breathed out, giving his lasts thrusts into you with all the strength he got “Y/N..” he moans low next to your ear after releasing all his liquid inside of you. You cum right after screaming his name so loud that probably the entire university heard it. Mingyu gets out of you slowly and helps you stand up. 

“We need to do this more often.” you chuckle dressing yourself up. 

“Oh definitely, baby.” he slaps your ass jokingly while watching you walk away from the classroom.

[04loved]

To A Happy 2018

This isn’t a follow forever or mutual list, I just wanted to give a little personal shoutout to some of you who make tumblr a place i want to keep coming back to.

There are many more wonderful people I didn’t mention, but I hope in the coming year to step out of my comfort zone a little and try to talk to you all more, even if it is only over anon.  To everyone who has sent me an encouraging message or anon in recent days, I was truly touched and I thank you so much.  To all of my followers, i love you and you’re doing great and i hope you have a soft 2018 filled with love and good things!!

@bbhsavocado i feel like i learned so much about u pricilla that night of the bbh in panties talk aldkjsgljk how validating to see my kinks shared n sub bbh appreciated like that, but it was also awful n i hated it. i love all ur bisexual bbh-loving content n ur friendship with some mutuals is so adorable i hope u all find great gfs this year <3 i have no idea y i took so long to follow u bc ur everything i want in a blog

@bbhsthighs nicole, u want to be a person who gives happiness like the boy who inspired ur url, and u do, u really really do. ur hilarious and adorable in ur tags and ur interactions with ur other friends on here. i can tell how much you love them and how much they love you back <3 maybe some ppl first liked u for ur humor and light, but love means accepting u when ur hurting and when u dont feel like u can shine anymore. pls dont be afraid to share that side of you with those who deserve ur trust, bc thats what a true friendship is. pls treat urself with the same kindness u give to everyone else. asking for help isnt being selfish and it isnt letting anyone down. u do not have to shine for everyone else while being blind urself. following u has been a wild ride from the day i first found ur blog and ive enjoyed every day since. this year i hope the world becomes a bright and beautiful place for you.

@bobohu elaine, im not sure who you want following you since u changed ur blog...i think u left while i was taking a break from tumblr, but i found you again from a post about the kinds of love you feel for exo, i knew there was only one person who writes like that, so beautifully and so full of love. you were one of the first exo blogs i followed and you have always been someone who radiates good vibes and sunshine. i want u to know i appreciate every one of ur positivity posts, and even in your selfies, your smile, you look exactly how i would expect from the kind of cute content you have. i want to genuinely thank you for being a fan for so long and doing what u can to make others happy. i love seeing your posts and im very happy i found you again

@boxianb ive been following u for so long and like idk how u do it but u reblog every single baekhyun post i have on my blog without fail. always. u r just all baekhyun all the time and u know what i admire that i respect that so much that is dedication and i see u and appreciate that, its exactly what i want and need in my life, thank you !!

@byunchen mel, ive seen your posts lately and how you are lonely and missing friends on here, and ive been following you for like...two years now..and we don’t really talk, im shy and you say ur shy and bad at talking.... but here’s me saying that i see you and i appreciate the time you spend on here blogging and talking. im not really active enough anymore to promise to interact a lot but this year i will try to talk more and i wish you many adorable anons and people to call friends !! thank u for coming this far and being an important part of my dash

@exolgbt around when i first followed u i was questioning a lot if i was actually a lesbian and somehow ur blog just like...comforted me ? made me feel good ? helped me try to understand myself ? seeing someone so proudly a lesbian and also so in love with exo... ive come to terms with being bisexual but i admire you and really love your content and all the exo mlm appreciation !! ur doing good work <3

@imagine-baekhyun i dont know who is running this account but ur literally ruining my life thanks i hate it !!!!!!

@kjonginswife i have to admit ive wanted to talk to u for a while alkjgslkjg its nice to see someone my own age on here, i did see ur universe reaction and i think youre adorable haha i dont follow a lot of non-bbh stans and honestly i think i followed you at first by mistake but i have never regretted it !! idk how to put it into eloquent words but basically u give me such good friendly vibes and i love seeing your posts and your tags and your personality and just know someone on here really appreciates you and would miss you if u left

@kkaeb-my-song one of the holy first baekhyun blogs i followed <3 from the beginning you struck me as a very sweet person so cutely in love with baekhyun and that hasn’t changed, ive only come to appreciate you even more. you’re a constant on here and being in this fandom wouldn’t be the same without you !!

@mochibaeks I LOVE YOU i know youre not as active lately jelly but I LOVE YOU youre like the sweetest cutest squishiest most adorable person ive seen on this site i just...love...everything you say and make!! im p sure i first followed u bc u did like the bias audio challenge a while ago...u sounded so friendly and adorable, ur voice is very fitting for you haha you are so warm i hope you stick around for a long time because i love you soooo much

@rosybbh ive been following u sophia for a while and we’re mutuals but we havent talked a lot and im still honestly intimidated by you lol idk how u feel about this view but i see you as a very strong person, just the way u talk seems confident in some way to me, whether u feel like that or not. i dont really have the right words, but i admire that. i LOVE everything u say about bbh...all ur posts for bbh n about u n bbh...damn u always got me daydreaming about him too :( except ok there was this one pic of chanyeol and u said smth like ‘imagine him manspreading’ and id like u to know that that actually ruined my life and i havent forgotten it so thanks. for u especially i hope u have a very bright and healing year

@r-velvets vivian i know u have been gone recently but still lurk, and u have one of my fave blogs content wise and gifs and personality. u r still like THAT way too cool mutual i get so excited to see...especially bc you’re also so kind and during that really hard night after the news of Jonghyun, idk how or why but just those few words u said made me feel a lot better. i miss you online but i hope youre doing well in your real life and finding happiness

@sefuns i dont have a lot to say bc im really shy but u were the FIRST exo blog i ever followed and you have given nothing but great content since i found you two years ago, and when u followed me more recently i could not believe the notification aglksjgljk i have no idea how u found me but knowing we’re mutuals made me very happy and gave me a little blush and i just wanted to let u know that

@thundaelights fey, i dont think this will mean much to you coming from a stranger, but after following you for two years, i feel like i know you some, and i want to say that i hope this year you see many beautiful sights, and your heart feels light, and you are surrounded by things that give happiness. i hope something happens soon that makes the whole world look different, look brighter. its funny how life can change so fast and without warning. i wish you not just strength but also a safe place to fall apart and hope to put yourself back together. may you find countless reasons to smile

@wangeun we talked a lot for a while and then i just kind of disappeared i think as i often do rip but i still love following you and i just want to say real quick that i see you and i notice you and i would miss you if you left and i hope youre finding a lot of success in your life

to new mutuals @cuddlyjd @okaybaekhyun @baekhyuns i still get so shy and happy when anyone follows me back but thank you !! you are all three cute and adorable and funny n kenzie i hadnt followed a great jongdae stan in a while since the old dae-biased blogs i followed became inactive thank u for loving jongdae so well alkgjs

@sebyun @winterbyuns @etherealbbh @progamerbyun @dearbyun @baeksee @byunvoyage @solobaek @queenbyun @baekhyy @baehkhun @ethereal-baek i love all of u bbh stans giving baekhyun the love and adoration he deserves n giving me the positive baekhyun content my heart needs. esp solobaek (kiki, right?) u have the cutest most wonderful tags i love reading them all and seeing so many heart emojis

im sorry i dont have the most to say but im thinking of you all and wishing you the best!!!!

[hyunwoo-archive]

HELLO!!!!!!!!! it's me (failed) theory anon here again the rainbow one and !! can u talk abt how much u love shownu? bc i don't give him as much love as i do with the rest and i wanna hear u talk about him :_) feel free to talk as much as u like though!!!!

hello angel omg !!! its nice 2 see u again :-))))) (also dont worry i never get theories right ... the only time i got smth right w monsta x? guessing that minhyuk was gonna be yesterday) nd ofc !!!! i’m always up for talking abt shownu nd how much i love him fkajshfkjsa im rly honored u came to me ,,,,, me through tears ,,, god i dont deserve this fjhsakj

anyways !!!!!!! i’m just gonna link 2 some Previous shownu essays i’ve done b4 i delve into a New One,,, here’s one two three (someone else’s essay but god i lov this) four  nd i need to start tagging my lov essays bc i cant find the rest rip ....

anyways !!!!! lets begin !!! 

firstable i am so so so in love with his dedication to the group. there has never been a moment where shownu has not mentioned monsta x on broadcast whenever he has solo appearances on variety ?? a rly recent example is master key, where he was asked to choose a number nd he went with 7 bc there were 7 members in mx and its smth so subtle nd small but also it speaks Volumes about how much monsta x means to him!!! like he rly could’ve picked Any number but went w the one that has a strong tie to his group nd that really melted my heart like ?? hes really thinking abt monsta x nonstop ? mbb but like,,, the leader ? its really like !! i’ve never rly seen anyone mention their group as much as he does !!!

moving a lil further into his relationships w the members, u can tell he has a deep connection to every member ? ofc, we dont know what goes on off camera, but on camera (esp if he’s not the current focus nd he’s in the bg) u can see how he interacts with everyone !! hes very caring towards them nd obviously treasures them so so much, nd i get very familial vibes ? its like all of mx are his brothers nd he is someone who grew up as an only child so i feel like its ,,, incredible he has this rly close, sibling-like bond w mx ... like,,, showheon play fighting ? thats smth u usually see a lot w siblings .. i jus rly lov how he has such a deep connection w all the members, nd its smth thats been in the making for probably longer than just two years ? honestly gkjhds i lov watching fancams when theyre at fansigns bc shownu is rly ? interesting to watch ! he teases the members a lot ,,,

whICH is another i wanna focus on jhgkjds i love when he teases the members or like ,,, bullies them . honestly w how ppl stereotype shownu u wouldn’t expect it but he’s rly just as bad as the rest of them fsjakhfjka nd i mean this in a good way !!! an example is at a fansign, he drank all of hyungwon’s coffee nd put it back nd made sure he knew shownu was the one who finished it nd he looked so proud of himself .... plus he has a fixation w pushing everyone younger than him over nd out of the frame nd its really funniefejk

also another thing i lov abt shownu is his humor gahjkds i’ve touched on this a lot in past essays but hes actually ?? really funny ????? his humor is very deadpan nd not really Built on jokes so his unexpected comments are always smth i look forward to !! also !!! he likes to break into random dance nd like ,,,, noah fence but i lov it ... its so cute when he starts randomly dancing ...

nD LET ME TALK ABT HIS PASSION FOR DANCE OKAY OH BOY shownu is the embodiment of a good dancer to me like ??? he moves so fluidly, hes so in control of what hes doing but its so natural ??? nd if u wanna see his improvement i really recommend watching hit the stage bc his growth (esp w his expressions, its smth he struggled w) is incredible !!!!!! he goes from a good dancer to an even better one, nd watching it happen across the span of like 3-4 videos is just ??? wow ???? how u improve that fast ??? lmk ??????

also !!!! his vocals !!!!!!! my god !!!!!!!!!!!! honestly before i got into monsta x, i had some of their songs in my itunes nd i really already fell in love with his voice before i knew the group. its so soothing and soft and he has such an amazing range ??? he can hit low notes nd high notes nd notes in between nd his versatility really astounds me ,,,,, the best examples for this are definitely their title songs (shine forever nd all in nd a bonus to newton !!!!) as well as because of you and gravity (both of which i listen to like,,, Religiously .), nd i reaaaaaally recommend u listen to this video so u can get to hear his range nd gkahsdkj wow his voice is really beautiful :-( of all the voices i listen to, his is really my favorite. i rly hope starship lets him sing an ost one day ,,, i’d Nut

nd LAST POINT i wanna talk abt is his own growth in self confidence ??? honestly as someone who struggles w self love, watching shownu develop w his own self confidence is so so so inspiring !!!! i talk abt this a lot but in debut, he really was silent nd like ,,,, i hate 2 say this but ~robotic~ nd i think it has a lot to do with him not being confident ??? especially with variety, it was really always painfully awkward if he was given screen time but he has improved so steadily over the past two years. hes really like,, the variety king now . nd he’s mentioned a few times he wants to feel more confident doing solo vlives nd u can tell hes become more comfortable w it !!! im really really proud of shownu for always stepping out of his comfort zone nd doing what he doesnt normally do bc he always comes out of it as a more confident person nd its just !!! wow !!!! its really something i admire nd love him for :-(

anyways in conclusion i love shownu for so many things nd pinpointing them is always hard kfjhaj but !!!!! here is my lov essay .... im sorry its so Long ,

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

New month, new me? 😋

Andddd.. It’s May now. Another month that flew right by. (Okay just remembered that I was meant to do a monthly end-of-month post thing but I think I missed the past 2 😅) 

So the past week was pretty good. School started again, wasn’t as bad as I thought. And got back a couple results too, better than expected hehe 😁 Still kinda feel like the anti-social bitch at school but meh, last couple weeks now. 

But one really amazing thing happened. Was super bored in class the other day and was asking my friend to text me, which was super nice cos we used to talk ALL the time, and we still talk every day though not as often now, so that was really nice. And as we were talking, I realized that this would be my 4th year of knowing her, which is pretty cool when I think about it cos it’s just a couple months diff from my college friends. Then I ended up searching our old msgs, and found out the funniest thing ever. We actually thought we first talked in December, but then I found out it was much earlier, in April. April 1st to be exact (this is gonna be so easy for me to rmb now cos Gred & Forge right?! BUT OMG, I JUST REALIZED SMTH ELSE HOLY WOW.) It got super funny cos I found so many funny old messages and the memories :’) 

Through those texts, I kinda found some dark parts too (actually one part was really about something else, not what I expected), and it also made me realize how much I’ve changed since. I used to be friendlier, more happy, more.. social, i suppose? Gah, but I know, it’s gonna take me a while (a long, long, long while) to find that part of me again. Well, more of to find it, and let it stick, y’know. 

Anyway, speaking of, I was kinda dreading class cos I was feeling anxiety and I know I’d feel weird and stuff seeing this guy cos he really reminds me a lot of him. But, this couple days, it hit me. I’m actually over him, what I’m not over is not knowing how he felt, and well, the memories that confuses me and reminds me of too much. But I think I’ve actually moved past my feelings for a pretty long time already :’) 

And just found out today that some apartments near mine will be demolished and rebuilt, and my parents were suggesting I could get one there in the future. Tbh, I would cos #onlychild and I’m too homely haha. But makes me wonder if I could find a guy by these 5 years or so.. And like since I’m hoping to date for at least 3 years (hopefully more) before getting married, I guess I should start looking. 

Which brings me to.. my 21st bday. Mom was asking me about it earlier, like what are my plans (way too early tbh), but I really doubt I have anything planned. Especially since like only a handful remembered it last year, yes I still remember. And the bloody year before. 

But yes, back to topic. I’m thinking of making a pact, where I will go out and explore more, get to know more people once I turn 21. My dad has also always been saying stuff about my cuzzies, telling me about their love life (he and his bro, my uncle are super close now, so they always share stories), and he tells me it’s great they are going out more (also cos my mom side is SUPER conservative), and yeah, I feel like they are really inspiring me to get out more. Well, I always want to, deep down, but I’m, one, too lazy, and two, no friends. Meh. Kinda wish I had friends, like the one I talked to on April 1st, cos I know she’d be the type to make me open up and just go out and have fun. 

I actually used to be the type who wanted just one love in my life. One boyfriend, the one, well, “The One”, the one I would marry and be with for the rest of my life. I’ve had this convo with a friend who says that sounds boring cos her parents were like that too (like mine), and it did make me think, but at the time, I was thinking more relationships would mean more pain. And I guess, that is still true, but I guess I kinda wanna explore. (Update, I watched a new ep of that matchmaking show tonight and the expert was saying that it is good to explore and have more relationships, because it helps you have a clearer idea of who suits you and what you truly want)

Y’know, deep down, I feel like there’s a wild girl just wanting to let loose. I feel like the other me would prolly be like a party girl who drinks a lot and is super wild and flirty and confident. I feel like in an AU, that would be me. (Is this a libra thing? And really I’m curious. Do all libras kinda feel like there’s two of them? Cos that’s me like 24/7 and it sometimes stresses me out too much) And like just the other day, I wanted to do something crazy different, like cut my hair or dye it a crazy color but nah, decided not to. Feels like I really need to do something, and just get out of my comfort zone and just have fun while I’m still young. (GAH. Why do I always make myself sound so old when I still haven’t even hit 21?!) so yep. A pact. To be out there more, step out of my comfort zone. I’ve been far too comfy for too long. Go out more, explore, have adventures, and make new friends, meet new people, and hopefully, find that one thing I’ve been searching for for so long - love. Hopefully before then I would have kinda found a way to be more confident, and more me (despite how many mes there are)

OH, and that reminds me. The other day I was watching this show, it’s a matchmaking show (not sure if it’s like The Bachelor or what really) but then there was this girl who was confessing to this guy, and she reminded me so much of me (the guy got reminded of himself too. MY SOULMATES.) She was such a cheerful girl, optimistic, and she had a dark past. She also loves to hide her sadness and put on a face to show others she’s happy when she’s truly hurting. It hit me so hard. And she was just so pure, innocent (wouldn’t say I am, but omg her innocence really touched me). And that episode, the other 2 girls were also all very optimistic and like happy-go-lucky girls, on the outside at least, who would hide their pain in front of others. Really reminded me of me.

And it made me wonder.. All of us wear masks, in front of family, friends, close friends and stuff. But is it better to wear a mask and pretend everything is all peachy? (My question was actually answered by one of the experts, and she said that we shouldn’t always wear masks, and it’s good to be able to show off your vulnerable side)

Not sure if I’ve written about this before, but once we had a class assignment thing where we wrote nice messages for each other (omg suddenly thought of 13rw), and I have them on my wall for whenever I need encouragement. But some days I feel like I should take them down because most of what it says is about my idols, and my so-called optimism and the never fading smile. I remember once I read all that and I felt really upset, cos it just reminded me of how much I had changed, and not in a good way. But now, I guess it does encourage me to work to find that part of me again, though I know that whoever I find after this, would not be the exact same person I was those years ago.

It’s so odd how the future has always been a topic in convo these past days. Really makes you think about life.. Ugh #adulting. 

And to end of, a quote, especially having those days when you downright hate on yourself. I need to stop that. All love and positivity now. Hope May would be a better month for everyone 💗

Xx